R was sick. R is a typical guy. The type that doesn’t listen to his mommy. So mommy calls me up and tells me to baby sit her 22 year old sonny boy. Now puhleese folks, R is not my BF, but childhood friend and neighbor. So Sunday saw me take my lappie and head towards R's house as his folks had to go to this temple for some pooja. R was already in bed, snoring... drugged with the meds he was taking. Moiself decided to sit on the other side of the bed with the blanket around me as it is a cold and rainy Sunday here in Bangalore.
Pretty soon I was chatting with friends. A friend called Hira (real name), a simble mallu gal logged in from San Francisco. After the usual round of greetings, Hira concentrated her energies on me.
Hira: You at home or at Nina's place?
Me: I am at R's place.
Hira: R! And what you doing there?
Me: I am in bed with him!
Hira: What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Don’t judge me too harshly dee :(
Hira: You alone in the house?
Me: Yeah! His parents have gone to Malleshwaram for some temple festival.
Hira: Anju, this is not right!!
Me: I know :(
Hira: Hope no one saw you coming here.
Me: I think Mallika aunty saw me. :(
Hira: This is not right!! Go home now!
Me: Well…
Hira: Did anything happen?
Me: Yes! :(
Hira: OMG!!
Me: *silence*
Hira: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: *silence*
Hira: O H M Y GOD!!!
Me: :(
Hira: I can't believe this!!! You of all people!!!!
Me: I don’t know how it happened, but it did! :(
Hira: You get back home right NOW! I will call you.
Me: I can’t!
Hira: Why?
Me: I can’t dee! :(
Hira: Why!!! Is your clothes torn?
Me: ROTFL!!!!
I couldn’t continue the charade anymore, not while rolling on the floor laughing my guts out! The accused meanwhile, was fast asleep, not knowing that he had been framed, tried and found guilty of rape "WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING!!"
p.s It is so nice to be bad!! Made my day! *contended sigh*
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
eeps!
The most embarrassing moment of my life...
I don’t know how I am writing this post, but I am doing it because I want out with it!
I have this habit of making passwords that is derived from some event in daily life. I think an old post of mine covering my password travails is proof enough. So I have had passwords like, pulpyorange (cos I was drinking it at the time), techwebcasts ( cos I was recording sessions by technical experts for webcasts on that day), bangaloreblast ( needs no explanation) etc etc.
So I go to this guy blogger's comment section and write a comment and am busy signing in and don’t notice the cursor jumping to the comment box from the password log in area. I then notice that the password has not been typed in and so point the cursor into the password area again, completely ignoring the comment box and successfully publish comment. Luckily, I went back to the blog to check my comment again and was horrified to see this:
Nice post! I do agree with what you have written here about some girls being a pain during dates. I guess it is because we do not have a dating culture to have sufficiently developed dating etiquettes. periodpain
My hair stood on one end and my eyes popped out like in those cartoons, when I saw my password at the end of the comment. I deleted the comment at lightening speed and prayed rather fervently that they guy had not enabled the comments being mailed to his Inbox feature. I was sooooooo embarrassed for a couple of weeks after that! I still blush at the thought!
Never heard from the blogger again. Maybe he died of embarrassment too! :(
p.s someone please tell me you have done worse *sob*
I don’t know how I am writing this post, but I am doing it because I want out with it!
I have this habit of making passwords that is derived from some event in daily life. I think an old post of mine covering my password travails is proof enough. So I have had passwords like, pulpyorange (cos I was drinking it at the time), techwebcasts ( cos I was recording sessions by technical experts for webcasts on that day), bangaloreblast ( needs no explanation) etc etc.
So I go to this guy blogger's comment section and write a comment and am busy signing in and don’t notice the cursor jumping to the comment box from the password log in area. I then notice that the password has not been typed in and so point the cursor into the password area again, completely ignoring the comment box and successfully publish comment. Luckily, I went back to the blog to check my comment again and was horrified to see this:
Nice post! I do agree with what you have written here about some girls being a pain during dates. I guess it is because we do not have a dating culture to have sufficiently developed dating etiquettes. periodpain
My hair stood on one end and my eyes popped out like in those cartoons, when I saw my password at the end of the comment. I deleted the comment at lightening speed and prayed rather fervently that they guy had not enabled the comments being mailed to his Inbox feature. I was sooooooo embarrassed for a couple of weeks after that! I still blush at the thought!
Never heard from the blogger again. Maybe he died of embarrassment too! :(
p.s someone please tell me you have done worse *sob*
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
The wedding flashers!
Think “mallu Christian wedding” and the first thing that flashes in your mind is the flash of a camera. In fact, it is the first thing that greets you as you enter the church for the wedding. A blinding FLASH!! And while you grope around blinded by the flash, you are hit by yet another searing flash, this time the exposure is much longer as it is the Videographers lights being thrust in your face. This completely blinds you and you follow the rest of the church proceeding through a haze, blinking desperately in the vain hope that your vision will somehow surface out of the haze. And just when you are beginning to make out the faint outline of the fat aundy in the bench before you, comes another flash... 'tis time to be photographed as the attentive audience!!! (they have everything covered I tell you.)
You sink into darkness again. The audio is your only clue that the wedding is still going on and you are inside the church. By the time your vision is restored again, the wedding is over and you are wary. You look around wild eyed for the photographer and video guy, petrified they may appear from nowhere and flash you again! And after you spot them, you keep a keen bloodshot eye on them, ready to close your eyes the moment they spot you and say “Hey! Look a gal who can see!! Let’s go blind her!” You spend the rest of the time in the Church covering like an animal being stalked, your senses in full alert ready to flee at the first sign of the "Flash Team”.
When the family album is finally released via Picasa, you look the epitome of piousness with your eyes closed in "prayer" for most part of the wedding, except that smug smirk that will be dismissed by gushing relative as "spiritual ecstasy." Only you know about the middle finger you were holding up behind you. And if you are lucky, they will never catch you err photograph you doing that. (Warning: Please don’t try this during weddings. Only trained people are advised to try this stunt)
After the wedding is over, which you deduce by the Priest saying “I now bless you in the name of the Father *flash* the son *flash* and the Holy Spirit *flash**flash**flash**flash*" you open one eye warily and when the coast is clear i.e the “Flash Team” are flashing someone else ( Definition of’ flash’ and "flashing" - as in photographic flash, please note …sigh) you make a dash for the door.
If you are lucky you get away. But if you are family, then there is no way you will get out of the church without being subjected to some more flashing ( same definition as above). Those who still try will be met with sturdy aundies blocking their way. They are like bouncers, waiting to catch people running away from the mandatory family photograph!! You will be dragged kicking and screaming well...almost and put next to the bride and groom and you groan inwardly as the lights take aim. When the family album is out, you are either seen looking like a man being put in an incinerator, alive or like a poor blind relative.
After you have blinked like a tube light a couple of million times and retrieved your vision, it is time to go for the Reception. You don’t wanna go. But the sturdy aundies make sure everyone has boarded the various vehicles specially arranged to ensure that people do not escape the zapping session at the reception hall. You are transported like a trussed chicken to the reception hall where, if you are lucky, you will escape being flashed while getting down from the bus.
You look for a table away from the crowd, indistinguishable and preferably invisible and then fight a horde of people also looking for a table, away from the crowd, indistinguishable and preferably invisible. If you are lucky, the photo and video guy won’t notice the scuffle and land up to photograph “the event”. And if you are not lucky, the Picasa album will show a horde of blind people fighting over a nondescript table at a remote corner of the hall.
It is pure bliss when the Bride and Bride groom arrive at the reception hall, as every flash worth its weight in gold will be turned on them. You get a much deserved relief from the flash and time to repair your eyes before the next onslaught. After the toast and the cake cutting and the rest of the rituals are over, you groan as the “Flash Team” turns their gaze towards the crowd. From then on, you synchronize your visits to other tables with the Flash Team’s departure from the table. Then you realize that everyone is doing the same. When the Picasa album is aired for general viewing, it will show a whole crowd of people playing musical tables in the hall and a very bewildered “Flash Team” looking very bewildered at the unruly and uncreative crowd that refuses to sit still to be flashed.
Food is eaten at express speed when people see the “Flash Team” approaching and when they near their table the whole table gets up for dessert. Not to be outdone the “Flash Team” will follow them to the dessert section only to have the whole crowd escape back to their tables. The Flash Team, totally frustrated by now use the dreaded "Trap and Flash” tactics.
Err miss which is the non veg section?
To your right
*Flash*
*grope*
Saar, where is the toilet?
This way!
*Flash”
%#$%@%@
Ladies! Which one of you is Shinty Thomas?
No one!
Thank you! *Flash*
Aiyyo!
Soon the Flash Team sits down to eat and you look around and find their equipment is missing. You join the general cursing that emanates from the masses similarly expressing their disappointment at their inability to smash the equipment. You promise to yourself that one day you will find it and smash it before the others!
Soon its time to go the bridegroom’s house for the “bride handing over ceremony”. The aundies ensure that you are once again transported willy nilly to the bridegrooms house. And if you have by any chance made any remark about the need to leave for home early to escape further flashing, then you will get the first chance to be flashed with the couple after the "bride handing over ceremony.”
While you grope your way out of the house, getting slapped and punched for touching people in the wrong places, you realize in a 'flash' that retinal damage, ligament tear and permanent blindness is all part of the fun of the big fat achayan wedding! :)
You sink into darkness again. The audio is your only clue that the wedding is still going on and you are inside the church. By the time your vision is restored again, the wedding is over and you are wary. You look around wild eyed for the photographer and video guy, petrified they may appear from nowhere and flash you again! And after you spot them, you keep a keen bloodshot eye on them, ready to close your eyes the moment they spot you and say “Hey! Look a gal who can see!! Let’s go blind her!” You spend the rest of the time in the Church covering like an animal being stalked, your senses in full alert ready to flee at the first sign of the "Flash Team”.
When the family album is finally released via Picasa, you look the epitome of piousness with your eyes closed in "prayer" for most part of the wedding, except that smug smirk that will be dismissed by gushing relative as "spiritual ecstasy." Only you know about the middle finger you were holding up behind you. And if you are lucky, they will never catch you err photograph you doing that. (Warning: Please don’t try this during weddings. Only trained people are advised to try this stunt)
After the wedding is over, which you deduce by the Priest saying “I now bless you in the name of the Father *flash* the son *flash* and the Holy Spirit *flash**flash**flash**flash*" you open one eye warily and when the coast is clear i.e the “Flash Team” are flashing someone else ( Definition of’ flash’ and "flashing" - as in photographic flash, please note …sigh) you make a dash for the door.
If you are lucky you get away. But if you are family, then there is no way you will get out of the church without being subjected to some more flashing ( same definition as above). Those who still try will be met with sturdy aundies blocking their way. They are like bouncers, waiting to catch people running away from the mandatory family photograph!! You will be dragged kicking and screaming well...almost and put next to the bride and groom and you groan inwardly as the lights take aim. When the family album is out, you are either seen looking like a man being put in an incinerator, alive or like a poor blind relative.
After you have blinked like a tube light a couple of million times and retrieved your vision, it is time to go for the Reception. You don’t wanna go. But the sturdy aundies make sure everyone has boarded the various vehicles specially arranged to ensure that people do not escape the zapping session at the reception hall. You are transported like a trussed chicken to the reception hall where, if you are lucky, you will escape being flashed while getting down from the bus.
You look for a table away from the crowd, indistinguishable and preferably invisible and then fight a horde of people also looking for a table, away from the crowd, indistinguishable and preferably invisible. If you are lucky, the photo and video guy won’t notice the scuffle and land up to photograph “the event”. And if you are not lucky, the Picasa album will show a horde of blind people fighting over a nondescript table at a remote corner of the hall.
It is pure bliss when the Bride and Bride groom arrive at the reception hall, as every flash worth its weight in gold will be turned on them. You get a much deserved relief from the flash and time to repair your eyes before the next onslaught. After the toast and the cake cutting and the rest of the rituals are over, you groan as the “Flash Team” turns their gaze towards the crowd. From then on, you synchronize your visits to other tables with the Flash Team’s departure from the table. Then you realize that everyone is doing the same. When the Picasa album is aired for general viewing, it will show a whole crowd of people playing musical tables in the hall and a very bewildered “Flash Team” looking very bewildered at the unruly and uncreative crowd that refuses to sit still to be flashed.
Food is eaten at express speed when people see the “Flash Team” approaching and when they near their table the whole table gets up for dessert. Not to be outdone the “Flash Team” will follow them to the dessert section only to have the whole crowd escape back to their tables. The Flash Team, totally frustrated by now use the dreaded "Trap and Flash” tactics.
Err miss which is the non veg section?
To your right
*Flash*
*grope*
Saar, where is the toilet?
This way!
*Flash”
%#$%@%@
Ladies! Which one of you is Shinty Thomas?
No one!
Thank you! *Flash*
Aiyyo!
Soon the Flash Team sits down to eat and you look around and find their equipment is missing. You join the general cursing that emanates from the masses similarly expressing their disappointment at their inability to smash the equipment. You promise to yourself that one day you will find it and smash it before the others!
Soon its time to go the bridegroom’s house for the “bride handing over ceremony”. The aundies ensure that you are once again transported willy nilly to the bridegrooms house. And if you have by any chance made any remark about the need to leave for home early to escape further flashing, then you will get the first chance to be flashed with the couple after the "bride handing over ceremony.”
While you grope your way out of the house, getting slapped and punched for touching people in the wrong places, you realize in a 'flash' that retinal damage, ligament tear and permanent blindness is all part of the fun of the big fat achayan wedding! :)
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Holy Molly!
I was reading this interesting piece of news the other day. Some scientists in the US err studied the mating behavior of the male Molly (sic) fish and found something the world never knew before about Molly fish. 'The male Molly fish doesn’t like to mate when being watched!'
Wow!! I could have told you that without any ‘study’!!
There are more interesting findings in this err study! According to the article, the male Molly fish shows scant regard to the lady he fancies, so that other males think that 'she is not good enough’ and thus be misled into ignoring her. This means all the other Molly males are also doing the same! Then how on earth do they manage to produce any baby Molly's at all!!
Which lead the researchers to the scientific conclusion that…
Male Molly fish are dumb!!
and that…
They will be extinct soon!
and further that…
all the lovely Molly ladies out there had better start looking elsewhere for love and babies! According to the scientists there are more then enough macho Trouts and Salmons out there, looking out for a sneaky affair and/or inter caste marriages!
And if they take the mallu route to naming their kids, we will soon have a lot of little Trolly's and Molmon’s gurgling joyfully in the streams (oblivious to the future when they grow up and go to ‘school’ with such names! )
Now if you are wondering why the researchers bothered to waste their time watching some dumb fishes and their unexciting procreational acts, then you will be surprised to know, that it was for the better understanding of the biological processes of marine life which will help researchers in stemming the decline in marine life in our water bodies.
Ha! Ha! Kidding! The real reason peoples was, *drum rolls* the study had grant of 14 million dollars!!!
Holy Molly! Now that’s a lot of money for watching fish porn err fish behavior don’t you think!!
Research anyone?
Original article here!
Wow!! I could have told you that without any ‘study’!!
There are more interesting findings in this err study! According to the article, the male Molly fish shows scant regard to the lady he fancies, so that other males think that 'she is not good enough’ and thus be misled into ignoring her. This means all the other Molly males are also doing the same! Then how on earth do they manage to produce any baby Molly's at all!!
Which lead the researchers to the scientific conclusion that…
Male Molly fish are dumb!!
and that…
They will be extinct soon!
and further that…
all the lovely Molly ladies out there had better start looking elsewhere for love and babies! According to the scientists there are more then enough macho Trouts and Salmons out there, looking out for a sneaky affair and/or inter caste marriages!
And if they take the mallu route to naming their kids, we will soon have a lot of little Trolly's and Molmon’s gurgling joyfully in the streams (oblivious to the future when they grow up and go to ‘school’ with such names! )
Now if you are wondering why the researchers bothered to waste their time watching some dumb fishes and their unexciting procreational acts, then you will be surprised to know, that it was for the better understanding of the biological processes of marine life which will help researchers in stemming the decline in marine life in our water bodies.
Ha! Ha! Kidding! The real reason peoples was, *drum rolls* the study had grant of 14 million dollars!!!
Holy Molly! Now that’s a lot of money for watching fish porn err fish behavior don’t you think!!
Research anyone?
Original article here!
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Whats the good word, again?
“Anjali!!" the voice crackled in the phone. “XYZ Newspaper is coming to interview your Boss. Get him ready for Press!”
“But” I interjected. “You guys are supposed to prime him for the Press!!”
“I want nothing to do with that Bulldog” snarled the PR Manager! And she slammed the phone down. I cursed the boss for calling her a beached whale and her, for calling him a Bull Dog and he in turn for calling her….never mind. Their petty quarrels had landed me in a thick soup now. I do have some PR experience, but this was an important interview and the Boss’s first interview too. An enormous responsibility lay on my shoulder and I knew that I had to deliver.
The right thing to do would be to resign and run away or run away without resigning. But then I have a notice period of two months to serve and the interview was a couple of days away!! So resignation was out of the question. Maybe I could contract Chicken Pox, I thought. All I have to do is drop into my old Alma Mater, and walk into the Primary Section and lo behold I would have Chicken Pox!! (Trust me it works! But then you may contract intestinal worms too, so be careful!)
Then it struck me that I had already finished with my bout of Chicken Pox!!! So I had to reluctantly discard that plan too. Which left me with one possible solution and that was *drum roll* waylay the reporter and kidnap him and threaten to kill him if takes the interview!! But then Mrs. Beached Whale would find another reporter to interview Mr Bull Dog err Boss!! Sigh!
So I decided to take the bull dog by its horn (goes without saying “no pun intended”). Bull Dog err Boss was very cooperative.
“Anjali, let me handle this” he said kindly!
“How many interviews have you given boss?” I asked, equally kindly!
“None” he said confidently!
“Then” I continued kindly. “Let ‘me’ handle this!”
The interview preparation of the most straight forward man in the universe began...right after I had lit 200 candles at Infant Jesus Church! This would be a more difficult task than making the Shiv Sena celebrate Valentine’s Day or persuading the Left parties in Kerala to give up their estates, lavish bungalows and TV channels! And hence the precaution.
With trepidation and a sense of impeding doom I took the Boss’s preparatory class.
Me: Boss, you must listen to the question properly. For example, "What does your quarterly result indicate?"
Boss: It means we are doomed :(
Me: Nooooo!!! err I mean....you do not summarize everything so succinctly Boss!!
Boss: What else can I say? The figures speak for themselves!! Hmmpph!
Me: You must say - "Current figures are reflective of industry trends and we are not expecting any deviation from the same. The market is however buoyant and we expect a significant though not major shift and a few surprises"
Boss: Please speak in English young lady!
Me (ignoring him): Try again. Here’s a question -“What do you think will be a significant contributor to your next quarterly results?"
Boss: People coming to work on time, taking shorter tea breaks, fewer leaves...aha ha ha!
Me: That was perhaps the poorest PJ I have heard!
Boss: :(
Me: Coming back to the question, you must reply - “I see a paradigm shift in market trends owing to the rapid changes in the industry's vertical focus…"
Boss (mouth agape): What was that again!!
Me( beaming rather proudly): That was deflective technology.
Boss: What’s that! Never heard of it before!
Me: That’s my parlance for ‘avoiding questions’ adroitly!
Boss: err...is it possible for you to take the interview?
Me (reassuringly): You will do just fine. If you are lost, just look at me and I will take over.
The interview went fine … well nearly.
Journo: Mr Boss, how many years of experience do you have in this industry?
Boss: hmm let me think...
Me (quickly): Over 100 man hours in object-oriented design and implementation, Project management, Multiple processor use and runtime optimization, Solution Architecture, Enterprise, Solutions, Infrastructure besides vast experience in non technical skills like Performance Competencies.
Boss: Huh?
Journo: What are the challenges you are anticipating in the face of global recession.
Boss: To begin with...
Me: What he means is …right now we are keeping a close eye on the market developments and will align and adjust our product roadmap as the trends change.
Journo: Did you expect to see such overwhelming negative reaction from users for your product XYZ?
Boss: I admit...no! :(
Me: Ahem…of course!!! A negative response was expected from the outset. Our product is unique and a genre-defying and it is very hard to make an estimate based on initial reactions. Judging from the latest reports however, we could safely say that users are not any less enthusiastic about XYZ!
Journo: Huh?
Boss: Huh?
Me (quickly): Next question please!!
Journo: What is your current position in the market?
Boss: Pretty bad...
Me (hastily): What he means is ….to answer this question we first have to define which part of the market you are talking about. Is it retail, OEM etc. Right now our plan is to expand beyond these markets. So our growth is dynamic now and we cannot churn out static figures that would enable you to pin us down on the Billboard. However we can safely say it will definitely be exceeding our expectations!
Boss: *giggle*
Journo: The XYZ recently released was related to software. According to its specifications ABC application software will require the implementation of blah blah and blah blah. Can you explain us how you plan to handle these three elements and how they are applied in your upcoming software, and what technical issues relate to their implementation?
Boss (brightening up at the techie jargon): Well….
Me: Well...since our software is used in PC Software applications...
Boss picks up a National Geographic grumpily and starts thumbing through it.
Boss (looking up from the magazine): Maybe I will go get some Tea for all of us!
Me: Sit down!!
Boss (hopefully): Maybe some cold drinks?
Journo: I would like coffee please.
Boss (getting up in a hurry): *whew* Thank you!!! Err I mean I will have it sent right away!
In the evening, as I sat drinking cup after cup of very strong coffee to calm my nerves and steady my shaking hands, I made a firm resolve. No, it is not to resign and run away or contract Chicken Pox and or Intestinal worms. I firmly resolved that, whatever the girth of Mrs Beached Whale formidable a***, I will kiss it if it means that I don’t have to babysit the Boss through another interview again.
So help me God!
Song I am listening to - Dance with Me by Nouvelle Vague
“But” I interjected. “You guys are supposed to prime him for the Press!!”
“I want nothing to do with that Bulldog” snarled the PR Manager! And she slammed the phone down. I cursed the boss for calling her a beached whale and her, for calling him a Bull Dog and he in turn for calling her….never mind. Their petty quarrels had landed me in a thick soup now. I do have some PR experience, but this was an important interview and the Boss’s first interview too. An enormous responsibility lay on my shoulder and I knew that I had to deliver.
The right thing to do would be to resign and run away or run away without resigning. But then I have a notice period of two months to serve and the interview was a couple of days away!! So resignation was out of the question. Maybe I could contract Chicken Pox, I thought. All I have to do is drop into my old Alma Mater, and walk into the Primary Section and lo behold I would have Chicken Pox!! (Trust me it works! But then you may contract intestinal worms too, so be careful!)
Then it struck me that I had already finished with my bout of Chicken Pox!!! So I had to reluctantly discard that plan too. Which left me with one possible solution and that was *drum roll* waylay the reporter and kidnap him and threaten to kill him if takes the interview!! But then Mrs. Beached Whale would find another reporter to interview Mr Bull Dog err Boss!! Sigh!
So I decided to take the bull dog by its horn (goes without saying “no pun intended”). Bull Dog err Boss was very cooperative.
“Anjali, let me handle this” he said kindly!
“How many interviews have you given boss?” I asked, equally kindly!
“None” he said confidently!
“Then” I continued kindly. “Let ‘me’ handle this!”
The interview preparation of the most straight forward man in the universe began...right after I had lit 200 candles at Infant Jesus Church! This would be a more difficult task than making the Shiv Sena celebrate Valentine’s Day or persuading the Left parties in Kerala to give up their estates, lavish bungalows and TV channels! And hence the precaution.
With trepidation and a sense of impeding doom I took the Boss’s preparatory class.
Me: Boss, you must listen to the question properly. For example, "What does your quarterly result indicate?"
Boss: It means we are doomed :(
Me: Nooooo!!! err I mean....you do not summarize everything so succinctly Boss!!
Boss: What else can I say? The figures speak for themselves!! Hmmpph!
Me: You must say - "Current figures are reflective of industry trends and we are not expecting any deviation from the same. The market is however buoyant and we expect a significant though not major shift and a few surprises"
Boss: Please speak in English young lady!
Me (ignoring him): Try again. Here’s a question -“What do you think will be a significant contributor to your next quarterly results?"
Boss: People coming to work on time, taking shorter tea breaks, fewer leaves...aha ha ha!
Me: That was perhaps the poorest PJ I have heard!
Boss: :(
Me: Coming back to the question, you must reply - “I see a paradigm shift in market trends owing to the rapid changes in the industry's vertical focus…"
Boss (mouth agape): What was that again!!
Me( beaming rather proudly): That was deflective technology.
Boss: What’s that! Never heard of it before!
Me: That’s my parlance for ‘avoiding questions’ adroitly!
Boss: err...is it possible for you to take the interview?
Me (reassuringly): You will do just fine. If you are lost, just look at me and I will take over.
The interview went fine … well nearly.
Journo: Mr Boss, how many years of experience do you have in this industry?
Boss: hmm let me think...
Me (quickly): Over 100 man hours in object-oriented design and implementation, Project management, Multiple processor use and runtime optimization, Solution Architecture, Enterprise, Solutions, Infrastructure besides vast experience in non technical skills like Performance Competencies.
Boss: Huh?
Journo: What are the challenges you are anticipating in the face of global recession.
Boss: To begin with...
Me: What he means is …right now we are keeping a close eye on the market developments and will align and adjust our product roadmap as the trends change.
Journo: Did you expect to see such overwhelming negative reaction from users for your product XYZ?
Boss: I admit...no! :(
Me: Ahem…of course!!! A negative response was expected from the outset. Our product is unique and a genre-defying and it is very hard to make an estimate based on initial reactions. Judging from the latest reports however, we could safely say that users are not any less enthusiastic about XYZ!
Journo: Huh?
Boss: Huh?
Me (quickly): Next question please!!
Journo: What is your current position in the market?
Boss: Pretty bad...
Me (hastily): What he means is ….to answer this question we first have to define which part of the market you are talking about. Is it retail, OEM etc. Right now our plan is to expand beyond these markets. So our growth is dynamic now and we cannot churn out static figures that would enable you to pin us down on the Billboard. However we can safely say it will definitely be exceeding our expectations!
Boss: *giggle*
Journo: The XYZ recently released was related to software. According to its specifications ABC application software will require the implementation of blah blah and blah blah. Can you explain us how you plan to handle these three elements and how they are applied in your upcoming software, and what technical issues relate to their implementation?
Boss (brightening up at the techie jargon): Well….
Me: Well...since our software is used in PC Software applications...
Boss picks up a National Geographic grumpily and starts thumbing through it.
Boss (looking up from the magazine): Maybe I will go get some Tea for all of us!
Me: Sit down!!
Boss (hopefully): Maybe some cold drinks?
Journo: I would like coffee please.
Boss (getting up in a hurry): *whew* Thank you!!! Err I mean I will have it sent right away!
In the evening, as I sat drinking cup after cup of very strong coffee to calm my nerves and steady my shaking hands, I made a firm resolve. No, it is not to resign and run away or contract Chicken Pox and or Intestinal worms. I firmly resolved that, whatever the girth of Mrs Beached Whale formidable a***, I will kiss it if it means that I don’t have to babysit the Boss through another interview again.
So help me God!
Song I am listening to - Dance with Me by Nouvelle Vague
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Down frustration lane...
There are some people in this world...okay there are more than some...there are many people in this world who are born without that vital part of the brain, that enables them to understand directions. You put these people in a desert and point to the only road and say "Do you see a road here?" And they will say "Where?"
You get the point? In my profession, I spend a huge amount of time giving directions to people, mostly vendors to our office. So there was this new Gift vendor who wanted to come to our office to show me some samples. This is how my time was spent from 10 am to 2 pm today!
Vendor (calling on mobile): Where exactly is your office?
Me: Do you know Hotel ABC on Koramangala Ring Road?
Vendor: Yes!
Me: Great! Give me a call when you reach there and I will guide you the rest of the way.
45 minutes later:
Vendor: I have reached Hotel ABC!
Me: Do you see a road diagonally opposite to it?
Vendor: No! There is no road here!
Me: There is ONLY one road in front of it, and that leads to my office. Please come on that road.
Vendor: Okay!
Half an later:
Vendor: I have come down that road.
Me: Where are you now?
Vendor: Near the traffic signal (5 kilometers away)
Me: What???? Why did you go down the main road?
Vendor: You told me to go down the road in front of ABC Hotel!!
Me: %#$#%%@
Another half an hour later:
Vendor: I am in front of ABC Hotel again.
Me: Great! Let me open a bottle of champagne!
Vendor: Cham....what did you say!
Me: Never mind! You come down that road!
Half an later:
Vendor: I have reached Shoppers Stop!
Me: Jesus Christ!! Where are you?
Vendor: Bannarghatta! ( 20 kilometers way)
Me: But I told you to come to Hotel ABC on Koramangala Ring Road!!!
Vendor: Oh that road yeah? I thought you meant the ABC Hotel near BTM layout!
Me: *Unprintable*
As if that wasn't enough, such people don’t know how to take a hint too. Or do they? :-S
Time: 2 pm - He arriveth complete with a bag of Gifts that I had asked him to bring. We meet in the conference room!
Vendor: First I give company presentation.
Me: No thanks! Just show me the gifts!
Vendor: See presentation madam. Very good. You get good idea of our company.
Me: I have a meeting....
Vendor ( taking out an album): Our company, Thoughtful Gifts was started in 1897 by Ghansham Das Pyarelal Udham Suresh Haldiram!
Me: Can you show me the gifts please.
Vendor: One day Ghanshamdasji's grandfather was praying at the Sri Durga Temple in Saurashtra...
Me (digging into his bag): This plaque looks cool
Vendor: I will show all madam...and then the goddess appeared to him and...
Me: How much for this Clock cum pen holder.
Vendor: ...then Ghanshamdasji's grandfather had a vision and ....
Me: How much for this FM Radio?
Vendor:...founded this organization. We have dairy farm also!
Me: And how much for this World Clock?
Vendor (pained): Apne tho presentation suna hi nahin! ( But you did not see the presentation!)
Me: I did. Very touching story. So how much for this World Clock?
Vendor (smiling gently): Nahin madam. Tho batayiyen Ghansham Dasji ke beta ka nama kya tha? ( No you didn’t. Tell me what was the name of Ghansham Dasji's son?)
Me: Mooorrrthy!!!
Vendor ( triumphantly): Nahin!!!!! (incorrect)
Murthy (procurement manager): What happened? Why are you screaming like this?
Me ( in kannada): Get this joker out and I don’t want to see him again!!! grrr
Murthy: There is no force on this Earth that can do it. He will come up with a presentation telling me why it is better to do work with him. And I will have to sit and listen to him. Company practices you see. Every Vendor needs to be given a fair hearing :(
Me: How do I get rid of him?
Vendor: If you worried about price, I give discount. But only for bulk orders ji!
Murthy: Tell him that you are traveling to the US and will get back to him next year.
Vendor: Aapk log kya phoos phoos kar rahe ho! [Why are you two going 'phoos phoos' (whispering) ]
Me: Nice meeting you Mr Patel. Unfortunately I am being transferred to the US. So I will get back to you in case I have any requirement!
Vendor: We have US branch too!
Murthy: *Groan*
Vendor: I give US branch presentation!
Me: *Groan*
Today I met the Vendor again. He was giving a presentation to another department. The Manager of that department has suddenly been transferred to Norway. His assistant is going to Seychelles I think. Clever buggers!! They thought of places where Thoughtful Gifts doesn’t have a branch!! Guess I have a lot to learn! :(
You get the point? In my profession, I spend a huge amount of time giving directions to people, mostly vendors to our office. So there was this new Gift vendor who wanted to come to our office to show me some samples. This is how my time was spent from 10 am to 2 pm today!
Vendor (calling on mobile): Where exactly is your office?
Me: Do you know Hotel ABC on Koramangala Ring Road?
Vendor: Yes!
Me: Great! Give me a call when you reach there and I will guide you the rest of the way.
45 minutes later:
Vendor: I have reached Hotel ABC!
Me: Do you see a road diagonally opposite to it?
Vendor: No! There is no road here!
Me: There is ONLY one road in front of it, and that leads to my office. Please come on that road.
Vendor: Okay!
Half an later:
Vendor: I have come down that road.
Me: Where are you now?
Vendor: Near the traffic signal (5 kilometers away)
Me: What???? Why did you go down the main road?
Vendor: You told me to go down the road in front of ABC Hotel!!
Me: %#$#%%@
Another half an hour later:
Vendor: I am in front of ABC Hotel again.
Me: Great! Let me open a bottle of champagne!
Vendor: Cham....what did you say!
Me: Never mind! You come down that road!
Half an later:
Vendor: I have reached Shoppers Stop!
Me: Jesus Christ!! Where are you?
Vendor: Bannarghatta! ( 20 kilometers way)
Me: But I told you to come to Hotel ABC on Koramangala Ring Road!!!
Vendor: Oh that road yeah? I thought you meant the ABC Hotel near BTM layout!
Me: *Unprintable*
As if that wasn't enough, such people don’t know how to take a hint too. Or do they? :-S
Time: 2 pm - He arriveth complete with a bag of Gifts that I had asked him to bring. We meet in the conference room!
Vendor: First I give company presentation.
Me: No thanks! Just show me the gifts!
Vendor: See presentation madam. Very good. You get good idea of our company.
Me: I have a meeting....
Vendor ( taking out an album): Our company, Thoughtful Gifts was started in 1897 by Ghansham Das Pyarelal Udham Suresh Haldiram!
Me: Can you show me the gifts please.
Vendor: One day Ghanshamdasji's grandfather was praying at the Sri Durga Temple in Saurashtra...
Me (digging into his bag): This plaque looks cool
Vendor: I will show all madam...and then the goddess appeared to him and...
Me: How much for this Clock cum pen holder.
Vendor: ...then Ghanshamdasji's grandfather had a vision and ....
Me: How much for this FM Radio?
Vendor:...founded this organization. We have dairy farm also!
Me: And how much for this World Clock?
Vendor (pained): Apne tho presentation suna hi nahin! ( But you did not see the presentation!)
Me: I did. Very touching story. So how much for this World Clock?
Vendor (smiling gently): Nahin madam. Tho batayiyen Ghansham Dasji ke beta ka nama kya tha? ( No you didn’t. Tell me what was the name of Ghansham Dasji's son?)
Me: Mooorrrthy!!!
Vendor ( triumphantly): Nahin!!!!! (incorrect)
Murthy (procurement manager): What happened? Why are you screaming like this?
Me ( in kannada): Get this joker out and I don’t want to see him again!!! grrr
Murthy: There is no force on this Earth that can do it. He will come up with a presentation telling me why it is better to do work with him. And I will have to sit and listen to him. Company practices you see. Every Vendor needs to be given a fair hearing :(
Me: How do I get rid of him?
Vendor: If you worried about price, I give discount. But only for bulk orders ji!
Murthy: Tell him that you are traveling to the US and will get back to him next year.
Vendor: Aapk log kya phoos phoos kar rahe ho! [Why are you two going 'phoos phoos' (whispering) ]
Me: Nice meeting you Mr Patel. Unfortunately I am being transferred to the US. So I will get back to you in case I have any requirement!
Vendor: We have US branch too!
Murthy: *Groan*
Vendor: I give US branch presentation!
Me: *Groan*
Today I met the Vendor again. He was giving a presentation to another department. The Manager of that department has suddenly been transferred to Norway. His assistant is going to Seychelles I think. Clever buggers!! They thought of places where Thoughtful Gifts doesn’t have a branch!! Guess I have a lot to learn! :(
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Real time training!
This post was inspired from an actual mail ‘exchange’ between our Sysadmin and my Boss.
Dear Silverine's Boss,
Hope you are in the pink of health as you should be, being Silverine's boss ha ha. I am writing to you with regard to her wonly. Ms Silverine is proving to be an invaluable resource for us IT folks in this office. And I am writing to you to request, that she be made part of our team as a valuable training resource for our fresher's and others. I know my request sounds a little odd, but please hear me out.
Whenever I have a fresher join us, I delegate him to attend to Silverine "only." In no time he either quits,saving me a lot of trouble or gets right back to his basics... which I could never get them to do. I have my fresher's now, hard at work re-reading their training course material that they never do otherwise. When they go home, they scour their engineering course material for things they had forgotten or didn't bother to study, as according to them "that girl has the entire computer problems in the world that we thought had been done away with."
It is so gratifying to see the overconfidence in these youngsters vanish after one trouble shooting session with Silverine. In my 20 years of experience in trainings freshers, I have never seen anything more effective than that girl in driving over confident youngsters to their training manuals.
I am also thankful to her, for graciously logging the most number of complaints ever recorded in the history of this company. This will keep my people on their toes and out of trouble for another year or so.
I don't have to scream till I am my face blue anymore asking these youngsters to do routine preventive measures like the dreaded 'windows/system32/config/system file is missing error' by backing up config folder! Now they do it on their own! Amazing!
This girl is an asset and I request that you relieve her of her duties and delegate her to us for our training and readiness purposes.
Yours truly,
Sysadmin
Boss's reply:
F$%@ off!
p.s Why do you think I hired her? When the going gets tough and everything appears bleak, I have to only look at her and realize that things can get worse. And then I count my blessings.
Request denied!
Warm regards,
Silverine's boss
Dear Silverine's Boss,
Hope you are in the pink of health as you should be, being Silverine's boss ha ha. I am writing to you with regard to her wonly. Ms Silverine is proving to be an invaluable resource for us IT folks in this office. And I am writing to you to request, that she be made part of our team as a valuable training resource for our fresher's and others. I know my request sounds a little odd, but please hear me out.
Whenever I have a fresher join us, I delegate him to attend to Silverine "only." In no time he either quits,saving me a lot of trouble or gets right back to his basics... which I could never get them to do. I have my fresher's now, hard at work re-reading their training course material that they never do otherwise. When they go home, they scour their engineering course material for things they had forgotten or didn't bother to study, as according to them "that girl has the entire computer problems in the world that we thought had been done away with."
It is so gratifying to see the overconfidence in these youngsters vanish after one trouble shooting session with Silverine. In my 20 years of experience in trainings freshers, I have never seen anything more effective than that girl in driving over confident youngsters to their training manuals.
I am also thankful to her, for graciously logging the most number of complaints ever recorded in the history of this company. This will keep my people on their toes and out of trouble for another year or so.
I don't have to scream till I am my face blue anymore asking these youngsters to do routine preventive measures like the dreaded 'windows/system32/config/system file is missing error' by backing up config folder! Now they do it on their own! Amazing!
This girl is an asset and I request that you relieve her of her duties and delegate her to us for our training and readiness purposes.
Yours truly,
Sysadmin
Boss's reply:
F$%@ off!
p.s Why do you think I hired her? When the going gets tough and everything appears bleak, I have to only look at her and realize that things can get worse. And then I count my blessings.
Request denied!
Warm regards,
Silverine's boss
Friday, July 18, 2008
Badwill hunting!
Have you noticed the web advertisements of a job portal with this really catchy headline?
Fed up of your boss/colleague? Refer him to us!!
Very innovative no? What an incredibly devious way to get people to refer colleagues!!! Heh heh
And now...who was that %#$@ who referred my name to that site!!!!
Kindly raise your hands so that I can chop it off!! grr
Have a nice weekend folks. I will be very busy this weekend. Please pray that I catch him/her. And when I do....pray harder for him/her!!
Fed up of your boss/colleague? Refer him to us!!
Very innovative no? What an incredibly devious way to get people to refer colleagues!!! Heh heh
And now...who was that %#$@ who referred my name to that site!!!!
Kindly raise your hands so that I can chop it off!! grr
Have a nice weekend folks. I will be very busy this weekend. Please pray that I catch him/her. And when I do....pray harder for him/her!!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Blue Screen Nirvana!
The other day I came across a vigilante site...you know the kind that has news and updates about bad boy Microsoft, that we all read and then promptly forget about, when our Internet Explorer hangs or system reboots. Our "memory" is short and hence MS rules the hate waves bobbing up and down as swell and after swell of love-hate currents keep it afloat.
So I was at this site called Windowsvistasucksdotcom. I wanted to leave a comment asking why he uses Vista if it sucks and if he doesn’t use it then why is he grumbling, but comments were disabled.
The home page had brief snippets of articles titled, “Microsoft Sucks” and “Microsoft Sucks Big Time” etc with a clickable link to read the full story. There are people who click these links peoples. Yes, the types that are optimist that for once there will something new here like:
Microsoft is a rat
Microsoft is a donkey!
So here I was like a good Netizen reading up on the big bad wolf that we all hate to love and love to hate, when something caught my attentive eye. It was the layout of the news:
Dell refuses to discontinue Windows XP!
Dell, a major partner of Microsoft has categorically refused to discontinue Windows XP in it PC's and Laptops, due to consumer demand.....
Read more at BoycottNoveldotcom
The article at Boycott Novell also was truncated with:
Read more at CrushLenovodotcom
and then onto
Read more at Appleisnotbigdealdotcom
Read more at DecimateIBMdotcom
Read more at KillInfosysdotcom
Read more at TCSManagerssuckdotcom
Read more at StoneAccenturebecausetheyrejectedmyresumedotcom
Read more at CTSisaslavedriverdotcom
Read more at DownwithNarayanaMurthydotcom
etc etc
Notice anything strange here? Naah? I thought so.
Anyways after clicking through those links I finished reading the entire piece on how Dell refused to give up XP and then I came upon an interesting piece of news at annihilatetheworlddot com. It read....
"Microsoft has irked consumers and corporate customers with the most recent version of its Windows operating system,"
Wow! I thought. All the Windows haters must be dancing with joy right? Vista will kill Windows after Microsoft kills XP!! So I read on breathlessly...
Windows Vista requires, hefty investments in PC hardware and offers a paucity of compelling new features in return. Now there are signs that companies' are reluctant to install Vista so why oh why Steve Balmer are you killing XP *sob* Please don’t do this to us. Pleeassseee. How can you idiots ignore consumer’s demands!!! I hate you all!!! Microsoft sucks. Why do we bother with Windows when we have Linux and Ubuntu. Please Balmer, don’t scrap XP. I am begging you.....*boo hoo*
I couldn’t read a more...there was an awful noise coming from the site. Some .mpeg file I guess. I closed the Window and left. I can’t stand the sound of whining!!
That reminds me of this conversation that took place between me and Sam:
Hi Sam, got a minute?
I am busy da!
But you are doing nothing!!
System rebooting you see
Oh!
Hey Windows is back again, we can talk now!
So I was at this site called Windowsvistasucksdotcom. I wanted to leave a comment asking why he uses Vista if it sucks and if he doesn’t use it then why is he grumbling, but comments were disabled.
The home page had brief snippets of articles titled, “Microsoft Sucks” and “Microsoft Sucks Big Time” etc with a clickable link to read the full story. There are people who click these links peoples. Yes, the types that are optimist that for once there will something new here like:
Microsoft is a rat
Microsoft is a donkey!
So here I was like a good Netizen reading up on the big bad wolf that we all hate to love and love to hate, when something caught my attentive eye. It was the layout of the news:
Dell refuses to discontinue Windows XP!
Dell, a major partner of Microsoft has categorically refused to discontinue Windows XP in it PC's and Laptops, due to consumer demand.....
Read more at BoycottNoveldotcom
The article at Boycott Novell also was truncated with:
Read more at CrushLenovodotcom
and then onto
Read more at Appleisnotbigdealdotcom
Read more at DecimateIBMdotcom
Read more at KillInfosysdotcom
Read more at TCSManagerssuckdotcom
Read more at StoneAccenturebecausetheyrejectedmyresumedotcom
Read more at CTSisaslavedriverdotcom
Read more at DownwithNarayanaMurthydotcom
etc etc
Notice anything strange here? Naah? I thought so.
Anyways after clicking through those links I finished reading the entire piece on how Dell refused to give up XP and then I came upon an interesting piece of news at annihilatetheworlddot com. It read....
"Microsoft has irked consumers and corporate customers with the most recent version of its Windows operating system,"
Wow! I thought. All the Windows haters must be dancing with joy right? Vista will kill Windows after Microsoft kills XP!! So I read on breathlessly...
Windows Vista requires, hefty investments in PC hardware and offers a paucity of compelling new features in return. Now there are signs that companies' are reluctant to install Vista so why oh why Steve Balmer are you killing XP *sob* Please don’t do this to us. Pleeassseee. How can you idiots ignore consumer’s demands!!! I hate you all!!! Microsoft sucks. Why do we bother with Windows when we have Linux and Ubuntu. Please Balmer, don’t scrap XP. I am begging you.....*boo hoo*
I couldn’t read a more...there was an awful noise coming from the site. Some .mpeg file I guess. I closed the Window and left. I can’t stand the sound of whining!!
That reminds me of this conversation that took place between me and Sam:
Hi Sam, got a minute?
I am busy da!
But you are doing nothing!!
System rebooting you see
Oh!
Hey Windows is back again, we can talk now!
Great!
Wait...some fatal exception has occurred.
Ok!
Oh no! Local scripting has been disabled!
You take your time Sam!
My Device Manager is also reporting an error! #$%@ Windows!!!
Why don’t you install Linux or Ubuntu???
Err hmmm ahem my system wont support them you see. These $#@ PC manufacturers are in cohort with the evil empire!! I hate them all!!! Oh thank god, Windows is back again!!
Now I am neither Pro nor Anti Microsoft as I have stated before. But I do believe that people who have a choice don’t crib. And those who crib, really don’t want the choice!
Monday, July 07, 2008
Internal marketing! A case study!
There are some times in your life, that you are faced with challenges that stretch your imagination to the limit. It is a do or die situation! And you cannot afford to lose. One such situation happened to me recently.
I was doing this marketing campaign across several cities last month. As part of the goodies given out during the campaign, we froze on Polo mints as an ideal give away among other things. We ordered several cartons of the same, branded with our logo on the label and felt pretty pleased with ourselves. The campaign was a huge success and we distributed the Polo to everyone and sundry who attended...or did not. After reaching Bangalore, we we were pleasantly unsurprised to find that we had another 100 cartons of Polo left with us. We had gone and ordered too much!! My work station looked like a retail warehouse!!!
While I was collecting my wits about me, the Boss walks past, takes one look at the heaped cartons and promptly collapsed laughing. If looks could kill, I would be in jail now for murdering my Boss! His 'ha ha he he' rang cruelly in my ears after navigating through the hundreds of cartons lying around my desk. Sticking my tongue out at his receding back, I did what I usually do when faced with such grave crisis i.e wonder what the big deal was and promptly got back to work happily ignoring the Polo!
By mid afternoon I was busy playing a rather tough game of Solitaire, my chair sitting precariously on six cartons of Polo, the external monitor of my Laptop atop four cartons of Polo and my laptop on two cartons of Polo. People passing by were chuckling and some really cruel jokes about someone’s breath rend the air which I ignored with practiced ease. Sometimes it got a little too much and I took some quality time out to throw a whole lotta Polo rolls at lotsa peoples retreating backs. Their *ouch* was sweet music to the ears, besides it succeeded in getting rid of some Polo. Very nice!
In the afternoon Boss called me and my teammates for a friendly chat. "Get rid of those Polo guys or I reduce one thousand rupees for every carton from your take home salary heh heh” he chuckled amiably. We looked at each other in dismay! That would make us bankrupt twice over!! We would now have to *gulp* eat dosas from the cart vendor!! “And you cannot throw it in the dust bin understood?” said the Boss, cutting in our reverie. "Remember company policy Anjali" he said wagging his finger "NO WASTAGE!! Now get rid of those cartons!"
With the threat of eating dosas from the cart vendor looming over our heads, we huddled together for a pow wow. People like mints, we reasoned. So we will offer them one. That’s it! Simple! We would have got rid of the cartons by the end of the week and eating dosas from Ballal!!! We were so happy!
Our week went somewhat like this.
Marketing Communications Group Member (MCGM) to colleague: Here’s some Polo for you!
Colleague: Thanks!!!
MCGM: Care for some Polo!
Colleague: Okay!
MCGM: Polo?
Colleague: No Thanks!
MCGM: Pol..
Colleague: NO!!!!
MCGM: Po...
Colleague: *thwack*!!!!
Our plan was in disarray and we were in dismay!! We had succeeded in getting rid of 20 cartons only!! 80 more cartons remained. So we hatched another plan. It was called the “SHOCK AND SEDATE” plan. According to the plan we would wait at the entrance in the morning and when people started trickling into the office, pounce on them, grab them, sedate them and when they woke up at their work stations, they would have their pockets, drawers etc stuffed with Polo!!! Whatay plan! We were so impressed by ourselves!! The plan had to be quickly shelved and renamed “Shock and Awe” when we realized that none of knew anything about sedatives. The Shock and Awe” plan was a success!
Hey Nagraj!! Look! A flying giraffe!!!
Where?
*pop*
We succeeded in popping another 20 cartons this way. That left us with 60 cartons and people closing their mouth before saying "Where?"
Next plan was called the “Allure and Secure” plan. As per the plan we made posters. The posters showed a guy team mate eating Polo and being besieged by girls, (modeled by us gals).The guy seemed to be literally being molested in the posters. The poster attracted a lot of interest and we managed to reduce another 20 cartons from our kitty. However our celebrations were cut short when the Facilities staff rudely pulled our posters down after female colleagues complained of housekeeping guys, A/C mechanics and AMC guys reeking of Polo pacing aggressively before their cubicles.
We were now left with 40 cartons. Boss's deadline of "get rid of that thing before next weekend" was fast approaching. So we did what people in despair do. We are after all the communications team no? So we sent mails with subjects like this our dealers. "TAKE 100 BOXES OF OUR PRODUCT AND GET 10 CARTONS OF POLO ABSOLUTELY FREE!!! TAKE NONE AND YOU STILL GET 10 CARTONS FREE!!"
We got rid off another 20 cartons this way. The move led to a marginal dip in sales, but then who cares? That is the Sales people’s headache no? Duh!
We were now left with 20 cartons and all options closed. People were avoiding us like the plague and even our creditors ran for their lives the moment we said “Polo.”
So we hit upon another novel plan. A contest called “BREATH ANALYZER” was organized. Random people would be hauled up for a breath analyzer test and people with 1000 micro grams of Mint or less in their breath would take home three cartons of Polo. There was a mad scramble for Polo after this announcement and we got rid of another 10 cartons this way.
But we still had 10 cartons of Polo left with us. So we decided we will do what we had hoped we would not have to do. And that is EAT IT OURSELVES!!! Pretty soon we were gagging and had to think of another plan after the fumes had died down. So we generated the "RANDOM ELIMINATION" plan. We met with both failure and success in equal measure.
Security: Madam please swipe your Access card.
MCGM (deliberately hiding access card): I forgot it at home Yeshwanth!
Security: Then you will have to take a Temporary Access Card Madam.
MCGM: Sure! If you take a carton of Polo from me!
Security: Aiyyo!! No Madam! Married man madam! Two wife three children madam! You may go in madam! Tomorrow bring access card okay?
MCGM: @$#%@
MCGM: Mr Marketing Manager (MM), please approve the ads I sent to you yesterday!
MM: I am traveling. Will do it positively next week! Is that fine with you?
MCGM: Sure!! If you agree to take home two cartons of Polo!!
MM: @$#%@.
We got rid of the rest of cartons this way and were celebrating in exhaustion at the cafeteria when a colleague from another group, popped in to ask if we had any spare cartons to give him for one of his events. He needed approximately 100 cartons he said you see.
He never knew what hit him. But when he regained consciousness, he was in the hospital, holding empty cartons of Polo!
I was doing this marketing campaign across several cities last month. As part of the goodies given out during the campaign, we froze on Polo mints as an ideal give away among other things. We ordered several cartons of the same, branded with our logo on the label and felt pretty pleased with ourselves. The campaign was a huge success and we distributed the Polo to everyone and sundry who attended...or did not. After reaching Bangalore, we we were pleasantly unsurprised to find that we had another 100 cartons of Polo left with us. We had gone and ordered too much!! My work station looked like a retail warehouse!!!
While I was collecting my wits about me, the Boss walks past, takes one look at the heaped cartons and promptly collapsed laughing. If looks could kill, I would be in jail now for murdering my Boss! His 'ha ha he he' rang cruelly in my ears after navigating through the hundreds of cartons lying around my desk. Sticking my tongue out at his receding back, I did what I usually do when faced with such grave crisis i.e wonder what the big deal was and promptly got back to work happily ignoring the Polo!
By mid afternoon I was busy playing a rather tough game of Solitaire, my chair sitting precariously on six cartons of Polo, the external monitor of my Laptop atop four cartons of Polo and my laptop on two cartons of Polo. People passing by were chuckling and some really cruel jokes about someone’s breath rend the air which I ignored with practiced ease. Sometimes it got a little too much and I took some quality time out to throw a whole lotta Polo rolls at lotsa peoples retreating backs. Their *ouch* was sweet music to the ears, besides it succeeded in getting rid of some Polo. Very nice!
In the afternoon Boss called me and my teammates for a friendly chat. "Get rid of those Polo guys or I reduce one thousand rupees for every carton from your take home salary heh heh” he chuckled amiably. We looked at each other in dismay! That would make us bankrupt twice over!! We would now have to *gulp* eat dosas from the cart vendor!! “And you cannot throw it in the dust bin understood?” said the Boss, cutting in our reverie. "Remember company policy Anjali" he said wagging his finger "NO WASTAGE!! Now get rid of those cartons!"
With the threat of eating dosas from the cart vendor looming over our heads, we huddled together for a pow wow. People like mints, we reasoned. So we will offer them one. That’s it! Simple! We would have got rid of the cartons by the end of the week and eating dosas from Ballal!!! We were so happy!
Our week went somewhat like this.
Marketing Communications Group Member (MCGM) to colleague: Here’s some Polo for you!
Colleague: Thanks!!!
MCGM: Care for some Polo!
Colleague: Okay!
MCGM: Polo?
Colleague: No Thanks!
MCGM: Pol..
Colleague: NO!!!!
MCGM: Po...
Colleague: *thwack*!!!!
Our plan was in disarray and we were in dismay!! We had succeeded in getting rid of 20 cartons only!! 80 more cartons remained. So we hatched another plan. It was called the “SHOCK AND SEDATE” plan. According to the plan we would wait at the entrance in the morning and when people started trickling into the office, pounce on them, grab them, sedate them and when they woke up at their work stations, they would have their pockets, drawers etc stuffed with Polo!!! Whatay plan! We were so impressed by ourselves!! The plan had to be quickly shelved and renamed “Shock and Awe” when we realized that none of knew anything about sedatives. The Shock and Awe” plan was a success!
Hey Nagraj!! Look! A flying giraffe!!!
Where?
*pop*
We succeeded in popping another 20 cartons this way. That left us with 60 cartons and people closing their mouth before saying "Where?"
Next plan was called the “Allure and Secure” plan. As per the plan we made posters. The posters showed a guy team mate eating Polo and being besieged by girls, (modeled by us gals).The guy seemed to be literally being molested in the posters. The poster attracted a lot of interest and we managed to reduce another 20 cartons from our kitty. However our celebrations were cut short when the Facilities staff rudely pulled our posters down after female colleagues complained of housekeeping guys, A/C mechanics and AMC guys reeking of Polo pacing aggressively before their cubicles.
We were now left with 40 cartons. Boss's deadline of "get rid of that thing before next weekend" was fast approaching. So we did what people in despair do. We are after all the communications team no? So we sent mails with subjects like this our dealers. "TAKE 100 BOXES OF OUR PRODUCT AND GET 10 CARTONS OF POLO ABSOLUTELY FREE!!! TAKE NONE AND YOU STILL GET 10 CARTONS FREE!!"
We got rid off another 20 cartons this way. The move led to a marginal dip in sales, but then who cares? That is the Sales people’s headache no? Duh!
We were now left with 20 cartons and all options closed. People were avoiding us like the plague and even our creditors ran for their lives the moment we said “Polo.”
So we hit upon another novel plan. A contest called “BREATH ANALYZER” was organized. Random people would be hauled up for a breath analyzer test and people with 1000 micro grams of Mint or less in their breath would take home three cartons of Polo. There was a mad scramble for Polo after this announcement and we got rid of another 10 cartons this way.
But we still had 10 cartons of Polo left with us. So we decided we will do what we had hoped we would not have to do. And that is EAT IT OURSELVES!!! Pretty soon we were gagging and had to think of another plan after the fumes had died down. So we generated the "RANDOM ELIMINATION" plan. We met with both failure and success in equal measure.
Security: Madam please swipe your Access card.
MCGM (deliberately hiding access card): I forgot it at home Yeshwanth!
Security: Then you will have to take a Temporary Access Card Madam.
MCGM: Sure! If you take a carton of Polo from me!
Security: Aiyyo!! No Madam! Married man madam! Two wife three children madam! You may go in madam! Tomorrow bring access card okay?
MCGM: @$#%@
MCGM: Mr Marketing Manager (MM), please approve the ads I sent to you yesterday!
MM: I am traveling. Will do it positively next week! Is that fine with you?
MCGM: Sure!! If you agree to take home two cartons of Polo!!
MM: @$#%@.
We got rid of the rest of cartons this way and were celebrating in exhaustion at the cafeteria when a colleague from another group, popped in to ask if we had any spare cartons to give him for one of his events. He needed approximately 100 cartons he said you see.
He never knew what hit him. But when he regained consciousness, he was in the hospital, holding empty cartons of Polo!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
A birth-right with no takers
Foxy was sitting alone, as usual, having lunch, which was unusual! He seemed engrossed in some complex algorithms. Perhaps the project he was working on would conjure up computers from thin air, like in those movies, where an image of a monitor seems to hang in air and people actually touch and work on it! I took my lunch and shamelessly plonked myself on his table. Sitting with Foxy has many advantages. No one approaches you with a "Would you able to do a tech event for me in two hours in Timbuktoo? Oh you are having lunch!! I am so sorry! But will you be able to do it?" kinda conversations! The lunch will go on peacefully with not a word uttered, and people will avoid your table like the plague.
Ramesh: Hey Foxy! How are you man!!
Foxy (absent mindedly): Alive!
Ramesh: Heh heh aren’t we all. Aur batha. What’s happening in your life!
Foxy (staring into the distance): Nothing!
Ramesh: No news is good news yeah?! And the love life!! *wink* *wink*
Foxy (picking up the dessert): I bought a new car!
Ramesh: Chalo you have lunch. I will go and bang my head against the wall over there.
Foxy ( in deep thought): mmm bye!
Ramesh is pretty new you see or he would have avoided our table like the plague.
Foxy and I ate in silence. He, deep in thought and unaware of my presence. Me, shamelessly using him to have a quite lunch…like many others before me, who were not as quick as me today to sit at his table ahead of them. Jealous glances darted my way! There are quite a few people here you see who want to be left in peace during lunch.
Foxy forked the food into his mouth mechanically, his mind far away. He was probably thinking "On dividing both sides of equation (1) by cos2 A, we obtain tan2 A + 1 = 1 / cos2 A = sec2 A. Equation (2) is proved." I was thinking, “if I break this awful chapathi into small pieces and wash it down with water, would my misery be cut short by say, 25 seconds?!" Foxy's eyes glazed over, he had left the physical world and was now living only in the mind. He was probably calculating "On dividing both sides of equation (1) by sin2 A,we obtain 1 + cot2 A = 1/sin2 A = cosec2 A. Equation (3) is proved" While I was wondering “if I coat the entire contents on my plate with pickle, would it make easier to gobble it down hastily?”
Then I made a mistake! A lapse in concentration actually, as it was getting too difficult to concentrate on the uncooked rice, watery dal, and rubbery veggies and over spiced chicken curry!
Me: Foxy! I think you guys are really lucky, that you do not have to go through pregnancy and childbirth!
Foxy: Duh! Huh!
Me: Look at Anita there. Poor thing can hardly walk with that stomach. Jiten on the other hand looks trim as ever. No inkling that his wife is pregnant! This is so unfair!
Foxy (addressing the wall): hmmm but then men miss out on the whole birthing process you know! It is a big loss!
Me: You mean, they actually regret not having to go through the whole messy process!!!
Foxy (addressing the plate): Yes! They too feel robbed you know!
Me: Wow! I never thought of it that way!
Foxy (addressing a piece of cauliflower on his fork): It is unfair actually!
Me: Yep!
Foxy (cleaning up the table around his plate with a tissue): On the men, I mean!
Me: Oh!
Foxy (still cleaning): They say that they feel like they have no say in the matter after the conception!
Me: hmm you mean they feel used?
Foxy (eyes wide open and fixed at me): err no!! I mean NO!!!! For gods sake where do you get such ideas from!!!
Me: :(
Foxy: Sigh...sorry for snapping like that. But your imagination is too much for me. Wish I had some of that. Right now I could really use some. I am at a dead end!
Me: Ah! That explains the forking of food in your mouth mechanically. Usually you ignore it.
Foxy got up and walked off with the plate. I picked up his mobile, car keys, wallet, PDA, Laptop, Pen, Pencils, Zune and some other stuff and followed him. After depositing his plate at the sink he went over to the coffee machine for some coffee. I did the same, intrigued at what he had told me. By the time I reached the vending machine, Foxy had already started walking back to his workstation. Now Foxy is 6 feet 2 inches tall. This means he was at his work station in two and half steps. I reached 15 minutes later, huffing and puffing with the load I was carrying plus the notebook, calculator, scale, a book on “Active Reviews for Intermediate Design” and some other stuff he had left near the vending machine.
Foxy was at his desk, looking around with a puzzled look. His mobile, car keys, wallet, PDA, Laptop, Pen, Pencils, Zune, notebook, calculator, scale a book on “Active Reviews for Intermediate Design” and some other stuff were missing. I put the stuff on his table, sat down next to him, unlocked my laptop and maximized Internet Explorer. It was at Page 234 of Telugu Matrimonial, just the way I had left it before going for lunch. There was a particularly cute girl I wanted to show Foxy.
Me: Look, this girl is cute isn’t she? She is highly qualified and a Brahmin too!!!
Foxy: Interesting.
Me: Really? You like her!!!! *whew* finally we are making some progress!!
Foxy: hmm interesting to see a site that handles credit cards and financial transactions running on .php instead of ASP! I would have nothing to do with this site if I were you!
Me: %#$@# !!!
Foxy: Did you say something?
Me: Do you know Telugu Matrimony gets the maximum number of hits from our office???
Foxy: Huh!
Me: That’s how hard we are all working for you for gods sake!!!! And you are looking at the technical configuration of the site instead of the girls!!!
Foxy: Ooops!
Me: Sigh…anyways, so you were telling me that men miss the whole pregnancy and childbirth process?
Foxy: Yes they do I am told. When their wife is in labor, they too hurt….on the inside *pointing to his stomach*
Me: Does that mean they would, if given a chance go through pregnancy and childbirth!
Foxy: Of course!! I would and I am sure my entire married friends too!!
Me: Wow! Well there is good news for you all then! Pun intended heh heh
Foxy: What is a pun?
Me: Never mind. What I was going to say is that, a doctor in the US has created an artificial womb that can sustain pregnancy in men to full term. This will enable fathers to experience the whole childbirth process!! Isn’t that good news for you all guys!!!!!
Foxy: *gulp*
Me: In fact in the US and increasingly in the Europe, pre marital agreements spell out the number of pregnancies the wife will go through and vice versa!!!
Foxy: *double gulp*
Me: Now Indian men too, can show their wives how much they love them by getting pregnant though the birth will be cesarean of course.
Foxy (going white in the face): Where did you read all this?
Me: The…
Foxy (interrupting): Excuse me, but I have to go now!
Me (completing the sentence): …Onion!
But Foxy was gone, headed towards the Boss’s cabin.Ten minute later, my boss came running. He looked very excited!
Boss: Silverine, what did you do to that thing, err guy???
Me: err nothing!
Boss: Something you said animated it err I mean him!!
Me: What do you mean?
Boss: I have worked with it ahem I mean him, for over 15 years now. I have never seen him happy, or sad or angry. He has never taken a days leave! In fact he will work 24/7/365 if we did not kick him out of office at 6 pm.
Me: So?
Boss: He has just taken half day leave…says he is feeling sick and giddy and needs to lie down!!!
Me: Really! *GRIN*
Boss: This feels so good!! Thank you!
Me: The pleasure, I assure you is all mine! *Evil Smile*
Ramesh: Hey Foxy! How are you man!!
Foxy (absent mindedly): Alive!
Ramesh: Heh heh aren’t we all. Aur batha. What’s happening in your life!
Foxy (staring into the distance): Nothing!
Ramesh: No news is good news yeah?! And the love life!! *wink* *wink*
Foxy (picking up the dessert): I bought a new car!
Ramesh: Chalo you have lunch. I will go and bang my head against the wall over there.
Foxy ( in deep thought): mmm bye!
Ramesh is pretty new you see or he would have avoided our table like the plague.
Foxy and I ate in silence. He, deep in thought and unaware of my presence. Me, shamelessly using him to have a quite lunch…like many others before me, who were not as quick as me today to sit at his table ahead of them. Jealous glances darted my way! There are quite a few people here you see who want to be left in peace during lunch.
Foxy forked the food into his mouth mechanically, his mind far away. He was probably thinking "On dividing both sides of equation (1) by cos2 A, we obtain tan2 A + 1 = 1 / cos2 A = sec2 A. Equation (2) is proved." I was thinking, “if I break this awful chapathi into small pieces and wash it down with water, would my misery be cut short by say, 25 seconds?!" Foxy's eyes glazed over, he had left the physical world and was now living only in the mind. He was probably calculating "On dividing both sides of equation (1) by sin2 A,we obtain 1 + cot2 A = 1/sin2 A = cosec2 A. Equation (3) is proved" While I was wondering “if I coat the entire contents on my plate with pickle, would it make easier to gobble it down hastily?”
Then I made a mistake! A lapse in concentration actually, as it was getting too difficult to concentrate on the uncooked rice, watery dal, and rubbery veggies and over spiced chicken curry!
Me: Foxy! I think you guys are really lucky, that you do not have to go through pregnancy and childbirth!
Foxy: Duh! Huh!
Me: Look at Anita there. Poor thing can hardly walk with that stomach. Jiten on the other hand looks trim as ever. No inkling that his wife is pregnant! This is so unfair!
Foxy (addressing the wall): hmmm but then men miss out on the whole birthing process you know! It is a big loss!
Me: You mean, they actually regret not having to go through the whole messy process!!!
Foxy (addressing the plate): Yes! They too feel robbed you know!
Me: Wow! I never thought of it that way!
Foxy (addressing a piece of cauliflower on his fork): It is unfair actually!
Me: Yep!
Foxy (cleaning up the table around his plate with a tissue): On the men, I mean!
Me: Oh!
Foxy (still cleaning): They say that they feel like they have no say in the matter after the conception!
Me: hmm you mean they feel used?
Foxy (eyes wide open and fixed at me): err no!! I mean NO!!!! For gods sake where do you get such ideas from!!!
Me: :(
Foxy: Sigh...sorry for snapping like that. But your imagination is too much for me. Wish I had some of that. Right now I could really use some. I am at a dead end!
Me: Ah! That explains the forking of food in your mouth mechanically. Usually you ignore it.
Foxy got up and walked off with the plate. I picked up his mobile, car keys, wallet, PDA, Laptop, Pen, Pencils, Zune and some other stuff and followed him. After depositing his plate at the sink he went over to the coffee machine for some coffee. I did the same, intrigued at what he had told me. By the time I reached the vending machine, Foxy had already started walking back to his workstation. Now Foxy is 6 feet 2 inches tall. This means he was at his work station in two and half steps. I reached 15 minutes later, huffing and puffing with the load I was carrying plus the notebook, calculator, scale, a book on “Active Reviews for Intermediate Design” and some other stuff he had left near the vending machine.
Foxy was at his desk, looking around with a puzzled look. His mobile, car keys, wallet, PDA, Laptop, Pen, Pencils, Zune, notebook, calculator, scale a book on “Active Reviews for Intermediate Design” and some other stuff were missing. I put the stuff on his table, sat down next to him, unlocked my laptop and maximized Internet Explorer. It was at Page 234 of Telugu Matrimonial, just the way I had left it before going for lunch. There was a particularly cute girl I wanted to show Foxy.
Me: Look, this girl is cute isn’t she? She is highly qualified and a Brahmin too!!!
Foxy: Interesting.
Me: Really? You like her!!!! *whew* finally we are making some progress!!
Foxy: hmm interesting to see a site that handles credit cards and financial transactions running on .php instead of ASP! I would have nothing to do with this site if I were you!
Me: %#$@# !!!
Foxy: Did you say something?
Me: Do you know Telugu Matrimony gets the maximum number of hits from our office???
Foxy: Huh!
Me: That’s how hard we are all working for you for gods sake!!!! And you are looking at the technical configuration of the site instead of the girls!!!
Foxy: Ooops!
Me: Sigh…anyways, so you were telling me that men miss the whole pregnancy and childbirth process?
Foxy: Yes they do I am told. When their wife is in labor, they too hurt….on the inside *pointing to his stomach*
Me: Does that mean they would, if given a chance go through pregnancy and childbirth!
Foxy: Of course!! I would and I am sure my entire married friends too!!
Me: Wow! Well there is good news for you all then! Pun intended heh heh
Foxy: What is a pun?
Me: Never mind. What I was going to say is that, a doctor in the US has created an artificial womb that can sustain pregnancy in men to full term. This will enable fathers to experience the whole childbirth process!! Isn’t that good news for you all guys!!!!!
Foxy: *gulp*
Me: In fact in the US and increasingly in the Europe, pre marital agreements spell out the number of pregnancies the wife will go through and vice versa!!!
Foxy: *double gulp*
Me: Now Indian men too, can show their wives how much they love them by getting pregnant though the birth will be cesarean of course.
Foxy (going white in the face): Where did you read all this?
Me: The…
Foxy (interrupting): Excuse me, but I have to go now!
Me (completing the sentence): …Onion!
But Foxy was gone, headed towards the Boss’s cabin.Ten minute later, my boss came running. He looked very excited!
Boss: Silverine, what did you do to that thing, err guy???
Me: err nothing!
Boss: Something you said animated it err I mean him!!
Me: What do you mean?
Boss: I have worked with it ahem I mean him, for over 15 years now. I have never seen him happy, or sad or angry. He has never taken a days leave! In fact he will work 24/7/365 if we did not kick him out of office at 6 pm.
Me: So?
Boss: He has just taken half day leave…says he is feeling sick and giddy and needs to lie down!!!
Me: Really! *GRIN*
Boss: This feels so good!! Thank you!
Me: The pleasure, I assure you is all mine! *Evil Smile*
Thursday, June 26, 2008
S.O.S!!
I want someone here who knows coding, to write a simple piece of code, that can analyze and monitor all outgoing promotional calls for phone companies. This software, which we will christen as Promo Call Slam Statcounter, will give telephone companies, a comprehensive view of how sucky their promotional jingles and messages are, and how quickly people put down their phone when they hear the familiar "Hey You want to meet Shah Rukh Khan? Call us at Rs 10/- per second and answer some inane questions. Best of luck sucker! *snigger*". (Background music: Kkkkrazy Kkkkiya Re!!)
The same code should be modified for another application! This time, to monitor how quickly people disconnect their phones when they hear the familiar “Hello! Mr Loser? Hi I am from ICICI Bank...." We will christen this code Telecall Slam Statcounter.
The code can be further modified to eradicate yet another pet peeeve of ours. Promotional SMS's that is sent by those infernal four digit numbers!! We will christen this code as Promo SMS Delete Statcounter. This code will analyze and monitor how many subscribers delete the SMS's without reading them and in how many seconds, do people who open it through sheer habit, wipe it off the face of the earth!
The person who delivers the code will get to buy me coffee! See how nice I am no?
Now get cracking all you Codies!! Saturday approacheth! I haven’t had an afternoon nap for 4567 consecutive Saturday and Sundays! *sob*
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
A gult edged dilemma
‘Anju’ said my senior Gult colleague as he walked up to my work station. “Let’s go for a walk.”
“Why? Is there no other bakra willing to come with you?” I asked sympathetically.
“No” he admitted dejectedly.
“You poor thing” I exclaimed as I locked my lappie, secretly thanking my stars for the break from the ongoing wrestling match with Excel, in which Excel is currently winning and will perhaps emerge victorious by the end of the day, according to the punters in the office. Brisk betting is going on. The odds are 2000 to 1 against me. Sigh.
I locked the desk drawers and the both of us walked out of the building. My Gult (Telugu) colleague, is one of those MIT types who was kicked out of MIT because they had nothing else to offer him anymore. Hence the intellectual gap between him and me is roughly twice the distance from the Sun to its farthest neighbor. Which is very very very very far even I know.
My colleague like all Gult babies was named to ensure that no computer form in the world will have enough columns to accommodate his name. When he travels abroad, he usually lends his laptop to accommodate the tail end of his name on the various official computers. We lovingly call him Foxy, which is shortened from “"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” a 35-letter phrase that uses all the letters of the English alphabet. His name, according to his parents has all the Telugu alphabets in it you see and hence the logic.
Foxy breathed a heavy sigh and looked at the blue yonder for sometime. He seemed fascinated by a lady who looked like a sack of Watermelons, playing Golf. He tore his eyes away from what would have been considered a classically beautiful figure a few centuries ago and looked at me.
Foxy: You know I like you mallu gals.
Me: Thank you!
Foxy: You guys are so down to Earth and…
Me: And?
Foxy: And….*waves his hand in circles*
Me: Buxom?
Foxy ( horrified): No!!! Noooo! I meant wholesome!
Me: So?
Foxy: Our gals on the other hand have a mind of their own!
Me: errr ok! Is that good or bad?
Foxy: Bad! Very bad I tell you!
Me: My condolences.
I think of one of my closest friend, I mean very close friend, make it bestest buddy…she reads this blog you know and is on very close terms with one bhai who lives across the border. Close terms as in several transactions close. Now this gal will not be too happy to hear this. She is Gult you see and has a mind of her own.
Foxy kept one leg on the low wall like NTR in a Telugu blockbuster and sighed again. The watermelon lady was nowhere to be seen.
Foxy: I am 38 you know and quite set in my ways!
Me: Let me sum up the situation here… you are set in your ways and any prospective bride will have a mind of her own right?
Foxy: Right!
Me: You will die a bachelor, man!
Foxy wandered over to the fountain and sat at its edge like a Telugu superstar in a mythological block buster. I followed him. This was getting fun! The waters gurgled and giggled. A soft breeze caressed our face. Foxy seemed oblivious to all this.
Foxy: *sigh*
Me: Did you say anything!
Foxy: My parents want me to get settled you know!
Me: Quite understandable. You are not getting any younger!
Foxy: Don’t rub it in!
Me: Sorry!
Foxy: And you know the problems with our girls….
Me: Lemme guess…they have a mind of their own right?
Foxy: Exactly!
Me: Why don’t you marry a non gult girl then? *under my breath* "A zombie perhaps?"
Foxy: My parents will never allow that.
Me: You are in a jam, man!
Foxy: Precisely! Which is why I have decided to remain a bachelor.
Me: err... then why all this exercise. I mean calling me out and going through this soul searching?
Foxy: I like talking to you. You listen…and don't talk back. The others are pretty set in their ways you know. They have a mind of their own!
Me: I am glad you are not getting married.
Foxy: Me too!
Me: I am glad for a different reason though.
Foxy: Huh?
Me: Never mind!
“Why? Is there no other bakra willing to come with you?” I asked sympathetically.
“No” he admitted dejectedly.
“You poor thing” I exclaimed as I locked my lappie, secretly thanking my stars for the break from the ongoing wrestling match with Excel, in which Excel is currently winning and will perhaps emerge victorious by the end of the day, according to the punters in the office. Brisk betting is going on. The odds are 2000 to 1 against me. Sigh.
I locked the desk drawers and the both of us walked out of the building. My Gult (Telugu) colleague, is one of those MIT types who was kicked out of MIT because they had nothing else to offer him anymore. Hence the intellectual gap between him and me is roughly twice the distance from the Sun to its farthest neighbor. Which is very very very very far even I know.
My colleague like all Gult babies was named to ensure that no computer form in the world will have enough columns to accommodate his name. When he travels abroad, he usually lends his laptop to accommodate the tail end of his name on the various official computers. We lovingly call him Foxy, which is shortened from “"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” a 35-letter phrase that uses all the letters of the English alphabet. His name, according to his parents has all the Telugu alphabets in it you see and hence the logic.
Foxy breathed a heavy sigh and looked at the blue yonder for sometime. He seemed fascinated by a lady who looked like a sack of Watermelons, playing Golf. He tore his eyes away from what would have been considered a classically beautiful figure a few centuries ago and looked at me.
Foxy: You know I like you mallu gals.
Me: Thank you!
Foxy: You guys are so down to Earth and…
Me: And?
Foxy: And….*waves his hand in circles*
Me: Buxom?
Foxy ( horrified): No!!! Noooo! I meant wholesome!
Me: So?
Foxy: Our gals on the other hand have a mind of their own!
Me: errr ok! Is that good or bad?
Foxy: Bad! Very bad I tell you!
Me: My condolences.
I think of one of my closest friend, I mean very close friend, make it bestest buddy…she reads this blog you know and is on very close terms with one bhai who lives across the border. Close terms as in several transactions close. Now this gal will not be too happy to hear this. She is Gult you see and has a mind of her own.
Foxy kept one leg on the low wall like NTR in a Telugu blockbuster and sighed again. The watermelon lady was nowhere to be seen.
Foxy: I am 38 you know and quite set in my ways!
Me: Let me sum up the situation here… you are set in your ways and any prospective bride will have a mind of her own right?
Foxy: Right!
Me: You will die a bachelor, man!
Foxy wandered over to the fountain and sat at its edge like a Telugu superstar in a mythological block buster. I followed him. This was getting fun! The waters gurgled and giggled. A soft breeze caressed our face. Foxy seemed oblivious to all this.
Foxy: *sigh*
Me: Did you say anything!
Foxy: My parents want me to get settled you know!
Me: Quite understandable. You are not getting any younger!
Foxy: Don’t rub it in!
Me: Sorry!
Foxy: And you know the problems with our girls….
Me: Lemme guess…they have a mind of their own right?
Foxy: Exactly!
Me: Why don’t you marry a non gult girl then? *under my breath* "A zombie perhaps?"
Foxy: My parents will never allow that.
Me: You are in a jam, man!
Foxy: Precisely! Which is why I have decided to remain a bachelor.
Me: err... then why all this exercise. I mean calling me out and going through this soul searching?
Foxy: I like talking to you. You listen…and don't talk back. The others are pretty set in their ways you know. They have a mind of their own!
Me: I am glad you are not getting married.
Foxy: Me too!
Me: I am glad for a different reason though.
Foxy: Huh?
Me: Never mind!
Monday, June 09, 2008
When you can't beat them...
Email exchange between me and my Laptop service center.
Dear Mr Support Engineer (SE)
XYZ Laptops
Sub: Laptop battery explodes!!!!
I had purchased a Laptop XYZ 123 iix from ABC Electronics in December 2007. I reported the first complaint in January. Since then the laptop has been attended to three times to no avail. I would like to bring this to your notice for a speedy resolution of the problem.
Regards
Silverine
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ms Silverine,
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Mr Fixit will get in touch with you shortly. Regarding the subject of your email, please hand over the battery to Mr Fixit. We will have it replaced at no cost.
Regards
Support Engineer (SE)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: Thank you! I was not at home when Mr Fixit dropped in. My brother was however satisfied with the repairs carried out!
SE: You are most welcome. Please do get in touch if you face anymore problems with your Laptop. Do let us know when we can pick up the faulty battery.
Two weeks later:
SE: Dear Miss Silverine. Trust you are in good health and the Laptop is working satisfactorily!
Me: My lappie is not recognizing the DVD/RW drive!!
SE: Mr Fixit will be at your house shortly!
Me: Thank you! I was not at home when Mr Fixit dropped in. My Dad was however satisfied with the repairs carried out!
A month later
SE: We were unable to collect the battery since you were not at home. Please let us know when we can have it collected.
Me: Thank you! I have another problem! The wireless card went out!
SE: Mr Fixit will be at your house asap! We can arrange to have the battery collected from your office or home. Please let us know a convenient time.
Me: Thank you! I was not at home when Mr Fixit dropped in but my maid Devi, was quite satisfied with the repairs carried out!
Three months later
SE: Gentle reminder! Please let us know when and where we can collect the battery!
Me: Sure! I am not in station at the moment but my brother tells me that the AC power adapter has gone out twice.
SE: We will have it attended to immediately ma’am!
Me: I am traveling but my mom was quite satisfied with the repairs carried out! Thank you!
One month later
Se: My mobile number is 98765432100 and landline number is 12345678. Please drop in a mail or call me when you are in town so that my staff can pick up the battery!
Me: Sure!
Another month later:
Me: Dear Mr SE. The laptop is un-installing my printer now and then.
SE: Mr Fixit is on the way!
Me: Thank you! I was not at home but my doggie Brandy was quite satisfied with the repairs carried out! Thank you!
A week later:
SE: Dear Silverine. Hope the Laptop is working satisfactorily now! Could you please hand over the battery, so that we can send it for a review!
Me: Oh that! I am so sorry. It wasn’t the battery that exploded. That was my neighbor, bursting a Diwali cracker! Thank you for your concern. The laptop is working fine now!
SE:@$#%@^&
“When you can’t beat ‘em frustrate ‘em”
..old laptop sufferer err…user saying.
Here's what a blogger is going through because she dared to raise her voice against plagiarism!
Dear Mr Support Engineer (SE)
XYZ Laptops
Sub: Laptop battery explodes!!!!
I had purchased a Laptop XYZ 123 iix from ABC Electronics in December 2007. I reported the first complaint in January. Since then the laptop has been attended to three times to no avail. I would like to bring this to your notice for a speedy resolution of the problem.
Regards
Silverine
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ms Silverine,
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Mr Fixit will get in touch with you shortly. Regarding the subject of your email, please hand over the battery to Mr Fixit. We will have it replaced at no cost.
Regards
Support Engineer (SE)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: Thank you! I was not at home when Mr Fixit dropped in. My brother was however satisfied with the repairs carried out!
SE: You are most welcome. Please do get in touch if you face anymore problems with your Laptop. Do let us know when we can pick up the faulty battery.
Two weeks later:
SE: Dear Miss Silverine. Trust you are in good health and the Laptop is working satisfactorily!
Me: My lappie is not recognizing the DVD/RW drive!!
SE: Mr Fixit will be at your house shortly!
Me: Thank you! I was not at home when Mr Fixit dropped in. My Dad was however satisfied with the repairs carried out!
A month later
SE: We were unable to collect the battery since you were not at home. Please let us know when we can have it collected.
Me: Thank you! I have another problem! The wireless card went out!
SE: Mr Fixit will be at your house asap! We can arrange to have the battery collected from your office or home. Please let us know a convenient time.
Me: Thank you! I was not at home when Mr Fixit dropped in but my maid Devi, was quite satisfied with the repairs carried out!
Three months later
SE: Gentle reminder! Please let us know when and where we can collect the battery!
Me: Sure! I am not in station at the moment but my brother tells me that the AC power adapter has gone out twice.
SE: We will have it attended to immediately ma’am!
Me: I am traveling but my mom was quite satisfied with the repairs carried out! Thank you!
One month later
Se: My mobile number is 98765432100 and landline number is 12345678. Please drop in a mail or call me when you are in town so that my staff can pick up the battery!
Me: Sure!
Another month later:
Me: Dear Mr SE. The laptop is un-installing my printer now and then.
SE: Mr Fixit is on the way!
Me: Thank you! I was not at home but my doggie Brandy was quite satisfied with the repairs carried out! Thank you!
A week later:
SE: Dear Silverine. Hope the Laptop is working satisfactorily now! Could you please hand over the battery, so that we can send it for a review!
Me: Oh that! I am so sorry. It wasn’t the battery that exploded. That was my neighbor, bursting a Diwali cracker! Thank you for your concern. The laptop is working fine now!
SE:@$#%@^&
“When you can’t beat ‘em frustrate ‘em”
..old laptop sufferer err…user saying.
Here's what a blogger is going through because she dared to raise her voice against plagiarism!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Karva Chauth 2.0
Karva chauth: An auspicious day observed by married women in Hindi films err North India, by fasting for the good health and long life of their husbands, the only bread winner of the family in the good old days.
Now with women doubling up as jam/caviar winners to supplement the bread brought by the breadwinner, the ritual is going to change according to a religious head, who wishes to remain anonymous. This is to ensure the longevity of Indian marriages which may be threatened by the missus preferring Crackers over bread for her Caviar! Henceforth Husbands will observe this ritual for the good health and long life of their marriages.
On Karva chauth day, Husbands will get up at 4:30 am, take bath, ensuring he doesn’t use the wife's shampoo and soap, clean the toilet, put the towels outside for drying and make breakfast after doing Pooja (it means ‘prayer’ silly). He will of course ensure that the house is swept and swabbed before the pooja. Before that he will ensure that he has removed the frozen stuff from the freezer and left it out for thawing. Of course, the frozen stuff will be cleaned and packed neatly in Ziplock bags, so that the family eats clean and nutritious food always.
Much before the thawing...like a month before, hubby would have paid the electricity bill, water bill, corporation tax, stood in the ration queue and bought the kerosene, rice, sugar etc. He would have of course woken up the kids, got them ready for school, made breakfast, packed their tiffin and made the wife her morning tea before doing what I have mentioned in the beginning of this paragraph.
And before doing all that I have mentioned in the above paragraph, he would have ensured that the wife has three hot home cooked meals a day and something special on weekends so that she is not bored with the fare. He would have entertained his in laws, cooked their favorite dishes, took them to the doctor, ran around for his wives brothers wedding and ensured that the home was also running simultaneously.
Much much before all that I have mentioned in the above two paragraphs, like before the wedding hubby would have taken cookery classes, home decoration classes, flower decoration classes, candle making classes, grooming classes in order to be attractive and useful to the future wifey. His mom would have taught him to be docile and meek and drilled it into his head that his better half was a goddess herself. He would have kept himself "pure" (barf) for his future wife and would have ensured a good reputation for himself in the society as a good boy! Of course his Dad would have scrimped and saved a sizable dowry so that he could marry of his son into a good family.
Further his Dad would have taught him to be a good husband, like he was and the generations before him. He would have taught him the intricacies of the religious rituals and festivals so that he could carry on the family traditions and ensure their continuity.
And much much before what I have mentioned in the above paragraphs…err where is everyone gone?
umm, guys?
Hello?
Anyone here?!?
*hummphh*
Now with women doubling up as jam/caviar winners to supplement the bread brought by the breadwinner, the ritual is going to change according to a religious head, who wishes to remain anonymous. This is to ensure the longevity of Indian marriages which may be threatened by the missus preferring Crackers over bread for her Caviar! Henceforth Husbands will observe this ritual for the good health and long life of their marriages.
On Karva chauth day, Husbands will get up at 4:30 am, take bath, ensuring he doesn’t use the wife's shampoo and soap, clean the toilet, put the towels outside for drying and make breakfast after doing Pooja (it means ‘prayer’ silly). He will of course ensure that the house is swept and swabbed before the pooja. Before that he will ensure that he has removed the frozen stuff from the freezer and left it out for thawing. Of course, the frozen stuff will be cleaned and packed neatly in Ziplock bags, so that the family eats clean and nutritious food always.
Much before the thawing...like a month before, hubby would have paid the electricity bill, water bill, corporation tax, stood in the ration queue and bought the kerosene, rice, sugar etc. He would have of course woken up the kids, got them ready for school, made breakfast, packed their tiffin and made the wife her morning tea before doing what I have mentioned in the beginning of this paragraph.
And before doing all that I have mentioned in the above paragraph, he would have ensured that the wife has three hot home cooked meals a day and something special on weekends so that she is not bored with the fare. He would have entertained his in laws, cooked their favorite dishes, took them to the doctor, ran around for his wives brothers wedding and ensured that the home was also running simultaneously.
Much much before all that I have mentioned in the above two paragraphs, like before the wedding hubby would have taken cookery classes, home decoration classes, flower decoration classes, candle making classes, grooming classes in order to be attractive and useful to the future wifey. His mom would have taught him to be docile and meek and drilled it into his head that his better half was a goddess herself. He would have kept himself "pure" (barf) for his future wife and would have ensured a good reputation for himself in the society as a good boy! Of course his Dad would have scrimped and saved a sizable dowry so that he could marry of his son into a good family.
Further his Dad would have taught him to be a good husband, like he was and the generations before him. He would have taught him the intricacies of the religious rituals and festivals so that he could carry on the family traditions and ensure their continuity.
And much much before what I have mentioned in the above paragraphs…err where is everyone gone?
umm, guys?
Hello?
Anyone here?!?
*hummphh*
Friday, May 23, 2008
Life is like this wonly!
Jacob, a cousin bro, who has recently been placed with an IT company here, was staying with us till he secured his own accommodation. His elder sister calls him up now and then from the US, to check on him. Conversation between Chechi (elder sister) and Aniyan (younger brother) goes like this!
Chechi: How is work!
Jacob: Great! Training is going on now!
C: And what do you do on weekends?
J: I drop in here.
C: Good! So you must be going to church with aunty right!
J:Yes!
A few weeks later when Jacob got his own accommodation!
C: How are you mone?
J: I am fine chechi. How are you?
C: I am fine. My due date is any day now. Please pray from me.
J (emotionally): I will chechi. I pray for you everyday! *sniff*
C: *Sniff* And don't forget to go for Mass ok?
J: Ok!
A few days later!
C: How are you kutta?
J: I am fine!! Dying to see our vaava (baby)!
C: ha ha He looks just like you. Reminds me of you when you were a baby!
J: Please send me some more snaps of him. I can’t get enough of his photos.
C:lol! Ok! Please pray for you nephew too when you go to church!
J: Of course!
C: You are going regularly to church no?
J: If course chechi!
A few weeks later when Jacob is at our house for lunch!
C: How are you?
J: I am fine! How are you and chetan and vaava!
C: We are all fine! Vaava's christening is on 10th. I know you will not be able to make it. But pray for him huh!
J: I am sending some stuff for him through amma!
C: Don’t send anything for him. Send some kudampulli instead!
J: lol!
C: So what else?
J: Everything is fine chechi. I am now in the Development Center!
C: Great!! Ok I gotta go now. Love you loads kutta!
J: Bye!
C: Hey wait!!! I got to tell you something!
J: Ok!!
C: *silence*
J: Helooo?
C: I am back! Had to go open the door for your chetan. What I wanted to say was, don't miss Sunday Masses okay!
J (under his breath): @#$%@
Me: ROFL!!!
Jacob tries and fails miserably in giving me his dirtiest look!! What else did he think she will say? "I got a cute gal for you!" :p
*sigh* wish I had a chechi :(
Chechi: How is work!
Jacob: Great! Training is going on now!
C: And what do you do on weekends?
J: I drop in here.
C: Good! So you must be going to church with aunty right!
J:Yes!
A few weeks later when Jacob got his own accommodation!
C: How are you mone?
J: I am fine chechi. How are you?
C: I am fine. My due date is any day now. Please pray from me.
J (emotionally): I will chechi. I pray for you everyday! *sniff*
C: *Sniff* And don't forget to go for Mass ok?
J: Ok!
A few days later!
C: How are you kutta?
J: I am fine!! Dying to see our vaava (baby)!
C: ha ha He looks just like you. Reminds me of you when you were a baby!
J: Please send me some more snaps of him. I can’t get enough of his photos.
C:lol! Ok! Please pray for you nephew too when you go to church!
J: Of course!
C: You are going regularly to church no?
J: If course chechi!
A few weeks later when Jacob is at our house for lunch!
C: How are you?
J: I am fine! How are you and chetan and vaava!
C: We are all fine! Vaava's christening is on 10th. I know you will not be able to make it. But pray for him huh!
J: I am sending some stuff for him through amma!
C: Don’t send anything for him. Send some kudampulli instead!
J: lol!
C: So what else?
J: Everything is fine chechi. I am now in the Development Center!
C: Great!! Ok I gotta go now. Love you loads kutta!
J: Bye!
C: Hey wait!!! I got to tell you something!
J: Ok!!
C: *silence*
J: Helooo?
C: I am back! Had to go open the door for your chetan. What I wanted to say was, don't miss Sunday Masses okay!
J (under his breath): @#$%@
Me: ROFL!!!
Jacob tries and fails miserably in giving me his dirtiest look!! What else did he think she will say? "I got a cute gal for you!" :p
*sigh* wish I had a chechi :(
Monday, May 19, 2008
Tiger in the woods!
Have you seen that Accenture commercials starring Tiger Woods? Very original and very creative I must admit! The commercials compare Woods' ability on the golf course to the traits of leading businesses, from foresight and preparation to flexibility based on changing circumstances.
This particular TV commercial I saw, demonstrates “Attitude”…which according to the Dictionary is a state of mind or a feeling or disposition. The commercial shows Tiger Woods about to putt a ball when his caddy drops his golf bag, chumma just like that into a water hazard! While the caddy shrugs his shoulders helplessly like a moron, Tiger Woods shakes his head in gentle remonstration. Before they can retrieve the Golf kit from the pool, an alligator or croc swims in from Australia/Florida making the task impossible!
So what does Tiger Woods do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Tiger demonstrates the adaptability that is essential to every high performer by playing the entire match with the available club with him i.e the Putter! So zimble nah!
(All you Golf legends who are spinning in their graves…please chill! This is just an advertisement!)
I was so inspired by the commercial that I decided to offer free creative work to the team that made this commercial so that they don’t have to scratch their heads when its time to extend the commercial.
Situation one
Situational Word: Effulgence
Tiger Woods is playing Golf. He is aiming to putt the ball into the 10th hole when a helicopter flying above the golf course crashes just short of the 10th hole and bursts into flames. There is flames and petrol fumes between Tiger and the 10th hole! So what does Tiger Woods do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Rescue the Pilot and passengers!!!! Kidding! He thinks for a while and then takes a golf club and hits the ball in a horizontal wide arc and it flies in the air avoiding the helicopter and does a sharp right turn and falls into the hole Sivaji ishtyle! People applaud!
Voice over: All it takes is simple ideas to shine forth brilliantly. Just another day in the office for a Tiger!
Situation two
Situational Word: Facile
Tiger Woods is playing in a serious international tournament. He hits the ball for a six err hard and it falls into a herd of sheep! The herd belongs to a poor, homeless, thin, hungry three year old gal whose stepfather would beat her up if even a ball of yarn on the sheep is harmed by a golf ball or a Tiger! So what does Tiger do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Give a few million bucks from his billions towards feeding poor kids! ha ha kidding...again! He thinks for a while and takes out his Golf Iron and thwacks the ground hard a dozen times scattering turf a good hundreds yards away. The sheep run after the turf leaving the field open for Tiger who then hits the ball straight into the 18th hole. The crowds applaud and Woods throws his Accenture hat into the air and gets right back to office to code!
Voice over: The greatest of tasks is easily done! Just another day in the office for a Tiger!
Situation three
Situational Word: Celerity
Tiger Woods is playing golf…again! A mad elephant comes rampaging down the fairway, damages the green, sticks its tongue out at Woods and vanishes out of camera sight! The green is a total mess and Tiger is just one shot away from victory! What does Tiger do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Go to every Ayyappa temple in the vicinity, smoke out the elephant and stick his tongue right back at him? Of course not!!! Tiger demonstrates the adaptability that is essential to every high performer by using the Sand Wedge! A silence falls over the multitude as Tiger takes aim. After some concerted aiming, Tiger hits the ball hard!! The crowds gasp as the ball takes off into the air in an arc clearing the mess made by the elephant and then dips and falls straight into the 18th hole! Everyone applauds and Tiger Woods PM gives him the day off!
Voice over: It takes great knowledge and great experience to arrive at swift decisions! Just another day in the office for a Tiger!
I can give you endless possibilities. But today is Monday and I have Solitaire err I mean Pin Ball to play! Have a nice week folks!
All 'situational words' have been arrived at after careful thought taking into account the merits of good business practices by using the search option in Dictionary which according to a study gets maximum hits from bum advertising professionals.
This particular TV commercial I saw, demonstrates “Attitude”…which according to the Dictionary is a state of mind or a feeling or disposition. The commercial shows Tiger Woods about to putt a ball when his caddy drops his golf bag, chumma just like that into a water hazard! While the caddy shrugs his shoulders helplessly like a moron, Tiger Woods shakes his head in gentle remonstration. Before they can retrieve the Golf kit from the pool, an alligator or croc swims in from Australia/Florida making the task impossible!
So what does Tiger Woods do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Tiger demonstrates the adaptability that is essential to every high performer by playing the entire match with the available club with him i.e the Putter! So zimble nah!
(All you Golf legends who are spinning in their graves…please chill! This is just an advertisement!)
I was so inspired by the commercial that I decided to offer free creative work to the team that made this commercial so that they don’t have to scratch their heads when its time to extend the commercial.
Situation one
Situational Word: Effulgence
Tiger Woods is playing Golf. He is aiming to putt the ball into the 10th hole when a helicopter flying above the golf course crashes just short of the 10th hole and bursts into flames. There is flames and petrol fumes between Tiger and the 10th hole! So what does Tiger Woods do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Rescue the Pilot and passengers!!!! Kidding! He thinks for a while and then takes a golf club and hits the ball in a horizontal wide arc and it flies in the air avoiding the helicopter and does a sharp right turn and falls into the hole Sivaji ishtyle! People applaud!
Voice over: All it takes is simple ideas to shine forth brilliantly. Just another day in the office for a Tiger!
Situation two
Situational Word: Facile
Tiger Woods is playing in a serious international tournament. He hits the ball for a six err hard and it falls into a herd of sheep! The herd belongs to a poor, homeless, thin, hungry three year old gal whose stepfather would beat her up if even a ball of yarn on the sheep is harmed by a golf ball or a Tiger! So what does Tiger do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Give a few million bucks from his billions towards feeding poor kids! ha ha kidding...again! He thinks for a while and takes out his Golf Iron and thwacks the ground hard a dozen times scattering turf a good hundreds yards away. The sheep run after the turf leaving the field open for Tiger who then hits the ball straight into the 18th hole. The crowds applaud and Woods throws his Accenture hat into the air and gets right back to office to code!
Voice over: The greatest of tasks is easily done! Just another day in the office for a Tiger!
Situation three
Situational Word: Celerity
Tiger Woods is playing golf…again! A mad elephant comes rampaging down the fairway, damages the green, sticks its tongue out at Woods and vanishes out of camera sight! The green is a total mess and Tiger is just one shot away from victory! What does Tiger do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Go to every Ayyappa temple in the vicinity, smoke out the elephant and stick his tongue right back at him? Of course not!!! Tiger demonstrates the adaptability that is essential to every high performer by using the Sand Wedge! A silence falls over the multitude as Tiger takes aim. After some concerted aiming, Tiger hits the ball hard!! The crowds gasp as the ball takes off into the air in an arc clearing the mess made by the elephant and then dips and falls straight into the 18th hole! Everyone applauds and Tiger Woods PM gives him the day off!
Voice over: It takes great knowledge and great experience to arrive at swift decisions! Just another day in the office for a Tiger!
I can give you endless possibilities. But today is Monday and I have Solitaire err I mean Pin Ball to play! Have a nice week folks!
All 'situational words' have been arrived at after careful thought taking into account the merits of good business practices by using the search option in Dictionary which according to a study gets maximum hits from bum advertising professionals.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Consult or be damned to earn thy bread by the sweat of thy brow!
My company decided to cut costs one day.
The move led to a 90% decline in productivity levels by the very next day.
A high profile consultancy firm was hired to probe into the matter for rupees 4 Crore ONLY on the third day!
According to the report tabled by the consultants on the fourth day, the main reason for the sharp drop in productivity levels was:
Employees now have to take the paper cups from the shelf "themselves", place it under the dispenser "themselves" and press the appropriate buttons for coffee/tea "themselves" than ask Murthy to do it for them as was the usual practice!
Their advice: Hire Murthy back!
Cost cutting was dumped on the fifth day, Murthy was hired back and we are now back to our full productivity levels of 12% on weekdays!
My future children will be consultants ( whether they like it or not)!!
The move led to a 90% decline in productivity levels by the very next day.
A high profile consultancy firm was hired to probe into the matter for rupees 4 Crore ONLY on the third day!
According to the report tabled by the consultants on the fourth day, the main reason for the sharp drop in productivity levels was:
Employees now have to take the paper cups from the shelf "themselves", place it under the dispenser "themselves" and press the appropriate buttons for coffee/tea "themselves" than ask Murthy to do it for them as was the usual practice!
Their advice: Hire Murthy back!
Cost cutting was dumped on the fifth day, Murthy was hired back and we are now back to our full productivity levels of 12% on weekdays!
My future children will be consultants ( whether they like it or not)!!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Shopping with stupids!
Drastic times calls for drastic measures! And if you were in my shoes, better pray that the drastic measure is not a couple of dim witted gals!!! Right now I need a vacation to recover from the debilitating after effects of massive disappointments! *sigh*
The saga of disappointments began at a sale! This particular store in one of those Bangalore malls was having a 50% Sale last week. And the three of us, that is me, mom and my second bro M, dropped in to see what they were selling for 50% that was actually 25 %. I mean most of these stores will wait for approximately one week after they open new stocks and then hike up their prices by 200% and announce a 50% sale. Then they clutch their stomachs and laugh all the way to the bank while we scramble and push and shove to buy what we think is a steal. Come to think of it, it is a steal! Either way!
Everything was mostly stolen err...sold out when we reached the store and I decided that I would sit down and wait for the other two to finish their shopping. Now shopping with family members is an interesting experience. It is so interesting that I normally carry Popcorn and soft drinks to sit and watch the non stop entertainment that follows. (In hindsight I should have carried something stronger to drink this time!)
So here I was chomping on the Popcorn, sipping a Tropicana Litchi Twirl rather noisily and looking around aimlessly when I spied D, a wannabe Mrs M. My ears perked up like a puppy scenting a packet of Pedigree being opened...well not exactly but I did sit up with hope brimming in my eyes! All I need was a tail to complete the picture…a touching picture of a rather sweet little puppy with high hopes of its elder sibling puppy marrying that nice gal puppy and leaving the house leaving her his nice room overlooking the vineyard. (The room is always larger on the other side… old family saying.)
D came into the Shoes section all smiles at having spotted M but before she could say “Hi” she spotted my Amma. In front of my horrified eyes, she ran into the Men’s inner wear section, stopped short of a display case and refused to turn around. She stood staring at the display without seeing a thing hoping against hope that she would not be spotted. I groaned. I mean, if I have to get rid of M then this silly girl should not do suicidal and risky acts like being caught in a men’s innerwear section by prospective mom in law to be!! Gimme a break!!! But it was too late. Petrified the poor gal stuffed the carry bag with what looked like a size XXXL of Jockey and ran to the Payout counter. She paid hastily and was out of the place in a jiffy…sweating profusely.
I was heartbroken!! The only other way I can get M out of that room is by dragging him by a bulldozer and that is not feasible as I do not know how to drive one. So my only hope was this silly stupid girl!!!
Sighing I settled down to the monotony of watching shoppers shop when I espied T, another admirer. My hopes soared again. I said a quick round of Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers and crossed my fingers for added effect. (If a wandering sage were to come and ask me stand on my head, I would have done that too!)
T sashayed in waving and smiling gloriously till she saw my Amma! The smile froze and she did a 180 degree about turn. Before I could say “noooooo” she was face to face with the Maternity Clothes line. I groaned again! The room, with its mauve walls that I would paint and the matching curtains that I would buy after T and M are married and gone, seemed to disappear before my very inner eyes. T frantically pretended to shop and when she couldn’t take the tension anymore, grabbed a few maternity dresses and ran to the Payout counter. I wanted to cry! You DO NOT want prospective mom in laws to see you buying maternity clothes. *sob*
After T’s departure everything was humdrum again. Then V came in…and walked right out as she saw my Mom some where in the periphery of her vision. The experienced gal she is, she didn’t need to turn her head to ascertain and get caught.
While I was sulking at the thought of going back to my cramped room, in walked H. My hopes soared again!! This time I prayed to all the Angels and Saints that Mom stays put in Foodworld. She has this uncanny ability to appear when M is about to say the worst pick up line in the world. How do you expect that poor guy to get hitched and clear the room for me huh? Hummph!!!
H was lucky. She could say a “Hi” before Mom landed up from somewhere. The poor girl had no place to run. While my mom looked at M quizzically, a hush seem to fall over the bustling floor. And while the silence strained to hear what H would say, H went red, stammered and said “Turn right for the Greeting Card section, Sir!”
*grooaann*
p.s To forget my dejection, I have decided to go on a vacation. Hopefully when I return, I will be back to my cheerful self with a license to drive a bulldozer to boot. See you all later folks. Have a nice week!
p.p.s I voted!! I wish I could show you the finger err… I mean a photo proof, but today is Mothers Day and I have decided to be kind to mine. Happy Mothers Day to all the mommies! Mines up for sale.
The saga of disappointments began at a sale! This particular store in one of those Bangalore malls was having a 50% Sale last week. And the three of us, that is me, mom and my second bro M, dropped in to see what they were selling for 50% that was actually 25 %. I mean most of these stores will wait for approximately one week after they open new stocks and then hike up their prices by 200% and announce a 50% sale. Then they clutch their stomachs and laugh all the way to the bank while we scramble and push and shove to buy what we think is a steal. Come to think of it, it is a steal! Either way!
Everything was mostly stolen err...sold out when we reached the store and I decided that I would sit down and wait for the other two to finish their shopping. Now shopping with family members is an interesting experience. It is so interesting that I normally carry Popcorn and soft drinks to sit and watch the non stop entertainment that follows. (In hindsight I should have carried something stronger to drink this time!)
So here I was chomping on the Popcorn, sipping a Tropicana Litchi Twirl rather noisily and looking around aimlessly when I spied D, a wannabe Mrs M. My ears perked up like a puppy scenting a packet of Pedigree being opened...well not exactly but I did sit up with hope brimming in my eyes! All I need was a tail to complete the picture…a touching picture of a rather sweet little puppy with high hopes of its elder sibling puppy marrying that nice gal puppy and leaving the house leaving her his nice room overlooking the vineyard. (The room is always larger on the other side… old family saying.)
D came into the Shoes section all smiles at having spotted M but before she could say “Hi” she spotted my Amma. In front of my horrified eyes, she ran into the Men’s inner wear section, stopped short of a display case and refused to turn around. She stood staring at the display without seeing a thing hoping against hope that she would not be spotted. I groaned. I mean, if I have to get rid of M then this silly girl should not do suicidal and risky acts like being caught in a men’s innerwear section by prospective mom in law to be!! Gimme a break!!! But it was too late. Petrified the poor gal stuffed the carry bag with what looked like a size XXXL of Jockey and ran to the Payout counter. She paid hastily and was out of the place in a jiffy…sweating profusely.
I was heartbroken!! The only other way I can get M out of that room is by dragging him by a bulldozer and that is not feasible as I do not know how to drive one. So my only hope was this silly stupid girl!!!
Sighing I settled down to the monotony of watching shoppers shop when I espied T, another admirer. My hopes soared again. I said a quick round of Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers and crossed my fingers for added effect. (If a wandering sage were to come and ask me stand on my head, I would have done that too!)
T sashayed in waving and smiling gloriously till she saw my Amma! The smile froze and she did a 180 degree about turn. Before I could say “noooooo” she was face to face with the Maternity Clothes line. I groaned again! The room, with its mauve walls that I would paint and the matching curtains that I would buy after T and M are married and gone, seemed to disappear before my very inner eyes. T frantically pretended to shop and when she couldn’t take the tension anymore, grabbed a few maternity dresses and ran to the Payout counter. I wanted to cry! You DO NOT want prospective mom in laws to see you buying maternity clothes. *sob*
After T’s departure everything was humdrum again. Then V came in…and walked right out as she saw my Mom some where in the periphery of her vision. The experienced gal she is, she didn’t need to turn her head to ascertain and get caught.
While I was sulking at the thought of going back to my cramped room, in walked H. My hopes soared again!! This time I prayed to all the Angels and Saints that Mom stays put in Foodworld. She has this uncanny ability to appear when M is about to say the worst pick up line in the world. How do you expect that poor guy to get hitched and clear the room for me huh? Hummph!!!
H was lucky. She could say a “Hi” before Mom landed up from somewhere. The poor girl had no place to run. While my mom looked at M quizzically, a hush seem to fall over the bustling floor. And while the silence strained to hear what H would say, H went red, stammered and said “Turn right for the Greeting Card section, Sir!”
*grooaann*
p.s To forget my dejection, I have decided to go on a vacation. Hopefully when I return, I will be back to my cheerful self with a license to drive a bulldozer to boot. See you all later folks. Have a nice week!
p.p.s I voted!! I wish I could show you the finger err… I mean a photo proof, but today is Mothers Day and I have decided to be kind to mine. Happy Mothers Day to all the mommies! Mines up for sale.
Friday, May 02, 2008
You got me trippin', stumbling, flippin' my lid off!
Me: You have the Lyrics of that Fergie song?
D (14 yr old cousin) : What did you say???
Me: I asked for the Lyrics of that latest Fergie number!
D (derisively): It is Fer-gee and not Fur-gee!
Me (tightly): Really? Sorry. I will remember!
D: That’s okay! If you don’t know how to pronounce a word, better not say it!
Me: By the way, do you like my new Neekay shoes?
D: What?!!!!
Me: I said, do you like my new Neekay shoes!
D: *gasp* Thats Nike and not Neekay!
Me: Wotever!! But did you like it?
D (frostily): It is Nike!
Me: he he you sound like a dark!
D (going blue in the face): It is DORK and not DARK for chrissakes!!!
Me: Yeah, big deal! btw your pal Naomi called.
D (panicking): I hope you didn’t talk to her?
Me: I said “hi dewdette” (dudette) and she started giggling and hung up! Strange!!
D(shrieking) : You said what?????? Oh my God!!! *swoon* *thud*
And Silverine walks off triumphantly into the sunset, smoking gun and all to a very retro music from Nellie Furtado playing in the background. Strike one to the very fossilized and ancient in their 20’s generation. Tee hee.
Oops! I hope I got that “tee hee” right!! brrr
The first six words in the title of this post is a Fergie number that I am undecided about. I mean, I don't know whether I love it or hate it.
D (14 yr old cousin) : What did you say???
Me: I asked for the Lyrics of that latest Fergie number!
D (derisively): It is Fer-gee and not Fur-gee!
Me (tightly): Really? Sorry. I will remember!
D: That’s okay! If you don’t know how to pronounce a word, better not say it!
Me: By the way, do you like my new Neekay shoes?
D: What?!!!!
Me: I said, do you like my new Neekay shoes!
D: *gasp* Thats Nike and not Neekay!
Me: Wotever!! But did you like it?
D (frostily): It is Nike!
Me: he he you sound like a dark!
D (going blue in the face): It is DORK and not DARK for chrissakes!!!
Me: Yeah, big deal! btw your pal Naomi called.
D (panicking): I hope you didn’t talk to her?
Me: I said “hi dewdette” (dudette) and she started giggling and hung up! Strange!!
D(shrieking) : You said what?????? Oh my God!!! *swoon* *thud*
And Silverine walks off triumphantly into the sunset, smoking gun and all to a very retro music from Nellie Furtado playing in the background. Strike one to the very fossilized and ancient in their 20’s generation. Tee hee.
Oops! I hope I got that “tee hee” right!! brrr
The first six words in the title of this post is a Fergie number that I am undecided about. I mean, I don't know whether I love it or hate it.
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