Sunday, October 28, 2007

Weekend blues

There are those days when all goes well and even God seems to be taking a nap from his 24/7 vigil of the Universe, especially of the troublesome beings on planet Earth. Those are the days when you settle into the comfortable routine of bliss, bliss and more bliss …you forget the tough days and sometimes even *gasp* grumble about the uneventful pace of you life. And then wham!!! God wakes up and realizes to his horror that his people have become too complacent and fiddles with the buttons and knobs on his heavenly console to put the fear of God in us again.

I was having a really nice Saturday yesterday, my third nice Saturday in a row when my grandma’s youngest sister dropped in.

Ammachi: Why are you home? You don’t have a job?

Me: Today is Saturday ammachi. It is a non working day.

Ammachi: *snort* I never heard such a thing before!! Young people like you should be working and not resting at your age.

Me: No you don’t understand…

Ammachi: Where is your brother working now?

Me: Same company ammachi.

Ammachi: And Molly’s son Vincent?

Me: Infosys

Ammachi: In... fo...????

Me: Infosys!!

Ammachi: What?


Ammachi: *grumble* What a name!! And Benny?

Me: Accenture!

Ammachi: Huh?

Me: Ack…sen… chur!

Ammachi: *blank expression*

Me (patiently): That’s a company ammachi!

Ammachi: hmm

Me: I gotta go now ammachi...

Ammachi (imperiously) : Sit down!!!

Me (meekly): Ok ammachi.

Ammachi: Where is Rohan now?


Ammachi: Huh!

Me (shouting): Eye Eye Yem!!!!

Ammachi: *grumble* You don't have to shout you know!! I am not deaf!! And where is Sebastian now?


Ammachi: What?

Me: %$#& Malabar Beedi

Ammachi: Oh! And Betsy?

Me: Kerala Rubber Factory (She is with an IT co in Mumbai)

Ammachi: And Korah?

Me: Kochi Industries (he is with a Bank in Delhi)

Ammachi: Ende daivamey!! (OMG)

Me: What happened?

Ammachi : That Sebby, Betsy and Korah!!! *lowering her voice* They are not doing too well are they?

Me: *censored*

Guess who all are not talking to me since yesterday! *sigh*

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Some legitimate biases

Overheard this conversation between my Dad and my second bro M today.

Dad: Looks like an awful number of your friends are getting admitted in hospital for bike accidents!

M (indignantly): How can you say that ???? Only Jeevan, Kiran, Adrian, Vinod, Joseph and Kevin have had accidents ... and Dhanush and Hitesh, and oh yes Mrinal...but that was only last month!!

Dad ( sarcastically): Sorry!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Service with a smile and lots of grimace

Dear Ms Anjali,

Just a small Notepad to let you know that the IT Help Desk will receive complaints from 9 am to 8 pm ONLY regarding your PC/Laptop/Network etc ONLY! For the 457th time, we are giving you a list of services we do and do not do. Kindly note that:

1. We do not do DVD writing of movies.

2. It doesn’t matter if you are not going to sell it but use it at home

3. And no, we do not want to keep a copy. Thank you for the offer.

4. Please stop coming to our desk and pouting. The guys here are human you know!

5. Stop calling me DHMS. ( Disturbingly Handsome Mallu Sysadmin)

6. Of course I know you call me that.

7. And I do like it I admit.

8. Hope you mean it.

9. hehe I am blushing ( p.s do you really mean it? Ping me)

10. We have given you 456 mouse till date.

11. And 567 Data Cables.

12. Where are they?

13. Please do not use the Internal Messenger to diss your boss.

14. He is a bloody pain in the butt I agree.

15. If I ever find his laptop alone …never mind

16. Windows XP is dead. So quit whining and make do with Windows Vista.

17. And since you use Windows Vista, please back up your files every hour on a DVD/CD/External HDD/USB

18. Your laptop battery is being used by RS. You are using PC’s laptop battery. Your LCD screen being used by IA and your DVD reader has to be returned to NM. Please surrender your present Lappie LCD Screen as it belongs to PS, the extra 1 GB RAM belongs to SS and he needs it urgently. We will give you RK’s laptop till GH is back from Timbuktoo. He is currently using your laptop motherboard.

19. There is no need to nail your external monitor onto your table. We are not going to replace it with the really bad ones we keep in our cupboard.

20. Please remove the cute little bunny sticker from your laptop when you give it for repairs. We will not be responsible if it is misplaced.

22. Stop calling me from different extensions so that I will pick up your call. It is downright sneaky!!!!

23. And stop hiding behind pillars to catch me. That's highly unfair!!

24. And *sigh* please stop leaving notes in the Smoking Area for me. I swear I read all your service request mails before I delete them.

26. Please call me when you bring chakka and meen curry for lunch.

25. I know you won’t but… did you know we are expecting a shipment of the new Nokia phones soon? You don’t want to be stuck with that old junk do you? Heh heh

26. And last but not the least, WE DO NOT ISSUE BOSE SPEAKERS!

Warm regards,


Service is our motto!

Yep, you guessed right. It is ‘bash-your-sysadmin’ week again!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

On the wrong end of the phone line

Among the numerous calls for Credit Card, Debit Cards, Personal Loans, deliberate wrong numbers by guys and other calls that I get, yesterday I got a telecall of a different nature:

Caller: Hello is this Mr XYX

Me: No this is “Miss” XYZ

Caller: Oh sorry Sir!

Me: Never mind. What do you want?

Caller: Where are you working?

Me: And why do you want to know that?

Caller: We have an exciting job opportunity with a US based MNC Sir.

Me: Well…right now I am not interested in a change…

Caller: This is one of the largest MNC’s in the US Madam!!!

Me: Thank you for your interest, but right now I am quite happy where I am…

Caller: This is a big opportunity for career advancement Sir!!

Me ( cutting in) : How did you get my number?

Caller: From your resume Sir!

Me: How did you get my resume?

Caller: From a job site madam.

Me: But I do not have my resume on any of the job sites!

Caller: errr I don’t know Sir from where our procurement team got your resume. But this is just the opening for someone like you!

Me: What do you mean someone like me?

Caller: Someone with your kind of experience and job profile. We have short listed your resume after careful consideration Madam.

Me: Really? And on what basis did you select my resume. Eenie Meenie Minee Mo method? Heh heh

Caller: No ma, our Procurement Team works with our Internal Process Team to ensure a perfect match!!

Me: Oh ok!

Caller: And money is not a problem here. You can earn upto a crore a year!

Me: Which company is this? The Grand Bank Robbery Inc? ha ha...

Caller: No Sir. It is ABC Life. America’s leading Insurance Company!!! They are looking for Insurance Agents for……

Me: %#$*#$ *SLAM*

I hope ABC Life Insurance has its a**e covered with it’s most Premium A**e Covering Scheme because if I get one more call from their Placement Agency and I will sue them to kingdom come.

What next? Telecallers from Matrimonial Bureaus? I wouldn’t be surprised if we get a call like this in the future!

Caller: Miss ABC are you single?

ABC: Yes!

Caller: Are you planning to get married anytime soon?

ABC: Yes!

Caller: In that case we have an exciting and promising proposal for you. He is 5 feet 11 inches tall, MBA, wheatish complexion and a teetotaler. Doesn’t smoke, is God fearing…..

The future is so bright for telecallers. *groan*

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Old wives hairy tales

Saturday morning and my best friend Nina drops in. She is amongst the 345 other ‘best friends’ I have ( psst don’t tell her this). Now Nina is very nifty with the scissors. I mean she is quite good in giving a neat trim for our tresses that saves most of us a trip to the salon and a mean Rs 300/-. 'Money saved is money well spent' is our Sorority motto.

Now my tresses are the very private property of my mother. Yeah it grows on my head but so what? The lady cares two hoots. Suggestions made in jest that I cut it and hand it over to her for safe keeping is met with a steely “mom” glare.

According to my mom (and most mallu moms) I can do whatever I please…"after I get married” (the lady is a whiz with clauses and sub clauses and sub sub clauses).

Me: Amma I want to convert to a heathen religion and spend the rest of my life eating lizards!

Amma: Sure dear. After you are married you can do anything you want.

Me: Anything????

Amma: Yes!!

Me: And can I become Sheik Al Arabis 18th wife? He has a mean swimming pool you know!!!

Amma: of course mole!!! Anything after your are married! *angelic smile*

And so cutting my hair is an absolute no-no with her because “ no good achayathi girls cut their hair besides “ no achayan boy worth his salt will marry you if you do!!

I can almost imagine a pennu kaanal scene in the distant future. Yours truly has trimmed her tresses a wee bit and enters the living room decked in traditional finery carrying a laden tray groaning under the weight of the traditional delicacies ‘made at home’ from Delight Bakery.

Bridegroom to be: *gasp* her tresses are a little shorter than what I saw in her photograph!!!

MIL: Entamoooooo!!!

FIL: Idhu chadhi aannu!! grr

Bridegrooms brother: Dad!! Mom!! We cannot stay here a minute longer!!

Bridegroom’s sister: This is an insult to our family!

Broker to my Dad: You ruined my reputation.

My Mom: My heart is paining *gasp*

My Dad: Someone call the doctor!!

FIL: We are leaving. I consider it an insult to even drink water in this house.

My Dad: Nooooo please don’t do this. Pleeeeeaaaase!! I beg of you. Please don't go.... *sob*

*Sound of Ambulance siren blaring*

The Bridegrooms family drives away in a huff.

Scene at our parish Church
in Pala:

Priest: And for todays mass, we will pray for our fallen sister Anjali’s soul. God forgives all sins, but this girl has stretched even Gods patience. Let God in his infinite mercy forgive her her sins so that she does not burn in the eternal flames of Hell!

Congregation: tch tch Amen!

Scene at my mothers house in Changanassery

Aundy 1: *wail* Mein loot gayi, barbaad ho gayi err… I mean ente daivamme what misfortune has befallen our family!!! Aiyyo!!

Aundy 2: *wail*

Aundy 3: *bawl*

Aundy 4: *sob*

Aundy5: *swoon* *thud*

Scene at my Dads tharavaadu (ancestral house) in Pala.

Uncle two: 100 Pipers or Antiquity?

Uncle three: Our niece has done us proud. This occasion calls for a Scotch I say!

Uncle four: *smile*

Uncle five: And Scotch it is!!

(Sorry for the abberation folks but my Dad’s brothers are not exactly prone to melodrama. ‘A healthy amount of alcohol is the best reality check’ is our family motto.)

And so peoples to avoid my mother from going into shock, I decided not to trim my tresses…....till my moms next Potta trip.