Thursday, October 26, 2006

When cupid strikes and misses

From time immemorial, guys have used every possible method to catch the attention of the gals they fancy. Some are unique, some are not. Of course there are the suave and smooth guys who have no problems in charming the gals off their feet.

On the other hand you have guys who have no clue on how to approach a gal or are too shy and often end up making fools of themselves. I shall give a few examples of the second type of guys and their tactics that I have encountered over the years.

The Romantic Stalker: This type is usually found on a bike, hovering around the bus stand around the same time your bus is due to arrive. He will be hovering around when your college bus drops you off in the evening too. Will comb his hair and preen in the bike mirror from time to time. He will follow you home in his bike and then turn it gracefully around the moment you enter the gate and vanish in a trice.

Rating: Harmless

The Bus Stand Romeo: This type waits at your bus stop. You ignore him. He doesn’t mind. He knows when your college bus arrives and departs and may be found checking his watch anxiously if you are a trifle late. He looks at you askance when you finally arrive at the bus stand with an expression that says “where were you all this time?”. Any moment you feel he may lift his feet like a dog and pee on the lamp post closest to you, to mark his territory.

Rating: Annoying but harmless

The Phone Romeo: This type has no self confidence but considers himself in lurve. So his friends will jump into the fray to help him out by getting your phone number using sisters or GF’s studying in your college.

Him: Hello?
Me: Yes?
Him: um…errr…. (whispers heard in the background like “ask her her name” etc.)
Him: err….my name is Prasad (muffled curses in the background from friends)
Me: Yes, Mr. Prasad?
(muffled directions being given in the background like “ask her her name you dolt!!!)
Him: err…what is your name?
Me: What?!?!!?
Him: *gulp* err…hmmmm….I mean what is the name of the subjects you have taken in college?
(sounds of expletives and palms slapping foreheads by the support services gathered around the Romeo).

Rating: Absolutely harmless as he will lose courage after the first attempt and the several well aimed kicks by friends who spent many an hour coaching him for this singular performance.

The Dog Loving Romeo: This type probably doesn’t know what a dog is but since he is seen you walking your dogs may do a quick read up and strategically place himself on your regular walking route.

Him: Hello…nice dog…I just love dogs.
Me: Thank you!
Him: This is a Great Dane (a big dog) isn’t it? Nice breed. I know quite a lot about them.
Me: No, this is a Lhasa Apso ( a very small dog)
Him: Oh!!!

Rating: Harmless. After loss of face he may never come back, but the effort was cute and commendable, though lacked sufficient research.

The SMS Romeo: Another poor soul with your phone number.

SMS at 12 midnight: Hi!
Me on SMS: Who is this?
Him: Guess!!! :)
Me: No idea!
Him: I was standing at the college gate in a checked shirt.
Me: Ok, I didn’t notice.
Him: Can we talk?
Me: No!
Him: ??
Him: ????????

Rating: Harmless if ignored. If he persists then I hand the phone over to my rather staid and sedate eldest brother. He will patiently and in a kind tone sermonize the guy about concentrating on his studies and focusing on his career and not wasting his youth etc and soon you will distinctly hear the guy snoring at the other end. There would be no more SMS after that.

The Kishore Kumar Romeo: This type has a song for every second, hour, time of the day.

As you are walking towards him: Thumko dekha tho yeh khayal aaya, zindagi dhoop tum ghana saaya.
As you come abreast: Mujse shaadi karogi, Mujse shaadi karogi.
As you pass him by: Ruk ja o jaanewaali rukjaa, mein hun raahi theri manzil ka.

Rating: Harmless and very entertaining. Uses a good mix of old and new songs and sings well, mostly unemployed, but gallant. Best ignored unless you want to accept his proposal and plan on singing “ Mera jeevan kora kaagaz kora is reh gaya” for the rest of your life.

The Love Note Romeo: This guy is a rather confident person but not confident enough to face you and tell you his feelings. He will send you a letter written in single ruled paper torn from his notebook and the content will usually be like this:

From the time I seeing you, I am loving you. You are vary butiful. I know many boys after you, but I loving you truly. I want to meet you. My name is pyarelal. I love you vary much. bye

Rating: Harmless.

The Juvenile Romeo: This type will shout out suddenly when you pass him by and the resultant attention tickles him no end. He will talk loudly, giggle, push his friends and act like a complete jerk expecting you to be impressed.

Rating: Bloody fool!!

Office Romeos: You get bumbling Romeos in the office too. I will describe some specimens from the corporate world here.

The Internal Messenger Romeo: As soon as you reach the office and switch on the computer your IM will flash a message.

Him: Good Morning!
Me: Good Morning.
Him: Breakfast kazhicho? ( had your breakfast)
Me: yep
Him: What was the menu?
Me: Sorry gotta go for a meeting, bye.

He will of course keep messaging and you minimize the window and ignore him for the rest of the day. In the evening you open the messenger and see the long monologue and reply with a “oops sorry was in a meeting whole day, going home bye” and shut down the comp.

The Traveling Romeo: Apparently…this guy is forever traveling and hence will drop by your seat often on the pretext of giving you Chocolates (from US/UK), Murukku (Chennai), Rasgulla (Kolkata) etc. You realize when you check the packet that they have been bought from Nilgiri’s Departmental Store. He keeps dropping in till you are gagging and probably throws his hand up in despair when you don’t return his affections. After which he probably writes to his mother “maa mein shaadi karne ke liye thaiiyaar hun”. You will have peace of mind for three months after which the routine starts all over again *groan* or till attrition gives you a break.

The Chocolate/Toffee Romeo: This type will leave a chocolate or a toffee in your cubicle from time to time. You try desperately to find out who he is but he is too shy to show himself. When it stops you know he is joined another company.

The Devdas Romeo: This is the silent suffering in love kind type, that hangs around your floor though his cubicle is in the next building just to get a glimpse of you. He is so miserably in love that when you are leaving the office in the evening, you can see him plastered to the window glass trying to catch a last glimpse of you. If he happens to be in the lunch que with you, then the guys standing ahead of him will, in sync move back to allow him to stand next to you which is as good as attaining ‘nirwana’ for him. If you look at him he blushes and gets nervous. You heave a sigh a relief when he joins another company. Attrition has its benefits I must say!!

The Linguist Romeo: This guy doesn’t beat around the bush.

Him: You are a Malayalee? I love Malayalam!! I have been learning the language since two months now. Will you teach me?
Me: That’s nice. So how much Malayalam do you know?
Him: I know vanakkam ( a Tamil word) and oota (a Kannada word)
Me: Those are not Malayalam words.
Him: Oh! *sheepish grin*

Won’t trouble you after being caught red handed.

These are a few examples and gals usually have their own way of dealing with them. All girls would have had a brush with at least one of these Romeos at some time or the other. If not for originality one must commend them for making the effort. And If you know of any other ‘genius methods’ guys use, feel free to use the comments section.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Then & Now Part II

Today was a holiday and our cafeteria was closed so I went out for lunch with my friend. As we walked from the office towards this eating joint near a Montessori School, a car came speeding by and almost knocked me off my feet. A mom with her small child in the passenger seat drove the car. The child looked rather disappointed that his mom missed me. I am sure he has never missed anyone in his video game. I hope the lady got to knock somebody down for the child’s sake. Imagine the kid going to school and facing this.

Kid 1: My mom knocked down two guys today
Kid 2: Mine ‘just’ missed.
Kid 1 : *sneer* What a loser!!!
Kid 2: *sob*

The kid would be scarred for life I am sure, if not growing up to be a psychopath hanging around IT companies mowing down gals with access cards dangling around their necks. Grim portents indeed. We might right now be breeding, a legion of serial killers. brrr

From the look on the little guy’s face I can only imagine how tough it must be to be a mom these days. Our Moms didn’t have it this tough…except of course those teenage years the mention of which reminds my Dad and Mom of over the counter sedatives. How else would you explain the pleasant smile which never wavered when I vehemently demanded my fundamental rights to wear spaghetti strap tops, shave my legs, perm my hair, burn my books and leave school and start a Pizza joint? I am sure they were Gold Members of the Frequent Users Club run by sedative manufacturing Pharma companies, a precursor to the Frequent Flyers Club we have today, which is mostly used by parents for the very same reason.

To get back to our narrative, moms these days really have it tough, confirm the new moms in my family. Moms are no more Mrs. Joseph or Mrs. Nair or Mrs. Krishnamurthy, they are Head-Formulations, VP-QA/QC , CFO/Financial Controller, Head-Poop Cleaner, Head Purchases- Sony Playstation/X-Box/SUV/Cops, Chief- Gaming partner, Manager – Handling Embarrassing Questions like “is Dad gay because he doesn’t have a GF” etc all rolled into one. Our parents had it relatively easy. Like this instance when one of my brothers was in the first standard and saw a Sikh kid for the first time. He came home and declared that he had a girl in his class but she peed standing like him. My parents were caught on the wrong foot and spent many months trying to explain that Manjeet was a boy and not a girl. They now laugh about it uneasily.

Added to all the above, modern moms have to keep up the expectation of the children too. No more Samosa making and birthday party throwing like our moms. They have to know what an X Box is (I just learned that it is not a box marked with an X) and how to buy it in 12 easy installments. Compared to this I am sure our parents had tamer challenges. As a kindergarten kid I told my Dad that he didn’t look like a Dad…because he wasn’t fat, didn’t wear Safari suits, scratch his crotch and swear like the Punjabi uncles who came to pick up their kids. He was very hurt, but then he forgot all about it as got terribly busy trying to get me out of the habit of saying saala ullu ka patta and some other equally interesting words.

While you and me were out playing because watching DD was like being grounded, kids these days sit through F.R.I.E.N.D.S and Will and Grace after homework. Hence their IQ is much higher than yours and mine. For example they know that Will is gay and Grace is not and that Ross is not gay though he married a gay who was not gay but became gay after marrying Ross (poor Ross).

Parents today have to answer complicated questions unlike the tame questions we put before our parents.

Then: Mom where do babies come from?
Now: Mom, why did you opt for a caesarean, according to doctors report I wasn’t a breech presentation?

However after having acknowledged that parenting in todays world is tough I have to maintain that if there was an award in parenting then I would give it to one Mrs Krishnan, my brother M’s friend’s mom ! After the cake cutting and other formalities of her sons 13th birthday she told him “Pack your bags and go to M’s house. I will be right along to pick you up”. She kept her word. She was back when he reached 19 and was out of his teens.

She is a living icon for modern moms with small kids and teenagers.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Then & Now!

A true to life incident.

My lil cuz sis to her mom: Mom, Tarun (14 year old) has a girlfriend!!
Mom (turning to me and whispering): Thank god....that means he is straight!!!

( Apparently Moms these days are relieved even if their 8 year old has a girl friend. What a change from the past don't you think? )

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Next generation automotive technology!

Today I went with my Dad to the car showroom to close his car loan. The showroom manager ushered us into his plush office and was very courteous. This is the conversation that took place after the pleasantries.

Dad: I am amazed at the technology used in this car!!!
Manager (pleased): Thank you Sir! This particular model has some high end features and you were very wise to go for it.
Dad: No, what I was trying to say is that this car never gave me any problem till the day before yesterday, but yesterday after I paid the last EMI cheque the car started rattling and shaking and showing its true colors. Amazing technology! How do you people do it? Hats off!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The search ends here...but why?

All you dumb stupid irritating people searching for stuff on the Internet, please leave my innocent, pure as driven snow blog alone. Haven’t you discovered by now that my blog does not have what you are looking for? Then why oh why do you come here for the 465th time looking for Chicken Tikka Dry? And *groan* don’t you know by now that I don’t have Airtel Recharge hacker codes, or I would be an Airtel Subscriber in sickness and health, good times and bad times till death do us part?

Since you people keep knocking on my door despite my reputation as a nice gal, I have decided to dedicate one post to all you special people, wherein I will clarify all your doubts once and for all, so that you will stop showing your ugly mugs on my Statcounter.

So listen to me carefully all you people searching for the following…I shall say this only once.

1.Livocitrizine: Take your area phone directory, the thicker the better and hit yourself really hard on the head with it. If you are still alive cos you cheated and didn’t hit yourself really really hard then open the directory, go to the Pharmacy section and take down the names of f$%#&g pharmacies in your area., open the door, use hammer if necessary, walk out of the door, go to the pharmacy and buy the f$%#^&*g Livocitrizine and then LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! Ok??????

2.Achappam: arey tere ghar mein maa behen biwi aur naukrani nahin hai kya ki mere blog par achappam khaane aatha hai? Ullu ka patta!! ( please read disclaimer about my Hindi here)

3.Mallu aunties: I swear on all things sacred to me like my IPod, Lappie and Revlon Super Lustrous Lipstick, Shade Name: Teak Rose #78, that there are no mallu aunties here…only a mallu gal, who is an aunty to several bachcha log in the family. p.s I never tell lies when I swear on my IPod and lappie and Revlon Super Lustrous Lipstick, Shade Name: Teak Rose #78 ( at least till this shade is the rage of the season)

4.Dhanush bangalore restaurant: heh heh I know a Dhanush, but didn’t know he ran a restaurant!
[tch tch Dhanush, you could have told me. I didn’t have to find out this way!!! It’s not like I would have freeloaded off you *sniff* I am heart broken and only 20 Butter Naan with 8 plates Chicken Tikka dry from your restaurant will mend it :( ]

5.Mallu Masala: My Amma says that there is no such thing as mallu masala. Of course I asked her dumbo, who else would you think I will ask? Google?

6.Mind Curry: Sounds delicious, is it the same as Bheja Dry Fry? You can get the recipe here and if that doesn’t work I can loan you my mom. She knows 5765598 ways of frying my bheja.

7.Jiby stopped blogging: nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!!!! err...I mean as far as I know he hasn't!

8.Silverine, Bangalore, Communications: Home run!!!!! *Clap* *Clap*
Now do me a favor dear and bookmark me ok?

9.husband crossdressing sarees photos: I swear on all things sacred to me like my IPod, Lappie and Revlon Super Lustrous Frost Lipstick, Shade Name: GoldPearl Plum - 1 Ea ( the color of the season just changed), that there are no husband crossdressing sarees photos here.

10.Pennu Kaanal ritual (Bride Seeing): I am afraid some of my services are prepaid. Please send a cheque of Rs 5000/- wonly to avail of this service. Satisfaction guaranteed or your search string will be returned back to you.

Thank you, god bless you and the search engines and I pray that you find what you are looking for and leave me angelic blog alone!!