Monday, July 31, 2006

Simply single

"Sex after marriage is so boring yaar" lamented a married gal in my close friend’s circle. Apparently it was quite hot and happening when she and her former fiancĂ© (now hubby) were going steady. "The thought of getting caught and doing it on the sly made it so exciting, now it is soooo boring" she said rather glumly. These random outbursts on the love life problems of married friends usually leave us single gals clueless. Since none of us are ‘experienced’ in the department, we are unable to give advice except look at her like we look at the Auditor when he talks about 'Hedge Funds' ( wots that??????)

"er...why don’t you do it on the sly then?" I said, having not a clue to what I should say, but if I don’t say anything then I am labelled a "cold uncaring bitch*".

She looks at me like the Auditor has just told her that the government has raised Income Tax levels to 50%.

"Are you crazy???" she shrieked shrilly, making the ear wax in my ear splatter on the wall and a spider like crack to appear on my other single friends eyeglasses. (It made a pretty pattern though)

It is at times like these that I wish I had shut my mouth like a cold uncaring bitch*. Apparently I am not hot and happening in the “sex advice” circuit. What do you expect when you ask a single about sex. It’s like asking a doctor about appendix; he knows its there but doesn’t know what it is all about.

Anyways, it turned out that my married friend PK was just musing aloud and we were supposed to make sympathetic noises like “how sad” and "poor baby" and "buy a new dress, you will feel better" etc.

So I goofed up. (note to self- next time restrict your advice to Income Tax and things you know about like System Architecture but at no point of time give advice about sex since the only sex you know about is that you are a female)

Which brings me to another problem of having married friends. Every problem on Earth from global warming to India’s fiscal deficit is because of hubby’s raging hormones. So when she calls on a Monday morning, please forgive me if I cringe and make a dash for the door. Soon after a hearty, today-is-Monday-so-mom-made-her-best-breakfast, you do not want to hear about your pals bedroom antics do you? Apart from losing your breakfast you also lose your appetite for lunch. (Hint-Girls are bad narrators)

She: I don’t feel like going to work today because of you-know-what-happened-yesterday-night! *yawn*
Me (praying): *Almighty God please spare me the details*
(aloud) So why you telling me all this???
She ( annoyed): I listen to all your grumbles!!!!
Me: Having a bad hair day is not exactly in the same league as your er…complaint is it?
She: *hmph*

Then there is yet another problem of having close married gal friends....you get to hear a rather graphic first hand account of her ‘first night’...whether you like it or not. Soon after the wedding, honeymoon etc, the girls meet up at some restaurant and the not-at-all-coy and shy newly wed bride will bare all. The look on the single gals faces during the narration is rather interesting. I would describe it as a cross between witnessing a gory accident and another gorier accident. (Girls are bad narrators I told you!).

So if you see a group of girls collectively throwing up outside a restaurant you know what happened. And if you see the only one in the group sitting smug with a *I am getting back at you for being single while I am now a married old hag* look, then you know who the newly wed bride is.

I have now sworn off marriage. I was always bad at acrobatics, aerobatics and complicated Yoga postures. So marriage is definitely ruled out in my scheme of things.

(Disclaimer: *‘Bitch’ is an affectionate term used liberally amongst us gals. Guys are strongly advised against using it on their female and male acquaintances. This writer will not be responsible for the loss of your limbs, sex life and manhood. )

96 comments:

Dr. Pissed said...

Nice attempt at fooling us to believing that you guys are throwing up cause of the story that was just narrated to you.

Drunkards!

But I feel your pain. I just tell my friends I am busy with work, everytime they take off on anything. But thank ALMIGHTY GOD, guys don't have the habit of narrating sex antics to their close friends. Atleast mine dont. Phew.

Dr. Pissed said...

Mera No. 1

Divyaa said...

This was such a sweet and cute post and so funny too lol! And I agree, all this happens with us gals ;-)

Masd said...

Sweet...hilarious.

Nikhil Narayanan said...

Girls are bad narrators????
Not you I guess!!!
ANyways, yet another good piece..
da, nee valla movie scriptum ezhuthu sathyam.......ithokke kalanjekkoo...

~~~Nikhil

killer is i said...

Well .. I believe bitch is Babe In Total Control of Herself .. ;-)

Janus said...

still rotfl :D :D

Anonymous said...

I haven't read anything this hilarious in a long time!!!! :-))))))

NM

Spidey said...

don't swear off marriage just yet. injinuity is still single....

mathew said...

so goddamn funny!!!!!!!!

esp...She looks at me like the Auditor has just told her that the government has raised Income Tax levels to 50%.

Lol!!..nice description...

Dhanush said...

che che .. ee penkuttikal.. othu koodiyaal enthokkeyaa discuss cheyya ;)

Good Read :)

Johnny said...

"It’s like asking a doctor about appendix; even he doesn’t know what it is all about."
Hmmm...

Great write, one of my friends(male) narrated his first night. Due to the graphical nature of the content I am restraining myself from posting the details.

Fleiger said...

Let me tell you, the rumour that boys all meet the next day to discuss with the Just Married guy the details... is just that, a rumour.

And girls are bad at narration? No wonder most of the discussions end with one of them (that should be the listener, right?) crying on the shoulders of other.

Browser said...

Now, if only I knew this before I got married!

Z said...

hilarious !

Ashish said...

she shrieked shilly, making the ear wax in my ear splatter on the wall and a spider like crack to appear on my other single friends eyeglasses

Lord have mercy , I just pictured that .

Not a recommended thing to do right after lunch :p

TamilPonnu said...

so u don't enjoy sex talk?

hilarious.. Beeatch!;)

Anonymous said...

The best part of today's post was the disclaimer!!!

Unnikrishnan G Nair

b v n said...

what an interesting item on a holy monday morning,the whole week ahead looks coloured and different now - its yellow :-) having all these guys as friends is such a waste....they dont even marry.holiest of your posts :-)

Suji said...

Lol...funny. But thank God I don't have friends like this.

Jithu said...

hmmmm... ;-).

Pratish Menon said...

:)

Maya Cassis said...

Just give her a book on the Kamasutra.If she can get through the book with a straight face,am sure she can get through the rocky ride in her relationship that she keeps mentioning ;)

Maverick said...

:))):)))
hilarious to say the least :)))

Alexis Leon said...

Another brilliant piece of writing. How do you come up with all these? I am still ROFL and can't explain my nephew why I am laughing so hysterically.

Mise said...

'What do you expect when you ask a single about sex. It’s like asking a doctor about appendix; he knows its there but doesn’t know what it is all about.'

This was funny and a bit like being transported back to 1950's Ireland, when, if blogs had been around, it's what I'd have expected to read then about sex and the single girl.

It's sure different now! :-D

Anonymous said...

hmmm, u just told the world that u are a virgin!!!

Immigrant in Canada said...

Absolutely liked the part of Dr's and Appendix.. yep I know it is there..no clue why...
Loved the post!

Jeremy Ryan said...

:) I always wonder whether you're a guy in reality :P You have such a strong disposition against all that girls stand for... Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm *rubs chin*

silverine said...

dr pissed: Good one :)

Divyaa: Birds of a feather :)

msd: Thank you :)

Nikhil: I shall take your advice :)

killer is I: Cool definition :)

Janus: I see that you got the gist :))

Anon: Thanks :)

Spidey: Who is that?

Mathew: Thanks buddy :)

Dhanush: :))

Johny: Thanks for sparing us the details :p

Fleiger: Gals ar awful narators :))

Browser: :)

Z and Ashish: Thanks :)

Tamilponnu: Most of us don't, believe me :)

UGN: :)

Fleiger said...

But the one good thing about girls is that however bad they are, that doesn't trpuble guys. I still remember the day when a friend called me to discuss (in other words, talk about) something. While she was talking (for 20 minutes), I actually got ready, including washing my face, changing my shirt etc. All the input needed from me was "Hmm" "Yes" once in a while.

I guess that's why people who know me call me a good listener ;)

dazedandconfused said...

well written and quite funny...!

Thankfully we men don't discuss intimate details of you-know-what with our closest friends.(BOCTAOE)

Anand K said...

Talk about the "Sewing Circle"! :D
Don't worry Silverine, this is the natural culmination of 65000 years of human evolution; Resistance is futile. You shall be assimilated. (Probably. :P )

BTW, you wanna know how we men roll? Observe and learn....

All the dudes in chorous to cheer up their married pal who confessed to recieving head......ache last night:

"I'll tell you what I think
I think she's a COW,
Sheeee's let you down too many times now!
Let's go for a drink
forget it for now,
put it behind you I think it's your round!

'Coz you're my mate
and I, will stand by you.
You're my mate,
and I will stand by you.
And in the face of things that could hurt you,
you're my mate,
and I will stand by you.......

silverine said...

b v n: Thanks buddy :)

suji: Thanks :)

jithu: hmmmm :)

Pratish: :)

maya cassis: That's one advice I may actualy follow :)

Maverick: Thank you :))

ALexis: Thank you so much :) Just exaggerate everyday happenings and viola life becomes tolerable :P

mise: Sure is different now, but not much different believe me :)

Anon: Guess you didn't read the post.

Sarah:Thank you Sarah :)

Jeremy: pssst we are a people called Indians and we live in a country far far away called India and the girls here are very different from the ones you know :p
p.s. you are weird :p

Fleiger: Now that was a sweet compliment! :)

dazedandconfused: That's not what my male acquaintances tell me ;)

Anand k: Now that was very descriptive lol

Anonymous said...

The most honest writing I've seen in days.

calvin said...

DUDE..DOes this happen ? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh !! I was thinking that all gals are sweet coy things , with an occasional spate of fury , stupidity and such..And all of them kept their bedroom antics to themselves..( you know, even if someone asked , only a sweet blushing ) So they inflict their friends with gory details ? SHEEESH.

Why do you claim that gals are bad narrators ? HEY ! Have you been fooling us all ? You do narrate well...which implies....

PS: 'Bitch' is something to be used on men who are to be belittled to the extreme. :D

indianadoc said...

Silverine,hilarious post...I know,i know what u r talking...for I'm an ex unmarried!!... a yr back in the whole dept my friend and I were the 'et's ....we had to act like dumbos when the lunch break was made too 'hot' either with sex discussions or with recipes!!(a married woman's struggle to keep the partner happy!!)...With marriage I have become'kamless'(~kamaless!!) and hence no hot hush hush...Still I dont think I wd have discussed my bedroom whispers with anybdy!! ...Enjoyed your post...

1.618 said...

gotta know many secrets of married and unmarried women :)

Will try to look out for such gangs when I visit the coffee shops arnd Hyd.

Have been a really long time since I visited Silverine... As usual, ROTFL...

Fleiger said...

That was truth, really... (Had to say it. A girl saying "girls are bad narrators, result - all girls nod their heads and get back to work. A boy saying the same thing, result - calls from all female acquitances (and some non-acq's) tearing him to pieces. So, thanks for declaring this. It takes some daring to stand up for truth :D)

As for the discussions under discussion, I thank the almighty that the male species is immune from that, whatever The Other specie might think.

silverine said...

Anon: Thanks, guess you are a fellow sufferer :)

Aashik: Girls discuss everything especialy with friends ;) Bad narration as in it makes you lose your lunch :))

indianadoc: Exactly!!!! I have learnt more about the birds and the bees at the cafeteria table than in an entire lifetime reading M&B. Infact M&B is like a prayer book compared to the married gals discussion at lunch. The discussion is almost always about sex and recipes (how telling :p) and they don't care if we singles are sitting with them. Usually we excuse ourselves as the whole thing sounds so terrible lol And you should see our expressions, like we are watching a horror show. These gals exchange CD's too and these are not recipe CD's I am told ;) And like you I don't think I am gonna kiss n tell when my turn comes :P
Great to know someone understands!!

1.618: No need to go to coffee shops just hang around any gal gang within ear shot :P

Fleiger: I agree we lack the flair of a Harold Robbins :))

Fleiger said...

Harold Robbins? Why not Sydney Sheldon while we are discussing the subject?

Anyways, I know the horrors of being a single guy in midst of couples. When I am with my be-coupled friends, I am alone single-eagle. It is very disconserting when you ask somebody something you have missed, and they come back with, "couple stuff... you will know later" Huh...

iyer education said...

thank you for the enlightening post... i will ensure that i marry a dumb (literal) woman with no limbs... so that takes care of all the communication or the lack of it that her friends would go thru after marriage :)

ps: not any form of attack on physically challenged women... just pure and sick humour :(

Inji Pennu said...

hahahaha.. you are sooo funny!

Very very true that before marriage we girls think it is the WORST thing on earth! Seriously I wouldnt 'scare' any spinister girl like that. I dunno why your married friends are doing this to you...

1.618 said...

That chance might be very far I guess... There is only one girl in my project and I hope these gossips don't happen alone :(

Wd have to give a try at the office Canteen :)

Jeremy Ryan said...

uh huh? And what makes you think I'm so 'phoren'? :P I'm learning all your lingo... heh heh....

Dreamer said...

Lol sil!

who sez that women are bad narrators?

8<})=)

silverine said...

Fleiger: Well..HR was a better narrator in some subjects :)

iyer education: That was soooo funnyy LOL

inji pennu: That's a relief to know :p

1.618: I hope too that gossips don't happen alone lol

jeremy: Very 'phoren' indeed...'gora sahib' and all that ;)

dreamer: In some subjects they are :))

Kautilya said...

Loved the disclaimer...
ROTFL...

shruti said...

hey girl this is hilarious but I didnt knw that girlfriends discussed all this stuff....even my twin doesnt discuss these things with me ...I was under the impression that guys kiss and tell and hence beware ... neways nicely put ... thou I guess things are not always as bad for married couples ..thts why my blissfully marrieds frds tell me !!

Jim said...

...the girls meet up at some restaurant and the not-at-all-coy and shy newly wed bride will bare all
Whoa! I like the sound of this restaurant!

Jagan said...

reminds me of the one liner in my friend's t-shirt - "virginity is not dignity.It is just lack of opportunity" . :-)

Sreejith Kumar said...

Crowning you 'the princess of drollery' :-)

AJITH said...

Hah..Well, I've happened to accidentally come across some of such whispering of a few classmate girls..Both me and they were caught up in utmost embarassment.. :) ..Btw, thanks for an insightful writeup on ladies. Maybe, this will come in handy at some point of time..And, I dont think any sensible guy would discuss his bedroom stories even with his intimate friends..I would rather stop my friend if he's gonna discuss that to me .

Fleiger said...

Don't know... I have yet to complete the HR novel I started in college, and I just read 2 SS novels. So I don't have a lot to compare. So, any more friends getting married?

Fleiger said...

Oh btw, I guess in your blogroll for my blog, the link leads to my secondary blog. (Did you get what I mean? I didn't)

silverine said...

Koutilya: Thanks buddy :)

Shruthi: That's good news indeed! :)

Jim: It's a special place :p

Jagan: For guys dear, only for guys ;)

Sreejith: *silverine takes a bow* :)

AJith: lol that would have been embarassing :))

Fleiger: Yeah, many of them getting married ;) And I have corrected the link ( I got what you meant eventhough you didn't lol)

Fleiger said...

Thanks :D
And many girls getting married? Should we mandate some sandpails to be kept out of coffee houses? Maybe next time you should put a post on the talk, you will give a competition to HR or M&B camp.

Anonymous said...

I am a big fan of your writing....
and so now we know what groups of girls discuss....
remind me to get one of those eavesdropping devices soon..;-)

Vinodh

Anand said...

haah!
Loved ur disclaimer!

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

heyyy heyyyyy

i'm joining the club ... my best buddies are married .. and 2 have a kid each .. man !!! now , i know what "snuggies" is ...
can u imagine how stupid i feel when i go shopping w/ my friend .. for snuggies ?????

and i get a liberal dose on MILs ...

Silverine , do me a favour .. lemme join u ? i'm sich of snuggies and MILs
:((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

the woes of a single with a majority of married friends is far too many ...

the hotel that u and ur friends loved and were ready to die for is no longer considered worth going to coz hubby dears think there are too many romeos oggling , or that the food is unhygenic !

and the flea market becomes a strict no no after ur friends' marriage ... sh!t !!!!

well .. i could go on n on .. but hey ! therez my married friend waiting to empower me with her experiences with MIL dearest ...

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

am back !

apparently MIL dearest didnt like her DIL (my friend ) kissing her son behind closed doors .. poor her !!!!

now , abt the conversation post .... well , wish every married person was given a training on how to behave with their single happy friends !

:P

manuscrypts said...

sparked a thought..am wondering why the mal language doesnt have a strong equivalent for the b**** term..

Anonymous said...

//manuscrypts//

you got b***s to put the question on a gals blog...praying for you ;-)

Jiby said...

lol...i just saw this post now!! thank god...i didnt miss it!

i used to actually be so inquisitive and ask my cousins and seniors abt their first night but everyone shakes their head in disappointment. i have lost that habit anyways now!!!

another fun read from u...u know what i wonder why guys never complain abt their married lives to others!!!

Enigma said...

u seem to have good frnds!1 my marrid frnds never tell me hwt happened?? i need to caox and plead for info!!!
tehy rae so shy (??) or rather they aahve nothing much to say!!.
i guess gusy are tht way better tahn girls. my guy frnds tell em about hwt they did with their girl friends or wives!!. yet i still lack enough info or inputs!!

Rays Of Sun said...

Another hilarious one:D

silverine said...

fleiger: Sandpails must be made compulsory in coffee houses :))

Vinodh: Thanky you, seems like a good idea ;)

Anand: Thank you :)

Deepa: Luckily just few buds married but lotsa married colleagues so I get an overdose of MILs too. And the MIL objecting to your pal kissing her hubby was just too much LOL

manuscrypt: Am wondering what those asterisks mean :p

Anon: You can stop praying now :))

Jiby: That's because guys have it cushy, it is the gals who do most of the work etc in majority of the homes besides putting up with the in laws , so it's obvious that they have something to complain.

ROS: Thanks dear, nice to see you here :)

Ankur said...

nice one... i guess people do need to spice up their lives once in a while

Lazith Aziz said...

dats funny!

But bet that gals enjoy evrything (including whatever you said here) with their own rulz!...dont you?

Ajeya said...

very enlightening post for us menfolk. one question, do unmarried women also share their knowledge and experiences in like manner?

Shakhi said...

One hell of a funny post! LOL!

Mind Curry said...

I would describe it as a cross between witnessing a gory accident and another gorier accident.
first the marriage and then the first night?

hilarious stuff..loved this one!

Fleiger said...

Probably you can use the ones CCD has (as fire-fighting tool) till we get the law passed through the assembly. ;) You know how much time that takes.

And as I said, single among couples - painful experience. Single friend present while other friends are discussing couple problems - painful for them/entertainment for him (I just don't understand what's the big deal about forgetting the "first time we met" anniversary.

silverine said...

Ankur: Guess so :)

lazith: Can't generalise here ;)

ajeya: No idea I have no unmarried knowledgeable friends...or maybe they are, but don't kiss and tell ;)

sakhi: Thanks dudette :)

MC: I was wondering if Scissy had finally finished you off :| Or were you in hiding? :p Thank you dear doc :)

fleiger: 'first time we met' is sacred period. So write it down or pay for a reminder service :))

Fleiger said...

Hmm... sacred period huh? Need to remember this, when time comes.

BTW, do you know what fun it is to tease your about to be married/commited friends while you are still single? It is great fun to watch the fights you have started from ringside... try it. Almost compensates for all the "gory" details forced upon us poor single-eagles.

anup.777 said...

"then you know who the newly wed bride is...."
*grins*

hehe ... another fun-read! ... :)

thanks 4 da smiles!

Rushes' Anomaly said...

Hahahaaaa ..

True, in the off-circles of women, its the married-women thing to scandlaize the singles and its the single one's thing, feign, "toba toba ... "

If it was for acrobatics/aerobatics, VLCC and others would have shut their shops :-)

Anoop G said...

!

interesting post -

yoga is not that difficult to learn!

but being a married decent man, i will not comment further...

silverine said...

fleiger: Agree it is fun to tease the soon to be married. Starting fights? Now you are giving me ideas ;)

Anup: Thanks buddy :)

rushes anomaly: Thank god for that i.e the info about VLCC closing down if all that was involved after marriage :))

anoop g: Thank you :) ( for but being a married decent man, and not commenting further)

Fleiger said...

You want ideas? I have so many. In fact, all my friends and their girlfriends are waiting for me to get "hooked up" so that they can pay me back... with interest.

Janus said...

simply haven't stopped laughing..everytime I feel bluesy, I stop by and read your blog ! I wish I could think the way you do !! Great stress buster . Would love to buy an autographed copy of your book :)

silverine said...

Fleiger: Same here dear and I tell them that they can burn in envy for another couple of years :))

Janus: Thank you :)

manuscrypts said...

lol..funny girl, next time, i shall spell it out..:)

silverine said...

Manuscrypts: :p

Anonymous said...

Ha ha! you go girl! amazing stuff... you are on my favs list..!! (wish blogs were no blocked where i work :( )

resh

silverine said...

@resh: Thank for dropping by and leaving a comment inspite of the block :)

niki yokota said...

ROFL!! ur a real good joke writer!! ^^
it was fun to read this post. thanks a lotttt!!

alex said...

Funnier than the latest one...lol..you sure do write well!

silverine said...

Niki: Welcome to my blog and thank you for the kind words :)

Alex: Thanks buddy :)

Ganja Turtle said...

90 comments and you are still going strong...not bad at all...

(Hint-Girls are bad narrators) - For the quantity of M&B that goes in, I would have thought otherwise...

"bad at acrobatics, aerobatics and complicated Yoga postures"
1. Arent we all ;-)
2. Thats what they all say!

spidey said...

c'mon, you don't know injinuity ? that poor sod was pining away for you in doha. he's now in delhi looting the nse. used to be unadulterated arrogance. ring any bells ?

raj neettiyath said...

No wonder why we say Girls and Boys are of OPPOSITE sex :-) [remember mallu comedy, when asked to mark their own sex, a mallu guy writes down 'very interested']

Vivek said...

:).. That's hilarious..

BTW, the link for this post in the 'most popular articles' section is not correct..

Vivek.

Destiny's child... said...

Totally agree with you on this one!
Girls ARE bad narrators when it comes to THIS.
:D

bangles said...

//This writer will not be responsible for the loss of your limbs, sex life and manhood//

AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! u are an awesome write, anjali! just couldn't stop laughing after reading some of ur posts! it made my day:))