Yesterday I picked up a nice T Shirt for my second brother with a caption in red and black embroidery in front. Shopping for him is easy; just pick up something in black and you are done. And since this “always well dressed” gentleman has never bought a single piece of clothing himself in his life and the onus of shopping for him rests with my mom and me, I was sure that a small change in his diet of black , black and more black, would do a world of good for all of us living with him.
Now, change must be handled gently and in small doses especially if it is my second brother. For example if you were to pick up a yellow T-shirt for him, be sure to see the subject go into fatal shock and recover just as quickly to screech in indignation till he is black and blue in the face.( this particular shade of blue is allowed).
On the other hand if you were to pick up a T-shirt with a teensy weensy microscopic bit of yellow somewhere on the T-Shirt like at the back, he would accept it because he cannot see it. You of course will call his friends and plead that they don’t make remarks like “macha what is that sunflower doing on your back” because that will make the said subject undress faster than Mallika Sharawath, beg borrow or steal a black shirt from somewhere and come home fuming to commit sistericide or mothericide, depending on who bought the T shirt.
Of course it doesn’t matter to His Royal Highness (henceforth referred to as HRH) that we battled hours of traffic jam and tiring browsing through umpteen shops to come up with a black shirt that doesn’t look like the 6545 ones he already has. (Unlike normal boy babies whose first words are ‘Harley Davidson’ my brother’s first words were ‘black’. Much to the relief of my parents his second words was ‘Harley Davidson’)
Anyways his HRH took one look at the T Shirt and screeched “Oh my God, it’s pink!!!!!” followed by exaggerated gagging noises which I ignored with practiced ease. I looked closely at the red thread…it was indeed red. I showed it to everyone in the house and everybody agreed that it was indeed red. But HRH refused to even look at the T Shirt. My mom gave me an exasperated look that said, “Why do you even bother!” and walked away muttering.
Now why do I bother dear fellow blogger’s? Because if I don’t, then this supremely fashion conscious being will go and buy clothes for himself!!! And that my dear peoples would be a catastrophe of enormous proportions. Last time he shopped for clothes, our phone lines were jammed with people calling us up exclaiming, “That guy in the blood red shirt is your brother/son no? I swear it is him!!! Oh my god he looks awful!!!! Why don’t you people do something!!! You can’t have him roaming the streets looking like that!!!”
So you see, we are well and truly stuck and he knows that. I resignedly took the T shirt back to the shop. But I was too late because exchanges were allowed only within 24 hours of sale. That is 800 bucks down the drain. And so peoples, in order to get my money back I am holding an auction. The item for auction is my brother MP. All eligible girls can take part in this auction. The said item though very stubborn is in good condition and once sold will be delivered bound and gagged by me and my mom to the gals’ house. After which it is your responsibility to see that he stays put. Any attempts by Subject to get back home will be futile because we would have shifted house by then.
Some features of the Subject on auction:
1. Extremely short sighted: You will have to hold up his shirt, Mobile, laptop etc in front of his eye at a comfortable viewing level in order for him to notice it. Failing which you will be accused of deliberately hiding aforementioned objects so that he is late to work.
2. Selective Deafness: Subject hears only what he wants to hear.
3. Selective Blindness: Subject sees only what he wants to see.
4. Food connoisseur: All meals should be freshly made and at no point of time should the menu be repeated unless specifically ordered by HRH.
5. Food = Meat
6. Subject doesn’t drink water unless prescribed by a doctor in a prescription pad and or under threat of IV transfusion.
7. Neighbors will throw trash bags inside his room since it looks like the municipal garbage dump. Clothes moved from the clothes heap in his room will be immediately noticed even if it has moved only an inch in the heap. GPS should be used to navigate Subject’s room. We shall not be held responsible if you lose your way and your remains are not found even after a couple of years.
8. Unless specified, that mud caked T shirt is not dirty and hence will not be put to wash.
9. On the other hand if that mud caked T Shirt is not clean when he needs it, then you better disappear till he cools down.
10. He will not lend shaving stuff for fear of AIDS but if he has forgotten to buy his own then he will generously borrow from the other two men in the family. You will have to sterilize the items and carefully put it back to avoid fratricide.
11. Socks will never be put for wash in pairs though he expects them to come back from wash in pairs.
12. Music will play full volume in his headphone and speakers and the surround sound system. You may shift into a temporary accommodation while the music is on.
13. Be prepared to have your perfumes used to clean his music system and shampoo to clean his shoes. Only the best will do for his beloved music system and shoes. Oh yes, make sure you buy the best towels money can buy for yourself. Subject likes to use the best for cleaning his bike. You can always wash it and reuse it. Don’t be so fussy!
14. Be prepared to see your cosmetic creams disappear alarmingly fast though Subject will rather die than admit that he borrows your Garnier Body Cocoon.
15. Subject is king of all he surveys and is too used to child labor in the form of a sister and bonded labor in the form of a mother. You will double in as both.
16. All the friends of the subjects are like him and live in the house with him. Their parents are either glad to get rid of them or don’t want them back. You will know why, very soon.
17. On weekends subject and friends will play lot of cricket and football and drink lot of beer. That does not mean you get a break. Who will carry the beer at pre ordained intervals at a specified temperature in a carefully calculated time period from the house to the adjacent ground so that it arrives at the right temperature at the ground?
18. Subject has umpteen female admirers so be prepared to have random girls smile at you and try and act extremely friendly. Don’t be under the mistaken impression that you are extremely popular or irresistibly cute.
19. Subject has friends’ allover town. So be prepared to get an SMS just as you are walking by KFC that says “I need two Zinger burgers, large fries and a coke and my clothes from the dry cleaner next door” and another SMS when you pass by Imperial “One full chicken kabab and 20 Kerala porottas and make it fast!!!”
20. If you are an unmarried gal in her mid twenties and have reached till this point then we consider this item “SOLD” to you. Please let us know where we should deliver. No protests allowed after sale.