Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Going once, going twice...hey where are you all going?

Yesterday I picked up a nice T Shirt for my second brother with a caption in red and black embroidery in front. Shopping for him is easy; just pick up something in black and you are done. And since this “always well dressed” gentleman has never bought a single piece of clothing himself in his life and the onus of shopping for him rests with my mom and me, I was sure that a small change in his diet of black , black and more black, would do a world of good for all of us living with him.

Now, change must be handled gently and in small doses especially if it is my second brother. For example if you were to pick up a yellow T-shirt for him, be sure to see the subject go into fatal shock and recover just as quickly to screech in indignation till he is black and blue in the face.( this particular shade of blue is allowed).

On the other hand if you were to pick up a T-shirt with a teensy weensy microscopic bit of yellow somewhere on the T-Shirt like at the back, he would accept it because he cannot see it. You of course will call his friends and plead that they don’t make remarks like “macha what is that sunflower doing on your back” because that will make the said subject undress faster than Mallika Sharawath, beg borrow or steal a black shirt from somewhere and come home fuming to commit sistericide or mothericide, depending on who bought the T shirt.

Of course it doesn’t matter to His Royal Highness (henceforth referred to as HRH) that we battled hours of traffic jam and tiring browsing through umpteen shops to come up with a black shirt that doesn’t look like the 6545 ones he already has. (Unlike normal boy babies whose first words are ‘Harley Davidson’ my brother’s first words were ‘black’. Much to the relief of my parents his second words was ‘Harley Davidson’)

Anyways his HRH took one look at the T Shirt and screeched “Oh my God, it’s pink!!!!!” followed by exaggerated gagging noises which I ignored with practiced ease. I looked closely at the red thread…it was indeed red. I showed it to everyone in the house and everybody agreed that it was indeed red. But HRH refused to even look at the T Shirt. My mom gave me an exasperated look that said, “Why do you even bother!” and walked away muttering.

Now why do I bother dear fellow blogger’s? Because if I don’t, then this supremely fashion conscious being will go and buy clothes for himself!!! And that my dear peoples would be a catastrophe of enormous proportions. Last time he shopped for clothes, our phone lines were jammed with people calling us up exclaiming, “That guy in the blood red shirt is your brother/son no? I swear it is him!!! Oh my god he looks awful!!!! Why don’t you people do something!!! You can’t have him roaming the streets looking like that!!!”

So you see, we are well and truly stuck and he knows that. I resignedly took the T shirt back to the shop. But I was too late because exchanges were allowed only within 24 hours of sale. That is 800 bucks down the drain. And so peoples, in order to get my money back I am holding an auction. The item for auction is my brother MP. All eligible girls can take part in this auction. The said item though very stubborn is in good condition and once sold will be delivered bound and gagged by me and my mom to the gals’ house. After which it is your responsibility to see that he stays put. Any attempts by Subject to get back home will be futile because we would have shifted house by then.

Some features of the Subject on auction:

1. Extremely short sighted: You will have to hold up his shirt, Mobile, laptop etc in front of his eye at a comfortable viewing level in order for him to notice it. Failing which you will be accused of deliberately hiding aforementioned objects so that he is late to work.
2. Selective Deafness: Subject hears only what he wants to hear.
3. Selective Blindness: Subject sees only what he wants to see.
4. Food connoisseur: All meals should be freshly made and at no point of time should the menu be repeated unless specifically ordered by HRH.
5. Food = Meat
6. Subject doesn’t drink water unless prescribed by a doctor in a prescription pad and or under threat of IV transfusion.
7. Neighbors will throw trash bags inside his room since it looks like the municipal garbage dump. Clothes moved from the clothes heap in his room will be immediately noticed even if it has moved only an inch in the heap. GPS should be used to navigate Subject’s room. We shall not be held responsible if you lose your way and your remains are not found even after a couple of years.
8. Unless specified, that mud caked T shirt is not dirty and hence will not be put to wash.
9. On the other hand if that mud caked T Shirt is not clean when he needs it, then you better disappear till he cools down.
10. He will not lend shaving stuff for fear of AIDS but if he has forgotten to buy his own then he will generously borrow from the other two men in the family. You will have to sterilize the items and carefully put it back to avoid fratricide.
11. Socks will never be put for wash in pairs though he expects them to come back from wash in pairs.
12. Music will play full volume in his headphone and speakers and the surround sound system. You may shift into a temporary accommodation while the music is on.
13. Be prepared to have your perfumes used to clean his music system and shampoo to clean his shoes. Only the best will do for his beloved music system and shoes. Oh yes, make sure you buy the best towels money can buy for yourself. Subject likes to use the best for cleaning his bike. You can always wash it and reuse it. Don’t be so fussy!
14. Be prepared to see your cosmetic creams disappear alarmingly fast though Subject will rather die than admit that he borrows your Garnier Body Cocoon.
15. Subject is king of all he surveys and is too used to child labor in the form of a sister and bonded labor in the form of a mother. You will double in as both.
16. All the friends of the subjects are like him and live in the house with him. Their parents are either glad to get rid of them or don’t want them back. You will know why, very soon.
17. On weekends subject and friends will play lot of cricket and football and drink lot of beer. That does not mean you get a break. Who will carry the beer at pre ordained intervals at a specified temperature in a carefully calculated time period from the house to the adjacent ground so that it arrives at the right temperature at the ground?
18. Subject has umpteen female admirers so be prepared to have random girls smile at you and try and act extremely friendly. Don’t be under the mistaken impression that you are extremely popular or irresistibly cute.
19. Subject has friends’ allover town. So be prepared to get an SMS just as you are walking by KFC that says “I need two Zinger burgers, large fries and a coke and my clothes from the dry cleaner next door” and another SMS when you pass by Imperial “One full chicken kabab and 20 Kerala porottas and make it fast!!!”
20. If you are an unmarried gal in her mid twenties and have reached till this point then we consider this item “SOLD” to you. Please let us know where we should deliver. No protests allowed after sale.

82 comments:

Puchu said...

I guess your bro does not know about your blogspot. If he does, I am sure this would be the last post on this blog. :)

Leon said...

That was funny.. :-).. I'm sure my sis will say almost the same thing about me.. with emphasis on the the 'selective deafness' and the 'selective blindness'... :D

prakash said...

SUPERRRR !! :))))

Oh the pains you took shopping for him...poor gal...usually its guys who jump at any opp to go shopping and gals with hands on their heads curse guys for the time they waste for shopping. One day HRH will start blogging and tell his story...that day will be PAYBACK . you've put him on sale this time cruella *another instance of extreme cruelty* :)

tangled said...

Subject sounds immensely interesting!
Of course, that might just be because our house is overrun by an infestation of females :D

Vivek said...

I've always wanted a sister i could bully around!.. unfortunately i got a younger brother and needless to say the one being bullied around is yours truly!...
your blogs are damn funny! keep up the good work!

Annam said...

real funny....

Kurur said...

Dont know why women crib perennially about well-mannered young men like your brother. As for the first eligible girl who comments, its a jackpot!!!

Fleiger said...

For one thing, you have made fun of the black shirts community. We will soon be sending an official protest letter, and maybe have a protest march in front of your house. Black shirts rule (and the fact that they go with almost any trousers saving time to find one does not hurt either)

For another, forgot what I wanted to say in my righteous anger. Will continue when I remember...

Rushes' Anomaly said...

hahhaha - is it so bad?? Has all matrimony columns shut their doors at the poor sister !!! Me was just imagining your plight if he gets a lady version of his holi-self!! God Bless U :-))

silverine said...

puchu: Y'day said subject announced to all and sundry that my next post was about him :p

leon: LOL

Prakash: My bro is supremely lazy when it comes to shopping :))And thankfully that applies to blogging too :P

tangled: Mine is infested with guys :)

vivek: Sometimes I think that is the function of younger sisters...to be bullied around :)

annam: Thank you :)

kurur: I can see a support group forming here :))

fleiger:LOL :))
You have got company. Lots of protest groups, morchas etc being planned by said Subjects friends all of whom wear black :))

rushes anomaly: Horrors, a lady version of himself? That day we will move out :))

Fleiger said...

Of course, as I said women will never understand the Black ;)
And I know what you mean by shopping. My clothes shopping is normally done by my parents and my sis. That is one more duty my wife will have to do. Of course, I don't throw out anything they buy, unless they get me something in pink or yellow, which hasn't happened yet.

TheDawg said...

HRH read this post ?

Aaah Black , Women will Never Undersand Black (TM) . Blac shirts/T shirts go with anything dude !!! And having the best things to clean your bike , beloved music system and shoes whats wrong with that ? I dont know why sisters are always eager to get rid of their brothers ;). I have two and if they blogged about me , i think the post would not be much different from yours ( except the cricket part. I hate cricket. ) And oh , i never let them do my clothes shopping. They might get something other than black and ruin the whole thing. :)

Brijesh said...

one of the greatest post I have read.

Hyde said...

I wonder what my sister would say about me...

Brijesh said...

u enabled comment moderation?

Jeseem said...

black t-shirt with red embriodery that looks like pink . so.. girlie. no wonder he ran away on seeing it. I am all support for HRH.
bechara, having to suffer wearing what is mom and sister buys

Serene Living said...

came in here purely by chance couple of days bak..read some of your blogs and been looking up since then as to when ur next post is coming up..extremely creative and splendidly humorous...keep up the work...gives us readers a cheerful start to the day...thanks ...

LI said...

Well, as guys we can empathise with your brother if the red resembled pink :) even remotely, since pink has very severe connatations in the guy lingo. But after reaing the features , will u be alive for the next post . RIP :D

Flyaway Mind said...

hehee..so the child labourer has grown up & is protesting..now thats a long 20 features..hope the prospective brides dont run away:))

Strider said...

nicely written!
enjoyed reading ths!!
did the Subject read this??

dr.asish said...

may b MP should sell u n buy himself a nice sister 4 a change. poor fellow has been suffering for so long!
n ya u just reminded me, need 2 buy another black tee!
BLACK RULES!!
:D

Basanti said...

Hehehe, I am 21 (almost) and read hte post in its totality! :D If my elder sis were to auction me, it will probably read like this only! haha!

naan said...

Funny.. and as many have said.. Black Rules !!

Scribbles said...

Unmarried gal...mid twenties,....yep yep..And yeah I read the whole mail...Qualification enuf???
Subject sounds dammm interesting...Gosh...Sweet dreams tonight :)

naveen said...

Superb thing... Can u pass me the blog ID of ur bro??I am more interested what will he write about u... Tht wld b interesting,rite??

mathew said...

ah..ur bro is absolutely well behaved..how dare you disgrace him!!!!!!!!!!! :-D

It is gonna be lots of beers to get presidential pardon from your bro!!!
Had a good laugh reading this...
"If you are an unmarried gal in her mid twenties and have reached till this point then we consider this item “SOLD” to you"

This one was the clincher..DOnt be surprised if he is going to go on a rampage at home..or indulge in violent emotional outburst..

I endorse this guy..mmph!!!!!!

I request a public apology from silverine!!!!!!!!!!!

Inder said...

your brother seems to be perfectly normal... :)

silverine said...

fleiger: True, I still cannot understand the penchant for black :)

the dawg: lol I never knew that most of you guys are the same cos my eldest bro is just the opposite :)

hyde: It would be interesting to hear :))

Brijesh: Thank you :) Comment moderation so that I can sieve out the unsocial elements :p

jeseem: Bechara is lazy thats why :p

serene living: Thank you :)

Lijo: He was the first to read and was mighty thrilled and rightly predicted that I wont get any support from any of the guys :))

flyaway: There were more features, but then I decided that a little bit of mystery element should be left for the future wifey :))

strider: Thank you :)

dr asish: LOL And where will he get to buy such a trained maid? :))

basanthi: So you are the same?!! :)

naan: 'black rules' is something I am learning very fast after this post :)

naveen:He doesn't have one ...thank god!!! :)

mathew: LOL you guys stick together dont' you? ;)

inder: Yeah, for guys I guess he is perfectly normal :)

Sanjay said...

Is the "subject" an Arsenal fan? If yes, please publish his co-ordinates (where-ever the poor chap is) so that I can drop by with a barrel of beer when I am in Blr. Sounds like I will feel right at home.

Please appraise the "subject" that the KFC's in Blr are much better than the one in Mumbai. This I am sure he will want to know. btw could you send me Zinger from the KFC at ITPL

Ganja Turtle said...

what is it about wimmen that they dont like black!? mystery of the universe...

I think subject is a stud...esp like the part abt using Rose for da meezik system.

"food=meat" lol! washed down with ample beer,i bet!

ah ha! yet another closet body coccoon user!

seriously wondering what he would write abt u!

Fleiger said...

Told you, black shirts go with almost all colored trousers, so your finding clothings time is reduced by half.
Secondly, black looks cool in almost all of the situations.
I can go on, but I guess you get all this from your bro ;)

Di said...

O my god!! I thought I had a tough time with a sister...U have my sympathies dear.....especially about the towels and the child labour!! *shudder shudder*:O

Di said...

and inspite of the symapthies.....i'll have to skip the auction..real sorry and all the best finding a suitable scapegoat...er... i mean...sis-in-law...

Perspective Inc. said...

LOL!!

Kusum Rohra said...

This is soooper. Er, now let me see, I love shopping, so what if I have to shop only black!

Considering my lovely voice, and my mind-blowing beauty, selective blindness and deafness will be the stepping stone to the success of my relationship!

Meat *shrugs* now we can make some compromises can't we? My only condition is I have access to all his bank accounts and credit cards.So is that ok?

iyer education said...

there is some unique chemistry between the guys and Garnier Body Cocoon... is it because of the semi nude lady in the advertisement?

vib said...

boy! it looks like you have described my brother here! he's into black too. in his words "black is not a a colour. Its a state of mind!" whatever that means!!

Sachin R K said...

Loved the title :)) The post had me almost nostalgic for a minute - reminding me of the old days in Chennai I used to stay with my friends.

And Silverine , if you happen to be passing by Palace Grounds, Staurday afternoon be a dear and drop in with a chilled bottle of beer. I prefer KF Strong :P

G said...

I don't see what the fuss is all about with black and black and then some more black. Come on, variety is the spice of life.

Come to think of it, there is nothing wrong in buying some of the New Black!

Eclipsed Thoughts said...

haha,,,, Subject seems to be a very interesting person... does he know about your blog???

Sisters take the pain and brothers just grumble... thank god i have a younger bro and believe me he is no better!!! Real PAIN.

SK said...

LOL !!!! eggjactly wat i wld have said abt my bro too.... can we auction them off together as a package deal... !! ;)

silverine said...

Sanjay: Subject is an "Arsenal" fan
( I checked before replying :P)

GT: Closet body cocoon user? You mean there are others? *horrors*

fleiger: Yeah we get a lot of gyan about black and how it can be used without washing for ages etc :))

Di: Awaiting the bakri err sis in law :))

perspective inc : :)

Kusum: That was a classic Kusum comment...his credit card numbers come as a part of the package deal :))

iyer education: Now thats a relief to know..I mean that it is the gal that attracts guy to Garnier body Cocoon :)

Vib: Looks like all guys are like this wonly :)

G: lol guess black rules!!!

eclipsed thoughts: So even younger bros are pains? Interesting :)

SK: you are on gurl..package deal it is!! :p

Sachin R K said...

Hmmmmm....gave my comment the cold shoulder did you? Watch your back, Silverine :P

Anonymous said...

very funny and creative...

Fleiger said...

Oh yes, forgot that advantage (though I wash my blacks with all other of my clothes).

Found any bidders yet? If yes, please tell me so that I know there is a chance for me ;)

That said, my other blog is missing your comments.

silverine said...

sachin rk: ooops a thousand apologies for having missed you out :) Now be a dear and forgive me ok? See I am replying to you exclusively wonly :p

Ah I wud love to get you that beer dear but Saturdays I lose my hot shot communication professional garb and become cook :( *sigh*
Life is not not party and shopping for a gal like me. err...do you have a sister? We can you do some match making, but she must know how to cook continental and Italian and should know how to shop for mens clothes and nag Said subject when it is time for a hair cut and shave.
Oh yes before I forget, she should wake said Subject up in time for work and the 5:30 am Cricket pratice on weekends.

:P

Anjaan said...

hahahahaa..
i Dont know wether to give you my condolences or congratulate you..
But someday you shud use this as a stand up routine! :)

Sachin R K said...

@Silverine - apology ( the 1000th one ) accepted - the earlier 999 are sitting in my trash can waiting for the garbage collector :P

Arti Honrao said...

=)) Mind blowing! [And poor bro or rather ... poor gal who gets ur bro]
When I read about the auction I had assumed that it would be the T-shirt! Thank God for two things ...
1. I did not put my best foot forward
2. My age ... 29 is a wee bit older for ur bro :p




GBU
Arti

Dreamcatcher said...

Brilliant, brilliant post.
I hope your brother reads this :)

VIDYA said...

lol

really nice post .....

:-) has hrh read it yet ?????

lash said...

if he said pink then it has to be so. I too am a brother to a sister who is equally defiant.

the last time she bought a tee for me, i had to get that Asian Paint's palette sheet to prove i was right.

i am not a sexist but girls dont give in quickly. especially when the issue is about color. dont know why!

TEM said...

Lady, you could give my sister some bad ideas. :|

Kusum Rohra said...

Er, I have been running to the door with unbearable nervousness in every 10 mins hoping you will deliver you bro anytime. I have been practising dancing to songs like Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy aaja aaja aaja and Guttar guttar!

You lied!! he is still not delivered!

Will you please send him ASAP!!

flaashgordon said...

oo good madame !!! At the same time i thank god, neither of my sisters has not got around to blogging or else my most intimate personal quirks wouldve been in public space!

btw as many people mentioned black is the best colour for a tshirt- it especially good in hiding a li'l beerbelly.

Thank god he is normal and hated the pink tshirt - else your auction would have resulted in some bids from a few black tshirt clad biker GUYS !! ;-))

pophabhi said...

Did the subject read this? If he reads this, then RIP - else more selling.
LOL! Hilarious stuff.
Meanwhile lemme go and check my cuz sisters who might be having blogs! I hate repititions.

silverine said...

Anon: Thank you :)

fleiger: No bidders yet, guess I did a bad job of selling :P

anjaan: Thank you dear :)

Sachin: How mean yet am thankful that at least one made the grade :p

Arti: Thank god you retracted your best foot backwards :P

dream catcher: Thank you :)

vidya: Thanks and he was the first to read it :))

lash: I am teling you it was red!!! :)

tem: he he make sure she doesn't read this then :))

kusum: *sob* you got disqualified in the 'not knowing to cook meat' department, you wud have made such a nice sis in law!!
:P

flash: Thank you sir!! The tee was black, the caption was in red thread :)

pophabhi: Yes he has read this :) I think I read a post about you somehwere :P

shruti said...

Hi Have not been able to keep in touch since have shifted job and was busy with interviews etc . I have moved to bangalore and joined GE money . Will be back to blogging soon and catch up with ur blogs

Kusum Rohra said...

I _demand_ a re-evaluation. I don't prefer eating meat, but me makes the best mutton curry possible!

*stamps her feet*

The Guy Who Sits at The Desk said...

Sounds familiar. My sister says the same thing.

Nariyal Chutney said...

Interesting . Me sure that this is the longest profile I have seen for a matrimonail advertisement. Any takers till now?

MC said...

you know..after reading all the things that you do for your bro, i am more interested in you..hihi..

this was super cool..was ROFLing..i think your bro and i have a lot in common..hmmm..

:)

dalda said...

wats wrong with ppl who wear black tee shirts. its the only colour that we recognise. u ladies can have the rest with pleasure. we wont complain. the problem here is, if we wear a shirt of any other colour, u ppl would pass it off as the same colour of a flower that u've seen at some point of ur life.

Jithu said...

brother thinking "why enemies if i have a sister like u.."

sister thinking "why mannenquins if i have a brother like u.."

peace :p, mere pun..

aqua said...

Hilarious one!!! Ur bro seems to be a perfect gentle man.. He is totally an asset to this world!

MC said...

i meant more interested if you were on auction

:)

White Forest said...

funny and informative too :P

EspritNoir said...

jeez, ur brother must have poured ink all over your best shoes, after reading this one:) really funny one again; wasnt checking blogs for a while coz i was busy at work, but this one was the perfect way to get back on track:) cheers, and have a merry xmas, and a happy new year

monu said...

silverline... E bay is a good choice :D

Bleddy Blogger said...

Mindblowing post...every time I come here, I keep wondering why I don't come here more often. Super post.

silverine said...

Shruti: Welcome to Bangalore :)

Kusum" *silverine hurries off for re-evaluation*
:p

the guy who sits at the desk: Just learnt that all guys are alike :)

nariyal chutney: No takers :(
:P

MC: I know, I know, good trained maids are hard to come by!! :p

dalda: That's coz we are such observant beings :)

Jithu: Peace! Nice to see you here :)

Acqua: Dont rub it in man!!! grrr
:))

MC: I know :)

white forest: Thank you :)

Monu: I heard someone got arrested for trying to sell a baby on Ebay! :)

Espritnoir: Ah! My post merit indicator (PMI) arriveth :) Wish you the same buddy!

bleddy blogger: Bleddy!! What a nice pen name!! Thanks buddy for the kind words :)

ശനിയന്‍ \OvO/ Shaniyan said...

Wish you a merry X'mas and a Happy NewYear!!

The Smiling Girl said...

Hehehehe.. it was awesome man... Too nice...

Anonymous said...

surprisingly , each of the characteristics of your bro suited me exactly ... Except the body cocoon part

madhuli said...

Hey Anjali, that's a hilarious post.

Anonymous said...

hhahahhahhahahhahahahhahahhah

the rain tree said...

ahem ahem....i think i will take him. when can I??
Dont tell me im late :(

Just started reading ur blog. its wonderfull. u helping me kill time when im lazy n determined not to work

ദില്‍ബാസുരന്‍ said...

oh no..

Now i wonder what my sis will be writing about me. I will forgive her if she does that. But if she ever say a word against THE HOLY BLACK T-SHIRT, it is sistericide. Plain and simple. :D

The Smokin' WDM2 said...

Whoops... hope my sis doesnt get any ideas on reading this... but she's too small muhahaha *whew*

silverine said...

the smoking WMD2: "but she's too small muhahaha *whew*
Sounds like the famous last words of my bro :|

:p

Anita :) said...

Hi Silverine... Acc to me..this is one of your best posts...the BEST i shud say...Love it!! I have read this more than once, obviously ;) Hilarious each time..!!!!

sue said...

Awesome post! Makes me laugh every time I read it!
Pity I didn't know about the auction earlier :(
And black!!! I just realized most of my t-shirts are black!! :) Long live Black t-shirts :)