Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Jingle bells and Wedding belles

Hola peoples, moi is back, safe and sound from Gerala and none the worse from the experience too. I am brimming with ideas peoples, to ditch my boss. After having attended half a dozen weddings and Engagements I have realized that the quickest way to make the mega bucks in Kerala, is getting into the "Sherwani" business. Everyone wears a Sherwani at a wedding. And everyone is getting married these days. In fact at one wedding I saw the entire cousin junta, some 25 of them wearing Sherwanis with the exact same design!! It was like an invasion of Sherwani clad aliens! Very unnerving I tell you!

Sherwani clad alien: Surrender all you saree, mundu, pant clad Earthlings!!!
His mom: Eda, you pant is falling down!
Sherwani clad alien: Ooops! I will be right back Earthlings.

Don’t judge us too harshly peoples. We are used to good ole’ mundu and pants. But we are trying and will get there soon…with our Sherwani pants intact! Mind you!

Dec 26th is the day the Wedding Season is declared officially open, by the Church. After that it mayhem! It's weddings and weddings everywhere!! The frenzy makes you wonder if the Vatican is going to ban weddings anytime soon!!

Pope (scratching his chin) : hmmm I have been thinking of banning marriages for some time now.
Aide: But your Holiness, that is going against the very grain of the Church's ideology!!
Pope: Shut up you bleddy phool and stop using such big words. It is making me $#@& dizzy!!

Weddings in my little town of Pala, has nothing to do with the bride and bridegroom. Difficult to believe, but as the Orbit White ad says "It is the true!!"

Ungle one: Kuriachcho! Are you coming for the wedding on the 26th afternoon?
Ungle two: Yes I am. Will I see you for the wedding on 26th evening?
Ungle: Absolutely!
Ungle three: And whose weddings are you talking about?
Ungle one (shrugging) : Who knows!
Ungle two: What a stupid question!
Ungle three: My bad.

Weddings are about get togethers and the bride and bridegroom are just a catalyst for the same. And these get togethers are very important social rituals for the older folks, quite like our alumni get togethers, though a trifle different. Only a wee bit different mind you!!!

Ungle one: Are you Chackochchan who failed thrice in 5th standard?
Chackochan:
Yes!
Ungle one:
Do you remember me?
Chackochan:
hmmm you look familiar!
Ungle one:
I failed in 4th standard twice remember?
Chackochan:
Aiyyo!! How can I ever forget you Thomma! *sob*
Thomman
: *bawl*

Yes peoples, these 1st standard and 4th standard failed/pass folks also have alumni get togethers during weddings and recall their academic days fondly. (how ever short they were)

Wedding season during this Christmas was very interesting. Our Church had this Christmas Fair organized by some private organizers this year. Lots of stalls, color, noise, hustle bustle and announcements over the loudspeakers at regular intervals. I could almost feel the energy of the Fest in the Church.

Priest: And do you Thomas take Ann to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Loudspeaker: Is your love life over before it begins. Take Dabur Vita X Gold for a youthful love life. Vita X Gold!!!! At stall number 6!
Bridegroom: err I do!
Priest: And do you Ann take Thomas to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Loudspeaker: Suffering from the Itch? Do you feel embarrassed to scratch yourself in public?!! Use Itch guard!!! At Stall number 11!!!
Bride: No!! I mean...Yes!
Priest: $#*&*@ Somebody shut that loudspeaker down while the mass is going on !!!!
Loudspeaker: Come to stall No 7 and enjoy the home made Halwa, Appams, Achchapams and Wine. Rush and get your goodies before they are gone!!
Kapiiyaru: We can’t Achcho, Remember they have paid for the whole day.

The wedding went at breakneck speed after that and quite a few people (mostly males) were seen inquiring from the Fair organizers the viability of setting up tent near their Church during Mass. I think I am going to buy some shares in this company. I see a bright future ahead for them.

p.s If giggling in Church was a punishable offense, then yours truly would be very dead by now…having been condemned to death by hanging by a Jury consisting of her mother alone! :(

After the wedding, everybody went…straight faced…well almost… for the Reception.

I cannot end this post without mentioning a very select group of people at weddings whom I love to bits. This is the Dad junta. Very different from the snoopy “Mom junta” and the "obnoxious vaayi nokkifying guy junta."

Let me define the ‘Dad junta’ for you..

They are usually damn proud of their daughters.

Dad 1: My daughter got a first class this year *hic*
Dad 2: Very good! What is she studying? *hic*
Dad 1: Lemme shee, I shink it is in a college *hic*


They are usually not too proud of their sons.

Dad 1: What is your son doing these days?
Dad 2: Don’t mention his $%#^#&# name in front of me!!!


They usually don’t know how many children they have.

Dad to another Dad: My children are quite good in studies!
His wife (sarcastically) : Really?! And how many do you have?
Dad: err umm 3?
Mom: Guess again.
Dad: 4?
Mom: Well…you have two with me.

The Dad junta will mostly be sleeping, or zoned out in Church.

Amma: Ketto! Mass is over. Time to go!
Dad: uh! Is it? I was merely saying a few prayers for the health of our kids you know!
Amma: So sweet. But the wedding mass is over and there is a funeral mass going on now.

( Disclaimer: Dad if you are reading this, then any resemblance to you in the last definition is purely coincidental and unintentional. Please don't disinherit me.)

p.s just got news that our Parish priest has banned any event at the Church ground during Mass timings. I think a State wide bundh is called for, to protest this Church high handedness!! Does anyone know where I can buy some red flags hmm ?

25 comments:

zahid said...

No comments yet!!! seems i won the gold !!! Yippee !!! silverine you can present me the medal in front of evrybody on stage in an auditorium you like !!!!

Rib-tickling Again !!! And lolz at dad junta !!

So sad they are not proud of their sons !!! here it goes !!!

Dad 1: whatz ur son doing?
Dad 2: My daughter is now doing.......
Dad 1: Achha !! but you had a son?
Dad 2: I have another daughter also , she is presently....
Dad 1: Good !! good !! what about the boy?
Dad 2: I'll introduce you to my daughters !!!
Dad 1: I remember yu had a male daughter too !!!
Dad 2: Ahem...err yes !!!

Poor sons !!!

silverine said...

Zahid: Congratulations!! The gold is yours. And that description was hilarious!! :))

hope and love said...

ha..! ha..! ha..!
fantastic..!!
one of ur best posts.. loved each and every line..
:))

sumod_talking said...

obnoxious vaayi nokkifying guy" junta’... sounds like someone just id'ed me :)

LOL hillarious post... absolutely correct on all counts... any occasion to get together and backbite thatz the mallu spirit *hic*

Alameen said...

Don't know y.. But your post reminded me about the below jayan comedy..

Dad: He is my son..
Mom: No No.. he is my son...
Jayan: dont make noise.. Let's compromise.. I am my son...

obnoxious vaayi nokkifying guys?? Too good..

Cheers
AlAmeen

philip said...

and yeah u are absolutely back with a bang...loved the chackochan -thomma sequence..kickass..

so how many chicken biriyanis and mutton biriyanis were consumed with ruthless precision..;-P

reminds me of my cousin's wedding..the half asleep priest says:-

"do you Bobby take Anju to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

and then

"do you Anju take Bobby to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

I still go ROTFL when I see their wedding video.and how hard they tried not to laugh at it during the weddin..

P.S.loved the title..good one..

Freespirit said...

That was one hillarious post :).

Pala happens to be my hometown too and a mention of the place gets back to me the memories of attending numerous "cousin's wedding"(s) every time I was there for a vacation. It was fun trying to figure out if the bride/bridegroom in question was my 1st/2nd/3rd...nth cousin. When my dad told me he had 101 cousins, i thought it was his attempt at being poetic through 'hyberbole', only to realize soon enuf that he was not kidding me. There was a point in time when i believed that the whole of Pala was family :). I can so relate to the funda of not even having a clue about the bride/groom whose celebration u r being a part of! As kids, we could be pardoned, but when the adults followed suit, it calls for a good laugh!

ToOothlEss WOndeR! said...

LOL girl you know smethin?
Youre the best ! :)
Thank you for keeping me alive through numerous Mondays last year.
And here's wishing you and yours nothing less than the best this new year.
P.S: Tell M that I made a martini for women - I call it "the indecent proposal" and that is the new year special. ;)

ദീപു : sandeep said...

New year and a damn good post !!!!!!!!!

Happy new year.

moonlight said...

That's a lovely post as usual....happy new year to you silverine...and keep up the good work...

Crime Master said...

//Yes peoples, these 1st standard and 4th standard failed/pass folks also have alumni get togethers during weddings and recall their academic days fondly.

Funniest line! LOL!

fundoome said...

ROFTL.......i am sure i would die laughing before i am condemned to death :D

fundoome said...

btw Happy New Year and a good post to start new year with :-)

Amey said...

Errr... given that the Parish priest has banned any event at the Church ground during Mass timings, what happened to your investment?

I know what you meant by marriage season. In Maharashtra, there are 2-3 marriage-special months, when sometimes you can make do without cooking for a week at home ;)

Alexis said...

Kamal kar diya....Kalaki...
Really hilarious post... and I wouldn't you were exaggerating :-)
Happy New Year...

Loup said...

Extremely hilarious post, theres a lot to be said for the achan-kappiyar relationship :)

Happy New Year btw.

-Loup

silverine said...

Hope and love: Thank you dear doc :)

Sumod talking: Thank you :)

Al Ameen: Jayan and comedy????

Philip: Thank you :) Reg the biriyanis...lets just say there is a critical shortage of Chicken and Goats in Kerala right now :p And
why don't priests makes such faux pas when I am around? hmmph! That was hilarious btw. Generated much mirth in my house.

freespirit: Thank you:) The bride and groom will be standing legs aching, jaws paining while all around them people will be busy
eating and yakking. Our weddings are the noisiest!! :))

TW: Thank you!! And 'Indecent Proposal" sounds good ;)

sandeep: Thank you and wish you the same :)

moonlight: Thank you dear :)

crime master: Thank you :) I got such a scare when I saw your profile pic lol!! Jembed right out of my skin!

fundoome: Same to same here :p

Amey: Well I was planning on buying...but my get rich quick hopes are now dashed :( Reg not cooking for a week, I so know what you are talking about :p

Alexis: Thank you!! :)

loup: Thanks buddy :)

quills said...

OMG!! I nearly died laughing. :)) Too good silverine.

Did you know that bridegrooms in Kerala are not only going the sherwani way but some of them now insist on a horse or camel as the mode of transport? :| Fortunately, I heard some sensible Mallus put an immediate stop to the plan before it was put into action. :)

BTW, Happy New Year to you! :)

silverine said...

Quills: Hola girl! Nice to see you :) he he our people I tell you! They are the pits and the best at times :)

And that is the best news I have heard this New Year!! Thank god for sensible people. Horses and Camel? Horrors!

Happy New Year to you too :)

CarbonMonoxide said...

HIHI the trip back to ye olde place was real good eh ? I can see that in the humor bubbling over all over the post.

Thanks for making an otherwie dul and uneventful day into a riot of laughter ( which occurred right after i fwded this to my colleagues :D about ten minutes ago)

La vida Loca said...

Lol all thru'

malaika said...

Girl,

You are really good..Awesome post about the great christian weddings.. But its kinda fun though

Neena Padayatty said...

simply hilarious...
Was reminded of the youth fest we conducted on the grounds of our parish church..we had the Hindustan Latex as one of the sponsors...we had to wait till the vicar's siesta to tie up the banner and get a snap of it as proof!Thankfully we didnt have them announcing at Mass times!

maxdavinci said...

fantastic read...

I guess the sherwani's are attributed to the Gelf culture of the mallu land

M@mma Mi@ said...

oh...i think u forgot about another type of dad junta...those of who "disapper" from the church in the middle of the mass and comes back before the mass is ended.They could be find in the nearest bar ...