Saturday, November 11, 2006

Taming the shrews

Weekends are glorious periods of inactivity for me. I don’t even exercise my vocal cords these two days. One blink of an eye means "Yes" two means “No”. When my Mom asks "so you will be spending the day in bed reading?" I blink once and when she asks "would you please clean your room?" I will blink twice to indicate a "No" and when she asks "are you going to feed the dogs or shall I send them to the SPCA?" I flutter my eyelashes several times in alarm, jump out of the bed in a trice with a "noooooooooo" and rush out to feed them. (There are some exceptions in life you see) You do not want your darling doggies to be given to the SPCA who will place them with some strange family who will love them and feed them on time do you? ( They will miss me so much *snifff*)

This Saturday, besides the usual casual threats, which I ignore if it doesn’t have anything to do with my doggies like "I will burn down your cupboard if you don’t rearrange it" etc. she said something that made me widen my eyes in alarm and gasp in horror like those heroines in Ramsey Brother movies when they see the awful make up of the ghost. Apparently my aunt was leaving her 13 year old teenager, Miss Deepa Ann Varghese (DAV) with us for the day. Now...Miss DAV and me are as fond of each other as my doggie Brandy and the neighbor’s cat. (and that is a lot of hate believe me.)

I will not get into the history behind the saga of mutual loathing and pure hatred between Miss DAV and me, but after my last encounter with her I have been praying very fervently and earnestly and sincerely to God that by the time I marry and have a daughter and she grows up to be a teenager, they would have invented a device that would enable parents to fast forward their child’s development, skipping a few years here and there. And no prizes for guessing which would be the years I would be skipping. (And thank you God that my mom didn’t have such a device, I owe you one).

Today, I also developed a newfound respect for my aunt, the mother of this abomination err…child who has remained sane all these years while I went batty in the few hours that I chaperoned her daughter. Anyways folks, the good news is that I survived the day….mainly due to some quick thinking ….several muffled expletives besides helluva lot of slow counting from 1 to 20,000. Today I also discovered that I have sadistic tendencies …more of that later... *evil mirthless grin*

In the morning, my second brother suddenly developed an acute condition called "Cricket practice" and walked out of the house rather he dived out of the window and pole vaulted across the compound wall and was gone before I could say "nandrolone" but not before throwing a triumphant grin in my direction. While I was wondering what that was all about, my mom dropped the bombshell. Apparently Miss DAV and her friends had to go the Mall urgently for some important shopping, like checking out the free make up and perfumes and giggling hysterically and shoving each other when they saw guys and since my brother had Cricket practice, I had to drop and pick them up. I shall not enunciate the epithets that flew fluently from my mouth towards my brothers retreating back (because I know only three).

By 9:30 am, Miss DAV was ready. By ready I mean, she looked like somebody had blackened her eyes (black eye shadows), bloodied her lips (blood red lipstick) and yanked her hair out (latest electro static cut). I looked at her and realized that if it hadn’t been for the big mole on her right hand there would be no way I could identify her as Miss DAV. As she waited for me to reverse the car out of the garage I could hear her talking to a similarly attired friend at the other end of the phone.

You should see her cosmetic collection, bleah!
and
OMG she uses a comb *snigger*”
and
She actually wears her pants around her waist *sneer*
etc.

Ignoring her and the strong urge to run the car over her again and again till the insolent smirk was wiped into the driveway I drove out of the house. The better part of the morning was spent trying to find "the house near the florist on Ring Road" and "the red brick house with a dent on the gate on Residency Road" and "the bakery next to Johnson Market because I am thirsty and need a Coke." In short, Miss DAV didn’t have any addresses. I clenched the steering wheel a little too tightly as I saw my precious Saturday vanish in a puff of Lakme Matt Silk Face Powder that Miss DAV was dabbing on her nose from time to time. Luckily she had the phone numbers and so I talked to the various Mrs Josephs, Mrs Gowda’s, a Mrs D’souza’s and a Miss Jenny (a Dad’s secretary) and got to the houses and picked up the little misses.

I looked at them in the rear view mirror. They all looked like battered victims of domestic violence with black and blue and red faces. They were in turn looking at me like I was a beggar with sores. Soon there was a lot of nudging and giggling and "keep quite, she will hear" and "look at her clothes" etc in the backseat and that is when the sadistic tendencies in me first raised its delightful head. I looked at them and felt a strange urge to drag them to the municipal water tap, wash their make up and then drop them off makeupless at the Mall ( do I hear gasps of pure delight from parents?…Didn’t I tell you I found the hidden sadist in me?).

The thought was so sadistically satisfying that I didn’t realize that I had an evil grin on my face. The girls were looking at me rolling their eyes and I had that good ol feeling of sadism rising within me again. This time I wanted to take a bottle of coconut oil and smear their hair with oil and then leave them in the Mall (Do I hear applause? Parents I told you stick around and you will learn more).

Then one of them spotted my ‘old fashioned’ Estelle bracelet and nudged the others and they collapsed giggling. By this time I had had enough and something snapped within me. You seen those horror movies when the gal sits in the car and suddenly the car doors get locked and then the camera moves away from the car and you hear blood curdling screams and then deathly silence? *heh heh*

I closed the SUV doors with the central locking system and searched in the glove compartment and found what I was looking for. Something that could inflict pain of the worst kind that would have the victim begging for death. Something the driver kept in the glove compartment in case of emergencies. I put the CD player on to drown out the screams of my to-be victims and then inserted the CD. Then I put the music on in full volume and watched the smug expressions turn to uneasiness, alarm and then pure horror, as Himesh Reshamiyya belted out “oooo huzoor tera tera tera suroooooor!!!!” Their screams were drowned out in the sheer nasal croon. I played Aapka Suroor Volume One through to Volume Two while the car crawled at 40 kmph. There was no escape…the car doors were locked.

45 minutes later, I dumped their lifeless bodies in front of the Mall.

In the evening when I went to pick them up, they were very very quiet and well behaved and the return journey was peaceful with a lot of respect shown towards the 'geriatric' driver. Just the way I like teenagers to be. *muahAHAHAHAHA*

63 comments:

G said...

Heh heh Silv, I quite enjoyed that.

While I will agree that Himesh Wossname blaring on the speakers in a moving vehicle with locked doors is a fate worse than death, I would still have tortured them further with some pure 80's kitsch. Can you imagine the horror of Whitney Houston, The Pet Shop Boys and Rick Astley would cause, turning these kids into zombies?

I love the sound of that!

silverine said...

G: lol...I love Pet Shop Boys and Whitney Houston but unfortunately I didn't realise that I would need them or else the torture would have been worse :p

kickassso said...

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIRD POST :-D

Fleiger said...

Oh my god. When you said you had hidden sadistic desires, I didn't think of this. You would have been the star of Inquisition, ma'm, and that's saying something.

Not even teenagers merit that treatment ;)

kickassso said...

lol, i just read the post

I used to wonder why God created Him ... now I know why ;-)

Anonymous said...

Great on silver...hhehehheh
Teenagers... whooo... I can stand em too..
-Vaish

LI said...

LOL. First Time somebody made true use of a Himesh Reshamayya Number :) .

Sreejith said...

Pure genius! That was a masterstroke.

Alexis said...

Awesome. You have captured the mood quite brilliantly. I was ROFL all the way. Thank God, I have not had any such close encounters.

And the your revenge was a brilliantly executed one. Using your favorite singer to torture your enemies. I hope you had a great time ;-)

Dev said...

Oh my god... horrors!!! Those poor girls. I'm surprised they havent arrested you yet. This type of torture was outlawed by the Antwerp summit conference way back in 1969.

I quote Section 61.7, Amendment 4: "Thou shalt not subject, to a carload of giggling teeny boppers, the nasal tones of a cap-wearing dipsomaniac with the initials HR"

Wait 'til I report u! *hmph*

quills said...

Hahaha...girl!! You are hilarious!! You should write a book...plssss!! :)

Asterix said...

:) Soccer 'mom' personified!

Serves those !@#$@^ing teenagers right though!

mathew said...

Lol !!..goodness am reading this at home..paavam DAV..they might have never guessed the calm before the storm!!

"45 minutes later I dumped their lifeless bodies in front of the Mall."

that was classic silver..

Do they send flowers home for you..just to make peace!! ..:-P

Pratish Menon said...

If you have a half decent sub-woofer in your SUV, use 'Paradigm Shift' by Liquid Tension Experiment to numb the opposition :)

Nice read.

silverine said...

kickasso: Another HR hater I see :p

fleiger: Inquisition? Wow Thanks for that really nice compliment :))

Vaish: Thank you, they are obnoxious aren't they? :)

Li: :))

sreejith: Thank you!! :)

alexis: Thank you. I had a whale of a time :))

dev: rofl... :)) That was so funny!!

quills: Thanks dear...I will try :)

Asterix:"Serves those !@#$@^ing teenagers right though!"
I know the feeling!!! :p

mathew: lol they were caught on the back foot alright!!! No flowers...but I think they learnt a lesson :p

Pratish: Yeah, the subwoofers were used alright..this is bros car afterall :p And if there is a next time it will be 'Paradigm Shift' by Liquid Tension Experiment!!

tharunya said...

Fabulous, fabulous post. Laugh out loud funny. Thank you for a bright start to my Sunday.

Dang, am I glad my personal teenager is a sensible girl more likely to advise me about the things I should be wearing, saying, and doing and the people I should be talking to; than I am to advise her.
Hey, wait...

Janus said...

heh heh..innovative revenge solutions (inc)- your new startup ??!!

The icing on the cake would be when you could somehow contrive to send them to HR's "true love story" movie - Aaaappppp kaaaa Surrooooorrr...

I guess you have company in the sadism department ! :D

KD said...

you could do some serious damage to theworld if you put your mind to it..:D poor kids..:(

spidey said...

this incident needs to be included in the 'hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy' as a case study on how to suppress alien invasions. MIB, please take note.

Jeseem said...

u are Cruel ;)

so u don't count urself in the new 'Internet Generetion'
misss... getting old :-P

Anonymous said...

:)
Check out the new kerala feeds!
http://www.onkerala.com/kerala_feeds/

Mind Curry said...

DAV for Dreadful Armored Vehicle..and you in an SUV..funny..i am imagining something like a need for speed game..

but how dare they make fun of you! baddddd...next time roll down all the four windows and go at 100 kmph so that their heads get straightened along with their hair!

ok now let me answer the quiz questions:

"the house near the florist on Ring Road"
pass..

"the red brick house with a dent on the gate on Residency Road"
melanie's house?

"the bakery next to Johnson Market because I am thirsty and need a Coke"
mmm..fathima's?

(because I know only three)
pass..

I played Aapka Suroor Volume One through to Volume Two while the car crawled at 40 kmph.
you had ear plugs?

clap clap clap...that was a great sunday read..real treat!

Fleiger said...

Of course... I mean, locking the doors from inside, full volume HR, that's worse than Iron Maiden

They would have never known what hit them (or at least, would not remember it later). I don't think they would ever try to make fun of your make-up or anything.

silverine said...

Tharunya: Thank you :)

Janus: The more the merrier :p

Nitin: You are supposed to be on my side!!! :(
:)

spidey: :)

Jessem: Internet gen is old hat dear, this is the nu generation that wears their pants below their butts :p

Anon: Will check out!

mind curry: Thank you doc, you got many of the answers correct :) Yeah, no one messes with me :p

fleiger: lol no bloog shed please, I like to keep it as non messy as possible... :))

Strider said...

Man I saw that Himesh one coming!!!

Hilarious!
Wish I had read this on monday morning!

Fleiger said...

Of course, internal hemorrhaging does not matter ;)

Sachin R K said...

You outdo yourself every time . May their ( DAV and friends ) not-so-innocent souls RIP.

Brijesh said...

"They all looked like battered victims of domestic violence with black and blue and red faces. "

Great way of telling how ugly they look. Few girls believe putting some makeup will make them look good.

I enjoyed this one. Waiting for more like this from you.

Jim said...

Next time, you can play Yatta!

Of course, there's the distinct possibility of driving yourself mad after this...

b v n said...

Wonderful ! that was classic Silverine :)),smooth killer huh :)

Eclipsed Thoughts said...

U not only have a good sense of humor.... bit of a very *evil intentions* good brain too...

i would have died by the time i reached the mall.... Himesh Re..... (okay, sorry, i dunno his spelling).

silverine said...

strider: Thank you :)

fleiger: of course :p

sachin: Rest in pieces most likely :)) Dropped by your blog liked your posts!

brijesh: lol kids these days lather themselves with so much make up :))

jim: I will def go mad after that lol

bvn: Yeah, and no bloodshed too ;)

eclipsed thoughts: Still having problem with beta? Evil begets evil, now who said that? :))

Jagan said...

May be you sud have considered giving 100 bucks to MS DAV and asking her to take an auto ride to the mall..cud have saved u (and her) from the troubles ..but yeah , may be then u cudnt hav put this post ..

Nitin Anthraper said...

yep! As someone mentioned,you are addictive. Awesome post!

N A

P.S am your brothers batchmate too.

Arthur Quiller Couch said...

Psycho. You probably pull the wings off flies too!

silverine said...

Jagan: I hope you were sober when you made the comment. Sending a 13 year old alone or with other gals her age in an auto unescorted is the most foolish thing you can do!

Nitin: Thanks, nice to see you here :)

AQC: :p

Fleiger said...

Is that a general principle or only because they were in your car?

And what happened at the mall where you left all those braindead zombies?

Inder said...

i should say that the girls are really brave, to allow you to drive them back from the mall :P :P

Sanjay said...

Ahhhh!! I feel like a Klingon stuck in the middle of a Romulan conference and that too with my cloaking tech malfunctioning.

Shooo Shoooooo... (Do you think we have been able to scare them away??)

If I remember correctly you like me are a die-hard Himmy fan. For your ref m'lady I present the evidence:

http://poomanam.blogspot.com/2006/06/coming-out-of-closet.html

It might interest you to know that HR is likely to come up with his 456th Album real soon. Am planning to camp outside the music shop. Bombay will also probably win the race to lauch the worlds 1st Himmy only FM channel. You wont need the CD to pass on your good taste to the new generation once Blr gets a taste of that!!

Now that we know who the haters and baiters are do we start knocking them off?

pophabhi said...

You chaplini! That was wonderful. Capital Punishment in the form of your best singer. Those 'internal violence victims' concept was nothing short of 'terrific'. :)
Its exactly the same feeling we used to get when we see those heavily makeup clad girls in the malls. Pathetic! :D. You gave the right dosage, ma'm!

Binoy said...

I will think twice next time when you offer me a lift... seriously, Himesh? Aap ks suroor? I almost beat my room mate to death when he played the Himesh Hits DVD. (There was a lot of noise, my neighbours called 911 and when the cops saw the DVD, they joined me to bash the guy into pulp and burnt the DVD.)

I always get company while I "look after" teenagers. Me and my friend talk about (mostly) how communism was wrongly depicted in "Animal Farm", the various social scenarios in contemporary literature and so on...

But we stop before the kids try to jump off a twent storied building or try to hang themselves or run to the store to buy poison.

silverine said...

Fleiger: I think the brain dead zombies resurrected their brain cells with a heavy dose of phlegminem and daddy yankee :))

inder: They had no choice :p

Sanjay: Hail Himesh!!! I am joining you in that camp outside the music store :p

pophabhi: High five!! :)) I know what you mean by heavily made up gals :p

Binoy: lol Man...I got to learn a thing or two from you about 'baby sitting' teenagers!

Jagan said...

oh..when u said teenager , i assumed she is 17-19 years old ..13 didnt come to my mind ..my mistakku ..

Di said...

he he..my friend always said himesh had magic in his voice...and it actually turned out to be true!! :O LOL

Niti Bhan said...

"the bakery next to Johnson Market because I am thirsty and need a Coke"

don't tell me, FATIMA's BAkery????? I used to go there every evening to buy bread, when we lived at St. Michael's Church Rd End [yes the end is the part of the name as it ends in graveyard]

Jiby said...

a bunch of gals in a car is trouble...and if they are teenagers...my commiserations! shud know coz of having to pick up my sis and her friends from school, tuitions, what not...but himesh...man why didnt he come on the scene 7-8 years back!

hilarious post...i cant stop laughing here...one of your best!

anup.777 said...

thank u ... thank u ... thank u ... i really needed these laughs .... :)

flaashgordon said...

Guess all the adjectives have been used up already, but this one was really classic.. Drama, sarcasm and humour in the right dose wth the perfect silverine touch! Could really visualize DAV's gang after the Himesh assault..

I had my worst encounter with Himesh a month ago when i was rushing to catch a flight ; from gurgaon to delhi airport thru the crawling evening traffic and the taxi driver only had 2 cassettes of pure Himesh torture. I experienced hell sitting there - sitting there sweating with a heavy suitcase in lap..The driver said he hadnt slept for two days'; Himesh was the only way he could be awake!!

silverine said...

Jagan: No probs!

Di: lol :))

Niti: It is Fatimas :)

Jiby: Thanks!!! Nice to see you :)

Anup: Anything for you buddy :)

flaashgordon: "The driver said he hadnt slept for two days'; Himesh was the only way he could be awake!!"
Hilarious!!!! =))

abhishek said...

Oh this is a new side to you I would never have imagined. Remind me to stay in your good graces :) I pity the fool who invites your scorn.

hope and love said...

LOL..!!
loved the post.. its so funny..
:))
i was reading jilly coopers 'pandora' this week for the second time . i am delighted to say that i noticed that ur style of writing has many similarities with hers..
*hugs*
write a book fast my adorable girl..
:))

1.618 said...

Hidden sadistic desires - I expected more than Himesh like rammin' your car to a pole or driving like crazy... But good to know that he did the job! ;)

Jithu said...

i read this from office, bt cudnt comment due to the block there :-(. one of the best pieces u've written off late.. i hope ur cousines havent lost their inclination towards all the worldly things.

u knw wt, i hv yet to hear a himesh reshammiyya song.. hv seen i hate himesh reshammiya communities at different places..

hillgrandmom said...

your sense of humour is terrific.

silverine said...

abhishek: he he I am not that bad, but make fun of a gals clothes and you invoke the devil :p

HnL: Thank you dear doc :)

1.618: Ramming my bros car would have invoked the sadist in him :P Besides it is so gauche, I prefer more refined methods of torture ;)

Jithu: Thanks so much buddy, nice to see you here :) I actually love HR but the teens dont and hence.... :p

hillgrandmom: Thank you :)

Isha Reddy said...

u'll like me im only a teenager for another year or so ;) :P

The Guy Who Sits at The Desk said...

Himesh Reshamayya. That must have been really really painful.

Amarula said...

loved reading this piece. Wicked you silverine. I have almost similar cousins.. and i just do not mind them making fun of me... in fact i find it entertaining ;)

Frank said...

very funny reading this one. well written too.

The Smokin' WDM2 said...

Delightful! realisation of one's sadistic tendencies is a real treat :)

Dunno how you endured that pig screaming over the audio system, though...

Indian Home Maker said...

How could you!

prashant said...

this was amazingly hilarious post...

Grayquill said...

One of the funniest post I have ever read. I thought if only you could have had some Virginian Blue Grass music I am sure the girls would have bailed.