Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Connecting the dots

Soo Kim, my Korean colleague was distraught. Her visa papers were misplaced. She remembered giving it to someone in the office, but couldn’t remember her name. Distraught she approached me for help, after ascertaining that I looked equally bad in English as her. I did not disappoint her.

Yes, An Jalee
My hmmm visa paper hmmm cannot find, yes cannot find.
Cant find? Bad, very bad
Yes, yes!
Where did you keep it?
Where, you put? *gesturing into my bag*
No, no, no bag. Lady!
Great! We have approx 200 ladies here.
Yes, Yes, Yes!

I called all the ladies on my floor, told them the reason for the meeting and asked Soo Kim to identify the person. Soo Kim, looked around and shrugged her shoulders. A clever colleague we call "Einsteina, asked Soo “What lady wear?" pointing to her clothes.

Soo Kim thought for a minute and said "big mole". Crap, I thought, what if the mole was someplace where looking for it could land me into a sexual harassment case with the HR!

"Where?' asked Einsteina, pointing to her hand and face. Soo Kim pointed to the forehead. It was obvious she was referring to a bindi or pottu.

What color?" someone asked.

"Red" came the reply.

All heads turned to Ms Blah Blah, who wears saucer sized red bindi’s. She wasn’t wearing one we noticed. We groaned at the thought of identifying the person all over again when Ms Blah Blah spoke up “Oh! This is the lady who gave me the papers today morning! How do I know she is the same Korean. They all look alike!!"

After restoring the papers to the rightful owner, we got together and bought a pack of bindi’s that we stuck on Ms Blah Blah's forehead with super strong glue so that it doesn't fall off again. She suffers from oily forehead you see.

We get frequent complaints from her that it doesn’t come off even when washed with the strongest detergent. But what the heck, till Soo is here, we are going to make sure, it stays. Every landmark is important to foreign tourists and we at Dot Bust Corporation ensure that our foreign colleagues are well taken care off.

In the meantime does anyone know of an industrial solvent that will remove really strong glue off delicate material like err skin?

Monday, September 06, 2010

Personality developers

Human beings are people and like most people they shape their personality from traits inherited from their parents, environment and the substances they snort or parents snorted. Any geneticists, sociologists or anthropologists will tell you that. But to hell with geneticists, sociologists and anthropologists. It is the Astrologers, the highly knowledgeable community of people with their highly complex and scientific study of human nature called Zodiac Signs that dictate what we are and what we will be.

Here is an example of what Zodiac predictions have done to the people over the years.

Aries: Arians are normal people who believe that they are creative, adaptive, and insightful and the life of the party, (even if they have never attended a party) because it is written in their Zodiac description. They also believe they have excellent sense of humor thanks to the Astrologers who have drawn up the Arian character map. Most failed stand up comedians and known PJ'ists are rumored to be Arians. Also most party crashers are Arians who cannot understand why despite Astrological proof they are often not invited for parties.

Taurus: Taureans are people who are born between April 20th and May 20th. This is another group of people who reject evolutionary theories and believe in their Zodiac sign that says that they are like the animal that represents them. They are all about strength, stamina and will. Stubborn by nature, also a loving, sympathetic and appreciative sign. This makes them very confused and the result is that most loving husbands turned wife beaters are Taureans.

Gemini: Geminians believe that they are flexible, balanced and adaptable. They believe they can turn from hot to cold and may be prone to noticeable mood swings but have tendencies of being affectionate, and imaginative. Most serial killers were normal people till they read that they were a Gemini.

Cancer: I belong to this group. Period. I am NOT a traditionalist, and DO NOT enjoy operating on a fundamental level. I HATE history and am not fascinated with the beginnings of things (heraldry, ancestry, etc.). The moon is NOT my ruler; therefore I am NOT a bit of a contradiction and sometimes moody. I am NOT conservative, which makes me hide my moods from others altogether. I do NOT have a reputation for being fickle. However I do HATE astrologers who tell me who I am hmmpph!

Virgo: Another set of cruelly wronged people who are pleasantly surprised to hear that they have keen minds, and are delightful to talk with, often convincing others of outlandish tales with ease and charm. And that they are inquisitive and are very skilled at drawing information from people. They do not protest to this generalization because they are taken in by this outlandish description.

Libra: Libran's believe that they are about balance, justice, equanimity and stability. According to the Zodiac they can be quiet and shy if not persuaded to come out of their shell. In spite of their introverted nature they make excellent debaters, often proving a point from out of seemingly nowhere. Most alcoholics are Librans. Their alcoholic ramblings are an excellent example of their debating nature.

Scorpio: These are people born between October 23rd and November 21st. They are born pretty normal. But Astrology ruins them. They believe they are Scorpions who according to Astrologers are often misunderstood creatures. They can surmount seemingly all obstacles when they put their mind to the task, and they have unshakable focus when the situation calls for it. Most people lying dead at the foot of mountains are Scorpios. The creator of Superman was also a closet Scorpio though he refuses to acknowledge it.

Sagittarius: A group of people who were born between November 22nd and December 21st, forced to believe that they are philosophers. They are told that they have great abilities for focus, and can be very intense but they must channelize their energy or they will waste time and wear themselves out going in too many directions at once. Most people, who refuse to look at maps, or ask directions and can be seen sitting on roadside philosophizing about being lost are Sagittarians. Columbus was a famous Sagittarian though he denies it vociferously.

Capricorn: Another group of people who are led to believe that they are damn philosophical, good organizers, and they achieve their goals by purposeful, systematic means. They do not deal well with opposition or criticism but a healthy Capricorn will often shrug off negative comments towards their character. Suresh Kalmadi and most of the Indian politicians are rumored to be Capricorns, though they may not admit it.

Aquarius: These are ordinary folks who believe that they are simple and unassuming, and go about accomplishing goals in a quiet, often unorthodox ways. They believe that though their methods may be unorthodox, but the results, are surprisingly effective. Jack the Ripper was rumored to be a an Aquarian. His mom says that he showed no tendency to violence till he read Bheja Daruwallahs' book. The cops are currently looking for Bejha Daruwallah as an accessory to murder.

Pisces: Pisceans are people who believe they are beautifully gentle, and generous and hence taken advantage of. In the end, however, the Pisces is often the victor of ill circumstance because of his/her intense determination. They become passionately devoted to a cause – particularly if they are championing for friends or family. Most members of the Gandhi family believe they are Pisceans.


Leo: Leo's have been brainwashed into believing that they are about expanse, power and that they are natural born leaders, and they will let you know it as they have a tendency to be high-minded and vocal about their opinions. Most inmates of mental asylums are Leos, where they can be seen being high minded and vocal in their padded cells.

I rest my case.

Have a nice week folks!