Saturday, April 21, 2007

One of those days...

When it rains it pours they say or something like that. Now if I get sued for misquoting that quote, my day will be just PERFECT! Some days just get worse and worse.

Early in the morning I switch the TV on and get ready to channel surf through the channels that I have arranged in a particular order. News Channels in one line, Movie Channels next and so on. Makes life really easy for me I can watch Star Movies, Hallmark, HBO, AXN together by changing between channels. Believe me you don’t miss much besides you get a separate TV to watch in the privacy of your room…absolutely free!

Anyways as soon as I put the TV on, I landed on Cartoon Network!! Consternation gripped me because I remember that Channel 1 was always Star Movies. The next channel was Nickelodeon and the next was Disney channel. The pattern repeated itself till all my prearranged channels were now showing Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon and Disney channel....that is 34 channels of Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, Disney Channel over and again! I was hopping mad! My mom tells me rather apologetically that my cousins brothers little daughter was using my TV and had apparently "adjusted" the TV to her liking. Now that meant I would have to redo it all over again :( And for those people who might be wondering why I need to arrange the channels in a certain order, please read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus unless there is a sale going at Jupiter" to understand this phenomenon.

And to make things worse, the little tyke who perpetrated this catastrophic damage on my TV decided to play Clue Finders on my PC.

Clue Finder: 1+1= What??
Tyke: What?
Me: Four duh!
Tyke: Shame shame puppy shame this chechi doesn’t know anything!!
Me: heh heh Yes dear, now run along and leave me alone!
Tyke: No!!!
Me: Yes!!!
Tyke: *sob*

And so I spent the next 30 minutes answering some rocket science questions like 3+4 = What?, 3+5 = What?, 7-5= What?...and getting them all wrong too! :( ( The poor kid got thoroughly cyber punished and is currently not talking to me.)

My woes did not end here. No siree, the gentleman in the Big House up there was enjoying himself too much to stop now. I take my bike out to meet up friends and the damn thing keeps stopping on the way leading to some minor irritations like traffic pile ups and some major irritations like creepy looking guys piling on to you offering help. After I had given them my best "tere ghar pe maa behen nahin hai kya nayinde mon?" look and sent them slithering away, I was feeling really sorry for myself.

Finally I did manage to reach this coffee outlet, sank into the chair with a sigh of relief when we heard a strange voice speaking sternly.

Voice: Message.
(very loud): MESSAGGGGGE!!!!!!!!!
(screaming): aargh MESSSSAAGGGGE!!!!
Demented screaming: AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!! AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!

People were looking helter skelter. It turned out to be my phone. SMS ring tone script, kind courtesy my second brother M, voice recording, kind courtesy my cuz Rohan Mathew. While I was getting over the shock there came another shocker. This time it was the phone ringing errr screaming in a guttural voice!

Pick up the phone!
Silverine pick up the phone!
Silverine pick up the phone!!!!

(ring tone script, again kind courtesy my second brother M, voice recording, kind courtesy my cuz Rohan Mathew)

If a genie were to appear right then and grant me a wish then I would have asked for a Caterpillar Hydraulic Excavator with changeable rotator blades. (And why you may ask? Because the earth will not open up and swallow me automatically silly!!).

People were smiling, my friends were laughing and I managed to look indulgently amused while inside I was just dying to get my hand on someone's MP3 collection lovingly collected over the years and hitting the Shift+Delete button AND THEN setting fire to the back up CD's and then doing something really bad to Rohan that I will think of when I have cooled down sufficiently. Right now you can fry an egg on my head and get a perfect sunny side up!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Wake up and smell...err hear the garbage truck

Day: Saturday morningu
Place: Bengaluru
Time: 5:59 am
Status: Total silence'u!

Tis the morning of a Saturday and all throughout Bengaluru not a creature is stirring not even a mouse except for the Bengaluru Mahanagara Palike Garbage’u Vehiclesu.

Day: Saturday morningu
Place: Bengaluru
Time: 6 am

Recorded Message: Namaskara!!!! Greetings from the Bengaluru Mahanagar Palike!!!! This is a public service message intended to wake you up on a Saturday. Do not throw garbage on the roadsu, empty plotsu, neighbours house’u etc. Please segregate wastu and hand it over to our friendly and ever helpful satffsu who will mix it all together back again and throw it into a lake’u. We know that none of you are listening to this messagu. For your listening pleasure'u this message'u will be repeated againu and againu till you tear your hair out in frustrtaionsu. Please do not forget to dispose the hair with other biodegradable materialsu. For more information please contact your local clueless Health Officeru. He is of course heh heh the healthiest person in your neighbourhoodu. Please help us to help you. We love you all! Namaskara!!!!


^%$&$*^&**#!&@+* I swear I will contribute one can of Kerosene Oil to the people here who are planning to burn down that vehicle!!!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Happy Birthday!

Like most mothers of true blue achayan boys my ammachi (grandma) was also a very jovial woman. (When you can’t beat them join 'em in the mischief was her motto). She had nothing to complain. Her kids were religious, did not trouble her chickens too much and were good in studies ( though she never understood why studies were so important anyways). She also managed to change her morose achayan husband after a few years of living together as man and wife and half a dozen sons.

Her eldest son (yours truly's dad) surprised her and her hubby by getting into some godforsaken college called IIT is some godforsaken land ( Definition of godforsaken land - land with no churches).She never understood why he couldn’t join the really nice neighbourhood Arts and Commerce College, (besides the priests were so nice too.) When her eldest son’s eldest son too went his father’s way she clucked her tongue in disapproval. And then when her eldest sons second son too joined some Management Institute her disapproval was complete. Too bad she didn’t live to see her only granddaughter go to a “proper college” unlike her brothers who went to some stupid “institute”.( I know she would have been proud of me had she been alive).

The second Thomaskutty was a maths whiz ( heh heh he is my Godfather too :p) and wanted to do some really blasphemous stuff like *gasp* "further studies" on a scholarship in the US. Ammachi put her foot down saying. "You wanted to study and we let you, you wanted to study further and we humoured you again, but there should be a limit to your greed. You are not going anywhere!!!”

The third a really really phlegmatic and extremely handsome achayan, Kurien ,who is known to speak only if someone holds a gun to his head and says "Speak" or during extremely grave crisis that necessitates communication like "My glass is empty, pass the bottle" is the reason I am a bird lover and a blogger today. Now how can a man who rarely speaks and a girl who does not know how to shut up get along together? Well like a house on fire, literally. The uncle niece relationship blossomed over the years due to the simple fact that my uncle was too phlegmatic to say "Shut up for Gods sake!!!" If I ever went missing all my grandma had to do was to yell "Kuriacho!!" and Kuriachen would appear from somewhere ( as he never verbally answered anyones call) and I would be right behind him. Kuriachende vaalu or Kurian’s tail was my other nickname. Our relationship was/is unique:

Uncle: *pointing to a bird*
Me: That is a crow isnt it?
Uncle: *pained expression on the face*
Me: Egret?
Uncle: *look of absolute horror*
Me: uppan?(coucal)
Uncle: *smile*

(He once wanted to join Communication Classes but could not convince the interviewer that he wasn’t a piece of furniture!)

It was due to this Uncle that a young girl seated on a gentleman’s lap in a kallu shaap (toddy shop) became a not so unique sight in my village. In fact they even had a special menu for me namely, less spicy fish fry, less spicy beef fry and less spicy other fries generally found in the kallu shaaps. It was also due to this uncle’s popularity that my dad never found out my err... trysts and the reason why toothless sweet old men smiled at me in the church and at the market. (I was an elite member of the kallu shaap club at the tender age of three!)

My ammachi like most mothers just knew what her son wanted even if he rarely opened his mouth.

Uncle: *sitting at the dinner table*
Ammachi: What do you mean, you don’t want dinner today? Absolutely not possible, you got to eat something!
Uncle: *silence*
Ammachi: Fine, if you want mango chutney I will make some for you.
Uncle: *silence*
Ammaachi: Ok ok I wont force you have my cabbage thoran *grumble* What have you got against it anyway?!!!

Even the other five brothers just had to look at him to know what he was thinking:

My Dad: I say we buy a 100 Pipers this weekend.
Uncle: *inscrutable look*
Second Uncle: Kuriacha for gods sake not Bagpiper, I can’t stand it’s smell.
Uncle: *inscrutable look*
My Dad: *sigh* if Kuriachan insists we will get his Bagpiper but the rest of us stick to 100 Pipers.
Uncle: *inscrutable look*
Third Uncle: What did you say? You think 100 Pipers is no good? Blasphemous!!
My Dad: Stop arguing both of you!!!!!

For his wedding there was trouble brewing:

Priest: And do you Kuriachen Mathai K take Annama Varkey to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Uncle: *innocent boyish smile*
My Dad: err he does, he does!!
Priest: Do you promise to take care of her in sickness and health, good times and bad times till death do you part?
Uncle: *innocent boyish smile*
Another brother: He does, I swear he does.
Ammachi: *almighty God I will donate an entire coconut bunch at the edapally if this marriage goes through amen*
Bride: *sob*

Infact after his marriage it was my Ammachi and her sons who had to come to the rescue of his new bride.

Bride: I think my husband is dead *sob*
Ammachi: Ente karthave, what happened?
Bride: I took coffee for him but he did not move from the bed!!!
Ammachi: *whew* you scared me Annamme!! It just means you are standing on his slippers!! AND DONT SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!!!

The only time I heard him speak was the day I picked up a dead chameleon by the tail and proudly showed it to him. He looked at me in consternation and said the most profound words ever spoken by him. “Aiyyo!!!”

(And thus having exhausted his quota of speech for six months he never spoke again for the next six months.)

Today when I wished my favourite uncle a very happy birthday I could hear the unspoken *thank you, god bless you* in the silence and the sweet smile.

You are the best uncle on this planet and the gentlest human being and perhaps the most gentlemanly gent on this earth Kurian uncle!!!

Many happy returns of the day!

( p.s I waited till midnight to post this as today is his birthday!)

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Equal Opportunity

It's been almost 6 months since that fateful Interview and my arrival here. I have made lots of friends and I am already on nodding terms with the Security guys, the facilities guys, cafeteria guys etc. It is nice to forge such strong bonds with the helpdesk staff.

The Security guys actually get palpitations if they don’t see me...say once a week:

Security guy: Miss as usual you left your mobile behind...please come to our office and collect your mobile.
Moi: Oh that is where it is!
Security guy: heh heh Miss as per rules I have to ask you what make is your mobile?
Moi: hmmm Samsung?
Security guy: *chuckle* No!!!!
Moi: hmmm Motorola?
Security guy: *giggle* Wrong!! Try again!!!
Moi: I give up!!
Security guy: It's Nokia!!! Hah!!! We win...again!!!!! Better luck next time week!
Moi: :(

The cafeteria staffs just love me:

Murli: Here you are Miss, a South Indian light coffee, your regular.
Moi: But I want a Latte today.
Murli turning to the vending machine: *tamil expletives*

The facilities help desk guys duck into nooks and crannies when they see me, but I know every nook and cranny in this building.

Robert: heh heh Miss we are seeing a lot of you these days.
Moi: heh heh you can always reduce that you know.
Robert: heh heh Pray how can I do that?
Moi: heh heh by giving me the %^&$ supplies heh heh
Robert: heh heh I haven’t got your mail
Moi: heh heh Show me your monitor!!!
Robert : NO!!! heh heh
Moi: Guess that means you have ignored it again heh heh
Robert: Tell you what, send me the mail again I will send you your requirements heh heh
Moi(taking out my laptop): I will send you the mail RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!! heh heh
Robert: heh heh :(

The travel desk staff just adores me!!

Monica: Hello this is Monica from the Travel Desk of INTHERED Corporation. Is this Miss Overmadeup at the airport check in counter?
Miss Overmadeup: Yes!
Monica: That Silverine just flounced outta here as usual because I mucked up her itinerary as usual . She is on her way, you know what to do *giggle*
Miss Overmadeup: Of course *guffaw* Hope you did what you had to do?!
Monica: Of course I made sure she is travelling in an ATR aircraft *snigger*
Miss Overmadeup: And I will make sure she sits right next to the frightening fan blades.
Both: ROTFL their A Off!

This is such a lovely place to work. No matter what your rank or position, you end up getting screwed equally by the support staff.

Note to self: Next time please ensure that you ask for definitions of "all" HR terms especially the term "equal opportunity".

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Deepening the rot


Mumbai: At a recently concluded Press Conference the Chief of BCCI announced that they have decided on the people who will coach a totally new Indian Cricket Team. The selected people and their designations are given below. It is hoped that the vast experience and expertise of these people will help mold a World Class Indian Cricket Team.

Sachin Tendulkar: Chief Coach
Sourav Ganguly: Assistant Coach
Dhoni: Adviser to Chief Coach
Sreesanth: Adviser to Assistant Coach

Anil Kumble: Chief Bowling Coach
Harbhajan Singh: Assistant to Chief Bowling Coach
Irfan Pathan: Assistant Bowling Coach
Zaheer Khan: Assistant to Assistant Bowling Coach

Yuvraj Singh: Chief Fielding Coach
Dhoni: Assistant Fielding Coach
Munaf Patel: Assistant to Chief Fielding Coach

Rahul Dravid: Chief Batting Coach
Virender Sehwag: Assistant Batting Coach
Dinesh Karthik: Adviser to Chief Batting Coach
Robin Uthapa: Adviser to Assistant Batting Coach

The team selection will be concluded in a couple of years or four, but the appointment of the coaches is immediate. According to inside sources corporates like Frankfinn Airhostess School, Achumama School of Charm and Faultless English and Uma Bharti Finishing School and IIPM have already booked the coaches for endorsements.

According to the BCCI the new coaches of the the next India World Cup squad is deadly enough to give the sponsors good mileage for their money.

When this reporter asked a BCCI official about the probables for the next "Indian World Cup Team" he said quote "Indian Cricket Team? Whatiteez?" unquote.