Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Mobile woes

My first phone was a Siemens handset that an Ungle from the Gelf had bought for me. Sturdy, reliable and built like an Ox, it was the kind of phone that would come very handy if someone snatched your hand bag. You could use it to club the robber black and blue and it would still be intact! And if the robber takes to his heels with your bag, then you could throw it at his receding skull and be sure of some spell binding acoustics effects when it connected with the cranium.

You could then nonchalantly pick it up, blow the dust away (like James Bond blowing the smoke from the muzzle of his gun after he had shot a target that was moving at the speed of 475358 kms a second) and walk away from the scene with your hand bag amidst applause. Of course nothing of that sort happened but that was because no self respecting robber would grab my handbag unless he was desperate for loose change.

A week after I was given the phone, a new model was released and suddenly I was trying to pass off my ‘outdated’ mobile as a rectangular block of grey plastic that I was carrying around to defend myself. No one bought the story though. My Dad refused to buy me the new model and suggested gently that I wait another week and my friend’s new mobile would be outdated and I wouldn’t feel so ashamed of my block of plastic. I refused to talk to my Dad for a couple of days after that. This was good because four new versions of the same phone were released during those couple of days and suddenly all of us had outdated phones. The new models releasing in the market was a great leveler as none of us could afford it and hence we were content with our prehistoric gadgets. ( In ‘phone age’ a month equals a decade and anything more than that is classified as pre historic).

When I started summer internships, I gave up my mobile because I had a Big Boss who would call me at all odd hours and a Mom who would call me at all even hours of the day. (Between the two of them they succeeded in reducing the sparrow population in Bangalore to catastrophic levels).

Big Boss was easy to evade.

Big Boss: Helloooooo
Me: Helloooooo
Big Boss: Damn!! This phone echoes! *slam*

But my Amma was a smart cookie.

Mom: Hello?
Me: Hi, this is me. Sorry I am unable to take your call right now but leave a message and your number and …
Mom (interrupting): I know you can hear me. You didn’t eat breakfast today blah blah I took so much trouble blah blah blah got up at 6 am blah blah I am never going to make breakfast again. *SLAM*

After scintillating conversations like these I decided that I would preserve what little of my brain cells that were not fried, poached and flambéed by the microwaves and threw away the phone into the deep recesses of my cupboard. My cupboard burned down shortly after that.

Mental note * Shut down the mobile before stowing it away in flammable places like wooden cupboards*
Mental note number 2 *And don’t leave lighted candles in the cupboard*.

Recently I agreed to be the guinea pig for a highly secretive International experiment. I agreed to borrow a mobile phone from my friend for a short period of time at the insistence of friends. Since it was a trial period I decided to borrow my ex colleague’s CDMA mobile that is serviced by a company whose credo is ‘Love your brother as thyself’. My friend’s circle heaved a sigh of relief. Friday jam sessions would be so easy to plan.

Step one: Call Silverine
Step two: Make her buy the booze.
Step three: Enjoy maadi.
Step four: Let her clean up as it is her house.

And now they would also be able to call me up at 2 am and ask intelligent and thought provoking questions like:

Do you think Red is my color?”
Do you think I should allow Gaurav to kiss me?”
Guess what I was dreaming? I will give you a clue: I am in a bikini, on a beach and this handsome hunk
……” *giggle*

( *sniff* such good friends I have and it is only 2 am).

My patience was wearing thin and scalp thinner. I decided to leave a recorded message so that I could avoid trivial calls and more brain death.

Hi this is me. I am very busy right now; leave a message ONLY if it is a matter of life and death

I got several important messages that were a matter of life and death and grave importance.

Mom: Where did you keep the chilli powder?
Telecaller: Hello! I am Smitha calling from ABC Bank. Congratulations you have just been suckered. To know more call me at 12345678. Hurry!
Unidentified caller from STD booth: *heavy breathing*
Friend: I have put on two kilos over the weekend *bawl*
Brother: Did you brush the dog with my hair brush?!?!?!?!

The last straw was an incident that happened last week.

Mom: What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Me: I don’t know. What is the answer?
Mom: I don’t know, it doesn’t say here.
Me: Holy crap!!! You have been reading my SMS’s?

I quickly checked the said SMS and gasped at the answer, and silently thanked all the angels and saints that my mom didn't know how to scroll down.

The answer was "Snowballs".

( I have since given up my mobile phone)

54 comments:

calvin said...

HAHA First .. Of course with some Inside Help

silverine said...

:))

Thanks for that first comment!!!

DD said...

Awesome ending :) And even better was the stuff above it! Lighted candles in the cupboard..lol!
Mobiles can really be painful esp with the tons of people calling in to sell credit cards and stuff...last seen on ibnlive.com, mobile telephony will soon be enabled in the high skies so that you dont miss a call when you are making that business trip in business class...sheesh!

calvin said...

Dude. I am supposed to be working . I was frustrated and hopping mad. I mean till lunch it was just tense. I want my 'system' to do Thing A and it Does Thing B which destroys all my previous configs and I was hopping mad.

This thing calmed me down.

________________________________
Big Boss was easy to evade.

Big Boss: Helloooooo
Me: Helloooooo
Big Boss: Damn!! This phone echoes! *slam*
_________________________________

Sometimes I do that :D

Safari Al said...

nice one.

you dont drop by anymore.
(ggrrr...)

no that is not my mobile on silent.

Browser said...

Reminded me of my first phone - around 1996. Was a bulky Motorla which was too big to even put in my pocket!!! But a weapon it was, no doubts about that.

1.618 said...

ROTFL after long time :)

Good that your mom didn't scroll through the SMS. ;) It is a problem everyone faces. People directly open up your mobile's inbox even at the slightest chance :(

Connor's Corner said...

Am at office... trying HARD not to laugh out aloud!!! That was really funny... especially, with regards to pesky moms, going thru our messages... i face the SAME problem at home!!

Rose said...

With that kinda sms' in ur mobile and that kinda mom (didnt mean it to sound dat way) its gud for u dat u dnt hv a cell..

ROFTL.. u even received 'heavy breathing' as a msg???

Im loyal to my Nokia.. I have tortured it tothe fullest.. I was once standing in my balcony (wich is on the first floor) talkn to a friend over my cellphone. I threw my head back and laughed at some silly joke he said. But when i pulled my head back i cud no longer hear my friend and suddenly realised by hand was empty.. To my horror i realised that i had dropped my cell from the first floor.. I rushed down to get it, only to find it intact with hardly a scratch on it..

Thus began my lifelong loyalty to Nokia.. I gues i owe it that much..

:)

..Me

Immigrant in Canada said...

I still hv my Nokia(15 yrs old, same size as a brick.. was supposed to be a mobile phone when it was born, but now stationary phone...battery won't last, if you unplug it..!). I was told by friends and family that I would get arrested if I use that phone outside. Carrying a weapon is a punishable offence in Malaysia..the choosen punishment is death by hanging!

Dhanush said...

Good That I saw this post at this time of the evening. Otherwise I would have laughed so loud that my office ppl would think I have gone mad
Big Boss: Helloooooo
Me: Helloooooo
Big Boss: Damn!! This phone echoes! *slam*
ROFL

Girl, You are blessed with that important thing called Sense Of Humour. Really Good One

Enigma said...

:)) we all go thru this "mobile" pause (?!) in our lives

Mind Curry said...

you know, if i could nominate you for some award for smart writing, i would definitely do so. i am sure someday i will.

absolutely hilarious stuff!!

sure of some spell binding acoustics effects when it connected with the cranium
this was the best!! man..you would connect well with the medical fraternity! :)

unless he was desperate for loose change
naaa...i dont believe that!! :) now i know who to rob if i need some "change"!!

Brother: Did you brush the dog with my hair brush?!?!?!?!
haha..too good. but worse coulda been him asking "did you brush your hair with my hair brush?!?!? :)) oops..bad joke! but women can have that kind of effect on your hairbrush!

p.s. if you ever reconnect, do let me know ;)

Anonymous said...

Between the two of them they succeeded in reducing the sparrow population in Bangalore to catastrophic levels

You sure know to make ur blogs damn interesting..!

Enjoyed it. :)

neihal said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
mathew said...

hilarious madam!!

hardly find few people without a cell these days..u are a rare specimen

verbaltorture said...

The answer was "Snowballs".

-- Neat.

And join the small and slowly disintegrating club of us non-mobile-users.

We will NOT succumb to temptation !

Kusum Rohra said...

AAaargh, i hve a whole big list of mobile woes which i may write about someday, but but but I cant and wont ever live without my cell phone, its got everything, list of people, adresses, reminders, notes, untill i coaxed my dad into gifting me a swanky watch i never wore a watch and the cell was my watch. Phew NAHI i cant think of life without a cell phone.

This was hilarious as usual. sp. the intelligent things your frds wanted to discuss, silver are you sure you want to give up the only mental exercise you get by solving your friends issues?

And thanks for posting kind words for Hafta. You are my favourite reader :)

Alexis Leon said...

Nice one. Was a laugh riot. I have never owned or used a mobile phone. No point in having a mobile phone with no mobility :-)

aks said...

hahahahahahahehehehhe...hey sil....hilarious post....confluencing humour with small aspects of life.... u are mastering this art....as for not having a cell phone....u can alwayz have mine...(save me from the woes)....i too have preserved my antique, phone for a brick, cell but not in a cupboard with a candle nywhere near it...

Browser said...

Looks like Poomanam has been kidnapped by the cell phone lobby. This explains her not replying to the comments :-)

monu said...

am still using an old nokia mobile... doesnt have much options and facilities..but i like it very much..but its not the one which is like a brick which said can be used for some other purposes...

here we call the heavy duty items "thabuk". Thabook in arabic means "brick" :)

manuscrypts said...

worth a try on my boss :)

Jiby said...

superb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i really cant believe how u come across so many daily life situations to take a poke at!!!

funny thing with leaving messages on a fone...i was visiting one of my friends in the us and he called his cousin while i was sitting beside him and not getting him...he turned towards me and said..."o bhagyam, aa daash #$#$^ mone poyi kaanada ineem...vilichitte kittiyillallo!!!" unfortunately for my friend wht he said went to his cousins voice message and it became cause for a family feud...from then on he developed mobilophobia!!!!

Lalit Singh said...

Ungle from the Gelf
That is egg-jaktly how the mallus talk... my first manager was one.. so Lalit conveniently became Ladit, Ankur was re-christen Angur and Lekha was , much to her displeasure, Lega. Also we had fix-ed bud-jets for various things under his command.

My cupboard burned down shortly after...don’t leave lighted candles
Did you brush the dog with my hair brush?!?!?!?!
educing the sparrow populationto catastrophic levels

ROTFL

Even my first one was a Siemens.. foll by a Panasonic and the last one I bought couple of years ago was Nokia and it cost me more than a months salary. Damn!!!

silverine said...

Deepak: Thanks DD:) Mobile telephony in the skies sounds awful !

Aashik: Thank you :) Hope things have sorted out by now.

Safari Al: Hey that piece on that girl was brilliant!!!!

browser: Even mine was like a brick :)

1.618: Thank you :) It is so annoying isn't it when people pry into your mobile? ;)

connors corner: I tell you gurl our problems are so similar!!! :))


Rose:The real reason is to keep people from work calling me at home :)

Sarah: LOL Then I better keep my old fellah at home when I travel to Malaysia :))

Dhanush:Thank you so much Dhanush :))

Enigma: "mobile'pose..now thats an interesting and apt term :))

Mind Curry: Thank you so much for that really sweet comment :) I better be careful now and keep the change at home. Carrying change is more risky that 1000 rupee notes nowadays LOL

"did you brush your hair with my hair brush?!?!? Now how did you know about that ???? ;)

Anon:Thank you :)

Neihal: Tucking those old phones in the trouser??? He must have been wearing sacks :))

mathew: Thanks buddy and I know several people who have opted out of the 'mobile' mania :)

verbaltorture: We will NOT succumb to temptation ! I second that!!!!

Kusum: *sinff* what love for your phone da, made me all senti ..:))) lol
Gurl I don't want mental exercises in the middle of the night, all I want is blissful sleep !!!! Haftmag is great and I loved the contents. Looking forward to the Monday edition. This is the first time I am excited about an online mag and I am gonna soon Blogroll it and you too.

Alexis: You are missing nothing :)

Aks: Thanks buddy!!! Hey don't give that montser away, some day it will make you rich!!!!! People will pay a premiun for it.

browser: lol no..I was busy thats all!!

Monu:Most people swear by Nokia, but I still miss that Siemens fone of mine.

manuscrypts: Hey there buddy, long time no see :) Do try it and let me know the results ;)

Jiby: Thank you !!!!!!! Mobiles can be really irritating :) Your poor friend..cant stop laughing he he ....

Lalit: Hey those were very accurate mallu ag-zents...lol I loved my old Siemens mobile..sentimental attachment I guess :)

Maverick said...

:)):))

certain truly considerate friends(or &^%^&@) of mine have been forcing me to buy a mobile.........

but me still resisting the temptation of becoming the lord of the ring ring....

JamesBright said...

Sure..these mobiles can be a pain in the "neck" at times..!

Kautilya said...

ROTFL....
ROTFL....

//What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman//

Snowballs...

Gud for u din't get caught by ur mom...
Unfortunately... I was caught by my mum .. and me falling in the Shameless category... I still joke about that with mum!!!

aks said...

hey sil....your advice taken into account...the "monster" has been locked up safely in a far far away land...till the preminum thing pops up....

silverine said...

Maverick: Resist the temptation with all your will power, or the temptation will overwhelm you :))

Dreamslittle: It is useful for some people, but for someone like me it is a pain. People think because I am single they can haul me to work anytime brrr

Koutilya: My mom wouldn't have understood it anyway LOL But she would have gone around wondering aloud and that would have left me very red faced :p

Aks: Thanks buddy....that's geat news!!! But it must too late by now. They have already tampered with the evidence, so it will be difficult to make the case stick :(

Kusum Rohra said...

Thanks again, even I am waiting for this Monday's issue.

Sreejith Kumar said...

Wow! Consider making a movie Silv, like Pushpak of Kamal Hasan, obviously with some very important dialogues ;-) So many encounters and all of them funny. :-))

PS: - I think one can survive on the salary of a fimmaker. Still I am in the katzenjammer of that lady's comment on your profession.

Inder said...

that was a good one :)
i make the best use of my mobile when i use it as a sort of torch to find the seat numbers at cinema halls.

Dr. Pissed said...

haha
now thats one funny post!!

But I've loved my 3310 to bits and now this K750i works well for me. But man, that was funny.. haha

venus said...

mobile phone is an inseparable part of my life! I am very much wired, I have 4 phones on my name!!
Nothing wrong in being tech savvy :)

mom reading SMS and calls for life and death situation !! very funny :)

suddenlynita said...

you are an awesome writer and I read your posts with a whole lot of envy.I Absolutly Love your posts!
---nita

Anonymous said...

You are one awesome writer Madam !! been following yours regularly but been lazy to leave comments ...
The best 3 humorous bloggers so far would be 1) Sidin 2) Maladies of confused 3) you...
Bow to thee...!!

Vinodh

Dewaker Basnet said...

hahahahhaha....and a little more of that..hahahah...fentasteek..

Jobin said...

'Poomanam' is synonymous with your blog... here at the Kochi Technopark :D

Bring on the smiles :-)

shruti said...

This was too hilarious ,,, too good,,, u have brought out the woes really well..he he ..although when i lost mine i wasnt prepared for the heart break ( it had a lot of pics , videos , imp messages and ofcourse had become such a part of eevryday life !)

silverine said...

Kusum:I have blogrolled you and Hafta Mag :)

Sreejith: My blogs are actual events with a lil twist ;) The lady's comments are best ignored as you will find many old timers like her who think that if you are not a doctor or an Engineer you are doomed :))

Inder: I do the same !!!!! :))

dr pissed: I know da, thanks for sending her fotoo. She is beautiful da :)

Venus:Four phones???? I have just one Sim Card :))

suddenlynita: I finally found your blog and left a comment. It is suddenlynita.livejournal isn't it? Thank you for the kind words :)

Vinodh: Thank you :)

Dewaker Basnet: Thanks buddy :)

Jobin: I will try, thanks :)

shruti: Thanks you gurl ! Actually I lost one mobile to rainwater and a lot of data as well. That prompted me to keep a back up in my diary.

Ganesh Ranganathan said...

very funny post....reminds me of my ericsson, it was so heavy that I had to wear a belt with my pant lest it pull them down....

But I can never imagine giving up my cell, no matter how annoying it is....

Amit said...

lol...a friend of mine used an alcatel phone (one of the huge old ones..standard size bricks are lighter in comparision) to talk to his girlfriend..he spoke for around an hour, and the next thing he knew, he was bleeding from the nose.. dropped that phone like a hot potato (boy, and did it fall) and got a nokia...he said "if that's the effect that phone has when i use it to talk, i don't want to know what effect it has when its in standby in my pant pocket"...i personally swear by my mobile phone..you know how bad guys are at remembering stuff like bdays right? Thats why a mobile phone is a guys best friend...and you can use it to make calls too.. :)

Oh yeah, i didn't like your mallu bashing..i think we speak zimbly the best ingleesh there is.. :D

Arti Honrao said...

Silverine zindabad!
Howz u gurl?

Tell me wen is ur budday n I'll gift u a cellphone :p


GBU
Arti

പെരിങ്ങോടന്‍ said...

In ‘phone age’ a month equals a decade and anything more than that is classified as pre historic

ഇതായിരുന്നു രസകരം :)

“ദൈവമേ ഈ ബ്ലോഗ് വായിക്കുന്ന മലയാളം അറിയാത്തവര്‍ കരുതുന്നുണ്ടാവും, ഇവനേതടാ വായേല്‍ക്കൊള്ളാത്ത ഭാഷയില്‍ പേരുള്ളവന്‍ ആ ഭാഷയില്‍ കമന്റുന്നവന്‍ എന്നു്. ക്ഷമിക്കൂ സഹോദരങ്ങളെ ക്ഷമിക്കൂ. silverine ഉം ക്ഷമിക്കൂ ;)”

silverine said...

Ganesh: "I had to wear a belt with my pant lest it pull them down...." ROFL

Amit: "i don't want to know what effect it has when its in standby in my pant pocket" ROFL

nd you can use it to make calls too lol true some people do use it to make phone calls. And that was not mallu bashing, that was me very proudlly emphasising our agzent. Actually I dread the day mallus will start speaking normally. It would be a great loss!!!

Arti: Gurl how can you treat a fellow gurl blogger thus? Get me a cell phone? I might as well hitch up a tent in my office :p

Peringodan: Isn't it true at the rate at which newer versions are coming in the market? And please don't apologise for commenting in Mallu ever!!!! There are bloggers who comment in different languages. I admire the mallu bloggers who have given links to download Anjali font which makes Malayalam a readable medium on the Internet. You don't see many other vernacular bloggers doing that. So keep commenting in Malayalam. I love reading the comments in Malayalam :)

P said...

mine was a 3310 which I had for close to three years! Now, I am looking for a mobile phone with an mp3 player ( I am earning after all!) but somehow I just cant get myself to go and splurge 10k+..

the troubles of todays youth!

venus said...

4 phones- personal cell + work cell + work landline + home land line = 4 phones..

i recently got this work cell, and havn't quite got adjusted to it, it's fun if u want to confuse someone by calling them from this unknown number :)

silverine said...

P: Troubles indeed. More like spoilt for choice :))

venus:Unlike the Mktg folks it is not complusory for me to have a phone besides company policy is strictly against anyone working beyond 6pm or on weekends :)

neihal said...

Sorry.had to delete my comment coz...for some stupid reason.

pophabhi said...

Has been out of blogosphere for a while. Awesome post - LOL!! Wonderful ending too ;)

b v n said...

LOL...this is one crazy post !!

Naveen said...

enjoying your posts..:)

wonderful writing skill!