Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Karva Chauth 2.0

Karva chauth: An auspicious day observed by married women in Hindi films err North India, by fasting for the good health and long life of their husbands, the only bread winner of the family in the good old days.

Now with women doubling up as jam/caviar winners to supplement the bread brought by the breadwinner, the ritual is going to change according to a religious head, who wishes to remain anonymous. This is to ensure the longevity of Indian marriages which may be threatened by the missus preferring Crackers over bread for her Caviar! Henceforth Husbands will observe this ritual for the good health and long life of their marriages.

On Karva chauth day, Husbands will get up at 4:30 am, take bath, ensuring he doesn’t use the wife's shampoo and soap, clean the toilet, put the towels outside for drying and make breakfast after doing Pooja (it means ‘prayer’ silly). He will of course ensure that the house is swept and swabbed before the pooja. Before that he will ensure that he has removed the frozen stuff from the freezer and left it out for thawing. Of course, the frozen stuff will be cleaned and packed neatly in Ziplock bags, so that the family eats clean and nutritious food always.

Much before the a month before, hubby would have paid the electricity bill, water bill, corporation tax, stood in the ration queue and bought the kerosene, rice, sugar etc. He would have of course woken up the kids, got them ready for school, made breakfast, packed their tiffin and made the wife her morning tea before doing what I have mentioned in the beginning of this paragraph.

And before doing all that I have mentioned in the above paragraph, he would have ensured that the wife has three hot home cooked meals a day and something special on weekends so that she is not bored with the fare. He would have entertained his in laws, cooked their favorite dishes, took them to the doctor, ran around for his wives brothers wedding and ensured that the home was also running simultaneously.

Much much before all that I have mentioned in the above two paragraphs, like before the wedding hubby would have taken cookery classes, home decoration classes, flower decoration classes, candle making classes, grooming classes in order to be attractive and useful to the future wifey. His mom would have taught him to be docile and meek and drilled it into his head that his better half was a goddess herself. He would have kept himself "pure" (barf) for his future wife and would have ensured a good reputation for himself in the society as a good boy! Of course his Dad would have scrimped and saved a sizable dowry so that he could marry of his son into a good family.

Further his Dad would have taught him to be a good husband, like he was and the generations before him. He would have taught him the intricacies of the religious rituals and festivals so that he could carry on the family traditions and ensure their continuity.

And much much before what I have mentioned in the above paragraphs…err where is everyone gone?

umm, guys?


Anyone here?!?


Friday, May 23, 2008

Life is like this wonly!

Jacob, a cousin bro, who has recently been placed with an IT company here, was staying with us till he secured his own accommodation. His elder sister calls him up now and then from the US, to check on him. Conversation between Chechi (elder sister) and Aniyan (younger brother) goes like this!

Chechi: How is work!
Jacob: Great! Training is going on now!
C: And what do you do on weekends?
J: I drop in here.
C: Good! So you must be going to church with aunty right!

A few weeks later when Jacob got his own accommodation!

C: How are you mone?
J: I am fine chechi. How are you?
C: I am fine. My due date is any day now. Please pray from me.
J (emotionally): I will chechi. I pray for you everyday! *sniff*
C: *Sniff* And don't forget to go for Mass ok?
J: Ok!

A few days later!

C: How are you kutta?
J: I am fine!! Dying to see our vaava (baby)!
C: ha ha He looks just like you. Reminds me of you when you were a baby!
J: Please send me some more snaps of him. I can’t get enough of his photos.
C:lol! Ok! Please pray for you nephew too when you go to church!
J: Of course!
C: You are going regularly to church no?
J: If course chechi!

A few weeks later when Jacob is at our house for lunch!

C: How are you?
J: I am fine! How are you and chetan and vaava!
C: We are all fine! Vaava's christening is on 10th. I know you will not be able to make it. But pray for him huh!
J: I am sending some stuff for him through amma!
C: Don’t send anything for him. Send some kudampulli instead!
J: lol!
C: So what else?
J: Everything is fine chechi. I am now in the Development Center!
C: Great!! Ok I gotta go now. Love you loads kutta!
J: Bye!
C: Hey wait!!! I got to tell you something!
J: Ok!!
C: *silence*
J: Helooo?
C: I am back! Had to go open the door for your chetan. What I wanted to say was, don't miss Sunday Masses okay!
J (under his breath): @#$%@
Me: ROFL!!!

Jacob tries and fails miserably in giving me his dirtiest look!! What else did he think she will say? "I got a cute gal for you!" :p

*sigh* wish I had a chechi :(

Monday, May 19, 2008

Tiger in the woods!

Have you seen that Accenture commercials starring Tiger Woods? Very original and very creative I must admit! The commercials compare Woods' ability on the golf course to the traits of leading businesses, from foresight and preparation to flexibility based on changing circumstances.

This particular TV commercial I saw, demonstrates “Attitude”…which according to the Dictionary is a state of mind or a feeling or disposition. The commercial shows Tiger Woods about to putt a ball when his caddy drops his golf bag, chumma just like that into a water hazard! While the caddy shrugs his shoulders helplessly like a moron, Tiger Woods shakes his head in gentle remonstration. Before they can retrieve the Golf kit from the pool, an alligator or croc swims in from Australia/Florida making the task impossible!

So what does Tiger Woods do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Tiger demonstrates the adaptability that is essential to every high performer by playing the entire match with the available club with him i.e the Putter! So zimble nah!

(All you Golf legends who are spinning in their graves…please chill! This is just an advertisement!)

I was so inspired by the commercial that I decided to offer free creative work to the team that made this commercial so that they don’t have to scratch their heads when its time to extend the commercial.

Situation one

Situational Word: Effulgence

Tiger Woods is playing Golf. He is aiming to putt the ball into the 10th hole when a helicopter flying above the golf course crashes just short of the 10th hole and bursts into flames. There is flames and petrol fumes between Tiger and the 10th hole! So what does Tiger Woods do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Rescue the Pilot and passengers!!!! Kidding! He thinks for a while and then takes a golf club and hits the ball in a horizontal wide arc and it flies in the air avoiding the helicopter and does a sharp right turn and falls into the hole Sivaji ishtyle! People applaud!

Voice over: All it takes is simple ideas to shine forth brilliantly. Just another day in the office for a Tiger!

Situation two

Situational Word: Facile

Tiger Woods is playing in a serious international tournament. He hits the ball for a six err hard and it falls into a herd of sheep! The herd belongs to a poor, homeless, thin, hungry three year old gal whose stepfather would beat her up if even a ball of yarn on the sheep is harmed by a golf ball or a Tiger! So what does Tiger do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Give a few million bucks from his billions towards feeding poor kids! ha ha kidding...again! He thinks for a while and takes out his Golf Iron and thwacks the ground hard a dozen times scattering turf a good hundreds yards away. The sheep run after the turf leaving the field open for Tiger who then hits the ball straight into the 18th hole. The crowds applaud and Woods throws his Accenture hat into the air and gets right back to office to code!

Voice over: The greatest of tasks is easily done! Just another day in the office for a Tiger!

Situation three

Situational Word: Celerity

Tiger Woods is playing golf…again! A mad elephant comes rampaging down the fairway, damages the green, sticks its tongue out at Woods and vanishes out of camera sight! The green is a total mess and Tiger is just one shot away from victory! What does Tiger do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Go to every Ayyappa temple in the vicinity, smoke out the elephant and stick his tongue right back at him? Of course not!!! Tiger demonstrates the adaptability that is essential to every high performer by using the Sand Wedge! A silence falls over the multitude as Tiger takes aim. After some concerted aiming, Tiger hits the ball hard!! The crowds gasp as the ball takes off into the air in an arc clearing the mess made by the elephant and then dips and falls straight into the 18th hole! Everyone applauds and Tiger Woods PM gives him the day off!

Voice over: It takes great knowledge and great experience to arrive at swift decisions! Just another day in the office for a Tiger!

I can give you endless possibilities. But today is Monday and I have Solitaire err I mean Pin Ball to play! Have a nice week folks!

All 'situational words' have been arrived at after careful thought taking into account the merits of good business practices by using the search option in Dictionary which according to a study gets maximum hits from bum advertising professionals.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Consult or be damned to earn thy bread by the sweat of thy brow!

My company decided to cut costs one day.

The move led to a 90% decline in productivity levels by the very next day.

A high profile consultancy firm was hired to probe into the matter for rupees 4 Crore ONLY on the third day!

According to the report tabled by the consultants on the fourth day, the main reason for the sharp drop in productivity levels was:

Employees now have to take the paper cups from the shelf "themselves", place it under the dispenser "themselves" and press the appropriate buttons for coffee/tea "themselves" than ask Murthy to do it for them as was the usual practice!

Their advice: Hire Murthy back!

Cost cutting was dumped on the fifth day, Murthy was hired back and we are now back to our full productivity levels of 12% on weekdays!

My future children will be consultants ( whether they like it or not)!!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Shopping with stupids!

Drastic times calls for drastic measures! And if you were in my shoes, better pray that the drastic measure is not a couple of dim witted gals!!! Right now I need a vacation to recover from the debilitating after effects of massive disappointments! *sigh*

The saga of disappointments began at a sale! This particular store in one of those Bangalore malls was having a 50% Sale last week. And the three of us, that is me, mom and my second bro M, dropped in to see what they were selling for 50% that was actually 25 %. I mean most of these stores will wait for approximately one week after they open new stocks and then hike up their prices by 200% and announce a 50% sale. Then they clutch their stomachs and laugh all the way to the bank while we scramble and push and shove to buy what we think is a steal. Come to think of it, it is a steal! Either way!

Everything was mostly stolen err...sold out when we reached the store and I decided that I would sit down and wait for the other two to finish their shopping. Now shopping with family members is an interesting experience. It is so interesting that I normally carry Popcorn and soft drinks to sit and watch the non stop entertainment that follows. (In hindsight I should have carried something stronger to drink this time!)

So here I was chomping on the Popcorn, sipping a Tropicana Litchi Twirl rather noisily and looking around aimlessly when I spied D, a wannabe Mrs M. My ears perked up like a puppy scenting a packet of Pedigree being opened...well not exactly but I did sit up with hope brimming in my eyes! All I need was a tail to complete the picture…a touching picture of a rather sweet little puppy with high hopes of its elder sibling puppy marrying that nice gal puppy and leaving the house leaving her his nice room overlooking the vineyard. (The room is always larger on the other side… old family saying.)

D came into the Shoes section all smiles at having spotted M but before she could say “Hi” she spotted my Amma. In front of my horrified eyes, she ran into the Men’s inner wear section, stopped short of a display case and refused to turn around. She stood staring at the display without seeing a thing hoping against hope that she would not be spotted. I groaned. I mean, if I have to get rid of M then this silly girl should not do suicidal and risky acts like being caught in a men’s innerwear section by prospective mom in law to be!! Gimme a break!!! But it was too late. Petrified the poor gal stuffed the carry bag with what looked like a size XXXL of Jockey and ran to the Payout counter. She paid hastily and was out of the place in a jiffy…sweating profusely.

I was heartbroken!! The only other way I can get M out of that room is by dragging him by a bulldozer and that is not feasible as I do not know how to drive one. So my only hope was this silly stupid girl!!!

Sighing I settled down to the monotony of watching shoppers shop when I espied T, another admirer. My hopes soared again. I said a quick round of Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers and crossed my fingers for added effect. (If a wandering sage were to come and ask me stand on my head, I would have done that too!)

T sashayed in waving and smiling gloriously till she saw my Amma! The smile froze and she did a 180 degree about turn. Before I could say “noooooo” she was face to face with the Maternity Clothes line. I groaned again! The room, with its mauve walls that I would paint and the matching curtains that I would buy after T and M are married and gone, seemed to disappear before my very inner eyes. T frantically pretended to shop and when she couldn’t take the tension anymore, grabbed a few maternity dresses and ran to the Payout counter. I wanted to cry! You DO NOT want prospective mom in laws to see you buying maternity clothes. *sob*

After T’s departure everything was humdrum again. Then V came in…and walked right out as she saw my Mom some where in the periphery of her vision. The experienced gal she is, she didn’t need to turn her head to ascertain and get caught.

While I was sulking at the thought of going back to my cramped room, in walked H. My hopes soared again!! This time I prayed to all the Angels and Saints that Mom stays put in Foodworld. She has this uncanny ability to appear when M is about to say the worst pick up line in the world. How do you expect that poor guy to get hitched and clear the room for me huh? Hummph!!!

H was lucky. She could say a “Hi” before Mom landed up from somewhere. The poor girl had no place to run. While my mom looked at M quizzically, a hush seem to fall over the bustling floor. And while the silence strained to hear what H would say, H went red, stammered and said “Turn right for the Greeting Card section, Sir!”


p.s To forget my dejection, I have decided to go on a vacation. Hopefully when I return, I will be back to my cheerful self with a license to drive a bulldozer to boot. See you all later folks. Have a nice week!

p.p.s I voted!! I wish I could show you the finger err… I mean a photo proof, but today is Mothers Day and I have decided to be kind to mine. Happy Mothers Day to all the mommies! Mines up for sale.

Friday, May 02, 2008

You got me trippin', stumbling, flippin' my lid off!

Me: You have the Lyrics of that Fergie song?
D (14 yr old cousin) : What did you say???
Me: I asked for the Lyrics of that latest Fergie number!
D (derisively): It is Fer-gee and not Fur-gee!
Me (tightly): Really? Sorry. I will remember!
D: That’s okay! If you don’t know how to pronounce a word, better not say it!
Me: By the way, do you like my new Neekay shoes?
D: What?!!!!
Me: I said, do you like my new Neekay shoes!
D: *gasp* Thats Nike and not Neekay!
Me: Wotever!! But did you like it?
D (frostily): It is Nike!
Me: he he you sound like a dark!
D (going blue in the face): It is DORK and not DARK for chrissakes!!!
Me: Yeah, big deal! btw your pal Naomi called.
D (panicking): I hope you didn’t talk to her?
Me: I said “hi dewdette” (dudette) and she started giggling and hung up! Strange!!
D(shrieking) : You said what?????? Oh my God!!! *swoon* *thud*

And Silverine walks off triumphantly into the sunset, smoking gun and all to a very retro music from Nellie Furtado playing in the background. Strike one to the very fossilized and ancient in their 20’s generation. Tee hee.

Oops! I hope I got that “tee hee” right!! brrr

The first six words in the title of this post is a Fergie number that I am undecided about. I mean, I don't know whether I love it or hate it.