Monday, January 26, 2009

Clause and Effect

Flash News

Mumbai: The Taj Mahal Hotel which was insured against a terror attack will soon be rebuilt without much cost to the company we are told. According to a Press Release, the Management of the Hotel was delighted when they got the bill. It was promptly sent over to their Insurance Company for settlement. The Insurance Company was also reportedly delighted to have been of assistance. They declined the coffee and croissants however citing acute nausea.

Reacting to this news in a hurriedly organized Press Conference, The Insurance Companies Association of India (TICA) announced several new coverage schemes for buildings big and small against terror attacks.

A spokesperson for TICA said that "the attack on the Taj Mahal has bought the issue of terrorism into our Reception, single bedrooms, double bedrooms, Honeymoon Suite, Presidential Suite, Patisserie, Bar, Chinese restaurant, Sushi Bar, Italian restaurant, Afghan restaurant, the Grand Ballroom, Business Center etc. It has therefore become imperative for Insurance Companies to take a relook at the existing schemes that cover terror attack and make it more comprehensive to help business offset losses suffered due to damage to buildings and infrastructure due to terrorist attacks and or acts of war."

The news was greeted with relief by beleaguered businesses reeling under the recession and threats of attack by terrorists. When queried by a reporter about the conditions and clauses of these new schemes, the spokesperson said "Ahem!" He declined to comment further.

Under conditions of anonymity an association member revealed that a building will be considered a victim of terror attack if the terrorists -

1. Were not from a neighboring country
2. Did not speak Urdu or Hindi
3. Do not like Amitabh Bachchan movies and or were fans of Shah Rukh Khan, Aishwarya Rai, Salman Khan etc ( For full list see Annexure I)
4. Did not carry automatic weapons but used only a butter knife for the operation, (though a provision under Rule 456, Section ii provides for allowing a Fruit Knife and or Swiss knife attack at an additional premium of Rs 50,000/- per month. For full list of weapons see the Kitchen Implements section of your department store)
5. Have not at any point in their life watched/owned a pirated Bollywood movie
6. Have not at any point in their life heard/owned pirated Bollywood music
7. Have not at any point in their life owned an illegal Reliance Connection
8. Possessed only one valid Passport
9. And only one legal verified SIM card connection
10. Are medically certified to suffer from sea sickness
11. Had not entered the country illegally
12. Were honest and law abiding citizens

The spokesperson added "I forgot to mention the Spa and Health Club in the third paragraph."

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Doubting Thomasina

“Come on girl you can do it” I told myself for the nth time. “Don’t lose heart. You can do it. Let go of the feelings that you cannot. Think positive!!!” I urged myself. But it was of no use. I had lost the ability to gossip! :( This is a tragedy of epic proportions peoples for a girl like me. It is like losing the will to live!!

My friends despaired. Conversations with me were becoming difficult.

Friend 1: Did you hear that Rohan is cheating on Anjana!!
Me: Bullshit!!
Friend 2: Really???? Wow!!! Err… I mean how sad. That black guard!!
Friend 3: That f*****g ba****d!!!!
Me: Hey!! Stop right there! How do you know that for sure???
Friend 1: What’s wrong with you? Did you not hear me saying that Rohan cheated on Anjana with Sheryl?
Me: What’s the proof?
Friends: *collective gasp of horror*

My friends tried every trick in the girly book to make me see sense.

Friend 1 (kindly): Listen Anju, just a year ago you had no problem in putting two and two together …
Friend 2: …and coming up with 22!!
Friend 3: And sometimes 222!
Friend 4: And sometimes…
Me (hastily): I get the picture!
Friend 1: Why are you insisting on 4 now, for god sakes!!!! What’s happened to you?
Me: I guess I have finally got my Math right hmmm?
Friends: *thwack!!!!*
Me: *******

Even the ladies in the family were getting worried. Instead of getting ready for the marriage racket err marriage market, I beg your pardon, I meant marriage, I was instead getting ready to attain Nirvana!! With Sr. Alphonsa attaining Sainthood there was no need for another saint in the district was the united verdict. The concerned aunts decided that I needed to be retrained in the art of womanliness.

Aunt one: Mole, a girl is regarded as a girl only if she has some feminine guile.
Me: How do you know that?
Aunt one: err I just know… besides your Uncle also agrees. Now listen to me mole, a woman should indulge in some healthy amount of gossip you know to keep her feminity intact!
Aunt two (earnestly): Very true!! Susan is right. Even my husband says that he loves it when I gossip *giggle*
Me (under my breath): That’s because he is a bloody woman!
Aunt three (triumphantly): Exactly!! It is womanly to gossip mole!!!
Aunt two (earnestly): As long as it is healthy gossip!
Me: How will I know if it is healthy gossip or not!
Aunt one: Ente karthave!*
Aunt two: Ente daivame!*
Aunt three: Ente maadhave!*

The following week when my aunts were conducting a Prayer Meeting for my soul, I had this conversation with an elderly Ammachi who was sitting in the verandah saying Rosary!

Me: Ammachi, what is happening to me? I don’t believe in hearsay anymore!
Ammachi: Mmm you are growing up my child!
Me: Err what about my aunts? They are older than me and still gossip!
Ammachi (eyebrows arched): You call them grown up?
Me (gloomily): It is so manly not to gossip they say!
Ammachi: %$@& who told you that!!! Their men are worse than them!!!!
Me (brightening up): *whew* I thought I had it. This was the end of the road for me.
Ammachi (sarcastically): Koche! Wearing pants or saree doesn’t make you a man or a woman. It is what is inside that makes you what you are! Understood? *wonk* wonk* Damn it I cannot even wink anymore...sigh!
Me: ewwww!

I am now pursuing a refresher course in ‘Appreciating Gossip’! Tips and tricks welcome. Please donate generously!


Saturday, January 10, 2009

A gender bender

I had this conversation with a Punju colleague on Friday.

He: I like girls who swear!
Me: Really?
He: Yes!!! Girls who do not swear are so sissy and so so...(he fumbled for a suitable word)
Me (sarcastically): So girly?
He (triumphantly): Yes!!!!!
Me: OMG!!
He (smirking): heh heh
Me (piling on the sarcasm): I guess you would like a lil bit of mustache and a 5 'o' clock stubble on your girl too yeah?
He (thinking deeply): Hmmm...
Me (getting up hastily): err...never mind!

He tried calling me several times but rising nausea prevented me from taking the call. I am dreading Monday. Maybe I will wear a burqah to office to avoid detection.

Note to self: Never end a conversation with a rhetorical question. Some people do not know the meaning of a rhetorical question. Ditto with 'sarcasm.' Sigh!