Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Meeting your match - a 'seedy' tale of two duds.

Purab, my nice colleague was looking very disturbed. Now and then other guy colleagues came and offered words of encouragement and pats of camaraderie. I was instantly interested. I smelt a nice juicy story. Putting on my best fake “concerned expression” I walked over to another guy colleague….let’s call him “Pansy Prabhu”. Or PP as we gals lovingly call him. PP always gives us the dirt. And PP did not disappoint us this time too.

PP told me a rather sad tale of betrayal and double ‘facedness' and treachery of people that nearly broke my heart. Here is Purab’s sad story as told by PP.

Purab is living like most bachelors on the first floor of a house owned by an old thaatha (grandpa) and thaathi (grandma). Thaatha is immobile while thaathi is a sprightly 80. When Purab went house hunting, he faced the same problems bachelors everywhere faced. Landlords refusing to give the house unless he was married or staying with parents etc. With great difficulty he convinced thaathi to give him the house.

Thaathi I may be a North Indian Brahmin, but I am a Brahmin like you!
So, I don’t eat meat, or drink or womanize.
Which means you were born of Immaculate Conception yeah???
Err no, I mean I will strictly womanize with my future wife wonly thaathi.
Okay, okay! You can move in tomorrow. You know the rules right?
*Pumping his fists inside* Of course thaathi!!!

Purab settled in with a sigh of relief. He would leave for office everyday and thaathi would open the door for the maid to cook and clean and lock up after the maid left. On his part, Purab shared any nice movie he got with thaathi and did the odd shopping for her. Life was smooth, happy and full of empty bottles and chicken bones taken surreptitiously out of the room in the nights.

One day a friend, let’s call him “Satish” called with exciting news. He had a “CD” he said. A rare CD that he had got for one night only. A CD so rare that he dared not leave it at his home where his folks might discover and make it even rarer. Purab decided that the CD would be safe in his house and Satish left it on his refrigerator. Then both left for office with a shady smile on their faces. Around 11 ‘o’ clock, people in the office saw Purab rushing out of the office. He had just realized that the maid would come and thaathi would open the door and perhaps discover the CD.

Horrible images of being bodily thrown out of the house rushed before him as he tore through the roads towards home. He reached home and flew up the stairs like the wind and saw to his relief that the CD was on the fridge. He quickly locked it in his cupboard, drank a glass of water, thanked all the Gods in the Hindu pantheon and came back to office.

In the night, booze bottles adorned his room as the pals toasted to the “acquisition’. After a few drinks they put on the CD…and watched open mouthed as the mellifluous sound of bansuri (flute) filled the house. Then Krishna Kanhaiyya appeared on the screen and played a melodious solo. The pals rubbed their eyes. Then Radha started singing a devotional song so sweet that rumors has it that the alcohol in the bottles evaporated leaving behind pure amrit. Purab looked at Satish. Satish looked at Purab. Then they both looked at the TV screen and turned pale when Meera began a rather long but soulful bhajan. To cut a very long story short, Satish was thrown violently out of the house.

Next day Satish called Purab. The CD belonged to a guy who was six feet tall and kinda muscular. Six footer had his feet on Satish’s face and was getting kinda impatient. Purab was now convinced that there indeed was a CD and decided to interrogate his maid. He needn’t have. She told him calmly that thaathi had taken the CD as usual and returned it after seeing the “movie”. Purab gulped and turned white. Visions of being kicked out of the house crowded his mind. He did not see Satish walking into thaathi’s house to ask for the CD. He was back shortly. Apparently thaathi insisted that “Krishna Kanhaiyya” was the movie she had borrowed and “returned” and she wanted to know which “other” CD Satish was talking about. Satish said he was talking about Krishna Kanhaiya only and beat a hasty retreat.

The boys now look at thaathi with a new respect but with averted eyes and give her the wide berth...with averted eyes

p.s. did I say the sad tale of betrayal and double ‘facedness' and treachery of people nearly broke my heart? Sorry that should read - the sad tale of betrayal and double ‘facedness' and treachery of people nearly broke my jaws due to excessive laughter. Have a nice week folks!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Dropping hints

There are some guys who seem severely challenged, when it comes to deciphering a girl’s lack of interest in them. They seem to misread the simple yet pointed signals a girl sends out which says “Eff off!!”. This post is dedicated to such guys, mostly in their 20’s who think they are God’s gift to woman kind.I thought I will clear up the air for them for me and my sisterhood.

So how do you know that a girl is not interested in you?

1. She tells you frankly that she is not interested in you.
2. She calls you aside and tells you leave her alone when you ignore Point No1.
3. She tells you to that she hates the bl**dy sight of you when you ignore Point No 1 and 2.
4. She starts avoiding you when you ignore Point No 1, 2 and 3.
5. She throws you a vicious body punch when you try to talk to her after Point No 3 and 4.
6. She takes the card you sent and tears it to bits and stuffs it down your throat with a stick when you ignore Point No 4 and 5.
7. She takes the flowers you sent, crushes it to a pulp and stuffs you into the flowers vase and throws you out of the window.
8. She forwards all your mails to your Team Lead and HR with a formal complaint.
9. She forwards all your mails from your fake email ID to your Team Lead and HR with a formal complaint.
10. She files a police complaint against you.
11. She gets a restraining order against you.
12. She hires a few people to break your leg.
13. Then she hires some more people to break the other leg. (When “all above” doesn’t work.)
14. She ties you to a hot air balloon and sets you into the blue yonder.
15. She kidnaps your parents and asks for a ransom of your resignation and relocation to another part of the country.
16. She lures you to the top of a tall building and pushes you down!
17. She replaces all the songs in your IPod with Himesh Reshammiya.
18. She ties you up on the railway track!

There are more….but it’s no point elucidating the same. Some people just don’t get the hint.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Madren lav staries

Story one - Tragedy

Girl meets boy
Boy asks girl out
Girl likes boy

Girl goes home, Googles boy
Finds him on Orkut, Facebook and Twitter
Girl checks out boy's social networking accounts
Girl dumps boy

Story two - Romance

Girl meets boy
Boy ask girl out
Girl likes boy

Girl Googles boy
Finds him on Orkut, Facebook and Twitter
Girl checks out boy's social networking accounts
Girl decides to keep meeting boy

Ah! Modern love stories are so uncomplicated no? No more getting to know each other better. Most info about yourself is on social networking accounts already. And that is why I do not have a Facebook or Orkut account and my Twitter account is protected tee hee

Have nice worry-full weekend, all ye guys :p

Monday, March 08, 2010

The white elephant

Mom was going away for the weekend. And she did what she usually does before she leaves….stuff the fridge with ‘customized’ eatables so that that her darling babykins ( a.k.a my middle brother) does not starve. He is a non vegetarian by religion and eating vegetables is against his religious and personal principles. And since the cook doesn’t make continental food, mom cooked and stuffed the fridge with various continental delicacies and left a note on the fridge, to reinforce some instructions given to his deaf ears earlier in the day.

1. Do not leave empty dishes in the fridge. Put them to wash.
2. If there is little food left in the dish, transfer to a smaller dish and put the dish for washing.
3. Put the dish for washing in the sink.
4. Do not give the dogs pasta or I will make kanji for you next time.
5. The coleslaw is in the orange tiffin. To be used for burgers and rolls only. Do not use as dip.
6. There is buns and rolls in the cupboard. Do not eat plain sausages.
7. Drink water.
8. I have boiled veggies to go with your pasta.
9. Make sure you eat the veggies with the pasta.

After mom had left we i.e. me, dad and my eldest brother looked at the scribbled instructions and then looked around to see if the coast was clear and added another point at the bottom.

10. Make sure you take a spoon of Sat Isabgol (laxative) every night.

Precious prince is looking all befuddled and confused at the message and grumbles about the tasteless Sat Isabgol which he has to take every night on mommykins orders.

We are having a hard time keeping a straight face.

We have also decided that we will not clear the empty dishes from the fridge and the maid has been threatened with a painful death if she dares remove them. We are hoping that when mommykins comes and beholds the fridge, she will hopefully whack sonnykins ears or maybe slap him about or perhaps give him a thrashing with the broom. Of course, nothing of that sort will happen. But the thought is soooo nice.

Have a nice week folks.

Monday, March 01, 2010

While I was sleeping

Warning: Long post

“You know what Anjali…” said a pro blogger amongst my colleagues. “ I am turning 25 this year and that scares me.”

“Why should a birthday scare you?” I asked tactlessly.

Arey, I am 25, with no life and no clue where my life is headed!” he exclaimed mournfully.

“So why are you telling me this? What can I do yaar.” I replied trying to read the magazine that I was trying to read since he plonked himself next to me.

“You are a happy go lucky girl yaar. No care in the world. I talk to you in the hope that some of that happiness rubs off on me too.” He said with a woebegone face.

“Look, I do not posses any magic mantra to be happy.I just don’t sit and moan like you all at everything and anything. You either pick up happiness or sadness. The choice is yours.” I looked at him briefly. “Anyway what is bothering you? You have a good job, nice folks, and a home of your own….”

“There are parts of my life that are exciting. Very exciting.” He said smiling goofily.

“And what are they, pray tell me. When you go out to have a cigarette?” I asked sarcastically.

“ No!” he said shaking his head vigorously. “Having a cigarette is great but there are other things too.”

I looked at him in disbelief!

“Today I was reading about Domain Authority & Page Authority Metrics at this Search Engine Optimization (SEO) blog.” He said animatedly. “And the site had a very exciting feature….” He finished breathlessly.

“And what was that err feature?” I asked uninterested.

“A NEW LINK CHECKER AND BACKLINK ANALYSIS TOOL!!!!!!!!!” he shouted scaring me out of my wits.

“Err that sounds umm nice.” I said, looking desperately around for an excuse to escape.

“And tomorrow..” he continued animatedly “we are having a small blogger meet up to discuss metrics that gives us insight and intelligence on blog , domains, and link profiles, as well as why these metrics can be a better predictor of ranking success than others that may have been used in the past!!” he finished panting breathlessly.

He looked at me his eyes shining ,“You wanna join us?”

“Nooooooooo!!! I mean I think I have something planned for tomorrow evening.” I said desperately.

“Anyway Arnab (not his real name)” I said evasively, trying to change the boring topic. “What do you after you go home from office?”

“I like to read” he said.

“What do you like to read?” I asked kindly.

“Well…” he said his eyes far away. “Right now I am reading ‘Do E-books Create Personal Brands’.”

I nearly fell off the chair in shock.

“What!!! I mean how interesting” I said recovering quickly and trying not to show my disgust. “Why don’t you read something light like ‘Dear John’ by Nicholas Sparks. I can lend it to you if you want.

“Arey Anjali, do you want to kill my brain cells? Who reads such trash!!” he said scornfully.

“I do” said I trying not to slap him.

“Haha yaar. Mazaak mat kar. You seriously read such books? You need a life, fast.” he said chuckling and shaking his head.

“I thought we were discussing “your” lack of life vis a vis mine.” I said barely able to control my temper.

“You are right yaar. Thanks for reminding me. Anyway don’t tell me to read such book please.” he pleaded.

“Very well Arnab. Let’s look at “other” ways to make your life interesting.” I said resignedly. “You have a girlfriend?” I asked.

“I had.” he said briefly.

“What happened?” I ask trying not to appear too nosey.

Hamare vichaar alag the. She and I were poles apart.” He said moodily.

“Could you please elaborate?” I asked knowing full well what was to come.

“Well…we never agreed on anything. I mean she wanted to go to the movies, I preferred to watch a podcast. Then, she liked to go for long walks while I preferred to use that time for recording a Podcast. They have such interesting topics! Have you seen Livestream? Amazing site for Live Streaming.” He finished looking really excited.

“Jesus Christ!’ I swore. “You need a complete alteration of your life man. Or we will have a holiday the day after you swing from the fan!!”

Arey, suicide tho cowards karthe hain. I have too much to live for.” He said dreamily.

“Like?” I asked, regretting that question for the rest of my life.

I dunno what happened after that. But I went into a deep slumber and dreamt of being chased by……auto generated text, Google analytics, linkscape index SEO best practices, HTTP status codes, affiliate sites and some other horrible stuff.

Someone shook me awake. It was Foxy. Arnab was nowhere to be seen.

“What are you sleeping here for?” he asked “And what was that Arnab talking to you while you slept?”

“How long have I been sleeping!” I asked drowsily. “Over half an hour” said Foxy.

“Where is Arnab?” I asked not particularly interested in knowing his whereabouts.

“He said something about getting some printouts for you and left” said Foxy. “Apparently you said that you would be interested in attending this SEO conference in Delhi.

“What!!!” I sat up bolt upright. “I said what??” I repeated stupidly.

“Ha ha Anjali. If I were you I would start packing. And don’t forget to take “Dummies guide to Pro Blogging.” chuckled Foxy.

“Why” I asked stupidly.

“Because you agreed to give a talk about your experience of going pro!” said Foxy laughing hysterically.

I am on indefinite leave from today.