Thursday, May 25, 2006

Oru Ancient Veera Gaatha

Long time ago in the early 1900’s a nubile young mallu lady was walking on the bund that separated the paddy fields owned by her family with that of another family. She was very pretty and very sexy* (loosely translated from the mallu word *wottahotbabe).

A virile young mallu turk was working in the other field and as fate would have it, their paths crossed. And since the virile young mallu turk was straight (as the whole Gay thing had not happened back then) an appreciative whistle escaped his lips. The young lass blushed when she heard the whistle and glanced shyly at the whistler. He was good-looking with a thin pencil moustache and stylish Weaver Bird Nest hairstyle. ( This particular hairstyle made men look at least three feet taller and hence was a rage in those days)

The sunlight glistened off his coconut-oiled hair. His well-muscled hands and legs were caked with mud from working in the fields. The nubile young mallu lady, like all nubile young ladies of her time fluttered her eyelashes and bit her lip in embarrassment and walked back home giggling. The virile young mallu turk watched her receding back appreciatively disregarding the fast drying mud on his hands and legs.

An innocent incident you must think. But this is mallu land. A verdant land of mountains that were actually mole hills. No mallu worth his salt will leave a mole hill unheightened. Unknown to the young couple curious eyes had observed the incident and the news was quickly disseminated via the various village media channels to all and sundry and their neighbors. (Media planning is an ancient mallu art.) All hell broke lose when the news was received in homes, kallu shaaps (toddy shops) and chaaya kadaas (tea shops) and the Parish Priest’s office ( the Priests attendant, known as the ‘Kapiiyaru’ has a wider reach than Doordarshan).

People discussed the incident at length and those of you who have read Mallu Whispers can guess the final Edited version of the news that was passed on word of mouth. According to the final version of the news, our virile young mallu turk had grabbed the fair and delicate wrist of the nubile young mallu lady, causing her to shriek and run home as fast as her mundu allowed. (which is a little faster than a tortoise but not as fast as a KSRTC bus)

That evening, blood curdling howls were heard in the valley. People attributed it to the evil spirits, but the howl was actually the painful moans of the virile young mallu turk scrubbing the mud off his body with coconut fibre at the creek. (He swore never to use coconut fibre again)

The next day at the young lass’s house a battle cry was sounded at 8 am. ( because the rooster failed to crow at the appointed hour of 6 am. The useless rooster in the chicken coup was in the habit of catching 40 winks in the morning. Many a war expedition in ancient Kerala was delayed due to lazy roosters. It was an alarming trend).

It was a Sunday and hence the expedition to the lad’s house was further delayed as Velliyammachi had made Appam and Stew. No one dared ignore her Appam and Stew even if the Appam tasted like rancid rubber sheet and the meat in the stew was tougher than MRF tyres. The chicken stew was always made from the meat of the last rooster who refused to crow. (Velliyammachi was a prolific rooster shopper. She bought one every week)

It was many generations later that someone discovered the reason for the toughness of meat in Velliyammachi’s stew. By then it was too late. 1456476 roosters had died in her quest for the perfect Chicken Stew.

Groaning under the heavy breakfast and indigestion the men in the family set off for the virile young mallu turk’s house. The bewildered family of the virile young mallu turk was taken aback to see a group of irate achayans come marching up the driveway (we had driveways back then for kaala vandi’s i.e. bullock carts). The achayans were fuming due to the over spiced stew and grimacing due to the indigestible Appams. It made a terrifying sight. (It was decided enroute that next time they will feed the enemy Velliyammachi’s Appam and Stew as a defensive war maneuver.)

The incensed men of the nubile young mallu lady’s family berated the virile young mallu turks family for raising a rapacious son. The family of the young lad stoutly defended his innocence and called the young lass a charlatan. This enraged the young lass’s family and a war of words ensued. The indigestion didn’t help matters and to cut the narrative short both families decided to cut off ties and vowed never to have anything to do with each other again. (The brave young mallu turk watched the proceeding with great interest from the safety of the cowshed).

After the dust had settled and the cackling of the chickens had died down, the virile young mallu turk was hauled from the cowshed and made to confess his sins at the church. The young lad like a good Christian recounted his escapades er…sins with great sincerity. The Confession went on for over two hours they say. Soon after the confession the priest died of a massive heart attack. (According to local legend his last words were “aarrrgh why did I have to join the priesthood?”)

The young lass were hurriedly married off before every eligible boy’s parents got to know of her er….encounter. (There were different classes of encounters in Kerala those days. This was Class I which was very negligible followed by Class II, Class III etc. I guess you get the idea by now).

The enmity between these two families is over six generations old now.

But the ghost or genes of the two young lovers have come to haunt the hormones of the new generation again. A boy from the young mallu turk’s family ( i.e. my family) is in love with a lass from the nubile young mallu lady’s family. The families are aghast, scandalized and incensed ( not particularly in that order). Elders from both sides refused to give permission for the union.

The two young rebels finally eloped and got married between a rape and a murder. (What I am trying to say is that they got married in court. The registration took place between a murder case and a rape case.)

And thus ended the enmity that was six generations old. Amen.

75 comments:

mathew said...

wow!!This can easily make a 999 episode mega soap!!!!!
just made me remind of nasir and sheela when u desciribed the cast!!! :)

Matter of Choice said...

hehe...title itself is the greatest ROFL :))

the story sounds familiar...i guess one such story exists for every mallu family :)

weaver bird hairstyle!!...this was a rage not so long ago too...me remember half my school mates desperately trying out this hairstyle...even now some of them claim to have the above mentioned style though me thinkx a bald-headed eagle style is a more suitable name

bring it on!!!

MoC

Mind Curry said...

haha..what imagination..awesome..the saga goes on in mallu land huh?

i am so glad the young couple were human enough to fall in love and bold enough to get married.

loved the veera gatha.

:)

shruti said...

hmm...very interestin ..gives a lot of insight into MAllu land ...on esimple incident narated with style ..made it evry interesting

Anonymous said...

It can very well be titled as Oru Ancient Naariya Gaatha!!

Nikhil Narayanan said...

Peace

DD said...

Awesome one! "Blood curdling howl" had me trying hard to control myself, but the "priesthood" part truly had my cabinmates look at me with curios interest as i tried my best to laugh in 'silent mode' :)

Punoos said...

This is superlative writing. Awesome, too good, mind blowing. Keep this up and you could well be credited for a mallu re-awakening. Every single mallu in my office is glued to the monitor and guess what? ...they are not working :-))

PK

stan_da_man said...

lol..niceeyyy!
its difficult to understand y we mallus make Everests out of plain innocent paddy fields...perhaps its cos we have too many "vaayils" there..hehe.

pophabhi said...

Nice one, Silver!
It really reminded Nazir and Sheela. I think the priest must have been Adoor Bhaasi

Sreejith Kumar said...

I am to call the police to book you. The charge is so apparent. You are essaying to bilk my work!!! This story could be filmed as somewhat Chemmeen-like, made in a rice paddy. Thrilling if Madhu and Sheela play the leads. My heart goes out to that priest though!

PS:- We shall grease the cops' palms. Please do write more ;-)

Alit said...

thinking of the hapless lad who was watching the word-war unfolding, standing in the cowshed -;))
too good silverine -:)

zimblymallu said...

wottahotbabe? don't you mean "chooda" instead of hottie.
example. "wow, you're so chooda."

Biju said...

'Weaver Bird Nest hairstyle' Hahaha. I couldn't control my laughter. The best part was, it never moved an inch coz the oil would hold them well enough. Awesome Saga!!

Kusum Rohra said...

Silverine ... One MUAH to you... girl how do you write so damn well??

Bring them on more often.

Alexis Leon said...

Nice and rollicking narrative. I was ROFL while reading the post.

I could easily identify each of the scenes and characters in the story as they exist in almost all families in our area.

No one dared ignore her Appam and Stew even if the Appam tasted like rancid rubber sheet and the meat in the stew was tougher than MRF tyres. ROFL

And the priests had a wonderful time those days. They get to hear all the gossips right from the horse’s mouth and in those days most priests had no aversion to good food, wine, IMFL, Kallu, etc. Many of them used to smoke imported cigarettes or cigars. And the ‘Kapiiyaru’ (priest’s assistant) is another fixture in every parish.

Excellent post.

silverine said...

Mathew: Well I must admit I had to take inspiration from our B/W movies as I had to write about something that happened six generations ago :)

MoC:Thank you ! You have always liked the titles :)
"though me thinkx a bald-headed eagle style is a more suitable name" ROFLAO
I have seen many old photos and have actually seen the styles. It used to be called kuruvikoodu I think :))

Mind Curry: They did marry in church later. The mallu saga will def roll on here as long as I blog. There is more on the way :))

Shruti: Thank you so much dear. Your comments are an inspiration.

Anon: You into Title Outsourcing? :))

Nikhil:And there was peace! :)

Deepak: Thanks buddy. Laughing in 'silent mode' he he I do that too in office LOL

Punoos: Hey you are working now? I thought you were studying. Thanks for the kind words.

stan_da_man:Thank you! Everest Hill out of paddy fields it is!!! :))

Pophabhi: It is an old story so I guess my narration reminds one of old movies :)

Dr. Pissed said...

Muhahahaha

But now I really know why your in the Communications Industry. Media planning is an ancient mallu art! Art then too. ART!! Muhahaha.

Loved the last para. Rape and a Murder it seems. But Amen indeed.

My brother and sister-in-law were never supposed to get married either. In between an attempted suicide, running away from home and staying alone and all that jazz (no reference to the court), her parents hated the idea of their daughter marrying a christian boy. They tried everything, yet they failed. My brother and his wife are happily married now and ironically her folks who hated my brother until a few months ago just bought them furniture worth some 50k.

AMEN indeed.

silverine said...

Sreejith: Thank you!!! And maybe after my spell at the cop station I can write a blog on mallu cops lol Maybe you and me can make a Chemmeen like movie after all. But Madhu as the virile young turk and Sheela as the nubile young mallu lady is er...a far fetched idea :)) But in their younger avatars they would have fit the bill perfectly! :)


Alit: Thanks! I thought you would be inspired to write a sequel like the Saas Bahu post :))

Zimblymallu: 'You are so chooda' sounds like you are addressing a booze bottle ;)


Biju: The first time I saw that style in the photo I too burst out laughing. There are so many such photo but I didnt have persmission to post them here :))


Kusum: Thank you dear. I am so glad I found your blog (or you found me via Jaggu). Now I can chuckle and guffaw in office when I should be working lol

Alexis:I was waiting for your comment eagerly, because I think we come from similar part of Kerala :) Besides you always fill in more intresting tid bits. Hope you have seen a Weaver Bird (WB) hairstyle. I saw a rubber worker with one and was amazed at the gravity defying precarious perch of the kuruvikoodu
My Vellliyammachi was a reputed cook but for literary license I had to make her Appam like MRF Tyres lol I hope she wont haunt me tonight :)) Interesting, what you say about Priests. No wonder the priest died of heart attack. Too much of the good things including confessions ROFLAO
p.s am borrowing the ‘Kapiiyaru’ spelling :))

Dr Pissed : LOL You got me there. Your bro and sis in law are a lucky couple indeed.At least they didn't have to wait six generations :))

Anonymous said...

ha..ha..ha..
loved the kuruvikoodu bit..!!

.... said...

Kudos, Silverine! I'm confused. Who is the nayakan of this Naadan Veera katha? Rooster aano, atho nammude pallile acchano? LOL.

I disagree with you on the fact that the Appam and Stew combination was the root cause of the trouble. In my opinion, it was the "shuddha velichenna" (aka Coconut Oil).

Good Show :-)

calvin said...

where do you come up with these ideas.. Dude I have been searching for a paryaayam for creativity.I have finally found a few.. namley ,Silverine, Anand K et al.

Awesome.
ERR Weaver Bird ? =))

Enigma said...

that was funny!!!
keep writing :)

Beuls said...

I have had a lot of mallu friends but rarely any that actually knew anything abt mallu traditions or lifestyle. Awesome blog and defintely puts a smile on my face everytime I stop by :)

Beuls said...

I have a lot of mallu friends but none with any info on the mallu lifestyle :)
I look forward to more great stuff...your blog always puts a smile on my face.

Paresh Palicha said...

You can beat any screenwriter in Malluwood. We need love stories to give the young actors a chance. Keep up the good work.

If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya said...

girlie, i was feeling so lonely in this hotel room till i read your blog. now i feel like im at home!

lol. truly hilarious. and so so true. another constant down south is how the men always tie up their lungis at the slightest sign of any heightened emotion. it can be happiness, anger, sadness, need to pee - doesn't matter. emotion high. lungi up.

Patty said...

Another fab post! Thank you. Especially appreciated the humor generated at the thought of the two hour confession, and lazy roosters. You've such a gift for story telling. Already looking forward to the next one.

Immigrant in Canada said...

Tht was beautifully written.. I think the achan dieing of heart attack was an 'Innocent"(actor) moment!

Binoy, The One and Only said...

It was a fine read...

But I really wnt to know what he said to the preist!!!

Praveen said...

Wow, an amazing read, really pacy and wonderful flow of words, and the humour is evident as always :).

Mallu turk , eh? havent heard that usage before ;)

starry nights said...

All I can say is AMEN..lovely post.

silverine said...

Anon: Guess I have exhumed the great institution of the kuruvikoodu hairstyle :)

Twinkle: Rooster aano, atho nammude pallile acchano? hmm and that is the million dollar question :)) The young lovers who finally broke the imbroglio were the nayakan & nayaki :)

Aashik: You wont believe it but I got a jolt when I got your mail. Because I had just finished writing the post and could not help marvelling at the coincidence. Thank you for your kind words, but inspiration is a two way street and I would be lying if I say that comments don't make me feel real good ...even the bad ones :p

Enigma: Thank you :)

Beul: That is so sad that your friends don't know their mallu traditions. It is a great loss. In fact forgetting any of our traditions whethere it is Kerala or Kashmir, would be a grievous loss. Am glad you enjoyed the narrative :)

Paresh: Thank you! You are so right. We need to see young faces on the mallu silver screen.

If I Tell Ya girl: emotion high. lungi up. ROFL That was so accurate!!!! Enjoy the city of nizams. Go to Charminar and Abids and go broke shopping. I just loved those places :)


Patty: This was a narration from the place where I am originally from "Kerala". I love the place and love writing about it too :)

Sarah: Achchan's role has gone unanimously to Innocent even in my family circle! I have seen him in movies in the role of a priest. He is marvellous.

Binoy: Whatever he said made the Priest regret celibacy ROFLAO

Praveen: Well aren't all young mallu men 'turks' or they seem to think so LOL Nice to see you here :)

starrynights: Amen :)

Fleiger said...

All I can say is journeys end in lovers meeting... The story started by (VYMT) and NYML finally came to fruition, they will be RIPing in their graves now.

I am sure I had a better point than just this when I started. Anyways, eurfezoc...

calvin said...

:p . You know VKN , you wil have to try (at least ) twice as hard as this. He can get you laughin , and then make you think real hard. Not all of your posts make me think , but almost all got me laughing ..

silverine said...

Fleiger:Guess the star crossed lovers are R'ng IP in their graves now :)

Aashik: There is no way I am gonna try hard to make anyone laugh or think. This is a personal journal and I write for myself like every other blogger. I can understand a writer or journalists responsibility to their readers, but I am a blogger and not a writer or journalist in the strictest sense of the term. I don't have the onus of a VKN to carry :)

suddenlynita said...

from one mallu to another:That was awesome writing!
:)
nita

Anonymous said...

Hats off from all of us! Do drop in when you are in EKM. You have a lot of readers in our college and we would love to meet you.

N and friends

St.Teresa's College EKM

manu said...

nice post. a good read. in btween, it's better we keep a bit of mallu secret to ourselves, lest people would start making money using these insights in their books.

Suji said...

Wonderful veera gaatha! Had me ROFL. You have an amazing style of writing and awesome imagination.

calvin said...

aaargh flames... I hate flames. And I am sorry if I have hurt you in anyway OK ?

Kusum Rohra said...

Heheh same here, me too can laugh and chuckle instead of doing some boring work (shhhh don't tell this to anyone)

The fact that I keep getting thrown out for laughing very unlady like doesn't really matter, anything for a good laugh :D

Ashok 'The Ace' Nair said...

You put Arundhati Roy to shame!!!

AJITH said...

Got here from kerala blog roll..Dont show this to Shyam Sunder..He'll make a new mega serial and make the household of kerala suffer for another 10 years. And, did this really happen ?

Lalit Singh said...

...and peace reigns in malluland.

Awesome!!!!

Goan Pao said...

well alls well that ends well....
Or is it?

scorpigle said...

Mallu sagas - evergreen :)

silverine said...

suddenlynita:Thank you fellow mallu :) I clicked on your link but landed at the livejournal home page!

N and friends: I would love to drop in. Have two cousins studying in your college and I have come there very often. Thanks for the mail too :)

Manu: Welcome back!!! Nice to see Mannanoor Diary up and running! You are the third person telling me this..about keeping our mallu secrets and plagiarism :)) But then untold stories die silent deaths don't they? Someone should recount. Do check this out!

Suji: Thank you suji. Nice to have you at my blog :)

Aashik: Chill dude!!! No one is hurt :))

Kusum: I was reading your latest post and cackling at "after a day of massive pretending to be working at office" :)) LOL
And you said it gurl anything for a good laugh.

Ashok the ace nair: Thank you!! ( if that was a compliment :p)

Ajith: I hope for Kerala households sake that he has not seen this :)) This did happen. Every post here is based on true incidents.Though I add mirch masala to spice up the story ;)

Lalit: Thank you :) Peace never reigns in mallu land. We like to keep ourselves in a constant churn :))

Goan Pav:Alls well at my family end :)

Scorpigle: It's been ages since I saw you and I am glad to see you again. Mallu sagas are evergreen or in your language "peachy" :))

shruti said...

oh ..btw I was thinkin abt ur post .. My father belongs to a small village in haryana district called bondh..My father's father was a landlord there and although I am quite confused we should be belonging to the JAT community for which haryana is famous . Have never been to this place but what I have heard ..if a guy and a girl involve themselves in such activities or actually elope and marry ..they are actually killed off by the families ( especially the girl ) and it happens in today's time and age even if they are happy with each other .

Anonymous said...

such simple situations really... in all your narrations...but delivered with such panache and verve and rib tickling humor..!!!

I am such a big fan.

Abhishek Mathew

Anand K said...

The enmity died with that marriage?!
Hmmmpffffff........ that's a rare happy ending. Usually kudippakas i.e family rivalries only get worse if one scion has the temerity to do a "velichaadal" with an item from the other, right? Remember the Grangerfords and Shepherdsons in Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.... and the tragic fate of the families (or was it only the Grangerfords who got wiped out?)?

Anywayz, here's Uncle Anand's blessings to the lucky couple! ;)

Jackal said...

nice one silverline....

Anoop MohanKumar said...

Hey...now hold that thought. Innocent residents of sacred Mallu land are not so evil. I think you have underplayed the effectiveness of ancient mallu communication (reach).
Thanks to my 80 year old ammuma and her immediate following sisters and brothers of same age; my request for marriage was effectively spread and confirmed positive, and I am definitely not getting married between rapes, murder or land disputes :)
Nice write silverine. Like the touch of historic élan

silverine said...

Shruti: I have heard a lot of stories too about Haryana. About the pitiful number of baby girls allowed to live, girls being killed for honor etc.In my post the tension between families was just an ego problem :)

Abhishek:Thank you dear :)

Anand K: Well.. this wasn't a rivalry on the scale of a Grangerfords and Shepherdsons, just 'smol' ego problem :))
Uncle Anand's blessings are appreciated, but with a Kamandu full of Old Monk please :p

Jackal: Thank you :)

Anoop: Congratulations again buddy and thanks for that note of approval :)

Anonymous said...

TOOOOOOO funny for words!!!! Am doing my best to keep a straight face in office...:-D.
Especially liked the priest's last words....LOL! Keep the veera-gathas coming in...Great job!

Jiby said...

i came in to do a quick email check and make my escape to the cool confines of my "chetta kudil"...did a quick check on kerala blogroll and then ur post wudnt let me leave!!! laughed a lot...especially knowing how fast and twisted news travels in our villages. i used to have a kuruvikoode some time in the mid-90's!!! till ppl convinced me i was going way-too-retro!!!!

my grandmothers have told me so many fascinating tales of long-running village feuds someday i need to blog them down.
infact my appachan was a hero and villain in many of them, my dad almost became a victim to one feud when he was just 15 years old, but grandpa is sad that his sons and grandsons just dont show any of his enthusiasm to carry it on to another generation!!!

Pinkbury said...

closing line...awesome

aks said...

hey silver....hilarious would be a understatement......but cant find a better word in between my laughter convulsions....excellent post...

Anonymous said...

Thus ends an old rivalry, but what about the one between your family and mine? ;)

JK

silverine said...

Anon: Thank you :) Hope to roll out more veer gaatha's if I can remember incidents and stories.

Jiby:lol you too had a kuruvikoodu? You are so right, evn my achachan and his brothers were heroes and villians in some local incidents. I guess every mallu family has them due to our parochial and pastoral social system. Hope you post a few of your veer gaatha's too. I just love to listen to these stories when I go to Kerala.

Pink Berry: Thank you :)

Aks: Long time no see soldier! :) Thank you. I just loved your post dedicated to the gals :)

James: There is no rivalry between our families!! Just that my brother can't stand the sight of you lol

Kautilya said...

Eloping is a gr8 idea.. I mean come on all adrenaline junkies.. are gonna accept that... even if a marriage is arranged.. elope and marry....

well on th eserious side of it.. it take a lot of guts to do that.. ok trust me....
ur's truly has played an active part in makin atleast 3 couples elope!!! and almost got trashed by the parents and family of atleast 2 couples...
2 outta 3 chance of getting trashed.. hmm seem like I have work on it.....
well my sympathies to those poor parents and their family and hell... all the best to the eloped couple.... well done and very well done!

Jithu said...

that was an interesting narrative :-)

monu said...

wow ..looks like "god father"(malayalam) movie :D

silverine said...

Kautilya: Eloping does take guts :)

Jithu: That was an interesting observation ;)

Monu: Really? :))

Jithu said...

that was a kind remark :-)

silverine said...

@Jithu: I never suggested it wasn't :))

Manasi said...

Wow!! Lovely story! That's why its said films depict real life :)

silverine said...

@manasi: It's true isnt it that films depict real life, at least the old ones did. Thanks for visiting :)

Inji Pennu said...

hehehe! you are really funny!
Reminds me of my big fat greek wedding. Where are you from? Looks like some place in Kottayam or nearby?

silverine said...

@lg:Thank you. The big fat greek wedding reminded me of our Indian weddings :) We are from Pala.

The Smiling Girl said...

This one is an awesome masterpiece!!! :)

Alameen said...

...The families are aghast, scandalized and incensed ( not particularly in that order) ...

Hahahahhaha...
You made my day....

How i wish i started blogging a bit early so as to read your blogs on time...

Keep penning
AlAmeen

scorpiogenius said...

@ alameen, i echo your thoughts.. I'm also another late entrant to blogosphere and especially to 'poomanam'.

Nevertheless, the essence of the tales are still afresh..I'm sure i wont be the last one to comment on these old jewels.

Well written Silverine.

Sebastian said...

This is a masterpiece!

Destiny's child... said...

Lol...too good.
I am talking about oru ancient veera geetha. Late (add more l's or e's or t's for effect)comment I know, but it was just fab!