‘Anju’ said my senior Gult colleague as he walked up to my work station. “Let’s go for a walk.”
“Why? Is there no other bakra willing to come with you?” I asked sympathetically.
“No” he admitted dejectedly.
“You poor thing” I exclaimed as I locked my lappie, secretly thanking my stars for the break from the ongoing wrestling match with Excel, in which Excel is currently winning and will perhaps emerge victorious by the end of the day, according to the punters in the office. Brisk betting is going on. The odds are 2000 to 1 against me. Sigh.
I locked the desk drawers and the both of us walked out of the building. My Gult (Telugu) colleague, is one of those MIT types who was kicked out of MIT because they had nothing else to offer him anymore. Hence the intellectual gap between him and me is roughly twice the distance from the Sun to its farthest neighbor. Which is very very very very far even I know.
My colleague like all Gult babies was named to ensure that no computer form in the world will have enough columns to accommodate his name. When he travels abroad, he usually lends his laptop to accommodate the tail end of his name on the various official computers. We lovingly call him Foxy, which is shortened from “"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” a 35-letter phrase that uses all the letters of the English alphabet. His name, according to his parents has all the Telugu alphabets in it you see and hence the logic.
Foxy breathed a heavy sigh and looked at the blue yonder for sometime. He seemed fascinated by a lady who looked like a sack of Watermelons, playing Golf. He tore his eyes away from what would have been considered a classically beautiful figure a few centuries ago and looked at me.
Foxy: You know I like you mallu gals.
Me: Thank you!
Foxy: You guys are so down to Earth and…
Me: And?
Foxy: And….*waves his hand in circles*
Me: Buxom?
Foxy ( horrified): No!!! Noooo! I meant wholesome!
Me: So?
Foxy: Our gals on the other hand have a mind of their own!
Me: errr ok! Is that good or bad?
Foxy: Bad! Very bad I tell you!
Me: My condolences.
I think of one of my closest friend, I mean very close friend, make it bestest buddy…she reads this blog you know and is on very close terms with one bhai who lives across the border. Close terms as in several transactions close. Now this gal will not be too happy to hear this. She is Gult you see and has a mind of her own.
Foxy kept one leg on the low wall like NTR in a Telugu blockbuster and sighed again. The watermelon lady was nowhere to be seen.
Foxy: I am 38 you know and quite set in my ways!
Me: Let me sum up the situation here… you are set in your ways and any prospective bride will have a mind of her own right?
Foxy: Right!
Me: You will die a bachelor, man!
Foxy wandered over to the fountain and sat at its edge like a Telugu superstar in a mythological block buster. I followed him. This was getting fun! The waters gurgled and giggled. A soft breeze caressed our face. Foxy seemed oblivious to all this.
Foxy: *sigh*
Me: Did you say anything!
Foxy: My parents want me to get settled you know!
Me: Quite understandable. You are not getting any younger!
Foxy: Don’t rub it in!
Me: Sorry!
Foxy: And you know the problems with our girls….
Me: Lemme guess…they have a mind of their own right?
Foxy: Exactly!
Me: Why don’t you marry a non gult girl then? *under my breath* "A zombie perhaps?"
Foxy: My parents will never allow that.
Me: You are in a jam, man!
Foxy: Precisely! Which is why I have decided to remain a bachelor.
Me: err... then why all this exercise. I mean calling me out and going through this soul searching?
Foxy: I like talking to you. You listen…and don't talk back. The others are pretty set in their ways you know. They have a mind of their own!
Me: I am glad you are not getting married.
Foxy: Me too!
Me: I am glad for a different reason though.
Foxy: Huh?
Me: Never mind!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Monday, June 09, 2008
When you can't beat them...
Email exchange between me and my Laptop service center.
Dear Mr Support Engineer (SE)
XYZ Laptops
Sub: Laptop battery explodes!!!!
I had purchased a Laptop XYZ 123 iix from ABC Electronics in December 2007. I reported the first complaint in January. Since then the laptop has been attended to three times to no avail. I would like to bring this to your notice for a speedy resolution of the problem.
Regards
Silverine
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ms Silverine,
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Mr Fixit will get in touch with you shortly. Regarding the subject of your email, please hand over the battery to Mr Fixit. We will have it replaced at no cost.
Regards
Support Engineer (SE)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: Thank you! I was not at home when Mr Fixit dropped in. My brother was however satisfied with the repairs carried out!
SE: You are most welcome. Please do get in touch if you face anymore problems with your Laptop. Do let us know when we can pick up the faulty battery.
Two weeks later:
SE: Dear Miss Silverine. Trust you are in good health and the Laptop is working satisfactorily!
Me: My lappie is not recognizing the DVD/RW drive!!
SE: Mr Fixit will be at your house shortly!
Me: Thank you! I was not at home when Mr Fixit dropped in. My Dad was however satisfied with the repairs carried out!
A month later
SE: We were unable to collect the battery since you were not at home. Please let us know when we can have it collected.
Me: Thank you! I have another problem! The wireless card went out!
SE: Mr Fixit will be at your house asap! We can arrange to have the battery collected from your office or home. Please let us know a convenient time.
Me: Thank you! I was not at home when Mr Fixit dropped in but my maid Devi, was quite satisfied with the repairs carried out!
Three months later
SE: Gentle reminder! Please let us know when and where we can collect the battery!
Me: Sure! I am not in station at the moment but my brother tells me that the AC power adapter has gone out twice.
SE: We will have it attended to immediately ma’am!
Me: I am traveling but my mom was quite satisfied with the repairs carried out! Thank you!
One month later
Se: My mobile number is 98765432100 and landline number is 12345678. Please drop in a mail or call me when you are in town so that my staff can pick up the battery!
Me: Sure!
Another month later:
Me: Dear Mr SE. The laptop is un-installing my printer now and then.
SE: Mr Fixit is on the way!
Me: Thank you! I was not at home but my doggie Brandy was quite satisfied with the repairs carried out! Thank you!
A week later:
SE: Dear Silverine. Hope the Laptop is working satisfactorily now! Could you please hand over the battery, so that we can send it for a review!
Me: Oh that! I am so sorry. It wasn’t the battery that exploded. That was my neighbor, bursting a Diwali cracker! Thank you for your concern. The laptop is working fine now!
SE:@$#%@^&
“When you can’t beat ‘em frustrate ‘em”
..old laptop sufferer err…user saying.
Here's what a blogger is going through because she dared to raise her voice against plagiarism!
Dear Mr Support Engineer (SE)
XYZ Laptops
Sub: Laptop battery explodes!!!!
I had purchased a Laptop XYZ 123 iix from ABC Electronics in December 2007. I reported the first complaint in January. Since then the laptop has been attended to three times to no avail. I would like to bring this to your notice for a speedy resolution of the problem.
Regards
Silverine
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ms Silverine,
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Mr Fixit will get in touch with you shortly. Regarding the subject of your email, please hand over the battery to Mr Fixit. We will have it replaced at no cost.
Regards
Support Engineer (SE)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: Thank you! I was not at home when Mr Fixit dropped in. My brother was however satisfied with the repairs carried out!
SE: You are most welcome. Please do get in touch if you face anymore problems with your Laptop. Do let us know when we can pick up the faulty battery.
Two weeks later:
SE: Dear Miss Silverine. Trust you are in good health and the Laptop is working satisfactorily!
Me: My lappie is not recognizing the DVD/RW drive!!
SE: Mr Fixit will be at your house shortly!
Me: Thank you! I was not at home when Mr Fixit dropped in. My Dad was however satisfied with the repairs carried out!
A month later
SE: We were unable to collect the battery since you were not at home. Please let us know when we can have it collected.
Me: Thank you! I have another problem! The wireless card went out!
SE: Mr Fixit will be at your house asap! We can arrange to have the battery collected from your office or home. Please let us know a convenient time.
Me: Thank you! I was not at home when Mr Fixit dropped in but my maid Devi, was quite satisfied with the repairs carried out!
Three months later
SE: Gentle reminder! Please let us know when and where we can collect the battery!
Me: Sure! I am not in station at the moment but my brother tells me that the AC power adapter has gone out twice.
SE: We will have it attended to immediately ma’am!
Me: I am traveling but my mom was quite satisfied with the repairs carried out! Thank you!
One month later
Se: My mobile number is 98765432100 and landline number is 12345678. Please drop in a mail or call me when you are in town so that my staff can pick up the battery!
Me: Sure!
Another month later:
Me: Dear Mr SE. The laptop is un-installing my printer now and then.
SE: Mr Fixit is on the way!
Me: Thank you! I was not at home but my doggie Brandy was quite satisfied with the repairs carried out! Thank you!
A week later:
SE: Dear Silverine. Hope the Laptop is working satisfactorily now! Could you please hand over the battery, so that we can send it for a review!
Me: Oh that! I am so sorry. It wasn’t the battery that exploded. That was my neighbor, bursting a Diwali cracker! Thank you for your concern. The laptop is working fine now!
SE:@$#%@^&
“When you can’t beat ‘em frustrate ‘em”
..old laptop sufferer err…user saying.
Here's what a blogger is going through because she dared to raise her voice against plagiarism!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Karva Chauth 2.0
Karva chauth: An auspicious day observed by married women in Hindi films err North India, by fasting for the good health and long life of their husbands, the only bread winner of the family in the good old days.
Now with women doubling up as jam/caviar winners to supplement the bread brought by the breadwinner, the ritual is going to change according to a religious head, who wishes to remain anonymous. This is to ensure the longevity of Indian marriages which may be threatened by the missus preferring Crackers over bread for her Caviar! Henceforth Husbands will observe this ritual for the good health and long life of their marriages.
On Karva chauth day, Husbands will get up at 4:30 am, take bath, ensuring he doesn’t use the wife's shampoo and soap, clean the toilet, put the towels outside for drying and make breakfast after doing Pooja (it means ‘prayer’ silly). He will of course ensure that the house is swept and swabbed before the pooja. Before that he will ensure that he has removed the frozen stuff from the freezer and left it out for thawing. Of course, the frozen stuff will be cleaned and packed neatly in Ziplock bags, so that the family eats clean and nutritious food always.
Much before the thawing...like a month before, hubby would have paid the electricity bill, water bill, corporation tax, stood in the ration queue and bought the kerosene, rice, sugar etc. He would have of course woken up the kids, got them ready for school, made breakfast, packed their tiffin and made the wife her morning tea before doing what I have mentioned in the beginning of this paragraph.
And before doing all that I have mentioned in the above paragraph, he would have ensured that the wife has three hot home cooked meals a day and something special on weekends so that she is not bored with the fare. He would have entertained his in laws, cooked their favorite dishes, took them to the doctor, ran around for his wives brothers wedding and ensured that the home was also running simultaneously.
Much much before all that I have mentioned in the above two paragraphs, like before the wedding hubby would have taken cookery classes, home decoration classes, flower decoration classes, candle making classes, grooming classes in order to be attractive and useful to the future wifey. His mom would have taught him to be docile and meek and drilled it into his head that his better half was a goddess herself. He would have kept himself "pure" (barf) for his future wife and would have ensured a good reputation for himself in the society as a good boy! Of course his Dad would have scrimped and saved a sizable dowry so that he could marry of his son into a good family.
Further his Dad would have taught him to be a good husband, like he was and the generations before him. He would have taught him the intricacies of the religious rituals and festivals so that he could carry on the family traditions and ensure their continuity.
And much much before what I have mentioned in the above paragraphs…err where is everyone gone?
umm, guys?
Hello?
Anyone here?!?
*hummphh*
Now with women doubling up as jam/caviar winners to supplement the bread brought by the breadwinner, the ritual is going to change according to a religious head, who wishes to remain anonymous. This is to ensure the longevity of Indian marriages which may be threatened by the missus preferring Crackers over bread for her Caviar! Henceforth Husbands will observe this ritual for the good health and long life of their marriages.
On Karva chauth day, Husbands will get up at 4:30 am, take bath, ensuring he doesn’t use the wife's shampoo and soap, clean the toilet, put the towels outside for drying and make breakfast after doing Pooja (it means ‘prayer’ silly). He will of course ensure that the house is swept and swabbed before the pooja. Before that he will ensure that he has removed the frozen stuff from the freezer and left it out for thawing. Of course, the frozen stuff will be cleaned and packed neatly in Ziplock bags, so that the family eats clean and nutritious food always.
Much before the thawing...like a month before, hubby would have paid the electricity bill, water bill, corporation tax, stood in the ration queue and bought the kerosene, rice, sugar etc. He would have of course woken up the kids, got them ready for school, made breakfast, packed their tiffin and made the wife her morning tea before doing what I have mentioned in the beginning of this paragraph.
And before doing all that I have mentioned in the above paragraph, he would have ensured that the wife has three hot home cooked meals a day and something special on weekends so that she is not bored with the fare. He would have entertained his in laws, cooked their favorite dishes, took them to the doctor, ran around for his wives brothers wedding and ensured that the home was also running simultaneously.
Much much before all that I have mentioned in the above two paragraphs, like before the wedding hubby would have taken cookery classes, home decoration classes, flower decoration classes, candle making classes, grooming classes in order to be attractive and useful to the future wifey. His mom would have taught him to be docile and meek and drilled it into his head that his better half was a goddess herself. He would have kept himself "pure" (barf) for his future wife and would have ensured a good reputation for himself in the society as a good boy! Of course his Dad would have scrimped and saved a sizable dowry so that he could marry of his son into a good family.
Further his Dad would have taught him to be a good husband, like he was and the generations before him. He would have taught him the intricacies of the religious rituals and festivals so that he could carry on the family traditions and ensure their continuity.
And much much before what I have mentioned in the above paragraphs…err where is everyone gone?
umm, guys?
Hello?
Anyone here?!?
*hummphh*
Friday, May 23, 2008
Life is like this wonly!
Jacob, a cousin bro, who has recently been placed with an IT company here, was staying with us till he secured his own accommodation. His elder sister calls him up now and then from the US, to check on him. Conversation between Chechi (elder sister) and Aniyan (younger brother) goes like this!
Chechi: How is work!
Jacob: Great! Training is going on now!
C: And what do you do on weekends?
J: I drop in here.
C: Good! So you must be going to church with aunty right!
J:Yes!
A few weeks later when Jacob got his own accommodation!
C: How are you mone?
J: I am fine chechi. How are you?
C: I am fine. My due date is any day now. Please pray from me.
J (emotionally): I will chechi. I pray for you everyday! *sniff*
C: *Sniff* And don't forget to go for Mass ok?
J: Ok!
A few days later!
C: How are you kutta?
J: I am fine!! Dying to see our vaava (baby)!
C: ha ha He looks just like you. Reminds me of you when you were a baby!
J: Please send me some more snaps of him. I can’t get enough of his photos.
C:lol! Ok! Please pray for you nephew too when you go to church!
J: Of course!
C: You are going regularly to church no?
J: If course chechi!
A few weeks later when Jacob is at our house for lunch!
C: How are you?
J: I am fine! How are you and chetan and vaava!
C: We are all fine! Vaava's christening is on 10th. I know you will not be able to make it. But pray for him huh!
J: I am sending some stuff for him through amma!
C: Don’t send anything for him. Send some kudampulli instead!
J: lol!
C: So what else?
J: Everything is fine chechi. I am now in the Development Center!
C: Great!! Ok I gotta go now. Love you loads kutta!
J: Bye!
C: Hey wait!!! I got to tell you something!
J: Ok!!
C: *silence*
J: Helooo?
C: I am back! Had to go open the door for your chetan. What I wanted to say was, don't miss Sunday Masses okay!
J (under his breath): @#$%@
Me: ROFL!!!
Jacob tries and fails miserably in giving me his dirtiest look!! What else did he think she will say? "I got a cute gal for you!" :p
*sigh* wish I had a chechi :(
Chechi: How is work!
Jacob: Great! Training is going on now!
C: And what do you do on weekends?
J: I drop in here.
C: Good! So you must be going to church with aunty right!
J:Yes!
A few weeks later when Jacob got his own accommodation!
C: How are you mone?
J: I am fine chechi. How are you?
C: I am fine. My due date is any day now. Please pray from me.
J (emotionally): I will chechi. I pray for you everyday! *sniff*
C: *Sniff* And don't forget to go for Mass ok?
J: Ok!
A few days later!
C: How are you kutta?
J: I am fine!! Dying to see our vaava (baby)!
C: ha ha He looks just like you. Reminds me of you when you were a baby!
J: Please send me some more snaps of him. I can’t get enough of his photos.
C:lol! Ok! Please pray for you nephew too when you go to church!
J: Of course!
C: You are going regularly to church no?
J: If course chechi!
A few weeks later when Jacob is at our house for lunch!
C: How are you?
J: I am fine! How are you and chetan and vaava!
C: We are all fine! Vaava's christening is on 10th. I know you will not be able to make it. But pray for him huh!
J: I am sending some stuff for him through amma!
C: Don’t send anything for him. Send some kudampulli instead!
J: lol!
C: So what else?
J: Everything is fine chechi. I am now in the Development Center!
C: Great!! Ok I gotta go now. Love you loads kutta!
J: Bye!
C: Hey wait!!! I got to tell you something!
J: Ok!!
C: *silence*
J: Helooo?
C: I am back! Had to go open the door for your chetan. What I wanted to say was, don't miss Sunday Masses okay!
J (under his breath): @#$%@
Me: ROFL!!!
Jacob tries and fails miserably in giving me his dirtiest look!! What else did he think she will say? "I got a cute gal for you!" :p
*sigh* wish I had a chechi :(
Monday, May 19, 2008
Tiger in the woods!
Have you seen that Accenture commercials starring Tiger Woods? Very original and very creative I must admit! The commercials compare Woods' ability on the golf course to the traits of leading businesses, from foresight and preparation to flexibility based on changing circumstances.
This particular TV commercial I saw, demonstrates “Attitude”…which according to the Dictionary is a state of mind or a feeling or disposition. The commercial shows Tiger Woods about to putt a ball when his caddy drops his golf bag, chumma just like that into a water hazard! While the caddy shrugs his shoulders helplessly like a moron, Tiger Woods shakes his head in gentle remonstration. Before they can retrieve the Golf kit from the pool, an alligator or croc swims in from Australia/Florida making the task impossible!
So what does Tiger Woods do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Tiger demonstrates the adaptability that is essential to every high performer by playing the entire match with the available club with him i.e the Putter! So zimble nah!
(All you Golf legends who are spinning in their graves…please chill! This is just an advertisement!)
I was so inspired by the commercial that I decided to offer free creative work to the team that made this commercial so that they don’t have to scratch their heads when its time to extend the commercial.
Situation one
Situational Word: Effulgence
Tiger Woods is playing Golf. He is aiming to putt the ball into the 10th hole when a helicopter flying above the golf course crashes just short of the 10th hole and bursts into flames. There is flames and petrol fumes between Tiger and the 10th hole! So what does Tiger Woods do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Rescue the Pilot and passengers!!!! Kidding! He thinks for a while and then takes a golf club and hits the ball in a horizontal wide arc and it flies in the air avoiding the helicopter and does a sharp right turn and falls into the hole Sivaji ishtyle! People applaud!
Voice over: All it takes is simple ideas to shine forth brilliantly. Just another day in the office for a Tiger!
Situation two
Situational Word: Facile
Tiger Woods is playing in a serious international tournament. He hits the ball for a six err hard and it falls into a herd of sheep! The herd belongs to a poor, homeless, thin, hungry three year old gal whose stepfather would beat her up if even a ball of yarn on the sheep is harmed by a golf ball or a Tiger! So what does Tiger do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Give a few million bucks from his billions towards feeding poor kids! ha ha kidding...again! He thinks for a while and takes out his Golf Iron and thwacks the ground hard a dozen times scattering turf a good hundreds yards away. The sheep run after the turf leaving the field open for Tiger who then hits the ball straight into the 18th hole. The crowds applaud and Woods throws his Accenture hat into the air and gets right back to office to code!
Voice over: The greatest of tasks is easily done! Just another day in the office for a Tiger!
Situation three
Situational Word: Celerity
Tiger Woods is playing golf…again! A mad elephant comes rampaging down the fairway, damages the green, sticks its tongue out at Woods and vanishes out of camera sight! The green is a total mess and Tiger is just one shot away from victory! What does Tiger do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Go to every Ayyappa temple in the vicinity, smoke out the elephant and stick his tongue right back at him? Of course not!!! Tiger demonstrates the adaptability that is essential to every high performer by using the Sand Wedge! A silence falls over the multitude as Tiger takes aim. After some concerted aiming, Tiger hits the ball hard!! The crowds gasp as the ball takes off into the air in an arc clearing the mess made by the elephant and then dips and falls straight into the 18th hole! Everyone applauds and Tiger Woods PM gives him the day off!
Voice over: It takes great knowledge and great experience to arrive at swift decisions! Just another day in the office for a Tiger!
I can give you endless possibilities. But today is Monday and I have Solitaire err I mean Pin Ball to play! Have a nice week folks!
All 'situational words' have been arrived at after careful thought taking into account the merits of good business practices by using the search option in Dictionary which according to a study gets maximum hits from bum advertising professionals.
This particular TV commercial I saw, demonstrates “Attitude”…which according to the Dictionary is a state of mind or a feeling or disposition. The commercial shows Tiger Woods about to putt a ball when his caddy drops his golf bag, chumma just like that into a water hazard! While the caddy shrugs his shoulders helplessly like a moron, Tiger Woods shakes his head in gentle remonstration. Before they can retrieve the Golf kit from the pool, an alligator or croc swims in from Australia/Florida making the task impossible!
So what does Tiger Woods do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Tiger demonstrates the adaptability that is essential to every high performer by playing the entire match with the available club with him i.e the Putter! So zimble nah!
(All you Golf legends who are spinning in their graves…please chill! This is just an advertisement!)
I was so inspired by the commercial that I decided to offer free creative work to the team that made this commercial so that they don’t have to scratch their heads when its time to extend the commercial.
Situation one
Situational Word: Effulgence
Tiger Woods is playing Golf. He is aiming to putt the ball into the 10th hole when a helicopter flying above the golf course crashes just short of the 10th hole and bursts into flames. There is flames and petrol fumes between Tiger and the 10th hole! So what does Tiger Woods do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Rescue the Pilot and passengers!!!! Kidding! He thinks for a while and then takes a golf club and hits the ball in a horizontal wide arc and it flies in the air avoiding the helicopter and does a sharp right turn and falls into the hole Sivaji ishtyle! People applaud!
Voice over: All it takes is simple ideas to shine forth brilliantly. Just another day in the office for a Tiger!
Situation two
Situational Word: Facile
Tiger Woods is playing in a serious international tournament. He hits the ball for a six err hard and it falls into a herd of sheep! The herd belongs to a poor, homeless, thin, hungry three year old gal whose stepfather would beat her up if even a ball of yarn on the sheep is harmed by a golf ball or a Tiger! So what does Tiger do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Give a few million bucks from his billions towards feeding poor kids! ha ha kidding...again! He thinks for a while and takes out his Golf Iron and thwacks the ground hard a dozen times scattering turf a good hundreds yards away. The sheep run after the turf leaving the field open for Tiger who then hits the ball straight into the 18th hole. The crowds applaud and Woods throws his Accenture hat into the air and gets right back to office to code!
Voice over: The greatest of tasks is easily done! Just another day in the office for a Tiger!
Situation three
Situational Word: Celerity
Tiger Woods is playing golf…again! A mad elephant comes rampaging down the fairway, damages the green, sticks its tongue out at Woods and vanishes out of camera sight! The green is a total mess and Tiger is just one shot away from victory! What does Tiger do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Go to every Ayyappa temple in the vicinity, smoke out the elephant and stick his tongue right back at him? Of course not!!! Tiger demonstrates the adaptability that is essential to every high performer by using the Sand Wedge! A silence falls over the multitude as Tiger takes aim. After some concerted aiming, Tiger hits the ball hard!! The crowds gasp as the ball takes off into the air in an arc clearing the mess made by the elephant and then dips and falls straight into the 18th hole! Everyone applauds and Tiger Woods PM gives him the day off!
Voice over: It takes great knowledge and great experience to arrive at swift decisions! Just another day in the office for a Tiger!
I can give you endless possibilities. But today is Monday and I have Solitaire err I mean Pin Ball to play! Have a nice week folks!
All 'situational words' have been arrived at after careful thought taking into account the merits of good business practices by using the search option in Dictionary which according to a study gets maximum hits from bum advertising professionals.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Consult or be damned to earn thy bread by the sweat of thy brow!
My company decided to cut costs one day.
The move led to a 90% decline in productivity levels by the very next day.
A high profile consultancy firm was hired to probe into the matter for rupees 4 Crore ONLY on the third day!
According to the report tabled by the consultants on the fourth day, the main reason for the sharp drop in productivity levels was:
Employees now have to take the paper cups from the shelf "themselves", place it under the dispenser "themselves" and press the appropriate buttons for coffee/tea "themselves" than ask Murthy to do it for them as was the usual practice!
Their advice: Hire Murthy back!
Cost cutting was dumped on the fifth day, Murthy was hired back and we are now back to our full productivity levels of 12% on weekdays!
My future children will be consultants ( whether they like it or not)!!
The move led to a 90% decline in productivity levels by the very next day.
A high profile consultancy firm was hired to probe into the matter for rupees 4 Crore ONLY on the third day!
According to the report tabled by the consultants on the fourth day, the main reason for the sharp drop in productivity levels was:
Employees now have to take the paper cups from the shelf "themselves", place it under the dispenser "themselves" and press the appropriate buttons for coffee/tea "themselves" than ask Murthy to do it for them as was the usual practice!
Their advice: Hire Murthy back!
Cost cutting was dumped on the fifth day, Murthy was hired back and we are now back to our full productivity levels of 12% on weekdays!
My future children will be consultants ( whether they like it or not)!!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Shopping with stupids!
Drastic times calls for drastic measures! And if you were in my shoes, better pray that the drastic measure is not a couple of dim witted gals!!! Right now I need a vacation to recover from the debilitating after effects of massive disappointments! *sigh*
The saga of disappointments began at a sale! This particular store in one of those Bangalore malls was having a 50% Sale last week. And the three of us, that is me, mom and my second bro M, dropped in to see what they were selling for 50% that was actually 25 %. I mean most of these stores will wait for approximately one week after they open new stocks and then hike up their prices by 200% and announce a 50% sale. Then they clutch their stomachs and laugh all the way to the bank while we scramble and push and shove to buy what we think is a steal. Come to think of it, it is a steal! Either way!
Everything was mostly stolen err...sold out when we reached the store and I decided that I would sit down and wait for the other two to finish their shopping. Now shopping with family members is an interesting experience. It is so interesting that I normally carry Popcorn and soft drinks to sit and watch the non stop entertainment that follows. (In hindsight I should have carried something stronger to drink this time!)
So here I was chomping on the Popcorn, sipping a Tropicana Litchi Twirl rather noisily and looking around aimlessly when I spied D, a wannabe Mrs M. My ears perked up like a puppy scenting a packet of Pedigree being opened...well not exactly but I did sit up with hope brimming in my eyes! All I need was a tail to complete the picture…a touching picture of a rather sweet little puppy with high hopes of its elder sibling puppy marrying that nice gal puppy and leaving the house leaving her his nice room overlooking the vineyard. (The room is always larger on the other side… old family saying.)
D came into the Shoes section all smiles at having spotted M but before she could say “Hi” she spotted my Amma. In front of my horrified eyes, she ran into the Men’s inner wear section, stopped short of a display case and refused to turn around. She stood staring at the display without seeing a thing hoping against hope that she would not be spotted. I groaned. I mean, if I have to get rid of M then this silly girl should not do suicidal and risky acts like being caught in a men’s innerwear section by prospective mom in law to be!! Gimme a break!!! But it was too late. Petrified the poor gal stuffed the carry bag with what looked like a size XXXL of Jockey and ran to the Payout counter. She paid hastily and was out of the place in a jiffy…sweating profusely.
I was heartbroken!! The only other way I can get M out of that room is by dragging him by a bulldozer and that is not feasible as I do not know how to drive one. So my only hope was this silly stupid girl!!!
Sighing I settled down to the monotony of watching shoppers shop when I espied T, another admirer. My hopes soared again. I said a quick round of Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers and crossed my fingers for added effect. (If a wandering sage were to come and ask me stand on my head, I would have done that too!)
T sashayed in waving and smiling gloriously till she saw my Amma! The smile froze and she did a 180 degree about turn. Before I could say “noooooo” she was face to face with the Maternity Clothes line. I groaned again! The room, with its mauve walls that I would paint and the matching curtains that I would buy after T and M are married and gone, seemed to disappear before my very inner eyes. T frantically pretended to shop and when she couldn’t take the tension anymore, grabbed a few maternity dresses and ran to the Payout counter. I wanted to cry! You DO NOT want prospective mom in laws to see you buying maternity clothes. *sob*
After T’s departure everything was humdrum again. Then V came in…and walked right out as she saw my Mom some where in the periphery of her vision. The experienced gal she is, she didn’t need to turn her head to ascertain and get caught.
While I was sulking at the thought of going back to my cramped room, in walked H. My hopes soared again!! This time I prayed to all the Angels and Saints that Mom stays put in Foodworld. She has this uncanny ability to appear when M is about to say the worst pick up line in the world. How do you expect that poor guy to get hitched and clear the room for me huh? Hummph!!!
H was lucky. She could say a “Hi” before Mom landed up from somewhere. The poor girl had no place to run. While my mom looked at M quizzically, a hush seem to fall over the bustling floor. And while the silence strained to hear what H would say, H went red, stammered and said “Turn right for the Greeting Card section, Sir!”
*grooaann*
p.s To forget my dejection, I have decided to go on a vacation. Hopefully when I return, I will be back to my cheerful self with a license to drive a bulldozer to boot. See you all later folks. Have a nice week!
p.p.s I voted!! I wish I could show you the finger err… I mean a photo proof, but today is Mothers Day and I have decided to be kind to mine. Happy Mothers Day to all the mommies! Mines up for sale.
The saga of disappointments began at a sale! This particular store in one of those Bangalore malls was having a 50% Sale last week. And the three of us, that is me, mom and my second bro M, dropped in to see what they were selling for 50% that was actually 25 %. I mean most of these stores will wait for approximately one week after they open new stocks and then hike up their prices by 200% and announce a 50% sale. Then they clutch their stomachs and laugh all the way to the bank while we scramble and push and shove to buy what we think is a steal. Come to think of it, it is a steal! Either way!
Everything was mostly stolen err...sold out when we reached the store and I decided that I would sit down and wait for the other two to finish their shopping. Now shopping with family members is an interesting experience. It is so interesting that I normally carry Popcorn and soft drinks to sit and watch the non stop entertainment that follows. (In hindsight I should have carried something stronger to drink this time!)
So here I was chomping on the Popcorn, sipping a Tropicana Litchi Twirl rather noisily and looking around aimlessly when I spied D, a wannabe Mrs M. My ears perked up like a puppy scenting a packet of Pedigree being opened...well not exactly but I did sit up with hope brimming in my eyes! All I need was a tail to complete the picture…a touching picture of a rather sweet little puppy with high hopes of its elder sibling puppy marrying that nice gal puppy and leaving the house leaving her his nice room overlooking the vineyard. (The room is always larger on the other side… old family saying.)
D came into the Shoes section all smiles at having spotted M but before she could say “Hi” she spotted my Amma. In front of my horrified eyes, she ran into the Men’s inner wear section, stopped short of a display case and refused to turn around. She stood staring at the display without seeing a thing hoping against hope that she would not be spotted. I groaned. I mean, if I have to get rid of M then this silly girl should not do suicidal and risky acts like being caught in a men’s innerwear section by prospective mom in law to be!! Gimme a break!!! But it was too late. Petrified the poor gal stuffed the carry bag with what looked like a size XXXL of Jockey and ran to the Payout counter. She paid hastily and was out of the place in a jiffy…sweating profusely.
I was heartbroken!! The only other way I can get M out of that room is by dragging him by a bulldozer and that is not feasible as I do not know how to drive one. So my only hope was this silly stupid girl!!!
Sighing I settled down to the monotony of watching shoppers shop when I espied T, another admirer. My hopes soared again. I said a quick round of Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers and crossed my fingers for added effect. (If a wandering sage were to come and ask me stand on my head, I would have done that too!)
T sashayed in waving and smiling gloriously till she saw my Amma! The smile froze and she did a 180 degree about turn. Before I could say “noooooo” she was face to face with the Maternity Clothes line. I groaned again! The room, with its mauve walls that I would paint and the matching curtains that I would buy after T and M are married and gone, seemed to disappear before my very inner eyes. T frantically pretended to shop and when she couldn’t take the tension anymore, grabbed a few maternity dresses and ran to the Payout counter. I wanted to cry! You DO NOT want prospective mom in laws to see you buying maternity clothes. *sob*
After T’s departure everything was humdrum again. Then V came in…and walked right out as she saw my Mom some where in the periphery of her vision. The experienced gal she is, she didn’t need to turn her head to ascertain and get caught.
While I was sulking at the thought of going back to my cramped room, in walked H. My hopes soared again!! This time I prayed to all the Angels and Saints that Mom stays put in Foodworld. She has this uncanny ability to appear when M is about to say the worst pick up line in the world. How do you expect that poor guy to get hitched and clear the room for me huh? Hummph!!!
H was lucky. She could say a “Hi” before Mom landed up from somewhere. The poor girl had no place to run. While my mom looked at M quizzically, a hush seem to fall over the bustling floor. And while the silence strained to hear what H would say, H went red, stammered and said “Turn right for the Greeting Card section, Sir!”
*grooaann*
p.s To forget my dejection, I have decided to go on a vacation. Hopefully when I return, I will be back to my cheerful self with a license to drive a bulldozer to boot. See you all later folks. Have a nice week!
p.p.s I voted!! I wish I could show you the finger err… I mean a photo proof, but today is Mothers Day and I have decided to be kind to mine. Happy Mothers Day to all the mommies! Mines up for sale.
Friday, May 02, 2008
You got me trippin', stumbling, flippin' my lid off!
Me: You have the Lyrics of that Fergie song?
D (14 yr old cousin) : What did you say???
Me: I asked for the Lyrics of that latest Fergie number!
D (derisively): It is Fer-gee and not Fur-gee!
Me (tightly): Really? Sorry. I will remember!
D: That’s okay! If you don’t know how to pronounce a word, better not say it!
Me: By the way, do you like my new Neekay shoes?
D: What?!!!!
Me: I said, do you like my new Neekay shoes!
D: *gasp* Thats Nike and not Neekay!
Me: Wotever!! But did you like it?
D (frostily): It is Nike!
Me: he he you sound like a dark!
D (going blue in the face): It is DORK and not DARK for chrissakes!!!
Me: Yeah, big deal! btw your pal Naomi called.
D (panicking): I hope you didn’t talk to her?
Me: I said “hi dewdette” (dudette) and she started giggling and hung up! Strange!!
D(shrieking) : You said what?????? Oh my God!!! *swoon* *thud*
And Silverine walks off triumphantly into the sunset, smoking gun and all to a very retro music from Nellie Furtado playing in the background. Strike one to the very fossilized and ancient in their 20’s generation. Tee hee.
Oops! I hope I got that “tee hee” right!! brrr
The first six words in the title of this post is a Fergie number that I am undecided about. I mean, I don't know whether I love it or hate it.
D (14 yr old cousin) : What did you say???
Me: I asked for the Lyrics of that latest Fergie number!
D (derisively): It is Fer-gee and not Fur-gee!
Me (tightly): Really? Sorry. I will remember!
D: That’s okay! If you don’t know how to pronounce a word, better not say it!
Me: By the way, do you like my new Neekay shoes?
D: What?!!!!
Me: I said, do you like my new Neekay shoes!
D: *gasp* Thats Nike and not Neekay!
Me: Wotever!! But did you like it?
D (frostily): It is Nike!
Me: he he you sound like a dark!
D (going blue in the face): It is DORK and not DARK for chrissakes!!!
Me: Yeah, big deal! btw your pal Naomi called.
D (panicking): I hope you didn’t talk to her?
Me: I said “hi dewdette” (dudette) and she started giggling and hung up! Strange!!
D(shrieking) : You said what?????? Oh my God!!! *swoon* *thud*
And Silverine walks off triumphantly into the sunset, smoking gun and all to a very retro music from Nellie Furtado playing in the background. Strike one to the very fossilized and ancient in their 20’s generation. Tee hee.
Oops! I hope I got that “tee hee” right!! brrr
The first six words in the title of this post is a Fergie number that I am undecided about. I mean, I don't know whether I love it or hate it.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Oh! Ye of simple faith!
Mary (name changed) a distant cousin of mine is 29 and still unmarried for various reasons like fussy parents and unsuccessful attempts to get her married to a boy working in Kerala.
Today her parents are desperate. They realize that they have delayed too long. They are unable to get her a suitable groom due to her age despite their best efforts and several advertisements in newspapers and registrations in matrimonial websites like Kerala Matrimony. In their desperation they turn to another aunt of mine in Bangalore for some comical err I mean spiritual relief from their dilemmas. This aunty lets call her Aunt Dogoody (AD) sets up an exclusive prayer meeting for Mary at this Catholic (but not endorsed by Church) Prayer Centre at Bangalore. While the prayer meeting was going, this is the phone conversation that took place between Mary's parents in Kottayam, Kerala and my aunt in Bangalore.
Uncle: What is happening? Has the prayer started?
AD: Oh yes....the lady here has seen a vision.
Uncle: *gasp* Really? What did she see?
AD: Your daughter, happily married to someone by this year end!
Uncle: Really! Who is the guy?
AD: She says it was not very clear. We need to convene Friday for another prayer session.
Uncle (in awe): Oh!!
AD: Please send Rs 500/- towards the next prayer session.
Uncle: Sure! I will send the money to you today itself.
AD: Make sure it reaches before next Friday or we will not be able to hold the prayer meeting and the vision may fade!
Next week:
Aunty: Hello Valsa, has the prayer started?
AD: Yes, it has. The lady is getting the vision again.
Aunty: What does she see?
AD: She says he will be between 29 and 35 and of medium height.
Aunty: That sounds good. Anything else?
AD : shhh!
Aunty (whispering): Ok!
The following week:
AD: The lady with the vision says that there is a thadasam (impediment) in your daughters marriage prospects!
Uncle: Aiyyo!
AD: She will be going into a meditating session tonight, to find an answer for the same.
Uncle: *gulp* Ok! Anything we can do?
AD: Yes you can give a donation. These people don't charge anything you know for their services.
Uncle: Sure!! I will send you a cheque right away! How much?
AD: M it Rs. 5000/- You can afford it besides it is for a good cause.
Uncle: Sure!!!
The next week:
AD: The lady with the vision says that she has prayed and removed the thadasam in your girls future.
Uncle: Thank god!! What should we do next?
AD: She suggests Kerala Matrimony!
Uncle: Oh!
Today her parents are desperate. They realize that they have delayed too long. They are unable to get her a suitable groom due to her age despite their best efforts and several advertisements in newspapers and registrations in matrimonial websites like Kerala Matrimony. In their desperation they turn to another aunt of mine in Bangalore for some comical err I mean spiritual relief from their dilemmas. This aunty lets call her Aunt Dogoody (AD) sets up an exclusive prayer meeting for Mary at this Catholic (but not endorsed by Church) Prayer Centre at Bangalore. While the prayer meeting was going, this is the phone conversation that took place between Mary's parents in Kottayam, Kerala and my aunt in Bangalore.
Uncle: What is happening? Has the prayer started?
AD: Oh yes....the lady here has seen a vision.
Uncle: *gasp* Really? What did she see?
AD: Your daughter, happily married to someone by this year end!
Uncle: Really! Who is the guy?
AD: She says it was not very clear. We need to convene Friday for another prayer session.
Uncle (in awe): Oh!!
AD: Please send Rs 500/- towards the next prayer session.
Uncle: Sure! I will send the money to you today itself.
AD: Make sure it reaches before next Friday or we will not be able to hold the prayer meeting and the vision may fade!
Next week:
Aunty: Hello Valsa, has the prayer started?
AD: Yes, it has. The lady is getting the vision again.
Aunty: What does she see?
AD: She says he will be between 29 and 35 and of medium height.
Aunty: That sounds good. Anything else?
AD : shhh!
Aunty (whispering): Ok!
The following week:
AD: The lady with the vision says that there is a thadasam (impediment) in your daughters marriage prospects!
Uncle: Aiyyo!
AD: She will be going into a meditating session tonight, to find an answer for the same.
Uncle: *gulp* Ok! Anything we can do?
AD: Yes you can give a donation. These people don't charge anything you know for their services.
Uncle: Sure!! I will send you a cheque right away! How much?
AD: M it Rs. 5000/- You can afford it besides it is for a good cause.
Uncle: Sure!!!
The next week:
AD: The lady with the vision says that she has prayed and removed the thadasam in your girls future.
Uncle: Thank god!! What should we do next?
AD: She suggests Kerala Matrimony!
Uncle: Oh!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
People to people pigeon contact!
According to Scott Adams if we were to “connect citizens in different countries at such a high rate it would be politically impossible for the two countries to start a war.”
What an idea! We could all make an email pen pal in "the neighboring country" (NC) and ensure that the two countries who share a lot in common like Shah Rukh Khan and Madhuri Dixit, never go to war!
So I went right ahead folks and made my very first pen pal from the Neighboring Country!!
Dear Neighboring Country Pen Pal (NPP)
How are you! I am fine by the grace of my amma. It is so nice to have a pen pal from NC! I don’t know much about your country. But I hope together, we will discover the great cultures of our country.
Regards,
Silverine
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Silverine,
What a pleasant surprise!! You are my first pen pal from India too. Although I did try to *censored* before, but it was *censored*. I am also hoping and praying that *censored**censored**censored*. Besides we have so much in common like *censored*. But I really like Indian *censored**censored**censored*and *censored**censored*.
Warm regards
NPP
City: *censored*
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear NPP,
I finally have my very first reply from a friend in NC!!! I am so happy. My friends say "Hi”. My boss wants to know if you get daaru in NC and if so what is the rate of Jack Daniels. My Big Boss wants to know if you will marry me and take me off his hands. He jests heh heh. Funny man he is. But he says he will pay for the wedding.
Regards,
Silverine
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Silverine,
I am so happy to see your reply and the great interest among my new Indian friends about my country. Please tell your boss that *censored* costs *censored* here and we can always arrange to have it sent across the border via *censored*.
p.s if you see too many “censored” in my mail do let me know. I will have to try and send you mails via pigeons.
Regards,
NPP
Mail Admin: General Mush Rough! Please note mail intercepted by our alert and patriotic Mail Filters!
Re: Shoot down all pigeons going into India.
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear NPP,
Thank you for the information. Your mail is full of *censored*. What do I do?
Regards
Silverine
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Silverine,
What the *censored*!!!!!
Mail Admin: What the hell is ‘fcuk’?
Re: *censored*
Mail Admin: :(
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear NPP,
I am afraid I didn’t understand your mail. There seems to be a serious miscommunication between us. But I guess these are early days for us. We will eventually understand each others language. So take heart and keep mailing. In the meantime here is a small article on the History of India.
Sincerely,
Silverine
Mail Admin: Caution!! Subject is talking of a “miscommunication”. I sense covert transmission. Advised further sustained surveillance.
Re: Don’t shoot our Pigeons you moron!!!
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Silverine,
Your post was very informative. Thank you. I am greatly suffering to hear about the sufferings of Indian school children. We are suffering too. But with a different suffering called *censored*.
Regards
NPP
Mail Admin: Nice list of places.
Re: They are not Night Clubs you dunce!! Now get back to work!
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear NPP,
Please tell me about your cuisine. I have attached a recipe for Curd Rice, a delicacy in South India for you to try out.
Regards
Silverine
Mail Admin: Red Alert! Subject has sent some recipe in the attachment. Handle with care!!
p.s This stuff tastes yuck!
Re: You are not supposed to taste it you idiot! It might explode in your mouth.
Mail Admin: It just did. I think my taste buds are dead.
Re: Re: Re: @#%&#$!!!!
Mail Admin: :(
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Silverine,
Thank you for the recipe. The attachment was missing though. Attached is a recipe from my Mother.
p.s do you have pigeons?
Regards,
NPP
Mail Admin: General, this seems to be a harmless recipe for Pigeon fry!
Re: How do you know? Did you check?
Mail Admin: Oops!
Re:Re: Idiot!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear NPP,
Thank you for the delicious recipe. It was yummy! My mother says “Thank you!” and she says that she would love to have you and your family visit us when you come to India.
Regards
Silverine
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Silverine,
Thank you so much! We will definitely visit India and meet up with you and your family. I will start packing the Pigeons right away.
Regards,
NPP
Mail Admin: Red Alert! NPP is fleeing to India!! I am sure he is fleeing with our Nuclear Secrets!
Re: Over my dead body!!! I am going to launch the nuclear bomb!! First strike will be ours by Gods grace!!!!! Stand back everyone!!
Re: Re: @#&% Chinese triggers!!!!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------
As you can see dear friends, increased people-to-people contact is the only way we can expedite the Indo-NC peace process. So I urge all of you to get yourself pen pals from our neighboring country and aid peace in this region!
Thank you!
What an idea! We could all make an email pen pal in "the neighboring country" (NC) and ensure that the two countries who share a lot in common like Shah Rukh Khan and Madhuri Dixit, never go to war!
So I went right ahead folks and made my very first pen pal from the Neighboring Country!!
Dear Neighboring Country Pen Pal (NPP)
How are you! I am fine by the grace of my amma. It is so nice to have a pen pal from NC! I don’t know much about your country. But I hope together, we will discover the great cultures of our country.
Regards,
Silverine
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Silverine,
What a pleasant surprise!! You are my first pen pal from India too. Although I did try to *censored* before, but it was *censored*. I am also hoping and praying that *censored**censored**censored*. Besides we have so much in common like *censored*. But I really like Indian *censored**censored**censored*and *censored**censored*.
Warm regards
NPP
City: *censored*
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear NPP,
I finally have my very first reply from a friend in NC!!! I am so happy. My friends say "Hi”. My boss wants to know if you get daaru in NC and if so what is the rate of Jack Daniels. My Big Boss wants to know if you will marry me and take me off his hands. He jests heh heh. Funny man he is. But he says he will pay for the wedding.
Regards,
Silverine
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Silverine,
I am so happy to see your reply and the great interest among my new Indian friends about my country. Please tell your boss that *censored* costs *censored* here and we can always arrange to have it sent across the border via *censored*.
p.s if you see too many “censored” in my mail do let me know. I will have to try and send you mails via pigeons.
Regards,
NPP
Mail Admin: General Mush Rough! Please note mail intercepted by our alert and patriotic Mail Filters!
Re: Shoot down all pigeons going into India.
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear NPP,
Thank you for the information. Your mail is full of *censored*. What do I do?
Regards
Silverine
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Silverine,
What the *censored*!!!!!
Mail Admin: What the hell is ‘fcuk’?
Re: *censored*
Mail Admin: :(
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear NPP,
I am afraid I didn’t understand your mail. There seems to be a serious miscommunication between us. But I guess these are early days for us. We will eventually understand each others language. So take heart and keep mailing. In the meantime here is a small article on the History of India.
Sincerely,
Silverine
Mail Admin: Caution!! Subject is talking of a “miscommunication”. I sense covert transmission. Advised further sustained surveillance.
Re: Don’t shoot our Pigeons you moron!!!
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Silverine,
Your post was very informative. Thank you. I am greatly suffering to hear about the sufferings of Indian school children. We are suffering too. But with a different suffering called *censored*.
Regards
NPP
Mail Admin: Nice list of places.
Re: They are not Night Clubs you dunce!! Now get back to work!
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear NPP,
Please tell me about your cuisine. I have attached a recipe for Curd Rice, a delicacy in South India for you to try out.
Regards
Silverine
Mail Admin: Red Alert! Subject has sent some recipe in the attachment. Handle with care!!
p.s This stuff tastes yuck!
Re: You are not supposed to taste it you idiot! It might explode in your mouth.
Mail Admin: It just did. I think my taste buds are dead.
Re: Re: Re: @#%&#$!!!!
Mail Admin: :(
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Silverine,
Thank you for the recipe. The attachment was missing though. Attached is a recipe from my Mother.
p.s do you have pigeons?
Regards,
NPP
Mail Admin: General, this seems to be a harmless recipe for Pigeon fry!
Re: How do you know? Did you check?
Mail Admin: Oops!
Re:Re: Idiot!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear NPP,
Thank you for the delicious recipe. It was yummy! My mother says “Thank you!” and she says that she would love to have you and your family visit us when you come to India.
Regards
Silverine
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Silverine,
Thank you so much! We will definitely visit India and meet up with you and your family. I will start packing the Pigeons right away.
Regards,
NPP
Mail Admin: Red Alert! NPP is fleeing to India!! I am sure he is fleeing with our Nuclear Secrets!
Re: Over my dead body!!! I am going to launch the nuclear bomb!! First strike will be ours by Gods grace!!!!! Stand back everyone!!
Re: Re: @#&% Chinese triggers!!!!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------
As you can see dear friends, increased people-to-people contact is the only way we can expedite the Indo-NC peace process. So I urge all of you to get yourself pen pals from our neighboring country and aid peace in this region!
Thank you!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Surviving the wonder years!
I am planning on writing a book on guys. No, no... it is not a book on 'how to snare guys and keep him in 10 steps' kinda books. But the kind of book that makes a guy less of an alien to girls.
I grew up in a house infested with guys. That was two batches of friends of my two brothers and some gate crashers. Till today we have no clue as to who the gate crashers were. In fact we came to know of this phenomenon at a family dinner the other day.
Dad: And Suman...it must be almost 20 years since you met G (eldest bro) right?
Suman: Yes! But I am not his friend.
Dad: Then you must be M’s ( second bro) friend.
Suman: No.
Dad: hmmm then how do we know you?
Suman: I was walking by your house one day and saw your dog. I stopped by to pet him and aunty came and made me wash my hands and sit for dinner. Since then I come here regularly.
Dad: Ah! Some more chicken son?
We had boys all around us. In fact I am sure I saw one of my brother’s friends when I first came into this world.
"Uncle come see what came out of aunty’s stomach!!"
Ha ha I am kidding, but I am sure my Dad would have rushed to the hospital with at least a dozen boys in tow as leaving them in the house would be more destructive than leaving a running unmanned bulldozer in the house. And people who would have noticed a man rushing into the maternity ward with several small boys in tow, would have shaken their heads in exasperation and pointed their fingers at my Dad as an outstanding example of the failure of the country’s Family Planning policies.
If there was an Earthquake in Bangalore, most people would grab their two kids and run out of the house. My folks had it a little more difficult than others. They would have to look under the beds (sulking boys), water tank (chilling out boys), garage (taking the car apart but dunno how to put it back boys) kitchen (snacking boys), kitchen cabinets (collecting cockroaches boys) kennel (teasing the dogs boys) Outhouse (sneakily trying out cigarettes boys) trees (climbed up but dunno how to climb down boys) etc. etc etc etc The only place there were no boys in the house was my room. Most 8 – 12 years olds treat little girls like vermin.
If we were invited for weddings, the card specifically said, Mr & Mrs Philip and “their” kids. People realized soon enough that mentioning the word family would mean that the Philip family would outnumber the guests 1 - 10 out of which 8 people would be very dirty, very unkempt and very uninvited guests! My parents usually attended weddings alone so that one of them could baby sit the house to ensure it is not burnt down by the time they came back from the wedding.
Meal times in my house were interesting. Guys eat only meat! Period. And the ones who didn’t were soon converted with or without their knowledge!
Venu’s mom: What is that thing Venu ate at your house yesterday? I searched the whole vegetable market but no one had Shahi Mussalam!
My mom: err umm it is out of season at the moment. Will let you know when it comes into season.
Venus mom: Ah! Appadiyaa!
Venu's mom waited many seasons in vain and then forgot all about it and blamed her son's subsequent conversion to pure non vegetarianism, to Kalyug!
Side stepping the vegetarian parents and maintaining good parental relations was a task more daunting than ballet dancing on a tight rope!
Mrs Srinivasan: Mrs Philip, what is that bonda you packed for G’s lunch the other day? My son says it was delicious!
Mom (cursing G) : err that is called Potato Kabab!
Mrs Srinivasan: You must give me the recipe!!
Mom: I am so sorry I can’t. It is a secret family recipe handed over from my great grandom you know!
Mrs Srinivasan: I understand! I wouldn’t part with my secret Lemon Rasam recipe either! Heh heh
Mom (nervously): heh heh *whew*
Since corporal punishment was banned in the house via my Dads diktat, my mom had to take her frustrations out on the then cat called Amminikutty!
Mom: I am so mad at those boys. One day I will land in a mental asylum because of them!!!
Amminikutty: *mew*
Mom: How long can I keep side stepping peoples questions!!!
Amminikutty: *mew*
Mom: Soon people will stop talking to us!
Amminikutty: *mew*
Mom (breaking down): I can’t take this anymore!
Amminikutty: *mew*
Mom (brightening up): Thanks Amminikutty! You are such a great help. Here is a piece of fish for you!
Amminikutty: *mew!!!*
Amminikutty died of feline obesity soon after but not before my Mom had learned to better control her feelings with Valium.
There were certain rules in the house for my brothers and their guests. No swearing. Water bottles had to filled up and kept back in the fridge after use, no littering and no troubling their host’s sister and her friends (and thus the cockroaches collected had to be set free).
Dad: Rajesh! How many times have I told you that you that you cannot put Cockroaches in the girls room!!!
Rajesh: But Uncle you told me to release them!!
Dad: You make sense son...so I won’t thrash you! Sigh.
Now having two sets of boys in the house of two different age group had its problems. Especially since the age difference between the two group was three plus years. The elder group members (EGM) considered the younger group members (YGM) essential vermin as they were easy picking as child labor for their various activities. As a result, the younger group earned quite a lot of money in my house, fetching stuff and polishing bicycles and telling lies on their behalf.
YGM to Dad: See I got 50 paise for cleaning Vinods bike!!
Dad: Good! So you must be making fifty paise per bike everyday? You will be a rich boy at the end of the month!!
YGM (proudly): This is my whole month’s salary for cleaning all the bikes!
Dad: $%@&!!
The EGM’s however underestimated their slave’s capacity to hold fort for them.
Dad: Where are the big boys Anil?
Anil: They are studying!
Dad: And what are they studying
Anil: They are studying some girl’s pictures behind the house!
Dad: $%@&!! err I mean thank you!
We girls were also entrusted with special errands by the EGM and made quite a lot of chocolates out of them!
Dev an EGM: Tina, will you give this note to Anita in 8th A tomorrow?
Tina: We are not allowed to go to the High School!
Dev: Please!!! I will give you a Chocolate da!
Tina: Ok!
Next day while Tina and me chomped on the chocolate wondering how we could get past the Primary School gates and reach the High School, Anita walks past!
Tina: Dev gave this for you!
Anita: Thank you! Is he your brother?
Tina: No!
Anita: Then how do you know him?
Tina: We deliver notes for him!
Anita: $%@&!!
Dev spent many a day hoping for a reply and then resigned himself to rejection. This was his 657th rejection and Tina and me became a beacon of sorts for the high school gals…a beacon that says, here comes the girls who deliver notes from losers!
Atul (another EGM): Anju, will you take this note and give it to Sheela in 9th B?
Me: What is this?
Atul: err just some Maths homework!
Next day, while Tina and me chomped on the chocolate wondering how we could get past the Primary School gates and reach the High School, who but Sheela’s Maths teacher walks past! No prizes for guessing what happened next, but Sheela and Atul spent some quality time in detention...alone and the entrepreneurial talents of two budding Courier tycoons was very tactfully, nipped in the bud.
Now with experience this rich and varied, I am sure you will all agree that that my book will be a definite best seller!
I grew up in a house infested with guys. That was two batches of friends of my two brothers and some gate crashers. Till today we have no clue as to who the gate crashers were. In fact we came to know of this phenomenon at a family dinner the other day.
Dad: And Suman...it must be almost 20 years since you met G (eldest bro) right?
Suman: Yes! But I am not his friend.
Dad: Then you must be M’s ( second bro) friend.
Suman: No.
Dad: hmmm then how do we know you?
Suman: I was walking by your house one day and saw your dog. I stopped by to pet him and aunty came and made me wash my hands and sit for dinner. Since then I come here regularly.
Dad: Ah! Some more chicken son?
We had boys all around us. In fact I am sure I saw one of my brother’s friends when I first came into this world.
"Uncle come see what came out of aunty’s stomach!!"
Ha ha I am kidding, but I am sure my Dad would have rushed to the hospital with at least a dozen boys in tow as leaving them in the house would be more destructive than leaving a running unmanned bulldozer in the house. And people who would have noticed a man rushing into the maternity ward with several small boys in tow, would have shaken their heads in exasperation and pointed their fingers at my Dad as an outstanding example of the failure of the country’s Family Planning policies.
If there was an Earthquake in Bangalore, most people would grab their two kids and run out of the house. My folks had it a little more difficult than others. They would have to look under the beds (sulking boys), water tank (chilling out boys), garage (taking the car apart but dunno how to put it back boys) kitchen (snacking boys), kitchen cabinets (collecting cockroaches boys) kennel (teasing the dogs boys) Outhouse (sneakily trying out cigarettes boys) trees (climbed up but dunno how to climb down boys) etc. etc etc etc The only place there were no boys in the house was my room. Most 8 – 12 years olds treat little girls like vermin.
If we were invited for weddings, the card specifically said, Mr & Mrs Philip and “their” kids. People realized soon enough that mentioning the word family would mean that the Philip family would outnumber the guests 1 - 10 out of which 8 people would be very dirty, very unkempt and very uninvited guests! My parents usually attended weddings alone so that one of them could baby sit the house to ensure it is not burnt down by the time they came back from the wedding.
Meal times in my house were interesting. Guys eat only meat! Period. And the ones who didn’t were soon converted with or without their knowledge!
Venu’s mom: What is that thing Venu ate at your house yesterday? I searched the whole vegetable market but no one had Shahi Mussalam!
My mom: err umm it is out of season at the moment. Will let you know when it comes into season.
Venus mom: Ah! Appadiyaa!
Venu's mom waited many seasons in vain and then forgot all about it and blamed her son's subsequent conversion to pure non vegetarianism, to Kalyug!
Side stepping the vegetarian parents and maintaining good parental relations was a task more daunting than ballet dancing on a tight rope!
Mrs Srinivasan: Mrs Philip, what is that bonda you packed for G’s lunch the other day? My son says it was delicious!
Mom (cursing G) : err that is called Potato Kabab!
Mrs Srinivasan: You must give me the recipe!!
Mom: I am so sorry I can’t. It is a secret family recipe handed over from my great grandom you know!
Mrs Srinivasan: I understand! I wouldn’t part with my secret Lemon Rasam recipe either! Heh heh
Mom (nervously): heh heh *whew*
Since corporal punishment was banned in the house via my Dads diktat, my mom had to take her frustrations out on the then cat called Amminikutty!
Mom: I am so mad at those boys. One day I will land in a mental asylum because of them!!!
Amminikutty: *mew*
Mom: How long can I keep side stepping peoples questions!!!
Amminikutty: *mew*
Mom: Soon people will stop talking to us!
Amminikutty: *mew*
Mom (breaking down): I can’t take this anymore!
Amminikutty: *mew*
Mom (brightening up): Thanks Amminikutty! You are such a great help. Here is a piece of fish for you!
Amminikutty: *mew!!!*
Amminikutty died of feline obesity soon after but not before my Mom had learned to better control her feelings with Valium.
There were certain rules in the house for my brothers and their guests. No swearing. Water bottles had to filled up and kept back in the fridge after use, no littering and no troubling their host’s sister and her friends (and thus the cockroaches collected had to be set free).
Dad: Rajesh! How many times have I told you that you that you cannot put Cockroaches in the girls room!!!
Rajesh: But Uncle you told me to release them!!
Dad: You make sense son...so I won’t thrash you! Sigh.
Now having two sets of boys in the house of two different age group had its problems. Especially since the age difference between the two group was three plus years. The elder group members (EGM) considered the younger group members (YGM) essential vermin as they were easy picking as child labor for their various activities. As a result, the younger group earned quite a lot of money in my house, fetching stuff and polishing bicycles and telling lies on their behalf.
YGM to Dad: See I got 50 paise for cleaning Vinods bike!!
Dad: Good! So you must be making fifty paise per bike everyday? You will be a rich boy at the end of the month!!
YGM (proudly): This is my whole month’s salary for cleaning all the bikes!
Dad: $%@&!!
The EGM’s however underestimated their slave’s capacity to hold fort for them.
Dad: Where are the big boys Anil?
Anil: They are studying!
Dad: And what are they studying
Anil: They are studying some girl’s pictures behind the house!
Dad: $%@&!! err I mean thank you!
We girls were also entrusted with special errands by the EGM and made quite a lot of chocolates out of them!
Dev an EGM: Tina, will you give this note to Anita in 8th A tomorrow?
Tina: We are not allowed to go to the High School!
Dev: Please!!! I will give you a Chocolate da!
Tina: Ok!
Next day while Tina and me chomped on the chocolate wondering how we could get past the Primary School gates and reach the High School, Anita walks past!
Tina: Dev gave this for you!
Anita: Thank you! Is he your brother?
Tina: No!
Anita: Then how do you know him?
Tina: We deliver notes for him!
Anita: $%@&!!
Dev spent many a day hoping for a reply and then resigned himself to rejection. This was his 657th rejection and Tina and me became a beacon of sorts for the high school gals…a beacon that says, here comes the girls who deliver notes from losers!
Atul (another EGM): Anju, will you take this note and give it to Sheela in 9th B?
Me: What is this?
Atul: err just some Maths homework!
Next day, while Tina and me chomped on the chocolate wondering how we could get past the Primary School gates and reach the High School, who but Sheela’s Maths teacher walks past! No prizes for guessing what happened next, but Sheela and Atul spent some quality time in detention...alone and the entrepreneurial talents of two budding Courier tycoons was very tactfully, nipped in the bud.
Now with experience this rich and varied, I am sure you will all agree that that my book will be a definite best seller!
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Keep it Short Message Service Stupid
Have you got an SMS asking you to join in a promotional contest by your mobile service providers? You might have got several! According to a Press Release by the Mobile Service Providers Association (MSP), in future the contest questions will be customized to specific regions of India like the South, North, East and the West to keep the contest simple yet challenging.
Here are the contest questions framed for Kerala subscribers which was leaked to us by a BSNL employee.
1. How do you say “Yes” in Hindi?
a. Haan
b. Ha Ha Ha
c. Ho Ho Ho
d. He He He
2. How do you say “Me” in Hindi?
a. Mein
b. Mein aur meri thanhayi
c. Mun Mun Sen
d. Main Khiladi Tu Anadi
3. What is the Hindi word for “You”?
a. Tu
b. Tu Tu Mein Mein
c. Tu meri laila mein tera John Abraham!
d. Hum tum ek kamre mein band ho...hai...hum...err wotever!
4. And what is the Hindi word for “Go” ?
a. Jao
b. Jaagte raho
c. Jaan - e- man
d. Dum maaro Dum
5 What is meaning of the Hindi word “Khaana”?
a. Meal
b. Khana Khazana
c. Khana Peena
d. Kentucky Fried chicken
6. And how do you say “Greetings” in Hindi!
a. Namasthe!
b. Saale!!
c. Kuththe!!!
d. Kameene!!!
According to a top official of the MSP who prefers to remain anonymous, none of the respondents from Kerala got any of the answers right! The last question was later withdrawn when a subscriber argued in court that all the answers to that question were correct.
Reporters who went to popular actor Sohan Pal’s residence to get his views on this debacle were told that the 70 year old actor was away shooting for his new film “Cambuzz” in which he is starring as a 16 years old teenager, in love with his 15 year old junior played by 15 year old actress Sonia. The film is slated to release for the school vacations. The Censor Board are reportedly trying to give this movie an ‘A' certification so that young impressionable minds are not scarred for life after watching it...which according to studies leads to antisocial activities like unionism and communism among kids in later years.
p.s. the correct answer is “A”. Among the mallus who attempted the questions and got all the answers wrong, congratulations! You just proved yourself to be a true blue Malayalee !!
Among the non mallus who attempted this contest and got all the answers wrong, congratulations!! You have just become an honorary South Indian!!!
A sneak preview of a contest question made for North Indian subscribers is given below!
Q. Where is Kerala?
a. Wotzat?
b. Karela? Lemme guess....subzi mandi?
c. Aapke paas do rupiya ka chutta hoga?
d. Chintu bete!! Google and see where is this Ke, Ka, Ki…umm…Madras!!
Here are the contest questions framed for Kerala subscribers which was leaked to us by a BSNL employee.
1. How do you say “Yes” in Hindi?
a. Haan
b. Ha Ha Ha
c. Ho Ho Ho
d. He He He
2. How do you say “Me” in Hindi?
a. Mein
b. Mein aur meri thanhayi
c. Mun Mun Sen
d. Main Khiladi Tu Anadi
3. What is the Hindi word for “You”?
a. Tu
b. Tu Tu Mein Mein
c. Tu meri laila mein tera John Abraham!
d. Hum tum ek kamre mein band ho...hai...hum...err wotever!
4. And what is the Hindi word for “Go” ?
a. Jao
b. Jaagte raho
c. Jaan - e- man
d. Dum maaro Dum
5 What is meaning of the Hindi word “Khaana”?
a. Meal
b. Khana Khazana
c. Khana Peena
d. Kentucky Fried chicken
6. And how do you say “Greetings” in Hindi!
a. Namasthe!
b. Saale!!
c. Kuththe!!!
d. Kameene!!!
According to a top official of the MSP who prefers to remain anonymous, none of the respondents from Kerala got any of the answers right! The last question was later withdrawn when a subscriber argued in court that all the answers to that question were correct.
Reporters who went to popular actor Sohan Pal’s residence to get his views on this debacle were told that the 70 year old actor was away shooting for his new film “Cambuzz” in which he is starring as a 16 years old teenager, in love with his 15 year old junior played by 15 year old actress Sonia. The film is slated to release for the school vacations. The Censor Board are reportedly trying to give this movie an ‘A' certification so that young impressionable minds are not scarred for life after watching it...which according to studies leads to antisocial activities like unionism and communism among kids in later years.
p.s. the correct answer is “A”. Among the mallus who attempted the questions and got all the answers wrong, congratulations! You just proved yourself to be a true blue Malayalee !!
Among the non mallus who attempted this contest and got all the answers wrong, congratulations!! You have just become an honorary South Indian!!!
A sneak preview of a contest question made for North Indian subscribers is given below!
Q. Where is Kerala?
a. Wotzat?
b. Karela? Lemme guess....subzi mandi?
c. Aapke paas do rupiya ka chutta hoga?
d. Chintu bete!! Google and see where is this Ke, Ka, Ki…umm…Madras!!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Agony aunt and an agonising niece!
I work in the marketing section of my company. The floor where I sit is dedicated to various marketing groups. There are about 7 ladies working here in various groups. I am the only unmarried dame here. And as is wont of women, we talk. Ok…we yak. And as the only unmarried gal I am the Agony Aunt for these ladies. Most of them are very sweet and come down for a chat after pinging me to see if I am free. But there is one particular lady who is a different race of womankind altogether. This lady had all the problems in the world and thinks she can come and sit and talk to me for hours even if I am busy. Of course when she is busy she will not even look at you and will mumble a “No” when you ask her if she is joining the female horde going for coffee…characteristically “together”.
However she regularly drops onto my workstation and will go on and on and on about her problems. I tried SMS’ing friends telling them to call me so that I can feign a phone call and get her off my back but to no avail. She will patiently wait for me to finish the conversation and then start off again. If I were a doctor this is how a day in my life would go.
Nurse to me: Doctor!! A patient has been bought in with a bullet wound!
My colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me: Prepare the Operation Theater! Quick!!
Colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me to Nurse: Scalpel please…
Colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Nurse: The patient’s heartbeat is slowing down doctor!!
Colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me: I am going to revive his heart with electric shock. Everybody stand back!!!
Colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Nurse: Heart beat still falling Doctor!!
Colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me to colleague: err I am kinda busy here!
Colleague: This wont take too long...Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me to nurse: I am afraid we have lost him!
Colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me to relations: I am sorry...we tried our best...but the patient died five minutes ago.
Relations: *wailing*
Colleague: So sad! And Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me to Nurse: Please see to that they get all possible help with the discharge of the body.
Colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Relations: *still wailing*
Colleague: Hey!!! Looks like you are free. And so I was saying…. Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me: *sigh*
When you can't beat 'em why fight 'em right? So lets look at the bright side and...thank god I am not a Doctor!!! *whew*
However she regularly drops onto my workstation and will go on and on and on about her problems. I tried SMS’ing friends telling them to call me so that I can feign a phone call and get her off my back but to no avail. She will patiently wait for me to finish the conversation and then start off again. If I were a doctor this is how a day in my life would go.
Nurse to me: Doctor!! A patient has been bought in with a bullet wound!
My colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me: Prepare the Operation Theater! Quick!!
Colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me to Nurse: Scalpel please…
Colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Nurse: The patient’s heartbeat is slowing down doctor!!
Colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me: I am going to revive his heart with electric shock. Everybody stand back!!!
Colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Nurse: Heart beat still falling Doctor!!
Colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me to colleague: err I am kinda busy here!
Colleague: This wont take too long...Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me to nurse: I am afraid we have lost him!
Colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me to relations: I am sorry...we tried our best...but the patient died five minutes ago.
Relations: *wailing*
Colleague: So sad! And Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me to Nurse: Please see to that they get all possible help with the discharge of the body.
Colleague: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Relations: *still wailing*
Colleague: Hey!!! Looks like you are free. And so I was saying…. Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah.
Me: *sigh*
When you can't beat 'em why fight 'em right? So lets look at the bright side and...thank god I am not a Doctor!!! *whew*
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Easter wisdom
Happy Easter everyone!!!! And to those who don’t celebrate, wishing you a rocking Sunday!!! I am in good old Gods Own Country Bar and Liquor Shop a.k.a Kerala for Easter. The weather is fine, the men are not err I mean most of them above the age of 18 are in various stages of recovery from alcohol abuse after the midnight Easter Mass. Before I go in and help the ladies toiling in the kitchen I thought I will sneak in and wish every one. If I am caught at the lappie, this might be my last Easter according to my amma :(
Anyways…onto my narration. I have been a very bad girl this Easter :( And feeling so happy about it too *GRIN* And why? You didn’t ask but I will tell you anyways. There were quite a few people who dropped in home yesterday for the usual pre Easter mingling. A teenage cousin called up from Mumbai to wish his grand mom and grandpa and upon being told that they were our place called up our house. My brother M picked up the phone. Let’s call this cousin brother Roshan Jacob (actual name).
Roshan: Hello?
M: Hello?
Roshan: Achchachan? (grandpa)
M: Yes!
Roshan: Happy Easter in advance achchacha!!!!
M: Happy Easter mone! God Bless you!
Roshan: Thank you achchacha. So what are plans for Easter?
M: The usual. We are meeting up here for lunch. Your ammachi (grandmother) is making the payasam (kheer). What are you all doing?
Roshan: Everyone is meeting here for lunch. Sanjay and Bobby are down from Dubai and Neils from Singapore. They leave for Kerala on Monday. So I am going party hopping with them tomorrow night.
M: Good! Good! Party safe mone.
Roshan: Awww achchacha. This is Mumbai. It’s quite safe. Besides we are going to our friends houses!
Me: Endhalayum....be careful. Remember the old adage. “Man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab.”
Roshan: What!!!
M: So be very careful mone.
Roshan: *gasp* Where did you hear that achchacha!!
M: hmmm I think Sebastian sent this to me by email.
Roshan: That is just a joke achchacha!
M: Joke? I haven’t heard anything wiser in my life!!!! Hmmpphh!
Roshan: But achchacha...
M: If I had got this 50 years ago…err never mind. So tell me, will there be girls at the party?
Roshan: Yes!
M: hmmm remember son, “Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone”
Roshan: OMG!
M: Hummph don’t tell me you lost it already!!!
Roshan: No achchacha! I haven’t…I mean...
M: Good!! Remember the old saying “Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.”
Roshan: Achchacha please don’t take everything Sebastian sends literally. He…
M: What nonsense! I haven’t read anything this wise in years!!
Roshan (quickly): Rohan (younger bro) wants to wish you achchacha.
M: Wait! I haven’t finished yet! A young man like you will face many temptations in life. When you are faced with temptations, remember to say this small prayer “ It takes many a nail to make a crib but one screw to fill it." Amen!
Roshan: *very embarrassed silence*
M (continuing mercilessly): And will you be drinking?
Roshan: No achchacha! I am not yet 18!
M: Ha!! I know you will drink!! Rascal!!
Roshan (hurt): I swear achchacha I won't.
M: Remember the old saying when Satan tempts you, “Do not drink and park, accidents cause people."
Roshan: *squirm* Achchacha please delete mails sent by Seb.
M: Why??? And please speak up mone. I left my hearing aid at home.
Roshan: I SAID, SEB'S MAILS ARE USUALLY DOCTORED.PLEASE TAKE WITH A PINCH OF SALT!
M: Do you have a girl friend?
Roshan: NO!!
M: Good! This is not your age to be having girl friends. There is an old saying "man who lay woman on ground, do not get peace on earth"
Roshan: NO ACHCHACHA, IT IS "MAN WHO LAY WOMAN ON GROUND, GET PIECE ON EARTH" SEB SENT THE MAIL TO ME TOO.
M: Ah! Then you go through it well mone. It is something that every young man must read. I have taken a printout and put it up in the living room.
Roshan: What?? Aiyyyo! Achchacha. Please take it down!!
M: Why? It will be nice to show everyone when they come here tomorrow evening.
Roshan: *groan* I AM GIVING THE PHONE TO MUMMY!
Sound of whispering in the background while M gives the cordless to the real grandfather.
Roshans mom: Hello achcha?
Grandpa: Hello!
Roshans mom: Roshan says that you have stuck some e mail forward in the living room!
Grandpa: Yes I have. Why?
Roshans mom: Well Roshan says it is a joke and not worthy of putting up in the living room.
Grandpa: But it is a nice pencil sketch of Mother Mary made by a Brazilian artist.
Roshan's mom to Roshan: Your grandfather says it is some religious stuff!
Roshan mom to grandpa: Oh! Ok we will call you tomorrow then achcha.
Grandpa: Bye.
I have a feeling that M f#%$ed up a teenagers Easter this year! But what the heck! It was worth a laugh in the house....amongst the group of cousins. The elders...ahem don't know about this or M will be the main course for today’s Easter lunch.
And if you are wondering where I fit into all this…well…I sort of promised Rohan, when he called me frantically that I would sprint across to his Grandfathers house and tear down that non existent paper stuck on the wall ….for a small fee ;) After all this is the season of hope and joy and one mustn’t be too cruel to ones own flesh and blood no?
Have a nice week folks.
Anyways…onto my narration. I have been a very bad girl this Easter :( And feeling so happy about it too *GRIN* And why? You didn’t ask but I will tell you anyways. There were quite a few people who dropped in home yesterday for the usual pre Easter mingling. A teenage cousin called up from Mumbai to wish his grand mom and grandpa and upon being told that they were our place called up our house. My brother M picked up the phone. Let’s call this cousin brother Roshan Jacob (actual name).
Roshan: Hello?
M: Hello?
Roshan: Achchachan? (grandpa)
M: Yes!
Roshan: Happy Easter in advance achchacha!!!!
M: Happy Easter mone! God Bless you!
Roshan: Thank you achchacha. So what are plans for Easter?
M: The usual. We are meeting up here for lunch. Your ammachi (grandmother) is making the payasam (kheer). What are you all doing?
Roshan: Everyone is meeting here for lunch. Sanjay and Bobby are down from Dubai and Neils from Singapore. They leave for Kerala on Monday. So I am going party hopping with them tomorrow night.
M: Good! Good! Party safe mone.
Roshan: Awww achchacha. This is Mumbai. It’s quite safe. Besides we are going to our friends houses!
Me: Endhalayum....be careful. Remember the old adage. “Man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab.”
Roshan: What!!!
M: So be very careful mone.
Roshan: *gasp* Where did you hear that achchacha!!
M: hmmm I think Sebastian sent this to me by email.
Roshan: That is just a joke achchacha!
M: Joke? I haven’t heard anything wiser in my life!!!! Hmmpphh!
Roshan: But achchacha...
M: If I had got this 50 years ago…err never mind. So tell me, will there be girls at the party?
Roshan: Yes!
M: hmmm remember son, “Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone”
Roshan: OMG!
M: Hummph don’t tell me you lost it already!!!
Roshan: No achchacha! I haven’t…I mean...
M: Good!! Remember the old saying “Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.”
Roshan: Achchacha please don’t take everything Sebastian sends literally. He…
M: What nonsense! I haven’t read anything this wise in years!!
Roshan (quickly): Rohan (younger bro) wants to wish you achchacha.
M: Wait! I haven’t finished yet! A young man like you will face many temptations in life. When you are faced with temptations, remember to say this small prayer “ It takes many a nail to make a crib but one screw to fill it." Amen!
Roshan: *very embarrassed silence*
M (continuing mercilessly): And will you be drinking?
Roshan: No achchacha! I am not yet 18!
M: Ha!! I know you will drink!! Rascal!!
Roshan (hurt): I swear achchacha I won't.
M: Remember the old saying when Satan tempts you, “Do not drink and park, accidents cause people."
Roshan: *squirm* Achchacha please delete mails sent by Seb.
M: Why??? And please speak up mone. I left my hearing aid at home.
Roshan: I SAID, SEB'S MAILS ARE USUALLY DOCTORED.PLEASE TAKE WITH A PINCH OF SALT!
M: Do you have a girl friend?
Roshan: NO!!
M: Good! This is not your age to be having girl friends. There is an old saying "man who lay woman on ground, do not get peace on earth"
Roshan: NO ACHCHACHA, IT IS "MAN WHO LAY WOMAN ON GROUND, GET PIECE ON EARTH" SEB SENT THE MAIL TO ME TOO.
M: Ah! Then you go through it well mone. It is something that every young man must read. I have taken a printout and put it up in the living room.
Roshan: What?? Aiyyyo! Achchacha. Please take it down!!
M: Why? It will be nice to show everyone when they come here tomorrow evening.
Roshan: *groan* I AM GIVING THE PHONE TO MUMMY!
Sound of whispering in the background while M gives the cordless to the real grandfather.
Roshans mom: Hello achcha?
Grandpa: Hello!
Roshans mom: Roshan says that you have stuck some e mail forward in the living room!
Grandpa: Yes I have. Why?
Roshans mom: Well Roshan says it is a joke and not worthy of putting up in the living room.
Grandpa: But it is a nice pencil sketch of Mother Mary made by a Brazilian artist.
Roshan's mom to Roshan: Your grandfather says it is some religious stuff!
Roshan mom to grandpa: Oh! Ok we will call you tomorrow then achcha.
Grandpa: Bye.
I have a feeling that M f#%$ed up a teenagers Easter this year! But what the heck! It was worth a laugh in the house....amongst the group of cousins. The elders...ahem don't know about this or M will be the main course for today’s Easter lunch.
And if you are wondering where I fit into all this…well…I sort of promised Rohan, when he called me frantically that I would sprint across to his Grandfathers house and tear down that non existent paper stuck on the wall ….for a small fee ;) After all this is the season of hope and joy and one mustn’t be too cruel to ones own flesh and blood no?
Have a nice week folks.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Meeting my makers
Parent Teacher Meetings…the very word brings a flood of warm memories for me…and a flood of harrowing memories for my Mom. I smile happily in reminiscence while she cringes. I loved going for PTA meetings even if my report card and discipline record was the pits. My Dad always accompanied me and he had a healthy disregard for Parent Teacher Meetings (PTA). Like most primary school kids, the villains in my small world were mostly teachers and not ghost and ghouls and Goblins. And like most kids I was convinced that my Dad was a superhero and hence my expectations of him was err...a bit too high.
Dad’s friend: Shall we meet up today for lunch?
Dad: No. I have to go for a PTA meeting.
Friend: That would take about an hour right? You can drop by after that!
Dad: Nopes, My daughter says that I have to meet the Science teacher….
Friend: Well that shouldn’t take more then 10 minutes!
Dad (continuing): …and tell her that she is no good.
Friend: Huh!
Dad: And then I am supposed to meet the English teacher ….
Friend: Ok!
Dad: And tell her she sucks.
Friend: What language!
Dad: And she says I cannot use any other language.
Friend: tch tch!
Dad: And then I am supposed to go meet the Hindi teacher and pull her hair real hard.
Friend: OMG!!!
Dad: And then meet the Math teacher and punch him a bit and then threaten him so that he leaves class and there is no more Mathematics in school.
Friend: Jesus!!
Dad: Then I have to meet the History teacher and flirt with her so that she gives my daughter grace marks in History exams.
Friend: *shakes his head disapprovingly*
Dad: And then I am supposed to haul the PT teacher by the collar and drag him to the football ground and punch him around the ground, thrash him to pulp and then pick him up and throw him into the garbage bin.
Friend: :-O
Dad: After that, I have to barge into Sister Principal’s room and tell her that she should abdicate her post and give it to that nice sister Marie who teaches kindergarten and loves my daughter to bits.
Friend: That Nun is over 100 years old surely!
Dad: Exactly! And then I am supposed to intimidate the Canteen lady and tell to either shut shop or stock Chips and Bubble gum banned by the school management!
Friend: God!!!
Dad: And if I have energy left…I am supposed to slap the watchman for not allowing her to go out and buy Guavas which she is forbidden to eat. But she says she buys it for her friends you see.
Friend: Heh!
Dad: I am dreading the day she starts Computer classes next week.
Friend: Why?
Dad: Then I will probably have to beat myself up, as they don’t have a Computer Teacher yet !
Thankfully my Dad had no notions of being a super hero and tactfully ignored my creative suggestions in dealing with my teachers. He believed in handling the situation practically. So while most parents met the class teacher and then the rest of the subject teachers, my Dad bunked after meeting the Class Teacher. And since there was no record of the meetings we were never caught!!
Every attempt by the school authorities to get my Mom or elder brother to come for the meeting was futile as I was trained to give the PTA Meeting Slip only to my Dad.
Mom: When is you next PTA meeting?
Dad: Oh! That was four days ago! I forgot to tell you. heh heh
Mom: %$$#$ (turning to my eldest bro) I swear on everything that is holy and sacred to my family that one day I will get that slip.
Dad: Please make that your “maternal family”.
My Dad slept on the couch that day. But that was for the good actually. We got him all to ourselves to tell us a whole lot of tall tales in which he was the super hero!
I will give anything to walk those dusty corridors again, hanging onto my Dad’s hand, passing class by rickety class and glowering teachers. If looks could kill, a certain Dad and daughter would be deader than a Dodo fourteen years ago… killed instantly by the violent looks of the daughter’s History Teacher, English Teacher, Math Teacher, Hindi Teacher, Kannada Teacher, Geography Teacher, Science Teacher, PT Teacher, EVS Teacher, Catechism Teacher and Watchman.
( When in Dilli do as the higher IQ Dilli'ites do... says Babychen!)
Dad’s friend: Shall we meet up today for lunch?
Dad: No. I have to go for a PTA meeting.
Friend: That would take about an hour right? You can drop by after that!
Dad: Nopes, My daughter says that I have to meet the Science teacher….
Friend: Well that shouldn’t take more then 10 minutes!
Dad (continuing): …and tell her that she is no good.
Friend: Huh!
Dad: And then I am supposed to meet the English teacher ….
Friend: Ok!
Dad: And tell her she sucks.
Friend: What language!
Dad: And she says I cannot use any other language.
Friend: tch tch!
Dad: And then I am supposed to go meet the Hindi teacher and pull her hair real hard.
Friend: OMG!!!
Dad: And then meet the Math teacher and punch him a bit and then threaten him so that he leaves class and there is no more Mathematics in school.
Friend: Jesus!!
Dad: Then I have to meet the History teacher and flirt with her so that she gives my daughter grace marks in History exams.
Friend: *shakes his head disapprovingly*
Dad: And then I am supposed to haul the PT teacher by the collar and drag him to the football ground and punch him around the ground, thrash him to pulp and then pick him up and throw him into the garbage bin.
Friend: :-O
Dad: After that, I have to barge into Sister Principal’s room and tell her that she should abdicate her post and give it to that nice sister Marie who teaches kindergarten and loves my daughter to bits.
Friend: That Nun is over 100 years old surely!
Dad: Exactly! And then I am supposed to intimidate the Canteen lady and tell to either shut shop or stock Chips and Bubble gum banned by the school management!
Friend: God!!!
Dad: And if I have energy left…I am supposed to slap the watchman for not allowing her to go out and buy Guavas which she is forbidden to eat. But she says she buys it for her friends you see.
Friend: Heh!
Dad: I am dreading the day she starts Computer classes next week.
Friend: Why?
Dad: Then I will probably have to beat myself up, as they don’t have a Computer Teacher yet !
Thankfully my Dad had no notions of being a super hero and tactfully ignored my creative suggestions in dealing with my teachers. He believed in handling the situation practically. So while most parents met the class teacher and then the rest of the subject teachers, my Dad bunked after meeting the Class Teacher. And since there was no record of the meetings we were never caught!!
Every attempt by the school authorities to get my Mom or elder brother to come for the meeting was futile as I was trained to give the PTA Meeting Slip only to my Dad.
Mom: When is you next PTA meeting?
Dad: Oh! That was four days ago! I forgot to tell you. heh heh
Mom: %$$#$ (turning to my eldest bro) I swear on everything that is holy and sacred to my family that one day I will get that slip.
Dad: Please make that your “maternal family”.
My Dad slept on the couch that day. But that was for the good actually. We got him all to ourselves to tell us a whole lot of tall tales in which he was the super hero!
I will give anything to walk those dusty corridors again, hanging onto my Dad’s hand, passing class by rickety class and glowering teachers. If looks could kill, a certain Dad and daughter would be deader than a Dodo fourteen years ago… killed instantly by the violent looks of the daughter’s History Teacher, English Teacher, Math Teacher, Hindi Teacher, Kannada Teacher, Geography Teacher, Science Teacher, PT Teacher, EVS Teacher, Catechism Teacher and Watchman.
( When in Dilli do as the higher IQ Dilli'ites do... says Babychen!)
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Down rediscovery lane...
I have lost my identity! I mean I have lost my cooking identity!!! I realized this today morning as I was making breakfast. The realization woke me instantly and I was able to swiftly douse the flames in the kitchen with the help of the Fire Brigade. Weekend breakfasts in my home is made by the three of us siblings so that our mother can get a break from cooking and concentrate on cleaning the mess after we have finished. We are very caring kids you know! And while I was getting breakfast ready, I realized that I was automatically making stuff that the people in the house like.
Now most married women here would say - So what's new ??
To which I would say - Heloooo ladies, I am not married. I haven’t lost my individuality yet!!!! pffft
To which the ladies will say - Yenjoy while it lasts dear *snigger* and *loud unladylike laughter*
Back to the post. So I realized that I was cooking what everybody in the house likes and that I have been doing that for years now. Egads!!! The realization hit me like a thunderbolt!!! I was like a married old hag errr I mean wife now, who had no likes and dislikes of her own. Eeeeks!!!!!!
Emergency repair measures were needed I realized. I had to get back that carefree gal that burnt water when she was 6 years old!! Yes peoples, yours truly has the distinction of being the first wannabe cook kid to have burnt water. Don’t ask me how. But according to my ma I did it and she is damn proud of it. (And that makes it a grand total of "one" thing about me that she is proud of.)
Mom 1: My daughter burnt the toast today. She is learning to cook you know! So sweet.
Mom 2: Mine burnt the fried egg. But only partially. I am so proud of her!!!
My mom: Mine burnt the water.
Mom1 and 2: Leelamme, do you know you have just set a world record for moms!!!
My mom (fluttering eyelashes modestly): I know! *blush*
Anyway I decided that I really needed to reverse the trend and enjoy some years of individuality before I totally lose it on the sacrificial altar of marriage in a couple of years. After some frantic reading of self help sites on the Internet I sat down to de-psyche me of my present culinary enslavement. I had a deep and meaningful chat with my inner me after hunting for her for a good one hour! I finally found her with the help of two stiff shots of Vodka. The poor thing was totally disoriented and had to be coaxed out of her shell with some gentle regressive hypnosis techniques
Silverine (S): Dear girl, today I shall take you back to your childhood and strip the layers of influences that has smothered the real you and then I will bring you back as a spanking new individual with a distinctive character of her own!
Inner Me (in a zombie like voice): Yes Silverine!
S: Think of the day you first felt that stirring to cook!!
Inner me (IM): Ok!
S: What did you want to cook?
IM: The dog actually. But I couldn’t lift him up.
S: err...I mean when did you want to cook like your mom?
IM: hmmm lemme think….
S: It’s been two hours since you have been thinking dear….
IM: I forgot :(
S: Sigh….
IM: I remember!!!
S: Good!!!
IM: The first thing I wanted to make was Ice Cream when I was 8 years old.
S: Good!!! And what ice cream did you want to make?
IM: hmm Dad said I should make Chocolate flavor, chetan ( eldest bro) wanted Strawberry , the other brother wanted Pista and Mom wanted a Valium to drown the thought of me in her kitchen.
S: And what flavor did “you” want to make?
IM: I don’t remember :(
S: That’s all right dear! What is the five operations in the production of ganja cigarettes?
IM: Huh!
S: oooops forget I said that …just one of those self help sites I stumbled onto when I was looking for help for our session you know! Ahem…now tell me what was the next thing you wanted to make?
IM: Cake!!
S: And what cake did you want to make?
IM: Dad wanted Coconut cake, chetan wanted sponge cake, M wanted Chocolate cake and Mom wanted me out of the kitchen!
S: *groan* and what did “you” want to make?
IM: I don’t remember :(
S: Sigh….Anju is there anything you remember about yourself?
IM (looking around): Anju? Who is that?
S: That’s your name for gods sakes!!!
IM: My folks call me Kookie!
S: OMG! Do you have a personality of yours at all!
IM: Duh!
S: (gritting her teeth):…and what was the next thing you wanted to make dear….
IM: Milkshake!!
S (sarcastically): Lemme guess…your Dad wanted Mango milkshake, chetan wanted Strawberry, M wanted Chikoo and your mom wanted out, right?
IM: Spot on!!! But how did you guess that???
S: Never mind. Another Vodka?
IM: Make it a beer. I have been conditioned to drink Vodka you see as the people in the house like Vodka on a Sunday.
S: Bravo!!! I am so proud of you! We are finally making progress!!
IM: Thank you!! Anyways….by that time I fourteen I was standing on my own two feet as a fairly accomplished cook!
S: Wow!! And what is your favorite cuisine?
IM: Dad likes Chinese, chetan likes naadan, M likes…
S (cutting in hurriedly): Say...do you have anything stiffer than Vodka or Beer? Like a bullet to the temple or a Grenade I can pop in the mouth perhaps hmm?
Anyway the session was good and I firmly resolved that I would henceforth cook what I want. And after cooking what I wanted for Lunch today and throwing most of the Eggplant Moussaka, Vegetable Lasagna, Spinach and Broccoli Au Gratin and Coconut Mousse in the dustbin, I also resolved that from now on when I cook what I want, I will make it really small portions. *sigh*
Now most married women here would say - So what's new ??
To which I would say - Heloooo ladies, I am not married. I haven’t lost my individuality yet!!!! pffft
To which the ladies will say - Yenjoy while it lasts dear *snigger* and *loud unladylike laughter*
Back to the post. So I realized that I was cooking what everybody in the house likes and that I have been doing that for years now. Egads!!! The realization hit me like a thunderbolt!!! I was like a married old hag errr I mean wife now, who had no likes and dislikes of her own. Eeeeks!!!!!!
Emergency repair measures were needed I realized. I had to get back that carefree gal that burnt water when she was 6 years old!! Yes peoples, yours truly has the distinction of being the first wannabe cook kid to have burnt water. Don’t ask me how. But according to my ma I did it and she is damn proud of it. (And that makes it a grand total of "one" thing about me that she is proud of.)
Mom 1: My daughter burnt the toast today. She is learning to cook you know! So sweet.
Mom 2: Mine burnt the fried egg. But only partially. I am so proud of her!!!
My mom: Mine burnt the water.
Mom1 and 2: Leelamme, do you know you have just set a world record for moms!!!
My mom (fluttering eyelashes modestly): I know! *blush*
Anyway I decided that I really needed to reverse the trend and enjoy some years of individuality before I totally lose it on the sacrificial altar of marriage in a couple of years. After some frantic reading of self help sites on the Internet I sat down to de-psyche me of my present culinary enslavement. I had a deep and meaningful chat with my inner me after hunting for her for a good one hour! I finally found her with the help of two stiff shots of Vodka. The poor thing was totally disoriented and had to be coaxed out of her shell with some gentle regressive hypnosis techniques
Silverine (S): Dear girl, today I shall take you back to your childhood and strip the layers of influences that has smothered the real you and then I will bring you back as a spanking new individual with a distinctive character of her own!
Inner Me (in a zombie like voice): Yes Silverine!
S: Think of the day you first felt that stirring to cook!!
Inner me (IM): Ok!
S: What did you want to cook?
IM: The dog actually. But I couldn’t lift him up.
S: err...I mean when did you want to cook like your mom?
IM: hmmm lemme think….
S: It’s been two hours since you have been thinking dear….
IM: I forgot :(
S: Sigh….
IM: I remember!!!
S: Good!!!
IM: The first thing I wanted to make was Ice Cream when I was 8 years old.
S: Good!!! And what ice cream did you want to make?
IM: hmm Dad said I should make Chocolate flavor, chetan ( eldest bro) wanted Strawberry , the other brother wanted Pista and Mom wanted a Valium to drown the thought of me in her kitchen.
S: And what flavor did “you” want to make?
IM: I don’t remember :(
S: That’s all right dear! What is the five operations in the production of ganja cigarettes?
IM: Huh!
S: oooops forget I said that …just one of those self help sites I stumbled onto when I was looking for help for our session you know! Ahem…now tell me what was the next thing you wanted to make?
IM: Cake!!
S: And what cake did you want to make?
IM: Dad wanted Coconut cake, chetan wanted sponge cake, M wanted Chocolate cake and Mom wanted me out of the kitchen!
S: *groan* and what did “you” want to make?
IM: I don’t remember :(
S: Sigh….Anju is there anything you remember about yourself?
IM (looking around): Anju? Who is that?
S: That’s your name for gods sakes!!!
IM: My folks call me Kookie!
S: OMG! Do you have a personality of yours at all!
IM: Duh!
S: (gritting her teeth):…and what was the next thing you wanted to make dear….
IM: Milkshake!!
S (sarcastically): Lemme guess…your Dad wanted Mango milkshake, chetan wanted Strawberry, M wanted Chikoo and your mom wanted out, right?
IM: Spot on!!! But how did you guess that???
S: Never mind. Another Vodka?
IM: Make it a beer. I have been conditioned to drink Vodka you see as the people in the house like Vodka on a Sunday.
S: Bravo!!! I am so proud of you! We are finally making progress!!
IM: Thank you!! Anyways….by that time I fourteen I was standing on my own two feet as a fairly accomplished cook!
S: Wow!! And what is your favorite cuisine?
IM: Dad likes Chinese, chetan likes naadan, M likes…
S (cutting in hurriedly): Say...do you have anything stiffer than Vodka or Beer? Like a bullet to the temple or a Grenade I can pop in the mouth perhaps hmm?
Anyway the session was good and I firmly resolved that I would henceforth cook what I want. And after cooking what I wanted for Lunch today and throwing most of the Eggplant Moussaka, Vegetable Lasagna, Spinach and Broccoli Au Gratin and Coconut Mousse in the dustbin, I also resolved that from now on when I cook what I want, I will make it really small portions. *sigh*
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Gimme a break!!
I have just been through a break up peoples. Now…now… hold the tissues and handkerchiefs dears. It is not what you think it is. It is a break up with a guy alright, but he is not my boyfriend. I am still single and unavailable like most Indian girls. So you might wonder what I am talking about right? Well let me explain with this chronological sequence of events….
(Girls on the other hand would have understood the post with the opening line itself and right now may be yawning and saying “lets go grab a coffee, nothing new here”)
Week one
Him (a colleague): Hi!
Her: Hi!
Him: Remember we met the other day. I was with Kevin!
Her: Oh yes!
Him: How you doing?
Her: Fine!
Him: See you around then!
Her: Bye!
Week two
Him: Hi!
Her: Hi!
Him: You had Coffee?
She: No!
Him: I am going over to the cafeteria. Coming?
Her: Sure! Though I have to get back immediately with the coffee.
Him: Okay!
Week three
Him: Hi!!
Her: Hi!
Him: Don’t see you around!
Her: Why? Did you need to speak to me?
Him: No! Just wondering where you were.
Her: Right here on my seat! (duh!)
Him: heh heh
Week four
Him: Hi!
Her: Hi!
Him: Hey did I say something
Her: Huh!
Him: I feel you are avoiding me!
Her: Why should I avoid you??
Him: Oh I felt like that!
Her: *gets back to work ignoring him*
Week five
Him: So where are “We” going this Friday!
Her: “We”??????
Him: Yeah! Movie?
Her: No thanks!
Him: Why????
Her: I have plans.
Him: Oh! Plans? You mean you have a date!
Her: I am meeting with friends.
Him: *phew* Yenjoy then!
Her (reaching for the phone): hmm thanks!
Week six
Him: Hi!! Movie this Friday!
Her: No!
Him: Why?
Her: Because I don’t want to see a movie that’s why!
Him: Dinner?
Her: No thanks!
Him: Then what do you want to do?
Her (shrugging): Nothing!
Him: Listen…if you don’t want to go out with me, then tell me clearly!
Her: I don’t want to go out with you.
Him: *hurt look*
Her: See you. I have a meeting.
Week Seven (first half)
Him: Hiiiiii!
Her: *groan* Hi!
Him: Listen, forget what happened last week and let’s make a fresh start!
Her: What happened last week?
Him: We had that little misunderstanding naah.
Her: Huh?
Him: See you in the evening for coffee then!
Her: No...I am going out for a meeting!
Week Seven (second half)
Him: Coming for coffee?
Her: No thanks!
Him: See!! You have not forgiven me!
Her: Forgiven you for what...for gods sake!
Him: Then let’s have coffee together!
Her: Not now I am busy.
Him: Ok! See ya in the evening then?
Her: I have no idea frankly what I will be doing then. Bye!
Week Eight
Him: Hi!
Her: Now what?
Him: Who was that guy with you at the cafeteria yesterday?
Me: When?
Him :11:26 am
Her: That must be Syed!
Him: hmmm you seeing him?
Her (annoyed): What’s wrong with you! He is one of our Product Managers!!!
Him (hurriedly): Sorry! Just kidding!
She walks away in a huff!
Week eight (Second half)
Him: Hi!
Her: *ignoring him*
Him: Listen I know things are not going well between us.
Her (eyebrows arched) : “Us”?????
Him: It’s because we don’t spend time together!
Her: What!!!!
Him: We won’t be having these tiffs if we spent more time with each other…understand each other…
Her: Ente ammey! (OMG)
Him:…. get to know each other….and..
Her: Listen! I don’t want to know you or spend time with you…
Him: But why?
Her: What do you mean “but why”
Him: I am not going to restrict you in any way if you are concerned about that! I am a very modern guy who….
Her: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, *Jesus give me patience or I might clobber him* 6. 7. 8. 9. 10...
Week eight (last day)
Him (calling her extn): Hello!
She: Hi!
He: Listen, if you are worried that I may not let you work after marriage…
She (biting back expletives): Marriage? OMG! What’s going on here! Listen you may have seen me here for some time, but that was as a summer Intern. I am not…
Him (cutting in): That’s okay if you too young for marriage. I can wait.
Her: Wait? You are going to wait for me? Aaarrrghhhhh *slams the phone down*
He (calling her again): What happened? You kept the phone down?
She (thinking quickly): Hey I would like to chat, but my boyfriend is waiting for me at the reception.
He: Boyfriend????
She (sweetly): Yes!
He: But you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend!
She: But why should I tell you I have a boyfriend?
He: But you should have told me!
She: But why? I don’t think I have to tell a colleague whether I have a BF or not!!
He: I feel like such a fool…
She: Why would you feel like a fool for accompanying me to the vending machine???
Him: Is that all it was “accompanying me to the vending machine?”
Her: Yep!
Him (injured tone): Bye!
Her friend to her: What boyfriend? You don't have a BF!
She: Necessity is the mother of invention dearie! ;)
That btw was my 567th “break up”. Next time I think I will say I am joining the convent. Or may I will say that I …..err hmm well...suggestions welcome!
(Girls on the other hand would have understood the post with the opening line itself and right now may be yawning and saying “lets go grab a coffee, nothing new here”)
Week one
Him (a colleague): Hi!
Her: Hi!
Him: Remember we met the other day. I was with Kevin!
Her: Oh yes!
Him: How you doing?
Her: Fine!
Him: See you around then!
Her: Bye!
Week two
Him: Hi!
Her: Hi!
Him: You had Coffee?
She: No!
Him: I am going over to the cafeteria. Coming?
Her: Sure! Though I have to get back immediately with the coffee.
Him: Okay!
Week three
Him: Hi!!
Her: Hi!
Him: Don’t see you around!
Her: Why? Did you need to speak to me?
Him: No! Just wondering where you were.
Her: Right here on my seat! (duh!)
Him: heh heh
Week four
Him: Hi!
Her: Hi!
Him: Hey did I say something
Her: Huh!
Him: I feel you are avoiding me!
Her: Why should I avoid you??
Him: Oh I felt like that!
Her: *gets back to work ignoring him*
Week five
Him: So where are “We” going this Friday!
Her: “We”??????
Him: Yeah! Movie?
Her: No thanks!
Him: Why????
Her: I have plans.
Him: Oh! Plans? You mean you have a date!
Her: I am meeting with friends.
Him: *phew* Yenjoy then!
Her (reaching for the phone): hmm thanks!
Week six
Him: Hi!! Movie this Friday!
Her: No!
Him: Why?
Her: Because I don’t want to see a movie that’s why!
Him: Dinner?
Her: No thanks!
Him: Then what do you want to do?
Her (shrugging): Nothing!
Him: Listen…if you don’t want to go out with me, then tell me clearly!
Her: I don’t want to go out with you.
Him: *hurt look*
Her: See you. I have a meeting.
Week Seven (first half)
Him: Hiiiiii!
Her: *groan* Hi!
Him: Listen, forget what happened last week and let’s make a fresh start!
Her: What happened last week?
Him: We had that little misunderstanding naah.
Her: Huh?
Him: See you in the evening for coffee then!
Her: No...I am going out for a meeting!
Week Seven (second half)
Him: Coming for coffee?
Her: No thanks!
Him: See!! You have not forgiven me!
Her: Forgiven you for what...for gods sake!
Him: Then let’s have coffee together!
Her: Not now I am busy.
Him: Ok! See ya in the evening then?
Her: I have no idea frankly what I will be doing then. Bye!
Week Eight
Him: Hi!
Her: Now what?
Him: Who was that guy with you at the cafeteria yesterday?
Me: When?
Him :11:26 am
Her: That must be Syed!
Him: hmmm you seeing him?
Her (annoyed): What’s wrong with you! He is one of our Product Managers!!!
Him (hurriedly): Sorry! Just kidding!
She walks away in a huff!
Week eight (Second half)
Him: Hi!
Her: *ignoring him*
Him: Listen I know things are not going well between us.
Her (eyebrows arched) : “Us”?????
Him: It’s because we don’t spend time together!
Her: What!!!!
Him: We won’t be having these tiffs if we spent more time with each other…understand each other…
Her: Ente ammey! (OMG)
Him:…. get to know each other….and..
Her: Listen! I don’t want to know you or spend time with you…
Him: But why?
Her: What do you mean “but why”
Him: I am not going to restrict you in any way if you are concerned about that! I am a very modern guy who….
Her: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, *Jesus give me patience or I might clobber him* 6. 7. 8. 9. 10...
Week eight (last day)
Him (calling her extn): Hello!
She: Hi!
He: Listen, if you are worried that I may not let you work after marriage…
She (biting back expletives): Marriage? OMG! What’s going on here! Listen you may have seen me here for some time, but that was as a summer Intern. I am not…
Him (cutting in): That’s okay if you too young for marriage. I can wait.
Her: Wait? You are going to wait for me? Aaarrrghhhhh *slams the phone down*
He (calling her again): What happened? You kept the phone down?
She (thinking quickly): Hey I would like to chat, but my boyfriend is waiting for me at the reception.
He: Boyfriend????
She (sweetly): Yes!
He: But you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend!
She: But why should I tell you I have a boyfriend?
He: But you should have told me!
She: But why? I don’t think I have to tell a colleague whether I have a BF or not!!
He: I feel like such a fool…
She: Why would you feel like a fool for accompanying me to the vending machine???
Him: Is that all it was “accompanying me to the vending machine?”
Her: Yep!
Him (injured tone): Bye!
Her friend to her: What boyfriend? You don't have a BF!
She: Necessity is the mother of invention dearie! ;)
That btw was my 567th “break up”. Next time I think I will say I am joining the convent. Or may I will say that I …..err hmm well...suggestions welcome!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Cacophony Villa
It’s been three weeks since my err...accident and the finger has healed well. The recuperation period was a memorable time and it was nice to show the finger to all and sundry and get away with it. Jokes abounded in the office about the origin of the injury, which I dismissed as the ramblings of very sick and perverted minds. But I now look at my colleagues with a new disrespect.
According to my bro, it would have healed faster if I had let him bang it with a hammer. I told him that I would definitely try it out as long as I can do the same with his head. Sadly he declined.
Anyways this whole experience bought home the fact rather forcefully that I have such a wonderful and supportive family...when we are not bickering. In fact we are so perfect that we should be bronzed err...strike that out. That would be painful. But the fact is that we are a picture perfect family in every sense of the word. See for yourself!
A family that prays together stays together.
Dad: Jesus Christ!!! Look at the Sensex today!!
Mom: Ente daivame!! The price of fish these days is atrocious!!
Second bro M: O M G!!! Look at that babe err I mean Sania Mirza.
Eldest bro G: For the love of God has anyone seen my black and white striped shirt?
Me: Holy Mother of God I am late again!!!!!
A family that eats together stays together.
Dad: *ugh* sambhar again?
M: *ugh* pavakkai!!
Me: pavakkai!! Yumm!
G: Has anyone seen my black formal pants?
Mom: People who do not like the food cooked here can eat at the Darshini down the road hmmph!
A family that plays together stays together.
Dad: Ace! I win again!
M: Not so fast, I finished before you.
Me: He cheated achcha. I saw him keeping some cards under his legs.
G: Has anyone seen my shoes I picked up from Singapore?
Me: If I knew how to cheat I would win too! :(
Mom: Why can’t we play without cheating like other families!!!
A family that talks together stays together.
Dad: I think tax exemption limit may be raised in the budget!
Mom: I heard Mariamma’s third daughter is getting married to James second son.
M: Wowie!! Look at those err I mean Maria Sharapova plays well.
Me: I am going to shave my head and then elope with Laloo Prasad Yadav!!
G (plaintively): Has anyone seen my black tie?
M: For gods sake stop whining. You will find your stuff in my cupboard.
Me: See!! I knew it!! No one listens to me !
G: *whew* Thank you! I was afraid I left it behind at the hotel!
M: And don’t mess up my cupboard*!!!
* Something so messed up that even God cannot make it worse.
And so what was I saying!? Something about us being the picture perfect family …yeah sure...if the picture was made by a spastic color blind bat! :)
Have a nice week everyone!
According to my bro, it would have healed faster if I had let him bang it with a hammer. I told him that I would definitely try it out as long as I can do the same with his head. Sadly he declined.
Anyways this whole experience bought home the fact rather forcefully that I have such a wonderful and supportive family...when we are not bickering. In fact we are so perfect that we should be bronzed err...strike that out. That would be painful. But the fact is that we are a picture perfect family in every sense of the word. See for yourself!
A family that prays together stays together.
Dad: Jesus Christ!!! Look at the Sensex today!!
Mom: Ente daivame!! The price of fish these days is atrocious!!
Second bro M: O M G!!! Look at that babe err I mean Sania Mirza.
Eldest bro G: For the love of God has anyone seen my black and white striped shirt?
Me: Holy Mother of God I am late again!!!!!
A family that eats together stays together.
Dad: *ugh* sambhar again?
M: *ugh* pavakkai!!
Me: pavakkai!! Yumm!
G: Has anyone seen my black formal pants?
Mom: People who do not like the food cooked here can eat at the Darshini down the road hmmph!
A family that plays together stays together.
Dad: Ace! I win again!
M: Not so fast, I finished before you.
Me: He cheated achcha. I saw him keeping some cards under his legs.
G: Has anyone seen my shoes I picked up from Singapore?
Me: If I knew how to cheat I would win too! :(
Mom: Why can’t we play without cheating like other families!!!
A family that talks together stays together.
Dad: I think tax exemption limit may be raised in the budget!
Mom: I heard Mariamma’s third daughter is getting married to James second son.
M: Wowie!! Look at those err I mean Maria Sharapova plays well.
Me: I am going to shave my head and then elope with Laloo Prasad Yadav!!
G (plaintively): Has anyone seen my black tie?
M: For gods sake stop whining. You will find your stuff in my cupboard.
Me: See!! I knew it!! No one listens to me !
G: *whew* Thank you! I was afraid I left it behind at the hotel!
M: And don’t mess up my cupboard*!!!
* Something so messed up that even God cannot make it worse.
And so what was I saying!? Something about us being the picture perfect family …yeah sure...if the picture was made by a spastic color blind bat! :)
Have a nice week everyone!
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