There are some guys who seem severely challenged, when it comes to deciphering a girl’s lack of interest in them. They seem to misread the simple yet pointed signals a girl sends out which says “Eff off!!”. This post is dedicated to such guys, mostly in their 20’s who think they are God’s gift to woman kind.I thought I will clear up the air for them for me and my sisterhood.
So how do you know that a girl is not interested in you?
1. She tells you frankly that she is not interested in you.
2. She calls you aside and tells you leave her alone when you ignore Point No1.
3. She tells you to that she hates the bl**dy sight of you when you ignore Point No 1 and 2.
4. She starts avoiding you when you ignore Point No 1, 2 and 3.
5. She throws you a vicious body punch when you try to talk to her after Point No 3 and 4.
6. She takes the card you sent and tears it to bits and stuffs it down your throat with a stick when you ignore Point No 4 and 5.
7. She takes the flowers you sent, crushes it to a pulp and stuffs you into the flowers vase and throws you out of the window.
8. She forwards all your mails to your Team Lead and HR with a formal complaint.
9. She forwards all your mails from your fake email ID to your Team Lead and HR with a formal complaint.
10. She files a police complaint against you.
11. She gets a restraining order against you.
12. She hires a few people to break your leg.
13. Then she hires some more people to break the other leg. (When “all above” doesn’t work.)
14. She ties you to a hot air balloon and sets you into the blue yonder.
15. She kidnaps your parents and asks for a ransom of your resignation and relocation to another part of the country.
16. She lures you to the top of a tall building and pushes you down!
17. She replaces all the songs in your IPod with Himesh Reshammiya.
18. She ties you up on the railway track!
There are more….but it’s no point elucidating the same. Some people just don’t get the hint.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Madren lav staries
Story one - Tragedy
Girl meets boy
Boy asks girl out
Girl likes boy
Girl goes home, Googles boy
Finds him on Orkut, Facebook and Twitter
Girl checks out boy's social networking accounts
Girl dumps boy
Story two - Romance
Girl meets boy
Boy ask girl out
Girl likes boy
Girl Googles boy
Finds him on Orkut, Facebook and Twitter
Girl checks out boy's social networking accounts
Girl decides to keep meeting boy
Ah! Modern love stories are so uncomplicated no? No more getting to know each other better. Most info about yourself is on social networking accounts already. And that is why I do not have a Facebook or Orkut account and my Twitter account is protected tee hee
Have nice worry-full weekend, all ye guys :p
Girl meets boy
Boy asks girl out
Girl likes boy
Girl goes home, Googles boy
Finds him on Orkut, Facebook and Twitter
Girl checks out boy's social networking accounts
Girl dumps boy
Story two - Romance
Girl meets boy
Boy ask girl out
Girl likes boy
Girl Googles boy
Finds him on Orkut, Facebook and Twitter
Girl checks out boy's social networking accounts
Girl decides to keep meeting boy
Ah! Modern love stories are so uncomplicated no? No more getting to know each other better. Most info about yourself is on social networking accounts already. And that is why I do not have a Facebook or Orkut account and my Twitter account is protected tee hee
Have nice worry-full weekend, all ye guys :p
Monday, March 08, 2010
The white elephant
Mom was going away for the weekend. And she did what she usually does before she leaves….stuff the fridge with ‘customized’ eatables so that that her darling babykins ( a.k.a my middle brother) does not starve. He is a non vegetarian by religion and eating vegetables is against his religious and personal principles. And since the cook doesn’t make continental food, mom cooked and stuffed the fridge with various continental delicacies and left a note on the fridge, to reinforce some instructions given to his deaf ears earlier in the day.
1. Do not leave empty dishes in the fridge. Put them to wash.
2. If there is little food left in the dish, transfer to a smaller dish and put the dish for washing.
3. Put the dish for washing in the sink.
4. Do not give the dogs pasta or I will make kanji for you next time.
5. The coleslaw is in the orange tiffin. To be used for burgers and rolls only. Do not use as dip.
6. There is buns and rolls in the cupboard. Do not eat plain sausages.
7. Drink water.
8. I have boiled veggies to go with your pasta.
9. Make sure you eat the veggies with the pasta.
After mom had left we i.e. me, dad and my eldest brother looked at the scribbled instructions and then looked around to see if the coast was clear and added another point at the bottom.
10. Make sure you take a spoon of Sat Isabgol (laxative) every night.
Precious prince is looking all befuddled and confused at the message and grumbles about the tasteless Sat Isabgol which he has to take every night on mommykins orders.
We are having a hard time keeping a straight face.
We have also decided that we will not clear the empty dishes from the fridge and the maid has been threatened with a painful death if she dares remove them. We are hoping that when mommykins comes and beholds the fridge, she will hopefully whack sonnykins ears or maybe slap him about or perhaps give him a thrashing with the broom. Of course, nothing of that sort will happen. But the thought is soooo nice.
Have a nice week folks.
1. Do not leave empty dishes in the fridge. Put them to wash.
2. If there is little food left in the dish, transfer to a smaller dish and put the dish for washing.
3. Put the dish for washing in the sink.
4. Do not give the dogs pasta or I will make kanji for you next time.
5. The coleslaw is in the orange tiffin. To be used for burgers and rolls only. Do not use as dip.
6. There is buns and rolls in the cupboard. Do not eat plain sausages.
7. Drink water.
8. I have boiled veggies to go with your pasta.
9. Make sure you eat the veggies with the pasta.
After mom had left we i.e. me, dad and my eldest brother looked at the scribbled instructions and then looked around to see if the coast was clear and added another point at the bottom.
10. Make sure you take a spoon of Sat Isabgol (laxative) every night.
Precious prince is looking all befuddled and confused at the message and grumbles about the tasteless Sat Isabgol which he has to take every night on mommykins orders.
We are having a hard time keeping a straight face.
We have also decided that we will not clear the empty dishes from the fridge and the maid has been threatened with a painful death if she dares remove them. We are hoping that when mommykins comes and beholds the fridge, she will hopefully whack sonnykins ears or maybe slap him about or perhaps give him a thrashing with the broom. Of course, nothing of that sort will happen. But the thought is soooo nice.
Have a nice week folks.
Monday, March 01, 2010
While I was sleeping
Warning: Long post
“You know what Anjali…” said a pro blogger amongst my colleagues. “ I am turning 25 this year and that scares me.”
“Why should a birthday scare you?” I asked tactlessly.
“Arey, I am 25, with no life and no clue where my life is headed!” he exclaimed mournfully.
“So why are you telling me this? What can I do yaar.” I replied trying to read the magazine that I was trying to read since he plonked himself next to me.
“You are a happy go lucky girl yaar. No care in the world. I talk to you in the hope that some of that happiness rubs off on me too.” He said with a woebegone face.
“Look, I do not posses any magic mantra to be happy.I just don’t sit and moan like you all at everything and anything. You either pick up happiness or sadness. The choice is yours.” I looked at him briefly. “Anyway what is bothering you? You have a good job, nice folks, and a home of your own….”
“There are parts of my life that are exciting. Very exciting.” He said smiling goofily.
“And what are they, pray tell me. When you go out to have a cigarette?” I asked sarcastically.
“ No!” he said shaking his head vigorously. “Having a cigarette is great but there are other things too.”
I looked at him in disbelief!
“Today I was reading about Domain Authority & Page Authority Metrics at this Search Engine Optimization (SEO) blog.” He said animatedly. “And the site had a very exciting feature….” He finished breathlessly.
“And what was that err feature?” I asked uninterested.
“A NEW LINK CHECKER AND BACKLINK ANALYSIS TOOL!!!!!!!!!” he shouted scaring me out of my wits.
“Err that sounds umm nice.” I said, looking desperately around for an excuse to escape.
“And tomorrow..” he continued animatedly “we are having a small blogger meet up to discuss metrics that gives us insight and intelligence on blog , domains, and link profiles, as well as why these metrics can be a better predictor of ranking success than others that may have been used in the past!!” he finished panting breathlessly.
He looked at me his eyes shining ,“You wanna join us?”
“Nooooooooo!!! I mean I think I have something planned for tomorrow evening.” I said desperately.
“Anyway Arnab (not his real name)” I said evasively, trying to change the boring topic. “What do you after you go home from office?”
“I like to read” he said.
“What do you like to read?” I asked kindly.
“Well…” he said his eyes far away. “Right now I am reading ‘Do E-books Create Personal Brands’.”
I nearly fell off the chair in shock.
“What!!! I mean how interesting” I said recovering quickly and trying not to show my disgust. “Why don’t you read something light like ‘Dear John’ by Nicholas Sparks. I can lend it to you if you want.
“Arey Anjali, do you want to kill my brain cells? Who reads such trash!!” he said scornfully.
“I do” said I trying not to slap him.
“Haha yaar. Mazaak mat kar. You seriously read such books? You need a life, fast.” he said chuckling and shaking his head.
“I thought we were discussing “your” lack of life vis a vis mine.” I said barely able to control my temper.
“You are right yaar. Thanks for reminding me. Anyway don’t tell me to read such book please.” he pleaded.
“Very well Arnab. Let’s look at “other” ways to make your life interesting.” I said resignedly. “You have a girlfriend?” I asked.
“I had.” he said briefly.
“What happened?” I ask trying not to appear too nosey.
“Hamare vichaar alag the. She and I were poles apart.” He said moodily.
“Could you please elaborate?” I asked knowing full well what was to come.
“Well…we never agreed on anything. I mean she wanted to go to the movies, I preferred to watch a podcast. Then, she liked to go for long walks while I preferred to use that time for recording a Podcast. They have such interesting topics! Have you seen Livestream? Amazing site for Live Streaming.” He finished looking really excited.
“Jesus Christ!’ I swore. “You need a complete alteration of your life man. Or we will have a holiday the day after you swing from the fan!!”
“Arey, suicide tho cowards karthe hain. I have too much to live for.” He said dreamily.
“Like?” I asked, regretting that question for the rest of my life.
I dunno what happened after that. But I went into a deep slumber and dreamt of being chased by……auto generated text, Google analytics, linkscape index SEO best practices, HTTP status codes, affiliate sites and some other horrible stuff.
Someone shook me awake. It was Foxy. Arnab was nowhere to be seen.
“What are you sleeping here for?” he asked “And what was that Arnab talking to you while you slept?”
“How long have I been sleeping!” I asked drowsily. “Over half an hour” said Foxy.
“Where is Arnab?” I asked not particularly interested in knowing his whereabouts.
“He said something about getting some printouts for you and left” said Foxy. “Apparently you said that you would be interested in attending this SEO conference in Delhi.
“What!!!” I sat up bolt upright. “I said what??” I repeated stupidly.
“Ha ha Anjali. If I were you I would start packing. And don’t forget to take “Dummies guide to Pro Blogging.” chuckled Foxy.
“Why” I asked stupidly.
“Because you agreed to give a talk about your experience of going pro!” said Foxy laughing hysterically.
I am on indefinite leave from today.
“You know what Anjali…” said a pro blogger amongst my colleagues. “ I am turning 25 this year and that scares me.”
“Why should a birthday scare you?” I asked tactlessly.
“Arey, I am 25, with no life and no clue where my life is headed!” he exclaimed mournfully.
“So why are you telling me this? What can I do yaar.” I replied trying to read the magazine that I was trying to read since he plonked himself next to me.
“You are a happy go lucky girl yaar. No care in the world. I talk to you in the hope that some of that happiness rubs off on me too.” He said with a woebegone face.
“Look, I do not posses any magic mantra to be happy.I just don’t sit and moan like you all at everything and anything. You either pick up happiness or sadness. The choice is yours.” I looked at him briefly. “Anyway what is bothering you? You have a good job, nice folks, and a home of your own….”
“There are parts of my life that are exciting. Very exciting.” He said smiling goofily.
“And what are they, pray tell me. When you go out to have a cigarette?” I asked sarcastically.
“ No!” he said shaking his head vigorously. “Having a cigarette is great but there are other things too.”
I looked at him in disbelief!
“Today I was reading about Domain Authority & Page Authority Metrics at this Search Engine Optimization (SEO) blog.” He said animatedly. “And the site had a very exciting feature….” He finished breathlessly.
“And what was that err feature?” I asked uninterested.
“A NEW LINK CHECKER AND BACKLINK ANALYSIS TOOL!!!!!!!!!” he shouted scaring me out of my wits.
“Err that sounds umm nice.” I said, looking desperately around for an excuse to escape.
“And tomorrow..” he continued animatedly “we are having a small blogger meet up to discuss metrics that gives us insight and intelligence on blog , domains, and link profiles, as well as why these metrics can be a better predictor of ranking success than others that may have been used in the past!!” he finished panting breathlessly.
He looked at me his eyes shining ,“You wanna join us?”
“Nooooooooo!!! I mean I think I have something planned for tomorrow evening.” I said desperately.
“Anyway Arnab (not his real name)” I said evasively, trying to change the boring topic. “What do you after you go home from office?”
“I like to read” he said.
“What do you like to read?” I asked kindly.
“Well…” he said his eyes far away. “Right now I am reading ‘Do E-books Create Personal Brands’.”
I nearly fell off the chair in shock.
“What!!! I mean how interesting” I said recovering quickly and trying not to show my disgust. “Why don’t you read something light like ‘Dear John’ by Nicholas Sparks. I can lend it to you if you want.
“Arey Anjali, do you want to kill my brain cells? Who reads such trash!!” he said scornfully.
“I do” said I trying not to slap him.
“Haha yaar. Mazaak mat kar. You seriously read such books? You need a life, fast.” he said chuckling and shaking his head.
“I thought we were discussing “your” lack of life vis a vis mine.” I said barely able to control my temper.
“You are right yaar. Thanks for reminding me. Anyway don’t tell me to read such book please.” he pleaded.
“Very well Arnab. Let’s look at “other” ways to make your life interesting.” I said resignedly. “You have a girlfriend?” I asked.
“I had.” he said briefly.
“What happened?” I ask trying not to appear too nosey.
“Hamare vichaar alag the. She and I were poles apart.” He said moodily.
“Could you please elaborate?” I asked knowing full well what was to come.
“Well…we never agreed on anything. I mean she wanted to go to the movies, I preferred to watch a podcast. Then, she liked to go for long walks while I preferred to use that time for recording a Podcast. They have such interesting topics! Have you seen Livestream? Amazing site for Live Streaming.” He finished looking really excited.
“Jesus Christ!’ I swore. “You need a complete alteration of your life man. Or we will have a holiday the day after you swing from the fan!!”
“Arey, suicide tho cowards karthe hain. I have too much to live for.” He said dreamily.
“Like?” I asked, regretting that question for the rest of my life.
I dunno what happened after that. But I went into a deep slumber and dreamt of being chased by……auto generated text, Google analytics, linkscape index SEO best practices, HTTP status codes, affiliate sites and some other horrible stuff.
Someone shook me awake. It was Foxy. Arnab was nowhere to be seen.
“What are you sleeping here for?” he asked “And what was that Arnab talking to you while you slept?”
“How long have I been sleeping!” I asked drowsily. “Over half an hour” said Foxy.
“Where is Arnab?” I asked not particularly interested in knowing his whereabouts.
“He said something about getting some printouts for you and left” said Foxy. “Apparently you said that you would be interested in attending this SEO conference in Delhi.
“What!!!” I sat up bolt upright. “I said what??” I repeated stupidly.
“Ha ha Anjali. If I were you I would start packing. And don’t forget to take “Dummies guide to Pro Blogging.” chuckled Foxy.
“Why” I asked stupidly.
“Because you agreed to give a talk about your experience of going pro!” said Foxy laughing hysterically.
I am on indefinite leave from today.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Return in kind
Sometimes, little gestures of thoughtfulness from your colleagues and friends or even strangers, leaves a deep impression on you. Even the smallest act of kindness reminds you of the goodness that exists in this world and your faith in humanity is restored. Your day begins to look good and you feel a spring in your step and a smile taking possession of your lips.
One such story touched my heart today. My friend who sits a little further way from me was telling me of her colleague who moves out of their shared work area to attend to her mobile calls. This ensures that my friend is not disturbed as her colleague needs to settles issues with training vendors, which necessitates shouting, screaming, abusing and not so kind references to their ancestors.
Now the kind colleague walks out of her work area and shouts, screams, abuses and makes not so kind references to the vendors ancestors...in my work area! So thoughtful no?
We are planning on reciprocating the nice gesture by taking her mobile, and flushing it down the toilet. Friday looks rosy already!
Have a great weekend folks!
One such story touched my heart today. My friend who sits a little further way from me was telling me of her colleague who moves out of their shared work area to attend to her mobile calls. This ensures that my friend is not disturbed as her colleague needs to settles issues with training vendors, which necessitates shouting, screaming, abusing and not so kind references to their ancestors.
Now the kind colleague walks out of her work area and shouts, screams, abuses and makes not so kind references to the vendors ancestors...in my work area! So thoughtful no?
We are planning on reciprocating the nice gesture by taking her mobile, and flushing it down the toilet. Friday looks rosy already!
Have a great weekend folks!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Driving under the influence of stupidity
An intern engineer in our office requested for leave today as soon as he came to office . The conversation between him and the boss went like this.
Intern: Sir, I need a half day’s leave today.
Boss: Why?
Intern: Ahem, I need to meet someone.
Boss: You can meet him or her on weekend!
Intern: No Sir, I have to meet him today at 12 ‘o’ clock sharp.
Boss: You meeting a doctor?
Intern: No!
Boss: Prospective in laws? Heh heh
Intern: No!
Boss: Then who?
Intern: The Police inspector Sir.
Boss picks himself up the floor and glares at him.
Boss: What did you do?
Intern: Err nothing serious!
Boss: Ha! Eve teasing yeah?
Intern: No Sir.
Boss: Ragging?
Intern: No Sir.
Boss (irritably): Then what is it?
Intern: *Gulp* drunken driving Sir! But I swear I wasn’t drinking….
His reply was lost in the wind as he sped down the hallway with a furious Boss in hot pursuit. I haven't seen the boss this livid ever! That was the last we saw of them today!
p.s. if you are wondering why the Boss acted the way he did, here is why. The Boss had told the Intern to take his car home yesterday night you see. He was going to be dropped home by his friend after a party. Intern lives close to the Boss’s house.
That reminds me I am in charge of booking a conference room for the dart game. Gotta go. Have a nice week folks!
Intern: Sir, I need a half day’s leave today.
Boss: Why?
Intern: Ahem, I need to meet someone.
Boss: You can meet him or her on weekend!
Intern: No Sir, I have to meet him today at 12 ‘o’ clock sharp.
Boss: You meeting a doctor?
Intern: No!
Boss: Prospective in laws? Heh heh
Intern: No!
Boss: Then who?
Intern: The Police inspector Sir.
Boss picks himself up the floor and glares at him.
Boss: What did you do?
Intern: Err nothing serious!
Boss: Ha! Eve teasing yeah?
Intern: No Sir.
Boss: Ragging?
Intern: No Sir.
Boss (irritably): Then what is it?
Intern: *Gulp* drunken driving Sir! But I swear I wasn’t drinking….
His reply was lost in the wind as he sped down the hallway with a furious Boss in hot pursuit. I haven't seen the boss this livid ever! That was the last we saw of them today!
p.s. if you are wondering why the Boss acted the way he did, here is why. The Boss had told the Intern to take his car home yesterday night you see. He was going to be dropped home by his friend after a party. Intern lives close to the Boss’s house.
That reminds me I am in charge of booking a conference room for the dart game. Gotta go. Have a nice week folks!
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Tiger love
Alarmed by the rapid decline in the Tiger population in our country, the Indian government decides to send a Minister to China, the largest consumer of Tiger meat. According to reports, not a single part of the Tiger is wasted in China. The Indian Minister (IM) and his Aide are given a warm welcome in China and the Chinese Premier (CP) meets him in his office the next day.
CP (bowing): Welcome to the most glorious, democratic, progressive, shining and the most rapidly developing country in the world.
IM: Thank you for the lengthy err warm welcome Premier. I am delighted to be in your beautiful country and honored by your graciousness to give me an audience.
CP (bowing again): Thank you! We will start our meeting with some Chinese delicacies. I hope you like it.
IM: Chinese cuisine is our national cuisine heh heh.
CP: Then you will like this special soup.
IM: What soup is this?
CP (beaming): Tigers tail soup!
IM: What!!!! Err I mean thank you. It is err delicious ewww.
CP (proudly): I knew you will like it. And now tell me honorable minster, what brings you to our happy country.
IM: Well… it’s like this. As you may know the Tiger is our national animal…
CP: But of course. We love the Indian Tiger.
IM (hopefully): You do?? That’s a relief to hear. I am here to discuss about the Tiger.
CP (holding his palm up). Wait, first you must taste this signature dish. It was made in memory of the late revolutionary Pin Wung Wao.
IM (nervously) : I am afraid to ask what it is.
CP: Tiger rib stir fry!!! C’mon try it!!
IM (mournfully): Well I might as well try it…Sigh.
CP: You were saying something about the Tiger.
IM (brightening up): Yes! We Indians love our national animal and now want to do something concrete for its welfare.
CP: That is nice. We in China welcome such a move.
IM: You do? That is very heartening news indeed!!
CP: We Chinese men get our ahem “drive” from Tiger testicle soup you know *wink* *wink*
IP: Heh heh I know. *sob*
CP: We would hate to lose that hahahahaha!
IM(desperately): I need some water.
CP: No no no!!! That will spoil your appetite!
IM: For what? Wait, why am I asking this question. :(
CP: For Tiger Manchurian in hot garlic sauce!!
IM: *sob* Is there anything else for Lunch?
CP: Of course. There is Tiger head schezwan, Tiger belly Cantonese, Tiger lung wung pao, Tiger neck stew and……
IM (looking green): I am not feeling too well….
CP: ...and Tiger paw fried, Hunan style.
IM (fainting): *swoon* *thud*
CP : Get some Chinese smelling salts quick!
Aide (sarcastically): Thank god you people spare the Tiger’s feces.
CP (proudly): We use it too! It is called Chinese Smelling Salts.
IM (sitting up bolt upright): I am suddenly feeling better. I think I need to lie down…in my bed at home in New Delhi.
CP: Wait!!
IM (wild eyed): Now what!!
CP (smiling gently): You cannot leave without a souvenir!!!
IM (miserably): I will not ask what it is.
CP: We have a Tiger nail locket and a Tiger Skin coat made especially for you.
IM: I shall not faint. I shall not faint. I shall not faint.
Aide: You better not! *snicker*
IM (faintly): Thank you Premier. This has been a most fruitful discussion. Bye!
According to a Press Release by the Foreign Ministry, the talks failed due to "miss-communication". The next round of talks will be held in Chinese.
Have a nice week folks! An enjoy da music - Fireflies
CP (bowing): Welcome to the most glorious, democratic, progressive, shining and the most rapidly developing country in the world.
IM: Thank you for the lengthy err warm welcome Premier. I am delighted to be in your beautiful country and honored by your graciousness to give me an audience.
CP (bowing again): Thank you! We will start our meeting with some Chinese delicacies. I hope you like it.
IM: Chinese cuisine is our national cuisine heh heh.
CP: Then you will like this special soup.
IM: What soup is this?
CP (beaming): Tigers tail soup!
IM: What!!!! Err I mean thank you. It is err delicious ewww.
CP (proudly): I knew you will like it. And now tell me honorable minster, what brings you to our happy country.
IM: Well… it’s like this. As you may know the Tiger is our national animal…
CP: But of course. We love the Indian Tiger.
IM (hopefully): You do?? That’s a relief to hear. I am here to discuss about the Tiger.
CP (holding his palm up). Wait, first you must taste this signature dish. It was made in memory of the late revolutionary Pin Wung Wao.
IM (nervously) : I am afraid to ask what it is.
CP: Tiger rib stir fry!!! C’mon try it!!
IM (mournfully): Well I might as well try it…Sigh.
CP: You were saying something about the Tiger.
IM (brightening up): Yes! We Indians love our national animal and now want to do something concrete for its welfare.
CP: That is nice. We in China welcome such a move.
IM: You do? That is very heartening news indeed!!
CP: We Chinese men get our ahem “drive” from Tiger testicle soup you know *wink* *wink*
IP: Heh heh I know. *sob*
CP: We would hate to lose that hahahahaha!
IM(desperately): I need some water.
CP: No no no!!! That will spoil your appetite!
IM: For what? Wait, why am I asking this question. :(
CP: For Tiger Manchurian in hot garlic sauce!!
IM: *sob* Is there anything else for Lunch?
CP: Of course. There is Tiger head schezwan, Tiger belly Cantonese, Tiger lung wung pao, Tiger neck stew and……
IM (looking green): I am not feeling too well….
CP: ...and Tiger paw fried, Hunan style.
IM (fainting): *swoon* *thud*
CP : Get some Chinese smelling salts quick!
Aide (sarcastically): Thank god you people spare the Tiger’s feces.
CP (proudly): We use it too! It is called Chinese Smelling Salts.
IM (sitting up bolt upright): I am suddenly feeling better. I think I need to lie down…in my bed at home in New Delhi.
CP: Wait!!
IM (wild eyed): Now what!!
CP (smiling gently): You cannot leave without a souvenir!!!
IM (miserably): I will not ask what it is.
CP: We have a Tiger nail locket and a Tiger Skin coat made especially for you.
IM: I shall not faint. I shall not faint. I shall not faint.
Aide: You better not! *snicker*
IM (faintly): Thank you Premier. This has been a most fruitful discussion. Bye!
According to a Press Release by the Foreign Ministry, the talks failed due to "miss-communication". The next round of talks will be held in Chinese.
Have a nice week folks! An enjoy da music - Fireflies
Friday, February 05, 2010
The no fail diet!
I sat at the cafeteria table and looked mournfully at my lunch. There was rice, fish curry, cabbage thoran and some other stuff in my lunch carrier. It looked most uninspiring. I looked up to scan the Cafeteria menu, hoping to find something more interesting to eat. Just then my colleague joined me on the table and gingerly placed a steaming bowl on the table. My mouth watered at the sight. His lunch looked scrumptious!!
Colleague looked at my lunch, barely able to take his eyes off the tiffin carrier and its contents. He swallowed hard and looked at me.
“You going to eat that?” he said pointing to my tiffin.
“No.” I replied. “What about you?” I asked looking greedily at his lunch.
“ I don’t feel like eating this.” he said making a face.
“Can I have your lunch?” I asked hopefully. “You can have mine if you want.” I said drooling.
“Sure!!!” he exclaimed grabbing my tiffin carrier like an eagle swooping up its prey.
The next half hour, there was pin drop silence at the table as we devoured each others lunch without a word. A satisfied “ahhh” escaped my lips as I polished the last remnants off my plate. Colleague drank the payasam with great relish and closed his eyes in sheer ecstasy.
Then he got up to wash the tiffin while I went and dumped the Styrofoam plate in which the cafeteria people had served his Maggie noodles, in the dustbin.
My belly sighed in deep contentment.
Colleague handed over the clean tiffin, thanked me and we went our separate floors.
Note to self: Next time ask colleague his name.
Don’t look at me like that folks!!! How else will I ping him and catch him for lunch? Hmmphh
Have a nice weekend friends. TGIF!
Colleague looked at my lunch, barely able to take his eyes off the tiffin carrier and its contents. He swallowed hard and looked at me.
“You going to eat that?” he said pointing to my tiffin.
“No.” I replied. “What about you?” I asked looking greedily at his lunch.
“ I don’t feel like eating this.” he said making a face.
“Can I have your lunch?” I asked hopefully. “You can have mine if you want.” I said drooling.
“Sure!!!” he exclaimed grabbing my tiffin carrier like an eagle swooping up its prey.
The next half hour, there was pin drop silence at the table as we devoured each others lunch without a word. A satisfied “ahhh” escaped my lips as I polished the last remnants off my plate. Colleague drank the payasam with great relish and closed his eyes in sheer ecstasy.
Then he got up to wash the tiffin while I went and dumped the Styrofoam plate in which the cafeteria people had served his Maggie noodles, in the dustbin.
My belly sighed in deep contentment.
Colleague handed over the clean tiffin, thanked me and we went our separate floors.
Note to self: Next time ask colleague his name.
Don’t look at me like that folks!!! How else will I ping him and catch him for lunch? Hmmphh
Have a nice weekend friends. TGIF!
Monday, February 01, 2010
Brotherhood lurve
My mom was watching a cookery programme with great interest yesterday.
“Anju come here, see this” she said with a look that means she has spotted something interesting.
I wandered over to the sofa where she was sitting and saw a Chef teaching a young guy to cook on the television.
“He is teaching that guy to cook so that he can prepare a meal for his brother on his birthday!’ she gushed.
“What’s the big deal ma!” I said getting up.
‘Sit down!” she said pulling me down to the sofa. “He is making salads. You like salad recipes no?”
I sat and watched as the Chef prepared some mouth watering salads and salad dressings and laid them out in pretty dining ware.
He then looked at the camera and said “And now we will let Paul invite John for lunch.” Shaking Paul’s hand and bidding him goodbye the Chef walks away. The camera pans to the door and ‘John' walks in. My eyes pop out. He is white. Paul is American Chinese.
“So sweeet!” cooed my mom smiling indulgently at the TV, head tilted to one side.
“Err ma” I said quickly. "I think something is burning in the kitchen!"
“Tch tch” said my mom, getting up and hurrying towards the kitchen. Splits seconds later, below the picture of John and Paul came the legend. John and Paul, Life Partners.
By the time mom came back from the kitchen, they had finished looking dreamily into each others eyes while battling the desire to make wild passionate love.
“What did I miss?” asked my mom.
“Oh nothing” I said dismissively, trying not to show the utter relief on my face. “He surprised his "brother" with the lunch.” I said avoiding her eyes.
“Awwwww” said my mom again, totally bowled over by the scene.
"Ewwww" went I, in my mind totally nauseated by the scene.
I left her gushing at the TV...when the program ended.
That was a close call! *phew*
There should be some control over what is shown on televisions these days. We cannot let our parents watch such shows unsupervised!! It will corrupt their tender old minds! What if I wasn’t around? I demand some answers from the government as a concerned child, NOW!
“Anju come here, see this” she said with a look that means she has spotted something interesting.
I wandered over to the sofa where she was sitting and saw a Chef teaching a young guy to cook on the television.
“He is teaching that guy to cook so that he can prepare a meal for his brother on his birthday!’ she gushed.
“What’s the big deal ma!” I said getting up.
‘Sit down!” she said pulling me down to the sofa. “He is making salads. You like salad recipes no?”
I sat and watched as the Chef prepared some mouth watering salads and salad dressings and laid them out in pretty dining ware.
He then looked at the camera and said “And now we will let Paul invite John for lunch.” Shaking Paul’s hand and bidding him goodbye the Chef walks away. The camera pans to the door and ‘John' walks in. My eyes pop out. He is white. Paul is American Chinese.
“So sweeet!” cooed my mom smiling indulgently at the TV, head tilted to one side.
“Err ma” I said quickly. "I think something is burning in the kitchen!"
“Tch tch” said my mom, getting up and hurrying towards the kitchen. Splits seconds later, below the picture of John and Paul came the legend. John and Paul, Life Partners.
By the time mom came back from the kitchen, they had finished looking dreamily into each others eyes while battling the desire to make wild passionate love.
“What did I miss?” asked my mom.
“Oh nothing” I said dismissively, trying not to show the utter relief on my face. “He surprised his "brother" with the lunch.” I said avoiding her eyes.
“Awwwww” said my mom again, totally bowled over by the scene.
"Ewwww" went I, in my mind totally nauseated by the scene.
I left her gushing at the TV...when the program ended.
That was a close call! *phew*
There should be some control over what is shown on televisions these days. We cannot let our parents watch such shows unsupervised!! It will corrupt their tender old minds! What if I wasn’t around? I demand some answers from the government as a concerned child, NOW!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The new generation gap
Beheld this scene in the house today. My second brother M was banging on my parents toilet door asking my Dad who was taking a bath to come out quick.
Dad: I am taking bath. Don't you have a toilet of your own?
M: Come out quick! I need to use the toilet URGENT!!
Dad: Use your own toilet.
M: I need to use yours! Come out fast!!
Dad: Okay! okay! But I don't understand...
M (interrupting him): Dad!!! Will you stop talking and come out!!
Dad: Okay! I'll finish my bath in your toilet if you don't mind.
M: Be my guest. Just don't use my after shave.
Dad: I don't plan on stinking like a diesel engine for the rest of the day. So you needn't worry hmmph!
My poor Dad stumbles out of the toilet wearing a towel, shampoo foam on head, soap on face and walks with squinted eyes to M's toilet stumbling and slipping on the way. All is quiet in the house till he gets back after his bath and beholds M's mobile peacefully charging on the toilet shelf. Apparently this is the only socket where his phone battery will charge.
To cut a long and rather violent story short, Bro, his phone and the electric socket have been thrown out of the house unceremoniously. Our vocabulary of Malayalam epithets stands vastly enhanced. M is looking genuinely baffled at the hullabaloo. He just cannot understand why Dad got so worked up over a perfectly normal thing as charging a phone. He is now convinced that his Dad has gone cuckoo. Ditto with the Dad.
Have a nice week folks!
Dad: I am taking bath. Don't you have a toilet of your own?
M: Come out quick! I need to use the toilet URGENT!!
Dad: Use your own toilet.
M: I need to use yours! Come out fast!!
Dad: Okay! okay! But I don't understand...
M (interrupting him): Dad!!! Will you stop talking and come out!!
Dad: Okay! I'll finish my bath in your toilet if you don't mind.
M: Be my guest. Just don't use my after shave.
Dad: I don't plan on stinking like a diesel engine for the rest of the day. So you needn't worry hmmph!
My poor Dad stumbles out of the toilet wearing a towel, shampoo foam on head, soap on face and walks with squinted eyes to M's toilet stumbling and slipping on the way. All is quiet in the house till he gets back after his bath and beholds M's mobile peacefully charging on the toilet shelf. Apparently this is the only socket where his phone battery will charge.
To cut a long and rather violent story short, Bro, his phone and the electric socket have been thrown out of the house unceremoniously. Our vocabulary of Malayalam epithets stands vastly enhanced. M is looking genuinely baffled at the hullabaloo. He just cannot understand why Dad got so worked up over a perfectly normal thing as charging a phone. He is now convinced that his Dad has gone cuckoo. Ditto with the Dad.
Have a nice week folks!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Stupidity Quotient
There is this lovely program airing on one of our local FM radio station called 'Music Quotient". It is a music contest that tests your knowledge of Bollywood music. The questions are reasonably tough and prizes really good. On certain days they have Bollywood stars taking part and the contest is made doubly tough for them considering the fact that they are from the industry. Last week we had Neil Nithin Mukesh.
RJ: *Plays a song from one of Neil’s recent movies Gaddar* Neil you have to identify this song! This is a tough one!
Neil: This is indeed tough!! So so tough. Lemme guess. This is a song from the movie Gaddar!!
RJ: OMG!!! You got it right!!! Amazing. Such a tough question too! Congratulations!! *canned applause*
Neil: Thank you. You are right! This was a tough one. *whew*
Listeners:!!!!
The week before that we had Bipasha Basu.
RJ: *Plays a song from one of Bips’s recent movie Bachna Eh Haseeno* Bipasha you have to identify this song! This is a tough question I know.
Bipasha: This is a tough question indeed!! Lemme guess this is a song from the movie Bachna Eh Haseeno?
RJ: OMG!!! You got it right!!! Amazing. Such a tough question too! Congratulations!! *canned applause*
Bipasha: Err thank you!
Listeners: :-O
Next week we have Mr What's-his-name!! Who cares who he is. We Bangaloreans, are already blown away by his brilliance.
RJ: *Plays a song from one of Neil’s recent movies Gaddar* Neil you have to identify this song! This is a tough one!
Neil: This is indeed tough!! So so tough. Lemme guess. This is a song from the movie Gaddar!!
RJ: OMG!!! You got it right!!! Amazing. Such a tough question too! Congratulations!! *canned applause*
Neil: Thank you. You are right! This was a tough one. *whew*
Listeners:!!!!
The week before that we had Bipasha Basu.
RJ: *Plays a song from one of Bips’s recent movie Bachna Eh Haseeno* Bipasha you have to identify this song! This is a tough question I know.
Bipasha: This is a tough question indeed!! Lemme guess this is a song from the movie Bachna Eh Haseeno?
RJ: OMG!!! You got it right!!! Amazing. Such a tough question too! Congratulations!! *canned applause*
Bipasha: Err thank you!
Listeners: :-O
Next week we have Mr What's-his-name!! Who cares who he is. We Bangaloreans, are already blown away by his brilliance.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Corporate twits err tweets
The bad news for me this week is that the Boss is on Twitter *gulp*
The good news is that he doesn’t know I am on Twitter tee hee. *phew*
The PJ’s in office is in full flow.
Did you hear? Our profits are up 50 % since last quarter.
Who told you?
A little bird :|
and
A little bird tells me that you are moving to the Gurgaon office.
If I catch that little bird I will make him bird fry! That little twit!!!
Hyuk hyuk
And so on and so forth. Each cornier than the rest. Everyone looks at everyone with suspicion now. You never know who the little bird is who is giving out official information that has been confirmed by HR mails which no one reads anyways.
Note to self: Time to educate the office about Twitter.
Now that the Boss is singing like a canary, oops I mean Tweeting about how good we are and how fantastic our products are, I wonder if he tweets about us, his (dis)loyal minions. And I wonder what his tweets about me will be like hmmm
The Insubordinate is in office on time today. Wonder what she is up to hmmm
From my cabin it looks like she is working. Ha! Like I will fall for that heh heh
Busy planning and strategizing…gotta keep her busy for the rest of the year!
One more Excel to go and then I am oops I mean, she is finished heh heh
Off to Lunch. Productive first half of the day :)
Back from lunch. Looking forward to the look on her face when I give her the work plan, *smirk* *smirk*
Everything went well. She took it surprisingly well. I am now worried. Getting nasty feelings here tweeples.
Arrgggghhhh!
She has delegated everything!! #%@*%
Back to the drawing board… sigh!
Heh heh….When it comes to work, I always have the last laugh. I love my job!
p.s. searching for creative names for my new incognito Twitter account! This will be a busy week!
The good news is that he doesn’t know I am on Twitter tee hee. *phew*
The PJ’s in office is in full flow.
Did you hear? Our profits are up 50 % since last quarter.
Who told you?
A little bird :|
and
A little bird tells me that you are moving to the Gurgaon office.
If I catch that little bird I will make him bird fry! That little twit!!!
Hyuk hyuk
And so on and so forth. Each cornier than the rest. Everyone looks at everyone with suspicion now. You never know who the little bird is who is giving out official information that has been confirmed by HR mails which no one reads anyways.
Note to self: Time to educate the office about Twitter.
Now that the Boss is singing like a canary, oops I mean Tweeting about how good we are and how fantastic our products are, I wonder if he tweets about us, his (dis)loyal minions. And I wonder what his tweets about me will be like hmmm
The Insubordinate is in office on time today. Wonder what she is up to hmmm
From my cabin it looks like she is working. Ha! Like I will fall for that heh heh
Busy planning and strategizing…gotta keep her busy for the rest of the year!
One more Excel to go and then I am oops I mean, she is finished heh heh
Off to Lunch. Productive first half of the day :)
Back from lunch. Looking forward to the look on her face when I give her the work plan, *smirk* *smirk*
Everything went well. She took it surprisingly well. I am now worried. Getting nasty feelings here tweeples.
Arrgggghhhh!
She has delegated everything!! #%@*%
Back to the drawing board… sigh!
Heh heh….When it comes to work, I always have the last laugh. I love my job!
p.s. searching for creative names for my new incognito Twitter account! This will be a busy week!
Monday, January 04, 2010
Maternal connectivity
My brother who was attending the Sunburn 2009 in Goa, decided that he will drive to Goa for the festival with his friends. Mom was very apprehensive as she thinks the roads are dangerous at “this time of the year” (viz 365 days of the year as far as she is concerned). But I never realized how apprehensive she was till my brother returned safe and sound, and showed us his mobile in some exasperation. Wondering what had got to him so much, I read through the SMS’es. It was mostly from Mom and made a ummm rather interesting read.
Day One
Where are you?
Where are you now?
You had lunch?
What about your medicines?
Don’t tell lies!
Have you reached?
Have you reached now?
Great, Take bath and go to sleep! No going to the beach. Newspaper reports high waves in Karwar.
Goodnight. God bless!
Are you awake or asleep?
Day Two
What time did you sleep yesterday?
Don’t tell lies!
What do you mean I woke you up so early? It is 12!!!
When is this festival?
How many of your friends have come?
Make sure you stay with the crowd. Goa unsafe!
Have you reached back to the room?
I called you, you did not pick up!!!
Good night and God bless!
Day Three
When are you leaving?
Dad says check your bike before leaving.
Because I am your mother that’s why!
Where are you now?
Did you have lunch?
If it is late stay in Hubli. Don’t drive in the dark!
Where are you now?
And now?
Don’t swear young man!!!!
I am not going to mention bros response to all this. But it was a study in great self control and usage of the most civil words possible under extreme circumstances to convey extreme irritability, annoyance and suicidal frustration!
Note to self: Thank God, that bro does not remember who gave his mom the phone with a stylus for easy text messaging. Phew!
Day One
Where are you?
Where are you now?
You had lunch?
What about your medicines?
Don’t tell lies!
Have you reached?
Have you reached now?
Great, Take bath and go to sleep! No going to the beach. Newspaper reports high waves in Karwar.
Goodnight. God bless!
Are you awake or asleep?
Day Two
What time did you sleep yesterday?
Don’t tell lies!
What do you mean I woke you up so early? It is 12!!!
When is this festival?
How many of your friends have come?
Make sure you stay with the crowd. Goa unsafe!
Have you reached back to the room?
I called you, you did not pick up!!!
Good night and God bless!
Day Three
When are you leaving?
Dad says check your bike before leaving.
Because I am your mother that’s why!
Where are you now?
Did you have lunch?
If it is late stay in Hubli. Don’t drive in the dark!
Where are you now?
And now?
Don’t swear young man!!!!
I am not going to mention bros response to all this. But it was a study in great self control and usage of the most civil words possible under extreme circumstances to convey extreme irritability, annoyance and suicidal frustration!
Note to self: Thank God, that bro does not remember who gave his mom the phone with a stylus for easy text messaging. Phew!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Road Vultures
Have you seen the Red Cross sticker that doctors usually sport on their vehicles, so that they can be flagged down in case of an emergency on the road? My new mallu neighbor, who has just completed his studies and got a job, also has a similar sticker on his car. It is a smart sticker proclaiming his professions as - you won’t believe this - “LAWYER”!
Neat isn’t it?
Now if you have a legal emergency on the roads, all you need to look out for is a car with a “Lawyer” sticker and flag it down for Legal First Aid.
Person: Sir, There has been a terrible incident.
Lawyer (taking out his notebook): Tell me what happened my man!
Person: I was parking my car into this slot when this man beat me to it.
Lawyer: That is not fair!
Person: And then he stuck his tongue out at me and said naah naah naah!
Lawyer (writing furiously): This is despicable and unacceptable!!
Person: Then he laughed at me and called me “Slow Joe” *sob*
Lawyer (tearing the page): Atrocious!! Here take this note and rush yourself to my office. We will teach that bugger a lesson in no time at all.
Person: Oh My God!! This note says Lawyer charges is Rs 10,000/- :-O
Lawyer: That’s after discount my friend. I am in a good mood today.
Person: *swoon* *thud*
Lawyer: Ambulance!!
This is my last post for this year. Thanks for your patience and for dropping by to read my demented rants. Wishing you all a very Happy New Year 2010!! Have a blast this weekend and pray that I do not become yet another statistic in Goa! :)
Neat isn’t it?
Now if you have a legal emergency on the roads, all you need to look out for is a car with a “Lawyer” sticker and flag it down for Legal First Aid.
Person: Sir, There has been a terrible incident.
Lawyer (taking out his notebook): Tell me what happened my man!
Person: I was parking my car into this slot when this man beat me to it.
Lawyer: That is not fair!
Person: And then he stuck his tongue out at me and said naah naah naah!
Lawyer (writing furiously): This is despicable and unacceptable!!
Person: Then he laughed at me and called me “Slow Joe” *sob*
Lawyer (tearing the page): Atrocious!! Here take this note and rush yourself to my office. We will teach that bugger a lesson in no time at all.
Person: Oh My God!! This note says Lawyer charges is Rs 10,000/- :-O
Lawyer: That’s after discount my friend. I am in a good mood today.
Person: *swoon* *thud*
Lawyer: Ambulance!!
This is my last post for this year. Thanks for your patience and for dropping by to read my demented rants. Wishing you all a very Happy New Year 2010!! Have a blast this weekend and pray that I do not become yet another statistic in Goa! :)
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas in Achayanland!
Its Christmas time dearies. The hills and rubber estates are alive with the sound of chopping, cutting, whisking, tasting, cursing and vice versa, plus the aromas of much cooking happening. Achayanland is a very happening place now! You have to just walk by homes to predict exactly what they are going to have for Christmas lunch.
Susan: Gasp, the Pallikunnels are having Pepper Liver Fry for Christmas lunch!
Mother in law: #$#%@% didn’t I tell you to buy liver you %$#@ woman!!!
Susan: *Sob* I am going to the market right now ammachi!
Markets are groaning under the invasion of ladies who have just discovered what their neighbors are making for Christmas.
Mary: Hello Jincy, What brings you to the market today?
Jincy: Chumma, I just came for a breath of fresh air.
Mary (covering her nose to avoid the horrible stench of the fish market): Me too!
Jincy: I see that you have bought Quails!
Mary: Damn!!! Err… yes and those Prawns in your bag look very fresh!
Jincy: Damn! I should have covered them, I mean yes, and they are very fresh, but you never know. It may be rotten also!
Mary: Sure, sure and that is why you bought them I suppose. To help the poor fish fellow get rid of the rotten Prawns.
Jincy (sarcastically): Yes, it is Christmas no! Time to help our fellow human beings!
Mary: Hmmph! I gotta go now. Got loads of work at home!
Jincy: Same here. Bye
Mary: Ahem… the way to your home is this way no? Then why are you going towards the Quail shop?
Jincy: I feel like a nice long walk that’s why!
Mary: And I so believe it!
Jincy: What did you say!
Mary (hastily): I said bye.
Mary and Jincy will then be seen frantically shopping for Prawns and Quails after this exchange.
Achayan families are of the belief that Christmas is a time of cooking and cooking and cooking till there is nothing left to cook.
Aunt: And what is left to cook now?
Another Aunt: I think we have covered every animal and edible living things.
Aunt: There must be something we have left out!
Another Aunt: You are right. I am getting that feeling to. Tomorrow at lunch time I will remember and that would be so embarrassing no?
Aunt: I hope such fate never befalls even our enemies!
Another Aunt: *shudder* Amen!
And that’s when we the kids run way from home. Kidding folks. We are too scared to run away. You don’t mess with dem achayathis. They are formidable ladies. Last time a guest ran out of the house in panic he had the hostess in hot pursuit balancing a plate of achappam and cake on one hand and some chicken stew and some idiappams on another.
What really happens at the lunch table after the above mentioned exchange is this:
Uncle: This beef fry is quite nice!
Aunt (evenly): That’s Brinjal dry fry!
Uncle: This fish curry is pretty good!
Aunt: That is not Fish. It is mutton…sniff!
Then there is total silence at the table.
The true spirit of Christmas is buried beneath mounds of food in Achayanland and we are yet to discover it. Perhaps, we will one day, when we have stopped eating our way to heaven/hell. And it is the reason I feel that the Church invented Advent (a sort of pre Christmas upwaas).
First Pope: We need to invent an event that will put dem Achayan out of the business of feeding.
Saint Austerity: How about a period of fasting and abstinence before Christmas your eminence?
Pope: What a wonderful idea!! Let them fast for six months before Christmas!!!
Saint Austerity: Err your holiness; we are talking of achayans here. You know the incorrigible race even God regrets creating!
Pope: Sigh, okay make it two months then.
Saint Austerity: Won’t work dude!
Pope (irritably): Okay okay, make it a couple of weeks then.
Saint Austerity (bowing deeply): Will do your eminence!
Pope: And most importantly…
Saint Austerity: Yes?
Pope: You call me ‘dude’ one more time and I will whip your holy a**e to hell!!!
Saint Austerity: Gulp, yes your eminence!
If Christmas lunch is not enough, we have post Christmas family visits to further endanger the bursting walls of our intestines. But by now, we have become experts in managing this. The moment we see the lady of the house walking in with a groaning tray, we whip out our Microtome knives, slice a piece of cake the thicknesses of 10 to 100 µm and exclaim “Delicious Aunty! This is so tasty that I will let the taste linger by not taking another bite of anything else you offer me.”
And then we haul our sorry selves back to Bangalore vowing never to eat another morsel of food till next Christmas. And that is the true Advent folks. The Church got it all wrong, or didn’t they? :-S You never know with them devious Priests!
p.s. if you need to verify if someone is a true blue achayan, ask him for the definition of Christmas. A true blue achayan will never get it right!
MERRY CHRISTMAS DEAR FRIENDS! May we discover the true spirit of Christmas. By we, I mean my people! :p
Susan: Gasp, the Pallikunnels are having Pepper Liver Fry for Christmas lunch!
Mother in law: #$#%@% didn’t I tell you to buy liver you %$#@ woman!!!
Susan: *Sob* I am going to the market right now ammachi!
Markets are groaning under the invasion of ladies who have just discovered what their neighbors are making for Christmas.
Mary: Hello Jincy, What brings you to the market today?
Jincy: Chumma, I just came for a breath of fresh air.
Mary (covering her nose to avoid the horrible stench of the fish market): Me too!
Jincy: I see that you have bought Quails!
Mary: Damn!!! Err… yes and those Prawns in your bag look very fresh!
Jincy: Damn! I should have covered them, I mean yes, and they are very fresh, but you never know. It may be rotten also!
Mary: Sure, sure and that is why you bought them I suppose. To help the poor fish fellow get rid of the rotten Prawns.
Jincy (sarcastically): Yes, it is Christmas no! Time to help our fellow human beings!
Mary: Hmmph! I gotta go now. Got loads of work at home!
Jincy: Same here. Bye
Mary: Ahem… the way to your home is this way no? Then why are you going towards the Quail shop?
Jincy: I feel like a nice long walk that’s why!
Mary: And I so believe it!
Jincy: What did you say!
Mary (hastily): I said bye.
Mary and Jincy will then be seen frantically shopping for Prawns and Quails after this exchange.
Achayan families are of the belief that Christmas is a time of cooking and cooking and cooking till there is nothing left to cook.
Aunt: And what is left to cook now?
Another Aunt: I think we have covered every animal and edible living things.
Aunt: There must be something we have left out!
Another Aunt: You are right. I am getting that feeling to. Tomorrow at lunch time I will remember and that would be so embarrassing no?
Aunt: I hope such fate never befalls even our enemies!
Another Aunt: *shudder* Amen!
And that’s when we the kids run way from home. Kidding folks. We are too scared to run away. You don’t mess with dem achayathis. They are formidable ladies. Last time a guest ran out of the house in panic he had the hostess in hot pursuit balancing a plate of achappam and cake on one hand and some chicken stew and some idiappams on another.
What really happens at the lunch table after the above mentioned exchange is this:
Uncle: This beef fry is quite nice!
Aunt (evenly): That’s Brinjal dry fry!
Uncle: This fish curry is pretty good!
Aunt: That is not Fish. It is mutton…sniff!
Then there is total silence at the table.
The true spirit of Christmas is buried beneath mounds of food in Achayanland and we are yet to discover it. Perhaps, we will one day, when we have stopped eating our way to heaven/hell. And it is the reason I feel that the Church invented Advent (a sort of pre Christmas upwaas).
First Pope: We need to invent an event that will put dem Achayan out of the business of feeding.
Saint Austerity: How about a period of fasting and abstinence before Christmas your eminence?
Pope: What a wonderful idea!! Let them fast for six months before Christmas!!!
Saint Austerity: Err your holiness; we are talking of achayans here. You know the incorrigible race even God regrets creating!
Pope: Sigh, okay make it two months then.
Saint Austerity: Won’t work dude!
Pope (irritably): Okay okay, make it a couple of weeks then.
Saint Austerity (bowing deeply): Will do your eminence!
Pope: And most importantly…
Saint Austerity: Yes?
Pope: You call me ‘dude’ one more time and I will whip your holy a**e to hell!!!
Saint Austerity: Gulp, yes your eminence!
If Christmas lunch is not enough, we have post Christmas family visits to further endanger the bursting walls of our intestines. But by now, we have become experts in managing this. The moment we see the lady of the house walking in with a groaning tray, we whip out our Microtome knives, slice a piece of cake the thicknesses of 10 to 100 µm and exclaim “Delicious Aunty! This is so tasty that I will let the taste linger by not taking another bite of anything else you offer me.”
And then we haul our sorry selves back to Bangalore vowing never to eat another morsel of food till next Christmas. And that is the true Advent folks. The Church got it all wrong, or didn’t they? :-S You never know with them devious Priests!
p.s. if you need to verify if someone is a true blue achayan, ask him for the definition of Christmas. A true blue achayan will never get it right!
MERRY CHRISTMAS DEAR FRIENDS! May we discover the true spirit of Christmas. By we, I mean my people! :p
Monday, December 21, 2009
Gullible's travails
“Hey!! There is a Facebook community called Incorrigibly Good Looking Mallus” said my friend excitedly!
“Yawn, so what else is new”, I remarked listlessly, the tiredness of the busiest year of my life, pinning me down to the couch.
“Dekh na” insisted this Gujju Mallu gal. “Let us do some vayinokking (ogling) yaar.”
“Not interested” I said, turning to the other side and promptly falling asleep. The other two girls in the room did not take their eyes off the TV.
There was peace for an hour or so, and then I was brutally woken up by friend shaking me violently. Her eyes were wide and she looked like she had seen a ghost.
“You won’t believe what I found.” she said cupping her hand to her mouth.
“What!!!” I asked, sitting up straight, sensing something to be terribly wrong. The other two girls left the TV in alarm and were also looking at friend with questioning eyes.
Friend was looking at the members list on the community.
“What happened for god’s sake!” I shouted. Perhaps someone had cut and pasted her photo or maybe somebody else’s we knew. Panic gripped me. We have had experiences of the same in the past.
Friend tore her eyes from the laptop monitor, looked at us with extreme distress and moaned…
“Everyone here is so ugly!”
We chased her around the house with a rolling pin. Grown up girls who fall for such bullshit need an ar** whooping.
And by jove she got one!!
We are hoping that we have ushered in a much wiser individual into the New Year.
“Yawn, so what else is new”, I remarked listlessly, the tiredness of the busiest year of my life, pinning me down to the couch.
“Dekh na” insisted this Gujju Mallu gal. “Let us do some vayinokking (ogling) yaar.”
“Not interested” I said, turning to the other side and promptly falling asleep. The other two girls in the room did not take their eyes off the TV.
There was peace for an hour or so, and then I was brutally woken up by friend shaking me violently. Her eyes were wide and she looked like she had seen a ghost.
“You won’t believe what I found.” she said cupping her hand to her mouth.
“What!!!” I asked, sitting up straight, sensing something to be terribly wrong. The other two girls left the TV in alarm and were also looking at friend with questioning eyes.
Friend was looking at the members list on the community.
“What happened for god’s sake!” I shouted. Perhaps someone had cut and pasted her photo or maybe somebody else’s we knew. Panic gripped me. We have had experiences of the same in the past.
Friend tore her eyes from the laptop monitor, looked at us with extreme distress and moaned…
“Everyone here is so ugly!”
We chased her around the house with a rolling pin. Grown up girls who fall for such bullshit need an ar** whooping.
And by jove she got one!!
We are hoping that we have ushered in a much wiser individual into the New Year.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Wardrobe woes
It is that time of the year folks, when I look at the calendar and say “Holy crap I have no clothes to wear!!!” Then I empty the old clothes from the cupboard, pack them into neat bundles, number them from one to 47 and consult my phone directory. First call is to teen cousins of small build like me.
Cousin: Holy cow!! Is it time to clear your cupboard again??
Me: I am fine, thank you dear! And how are you?
Cousin: I do not want your tops.
Me: And how is your mother?
Cousin: I don’t care if they are as good as new.
Me: And your Dad?
Cousin: And I do not want your jeans either.
Me: And your cute little brother?
Cousin: And your shoes, hand bags, belts and other accessories.
Me: And your cat?
Cousin: And for the 255th time, I do not want your clothes. I am a teenager for god’s sake. I will be ostracized by my community if I wear clothes that you “oldies” in twenties wear!
Me: Damn these kids!
Next bakra is friends and acquaintances.
Friend: I get a call from you! Let me guess, you are trying to offload your clothes onto me.
Me: *sob* I was just checking up on you.
Friend: I am fine, if that is what you are worried about.
Me: That’s a relief! Last time I talked to you, you had a nasty sinusitis.
Friend: Naah! I never had sinusitis!
Me: Then it was a cough I think.
Friend: Naah!
Me: Cold?
Friend: Naah!
Me: Knee pain?
Friend: Naah!
Me: Ulcer?
Friend: Nopes!
Me: Fever?
Friend: Yes…but…
Me: Then you will luvvvv the warm tees that I have.
Friend: Sigh…I should have seen that coming!
Next lucky recipient is the nice little nun who runs an orphanage for girls.
Sister: Hi Anjali. No I do not want clothes. Bye! *Slam.*
Me (calling her again): Ahem…Sister, I called to wish you Merry Christmas!
Sister: Thank you! *Slam*
Me (calling her again): Your calls are getting cut sister. You must change to a better provider.
Sister: Look here dear. Here is the deal!
Me (hopefully): Yes?
Sister: I have four truckloads of clothes, another three of shoes and another six trucks of bed sheets, and other stuff parked in my yard. Help me get rid of them and I will take you clothes!
Me: *SLAM!!!*
After that I do what I should have done in the first place….i.e…call my maid. I watch with an ache in my heart as she carts away my clothes to distribute in her neighborhood and swear for the 45679th time, that I will not to buy too many expensive clothes. Then I feel so happy to see my empty cupboard that I go down on my knees, give thanks to almighty God and go shopping.
Cousin: Holy cow!! Is it time to clear your cupboard again??
Me: I am fine, thank you dear! And how are you?
Cousin: I do not want your tops.
Me: And how is your mother?
Cousin: I don’t care if they are as good as new.
Me: And your Dad?
Cousin: And I do not want your jeans either.
Me: And your cute little brother?
Cousin: And your shoes, hand bags, belts and other accessories.
Me: And your cat?
Cousin: And for the 255th time, I do not want your clothes. I am a teenager for god’s sake. I will be ostracized by my community if I wear clothes that you “oldies” in twenties wear!
Me: Damn these kids!
Next bakra is friends and acquaintances.
Friend: I get a call from you! Let me guess, you are trying to offload your clothes onto me.
Me: *sob* I was just checking up on you.
Friend: I am fine, if that is what you are worried about.
Me: That’s a relief! Last time I talked to you, you had a nasty sinusitis.
Friend: Naah! I never had sinusitis!
Me: Then it was a cough I think.
Friend: Naah!
Me: Cold?
Friend: Naah!
Me: Knee pain?
Friend: Naah!
Me: Ulcer?
Friend: Nopes!
Me: Fever?
Friend: Yes…but…
Me: Then you will luvvvv the warm tees that I have.
Friend: Sigh…I should have seen that coming!
Next lucky recipient is the nice little nun who runs an orphanage for girls.
Sister: Hi Anjali. No I do not want clothes. Bye! *Slam.*
Me (calling her again): Ahem…Sister, I called to wish you Merry Christmas!
Sister: Thank you! *Slam*
Me (calling her again): Your calls are getting cut sister. You must change to a better provider.
Sister: Look here dear. Here is the deal!
Me (hopefully): Yes?
Sister: I have four truckloads of clothes, another three of shoes and another six trucks of bed sheets, and other stuff parked in my yard. Help me get rid of them and I will take you clothes!
Me: *SLAM!!!*
After that I do what I should have done in the first place….i.e…call my maid. I watch with an ache in my heart as she carts away my clothes to distribute in her neighborhood and swear for the 45679th time, that I will not to buy too many expensive clothes. Then I feel so happy to see my empty cupboard that I go down on my knees, give thanks to almighty God and go shopping.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Soap opera
Gone are the days, when you rushed to malls and supermarkets during festival season to grab those super bargains. Take one get two free, purchase goods worth a thousand rupees and get a kilo sugar free etc. were the deals that attracted shoppers by the drove. Nowadays the supermarkets are always having some kind of offers or the other. The soap manufacturers seem to be the most prolific lot when it comes to giving freebies to their customers. Here are some of the year long offers that adorn Bangalore's supermarket shelves.
25% soap free. No extra charges – This does not mean that the manufacturer is in a generous mood. This usually means that he has to get rid of the excess soap mixture in his plant and trying to pass it off as washing liquid in Angola was unsuccessful.
Buy one get one free – This means, the manufacturer is over his head with unsold soap. There is soap every where. If he doesn't get rid of it, he will have to close down his factory and make it a temporary warehouse for the soap!
Buy a talcum powder and get a soap free - Manufacturer is undaunted by your disinterest. He is going to offload the soap onto you one way or the other, whether you like it or not.
Buy soap and get a talcum powder free - Talcum powder manufacturer is onto his game and wants his share of the moolah to get rid of his soap.
Buy a pack of six and pay for five - This usually means that above plans were a dismal failure and he got caught trying to dump soap into the sea and is now paying hafta to the SI of the cute little police station near the sea.
Buy a pack of soap and win a vacation – No takers for the soap yet and manufacturer is at his wits end. He tried to give it free to impoverished nations in Africa, who threw it right back at him. He is now dumping soap in landfills to escape warehouse charges.
Buy a pack of six soaps and get a chance to win a date with a celebrity – Manufacturer has done some quick calculations and realized that spending 50 K on a dinner is better then paying fines for polluting the environment in Uganda, Ghana and Botswana.
And then there are offers on fruit juices and sodas too. Now don’t get me started on those!
25% soap free. No extra charges – This does not mean that the manufacturer is in a generous mood. This usually means that he has to get rid of the excess soap mixture in his plant and trying to pass it off as washing liquid in Angola was unsuccessful.
Buy one get one free – This means, the manufacturer is over his head with unsold soap. There is soap every where. If he doesn't get rid of it, he will have to close down his factory and make it a temporary warehouse for the soap!
Buy a talcum powder and get a soap free - Manufacturer is undaunted by your disinterest. He is going to offload the soap onto you one way or the other, whether you like it or not.
Buy soap and get a talcum powder free - Talcum powder manufacturer is onto his game and wants his share of the moolah to get rid of his soap.
Buy a pack of six and pay for five - This usually means that above plans were a dismal failure and he got caught trying to dump soap into the sea and is now paying hafta to the SI of the cute little police station near the sea.
Buy a pack of soap and win a vacation – No takers for the soap yet and manufacturer is at his wits end. He tried to give it free to impoverished nations in Africa, who threw it right back at him. He is now dumping soap in landfills to escape warehouse charges.
Buy a pack of six soaps and get a chance to win a date with a celebrity – Manufacturer has done some quick calculations and realized that spending 50 K on a dinner is better then paying fines for polluting the environment in Uganda, Ghana and Botswana.
And then there are offers on fruit juices and sodas too. Now don’t get me started on those!
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Unhealthy musings...
Why are things that are bad for you so delicious...and so addictive? Ever heard of someone getting addicted to veggies, skimmed milk, lean meat, fatless cakes, wheat grass juice and exercise?
At a de-addiction clinic:
Inmate: What are you in here for?
Othe inmate: I am addicted to Whole Wheat bread. And you?
Inmate: That’s must be tough!! I am here for a spinach addiction!
Othe inmate: Ouch! My neighbor has just got back from a detoxification treatment at this swanky clinic.
Inmate: What was his problem?
Other inmate: OD’ed on steamed veggies!
Inmate: Tch tch poor guy! Hope he is alright.
Other inmate: He is, but doctors say he will have to keep off steamed veggies if he wants to live.
Life is definitely unfair.
Advance wishes for a great weekend folks. Knock yourself out senseless with some boiled water. Don’t overdo it please. I will miss you.
At a de-addiction clinic:
Inmate: What are you in here for?
Othe inmate: I am addicted to Whole Wheat bread. And you?
Inmate: That’s must be tough!! I am here for a spinach addiction!
Othe inmate: Ouch! My neighbor has just got back from a detoxification treatment at this swanky clinic.
Inmate: What was his problem?
Other inmate: OD’ed on steamed veggies!
Inmate: Tch tch poor guy! Hope he is alright.
Other inmate: He is, but doctors say he will have to keep off steamed veggies if he wants to live.
Life is definitely unfair.
Advance wishes for a great weekend folks. Knock yourself out senseless with some boiled water. Don’t overdo it please. I will miss you.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Formatted aggression
I have this old acquaintance who used to work in the ad agency that takes care of our advertising work. He works for a publishing house now. He is a really innocent and simple Gult guy. Though he is married with a baby, he is like a schoolboy, very gullible and trusting. The other day he pings me with exciting news.
KK: Guess what?
Me: You did not win the lottery?
KK: No yaar! I formatted a Chinese document!!
Me: Yay!
KK: I know. Exciting isn’t it?
Me: Very! Bye.
KK: It was entirely in Chinese!!
Me: Wow! Super exciting dude!
KK: This is the first time we are doing it!
But I managed. I did not know what the headline was and what the sub title.
But I just guessed and put it.
Me: Fantastic! Now let me get back to work.
KK: Yes! The client was very happy.
Me: And who was the Client?
KK: ********
Me: Hmmm for all you know that might be the Chinese Plan to disintegrate India.
KK: Huh!!
Me: You know, it was all over the news some time back!
KK: Really?
Me: You just cleaned it up for them.
KK: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, now they can do it properly.
KK: Don’t joke yaar!
Me: I am just saying!
KK: *silence*
Me: I gotta go now.
KK: Wait!!
Do you think it could be some confidential document?
Me: Could be.
Who knows Chinese in India btw.
KK: You are joking right?
Me: hmm
KK: Right?
Me: Maybe it is not.
But if it is, then I got to hand it over to the Chinese.
KK: What do you mean?
Me: They are particular of their plan document formatting. I mean Heading 1, Paragraph, Bullets, Indentation, Line Spacing, and Page Breaks and then… ATTACK!!!
That’s why they are a Superpower!!
KK: Hey Anjali. Don’t scare me yaar.
Me: Forget it. I was just thinking aloud.
KK: But it can happen, cant it?
Me: Yes!!
KK: :-S
Me: Bye!
After the conversation K spent considerable time with Google translator with no luck I am told. But he is now well versed with the Chinese words for “India, Attack, War, Break-up, Chinese people want to dominate india, China army size, China Army Size vs India Army Size.” etc. You guessed right. Instead of pasting Chinese words from the document into the translator tool, he used the translator to create the above mentioned English words in Chinese and then looked for them in the document.
Now all I need to do is convince him to join the Chinese Army. Something tells me it won’t be that difficult a task. But if I do then I demand that I get the National Disaster Management Award 2009!!
This is my 300th post! Yay! Happy week folks!
KK: Guess what?
Me: You did not win the lottery?
KK: No yaar! I formatted a Chinese document!!
Me: Yay!
KK: I know. Exciting isn’t it?
Me: Very! Bye.
KK: It was entirely in Chinese!!
Me: Wow! Super exciting dude!
KK: This is the first time we are doing it!
But I managed. I did not know what the headline was and what the sub title.
But I just guessed and put it.
Me: Fantastic! Now let me get back to work.
KK: Yes! The client was very happy.
Me: And who was the Client?
KK: ********
Me: Hmmm for all you know that might be the Chinese Plan to disintegrate India.
KK: Huh!!
Me: You know, it was all over the news some time back!
KK: Really?
Me: You just cleaned it up for them.
KK: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, now they can do it properly.
KK: Don’t joke yaar!
Me: I am just saying!
KK: *silence*
Me: I gotta go now.
KK: Wait!!
Do you think it could be some confidential document?
Me: Could be.
Who knows Chinese in India btw.
KK: You are joking right?
Me: hmm
KK: Right?
Me: Maybe it is not.
But if it is, then I got to hand it over to the Chinese.
KK: What do you mean?
Me: They are particular of their plan document formatting. I mean Heading 1, Paragraph, Bullets, Indentation, Line Spacing, and Page Breaks and then… ATTACK!!!
That’s why they are a Superpower!!
KK: Hey Anjali. Don’t scare me yaar.
Me: Forget it. I was just thinking aloud.
KK: But it can happen, cant it?
Me: Yes!!
KK: :-S
Me: Bye!
After the conversation K spent considerable time with Google translator with no luck I am told. But he is now well versed with the Chinese words for “India, Attack, War, Break-up, Chinese people want to dominate india, China army size, China Army Size vs India Army Size.” etc. You guessed right. Instead of pasting Chinese words from the document into the translator tool, he used the translator to create the above mentioned English words in Chinese and then looked for them in the document.
Now all I need to do is convince him to join the Chinese Army. Something tells me it won’t be that difficult a task. But if I do then I demand that I get the National Disaster Management Award 2009!!
This is my 300th post! Yay! Happy week folks!
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