Battling with work, work and more work folks. So posts are going to be delayed. If you don’t like it you can offer to keep my Boss tied up for a couple of weeks. He is a nice guy actually. A little absent minded but his minions like him a lot. But he has his quirks. He thinks that everyone should be like him. I mean he likes to work. We don’t. And he thinks people should be like him. It is not professional to be thrusting your colleagues with your likes and dislikes don’t you think so? We don’t tell him to take it easy or not work hard do we? That’s professionalism for you. My Boss has the most professional team in the whole wide world. If there was an award for professionalism, we would win hands down.
I think the man needs therapy. I wish there was a rehab where we could send Bosses to get help.
Therapist: And Mr. Boss why are you so obsessed with work!
Boss: Because I am the Boss duh!
Therapist: Let’s try this again. Why do you think everyone should be like you?
Boss: Because I am the Boss and I say so duh!
Therapist: Of course you do! But don’t you think that your subordinates have their likes and dislikes too?
Boss: So what!
Therapist: You are not helping dear.
Boss: You are fired!!
Of course the therapy center will have burly guards who will not let him leave without completing the therapy.
Therapist: And how are you feeling today Mr. Boss!
Boss: I feel like wringing your neck.
Therapist (soothingly): Of course you do. But natural to feel that way. You have been in therapy only two days. By next week you will learn to curb your hostility!
Boss: AARRGGHH!
Perhaps they will drug him a bit as part of his therapy...
Therapist: Open your mouth and eat up this pill.
Boss: What is it?
Therapist: Chill pill!
Boss: Why don’t you take it!
Therapist (evenly): I just took one…before I came in here.
Boss: In that case lady, I will take two.
Therapist: You are deliberately being ambiguous aren’t you?
Boss: I haven’t even started yet! Heh heh!
Maybe they will teach him to take things easy...
Therapist: Today we will learn to take it easy and enjoy life.
Boss: And pigs will fly! *snigger*
Therapist: According to the report submitted by your team, they are pretty sure of the same too.
Boss: That pigs will fly?
Therapist: That pigs will fly but you will never learn to take it easy.
Boss: Bummer!
Maybe he will drive try reverse Psychology on the Therapist...
Boss: Do you know that you will have considerable success with me if you are a little bit more professional?
Therapist: How so?
Boss: To begin with, how about we start therapy at 5:30 am!
Therapist: hmmm
Boss: We can have a working Breakfast at 8:30 am and then a working Lunch around 12:30 and then continue our session by 12:45 till 8:30 pm. That way we pack in a good twelve hours of session in a day!
Therapist: Nice try!
Boss (gleefully): But I almost had you there…didn’t I?
Therapist: I have to admit you did!
Boss: I AM GOOD!!!
Perhaps he will get cured...
Therapist: Today we will learn that there is more to life than work.
Boss: You are right! I have been thinking these last few days that I have been making a big deal of this thing called work.
Therapist (pleased): Now that’s a positive sign if I say so myself.
Boss: Work should be secondary in life.
Therapist: Absolutely!
Boss: Never realized how much I have missed out on life due to my obsession with work.
Therapist (beaming): I am so glad! Why Mr Boss, I think you are ready to be discharged!
Boss: muahahAHAHAHA! Err I mean thank you. I feel like a new man. As soon as I am out of here I will wring that Silverine's neck…I mean I am re-prioritizing my life. Thank you so much for all you have done.
Goodbye cruel world! Have a nice week!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Monday, April 06, 2009
The best laid plans of adolescent women
This post by Thomas brought back a lot of good memories from not so long ago. Diffused in the warm glow of those memories is an ugly incident that left a gang of girls very red faced and contrite for a very very long time. The incident was also our first lesson in ‘man behavior’!
In our pre university year we had only a few students from each stream taking Sanskrit as a language. Most of us had opted for Hindi or Kannada. This did not necessitate a full time Sanskrit teacher and the college authorities decided to bring in a teacher on contract as a temporary arrangement. Since there were no Sanskrit professors or vidwaans in the college, Sister Principal took it on her to interview and appoint someone she thought was fit for the job. The teacher turned out to be a young Brahmin boy named B, no more then 21 years old I think, who had recently passed out as a Sanskrit graduate. He was rather fair and boyish looking and wore traditional clothes that poojary’s usually wear i.e dhoti and a kurta. He had his head shaved except for a bit of hair at the back of the head that was tied up into a pony tail. The Nuns held him in high regard as he looked like a religious person like them. He would look puzzled when the Nuns greeted him with reverence and respect. He was clearly not used to such treatment.
He was also not used to girls and blushed if someone looked his way for more than a nano second. Apparently he taught the class with his eyes averted. It was evident by his timid demeanor that he was intimidated by the female of the species. And that emboldened us too to do what we did…something we had never attempted before on a faculty member.
After observing him for sometime and reassuring ourselves that he was a docile guy we decided to pull his leg. Now we were clever girls…or so we thought. So we got a friend studying in Bishop Cottons to write a love note for B in Kannada. The note purportedly written by one of his students “Manjula”, declared undying love for him and asked him to meet her at the Majestic Bus Stand at a particular platform. We had ensured that this platform did not serve the busy city routes but far flung areas like Yelahanka.
It was an exam day and classes got over by 11 am. By 11:15 am all six of us gathered at the platform. Two of us i.e me and the “Manjula” were to wait for B while the other four stood at the diagonally opposite platform pretending to be waiting for a bus. At the dot of the time specified, B walked into the platform. He looked around nervously and then glanced at us timidly. We ignored him. He placed himself next to a large round pillar looking very unsure and ill at ease. Suddenly “Manjula” turned and gave him an once-over. An inscrutable smile played on her face. B jumped like a startled chicken and disappeared behind the pillar. After some time he peeped out surreptitiously but “Manjula” was waiting for him. She gave him a flirty smile. He retracted his head in a hurry and was gone for some time. We were cock-a-hoop. This was going to be damn easy we thought. Our plan to torment him and walk away was going just fine.
After what seemed an eternity he peeped again, but this time he had a flirty smile on his face too. We were completely taken aback. We were not expecting this. He was peeping again, this time the smile was broader and more bolder. We gulped and looked away quickly. We did not want to encourage him any further. But the game was out of our hands. Now it was his turn to play the cat and mouse game with us. He started peeping from the pillar more often and when we looked in his direction he would be highly tickled at the attention and disappear again behind the pillar like a Hindi film hero. Each time he reappeared his smile grew more and more lascivious. It was our turn to sweat.
By now B was totally caught up in the game and decided to do get adventurous. He began darting from pillar to pillar when we were not looking and then suddenly peeping out from unexpected places taking us by surprise. We were in a tizzy. We did not know which pillar he was behind and both of us were looking frantically around trying to spot him so that we could avert our face when he peeped. The four girls who were standing by were watching us shell shocked. They also did not know what to do. We were barely 18 then and man crisis control was not our forte.
The look on B’s face was obvious. He was excited and not quite in control of himself. He was clearly not used to girly attention and even the minuscule attention he got from us had driven him crazy. We were very scared now. We were also far away from the busy platforms so there was no hope of spotting a senior to bail us out.
While “Manjula” and I were hyperventilating, B kept darting around pillars and peeping aggressively. He was like a man possessed and just when we were about to burst into tears, salvation in the form an elderly lady arrived from nowhere. Elderly lady, lets call her Lakshmi had come to the adjacent platform just a few minutes ago and saw a crazy mad man stalking two “innocent” college girls. Lakshmi was used to this. She had girls of her own. And she decided that she wasn’t taking this lying down. She strode into our platform purposefully and stood in front of the pillar behind which our hero was hiding. Then she did the unthinkable. She reached for her handbag and pulled out a Femina. “Oh great” we thought. “She is going to read a magazine and that’s supposed to scare him out of his wits”. However instead reading the magazine she rolled it into a tight roll and just when B peeped out from behind the pillar thwacked him really hard on his ears. B looked like someone had thrown a bucket of very cold water on his face.
Shell shocked he stumbled backwards and walked quickly away from the scene. Aunty rained more blows on his retreating back and finally threw the magazine at him for good measure. We stood there stupidly till Aunty returned from the war path and guided us out of the bus station. She tut tutted about perverts and how they preyed on “innocent” girls. “Manjula” and me looked at each other. We did not know whether to feel sorry for ourselves or ashamed. We were the victims and the perpetrators.
We expressed our gratitude to the lady and rushed back to college, relieved that we had not got into trouble. The other girls were waiting for us at the Canteen their faces white. We ordered some juice mechanically and sipped at it contemplatively avoiding each others eyes. There was absolute silence at the table. The canteen staff looked at us quizzically. We were by far the noisiest group in the college. Perhaps we had been expelled they thought hopefully. A pall of guilt, shame and absolute humiliation hung over the table like a cloud. We did not know what to say. We could not crib about the guy as we were the perpetrators of the crime. We could not laugh off the incident as it did not seem funny at all. It was a silent bunch of girls who departed to their respective homes that day.
Next day when we told the class about the incident it created an uproar and catapulted us into the Hall of Fame for Prize Fools. The college was divided in its opinion though. A section of the student body thought that we should be inducted into the Hall of Fame of the Stupidest Pranks. Though the college was divided in its opinion about the incident everybody agreed that it was bloody hilarious. People had a good laugh at our expense and still do. However for some inexplicable reason “we” are still unable to laugh at the incident. :p
p.s. B left the college soon after when the college found a more experienced Sanskrit teacher. :)
In our pre university year we had only a few students from each stream taking Sanskrit as a language. Most of us had opted for Hindi or Kannada. This did not necessitate a full time Sanskrit teacher and the college authorities decided to bring in a teacher on contract as a temporary arrangement. Since there were no Sanskrit professors or vidwaans in the college, Sister Principal took it on her to interview and appoint someone she thought was fit for the job. The teacher turned out to be a young Brahmin boy named B, no more then 21 years old I think, who had recently passed out as a Sanskrit graduate. He was rather fair and boyish looking and wore traditional clothes that poojary’s usually wear i.e dhoti and a kurta. He had his head shaved except for a bit of hair at the back of the head that was tied up into a pony tail. The Nuns held him in high regard as he looked like a religious person like them. He would look puzzled when the Nuns greeted him with reverence and respect. He was clearly not used to such treatment.
He was also not used to girls and blushed if someone looked his way for more than a nano second. Apparently he taught the class with his eyes averted. It was evident by his timid demeanor that he was intimidated by the female of the species. And that emboldened us too to do what we did…something we had never attempted before on a faculty member.
After observing him for sometime and reassuring ourselves that he was a docile guy we decided to pull his leg. Now we were clever girls…or so we thought. So we got a friend studying in Bishop Cottons to write a love note for B in Kannada. The note purportedly written by one of his students “Manjula”, declared undying love for him and asked him to meet her at the Majestic Bus Stand at a particular platform. We had ensured that this platform did not serve the busy city routes but far flung areas like Yelahanka.
It was an exam day and classes got over by 11 am. By 11:15 am all six of us gathered at the platform. Two of us i.e me and the “Manjula” were to wait for B while the other four stood at the diagonally opposite platform pretending to be waiting for a bus. At the dot of the time specified, B walked into the platform. He looked around nervously and then glanced at us timidly. We ignored him. He placed himself next to a large round pillar looking very unsure and ill at ease. Suddenly “Manjula” turned and gave him an once-over. An inscrutable smile played on her face. B jumped like a startled chicken and disappeared behind the pillar. After some time he peeped out surreptitiously but “Manjula” was waiting for him. She gave him a flirty smile. He retracted his head in a hurry and was gone for some time. We were cock-a-hoop. This was going to be damn easy we thought. Our plan to torment him and walk away was going just fine.
After what seemed an eternity he peeped again, but this time he had a flirty smile on his face too. We were completely taken aback. We were not expecting this. He was peeping again, this time the smile was broader and more bolder. We gulped and looked away quickly. We did not want to encourage him any further. But the game was out of our hands. Now it was his turn to play the cat and mouse game with us. He started peeping from the pillar more often and when we looked in his direction he would be highly tickled at the attention and disappear again behind the pillar like a Hindi film hero. Each time he reappeared his smile grew more and more lascivious. It was our turn to sweat.
By now B was totally caught up in the game and decided to do get adventurous. He began darting from pillar to pillar when we were not looking and then suddenly peeping out from unexpected places taking us by surprise. We were in a tizzy. We did not know which pillar he was behind and both of us were looking frantically around trying to spot him so that we could avert our face when he peeped. The four girls who were standing by were watching us shell shocked. They also did not know what to do. We were barely 18 then and man crisis control was not our forte.
The look on B’s face was obvious. He was excited and not quite in control of himself. He was clearly not used to girly attention and even the minuscule attention he got from us had driven him crazy. We were very scared now. We were also far away from the busy platforms so there was no hope of spotting a senior to bail us out.
While “Manjula” and I were hyperventilating, B kept darting around pillars and peeping aggressively. He was like a man possessed and just when we were about to burst into tears, salvation in the form an elderly lady arrived from nowhere. Elderly lady, lets call her Lakshmi had come to the adjacent platform just a few minutes ago and saw a crazy mad man stalking two “innocent” college girls. Lakshmi was used to this. She had girls of her own. And she decided that she wasn’t taking this lying down. She strode into our platform purposefully and stood in front of the pillar behind which our hero was hiding. Then she did the unthinkable. She reached for her handbag and pulled out a Femina. “Oh great” we thought. “She is going to read a magazine and that’s supposed to scare him out of his wits”. However instead reading the magazine she rolled it into a tight roll and just when B peeped out from behind the pillar thwacked him really hard on his ears. B looked like someone had thrown a bucket of very cold water on his face.
Shell shocked he stumbled backwards and walked quickly away from the scene. Aunty rained more blows on his retreating back and finally threw the magazine at him for good measure. We stood there stupidly till Aunty returned from the war path and guided us out of the bus station. She tut tutted about perverts and how they preyed on “innocent” girls. “Manjula” and me looked at each other. We did not know whether to feel sorry for ourselves or ashamed. We were the victims and the perpetrators.
We expressed our gratitude to the lady and rushed back to college, relieved that we had not got into trouble. The other girls were waiting for us at the Canteen their faces white. We ordered some juice mechanically and sipped at it contemplatively avoiding each others eyes. There was absolute silence at the table. The canteen staff looked at us quizzically. We were by far the noisiest group in the college. Perhaps we had been expelled they thought hopefully. A pall of guilt, shame and absolute humiliation hung over the table like a cloud. We did not know what to say. We could not crib about the guy as we were the perpetrators of the crime. We could not laugh off the incident as it did not seem funny at all. It was a silent bunch of girls who departed to their respective homes that day.
Next day when we told the class about the incident it created an uproar and catapulted us into the Hall of Fame for Prize Fools. The college was divided in its opinion though. A section of the student body thought that we should be inducted into the Hall of Fame of the Stupidest Pranks. Though the college was divided in its opinion about the incident everybody agreed that it was bloody hilarious. People had a good laugh at our expense and still do. However for some inexplicable reason “we” are still unable to laugh at the incident. :p
p.s. B left the college soon after when the college found a more experienced Sanskrit teacher. :)
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Double whammy!
28th March, 8:30 p.m to 9:30 p.m was WWF Earth Hour. Hope you all switched off the lights at 8:30 p.m like the millions of people around the world.I was not able to... :(
We have power cut from 8:30 p.m. to 9:30 pm you see. *sob*
Damn you K.E.B!!! X(
Have a nice weekend folks.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Modesty...I has it!
I was chatting with a little bird today and the little bird informed me that a certain blogger had told her that he had 'apparently' got this mail from “me” the other day!
From: Anjali Philip silverine1 at gmail com
Date: Sun, Mar 22, 2009 at 12:08 PM
Subject: Hi
To: A blogger
Touching aint it? Now let me tell you all a secret. I get such messages too. Honestly!! Though modesty prevents me waxing eloquent about my “silent admirers” I cannot but share some interesting mails I get with you all. I am not showing off now... mind you. This is just to let you all know how honored I am by the mails sent in by some people. Here's a sample of a few mails amongst the thousands I get.
From: Barack Obama barack dot obama at gmail com
Date: Sun, Mar 23, 2009 at 10:18 PM
Subject: Greetings
To: Anjali Philip
From: Ernest Hemingway ernest dot hemingway at gmail com
Date: Mon, Dec 29, 2008 at 11:30 AM
Subject: Hello!
To: Anjali Philip
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: William Shakespeare william dot shakespeare at gmail com
Date: Thurs, Sept 4, 2008 at 09:35 AM
Subject: Thy blog!
To: Anjali Philip
From: John Abraham john dot abraham at gmail com
Date: Wed, Oct 1, 2008 at 07:15 PM
Subject: How you doin!
To: Anjali Philip
From: Bipasha Basu bipasha dot basu at gmail com
Date: Thurs, Oct 2, 2008 at 10:10 PM
Subject: No Subject
To: Anjali Philip
From: Angelina Jolie angelina dot jolie at yahoo com
Date: Mon, Mar 23, 2009 at 10:10 PM
Subject:Hello dear!
To: Anjali Philip
I guess you get the idea now! ;) Have a nice week folks!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Call to Duty!
The State Government here has announced a unique scheme that enables ‘ordinary’ citizens like you and me to take part in nation building in a more intimate manner than the present passionless participation by way of paying taxes only. Now, you will all argue that you pay your taxes with a lot of passion and vehemence and ill will…and I agree. But this novel scheme dear friends is just the ticket to good governance and a Golden State. Finally 'you' my dear friends will play a crucial role in the day to day functioning of your city, village and town!!
I was fortunate to meet and interview the Minister who has introduced this scheme at his office today. Here are some excerpts from the interview.
Me: Namaskara Minister avarugalu! At the outset let me tell you that your new scheme is indeed a path breaking idea in modern governance!
Minister: Thank you! Thank you! I am a humble public servant wonly heh heh
Me: Could you tell us something about this new idea that allows the ordinary citizen play a pivotal role in the day to day governance of the State?
Minster: Khanditha (sure)!! The new scheme is called “Adopt a Government School!!!”
Me: Fantastic!
Minister: Heh heh thank you, thank you! We are like this wonly!
Me: And how does an ordinary citizen go about adopting a school?
Minister: Ah! It is very simple actually! All that a citizen has to do is choose a school and donate an amount and the money will be used for the running of the school wonly!
Me: Excellent idea Sir! This would indeed alleviate the misery err I mean the problems in government schools.
Minister: Heh heh the humble idea was mine wonly! I now propose to expand the scope of this project!
Me: Think of the possibilities Sir. You can have “Adopt a Village” and “Adopt a Forest”….the possibilities!! You are a genius Sir!!
Minister: Err well ahem thank you. Our next project will be “Adopt a Government Hospital”
Me: Hmmm that sounds good too. This will ensure that the poor get better treatment and the hospital better facilities!
Minister: Exactly! Then we plan to introduce “Adopt a Police Station”
Me: That's wonderful. I guess public participation will make them less corrupt err I mean more efficient!
Minister: Ahem...by adopt I mean a member of the public pays for its upkeep wonly you see!
Me: And what about the government?
Minister (smoothly): We will take care of the funds…I mean administration!
Me: Hmmm
Minister (quickly): Think of the public works we can undertake with the money saved on these institutions!
Me: I have to concede that you are right there!
Minister (bowing): Humble thanks wonly! Don’t you want to hear of the other things that will come under the purview of this scheme soon?
Me: Of course!
Minister: After we have put up all government institutions for adoption, we will introduce “Adopt a Lamp Post!!”
Me: What!!
Minister: Followed by “Adopt a Lamp post Tube light/Sodium Vapor Lamp”
Me: Huh!
Minister (earnestly): Do you blog?
Me: Blog? Err what’s that?
Minister: Never mind. But if you did, you could adopt a stretch of power line in any part of the State and we will allow you to advertise your blog or website on it absolutely free!!!
Me: Yikes!
Minister: And that would come under our “Adopt a Stretch of Electricity Wire” scheme!
Me (sarcastically): Great.
Minister: That will soon be followed by “Adopt a Stretch of Road” and “Adopt a Public Tap” and “Adopt a garbage heap” or “Adopt a Traffic Copper” or “Adopt a stretch of a Flyover” or "Adopt a Manhole." The possibilities like you said, are endless!!
Me (dryly): Anything else you have left “uncovered” Sir!
Minister: Hmm let me see. Did I mention “Adopt the Metro Train?"
Me: Groan!
Minister (wagging a finger): You don’t worry your head girl. We will ensure all governmental responsibilities are covered by you all heh heh!
Me: I am sure you would Sir. You will have a lot of free time to do that I can see.
Minister: All in a days work of a humble public servant ma'am!
Me: Thank you Sir for your valuable time. I will see myself out!
Minister: Heh heh thank you for your visit. By the way, on you way out you can choose to “Adopt a govt office table” or “Adopt a govt office cupboard” or…
Me (hastily): I get the picture Sir. But no thank you...there is a sewage blockage near my house. I think I will adopt that for now.
Minister: Whatay spirit! *sniff* We need more people like you to make our State the Golden State of our country! Shabash!!
Me: Thank you...Sir...I think! :-S
I was fortunate to meet and interview the Minister who has introduced this scheme at his office today. Here are some excerpts from the interview.
Me: Namaskara Minister avarugalu! At the outset let me tell you that your new scheme is indeed a path breaking idea in modern governance!
Minister: Thank you! Thank you! I am a humble public servant wonly heh heh
Me: Could you tell us something about this new idea that allows the ordinary citizen play a pivotal role in the day to day governance of the State?
Minster: Khanditha (sure)!! The new scheme is called “Adopt a Government School!!!”
Me: Fantastic!
Minister: Heh heh thank you, thank you! We are like this wonly!
Me: And how does an ordinary citizen go about adopting a school?
Minister: Ah! It is very simple actually! All that a citizen has to do is choose a school and donate an amount and the money will be used for the running of the school wonly!
Me: Excellent idea Sir! This would indeed alleviate the misery err I mean the problems in government schools.
Minister: Heh heh the humble idea was mine wonly! I now propose to expand the scope of this project!
Me: Think of the possibilities Sir. You can have “Adopt a Village” and “Adopt a Forest”….the possibilities!! You are a genius Sir!!
Minister: Err well ahem thank you. Our next project will be “Adopt a Government Hospital”
Me: Hmmm that sounds good too. This will ensure that the poor get better treatment and the hospital better facilities!
Minister: Exactly! Then we plan to introduce “Adopt a Police Station”
Me: That's wonderful. I guess public participation will make them less corrupt err I mean more efficient!
Minister: Ahem...by adopt I mean a member of the public pays for its upkeep wonly you see!
Me: And what about the government?
Minister (smoothly): We will take care of the funds…I mean administration!
Me: Hmmm
Minister (quickly): Think of the public works we can undertake with the money saved on these institutions!
Me: I have to concede that you are right there!
Minister (bowing): Humble thanks wonly! Don’t you want to hear of the other things that will come under the purview of this scheme soon?
Me: Of course!
Minister: After we have put up all government institutions for adoption, we will introduce “Adopt a Lamp Post!!”
Me: What!!
Minister: Followed by “Adopt a Lamp post Tube light/Sodium Vapor Lamp”
Me: Huh!
Minister (earnestly): Do you blog?
Me: Blog? Err what’s that?
Minister: Never mind. But if you did, you could adopt a stretch of power line in any part of the State and we will allow you to advertise your blog or website on it absolutely free!!!
Me: Yikes!
Minister: And that would come under our “Adopt a Stretch of Electricity Wire” scheme!
Me (sarcastically): Great.
Minister: That will soon be followed by “Adopt a Stretch of Road” and “Adopt a Public Tap” and “Adopt a garbage heap” or “Adopt a Traffic Copper” or “Adopt a stretch of a Flyover” or "Adopt a Manhole." The possibilities like you said, are endless!!
Me (dryly): Anything else you have left “uncovered” Sir!
Minister: Hmm let me see. Did I mention “Adopt the Metro Train?"
Me: Groan!
Minister (wagging a finger): You don’t worry your head girl. We will ensure all governmental responsibilities are covered by you all heh heh!
Me: I am sure you would Sir. You will have a lot of free time to do that I can see.
Minister: All in a days work of a humble public servant ma'am!
Me: Thank you Sir for your valuable time. I will see myself out!
Minister: Heh heh thank you for your visit. By the way, on you way out you can choose to “Adopt a govt office table” or “Adopt a govt office cupboard” or…
Me (hastily): I get the picture Sir. But no thank you...there is a sewage blockage near my house. I think I will adopt that for now.
Minister: Whatay spirit! *sniff* We need more people like you to make our State the Golden State of our country! Shabash!!
Me: Thank you...Sir...I think! :-S
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
The terrible thing about good memory
At precisely 10 am this morning the Boss’s phone rang!
Boss: Hello dear!
Wifey: #$@%@$@!!!
Boss: *gasp*
Wifey: &%$#@*!!!
Boss: Yes dear!
Wifey: *unprintable*
Boss: Yes dear!
Wife: *more unprintable*
Boss: Sorry dear! :(
Wife: *SLAM*
At precisely 10:15 am my phone rang!
Me: Hello Boss!
Boss: Silverine! Ahem… have you forgotten something?
Me: hmmm I don’t think so!
Boss (gently): Ah! Think again my dear!
Me: Sorry...I don’t think I have forgotten anything!
Boss: TODAY IS MY F***ING WEDDING ANNIVERSARY FOR GODS SAKES!!!
Me: *gasp*
Boss: WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO REMIND ME!!!
Me: Yes Boss! :(
BOSS: WHAT DO YOU MEAN “YES BOSS”?
Me: Yes Boss :(
Boss: DO HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU HAVE CREATED FOR ME!
Me: Yes Boss! :(
Boss: WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF NOW!!
Me: Sorry Boss!
Boss: *SLAM*
Note to self: Next appraisal meeting please ensure that you ask for suitable remuneration for your additional responsibilities as Birthday/Anniversary Reminder Service Provider for the grey haired farts in the office!
p.s the quote for the week in my email template is “The heart that truly loves never forgets.” tee hee
Boss: Hello dear!
Wifey: #$@%@$@!!!
Boss: *gasp*
Wifey: &%$#@*!!!
Boss: Yes dear!
Wifey: *unprintable*
Boss: Yes dear!
Wife: *more unprintable*
Boss: Sorry dear! :(
Wife: *SLAM*
At precisely 10:15 am my phone rang!
Me: Hello Boss!
Boss: Silverine! Ahem… have you forgotten something?
Me: hmmm I don’t think so!
Boss (gently): Ah! Think again my dear!
Me: Sorry...I don’t think I have forgotten anything!
Boss: TODAY IS MY F***ING WEDDING ANNIVERSARY FOR GODS SAKES!!!
Me: *gasp*
Boss: WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO REMIND ME!!!
Me: Yes Boss! :(
BOSS: WHAT DO YOU MEAN “YES BOSS”?
Me: Yes Boss :(
Boss: DO HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU HAVE CREATED FOR ME!
Me: Yes Boss! :(
Boss: WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF NOW!!
Me: Sorry Boss!
Boss: *SLAM*
Note to self: Next appraisal meeting please ensure that you ask for suitable remuneration for your additional responsibilities as Birthday/Anniversary Reminder Service Provider for the grey haired farts in the office!
p.s the quote for the week in my email template is “The heart that truly loves never forgets.” tee hee
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Modern day Sindbads!
Jose my cousin brother was a distraught man. He looked haggard, his face drawn and white and unshaven. He had that hunted look on his face of people being chased by Bank Collectors. Well… I don’t know how such people look but I am guessing here. Don’t be so judgmental now! Jose dropped in home for the weekend and my mom gasped when she saw her favorite nephew looking a shadow of his former self. After she had tidied him up and fed him and fussed over him, we heard Jose’s dukh bhari kahani.
Jose lives in a one room apartment in Chennai. He was a direct placement from an Engineering college into one of the IT companies there. One fine day, he got a call from his long forgotten Kindergarten buddy. Buddy, lets call him Thomas, was trying desperately to get in touch with him.
Thomas: Are you Jose from St. Josephs School?
Jose: No!
Thomas: From St. Xavier’s?
Jose: No!
Thomas: St. Aloysius perhaps?
Jose: No, Rajagiri actually!
Thomas: Ah! Then you are the Jose I am looking for. I was your classmate in Kindergarten you know.
Jose: hmmm I don’t remember any Thomas in my class.
Thomas: A class in a Kerala school without a Thomas? LOL!!! Not possible!
Jose: What do you want?
Thomas: Well…my younger brother is coming to Chennai for his first job. He needs accommodation for a few days till he finds his own. It will be just a few days!
Jose: hmm I …
Thomas: It’s settled then. Tinto will be there in some time. Bye
Jose: But…
Thomas: *SLAM*
Next minute there as a knock on the door. When Jose opened the door a two hundred pounder of a guy walked in with his luggage and deposited the same on the floor with a thud, before collapsing on the sofa.
Tinto: Endhoru choodu! (It is very hot)
Jose: Hi!
Tinto: Please put on the fan!
Jose: err yes! Sure!
Tinto: *phew*
Late in the evening as Jose made dinner, Tinto woke up from his siesta and lumbered into the tiny kitchen,
Tinto: Cheta, what are you cooking?
Jose: Rice and Sambhar!
Tinto: Have you any beef in the house?
Jose: I think there is some in the fridge!
Tinto: Would you like some Beef Fry to go with that rice?
Jose (brightening up): Yes!! I would love some!!
Tinto: Great! Make it spicy okay? I love my Beef Fry spicy!
Later in the night when Jose was cleaning up after a dinner of Rice, Sambhar and Beef Fry, Tinto walked in.
Tinto: Cheta where do I sleep?
Jose: I have an extra mattress and…
Tinto: Great! Nice of you to sleep on the mattress.
Jose: But…
Tinto: Good Night!
Much later in the night as poor Jose tossed and turned on the mattress on the floor, Tinto got up and woke him up from his misery!
Tinto: Cheta are you feeling hot?
Jose: Not particularly!
Tinto: Then I guess you wouldn’t mind putting off the fan!
Jose: But…
Tinto: Thanks!
Jose tossed and turned and when it became unbearably hot, went to the verandah and lay down, where he slept, swatted mosquitoes covered himself with blanket and fanned himself with a newspaper (not necessarily in that order he says). Around 2 am Tinto woke him up again from the miserable routine.
“Cheta I think I hear a burglar” he said in a fearful whisper. “That’s just the neighbor’s pet monkey” reassured Jose snuggling into the sheet. “No, I swear I saw him jumping to our roof” said Tinto whispering hoarsely. Jose sighed and went out groggily to tell Kannan to stop jumping on the roof and be a good boy when out of the blue a stick ran blows on his back. Not to be outdone Jose lunged at the attacker with the choicest Kung Fu and Karate moves he had seen on TV. A fierce battle ensured with neither the attacker nor Jose really sure what they were fighting for, as the attacker spoke Tamil and Jose is yet to learn Tamil. By the time the neighbors had separated the two, it was dawn and Jose and his landlord beheld each other in absolute disbelief.
By now the landlord was pretty sure that it was Jose who comes sneaking in the night to see his daughter and asked him to move out. Jose cannot imagine ANYONE leave alone himself, running after the landlord’s daughter who looks like an obese Hippopotamus with a cleft palate.
Tinto was then invited to take over as tenant and Jose found another place to live. Peace was restored in Jose’s life or so he thought when the phone rang. It was Tinto.
Jose is back to sleeping on the floor on the mattress while Tinto occupies the bed. There is no Kannan in this house. But the landlord’s has a son called Karthik and a cat called Kummi.
To cut a rather long story short, Tinto has been asked by the landlord to take over the house
And Jose is looking for another house.
( p.s a certain gentleman and his three children have been warned of dire consequences if they so much as smile at someone's nephews plight. For comic relief they use the garden. Which reminds me I need to go to the garden urgently now. Have a nice week folks!)
Jose lives in a one room apartment in Chennai. He was a direct placement from an Engineering college into one of the IT companies there. One fine day, he got a call from his long forgotten Kindergarten buddy. Buddy, lets call him Thomas, was trying desperately to get in touch with him.
Thomas: Are you Jose from St. Josephs School?
Jose: No!
Thomas: From St. Xavier’s?
Jose: No!
Thomas: St. Aloysius perhaps?
Jose: No, Rajagiri actually!
Thomas: Ah! Then you are the Jose I am looking for. I was your classmate in Kindergarten you know.
Jose: hmmm I don’t remember any Thomas in my class.
Thomas: A class in a Kerala school without a Thomas? LOL!!! Not possible!
Jose: What do you want?
Thomas: Well…my younger brother is coming to Chennai for his first job. He needs accommodation for a few days till he finds his own. It will be just a few days!
Jose: hmm I …
Thomas: It’s settled then. Tinto will be there in some time. Bye
Jose: But…
Thomas: *SLAM*
Next minute there as a knock on the door. When Jose opened the door a two hundred pounder of a guy walked in with his luggage and deposited the same on the floor with a thud, before collapsing on the sofa.
Tinto: Endhoru choodu! (It is very hot)
Jose: Hi!
Tinto: Please put on the fan!
Jose: err yes! Sure!
Tinto: *phew*
Late in the evening as Jose made dinner, Tinto woke up from his siesta and lumbered into the tiny kitchen,
Tinto: Cheta, what are you cooking?
Jose: Rice and Sambhar!
Tinto: Have you any beef in the house?
Jose: I think there is some in the fridge!
Tinto: Would you like some Beef Fry to go with that rice?
Jose (brightening up): Yes!! I would love some!!
Tinto: Great! Make it spicy okay? I love my Beef Fry spicy!
Later in the night when Jose was cleaning up after a dinner of Rice, Sambhar and Beef Fry, Tinto walked in.
Tinto: Cheta where do I sleep?
Jose: I have an extra mattress and…
Tinto: Great! Nice of you to sleep on the mattress.
Jose: But…
Tinto: Good Night!
Much later in the night as poor Jose tossed and turned on the mattress on the floor, Tinto got up and woke him up from his misery!
Tinto: Cheta are you feeling hot?
Jose: Not particularly!
Tinto: Then I guess you wouldn’t mind putting off the fan!
Jose: But…
Tinto: Thanks!
Jose tossed and turned and when it became unbearably hot, went to the verandah and lay down, where he slept, swatted mosquitoes covered himself with blanket and fanned himself with a newspaper (not necessarily in that order he says). Around 2 am Tinto woke him up again from the miserable routine.
“Cheta I think I hear a burglar” he said in a fearful whisper. “That’s just the neighbor’s pet monkey” reassured Jose snuggling into the sheet. “No, I swear I saw him jumping to our roof” said Tinto whispering hoarsely. Jose sighed and went out groggily to tell Kannan to stop jumping on the roof and be a good boy when out of the blue a stick ran blows on his back. Not to be outdone Jose lunged at the attacker with the choicest Kung Fu and Karate moves he had seen on TV. A fierce battle ensured with neither the attacker nor Jose really sure what they were fighting for, as the attacker spoke Tamil and Jose is yet to learn Tamil. By the time the neighbors had separated the two, it was dawn and Jose and his landlord beheld each other in absolute disbelief.
By now the landlord was pretty sure that it was Jose who comes sneaking in the night to see his daughter and asked him to move out. Jose cannot imagine ANYONE leave alone himself, running after the landlord’s daughter who looks like an obese Hippopotamus with a cleft palate.
Tinto was then invited to take over as tenant and Jose found another place to live. Peace was restored in Jose’s life or so he thought when the phone rang. It was Tinto.
Jose is back to sleeping on the floor on the mattress while Tinto occupies the bed. There is no Kannan in this house. But the landlord’s has a son called Karthik and a cat called Kummi.
To cut a rather long story short, Tinto has been asked by the landlord to take over the house
And Jose is looking for another house.
( p.s a certain gentleman and his three children have been warned of dire consequences if they so much as smile at someone's nephews plight. For comic relief they use the garden. Which reminds me I need to go to the garden urgently now. Have a nice week folks!)
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Cultural Shock!
( Video courtesy Youtube)
Dedicating this song to the most eligible man in Karnataka. Happy Valentines Day sweetheart!! *muah*
A Valentine Day anecdote... 'reengineered' and served for the above mentioned gent and his cultural studs!
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.
The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his kurta.
She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a bharathiya naari before you die. Are you interested?"
Eagerly, she shakes her head, "Yes!"
And the man thrashes her to pulp!
Now chew on that in jail! ;)
Have a nice weekend folks. I am off to join the pub bharo andolan!
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Stupid cupid!
“Anjali, I need to talk to you” said Shobha in a woebegone tone. “It’s about Arun” she said her eyes misting. “I think he is cheating on me!”
Alarm bells started ringing stridently in my head. Previous outcomes of interceding in colleague’s love-lives and its disastrous consequences flashed before my eyes for some time in a rather long flash presentation.
“I am sorry I cannot help you” I said abruptly, walking away from her. Every time I advised some gal, I ended up becoming the villain of the piece after BF and GF kissed and made up.
BF: I cannot believe that you called me a double crosser Anita *sniff*
GF: But…
BF: I was only giving that girl a lift home you know!
GF (looking ashamed): I am sorry!
BF: And her kissing me goodnight was umm her way of saying good night in her err Rajput tradition!!
GF: Really?
BF: Yes!! And sliding her hands inside my shirt is a sign of respect amongst Bengalis you know!!
GF: But…
BF (quickly): Her mom is Bengali you see!
GF: Oh!!
BF: Yet you suspected me! *sob*
GF (defensively): It was Anjali who said that you were lying!
*TWAAAANNNNNG*
Here the jarring note folks? That’s yours truly! I am ashamed to admit that I have been a jarring note in many a people’s love life due to my [quote] suspicious and distrustful nature laced with jealousy due to my single status [unquote]!! Sigh!
So some time back, I took a firm resolution dear friends that I would stop putting two and two together and coming up with 22 or worse… 222!! Full of good intentions I went to give the good news to my best buddy in office, Srividya.
Me: Sri! From now on I will not jump to conclusions and create problems in people’s lives!
Sri: Yeah sure!
Me: Really!!! Please believe me!
Sri: Let’s see.
Me: See, the other day I saw Arun and that Sowmya from HP in his car and I knew there was a prefect explanation to that!
Sri: Really?
Me: Yes! I am sure he saw her on the road and decided to give her a lift!!
Sri: Good girl!
Me: And you know what? When I saw her sitting on his lap, I knew that there was a perfectly normal explanation to that too!!!
Sri: What!
Me: He had a sudden attack of amnesia and forgot driving and she had to take over the steering!!! Simple!
Sri: err
Me: And you know what! The poor guy was so demoralized by the episode and that she had to whisper words of encouragement into his ears!!
Sri: Aiyyo!
Me: And her running her hand through his hair...that must be to rejuvenate his memory I am sure!
Sri: WTF!!! How long has this been going on?
Me: Around six months. I guess this must a severe case of Amnesia.
Sri: *gasp*
Me: And guess what? I saw them coming out of the Registrars office the other day! I am sure they had gone to give witness to someone’s marriage!
Sri: Katavule!
Me: Yes! And you know what! I am sure there is a perfect explanation to Sowmya’s growing tummy too!
Sri: Oh my f***g gawd!!! When did that happen!!!
Me: Oh a month back! I am sure she must be suffering from flatulence!
Sri: Jesus Christ!!!
Me: Aren’t you proud of me!
Sri: *choicest Tamil epithets*
Me (breathlessly): And guess what! Arun proposed to Shobha and she accepted!!! I am so happy!
Sri: *swoon* *thud*
Sri wouldn't talk to me for sometime after that. But I am sure there was a perfect explanation for that too folks...temporary paralysis of the vocal chords!
Have a nice week folks and Happy Valentines Day on the 14th!!!
Alarm bells started ringing stridently in my head. Previous outcomes of interceding in colleague’s love-lives and its disastrous consequences flashed before my eyes for some time in a rather long flash presentation.
“I am sorry I cannot help you” I said abruptly, walking away from her. Every time I advised some gal, I ended up becoming the villain of the piece after BF and GF kissed and made up.
BF: I cannot believe that you called me a double crosser Anita *sniff*
GF: But…
BF: I was only giving that girl a lift home you know!
GF (looking ashamed): I am sorry!
BF: And her kissing me goodnight was umm her way of saying good night in her err Rajput tradition!!
GF: Really?
BF: Yes!! And sliding her hands inside my shirt is a sign of respect amongst Bengalis you know!!
GF: But…
BF (quickly): Her mom is Bengali you see!
GF: Oh!!
BF: Yet you suspected me! *sob*
GF (defensively): It was Anjali who said that you were lying!
*TWAAAANNNNNG*
Here the jarring note folks? That’s yours truly! I am ashamed to admit that I have been a jarring note in many a people’s love life due to my [quote] suspicious and distrustful nature laced with jealousy due to my single status [unquote]!! Sigh!
So some time back, I took a firm resolution dear friends that I would stop putting two and two together and coming up with 22 or worse… 222!! Full of good intentions I went to give the good news to my best buddy in office, Srividya.
Me: Sri! From now on I will not jump to conclusions and create problems in people’s lives!
Sri: Yeah sure!
Me: Really!!! Please believe me!
Sri: Let’s see.
Me: See, the other day I saw Arun and that Sowmya from HP in his car and I knew there was a prefect explanation to that!
Sri: Really?
Me: Yes! I am sure he saw her on the road and decided to give her a lift!!
Sri: Good girl!
Me: And you know what? When I saw her sitting on his lap, I knew that there was a perfectly normal explanation to that too!!!
Sri: What!
Me: He had a sudden attack of amnesia and forgot driving and she had to take over the steering!!! Simple!
Sri: err
Me: And you know what! The poor guy was so demoralized by the episode and that she had to whisper words of encouragement into his ears!!
Sri: Aiyyo!
Me: And her running her hand through his hair...that must be to rejuvenate his memory I am sure!
Sri: WTF!!! How long has this been going on?
Me: Around six months. I guess this must a severe case of Amnesia.
Sri: *gasp*
Me: And guess what? I saw them coming out of the Registrars office the other day! I am sure they had gone to give witness to someone’s marriage!
Sri: Katavule!
Me: Yes! And you know what! I am sure there is a perfect explanation to Sowmya’s growing tummy too!
Sri: Oh my f***g gawd!!! When did that happen!!!
Me: Oh a month back! I am sure she must be suffering from flatulence!
Sri: Jesus Christ!!!
Me: Aren’t you proud of me!
Sri: *choicest Tamil epithets*
Me (breathlessly): And guess what! Arun proposed to Shobha and she accepted!!! I am so happy!
Sri: *swoon* *thud*
Sri wouldn't talk to me for sometime after that. But I am sure there was a perfect explanation for that too folks...temporary paralysis of the vocal chords!
Have a nice week folks and Happy Valentines Day on the 14th!!!
Monday, February 02, 2009
In the line of ire
A Prominent Journalist (PJ) working for a television news channel owned by a bearded man has just sued one of our own dear friends for - you wont believe it- voicing his opinion in his personal blog! The PJ feels that just because a person has a blog, does not mean he should write what he feels. "He can always post pictures!!" she exclaimed animatedly. The bearded man nodded in agreement. According to the PJ “only Journalists should be allowed to voice or pen down their opinion. The others should just shut up and listen…preferably to Yen Dee TV.” Boogle, the company that owns Flog Spot were not available for comment but a company spokesperson confirmed that Registration of Flogs have almost tripled overnight. So peoples we all have to very careful about what we put in our blogs and must not in any ways pointedly write about anyone or anything unless our name rhymes with Murk Ha Butt.
Anyways lets leave that aside and concentrate on the post of the week. This week I thought I will bring you a round up of news from around the country and the world, unlike the jabber I usually put in here. This post I hope will open your eyes to the possibilities err I mean to the happenings around us.
1. The war in Hiri Panka has considerably increased the temperature of Jennai a city in Manil Padu. Lawyers in this city have decided to go on a rampage to protest the Hindian government’s heinous policy of non interference in another country’s internal affairs. "This is irresponsible and violates every principles of justice" said the lawyers in righteous anger.
2. The Chief Election Commissioner Mr Comepalaswamy has asked the government to remove Mr Davin Pawla from the post of Election Commissioner. The government has given the suggestion due consideration and thrown it in the nearest dust bin.
3. Meanwhile Tackistan is expected to communicate the results of its investigations into the Hindian Governments investigations into the 27/12 attack in Tumbai. Right now they are weighing their words. It is rumored that they are rather heavy!
4. In a news that gladdened the cockles of this reporters heart, Asatyam Computers, informed it employees that their salaries had been credited to their bank accounts. Personally this reporter feels that the employees should get together and whip the tainted a*** of their ex CEO Mr Kaju Kamalingam for endangering the company without a thought to the future of the thousands of people it employs directly and indirectly, not to mention the beating it gave to the credibility of Hindian companies!
5. Hindia is considering tightening rules as more and more Mangladeshis are found to be overstaying their welcome in the country. The Home Ministry has asked for suggestions from the External Affairs ministry on how to ensure that visitor from the country do not overstay. A ministry official said under conditions of anonymity "As if we have a clue LOL!!!" He was seen ROFL after the statement.
6. The scion of the Bandhi family, Mr Bahul Bandhi has said that speaking from personal experience he can confidently say that the VeeJayPea’s plot to divide and rule the country will not work. The VeeJayPea leadership have refused to comment on the same but it is learnt that an inquiry has been ordered into the leakage of classified information from the party office.
7. A new Follywood film will give viewers a ring side view of the industry says a news report. The script will of course be contrived like most Follywood scripts. “If viewers want the reality, they should join Follywood” chuckled Mr Yarnwala a Follywood scriptwriter. Then he dissolved into laughter giving his 400 pound frame a much needed workout.
8. And finally news from the sporting arena. The Eye See See has withdrawn the Champs Trophy from Tackistan citing security concerns. However the Eye See See has assured Tackistan that it will ensure that international cricket is played in the country provided the venue of the match is outside Tackistan.
This news report post was bought to you by Cilverine the alter ego of Silverine who has err retired from blogging...for now.
Anyways lets leave that aside and concentrate on the post of the week. This week I thought I will bring you a round up of news from around the country and the world, unlike the jabber I usually put in here. This post I hope will open your eyes to the possibilities err I mean to the happenings around us.
1. The war in Hiri Panka has considerably increased the temperature of Jennai a city in Manil Padu. Lawyers in this city have decided to go on a rampage to protest the Hindian government’s heinous policy of non interference in another country’s internal affairs. "This is irresponsible and violates every principles of justice" said the lawyers in righteous anger.
2. The Chief Election Commissioner Mr Comepalaswamy has asked the government to remove Mr Davin Pawla from the post of Election Commissioner. The government has given the suggestion due consideration and thrown it in the nearest dust bin.
3. Meanwhile Tackistan is expected to communicate the results of its investigations into the Hindian Governments investigations into the 27/12 attack in Tumbai. Right now they are weighing their words. It is rumored that they are rather heavy!
4. In a news that gladdened the cockles of this reporters heart, Asatyam Computers, informed it employees that their salaries had been credited to their bank accounts. Personally this reporter feels that the employees should get together and whip the tainted a*** of their ex CEO Mr Kaju Kamalingam for endangering the company without a thought to the future of the thousands of people it employs directly and indirectly, not to mention the beating it gave to the credibility of Hindian companies!
5. Hindia is considering tightening rules as more and more Mangladeshis are found to be overstaying their welcome in the country. The Home Ministry has asked for suggestions from the External Affairs ministry on how to ensure that visitor from the country do not overstay. A ministry official said under conditions of anonymity "As if we have a clue LOL!!!" He was seen ROFL after the statement.
6. The scion of the Bandhi family, Mr Bahul Bandhi has said that speaking from personal experience he can confidently say that the VeeJayPea’s plot to divide and rule the country will not work. The VeeJayPea leadership have refused to comment on the same but it is learnt that an inquiry has been ordered into the leakage of classified information from the party office.
7. A new Follywood film will give viewers a ring side view of the industry says a news report. The script will of course be contrived like most Follywood scripts. “If viewers want the reality, they should join Follywood” chuckled Mr Yarnwala a Follywood scriptwriter. Then he dissolved into laughter giving his 400 pound frame a much needed workout.
8. And finally news from the sporting arena. The Eye See See has withdrawn the Champs Trophy from Tackistan citing security concerns. However the Eye See See has assured Tackistan that it will ensure that international cricket is played in the country provided the venue of the match is outside Tackistan.
This news report post was bought to you by Cilverine the alter ego of Silverine who has err retired from blogging...for now.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Clause and Effect
Flash News
Mumbai: The Taj Mahal Hotel which was insured against a terror attack will soon be rebuilt without much cost to the company we are told. According to a Press Release, the Management of the Hotel was delighted when they got the bill. It was promptly sent over to their Insurance Company for settlement. The Insurance Company was also reportedly delighted to have been of assistance. They declined the coffee and croissants however citing acute nausea.
Reacting to this news in a hurriedly organized Press Conference, The Insurance Companies Association of India (TICA) announced several new coverage schemes for buildings big and small against terror attacks.
A spokesperson for TICA said that "the attack on the Taj Mahal has bought the issue of terrorism into our Reception, single bedrooms, double bedrooms, Honeymoon Suite, Presidential Suite, Patisserie, Bar, Chinese restaurant, Sushi Bar, Italian restaurant, Afghan restaurant, the Grand Ballroom, Business Center etc. It has therefore become imperative for Insurance Companies to take a relook at the existing schemes that cover terror attack and make it more comprehensive to help business offset losses suffered due to damage to buildings and infrastructure due to terrorist attacks and or acts of war."
The news was greeted with relief by beleaguered businesses reeling under the recession and threats of attack by terrorists. When queried by a reporter about the conditions and clauses of these new schemes, the spokesperson said "Ahem!" He declined to comment further.
Under conditions of anonymity an association member revealed that a building will be considered a victim of terror attack if the terrorists -
1. Were not from a neighboring country
2. Did not speak Urdu or Hindi
3. Do not like Amitabh Bachchan movies and or were fans of Shah Rukh Khan, Aishwarya Rai, Salman Khan etc ( For full list see Annexure I)
4. Did not carry automatic weapons but used only a butter knife for the operation, (though a provision under Rule 456, Section ii provides for allowing a Fruit Knife and or Swiss knife attack at an additional premium of Rs 50,000/- per month. For full list of weapons see the Kitchen Implements section of your department store)
5. Have not at any point in their life watched/owned a pirated Bollywood movie
6. Have not at any point in their life heard/owned pirated Bollywood music
7. Have not at any point in their life owned an illegal Reliance Connection
8. Possessed only one valid Passport
9. And only one legal verified SIM card connection
10. Are medically certified to suffer from sea sickness
11. Had not entered the country illegally
12. Were honest and law abiding citizens
The spokesperson added "I forgot to mention the Spa and Health Club in the third paragraph."
Mumbai: The Taj Mahal Hotel which was insured against a terror attack will soon be rebuilt without much cost to the company we are told. According to a Press Release, the Management of the Hotel was delighted when they got the bill. It was promptly sent over to their Insurance Company for settlement. The Insurance Company was also reportedly delighted to have been of assistance. They declined the coffee and croissants however citing acute nausea.
Reacting to this news in a hurriedly organized Press Conference, The Insurance Companies Association of India (TICA) announced several new coverage schemes for buildings big and small against terror attacks.
A spokesperson for TICA said that "the attack on the Taj Mahal has bought the issue of terrorism into our Reception, single bedrooms, double bedrooms, Honeymoon Suite, Presidential Suite, Patisserie, Bar, Chinese restaurant, Sushi Bar, Italian restaurant, Afghan restaurant, the Grand Ballroom, Business Center etc. It has therefore become imperative for Insurance Companies to take a relook at the existing schemes that cover terror attack and make it more comprehensive to help business offset losses suffered due to damage to buildings and infrastructure due to terrorist attacks and or acts of war."
The news was greeted with relief by beleaguered businesses reeling under the recession and threats of attack by terrorists. When queried by a reporter about the conditions and clauses of these new schemes, the spokesperson said "Ahem!" He declined to comment further.
Under conditions of anonymity an association member revealed that a building will be considered a victim of terror attack if the terrorists -
1. Were not from a neighboring country
2. Did not speak Urdu or Hindi
3. Do not like Amitabh Bachchan movies and or were fans of Shah Rukh Khan, Aishwarya Rai, Salman Khan etc ( For full list see Annexure I)
4. Did not carry automatic weapons but used only a butter knife for the operation, (though a provision under Rule 456, Section ii provides for allowing a Fruit Knife and or Swiss knife attack at an additional premium of Rs 50,000/- per month. For full list of weapons see the Kitchen Implements section of your department store)
5. Have not at any point in their life watched/owned a pirated Bollywood movie
6. Have not at any point in their life heard/owned pirated Bollywood music
7. Have not at any point in their life owned an illegal Reliance Connection
8. Possessed only one valid Passport
9. And only one legal verified SIM card connection
10. Are medically certified to suffer from sea sickness
11. Had not entered the country illegally
12. Were honest and law abiding citizens
The spokesperson added "I forgot to mention the Spa and Health Club in the third paragraph."
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Doubting Thomasina
“Come on girl you can do it” I told myself for the nth time. “Don’t lose heart. You can do it. Let go of the feelings that you cannot. Think positive!!!” I urged myself. But it was of no use. I had lost the ability to gossip! :( This is a tragedy of epic proportions peoples for a girl like me. It is like losing the will to live!!
My friends despaired. Conversations with me were becoming difficult.
Friend 1: Did you hear that Rohan is cheating on Anjana!!
Me: Bullshit!!
Friend 2: Really???? Wow!!! Err… I mean how sad. That black guard!!
Friend 3: That f*****g ba****d!!!!
Me: Hey!! Stop right there! How do you know that for sure???
Friend 1: What’s wrong with you? Did you not hear me saying that Rohan cheated on Anjana with Sheryl?
Me: What’s the proof?
Friends: *collective gasp of horror*
My friends tried every trick in the girly book to make me see sense.
Friend 1 (kindly): Listen Anju, just a year ago you had no problem in putting two and two together …
Friend 2: …and coming up with 22!!
Friend 3: And sometimes 222!
Friend 4: And sometimes…
Me (hastily): I get the picture!
Friend 1: Why are you insisting on 4 now, for god sakes!!!! What’s happened to you?
Me: I guess I have finally got my Math right hmmm?
Friends: *thwack!!!!*
Me: *******
Even the ladies in the family were getting worried. Instead of getting ready for the marriage racket err marriage market, I beg your pardon, I meant marriage, I was instead getting ready to attain Nirvana!! With Sr. Alphonsa attaining Sainthood there was no need for another saint in the district was the united verdict. The concerned aunts decided that I needed to be retrained in the art of womanliness.
Aunt one: Mole, a girl is regarded as a girl only if she has some feminine guile.
Me: How do you know that?
Aunt one: err I just know… besides your Uncle also agrees. Now listen to me mole, a woman should indulge in some healthy amount of gossip you know to keep her feminity intact!
Aunt two (earnestly): Very true!! Susan is right. Even my husband says that he loves it when I gossip *giggle*
Me (under my breath): That’s because he is a bloody woman!
Aunt three (triumphantly): Exactly!! It is womanly to gossip mole!!!
Aunt two (earnestly): As long as it is healthy gossip!
Me: How will I know if it is healthy gossip or not!
Aunt one: Ente karthave!*
Aunt two: Ente daivame!*
Aunt three: Ente maadhave!*
The following week when my aunts were conducting a Prayer Meeting for my soul, I had this conversation with an elderly Ammachi who was sitting in the verandah saying Rosary!
Me: Ammachi, what is happening to me? I don’t believe in hearsay anymore!
Ammachi: Mmm you are growing up my child!
Me: Err what about my aunts? They are older than me and still gossip!
Ammachi (eyebrows arched): You call them grown up?
Me (gloomily): It is so manly not to gossip they say!
Ammachi: %$@& who told you that!!! Their men are worse than them!!!!
Me (brightening up): *whew* I thought I had it. This was the end of the road for me.
Ammachi (sarcastically): Koche! Wearing pants or saree doesn’t make you a man or a woman. It is what is inside that makes you what you are! Understood? *wonk* wonk* Damn it I cannot even wink anymore...sigh!
Me: ewwww!
I am now pursuing a refresher course in ‘Appreciating Gossip’! Tips and tricks welcome. Please donate generously!
*OMG!
My friends despaired. Conversations with me were becoming difficult.
Friend 1: Did you hear that Rohan is cheating on Anjana!!
Me: Bullshit!!
Friend 2: Really???? Wow!!! Err… I mean how sad. That black guard!!
Friend 3: That f*****g ba****d!!!!
Me: Hey!! Stop right there! How do you know that for sure???
Friend 1: What’s wrong with you? Did you not hear me saying that Rohan cheated on Anjana with Sheryl?
Me: What’s the proof?
Friends: *collective gasp of horror*
My friends tried every trick in the girly book to make me see sense.
Friend 1 (kindly): Listen Anju, just a year ago you had no problem in putting two and two together …
Friend 2: …and coming up with 22!!
Friend 3: And sometimes 222!
Friend 4: And sometimes…
Me (hastily): I get the picture!
Friend 1: Why are you insisting on 4 now, for god sakes!!!! What’s happened to you?
Me: I guess I have finally got my Math right hmmm?
Friends: *thwack!!!!*
Me: *******
Even the ladies in the family were getting worried. Instead of getting ready for the marriage racket err marriage market, I beg your pardon, I meant marriage, I was instead getting ready to attain Nirvana!! With Sr. Alphonsa attaining Sainthood there was no need for another saint in the district was the united verdict. The concerned aunts decided that I needed to be retrained in the art of womanliness.
Aunt one: Mole, a girl is regarded as a girl only if she has some feminine guile.
Me: How do you know that?
Aunt one: err I just know… besides your Uncle also agrees. Now listen to me mole, a woman should indulge in some healthy amount of gossip you know to keep her feminity intact!
Aunt two (earnestly): Very true!! Susan is right. Even my husband says that he loves it when I gossip *giggle*
Me (under my breath): That’s because he is a bloody woman!
Aunt three (triumphantly): Exactly!! It is womanly to gossip mole!!!
Aunt two (earnestly): As long as it is healthy gossip!
Me: How will I know if it is healthy gossip or not!
Aunt one: Ente karthave!*
Aunt two: Ente daivame!*
Aunt three: Ente maadhave!*
The following week when my aunts were conducting a Prayer Meeting for my soul, I had this conversation with an elderly Ammachi who was sitting in the verandah saying Rosary!
Me: Ammachi, what is happening to me? I don’t believe in hearsay anymore!
Ammachi: Mmm you are growing up my child!
Me: Err what about my aunts? They are older than me and still gossip!
Ammachi (eyebrows arched): You call them grown up?
Me (gloomily): It is so manly not to gossip they say!
Ammachi: %$@& who told you that!!! Their men are worse than them!!!!
Me (brightening up): *whew* I thought I had it. This was the end of the road for me.
Ammachi (sarcastically): Koche! Wearing pants or saree doesn’t make you a man or a woman. It is what is inside that makes you what you are! Understood? *wonk* wonk* Damn it I cannot even wink anymore...sigh!
Me: ewwww!
I am now pursuing a refresher course in ‘Appreciating Gossip’! Tips and tricks welcome. Please donate generously!
*OMG!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
A gender bender
I had this conversation with a Punju colleague on Friday.
He: I like girls who swear!
Me: Really?
He: Yes!!! Girls who do not swear are so sissy and so so...(he fumbled for a suitable word)
Me (sarcastically): So girly?
He (triumphantly): Yes!!!!!
Me: OMG!!
He (smirking): heh heh
Me (piling on the sarcasm): I guess you would like a lil bit of mustache and a 5 'o' clock stubble on your girl too yeah?
He (thinking deeply): Hmmm...
Me (getting up hastily): err...never mind!
He tried calling me several times but rising nausea prevented me from taking the call. I am dreading Monday. Maybe I will wear a burqah to office to avoid detection.
Note to self: Never end a conversation with a rhetorical question. Some people do not know the meaning of a rhetorical question. Ditto with 'sarcasm.' Sigh!
He: I like girls who swear!
Me: Really?
He: Yes!!! Girls who do not swear are so sissy and so so...(he fumbled for a suitable word)
Me (sarcastically): So girly?
He (triumphantly): Yes!!!!!
Me: OMG!!
He (smirking): heh heh
Me (piling on the sarcasm): I guess you would like a lil bit of mustache and a 5 'o' clock stubble on your girl too yeah?
He (thinking deeply): Hmmm...
Me (getting up hastily): err...never mind!
He tried calling me several times but rising nausea prevented me from taking the call. I am dreading Monday. Maybe I will wear a burqah to office to avoid detection.
Note to self: Never end a conversation with a rhetorical question. Some people do not know the meaning of a rhetorical question. Ditto with 'sarcasm.' Sigh!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
The rise, fall and rise from grace!
"You are so pretty Anjali..." said my 4 year old nephew looking at me with adoration in his eyes.
"Why thank you sweets!!!" I said blushing a little, absolutely blown off my feet!
"...just like Srikrishnan" he finished!
The fall from grace was sudden...and very painful. The resounding *THUD* echoed through the house. I was devastated.
Srikrishanan is the ugly old, wizened, rheumy eyed gardener in his house. *sob*
His parents hastened to explain that he absolutely adores Srikrishnan and this was his way of paying me the ultimate compliment.
I am recovering from the fall now...slowly. My ego was terribly hurt though and is in critical condition and battling for life. Something tells me it wont make it through the night! My self esteem is already dead!
R.I.P my Self Esteem.
Happy New Year folks! This is my 250th post. Dedicating it to my nephew Noel! :)
"Why thank you sweets!!!" I said blushing a little, absolutely blown off my feet!
"...just like Srikrishnan" he finished!
The fall from grace was sudden...and very painful. The resounding *THUD* echoed through the house. I was devastated.
Srikrishanan is the ugly old, wizened, rheumy eyed gardener in his house. *sob*
His parents hastened to explain that he absolutely adores Srikrishnan and this was his way of paying me the ultimate compliment.
I am recovering from the fall now...slowly. My ego was terribly hurt though and is in critical condition and battling for life. Something tells me it wont make it through the night! My self esteem is already dead!
R.I.P my Self Esteem.
Happy New Year folks! This is my 250th post. Dedicating it to my nephew Noel! :)
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Chikka Technology-ooru!
Vice President Hamid Ansari recently declared Bang-a-thalai-ooru the "Nano city of India."
Soon after the announcement, the state government rebuilt the roads. The citizens of Bang-a-thalai-ooru (Bang-the-head-town a.k.a Bangalore) rejoiced!
On the second day of the announcement, the government hastily re-laid the roads when they realized that they had completely missed the old roads while relaying the new coat. The citizens of Bang-a-thalai-ooru rejoiced.
On the third day of the announcement, the BWSSB dug up the new roads. The citizens of Bang-a-thalai-ooru gnashed their teeth in despair.
On the fourth day of the announcement, the roads developed potholes. The wails of the citizenry rend the air.
On the fifth day of the announcement, the government wondered what Nano Technology was all about.
On the sixth day of the announcement, the bureaucrat who drafted the announcement was thrown out.
On the seventh day of the announcement, the government stopped all infrastructure repair work and took rest.
According to a Press Release released late that evening, the government was under the impressions that the Vice President had declared Karnataka a ‘Nano Car State.’ Speaking at the Press Conference a government spokesperson said "Gee…that VP's statement had all of us fooled ha ha ha!"
The citizens of Bang-a-thalai-ooru ...never mind the citizens of Bang-a-thalai-ooru!
('Chikka' in Kannada mean 'small' or 'Nano'! 'Ooru' means town or village)
Soon after the announcement, the state government rebuilt the roads. The citizens of Bang-a-thalai-ooru (Bang-the-head-town a.k.a Bangalore) rejoiced!
On the second day of the announcement, the government hastily re-laid the roads when they realized that they had completely missed the old roads while relaying the new coat. The citizens of Bang-a-thalai-ooru rejoiced.
On the third day of the announcement, the BWSSB dug up the new roads. The citizens of Bang-a-thalai-ooru gnashed their teeth in despair.
On the fourth day of the announcement, the roads developed potholes. The wails of the citizenry rend the air.
On the fifth day of the announcement, the government wondered what Nano Technology was all about.
On the sixth day of the announcement, the bureaucrat who drafted the announcement was thrown out.
On the seventh day of the announcement, the government stopped all infrastructure repair work and took rest.
According to a Press Release released late that evening, the government was under the impressions that the Vice President had declared Karnataka a ‘Nano Car State.’ Speaking at the Press Conference a government spokesperson said "Gee…that VP's statement had all of us fooled ha ha ha!"
The citizens of Bang-a-thalai-ooru ...never mind the citizens of Bang-a-thalai-ooru!
('Chikka' in Kannada mean 'small' or 'Nano'! 'Ooru' means town or village)
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The ol' Tree House
Ze fine print: is not working as Blogger refuses to go into compose mode! So I am absolved muahahahaa! Offers to teach me HTML are hereby refused.
Reading about the Taj Mahal Hotel and the significance of some buildings to people, I am reminded of an edifice that is as venerable and as beloved to me and my friends, as the Taj Mahal Hotel is to the rich and famous err I mean ordinary Indians. The edifice that I am talking about is the Tree House our Dad fashioned out of a plywood carton for us when we were small. It has given me and my friends’ hours of cramped pleasure and played host to several of our tea parties, snack-ins, sulk-ins, cry-ins, sleep-ins, sneak-ins to read comics etc etc. The building has lost some of its former glory…correction, most of its former glory actually….okay to be completely truthful it has lost all its glory and plywood to the ravages of time and a determined little girl and her friends and several attempts by my ammachi to pull it down and take it to Kerala to serve as a kozhikoodu (chicken coup).
All that is left of the structure is a few planks that were the floor at one time and a few planks that made up the walls and the roof. I have some lovely memories attached to the tree house. My dogs have some horrible err nice memories attached to the tree house. I remember how my doggies would cringe the moment I said ‘tree house’ and would run away and hide. It gave me great pleasure to chase them and drag them out of their hiding places and haul them up whining, to the tree house. Those were the days…sigh.
There was this time that a bunch of honey bees took over the tree house. My Dad announced that we could not use the tree house till the present tenants had vacated. This made me mad and my second bro M madder. This meant that me and my friends would come in the way of his silly games instead of sitting safely out of earshot in the tree house. So he and his friends decided to smoke out the bees like they had seen the local bee keepers do. They piled up some dry twigs and grass and stuff under the tree house and set it on fire. The entire house burnt down. But the tree house and its occupants remained unfazed. Later in the day, as my parents collected what they could from the charred remains of the house, he i.e my brother was heard remarking to his friend that they should have considered wind direction before lighting the fire. His friends reply was lost in the wind as he fled at top speed with my enraged Dad in hot pursuit.
The tree house was fashioned out of the plywood carton that housed the washing machine my Dad had bought down from the Middle East. It was a roomy carton you know, the type that can house a washing machine, a fridge, a car, six double cots, three televisions, a dining table set, a sofa set, several wall to wall cupboards, two blenders, several tonnes of books, crockery, furnishings and a huge barbecue set and still look like it was carrying only a Washing Machine. The Customs never suspected a thing and waved my Dad on. We furnished an entire house when it was unpacked and even now, there are chances that you may find a Two in One or a Rotisserie Grill or a Casio if you look carefully in between the plywood boards. The other day my little cousin brother found a toaster. It was still in good condition and working. We shook our heads in amazement and promptly threw it in the dustbin.
After the evacuation of the carton which took roughly two months and six pairs of hired hands, the carpenter resized the sides, redid the floor with sturdier wood and added a roof to make it look like a house. The door on each side was a gap made by removing a couple of planks of plywood and viola…our tree house was ready. The tree house was housed on the forking branches of a horribly deformed Banyan tree that grew in every possible direction but up, leaving us with lots of low hanging sit-able branches. It could seat four little girls and two dogs at a time. Guests sat on the branches and depending on who were very nice to me, they would actually get an invite to sit inside the tree house. We had lots of doll parties there and later as we grew older we simply sat around on the branches and talked about the latest fashion, guys, expensive cosmetics, guys, orthodox parents, guys, designer shoes, guys, strict Nuns, guys, tough exams, guys, stupid teacher, guys and so on.
Those were wonderful days and the tree house reminds me of carefree times when our greatest worry was a honeybee attack and an AK 47 was a couple of alphabets and numerals. Pakistan was the nation to the upper left of India not to be confused with Iran a nation we were told we would not be studying due to lack of time to finish the Geography portions. We heaved a sigh of relief. That was one capital, one flag, many crops, many more minerals, several industries, types of agricultural produce, major ports and cities, GNP, type of government, national religion, language and sport…less to cram. Whew!! Besides we did not have to by heart the names of its neighbors too. Whatay relief!!!!
Today the Tree House is a remnant of its old self. Its splintering edifice is hidden by the overgrowth. The banyan tree has since learnt that it is a tree and not a creeper and has grown in stature and girth. The sit-able branches are now not so sit-table unless we hire a really tall ladder and an exterminator to rid the tree of its entire insect eco system. According to the gardener it looks like a bhoot bangla on a Banyan tree. He finds that mighty funny and cracks up every time the old plywood of the tree house creaks in the wind! The maid in the house thinks it is not a good omen to keep a Tree House on a Banyan tree. According to her no self respecting ghost will like to be seen alive in it. I have since hammered a couple of more nails to ensure that it stays on the tree. My bedroom overlooks the Banyan tree you see. Besides you do not want any peeping tom-ghosts peering through your window do you? brrr
The other day an incident made us decide that the tree house remains no matter what the neighbor or the maid or the gardener says. It so happened that my Dad’s old enemy, the forest department wallah came a visiting to check on the trees in the house. He drops in randomly whenever he feels like irritating my Dad.
Now if you are wondering what the Forest Dept (FD) has to do with our trees, think again. Every tree you plant outside or close to your premises it automatically becomes the property of the FD. It doesn’t matter if they cannot distinguish a Jackfruit tree from a lamp post. It is still theirs! I suspect they wait till you have bought the seedling, planted it, watered it, fought off pests and tree disease, firewood gatherers, tree robbers etc etc and then, sneak up behind the bushes where I guess they were hiding and watching, and plant a seal on the tree and say “Viola the tree is now OURS hah!!!” And right after that you live in mortal fear. You inspect the tree every day. If it shows any sign of dying, you pack up your bags and migrate, cos the FD is gonna get you and put you in the slammer for damaging a tree that is protected under the rule 456, section C, sub section 1A on page 4567899234 of “The Karnataka Forest Department Rule Book”. (The 900th Edition of the book is on the way with reportedly 5567899234 pages covering the Jackfruit tree alone.)
Now my dad and the FD have a love hate relationship spanning a few decades, several litigations and notices, suites and counter suites.
Court Clerk: Mr P you are hereby directed to appear before the Lower Magistrate for cutting down a Tectona grandis.
Dad: Tectona grandis? What on earth is that!!!
Clerk: A Teak tree!
Dad: But I don’t have a Teak tree!!
Clerk: Oops then I think it must be a Santalum album!
Dad: And what on earth is that!
Clerk: Sandalwood tree
Dad: I don’t have that either!
Clerk: hmm how about Punica granatum, Pomegranate?
Dad: No!
Clerk: Saraca asoca, Ashoka tree?
Dad: #$!%@&*%!!!
Clerk: Okay okay I am going!! Some people are so crabby! Tch tch
Now as the Forest Department wallah walked around inspecting the trees with a I-am-gonna-get-you-air, the old tree house creaked. Forest Department wallah turned a few shades grey and nearly jumped out of his skin. It was late evening you see. The wind blew again and this time good old tree house let out an even longer creak! Forest Department wallah suddenly remembered that he had something urgent to do and scooted out of the house at top speed. He was never seen again.
Nowadays the FD minions skip our house in their rounds. They are definitely not coming to a house with a creepy and creaking Banyan tree that rumor has it is infested with ghosts (origin of rumor err not known). Even a die hard Forest Department wallah will not go near a tree infested with ghosts. The government isn’t paying him enough to do that you see. Suffice to say that peace has returned to our front yard, back yard and other places where we have planted trees. And all because of our good ol Tree House!
Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year 2009!!
Reading about the Taj Mahal Hotel and the significance of some buildings to people, I am reminded of an edifice that is as venerable and as beloved to me and my friends, as the Taj Mahal Hotel is to the rich and famous err I mean ordinary Indians. The edifice that I am talking about is the Tree House our Dad fashioned out of a plywood carton for us when we were small. It has given me and my friends’ hours of cramped pleasure and played host to several of our tea parties, snack-ins, sulk-ins, cry-ins, sleep-ins, sneak-ins to read comics etc etc. The building has lost some of its former glory…correction, most of its former glory actually….okay to be completely truthful it has lost all its glory and plywood to the ravages of time and a determined little girl and her friends and several attempts by my ammachi to pull it down and take it to Kerala to serve as a kozhikoodu (chicken coup).
All that is left of the structure is a few planks that were the floor at one time and a few planks that made up the walls and the roof. I have some lovely memories attached to the tree house. My dogs have some horrible err nice memories attached to the tree house. I remember how my doggies would cringe the moment I said ‘tree house’ and would run away and hide. It gave me great pleasure to chase them and drag them out of their hiding places and haul them up whining, to the tree house. Those were the days…sigh.
There was this time that a bunch of honey bees took over the tree house. My Dad announced that we could not use the tree house till the present tenants had vacated. This made me mad and my second bro M madder. This meant that me and my friends would come in the way of his silly games instead of sitting safely out of earshot in the tree house. So he and his friends decided to smoke out the bees like they had seen the local bee keepers do. They piled up some dry twigs and grass and stuff under the tree house and set it on fire. The entire house burnt down. But the tree house and its occupants remained unfazed. Later in the day, as my parents collected what they could from the charred remains of the house, he i.e my brother was heard remarking to his friend that they should have considered wind direction before lighting the fire. His friends reply was lost in the wind as he fled at top speed with my enraged Dad in hot pursuit.
The tree house was fashioned out of the plywood carton that housed the washing machine my Dad had bought down from the Middle East. It was a roomy carton you know, the type that can house a washing machine, a fridge, a car, six double cots, three televisions, a dining table set, a sofa set, several wall to wall cupboards, two blenders, several tonnes of books, crockery, furnishings and a huge barbecue set and still look like it was carrying only a Washing Machine. The Customs never suspected a thing and waved my Dad on. We furnished an entire house when it was unpacked and even now, there are chances that you may find a Two in One or a Rotisserie Grill or a Casio if you look carefully in between the plywood boards. The other day my little cousin brother found a toaster. It was still in good condition and working. We shook our heads in amazement and promptly threw it in the dustbin.
After the evacuation of the carton which took roughly two months and six pairs of hired hands, the carpenter resized the sides, redid the floor with sturdier wood and added a roof to make it look like a house. The door on each side was a gap made by removing a couple of planks of plywood and viola…our tree house was ready. The tree house was housed on the forking branches of a horribly deformed Banyan tree that grew in every possible direction but up, leaving us with lots of low hanging sit-able branches. It could seat four little girls and two dogs at a time. Guests sat on the branches and depending on who were very nice to me, they would actually get an invite to sit inside the tree house. We had lots of doll parties there and later as we grew older we simply sat around on the branches and talked about the latest fashion, guys, expensive cosmetics, guys, orthodox parents, guys, designer shoes, guys, strict Nuns, guys, tough exams, guys, stupid teacher, guys and so on.
Those were wonderful days and the tree house reminds me of carefree times when our greatest worry was a honeybee attack and an AK 47 was a couple of alphabets and numerals. Pakistan was the nation to the upper left of India not to be confused with Iran a nation we were told we would not be studying due to lack of time to finish the Geography portions. We heaved a sigh of relief. That was one capital, one flag, many crops, many more minerals, several industries, types of agricultural produce, major ports and cities, GNP, type of government, national religion, language and sport…less to cram. Whew!! Besides we did not have to by heart the names of its neighbors too. Whatay relief!!!!
Today the Tree House is a remnant of its old self. Its splintering edifice is hidden by the overgrowth. The banyan tree has since learnt that it is a tree and not a creeper and has grown in stature and girth. The sit-able branches are now not so sit-table unless we hire a really tall ladder and an exterminator to rid the tree of its entire insect eco system. According to the gardener it looks like a bhoot bangla on a Banyan tree. He finds that mighty funny and cracks up every time the old plywood of the tree house creaks in the wind! The maid in the house thinks it is not a good omen to keep a Tree House on a Banyan tree. According to her no self respecting ghost will like to be seen alive in it. I have since hammered a couple of more nails to ensure that it stays on the tree. My bedroom overlooks the Banyan tree you see. Besides you do not want any peeping tom-ghosts peering through your window do you? brrr
The other day an incident made us decide that the tree house remains no matter what the neighbor or the maid or the gardener says. It so happened that my Dad’s old enemy, the forest department wallah came a visiting to check on the trees in the house. He drops in randomly whenever he feels like irritating my Dad.
Now if you are wondering what the Forest Dept (FD) has to do with our trees, think again. Every tree you plant outside or close to your premises it automatically becomes the property of the FD. It doesn’t matter if they cannot distinguish a Jackfruit tree from a lamp post. It is still theirs! I suspect they wait till you have bought the seedling, planted it, watered it, fought off pests and tree disease, firewood gatherers, tree robbers etc etc and then, sneak up behind the bushes where I guess they were hiding and watching, and plant a seal on the tree and say “Viola the tree is now OURS hah!!!” And right after that you live in mortal fear. You inspect the tree every day. If it shows any sign of dying, you pack up your bags and migrate, cos the FD is gonna get you and put you in the slammer for damaging a tree that is protected under the rule 456, section C, sub section 1A on page 4567899234 of “The Karnataka Forest Department Rule Book”. (The 900th Edition of the book is on the way with reportedly 5567899234 pages covering the Jackfruit tree alone.)
Now my dad and the FD have a love hate relationship spanning a few decades, several litigations and notices, suites and counter suites.
Court Clerk: Mr P you are hereby directed to appear before the Lower Magistrate for cutting down a Tectona grandis.
Dad: Tectona grandis? What on earth is that!!!
Clerk: A Teak tree!
Dad: But I don’t have a Teak tree!!
Clerk: Oops then I think it must be a Santalum album!
Dad: And what on earth is that!
Clerk: Sandalwood tree
Dad: I don’t have that either!
Clerk: hmm how about Punica granatum, Pomegranate?
Dad: No!
Clerk: Saraca asoca, Ashoka tree?
Dad: #$!%@&*%!!!
Clerk: Okay okay I am going!! Some people are so crabby! Tch tch
Now as the Forest Department wallah walked around inspecting the trees with a I-am-gonna-get-you-air, the old tree house creaked. Forest Department wallah turned a few shades grey and nearly jumped out of his skin. It was late evening you see. The wind blew again and this time good old tree house let out an even longer creak! Forest Department wallah suddenly remembered that he had something urgent to do and scooted out of the house at top speed. He was never seen again.
Nowadays the FD minions skip our house in their rounds. They are definitely not coming to a house with a creepy and creaking Banyan tree that rumor has it is infested with ghosts (origin of rumor err not known). Even a die hard Forest Department wallah will not go near a tree infested with ghosts. The government isn’t paying him enough to do that you see. Suffice to say that peace has returned to our front yard, back yard and other places where we have planted trees. And all because of our good ol Tree House!
Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year 2009!!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
You got to be kidding Chef!!!
I chanced upon a cookery show the other day when I was channel surfing. Last weeks episode was titled 'Getting Your Child to Eat Veggies". It looked like another one of those programs for mommies with small kids, so I decided to change the channel. As I was about to switch to the News channel, I saw an incredible sight! The program hostess was giving a brief glimpse of some mouth watering veggie preparations that the Chef was going to show and I was tempted to watch the rest of the show. It was not a show on baby food mind you. But regular vegetarian preparation, with an eye on the fussy kids’ palate to entice them to eat veggies. I looked at my kids…my three doggies and decided not to try it on them. Either they would walk out on me or push me out of the house.
The first preparation was a starter. The Chef took a couple of slices of bread, beamed at the camera and trimmed the sides off with a flourish. Next he took some tomato ketchup and drew eyes, a nose and a smiley on the bread slice with the ketchup. Then he drizzled some canned corn above the eyes to make it look like golden tresses. Next he arranged the decorated bread on a nice kiddie plate and viola the most delicious, healthy and nutritious yet revolting snack was ready to spit out...err eat!!
The audience clapped and I gave the Chef's wife a standing ovation for tactfully throwing hubbies preparation into the dustbin and feeding the kids some healthy Samosas and Chips and Sauce as starters. The man beamed as the hostess of the show showed off the creation in front of the camera, gushing over the color, content and sheer creative genius of the recipe. She urged moms watching the show to make the dish right away and give it to their kids asap. I could imagine the scene at some homes across the country.
Mom: Kids come and see what I have made for you.
Kids: What is it ma?
Mom: I have made a delicious smiley face on a slice on bread with tinned corn!!!
Kids: *barf*
The next item on the Chef’s list was the main course. The Chef was of the opinion that kids were fed up of the usual diet of Roti and Dal and Rice. He showed a simple yet delicious and nutrient packed ‘Kaathi Roll’ for the kids that he claimed they would enjoy eating without a fuss.
With a flourish the Chef laid out a Chapathi on a plate. Next he doused it in tomato ketchup. He then laid some lettuce leaves over the ketchup and sprinkled it with toasted Paneer cubes and chopped Capsicum. He finished the whole preparation with a drizzling of lemon juice and coriander leaf and when I was back after throwing up, he rolled the Chapati into a roll and pinned it with a Mickey Mouse tooth pick. Delicious, nutritious, lip smacking ‘Kaathi Roll with Summer Salad’ was ready to throw into the nearest dust bin err I mean eat!!!!
I could visualize kids all over the country packing up their bags and leaving homes by the dozen. Since we do not have Milk cartons in India, Ice Cream boxes would now feature mug shots of kids gone missing from home and presumably hiding till mom stops making them healthy and nutritious food as shown on TV by this Chef.
Next on the menu was dessert! I watched with disbelief and nausea. The Chef made a ‘Bursting-with-Calcium and Goodness of Wheat Kheer’ that he said would be hard to resist for the kids and would be polished off within seconds!!! The recipe was simple. A cup of Dalia (broken wheat) that seems to be synonymous with "health food" in India, cooked in milk and sweetened with Jaggery (for health) seasoned with cardamom powder and garnished with cherries *ugh*. The concoction was served in dessert bowls and a tube of jam was used to draw smiley faces over the concoction and viola…delicious ‘Milky Wheat Delight’ was ready!!! According to the Chef each serving had enough calcium and potassium and Vitamin A to Z to persuade the runaway kids to come back home.
The entire gruesome buffet was shown in the end in case there were viewers who were yet to puke and or finding it difficult to puke. I pitied the kids and thanked my lucky stars that cookery shows for kids were unheard of when I was a kid. My mother’s idea of a kiddie treat was chips and cola and other stuff that we gulped down with amazing efficiency. And by the time she was wiser, we had learned to eat these on the sly or lie that we never touched them at school and that we spent our pocket money on actual food.
Notice: If any kid between the age of two and twelve is reading this post please don’t return home till next week. The Chef is showing "Healthy and Tasty Tiffin Treats" this week!
Healthy Tiffin? For gods sakes is there nothing sacred left on this earth anymore??!?!?! *sob*
The first preparation was a starter. The Chef took a couple of slices of bread, beamed at the camera and trimmed the sides off with a flourish. Next he took some tomato ketchup and drew eyes, a nose and a smiley on the bread slice with the ketchup. Then he drizzled some canned corn above the eyes to make it look like golden tresses. Next he arranged the decorated bread on a nice kiddie plate and viola the most delicious, healthy and nutritious yet revolting snack was ready to spit out...err eat!!
The audience clapped and I gave the Chef's wife a standing ovation for tactfully throwing hubbies preparation into the dustbin and feeding the kids some healthy Samosas and Chips and Sauce as starters. The man beamed as the hostess of the show showed off the creation in front of the camera, gushing over the color, content and sheer creative genius of the recipe. She urged moms watching the show to make the dish right away and give it to their kids asap. I could imagine the scene at some homes across the country.
Mom: Kids come and see what I have made for you.
Kids: What is it ma?
Mom: I have made a delicious smiley face on a slice on bread with tinned corn!!!
Kids: *barf*
The next item on the Chef’s list was the main course. The Chef was of the opinion that kids were fed up of the usual diet of Roti and Dal and Rice. He showed a simple yet delicious and nutrient packed ‘Kaathi Roll’ for the kids that he claimed they would enjoy eating without a fuss.
With a flourish the Chef laid out a Chapathi on a plate. Next he doused it in tomato ketchup. He then laid some lettuce leaves over the ketchup and sprinkled it with toasted Paneer cubes and chopped Capsicum. He finished the whole preparation with a drizzling of lemon juice and coriander leaf and when I was back after throwing up, he rolled the Chapati into a roll and pinned it with a Mickey Mouse tooth pick. Delicious, nutritious, lip smacking ‘Kaathi Roll with Summer Salad’ was ready to throw into the nearest dust bin err I mean eat!!!!
I could visualize kids all over the country packing up their bags and leaving homes by the dozen. Since we do not have Milk cartons in India, Ice Cream boxes would now feature mug shots of kids gone missing from home and presumably hiding till mom stops making them healthy and nutritious food as shown on TV by this Chef.
Next on the menu was dessert! I watched with disbelief and nausea. The Chef made a ‘Bursting-with-Calcium and Goodness of Wheat Kheer’ that he said would be hard to resist for the kids and would be polished off within seconds!!! The recipe was simple. A cup of Dalia (broken wheat) that seems to be synonymous with "health food" in India, cooked in milk and sweetened with Jaggery (for health) seasoned with cardamom powder and garnished with cherries *ugh*. The concoction was served in dessert bowls and a tube of jam was used to draw smiley faces over the concoction and viola…delicious ‘Milky Wheat Delight’ was ready!!! According to the Chef each serving had enough calcium and potassium and Vitamin A to Z to persuade the runaway kids to come back home.
The entire gruesome buffet was shown in the end in case there were viewers who were yet to puke and or finding it difficult to puke. I pitied the kids and thanked my lucky stars that cookery shows for kids were unheard of when I was a kid. My mother’s idea of a kiddie treat was chips and cola and other stuff that we gulped down with amazing efficiency. And by the time she was wiser, we had learned to eat these on the sly or lie that we never touched them at school and that we spent our pocket money on actual food.
Notice: If any kid between the age of two and twelve is reading this post please don’t return home till next week. The Chef is showing "Healthy and Tasty Tiffin Treats" this week!
Healthy Tiffin? For gods sakes is there nothing sacred left on this earth anymore??!?!?! *sob*
Peace
Image courtesy CorbisGod bless the people who lost their loved ones in the Mumbai carnage. And God bless those who laid down their lives for us. And God bless us all specially so that we do not let their sacrifice go in vain...by ensuring that this does not happen again. May peace reign over our land and in the region. Amen!
Jai Hind
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Shopping with the enemy and winning
Before all the girls here gasp and faint, let me explain. I DID NOT GO SHOPPING WITH MY AMMA. It just err… happened! Yeah I know, shopping with your mother is not what you do unless you are a toddler or bound and gagged and taken under gun point or taken leave of your sense or all three. But this sort of happened…honestly!!
So here we were the other day, mother and daughter, walking innocently by Life and Style Inc when the lady remembered that she needed to buy new furnishings for Christmas. And since we were passing by the Mall, and I needed to buy approximately 116784 gifts for Christmas (6578 on Dad’s side of the family alone), I agreed to go in with her. I learned a few useful things in furnishings shopping that day…namely:
1. I hope to God I NEVER have to go shopping for furnishings.
2. I admire women who have shopped for their new homes. I would pass out after the Kitchen collection.
3. I am buying a furnished house when I need to refurnish my house!
4. I cannot believe people go shopping for room after room of furnishings
5. My mother is a like a woman possessed while shopping and no force on Earth, not even a fish sale will pull her out of the shop till she is finished.
6. Her daughter is just the opposite.
7. Me and mom and very unlike.
8. I pity my dad
9. Henceforth I will be nicer to him for putting up with my ma all these years.
10. I will never go shopping with my mother again!
We entered the Home section of the Mall at exactly 10 am and were out in the record breaking time of 6 pm. This is a record by my mother’s standards and as she modestly told gawping onlookers at the award ceremony later on in the day “It was because of my daughter that I was able to achieve this feat. Else I would never have left the store till 6 pm the next day”. My father had tears in his eyes a lump in his throat and huge hole in his pocket as he watched his wife blushingly acknowledge the standing ovation of my two brothers, an uncle and aunt and several cousin brothers hanging around the house as “it is not polite to eat and leave so early.” After which he pinched himself to ensure that he was not dreaming. Then he broke into tears and sobbed uncontrollably. Then the wife lovingly passed him the bill and he passed out.
The daughter took home the prize for Creative Direction, Screenplay, Stunt Coordination and Special Effects. Stung by the feat, Life and Style Inc has expanded their Home Furnishing Section by an additional 20, 000 sq feet. Speaking to reporters, the Managing Director, Home Furnishings Department Ms Matresswala said “pffftttt”
Rumor has it that they plan to cancel the Gold Circle Card of a certain Miss Philip. Mrs Philips card however has been upgraded with stiffer reward points to ensure that she doesn’t leave the store till the mandatory period of 72 hours or Rs XXX in purchases whichever comes first. Mr Philip is not welcome at the store. His Credit card will however be acknowledged at all Life and Style Inc outlets, according to a Press Release.
When queried by eager fans, the daughter acknowledged that she was able to pull off this near impossible feat by some quick thinking, helluva lot of sleeping on the beds on display and some reclining on the imported recliners, also on display.
An example of quick thinking that day.
Mom: What do you think of this bedspread with elephant patchwork?
Me: Absolutely stunning ma. Beautiful!! Let’s pay and go home!
Mom: I am glad you liked it. Now let me show you the others I have shortlisted!
Me: Others? :-S
Mom: Yes. There are another 450 or so that I have shortlisted.
Me: *groan*
Ok….that was a bad example. Pliss ignore. But I learned quickly and did better in the subsequent rounds as shown in the following examples.
Example no 1:
Mom: What do you think of this bedspread with elephant patchwork?
Me: hmmm it is fine but I think a darker shade would look better.
Mom: You are right!!! How about this one?
Me: Perfect!!!
Mom: It’s settled then!
Example no 2:
Mom: And how about this ruffled country style curtains?
Me (quickly scanning the catalog): hmmm personally I feel that we should go for easy-care polyester.
Mom: You are right! Cotton would not be so easy to maintain.
Me: You are right ma!
Mom: It is settled then.
The key you see folks is acting like you are actually participating in the decision making while you are actually hastening the decision making process heh heh Pleased with my contribution, my mom paid for the Pure Poison I picked up and looked at so wistfully sighing loudly several times. When my father came around from the faint, my mom explained that next time when her daughter looks on wistfully at something, she will hit her on the head with the shopping bag. The father plans to pay for the perfume priced at Rs 5000/- for 50 ml from the daughter’s dowry fund.
We are officially bankrupt now. But the house looks so lovely for Christmas! Sigh.
So here we were the other day, mother and daughter, walking innocently by Life and Style Inc when the lady remembered that she needed to buy new furnishings for Christmas. And since we were passing by the Mall, and I needed to buy approximately 116784 gifts for Christmas (6578 on Dad’s side of the family alone), I agreed to go in with her. I learned a few useful things in furnishings shopping that day…namely:
1. I hope to God I NEVER have to go shopping for furnishings.
2. I admire women who have shopped for their new homes. I would pass out after the Kitchen collection.
3. I am buying a furnished house when I need to refurnish my house!
4. I cannot believe people go shopping for room after room of furnishings
5. My mother is a like a woman possessed while shopping and no force on Earth, not even a fish sale will pull her out of the shop till she is finished.
6. Her daughter is just the opposite.
7. Me and mom and very unlike.
8. I pity my dad
9. Henceforth I will be nicer to him for putting up with my ma all these years.
10. I will never go shopping with my mother again!
We entered the Home section of the Mall at exactly 10 am and were out in the record breaking time of 6 pm. This is a record by my mother’s standards and as she modestly told gawping onlookers at the award ceremony later on in the day “It was because of my daughter that I was able to achieve this feat. Else I would never have left the store till 6 pm the next day”. My father had tears in his eyes a lump in his throat and huge hole in his pocket as he watched his wife blushingly acknowledge the standing ovation of my two brothers, an uncle and aunt and several cousin brothers hanging around the house as “it is not polite to eat and leave so early.” After which he pinched himself to ensure that he was not dreaming. Then he broke into tears and sobbed uncontrollably. Then the wife lovingly passed him the bill and he passed out.
The daughter took home the prize for Creative Direction, Screenplay, Stunt Coordination and Special Effects. Stung by the feat, Life and Style Inc has expanded their Home Furnishing Section by an additional 20, 000 sq feet. Speaking to reporters, the Managing Director, Home Furnishings Department Ms Matresswala said “pffftttt”
Rumor has it that they plan to cancel the Gold Circle Card of a certain Miss Philip. Mrs Philips card however has been upgraded with stiffer reward points to ensure that she doesn’t leave the store till the mandatory period of 72 hours or Rs XXX in purchases whichever comes first. Mr Philip is not welcome at the store. His Credit card will however be acknowledged at all Life and Style Inc outlets, according to a Press Release.
When queried by eager fans, the daughter acknowledged that she was able to pull off this near impossible feat by some quick thinking, helluva lot of sleeping on the beds on display and some reclining on the imported recliners, also on display.
An example of quick thinking that day.
Mom: What do you think of this bedspread with elephant patchwork?
Me: Absolutely stunning ma. Beautiful!! Let’s pay and go home!
Mom: I am glad you liked it. Now let me show you the others I have shortlisted!
Me: Others? :-S
Mom: Yes. There are another 450 or so that I have shortlisted.
Me: *groan*
Ok….that was a bad example. Pliss ignore. But I learned quickly and did better in the subsequent rounds as shown in the following examples.
Example no 1:
Mom: What do you think of this bedspread with elephant patchwork?
Me: hmmm it is fine but I think a darker shade would look better.
Mom: You are right!!! How about this one?
Me: Perfect!!!
Mom: It’s settled then!
Example no 2:
Mom: And how about this ruffled country style curtains?
Me (quickly scanning the catalog): hmmm personally I feel that we should go for easy-care polyester.
Mom: You are right! Cotton would not be so easy to maintain.
Me: You are right ma!
Mom: It is settled then.
The key you see folks is acting like you are actually participating in the decision making while you are actually hastening the decision making process heh heh Pleased with my contribution, my mom paid for the Pure Poison I picked up and looked at so wistfully sighing loudly several times. When my father came around from the faint, my mom explained that next time when her daughter looks on wistfully at something, she will hit her on the head with the shopping bag. The father plans to pay for the perfume priced at Rs 5000/- for 50 ml from the daughter’s dowry fund.
We are officially bankrupt now. But the house looks so lovely for Christmas! Sigh.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Wanted - A Quantum of Solace
I saw a Quantum of Solace over the weekend. If I were to condense the movie, it would go like this:
M: Is he alive?
James Bond: Yes!
M: Well, that is unusual!
THE END!
That in very brief was a brief on the new Bond movie "Quantum of Solace"
You can meat up the above dialog with high speed metal crushing car chases, bone crushing foot chases, muscles ripping scaffold chases and ear drum piercing Dolby Surround Sound system all ending in Bond killing someone and the nerve wrecking picture is complete. And when you walk out of the theater your nerves short circuited, your hair standing on one end, you will need more than a quantum of solace for sitting through ‘Quantum of Solace’.
I was amongst the privileged many to be invited to the premiere of “Quantum of Solace" in Bangalore last Friday! In fact the whole theater was filled with such 'privileged' people. As a token of our appreciation for the free passes, some of us stayed back after the ‘Interval’. To the ingrates who left after the interval (thoughtfully provided half an hour before the movie ends) I have only this to say: I HATE YOU ALL!
People, who intend to watch this movie, may please leave this blog immediately or you may end up spending your money constructively on pirated DVD. So read on at your own risk!! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
If you had a stressful week like I had, then “Quantum of Solace” is not for you. It's like having a brain surgery after a root canal procedure and then going in for a voluntary amputation of a limb!
In the very first scene of the movie, you are brutally shoved into a fast moving car hurtling on a narrow mountain road with fast moving vehicles approaching from the other direction. The traffic on this road will make Bangalore roads hang their potholed heads in shame! And the speed of the traffic will make the Bangalore traffic coppers look at each other and say “Mommmy”. After which they will resolve to be nicer to us and bribe us a little less.
The high octane chase ends in another hemisphere of the Earth, and we have Bond parking his battered car now bereft of doors, roof and chassis and engine and retrieving a captive from the boot of his car. The captive is in remarkable condition, considering he has been lying in the boot trussed up without a seat belt. A lesser mortal would have leaked out through the car in liquid form after the pulverizing!
While the captive is being interrogated by MI5, a different drama was being played out in another place…behind my seat. It was a more thrilling and sinister drama than the one on the screen.
Kid in back seat: Mujhe Popcorn chahiye!!
Kids mom: Abhi nahin Munna. Papa aane ke baad.
Munna: *bawl*
Papa to Mom: Why don’t you give him something else?
Me: Yeah right! How about a duct tape around his mouth?
Mom: *Glare*
Papa to the someone on the phone: Haanji aapka consignment nikal gaya hai!
Munna: Shriieeekkkkk!!!!!!!!!
While ‘Munna was Shrieking’ (which would be a nice name for a Bond movie name btw) there is mayhem in the interrogation room as the captive escapes with the help of a mole! Bond takes off at supersonic speed after the mole….on foot… breaking the world record in the 100 meter dash and a few limbs and lots of roof tiles in the process. He catches up with him… after running over several roofs and jumping from building to building and swinging across scaffoldings like a modern day Tarzan to shoot him dead while suspended from the ceiling from one leg. But before the bullet finds his heart, the mole had already passed away …from laughing his guts out at the sight!
After this we have Bond suddenly taking off to Haiti and killing another guy, chumma just like that! The tension in the story is broken by some humongous dialogs like this.
M: *mumble*
Bond: *hrmphfxl*
The audience consisting mostly of corporates (read: techies) who had come geared up (read: drunk) to whistle, clap and roar were left whistling, clapping and roaring to the Trailer of Gajini and Dostana. Quite disconcerting actually to see young men roaring as a hunky John Abraham emerged out of water Bond like, wearing nothing but an attitude!
Soon we were engrossed in another high speed boat chase that has the beautiful Camille, hanging on for dear life from a boat that seems to take off to the blue yonder every two seconds to come crashing on the baddies boat every three seconds. Remarkably, she too survives the bone crushing, spirit ejecting ride and Bond leaves her to attend a party in Austria. The party is boring (read: no major chases and kills) and soon we have Bond flying to someplace in Chili on a very old airplane held together by staplers and safety pins and glue. He gallantly ignores the private Lear Jet also on hire in the deserted Chilean desert. The plane owner immediately calls up the baddies and tells them of the mad man who hired his junk. They pass out laughing. Kidding! They send an F 16 to shoot down Bond and he evades them with the dexterity of a sluggish sloth trying to evade a sinewy Leopard (remember, old plane). The cat fight in the sky totally puzzles everyone and more than a dozen orders for F 16 planes are canceled around the world. Kidding again! It was more than two dozen orders of F 16 actually!
Much to the relief of the Americans, the F 16 does manage to damage the old warhorse and it crashes billowing fat clouds of smoke and debris ( god bless its brave heart). You feel sad for the wretch thrust into such an unfair fight. Bond and Camille manage to jump ship and open the only parachute between them just before touchdown. They hit the earth with a resounding thud. Then they burn down a nice eco hotel in the middle of the desert.
Your misery ends when Bond finally catches up with his main target i.e his ex girl friends ex lover. He does not kill him as Bond finally decides to heed M’s request that “Bond, if you don’t go around killing every suspect, it would be deeply appreciated.”
Kidding again! He does not kill him as the fall from the airplane hurts real bad you see.
There were some entertaining parts to the movie though! Namely the scene that says - "The End"
M: Is he alive?
James Bond: Yes!
M: Well, that is unusual!
THE END!
That in very brief was a brief on the new Bond movie "Quantum of Solace"
You can meat up the above dialog with high speed metal crushing car chases, bone crushing foot chases, muscles ripping scaffold chases and ear drum piercing Dolby Surround Sound system all ending in Bond killing someone and the nerve wrecking picture is complete. And when you walk out of the theater your nerves short circuited, your hair standing on one end, you will need more than a quantum of solace for sitting through ‘Quantum of Solace’.
I was amongst the privileged many to be invited to the premiere of “Quantum of Solace" in Bangalore last Friday! In fact the whole theater was filled with such 'privileged' people. As a token of our appreciation for the free passes, some of us stayed back after the ‘Interval’. To the ingrates who left after the interval (thoughtfully provided half an hour before the movie ends) I have only this to say: I HATE YOU ALL!
People, who intend to watch this movie, may please leave this blog immediately or you may end up spending your money constructively on pirated DVD. So read on at your own risk!! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
If you had a stressful week like I had, then “Quantum of Solace” is not for you. It's like having a brain surgery after a root canal procedure and then going in for a voluntary amputation of a limb!
In the very first scene of the movie, you are brutally shoved into a fast moving car hurtling on a narrow mountain road with fast moving vehicles approaching from the other direction. The traffic on this road will make Bangalore roads hang their potholed heads in shame! And the speed of the traffic will make the Bangalore traffic coppers look at each other and say “Mommmy”. After which they will resolve to be nicer to us and bribe us a little less.
The high octane chase ends in another hemisphere of the Earth, and we have Bond parking his battered car now bereft of doors, roof and chassis and engine and retrieving a captive from the boot of his car. The captive is in remarkable condition, considering he has been lying in the boot trussed up without a seat belt. A lesser mortal would have leaked out through the car in liquid form after the pulverizing!
While the captive is being interrogated by MI5, a different drama was being played out in another place…behind my seat. It was a more thrilling and sinister drama than the one on the screen.
Kid in back seat: Mujhe Popcorn chahiye!!
Kids mom: Abhi nahin Munna. Papa aane ke baad.
Munna: *bawl*
Papa to Mom: Why don’t you give him something else?
Me: Yeah right! How about a duct tape around his mouth?
Mom: *Glare*
Papa to the someone on the phone: Haanji aapka consignment nikal gaya hai!
Munna: Shriieeekkkkk!!!!!!!!!
While ‘Munna was Shrieking’ (which would be a nice name for a Bond movie name btw) there is mayhem in the interrogation room as the captive escapes with the help of a mole! Bond takes off at supersonic speed after the mole….on foot… breaking the world record in the 100 meter dash and a few limbs and lots of roof tiles in the process. He catches up with him… after running over several roofs and jumping from building to building and swinging across scaffoldings like a modern day Tarzan to shoot him dead while suspended from the ceiling from one leg. But before the bullet finds his heart, the mole had already passed away …from laughing his guts out at the sight!
After this we have Bond suddenly taking off to Haiti and killing another guy, chumma just like that! The tension in the story is broken by some humongous dialogs like this.
M: *mumble*
Bond: *hrmphfxl*
The audience consisting mostly of corporates (read: techies) who had come geared up (read: drunk) to whistle, clap and roar were left whistling, clapping and roaring to the Trailer of Gajini and Dostana. Quite disconcerting actually to see young men roaring as a hunky John Abraham emerged out of water Bond like, wearing nothing but an attitude!
Soon we were engrossed in another high speed boat chase that has the beautiful Camille, hanging on for dear life from a boat that seems to take off to the blue yonder every two seconds to come crashing on the baddies boat every three seconds. Remarkably, she too survives the bone crushing, spirit ejecting ride and Bond leaves her to attend a party in Austria. The party is boring (read: no major chases and kills) and soon we have Bond flying to someplace in Chili on a very old airplane held together by staplers and safety pins and glue. He gallantly ignores the private Lear Jet also on hire in the deserted Chilean desert. The plane owner immediately calls up the baddies and tells them of the mad man who hired his junk. They pass out laughing. Kidding! They send an F 16 to shoot down Bond and he evades them with the dexterity of a sluggish sloth trying to evade a sinewy Leopard (remember, old plane). The cat fight in the sky totally puzzles everyone and more than a dozen orders for F 16 planes are canceled around the world. Kidding again! It was more than two dozen orders of F 16 actually!
Much to the relief of the Americans, the F 16 does manage to damage the old warhorse and it crashes billowing fat clouds of smoke and debris ( god bless its brave heart). You feel sad for the wretch thrust into such an unfair fight. Bond and Camille manage to jump ship and open the only parachute between them just before touchdown. They hit the earth with a resounding thud. Then they burn down a nice eco hotel in the middle of the desert.
Your misery ends when Bond finally catches up with his main target i.e his ex girl friends ex lover. He does not kill him as Bond finally decides to heed M’s request that “Bond, if you don’t go around killing every suspect, it would be deeply appreciated.”
Kidding again! He does not kill him as the fall from the airplane hurts real bad you see.
There were some entertaining parts to the movie though! Namely the scene that says - "The End"
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Those 70's movie shows!
My Dad, unlike most normal Dads was hell bent on showing his kids the movies of the 70’s and 80’s when he was a young man dreaming of Hema Malini and Sharmila Tagore ( shh don’t tell my ma). Now back in the 90’s, the good old VCD’s ruled the roost. Hindi movies of those days were replete with scenes that my Mom pointed out was not exactly wholesome for her children to view. So my Dad became a sort of an amateur movie editor. And his ham handed editing scarred us forever.
Scene one:
Villain has trapped a girl in a room. He is slowly inching towards the girl, lust in his eyes. The girl has nowhere to run.
Villain: heh heh
Girl: Nahiiiin!
Girl’s mother to shopkeeper: Yeh Bhindi kitne ke diye? (How much do these ladiesfinger cost!)
Girl: *puking*
Mother: Nahiiiin!
Us: Huh?
Dad: ermm!
Now imagine a first night scene!
Hero: I love you!
Heroine: *blush*
Heroine to her mother: Mein maa banne waali hoon!
Mother to Dad: Sunte ho heroine ke bapu. Aaap nana banne waale ho!! I am so happy!
Us: Duh!
Dad: err orange squash anyone?
Sometimes my Dad was a little quicker with the scissors or whatever it was he used to edit the movie. And we had scenes like this.
Villain: heh heh
Girl: Nahiiiin!
Hero: (shooting the villain): Kuththe Kameene!
Us: Poor guy!
Dad: No! No! He is not the good guy!!!
Us: Why?
Dad: Chips anyone?
Normal kids grew up applauding the hero as he thrashed the daylights out of the villain. We grew up pitying the poor villain who seemed to do nothing but go “heh heh.” He had a funkier hairdo than the hero and a lot of stamina to withstand the thrashing he would get from time to time. If I were asked to make a five minute Hindi movie, it would go like this.
Hero: I love you!
Heroine: I love you too!
“THE END”
Any ways after watching the Hindi movies of that era, I have more or less become an expert in the salient points and characters that make up the movie.
1. The elderly woman with the saree pallu draped around her head and a big red bindi denotes a chaste pati vrata naari , indulgent mother and wonderful cook who whips up 75 courses meals with her smile and pallu intact. She has witnessed first hand the battle of Mahabharatha and the unfolding of the Ramayan. She is on first name basis with the presiding deity at the temple nearby! Preferred background score when she is around: The sweet sound of Bansuri or Flute!
2. A frail old man in a kurta pyjama is almost always the father who works hard at the villains factory for a pittance. He is a sincere and dedicated worker who sticks to his job even though he has not been paid for the past 72 years! He suffers from a chronic cough that may be used to kill him off if the script demands. Preferred background scores for Pitaji: A mournful violin recital.
3. If their daughter is shown plain and with a cherubic character, then she is sure to get raped by the villain so that her brother, the hero has enough ammo to go after the villain. She will commit suicide after she vomits.
4. If the sister is shown wearing short mini skirts and revealing clothes then she is a bad bad girl and will surely fall under the charm of the villain’s lackey and get pregnant. Hearing this father will suffer a heart attack and die leaving the family destitute. The sister will turn a new leaf overnight and wear simple cotton sarees and begins going to the temple morning, evening and night. She will eventually marry the father of her child after the last scene when the Hero beats him up black and blue and is about to crush his head with a rock the size of Mt Abu. She will intervene just before the Hero crushes his head by imploring the Hero to spare the father of her unborn son or crush her too with the ten tonner of a rock. The father of the unborn child is immediately due to a chemical reaction, transformed into a good man who will promptly agree to marry her without a DNA test of the baby.
5. A woman in a saree with her eyebrows shaped in a sharp arc is the vixen of the piece. Her make up is harsh so that you don’t mistake her to be the loving mother. And to drive home the point that she is the villainous of the piece, the preferred background scores for her will wear out the cymbals and drums of the orchestra.
6. The gal who arrives into the camera frame in slow motion, tossing her hair to some electric music is the Heroine. The Hero instantly falls in love with her. She instantly dislikes him. Then they sing a song picturised around ten International Gardens spanning seven countries. She falls in love with him after the song is over. Then they introduce themselves.
7. The man with the really bad wig, sun glasses and cheap Cigar is the villain! He will sit on a papier-mâché throne in front of a bar with foreign scotch whiskey bottles filled with what looks like weak tea surrounded by a bevy of beauties called Mona, Monica, Ruby and Julie, not necessarily in that order.
8. The Villain will almost always kidnap the Heroine and keep her captive in a dilapidated Architectural Society of India (ASI) fort. The fort has huge walls with "Raja loves Rani" and "Jesus saves!" kinda scribbling all over.
9. The Hero will home in on the ASI Fort ignoring the other 4567 forts under its aegis with the precisions of a GPRS device within minutes of the kidnap.
10. The mother of all battles happen in the last scene when the dilapidated fort is made further berefit of huge rocks that the Hero takes to throw at the Villain and his hired men.
11. The Police arrive at the fag end of the movie without an FIR being filed. This is a miracle of sorts in India and happens only in Hindi movies. They will immediately spot and arrest the baddies from the milling crowd of people beating each other to pulp.
12. Hero and heroine are immediately beamed up to a marriage pandal where they smile bedecked at the camera and the legend “THE END”
And they look genuinely happy it is over!
Scene one:
Villain has trapped a girl in a room. He is slowly inching towards the girl, lust in his eyes. The girl has nowhere to run.
Villain: heh heh
Girl: Nahiiiin!
Girl’s mother to shopkeeper: Yeh Bhindi kitne ke diye? (How much do these ladiesfinger cost!)
Girl: *puking*
Mother: Nahiiiin!
Us: Huh?
Dad: ermm!
Now imagine a first night scene!
Hero: I love you!
Heroine: *blush*
Heroine to her mother: Mein maa banne waali hoon!
Mother to Dad: Sunte ho heroine ke bapu. Aaap nana banne waale ho!! I am so happy!
Us: Duh!
Dad: err orange squash anyone?
Sometimes my Dad was a little quicker with the scissors or whatever it was he used to edit the movie. And we had scenes like this.
Villain: heh heh
Girl: Nahiiiin!
Hero: (shooting the villain): Kuththe Kameene!
Us: Poor guy!
Dad: No! No! He is not the good guy!!!
Us: Why?
Dad: Chips anyone?
Normal kids grew up applauding the hero as he thrashed the daylights out of the villain. We grew up pitying the poor villain who seemed to do nothing but go “heh heh.” He had a funkier hairdo than the hero and a lot of stamina to withstand the thrashing he would get from time to time. If I were asked to make a five minute Hindi movie, it would go like this.
Hero: I love you!
Heroine: I love you too!
“THE END”
Any ways after watching the Hindi movies of that era, I have more or less become an expert in the salient points and characters that make up the movie.
1. The elderly woman with the saree pallu draped around her head and a big red bindi denotes a chaste pati vrata naari , indulgent mother and wonderful cook who whips up 75 courses meals with her smile and pallu intact. She has witnessed first hand the battle of Mahabharatha and the unfolding of the Ramayan. She is on first name basis with the presiding deity at the temple nearby! Preferred background score when she is around: The sweet sound of Bansuri or Flute!
2. A frail old man in a kurta pyjama is almost always the father who works hard at the villains factory for a pittance. He is a sincere and dedicated worker who sticks to his job even though he has not been paid for the past 72 years! He suffers from a chronic cough that may be used to kill him off if the script demands. Preferred background scores for Pitaji: A mournful violin recital.
3. If their daughter is shown plain and with a cherubic character, then she is sure to get raped by the villain so that her brother, the hero has enough ammo to go after the villain. She will commit suicide after she vomits.
4. If the sister is shown wearing short mini skirts and revealing clothes then she is a bad bad girl and will surely fall under the charm of the villain’s lackey and get pregnant. Hearing this father will suffer a heart attack and die leaving the family destitute. The sister will turn a new leaf overnight and wear simple cotton sarees and begins going to the temple morning, evening and night. She will eventually marry the father of her child after the last scene when the Hero beats him up black and blue and is about to crush his head with a rock the size of Mt Abu. She will intervene just before the Hero crushes his head by imploring the Hero to spare the father of her unborn son or crush her too with the ten tonner of a rock. The father of the unborn child is immediately due to a chemical reaction, transformed into a good man who will promptly agree to marry her without a DNA test of the baby.
5. A woman in a saree with her eyebrows shaped in a sharp arc is the vixen of the piece. Her make up is harsh so that you don’t mistake her to be the loving mother. And to drive home the point that she is the villainous of the piece, the preferred background scores for her will wear out the cymbals and drums of the orchestra.
6. The gal who arrives into the camera frame in slow motion, tossing her hair to some electric music is the Heroine. The Hero instantly falls in love with her. She instantly dislikes him. Then they sing a song picturised around ten International Gardens spanning seven countries. She falls in love with him after the song is over. Then they introduce themselves.
7. The man with the really bad wig, sun glasses and cheap Cigar is the villain! He will sit on a papier-mâché throne in front of a bar with foreign scotch whiskey bottles filled with what looks like weak tea surrounded by a bevy of beauties called Mona, Monica, Ruby and Julie, not necessarily in that order.
8. The Villain will almost always kidnap the Heroine and keep her captive in a dilapidated Architectural Society of India (ASI) fort. The fort has huge walls with "Raja loves Rani" and "Jesus saves!" kinda scribbling all over.
9. The Hero will home in on the ASI Fort ignoring the other 4567 forts under its aegis with the precisions of a GPRS device within minutes of the kidnap.
10. The mother of all battles happen in the last scene when the dilapidated fort is made further berefit of huge rocks that the Hero takes to throw at the Villain and his hired men.
11. The Police arrive at the fag end of the movie without an FIR being filed. This is a miracle of sorts in India and happens only in Hindi movies. They will immediately spot and arrest the baddies from the milling crowd of people beating each other to pulp.
12. Hero and heroine are immediately beamed up to a marriage pandal where they smile bedecked at the camera and the legend “THE END”
And they look genuinely happy it is over!
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