Sunday, January 29, 2006

The story of Man!

There is something that we gals cannot do when we get together and that is 'keep quiet'. We love to talk and meaningful silences are as alien to us as Shilajit Capsules or a Suzuki Hayabusa. We like to discuss everything. By everything I mean anything that happened during the course of day from the time we get up and say "Oh my God! I look awful!" (Unlike guys who get up and say "hrmphfxl").

Therefore girls get a little perplexed when guys don’t chatter as much and prefer to clam up and drink alcohol whether they are sad, happy, jubilant, depressed, angry, joyous or forgot to shave.(The latest Mera No. 1 ad is an outstanding testimony of the human Man's inability to verbalize his feelings).

So I approached a renowned historian to learn about this behavior of men. After several pegs of Mera No. 1 Mineral Water, Cassettes and CDs, renowned historian Michael Chakson from Jhumri Thalaiyya told me that this kind of behavior is a genetic predisposition from the days Humans were hunter-gatherers.

The prehistoric Man was our predecessor and was the guy who was responsible for the propagation of our species. (Poor man if he had known this back then, he would have invented birth control before the wheel). Go forth and multiply was his motto er...natural instinct, which is what actually led to the invention of the wheel. And the rest is history er...present...er...whatever. Which is why guys with two wheelers behave like Neanderthals while the ones with four wheels behave like Neanderthals on four wheels.

This prehistoric dude was a real modern and hep dude. He had numerous live in girlfriends. He was also the first man in History to have a love child when his first-born came into this world. After delivering several love children the prehistoric women invented "Headache". Which was the first ever recorded form of birth control by early man. The invention of the ‘headache’ also led to speech by early man and the first ever-recorded conversation between humans went like this.

Man: hrmphfxl?
Woman: Not tonight dear, I have a headache.

(Later as man graduated from hunter gatherer to farmer the word cave was replaced by 'hay'. 'Headache' was replaced by 'Migraine', which is supposed to last for an indeterminable period)

Our prehistoric dude's successors successfully kept his tradition alive with several bouncy love children till some barbarians spoilt the party by inventing 'monogamy' and 'marriage'. The invention of the 'headache' and 'marriage' hampered the human man’s style and he in turn invented "Football" to vent his frustrations. This was the first ever-recorded 'vicious cycle' in human history and the beginning of many other vicious cycles that led to the invention of Cricket, Motorbikes and Whiskey.

Anyways, the prehistoric dude had a lot of fun, unlike his modern counterpart who has to content with alimony, child support and AIDS if he tried to emulate his ancestors. But life was not all fun and women for our prehistoric dude. He had the responsibility of feeding his numerous women and love kids. If he couldn’t bring home the bacon er...I mean the Bison he would have to contend with the sad loss of his loved ones to his rival’s camp.(Because his rival’s dining stone was groaning under a rather juicy Buffalo). Not bringing home the Bison had other disadvantages too. He would have to eat the vegetables gathered by the women. The vegetables reminded him of his failure as a hunter and that according to Michael Chakson, is why men hate veggies and love meat. (another example of a prehistoric vicious cycle)

Prehistoric man learnt from bitter experience that silence was golden after this traumatic incident at a hunt.

Man1: Shhhhh!!!! A plump deer at 2 ‘o’ Clock!
Man2: Did you hear that Granite Garry’s woman had defected to Marble Marlow’s camp?
Man1: Drat! The deer ran away.
Man3: Shhhh!!!! A fat Bison!!
Man4: Really??? But I thought Marble Marlow’s wife was messing his gene pool with Granite Garry!!!
Man3: Darn! The Bison took to his heels.

That night, Man 1, 2, 3 and 4 all lost their women to Sandstone Sean and Igneous Isaac. (Well...Granite Garry and Marble Marlow’s camp were rather crowded already).

Silence became an important tool for the prehistoric man for hunting. Besides having so many women put paid his chances of getting in a word edgewise or otherwise. Man continued to excel in hunting but languished in verbal skills.

And that according to Michael Chakson, is why guys are the strong and silent types.

42 comments:

Mind Curry said...

absolutely rocking analysis you have done! :) i have to accept that i am very much a neanderthal :) no ferrari though..not yet..

Divya said...

:-))
Loved the tag too!
*still laughin hard*

Dr. Pissed said...

hrmphfxl!!!!

Meesa Madhavan said...

Forwarded your blog post to international asscociation of historians. They think your theory has to be included in college curriculum. FYI

ursjina said...

hmmphh..so thats it really???..i was searching for an explanation since time immemorial!!!...
Hey..buckle ur shoes and get ready..u might become famous for this pathbreaking discovery..hehe...
Good one gal..

Lost in trance... said...

hrmphfxl!!!!

woah! that was borderline chauvinism :-o

JamesBright said...

'So, these are the facts behind migraine and other forms of female head aches?'
Thanks for the lovely piece of writing.

silverine said...

@mindcurry: Thank you! Glad you ( a male ) approves my attempt at understanding the male psyche. Credit also goes to several female friends and colleagues for their inputs!! ;)
@Divya: Thank you :)
@Dr pissed: when I wrote this post I knew that "hrmphfxl" will be used liberally by male commentors! heh heh!! :))
@MM:You may have done a huge favor to "international asscociation of historians" :))
@Ursjina: Thanks girl. Glad I was able to help ;)
@Lostintrance:Please show some mercy!! i am just trying to understand you guys ok? :))
@dreamslittle: Thank you doctor!! Now you know the prognosis :))

Browser said...

Wow all this without even being married!! I'm waiting for your analysis after marriage --- :-)

Alexis Leon said...

Silverine, you are impossible :-). This post reminded of the movie History of the World - Part I. Mel Brooks would have welcomed your inputs...

Matter of Choice said...

so the mis-communication gal has started mis-analysis!!

I am eagerly awaiting a sequel to understand how backaches became the second pill er..pillar of birth control?

was it because the neanderthal liked to conduct his population propagation activities over hard rock? if thats the case shouldnt kurl-on mattresses nullify the above excuse for birth control.

hmmm..that would also explain the popularity of hard rock cafe amongst men wouldnt it??

Anil The Great said...

silverline :

you are one hell of a girl. my god, cant believe , you came up with such a
screwing post. u didnt care wht the men will think and say ???

Just Kidding, u have done one hell of a post. gr8 going.

-ATg

kornkob said...

H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S !!!!

Even the guys in the office are grinning. You got some imagination ma'am! :))

KK

monu said...

[i]"Poor man if he had known this back then, he would have invented birth control before the wheel"[/i]

lol.. this one was superb [:D]

Geo said...

I am lost...
Whats the moral of the story?
Are you for birth control or against it?
Or was the post abt 101 ways to avoid rmphfxl? I take h to mean honey...

Only thing I could understand was that women hate football and Hayabusas for obvious reasons (ie, fear of competition... )

calvin said...

Gal you got it all wrong..Men have advanced far more than you gals can ever think.Thats why we invented Whiskey, Football and such . we are now so advanced , we chatter through telepathy and C++. Heck we dont even need to 'chatter'. We just know .Ever watched a group of guys ogling at a girl ? you will see that as soon as the first guy starts ogling , all the other guys will also start doing so , whichever way they are looking..Its sheer telepathy and nothing else. [ I know it OK ? :) ]

We still ask "hrmphfxl ? " Wanna know why ? Come be a man . Drink Whiskey , play Football. ( No not cricket , cricket is so stupid .. it projects unequality . )

P.S : We also have invented very effective cures for headache AND migraine.

Sujay said...

hrmphfxl !! u left out computer games, xbox and PS stuff !!

Praveen said...

:) I had always wondered what prehistoric men were upto, now I know ;)

silverine said...

@browser: That will be a long wait :))
@Alexis; Glad you got the satire. I loved that movie and I am a huge fan of Mel Brooks :))
@MoC: Thanks for that brillaint mis-analysis he he :))
@ATG: Thanks Anil! :)
@KK: The guys are grinning? My friends told me to duck for cover when they read this!!! :))
@Monu: You are sharp :))
@Geo: This an attempt of a girl to explain guys and their ways. Now read it again and I shall wait for your defense of the enire maledom ;)
@Aashik: LOL :))
@Sujay: Hey thanks for filling in the blanks rofl :))
@Praven : LOL I knew you will get the gist of the post :))

>|' ; '| said...

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>|' ; '| said...

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>|' ; '| said...

silence is golden...

hrmphfxl!!!

Binoy, The One and Only said...

And I thought I was the one who could put in a hilarious conversation in... WOW!!!
I am still ROFL!!! Need to meet this Micheal Chackson sometime...

silverine said...

@poison: "hrmphfxl!!!" was so profound! Just like a guy to be so eloquent :))
@binoy: Thank you, your post was damned funny too :)

Lalit Singh said...

hilarious!!

Rockus said...

Damn Funny!
I think now I know Why we men talk little especially while doing some work! Thanks for that ray of enlightenment :-)

Arti Honrao said...

Too good!
Mr. John Gray [author of Men are from mars Women are from venus] would be astonished to read this post :p

GBU
Arti

Arvind said...

Ran into this while going thru my pals blog ..

Good one , you must read "Why men cant listen and women cant read maps"

a good read and gives some insight why we are the way we are :-)

Venkat Ramanan said...

Amazing writing!!!
And yes, the fact that women talk a looootttt is evident from your blog too :)) Chill!
I particularly like the few lines where women migrate from headache to migraine!!! Million cheers to you!!!
-Venkat

Neetika said...

I have to believe in ur theory....
And i think in someways u r right.....
Got to discuss with my friends....
Actually i got the receipe to talk among my friends.....
Wonderfully written
God bless you

ken said...

A real nice post .. your writing style is excellent.Thanks for stopping by my blog.Would be visiting your blog often now.

J said...

I don't talk much actually.
But when I do, I really talk.
Does than make me any less a woman :p

Shruthi said...

This post is just too cool! Your language is absolutely crisp and riveting! Loved it! :)

Manasi said...

Amazing post! Beautiful language and amazing humor too! Loved it.

silverine said...

Lalit: Thank you. Read your wonderful tag.Amazing!
@Rockus: Lol you are welcome, now u know why men are from mars etc :))
@Arti: Thank you sistah!!!! We are birds of a feather ;)
@Arvind: Thanks for dropping by. a good read and gives some insight why we are the way we are ROFL
@Venkat: Thank you, glad you are not throwing rotten tomatoes at me :))
@Neetika: Girl!!! We think alike. Go thrash this out with friends and lemme know the results lol Maybe you will blog about it !
@Ken: Thank you ken for your kind words :)
@J: Very much a girl or you would have said hrmphfxl most of the time lol
@Shruthi and Manasi: Real nice to see you girls here. Thank you so much for your appreciation :)

anantha said...

Silverline: Well, I was doing my best "daankaiy" impersonation on Ravi's blog! Well, since you asked, we were already evloved when you ladies were in the first step of evolution. But we have stayed "neandrathal" since that helps us in every situation which you gals have to constantly evolve, to survive.
The world cannot handle any more evolution from the guys. We'd then be Supermen and as you can see, I am certainly not one! :)
Anyways, welcome on my blog.. keep visiting...

Supremus said...

LOL :D

Completely agree with anti's comment above though :D hehehe!!

rollicking stuff here - I am enjoyin silverline land lady - must put on a "watch" list hehe :P

deepthi said...

hey, really enjoyed reading this. great research and good taste of humour!!

silverine said...

@Anti:If you guys had already evolved back then then how come you are still human? According to evolutionay theories you should have been a more advanced animal by now! Guess,some life forms just cannot evolve after a point LOL
@Supremus:Thank you! :)
@Deepthi:Thanks for dropping by lady :))

injinuity said...

I come back from a small break and lord, you have been on a rool havent you.. keep up the good writing ma'am.

I can empathize with you on the male inability to communicate feelings instead of sitting and boozing, its idiotic but alas thats how most men are

silverine said...

@Injinuity: Welcome back!!!! I was wondering where the heck you have been! Thank you and nice to see your name among the commenters :))

Sriram said...

hrmphfxl
gnnnk
hrmphfxlhrmphfxl