Clause and Effect

Flash News

Mumbai: The Taj Mahal Hotel which was insured against a terror attack will soon be rebuilt without much cost to the company we are told. According to a Press Release, the Management of the Hotel was delighted when they got the bill. It was promptly sent over to their Insurance Company for settlement. The Insurance Company was also reportedly delighted to have been of assistance. They declined the coffee and croissants however citing acute nausea.

Reacting to this news in a hurriedly organized Press Conference, The Insurance Companies Association of India (TICA) announced several new coverage schemes for buildings big and small against terror attacks.

A spokesperson for TICA said that "the attack on the Taj Mahal has bought the issue of terrorism into our Reception, single bedrooms, double bedrooms, Honeymoon Suite, Presidential Suite, Patisserie, Bar, Chinese restaurant, Sushi Bar, Italian restaurant, Afghan restaurant, the Grand Ballroom, Business Center etc. It has therefore become imperative for Insurance Companies to take a relook at the existing schemes that cover terror attack and make it more comprehensive to help business offset losses suffered due to damage to buildings and infrastructure due to terrorist attacks and or acts of war."

The news was greeted with relief by beleaguered businesses reeling under the recession and threats of attack by terrorists. When queried by a reporter about the conditions and clauses of these new schemes, the spokesperson said "Ahem!" He declined to comment further.

Under conditions of anonymity an association member revealed that a building will be considered a victim of terror attack if the terrorists -

1. Were not from a neighboring country
2. Did not speak Urdu or Hindi
3. Do not like Amitabh Bachchan movies and or were fans of Shah Rukh Khan, Aishwarya Rai, Salman Khan etc ( For full list see Annexure I)
4. Did not carry automatic weapons but used only a butter knife for the operation, (though a provision under Rule 456, Section ii provides for allowing a Fruit Knife and or Swiss knife attack at an additional premium of Rs 50,000/- per month. For full list of weapons see the Kitchen Implements section of your department store)
5. Have not at any point in their life watched/owned a pirated Bollywood movie
6. Have not at any point in their life heard/owned pirated Bollywood music
7. Have not at any point in their life owned an illegal Reliance Connection
8. Possessed only one valid Passport
9. And only one legal verified SIM card connection
10. Are medically certified to suffer from sea sickness
11. Had not entered the country illegally
12. Were honest and law abiding citizens

The spokesperson added "I forgot to mention the Spa and Health Club in the third paragraph."