“You should get back to Orkut!” said my friend N with the air of a Nurse about to break the good news to the expectant father.
“It is now completely safe! You can even lock your albums!!!” She finishes off triumphantly.
She looks at me breathlessly, expecting me jump up in the air with a “Yipee!!!!!” and rush to revive my old and now very dead Orkut account.
“That’s nice!” I said with a fake ‘yawn’. “I predict a new breed of Orkut billionaires in the making!”
“What do you mean?” She asks a trifle uneasily.
“Well...” I paused for dramatic effect. “Now all that a serious photo hunter has to do is bribe people in the account holders friends list to download photos. The most premium photos getting premium rates and we have our very own Orkut billionaires!!”
"Will you add me to your friend’s list dee if I get back to Orkut?” I ask earnestly!
“None of my friends will do that!!!” she shrieks. “You are impossible Anju! No wonder they call you Miss Paranoia!” she walks off in a huff.
A few minutes ago, another friend calls up and informs me that N has removed all her photos from her Orkut album and has replaced them with a GIF image that says “Stop checking people’s albums and get a life loser!!”
...and her album is still locked!
What a lovely lovely way to start the week! *contended sigh*
Monday, January 14, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Twelve days of Christmas!
On the First day of Christmas - I got up and yawned and went back to sleep.
On the Second day of Christmas - I managed to haul myself out of bed at 11 am.
On the Third day of Christmas - I was on the road to Kerala.
On the Fourth day of Christmas - I was snoring in Pala.
On the Fifth day of Christmas - I was hauled out from bed and made to say Confession in Church. Unfortunately I had forgotten all my sins and got a severe penance. I will be saying penance for the rest of my life.
On the Sixth day of Christmas - *SNORE*
On the Seventh day of Christmas - My mom threatens to cut my nails if I don’t get up. I was up in a trice, at an approximate acceleration rate of 0 to 100 km/h in 4.2 seconds
On the Eighth day of Christmas - I was decorating a rather robust local tree of unknown lineage, in the tenuous hope that it will pass off as a Christmas tree. It didn’t. It looked like a rather robust tree of unknown lineage trying to pass itself off as a Christmas tree.
On the Ninth day of Christmas - Still no luck with my naadan Christmas tree. It looked the same, though a trifle defiant and with a lot less leaves and err…decidedly ugly.
On the Tenth day of Christmas - Got conned by my bro and cousin bros to watch a new super hit Malayalam movie at home. Two minutes into the movie and I was out of the room in a tearing hurry. It was a severely strainful and overly senti religious movie in which a decidedly Caucasian Joseph was taking his bleached blond pregnant wife Mary on a Poitou Donkey from Inn to Inn inquiring for rooms in chaste Malayalam. The guys thought it was damn funny and laughed like a pack of effeminate male hyenas. But the Donkey carrying the bleached blond Mary was damn cute.
On the Eleventh day of Christmas - I was tasting the various Christmas preparations my aunts made. I told a lot of lies that day. Damn. I should have kept Confession for this day!! The Star of the Day was " Rosamma aunty, your halwa is out of this world." It was. I don't think such horrible halwa exists anywhere on this Earth.
On the Twelfth day of Christmas i.e Christmas Day - Luxuria (extravagance), Gula (gluttony), Avaritia (greed), Acedia (sloth), Ira (wrath), Invidia (envy), and Superbia (pride)
*burp*
"Twelve days of Christmas" is a Christmas carol.
On the Second day of Christmas - I managed to haul myself out of bed at 11 am.
On the Third day of Christmas - I was on the road to Kerala.
On the Fourth day of Christmas - I was snoring in Pala.
On the Fifth day of Christmas - I was hauled out from bed and made to say Confession in Church. Unfortunately I had forgotten all my sins and got a severe penance. I will be saying penance for the rest of my life.
On the Sixth day of Christmas - *SNORE*
On the Seventh day of Christmas - My mom threatens to cut my nails if I don’t get up. I was up in a trice, at an approximate acceleration rate of 0 to 100 km/h in 4.2 seconds
On the Eighth day of Christmas - I was decorating a rather robust local tree of unknown lineage, in the tenuous hope that it will pass off as a Christmas tree. It didn’t. It looked like a rather robust tree of unknown lineage trying to pass itself off as a Christmas tree.
On the Ninth day of Christmas - Still no luck with my naadan Christmas tree. It looked the same, though a trifle defiant and with a lot less leaves and err…decidedly ugly.
On the Tenth day of Christmas - Got conned by my bro and cousin bros to watch a new super hit Malayalam movie at home. Two minutes into the movie and I was out of the room in a tearing hurry. It was a severely strainful and overly senti religious movie in which a decidedly Caucasian Joseph was taking his bleached blond pregnant wife Mary on a Poitou Donkey from Inn to Inn inquiring for rooms in chaste Malayalam. The guys thought it was damn funny and laughed like a pack of effeminate male hyenas. But the Donkey carrying the bleached blond Mary was damn cute.
On the Eleventh day of Christmas - I was tasting the various Christmas preparations my aunts made. I told a lot of lies that day. Damn. I should have kept Confession for this day!! The Star of the Day was " Rosamma aunty, your halwa is out of this world." It was. I don't think such horrible halwa exists anywhere on this Earth.
On the Twelfth day of Christmas i.e Christmas Day - Luxuria (extravagance), Gula (gluttony), Avaritia (greed), Acedia (sloth), Ira (wrath), Invidia (envy), and Superbia (pride)
*burp*
"Twelve days of Christmas" is a Christmas carol.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
It's an ad bad world
Warning: Long post ahead!
It is Sunday and I am watching TV… because I have hurt my toe you see, (poor dear muah muah). And I am thus immobilized or I would have spent a productive day sitting in front of the comp.
My mom knows when I am cornered. And like the adversary that has got his prey in a corner, she is moving in to make the kill…with half a kilo of Beans, half a kilo of Sambhar onions, some coriander leaves and a pod of garlic. She plans to cut all this vegetation sitting next to me while she fills me in on all the naatuu visheshams ( family gossip) that she knows I will ‘have’ to hear now. I oblige by putting on my head phones. Now I can’t hear the TV damn!
But watching TV without audio and the sexy sexy and really sexy Enrique crooning into my ears “Tired of being Sorry” is an extreme extreme test of a gals will power. You want to give all your attention to Enrique! But then the gal in the TV advertisement has just applied some cream and ‘viola’ she has men all over her. Pedicured, Manicured, hair gelled, Savile Row suited pure premium lean beef. All muscle no fat. A feast meant for the Kings for an epicurean cannibal and a feast for the eye for women in general. Enrique dear, forgive me for committing adultery. *sob*
Hypnotized by the sheer richness of the ad, the music and the men, I find myself making a hazy mental note to buy that Cream that looks like it is made up of Strawberry, Fresh Cream and that’s all. But then another voice, the voice of reason that is rarely heard in my head, raises its voice. “Silverine! Concentrate girl! That is just an ad! Don’t waste your money. Buy a non stick pan instead”. No wonder the voice of reason is never heard inside my head!!! With advice like this no self respecting girl will listen you Charlie. Now get your act together and tell me to buy Lingerie or Perfume or another Puppy. But Non stick pan!!! *horrors*
The voice of reason tries again. “Silverine! Concentrate girl! That is just an ad! Don’t waste your money. Buy a *ugh* Perfume instead, though personally I think…”
“Personally I think you should stop at the Perfume!!!”
The voice of reason persists. Methinks God programmed it to play automatically every half an hour in my head. It got to me finally folks and I began thinking. Advertisements have begun to slowly but insidiously erode the “healthy disbelief thingy” we all have in us. We are no longer the alert audience we were once were, who smartly grabbed the remote and switched Channels when the ads came on or who rolled in laughter when we saw the guy brushing his teeth with Pepsodent, or was it Colgate, Anchor or err was it Meswak ??? Anyway who cares! As I was saying, we are no longer the people who rolled in laughter when we saw the guy brushing his teeth with certain toothpaste and breathing out minty fresh breath that rivaled the Westerlies in velocity. Nor do roll our eyes in disbelief when a guy buys a certain Mobile phone in an ad and becomes instantly sexy and attracts women by the dozen, all scantily but tastefully clad and fully made up at some classy Salon.
We are so tired after working at these phoren MNC’s that we sit down in front of the TV like bakra’s at the slaughter house parlor. We don’t have the energy to lift the remote and change Channel or switch ‘Off’ the TV having consumed all our energies putting it “On” in the first place. The TV commercial guys know when they have us cornered and use their superior position to full advantage.
We now look tiredly and resignedly as ads after ads walk past our TV screen screaming “We gotcha suckers. Now see the crap we are dishing out and BELIEVE!!” And soon we are running after that Face Cream, Mascara, Toothpaste, and Shampoo that promises to make us instantly handsome/beautiful, desirable, attractive, sexy, and irresistible to the opposite sex.
I am no exception folks. Right now I am trying to dispose off one Tractor, two bottles of Varnish, a Power Saw, a Horse, a wheel barrow, some Salt and Pepper shakers, a Sprinkler Irrigation System, a Lawn mover and some Dentures that I bought in a fit of hypnotic advertisement induced trance. All of them promised to make me irresistibly attractive to men after I started using their products. The gal using the Lawn Mover in the ad has admiring glances of men from adjoining houses, buildings, footpath and atop trees. So far no luck for me though. Well I cant blame the advertisers actually when I have old Mr Rao, very old Mr Thomas and wheelchair bound Mr Panicker as my neighbors. *sigh* Let alone see, they don’t even have teeth to playfully give a nip or two to irresistible me, just like they show in the Sprinkler System ad.
My brother says I should start my own Ebay. Sbay sounds good don’t you think? It’s settled then. Now all that I need to do is HIRE AN AD AGENCY! You people keep your eyes glued to the TV. Ciao folks. Have a great week!!
It is Sunday and I am watching TV… because I have hurt my toe you see, (poor dear muah muah). And I am thus immobilized or I would have spent a productive day sitting in front of the comp.
My mom knows when I am cornered. And like the adversary that has got his prey in a corner, she is moving in to make the kill…with half a kilo of Beans, half a kilo of Sambhar onions, some coriander leaves and a pod of garlic. She plans to cut all this vegetation sitting next to me while she fills me in on all the naatuu visheshams ( family gossip) that she knows I will ‘have’ to hear now. I oblige by putting on my head phones. Now I can’t hear the TV damn!
But watching TV without audio and the sexy sexy and really sexy Enrique crooning into my ears “Tired of being Sorry” is an extreme extreme test of a gals will power. You want to give all your attention to Enrique! But then the gal in the TV advertisement has just applied some cream and ‘viola’ she has men all over her. Pedicured, Manicured, hair gelled, Savile Row suited pure premium lean beef. All muscle no fat. A feast meant for the Kings for an epicurean cannibal and a feast for the eye for women in general. Enrique dear, forgive me for committing adultery. *sob*
Hypnotized by the sheer richness of the ad, the music and the men, I find myself making a hazy mental note to buy that Cream that looks like it is made up of Strawberry, Fresh Cream and that’s all. But then another voice, the voice of reason that is rarely heard in my head, raises its voice. “Silverine! Concentrate girl! That is just an ad! Don’t waste your money. Buy a non stick pan instead”. No wonder the voice of reason is never heard inside my head!!! With advice like this no self respecting girl will listen you Charlie. Now get your act together and tell me to buy Lingerie or Perfume or another Puppy. But Non stick pan!!! *horrors*
The voice of reason tries again. “Silverine! Concentrate girl! That is just an ad! Don’t waste your money. Buy a *ugh* Perfume instead, though personally I think…”
“Personally I think you should stop at the Perfume!!!”
The voice of reason persists. Methinks God programmed it to play automatically every half an hour in my head. It got to me finally folks and I began thinking. Advertisements have begun to slowly but insidiously erode the “healthy disbelief thingy” we all have in us. We are no longer the alert audience we were once were, who smartly grabbed the remote and switched Channels when the ads came on or who rolled in laughter when we saw the guy brushing his teeth with Pepsodent, or was it Colgate, Anchor or err was it Meswak ??? Anyway who cares! As I was saying, we are no longer the people who rolled in laughter when we saw the guy brushing his teeth with certain toothpaste and breathing out minty fresh breath that rivaled the Westerlies in velocity. Nor do roll our eyes in disbelief when a guy buys a certain Mobile phone in an ad and becomes instantly sexy and attracts women by the dozen, all scantily but tastefully clad and fully made up at some classy Salon.
We are so tired after working at these phoren MNC’s that we sit down in front of the TV like bakra’s at the slaughter house parlor. We don’t have the energy to lift the remote and change Channel or switch ‘Off’ the TV having consumed all our energies putting it “On” in the first place. The TV commercial guys know when they have us cornered and use their superior position to full advantage.
We now look tiredly and resignedly as ads after ads walk past our TV screen screaming “We gotcha suckers. Now see the crap we are dishing out and BELIEVE!!” And soon we are running after that Face Cream, Mascara, Toothpaste, and Shampoo that promises to make us instantly handsome/beautiful, desirable, attractive, sexy, and irresistible to the opposite sex.
I am no exception folks. Right now I am trying to dispose off one Tractor, two bottles of Varnish, a Power Saw, a Horse, a wheel barrow, some Salt and Pepper shakers, a Sprinkler Irrigation System, a Lawn mover and some Dentures that I bought in a fit of hypnotic advertisement induced trance. All of them promised to make me irresistibly attractive to men after I started using their products. The gal using the Lawn Mover in the ad has admiring glances of men from adjoining houses, buildings, footpath and atop trees. So far no luck for me though. Well I cant blame the advertisers actually when I have old Mr Rao, very old Mr Thomas and wheelchair bound Mr Panicker as my neighbors. *sigh* Let alone see, they don’t even have teeth to playfully give a nip or two to irresistible me, just like they show in the Sprinkler System ad.
My brother says I should start my own Ebay. Sbay sounds good don’t you think? It’s settled then. Now all that I need to do is HIRE AN AD AGENCY! You people keep your eyes glued to the TV. Ciao folks. Have a great week!!
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Fun is not a dirty word!
'Menalic'...that’s a name in case you are wondering and not an evil spirit as you all thought! I was introduced to this guy called Menalic Joseph at this party the other day. What kind of name is Menalic? I thought we mallus were bad in naming kids. But it looks like we are getting worse :((
What next? Satirin Kuriakose and Ironin Jose? Or a Annoyic Baby or Horrific George!
It is fun doing it peoples!!! That’s why!!
New Mom: What shall we name our son?
New Dad: How about "Mousin"? heh heh
New Mom: ROTFLMAO!!!!
New Dad: Careful dear, you have just given birth. Now get up from the floor and get back into bed.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Jingle bells and Wedding belles
His mom: Eda, you pant is falling down!
Sherwani clad alien: Ooops! I will be right back Earthlings.
Pope (scratching his chin) : hmmm I have been thinking of banning marriages for some time now.
Aide: But your Holiness, that is going against the very grain of the Church's ideology!!
Pope: Shut up you bleddy phool and stop using such big words. It is making me $#@& dizzy!!
Weddings in my little town of
Ungle two: Yes I am. Will I see you for the wedding on 26th evening?
Ungle: Absolutely!
Ungle three: And whose weddings are you talking about?
Ungle one (shrugging) : Who knows!
Ungle two: What a stupid question!
Ungle three: My bad.
Chackochan: Yes!
Ungle one: Do you remember me?
Chackochan: hmmm you look familiar!
Ungle one: I failed in 4th standard twice remember?
Chackochan: Aiyyo!! How can I ever forget you Thomma! *sob*
Thomman: *bawl*
Loudspeaker: Is your love life over before it begins. Take Dabur Vita X Gold for a youthful love life. Vita X Gold!!!! At stall number 6!
Bridegroom: err I do!
Priest: And do you Ann take Thomas to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Loudspeaker: Suffering from the Itch? Do you feel embarrassed to scratch yourself in public?!! Use Itch guard!!! At Stall number 11!!!
Bride: No!! I mean...Yes!
Priest: $#*&*@ Somebody shut that loudspeaker down while the mass is going on !!!!
Loudspeaker: Come to stall No 7 and enjoy the home made Halwa, Appams, Achchapams and Wine. Rush and get your goodies before they are gone!!
Kapiiyaru: We can’t Achcho, Remember they have paid for the whole day.
Dad 2: Very good! What is she studying? *hic*
Dad 1: Lemme shee, I shink it is in a college *hic*
Dad 2: Don’t mention his $%#^#&# name in front of me!!!
They usually don’t know how many children they have.
His wife (sarcastically) : Really?! And how many do you have?
Dad: err umm 3?
Mom: Guess again.
Dad: 4?
Mom: Well…you have two with me.
Amma: Ketto! Mass is over. Time to go!
Dad: uh! Is it? I was merely saying a few prayers for the health of our kids you know!
Amma: So sweet. But the wedding mass is over and there is a funeral mass going on now.
p.s just got news that our Parish priest has banned any event at the Church ground during Mass timings. I think a State wide bundh is called for, to protest this Church high handedness!! Does anyone know where I can buy some red flags hmm ?
Sunday, December 30, 2007
New Year Wishes!
I wish you Health...
So you may enjoy each day in comfort.
I wish you the Love of friends and family...
And Peace within your heart.
I wish you the Beauty of nature...
That you may enjoy the work of God.
I wish you Wisdom to choose priorities...
For those things that really matter in life.
I wish you Generosity so you may share...
All good things that come to you.
I wish you Happiness and Joy...
And blessings for the New Year.
I wish you the best of everything...
That you so well deserve.
HAPPY NEW YEAR DEAR FRIENDS!
~ Author Unknown to me ~
So you may enjoy each day in comfort.
I wish you the Love of friends and family...
And Peace within your heart.
I wish you the Beauty of nature...
That you may enjoy the work of God.
I wish you Wisdom to choose priorities...
For those things that really matter in life.
I wish you Generosity so you may share...
All good things that come to you.
I wish you Happiness and Joy...
And blessings for the New Year.
I wish you the best of everything...
That you so well deserve.
HAPPY NEW YEAR DEAR FRIENDS!
~ Author Unknown to me ~
Sunday, December 23, 2007
We lived to tell the tale... hic
Dad to mom: Isn’t there any wedding in your family today? We can still make the flight if we leave now.
G (eldest bro) : I think I need to pick up some shirts urgently!
Me: I will accompany you!
M: Why?? Why should you accompany him?
G: Well someone has to hold the hangar when I am trying the shirts no!
M: Okay! I get it. I know what this is all about. All of you hate me. I am sure I was adopted. If I am such a burden I will move …
Dad: ok ok spare us the crap and we will drink your cocktail.
M (bowing graciously to hide the triumphant smile) : Thank you Monsieur Papa!
Dad: ^%$#&#&….
Soda or water
Put the very same finger in, stir again and repeat the rest of the process and serve with a flourish in a
As you all correctly guessed, the drink is so called because he is the special ingredient in it.
Nightmare on Elm street:
One part dark Rum
One part a slimy green liquid that looks like liquid green goo
One part home made brown goo from his highly secret recipe
A few drops of I don’t even want to know what it is but it looks like lizard juice
200 ml Cola
Mix ingredients in a cocktail shaker and serve with a flourish in the Cocktail shaker to Silverine. (Glasses are for guests silly) Look a trifle annoyed when she says “I have just turned teetotaler. I need your support in this"
As you all correctly guessed, this drink was named by yours truly.
The Goan Run: So called because he invented this drink in
One part the bottle on your right
One part the bottle on your left
One part of the bottle under the chair
One part the carton in the fridge
One part anything else you can you can lay your hand on. (After Shave, Cologne etc excluded) Mix thoroughly.
Serve only to people who have not done the Goan Run before.
Suicide Bomber:
One part Beer
One part Rum
One part Whiskey
One part Brandy
Two part Chili Sauce
Tomato Juice to dilute
A sprinkling of Chili Flakes that you get free with Pizza
Anything else you get free with Pizza
Mix well.
Serve in a sturdy glass if the cocktail shaker hasnt exploded yet.
Winter Wonderland:
Two drops of edible blue color
One part Gin
250 ml chilled Sprite
A dash of lime
Crushed ice
Mix all ingredients together except the crushed ice and pour into a tall glass. Garnish with the crushed ice. This is the only decent cocktail he makes; hence you will never get to drink it. Reserved only for the creator.
Midsummer Night:
One part Vodka
One part gooey Raspberry syrup
One part yucky Litchi crush
One sneaky part Whiskey if no one is looking
And since no one ever looks since it makes them nauseous: One part Gin
50 ml chilled Sprite
Mix well and serve with a spoon as it will be too thick to sip. Call ambulance if people are still puking after two hours.
The Raman Effect:
This drink was made in honor of best buddy Raman, who left for
Half a bottle Scotch
Bottoms up!
That’s it folks. This is my last post for this year. I leave you with a ponderous quote from our very own, home grown Cocktail Maestro.
“Alcohol is not injurious to health. Have you ever seen a bottle of alcohol kill anyone?”
Cheers!
Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a New Year full of joy, career fulfillment, obscenely high salary hikes, an unbelievably good boss and last but not the least, good health to enjoy all that! See you all in 2008!! :)
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Sandwich anyone?!
“Covering your cleavage is like wearing burqa!”
Now if you people think that I have finally flipped it, then you are wrong. I haven’t. I flipped it long time back. This is my unmedicated run before those NIMHANS guys catch up with me.
I was at this dinner yesterday to celebrate my pal and her BF's second "Seeing-each-other-across-a-crowded-room-and-eyes-meeting" anniversary. The BF picked me up first and then we proceeded to my friends place to pick her up. My friend lets call her SD was waiting at the doorstep in a slinky black outfit that showed a decent amount of her cleavage. Decent as in 'decent' and not "indecent" if you know what I mean. The BF looks at her in eye-balls popping out kinda horror, composes himself, forces a smile and tells her in mock unseriousness that her neck line was a trifle low. My friend, who mistook his mock unserious look and presumed that he was cool with it, replied rather flippantly that she liked to live dangerously. Yours truly in the meantime was forgotten by the 'much-in-love-but-now-teetering dangerously-on-the-verge-of-a-split-up' couple. I knew what was coming and I wished I was at home listening to Cecily aunty talk about her varicose veins.
Back to the scene of action. BF explained with mock affection that he didn’t want other men ogling at his GF's assets. GF countered with a stiff smile that if he had no problem with people looking at her face then why would he have problems with people looking at her cleavage?
BF looked like he would bust a blood vessel but managed to give an 'I-am-ok-with-it-but-I-am-just-making-an-observation' kinda look….though rather unsuccessfully. Back in the rear seat, I dreamt of going out for dinner with friends who are not that close to you and will hence refrain but picking up a fight till 'you' have been dropped home after the dinner. It is then the realization dawned upon me that I have far too many close friends and not too many not-so-close friends.
[Note to self: What happened to your last years resolutions of making not-so-close friends ???]
BF turned around to me for help and knowing from experience that none will be forthcoming, pleaded with me to keep my mouth shut. GF who was still standing outside the car of course didn’t hear his appeal. Neither did I.
GF slid in with a dangerous glint in her eyes. She was beginning to get a trifle suspicious that BF was a rabid moralist. Her guard was up and she was getting defensive. I groaned partially with hunger and partially due to the fact that I was very hungry.
A ‘friendly’ argument ensued which I tried to close as soon as possible due to my growing hunger for food and some peace and quite. But the spark of an argument was lit and there was no turning back.
She: I am glad I got to see a new aspect to your personality today.
He: It's not like that!!!
Me: I am hungry!
She (looking thoughtful) : Maybe I should have started showing a little cleavage in the beginning of our acquaintance itself. Would have saved me two years of trouble!
He: It' not like that sweety
She: Stop calling me sweety!
Me: I am hungry!
She (looking more thoughtful) : Maybe I should buy a burqa.
He: Now you are blowing this out of proportion!
She: Why don't you tint your car windows black?
Me: I am very hungry.
He: Ok…I am sorry. I shouldn’t have bought this issue up at all.
She: Shall I put some curtains over my boobs? Why should people see it jutting out!
Me: The upholstery looks rather yum!
He: Can we forget this please!!! Let’s go for dinner. Anju must be starving.
Me: Thank you *sob*
She: I think Anju and I will get down, just like that and have dinner at home.
He: Fine!! Do what you want.
She (sweetly) : Thank you. Anju lets go. You can make us an omelet.
Me: Sure! Making an omelet is so easy. First we will go buy a gas cylinder, then a gas stove, then some pans, eggs, pepper, salt...oh yes. I forgot! Ze most important ingredient of all. Matchbox!!!
I am back home folks, after a dinner of Fanoos rolls, Vodka and Orange Juice, Vodka and Peach Crush (ugh) , Vodka and Sprite and Vodka and Tomato Juice (when everything else ran out) accompanied by GF cursing BF and the both of us cursing global warming, George Bush, the price of Revlon Cosmetics, the Indian electorate, Bata shoes, traffic jams, Mondays, PMS and narrow minded men in general.
But the silver lining on this dark cloud is that “I am home for breakfast”. Yay!!
About my first statement….swolpa adjust maadi and forget about it. It was made under extreme hunger conditions.
Now if you people think that I have finally flipped it, then you are wrong. I haven’t. I flipped it long time back. This is my unmedicated run before those NIMHANS guys catch up with me.
I was at this dinner yesterday to celebrate my pal and her BF's second "Seeing-each-other-across-a-crowded-room-and-eyes-meeting" anniversary. The BF picked me up first and then we proceeded to my friends place to pick her up. My friend lets call her SD was waiting at the doorstep in a slinky black outfit that showed a decent amount of her cleavage. Decent as in 'decent' and not "indecent" if you know what I mean. The BF looks at her in eye-balls popping out kinda horror, composes himself, forces a smile and tells her in mock unseriousness that her neck line was a trifle low. My friend, who mistook his mock unserious look and presumed that he was cool with it, replied rather flippantly that she liked to live dangerously. Yours truly in the meantime was forgotten by the 'much-in-love-but-now-teetering dangerously-on-the-verge-of-a-split-up' couple. I knew what was coming and I wished I was at home listening to Cecily aunty talk about her varicose veins.
Back to the scene of action. BF explained with mock affection that he didn’t want other men ogling at his GF's assets. GF countered with a stiff smile that if he had no problem with people looking at her face then why would he have problems with people looking at her cleavage?
BF looked like he would bust a blood vessel but managed to give an 'I-am-ok-with-it-but-I-am-just-making-an-observation' kinda look….though rather unsuccessfully. Back in the rear seat, I dreamt of going out for dinner with friends who are not that close to you and will hence refrain but picking up a fight till 'you' have been dropped home after the dinner. It is then the realization dawned upon me that I have far too many close friends and not too many not-so-close friends.
[Note to self: What happened to your last years resolutions of making not-so-close friends ???]
BF turned around to me for help and knowing from experience that none will be forthcoming, pleaded with me to keep my mouth shut. GF who was still standing outside the car of course didn’t hear his appeal. Neither did I.
GF slid in with a dangerous glint in her eyes. She was beginning to get a trifle suspicious that BF was a rabid moralist. Her guard was up and she was getting defensive. I groaned partially with hunger and partially due to the fact that I was very hungry.
A ‘friendly’ argument ensued which I tried to close as soon as possible due to my growing hunger for food and some peace and quite. But the spark of an argument was lit and there was no turning back.
She: I am glad I got to see a new aspect to your personality today.
He: It's not like that!!!
Me: I am hungry!
She (looking thoughtful) : Maybe I should have started showing a little cleavage in the beginning of our acquaintance itself. Would have saved me two years of trouble!
He: It' not like that sweety
She: Stop calling me sweety!
Me: I am hungry!
She (looking more thoughtful) : Maybe I should buy a burqa.
He: Now you are blowing this out of proportion!
She: Why don't you tint your car windows black?
Me: I am very hungry.
He: Ok…I am sorry. I shouldn’t have bought this issue up at all.
She: Shall I put some curtains over my boobs? Why should people see it jutting out!
Me: The upholstery looks rather yum!
He: Can we forget this please!!! Let’s go for dinner. Anju must be starving.
Me: Thank you *sob*
She: I think Anju and I will get down, just like that and have dinner at home.
He: Fine!! Do what you want.
She (sweetly) : Thank you. Anju lets go. You can make us an omelet.
Me: Sure! Making an omelet is so easy. First we will go buy a gas cylinder, then a gas stove, then some pans, eggs, pepper, salt...oh yes. I forgot! Ze most important ingredient of all. Matchbox!!!
I am back home folks, after a dinner of Fanoos rolls, Vodka and Orange Juice, Vodka and Peach Crush (ugh) , Vodka and Sprite and Vodka and Tomato Juice (when everything else ran out) accompanied by GF cursing BF and the both of us cursing global warming, George Bush, the price of Revlon Cosmetics, the Indian electorate, Bata shoes, traffic jams, Mondays, PMS and narrow minded men in general.
But the silver lining on this dark cloud is that “I am home for breakfast”. Yay!!
About my first statement….swolpa adjust maadi and forget about it. It was made under extreme hunger conditions.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
A few good men...
Tis a few weeks before Christmas and all through the house not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse. (Well… that’s because the neighbor’s stupid cat is a champion mouser.) The house is empty save for the noise of my keyboard tap tapping away. My mom is out for a prayer meeting. The prayer meeting is for a departed soul, but I know she will cheat and pray that I get some sense into my head. Dad is out for an achayan get-together. One bro is out of town and the other is out cold....with a hangover. So technically, I am alone in the house with my doggies. The baby squirrel has flown the coup….sob
Usually an empty house makes me feel like an orphan and I go all teary eyed and feel very sorry for myself. But today I am in an introspective mood. So I will go teary eyed and feel sorry for myself after I have written this post.
Since the time I have started working I have resigned twice. I lasted approximately three months in my first job.
HR: What!! You have resigned???
Me: err… I hope the resignation letter doesn’t convey anything else!
HR: Why have you resigned?
Me: I don’t want to work here anymore.
HR (irritably): That I know. But why have you resigned?
Me: Like I told you before, I don’t want to work here anymore.
HR (trying not to shout): And why don’t you want to work here any more?
Me: Because I don’t like this place.
HR (kindly): This is your first job dear?
Me: Yes :(
HR: What I am trying to ask is, why are you unhappy here?
Me: Because I cannot finish the tasks assigned to me.
HR: Why? What’s coming in the way of your work?
Me: Well…I am finding it hard to finish one brochure a month…
HR: Only one brochure!! And you say that it is a difficult thing to do??
Me: And the 14 Print ads
HR: What?!
Me: and 34 Web banners…
HR: err…
Me: And 4 Flash Presentations….
HR: Well…
Me: And the 24 Product Specifications Leaflets
HR: *squirm*
Me: and the 5 Events per month, the Managers Speech at the events, presentations, letter to the stake holders, website content writing…besides the monthly Internal newsletters, Channel Newsletter, Dealer Newsletter, ….
HR: %$^#&#& who is your manager???!!!
I don’t know what happened after that. But I am sure the Manager got a good ticking off from the HR. Serves him right too!!
HR: How can you drive away such a juicy bakra?????
Manager: *gulp* I am sorry. I guess I got too carried away and over utilized her. It was kinda nice to see her working 20 hours a day. I think it was my latent tendency to sadism. I should have curbed it I know but….
HR: This is a grave indiscretion from your side!!! As a manager of this organization you are supposed to make the bakra feel like a “valuable resource”!!!! You made her feel like a *gasp* bakra!!! Shame on you!!!
Manager: *sob*
HR: I am afraid I will have to escalate this to the VP- Human Resources!
Manager (falling at her feet and breaking down): *bawl* Please forgive me. I promise I will never make a bakra feel like a bakra again!!
HR: Say “Pretty please”
Manager: Pretty pleeeeease.
HR: “With a cherry on top!”
Manager: With a $%#^# cherry on top!!
HR: Now kiss my boots!!
Manager: *muuuaah*
HR: You are forgiven this time!! Now stop groveling man and go interview the potential bakras I have lined up for you.
Manager: %$^#&# err I mean thank you!
Like I said “serves him right”
I think the necessary qualities of being a Manager, is the art of deception. The art of making your subordinate feel like a dimwit-you-erroneously-consider-very-clever. Now that must sound confusing to most people. But 'successful managers' as opposed to 'good managers' are adept in the art of convincing their subordinates, that they are no good and that they i.e their Manager is not aware of this fact. This keeps the subordinate on their toes and the manager happy. A win win situation for the manager and a win win situation kinda feeling for the employee. I am sure there is an Institute where Managers enroll to learn about the finer aspects of man management.
Professor: And now class, how do you make your subordinate work 18 hours days and still feel guilty that he is not putting in enough???
Managerial Student 1: I would congratulate him on his good performance and hint that he can do better!
Professor: Excellent!!!! And how do you induce cut throat competition in your team???
Managerial Student 1: By meeting each team member separately and telling them they have more potential than the next guy??
Professor: Bravo!!!! I am so proud of you!
Managerial Student 2: Sir, I beg to differ. I think a good manager should acknowledge his subordinate when he is doing well and help him do better if he is not upto the expectations.
Professor: Horrors!!! Whoever gave you admission into this Institute???
Managerial Student 2: But Sir….
Professor: I am afraid you do not have it in you to be a good manager. You are a bad influence on the other students too. We will have to remove you from our rolls. Goodbye son!
Sound of a resounding *THUD* as two hefty men throw Managerial Student 2 out of the Institute gate.
Guess people like him joins the ranks of Managers who come up the hard way through hard work, building responsive interpersonal relationships, good finance sense, team building, recognizing and rewarding good work and improving morale of slackers and leadership through example. May their tribe increase and join the ranks of my last boss and present boss. Amen!
Funny...now I dont feel so sorry for myself!
Usually an empty house makes me feel like an orphan and I go all teary eyed and feel very sorry for myself. But today I am in an introspective mood. So I will go teary eyed and feel sorry for myself after I have written this post.
Since the time I have started working I have resigned twice. I lasted approximately three months in my first job.
HR: What!! You have resigned???
Me: err… I hope the resignation letter doesn’t convey anything else!
HR: Why have you resigned?
Me: I don’t want to work here anymore.
HR (irritably): That I know. But why have you resigned?
Me: Like I told you before, I don’t want to work here anymore.
HR (trying not to shout): And why don’t you want to work here any more?
Me: Because I don’t like this place.
HR (kindly): This is your first job dear?
Me: Yes :(
HR: What I am trying to ask is, why are you unhappy here?
Me: Because I cannot finish the tasks assigned to me.
HR: Why? What’s coming in the way of your work?
Me: Well…I am finding it hard to finish one brochure a month…
HR: Only one brochure!! And you say that it is a difficult thing to do??
Me: And the 14 Print ads
HR: What?!
Me: and 34 Web banners…
HR: err…
Me: And 4 Flash Presentations….
HR: Well…
Me: And the 24 Product Specifications Leaflets
HR: *squirm*
Me: and the 5 Events per month, the Managers Speech at the events, presentations, letter to the stake holders, website content writing…besides the monthly Internal newsletters, Channel Newsletter, Dealer Newsletter, ….
HR: %$^#&#& who is your manager???!!!
I don’t know what happened after that. But I am sure the Manager got a good ticking off from the HR. Serves him right too!!
HR: How can you drive away such a juicy bakra?????
Manager: *gulp* I am sorry. I guess I got too carried away and over utilized her. It was kinda nice to see her working 20 hours a day. I think it was my latent tendency to sadism. I should have curbed it I know but….
HR: This is a grave indiscretion from your side!!! As a manager of this organization you are supposed to make the bakra feel like a “valuable resource”!!!! You made her feel like a *gasp* bakra!!! Shame on you!!!
Manager: *sob*
HR: I am afraid I will have to escalate this to the VP- Human Resources!
Manager (falling at her feet and breaking down): *bawl* Please forgive me. I promise I will never make a bakra feel like a bakra again!!
HR: Say “Pretty please”
Manager: Pretty pleeeeease.
HR: “With a cherry on top!”
Manager: With a $%#^# cherry on top!!
HR: Now kiss my boots!!
Manager: *muuuaah*
HR: You are forgiven this time!! Now stop groveling man and go interview the potential bakras I have lined up for you.
Manager: %$^#&# err I mean thank you!
Like I said “serves him right”
I think the necessary qualities of being a Manager, is the art of deception. The art of making your subordinate feel like a dimwit-you-erroneously-consider-very-clever. Now that must sound confusing to most people. But 'successful managers' as opposed to 'good managers' are adept in the art of convincing their subordinates, that they are no good and that they i.e their Manager is not aware of this fact. This keeps the subordinate on their toes and the manager happy. A win win situation for the manager and a win win situation kinda feeling for the employee. I am sure there is an Institute where Managers enroll to learn about the finer aspects of man management.
Professor: And now class, how do you make your subordinate work 18 hours days and still feel guilty that he is not putting in enough???
Managerial Student 1: I would congratulate him on his good performance and hint that he can do better!
Professor: Excellent!!!! And how do you induce cut throat competition in your team???
Managerial Student 1: By meeting each team member separately and telling them they have more potential than the next guy??
Professor: Bravo!!!! I am so proud of you!
Managerial Student 2: Sir, I beg to differ. I think a good manager should acknowledge his subordinate when he is doing well and help him do better if he is not upto the expectations.
Professor: Horrors!!! Whoever gave you admission into this Institute???
Managerial Student 2: But Sir….
Professor: I am afraid you do not have it in you to be a good manager. You are a bad influence on the other students too. We will have to remove you from our rolls. Goodbye son!
Sound of a resounding *THUD* as two hefty men throw Managerial Student 2 out of the Institute gate.
Guess people like him joins the ranks of Managers who come up the hard way through hard work, building responsive interpersonal relationships, good finance sense, team building, recognizing and rewarding good work and improving morale of slackers and leadership through example. May their tribe increase and join the ranks of my last boss and present boss. Amen!
Funny...now I dont feel so sorry for myself!
Friday, December 07, 2007
Cometh the hour, cometh the man!
It is a wet ,foggy, cold and gloomy Friday morning in Bangalore. A weather that can dampen the most cheerful disposition to depression. But every cloud has a silver lining they say. So true!
I step out of the house to hear this conversation between my Dad and his driver when they discover that the cars music system remote was stolen. This happened when the driver took the car home to have his breakfast and refuelling.
Dad: I wonder who would take the remote!!
Driver ( confidently): I know saar!!!
Dad (brightening up): Really! Who????
Driver: It was a thief saar!!! I am 100% sure of that!!! @#%$ Rascal!!!
I dont know what was funnier...the expression on my Dad's face or the drivers brilliant deduction!
Have a great weekend everyone!!
I step out of the house to hear this conversation between my Dad and his driver when they discover that the cars music system remote was stolen. This happened when the driver took the car home to have his breakfast and refuelling.
Dad: I wonder who would take the remote!!
Driver ( confidently): I know saar!!!
Dad (brightening up): Really! Who????
Driver: It was a thief saar!!! I am 100% sure of that!!! @#%$ Rascal!!!
I dont know what was funnier...the expression on my Dad's face or the drivers brilliant deduction!
Have a great weekend everyone!!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Minding my (bad) language...
Time and again I have people commenting at my blog (albeit ‘anonymously’), about my atrocious English, horrendous spellings and mortifying punctuating skills. Well I have never claimed that I was good in English have I? In fact this blog is a celebration of ‘English Language Underdogginess’!!! It is an affirmation that we, the poorly skilled in English, can also have our badly spelled and punctuated word heard.
Did I tell you that I barely passed English in school and college? I guess not. Well I did pass, but it had nothing to do with my knowledge of the language. I am sure I passed due to God smiling kindly at me (specially during English exams), pleased with my gentle, caring, loving, adorable, endearing, truthful, thoughtful, humble etc etc etc nature. ( My mother begs to disagree about this though.) Don't believe me? See for yourself!
11th Standard: The evaluator was an extremely kind lady. She actually cried when she read my essay in which I wrote about my unemployed Dad and my maid servant mom, who washes dishes in 31 houses to put me through college and English tuitions.
12th Standard: The evaluator was sick. She felt worse when she saw my paper. She gave me passing marks so that she didn't have to go through the horror of reading the entire paper.
First year BA: The evaluator was crossing the road and was hit by a scooterist. She was hospitalized and they had to rush in the Hindi evaluator to do the corrections. I got 99% this year. In the remarks column she wrote: Vary gud. Ek dum pass!!
Second year BA: The evaluator slept off and I copied from my Punju buddy Natasha. Natasha failed. I passed. She had submitted my paper by mistake. She never sat next to me again.
Third year BA: The evaluator had an enormous inferiority complex. When he saw my paper he felt so good that he passed me. He was also cured of his inferiority complex forever.
And thus peoples, pliss to forgive me poor English and give encouraging words like “You are the greatest blogger Silverine” etc so that I keep writing and do not get discouraged and develop really low self esteem and other conditions I cannot spell.
Did I tell you that I barely passed English in school and college? I guess not. Well I did pass, but it had nothing to do with my knowledge of the language. I am sure I passed due to God smiling kindly at me (specially during English exams), pleased with my gentle, caring, loving, adorable, endearing, truthful, thoughtful, humble etc etc etc nature. ( My mother begs to disagree about this though.) Don't believe me? See for yourself!
11th Standard: The evaluator was an extremely kind lady. She actually cried when she read my essay in which I wrote about my unemployed Dad and my maid servant mom, who washes dishes in 31 houses to put me through college and English tuitions.
12th Standard: The evaluator was sick. She felt worse when she saw my paper. She gave me passing marks so that she didn't have to go through the horror of reading the entire paper.
First year BA: The evaluator was crossing the road and was hit by a scooterist. She was hospitalized and they had to rush in the Hindi evaluator to do the corrections. I got 99% this year. In the remarks column she wrote: Vary gud. Ek dum pass!!
Second year BA: The evaluator slept off and I copied from my Punju buddy Natasha. Natasha failed. I passed. She had submitted my paper by mistake. She never sat next to me again.
Third year BA: The evaluator had an enormous inferiority complex. When he saw my paper he felt so good that he passed me. He was also cured of his inferiority complex forever.
And thus peoples, pliss to forgive me poor English and give encouraging words like “You are the greatest blogger Silverine” etc so that I keep writing and do not get discouraged and develop really low self esteem and other conditions I cannot spell.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Emotionally Yours!
Flash News!!
New Delhi: European aircraft maker Airbus Industrie is in talks with flag carrier Air India for sale of up to 12 super jumbo A-380 planes according to this Yahoo news. At a joint press conference in the capital, (where this reporter was debarred from attending, but she attended anyways by threatening to write a blog about Air India's service), attended by the COO of Airbus and The President of Air India, the Airbus CEO said that "we are hoping to close the deal as soon as we can before the world runs out of aviation fuel err I mean we are hoping to close this deal so that we can deliver the aircrafts as soon as we can."
The long range aircraft can enable an airline to fly to Delhi-Los Angles or Delhi-New York non-stop. The Airbus COO said he was considering Air India’s customization request and hoped to see the customized A-380 in Indian skies in the near future.
Speaking on the occasion the AI President said, that Air India will only accept aircrafts that are customized to its special requirements. When quizzed by the Press about the customization required by Air India, the AI President elaborated that to begin with, all its Airbus A-380’s will carry a multi specialty Geriatric hospital for its old stewards and stewardesses with complex medical, functional and psychosocial problems. This is to ensure that accurate diagnosis and appropriate treatment is given so that the AI cabin Crew, who will all be in their 80’s when the aircrafts are delivered, do not have to endure long lengths of stay in acute care.
The AI President said that the airline's goal is to prevent disability and restore its geriatric cabin crew to their highest possible level of independent functioning. This statement was greeted with thunderous applause by the AI Union members who left the bar to give the President a standing applause. After which they promptly went back to the bar and filling their bags with liquor, ice containers, bottle openers, peanuts, napkins etc. The bar tender said that this was the usual practice with AI staff and they were prepared for this eventuality. He didn’t elaborate how.
Secondly, the AI President said that the aisles of the customized aircraft will be at least 36 inches between objects so that its geriatric Air Hostesses and Stewards can easily navigate their wheelchairs or walkers.
Thirdly Aircraft lights will have plenty of options so that older eyes are not strained. The toilets will also be customised with rubber suction-grip mats to prevent slipping and grab bars on toilet wall to help with getting in or out of the toilet easier and safer for the geriatric crew.
Further, the aircraft galley will have a seated work area for food preparation tasks with close access to galley equipment so that AI's geriatric cabin crews have a comfortable work location.
Cabin Crew seats will provide good back support and special geriatric cushioning for comfort and the cushions will be securely fitted to the chair.
The customized Air India A-380 will provide adequate, easily accessible storage that doesn't require reaching, bending or straining by its senior cabin crew.
Firm yet comfortable beds with easy onto and off access with appropriate support and comfort will ensure that the senior staff will have a comfortable sleep during flights.
Passengers will be provided all their meal requirements in a sack while boarding so that they do not disturb the cabin crew too much.
And finally, the AI President said that all passengers desirous of traveling in the Air India A 380, will have to go through a six weeks intensive training at the Air India Institute of Graduate Certification in Geriatric Care Management.
Breaking news!!!
News has just come in that in one of the worst cases of poisoning caused by the consumption of illicit liquor, 400 Air India staffers were hospitalized in Delhi. Many who were in hospital have now been discharged, but they would probably suffer from side effects including an aversion to free liquor and possibly even a life time loss of taste for free peanuts. Watch this space for more news.
New Delhi: European aircraft maker Airbus Industrie is in talks with flag carrier Air India for sale of up to 12 super jumbo A-380 planes according to this Yahoo news. At a joint press conference in the capital, (where this reporter was debarred from attending, but she attended anyways by threatening to write a blog about Air India's service), attended by the COO of Airbus and The President of Air India, the Airbus CEO said that "we are hoping to close the deal as soon as we can before the world runs out of aviation fuel err I mean we are hoping to close this deal so that we can deliver the aircrafts as soon as we can."
The long range aircraft can enable an airline to fly to Delhi-Los Angles or Delhi-New York non-stop. The Airbus COO said he was considering Air India’s customization request and hoped to see the customized A-380 in Indian skies in the near future.
Speaking on the occasion the AI President said, that Air India will only accept aircrafts that are customized to its special requirements. When quizzed by the Press about the customization required by Air India, the AI President elaborated that to begin with, all its Airbus A-380’s will carry a multi specialty Geriatric hospital for its old stewards and stewardesses with complex medical, functional and psychosocial problems. This is to ensure that accurate diagnosis and appropriate treatment is given so that the AI cabin Crew, who will all be in their 80’s when the aircrafts are delivered, do not have to endure long lengths of stay in acute care.
The AI President said that the airline's goal is to prevent disability and restore its geriatric cabin crew to their highest possible level of independent functioning. This statement was greeted with thunderous applause by the AI Union members who left the bar to give the President a standing applause. After which they promptly went back to the bar and filling their bags with liquor, ice containers, bottle openers, peanuts, napkins etc. The bar tender said that this was the usual practice with AI staff and they were prepared for this eventuality. He didn’t elaborate how.
Secondly, the AI President said that the aisles of the customized aircraft will be at least 36 inches between objects so that its geriatric Air Hostesses and Stewards can easily navigate their wheelchairs or walkers.
Thirdly Aircraft lights will have plenty of options so that older eyes are not strained. The toilets will also be customised with rubber suction-grip mats to prevent slipping and grab bars on toilet wall to help with getting in or out of the toilet easier and safer for the geriatric crew.
Further, the aircraft galley will have a seated work area for food preparation tasks with close access to galley equipment so that AI's geriatric cabin crews have a comfortable work location.
Cabin Crew seats will provide good back support and special geriatric cushioning for comfort and the cushions will be securely fitted to the chair.
The customized Air India A-380 will provide adequate, easily accessible storage that doesn't require reaching, bending or straining by its senior cabin crew.
Firm yet comfortable beds with easy onto and off access with appropriate support and comfort will ensure that the senior staff will have a comfortable sleep during flights.
Passengers will be provided all their meal requirements in a sack while boarding so that they do not disturb the cabin crew too much.
And finally, the AI President said that all passengers desirous of traveling in the Air India A 380, will have to go through a six weeks intensive training at the Air India Institute of Graduate Certification in Geriatric Care Management.
Breaking news!!!
News has just come in that in one of the worst cases of poisoning caused by the consumption of illicit liquor, 400 Air India staffers were hospitalized in Delhi. Many who were in hospital have now been discharged, but they would probably suffer from side effects including an aversion to free liquor and possibly even a life time loss of taste for free peanuts. Watch this space for more news.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Corporate Correctness
Most of us have a ready-made e-mail signature in our mail application that saves us the time of signing each and every outgoing e-mail. Especially these days when we send umpteen mails in a day. Almost everyone has a favorite quote too, as a part of their e-mail signatures. As the Marketing and Communications person of my team, I am invariably cc’ed in many mails and I get to see some brilliant exchanges due to these ready made signatures. Here is an exchange that took place today. The email sign off is in blue font. The quotes in maroon font.
Dear Mohan,
Where is the Solutions Brochure??? I am fed up of reminding you and your lame excuses. I would like to cancel this order!!!!
Warm regards,
Sanjay
“One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.’
Dear Sanjay,
I have told you countless number of times that if you ask for a change at the last minute, it would delay the whole printing process. Why don’t you read your mails for gods sakes???
Have a nice day, take care...,
Brjesh
"For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness."
Brijesh and Sanjay,
I am appalled that the Brochures are yet to be delivered. My client will kill me. I am escalating this to the big boss!!!!! Silverine FYI
I remain yours truly…
Karthik
“Tolerance is giving to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself.”
Dear Karthik,
I suggest getting into the details of a case and not jumping the gun before ascertaining the facts and escalating matters.
Silverine FYI!!!!
My sincere thanks for your time and consideration,
Jayant
“Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it.”
While these heated exchanges are going on I can be seen doubled over my desk, laughing my guts off. My boss thinks I have the right work attitude and predicts that I will go far with this kind of a mindset. Of course I will, as I am in no hurry to point out to the stars of this ‘exchange’ how entertaining err I mean “corporately correct” is their emails.
Dear Mohan,
Where is the Solutions Brochure??? I am fed up of reminding you and your lame excuses. I would like to cancel this order!!!!
Warm regards,
Sanjay
“One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.’
Dear Sanjay,
I have told you countless number of times that if you ask for a change at the last minute, it would delay the whole printing process. Why don’t you read your mails for gods sakes???
Have a nice day, take care...,
Brjesh
"For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness."
Brijesh and Sanjay,
I am appalled that the Brochures are yet to be delivered. My client will kill me. I am escalating this to the big boss!!!!! Silverine FYI
I remain yours truly…
Karthik
“Tolerance is giving to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself.”
Dear Karthik,
I suggest getting into the details of a case and not jumping the gun before ascertaining the facts and escalating matters.
Silverine FYI!!!!
My sincere thanks for your time and consideration,
Jayant
“Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it.”
While these heated exchanges are going on I can be seen doubled over my desk, laughing my guts off. My boss thinks I have the right work attitude and predicts that I will go far with this kind of a mindset. Of course I will, as I am in no hurry to point out to the stars of this ‘exchange’ how entertaining err I mean “corporately correct” is their emails.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
How to co habit with your Finance Department and survive
Time and again I have people writing in, especially freshers, asking me for tips to avoid the common pitfalls freshers normally face in the corporate world. Some people have even suggested that I should give due mention to other departments too and not concentrate on HR, Facilities and Sysadmins only. I understand dear friends and apologize for the cruel oversight. And to show you that I mean well, today I shall take you on a tour of one of the most important departments in your organization, a department that is very dear to my heart and where I spend a lot of my time….The Finance Department!
If you are 'financials' challenged...like me, and quicken your pace when you pass the Finance department.... like me, and duck at the sight of the FM... like me and dream of pushing your accountant down the stairs...like me, then this tutorial is just the thing for you.
Given below are some terminologies with their meanings that will make your corporate life much easier and increase your chances of not picking up that gun and opening fire after blocking all exits of the finance department.
Proforma invoice: This is a bill that comes before the actual bill. It is not the actual bill but will be considered as a bill if the bill comes later.
The invoice: The invoice is the actual Bill, which the Proforma Invoice represented. But since it cannot be invoiced before the Proforma invoice it will be invoiced after the Proforma invoice. (see how easy it is no?)
Invoice (another definition): Same as above except for the small difference that it will be misplaced by the finance dept, so that you have to ask the Invoicer to make another Invoice to replace the “Invoice (another definition)”
Debit note: aaarrrghh... err I mean I am yet to delve into this properly. Will do so soon after I have finished by final "Clinical Depression" therapy at NIMHANS.
Debit note (another def): Same as "Invoice (another definition)" Replace 'Invoice" with 'Debit note'.
Cheque: According to a web definition, this is a negotiable instrument instructing your bank to pay your vendor. I am yet to see one. I would love to see one. Perhaps I will see one before I die. I am the eternal optimist.
Funds: An imaginary figure like fairies and elves that do not exist. "We do not have funds” is the motto of the finance department.
Advance: A non-existent word in the dictionary of FM's and Accountants. For academic interest it is half the amount of the Invoice that has to be paid in advance to your vendor (as per agreement that was approved by the FM himself) so that he can start work. People who believe in fairies and elves tend to believe in the existence of "advance" too. They are mostly found in mental institutions, sitting in the Psychiatrist's waiting room...with me.
Take home salary: A 1% amount of the figure promised to you when you got your job.
Income Tax: Very easy to calculate. Just reduce 30% from the 1% amount of the figure promised to you when you got your job.
Bill: A very sacred document that you must guard with your life unless you plan to pay for the amount mentioned in it yourself.
The bill (another definition): Guess you get the drift by now...
PAN No. : A number that you must ensure your Invoicer mentions when he invoices you or you may have to endure "Invoice (another definition)"
Account No.: Ditto as above.
PAN no (another definition): This is 'your' PAN number that you have give once when you join the office but hence forth have to give periodically, like once in two days, as the finance dept has an extremely short memory. In fact they have a very short memory for everything except 'collections'.
Collections: Money you have to claim back from various parties with whom you have undertaken joint marketing initiatives. My FM has very generously given me the option of deducting the same from my salary so that he doesn’t have to harass me and I am free to chase the "collectees" and collect the "collections". Such a nice man!
TDS (Tax Deducted at Source): An amount that will be deducted from the Invoice that will have your Invoicer a nice shade of blue in the face.
Reminders: Something that you do a lot like once every hour, so that "Invoice (another definition)" doesn’t happen.
Accountant: The guy who is mostly responsible for "Invoice (another definition)".
Copying machine: Something you learn to operate with the efficiency of an expert as you spend considerable amount of your time with it, copying Proforma, Invoices, Bills to avoid "Invoice (another definition)”.
Discount: A word that you use for every Invoice you submit for payment. Always remember that the Invoice amount is "after discounts". This makes FM's strangely very happy. Use liberally. If he is in a good mood he may even release your payment in a record-breaking speed of 6789 days. 6788 days if he is in a really really good mood.
FM: A very poor man.
Vendor: A very sad man.
The finance dept: The place to avoid if you have a fully loaded gun in your hands.
The FM's office: A place where you spend a half of your productive hours unproductively.
That’s it folks!! Hope the lesson was useful. Please note by vendors I mean, your event managers, ad agency, gift vendors etc.
Next edition, The HR Department oops I mean “Product Managers”
If you are 'financials' challenged...like me, and quicken your pace when you pass the Finance department.... like me, and duck at the sight of the FM... like me and dream of pushing your accountant down the stairs...like me, then this tutorial is just the thing for you.
Given below are some terminologies with their meanings that will make your corporate life much easier and increase your chances of not picking up that gun and opening fire after blocking all exits of the finance department.
Proforma invoice: This is a bill that comes before the actual bill. It is not the actual bill but will be considered as a bill if the bill comes later.
The invoice: The invoice is the actual Bill, which the Proforma Invoice represented. But since it cannot be invoiced before the Proforma invoice it will be invoiced after the Proforma invoice. (see how easy it is no?)
Invoice (another definition): Same as above except for the small difference that it will be misplaced by the finance dept, so that you have to ask the Invoicer to make another Invoice to replace the “Invoice (another definition)”
Debit note: aaarrrghh... err I mean I am yet to delve into this properly. Will do so soon after I have finished by final "Clinical Depression" therapy at NIMHANS.
Debit note (another def): Same as "Invoice (another definition)" Replace 'Invoice" with 'Debit note'.
Cheque: According to a web definition, this is a negotiable instrument instructing your bank to pay your vendor. I am yet to see one. I would love to see one. Perhaps I will see one before I die. I am the eternal optimist.
Funds: An imaginary figure like fairies and elves that do not exist. "We do not have funds” is the motto of the finance department.
Advance: A non-existent word in the dictionary of FM's and Accountants. For academic interest it is half the amount of the Invoice that has to be paid in advance to your vendor (as per agreement that was approved by the FM himself) so that he can start work. People who believe in fairies and elves tend to believe in the existence of "advance" too. They are mostly found in mental institutions, sitting in the Psychiatrist's waiting room...with me.
Take home salary: A 1% amount of the figure promised to you when you got your job.
Income Tax: Very easy to calculate. Just reduce 30% from the 1% amount of the figure promised to you when you got your job.
Bill: A very sacred document that you must guard with your life unless you plan to pay for the amount mentioned in it yourself.
The bill (another definition): Guess you get the drift by now...
PAN No. : A number that you must ensure your Invoicer mentions when he invoices you or you may have to endure "Invoice (another definition)"
Account No.: Ditto as above.
PAN no (another definition): This is 'your' PAN number that you have give once when you join the office but hence forth have to give periodically, like once in two days, as the finance dept has an extremely short memory. In fact they have a very short memory for everything except 'collections'.
Collections: Money you have to claim back from various parties with whom you have undertaken joint marketing initiatives. My FM has very generously given me the option of deducting the same from my salary so that he doesn’t have to harass me and I am free to chase the "collectees" and collect the "collections". Such a nice man!
TDS (Tax Deducted at Source): An amount that will be deducted from the Invoice that will have your Invoicer a nice shade of blue in the face.
Reminders: Something that you do a lot like once every hour, so that "Invoice (another definition)" doesn’t happen.
Accountant: The guy who is mostly responsible for "Invoice (another definition)".
Copying machine: Something you learn to operate with the efficiency of an expert as you spend considerable amount of your time with it, copying Proforma, Invoices, Bills to avoid "Invoice (another definition)”.
Discount: A word that you use for every Invoice you submit for payment. Always remember that the Invoice amount is "after discounts". This makes FM's strangely very happy. Use liberally. If he is in a good mood he may even release your payment in a record-breaking speed of 6789 days. 6788 days if he is in a really really good mood.
FM: A very poor man.
Vendor: A very sad man.
The finance dept: The place to avoid if you have a fully loaded gun in your hands.
The FM's office: A place where you spend a half of your productive hours unproductively.
That’s it folks!! Hope the lesson was useful. Please note by vendors I mean, your event managers, ad agency, gift vendors etc.
Next edition, The HR Department oops I mean “Product Managers”
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Much ado about somethings
PG Rating: Very very very very long post.
Tsk tsk
Now I am no Microsoft fan. I don’t care if MS Windows and MS Office were made by Pyarelal Ghanshyamdas Popatlal and Sons. Really!!! The name or the brand does not matter. I am too used to MS Office and I found Open Office and Thunderbird a pain to deal with for the six months I used it.
(..and if you are wondering why I am sitting in the toilet, it is because my Boss is a thorough gentleman you see. He will never enter the ladies toilet no matter what I have done. And you guessed right...I do spend a considerable amount of time in here )
Ever tried the ‘Bill Gates Live Meeting’? I do it all the time…and I get the same result... “Please download Live Meeting” Now after downloading Live Meeting, you sign in and enter the meeting area which is actually a small window that pops up on your monitor. You can see a screen and a small box with seating arrangements. Your name will automatically get added to one of the seats and you can see the meeting moderator’s cursor moving back and forth on the screen.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Weekend blues
There are those days when all goes well and even God seems to be taking a nap from his 24/7 vigil of the Universe, especially of the troublesome beings on planet Earth. Those are the days when you settle into the comfortable routine of bliss, bliss and more bliss …you forget the tough days and sometimes even *gasp* grumble about the uneventful pace of you life. And then wham!!! God wakes up and realizes to his horror that his people have become too complacent and fiddles with the buttons and knobs on his heavenly console to put the fear of God in us again.
I was having a really nice Saturday yesterday, my third nice Saturday in a row when my grandma’s youngest sister dropped in.
Ammachi: Why are you home? You don’t have a job?
Me: Today is Saturday ammachi. It is a non working day.
Ammachi: *snort* I never heard such a thing before!! Young people like you should be working and not resting at your age.
Me: No you don’t understand…
Ammachi: Where is your brother working now?
Me: Same company ammachi.
Ammachi: And Molly’s son Vincent?
Me: Infosys
Ammachi: In... fo...????
Me: Infosys!!
Ammachi: What?
Me: In....fo....sy......is
Ammachi: *grumble* What a name!! And Benny?
Me: Accenture!
Ammachi: Huh?
Me: Ack…sen… chur!
Ammachi: *blank expression*
Me (patiently): That’s a company ammachi!
Ammachi: hmm
Me: I gotta go now ammachi...
Ammachi (imperiously) : Sit down!!!
Me (meekly): Ok ammachi.
Ammachi: Where is Rohan now?
Me: IIM
Ammachi: Huh!
Me (shouting): Eye Eye Yem!!!!
Ammachi: *grumble* You don't have to shout you know!! I am not deaf!! And where is Sebastian now?
Me: ITC
Ammachi: What?
Me: %$#& Malabar Beedi
Ammachi: Oh! And Betsy?
Me: Kerala Rubber Factory (She is with an IT co in Mumbai)
Ammachi: And Korah?
Me: Kochi Industries (he is with a Bank in Delhi)
Ammachi: Ende daivamey!! (OMG)
Me: What happened?
Ammachi : That Sebby, Betsy and Korah!!! *lowering her voice* They are not doing too well are they?
Me: *censored*
Guess who all are not talking to me since yesterday! *sigh*
I was having a really nice Saturday yesterday, my third nice Saturday in a row when my grandma’s youngest sister dropped in.
Ammachi: Why are you home? You don’t have a job?
Me: Today is Saturday ammachi. It is a non working day.
Ammachi: *snort* I never heard such a thing before!! Young people like you should be working and not resting at your age.
Me: No you don’t understand…
Ammachi: Where is your brother working now?
Me: Same company ammachi.
Ammachi: And Molly’s son Vincent?
Me: Infosys
Ammachi: In... fo...????
Me: Infosys!!
Ammachi: What?
Me: In....fo....sy......is
Ammachi: *grumble* What a name!! And Benny?
Me: Accenture!
Ammachi: Huh?
Me: Ack…sen… chur!
Ammachi: *blank expression*
Me (patiently): That’s a company ammachi!
Ammachi: hmm
Me: I gotta go now ammachi...
Ammachi (imperiously) : Sit down!!!
Me (meekly): Ok ammachi.
Ammachi: Where is Rohan now?
Me: IIM
Ammachi: Huh!
Me (shouting): Eye Eye Yem!!!!
Ammachi: *grumble* You don't have to shout you know!! I am not deaf!! And where is Sebastian now?
Me: ITC
Ammachi: What?
Me: %$#& Malabar Beedi
Ammachi: Oh! And Betsy?
Me: Kerala Rubber Factory (She is with an IT co in Mumbai)
Ammachi: And Korah?
Me: Kochi Industries (he is with a Bank in Delhi)
Ammachi: Ende daivamey!! (OMG)
Me: What happened?
Ammachi : That Sebby, Betsy and Korah!!! *lowering her voice* They are not doing too well are they?
Me: *censored*
Guess who all are not talking to me since yesterday! *sigh*
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Some legitimate biases
Overheard this conversation between my Dad and my second bro M today.
Dad: Looks like an awful number of your friends are getting admitted in hospital for bike accidents!
M (indignantly): How can you say that ???? Only Jeevan, Kiran, Adrian, Vinod, Joseph and Kevin have had accidents ... and Dhanush and Hitesh, and oh yes Mrinal...but that was only last month!!
Dad ( sarcastically): Sorry!
Dad: Looks like an awful number of your friends are getting admitted in hospital for bike accidents!
M (indignantly): How can you say that ???? Only Jeevan, Kiran, Adrian, Vinod, Joseph and Kevin have had accidents ... and Dhanush and Hitesh, and oh yes Mrinal...but that was only last month!!
Dad ( sarcastically): Sorry!
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Service with a smile and lots of grimace
Dear Ms Anjali,
Just a small Notepad to let you know that the IT Help Desk will receive complaints from 9 am to 8 pm ONLY regarding your PC/Laptop/Network etc ONLY! For the 457th time, we are giving you a list of services we do and do not do. Kindly note that:
1. We do not do DVD writing of movies.
2. It doesn’t matter if you are not going to sell it but use it at home
3. And no, we do not want to keep a copy. Thank you for the offer.
4. Please stop coming to our desk and pouting. The guys here are human you know!
5. Stop calling me DHMS. ( Disturbingly Handsome Mallu Sysadmin)
6. Of course I know you call me that.
7. And I do like it I admit.
8. Hope you mean it.
9. hehe I am blushing ( p.s do you really mean it? Ping me)
10. We have given you 456 mouse till date.
11. And 567 Data Cables.
12. Where are they?
13. Please do not use the Internal Messenger to diss your boss.
14. He is a bloody pain in the butt I agree.
15. If I ever find his laptop alone …never mind
16. Windows XP is dead. So quit whining and make do with Windows Vista.
17. And since you use Windows Vista, please back up your files every hour on a DVD/CD/External HDD/USB
18. Your laptop battery is being used by RS. You are using PC’s laptop battery. Your LCD screen being used by IA and your DVD reader has to be returned to NM. Please surrender your present Lappie LCD Screen as it belongs to PS, the extra 1 GB RAM belongs to SS and he needs it urgently. We will give you RK’s laptop till GH is back from Timbuktoo. He is currently using your laptop motherboard.
19. There is no need to nail your external monitor onto your table. We are not going to replace it with the really bad ones we keep in our cupboard.
20. Please remove the cute little bunny sticker from your laptop when you give it for repairs. We will not be responsible if it is misplaced.
22. Stop calling me from different extensions so that I will pick up your call. It is downright sneaky!!!!
23. And stop hiding behind pillars to catch me. That's highly unfair!!
24. And *sigh* please stop leaving notes in the Smoking Area for me. I swear I read all your service request mails before I delete them.
26. Please call me when you bring chakka and meen curry for lunch.
25. I know you won’t but… did you know we are expecting a shipment of the new Nokia phones soon? You don’t want to be stuck with that old junk do you? Heh heh
26. And last but not the least, WE DO NOT ISSUE BOSE SPEAKERS!
Warm regards,
Sysadmin
Service is our motto!
Yep, you guessed right. It is ‘bash-your-sysadmin’ week again!
Just a small Notepad to let you know that the IT Help Desk will receive complaints from 9 am to 8 pm ONLY regarding your PC/Laptop/Network etc ONLY! For the 457th time, we are giving you a list of services we do and do not do. Kindly note that:
1. We do not do DVD writing of movies.
2. It doesn’t matter if you are not going to sell it but use it at home
3. And no, we do not want to keep a copy. Thank you for the offer.
4. Please stop coming to our desk and pouting. The guys here are human you know!
5. Stop calling me DHMS. ( Disturbingly Handsome Mallu Sysadmin)
6. Of course I know you call me that.
7. And I do like it I admit.
8. Hope you mean it.
9. hehe I am blushing ( p.s do you really mean it? Ping me)
10. We have given you 456 mouse till date.
11. And 567 Data Cables.
12. Where are they?
13. Please do not use the Internal Messenger to diss your boss.
14. He is a bloody pain in the butt I agree.
15. If I ever find his laptop alone …never mind
16. Windows XP is dead. So quit whining and make do with Windows Vista.
17. And since you use Windows Vista, please back up your files every hour on a DVD/CD/External HDD/USB
18. Your laptop battery is being used by RS. You are using PC’s laptop battery. Your LCD screen being used by IA and your DVD reader has to be returned to NM. Please surrender your present Lappie LCD Screen as it belongs to PS, the extra 1 GB RAM belongs to SS and he needs it urgently. We will give you RK’s laptop till GH is back from Timbuktoo. He is currently using your laptop motherboard.
19. There is no need to nail your external monitor onto your table. We are not going to replace it with the really bad ones we keep in our cupboard.
20. Please remove the cute little bunny sticker from your laptop when you give it for repairs. We will not be responsible if it is misplaced.
22. Stop calling me from different extensions so that I will pick up your call. It is downright sneaky!!!!
23. And stop hiding behind pillars to catch me. That's highly unfair!!
24. And *sigh* please stop leaving notes in the Smoking Area for me. I swear I read all your service request mails before I delete them.
26. Please call me when you bring chakka and meen curry for lunch.
25. I know you won’t but… did you know we are expecting a shipment of the new Nokia phones soon? You don’t want to be stuck with that old junk do you? Heh heh
26. And last but not the least, WE DO NOT ISSUE BOSE SPEAKERS!
Warm regards,
Sysadmin
Service is our motto!
Yep, you guessed right. It is ‘bash-your-sysadmin’ week again!
Saturday, October 13, 2007
On the wrong end of the phone line
Among the numerous calls for Credit Card, Debit Cards, Personal Loans, deliberate wrong numbers by guys and other calls that I get, yesterday I got a telecall of a different nature:
Me: No this is “Miss” XYZ
Caller: Oh sorry Sir!
Me: Never mind. What do you want?
Caller: Where are you working?
Me: And why do you want to know that?
Caller: We have an exciting job opportunity with a
Me: Well…right now I am not interested in a change…
Caller: This is one of the largest MNC’s in the
Me: Thank you for your interest, but right now I am quite happy where I am…
Caller: This is a big opportunity for career advancement Sir!!
Me ( cutting in) : How did you get my number?
Caller: From your resume Sir!
Me: How did you get my resume?
Caller: From a job site madam.
Me: But I do not have my resume on any of the job sites!
Caller: errr I don’t know Sir from where our procurement team got your resume. But this is just the opening for someone like you!
Me: What do you mean someone like me?
Caller: Someone with your kind of experience and job profile. We have short listed your resume after careful consideration Madam.
Me: Really? And on what basis did you select my resume. Eenie Meenie Minee Mo method? Heh heh
Caller: No ma, our Procurement Team works with our Internal Process Team to ensure a perfect match!!
Me: Oh ok!
Caller: And money is not a problem here. You can earn upto a crore a year!
Me: Which company is this? The Grand Bank Robbery Inc? ha ha...
Caller: No Sir. It is ABC Life.
Me: %#$*#$ *SLAM*
I hope ABC Life Insurance has its a**e covered with it’s most Premium A**e Covering Scheme because if I get one more call from their Placement Agency and I will sue them to kingdom come.
Caller: Miss ABC are you single?
ABC: Yes!
Caller: Are you planning to get married anytime soon?
ABC: Yes!
Caller: In that case we have an exciting and promising proposal for you. He is 5 feet 11 inches tall, MBA, wheatish complexion and a teetotaler. Doesn’t smoke, is God fearing…..
The future is so bright for telecallers. *groan*
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Old wives hairy tales
Saturday morning and my best friend Nina drops in. She is amongst the 345 other ‘best friends’ I have ( psst don’t tell her this). Now Nina is very nifty with the scissors. I mean she is quite good in giving a neat trim for our tresses that saves most of us a trip to the salon and a mean Rs 300/-. 'Money saved is money well spent' is our Sorority motto.
Amma: Sure dear. After you are married you can do anything you want.
Me: Anything????
Amma: Yes!!
Me: And can I become Sheik Al Arabis 18th wife? He has a mean swimming pool you know!!!
Amma: of course mole!!! Anything after your are married! *angelic smile*
MIL: Entamoooooo!!!
FIL: Idhu chadhi aannu!! grr
Bridegrooms brother: Dad!! Mom!! We cannot stay here a minute longer!!
Bridegroom’s sister: This is an insult to our family!
Broker to my Dad: You ruined my reputation.
My Mom: My heart is paining *gasp*
My Dad: Someone call the doctor!!
FIL: We are leaving. I consider it an insult to even drink water in this house.
My Dad: Nooooo please don’t do this. Pleeeeeaaaase!! I beg of you. Please don't go.... *sob*
The Bridegrooms family drives away in a huff.
Scene at our
Scene at my mothers house in Changanassery
Aundy 2: *wail*
Aundy 3: *bawl*
Aundy 4: *sob*
Aundy5: *swoon* *thud*
Scene at my Dads tharavaadu (ancestral house) in Pala.
Uncle three: Our niece has done us proud. This occasion calls for a Scotch I say!
Uncle four: *smile*
Uncle five: And Scotch it is!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
