Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Road Vultures

Have you seen the Red Cross sticker that doctors usually sport on their vehicles, so that they can be flagged down in case of an emergency on the road? My new mallu neighbor, who has just completed his studies and got a job, also has a similar sticker on his car. It is a smart sticker proclaiming his professions as - you won’t believe this - “LAWYER”!

Neat isn’t it?

Now if you have a legal emergency on the roads, all you need to look out for is a car with a “Lawyer” sticker and flag it down for Legal First Aid.

Person: Sir, There has been a terrible incident.
Lawyer (taking out his notebook): Tell me what happened my man!
Person: I was parking my car into this slot when this man beat me to it.
Lawyer: That is not fair!
Person: And then he stuck his tongue out at me and said naah naah naah!
Lawyer (writing furiously): This is despicable and unacceptable!!
Person: Then he laughed at me and called me “Slow Joe” *sob*
Lawyer (tearing the page): Atrocious!! Here take this note and rush yourself to my office. We will teach that bugger a lesson in no time at all.
Person: Oh My God!! This note says Lawyer charges is Rs 10,000/- :-O
Lawyer: That’s after discount my friend. I am in a good mood today.
Person: *swoon* *thud*
Lawyer: Ambulance!!

This is my last post for this year. Thanks for your patience and for dropping by to read my demented rants. Wishing you all a very Happy New Year 2010!! Have a blast this weekend and pray that I do not become yet another statistic in Goa! :)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas in Achayanland!

Its Christmas time dearies. The hills and rubber estates are alive with the sound of chopping, cutting, whisking, tasting, cursing and vice versa, plus the aromas of much cooking happening. Achayanland is a very happening place now! You have to just walk by homes to predict exactly what they are going to have for Christmas lunch.

Susan: Gasp, the Pallikunnels are having Pepper Liver Fry for Christmas lunch!
Mother in law: #$#%@% didn’t I tell you to buy liver you %$#@ woman!!!
Susan: *Sob* I am going to the market right now ammachi!

Markets are groaning under the invasion of ladies who have just discovered what their neighbors are making for Christmas.

Mary: Hello Jincy, What brings you to the market today?
Jincy: Chumma, I just came for a breath of fresh air.
Mary (covering her nose to avoid the horrible stench of the fish market): Me too!
Jincy: I see that you have bought Quails!
Mary: Damn!!! Err… yes and those Prawns in your bag look very fresh!
Jincy: Damn! I should have covered them, I mean yes, and they are very fresh, but you never know. It may be rotten also!
Mary: Sure, sure and that is why you bought them I suppose. To help the poor fish fellow get rid of the rotten Prawns.
Jincy (sarcastically): Yes, it is Christmas no! Time to help our fellow human beings!
Mary: Hmmph! I gotta go now. Got loads of work at home!
Jincy: Same here. Bye
Mary: Ahem… the way to your home is this way no? Then why are you going towards the Quail shop?
Jincy: I feel like a nice long walk that’s why!
Mary: And I so believe it!
Jincy: What did you say!
Mary (hastily): I said bye.

Mary and Jincy will then be seen frantically shopping for Prawns and Quails after this exchange.

Achayan families are of the belief that Christmas is a time of cooking and cooking and cooking till there is nothing left to cook.

Aunt: And what is left to cook now?
Another Aunt: I think we have covered every animal and edible living things.
Aunt: There must be something we have left out!
Another Aunt: You are right. I am getting that feeling to. Tomorrow at lunch time I will remember and that would be so embarrassing no?
Aunt: I hope such fate never befalls even our enemies!
Another Aunt: *shudder* Amen!

And that’s when we the kids run way from home. Kidding folks. We are too scared to run away. You don’t mess with dem achayathis. They are formidable ladies. Last time a guest ran out of the house in panic he had the hostess in hot pursuit balancing a plate of achappam and cake on one hand and some chicken stew and some idiappams on another.

What really happens at the lunch table after the above mentioned exchange is this:

Uncle: This beef fry is quite nice!
Aunt (evenly): That’s Brinjal dry fry!
Uncle: This fish curry is pretty good!
Aunt: That is not Fish. It is mutton…sniff!

Then there is total silence at the table.

The true spirit of Christmas is buried beneath mounds of food in Achayanland and we are yet to discover it. Perhaps, we will one day, when we have stopped eating our way to heaven/hell. And it is the reason I feel that the Church invented Advent (a sort of pre Christmas upwaas).

First Pope: We need to invent an event that will put dem Achayan out of the business of feeding.
Saint Austerity: How about a period of fasting and abstinence before Christmas your eminence?
Pope: What a wonderful idea!! Let them fast for six months before Christmas!!!
Saint Austerity: Err your holiness; we are talking of achayans here. You know the incorrigible race even God regrets creating!
Pope: Sigh, okay make it two months then.
Saint Austerity: Won’t work dude!
Pope (irritably): Okay okay, make it a couple of weeks then.
Saint Austerity (bowing deeply): Will do your eminence!
Pope: And most importantly…
Saint Austerity: Yes?
Pope: You call me ‘dude’ one more time and I will whip your holy a**e to hell!!!
Saint Austerity: Gulp, yes your eminence!

If Christmas lunch is not enough, we have post Christmas family visits to further endanger the bursting walls of our intestines. But by now, we have become experts in managing this. The moment we see the lady of the house walking in with a groaning tray, we whip out our Microtome knives, slice a piece of cake the thicknesses of 10 to 100 ┬Ám and exclaim “Delicious Aunty! This is so tasty that I will let the taste linger by not taking another bite of anything else you offer me.”

And then we haul our sorry selves back to Bangalore vowing never to eat another morsel of food till next Christmas. And that is the true Advent folks. The Church got it all wrong, or didn’t they? :-S You never know with them devious Priests!

p.s. if you need to verify if someone is a true blue achayan, ask him for the definition of Christmas. A true blue achayan will never get it right!

MERRY CHRISTMAS DEAR FRIENDS! May we discover the true spirit of Christmas. By we, I mean my people! :p

Monday, December 21, 2009

Gullible's travails

“Hey!! There is a Facebook community called Incorrigibly Good Looking Mallus” said my friend excitedly!

“Yawn, so what else is new”, I remarked listlessly, the tiredness of the busiest year of my life, pinning me down to the couch.

Dekh na” insisted this Gujju Mallu gal. “Let us do some vayinokking (ogling) yaar.”

“Not interested” I said, turning to the other side and promptly falling asleep. The other two girls in the room did not take their eyes off the TV.

There was peace for an hour or so, and then I was brutally woken up by friend shaking me violently. Her eyes were wide and she looked like she had seen a ghost.

“You won’t believe what I found.” she said cupping her hand to her mouth.

“What!!!” I asked, sitting up straight, sensing something to be terribly wrong. The other two girls left the TV in alarm and were also looking at friend with questioning eyes.

Friend was looking at the members list on the community.

“What happened for god’s sake!” I shouted. Perhaps someone had cut and pasted her photo or maybe somebody else’s we knew. Panic gripped me. We have had experiences of the same in the past.

Friend tore her eyes from the laptop monitor, looked at us with extreme distress and moaned…

Everyone here is so ugly!”

We chased her around the house with a rolling pin. Grown up girls who fall for such bullshit need an ar** whooping.

And by jove she got one!!

We are hoping that we have ushered in a much wiser individual into the New Year.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Wardrobe woes

It is that time of the year folks, when I look at the calendar and say “Holy crap I have no clothes to wear!!!” Then I empty the old clothes from the cupboard, pack them into neat bundles, number them from one to 47 and consult my phone directory. First call is to teen cousins of small build like me.

Cousin: Holy cow!! Is it time to clear your cupboard again??
Me: I am fine, thank you dear! And how are you?
Cousin: I do not want your tops.
Me: And how is your mother?
Cousin: I don’t care if they are as good as new.
Me: And your Dad?
Cousin: And I do not want your jeans either.
Me: And your cute little brother?
Cousin: And your shoes, hand bags, belts and other accessories.
Me: And your cat?
Cousin: And for the 255th time, I do not want your clothes. I am a teenager for god’s sake. I will be ostracized by my community if I wear clothes that you “oldies” in twenties wear!
Me: Damn these kids!

Next bakra is friends and acquaintances.

Friend: I get a call from you! Let me guess, you are trying to offload your clothes onto me.
Me: *sob* I was just checking up on you.
Friend: I am fine, if that is what you are worried about.
Me: That’s a relief! Last time I talked to you, you had a nasty sinusitis.
Friend: Naah! I never had sinusitis!
Me: Then it was a cough I think.
Friend: Naah!
Me: Cold?
Friend: Naah!
Me: Knee pain?
Friend: Naah!
Me: Ulcer?
Friend: Nopes!
Me: Fever?
Friend: Yes…but…
Me: Then you will luvvvv the warm tees that I have.
Friend: Sigh…I should have seen that coming!

Next lucky recipient is the nice little nun who runs an orphanage for girls.

Sister: Hi Anjali. No I do not want clothes. Bye! *Slam.*
Me (calling her again): Ahem…Sister, I called to wish you Merry Christmas!
Sister: Thank you! *Slam*
Me (calling her again): Your calls are getting cut sister. You must change to a better provider.
Sister: Look here dear. Here is the deal!
Me (hopefully): Yes?
Sister: I have four truckloads of clothes, another three of shoes and another six trucks of bed sheets, and other stuff parked in my yard. Help me get rid of them and I will take you clothes!
Me: *SLAM!!!*

After that I do what I should have done in the first place….i.e…call my maid. I watch with an ache in my heart as she carts away my clothes to distribute in her neighborhood and swear for the 45679th time, that I will not to buy too many expensive clothes. Then I feel so happy to see my empty cupboard that I go down on my knees, give thanks to almighty God and go shopping.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Soap opera

Gone are the days, when you rushed to malls and supermarkets during festival season to grab those super bargains. Take one get two free, purchase goods worth a thousand rupees and get a kilo sugar free etc. were the deals that attracted shoppers by the drove. Nowadays the supermarkets are always having some kind of offers or the other. The soap manufacturers seem to be the most prolific lot when it comes to giving freebies to their customers. Here are some of the year long offers that adorn Bangalore's supermarket shelves.

25% soap free. No extra charges – This does not mean that the manufacturer is in a generous mood. This usually means that he has to get rid of the excess soap mixture in his plant and trying to pass it off as washing liquid in Angola was unsuccessful.

Buy one get one free – This means, the manufacturer is over his head with unsold soap. There is soap every where. If he doesn't get rid of it, he will have to close down his factory and make it a temporary warehouse for the soap!

Buy a talcum powder and get a soap free - Manufacturer is undaunted by your disinterest. He is going to offload the soap onto you one way or the other, whether you like it or not.

Buy soap and get a talcum powder free - Talcum powder manufacturer is onto his game and wants his share of the moolah to get rid of his soap.

Buy a pack of six and pay for five - This usually means that above plans were a dismal failure and he got caught trying to dump soap into the sea and is now paying hafta to the SI of the cute little police station near the sea.

Buy a pack of soap and win a vacation – No takers for the soap yet and manufacturer is at his wits end. He tried to give it free to impoverished nations in Africa, who threw it right back at him. He is now dumping soap in landfills to escape warehouse charges.

Buy a pack of six soaps and get a chance to win a date with a celebrity – Manufacturer has done some quick calculations and realized that spending 50 K on a dinner is better then paying fines for polluting the environment in Uganda, Ghana and Botswana.

And then there are offers on fruit juices and sodas too. Now don’t get me started on those!

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Unhealthy musings...

Why are things that are bad for you so delicious...and so addictive? Ever heard of someone getting addicted to veggies, skimmed milk, lean meat, fatless cakes, wheat grass juice and exercise?

At a de-addiction clinic:

Inmate: What are you in here for?
Othe inmate: I am addicted to Whole Wheat bread. And you?
Inmate: That’s must be tough!! I am here for a spinach addiction!
Othe inmate: Ouch! My neighbor has just got back from a detoxification treatment at this swanky clinic.
Inmate: What was his problem?
Other inmate: OD’ed on steamed veggies!
Inmate: Tch tch poor guy! Hope he is alright.
Other inmate: He is, but doctors say he will have to keep off steamed veggies if he wants to live.

Life is definitely unfair.

Advance wishes for a great weekend folks. Knock yourself out senseless with some boiled water. Don’t overdo it please. I will miss you.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Formatted aggression

I have this old acquaintance who used to work in the ad agency that takes care of our advertising work. He works for a publishing house now. He is a really innocent and simple Gult guy. Though he is married with a baby, he is like a schoolboy, very gullible and trusting. The other day he pings me with exciting news.

KK: Guess what?
Me: You did not win the lottery?
KK: No yaar! I formatted a Chinese document!!
Me: Yay!
KK: I know. Exciting isn’t it?
Me: Very! Bye.
KK: It was entirely in Chinese!!
Me: Wow! Super exciting dude!
KK: This is the first time we are doing it!
But I managed. I did not know what the headline was and what the sub title.
But I just guessed and put it.
Me: Fantastic! Now let me get back to work.
KK: Yes! The client was very happy.
Me: And who was the Client?
KK: ********
Me: Hmmm for all you know that might be the Chinese Plan to disintegrate India.
KK: Huh!!
Me: You know, it was all over the news some time back!
KK: Really?
Me: You just cleaned it up for them.
KK: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, now they can do it properly.
KK: Don’t joke yaar!
Me: I am just saying!
KK: *silence*
Me: I gotta go now.
KK: Wait!!
Do you think it could be some confidential document?
Me: Could be.
Who knows Chinese in India btw.
KK: You are joking right?
Me: hmm
KK: Right?
Me: Maybe it is not.
But if it is, then I got to hand it over to the Chinese.
KK: What do you mean?
Me: They are particular of their plan document formatting. I mean Heading 1, Paragraph, Bullets, Indentation, Line Spacing, and Page Breaks and then… ATTACK!!!
That’s why they are a Superpower!!
KK: Hey Anjali. Don’t scare me yaar.
Me: Forget it. I was just thinking aloud.
KK: But it can happen, cant it?
Me: Yes!!
KK: :-S
Me: Bye!

After the conversation K spent considerable time with Google translator with no luck I am told. But he is now well versed with the Chinese words for “India, Attack, War, Break-up, Chinese people want to dominate india, China army size, China Army Size vs India Army Size.” etc. You guessed right. Instead of pasting Chinese words from the document into the translator tool, he used the translator to create the above mentioned English words in Chinese and then looked for them in the document.

Now all I need to do is convince him to join the Chinese Army. Something tells me it won’t be that difficult a task. But if I do then I demand that I get the National Disaster Management Award 2009!!

This is my 300th post! Yay! Happy week folks!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

A tale of two weddings

Time: 8 am.
Place: Moovattupuzha
Date: Never mind.

The bride groom is getting ready for the wedding. My amma and her entourage of sisters and cousin sisters, numbering a couple of hundred, are running around making sure that the hundred things that needs to be done in a wedding house is moving like clockwork. I have been told to 1. Freeze 2. Desist from giggling 3. Stop rolling my eyes.

Time: 8:15 am
Place: Ditto
Date: Who cares!

The Bride Groom (BG) enters the living room wearing his suit pants and the shirt. The phone rings. It is my punju friend from Chandigarh. She is at a wedding near Chandigarh she says. She is eager to know all about an achayan wedding she says. There is a sing song session going on at the venue of the wedding she is attending. She wants to know if we are also having a similar event. I look at the scenery before me and reply. “Yes there is a ballet which is going to start here. It is called Kaikottikali.” Friend is very impressed.

1. The brother in law of the BG takes the jacket and helps the BG into one sleeve smiling at the camera!
2. The sister in law of the BG holds the jacket behind him and helps him into the other sleeve, taking care to smile at the camera!
3. Friend 1 helps him button the jacket, smiling at the camera.
4. Friend 2 ties the tie for the BG, tying and untying till his jaws falls off due to the sheer fatigue of smiling at the camera.
5. A fully suited and booted BG looking like an over powdered handicapped moron who cannot put on a jacket himself is finally left alone…to smile at the camera!
6. I am seen rolling my eyes, by the camera.

My friend is excited. She wants to know what else happens at an achayan wedding. I tell her of the thousand years old ritual that will be performed at the house ….in not so many words. Friend is absolutely amazed. I cringe at the scene.

7. Mommy dearest comes forward and flicks off an imaginary speck of dust from the suit for the camera.
8. Mommy dearest then kisses BG on the forehead or cheek or hand for the camera!
9. Daddy dearest looking uncomfortable in the unusual formal clothes, checks hair and general get up of BG… for the camera.
10. He goes back to his easy chair a much relieved man in front of the camera.
11. Father is hauled up from easy chair and full family poses in front of camera.
12. BG then poses with parents for the camera.
13. BG then poses with parents and siblings for the camera.
14. BG then poses parents and siblings and Priest for the camera.
15. BG then poses parents and siblings and Priest and grandparents if alive for the camera.
16. BG then poses parents and siblings and Priest and grandparents if alive and sundry relatives for the camera.

Friend calls again. She is at the wedding hall she says. She is taking part in a dance competition she says. It is the groom’s family versus the brides. She wants to know if we have a similar tradition. I say “Of course” and suppress an insane urge to laugh like a maniac.

17. The whole group is now praying as a group in front of the camera.
18. Groom then takes blessings from each person present in the room for the camera.
19. Ladies surreptitiously wipe a non existent tear for the camera.
20. BG ceremoniously steps out of the house…in front of the camera.
21. Groom and his entourage wait while Photographer takes several shots of the bedecked car that will carry the BG to the Church…behind the camera.
22. The family stray dog looks on bewildered…away from the camera!
23. BG is photographed smiling from inside/outside/beside/ east west/south east/north east/ top of the car for the camera.
24. Some random male is photographed closing the door of the car for the camera.
25. I can be seen banging my head against the wall, in front of the camera.

Friend calls again. She is going to greet the bride she says. They will dance in front of the bride’s car till the wedding hall she says. What is happening at your place, she inquires. I tell her that I am doing a similar thing …but not in so many words.

26. The groom’s car is photographed leaving for church with a random cow looking on curiously on the road for the camera.
27. Car arrives at the Church after the camera.
28. Smiling and milling relatives are photographed smiling and milling at the camera.
29. BG/Bride enters the church after the camera.
30. People in the church are photographed from 9001 angles by the camera err photographer!
31. Special shots of little children looking sullen in suffocating clothes that make them look like miniature Charlie Chaplin’s, Cinderella’s and or Jokers, Abominable Snowman, Ustad Fateh Ali Khan and Bhappi Lahiri for the camera.
32. The pretty bridesmaids smile at the camera.
33. The pretty bridesmaids smile again at the camera.
34. The pretty bridesmaid smile yet again at the camera till the photographer is hauled away by the collar to resume work with the camera!
35. Uncomfortable looking men feeling uncomfortable in formal shirts look gravely away from the camera.
36. I am seen tearing out my hair in frustration, by the camera.

Friend calls again. She is leaving for the groom’s house she says. They will dance on the road in front of the groom atop a horse till the wedding halls she says. What is happening at your place, she inquires. I describe the scene…but not in so many words.

37. Priests arrive at the Altar giving a damn for the camera.
38. Wedding Mass is celebrated to full glory ignoring the camera!
39. The Mass is over and the group stand for photograph in front of the altar and the camera.
40. Newly married couple poses with parents for the camera.
41. Newly married couple poses with parents and siblings for the camera.
42. Newly married couple poses with parents and siblings and presiding Priests for the camera.
44. Newly married couple poses with parents and siblings and presiding Priests and grandparents if alive for the camera.
45. Newly married couple poses with parents and siblings and presiding Priests and grandparents if alive and sundry for the camera.
46. The newlyweds leave for the reception behind the camera.
47. My mother is seen hauling me up by the scruff of my kurti neck and dragging me kicking and screaming to the reception by the camera.

The wedding in Chandigarh and Moovattupuzha is now over. My friend is now taking part in the vidayee ceremony of the bride. The bride is saying good bye to her parents and parental home amidst much tears and sobbing. Friend wants to know if we have a similar tradition in Kerala. I look at the well stocked bar at the Reception Hall and lie.

48. Reception is a blur for most of us and the camera.
49. Ladies can be seen dragging the men away from the bar in front of the camera.
50. Men can seen going right back to the bar in front of the camera.
51. Ladies can be seen dragging the men away again … in front of the camera.
52. Men can seen going right back again in front of the camera.
53. Everyone is seen laughing and talking and making much noise by the camera.
54. I can be seen pumping my fist in sheer ecstasy that it is over…by the camera.

Friend calls again and tells me about the pall of gloom that has descended on the bridal house after her departure. She wants to know if the bridal home in Moovattupuzha is facing as similar situation! I think of the Picasa Album link with the 4000 photos (upgraded account) that will be sent to me for compulsory viewing and I break down. Friend is sympathetic and understanding but mostly astonished at the similarity of traditions amongst punjus and mallus.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Recruiting for dummies

Dear HR Manager of my company,

While we appreciate your untiring work in recruiting the best talents for the company, we feel that you are falling short in a critical area of assessment of prospective employees. We i.e. me and my team members have put together, for your benefit (and ours) an extension of tests that you must use before finalizing any candidate.

Test No 1:

Invite the candidates to a hearty meal to the 8th floor cafeteria. Meal expenses will be paid for by my team. After the meal, please examine the dining table. Give spot offer letter to those who ate without spilling most of their food in the table and around the table and on neighbor’s laps, shirts, wall and the neighboring buildings. For people who spilled food all over the place, tear up their resume, laugh at them derisively and throw them off the cafeteria terrace. Preferably from the side above the pool.

Test No 2:

Give each candidate a phone and give them an hour free time to talk to anyone they want. People who talk with their voices lowered should be given their offer letters immediately. The ones who talk loud, specially to equally jobless friends about their pimples, BF/GF, Landlord, Cousins marriage/divorce/pregnancy, in laws, pregnancy stretch marks, lack of hair on head, excess hair on body, pedicure, manicure and liposuction they did or did not etc. should be hit on the head with the handset till they run out of the door. Do instruct the Security people to give them a final ass whooping before they are let out of the main gate.

Test No 3:

Make the prospective candidates use the toilet and evaluate the toilet after usage. Give offer letters to people who leave the toilet clean. Those who leave the toilet unclean must be slapped about and hosed down with the Fire Hose and then pushed out of the nearest exhaust fan window.

There is no need to thank us. It is understood that you are now over whelmed and eternally grateful for our suggestions. Please note that failure to comply with these tests will results in grievous bodily injury to your new joinees. Thank you for your cooperation.

Sd/-

Silverine and others.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Coldline

We have a new internal medical emergency hot line number. It is a pretty number though not very helpful I feel. I mean if you really want to reach someone in the office in an emergency quickly, then the number should be ideally one digit and if that is not possible due to some highly complex telephonic engineering challenge, then it should be a three digit number. But do our Facility people listen? No. So now we have a standard 8 digit emergency “hotline” which should ideally be called a “coldline” because by the time the person in distress dials all the numbers this is what will happen...

*Gasp* My chest is paining. I need to call the emergency number. *pant* what was the number again? Let me *gasp* read it!!! 4 *gasp* 8 *gasp* 1 *gasp* aarrggh my chest is exploding!!! I cannot make out anything *gasp* wait a minute I think the next number is 4, then we have a 6... I think…*clutching chest* then I think it is a 7…no I think that was a 1 or maybe a 9? *groan* I cannot see anything. The last numbers look like 333 or is it 888? Let me dial the nu…..

*swoon *

*thud*

*drops down dead*

I am putting it on speed dial.

Have a cracking week dear friends!

Monday, November 02, 2009

Mobile Entertainment

Now that the Big 10 bus services have been introduced in Bangalore, I find my self using the service to go to town...quite literally. During weekdays we car pool, so during weekends I use this service to give me a break from driving. During my travels from home to Brigade Road I find myself seated next to a lot of people who use the travel time to catch up with friends, relations, parents, BF/GF etc. Of these, the mallus are the most voluble.

Example no 1: The Mallu gal in Bangalore for higher studies.

This type generally chats up people back home in Kerala during the bus ride. The conversation is held in Malayalam. I have used the liberty to use English for non mallu readers. Typical conversations are like this:

Hellooo! Idhu njaana! Aa! Pinne…avide endha vishesham? Is it raining there aa? Aa! What about at Babuchayans place? Please be careful near the well. You will slip and fall due to the moss. Tell that Vareed to come and clean it no! Has achchan repaired the wall on the other side of the parambu? That Mathukutty's cows will have a hay-day if you don’t. Pinne… tell me what else is new there? Aiyyo jose chetande kada pootiyo? Eppo? So where do you buy vegetables from now? Teresa chechi is gone home for delivery? I hope I can get home by then. Pakshe test undu. Pinne businde ticketinde prashanam undo. Last minute ticket kitoola. Njaan innu onnum kazhichilla amme. Breakfastinnu breadum butterum ayirnnu. Maduthu! Pinne…vere endha vishesham? Aiyyo ende stop vittu poyi. Njaan vekkate? Illa, adutha stopil irangi nadannolam. Sheri! Amme vekkate? Aiyyo stop vannu. Koda eduthatundu. Vayiguneram vilikaam tow? Aiyyo conductor saare stop maadi. Eranganam.

All this is delivered at supersonic jaw crunching speed and by the time we reach the next stop I and other mallu passengers in the bus can write the biography of the entire Kandath family from Thodupuzha!!

Next specimen will be mallu gal from Kerala married to techie guy and now employed in some office. She will talk to her friend also married and living in Calicut.

Hiiiii! How are you? I am fine. Etan is also fine. Ende father in law sick aa! Ariyulla endha problem. Vayis ayille. Pinne enna visheshams? Ivide oru vishesham illa. *gasp* Really??? Aiyyo! I did not hear that! When? Where? How? Ende daivamme!! Did her parents bring her back? I knew it! I told her also. But she was madly in love with him! Pinne what else? Anyone else in our batch getting married? Job is boring yaar. Etan comes home only by 9. I watch TV what else! My neighbor is some Tamilian. Kandooda aa sthreeye! Ende stop vannu. Njaan orkuttil scrap chaiyyam. Balance illa. Bye!

To me: Is this Lal Baugh stop?
Me: No. This bus doesn’t go that way!
Gal: Aiyyo!
Me: Where are you going?
Gal: Majestic!
Me: You are in the wrong bus.
Gal: !!!!
Me: Never mind. Get down at Brigade Road. You will lots of buses from there.
Gal: Hello? Nasreen? I am in the wrong bus *giggle* hahahahahahahaha
And more ahahahaha

After that I and the rest of the passengers who can understand Malayalam can write the entire biography of the Krishnan Menon and Abu Backer Family from Calicut.

Unfortunately no guys will sit next to me as I sit in the ladies section. But like the other Bangalore guys, mallu guys are also not discriminatory and do not mind sitting on ladies seats. Their conversations will go like this after looking around and ascertaining that his neighbors are non mallus.

Hey da I met Sushmita, Renju and Baby yesterday. They are all here. Ramesh IBM’ill annu. Rejoyum, babyum Accentureil annu. Pinne Joemone kandu. Avan Bilkehalliyill aanu thamasam. Navin has gone to the US for his MS. I am in training now. Boring da. After that I will go to Pune. Yesterday was team lunch. Stupid food. Everybody wanted Andhra food. You don’t get malayalam movies here. So Sunday we spend roaming around malls. Jijo is in TCS. Harish is in Infosys. Srinivasan is in Mindtree. Abraham is in CTS and …..!

By the time this conversation is over, me and the other passengers who know Malayalam feel like picking him up and heaving him out of the bus.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Recipe for disaster!

Heard this over the phone yesterday. My brother M was giving a recipe of some stuff he had cooked at his friend’s house that seems to be a big hit with all his friends.

"You have to take one chicken, I don’t know about the size, but it was as big as a loaf of bread. Weight? I have no idea. Ask for a big chicken. And then you take one onion and cut off its hair and tail. Then you slice it from head to toe and fry it in oil. I don’t remember how much oil I put in. But the radius of the circle of the oil in the pan was about 4 cm. The pan? Haven’t you seen the pan in Rajesh's house? The one from the antique museum! heh heh The same one. So you fry the onion in oil till it is the shade of umm yes…tea. Then you cut a few green chilies in the stomach...don’t cut till head and toe okay? Then you put chilli powder and turmeric powder on the chicken and leave it for two hours. Actually that should be done before frying onions. So you fry onions after your chicken has soaked for two hours. But before that you must wash the chicken. No, not after soaking….before that. Then you take the soaked chicken and put in the fried onion with the green chilies. Mix nicely and cover with a lid. After about five minutes you put in one teaspoon salt and some lime juice and cover again. Then you take out the lid and look. If you see water then you increase the gas and make it evaporate. Be careful not to evaporate the chicken okay? After water is gone chicken is ready. What do you mean it is confusing you $@#$%*& idiot!"


It wasn’t the narration but my Dad's pained look that made me rofl. By the end of the recipe conversation he was giving my mom "that" look. Which means “Is this my son? Are you sure? 100%? Lock kiya jaye??"

My mom’s look said "Yeah and throw away the key!”

Have a nice week folks!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The devil is in the details

Venue – A conference room
Event - A video shoot
People present – A perky but dumb gal colleague who will give the intro to the video, a rather young Subject Matter Expert (SME) who will deliver the Technical Lecture after the intro.

And of course the owner of the program – yours truly with the camera man, director and other crew numbering three guys. This is a routine shot so yours truly walks out to get a coffee.

The shoot starts and the perky gal colleague steps up to the stage where the camera is focused and the lights come on. Gal gives her intro but the shoot director and SME ask for several retakes. Gal obliges, but more retakes are ordered. Finally, yours truly realizes that the shoot is taking too long and walks in to investigate and immediately zeroes into the problem due to her sheer intellect and brainpower and other big big words. Yours truly tells gal what was wrong with her intro and orders a remedy. Shoot progresses without a hitch and is canned.

The solution yours very brilliant truly recommended to the gal?

Wear a bra.

I detect a bright future for me in the Audio Video industry.

Happy week folks!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Oh My God!

There is this species of people I hate to loathing. They are the overly religious types that take the name of God in vain at the drop of a hat.

I was able to cross the road today. Thanks to Jesus I was safe.

I almost forgot to take my house key. But Jesus reminded me.

I was thrashed and swindled by my cousin. But Jesus will reward me for turning the other cheek.

A woman should stick on to her husband even if he kicks her, beats her, rapes her and takes her money. That is Gods way of testing her moral strength.

Got robbed? That is Gods way to remind you that you should go for Mass and pray to him to keep you safe.

Like God is an insurance agent!!

Ahem My name is God. May I speak to you for a minute?
#$%@!! No!
Suite yourself. But you do not know what you are missing!
What do you mean?

If you take my Heavenly Gold Cover Policy:

1. I will protect you in times of minor distress. This requires a premium of one Mass every week only.

2. For middle to larger distresses, you will have to pay a premium of three Rosaries everyday besides three conversions every week.

3. For Lifetime coverage you need to pay a premium of one Mass, three rosaries, one prayer meeting and one Bible thumping err preaching session everyday and also read the fine print about turning the other cheek AND following the Ten Commandment!

Anyways I got my revenge against one such repulsive creature err relative when she dropped in home with her brand new son-in-law.

Aundy: You know my son-in-law Johnny is such a religious boy!
Mom: That’s nice!
Aundy: Yes! He says the rosary everyday and goes for Mass everyday. And in the night, before he sleeps he reads the Bible.
Mom: That is such a nice habit Elsie!
Aundy: On their wedding night, he insisted on reading the Bible before errm I mean, he never misses the Bible before bedtime.
Me: Before what?
Aundy: Never mind!
Me: He read the Bible before what Aundy?
Aundy: Leelamme! Your daughter is getting too big for her boots!!
Mom: What to do Elsie! Today’s kids are incorrigible. Ignore her. ROTFL!!
Aundy: Hmmph! We have to leave!
Mom (wiping tears from her eyes) : Ha ha ha!I mean, bye! Ha ha ha!

For once!!! My mom laughed at my joke. Alleluia! It is a miracle! There is a God after all!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Apple picking

Dear inhuman person who took the apple from my desk,

I hate you!
I hope you rot in hell.
I hope you get indigestion.
I hope you have a bad day in office.
I hope your Boss kicks your butt.
I hope your GF/wife leaves you for a hunk of man.
I hope your PC/lappie crashes.
I hope you get a puncture.
I hope your hard drive gets erased.
I hope your parents disown you.
I hope you get stuck in the lift!

p.s. If you do not want all these things happening to you, replace my apple.

Whatay bad start to my day.

p.p.s. The person is not only inhuman. He is cruel too. He has thrown the apple pips in "my" trash bin. *sob*

Next time the apple left on my desk will be injected with something horrible. Be warned if you are reading this post you nincompoop!

Sunday, October 04, 2009

A moving story

So we are moving laptop locks, employee stock and barrel…to another building where it is hoped that we will shout, scream and talk at the top of our voices so that the genteel folks we leave behind may have some peace of mind to concentrate on bitching err work. Apparently the noise we used to generate led to several mis-communications like A who is seeing G, was heard as seeing T which is the same as far as we are concerned. But then we are the vermin of this company and our opinions do not count.

On Tuesday we were all told to report to this spanking new building, where another group of genteel people were seen gnashing their teeth and wailing “Why us God!!!” We ignored them of course. Vermin have no feelings. Pretty soon we were all assembled at the lobby waiting for Vijayan the protagonist of this post. Vijayan is our long suffering Facility Manager. I was the first person to step up to him when he came in.

Vijayan: What can I do for you?
Me: Any idea which side is Vailankanni Church?
Vijayan: hmm, that way I think.
Me: err what about Vatican?
Vijayan: ummm to that side I would say!
Me: Ahem…what about Mecca?
Vijayan: That way I suppose!
Me: errr Tirupati?
Vijayan: This side!
Me: Thank you! I will take that seat towards Tirupati. Religious reasons you know!
Vijayan: But…but aren’t you…
Me: Bye!

Next, it was the turn of Ranjeet Kapoor!

Ranjeet: Oye Vijayan! Which side is Bangkok heh heh
Vijayan (frostily): That way!
Ranjeet: What about that seat over there!
Vijayan: That faces a cemetery! :|
Ranjeet: I’ll take it! Spiritual reasons you see.
Vijayan: !!!

Next it was the turn of Venkat Subramaniam

Venkat: Vijayan…
Vijayan: Let me guess you want to know which side is Madurai Meenakshi temple right?
Venkat: No! I want to know if I can have that seat next to Ranjeet?
Vijayan (smirking): That faces the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Saints!
Venkat: Alleuia! I will take it.
Vijayan: Since when did you become a Mormon?
Venkat (hurrying off): Last offsite. Thanks and bye!

Ms Blah Blah is next.

Vijayan (Sarcastically): Let me guess, you want the seat facing a Church confessional.
Blah Blah: Which seat would that be?
Vijayan: The one next to Venkat.
Blah Blah: Thanks! I will take it. Vaastu reasons you see!
Vijayan: :-O

By the end of the day all 25 of us were seated on the far left corner of the building, diagonally opposite to the right corner of the building which is about 500 feet away from the cabin where the Boss sat. Nice. We did our high fives and felt pretty pleased with ourselves. In the evening when I was going home I overheard this conversation in the Boss’s cabin.

Boss: Vijayan, I was wondering if I could shift my cabin.
Vijayan: Sure Sir!! Which cabin do you want?
Boss: Any cabin facing a bunch of idiots?
Vijayan: *GRIN* But of course!!!
Boss: Thanks! I will take it. Feng Shui reasons you see!


It was a sad sad me that went home that day :(

p.s If any of my colleagues are reading this, please note that Monday movie stands canceled and Tuesday Biryani get together too. Wednesday Dart game is also canceled as well as Thursday Card game. Friday get together at Geoffreys is postponed to “after office” hours.

Have a nice week friends!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Returning the lols

There is this Anonymous commenter at my blog, who gives me rib tickling and rofl kinda comments. You can safely say that he has made my comment section his humor blog. Given below are his 'blog posts' at my comment section.


Week One

I hereby boycott your blog hmmpph!

Week Two

You may think I am obsessed, but I came back to see if you have changed your ways. But you have not. So the boycott stays!

Week Three

Why aren't you publishing my comments? It says right here you will publish all comments!

Week Four

This is absolutely my LAST comment on your blog!

Week Five

You and your blog is stupid.


Thank you kind Sir for the laughs!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Knowledge sharing

While I am not working my butt off playing Solitaire, I relax with occasional chats with the 200 odd people on my G-chat list. Yesterday I was going through the chat archives and realized that it was a veritable Knowledge Bank!!

Here is a fine example.

9am

N: I had a fight with him today!
Me: hmmm
N: He says I do not look good in skirts.
Me: hmmm
N: Earlier he had no problems with skirts!!
M: hmmm
N: Whats with the hmmm?
Me: hmmmm :p
N: Idiot!!
Me: hmmm :p
N: Bitch!
What do I do yaar!
Me: I have no clue!
N: hmmm
Me: LOL!


12 pm

N: Mera skirt wala problem abhi bhee chalu hai aur thu “hmmm’ karegi tho maroongi.
Me: hmmm…ooops! :p
Tu kuch math pehan…problem solved! :p
N: LOL!

3 pm

N: Oye!
Me: hmmm
N: Saali $#%^@%@!!!
Me: Interesting! Naya gaali hai kya?
N: Nahi! Bahuth purana hai.
Mere dadu jab school mein padthe the, thab ki!
Me: Phir tho bahuth naya hoga.
N: Kaise?
Me: Tere dadu tho unpadh hai. :p
N: Unpadh hoga tera baap! LOL!

4 pm

Me: Aye! Kya bolti tu
N: Oye! Kya mein boloon
Me: Sun!
N: Suna..
Me: Aathi kya Khandala?
N: Kya karoon, jaake mein khandala?
Me: Arey khaayenge peeyenge naachenge gaayenge
N: Aur phir BF ki taang todenge aur kya?
Me: Bill pay karne ke baad! :|
N: =))

Whatay intelligent conversation! Someone please nominate us for the Nobel in Intelligent and Meaningful Exchange of Information!

Have a nice week folks and Id Mubarak to you all!!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Back to the Future


Diary of a blogger. Year 2025


1-1-2025

Dear Diary

Got hauled to the court today for calling Onam, The festival of Putting on Much Weight. Judge let me off after looking at his paunch mournfully.

12-02-2025

Dear Diary

Got summons from the court today by the Aluwa Haluwa Manufacturer Association (AHA) for blogging about the black halwa from Aluwa. According to the Plaintiffs, it hurt their sentiments deeply. Judge let me off after spitting out the halwa sample he was eating.

17-03-2025

Dear Diary

Cannot update blog because I have to attend yet another court hearing. ViceNet TV is suing me for calling their serial Sthree Venom a bad example for young minds in my blog. The judge let me off after watching the serial in horror.

23-04-2025

Dear Diary

Have to go to gods own country again for a case against me at the capital court. I pleaded not guilty to offending people by calling the capital roads a death trap. The Judge let me off after I had autographed the plaster cast on his hands and legs and head.

10-06-2025

Dear Diary

I have three court appearances in gods own country today. All three are due to my blog. Judge let me off as usual, warning the Plaintiffs to stop wasting the courts time. The Plaintiffs argued that protesting against Sohan Pal being called a ‘has been’ was not wasting the courts time. The judge had them thrown off the premises. He was then seen signing a petition requesting Sohan Pal to quit acting.

15-09-2025

Dear Diary

Went to gods own country again. This time a political party is suing me for calling them ‘against progress’. The Judge let me off after agreeing with me solemnly.

26-12-2025

Dear Diary

Spent Christmas in prison because I was arrested on 24th and 25th is a holiday. I was being sued for making fun of Kochi Township by calling it a mosquito haven. Judge let me off after he had swatted a couple of dozen mosquitoes hovering over his head. The plaintiffs were seen hopping and jumping during the entire proceedings.

I am hoping that the New Year will bring tidings of good sense and judgment amongst the people.


This post is a commentary on some people dragging bloggers to court over trivial issues because they need to shut down what they cannot shout down.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

The final diagnosis!

Hospitals in Bangalore now specialize in Mathematics besides the routine Cardiology and Gynecology and Liposuction. Recently my aunt was admitted to the hospital because she had Viral Fever and the doctor at the hospital thought that she should be kept under observation just in-case the fever develops into AIDS or Angina Pectoris or Liver Cirrhosis or OCD or Kleptomania. After enduring three days in the small hospital room (standing room for one attendee only), Aunt was reluctantly discharged. Uncle got the shock of his life when he got a bill of over 20 k for her three days stay, during which she consumed 3 Crocins, 6 Antibiotics and several glasses of coconut water only.

It all began on day one when the doctor came visiting.

Doc : How are you feeling Geetha?
Aunt: Feverish.
Doc: I am prescribing you some antibiotic and a Crocin to bring down that fever.
Aunt: What’s wrong with me?
Doc: Nothing serious I assure you. But we need to keep an eye on you to rule out any possibility.

Somewhere deep in the bowels of the hospital an accountant typed out the day’s bill.

Doctors visit: Rs 600
Room Rent: Rs 1000
Doctors visit in afternoon: Rs 600/-
Doctors visit in evening; Rs 600/-
Medicines: Rs 2000/
Total: Rs 6000/-

Comments (of the accountant) - Poor collection. Doctor to use additional devices for better revenue generation.

Next day Aunt is alarmed to see two nurses come in and put her on drips and a catheter. A device that controls the drips is also used. Doctor peeps in every hour to say “Hello” and slams the door before they can say “We are doing alright. Please discharge us.”

Somewhere deep in the bowels of the hospital, the accountant typed out the day’s bill.

Room Rent: Rs 1000
Doctors visit at 9 am: Rs 600
Doctors visit at 10 am: Rs 600/-
Doctors visit at 11 am: Rs 600/-
Doctors visit at 12 pm: Rs 600/-
Doctors visit at 01 pm: Rs 600/-
Doctors visit at 02 pm: Rs 600/-
Doctors visit at 03 pm: Rs 600/-
Doctors visit at 04 pm: Rs 600/-
Doctors visit at 05 pm: Rs 600/-
Doctors visit at 06 pm: Rs 600/-
Night doctors visit: Rs 1000/-
Drip Regulator: Rs 2000/-
Total: Rs 10,000/-

Comment (of the accountant): Don’t overdo do it for chrissakes!!

Next day we decide that we will catch the doctor as he peeps in so that he knows how his patient is doing before he slams the door.

Somewhere deep in the bowels of the hospital the accountant typed out that day’s bill.

Room Rent: Rs 1000
Doctors visit at 9 am to 9:03 am: Rs 1400/-
Doctors visit at 11 am to 11:02 am: Rs 1400/-
Doctors visit at 05 pm to 5:01 pm: Rs 1400/-
Medicines: Rs 2000/-
Total: Rs 7,200/-

Comments (of the accountant): Perfect! Discharge them.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Bad ads

Have you seen the Fiama Di Willis Silky Strong Shampoo commercial? Truly an outstanding piece of creative work. Kudos to the advertising agency that made this commercial. Now I know why you guys are called dream merchants.

For those people who have not seen this commercial, let me give you the low down. The commercial shows Deepika Padukone caressing her false hair and exclaiming “Fiama Di Willis Silky Strong Shampoo...” followed by the punch line, “makes my hair silky and strong.”

Whatay punch line!

I wonder what punch line they would use for Sunflower oil? Made from Sunflower seeds and very oily? Which means Strawberry Lip Gloss would be ‘Smells like Strawberry and very glossy!’ and Gauava Ice cream will probably be “Made from Guavas, tastes like Guavas!!”


This is fun.


What about Prestige Pressure Cooker?

Cooks food under pressure!


Maybelline Maroon Lipstick with sparkles?

Makes my lips look maroon and sparkly!!!


St Margaret’s Umbrellas.

Umbrellas made in St Margaret’s umbrella factory!!!


I can do this!!! Advertising… here I come.


Happy Onam to you all! *burp*

Sunday, August 23, 2009

A shot gun wedding of the Goan kind!

Warning: Long post ahead!

I am back folks after a couple of days in the sun on Goa’s sandy beaches that I merely saw through the car windows as I rushed about getting things ready for a very dear friends wedding. Dear friend (henceforth referred to as DF) had suddenly decided that she would marry her long-time-boyfriend-whom-her-Dad-hated (hence forth referred to as LTBDH). To make things complicated, her mom too hated her boyfriend’s ponytail though she liked him as a person she said. DF is from one of those wealthy old rich families from Goa. While LTBDH’s ancestors had made it big quite recently like in the early 1800’s which was a clear 200 years after DF’s ancestors had become rich. This made LTBDH a new rich and hence unacceptable. No girl/boy from DF’s ancient family ever married a nouveau riche.

It all started one rainy morning at 3 am when I was asnooze under the warm blanket of knowledge that my phone is off the hook. I am jolted out of my warm security blanket by the strident ringing of the phone in the hallway.

Me: hellllloyawwwwwn!!
DF: You asleep?
Me: No, I was lying here with my eyes closed trying to the break the Guinness Book of World Record in keeping my eyelids closed for the maximum number of hours. It’s been 6 hours now and thanks to you I will not be able to break the world record.
DF: I am in trouble!
Me: That makes you my closest competitor in breaking the Guinness Book of World in getting into trouble.
DF: I think I will die if I don’t marry Brian.
Me: That is sad.
DF: What do you mean sad.
Me: I will never make it to the Guinness Book of World Record for sleeping one night without a call from you at some unearthly hour!
DF: I am going to get married to him tomorrow in Goa.
Me: What!!! Your poor Dad was so close to breaking the Guinness Book of World Record for missing Brian with his shotgun!! Brian is a sitting duck in the church!! Poor man you will spoil his chances too wont you???
DF: I will pick you up at 6 am sharp.
Me: Shall I bring my brain along or shall I leave it in the freezer? I am so close to breaking the Guinness Book of World Record in following your diktats blindly you know?
DF: Shut up and go to sleep!
Me: Ok master! Yipee I just made it to the Guinness Book of World Record by breaking my previous record of following your diktats blindly!
DF: Carry your driving license. You are driving from Davangere onwards.
Me: Why Davangere onwards?
DF: Because the road is really bad from there stupid!
Me: That makes me close to breaking the Guinness Book of World Record in …
DF: *Click*

That just broke the world record in the number of times DF hung up on me I guess!

Anyways after some frantic shopping for wedding clothes that were both elegant and bullet proof, we left for Goa. The journey was uneventful except for Sankey Tank sized craters and Ulsoor Lake sized ditches and Sarjapur Lake sized potholes besides several Lorries lying belly up shamelessly flashing their privates in various angles forcing us to take detours through villages that were perhaps getting visitors from the outside world for the first time.

Villager One: Look! A metal apparition with strange females inside!!!
Villager Two: Naah, that is just the annual clearance sale for elegant and bullet proof wedding clothes.
Villager One: My bad.

We reached Goa in good time, singing “Soni De Nakhre” and “Mind Blowing Mahia” from Cash in off key, severely shrill voices that could be one of the reasons why the lorry drivers gave way so hastily. As soon as we reached DF’s ancestral house err mansion, we were welcomed by a bevy of anxious looking relatives who were looking worried, scared and anxious (in that order).

Mom (anxiously): Your Dad is looking high and low for Brian!
DF: Tell him to clean his rifle scope ma!
Dad: Damn it!! I knew I was doing something wrong!!

The next crisis was the Church. Apparently old Goa churches are not bullet proof nor do they allow guns inside. The latter has nothing to do with the eleventh commandment “Thou shall not kill thy son in law” but more to do with the fact that the Churches are very old and will crumble under the sonic boom of gunfire. To make things worse, DF put her foot down and said that she will get married in their parish Church only and nowhere else. Dad’s eyes glowed with pride. He would finally get to shoot Brian. After much hyperventilation and anxiety attacks we managed to (1) convince her to settle for the convent chapel for the wedding and (2) convince her Uncles to get her Dad sloshed enough to get the Nuptials* over and done with. We did not have much choice but a private chapel was the only way we could keep an eye on Daddy dearest and his rifle.

The wedding went fine.

Priest: Do you DF take LTBDH to be your lawfully wedded husband.
Dad: *hic*
Priest: Do you LTBDH take DF to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Dad: *burrrp*
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife!
Congregation: *whew*
Dad: *snore*

The photo op went fine with Daddy dearest smiling blissfully, the newlyweds looking wary and the relations looking relieved.

The reception went even greater on the green lawns that skirt DF’s ancestral house adjoining the Mandovi river. We took turns dancing with Daddy dearest and keeping him in high spirits. Daddy was the life of the party. He even raised his glass to the newly weds before passing out.

Chicken Xacuti, Prawn Balchao, Pork Sorportel and Vindaloo and hundred other melt in the mouth morsels later, we whisked the newly weds away to their honey moon suite. We had booked two just in case Daddy dearest decided to crash the honeymoon night rifle in tow. We needn’t have bothered. He had passed out for the evening.

Next day when we were leaving for Bangalore, Daddy dearest gave us a present as a token of his appreciation for all the help. It was a highly polished brass bullet from the 19th century he said. Guaranteed to kill an elephant and highly volatile too he said. And a collector’s item to boot.

The journey back very eventful with everyone flinching and covering their ears when we hit a pothole wondering when the volatile gift would explode blowing us to pieces. Someone suggested we throw it out instead of being blown to smithereens. By the time we debated and argued over it, we were in Bangalore. I gingerly handed over the bullet to my dad asking him to be careful. Dad turned it up and down and around while I looked on nervously and declared the bullet... a blank.

No prizes for guessing who cussed the loudest and longest!

But lets look at the bright side here. Daddy dearest and us are even now. Thank god!

* the nuptials is the actual wedding ceremony where the couple exchange vows and are pronounced man and wife.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Much ado about nothing

Mumbai: News has just come in that Mah Rukh Kkkan, an Indian actor and superstar was held back for secondary investigations at an US airport. He was in transit to another US city. The immigration officer refused to buy the story that he was an Indian superstar. In a press statement the official said, “He looks nothing like a superstar. He is clearly lying!!”

Meanwhile news of his detention spread like wildfire and the film fraternity came out strongly in support of the actor.

Harinder Singh, who describes himself as “a very popular Indian actor” said “These Americans are such airheads!!! Any kid can give you the dirt on Mah Rukh. We need to make a big stink about this so that this is not repeated. What a bummer!”

Mr. Hail Kan another Indian actor who says that he will be the “next superstar” said “It’s not like Mah Rukh had any hardware on him! I do not think that officer had it all together!!”

“Pardon me if I am getting a little huffy” said Kriyanka Opra an Indian actress, “but Mah Rukh is an Indian superstar in India. Detaining him for questioning is ridiculous. GET REAL!!!!”

Reporters interviewing the stars were seen consulting the “The Complete Book of American Slang – Eighth Edition” before sending in their stories for publishing. They are hoping that the US authorities will not hold back prominent Indians in India in the US in future as it causes considerable delays in getting the story to the press. The Press Distrust of India met the US Ambassador in New Delhi and handed over a letter of protest in this regard in UK English. The Ambassador has promised to look into the matter as soon as he can get the letter translated into US English.

Meanwhile the Minister for Something Ms. Mookambika Tony has said that the situation calls for a ‘tit for tat’ treatment for Americans. The announcement has catapulted India into the 'Most Preferred Destination' for Americans in 2009. According to Brad Kelley, an American who is planning to visit India, “Tit for tat sounds great. But what is “tat’? Is it legal?”

“I am deeply hurt by this incident” said Dolly Dimple, a B grade actress “they should have not treated whatshisname the way they did!!” Rajesh Gumnaam another B Grade actor said that “My new movie Junglee Bhoot will be released soon and oh yes...I hope what happened to Hrithik Roshan does not happen again.”

Flop actor Jaani Singh said “I want to voice my protest over this incident and reassure my fans that I will make my 65th comeback soon” He was then seen chasing the reporter who refused to film his interview. Reporters were seen running helter-skelter in Mumbai as swarms of B Grade, C Grade and flop actors descended on them to give their quotes on the subject.

In the meantime, Ms Mookambika announced at a Press Conference today, that all Americans coming into India will now be questioned for two hours and then given one phone call before being released. As per government rules the phone connection used will be BSNL. As an after thought she said that the number of phone calls will be raised to 250 considering certain factors which she refused to elaborate on.

Meanwhile the minister has asked the immigration department to compile 120 objective questions of one minute duration for detention purposes. The questionnaire will be prepared by the Government Services Recruitment Board (GSRB) to detain Americans coming into India. Before this news went to press it has been reliably learned that the questionnaire is now available for Rs 2000 to Rs. 3000/- from your neighborhood LEQPP (R) (Leaked Examination Question Paper provider).

Meanwhile press and TV reporters covering the story have gone into hiding as every Indian actor and actress worth their salt have been haranguing them for airtime. Mr Zubin Newswallah, a harried reporter said that the Actorazzi were stalking him 24 hours of the day and he was being followed by helicopter borne actors if he stepped out of his house. Some Actorazzi are camping outside his house and some have even taken up positions on the tress outside his house. Another reporter on vacation had Actorazzi troubling him as he sunbathed with his family on the Kovalam beach. He was forced to cut short his vacation and get back to his now secured apartment in Mumbai. The reporters complain that it is highly stressful to live under the constant vigil of the stars. Some reporters, who just do not want to be harassed, found creative ways to hide their faces from the Actorazzi. Mr. Srinivas Srinivasan, a reporter with The Indian Mail, dressed up as the HINI flu virus to hoodwink the Actorazzi. According to him “The actors are now wary of me and keep their distance from me heh heh.” He plans to bring out a book on the subject soon.

As this news goes to press, this reporter has realized that she has wandered away from the main topic of this news release. Since she cannot remember what it was that she was writing about to begin with, she will go ahead and publish it anyway. Speaking to no one in particular she said “I hate Mondays!”

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Gross connections

Mr. K.P.M.G. Nair (KPMGN in short), the contractor was an agitated man. Employees were not using the phones correctly he said and he was justifiably agitated.

“This is imbowssible” he fumed. ‘How difficult is it to masder a simble telephone!” he thundered.

Wiping the spittle spray from my face, I replied timidly “It is very simble indeed”

“Are you maging fun of me?” he asked belligerently.

Imbossible” I exclaimed. “I would never do such a think

“Hmm...you mind it!!! I know awl about you. You are the jawker of this ofis I know.”

“That was a hurtful thing to say…sob” I said with a pseudo heart broken look that works all the time.

Ogay! Ogay! I yam sowree. But these peobles are getting on my nurves

“Maybe I gan helb you err I mean, maybe I can help you” I said acting like I was thinging err thinking hard.

Haow?” queried Nair

“I will make some posters exblaining err explaining the use of the phone in clear illustrations!”

“You dawnt know these peoble!” said Nair shaking his head. “They will gum and asg me to esplane the posters.”

“Trust me! I will ensure that it doesn’t happen!”

"Trust and you?? Lasd dime I trusted you I yended up in the pawleece station”

“Ahem…that was an accident”

Widh you there are no accidents. Only incidents!”

“Mr. Nair, how about the posters!” I asked interjecting quickly.

“Very well. Bud if dey gum asging esplanations, I yam sending them to you!”

I got the posters done and they were put up in prominent places around the floor and conference rooms. That evening I got a call from Nair.

Anjalee what have you gone and wridden in the poster?
Nothing! We have used only illustrations!
We are getting full gross connections!!
Aiyyo…how?
That is what I yam asging you!

That night I tossed and turned in my bed. Horrible images of getting the illustrations mixed up and the resultant chaos and the accusing eyes of my colleagues haunted me. Next day I went early to the office and saw that the posters were perfectly done. I sat down wearily at my chair and picked up the phone to call home. My weariness vanished when I heard Mr. Nair’s recorded voice.

To talk – lifd phone up
To dial an Yes T D number, dial sero followed by your Phone Identity Number (PIN) followed by the Yes T D code of the city followed by the number.
To dial an ISD number, dial sero followed by your PIN followed by the coundry code followed by the phone number.
When you hear dial tone, say “Allo??”

Phone lines have jammed in the office with everyone very keen on learning to say “Allo??” Some people have even recorded the “Allo??” as their caller tune.

But the lines of communication are open again. All thangs to K.P.M.G.N!!

No offense meand err meant to anyone please!!

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Slide Shows..and how!

So we were having this Power Point presentation by a Big Shot in one of the conference rooms today. Moiself, the Boss, Foxy and a couple of other Marketing types (MT) were present. Towards the end of the fourth slide I saw Foxy frowning. Then he leaned forward and leaned back immediately as though he had had seen something horrible on the slide. The two Marketing types who were yawning and fighting sleep and snoring (in that order) were quick to follow Foxy’s gaze. Suddenly the two lost all traces of sleep and started peering intently at the slides.

MT: Sir, could you please repeat Slide number 5?
Big Shot (pleased): Sure!!!
MT: Interesting!
Big Shot (beaming): Thank you!
MT No 2: Now could you please show us Slide no 2 again?
Big Shot (beside himself with joy): Here you are!
MT : And can we see Slide No 7 once again!
Big Boss: Tell you what! I will mail this ppt to you all. I am not supposed to share this but hey, you guys have a keen interest in BTL activities I see! *BEAM*
Boss (hissing): What’s wrong with you both!!!
MT (whispering): Look at the Print Screen Image on Slide Three!!

We peered and saw that the Big Shot had taken the entire print screen image of his desktop to show our competitors webpage on the slide. On tab one, he was on the competitor’s website. On tab two he was on tarladalaldotcom. On tab three he was on herniadotcom. On Slide Two, the tabs were on pilesandfissuresdotcom, colonoscopydotcom and naughtygirldotcom. On slide four the tabs were….never mind….I do not want you all losing your dinner.

Foxy was looking very disapproving. Boss was going blue in the face trying not to laugh while I looked like I was going to puke! The two MM’s on the other hand were near the screen peering at the screen shots on Slide 6, 7 and 8. Big Shot looked absolutely thrilled and self important. As I write this post, the PPT is winging its way to stardom and fame.

Poor Big Shot.

Anyways here’s what I learned from this episode.

1. While it is a very good idea to use Print Screen shots to illustrate a web page during presentations, it would be even better if you did not take the entire print screen image for your presentation.

2. If you insist on keeping the full image, make sure you are using only one browser tab.

3. And if you insist on using multiple tabs, please ensure it is parked on Family Audience kinda pages.

4. If you see people peering with great interest at the slides, do not think you have written the Harry Potter of corporate presentations. It is really hard to see from a distance what the content of the chat window is. And who is that hot gal is who wants to spank you.

5. Please hide your Taskbar. It is a dead give away. And hotdaddy@yahoodotcom is niiiice! We like it!

6. Please close pop ups instead of minimizing them. It downright embarrassing sometimes and a dead give away to the sites you visit.

7. And lastly…Websense makes web sense.

Mind it!!

Please do not forward this to the big bosses. Their ppts with print screen images are the only source of entertainment in our dull corporate lives.Thank you!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A knotty problem

Son, time for you to get married - said the Dad.
Gmphxl!!! - said M, the son.
How many times have I told you to remove that infernal Lollipop from your mouth when you are talking to me!!!
Sorry!
So I was saying that it is time you got married.
Hmmm why this sudden interest in my marriage? Let me reach 26, and then we will think about it.
You are right! If we start searching for a girl when you are 26, we can get you married by 36!
Suits me!
%$#$@!!!

Yours truly is now recruited by the Evil Duo a.k.a. our parents to drum some sense, some emotional blackmail and some morbid philosophy into their second child’s head. I try my best.

How about settling down chets!
I am well settled kuts.
Not on the sofa cheta. I mean chose a girl and tie the knot.
What’s the purpose of tying the knot?
You can stay together, procreate, fight and then divorce.
Divorce! Hmm that sounds interesting!
!!!!!

Next, their eldest child is pulled out of his room where he was holding a deep intellectual conversation with his pillow. The Evil Duo give him the dirt and tell him to get cracking.

Da, achchan and amma want you to get married.
Hmm…
What do you think?
Hmmmm….
Well…
Bhy arr dey affer me allasuden?
Take that effing lollipop out of your mouth!
Sorry! I was saying, why are they after me all of a sudden?
Well…it will take some time for you to sift through your girlfriends and choose ‘The One’.
Choose one? Yikes! Does that mean I will have to give up the rest?
That’s the plan.
Ayye! Njan athra karan alla!!*
%$@%#!!!

* Aiyyo! I am not an unfaithful guy !

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The name game!

So we have another new joinee in our office after Ms HR. The poor guy made the mistake of sitting with us for coffee yesterday.

Colleague: Hi! I am Srinivas.
New guy: Hello! I am Apuarv. (not his real name)
MK: Welcome to Dot Bust Corporation Apoorva!
Apuarv: Thank you and its ‘Apuarv’!
Srinivas: Appu Arv aa?
Apuarv: No it is A.p.u.a.r.v.!
Srinivas (clueless): Oh!
Apuarv: You can call me Apoorva if you want!
BV: What naaansense!! We will call you by your name wonly Apaarv!
Apuarv: Sure!
BV: So Apara, tell us about the origin of your name!
Apuarv: It is a mixture of two names actually.
BV: I think it means “Singular”
Apuarv: Singular would be the meaning of “Apurva” actually!
BV: It sounds funny too heh heh. My father-in-law the late Parameswara Ramaswamy Krishna Iyer used to say, that a name that has no meaning is like thair saadam (curd rice) without curds.
LS: Since when did you start quoting your FIL! I thought you hated him!
BV: Since he died. Now I was saying Arappa, we must find out the meaning of your name. I will do it tonight!
Apuarv: Sure Sir! Thank you!
BV: Back in the 70’s when I was a student at IITM, we used to make semiconductors manually…
Srinivas: Aiyyo! What has that got to do with this!
BV: I used to have a classmate called Kanghij. It turns out he was named thus to ensure that it resembled no ones name in his fathers and mothers family hahahahahaa!!!
Everyone: *silence*
BV: Aren’t you going to ask me why?
Everyone: NO!
BV (to new guy): What is your sister called?
Apuarv: Archana
BV: Thank god!
Apuarv: Heh! :(
BV (to all): So, I will come with the meaning tomorrow. I am sure it will be interesting to know what it means!
Everyone: *groan*

Apuarv doesn't sit with us anymore.

But lets look at the bright side here. BV drew a blank with the priest at his temple (who is a Sanskrit vidwan), about the meaning of the name “Arapa”. He swore today that he will find the meaning of the name “Apura” by next weekend or he will tonsure his head at Tirupati. We are crossing our fingers now. Hopefully we will be eating Tirupati Laddoos by next Monday! Yumm!