Life is like this wonly!

Jacob, a cousin bro, who has recently been placed with an IT company here, was staying with us till he secured his own accommodation. His elder sister used to call him up from the US now and then to check on him. Conversation between Chechi (elder sister) and Aniyan (younger brother) went like this!

Chechi: How is work!
Jacob: Great! Training is going on now!
C: And what do you do on weekends?
J: I drop in here.
C: Good! So you must be going to church with aunty right!
J:Yes!


A few weeks later when Jacob got his own accommodation!

C: How are you mone?
J: I am fine chechi. How are you?
C: I am fine. My due date is any day now. Please pray from me.
J (emotionally): I will chechi. I pray for you everyday! *sniff*
C: *Sniff* And don't forget to go for Mass ok?
J: Ok!

A few days later!

C: How are you kutta?
J: I am fine!! Dying to see our vaaava (baby)!
C: ha ha he looks just like you. Reminds me of you when you were a kid!
J: Please send me some more snaps of him. I can’t get enough of his photos.
C:lol! Ok! Please pray for you nephew too when you go to church!
J: Of course!
C: You are going regularly to church no?
J: If course chechi!

A few weeks later when Jacob is at our house for lunch!

C: How are you?
J: I am fine! How are you and chetan and vaava!
C: We are all fine! Vaava's christening is on 10th. I know you will not be able to make it. But pray for him huh!
J: I am sending some stuff for him through amma!
C: Don’t send anything for him. Send some kudampulli instead!
J: lol!
C: So what else?
J: Everything is fine chechi. I am now in the Development Center!
C: Great!! Ok I gotta go now. Love you loads kutta!
J: Bye!
C: Hey wait!!! I got to tell you something!
J: Ok!!
C: *silence*
J: Helooo?
C: I am back! Had to go open the door for your chetan. What I wanted to say was, don't miss Sunday Masses okay!
J (under his breath): @#$%@
Me: ROFL!!!

Jacob tries and fails miserably in giving me his dirtiest look!! What else did he think she will say? "I got a cute gal for you!"

*sigh* wish I had a chechi :(

Have a great weekend folks!

Tiger in the woods!

Have you seen that Accenture commercials starring Tiger Woods? Very original and very creative I must admit! The commercials compare Woods' ability on the golf course to the traits of leading businesses, from foresight and preparation to flexibility based on changing circumstances.

This particular TV commercial I saw, demonstrates “Attitude”…which according to the Dictionary is a state of mind or a feeling or disposition. The commercial shows Tiger Woods about to putt a ball when his caddy drops his golf bag, chumma just like that into a water hazard! While the caddy shrugs his shoulders helplessly like a moron, Tiger Woods shakes his head in gentle remonstration. Before they can retrieve the Golf kit from the pool, an alligator or croc swims in from Australia/Florida making the task impossible!

So what does Tiger Woods do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Get his spare golf kit of course! Of course not!!! Tiger demonstrates the adaptability that is essential to every high performer by playing the entire match with the available club with him i.e the Putter! So zimble nah!

(All you Golf legends who are spinning in their graves…please chill! This is just an advertisement!)

I was so inspired by the commercial that I decided to offer free creative work to the team that made this commercial so that they don’t have to scratch their heads when its time to extend the commercial.

Situation one

Situational Word: Effulgence

Tiger Woods is playing Golf. He is aiming to putt the ball into the 10th hole when a helicopter flying above the golf course crashes just short of the 10th hole and bursts into flames. There is flames and petrol fumes between Tiger and the 10th hole! So what does Tiger Woods do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Rescue the Pilot and passengers!!!! Kidding! He thinks for a while and then takes a golf club and hits the ball in a horizontal wide arc and it flies in the air avoiding the helicopter and does a sharp right turn and falls into the hole Sivaji ishtyle! People applaud!

Voice over: All it takes is simple ideas to shine forth brilliantly. Just another day in the office for a Tiger!


Situation two

Situational Word: Facile

Tiger Woods is playing in a serious international tournament. He hits the ball for a six err hard and it falls into a herd of sheep! The herd belongs to a poor, homeless, thin, hungry three year old gal whose stepfather would beat her up if even a ball of yarn on the sheep is harmed by a golf ball or a Tiger! So what does Tiger do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Give a few million bucks from his billions towards feeding poor kids! ha ha kidding...again! He thinks for a while and takes out his Golf Iron and thwacks the ground hard a dozen times scattering turf a good hundreds yards away. The sheep run after the turf leaving the field open for Tiger who then hits the ball straight into the 18th hole. The crowds applaud and Woods throws his Accenture hat into the air and gets right back to office to code!

Voice over: The greatest of tasks is easily done! Just another day in the office for a Tiger!


Situation three

Situational Word: Celerity

Tiger Woods is playing golf…again! A mad elephant comes rampaging down the fairway, damages the green, sticks its tongue out at Woods and vanishes out of camera sight! The green is a total mess and Tiger is just one shot away from victory! What does Tiger do when faced with an unexpected turn of events that threatens his success? Go to every Ayyappa temple in the vicinity, smoke out the elephant and stick his tongue right back at him? Of course not!!! Tiger demonstrates the adaptability that is essential to every high performer by using the Sand Wedge! A silence falls over the multitude as Tiger takes aim. After some concerted aiming, Tiger hits the ball hard!! The crowds gasp as the ball takes off into the air in an arc clearing the mess made by the elephant and then dips and falls straight into the 18th hole! Everyone applauds and Tiger Woods PM gives him the day off!

Voice over: It takes great knowledge and great experience to arrive at swift decisions! Just another day in the office for a Tiger!


I can give you endless possibilities. But today is Monday and I have Solitaire err I mean Pin Ball to play! Have a nice week folks!

All 'situational words' have been arrived at after careful thought taking into account the merits of good business practices by using the search option in Dictionary which according to a study gets maximum hits from bum advertising professionals.

Consult or be damned to earn thy bread by the sweat of thy brow!

My company decided to cut costs one day.

The move led to a 90% decline in productivity levels by the very next day.

A high profile consultancy firm was hired to probe into the matter for rupees 4 Crore ONLY on the third day!

According to the report tabled by the consultants on the fourth day, the main reason for the sharp drop in productivity levels was:

Employees now have to take the paper cups from the shelf "themselves", place it under the dispenser "themselves" and press the appropriate buttons for coffee/tea "themselves" than ask Murthy to do it for them as was the usual practice!

Their advice: Hire Murthy back!

Cost cutting was dumped on the fifth day, Murthy was hired back and we are now back to our full productivity levels of 12% on weekdays!

My future children will be consultants ( whether they like it or not)!!

Shopping with stupids!

Drastic times calls for drastic measures! And if you were in my shoes, better pray that the drastic measure is not a couple of dim witted gals!!! Right now I need a vacation to recover from the debilitating after effects of massive disappointments! *sigh*

The saga of disappointments began at a sale! This particular store in one of those Bangalore malls was having a 50% Sale last week. And the three of us, that is me, mom and my second bro M, dropped in to see what they were selling for 50% that was actually 25 %. I mean most of these stores will wait for approximately one week after they open new stocks and then hike up their prices by 200% and announce a 50% sale. Then they clutch their stomachs and laugh all the way to the bank while we scramble and push and shove to buy what we think is a steal. Come to think of it, it is a steal! Either way!

Everything was mostly stolen err...sold out when we reached the store and I decided that I would sit down and wait for the other two to finish their shopping. Now shopping with family members is an interesting experience. It is so interesting that I normally carry Popcorn and soft drinks to sit and watch the non stop entertainment that follows. (In hindsight I should have carried something stronger to drink this time!)

So here I was chomping on the Popcorn, sipping a Tropicana Litchi Twirl rather noisily and looking around aimlessly when I spied D, a wannabe Mrs M. My ears perked up like a puppy scenting a packet of Pedigree being opened...well not exactly but I did sit up with hope brimming in my eyes! All I need was a tail to complete the picture…a touching picture of a rather sweet little puppy with high hopes of its elder sibling puppy marrying that nice gal puppy and leaving the house leaving her his nice room overlooking the vineyard. (The room is always larger on the other side… old family saying.)

D came into the Shoes section all smiles at having spotted M but before she could say “Hi” she spotted my Amma. In front of my horrified eyes, she ran into the Men’s inner wear section, stopped short of a display case and refused to turn around. She stood staring at the display without seeing a thing hoping against hope that she would not be spotted. I groaned. I mean, if I have to get rid of M then this silly girl should not do suicidal and risky acts like being caught in a men’s innerwear section by prospective mom in law to be!! Gimme a break!!! But it was too late. Petrified the poor gal stuffed the carry bag with what looked like a size XXXL of Jockey and ran to the Payout counter. She paid hastily and was out of the place in a jiffy…sweating profusely.

I was heartbroken!! The only other way I can get M out of that room is by dragging him by a bulldozer and that is not feasible as I do not know how to drive one. So my only hope was this silly stupid girl!!!

Sighing I settled down to the monotony of watching shoppers shop when I espied T, another admirer. My hopes soared again. I said a quick round of Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers and crossed my fingers for added effect. (If a wandering sage were to come and ask me stand on my head, I would have done that too!)

T sashayed in waving and smiling gloriously till she saw my Amma! The smile froze and she did a 180 degree about turn. Before I could say “noooooo” she was face to face with the Maternity Clothes line. I groaned again! The room, with its mauve walls that I would paint and the matching curtains that I would buy after T and M are married and gone, seemed to disappear before my very inner eyes. T frantically pretended to shop and when she couldn’t take the tension anymore, grabbed a few maternity dresses and ran to the Payout counter. I wanted to cry! You DO NOT want prospective mom in laws to see you buying maternity clothes. *sob*

After T’s departure everything was humdrum again. Then V came in…and walked right out as she saw my Mom some where in the periphery of her vision. The experienced gal she is, she didn’t need to turn her head to ascertain and get caught.

While I was sulking at the thought of going back to my cramped room, in walked H. My hopes soared again!! This time I prayed to all the Angels and Saints that Mom stays put in Foodworld. She has this uncanny ability to appear when M is about to say the worst pick up line in the world. How do you expect that poor guy to get hitched and clear the room for me huh? Hummph!!!

H was lucky. She could say a “Hi” before Mom landed up from somewhere. The poor girl had no place to run. While my mom looked at M quizzically, a hush seem to fall over the bustling floor. And while the silence strained to hear what H would say, H went red, stammered and said “Turn right for the Greeting Card section, Sir!”

*grooaann*

p.s To forget my dejection, I have decided to go on a vacation. Hopefully when I return, I will be back to my cheerful self with a license to drive a bulldozer to boot. See you all later folks. Have a nice week!

p.p.s I voted!! I wish I could show you the finger err… I mean a photo proof, but today is Mothers Day and I have decided to be kind to mine. Happy Mothers Day to all the mommies! Mines up for sale.

You got me trippin', stumbling, flippin' my lid off!

Me: You have the Lyrics of that Fergie song?
D (14 yr old cousin) : What did you say???
Me: I asked for the Lyrics of that latest Fergie number!
D (derisively): It is Fer-gee and not Fur-gee!
Me (tightly): Really? Sorry. I will remember!
D: That’s okay! If you don’t know how to pronounce a word, better not say it!
Me: By the way, do you like my new Neekay shoes?
D: What?!!!!
Me: I said, do you like my new Neekay shoes!
D: *gasp* Thats Nike and not Neekay!
Me: Wotever!! But did you like it?
D (frostily): It is Nike!
Me: he he you sound like a dark!
D (going blue in the face): It is DORK and not DARK for chrissakes!!!
Me: Yeah, big deal! btw your pal Naomi called.
D (panicking): I hope you didn’t talk to her?
Me: I said “hi dewdette” (dudette) and she started giggling and hung up! Strange!!
D(shrieking) : You said what?????? Oh my God!!! *swoon* *thud*

And Silverine walks off triumphantly into the sunset, smoking gun and all to a very retro music from Nellie Furtado playing in the background. Strike one to the very fossilized and ancient in their 20’s generation. Tee hee.

Oops! I hope I got that “tee hee” right!! brrr

The first six words in the title of this post is a Fergie number that I am undecided about. I mean, I don't know whether I love it or hate it.

Oh! Ye of simple faith!

Mary (name changed) a distant cousin of mine is 29 and still unmarried for various reasons like fussy parents and unsuccessful attempts to get her married to a boy working in Kerala.

Today her parents are desperate. They realize that they have delayed too long. They are unable to get her a suitable groom due to her age despite their best efforts and several advertisements in newspapers and registrations in matrimonial websites like Kerala Matrimony. In their desperation they turn to another aunt of mine in Bangalore for some comical err I mean spiritual relief from their dilemmas. This aunty lets call her Aunt Dogoody (AD) sets up an exclusive prayer meeting for Mary at this Catholic (but not endorsed by Church) Prayer Centre at Bangalore. While the prayer meeting was going, this is the phone conversation that took place between Mary's parents in Kottayam, Kerala and my aunt in Bangalore.

Uncle: What is happening? Has the prayer started?
AD: Oh yes....the lady here has seen a vision.
Uncle: *gasp* Really? What did she see?
AD: Your daughter, happily married to someone by this year end!
Uncle: Really! Who is the guy?
AD: She says it was not very clear. We need to convene Friday for another prayer session.
Uncle (in awe): Oh!!
AD: Please send Rs 500/- towards the next prayer session.
Uncle: Sure! I will send the money to you today itself.
AD: Make sure it reaches before next Friday or we will not be able to hold the prayer meeting and the vision may fade!

Next week:

Aunty: Hello Valsa, has the prayer started?
AD: Yes, it has. The lady is getting the vision again.
Aunty: What does she see?
AD: She says he will be between 29 and 35 and of medium height.
Aunty: That sounds good. Anything else?
AD : shhh!
Aunty (whispering): Ok!

The following week:

AD: The lady with the vision says that there is a thadasam (impediment) in your daughters marriage prospects!
Uncle: Aiyyo!
AD: She will be going into a meditating session tonight, to find an answer for the same.
Uncle: *gulp* Ok! Anything we can do?
AD: Yes you can give a donation. These people don't charge anything you know for their services.
Uncle: Sure!! I will send you a cheque right away! How much?
AD: M it Rs. 5000/- You can afford it besides it is for a good cause.
Uncle: Sure!!!

The next week:

AD: The lady with the vision says that she has prayed and removed the thadasam in your girls future.
Uncle: Thank god!! What should we do next?
AD: She suggests Kerala Matrimony!
Uncle: Oh!

One of my favorite episodes of Akkara Kazhchakal ! :p

People to people pigeon contact!

According to Scott Adams if we were to “connect citizens in different countries at such a high rate it would be politically impossible for the two countries to start a war.”

What an idea! We could all make an email pen pal in "the neighboring country" (NC) and ensure that the two countries who share a lot in common like Shah Rukh Khan and Madhuri Dixit, never go to war!

So I went right ahead folks and made my very first pen pal from the Neighboring Country!!

Dear Neighboring Country Pen Pal (NPP)

How are you! I am fine by the grace of my amma. It is so nice to have a pen pal from NC! I don’t know much about your country. But I hope together, we will discover the great cultures of our country.

Regards,

Silverine

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Silverine,

What a pleasant surprise!! You are my first pen pal from India too. Although I did try to *censored* before, but it was *censored*. I am also hoping and praying that *censored**censored**censored*. Besides we have so much in common like *censored*. But I really like Indian *censored**censored**censored*and *censored**censored*.

Warm regards
NPP
City: *censored*

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear NPP,

I finally have my very first reply from a friend in NC!!! I am so happy. My friends say "Hi”. My boss wants to know if you get daaru in NC and if so what is the rate of Jack Daniels. My Big Boss wants to know if you will marry me and take me off his hands. He jests heh heh. Funny man he is. But he says he will pay for the wedding.

Regards,

Silverine
--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Silverine,

I am so happy to see your reply and the great interest among my new Indian friends about my country. Please tell your boss that *censored* costs *censored* here and we can always arrange to have it sent across the border via *censored*.

p.s if you see too many “censored” in my mail do let me know. I will have to try and send you mails via pigeons.

Regards,

NPP

Mail Admin: General Mush Rough! Please note mail intercepted by our alert and patriotic Mail Filters!
Re: Shoot down all pigeons going into India.

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Dear NPP,

Thank you for the information. Your mail is full of *censored*. What do I do?

Regards

Silverine

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Silverine,

What the *censored*!!!!!

Mail Admin: What the hell is ‘fcuk’?
Re: *censored*
Mail Admin: :(
--------------------------------------------------------

Dear NPP,

I am afraid I didn’t understand your mail. There seems to be a serious miscommunication between us. But I guess these are early days for us. We will eventually understand each others language. So take heart and keep mailing. In the meantime here is a small article on the History of India.

Sincerely,

Silverine

Mail Admin: Caution!! Subject is talking of a “miscommunication”. I sense covert transmission. Advised further sustained surveillance.
Re: Don’t shoot our Pigeons you moron!!!
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Silverine,

Your post was very informative. Thank you. I am greatly suffering to hear about the sufferings of Indian school children. We are suffering too. But with a different suffering called *censored*.

Regards

NPP

Mail Admin: Nice list of places.
Re: They are not Night Clubs you dunce!! Now get back to work!

--------------------------------------------------------
Dear NPP,

Please tell me about your cuisine. I have attached a recipe for Curd Rice, a delicacy in South India for you to try out.

Regards
Silverine

Mail Admin: Red Alert! Subject has sent some recipe in the attachment. Handle with care!!
p.s This stuff tastes yuck!
Re: You are not supposed to taste it you idiot! It might explode in your mouth.
Mail Admin: It just did. I think my taste buds are dead.
Re: Re: Re: @#%&#$!!!!
Mail Admin: :(

--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Silverine,

Thank you for the recipe. The attachment was missing though. Attached is a recipe from my Mother.

p.s do you have pigeons?

Regards,

NPP

Mail Admin: General, this seems to be a harmless recipe for Pigeon fry!
Re: How do you know? Did you check?
Mail Admin: Oops!
Re:Re: Idiot!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear NPP,

Thank you for the delicious recipe. It was yummy! My mother says “Thank you!” and she says that she would love to have you and your family visit us when you come to India.

Regards

Silverine

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Silverine,

Thank you so much! We will definitely visit India and meet up with you and your family. I will start packing the Pigeons right away.

Regards,

NPP

Mail Admin: Red Alert! NPP is fleeing to India!! I am sure he is fleeing with our Nuclear Secrets!
Re: Over my dead body!!! I am going to launch the nuclear bomb!! First strike will be ours by Gods grace!!!!! Stand back everyone!!
Re: Re: @#&% Chinese triggers!!!!!!!
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As you can see dear friends, increased people-to-people contact is the only way we can expedite the Indo-NC peace process. So I urge all of you to get yourself pen pals from our neighboring country and aid peace in this region!

Thank you!