Sunday, December 09, 2007

A few good men...

Tis a few weeks before Christmas and all through the house not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse. (Well… that’s because the neighbor’s stupid cat is a champion mouser.) The house is empty save for the noise of my keyboard tap tapping away. My mom is out for a prayer meeting. The prayer meeting is for a departed soul, but I know she will cheat and pray that I get some sense into my head. Dad is out for an achayan get-together. One bro is out of town and the other is out cold....with a hangover. So technically, I am alone in the house with my doggies. The baby squirrel has flown the coup….sob

Usually an empty house makes me feel like an orphan and I go all teary eyed and feel very sorry for myself. But today I am in an introspective mood. So I will go teary eyed and feel sorry for myself after I have written this post.

Since the time I have started working I have resigned twice. I lasted approximately three months in my first job.

HR: What!! You have resigned???
Me: err… I hope the resignation letter doesn’t convey anything else!
HR: Why have you resigned?
Me: I don’t want to work here anymore.
HR (irritably): That I know. But why have you resigned?
Me: Like I told you before, I don’t want to work here anymore.
HR (trying not to shout): And why don’t you want to work here any more?
Me: Because I don’t like this place.
HR (kindly): This is your first job dear?
Me: Yes :(
HR: What I am trying to ask is, why are you unhappy here?
Me: Because I cannot finish the tasks assigned to me.
HR: Why? What’s coming in the way of your work?
Me: Well…I am finding it hard to finish one brochure a month…
HR: Only one brochure!! And you say that it is a difficult thing to do??
Me: And the 14 Print ads
HR: What?!
Me: and 34 Web banners…
HR: err…
Me: And 4 Flash Presentations….
HR: Well…
Me: And the 24 Product Specifications Leaflets
HR: *squirm*
Me: and the 5 Events per month, the Managers Speech at the events, presentations, letter to the stake holders, website content writing…besides the monthly Internal newsletters, Channel Newsletter, Dealer Newsletter, ….
HR: %$^#&#& who is your manager???!!!

I don’t know what happened after that. But I am sure the Manager got a good ticking off from the HR. Serves him right too!!

HR: How can you drive away such a juicy bakra?????
Manager: *gulp* I am sorry. I guess I got too carried away and over utilized her. It was kinda nice to see her working 20 hours a day. I think it was my latent tendency to sadism. I should have curbed it I know but….
HR: This is a grave indiscretion from your side!!! As a manager of this organization you are supposed to make the bakra feel like a “valuable resource”!!!! You made her feel like a *gasp* bakra!!! Shame on you!!!
Manager: *sob*
HR: I am afraid I will have to escalate this to the VP- Human Resources!
Manager (falling at her feet and breaking down): *bawl* Please forgive me. I promise I will never make a bakra feel like a bakra again!!
HR: Say “Pretty please”
Manager: Pretty pleeeeease.
HR: “With a cherry on top!”
Manager: With a $%#^# cherry on top!!
HR: Now kiss my boots!!
Manager: *muuuaah*
HR: You are forgiven this time!! Now stop groveling man and go interview the potential bakras I have lined up for you.
Manager: %$^#&# err I mean thank you!

Like I said “serves him right”

I think the necessary qualities of being a Manager, is the art of deception. The art of making your subordinate feel like a dimwit-you-erroneously-consider-very-clever. Now that must sound confusing to most people. But 'successful managers' as opposed to 'good managers' are adept in the art of convincing their subordinates, that they are no good and that they i.e their Manager is not aware of this fact. This keeps the subordinate on their toes and the manager happy. A win win situation for the manager and a win win situation kinda feeling for the employee. I am sure there is an Institute where Managers enroll to learn about the finer aspects of man management.

Professor: And now class, how do you make your subordinate work 18 hours days and still feel guilty that he is not putting in enough???
Managerial Student 1: I would congratulate him on his good performance and hint that he can do better!
Professor: Excellent!!!! And how do you induce cut throat competition in your team???
Managerial Student 1: By meeting each team member separately and telling them they have more potential than the next guy??
Professor: Bravo!!!! I am so proud of you!
Managerial Student 2: Sir, I beg to differ. I think a good manager should acknowledge his subordinate when he is doing well and help him do better if he is not upto the expectations.
Professor: Horrors!!! Whoever gave you admission into this Institute???
Managerial Student 2: But Sir….
Professor: I am afraid you do not have it in you to be a good manager. You are a bad influence on the other students too. We will have to remove you from our rolls. Goodbye son!

Sound of a resounding *THUD* as two hefty men throw Managerial Student 2 out of the Institute gate.

Guess people like him joins the ranks of Managers who come up the hard way through hard work, building responsive interpersonal relationships, good finance sense, team building, recognizing and rewarding good work and improving morale of slackers and leadership through example. May their tribe increase and join the ranks of my last boss and present boss. Amen!

Funny...now I dont feel so sorry for myself!

19 comments:

Wanderlust said...

Good one...I recently got this in one of the email forwards :

"The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."

Oh the compulsions of being a manager ..Sigh !!

Sailesh Ganesh said...

LOL!! Right then, this post will be the clinching factor that will push me towards an MBA!

Amey said...

Are you entirely sure that's how the interview with HR went? It is entirely possible that with the ticking-off, the manager got a bonus for "cutting costs" i.e. getting work of 4 persons done by a single one.

mathew said...

professor-student sequence was too good..:-)

now i know why HR sounds like an abbreviation for HORROR..they must be handled with care..they anyway gonna bite you..but you can delay getting bitten!!

P.S. Silverine is giving free lunch to all folks in her team at Leela Palace in a display of camaraderie with colleagues.

P.P.S anyone from her team reading this comment please send out a mail BCC to all in office..thats the least we could do to beloved managers..;-P

crazyBugga said...

is it true that managers are paid the cumulative salary of those under him/her?

silverine said...

Wanderlust: Good one!! There are managers and there are managers. Pure luck if you have a good one :)

sailesh: Glad I was of help :p

amey: No! Managers do get hauled up for attrition :)

mathew: If you actually want to see the true face of HR, try resigning. Thats when they sting real hard :)
p.s one member of my team does read this blog and has recently started her own. Of course I keep an eagle eye on the same lol!!!

crazybugga: Absolutely not as far as I know!!! :)

ദീപു : sandeep said...

beats be managers' thought process... after becoming managers from TLs ;)

the prof - student conv was really funny

Bullshee said...

spot on! Good job!

And I laughed out loud at the grovelling manager and the god-level HR jerk!! Ha ha!

jinguchakka said...

:-)

Deepak George said...

Hey gal !! why don't u generate some income by configuring adsense on ur blog.. Anyways I enjoy reading your blog..not a frequent reader though.. You have got great talents for writing..Keep it going.

I was shown your blog by Anish Mathew.

Deepak George
www.deepakgeorge.com

Amey said...

Oh I forgot, you have also shifted the sides now ;)

C said...

it feels gud to spend time jus to read thro ur scribblings!
n heuristicaly! u shld be single to spend a helowa time online to share ur experiences! ;)
wonderstruck to to even believ th fact tat females like u too DO exist in US based software companies :P :D

most of urs are different flavors of wat we experience daily!

and silverline, u gals atleast get a privacy in ur restrooms, to even sit n work!! :P bt we guys are poor souls! our PMs never cease questioning us even in th urinals!
gues i found one more reason to hav a lady PM :D he eh eh

keep scribbling..

-ioWint

mad hatter said...

ahem...u might want to add this to your blogs sometime.
Just came back from a HR meeting, was given the 3rd degree as to why on 6, 7,4,10 days in the past 4 months i was late by .01 minutes...
do note: we get the prized red pen to sign in the register(how antiquated) on these occasions. Blue pen for when we have been good babies. :), and they very conviniently forget the fact that on most of the days i am in office till late night trying to finish off their bloody work...
lovely posts as always...sorry for ranting away there... :)
cheers and please never do stop writing...

Ajith said...

Forward this to Scott Adams :)

Syam said...

gimme a reason for NOT applying for adsense :|
you wouldnt need a boss nor a job :D

silverine said...

sandeep: Thank you :)

bullshee: Birds of a feather we are :p

jinguchakka: :)

deepak george: Thank you :)

amey: The saddest fact of life is that there is always a manager above you. :)

C: Thank you :) Yes I am single and it takes just three seconds to post a blog....one doesnt need to be online all the time for the same :p And I have exp life with a female manager for a week when I was doing a project for her and she would insist on talking work in the loo like your PM :)

mad hatter: Thank you :) And *Ugh*....that sounds so schoolish!! I swear, these HR seem to have no clue as to what life at the work floor is all about brrrr.


ajith: He is awesome isnt he? :)

syam: I did apply for adsense, but I didnt know how to weed out objectionable ads and so pulled it down :)

Syam said...

ah okies...
i tried to same in mine..(theloyolitediaries.wordpress.com)
had similar problems and gave up :D

zahid said...

Thats no way to scare aspiring management students silverine !!

silverine said...

Zahid: It is not Management students but 'Managerial students' as in people getting promoted to managers within the organization.