Warning: Long post ahead!
I am back folks after a couple of days in the sun on Goa’s sandy beaches that I merely saw through the car windows as I rushed about getting things ready for a very dear friends wedding. Dear friend (henceforth referred to as DF) had suddenly decided that she would marry her long-time-boyfriend-whom-her-Dad-hated (hence forth referred to as LTBDH). To make things complicated, her mom too hated her boyfriend’s ponytail though she liked him as a person she said. DF is from one of those wealthy old rich families from Goa. While LTBDH’s ancestors had made it big quite recently like in the early 1800’s which was a clear 200 years after DF’s ancestors had become rich. This made LTBDH a new rich and hence unacceptable. No girl/boy from DF’s ancient family ever married a nouveau riche.
It all started one rainy morning at 3 am when I was asnooze under the warm blanket of knowledge that my phone is off the hook. I am jolted out of my warm security blanket by the strident ringing of the phone in the hallway.
Me: hellllloyawwwwwn!!
DF: You asleep?
Me: No, I was lying here with my eyes closed trying to the break the Guinness Book of World Record in keeping my eyelids closed for the maximum number of hours. It’s been 6 hours now and thanks to you I will not be able to break the world record.
DF: I am in trouble!
Me: That makes you my closest competitor in breaking the Guinness Book of World in getting into trouble.
DF: I think I will die if I don’t marry Brian.
Me: That is sad.
DF: What do you mean sad.
Me: I will never make it to the Guinness Book of World Record for sleeping one night without a call from you at some unearthly hour!
DF: I am going to get married to him tomorrow in Goa.
Me: What!!! Your poor Dad was so close to breaking the Guinness Book of World Record for missing Brian with his shotgun!! Brian is a sitting duck in the church!! Poor man you will spoil his chances too wont you???
DF: I will pick you up at 6 am sharp.
Me: Shall I bring my brain along or shall I leave it in the freezer? I am so close to breaking the Guinness Book of World Record in following your diktats blindly you know?
DF: Shut up and go to sleep!
Me: Ok master! Yipee I just made it to the Guinness Book of World Record by breaking my previous record of following your diktats blindly!
DF: Carry your driving license. You are driving from Davangere onwards.
Me: Why Davangere onwards?
DF: Because the road is really bad from there stupid!
Me: That makes me close to breaking the Guinness Book of World Record in …
DF: *Click*
That just broke the world record in the number of times DF hung up on me I guess!
Anyways after some frantic shopping for wedding clothes that were both elegant and bullet proof, we left for Goa. The journey was uneventful except for Sankey Tank sized craters and Ulsoor Lake sized ditches and Sarjapur Lake sized potholes besides several Lorries lying belly up shamelessly flashing their privates in various angles forcing us to take detours through villages that were perhaps getting visitors from the outside world for the first time.
Villager One: Look! A metal apparition with strange females inside!!!
Villager Two: Naah, that is just the annual clearance sale for elegant and bullet proof wedding clothes.
Villager One: My bad.
We reached Goa in good time, singing “Soni De Nakhre” and “Mind Blowing Mahia” from Cash in off key, severely shrill voices that could be one of the reasons why the lorry drivers gave way so hastily. As soon as we reached DF’s ancestral house err mansion, we were welcomed by a bevy of anxious looking relatives who were looking worried, scared and anxious (in that order).
Mom (anxiously): Your Dad is looking high and low for Brian!
DF: Tell him to clean his rifle scope ma!
Dad: Damn it!! I knew I was doing something wrong!!
The next crisis was the Church. Apparently old Goa churches are not bullet proof nor do they allow guns inside. The latter has nothing to do with the eleventh commandment “Thou shall not kill thy son in law” but more to do with the fact that the Churches are very old and will crumble under the sonic boom of gunfire. To make things worse, DF put her foot down and said that she will get married in their parish Church only and nowhere else. Dad’s eyes glowed with pride. He would finally get to shoot Brian. After much hyperventilation and anxiety attacks we managed to (1) convince her to settle for the convent chapel for the wedding and (2) convince her Uncles to get her Dad sloshed enough to get the Nuptials* over and done with. We did not have much choice but a private chapel was the only way we could keep an eye on Daddy dearest and his rifle.
The wedding went fine.
Priest: Do you DF take LTBDH to be your lawfully wedded husband.
Dad: *hic*
Priest: Do you LTBDH take DF to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Dad: *burrrp*
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife!
Congregation: *whew*
Dad: *snore*
The photo op went fine with Daddy dearest smiling blissfully, the newlyweds looking wary and the relations looking relieved.
The reception went even greater on the green lawns that skirt DF’s ancestral house adjoining the Mandovi river. We took turns dancing with Daddy dearest and keeping him in high spirits. Daddy was the life of the party. He even raised his glass to the newly weds before passing out.
Chicken Xacuti, Prawn Balchao, Pork Sorportel and Vindaloo and hundred other melt in the mouth morsels later, we whisked the newly weds away to their honey moon suite. We had booked two just in case Daddy dearest decided to crash the honeymoon night rifle in tow. We needn’t have bothered. He had passed out for the evening.
Next day when we were leaving for Bangalore, Daddy dearest gave us a present as a token of his appreciation for all the help. It was a highly polished brass bullet from the 19th century he said. Guaranteed to kill an elephant and highly volatile too he said. And a collector’s item to boot.
The journey back very eventful with everyone flinching and covering their ears when we hit a pothole wondering when the volatile gift would explode blowing us to pieces. Someone suggested we throw it out instead of being blown to smithereens. By the time we debated and argued over it, we were in Bangalore. I gingerly handed over the bullet to my dad asking him to be careful. Dad turned it up and down and around while I looked on nervously and declared the bullet... a blank.
No prizes for guessing who cussed the loudest and longest!
But lets look at the bright side here. Daddy dearest and us are even now. Thank god!
* the nuptials is the actual wedding ceremony where the couple exchange vows and are pronounced man and wife.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Much ado about nothing
Mumbai: News has just come in that Mah Rukh Kkkan, an Indian actor and superstar was held back for secondary investigations at an US airport. He was in transit to another US city. The immigration officer refused to buy the story that he was an Indian superstar. In a press statement the official said, “He looks nothing like a superstar. He is clearly lying!!”
Meanwhile news of his detention spread like wildfire and the film fraternity came out strongly in support of the actor.
Harinder Singh, who describes himself as “a very popular Indian actor” said “These Americans are such airheads!!! Any kid can give you the dirt on Mah Rukh. We need to make a big stink about this so that this is not repeated. What a bummer!”
Mr. Hail Kan another Indian actor who says that he will be the “next superstar” said “It’s not like Mah Rukh had any hardware on him! I do not think that officer had it all together!!”
“Pardon me if I am getting a little huffy” said Kriyanka Opra an Indian actress, “but Mah Rukh is an Indian superstar in India. Detaining him for questioning is ridiculous. GET REAL!!!!”
Reporters interviewing the stars were seen consulting the “The Complete Book of American Slang – Eighth Edition” before sending in their stories for publishing. They are hoping that the US authorities will not hold back prominent Indians in India in the US in future as it causes considerable delays in getting the story to the press. The Press Distrust of India met the US Ambassador in New Delhi and handed over a letter of protest in this regard in UK English. The Ambassador has promised to look into the matter as soon as he can get the letter translated into US English.
Meanwhile the Minister for Something Ms. Mookambika Tony has said that the situation calls for a ‘tit for tat’ treatment for Americans. The announcement has catapulted India into the 'Most Preferred Destination' for Americans in 2009. According to Brad Kelley, an American who is planning to visit India, “Tit for tat sounds great. But what is “tat’? Is it legal?”
“I am deeply hurt by this incident” said Dolly Dimple, a B grade actress “they should have not treated whatshisname the way they did!!” Rajesh Gumnaam another B Grade actor said that “My new movie Junglee Bhoot will be released soon and oh yes...I hope what happened to Hrithik Roshan does not happen again.”
Flop actor Jaani Singh said “I want to voice my protest over this incident and reassure my fans that I will make my 65th comeback soon” He was then seen chasing the reporter who refused to film his interview. Reporters were seen running helter-skelter in Mumbai as swarms of B Grade, C Grade and flop actors descended on them to give their quotes on the subject.
In the meantime, Ms Mookambika announced at a Press Conference today, that all Americans coming into India will now be questioned for two hours and then given one phone call before being released. As per government rules the phone connection used will be BSNL. As an after thought she said that the number of phone calls will be raised to 250 considering certain factors which she refused to elaborate on.
Meanwhile the minister has asked the immigration department to compile 120 objective questions of one minute duration for detention purposes. The questionnaire will be prepared by the Government Services Recruitment Board (GSRB) to detain Americans coming into India. Before this news went to press it has been reliably learned that the questionnaire is now available for Rs 2000 to Rs. 3000/- from your neighborhood LEQPP (R) (Leaked Examination Question Paper provider).
Meanwhile press and TV reporters covering the story have gone into hiding as every Indian actor and actress worth their salt have been haranguing them for airtime. Mr Zubin Newswallah, a harried reporter said that the Actorazzi were stalking him 24 hours of the day and he was being followed by helicopter borne actors if he stepped out of his house. Some Actorazzi are camping outside his house and some have even taken up positions on the tress outside his house. Another reporter on vacation had Actorazzi troubling him as he sunbathed with his family on the Kovalam beach. He was forced to cut short his vacation and get back to his now secured apartment in Mumbai. The reporters complain that it is highly stressful to live under the constant vigil of the stars. Some reporters, who just do not want to be harassed, found creative ways to hide their faces from the Actorazzi. Mr. Srinivas Srinivasan, a reporter with The Indian Mail, dressed up as the HINI flu virus to hoodwink the Actorazzi. According to him “The actors are now wary of me and keep their distance from me heh heh.” He plans to bring out a book on the subject soon.
As this news goes to press, this reporter has realized that she has wandered away from the main topic of this news release. Since she cannot remember what it was that she was writing about to begin with, she will go ahead and publish it anyway. Speaking to no one in particular she said “I hate Mondays!”
Meanwhile news of his detention spread like wildfire and the film fraternity came out strongly in support of the actor.
Harinder Singh, who describes himself as “a very popular Indian actor” said “These Americans are such airheads!!! Any kid can give you the dirt on Mah Rukh. We need to make a big stink about this so that this is not repeated. What a bummer!”
Mr. Hail Kan another Indian actor who says that he will be the “next superstar” said “It’s not like Mah Rukh had any hardware on him! I do not think that officer had it all together!!”
“Pardon me if I am getting a little huffy” said Kriyanka Opra an Indian actress, “but Mah Rukh is an Indian superstar in India. Detaining him for questioning is ridiculous. GET REAL!!!!”
Reporters interviewing the stars were seen consulting the “The Complete Book of American Slang – Eighth Edition” before sending in their stories for publishing. They are hoping that the US authorities will not hold back prominent Indians in India in the US in future as it causes considerable delays in getting the story to the press. The Press Distrust of India met the US Ambassador in New Delhi and handed over a letter of protest in this regard in UK English. The Ambassador has promised to look into the matter as soon as he can get the letter translated into US English.
Meanwhile the Minister for Something Ms. Mookambika Tony has said that the situation calls for a ‘tit for tat’ treatment for Americans. The announcement has catapulted India into the 'Most Preferred Destination' for Americans in 2009. According to Brad Kelley, an American who is planning to visit India, “Tit for tat sounds great. But what is “tat’? Is it legal?”
“I am deeply hurt by this incident” said Dolly Dimple, a B grade actress “they should have not treated whatshisname the way they did!!” Rajesh Gumnaam another B Grade actor said that “My new movie Junglee Bhoot will be released soon and oh yes...I hope what happened to Hrithik Roshan does not happen again.”
Flop actor Jaani Singh said “I want to voice my protest over this incident and reassure my fans that I will make my 65th comeback soon” He was then seen chasing the reporter who refused to film his interview. Reporters were seen running helter-skelter in Mumbai as swarms of B Grade, C Grade and flop actors descended on them to give their quotes on the subject.
In the meantime, Ms Mookambika announced at a Press Conference today, that all Americans coming into India will now be questioned for two hours and then given one phone call before being released. As per government rules the phone connection used will be BSNL. As an after thought she said that the number of phone calls will be raised to 250 considering certain factors which she refused to elaborate on.
Meanwhile the minister has asked the immigration department to compile 120 objective questions of one minute duration for detention purposes. The questionnaire will be prepared by the Government Services Recruitment Board (GSRB) to detain Americans coming into India. Before this news went to press it has been reliably learned that the questionnaire is now available for Rs 2000 to Rs. 3000/- from your neighborhood LEQPP (R) (Leaked Examination Question Paper provider).
Meanwhile press and TV reporters covering the story have gone into hiding as every Indian actor and actress worth their salt have been haranguing them for airtime. Mr Zubin Newswallah, a harried reporter said that the Actorazzi were stalking him 24 hours of the day and he was being followed by helicopter borne actors if he stepped out of his house. Some Actorazzi are camping outside his house and some have even taken up positions on the tress outside his house. Another reporter on vacation had Actorazzi troubling him as he sunbathed with his family on the Kovalam beach. He was forced to cut short his vacation and get back to his now secured apartment in Mumbai. The reporters complain that it is highly stressful to live under the constant vigil of the stars. Some reporters, who just do not want to be harassed, found creative ways to hide their faces from the Actorazzi. Mr. Srinivas Srinivasan, a reporter with The Indian Mail, dressed up as the HINI flu virus to hoodwink the Actorazzi. According to him “The actors are now wary of me and keep their distance from me heh heh.” He plans to bring out a book on the subject soon.
As this news goes to press, this reporter has realized that she has wandered away from the main topic of this news release. Since she cannot remember what it was that she was writing about to begin with, she will go ahead and publish it anyway. Speaking to no one in particular she said “I hate Mondays!”
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Gross connections
Mr. K.P.M.G. Nair (KPMGN in short), the contractor was an agitated man. Employees were not using the phones correctly he said and he was justifiably agitated.
“This is imbowssible” he fumed. ‘How difficult is it to masder a simble telephone!” he thundered.
Wiping the spittle spray from my face, I replied timidly “It is very simble indeed”
“Are you maging fun of me?” he asked belligerently.
“Imbossible” I exclaimed. “I would never do such a think”
“Hmm...you mind it!!! I know awl about you. You are the jawker of this ofis I know.”
“That was a hurtful thing to say…sob” I said with a pseudo heart broken look that works all the time.
“Ogay! Ogay! I yam sowree. But these peobles are getting on my nurves”
“Maybe I gan helb you err I mean, maybe I can help you” I said acting like I was thinging err thinking hard.
“Haow?” queried Nair
“I will make some posters exblaining err explaining the use of the phone in clear illustrations!”
“You dawnt know these peoble!” said Nair shaking his head. “They will gum and asg me to esplane the posters.”
“Trust me! I will ensure that it doesn’t happen!”
"Trust and you?? Lasd dime I trusted you I yended up in the pawleece station”
“Ahem…that was an accident”
“Widh you there are no accidents. Only incidents!”
“Mr. Nair, how about the posters!” I asked interjecting quickly.
“Very well. Bud if dey gum asging esplanations, I yam sending them to you!”
I got the posters done and they were put up in prominent places around the floor and conference rooms. That evening I got a call from Nair.
Anjalee what have you gone and wridden in the poster?
Nothing! We have used only illustrations!
We are getting full gross connections!!
Aiyyo…how?
That is what I yam asging you!
That night I tossed and turned in my bed. Horrible images of getting the illustrations mixed up and the resultant chaos and the accusing eyes of my colleagues haunted me. Next day I went early to the office and saw that the posters were perfectly done. I sat down wearily at my chair and picked up the phone to call home. My weariness vanished when I heard Mr. Nair’s recorded voice.
To talk – lifd phone up
To dial an Yes T D number, dial sero followed by your Phone Identity Number (PIN) followed by the Yes T D code of the city followed by the number.
To dial an ISD number, dial sero followed by your PIN followed by the coundry code followed by the phone number.
When you hear dial tone, say “Allo??”
Phone lines have jammed in the office with everyone very keen on learning to say “Allo??” Some people have even recorded the “Allo??” as their caller tune.
But the lines of communication are open again. All thangs to K.P.M.G.N!!
No offense meand err meant to anyone please!!
“This is imbowssible” he fumed. ‘How difficult is it to masder a simble telephone!” he thundered.
Wiping the spittle spray from my face, I replied timidly “It is very simble indeed”
“Are you maging fun of me?” he asked belligerently.
“Imbossible” I exclaimed. “I would never do such a think”
“Hmm...you mind it!!! I know awl about you. You are the jawker of this ofis I know.”
“That was a hurtful thing to say…sob” I said with a pseudo heart broken look that works all the time.
“Ogay! Ogay! I yam sowree. But these peobles are getting on my nurves”
“Maybe I gan helb you err I mean, maybe I can help you” I said acting like I was thinging err thinking hard.
“Haow?” queried Nair
“I will make some posters exblaining err explaining the use of the phone in clear illustrations!”
“You dawnt know these peoble!” said Nair shaking his head. “They will gum and asg me to esplane the posters.”
“Trust me! I will ensure that it doesn’t happen!”
"Trust and you?? Lasd dime I trusted you I yended up in the pawleece station”
“Ahem…that was an accident”
“Widh you there are no accidents. Only incidents!”
“Mr. Nair, how about the posters!” I asked interjecting quickly.
“Very well. Bud if dey gum asging esplanations, I yam sending them to you!”
I got the posters done and they were put up in prominent places around the floor and conference rooms. That evening I got a call from Nair.
Anjalee what have you gone and wridden in the poster?
Nothing! We have used only illustrations!
We are getting full gross connections!!
Aiyyo…how?
That is what I yam asging you!
That night I tossed and turned in my bed. Horrible images of getting the illustrations mixed up and the resultant chaos and the accusing eyes of my colleagues haunted me. Next day I went early to the office and saw that the posters were perfectly done. I sat down wearily at my chair and picked up the phone to call home. My weariness vanished when I heard Mr. Nair’s recorded voice.
To talk – lifd phone up
To dial an Yes T D number, dial sero followed by your Phone Identity Number (PIN) followed by the Yes T D code of the city followed by the number.
To dial an ISD number, dial sero followed by your PIN followed by the coundry code followed by the phone number.
When you hear dial tone, say “Allo??”
Phone lines have jammed in the office with everyone very keen on learning to say “Allo??” Some people have even recorded the “Allo??” as their caller tune.
But the lines of communication are open again. All thangs to K.P.M.G.N!!
No offense meand err meant to anyone please!!
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Slide Shows..and how!
So we were having this Power Point presentation by a Big Shot in one of the conference rooms today. Moiself, the Boss, Foxy and a couple of other Marketing types (MT) were present. Towards the end of the fourth slide I saw Foxy frowning. Then he leaned forward and leaned back immediately as though he had had seen something horrible on the slide. The two Marketing types who were yawning and fighting sleep and snoring (in that order) were quick to follow Foxy’s gaze. Suddenly the two lost all traces of sleep and started peering intently at the slides.
MT: Sir, could you please repeat Slide number 5?
Big Shot (pleased): Sure!!!
MT: Interesting!
Big Shot (beaming): Thank you!
MT No 2: Now could you please show us Slide no 2 again?
Big Shot (beside himself with joy): Here you are!
MT : And can we see Slide No 7 once again!
Big Boss: Tell you what! I will mail this ppt to you all. I am not supposed to share this but hey, you guys have a keen interest in BTL activities I see! *BEAM*
Boss (hissing): What’s wrong with you both!!!
MT (whispering): Look at the Print Screen Image on Slide Three!!
We peered and saw that the Big Shot had taken the entire print screen image of his desktop to show our competitors webpage on the slide. On tab one, he was on the competitor’s website. On tab two he was on tarladalaldotcom. On tab three he was on herniadotcom. On Slide Two, the tabs were on pilesandfissuresdotcom, colonoscopydotcom and naughtygirldotcom. On slide four the tabs were….never mind….I do not want you all losing your dinner.
Foxy was looking very disapproving. Boss was going blue in the face trying not to laugh while I looked like I was going to puke! The two MM’s on the other hand were near the screen peering at the screen shots on Slide 6, 7 and 8. Big Shot looked absolutely thrilled and self important. As I write this post, the PPT is winging its way to stardom and fame.
Poor Big Shot.
Anyways here’s what I learned from this episode.
1. While it is a very good idea to use Print Screen shots to illustrate a web page during presentations, it would be even better if you did not take the entire print screen image for your presentation.
2. If you insist on keeping the full image, make sure you are using only one browser tab.
3. And if you insist on using multiple tabs, please ensure it is parked on Family Audience kinda pages.
4. If you see people peering with great interest at the slides, do not think you have written the Harry Potter of corporate presentations. It is really hard to see from a distance what the content of the chat window is. And who is that hot gal is who wants to spank you.
5. Please hide your Taskbar. It is a dead give away. And hotdaddy@yahoodotcom is niiiice! We like it!
6. Please close pop ups instead of minimizing them. It downright embarrassing sometimes and a dead give away to the sites you visit.
7. And lastly…Websense makes web sense.
Mind it!!
Please do not forward this to the big bosses. Their ppts with print screen images are the only source of entertainment in our dull corporate lives.Thank you!
MT: Sir, could you please repeat Slide number 5?
Big Shot (pleased): Sure!!!
MT: Interesting!
Big Shot (beaming): Thank you!
MT No 2: Now could you please show us Slide no 2 again?
Big Shot (beside himself with joy): Here you are!
MT : And can we see Slide No 7 once again!
Big Boss: Tell you what! I will mail this ppt to you all. I am not supposed to share this but hey, you guys have a keen interest in BTL activities I see! *BEAM*
Boss (hissing): What’s wrong with you both!!!
MT (whispering): Look at the Print Screen Image on Slide Three!!
We peered and saw that the Big Shot had taken the entire print screen image of his desktop to show our competitors webpage on the slide. On tab one, he was on the competitor’s website. On tab two he was on tarladalaldotcom. On tab three he was on herniadotcom. On Slide Two, the tabs were on pilesandfissuresdotcom, colonoscopydotcom and naughtygirldotcom. On slide four the tabs were….never mind….I do not want you all losing your dinner.
Foxy was looking very disapproving. Boss was going blue in the face trying not to laugh while I looked like I was going to puke! The two MM’s on the other hand were near the screen peering at the screen shots on Slide 6, 7 and 8. Big Shot looked absolutely thrilled and self important. As I write this post, the PPT is winging its way to stardom and fame.
Poor Big Shot.
Anyways here’s what I learned from this episode.
1. While it is a very good idea to use Print Screen shots to illustrate a web page during presentations, it would be even better if you did not take the entire print screen image for your presentation.
2. If you insist on keeping the full image, make sure you are using only one browser tab.
3. And if you insist on using multiple tabs, please ensure it is parked on Family Audience kinda pages.
4. If you see people peering with great interest at the slides, do not think you have written the Harry Potter of corporate presentations. It is really hard to see from a distance what the content of the chat window is. And who is that hot gal is who wants to spank you.
5. Please hide your Taskbar. It is a dead give away. And hotdaddy@yahoodotcom is niiiice! We like it!
6. Please close pop ups instead of minimizing them. It downright embarrassing sometimes and a dead give away to the sites you visit.
7. And lastly…Websense makes web sense.
Mind it!!
Please do not forward this to the big bosses. Their ppts with print screen images are the only source of entertainment in our dull corporate lives.Thank you!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
A knotty problem
Son, time for you to get married - said the Dad.
Gmphxl!!! - said M, the son.
How many times have I told you to remove that infernal Lollipop from your mouth when you are talking to me!!!
Sorry!
So I was saying that it is time you got married.
Hmmm why this sudden interest in my marriage? Let me reach 26, and then we will think about it.
You are right! If we start searching for a girl when you are 26, we can get you married by 36!
Suits me!
%$#$@!!!
Yours truly is now recruited by the Evil Duo a.k.a. our parents to drum some sense, some emotional blackmail and some morbid philosophy into their second child’s head. I try my best.
How about settling down chets!
I am well settled kuts.
Not on the sofa cheta. I mean chose a girl and tie the knot.
What’s the purpose of tying the knot?
You can stay together, procreate, fight and then divorce.
Divorce! Hmm that sounds interesting!
!!!!!
Next, their eldest child is pulled out of his room where he was holding a deep intellectual conversation with his pillow. The Evil Duo give him the dirt and tell him to get cracking.
Da, achchan and amma want you to get married.
Hmm…
What do you think?
Hmmmm….
Well…
Bhy arr dey affer me allasuden?
Take that effing lollipop out of your mouth!
Sorry! I was saying, why are they after me all of a sudden?
Well…it will take some time for you to sift through your girlfriends and choose ‘The One’.
Choose one? Yikes! Does that mean I will have to give up the rest?
That’s the plan.
Ayye! Njan athra karan alla!!*
%$@%#!!!
* Aiyyo! I am not an unfaithful guy !
Gmphxl!!! - said M, the son.
How many times have I told you to remove that infernal Lollipop from your mouth when you are talking to me!!!
Sorry!
So I was saying that it is time you got married.
Hmmm why this sudden interest in my marriage? Let me reach 26, and then we will think about it.
You are right! If we start searching for a girl when you are 26, we can get you married by 36!
Suits me!
%$#$@!!!
Yours truly is now recruited by the Evil Duo a.k.a. our parents to drum some sense, some emotional blackmail and some morbid philosophy into their second child’s head. I try my best.
How about settling down chets!
I am well settled kuts.
Not on the sofa cheta. I mean chose a girl and tie the knot.
What’s the purpose of tying the knot?
You can stay together, procreate, fight and then divorce.
Divorce! Hmm that sounds interesting!
!!!!!
Next, their eldest child is pulled out of his room where he was holding a deep intellectual conversation with his pillow. The Evil Duo give him the dirt and tell him to get cracking.
Da, achchan and amma want you to get married.
Hmm…
What do you think?
Hmmmm….
Well…
Bhy arr dey affer me allasuden?
Take that effing lollipop out of your mouth!
Sorry! I was saying, why are they after me all of a sudden?
Well…it will take some time for you to sift through your girlfriends and choose ‘The One’.
Choose one? Yikes! Does that mean I will have to give up the rest?
That’s the plan.
Ayye! Njan athra karan alla!!*
%$@%#!!!
* Aiyyo! I am not an unfaithful guy !
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The name game!
So we have another new joinee in our office after Ms HR. The poor guy made the mistake of sitting with us for coffee yesterday.
Colleague: Hi! I am Srinivas.
New guy: Hello! I am Apuarv. (not his real name)
MK: Welcome to Dot Bust Corporation Apoorva!
Apuarv: Thank you and its ‘Apuarv’!
Srinivas: Appu Arv aa?
Apuarv: No it is A.p.u.a.r.v.!
Srinivas (clueless): Oh!
Apuarv: You can call me Apoorva if you want!
BV: What naaansense!! We will call you by your name wonly Apaarv!
Apuarv: Sure!
BV: So Apara, tell us about the origin of your name!
Apuarv: It is a mixture of two names actually.
BV: I think it means “Singular”
Apuarv: Singular would be the meaning of “Apurva” actually!
BV: It sounds funny too heh heh. My father-in-law the late Parameswara Ramaswamy Krishna Iyer used to say, that a name that has no meaning is like thair saadam (curd rice) without curds.
LS: Since when did you start quoting your FIL! I thought you hated him!
BV: Since he died. Now I was saying Arappa, we must find out the meaning of your name. I will do it tonight!
Apuarv: Sure Sir! Thank you!
BV: Back in the 70’s when I was a student at IITM, we used to make semiconductors manually…
Srinivas: Aiyyo! What has that got to do with this!
BV: I used to have a classmate called Kanghij. It turns out he was named thus to ensure that it resembled no ones name in his fathers and mothers family hahahahahaa!!!
Everyone: *silence*
BV: Aren’t you going to ask me why?
Everyone: NO!
BV (to new guy): What is your sister called?
Apuarv: Archana
BV: Thank god!
Apuarv: Heh! :(
BV (to all): So, I will come with the meaning tomorrow. I am sure it will be interesting to know what it means!
Everyone: *groan*
Apuarv doesn't sit with us anymore.
But lets look at the bright side here. BV drew a blank with the priest at his temple (who is a Sanskrit vidwan), about the meaning of the name “Arapa”. He swore today that he will find the meaning of the name “Apura” by next weekend or he will tonsure his head at Tirupati. We are crossing our fingers now. Hopefully we will be eating Tirupati Laddoos by next Monday! Yumm!
Colleague: Hi! I am Srinivas.
New guy: Hello! I am Apuarv. (not his real name)
MK: Welcome to Dot Bust Corporation Apoorva!
Apuarv: Thank you and its ‘Apuarv’!
Srinivas: Appu Arv aa?
Apuarv: No it is A.p.u.a.r.v.!
Srinivas (clueless): Oh!
Apuarv: You can call me Apoorva if you want!
BV: What naaansense!! We will call you by your name wonly Apaarv!
Apuarv: Sure!
BV: So Apara, tell us about the origin of your name!
Apuarv: It is a mixture of two names actually.
BV: I think it means “Singular”
Apuarv: Singular would be the meaning of “Apurva” actually!
BV: It sounds funny too heh heh. My father-in-law the late Parameswara Ramaswamy Krishna Iyer used to say, that a name that has no meaning is like thair saadam (curd rice) without curds.
LS: Since when did you start quoting your FIL! I thought you hated him!
BV: Since he died. Now I was saying Arappa, we must find out the meaning of your name. I will do it tonight!
Apuarv: Sure Sir! Thank you!
BV: Back in the 70’s when I was a student at IITM, we used to make semiconductors manually…
Srinivas: Aiyyo! What has that got to do with this!
BV: I used to have a classmate called Kanghij. It turns out he was named thus to ensure that it resembled no ones name in his fathers and mothers family hahahahahaa!!!
Everyone: *silence*
BV: Aren’t you going to ask me why?
Everyone: NO!
BV (to new guy): What is your sister called?
Apuarv: Archana
BV: Thank god!
Apuarv: Heh! :(
BV (to all): So, I will come with the meaning tomorrow. I am sure it will be interesting to know what it means!
Everyone: *groan*
Apuarv doesn't sit with us anymore.
But lets look at the bright side here. BV drew a blank with the priest at his temple (who is a Sanskrit vidwan), about the meaning of the name “Arapa”. He swore today that he will find the meaning of the name “Apura” by next weekend or he will tonsure his head at Tirupati. We are crossing our fingers now. Hopefully we will be eating Tirupati Laddoos by next Monday! Yumm!
Monday, July 20, 2009
Customer delightware!
News has just come in that Microsoft has developed a new software that enables organizations to manage very large volumes of customer communication and feed backs. This will be of great help to organizations that receive lots of customer communication. The application receives, stores and queues incoming data in chronological sequence and then sends it at timed intervals to the customer support personnel for speedy reconciliation. This ensures that there is no loss of data and all customer communication is attended to.
Well isn't that peachy?
According to a MS spokesperson the new software has been a sell out with MS itself being the largest buyer followed closely by its dealers and call centers.
The new software is called "Customer Complaints 1.0" :-|
Heh heh...and before anyone here asks "hey what happened to you and your love for MS?" Let me reiterate I still like MS! :p
Have a nice week folks!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Talk to the wall!
Who says that India and Pakistan are not having a dialog? They are talking alright and it seems to be a long and fruitful dialog.
India: You have to act on terror now!
Pakistan: Give proof.
India: The proof is all there.
Pak: Give us more proof!
India: This is so tiring!
Pak: Give us proof!
India: Shut up already!
Pak: Give us proof!
India: *gasp* You have let off the prime suspect!
Pak: We don’t have sufficient proof!
India: But we gave you enough proof!
Pak: Give us more proof!
India: Do you want a blow by blow video!
Pak: Not enough proof!
India: We are highly disappointed by the Pakistani government’s inaction on this matter.
Pak: Our hands are tied! We do not have sufficient proof!
India: Look everybody. This country is doing nothing to stop terror!
World: Stop behaving like a petulant child and sort out this problem through peaceful dialog like two adults!!
Pak: Ready when you are India! :>
There is this Hindi saying “Laton ke bhoot baton se nahin mante!”
But never mind!
India: You have to act on terror now!
Pakistan: Give proof.
India: The proof is all there.
Pak: Give us more proof!
India: This is so tiring!
Pak: Give us proof!
India: Shut up already!
Pak: Give us proof!
India: *gasp* You have let off the prime suspect!
Pak: We don’t have sufficient proof!
India: But we gave you enough proof!
Pak: Give us more proof!
India: Do you want a blow by blow video!
Pak: Not enough proof!
India: We are highly disappointed by the Pakistani government’s inaction on this matter.
Pak: Our hands are tied! We do not have sufficient proof!
India: Look everybody. This country is doing nothing to stop terror!
World: Stop behaving like a petulant child and sort out this problem through peaceful dialog like two adults!!
Pak: Ready when you are India! :>
There is this Hindi saying “Laton ke bhoot baton se nahin mante!”
But never mind!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Return to sanity
I am on my way back from Colombo to Bangalore. The aeroplane resembles a flying zoo. The guy next to me, a middle aged Buddhist pilgrim from Sri Lanka is eating paneer kofta curry mixed with gajar halwa. Oh well! I guess if we can make dahi vadas then why cannot he make a gajar halwa paneer kofta? To each his own I say! Next to him is his old mother wearing that lovely Sri Lankan saree. She has spooned the gajar halwa into her pulao and seems to be enjoying it very much. I call the stewardess and give her back my tray and ask for an air sickness bag. Must be the turbulence. After the meal the stewardess comes around with tea and coffee. I close my eyes as a precaution. When I open my eyes I see lots of open salt and pepper packets with the packets of sugar and creamer. Now I am feeling definitely squeamish.
I decide to read the Budget Analysis in the newspaper. Wrong move. Before I could say 'Holy Pranab', I was heaving into the Air Sickness bag. The proposed prices of some commodities were nauseating!!
Middle aged man was now looking at the aircraft safety instruction sheet. I was sure he could not do any thing squeamish with that. But I was wrong. He was showing it to his mom and both were trying to read the Hindi instructions. That’s when I realized that I was in the Twilight Zone. I remember my favorite episode of that ambiguous program called "To Serve Man". And I shudder.
Mama was now opening a packet of freshener with which she cleaned her spectacles assiduously. Her once clean spectacles now had a thin film of Cologne stain. Then she put on her spectacles and tried to read the In-flight Magazine. She gave up after some time. Her glasses were distinctly cloudy now. I was tempted to snatch the spectacles from her and clean it with a dry tissue. With great difficulty I refrained myself as she got up and stumbled onto seats, stewardesses and toes on her way to the toilet. I tried not to think of the carnage in the loo.
Middle aged man got up and went to fetch her. That’s when I saw that they were part of a big group going to Gaya. Everyone was asleep after the big meal of Paneer Kofta Gajar Halwa washed down with tea or coffee with pepper, salt, sugar and creamer. They were all volcanoes waiting to erupt. God save me when we make the landing approach…cos they had stuffed the cutlery and bottle of water into the air sickness bags!!!
I got up and quickly changed my seat. I was told that they had a trouble free landing. Next time I know what to tell people suffering from air sickness. Yes, you are right. It is Paneer Kofta Gajar Halwa washed down with tea or coffee mixed with pepper, salt, sugar and creamer with airline cutlery and bottle of water stuffed into air sickness bags!!
And before anyone here gets ideas, I am patenting this!
p.s. No offense meant to anyone please. Please refrain from giving me gaalis in Sinhalese.
Have a crackling and fun week folks!
I decide to read the Budget Analysis in the newspaper. Wrong move. Before I could say 'Holy Pranab', I was heaving into the Air Sickness bag. The proposed prices of some commodities were nauseating!!
Middle aged man was now looking at the aircraft safety instruction sheet. I was sure he could not do any thing squeamish with that. But I was wrong. He was showing it to his mom and both were trying to read the Hindi instructions. That’s when I realized that I was in the Twilight Zone. I remember my favorite episode of that ambiguous program called "To Serve Man". And I shudder.
Mama was now opening a packet of freshener with which she cleaned her spectacles assiduously. Her once clean spectacles now had a thin film of Cologne stain. Then she put on her spectacles and tried to read the In-flight Magazine. She gave up after some time. Her glasses were distinctly cloudy now. I was tempted to snatch the spectacles from her and clean it with a dry tissue. With great difficulty I refrained myself as she got up and stumbled onto seats, stewardesses and toes on her way to the toilet. I tried not to think of the carnage in the loo.
Middle aged man got up and went to fetch her. That’s when I saw that they were part of a big group going to Gaya. Everyone was asleep after the big meal of Paneer Kofta Gajar Halwa washed down with tea or coffee with pepper, salt, sugar and creamer. They were all volcanoes waiting to erupt. God save me when we make the landing approach…cos they had stuffed the cutlery and bottle of water into the air sickness bags!!!
I got up and quickly changed my seat. I was told that they had a trouble free landing. Next time I know what to tell people suffering from air sickness. Yes, you are right. It is Paneer Kofta Gajar Halwa washed down with tea or coffee mixed with pepper, salt, sugar and creamer with airline cutlery and bottle of water stuffed into air sickness bags!!
And before anyone here gets ideas, I am patenting this!
p.s. No offense meant to anyone please. Please refrain from giving me gaalis in Sinhalese.
Have a crackling and fun week folks!
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
A tuesday revelation
So everybody here is into the new week yeah! I am sure you all got out of bed in a jiffy and got ready with a smile on your lips and a song in your heart. Tuesday sure is a lovely day isn’t it? Tuesday means - only three more days to Friday!Nice!
I am looking forward to this week too. (The keyword is “this week” folks. I am no shallow work loving person.) There is a lot that is happening in office and I am not talking about work. We have several new people who have joined us and each one is a one man/woman entertainment show.
Last week a new HR executive joined us. In order to keep her busy and out of her hair, the HR Manager delegated her with the task of preparing a report on the comings and goings (a.k.a attendance record) of the people working here. After a week of intense study of the company Access Card data, she submitted her findings to the HR manager. It made a very umm interesting read and we came to know of some hitherto unknown fact about our colleagues.
According to the report…
1. My boss reported for work on the first day of work and after signing out in the evening has never come to the office again. HR Exec has recommended a missing persons report to be filed at the nearest police station.
2. Yours truly does not exist. She is yet to come to work. Perhaps her offer letter is pending.
3. Foxy has been living in this building for the past five years and the HR executive is very worried about him. No, she is not worried about his lack of time off. She is concerned that he may be working in the same clothes for the past five years.
4. The Marketing Managers in this organization come to work only for 30 minutes after which they sign out and go home.
5. The IT Architect comes to work some times but prefers to work in the Camera Control Room. (Note to self: He is till trying to find out who switches off his Servers! Damn!)
6. The only sign of life in this building are Visitors and Pizza Delivery boys, Juice Delivery boys and Cigarette delivery boys.
7. The only people who come to work in this building are Housekeeping Staff, Maintenance Staff, Security Staff and the catering people.
8. The company urgently needs to hire a CEO, COO, CTO and other top Management people. There is no evidence of the people hired for the job.
9. Ms. Blah Blah is the only person who comes to work in the morning and leaves in the evening. Considering the general trend in the office, HR Exec feels that Ms Blah Blah should be sent for a medical test to evaluate her abnormal behavior.
10. All male staff seem to enter and exit the Smoking Section of the Terrace frequently. But there is no record of them entering the building. This paranormal phenomenon occurs every one hour for some people, every two hours for some and every half an hour for the majority. HR Exec did try to solve the mystery but could not see much in the dense smoke.
I know what you all are thinking and I agree with you. That HR Executive should be fired!
And now for some good news! After the release of the report I was once again awarded The Tailgater of the Year Award. Thank you for the applause. I humbly acknowledge your admiration, appreciation, wonder, awe and absolute devotion!
Have a nice week folks!
I am looking forward to this week too. (The keyword is “this week” folks. I am no shallow work loving person.) There is a lot that is happening in office and I am not talking about work. We have several new people who have joined us and each one is a one man/woman entertainment show.
Last week a new HR executive joined us. In order to keep her busy and out of her hair, the HR Manager delegated her with the task of preparing a report on the comings and goings (a.k.a attendance record) of the people working here. After a week of intense study of the company Access Card data, she submitted her findings to the HR manager. It made a very umm interesting read and we came to know of some hitherto unknown fact about our colleagues.
According to the report…
1. My boss reported for work on the first day of work and after signing out in the evening has never come to the office again. HR Exec has recommended a missing persons report to be filed at the nearest police station.
2. Yours truly does not exist. She is yet to come to work. Perhaps her offer letter is pending.
3. Foxy has been living in this building for the past five years and the HR executive is very worried about him. No, she is not worried about his lack of time off. She is concerned that he may be working in the same clothes for the past five years.
4. The Marketing Managers in this organization come to work only for 30 minutes after which they sign out and go home.
5. The IT Architect comes to work some times but prefers to work in the Camera Control Room. (Note to self: He is till trying to find out who switches off his Servers! Damn!)
6. The only sign of life in this building are Visitors and Pizza Delivery boys, Juice Delivery boys and Cigarette delivery boys.
7. The only people who come to work in this building are Housekeeping Staff, Maintenance Staff, Security Staff and the catering people.
8. The company urgently needs to hire a CEO, COO, CTO and other top Management people. There is no evidence of the people hired for the job.
9. Ms. Blah Blah is the only person who comes to work in the morning and leaves in the evening. Considering the general trend in the office, HR Exec feels that Ms Blah Blah should be sent for a medical test to evaluate her abnormal behavior.
10. All male staff seem to enter and exit the Smoking Section of the Terrace frequently. But there is no record of them entering the building. This paranormal phenomenon occurs every one hour for some people, every two hours for some and every half an hour for the majority. HR Exec did try to solve the mystery but could not see much in the dense smoke.
I know what you all are thinking and I agree with you. That HR Executive should be fired!
And now for some good news! After the release of the report I was once again awarded The Tailgater of the Year Award. Thank you for the applause. I humbly acknowledge your admiration, appreciation, wonder, awe and absolute devotion!
Have a nice week folks!
Monday, June 29, 2009
How to make a Chinese Film in four easy steps.
(Note: This is a free tutorial. But I live hand to mouth so do leave a donation. Really large donations would be welcome and preferred. You are under no obligation to donate but if you don’t, you will rot in hell and it is really hot in there I tell you.)
Ingredients for the movie.
1. 1 Good looking Chinese guy knowing the martial arts
2. 1 Good looking Chinese girl knowing the martial arts.
3. 1 Sinister looking Chinese villain knowing the martial arts and dreadful PJ's delivered with a straight face
4. Several dumb followers of the villain also knowing the martial arts.
5. 1 Fragile old martial warrior capable of mouthing corny philosophy with a straight face.
6. 1 thingy, lets call it The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja or some other crap that is the prize every one with fight over and which more or less makes up the plot of the movie.
7. Awful lot of what we have come to believe is Chinese Music
Scene one: China 14th BC.
The good looking Chinese guy who is obviously the Hero is sleeping in his bedroom and into the room appears from amongst billowing blue and yellow smoke an apparition. The apparition who is an old frail Chinese man (Ingredient No. 5) informs the Hero that he has been pre ordained by the Venerable One who lives in the land of the Fire Breathing Dragons to be the next inheritor of The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja. Hero nearly craps in his bed when he sees the apparition
Apparition: *cough* *cough*
Hero: You have an awful cough!
Apparition: Its this stupid smoke!
Hero: Why are you appearing out of smoke then?
Apparition: It is a special effect bozo. The audience likes it!
Hero (bowing deeply): Forgive me O Learned One.
The apparition disappears and appears again because he has forgotten to give the Hero the directions to the Valley of a Thousand Sighs where The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja is kept atop a mountain in The Imperial Pagoda. The apparition then disappears again…temporarily.
Scene Two
Hero sets off to the Valley of a Thousand Sighs on foot followed at a distance by the Villain's men who have listened into the conversation between the Hero and the Apparition. The day turns dark and the Hero takes rest under a tree in the night. Just when he is falling asleep he is attacked by the Villain’s men. What follows is a fine display of Middle School Geometry as you see limbs flying in Acute, Obtuse and Straight Angles all over the place accompanied by awful grunts and feminine screeches. Amidst this fine display of Geometric Angles of Limbs (a.k.a Martial Arts) comes the Villain. He was waiting patiently somewhere for his men to get beaten to pulp and now he takes on the Hero. The Hero and the Villain eye each other warily through indistinguishable eyes, hands extended as though squeezing the neck of a really large necked man. They move in circles, first clockwise, then counter clockwise and then clockwise. Into this scenario arrives the good looking Chinese girl wearing a veil. Villain makes sexist jokes leering at her lustily. She plunges at the Villain in an amazing display of Geometric Angles of Limbs beneath Diaphanous Gown and the two manage to chase the Villain away. After the departure of the Villain the girl bows deeply and explains that she is the daughter of the Enlightened One who sits on the Mountains of Silver Mist and that she has been assigned to assist him. The Hero bows back and when he straightens up she has disappeared into the forest. The Hero vows never to bow too deeply again!
Scene three
Our Hero reaches the mountain and sees a languid pool of water called The Lake of a Thousand Tears. Here he is again confronted by the Villain’s men who have made an instantaneous recovery from their earlier thrashings. Another fine display of Geometric Angles of the Limbs this time on the mountainside and then the Hero departs on his way. After negotiating 5678 hair pins bends the Hero is ambushed by the Villain who delivers him a mortal blow with his sword. Hero is left to die and he is peacefully snoring on the road when the apparition reappears scaring the crap out of him again. The apparition reminds the Hero of his task.
Apparition: You have many tasks to accomplish before you sleep like a log that has been washed over by The Raging Dragon Sea!
Hero: Huh?
Apparition: Do you not know that by the time the sun sets over The Realm of Darkness the Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja should be removed from The Imperial Pagoda!!
Hero: Err could you please repeat that!
Apparition: Sigh!
Scene Four
Hero reaches The Imperial Pagoda only to be confronted by the Villain and you are treated to another hour spectacularly boring Geometric Angles of the Limbs which is an exact replica of previous Geometric Angles of the Limbs. This time however the Hero wins the Battle of the Geometric Angle of Limbs and manages to remove The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja from The Imperial Pagoda a fraction of a second before the sun sets over the Realm of Darkness. Phew! Chinese music flows over the credits that sound surprisingly like the rendition of what some orchestra in Los Angeles thinks is Chinese music.
This post is dedicated to my brother M who has single handedly kept the Hong Kong movie industry alive and kicking (pun unintended) by buying every$#%@& movie that they come out with!
That’s it folks. Have a nice week and do not forget to donate.
Ingredients for the movie.
1. 1 Good looking Chinese guy knowing the martial arts
2. 1 Good looking Chinese girl knowing the martial arts.
3. 1 Sinister looking Chinese villain knowing the martial arts and dreadful PJ's delivered with a straight face
4. Several dumb followers of the villain also knowing the martial arts.
5. 1 Fragile old martial warrior capable of mouthing corny philosophy with a straight face.
6. 1 thingy, lets call it The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja or some other crap that is the prize every one with fight over and which more or less makes up the plot of the movie.
7. Awful lot of what we have come to believe is Chinese Music
Scene one: China 14th BC.
The good looking Chinese guy who is obviously the Hero is sleeping in his bedroom and into the room appears from amongst billowing blue and yellow smoke an apparition. The apparition who is an old frail Chinese man (Ingredient No. 5) informs the Hero that he has been pre ordained by the Venerable One who lives in the land of the Fire Breathing Dragons to be the next inheritor of The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja. Hero nearly craps in his bed when he sees the apparition
Apparition: *cough* *cough*
Hero: You have an awful cough!
Apparition: Its this stupid smoke!
Hero: Why are you appearing out of smoke then?
Apparition: It is a special effect bozo. The audience likes it!
Hero (bowing deeply): Forgive me O Learned One.
The apparition disappears and appears again because he has forgotten to give the Hero the directions to the Valley of a Thousand Sighs where The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja is kept atop a mountain in The Imperial Pagoda. The apparition then disappears again…temporarily.
Scene Two
Hero sets off to the Valley of a Thousand Sighs on foot followed at a distance by the Villain's men who have listened into the conversation between the Hero and the Apparition. The day turns dark and the Hero takes rest under a tree in the night. Just when he is falling asleep he is attacked by the Villain’s men. What follows is a fine display of Middle School Geometry as you see limbs flying in Acute, Obtuse and Straight Angles all over the place accompanied by awful grunts and feminine screeches. Amidst this fine display of Geometric Angles of Limbs (a.k.a Martial Arts) comes the Villain. He was waiting patiently somewhere for his men to get beaten to pulp and now he takes on the Hero. The Hero and the Villain eye each other warily through indistinguishable eyes, hands extended as though squeezing the neck of a really large necked man. They move in circles, first clockwise, then counter clockwise and then clockwise. Into this scenario arrives the good looking Chinese girl wearing a veil. Villain makes sexist jokes leering at her lustily. She plunges at the Villain in an amazing display of Geometric Angles of Limbs beneath Diaphanous Gown and the two manage to chase the Villain away. After the departure of the Villain the girl bows deeply and explains that she is the daughter of the Enlightened One who sits on the Mountains of Silver Mist and that she has been assigned to assist him. The Hero bows back and when he straightens up she has disappeared into the forest. The Hero vows never to bow too deeply again!
Scene three
Our Hero reaches the mountain and sees a languid pool of water called The Lake of a Thousand Tears. Here he is again confronted by the Villain’s men who have made an instantaneous recovery from their earlier thrashings. Another fine display of Geometric Angles of the Limbs this time on the mountainside and then the Hero departs on his way. After negotiating 5678 hair pins bends the Hero is ambushed by the Villain who delivers him a mortal blow with his sword. Hero is left to die and he is peacefully snoring on the road when the apparition reappears scaring the crap out of him again. The apparition reminds the Hero of his task.
Apparition: You have many tasks to accomplish before you sleep like a log that has been washed over by The Raging Dragon Sea!
Hero: Huh?
Apparition: Do you not know that by the time the sun sets over The Realm of Darkness the Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja should be removed from The Imperial Pagoda!!
Hero: Err could you please repeat that!
Apparition: Sigh!
Scene Four
Hero reaches The Imperial Pagoda only to be confronted by the Villain and you are treated to another hour spectacularly boring Geometric Angles of the Limbs which is an exact replica of previous Geometric Angles of the Limbs. This time however the Hero wins the Battle of the Geometric Angle of Limbs and manages to remove The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja from The Imperial Pagoda a fraction of a second before the sun sets over the Realm of Darkness. Phew! Chinese music flows over the credits that sound surprisingly like the rendition of what some orchestra in Los Angeles thinks is Chinese music.
THE END!
This post is dedicated to my brother M who has single handedly kept the Hong Kong movie industry alive and kicking (pun unintended) by buying every$#%@& movie that they come out with!
That’s it folks. Have a nice week and do not forget to donate.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Snakes in the grass
Long time ago...like three days ago, four girls were sitting on the green grass of the lawns sipping their favorite poisons. It was not a Friday night or a Saturday night either. But they were childhood buddies who did not need a weekend to share a tipple.
It is pre monsoon season here in Bangalore and mozzy’s (mosquitoes) were feasting on the alcohol laden blood of the four girls. After the first sip most of them passed out into deep inebriated slumbers. The one’s that did not, dare not approach us for a second round. (Alcohol tolerance amongst mozzys is alarmingly low). Suddenly, one of the girls leans over and hits a newly arrived and hence un-drunk mozzy feasting delicately off an artery on her feet. ( Mozzy’s are gourmands. They don’t sup on lowly “veins”). Then she leans over to inspect the kill and lets out a shrill shriek.
“Snake!!” she screams. Four inebriated girls take off vertically into the air with the alacrity of sober people and land with resounding thuds a few feet away. Jumping up and down on one leg and gesticulating wildly at her ankles the afflicted girl struggles to give words to her horror.
‘Snake...bite...feet...big…no…small…leg...blood…mommy” she babbles. The ensuing pandemonium was err umm interesting.
Snake? Are you sure it was a snake?
Yes!!
Sure?
Yes!!!
Doubly sure??
Shut the eff up and do something!
What if it was a cockroach?
*thwack!!!!!*
Hearing the ruckus Dad and Mom are out in a jiffy before we could hide all the bottles and leave a respectable few to show how less we had drank or were drunk. Dad as usual decides to take charge of the situation.
How big was the snake?
Small.
How small.
This much (showing her pinky)
It must have been a baby snake then!
Will I die?
Mmm no!
*whew*
Or maybe...yes!
!!!!
The victim of the alleged snake (no snake is guilty until its victim dies) bite, lets call her AV is rushed to the nearest hospital after Mom and Dad have bandaged her foot above the wound. This operation was carried out in an amazing display of team work and coordination.
All this wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t allow the girls to sit out so late!!
You are right! Even the snakes disapprove I see.
Hmmph!
Come to think of it they were sitting out on the day Mumbai was attacked too.
*frosty silence*
And when the US dropped a bomb on Hiroshima!
*SLAM!!*
On the way to the hospital the girls keep the AV’s spirits up by amusing her with interesting conversations.
If it was a Black Mamba you would be dead by now. It takes just 15 minutes for its venom to act.
A Cobra is faster! It takes only a few minutes!!
It could not have been a Black Mamba. They are not found in India. So it has to be a Cobra.
No re. A Cobra would have killed her by now. I am sure it was a Viper.
Why?
I dunno. We have already ruled out the other snakes that inhabit our area no!
*sob*
We arrive in good time at the hospital. The doctor, a family friend of a family friend’s cousin was waiting for us.
Doc: You still alive! That’s a good sign heh heh
AV: Does this mean the snake was not poisonous?
Doc: It means I still have time to administer the antidote heh heh
AV: *sniff*
Doc: How did the snake look like?
AV: Light brown!
Doc: Any markings?
AV: No, but its tail resembled a Rattle Snake’s!
Doc: Well Rattle Snakes are not found in India so it has to be Rat Snake.
AV: Is it poisonous?
Doc: No!
AV: *Whew*
Doc: But it was not a Rat Snake then it might be.
AV: *gulp*
The doctor turns her ankle and inspects the wound. Then he turns her ankle around again and then stands up and scratches her head. It was the Dad’s turn to be worried.
Anything wrong?
I cannot see any bite mark!
What’s that red mark?
That’s probably a bug bite or a skin inflammation.
Are you sure?
Yes!
It was a baby snake I am told.
Baby snakes can be poisonous too.
Oh!
Well…I will give the antidote just in case. But if you can find out what snake it was it would very helpful.
It is 2 am and four beleaguered girls and a parent stumble home all beat. The three friends decide that they would go out and take a look to see if they can find the baby snake. It had to be dead or in a deep state of inebriation. Either way it wouldn’t have gotten away very far. Perhaps they could save their friends life by taking it to the doctor for identification they thought!! So armed with good intentions and really bad torches the three brave girls went out in quest of the body and came back just as quickly. The corpse of the “snake” was there alright. But by some miraculous physical transformation it had become an Earthworm!!!
You could hear a pin drop in the silence that ensued. We looked at the silent house, at the corpse and at each other and solemnly agreed that what the people in the house did not know, wouldn’t hurt us too much.
Note to self: Next time, look before you leap!
It is pre monsoon season here in Bangalore and mozzy’s (mosquitoes) were feasting on the alcohol laden blood of the four girls. After the first sip most of them passed out into deep inebriated slumbers. The one’s that did not, dare not approach us for a second round. (Alcohol tolerance amongst mozzys is alarmingly low). Suddenly, one of the girls leans over and hits a newly arrived and hence un-drunk mozzy feasting delicately off an artery on her feet. ( Mozzy’s are gourmands. They don’t sup on lowly “veins”). Then she leans over to inspect the kill and lets out a shrill shriek.
“Snake!!” she screams. Four inebriated girls take off vertically into the air with the alacrity of sober people and land with resounding thuds a few feet away. Jumping up and down on one leg and gesticulating wildly at her ankles the afflicted girl struggles to give words to her horror.
‘Snake...bite...feet...big…no…small…leg...blood…mommy” she babbles. The ensuing pandemonium was err umm interesting.
Snake? Are you sure it was a snake?
Yes!!
Sure?
Yes!!!
Doubly sure??
Shut the eff up and do something!
What if it was a cockroach?
*thwack!!!!!*
Hearing the ruckus Dad and Mom are out in a jiffy before we could hide all the bottles and leave a respectable few to show how less we had drank or were drunk. Dad as usual decides to take charge of the situation.
How big was the snake?
Small.
How small.
This much (showing her pinky)
It must have been a baby snake then!
Will I die?
Mmm no!
*whew*
Or maybe...yes!
!!!!
The victim of the alleged snake (no snake is guilty until its victim dies) bite, lets call her AV is rushed to the nearest hospital after Mom and Dad have bandaged her foot above the wound. This operation was carried out in an amazing display of team work and coordination.
All this wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t allow the girls to sit out so late!!
You are right! Even the snakes disapprove I see.
Hmmph!
Come to think of it they were sitting out on the day Mumbai was attacked too.
*frosty silence*
And when the US dropped a bomb on Hiroshima!
*SLAM!!*
On the way to the hospital the girls keep the AV’s spirits up by amusing her with interesting conversations.
If it was a Black Mamba you would be dead by now. It takes just 15 minutes for its venom to act.
A Cobra is faster! It takes only a few minutes!!
It could not have been a Black Mamba. They are not found in India. So it has to be a Cobra.
No re. A Cobra would have killed her by now. I am sure it was a Viper.
Why?
I dunno. We have already ruled out the other snakes that inhabit our area no!
*sob*
We arrive in good time at the hospital. The doctor, a family friend of a family friend’s cousin was waiting for us.
Doc: You still alive! That’s a good sign heh heh
AV: Does this mean the snake was not poisonous?
Doc: It means I still have time to administer the antidote heh heh
AV: *sniff*
Doc: How did the snake look like?
AV: Light brown!
Doc: Any markings?
AV: No, but its tail resembled a Rattle Snake’s!
Doc: Well Rattle Snakes are not found in India so it has to be Rat Snake.
AV: Is it poisonous?
Doc: No!
AV: *Whew*
Doc: But it was not a Rat Snake then it might be.
AV: *gulp*
The doctor turns her ankle and inspects the wound. Then he turns her ankle around again and then stands up and scratches her head. It was the Dad’s turn to be worried.
Anything wrong?
I cannot see any bite mark!
What’s that red mark?
That’s probably a bug bite or a skin inflammation.
Are you sure?
Yes!
It was a baby snake I am told.
Baby snakes can be poisonous too.
Oh!
Well…I will give the antidote just in case. But if you can find out what snake it was it would very helpful.
It is 2 am and four beleaguered girls and a parent stumble home all beat. The three friends decide that they would go out and take a look to see if they can find the baby snake. It had to be dead or in a deep state of inebriation. Either way it wouldn’t have gotten away very far. Perhaps they could save their friends life by taking it to the doctor for identification they thought!! So armed with good intentions and really bad torches the three brave girls went out in quest of the body and came back just as quickly. The corpse of the “snake” was there alright. But by some miraculous physical transformation it had become an Earthworm!!!
You could hear a pin drop in the silence that ensued. We looked at the silent house, at the corpse and at each other and solemnly agreed that what the people in the house did not know, wouldn’t hurt us too much.
Note to self: Next time, look before you leap!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Obvious abuse
The racist attacks on Indian students in Australia and the subsequent diplomatic and political fallout is being exploited to the hilt by the electronic media here. After the elections this was a God send scrap for them or we would have reporters screeching to us from the Brazilian coast, telling us how high the waves are and how cold the wind is and how difficult is the rescue operations for the Brazilian rescue teams combing the high seas for victims of the Air France crash.
Reporter to rescue worker: The winds are strong huh?
RW: Yes ma’am
Reporter: Tho appako kaisa mahsoos ho raha hai?
RW: Huh?
Reporter: I mean, what do you feel about the strong gales and choppy sea?
RW: Errm...
Back at the studios a retired Aviation Expert will be pulled out from his bed pyjama and all, to give his expert opinion on air.
Journo: Take a look at the report on the monitor. It says that this aircraft had two engines for long haul.
AE : Any kid will tell you that.
Journo (earnestly): And according to Google err our research, the aircraft had two wings too just in case one malfunctions!
AE: Sigh!
Journo: And the aircraft had two sets of landing gear!
AE: Heh!
Journo: See the chart we have prepared…
AE: That looks exactly like the chart at Aircraft dot com!!
Journo: According to the chart this aircraft can carry 253 passengers in a three-class configuration for 12,500 km!!
AE (rolling his eyes) : You are kidding me!
Journo (excitedly): And so...!!! It is a mystery why such a state-of-the-art aircraft running on a bleeding edge technology and cutting edge navigation tools crashed!
AE: I give up!
Have a great weekend friends! And let’s pray for the departed souls and their relations and especially for our electronic media to spare us from the obvious abuse!
Reporter to rescue worker: The winds are strong huh?
RW: Yes ma’am
Reporter: Tho appako kaisa mahsoos ho raha hai?
RW: Huh?
Reporter: I mean, what do you feel about the strong gales and choppy sea?
RW: Errm...
Back at the studios a retired Aviation Expert will be pulled out from his bed pyjama and all, to give his expert opinion on air.
Journo: Take a look at the report on the monitor. It says that this aircraft had two engines for long haul.
AE : Any kid will tell you that.
Journo (earnestly): And according to Google err our research, the aircraft had two wings too just in case one malfunctions!
AE: Sigh!
Journo: And the aircraft had two sets of landing gear!
AE: Heh!
Journo: See the chart we have prepared…
AE: That looks exactly like the chart at Aircraft dot com!!
Journo: According to the chart this aircraft can carry 253 passengers in a three-class configuration for 12,500 km!!
AE (rolling his eyes) : You are kidding me!
Journo (excitedly): And so...!!! It is a mystery why such a state-of-the-art aircraft running on a bleeding edge technology and cutting edge navigation tools crashed!
AE: I give up!
Have a great weekend friends! And let’s pray for the departed souls and their relations and especially for our electronic media to spare us from the obvious abuse!
Monday, June 08, 2009
Guinea Pig Chronicles
Guinea pig No 1*: What is this blue goo?
Me: It is grape soufflé!
GP No 1: Yum!
*I love my second elder bro sometimes. He eats anything I put in front of him.
Guinea Pig No 2: Before I eat this, would you please tell my Doctor to be on standby!
GP No 1: If you are not eating that, may I have it?
Me: It is not that fatty Dad!! If you are so bothered don’t eat the cheese topping.
GP No 1: Yes, slide it into my plate.
GP No 2: And what is inside the Lasagna?
Me: Beef mince Dad!
GP No 2: Hmmm that’s red meat no?
GP No 1: You are right Dad!! Let me scrape it off for you....into my plate.
GP No 2 (looking woebegone at his lasagna sheets): This looks so unappetizing.
GP No 1: If you are not having it, I will have it.
GP No 2: Well the doctor has said that I can have red meat occasionally...
GP No 1: You had beef just the other day!
GP No 2: That was a month back son!
GP No1: That was just four weeks back Dad!
GP No 2: Maybe I should pass...
GP No1 (helping himself): Thanks!
Guinea Pig No 3: What is this?
Me: Paneer Kofta Curry ma.
GP No 3: What is a kofta?
Me: It is a fried paneer ball.
GP No 3: Looks very oily!
Me: It is a bit rich.
GP No 3: And very salty!
Me: Tastes perfect to me.
GP No 3: Don’t serve your Dad, he needs to watch his diet.
Me: I don’t think a little will do any harm.
GP No 3: It’s too rich!
Me: Then don’t eat it.
GP No 3: I am offering constructive criticism here. Why are you getting angry?
Me: What do you know about North Indian food anyway to offer criticism Amma?
GP No 3 (airily): You don’t need to know a certain cuisine to comment on it. Experienced cooks like us know when something is wrong.
Me: I will not lose my temper, I will not lose my temper, I will not lose my temper!
GP No 3: And I think a pinch of sugar would have rounded off the taste nicely.
Me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8….
GP No 3: And you have put too much coriander.
Me: 9,10,11,12,13,14…
GP No 3: And you should have shallow fried the koftas...
Me: 1001, 1002, 1003, 1004...
GP No 1: I do not care if it is salty or too oily…it is delicious!
GP No 3: That is because your stomach is a bottomless pit!!!
GP No 1: Are you having that kofta?
(And that’s why he is Guinea Pig No 1. Kapiche?)
Guinea Pig No 4: Who made this Biryani?
GP No 3: Your sister who else!!
GP No 4: It is heavenly!!!
GP No 3: You haven’t tasted it yet!
GP No 4: Doesn’t matter Amma. I know it will be good.
GP No 3: No one appreciates my cooking here!!
GP No 2: Your brothers think you are Julia Child.
GP No 3: They are used to good cooking that’s why!
GP No 2: Of course!! When you get tasteless beef fry and over spiced fish fry and bland fish curry day in and day out you will appreciate anything!
GP No 3: I am going to sleep hmmpphh!!
GP No 1: If you are not having your payasam may I have it?
( Guinea Pig No 4 err I mean my eldest brother is da greatest! )
And to conclude let me sum up the lesson for you all. Guinea pigs are very important creatures in the field of Culinary Science and R&D. Some are willing, some unwilling, some opinionated, some rebellious, but at the end of the day they are all guinea pigs. You just got to make them feel they are not.
May God speed this week. May the wind of a thousand typhoons blow it to weekend quickly! Amen.
Friday, June 05, 2009
Weekender
Saw the weirdest thing today! It is raining cats and dogs and buckets here and my neighbor uncle is - you wont believe this- washing his car with a Hozelock Ultra 9 Hose Water Gun.
The car is parked outside in the rain! :-|
And it gets weirder...
Uncle is sheltered under an umbrella. And his son is holding the umbrella.
No, I haven't been drinking. Too early you see.
Nice gun though. (Note to self - steal err borrow it)
Have a great weekend friends!!
The car is parked outside in the rain! :-|
And it gets weirder...
Uncle is sheltered under an umbrella. And his son is holding the umbrella.
No, I haven't been drinking. Too early you see.
Nice gun though. (Note to self - steal err borrow it)
Have a great weekend friends!!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
The neighbour-brood
I have this Aunty from hell err Kottayam. She is my neighbor actually. Aundy lets call her Susannah, has eleventy hundred relations. Not uncommon for a mallu from my part of the kundry. However she is one of a kind.
Aundy (spotting my mom): Ketto! My niece Ruby is coming from Pattanamthitta!
Mom: Ruby?
Aundy: I told you no! She is Elsy’s elder daughter!
Mom: Elsy?
Aundy: Tch you forgot…remember I told you about Babymon's accident last year…he fell from the motor room roof…Elsy is his mom!
Mom: hmmm...
Me: Of course Amma remembers him Aundy! * fierce look at my ma* don’t you ma?
Mom (uncomfortably): Actually no.
Aundy: Aiyyo…let me refresh your memory. Do you remember Sunny who came here last month?
Mom: Was he the guy with soda glasses.
Aundy: No!!! That was Sijumon. Sunny had the burn mark on his cheek.
Mom: Oh yes! I remember.
Aundy: Sunny’s first cousin is Babymon.
Mom (miserably): Oh!
Me: *whew*
Aundy: You want anything from Pattanamthitta?
Mom: No thanks!
Evening:
Aundy: Ketto leelamme!!
Me: You open your mouth and I will gag you with a towel.
Mom: But she is calling me.
Aundy: Leelamme!! Leeeelamme!
Me: Don’t you dare open your mouth!
Mom: Don’t be rude. She is calling me.
Aundy: LEELAMME!!!
Mom: Endho! (Yes)
Aundy (peeping over the wall): Ruby has come! *grin*
Mom: Please bring her home sometime.
Me: I cannot believe you said that. Did you just say that!!!
Mom (ignoring me): Do bring her over for lunch tomorrow.
Aundy: Of course!! I have told her all about you all.
Me: @#%$#
Day two at the dining table:
Aundy (to Ruby): Leelamma is a very good cook like Shirly aunty.
Me: Don’t ask who is Shirley!
Mom: Who is Shirley?
Me: !!!!!
Aundy: She is Thomachanpappans daughter. Remember the guy who left priesthood?
Mom: No!
Me: :-O
Aundy: Remember I told you about my Uncle Antony who used to work in Malaysia?
Mom: I vaguely remember…
Aundy: Shirley is his wife’s sister!
Mom: Oh!
Aundy: Ruby’s parents are looking for a suitable boy for her.
Mom: Really! Well I hope they find someone soon!
Aundy: Her uncle George…remember I told you about him…
Me: Of course she remembers. More payasam... anyone?
Mom: No.
Me: Jesus Christ!!!
Aundy: Remember I went for my nieces daughters wedding last year?
Me: Of course!
Aundy: Podi! I am talking to your mother!
Mom: I frankly don’t remember.
Me: I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!!
Aundy: George is her Dad.
Mom: Oh ok!
Aundy: Which George are you thinking about?
Me (tremulously): Cake anyone?
Mom: err…ahem
Aundy: Not the George from Changanassery who works for Aramco, this George is my mom’s brother who lives in Mumbai. I told you about him!!
Mom: Mmm...
Aundy: Heh heh Leelamme, you are not paying attention these days.
Me: She is growing old. She can hardly remember anything these days.
Mom (annoyed): My memory is just fine hmmpphh!
Aundy: Ha ha see I told you!
Me (dryly): Then its selective recall I guess!
Aundy: You are getting too big for your boots!! I know what you just said has a double meaning!! My nephew Arun in Goa is just like you!!
Mom: Arun?
Me: *groan*
Did I say Aundy was one of a kind? I eat my words.
Aundy (spotting my mom): Ketto! My niece Ruby is coming from Pattanamthitta!
Mom: Ruby?
Aundy: I told you no! She is Elsy’s elder daughter!
Mom: Elsy?
Aundy: Tch you forgot…remember I told you about Babymon's accident last year…he fell from the motor room roof…Elsy is his mom!
Mom: hmmm...
Me: Of course Amma remembers him Aundy! * fierce look at my ma* don’t you ma?
Mom (uncomfortably): Actually no.
Aundy: Aiyyo…let me refresh your memory. Do you remember Sunny who came here last month?
Mom: Was he the guy with soda glasses.
Aundy: No!!! That was Sijumon. Sunny had the burn mark on his cheek.
Mom: Oh yes! I remember.
Aundy: Sunny’s first cousin is Babymon.
Mom (miserably): Oh!
Me: *whew*
Aundy: You want anything from Pattanamthitta?
Mom: No thanks!
Evening:
Aundy: Ketto leelamme!!
Me: You open your mouth and I will gag you with a towel.
Mom: But she is calling me.
Aundy: Leelamme!! Leeeelamme!
Me: Don’t you dare open your mouth!
Mom: Don’t be rude. She is calling me.
Aundy: LEELAMME!!!
Mom: Endho! (Yes)
Aundy (peeping over the wall): Ruby has come! *grin*
Mom: Please bring her home sometime.
Me: I cannot believe you said that. Did you just say that!!!
Mom (ignoring me): Do bring her over for lunch tomorrow.
Aundy: Of course!! I have told her all about you all.
Me: @#%$#
Day two at the dining table:
Aundy (to Ruby): Leelamma is a very good cook like Shirly aunty.
Me: Don’t ask who is Shirley!
Mom: Who is Shirley?
Me: !!!!!
Aundy: She is Thomachanpappans daughter. Remember the guy who left priesthood?
Mom: No!
Me: :-O
Aundy: Remember I told you about my Uncle Antony who used to work in Malaysia?
Mom: I vaguely remember…
Aundy: Shirley is his wife’s sister!
Mom: Oh!
Aundy: Ruby’s parents are looking for a suitable boy for her.
Mom: Really! Well I hope they find someone soon!
Aundy: Her uncle George…remember I told you about him…
Me: Of course she remembers. More payasam... anyone?
Mom: No.
Me: Jesus Christ!!!
Aundy: Remember I went for my nieces daughters wedding last year?
Me: Of course!
Aundy: Podi! I am talking to your mother!
Mom: I frankly don’t remember.
Me: I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!!
Aundy: George is her Dad.
Mom: Oh ok!
Aundy: Which George are you thinking about?
Me (tremulously): Cake anyone?
Mom: err…ahem
Aundy: Not the George from Changanassery who works for Aramco, this George is my mom’s brother who lives in Mumbai. I told you about him!!
Mom: Mmm...
Aundy: Heh heh Leelamme, you are not paying attention these days.
Me: She is growing old. She can hardly remember anything these days.
Mom (annoyed): My memory is just fine hmmpphh!
Aundy: Ha ha see I told you!
Me (dryly): Then its selective recall I guess!
Aundy: You are getting too big for your boots!! I know what you just said has a double meaning!! My nephew Arun in Goa is just like you!!
Mom: Arun?
Me: *groan*
Did I say Aundy was one of a kind? I eat my words.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Post Poll Analysis for Dummies
Now that the elections are over and we know who won and who lost, it is time to introspect and analyze why some parties lost while some picked up significant amount of seats and goodwill. Post Poll Analysis or Post Election Analysis is a complex topic to blog about and we need to break down the socio-economic and socio-political factors to gain a better understanding of the same. This tutorial will help you quickly and accurately analyze why some parties lost the elections so that you can prepare a comprehensive analysis to be published in your blog/website which nobody is going to read anyway.
Step one: Pick a defeated political party. Now that you know they have lost, it becomes easy to analyze why they lost.
Step two: Study their election promises and election campaign carefully. You are now ready to offer a definitive post poll analysis on why they lost the elections.
Step three: Carefully take each and every gesture of the party before elections and blame it squarely for their election debacle.
For instance –
1. The XYZ Party’s promise to increase/decrease fertilizer subsidy did not go down well with farmers as it actually works against the interest of the farmers. (Expand a bit with some research over Google)
2. The XYZ Party’s personal attacks on the winning party’s ministerial candidates did not go down well with the voters (like they care).
3. The ABC Party has lost touch with the people and that was another reason for their debacle. (This works all the time.)
4. The party lost the powerful vote bank of youth/women/gays due to their anti youth/women/gay policies. (Get creative, don’t stop at youth/women/gay. You may use other factors like Coca Cola, Oreo Biscuits and Proprietary Software.)
5. The leader of the party was not acceptable to the people and he also did not have the support of party cadres. (Works like a charm. No questions asked)
6. The election campaign of the party turned off voters. For example – People did not like the Web Banners, Posters, Brand of shoe thrown at candidate, Slogans, Bhashans etc. On the other hand the election campaign of the winning party was liked by the voters.
7. Blame the weather e.g lack of monsoons led to destruction of crops or excess monsoons that killed standing crops and led to the disenchantment of farmers.
8. If you are pro Losing Party then blame everything else that can be blamed like the color of the EVM Machines to the uniforms of security personnel. Alternatively if you are pro Winning Party then write that this debacle of the Losing Party is the beginning of their end.
9. Last but not the least DO NOT give credit to the voter for casting the vote in favor of things that matter to him/her. (He/She is of no consequence. Ignore Him/Her)
10. Garnish your analysis with a clever headline like – Reasons for the Failure of XYZ! or Why XYZ lost the Elections! and serve with your name by the side. Argue with commenter’s who may not agree with you, grudgingly accept the criticism of commenter's who uses above technique to present a counter point and enjoy the heated discussions in the comment box with a glass of chilled beer.
You have now arrived as a Post Poll Analyst!! Enjoy your two minutes of fame!
Step one: Pick a defeated political party. Now that you know they have lost, it becomes easy to analyze why they lost.
Step two: Study their election promises and election campaign carefully. You are now ready to offer a definitive post poll analysis on why they lost the elections.
Step three: Carefully take each and every gesture of the party before elections and blame it squarely for their election debacle.
For instance –
1. The XYZ Party’s promise to increase/decrease fertilizer subsidy did not go down well with farmers as it actually works against the interest of the farmers. (Expand a bit with some research over Google)
2. The XYZ Party’s personal attacks on the winning party’s ministerial candidates did not go down well with the voters (like they care).
3. The ABC Party has lost touch with the people and that was another reason for their debacle. (This works all the time.)
4. The party lost the powerful vote bank of youth/women/gays due to their anti youth/women/gay policies. (Get creative, don’t stop at youth/women/gay. You may use other factors like Coca Cola, Oreo Biscuits and Proprietary Software.)
5. The leader of the party was not acceptable to the people and he also did not have the support of party cadres. (Works like a charm. No questions asked)
6. The election campaign of the party turned off voters. For example – People did not like the Web Banners, Posters, Brand of shoe thrown at candidate, Slogans, Bhashans etc. On the other hand the election campaign of the winning party was liked by the voters.
7. Blame the weather e.g lack of monsoons led to destruction of crops or excess monsoons that killed standing crops and led to the disenchantment of farmers.
8. If you are pro Losing Party then blame everything else that can be blamed like the color of the EVM Machines to the uniforms of security personnel. Alternatively if you are pro Winning Party then write that this debacle of the Losing Party is the beginning of their end.
9. Last but not the least DO NOT give credit to the voter for casting the vote in favor of things that matter to him/her. (He/She is of no consequence. Ignore Him/Her)
10. Garnish your analysis with a clever headline like – Reasons for the Failure of XYZ! or Why XYZ lost the Elections! and serve with your name by the side. Argue with commenter’s who may not agree with you, grudgingly accept the criticism of commenter's who uses above technique to present a counter point and enjoy the heated discussions in the comment box with a glass of chilled beer.
You have now arrived as a Post Poll Analyst!! Enjoy your two minutes of fame!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
The amateurs guide to rain making!
Are you fed up of dark skies, thunder and lightening and heavy winds with no sign of rains like us in this corner of Bangalore?
Are you fed up of the prolonged hot and humid weather with no respite which makes you feel hot and sweaty and icky?
Does the weather makes your hair frizzy and your face oily and make you look less attractive?
If you have answered in the affirmative to any one of the above question then I have just the remedy for you. The Silverine Rain Maker ™ is a tried and tested and ISI certified remedy that will make the tardy clouds let go of their precious cargo giving you relief from heat, humidity and oily skin within seconds. Follow these instructions carefully and you will soon be making rain like a professional and be the envy of the neighborhood.
1. Remove all the curtains, bed sheets, blankets, towels etc in your house and wash them nicely. Now hang them up to dry in the open.
Possibility of rain in 10 minutes - 97 %
Possibility of rain after they are nearly dry – 100%
2. Now take out all the heavy mattresses and Sofas from the house and put them out to air.
Possibility of rain – 98%
Possibility of a cloud burst – 100%
3. Throw a party in your garden or terrace. Make sure you do not hire any Shamiana or covering of any kind. Lay out the tables tastefully with table cloth and flower arrangements. Arrange an elaborate bar on one side of the lawn/terrace. Set the buffet table on the other side of the lawn/terrace.
Possibility of a rain before guests arrive – 95%.
Possibility of an electrical storm after all the guest have arrived - 100%
4. Organize a picnic for the family, friends or relatives in an area away from inhabitation like a remote lake or field.
Possibilities of rain before you start for the picnic spot - 98%.
Possibility of gusty winds, heavy rain, hailstones and lightening after you have reached the picnic spot and laid out the food- 100%
5. Cut Mangoes, Limes and other vegetables painstakingly for making pickles. Now mix the vegetables with salt and lay them out to dry on your terrace or front yard.
Possibility of rain - Instantaneous
6. Roll out a healthy batch of 500 to 1000 Pappadams/Appalams or any other savory crisps. Now lay them out 5 inches away from each other on newspapers to dry.
Possibility of rain when they are half dry- 98%
Possibility of rain when they are fully dry - 100%
7. Now go to the grocery store and buy one kilo Red Chillies, a kilo of Coriander seeds, a kilo of Jeera and a kilo of Turmeric or other spices. Now put them out on the terrace on newspaper or mats.
Possibility of a hurricane - 100%
8. Block all the drain pipes on your terrace with a cloth.
Possibility of a thunderstorm with cyclone warning – 101%
9. Go for a long walk with your dogs/BF/GF/ or anyone else.
Possibilities of rain after you are 500 meters from home - 0%
Possibilities of rain after you are a kilometer from home- 100%
10. Step out of the house in your best clothes or ordinary wear without your umbrella or rain coat.
Possibility of rain – Money back guranteed!!!
Are you fed up of the prolonged hot and humid weather with no respite which makes you feel hot and sweaty and icky?
Does the weather makes your hair frizzy and your face oily and make you look less attractive?
If you have answered in the affirmative to any one of the above question then I have just the remedy for you. The Silverine Rain Maker ™ is a tried and tested and ISI certified remedy that will make the tardy clouds let go of their precious cargo giving you relief from heat, humidity and oily skin within seconds. Follow these instructions carefully and you will soon be making rain like a professional and be the envy of the neighborhood.
1. Remove all the curtains, bed sheets, blankets, towels etc in your house and wash them nicely. Now hang them up to dry in the open.
Possibility of rain in 10 minutes - 97 %
Possibility of rain after they are nearly dry – 100%
2. Now take out all the heavy mattresses and Sofas from the house and put them out to air.
Possibility of rain – 98%
Possibility of a cloud burst – 100%
3. Throw a party in your garden or terrace. Make sure you do not hire any Shamiana or covering of any kind. Lay out the tables tastefully with table cloth and flower arrangements. Arrange an elaborate bar on one side of the lawn/terrace. Set the buffet table on the other side of the lawn/terrace.
Possibility of a rain before guests arrive – 95%.
Possibility of an electrical storm after all the guest have arrived - 100%
4. Organize a picnic for the family, friends or relatives in an area away from inhabitation like a remote lake or field.
Possibilities of rain before you start for the picnic spot - 98%.
Possibility of gusty winds, heavy rain, hailstones and lightening after you have reached the picnic spot and laid out the food- 100%
5. Cut Mangoes, Limes and other vegetables painstakingly for making pickles. Now mix the vegetables with salt and lay them out to dry on your terrace or front yard.
Possibility of rain - Instantaneous
6. Roll out a healthy batch of 500 to 1000 Pappadams/Appalams or any other savory crisps. Now lay them out 5 inches away from each other on newspapers to dry.
Possibility of rain when they are half dry- 98%
Possibility of rain when they are fully dry - 100%
7. Now go to the grocery store and buy one kilo Red Chillies, a kilo of Coriander seeds, a kilo of Jeera and a kilo of Turmeric or other spices. Now put them out on the terrace on newspaper or mats.
Possibility of a hurricane - 100%
8. Block all the drain pipes on your terrace with a cloth.
Possibility of a thunderstorm with cyclone warning – 101%
9. Go for a long walk with your dogs/BF/GF/ or anyone else.
Possibilities of rain after you are 500 meters from home - 0%
Possibilities of rain after you are a kilometer from home- 100%
10. Step out of the house in your best clothes or ordinary wear without your umbrella or rain coat.
Possibility of rain – Money back guranteed!!!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Hindicapped!
There is this guy in our office called SS. SS has been trying to grow a goatee quite unsuccessfully for the past six excruciating months. He does manage to grow a beard but it looks more like an Oxee, Cowiee, Sheepie, Mulee and a Horsey but never a Goatee. I guess you get the picture now from that description. This week he was looking like a Yeti.
Colleague : Can I have a word with you man!
SS (looking up from the keyboard): Sure!
Colleague: Oh my gawd!! The Abominable Snowman!
And he ran away for his life.
We were fed up! So last Sunday we got together in his apartment and while two guys held his hands, two of us shaved his hirsutic ambitions off.
Next day when we all walked into the office people were surprised to a clean shaven SS.
Colleague: Hey SS, teri dhaadi kahan gayi? (Where is your beard?)
Me: We shaved it off!
Colleague (surprised): And he allowed that????
Me: Humne uske saath zabardasthi ki!*
The atmosphere on the floor underwent a dramatic change and people who know Hindi were seen collapsing with laughter like nine pins. Me and my fellow Southies looked around bewildered. These Northies are strange! 8-|
Speaking of office there is a freeze on hiring due to the recession. Team Heads have been advised to hire internally till further notice. The Boss who was desperately trying to get people to join our team from other teams is now flooded with applications. Instead of being happy, he despairs. According to HR instructions, gender diversity has to be maintained at all costs in the office you see. All the applications he received are from males. Poor guy!
Out of the 567 applications he received, 567 applicants out of 567 applicants are willing to work for free if they are allowed to sit next to me. The travails of good looking girls are many I tell you…sigh!
According to a little bird called ‘Sysadmin’ people here are downloading copies of reports like “What makes some people more vulnerable to molestation” etc. by the dozen. Interesting! I saw one copy myself. It says timid people and people with low self esteem are more prone to be victims.
That reminds me…something strange is happening at our floor. Guys from the other floors are seen lurking around the dark corners of the building the moment they spot me heading in that direction. They sport a look of low self esteem and act very timid.
Have a nice week friends.
* p.s. someone just told the meaning of the sentence. How embarrassing!! Meri izzat loot gayi…:(
( For the benefit of clueless Southies like me, Zabardasti means 'to use force or against ones will'. It also has a sidey meaning... 'to molest'. I plead innocence!)
Colleague : Can I have a word with you man!
SS (looking up from the keyboard): Sure!
Colleague: Oh my gawd!! The Abominable Snowman!
And he ran away for his life.
We were fed up! So last Sunday we got together in his apartment and while two guys held his hands, two of us shaved his hirsutic ambitions off.
Next day when we all walked into the office people were surprised to a clean shaven SS.
Colleague: Hey SS, teri dhaadi kahan gayi? (Where is your beard?)
Me: We shaved it off!
Colleague (surprised): And he allowed that????
Me: Humne uske saath zabardasthi ki!*
The atmosphere on the floor underwent a dramatic change and people who know Hindi were seen collapsing with laughter like nine pins. Me and my fellow Southies looked around bewildered. These Northies are strange! 8-|
Speaking of office there is a freeze on hiring due to the recession. Team Heads have been advised to hire internally till further notice. The Boss who was desperately trying to get people to join our team from other teams is now flooded with applications. Instead of being happy, he despairs. According to HR instructions, gender diversity has to be maintained at all costs in the office you see. All the applications he received are from males. Poor guy!
Out of the 567 applications he received, 567 applicants out of 567 applicants are willing to work for free if they are allowed to sit next to me. The travails of good looking girls are many I tell you…sigh!
According to a little bird called ‘Sysadmin’ people here are downloading copies of reports like “What makes some people more vulnerable to molestation” etc. by the dozen. Interesting! I saw one copy myself. It says timid people and people with low self esteem are more prone to be victims.
That reminds me…something strange is happening at our floor. Guys from the other floors are seen lurking around the dark corners of the building the moment they spot me heading in that direction. They sport a look of low self esteem and act very timid.
Have a nice week friends.
* p.s. someone just told the meaning of the sentence. How embarrassing!! Meri izzat loot gayi…:(
( For the benefit of clueless Southies like me, Zabardasti means 'to use force or against ones will'. It also has a sidey meaning... 'to molest'. I plead innocence!)
Sunday, May 03, 2009
A Grim Tale
Long time ago, in a remote village in ancient India lived a highway robber named Buddhu. Buddhu was a fierce guy and killed anyone who resisted him. He spared no one.
Old lady: Kind Sir I am an old lady. This money is for the treatment of my son who is dying of a disease that will be called Cancer in the next centuries to come.
Buddhu: Thank you granny. I will take the money anyway! Methinks only prayer will cure your son now!
See how cruel he is!!
He looted people day in and day out and led a contented life with his ill begotten wealth. One day he spotted a Monk walking on the road. He jumped in front of the Monk and asked him for his money. The Monk gave him the alms he had gathered by begging and blessed the robber. The robber was taken aback. No one had blessed him before.
"Why did you bless me?" he asked the monk.
"So that you may succeed in all you do!" said the monk smiling serenely.
"But why would you bless someone who robbed you?" asked Buddhu bewildered.
"Because I hold no grudge against you. You did what you had to do to earn your livelihood" said the monk calmly.
Buddhu felt a strange feeling inside of him. He had never felt it before. He went home and narrated the incident to his old mother. His mother smiled and explained that what he felt inside was an emotion.
"What is an emotion ma" he asked blankly.
"It is a feeling" said his mother. "You were moved by the Monk’s kindness" she explained.
The next day Buddhu left for work early. It was the temple festival day and people would start walking towards the temple early. They would be loaded with cash for the festival. Soon he spotted a young couple coming down the road. Buddhu waited till they were near the tree he was hiding on and jumped down in front of them. He liked to surprise his victims. He was a man of style and panache. The young couple clutched at each other startled.
"Give me all your money” snarled Buddhu in a fearsome voice. The young man handed him the bag of cash and Buddhu left them alone. Buddhu counted the money. It was quite a lot. But he felt no elation...strangely. Every time he robbed people he got a heady feeling. But today he did not. The startled faces of the young couple haunted him. He felt like a bully snatching a bottle of milk from a baby. He decided to call it a day and left for home early.
In the night he tossed and turned but could not sleep. The faces of his victims flashed by in his mind like an unending Microsoft PowerPoint 2007 presentation. It was quite horrible. During the presentation the Windows rebooted 17 times. This made him feel worse as the presentation restarted from Slide One. (He did not know how to use the Page Down key you see to fast forward the presentation.) Computers were not invented then and he was sort of stuck that way.
Soon it was dawn. And with the dawn dawned a new man. (Pardon the melodrama.) Buddhu had undergone a miraculous transformation in the night due to the PPT Presentation. He decided that if he were to be born in the 21st Century he will stick to Linux …sorry that should read – Buddhu decided that he would lay down the tools of his bloody trade and become a regular victim err citizen. He conveyed to his mother his decision and she was overcome with mixed emotions.
After breakfast he took the farming implements from the back yard and left for the fields to tend to their crop. He had decided to return to his father’s and ancestor’s profession of farming. On the way he saw several of his victims. They ran away helter skelter in fear. Buddhu reached the fields and placed his lunch under a tree and started work after a prayer to his ancestors. He asked them for forgiveness for having abandoned the family trade and propitiated the Earth goddess to give him a good crop.
By afternoon small groups of people were watching him quizzically. He toiled on ignoring them and the harsh sun. By evening a sizable crowd of people had gathered by the fields. By night they had thrashed him to pulp.
Moral of the story:
1. That Monk was a smart cookie!
2. Buddhu was an idiot.
3. Only fools believe such stories dished out in generous measures in school text books.
4. I never got top marks for this question in school -“What is the moral of the story?”
5. Do not trust ppt presentations.
6. Do not trust people who advice you to change your career. They are merely making sure that you clear the corporate ladder for them.
7. I bet you all thought that Buddhu would turn a new leaf *snicker*
Gotcha big time all of you tee hee. Have a nice week anyways! :p
p.s. more 'moral of the story' welcome. I can never get enough.
Old lady: Kind Sir I am an old lady. This money is for the treatment of my son who is dying of a disease that will be called Cancer in the next centuries to come.
Buddhu: Thank you granny. I will take the money anyway! Methinks only prayer will cure your son now!
See how cruel he is!!
He looted people day in and day out and led a contented life with his ill begotten wealth. One day he spotted a Monk walking on the road. He jumped in front of the Monk and asked him for his money. The Monk gave him the alms he had gathered by begging and blessed the robber. The robber was taken aback. No one had blessed him before.
"Why did you bless me?" he asked the monk.
"So that you may succeed in all you do!" said the monk smiling serenely.
"But why would you bless someone who robbed you?" asked Buddhu bewildered.
"Because I hold no grudge against you. You did what you had to do to earn your livelihood" said the monk calmly.
Buddhu felt a strange feeling inside of him. He had never felt it before. He went home and narrated the incident to his old mother. His mother smiled and explained that what he felt inside was an emotion.
"What is an emotion ma" he asked blankly.
"It is a feeling" said his mother. "You were moved by the Monk’s kindness" she explained.
The next day Buddhu left for work early. It was the temple festival day and people would start walking towards the temple early. They would be loaded with cash for the festival. Soon he spotted a young couple coming down the road. Buddhu waited till they were near the tree he was hiding on and jumped down in front of them. He liked to surprise his victims. He was a man of style and panache. The young couple clutched at each other startled.
"Give me all your money” snarled Buddhu in a fearsome voice. The young man handed him the bag of cash and Buddhu left them alone. Buddhu counted the money. It was quite a lot. But he felt no elation...strangely. Every time he robbed people he got a heady feeling. But today he did not. The startled faces of the young couple haunted him. He felt like a bully snatching a bottle of milk from a baby. He decided to call it a day and left for home early.
In the night he tossed and turned but could not sleep. The faces of his victims flashed by in his mind like an unending Microsoft PowerPoint 2007 presentation. It was quite horrible. During the presentation the Windows rebooted 17 times. This made him feel worse as the presentation restarted from Slide One. (He did not know how to use the Page Down key you see to fast forward the presentation.) Computers were not invented then and he was sort of stuck that way.
Soon it was dawn. And with the dawn dawned a new man. (Pardon the melodrama.) Buddhu had undergone a miraculous transformation in the night due to the PPT Presentation. He decided that if he were to be born in the 21st Century he will stick to Linux …sorry that should read – Buddhu decided that he would lay down the tools of his bloody trade and become a regular victim err citizen. He conveyed to his mother his decision and she was overcome with mixed emotions.
After breakfast he took the farming implements from the back yard and left for the fields to tend to their crop. He had decided to return to his father’s and ancestor’s profession of farming. On the way he saw several of his victims. They ran away helter skelter in fear. Buddhu reached the fields and placed his lunch under a tree and started work after a prayer to his ancestors. He asked them for forgiveness for having abandoned the family trade and propitiated the Earth goddess to give him a good crop.
By afternoon small groups of people were watching him quizzically. He toiled on ignoring them and the harsh sun. By evening a sizable crowd of people had gathered by the fields. By night they had thrashed him to pulp.
Moral of the story:
1. That Monk was a smart cookie!
2. Buddhu was an idiot.
3. Only fools believe such stories dished out in generous measures in school text books.
4. I never got top marks for this question in school -“What is the moral of the story?”
5. Do not trust ppt presentations.
6. Do not trust people who advice you to change your career. They are merely making sure that you clear the corporate ladder for them.
7. I bet you all thought that Buddhu would turn a new leaf *snicker*
Gotcha big time all of you tee hee. Have a nice week anyways! :p
p.s. more 'moral of the story' welcome. I can never get enough.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Mind Googling achievements!
Where have all the book critics gone? Do we have any famous names in book reviews today? It was not so long ago that the world abounded in book reviews and critics showed the way to new literature. They were a fearless independent and entertaining bunch of people to whom I owe a lot for the mind boggling marks I got for my book review assignments. Copying and pasting is so much easier than writing your own review no? Besides the latter would involve reading the book brrrr
I come from the stables of a college with an English Department that considered Book Reviews to be the be all and end all of English education. Not submitting a book review was considered a sin graver then the Seven Deadly Sins and many an English Professor were convinced that such an act should be made the 8th Deadly sin by the Vatican. Thank god no Professor from my college ever became the President of India or the consequences would be catastrophic!
Minister: Madam President, here is the clemency petition of the terrorist who bombed the parliament.
Prof: hmmm the death sentence does seem harsh!
Minister: But Madam President he attacked the very seat of democracy!
Prof: True! But he did not kill anyone…
Minister: Madam President he defiled the shrine of our constitution!!
Prof: I don’t think…
Minister: Besides Madam President, he was notorious for not submitting his book reviews during English classes!
Prof (screeching): What!!!! Kill! Shoot him! Bomb him! Hang him! Maim him! Wait I will kill the $%#^&@ myself !!!!
Presidential guards rush to restrain the President!
If not submitting a book review was the 8th Deadly Sin then not submitting a Film Review after a Film Appreciation class was the 9th Deadly Sin of the college. While we hoped that we were shown movies like Lady Chatterley’s Lover, what we got was horrible art films that could render one’s brain geriatric in one film sitting.
Hero: But naught the air transfixed thine soul to me.
Heroine: Alas!
Class: zzZZZZZZZZ! snooOORRREE!
The professor who would be sleeping in her front seat would wake up when the snores got louder or someone whispered too loud. Her “ahem” would ring in class like a toy pistol in a war and she would be forced to bang the table to get our attention. As a punishment she would rewind the movie (groan) and we had to watch the horror show again.
Hero: It is but a folly to think that I entertained the very thought of humaneness!
Heroine: Perhaps the black clouds signify something…I can feel an imminent catastrophe in my bosom!
Class: *giggle*
Prof: What is so funny about a catastrophe of the bosom?
Class: ROTFL!!!
After the class settled the Professor would give us an inscrutable look and we cringed at the thought of the next Film Appreciation Class. This lady was formidable. Her collection of absolutely unfathomable movies could zap the brains of Einstein and render him stupid in seconds. One day she bought a movie on the angst of an Art Filmmaker (AF)!
AF (screaming): Ambiguity!!!! Ambiguity!!!! It will be my death! AARRGHH! AARRGHH!
Friend: Your obsession with the artificial construction of reality will be your doom!
AF (screaming): NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friend: Your inner psychological state should be portrayed with more subjective realism and it should be within the bounds of the narrative.
AFM: AARRGHH!!!!!!!!!! *Smashes furniture, vomits and then passes out*
Class: Duh!
Prof: Please submit a review by tomorrow morning.
Class: *gulp*
We were often subject to movies on social issues to “develop” our social consciousness and sensitiveness”
French Revolutionary: This is a prescient moment… it will forever influence the course modern societies in transition would follow!
Lady: The era of revolutions is nigh! This is a decisive event of our lives!
Girl 1: Why isn’t he kissing her?
Girl 2: I think he is a revolutionary.
Girl 3: LOL!!
Girl 4: he he that was funny!
Girl 2: What’s so funny!
Rest of the class: ROFL!!
Prof: For god’s sake what’s so funny about the French Revolution!!!!!
Thank god Film Appreciation Classes were few and we managed to put together a film project after carefully Goolging err I mean after carefully considering the message of the film, the director’s purpose or intention and the theme of the film and comparing other films from the same director/genre. :|
Now if you are wondering why I am looking for book critics …well…we have a book review contest in our Newsletter you see and old habits die hard. :(
I come from the stables of a college with an English Department that considered Book Reviews to be the be all and end all of English education. Not submitting a book review was considered a sin graver then the Seven Deadly Sins and many an English Professor were convinced that such an act should be made the 8th Deadly sin by the Vatican. Thank god no Professor from my college ever became the President of India or the consequences would be catastrophic!
Minister: Madam President, here is the clemency petition of the terrorist who bombed the parliament.
Prof: hmmm the death sentence does seem harsh!
Minister: But Madam President he attacked the very seat of democracy!
Prof: True! But he did not kill anyone…
Minister: Madam President he defiled the shrine of our constitution!!
Prof: I don’t think…
Minister: Besides Madam President, he was notorious for not submitting his book reviews during English classes!
Prof (screeching): What!!!! Kill! Shoot him! Bomb him! Hang him! Maim him! Wait I will kill the $%#^&@ myself !!!!
Presidential guards rush to restrain the President!
If not submitting a book review was the 8th Deadly Sin then not submitting a Film Review after a Film Appreciation class was the 9th Deadly Sin of the college. While we hoped that we were shown movies like Lady Chatterley’s Lover, what we got was horrible art films that could render one’s brain geriatric in one film sitting.
Hero: But naught the air transfixed thine soul to me.
Heroine: Alas!
Class: zzZZZZZZZZ! snooOORRREE!
The professor who would be sleeping in her front seat would wake up when the snores got louder or someone whispered too loud. Her “ahem” would ring in class like a toy pistol in a war and she would be forced to bang the table to get our attention. As a punishment she would rewind the movie (groan) and we had to watch the horror show again.
Hero: It is but a folly to think that I entertained the very thought of humaneness!
Heroine: Perhaps the black clouds signify something…I can feel an imminent catastrophe in my bosom!
Class: *giggle*
Prof: What is so funny about a catastrophe of the bosom?
Class: ROTFL!!!
After the class settled the Professor would give us an inscrutable look and we cringed at the thought of the next Film Appreciation Class. This lady was formidable. Her collection of absolutely unfathomable movies could zap the brains of Einstein and render him stupid in seconds. One day she bought a movie on the angst of an Art Filmmaker (AF)!
AF (screaming): Ambiguity!!!! Ambiguity!!!! It will be my death! AARRGHH! AARRGHH!
Friend: Your obsession with the artificial construction of reality will be your doom!
AF (screaming): NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friend: Your inner psychological state should be portrayed with more subjective realism and it should be within the bounds of the narrative.
AFM: AARRGHH!!!!!!!!!! *Smashes furniture, vomits and then passes out*
Class: Duh!
Prof: Please submit a review by tomorrow morning.
Class: *gulp*
We were often subject to movies on social issues to “develop” our social consciousness and sensitiveness”
French Revolutionary: This is a prescient moment… it will forever influence the course modern societies in transition would follow!
Lady: The era of revolutions is nigh! This is a decisive event of our lives!
Girl 1: Why isn’t he kissing her?
Girl 2: I think he is a revolutionary.
Girl 3: LOL!!
Girl 4: he he that was funny!
Girl 2: What’s so funny!
Rest of the class: ROFL!!
Prof: For god’s sake what’s so funny about the French Revolution!!!!!
Thank god Film Appreciation Classes were few and we managed to put together a film project after carefully Goolging err I mean after carefully considering the message of the film, the director’s purpose or intention and the theme of the film and comparing other films from the same director/genre. :|
Now if you are wondering why I am looking for book critics …well…we have a book review contest in our Newsletter you see and old habits die hard. :(
Monday, April 20, 2009
Voter ID Complex
The last to last State elections was the first time I had voted. I had my brand new Voters ID card that said that I, Miss Anfadi Phitik was a legitimate voter. I was so proud! My Dad had got his Voter ID card too after sitting in front of the camera at the Election Office and saying his name aloud for 5678 times for four consecutive years. Finally they got the camera working and now he too has a card that says that Mr Phitik is a registered Indian voter.
So I, along with my mom Mrs Lolma Photik ( Leelamma Philip) and my neighbors Mrs Sraksmi ( Mrs. Srilakshmi) and Mrs. Suchla Ree ( Sujatha Rao) went to vote at this government school near my house. The queue outside the polling booth was short. However the queue outside the office that had the Voters List was serpentine. Mr. Harass Joker ( Harish Jadhav) a friend of my dad was pretty agitated. He claimed that his name and that of his wife’s Mrs Soti Jujhave ( Sita Jadhav) were not in the electoral Rolls. His children Atal ( Anil) and Hosita (Hrishita) were also excluded from the list.
I spotted the uncle from the lane behind our house coming towards us. He was fuming. He claimed that the Election Office was trying to hitch a certain Hathi Kumti around his neck. He was already married to Mrs. Hita Kumari. He was so upset that he went home without voting. Mrs. Hathi Kumti err I mean Mrs. Hita Kumari did vote like a good citizen when the officer on duty told her that she need not worry about the name Hathi Kumti and vote under her Serial Number. So did the rest of us.
Elsewhere another drama was happening. Mrs. Lilly Kuriakose was seen chasing her husband around the school demanding to know who Lly Kurkure was. According to the Voter List he was married to a Mrs. Lly Kurkure. The couple was advised to go for counseling by a sympathetic Polling Officer. He even gave them the name of a Marriage Counselor. Apparently Mr Jain Daze (John D’Souza) is a very successful marriage counselor. Last heard Mr. and Mrs. Kuriakose are yet to find Mr. Jain Daze and Mrs. Lily has filed for divorce as this year the voters list says that Mr. Kuriakose is married to a Mrs. Polly Lurkose.
My maid Lakshmi is pragmatic. She says that in the last elections she voted as 'Lakmi', this year she will vote as 'Lookme' and hopefully by the next elections her name would have transformed to a decent 'Leksmi'. She is optimistic. I am not.
p.s. Please vote even if the sight of your name in the voters list makes you flinch.
So I, along with my mom Mrs Lolma Photik ( Leelamma Philip) and my neighbors Mrs Sraksmi ( Mrs. Srilakshmi) and Mrs. Suchla Ree ( Sujatha Rao) went to vote at this government school near my house. The queue outside the polling booth was short. However the queue outside the office that had the Voters List was serpentine. Mr. Harass Joker ( Harish Jadhav) a friend of my dad was pretty agitated. He claimed that his name and that of his wife’s Mrs Soti Jujhave ( Sita Jadhav) were not in the electoral Rolls. His children Atal ( Anil) and Hosita (Hrishita) were also excluded from the list.
I spotted the uncle from the lane behind our house coming towards us. He was fuming. He claimed that the Election Office was trying to hitch a certain Hathi Kumti around his neck. He was already married to Mrs. Hita Kumari. He was so upset that he went home without voting. Mrs. Hathi Kumti err I mean Mrs. Hita Kumari did vote like a good citizen when the officer on duty told her that she need not worry about the name Hathi Kumti and vote under her Serial Number. So did the rest of us.
Elsewhere another drama was happening. Mrs. Lilly Kuriakose was seen chasing her husband around the school demanding to know who Lly Kurkure was. According to the Voter List he was married to a Mrs. Lly Kurkure. The couple was advised to go for counseling by a sympathetic Polling Officer. He even gave them the name of a Marriage Counselor. Apparently Mr Jain Daze (John D’Souza) is a very successful marriage counselor. Last heard Mr. and Mrs. Kuriakose are yet to find Mr. Jain Daze and Mrs. Lily has filed for divorce as this year the voters list says that Mr. Kuriakose is married to a Mrs. Polly Lurkose.
My maid Lakshmi is pragmatic. She says that in the last elections she voted as 'Lakmi', this year she will vote as 'Lookme' and hopefully by the next elections her name would have transformed to a decent 'Leksmi'. She is optimistic. I am not.
p.s. Please vote even if the sight of your name in the voters list makes you flinch.
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