I have this Aunty from hell err Kottayam. She is my neighbor actually. Aundy lets call her Susannah, has eleventy hundred relations. Not uncommon for a mallu from my part of the kundry. However she is one of a kind.
Aundy (spotting my mom): Ketto! My niece Ruby is coming from Pattanamthitta!
Aundy: I told you no! She is Elsy’s elder daughter!
Aundy: Tch you forgot…remember I told you about Babymon's accident last year…he fell from the motor room roof…Elsy is his mom!
Me: Of course Amma remembers him Aundy! * fierce look at my ma* don’t you ma?
Mom (uncomfortably): Actually no.
Aundy: Aiyyo…let me refresh your memory. Do you remember Sunny who came here last month?
Mom: Was he the guy with soda glasses.
Aundy: No!!! That was Sijumon. Sunny had the burn mark on his cheek.
Mom: Oh yes! I remember.
Aundy: Sunny’s first cousin is Babymon.
Mom (miserably): Oh!
Aundy: You want anything from Pattanamthitta?
Mom: No thanks!
Aundy: Ketto leelamme!!
Me: You open your mouth and I will gag you with a towel.
Mom: But she is calling me.
Aundy: Leelamme!! Leeeelamme!
Me: Don’t you dare open your mouth!
Mom: Don’t be rude. She is calling me.
Mom: Endho! (Yes)
Aundy (peeping over the wall): Ruby has come! *grin*
Mom: Please bring her home sometime.
Me: I cannot believe you said that. Did you just say that!!!
Mom (ignoring me): Do bring her over for lunch tomorrow.
Aundy: Of course!! I have told her all about you all.
Day two at the dining table:
Aundy (to Ruby): Leelamma is a very good cook like Shirly aunty.
Me: Don’t ask who is Shirley!
Mom: Who is Shirley?
Aundy: She is Thomachanpappans daughter. Remember the guy who left priesthood?
Aundy: Remember I told you about my Uncle Antony who used to work in Malaysia?
Mom: I vaguely remember…
Aundy: Shirley is his wife’s sister!
Aundy: Ruby’s parents are looking for a suitable boy for her.
Mom: Really! Well I hope they find someone soon!
Aundy: Her uncle George…remember I told you about him…
Me: Of course she remembers. More payasam... anyone?
Me: Jesus Christ!!!
Aundy: Remember I went for my nieces daughters wedding last year?
Me: Of course!
Aundy: Podi! I am talking to your mother!
Mom: I frankly don’t remember.
Me: I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!!
Aundy: George is her Dad.
Mom: Oh ok!
Aundy: Which George are you thinking about?
Me (tremulously): Cake anyone?
Aundy: Not the George from Changanassery who works for Aramco, this George is my mom’s brother who lives in Mumbai. I told you about him!!
Aundy: Heh heh Leelamme, you are not paying attention these days.
Me: She is growing old. She can hardly remember anything these days.
Mom (annoyed): My memory is just fine hmmpphh!
Aundy: Ha ha see I told you!
Me (dryly): Then its selective recall I guess!
Aundy: You are getting too big for your boots!! I know what you just said has a double meaning!! My nephew Arun in Goa is just like you!!
Did I say Aundy was one of a kind? I eat my words.