Sunday, August 16, 2009

Much ado about nothing

Mumbai: News has just come in that Mah Rukh Kkkan, an Indian actor and superstar was held back for secondary investigations at an US airport. He was in transit to another US city. The immigration officer refused to buy the story that he was an Indian superstar. In a press statement the official said, “He looks nothing like a superstar. He is clearly lying!!”

Meanwhile news of his detention spread like wildfire and the film fraternity came out strongly in support of the actor.

Harinder Singh, who describes himself as “a very popular Indian actor” said “These Americans are such airheads!!! Any kid can give you the dirt on Mah Rukh. We need to make a big stink about this so that this is not repeated. What a bummer!”

Mr. Hail Kan another Indian actor who says that he will be the “next superstar” said “It’s not like Mah Rukh had any hardware on him! I do not think that officer had it all together!!”

“Pardon me if I am getting a little huffy” said Kriyanka Opra an Indian actress, “but Mah Rukh is an Indian superstar in India. Detaining him for questioning is ridiculous. GET REAL!!!!”

Reporters interviewing the stars were seen consulting the “The Complete Book of American Slang – Eighth Edition” before sending in their stories for publishing. They are hoping that the US authorities will not hold back prominent Indians in India in the US in future as it causes considerable delays in getting the story to the press. The Press Distrust of India met the US Ambassador in New Delhi and handed over a letter of protest in this regard in UK English. The Ambassador has promised to look into the matter as soon as he can get the letter translated into US English.

Meanwhile the Minister for Something Ms. Mookambika Tony has said that the situation calls for a ‘tit for tat’ treatment for Americans. The announcement has catapulted India into the 'Most Preferred Destination' for Americans in 2009. According to Brad Kelley, an American who is planning to visit India, “Tit for tat sounds great. But what is “tat’? Is it legal?”

“I am deeply hurt by this incident” said Dolly Dimple, a B grade actress “they should have not treated whatshisname the way they did!!” Rajesh Gumnaam another B Grade actor said that “My new movie Junglee Bhoot will be released soon and oh yes...I hope what happened to Hrithik Roshan does not happen again.”

Flop actor Jaani Singh said “I want to voice my protest over this incident and reassure my fans that I will make my 65th comeback soon” He was then seen chasing the reporter who refused to film his interview. Reporters were seen running helter-skelter in Mumbai as swarms of B Grade, C Grade and flop actors descended on them to give their quotes on the subject.

In the meantime, Ms Mookambika announced at a Press Conference today, that all Americans coming into India will now be questioned for two hours and then given one phone call before being released. As per government rules the phone connection used will be BSNL. As an after thought she said that the number of phone calls will be raised to 250 considering certain factors which she refused to elaborate on.

Meanwhile the minister has asked the immigration department to compile 120 objective questions of one minute duration for detention purposes. The questionnaire will be prepared by the Government Services Recruitment Board (GSRB) to detain Americans coming into India. Before this news went to press it has been reliably learned that the questionnaire is now available for Rs 2000 to Rs. 3000/- from your neighborhood LEQPP (R) (Leaked Examination Question Paper provider).

Meanwhile press and TV reporters covering the story have gone into hiding as every Indian actor and actress worth their salt have been haranguing them for airtime. Mr Zubin Newswallah, a harried reporter said that the Actorazzi were stalking him 24 hours of the day and he was being followed by helicopter borne actors if he stepped out of his house. Some Actorazzi are camping outside his house and some have even taken up positions on the tress outside his house. Another reporter on vacation had Actorazzi troubling him as he sunbathed with his family on the Kovalam beach. He was forced to cut short his vacation and get back to his now secured apartment in Mumbai. The reporters complain that it is highly stressful to live under the constant vigil of the stars. Some reporters, who just do not want to be harassed, found creative ways to hide their faces from the Actorazzi. Mr. Srinivas Srinivasan, a reporter with The Indian Mail, dressed up as the HINI flu virus to hoodwink the Actorazzi. According to him “The actors are now wary of me and keep their distance from me heh heh.” He plans to bring out a book on the subject soon.

As this news goes to press, this reporter has realized that she has wandered away from the main topic of this news release. Since she cannot remember what it was that she was writing about to begin with, she will go ahead and publish it anyway. Speaking to no one in particular she said “I hate Mondays!”

32 comments:

phoenix said...

Your mock press releases are the best! Had a good laugh on this one!! :-))

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

Going by the american slang for tat(http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tat) and the embellishment on the average american's skin, that phrase is certainly one sellable idea! :|

Anyway, this reporter has an update that Mah Rukh Kkkan was disappointed on reading this article and said, "Kuch kuch hota hai Anjali, tum nahin samjhoge!"

Anonymous said...

Actorazzi was a good one!

Narendra Naramala said...

shit..! missed posting the first comment again..!

neways..i wanted to do this for a long time..

PLeaseeeeeeeee Maryyyy Meeeeeee..!!!!

scorpiogenius said...

Appreciate that you've touched on almost every tom, dick and harry who've voiced their ' shock' and 'anger' about this so-called humiliation of the actor. well done Silverine! :)

This Khan thing and his array of whistle blowers should be taken to the cleaners for some serious laundry of their brains. Also put in those NDTV dudes who went ballistic after every B,C and even Z grade actors in Bombay to get an 'expert' opinion. I'm not mentioning Star News for very obvious reasons.

Our country wont understand how seriously the US consider their national security. Didn't you hear that some US Senator himself got frisked in Dallas or somewhere? Anyway our Kaan got some cheap publicity for the next movie, didn't you see the ToI? "My name is Kaan"...Oh Gosh!

I was so worried about this incident because I thought this fool actor was going to run away with the limelight on our Independence Day. You know, SRK was the trending topic in Twitter for many hours on August 15th!

Grayquill said...

I am so confused - did this really happen or did you make it all up? (Phoenix - comment)
If it is all made up, you totally had me. I was thinking India actors are no different than American actors. Give them a little fame and they think they are gods.
Good post....I think...thinking is so hard when one is confused.

Grayquill said...

What is your answer to Narendar?

Prats said...

Lolzzzz!!!

S said...

HAHAHA :D Girl, u sure know how to start a monday off on fire! ;)

Personally, i think Mr. K wanted to meet Obama and was not given the time of the day and so being inspired by the whole Sgt. Crowley-Racial profiling issue...he thought that a 'religious' profiling issue was not so far flung...and maybe Prez O would meet him for a round of desi daaru and chicken tikka!

Alas! eeeet was not to beeee...

S said...

HAHAHA :D Girl, u sure know how to start a monday off on fire! ;)

Personally, i think Mr. K wanted to meet Obama and was not given the time of the day and so being inspired by the whole Sgt. Crowley-Racial profiling issue...he thought that a 'religious' profiling issue was not so far flung...and maybe Prez O would meet him for a round of desi daaru and chicken tikka!

Alas! eeeet was not to beeee...

slash\\ said...

That's a lot of ground you covered in a post. "Tit for tat", I'm sure the Indian security guys won't mind frisking Mrs. Pitt as revenge for Mr. Khan. That would be a "Tit for twat" though.

Annie said...

He forgot to remember that he went to America to celebrate India's independence. Ultimately Shah Ruk's independence there got a 'rokh'. Let the media to continue to make celebrities fools themselves. We can have nice entertainment like this post of yours. Good. keep it up.

Pratz said...

lolz.... nice post....

p.s. i hate mondays too

hammy said...

Well, I hate THIS Monday a bit less after reading the bit about Actorazzis. A very prudent plan, methinks. I'll pay to see the B-grade movie "The Revenge of the Actorazzis: Cameras reloaded"

As for the Actor persecuted for his name, it IS ridiculous they had to detain him for two hours before verifying his side of the tale, but then again, you have to consider the fact that Google WAS down for a while. That's probably what delayed the fact-checking stage.

Of course, they were only doing their duty. King Kon... err... Khan DID fall into their categorization for prospective terrorists. As most experienced security agents know, terrorists often enter the airports in flashy grandeur, dragging an army-wide entourage of assistants. Another distinguishing trait of the modern terrorist is the tendency to attract a bunch of swooning fans.

"Oh my God", whispered the lone but active brain cell in the customs agent's head, "there goes a guy who's trying to sneak past security!"

The larger debate is the suspiciously large percentage of Muslims being detained for 'random' checks. "Ahem. Welcome to America. For YOUR safety and YOUR convenience, we shall now have a small security check on a few RANDOMLY selected guests... So, please step this way, Mr. Ahmed, Riyas, Muhammed, Illyas, Sajid, Mehmood, Rabas, Nasar, Jaffer, Imtiaz, and... err... and Mr. Smith."

It DOES need to be tackled properly, but the media attention seems to be focused on the wrong issue - "Hey, he's a celebrity in India. Let him go. Come on, he dances around trees, how dangerous can he be?"

Pramod Abraham said...

Given the new film release of the actor I cannot think of a bigger publicity coup!Brilliant isn't it?

Nona said...

Thank you. This was a good remedy for Monday!

Aniket said...

Well he had it coming. He did say ki uska intezar 11 mulko ki police kar rahi hai right? He should have stuck to the mulk where nobody bothers to catch anyone. :D

Oh please gather everyone who loves mondays and escort them towards the wall on the firing range. :D

hitchwriter said...

brilliantly done !!!!! loved your take...

frankly doesnt matter if they detain SRK or not... its his problem... !! simple.. why dont people leave it at that...

thomas said...

@narendra: No chance baby. She's all mine. If Ashton Kutcher can marry Demi Moore, then why can't this dashing young man marry an old rickety crone. Right Anjali? ;) Please reject his proposal ASAP, else I'll turn into psycho Mah Rukh Kkkan as in Darr ;)

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

@Hammy: You must start posting your comments as blog posts during lean phases in your blog :)

vogonosphere said...

Nice post. Liked the actorazzi twist. I've 'blogrolled' you.
And Amen I hate Mondays too

Destiny's child... said...

Lol..I know its kinda lame to just post a 'lol' comment every time you blog, but then, that's exactly what I did! Lol-ed
Keep writing! :)

Thoorika said...

For once you comment section is gaining more popularity than your brilliant posts!! :P :D

Santhosh P said...

This reporter has done a good job. To me, Ms. Mookambika Tony and ‘tit for tat’ are the highlights of this incident. Next time Brad Pitt and AJ come here - of course with the vicious objective of adopting our children - we should not just frisk them but make them watch whatever is the latest Ram Gopal Varma movie at that time. RGV ki Aag will ensure U.S will never ever dare to frisk anybody even remotely connected to Bollywood, and we can also stop AJ and BPs adoption spree as well – all permanently.

Biju said...

I agree. There is ONLY ado nothing beyond it. I just wrote a blog on this topic today before I read yours. To my surprise it was the same topic with a comic touch. Well written as always Anjali.:-)

Sweta said...

gud one again!! but what eez theez anjali..??? 3 days n no new post...!!!!:( ...too much work eh?)? do use the pen ( i mean keyboard) more often...wotsay?

Avinash Joseph said...

Too too good!

Arun said...

You Demi Moore? I thought you are An Joe Lee.

Intrepid Dreamer said...

Most hilarious take on the issue, I have ever read :)

silverine said...

Phoenix: Thanks girl! :)

Karthik: No comments on the "sell able idea" :|
:))

Anon: Thanks! :)

Narendra Narmala: So sweet! :) I will take that as a compliment! :)

Scorpiogenius: It was ridiculous how people were getting so worked up over a trivial issue and hilarious to see people jostling for TV time using this issue as an excuse. Our media is getting to be a rabble rouser. And I did not know it was a big topic on Twitter. No time these days to be online. :)

Grayquill: :) Yes this did happen though I have exaggerated a bit! And our stars are the same as yours.

Pratz: Always nice to see you here buddy! :)

S: LOL!! So THAT was the reason I see! :))

Slash: :D I am sure they would love to do that!

Annie: You are right! Celebrities are making fools of themselves and they think the people are buying their sob stories. Mah Rukh usually a level headed guy seems to have realized that by his "explanatory" Press Conference! :)

Pratz: Join the club! :)

Hammy: I guess by now we all know what happened. I have to disagree a wee bit here. Even his bodyguard did not get Visa, so entourage of people following him is ruled out. And there were other people similarly detained on his admission, so he was not the only one. And the fact he is a star in India does not mean the officer can bend rules.

Pramod: I guess so! :)

Nona: Thanks buddy! :)

Aniket: LOL!! Good one! I remember that dialog! So what is he complaining about? People like us have genuine grievances against "Monday" :p

hitchwriter: You are right. I bet Mr. Tony is trying to get that foot out of her mouth! :)

Thomas: You are absolutely right! If Demi can bag an Ashton why should I settle for an ugly Thomas? Next candidate please!!! :|
lol!

Vogonosphere: Thank you! :) Join the fastest growing club in the world! :))

Destiny’s child: Thanks girl and keep lol'ing! :)

Thoorika: hehe! :)

Santhosh: ROFL!! We must patent the RGV's Aag torture technique!

Biju: Thanks and I read your post too!

Sweta: Thanks girl but I post only once a week! And you are absolutely right about too much work! Sigh!

Avinash: Thank you! :)

Arun: I am still An jo Lee, couldn't find an Ashton to become a Demo Moore! :))

Intrepid Dreamer: Thank you very much! :)

Dwayne said...

wouldn't it be great if they were too actually give him the full treatment the next time around... yeah, he'll probably claim that too when the DVD releases :)

hammy said...

@Karthik Sivaramakrishnan:
Excellent suggestion. But frankly, during the lean phases on my blog, I am usually bogged down with work, and I don't even get time to comment much. I blame it squarely and solely on my office work. In those phases, the only exception is good ol silverine. So in that sense, whatever of my comments survive the lean phase is already parsed at poomanam. :D

@silverine:
Thanks for the info. I wasn't too clear about the particulars, mostly because beyond getting amused at the crybaby antics, I wasn't interested enough to follow the story through (until AFTER I read your take on it, of course). In essence, I do agree that the situation was over-hyped. As far as I can understand, it's just interrogation. There was no threat, physical or verbal abuse... Not even rude behavior, unless I'm underinformed as usual. SRK should have just complied, and it would still have been hyped a bit by the media, to the tune of "Hey, even Shah Rukh was detained." But as it turned out, he behaved like a prima donna. I like the guy on some levels, and tolerate most of his antics, but this incident could have been handled a lot more gracefully.

My other comment about Muslims being targeted for random inspection more frequently - was an independent critique. I just included that here cos there were some talks about that as well within this incident. I am not sure how far I support/ am against the newfound American paranoia. I do understand their fears, but they need to understand that their official actions and policies have significant influence on the general public too.