Wednesday, April 19, 2006

India Pak Peace Talks

India and Pakistan have been in a dialogue till now. Representatives of the two longtime adversaries, agreed to a timetable for a series of high-level meetings over the next several months. Expert opinions differ. Some are wary because of the history of animosity. Other experts, however, say that this time around might be different. The U.S. ambassador to India, told a Council on Foreign Relations meeting that he saw excellent chances for success in these talks.

The first such meeting was held in New Delhi last month.This reporter was privy to all meetings.

Foreign Secretary India: What should we have for our lunch discussion today?
Foreign Secretary Pakistan: Tangdi Kabab, Dal Makhani and Tandoori Roti?
Foreign Secretary India: Absolutely not. Lets have Masala Dosa instead.
Foreign Secretary Pakistan (aghast): Masala Dosa ??? UGH *hmph*

The first round of talks failed and the meeting was adjourned to the next month at Islamabad.

Indian Foreign Secretary: What is the menu for our dinner discussions?
Foreign Secretary Pakistan: Mutton Biryani, Lachedaar Paraatha and Sherbet
Indian Foreign Secretary: What??? No Curd Rice ?
Foreign Secretary Pakistan: er...what's Curd Rice?
Foreign Secretary India: How inconsiderate !!!*hmph*

The failure of the second round of talks was greeted with dismay by the international community .The resultant International pressure has led to the convening of a Ministerial level meeting in Simla.

Indian Minister: Welcome brother. We have arranged an excellent Mujra by Miss Masala after our Dinner talks.
Pakistani Minister( sulking): I want Aishwarya Rai to do the mujra.
Indian Minister: Well...our budget would not permit that.
Pakistani Minister: Then I am not talking to you. *hmph*

It was clear after the Ministerial level talks that there were irrevocable differences between the two countries and it has been decided that both Foreign Ministers would meet in Rawalpindi next.

Pakistani Minister: Salaam Alekum, we are honored by your presence here. What would you like to drink?
Indian Minister: Bhaang!!
Pakistani Minister: I am afraid we do not have Bhaang. I have Blue Label Whiskey specially ordered for you.
Indian Minister: You dont' have Bhaang?? Then I am not talking to you. *hmph*

According to inside sources, the high level discussions collapsed after India insisted that Pakistan stop supporting terrorists in Kashmir, and Pakistan insisted that India include final-status discussions on Kashmir as part of any future talks.

37 comments:

Alit said...

hehehee!!!
Lemme walk away with the kudos for the first comment here... :p

silverine said...

@Alit: Thanks for the first comment :)

Alexis Leon said...

You should join the diplomatic core. Then there will definitely some progress in the peace talks :-). It would not be as difficult as the heaven makeover.

Lets have Masala Dosa instead. ROFL

Alit said...

OK. Now the real comment on the post...
You were spot on the reasons why these talks fail though they are not alone.
Some other reasons... (all reliably learnt -;))
* Brazil losing world cup final to France
* Amoeba's inability stick to a singe shape
* David Beckham naming his second son as Romeo
and once over a disgreement on exact failure reason itself. :p

Bombay Dosti said...

As always.. humourous like silverine

Arjun Ramakrishnan said...

u couldn't have been there, in that case, i want the source!!! :))

was this one of those hidden cameras thing?? well, finally we have the solution to indo-pak problems anyway, get two vegetarian foreign ministers, preferably teetotallers too (i volunteer from the indian side. :D)...

divyaa said...

he he he so this is why India terms their demands are unrealistic and the talks always ends in a 'stalemate'

Hilarious!!!

Immigrant in Canada said...

if i can get the mysore masala dosa I don't mind being part of the negotiation team..which ever isde offers the dosa, i join..

Rockus said...

I will side with the Pakis on this...all my fav food is with them!

Goan Pao said...

Bhaang in place of Blue Label, who made this man a minister...he should be fired....
from what I hear the talks never failed, but the two adversaries just announced failures so that they could keep getting together for a round of drinks and some mujra...you see ministers and foreign secretaries are very lonely people.

Thanu said...

very silverine like - funny

starry nights said...

Enjoyed this post, you really have a way with words.

Ajay said...

haha
u r absolutely right. They will talk all the irrelevent things at these talks and get no solutions

Fleiger said...

Thank god they are just fighting for what food to have. Think what will happen if they start fighting where the next meeting will take place.

PFM: I haven't seen Taj Mahal yet. Let's meet at Agra/Delhi next time.

IFM: But I haven't seen Ajanta yet. It's better. Let's meet at Mumbai.

PFM: Grrrr...

calvin said...

Well its just the food , drinks and Aishwarya Rai.. Thank god for that.

Hey ! No Malayalee minister or secretaries ? We would have seen more progress......

silverine said...

@Alexis: I think I should and put an end to this impasse :)
@Alit: Thanks for that very learned and well researched info :p
@Arjun: My sources are confidential. But if Pak has a veg minister then you will lead our delegation! Guaranteed :))
@Divyaa: "Stalemate" indeed by the look of the menu :))
@immigrantincanada: You are such a patriotic Indian LOL
@Rockus: Yet another patriotic Indian :))
@Goan Pav: You got the gist of the post, Kudos!! When Mushraff was in India, all we heard was the Menu.
@Thanu and Starry nights; Thank you :)
@Ajay: And when the govt is paying the tab for the jamboree why not make the party indefinite??? :))
@Fleiger: LOL Good one
@Aashik: Er...mallu ministers??? Then we may have potential International scandals and worsening of relations LOL

iyer education said...

they say meetings are places where people waste hours trying to make minutes... but then these meetings are a tad different :)... full dhammal

Mind Curry said...

lol..now i wonder what happened to "karimeen" diplomacy when the indo-chinese talks happened in kumarakom backwaters in kerala. chi lee chung and co went back quietly.

Dev said...

Absolute gold from Silverine? :)
Great post, once again. :D

Anand K said...

Audio-Video Transcript of emergency bilateral intelligence meet held on April 20, 2006. 01:00 Hours,
RAW safehouse, Guttahalli, Bangalore:

"How dare she haj the temerity misconstrukt our Shpartan Chai-Biskoot meets! Preposteruss! She ij an ajent provocateur! Thij person reprejjenj a Klear and prejent daynger to both our countriej sekurity, I say. She MUST be likkwidated!", thundered Brigadier Ali Bakr Butt of the Pakistani Army, in his flawless Sandhurst-Lahori mongrel accent.

Col Anand, Code Name-Bvonji of the RAW, calmly wipes Brig. Butt's spittle off his face, cleans his glasses witha deep sigh and replies in his native accent, "Entharappi Choodavunnathu... is umar mein itna gussa ottum nallathalla. Sit down boss! Thalle, kalippu situation! Jamedar Jiby, ingerkku oru thanutha bvonji ozhichu kodade... no sugar."
The Colonel addresses Brig. Butt politley but firmly, "Vokay, this pennumpillai is a major yaeni agreed... But Butt Mian, the praablem is, WE want to kaachify her ourselves! Bahumanya Mantriji himself signed the order yesterday.... Ouvvar besht shooters are deciding whom to send at this veree momment. Look...." he points to the backyard where black denim clad commandos were intently engaged in Musical Chairs.

"OYE, BLAADEE KUFR.... YOU SHALLN'T! Laang time shince I shot something that doejn't walk on four legs, old fruit. I came all the way from my vacation in Heera Mandi for thij honour! Do not try stop me.", says the Brig with a demonic grin, his nostrils flaring, knuckles white...

"Vo pinne, you tholikkum!", snarls the Colonel, slowly reaching for his ancestral vadivaal kept inside his shirt, hooked handle suspended from the back of his collar Trivandrum ishtyle.

The Brig swearing in his native tounge now-"Chakk De Phatte! Teri Tho... "(Sounds of gunfire, screams and swooshes. Heavy Static.Transmission ends.)

Another core issue of India-Pakistan tensions begins...

silverine said...

@Anand: I just lost my job for laughing hysterically in the office.

Reply to comment later when I get back home
=))

Nikhil Narayanan said...

1)Nice post, guess the Indian diplomat is a southie..y guess...sure he is
2)http://www.indianmilliondollarpage.com/index.html
I got some pixels for free there, some freebee offer..Same biz model as Alex Tew(if u dunno, do a google)...gave a link to ur blog from some pixels..
all the grey ones are mine..jus scroll the mouse over all of them, somewhere couple of pixels point to Silverine...
I linked to most of the blogs I knew..:-)

silverine said...

@Iyer Education: When you agree to disagree like India and Pak then it is better to party :))
@mind curry: Karimeen diplomacy is a good idea. I think it should be tried. After all we have already exhausted Tandoori Diplomacy, Mughali diplomacy etc. etc. LOL
@Dev: Thanks buddy. Always nice to see you here :)
@Nikhil: Checked out the site and thanks a ton for linking me too :)
@Anand: That was the funniest comment since Flaash's comment to my 'Work Perils' post LOL
Thanks for the gruesome ending I do not have to watch out for people tailing me and taking pot shots at me :))))

Fleiger said...

Oh, you forgot Karnataka spl Rice bath, and all other baths in the list.

hope and love said...

lol..! u always make me smile u adorable girl...!we had gone to kulu and manali last april..and i fell in love with the himalayas.. now when peeps tell abt munnar or kodai i look at him in disgust..
:))
but the season at kulu is in june july.. ie u want to see the apple blossoms... the trees r bare in april..
kulu shawls r good .. get ur photos in the local costumes.. i took mine.. my boys and peeps laughed at me but they pixs were a hit here..
beas river will be almost dry now.. but still its beautiful with millions of polishesd stones..
we couldnt go to rohtang pass cos of some snow slide but the boys did skying at another place.. the deodar trees and the woods r amazing..!
u will love the place..!!


have a great trip.. !

Immigrant in Canada said...

@immigrantincanada: You are such a patriotic Indian LOL

entire Malaysian forces would be landing in India soon with nasi lemak and kwayteow goreng protesting...
Although geneticlly I belong to malayalee suriani christiani cult..sorry group..nationality still Malaysian la...

1.618 said...

ROTFL...

Was sharing this info. in my workplace today :)

If Aishwarya is gonna do a Mujra, I am willing to represent India!!!

silverine said...

@Fleiger: Of course, Karnatka's Chow Chow Baath and don't forget Chettinaad Diplomacy as well :))
@HnL: Thanks for all that info. This holiday is to just lie back and relax, no hectic sight seeing etc. :) p.s. Ooty and Kodai are my fav destinations and I go to Ooty every year. Move out of the towns and it is just plain greenery.
@immigrant in canada: What I meant was your dis-loyalty ..i.e. giving up your country for a Dosai.Like Rockus who is willing to go to the Pak camp for Tandi Kabab :))
@1.618: So many people offering their services now. I guess an India Pak talk is an endless party lol

Dhanush said...

He He .. Nice Post. How about some Rava Baath and Kanda Poha for the next round :)

Sukumar Menon said...

Good to know that my fellow couuntry men are happily making fun of such discussions because we guard the border in seachin and many such places. We hope these discussion reach a result which will end Indo-pak tension.

-regards
Catain Sukumar Menon

Anonymous said...

There has been criticism of the government for not anticipating Kargil. For the future use of diplomats here are three warning signs of possible invasion:

1) Many men in uniform with guns mass along the border of a country.

2) The leader of that country has a mustache.

3) The man with the mustache makes speeches about how the neighboring state really belonged to his country.

Good work silverine.
This was great humor indeed for us at the institute. Bowled over m'am.

Lt. Akshay
NDA

silverine said...

@Dhanush: Thanks!!! Rava Baath and Kanda Poha? Why not, we need as many 'culinary' inititatives as possible :))
@ 'Catain' Sukumar Menon: Is 'Catain' a new rank in the Army ?
"happily making fun of such discussions because we guard the border in seachin and many such places.
Guilty as charged.
p.s. What is 'seachin'? Is it edible? :p
@Akshay: That was sooo funny lol
p.s. Are you Aks of Inscriber?

tcr_79 said...

:) :)

venus said...

When you are already humoring us on pak, there are a few more additions:
NJoy!

1. Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention?
A. It's a solar powered flashlight.

2. Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention?
A. The new automatic Pakistani parachutes.

3. Why did Mian Musharraf decide to have only 4 kids?
A. Because he'd read in the newspaper that 1 out of every 5 babies born in the world today is Chinese.

4. How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?
A. Put it in water.

5. Did you hear the news about a 747 which crashed in a cemetery in Karachi?
A.The Pakistani officials have so far retrieved 3000 bodies.

6. Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who wanted to be buried at sea on his death?
A. Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave.

7. Did you hear about the other tragedy in Karachi?
A. There was a terrible power cut in Karachi's Four Square Shopping Mall:people were stuck on the escalator for 4 hrs.

8. Did you hear about the Pakistani family that froze to death outside a theatre?
A. They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the winter".

9. Did you hear about the Pakistani Air-Force helicopter crash?
A. The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.

10. Why do Pakistani dogs have flat noses?
A. They get it from chasing parked cars.

11. Did you hear about the Pakistani who studied diligently for 5 days?
A. He was scheduled to take a urine test.

12. Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library?
A. Somebody stole the book.

Anand K said...

Oho..... how about this classic Paki joke? (PG-13 warning!) :P

What do you call a Paki hooker in France?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
La Whore >:D

silverine said...

@Anand: That was a good one !!! LOL

Biju said...

Humerously written! Good post! We won't see a success in these talks atleast in our life time. :-)