Tuesday, July 07, 2009

A tuesday revelation

So everybody here is into the new week yeah! I am sure you all got out of bed in a jiffy and got ready with a smile on your lips and a song in your heart. Tuesday sure is a lovely day isn’t it? Tuesday means - only three more days to Friday!Nice!

I am looking forward to this week too. (The keyword is “this week” folks. I am no shallow work loving person.) There is a lot that is happening in office and I am not talking about work. We have several new people who have joined us and each one is a one man/woman entertainment show.

Last week a new HR executive joined us. In order to keep her busy and out of her hair, the HR Manager delegated her with the task of preparing a report on the comings and goings (a.k.a attendance record) of the people working here. After a week of intense study of the company Access Card data, she submitted her findings to the HR manager. It made a very umm interesting read and we came to know of some hitherto unknown fact about our colleagues.

According to the report…

1. My boss reported for work on the first day of work and after signing out in the evening has never come to the office again. HR Exec has recommended a missing persons report to be filed at the nearest police station.

2. Yours truly does not exist. She is yet to come to work. Perhaps her offer letter is pending.

3. Foxy has been living in this building for the past five years and the HR executive is very worried about him. No, she is not worried about his lack of time off. She is concerned that he may be working in the same clothes for the past five years.

4. The Marketing Managers in this organization come to work only for 30 minutes after which they sign out and go home.

5. The IT Architect comes to work some times but prefers to work in the Camera Control Room. (Note to self: He is till trying to find out who switches off his Servers! Damn!)

6. The only sign of life in this building are Visitors and Pizza Delivery boys, Juice Delivery boys and Cigarette delivery boys.

7. The only people who come to work in this building are Housekeeping Staff, Maintenance Staff, Security Staff and the catering people.

8. The company urgently needs to hire a CEO, COO, CTO and other top Management people. There is no evidence of the people hired for the job.

9. Ms. Blah Blah is the only person who comes to work in the morning and leaves in the evening. Considering the general trend in the office, HR Exec feels that Ms Blah Blah should be sent for a medical test to evaluate her abnormal behavior.

10. All male staff seem to enter and exit the Smoking Section of the Terrace frequently. But there is no record of them entering the building. This paranormal phenomenon occurs every one hour for some people, every two hours for some and every half an hour for the majority. HR Exec did try to solve the mystery but could not see much in the dense smoke.

I know what you all are thinking and I agree with you. That HR Executive should be fired!

And now for some good news! After the release of the report I was once again awarded The Tailgater of the Year Award. Thank you for the applause. I humbly acknowledge your admiration, appreciation, wonder, awe and absolute devotion!

Have a nice week folks!

29 comments:

Still thinking said...

Seriously Silverine, there ain't any smoke without fire? Are you by any chance taking two paychecks? :p

P.S: I totally dig your humour gurl!...lol!

sandeep said...

my card has stopped working for a long time! if the same report is generated at my office, i'll get that 'tailgater' award :)

indiashoes said...

I think that HR executive might just be promoted! Peter Principle be damned. If there is no meticulous person to take care of attendance, and wonder how paranormal activity occurs, what exactly will HR do? ;)
*pun fully intended*

Annemarie said...

LOL!!!

I agree with the first commenter! Any vacancies in your office? :-P

Pramod Abraham said...

The new HR Exec could be a Pink Panther in the making ! Better be careful.

Static Variable said...

that was one hilarious post. you do have talent there. and i guess the story is same everywhere.

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

"The Tailgater of the Year Award."???? Come on! You could've got a better name for it!

Hilarious piece. Your office really roxx!

blunt edges said...

:D:D:D

n how come d "no-smokin-in-office-premises" rule aint implemented in ur office????

line of d day:
"HR Exec did try to solve the mystery but could not see much in the dense smoke" lol

Anita :) said...

Totally hilarious..!Lol!

Aniket said...

Cigarette delivery boys? Seriously?

Where exactly do you work? :D

This gave me so many good laughs. Sent you some twitter love again.

My boss finally said to me a week back "Kabhi to apni seat pe dikh jaaya karo" :D

I'll take a print of this and secretly place it on his place. Ha! Then he'll know. At least I go to the office more than once a year. :P


PS: I wont be printing it okay. I would never break copyright laws. At least not with you. Wonder what you'll write about anyone who ever does. :D

PPS: I wonder if they just write 'This area is under CCTV surveillance to provoke our guts'
Seriously, who would watch it? Not even sure they tape it. How much data would be gathered daily? 180 people playing solitaire or mailing old forwards. Who would watch that?

Bullshee said...

Hilarious one!!!

Did they find your boss yet or is he still MIA???!

I'm not surprised about the smoking statistics!! One hour seems a bit on the low end though!

Parikshith Kumar said...

Heh heh, good one.

S said...

Ahh shoot! do u have an opening at ur office? i'd like to apply!
Here, the guards have been recruited directly from the CIA...they wont let us in before making sure the card is punched (beeped) and the photo on the id matches the mug on our shoulders (yes!! they do that for all the 1500 odd employees in this building!)..and that is one tricky task because most of the poeple have either lost too much hair, weight, eyesight, or all (some have even shrunk due to the sheer excess of man hours put in...)
So don't be surprised if u walk into our building one morning and see a queue of bewildered employees standing outside the reception, WITH their IDs hanging from their necks...

Grayquill said...

Good post! After careful analysis of your post. It has become clear you must work for either General Motors or the CIA; although some have suggested the Universtity of Washington but that was rejected because you actually seem smart.
Thanks for the smiles.

Thoorika said...

I dont think there ud be any need to fire her.. give her some time.. she herself will submit her resignation... ! :D

hammy said...

In my own place of work, attendance is compulsory, strict, and rigidly enforced. Headquarters in Mumbai collects the attendance sheets every month, analyses employee work hours, patterns, and sends routine scorn mail at late entry, early exits, and oftentimes threaten to lick off the salary crust for some of the erring colleagues.

So I think it's safe to say they take the issue seriously. Effectively, the common habit is to put in the entry and exit times at a batch level by the end of the month, relying solely on the memory of the past... And it turns out... we have perfect attendance. Almost all the employees clock in before office opens and leave after office is closed. Apparently, all employees are experts at picking locks, but hey - HQ is happy.

silverine said...

still thinking: Don't give me ideas girl! :)) And thanks for the appreciation. Honored!

sandeep: lol! As long as you don't compete with me I am alright!:|

indiashoes: lol! The HR manager has given her some other task to keep her busy now. Wonder what report we will get next week! :p

Annmarie: All vacancies closed by very interesting people! :|

Pramod: HR Exec has just discovered that we do not have attendance tracking here as everyone travels 5 times a week. :p

static variable: Thanks buddy! :)

Abhi: It sure does! When you become manager join us! :)

blunt edges: We have smoking zones! :) And they are easy to find by the billowing smoke arising out of that area! :p

Anita: Thanks girl! :)

Aniket: We have bean bags too and massage chairs lol! In my office I am the one who tells the Boss "Kabhi to apni seat pe dikh jaaya karo" :D And you can take a printouts, no probs and you just gave me an idea for a post as I have had several of my posts plagiarized! 180 people playing Solitaire and mailing fwds sounds so much like my office!!! :))
Thanks a ton for the tweet sweet!!!!

Bullshee: He is still MIA :| The way these guys smoke I wonder if they are having a contest to see who smokes the most!!

Parikshit: Thanks buddy! :)

S: LOL!! That was really funny! :)) Here we don't even know whose access cards we are wearing! :p

Thoorika: lol!

Grayquill: rofl!! I learned a lot of new things with that comment!!!

Hammy: :D HQ sure must be happy at the level of job satisfaction in your office!

Sriram said...

haha Foxy's back :P
LOL@ the smoking!! What do u ladies do btw??

Ashwathy said...

hahah... i m sure this must be case with a lot of organisations. there is always a lot more than meets the eye, rite? ;)

scorpiogenius said...

It seems you're in the right place. I now understand how you're able to find time for two active blogs..;)

but seriously, you dont feel its about time you interfered in the smoking habits of your male colleagues? At least be concerned about dear old foxy!

Ms Taggart said...

Awesome workplace! I think this year your company will replace mine as the best workplace in India.. :P
And can I please join your place? I can help you in switching off the servers, and probably not come to office either.. :D

anishthomas said...

hmmm that was hilarious :)
But it happens in many firms
in between what is "The Tailgater of the Year Award"

Nona said...

Nice post and a very humorous take on attendance analysis.

The conclusions is yours. But how did you get hold of the data? Did the HR share this with everyone?

Nazish Rahman said...

lol...its a HR report that u wont find anywhere...wonder if the employees get their salaries in this organization!!!

that was one hilarious post....was nice!!!

Shimmer said...

kekekeke... ur HR must be treated fr her abnormal efficiency

Santhosh P said...

Was expecting a budget analysis from you this time around because that’s what concerned, serious columnists and bloggers should be doing when governments start squeezing ‘aam admi’ by increasing customs duty (by 5%!) on essential commodities like Set Top Boxes. I’m sure going to raise my voice on this;plus other important issues like using the same budget suitcase again and again by finance ministers, so that by next election, at least the Tamil Nadu government will come up with free Set Top Boxes for the poor and suitcases for finance ministers.

silverine said...

Sriram: We avoid the smoking zone! :)

Ashwathy: Right! ;)

Scorpiogenius: Poor guys, they get enough nagging from wife, mom, GF's. So let them smoke in peace in office! :)

Ms Taggart: Interesting! I will be contacting you soon! :|

Anish: Tailgating means walking in through the door after someone else has swiped their card and opened it! :P

Nona: Well I have my methods of getting hold of some reports! ;)

Nazish: Thanks you buddy and welcome to my blog! :)

shimmer: Absolutely agree with you! ;)

Santhosh: lol! Never noticed the suitcase thingy! Read your take on the budget. Really funny. :)

Santhosh P said...

Silverine, thanks for the promotional help by linking my post, my viewership jumped 10 times due to that! In real numbers 1 to 10 many not be that big a leap, but statistically it’s a big morale booster. Thanks.

And all you readers of sliverine, switch to reading my blog, I guarantee you hundred percent entertainment, if you consider wasting your time reading poor attempts to crack jokes as entertainment I mean.

Shanu said...

Lol! I used to get the tailgater award in my organisation..but then they introduced stupid security guys to actually chk on ppl tailgating! :(