Monday, June 29, 2009

How to make a Chinese Film in four easy steps.

(Note: This is a free tutorial. But I live hand to mouth so do leave a donation. Really large donations would be welcome and preferred. You are under no obligation to donate but if you don’t, you will rot in hell and it is really hot in there I tell you.)


Ingredients for the movie.

1. 1 Good looking Chinese guy knowing the martial arts
2. 1 Good looking Chinese girl knowing the martial arts.
3. 1 Sinister looking Chinese villain knowing the martial arts and dreadful PJ's delivered with a straight face
4. Several dumb followers of the villain also knowing the martial arts.
5. 1 Fragile old martial warrior capable of mouthing corny philosophy with a straight face.
6. 1 thingy, lets call it The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja or some other crap that is the prize every one with fight over and which more or less makes up the plot of the movie.
7. Awful lot of what we have come to believe is Chinese Music


Scene one: China 14th BC.

The good looking Chinese guy who is obviously the Hero is sleeping in his bedroom and into the room appears from amongst billowing blue and yellow smoke an apparition. The apparition who is an old frail Chinese man (Ingredient No. 5) informs the Hero that he has been pre ordained by the Venerable One who lives in the land of the Fire Breathing Dragons to be the next inheritor of The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja. Hero nearly craps in his bed when he sees the apparition

Apparition: *cough* *cough*
Hero: You have an awful cough!
Apparition: Its this stupid smoke!
Hero: Why are you appearing out of smoke then?
Apparition: It is a special effect bozo. The audience likes it!
Hero (bowing deeply): Forgive me O Learned One.

The apparition disappears and appears again because he has forgotten to give the Hero the directions to the Valley of a Thousand Sighs where The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja is kept atop a mountain in The Imperial Pagoda. The apparition then disappears again…temporarily.


Scene Two

Hero sets off to the Valley of a Thousand Sighs on foot followed at a distance by the Villain's men who have listened into the conversation between the Hero and the Apparition. The day turns dark and the Hero takes rest under a tree in the night. Just when he is falling asleep he is attacked by the Villain’s men. What follows is a fine display of Middle School Geometry as you see limbs flying in Acute, Obtuse and Straight Angles all over the place accompanied by awful grunts and feminine screeches. Amidst this fine display of Geometric Angles of Limbs (a.k.a Martial Arts) comes the Villain. He was waiting patiently somewhere for his men to get beaten to pulp and now he takes on the Hero. The Hero and the Villain eye each other warily through indistinguishable eyes, hands extended as though squeezing the neck of a really large necked man. They move in circles, first clockwise, then counter clockwise and then clockwise. Into this scenario arrives the good looking Chinese girl wearing a veil. Villain makes sexist jokes leering at her lustily. She plunges at the Villain in an amazing display of Geometric Angles of Limbs beneath Diaphanous Gown and the two manage to chase the Villain away. After the departure of the Villain the girl bows deeply and explains that she is the daughter of the Enlightened One who sits on the Mountains of Silver Mist and that she has been assigned to assist him. The Hero bows back and when he straightens up she has disappeared into the forest. The Hero vows never to bow too deeply again!

Scene three

Our Hero reaches the mountain and sees a languid pool of water called The Lake of a Thousand Tears. Here he is again confronted by the Villain’s men who have made an instantaneous recovery from their earlier thrashings. Another fine display of Geometric Angles of the Limbs this time on the mountainside and then the Hero departs on his way. After negotiating 5678 hair pins bends the Hero is ambushed by the Villain who delivers him a mortal blow with his sword. Hero is left to die and he is peacefully snoring on the road when the apparition reappears scaring the crap out of him again. The apparition reminds the Hero of his task.

Apparition: You have many tasks to accomplish before you sleep like a log that has been washed over by The Raging Dragon Sea!
Hero: Huh?
Apparition: Do you not know that by the time the sun sets over The Realm of Darkness the Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja should be removed from The Imperial Pagoda!!
Hero: Err could you please repeat that!
Apparition: Sigh!


Scene Four

Hero reaches The Imperial Pagoda only to be confronted by the Villain and you are treated to another hour spectacularly boring Geometric Angles of the Limbs which is an exact replica of previous Geometric Angles of the Limbs. This time however the Hero wins the Battle of the Geometric Angle of Limbs and manages to remove The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja from The Imperial Pagoda a fraction of a second before the sun sets over the Realm of Darkness. Phew! Chinese music flows over the credits that sound surprisingly like the rendition of what some orchestra in Los Angeles thinks is Chinese music.

THE END!


This post is dedicated to my brother M who has single handedly kept the Hong Kong movie industry alive and kicking (pun unintended) by buying every$#%@& movie that they come out with!

That’s it folks. Have a nice week and do not forget to donate.

41 comments:

Raven said...

Another brilliant and funny work by Silverine ,.. What would life be without you ?

Aniruddha said...

ROFL...Too cool...
btw I am on your brother's side. I have lend a helping hand to that movie industry numerous times.

blunt edges said...

roflmao...awesomeeeeeee!!!!

d cast...d nomencalture...d dialogs...everythin rocked...me still laughin away :D:D:D

n a spcl mention 2 d line of d day:
"The Hero vows never to bow too deeply again!"

roflmao...all over again!!! :D ***applause***

chirpy-paaro said...

Hahhahaa...this is awesomely hilarious... Loved it whole heartily..I hope to read what your brother has to say about it.. :)

Santhosh P said...

Enjoyed the tutorial very much, no plans to contribute, I prefer going to the hell if things there are as hot as what I see in the so called music channels. Also, one advice(free, no contributions needed) that I want to give to all you Chinese movie makers is that don’t have both the hero and heroine having long hair, at times its very difficult to make out who is who, especially in the rear and side shots. Or to state it straight, Manchester-United is not that popular a team in India; yet.

Pramod Abraham said...

Looks you have been watching a lot of these movies along with ur Bro startign with Crouching Tiger hidden..

The Spectacled Skeptic said...

LOL! this is hillarious! you're an amazing writer! :)

/urgu said...

My god, this is simply too good. Coming up with stuff like the Geometry of the Limbs and "instantaneous recovery" on a steady basis is, well, totally \m/. Had a good laugh after a long time.

scorpiogenius said...

the dialogues... nice imagination there :)

Never knew Chinese films were so easy.. may try out one myself. will dedicate the movie to Silverine as a donation, howzzaaaaat?

Shanu said...

Lol..where do i leave my donations??

Sreejith said...

Hahaha.. hilarious stuff!!

Sigh.. I have to carry a lotta summer-wear for the trip to hell.. are you sure it's hot? Lolz..

dsk said...

well... its at least better than the mallu flicks of the old???ramu69

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

Excellent parody!

I am deeply moved by the tragic situation of such a talented blogger friend and wish to help you out of your troubles! I will do the needful.

Thoorika said...

You know what?! Start writing novels like HP series.. ! I bet you can beat even Rowling!! Super Imagination!!! :D

Abraham Menacherry said...

on the good side at least it is better than saas bahu...:)

There is a movie in which a disciple bows deeply to bruce lee and gets a knock on the head... I get the feeling after seeing such films each time*...

*after age 15! Before that I was leader of the "Brother M" band....:)

Binny V A said...

I sense an overdose of Martial art film. See a couple of romantic films and a science fiction flick. Call a doctor if the symptoms persists even after that.

starscream said...

Awesome.... But i Guess you forgot the TRAINING session...

After the hero is left to die there is always the TRAINING when he sits over the fire and does push ups with a char No 5 on his back and swords below...

Jim said...

There's another way, which also allows you to rock to the Chemical Brothers

RukmaniRam said...

i wonder if they _ever_ made a martial arts movie without a learned one

Jackson said...

you know, i actually can't wait for this movie now.. i will donate if you promise to make it..

Arun said...

They are getting better and better. Keep em coming, Anja Lee!

Will donate as soon as my ship comes in ;)

Jackie C. said...

I love your post. Yups me also fed up with all those boring martial arts scenes and all...

A. Kumar said...

Chinese movies will soon rule over bollywood in India. Indo-Chinese movies are the future. Thanks for your post. Now I know how to make a proper chinese movie. Only a few bollywood elements to be added...to cater to the Indian audience....like say an item no. by that chinese girl in the forest.Or a deevotional prayer by the chinese hero's mom back home when she apparantly senses her son is in grave danger...wow i have started getting ideas...thanks a lot....now one will set on to work....John was rite...ur blog is great...

Pratz said...

Naaaice

Aniket said...

ROFLMAO!

Well I have my fair share of them too since the '36th chamber of Shaolin' days.

I am tweeting this. :D

silverine said...

Apologies for the delay in replying folks. Boss was trying to kill me with overwork. It is apparently the new technique to fire people."

Raven: Thank you girl. Very sweet of you! :)

Aniruddha: Thank you! :) So we have another co conspirator here I see. This post has drawn a lot of people out of the closet. Nice!

blunt edges: Thank you O Great Man Who is Generous with Nice Nice Words! I bow to thee!

chirpy-paro: He was deeply hurt by the post and has bought a couple of dozen of these movies to heal the hurt!

Santhosh P: Those music videos are nothing but PR work by the devil I tell you. Do not fall for it. Give me money instead!

p.s thanks for the input. Will incorporate into the tutorial.

Pramod: When people watch it on the tele at home you cannot escape seeing glimpses of it. It is like second hand smoke. Only deadlier.

The Spectacled Skeptic: Thank you dear! :) I am naming the venerable old man in my next movie The Spectacled Skeptic.

Urgu: Thank you! :) My brother is hunting for you after reading your comment.

Scorpiogenius: Thank you so much. Honored! But please do not dedicate your movie to me. I love my life and limbs too much!

Shanu: The Collection Agent will be at your door shortly. He's been sitting jobless since yesterday!

Sreejith: Thank you! :) It is very hot in hell indeed and today they turned up the heat up to unbearable hot. It would be cooler to send me money instead.

DSK: ramu69???? That sounds terrible! LOL!

Karthik: Thank you Kind Man with Overflowing Purse. May the great Buddha put more notes in there!

Thoorika: Thanks girl! :)

Abraham: Saas bahu and Chinese Movies is like the devil and the deep sea for me. But I luvvv Jackie Chan! :p And glad to know you grew up after 15.

Binny: Thank you. Am trying on Bro asap. Will let you know the results or better still I will give him your address so that he can thank you acutely or obtusely!

Starscream: Humble thanks for reminding me. Training session will be incorporated into the tutorial.

Jim: LOL!! That was horrible! :p

Rukmini: That would be sacrilege!!

Jackson: err this was a tutorial for prospective movie makers. But if you donate now I will definitley make one.

Arun: Old Chinese saying. "Do not wait for ship. Take a loan and pay back when ship comes in."

Jackie C: I have been in love with you for ages. Marry me!

A. Kumar: I threw up my Breakfast after reading your comment. I sense grave danger to the Ramsey Brothers Horror Movie making business if that is true!

Pratz: Is that Chinese for "Nice"? Then thank you! :)

Aniket: Thank you! :) And for tweeting this I will not hate you for watching those godaweful movies.

Arun said...

If at all there is such a saying in Chinese, Miss Anja Lee, it will read:
Wait no ship. Take loan. Ship comes pay.

Anonymous said...

As a long time reader, I denounce this post. It hurts the sentiments of the serious movie buff !
How can not be taken in by the magic of a Kung fu movie ? I think Shyam benegal and Satyajit ray can learn a thing or two from these wonderful masterpieces.:P

But honestly, I still love watching them. No one can match Jet Li when it comes to action :) I also like the scenes where they drink sweet corn chicken soup and chase it down with some chinese arrack and then fight like a drunken monkey :)

-V

Janus said...

Heyyyaa Silverineeee...

This is legal noticeee from the ministryyy of the chinese movieee department.

We sueeee youu for
1) makig funnn of our nationalll movieesss

2) our culturallll heritage...

3) our masha larts..

we shallll send 30 DVDs of our unreleased movieeess to your bradar...and are sendingg you one way tickett to chiina. we will make you watch 5 movieesss a day for the next 100 yars..or you have to payyy $123124 million in mental harraesment and punnitivee damage..

pls mail bradar address - have to send DVD

pls mail ur address- have to sned ticket..

Bye byeee
Yehaaa !

Parikshith Kumar said...

You know what Silv, I showed this post to few of my friends in China and the Hong Kong movie industry. They were really impressed with it and have sent you a letter of appreciation. Here it is:

Dear Missus Anja Lee-san,
You very good post. Your blog nice. It is very impressive film training tutorial guide. On behalf and befull of Hong Kong Movie Industry, we present you the Ching Chan Chyoong award for cinematic excellence (which includes a free bowl of chowmein). And as our appreciation, we also like to appoint you to be the guardian of The Divine Kitchen-knife of the Wise Mountain Monk and The Sacred Nail-cutter of the Pagoda Janitor . Please you award accept. As my English not good, remainder of this letter will be in Chinese. 閩語 閩語 閩語 閩語 閩語 閩語 閩語 閩語 閩語 閩語.

With Bows and Warm Regards,
Id-lee.

hammy said...

"The hero vows never to bow too deeply again." That cracked me up.

The Site of a Million Laughs once again proves why Silverine is the Empress of the Perennial Ha-Has. Personally, I have to pass my salutations to M, The Prince of the Chinese Reel Sponsors. If he has indeed bought every '$#%@& movie' that they came out with, then that is a resource I'd really love to tap. Perhaps M can be persuaded to share The Anthology of A Zillion Kicks... at least to a few of us Jackie Chan fans. (If you include JC movies with the rest of them, well, I may be a Silverine fan and all, but I wouldn't hesitate to give you the Draconic Glance of Evil... maybe even a Shadow of the Crane knuckle punch)

BTW, I can't help but wonder if your brother would be inclined to use Hair-pulling of Mystical Screams on his sister over this post.

:D

DPhatsez said...

Haaaiii-Yaaaaaaaa!
I'm with your bro on this one.Me also a kung fu movie fan.Outraged by this stereotypical onslaught.

"He was the son of prophecy..who would save the world from tyranny..betrayed by the sister he loved...can he find it within himself to save himself..to save the world..

One man..(Action Montage)..
one sister..(whirlwind kicks)..
one desire..(mystic music)..

This Summer..Brother Lee is..
(aaaaiiieeee Haaaaaiiieeee yaaaaauuu)
"Mystic Brother, Vanquished Sister"
starring
Brother Lee(Hero)
DPhat Fuk-u(Powerful Ally)
Anja Lee(Mega Biatch Villainess)

Coming soon to a cinema near you

Kiran said...

Hi, I arrived here from DesiPundit ... and I've been laughing so hard for the past 15 mins; I'l probably need Chinese medicine to cure me (maybe Ingredient 5 will help me find one? :D)

Anyways - keep blogging and coming up with such hilarious posts :) And needless to say, I'm linking to this post!

innocent bystander said...

ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahah

man!!! you're the best... top notch stuff

Anonymous said...

You have never let me down on these gloomy mondays. Not once.

First time poster. Although I am inclined to enjoy a chinese movie once in a while, i can totally see the point you made.

The hero vowing never to bow again was a brilliant masterpiece; more like an afterthought...the word AWESOME would be inadequate. :)
Keep'em coming.

Btw, if u require tax consultation from the heavy donations that i percieve u might recieve, dont hesitate to ask the Wise One - for, he is also worldly-wise.

silverine said...

Arun: Thanks for the correction and for that I will forgive you for calling me "Anja Lee". And now... please wait no ship, take loan, pay me, ship comes repay. :|

Anon: News has just come in that Shyam Benegal and Satyajit Ray did a couple of somersaults in their grave after reading your comment! :| And I would love to see that scene where they drink chicken soup and with Chinese arrack and then fight like drunken monkeys lol!!

Janus: LOL!! Tellibly solly if I have offended you Sir! That was a very nice Chinese impression especially 'masha larts'.! =))

Id Lee: I am overwhelmed by the bowl of Chow Mein and the award. But to accept the awards you will have to appoint my friend Parikshit to be The Honorable Cleaner of the Imperial Toilets. It has been his life long desire! Thank you! :|
:))

Hammy: Thank you Kind Sir with a Knack with Words! :) Said brother does not share his sacred treasure with anyone. Last one who tried to borrow got a 180 degrees swirl kick. He is the black lamb chop of the family! :|

DPhatsez: Thank you for calling me Mega Biatch Villainess. I humbly accept your admiration. Do check out my film too, it’s titled DE Phat Sez Nomore! :|
:p

Kiran: lol! Thank you very much! :)

innocent bystander: Thank you dear! :)

Anon: Thank you very much!!! If you are a tax consultant then I am your best friend! :p Thanks for the comment! :)

hammy said...

Hmm... So covert operations and downright burglary is the only way to get things done, eh?

Have to hone in on my ninja skills... and trust me, that's particularly difficult when you had none to begin with.

Ashwathy said...

ROTFLMAO!!! first time at ur blog...
awesome stuff... great creativity! :D keep it coming!

- Sugar Cube - said...

OMG! This is excellent!

Destiny's child... said...

One of your longest posts? Had a whale of a time reading it...Sick of writing useless copy for a site for Kerala Tourism promotion, I came here for a break...All this while I had been writing about the rejuvenation therapies in Kerala...
Ah..i just read one post that was truly rejuvenating!...it was hilarious! keep writing!:)

silverine said...

Hammy: "that's particularly difficult when you had none to begin with." =))

Ashwathy: Thank you! :)

sugarcube: Thank you! What a lovely blog name!! :)

Destinys child: Thanks girl! That made my day! :)