Monday, June 08, 2009
Guinea Pig Chronicles
Guinea pig No 1*: What is this blue goo?
Me: It is grape soufflé!
GP No 1: Yum!
*I love my second elder bro sometimes. He eats anything I put in front of him.
Guinea Pig No 2: Before I eat this, would you please tell my Doctor to be on standby!
GP No 1: If you are not eating that, may I have it?
Me: It is not that fatty Dad!! If you are so bothered don’t eat the cheese topping.
GP No 1: Yes, slide it into my plate.
GP No 2: And what is inside the Lasagna?
Me: Beef mince Dad!
GP No 2: Hmmm that’s red meat no?
GP No 1: You are right Dad!! Let me scrape it off for you....into my plate.
GP No 2 (looking woebegone at his lasagna sheets): This looks so unappetizing.
GP No 1: If you are not having it, I will have it.
GP No 2: Well the doctor has said that I can have red meat occasionally...
GP No 1: You had beef just the other day!
GP No 2: That was a month back son!
GP No1: That was just four weeks back Dad!
GP No 2: Maybe I should pass...
GP No1 (helping himself): Thanks!
Guinea Pig No 3: What is this?
Me: Paneer Kofta Curry ma.
GP No 3: What is a kofta?
Me: It is a fried paneer ball.
GP No 3: Looks very oily!
Me: It is a bit rich.
GP No 3: And very salty!
Me: Tastes perfect to me.
GP No 3: Don’t serve your Dad, he needs to watch his diet.
Me: I don’t think a little will do any harm.
GP No 3: It’s too rich!
Me: Then don’t eat it.
GP No 3: I am offering constructive criticism here. Why are you getting angry?
Me: What do you know about North Indian food anyway to offer criticism Amma?
GP No 3 (airily): You don’t need to know a certain cuisine to comment on it. Experienced cooks like us know when something is wrong.
Me: I will not lose my temper, I will not lose my temper, I will not lose my temper!
GP No 3: And I think a pinch of sugar would have rounded off the taste nicely.
GP No 3: And you have put too much coriander.
GP No 3: And you should have shallow fried the koftas...
Me: 1001, 1002, 1003, 1004...
GP No 1: I do not care if it is salty or too oily…it is delicious!
GP No 3: That is because your stomach is a bottomless pit!!!
GP No 1: Are you having that kofta?
(And that’s why he is Guinea Pig No 1. Kapiche?)
Guinea Pig No 4: Who made this Biryani?
GP No 3: Your sister who else!!
GP No 4: It is heavenly!!!
GP No 3: You haven’t tasted it yet!
GP No 4: Doesn’t matter Amma. I know it will be good.
GP No 3: No one appreciates my cooking here!!
GP No 2: Your brothers think you are Julia Child.
GP No 3: They are used to good cooking that’s why!
GP No 2: Of course!! When you get tasteless beef fry and over spiced fish fry and bland fish curry day in and day out you will appreciate anything!
GP No 3: I am going to sleep hmmpphh!!
GP No 1: If you are not having your payasam may I have it?
( Guinea Pig No 4 err I mean my eldest brother is da greatest! )
And to conclude let me sum up the lesson for you all. Guinea pigs are very important creatures in the field of Culinary Science and R&D. Some are willing, some unwilling, some opinionated, some rebellious, but at the end of the day they are all guinea pigs. You just got to make them feel they are not.
May God speed this week. May the wind of a thousand typhoons blow it to weekend quickly! Amen.