Monday, June 08, 2009

Guinea Pig Chronicles

Guinea pig No 1*
: What is this blue goo?
Me: It is grape soufflé!
GP No 1: Yum!

*I love my second elder bro sometimes. He eats anything I put in front of him.

Guinea Pig No 2: Before I eat this, would you please tell my Doctor to be on standby!
GP No 1: If you are not eating that, may I have it?
Me: It is not that fatty Dad!! If you are so bothered don’t eat the cheese topping.
GP No 1: Yes, slide it into my plate.
GP No 2: And what is inside the Lasagna?
Me: Beef mince Dad!
GP No 2: Hmmm that’s red meat no?
GP No 1: You are right Dad!! Let me scrape it off for you....into my plate.
GP No 2 (looking woebegone at his lasagna sheets): This looks so unappetizing.
GP No 1: If you are not having it, I will have it.
GP No 2: Well the doctor has said that I can have red meat occasionally...
GP No 1: You had beef just the other day!
GP No 2: That was a month back son!
GP No1: That was just four weeks back Dad!
GP No 2: Maybe I should pass...
GP No1 (helping himself): Thanks!

Guinea Pig No 3: What is this?
Me: Paneer Kofta Curry ma.
GP No 3: What is a kofta?
Me: It is a fried paneer ball.
GP No 3: Looks very oily!
Me: It is a bit rich.
GP No 3: And very salty!
Me: Tastes perfect to me.
GP No 3: Don’t serve your Dad, he needs to watch his diet.
Me: I don’t think a little will do any harm.
GP No 3: It’s too rich!
Me: Then don’t eat it.
GP No 3: I am offering constructive criticism here. Why are you getting angry?
Me: What do you know about North Indian food anyway to offer criticism Amma?
GP No 3 (airily): You don’t need to know a certain cuisine to comment on it. Experienced cooks like us know when something is wrong.
Me: I will not lose my temper, I will not lose my temper, I will not lose my temper!
GP No 3: And I think a pinch of sugar would have rounded off the taste nicely.
Me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8….
GP No 3: And you have put too much coriander.
Me: 9,10,11,12,13,14…
GP No 3: And you should have shallow fried the koftas...
Me: 1001, 1002, 1003, 1004...
GP No 1: I do not care if it is salty or too oily…it is delicious!
GP No 3: That is because your stomach is a bottomless pit!!!
GP No 1: Are you having that kofta?

(And that’s why he is Guinea Pig No 1. Kapiche?)

Guinea Pig No 4: Who made this Biryani?
GP No 3: Your sister who else!!
GP No 4: It is heavenly!!!
GP No 3: You haven’t tasted it yet!
GP No 4: Doesn’t matter Amma. I know it will be good.
GP No 3: No one appreciates my cooking here!!
GP No 2: Your brothers think you are Julia Child.
GP No 3: They are used to good cooking that’s why!
GP No 2: Of course!! When you get tasteless beef fry and over spiced fish fry and bland fish curry day in and day out you will appreciate anything!
GP No 3: I am going to sleep hmmpphh!!
GP No 1: If you are not having your payasam may I have it?

( Guinea Pig No 4 err I mean my eldest brother is da greatest! )

And to conclude let me sum up the lesson for you all. Guinea pigs are very important creatures in the field of Culinary Science and R&D. Some are willing, some unwilling, some opinionated, some rebellious, but at the end of the day they are all guinea pigs. You just got to make them feel they are not.

May God speed this week. May the wind of a thousand typhoons blow it to weekend quickly! Amen.


Hari said...

OMG!! :-) It seems food goes well down your family line!!

You must be a glutton too, hmmm... :P

Dhanya said...

My Guinea pigs were my cousin bro n friends.. But unfortunately my pigs were not so kind to me.. See their comments here :

Abhi said...

Nice that you've someone at home to feed your mistakes er creativity :). My sis once got dad to have a milkshake in which she'd put in Masala powder(used for dosa) instead of horlicks. Dad had it with a gulp and appreciated her for her cooking skills and called up mom and told mom "NEVER ALLOW HER INSIDE THE KITCHEN". Since that day i've been spared of such experiments :)

Meril said...

LOL..hilarious!! I liked Guinea pig No 1! :-))

Gymnast said...

lol..hilarious, really. And wow, at the amount of things you know to make . My expertise stops at Maggi.

sandeep said...

guess i am more like GP #4, I appreciate my wife's experiments even before eating it! Did u actually see him eating the biriyani or did he managed to get away :)

Pramod Abraham said...

9,10,11,12,13,14… to
1001, 1002, 1003, 1004... OMG

I think ur counting to fast . Have Ur BP checked !!


mathew said...

hehe..hilarious..i so identify with Guinea Swine No 1!! ;-D

Thoorika said...

Hilarious! I have jus started my experiments!!!! My post on this topic will also follow soon :D

Sreejith said...

I'm the favorite guinea pig at my place. Lots of cooks have blossomed here(not due to their own culinary interests, but rather due to being duty-bound not to let me starve to death!!). My digestive system has strengthened(or developed a don't-care attitude!) to the point where it does not mind a chunk or two of steel :D

Hilarious as always!!

silverine said...

Hari: Maybe I am ;)

Dhanya: Very interesting read specially your struggle to eat veg!

Abhi: LOL!! That was really funny! :))Poor girl, you couldn't give her a second chance!

Meril: Thank you and he is not for sale unfortunately till I have become a good cook! :p

Gymnast: Thanks girl. I love to cook! :)

Sandeep: lol! That was mean. Big bro knows by experience that it will be good! :p

Pramod: Will do! :)

Mathew: lol! People like you are one in a million! :p

Thoorika: Waiting to read that girl. Do let me know when you post that! :)

Sreejith: Chunk or two of steel lol!! You are a hardened guinea pig I see! :))

skar said...

I am the president of the association People with Incorrigible Gluttony(PIG). I have even come up with a motto for PIG. It reads:
If its food
Its good.

p.s: There is a tough exam designed by me, which your bro has to clear if he wants to gain membership. It involves pineapple maggi and strawberry yoghurt rice.

p.p.s: Out of respect, all members of my association address me as PPIG. (that is, stress on the P)

Divs said...

i like the last line! really! :D

and i think guinea pig 1vis nice to be gobbling up everything! :P

Anurag said...

oh my god !!
i was a guinea pig just a few days ago... my cousin who got married last december was testing both her new microwave and her culinary abilities on me.. that is why she was so polite and nice to me...
what an eye opener post Anju Ji.. this place is going to be my "3rd place" as they say..
i hope you don't mind if an asinine guinea pig trespassing ...anyway they are harmless creatures..

thomas said...

You're the only sis of 4 bros? Boy! you must've been a really coddled and pampered lil child. No wonder how the evil was evolved. :P

Bullshee said...

Awwwwwwwwwww....they just deflated your poor old mum's cooking ego...Please make sure to make it right with some well-deserved compliments on her beef fry! Mum's cookings should never be dissed. When you don't get it, you realize how tasty it really was!!!

Your younger brother seems like someone to take to a buffet!!

Useless Bugger said...

You sound like a really adorable cook. The next time you make Paneer Kofta Curry, please invite me over.

P.S : How far is the nearest hospital from your place ? And whats that emergency number 108, 208??? :P

P.P.S : No, I really like paneer kofta.

Praveen said...

are these 'guinea pigs' alive...
am must be in some super speciality hospital by now :P

hammy said...

Guinea pig 1 sounds like my kind of pig. :D

Well, I may not have guinea pigs of the same quality that you seem blessed with, but then again, I have the advantage that very few people expect my cooking to be good in the first place.

So when I do serve them with stuff that aren't charred beyond recognition, marred with an entire pack of salt, or oiled like Sly, they are generally happy enough to certify the food as good.

To the best of my belief, ALL my guinea pigs have survived.

Shanu said...

LOl...reminds me of my experiments wit bro is my guinea pig..he surely can eat nethin!!

Deepti said...

This post took me to the land of de javu .. poor bro and dad eat almost whatever i dish out .. burnt charred etc etc ... mom comes up with serious constructive criticism ... almost leading to a war and i ahve to count to 100 ;)

Nasia said...

:) so u cook!

silverine said...

Divs: He is very nice as a guinea pig...only! :p

Anurag: lol! :))

thomman: Correction two elder brothers. The other two guinea pigs were mom and dad! :) And I am not evil but an angel personified! O:-)

Bullshee: Will rectify immediately Sir!! :) And he is my elder brother not younger. I have two elder bros.

Parikshith: Another guinea pig? Yippee!! Err I mean will def send out the invite :|

Praveen: No comments!And if I were you I would watch your back! :|

Hammy: lol!! You def have an advantage there hehe!! My guinea pigs are still alive..'still' being the keyword here! :p

Shanu: Welcome to the club of budding chefs girl! :)

Deepti: Behind every gal chef is a brother who is a glutton! :p

Nasia: Yes I do! Love to cook! :)