Sunday, May 17, 2009

The amateurs guide to rain making!

Are you fed up of dark skies, thunder and lightening and heavy winds with no sign of rains like us in this corner of Bangalore?

Are you fed up of the prolonged hot and humid weather with no respite which makes you feel hot and sweaty and icky?

Does the weather makes your hair frizzy and your face oily and make you look less attractive?

If you have answered in the affirmative to any one of the above question then I have just the remedy for you. The Silverine Rain Maker ™ is a tried and tested and ISI certified remedy that will make the tardy clouds let go of their precious cargo giving you relief from heat, humidity and oily skin within seconds. Follow these instructions carefully and you will soon be making rain like a professional and be the envy of the neighborhood.


1. Remove all the curtains, bed sheets, blankets, towels etc in your house and wash them nicely. Now hang them up to dry in the open.

Possibility of rain in 10 minutes - 97 %
Possibility of rain after they are nearly dry – 100%

2. Now take out all the heavy mattresses and Sofas from the house and put them out to air.

Possibility of rain – 98%
Possibility of a cloud burst – 100%

3. Throw a party in your garden or terrace. Make sure you do not hire any Shamiana or covering of any kind. Lay out the tables tastefully with table cloth and flower arrangements. Arrange an elaborate bar on one side of the lawn/terrace. Set the buffet table on the other side of the lawn/terrace.

Possibility of a rain before guests arrive – 95%.
Possibility of an electrical storm after all the guest have arrived - 100%

4. Organize a picnic for the family, friends or relatives in an area away from inhabitation like a remote lake or field.

Possibilities of rain before you start for the picnic spot - 98%.
Possibility of gusty winds, heavy rain, hailstones and lightening after you have reached the picnic spot and laid out the food- 100%

5. Cut Mangoes, Limes and other vegetables painstakingly for making pickles. Now mix the vegetables with salt and lay them out to dry on your terrace or front yard.

Possibility of rain - Instantaneous

6. Roll out a healthy batch of 500 to 1000 Pappadams/Appalams or any other savory crisps. Now lay them out 5 inches away from each other on newspapers to dry.

Possibility of rain when they are half dry- 98%
Possibility of rain when they are fully dry - 100%

7. Now go to the grocery store and buy one kilo Red Chillies, a kilo of Coriander seeds, a kilo of Jeera and a kilo of Turmeric or other spices. Now put them out on the terrace on newspaper or mats.

Possibility of a hurricane - 100%

8. Block all the drain pipes on your terrace with a cloth.

Possibility of a thunderstorm with cyclone warning – 101%

9. Go for a long walk with your dogs/BF/GF/ or anyone else.

Possibilities of rain after you are 500 meters from home - 0%
Possibilities of rain after you are a kilometer from home- 100%

10. Step out of the house in your best clothes or ordinary wear without your umbrella or rain coat.

Possibility of rain – Money back guranteed!!!

39 comments:

Sriram said...

YAAY! Gold!

ROFLMAO on reading this!! One good one after long! Btw, same situation here silvie... all that sitcky, non-rainy, cloudy stuff :(

Lemme take the chillies and pappad out :P

Kunjootty said...

heheh :-D my guess is one of the first three has happened to you today? well, am feeling a bit cool now as its raining cats and dogs out there now :->

Anonymous said...

I didn't have to do anything. It rains here when the skies darken. :-)

It's been raining for the last two hours or so.

--Hyde

Rex said...

Lemme guess- you did your spring cleaning, put chillies to dry on top of the mattresses and then decided to host a party on the terrace, all just before going out for a walk with the dog? :P
It's been pouring for hours!

Amal Bose said...

soo true.. couldnt agree with you more.
its sure to rain when we want them the least..
great post
In my Lineofsight


damsel in distress said...

ROFLMAO!!! god that was the funniest blog post i've ever read!! supercool!!!lemme guess..u tried out a few points yourself?? the last one is absolutely true..have tried it and was found failproof myself countless number of times..and yeah...its cloudy here(kochi,kerala) too..but it rained yesterday..hmm..i wonder which tormented soul experimented with ur remedies!!

had real fun reading this!!! still laughing!! good one!!!

Parikshith Kumar said...

Looks like your rainmaking remedy has found too many takers and proved to be an instant hit.

Its raining cats, dogs, squirrels and giraffes in Bangalore this evening.

mathew said...

well several years ago one family movie trip was spoiled coz of the beta version of this remedy...it wasnt ISI certified back then!!

no wonder the movie was..."mazhayethum munpe" :I

silverine said...

Sriram: Thank you! :) And don't forget to leave the umbrella at home! :p

Kunjooty: Even we had a decent spell of rain today after weeks of cloudiness. :)

Hyde: Lucky you!!

Rex: Yes...but over a period of time! :p

Amal: Thanks buddy! :)

damsel: Thank you dear! :)

Parikshit: It is raining like that everywhere but in our area! :(

Mathew: It is phully tried and tested and certified now. :p

Prats said...

ROFL!!! Nice one!!

ancientmariner said...

#1 and #2 works perfectly with a slight variation 'Take all your officewear and wash it all together and hang them out to dry in the sun' !!! Tried it today and it has been raining since in my part of Blore!!!! Gotta get some dry clothes for tomorrow now :(

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

Since too many amateurs seem to be inspired by your guide, before Bangalore submerges under the Indian ocean let me give a simple tip to stop/postpone the rains in tricky situations when you don't want to get wet:

Write the rain gods a cheque. They postpone it ;)

Gymnast said...

You missed out the most important one -

* Schedule wedding in monsoon due 2 unavoidable circumstances.
* Spend two months shopping for the perfect wedding attire - an expensive saree that trails the floor inspite of your high heels
* Put up a cloth shamiana.
* Invite everyone you know

RAIN GUARANTEED!!

Sreejith said...

Even BMTC buses work to this law.. Whenever I wanted to go to Majestic, there never used to be a dearth of Shivajinagar buses!!

Dhanush Gopinath said...

And as u posted, its pouring down. This Friday I came all drenched. But it was nice to get drenched :)

Jim said...

Looks like this puts us meteorologists out of work!

S said...

oooh...and how about when uve just washed your hair with expensive shampoo and conditioner...and blow dired it to fall beautifully on ur shoulders in soft curls, and head out for that perfect date? BAAAAAM...dust storm and then R-A-I-N

Abhilash said...

thats strange. i was thinking of putting up a similar post on stock market timing - they go up when i sell / short and they come crashing down when ive laid out every penny into positions :x

But hey, we've been having a lot of good weather (rains) in TN last 2 days and I had a fairly large batch of clothes wet back friday night :)

Indyeah said...

ROFL!!This is awesome!:D:D

*noting down all the points furiously*
so rain is guaranteed this way?
or one can sue? :D:P


PS:-plsss send a lil of the rain here :(((
New Delhi to be precise :(((
sob!!!!

Amey said...

My addition:

Go for some chores minus umbrella/jacket, thinking your house is within running distance if anything happens.

Chance of rain when you are half way there: 90%
Chance of rain when you step out of the shop to get back, laden with bags: 100%

Alyosha said...

I thought, it only happens with me. …my dress, rice, dog, kappa, chakka, manga, thenga, and everything of the house in the sun. Wow! You relieved me...i am not the 'chosen one', my genes could be just normal!

I can exactly predict rain now..shear experience.

If you clean your bike, shine the tank, see your cheese on the headlight hood, polish each cylinder fin (more effective if it is a RD350). Wear white socks and canvas shoes…..a lead-kindly-light sprout inside you to just raise your bottom and pick up your sis/gf in Kormangala (just like that! once in a year)… on way your bike gets a glance from the petrol vendor first... then at you….it would rain exactly when you reach Shivajinagar….and in Kormangala….she may refuse to recognize you or she would escape with an auto driver! And worst her friend (on whom you may have a little soft corner) would murmur into her ears about sighting a new road romeo:l...leaving you to wish a song on your lips loud, ..."I wish it would rain down, down on me....now".....(courtesy Phil Collins)

You are caught up in traffic…your bladder seems like it is half empty…you are inconveniently civic and your house is twenty five traffic signals away.

Your mother is in full saree-setup on an intelligence gathering mission to your headmistress and you ignore her repeated insistence of you taking her St george kuda. It would pour just as the culprit is leaving heavy after the full interrogation… right at the door and right in front of a possessed-teacher!!!!.

Damn it! it is all about timing...and weirdly i remember my mother teaching me as a baby..she says, "God is always watching you, my son!"...........

Abraham Menacherry said...

Wow!! you sound very extremely frustrated with climate conditions...:)

If Mr. Murphy hadn't invented his laws, you could most probably have taken a patent, wrote a book and made tons of money...:)

Quest said...

The dark skies in tuticorin is made up by the exhausts from the power plant and by my industrial company :D
The welding in the constructions comes near to the real lightning ;)

And when either of the two stops running even for a few hours real rain cloud gathers to shower down in just under a few hours ....

Local warming phenomena :D


Quest

Biju said...

Maybe you want to register and patent "Silverine laws of rain making". I am certain you had a bitter experience off late with the rain. :-)

I need some laws to stop the rain over here :-(

Aniquez de los mil luces said...

Loved the post. :D

In school days it was also the following case:

Call all your friends to reach the field for a game of cricket.
Possiblity of rain: 95%

After you have done the toss and arrnged the field: 100%

:D :D

hammy said...

Ah, the old Indian Rain Dance orchestrations simply won't compare.

It is well known that the rain gods seem to have it out for humans. But, as I have often documented, Zeus, the god of rain somehow has a personal vendetta on me. What I have done to enrage him so, I do not understand. But the sinister events documented here and here clearly elevates my concern from a mere paranoia to the real deal.

Zeus has been resting for a while, but he has recently started his unwarranted, cowardly attacks in ways too sinister to describe right now. I'm choked up, you see.

Anyway, the rain is not going to go away just like that. There are plans. It's an invasion. Ours not to reason why. Ours but to drench in the puddle of gooey mud and mumble idle curses while Zeus chuckles himself to sleep.

Iyer Studies said...

how about walk out with something that stops working as soon as it gets wet (laptop, phone, calculator etc)

probability of rains: 100%
probability of the thing being in working condition: 0%

silverine said...

Prats: Thanks buddy! :)

ancientmariner: lol! The rains will never fail you! :p

Kartghik: And I bet you are their treasurer! :))

Gymnast: Yes, I did miss out weddings. I have to many a rain drenched weddings! :)

Sreejith: Very true!

Dhanush: I know...and when it starts pouring we start grumbling about the drain overflows and road blocks! :p

Jim: Blame Murphy! :)

Abhilash: lol! I have heard many people say the same but they are mostly people who do not know how to invest hehe! :)

S: Yesss!! Me been a victim too!

Indyeah: Wish I could send some there as it pours woes when it starts raining here.

Amey: It never fails does it!!!

Aloysha: My brother would agree with you with some vehemence here...specially the polishing the bike bit! :)

Abraham: It was threatening to rain for some time making it very humid. But now its pouring!

Quest: Deadly! Sounds like a movie script! :)

Biju: Murphy beat me to it! :)

Aniquez: I remember during school days...when we had the hated PT class it never rained other times it just poured! :(

Hammy: Zeus doesn't like me too. Or he takes a lot of pleasure in troubling people like me. :(

Iyer: Bingo! :)

Binny V A said...

We have a very simple way of achieving this. Just leave home without an umbrella. Works every time.

I'll try out the other tips you pointed out later. By the way, any tips to keep the rain from coming. Power tends to fail when it rains here.

Safari Al said...

And if I do not do all this will it stop raining at odd times???

Or do I have to mentally will myself to do all this and then give the rain gods a kela by making someone from office call to fix an 'urgent problem' so that I do not do any of the above mentioned activities, thereby preventing it from actually raining?

Actually, I am confused myself. Let me find a raincoat instead.

:)

Asterix said...

...make you look less attractive? Been feeling that for quite a few years now!

Good one.

MYSTERY OF MY SPIRIT said...

Awesome !! Its always surprising how you put down the points that we always knew and still feels fresh !!
What an imagination madamji

Xavier sir said...

That gave thunder and lightning laughter ..Well those who feel lazy to do even these physical involvements in rain making .Try this
Switch on your TV and if the Climatology news part stresses no Rain today ....Possiblity of rain: 101%

ramya said...

errr remote lake?Bangalore ..?enid blytony?

DPhatsez said...

evide poyaalum mazhayude shalyam aanallo! :)

'Rain Rain go away'

silverine said...

Binny: Tips to stop rain from coming - Do not water your plants in the hope it will rain. Never fails! :p

Safari al: lol! :)

Asterix: LOL!! Good one about not feeling attractive lately!

Mystery of spirit: Thank you buddy! :) Appreciate your kind words.

Xavier: Very true! :)

Ramya: Sound like that I admit! :p

Dphat: It is a nuisance when it rumbles but doesn't rain! :)

Anita :) said...

Hi Anjali, I have read all your blog posts, starting from the ones you wrote in 2005 :)I like each and every one of them, and I'm an ardent admirer of your style of writing and sense of humour. :)Creatively brilliant :)

silverine said...

Anita: Many thanks!! :)

Akhil S Behl said...

Manipulating Murphy.. eh? :)