Sunday, December 06, 2009

Soap opera

Gone are the days, when you rushed to malls and supermarkets during festival season to grab those super bargains. Take one get two free, purchase goods worth a thousand rupees and get a kilo sugar free etc. were the deals that attracted shoppers by the drove. Nowadays the supermarkets are always having some kind of offers or the other. The soap manufacturers seem to be the most prolific lot when it comes to giving freebies to their customers. Here are some of the year long offers that adorn Bangalore's supermarket shelves.

25% soap free. No extra charges – This does not mean that the manufacturer is in a generous mood. This usually means that he has to get rid of the excess soap mixture in his plant and trying to pass it off as washing liquid in Angola was unsuccessful.

Buy one get one free – This means, the manufacturer is over his head with unsold soap. There is soap every where. If he doesn't get rid of it, he will have to close down his factory and make it a temporary warehouse for the soap!

Buy a talcum powder and get a soap free - Manufacturer is undaunted by your disinterest. He is going to offload the soap onto you one way or the other, whether you like it or not.

Buy soap and get a talcum powder free - Talcum powder manufacturer is onto his game and wants his share of the moolah to get rid of his soap.

Buy a pack of six and pay for five - This usually means that above plans were a dismal failure and he got caught trying to dump soap into the sea and is now paying hafta to the SI of the cute little police station near the sea.

Buy a pack of soap and win a vacation – No takers for the soap yet and manufacturer is at his wits end. He tried to give it free to impoverished nations in Africa, who threw it right back at him. He is now dumping soap in landfills to escape warehouse charges.

Buy a pack of six soaps and get a chance to win a date with a celebrity – Manufacturer has done some quick calculations and realized that spending 50 K on a dinner is better then paying fines for polluting the environment in Uganda, Ghana and Botswana.

And then there are offers on fruit juices and sodas too. Now don’t get me started on those!

16 comments:

phoenix said...

LOL!! Good one. That covers the juices and sodas as well I think! :-P

Destiny's child... said...

The manufacturers know how to get rid of their stuff and you sure know how to find humour even in things like the sale of soaps. Good one :)

anishthomas said...

Hehe good one. Recently i saw an add in a Levis showroom....Like they are providing EMI facility for there products ...funny guys .....

Arun said...

Vote for this blog and win a chance to date An-Jolie

http://www.indibloggies.org/poll-2008

Prats said...

ROFL!!! Good one :-) Blasting of the Marketers bread and butter you doing a great job.

Susa said...

Ah, so finally someone has revealed to us that shady world that is the dumping of soaps in Africa..

hammy said...

Damn. So you're on to the scheme of things. I knew I should have upped the ante when I gave those suggestions to Unilever...

Well, there's always phase 2. Let's see you tackle the next stage of SDTs - soap disposal tactics..

1. Free soap for watching soap - Soap operas are definitely gaining prominence among the I-don't-have-a-life audience, which makes up a whopping share of 75% of the demographic

2. You see it, you've bought it - In a daring extension of "You break it, you've bought it" school of mass sales, this philosophy would take care of any excess stock with the shopkeeper. The suggested method would be to give the customer a guided tour of the facility, ending in an abrupt turn, where he comes face to face with... a huge wall of stacked soap products. And in an ingenious twist, the shopkeeper should also have a policy of getting 'busy' at the time. This means that the customers will have to put the soap into the shopping cart themselves... And as soon as they put the first batch of soap in the tray, what do they see? The next layer of soap, hooyah!!

3. Free home delivery - This is an important strategy. Even if the customer orders for one bar of soap, offer to have it delivered to her home free of cost, and subsequently, have an 'error' in the system... "Oh, you meant one bar of soap, and not two goddamn crates of soap powder, eh? I see. Let me put you on hold while I connect you to the complaints department... <--BEEP--> You are in queue... You are in queue... YOu are in queue... Why are you still holding on? You are in queue ... ..."

4. And if point 3 is viable, why not extend that strategy? Dump a crate of soap powder in the front porch of any random house, go ring the doorbell, and... RUN... No, no sales pitch, no negotiations, no trail back to identify which store you represent. Just run. And don't stop to smell the roses. Simple, yet effective.

5. Let's tackle the larger picture... If you ever get truckloads of crappy stuff and don't know what to do with it, what would you do? Exactly! Sell it to the army. Convince them about the negative polluting elements that go into your product and sell them as weapons. Yes! It's time to throw away all those lies you cooked up for the marketing phase and just pitch in with both hands in. "Just try loading up your tank with the Ultra White... Put in half a box, aim at the enemy and fire. Sure, this is not going to wipe out Pakistan or the Taliban, but dammit if they don't get squeaky clean by the end..."

The other strategies are... let's say confidential...

Aniket said...

They never have such offers on Pani Puries. Eat two plates and get one plate free! Now I'd love that one!

"Mad Over Donuts" has this buy three get one free offer. I am volunteering to not have the world covered in donuts by eating them. At least you should step up and do the same for soaps.

And then they wonder how I gained so much weight so quickly. Ahh, the sacrifices I make...

Santhosh P said...

Thought provoking indeed. I now officially declare you as a ‘person capable of writing management books’. The title of your first book could be “Buy talcum powder before you bathe”(rhymes with “Hatch your chicken before you die”, a book considered as the best management book ever written – considered by it's author I mean).

“Buy soap, get gold coins” ; Ever thought the rationale? Because it’s easy to sell by fooling people than by product quality.

RGB said...

Ah...that was a good one. And just like soaps, there are these brands of apparels following the dumping scheme in much the same way...something I saw recently, BUY 2 GET 8! Which means, even if you just wanted to buy 1, you would end up buying 8 (whether u like it or not) at a price that you never intended to spend...PHEW!!!

Chandni.. said...

you should see the uncategorized market.. soaps, shampoos, lotions, talcum powders, detergents.. they sell like crazy.. and people actually buy them.. thats hilarious...

Asha said...

After reading this,I think I have to go back to our traditional way of bathing. Payarupodi and kadalamaavu:)
And asap I need to tell my mom to stop her calculation from supermarket.She used to do compare all the brands "with offer" and takes the one which is having the best offer with a look of satisfaction in her face:)

Aditya said...

lol just stumbled uopn this blog and boy, i did enjoy this post. You sure got a talktent of tickling the right funny bone :)

dsk said...

You didnt mention the best offer -

BUY BABY FOOD, GET A BABY FREE...

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSwuwkhNVI8&feature=related

silverine said...

Phoenix: Same ol story! Thanks girl! :)

DP: Thank you!! :)

Anish: lol! I saw that too. Thats recession persuasion for you!

Arun: Tell me the truth, how much are you charging people for this? :|

Prats: Thanks buddy!

Hammy: lol! You are a pro. So we owe our woes to you yeah? Watch your back! :|

Aniket: You are right!! Why dont they have such offers for food?

Santhosh: LOL!! Book idea is good! And very true about 'easy to sell by fooling people than by product quality'.

RGB: haha that was extreme. Buy 8? Man...the marketing people must be desperate!!

Chandni: hmm true!

Asha: Ah! I use kadalamaavu only for my face. Never use soap! :) People like your mom keep the market moving gal! Do not stop her! :))

Aditya: Welcome to my blog and thank you! :)

Anon: This is an old one!