Monday, November 09, 2009

Recruiting for dummies

Dear HR Manager of my company,

While we appreciate your untiring work in recruiting the best talents for the company, we feel that you are falling short in a critical area of assessment of prospective employees. We i.e. me and my team members have put together, for your benefit (and ours) an extension of tests that you must use before finalizing any candidate.

Test No 1:

Invite the candidates to a hearty meal to the 8th floor cafeteria. Meal expenses will be paid for by my team. After the meal, please examine the dining table. Give spot offer letter to those who ate without spilling most of their food in the table and around the table and on neighbor’s laps, shirts, wall and the neighboring buildings. For people who spilled food all over the place, tear up their resume, laugh at them derisively and throw them off the cafeteria terrace. Preferably from the side above the pool.

Test No 2:

Give each candidate a phone and give them an hour free time to talk to anyone they want. People who talk with their voices lowered should be given their offer letters immediately. The ones who talk loud, specially to equally jobless friends about their pimples, BF/GF, Landlord, Cousins marriage/divorce/pregnancy, in laws, pregnancy stretch marks, lack of hair on head, excess hair on body, pedicure, manicure and liposuction they did or did not etc. should be hit on the head with the handset till they run out of the door. Do instruct the Security people to give them a final ass whooping before they are let out of the main gate.

Test No 3:

Make the prospective candidates use the toilet and evaluate the toilet after usage. Give offer letters to people who leave the toilet clean. Those who leave the toilet unclean must be slapped about and hosed down with the Fire Hose and then pushed out of the nearest exhaust fan window.

There is no need to thank us. It is understood that you are now over whelmed and eternally grateful for our suggestions. Please note that failure to comply with these tests will results in grievous bodily injury to your new joinees. Thank you for your cooperation.

Sd/-

Silverine and others.

28 comments:

Sajesh said...

totally.. toilet test is a must. chumma wasting my energy on cursing those shitheads!

Amey said...

Nice guide for Recruiting the dummies, for the dummies, by the... not dummies (?).

Kartik said...

Haha - This is darn good! I say, this is a must-implement in every company! :-)

Anup said...

Totally agree, often wonder from where some of these people come from.

Nona said...

Are you sure you got the priority of the test correct? Should "Test No 1" be on the top of the list? I think the other two are far more disturbing than Test No 1!

Captain Haddock said...

"..hrow them off the cafeteria terrace. Preferably from the side above the pool. "

--> You have kind heart.... :)

S said...

phone test should be done before annual appraisal for existing employees too...atleast that way ppl wont play hideous ringtones at top volume!! why doesnt the junta get it?!! are they not aware of the 'silent' mode in their phones? goddammit!!! even in the meetings!! i feel like ripping off their heads with my bare hands!! AAAAAAAAAAAA....b-r-e-a-t-h-e...

Mohammed Anis said...

i totally agree with this recruiting test.
I m Waiting to see when all company should be starting this type of test
It sound Great

Anonymous said...

u wouldn't want to miss this lovely poem.

http://shruthibaskaran.blogspot.com/2009/11/this-day.html

RGB said...

There are couple more things to add...like trashing waste in bin / on the floor, dumping food waste in the washbasin / in trash can...and other basic etiquettes & manners that most of them appear to lack / forget when in the workplace! Enjoyed reading your suggestions to the HR! Hope my HR will read it too!

Destiny's child... said...

hahaha....May be I msut make our HR read this too..:D

Grayquill said...

You missed your calling. It is becoming increasingly evident your true gift would be a directorship of a large HR department. I cannot believe the company you work for missed something so clear. This alone proves your company is totally messed up and is not worthy of the wisdom you have to offer. In fact I can see your present employer as having little hope for long term viability. Therefore, I suggest you start sharpening your resume up. This post would be an excellent cover letter.

Anonymous said...

maybe u could use test1 to make them ready for test3!

Archana said...

I am so glad to see that there are other people also who feels that there are a hell of a lot of boors being recruited by their HR. My office seems to be full of them and it had reached such a point where I was beginning to wonder if they were ok and I had OCD. Good post and methinks i shall forward the same to my HR also with your permission.

anishthomas said...

Hehe ...guess should follow this process in most of the concerns :)

especially those idiotic mobile conversations are irritating

Aniket said...

Wise words as always. Though am a food spiller. (Hangs his head in shame)

But I always spill on myself and that too it'll always be a tiny winy piece. My friends just wait for it to happen. When I don't they feel its a bad omen! Go figure.

The Holy Lama said...

Surrounded by morons, are you?

Parikshith Kumar said...

If this is the case, then it looks like I will never be able to gain employment in your company.

* Sob *

No wait.. err... let me explain. Hey where are you going, wait err...:-)

silverine said...

Sajesh: Same here,chumma cursing wonly! :(

Amey: I was hoping no one would notice that. :|

Kartik: Absolutely, or give them training in behaving with more sensitivity towards their colleagues.

Anup: And if they have parents at all!!

Nona: The test are not shown in any order! You can give any first. :p

Captain: Thank you! :|

S: Girl do not get me started $%#^%!!b-r-e-a-t-h-e...silverine b-r-e-a-t-h-e...

Anup: Good to see more of my ilk buddy! Lets kill them all!

Anon: Will check it out!

RGB: That too!! Please send this to your HR! :p

Destiny's Child: You do that girl and see her recoil in horror. She has been told to retain people, not piss them off! :p

Anon: Ewwww!

Archana: Glad to hear that girl, for sometime I thought I had OCD!!

Anish: Thats the general consensus these days!

Aniket: You comment at the last post had me laughing! :)) And that is a creative excuse for spilling food hehe!

The Holy Lama: Yes O Holy One. Make them disappear pleeease!

Parikshith: Who are you? And what are you doing at my blog? Shoo! Pest!!!
:p

vigneshjvn said...

Well if they fail these tests, they should probably be sent out of this world. Or back to day care centres, which to me seems the only place where they tolerate this nonsense.

claytonia vices said...

ROTFL!!

When you said, "Preferably from the side above the pool." I thought you would follow that with, 'The pool should be empty of course'. But you did not!!! When did you become so non-violent? ;)

silverine said...

@people whose comments did not publish: Terribly sorry again! Blogger has been a bad boy lately. :(

gayathri-vishwanathan said...

I liked the toilet test, i will tell my HR to take these tests...thanks for the wonderful idea

Rohit said...

Aha..very innovative and potentialy effective tests indeed!..Esp the toilet test..hope somebody concerned would seriously take these in to consideration...

silverine said...

Grayquill: You are right. I am a genius!! :|

Vignesh: You drilled down to it pretty quickly. Day care Center is the word I was looking for!!

Claytinia vices: The pool is empty and filled with stuff. :| How could you doubt my character? *sob*

gayatri: Jokes aside this issue needs to be tackled by HR people in earnest!

Rohit: I join you in praying that it will!!

Philip said...

Toilet test is a must. Reason enough for instant rejection. All job interviews are toilet tests in a way, considering that all you do is crap during one..

Rajlakshmi said...

Lolzzz.. Exactly and the toilet part is most amusing ... Loved ur take.

Shrutzz said...

I had a good laugh!!!!