Dear HR Manager of my company,
While we appreciate your untiring work in recruiting the best talents for the company, we feel that you are falling short in a critical area of assessment of prospective employees. We i.e. me and my team members have put together, for your benefit (and ours) an extension of tests that you must use before finalizing any candidate.
Test No 1:
Invite the candidates to a hearty meal to the 8th floor cafeteria. Meal expenses will be paid for by my team. After the meal, please examine the dining table. Give spot offer letter to those who ate without spilling most of their food in the table and around the table and on neighbor’s laps, shirts, wall and the neighboring buildings. For people who spilled food all over the place, tear up their resume, laugh at them derisively and throw them off the cafeteria terrace. Preferably from the side above the pool.
Test No 2:
Give each candidate a phone and give them an hour free time to talk to anyone they want. People who talk with their voices lowered should be given their offer letters immediately. The ones who talk loud, specially to equally jobless friends about their pimples, BF/GF, Landlord, Cousins marriage/divorce/pregnancy, in laws, pregnancy stretch marks, lack of hair on head, excess hair on body, pedicure, manicure and liposuction they did or did not etc. should be hit on the head with the handset till they run out of the door. Do instruct the Security people to give them a final ass whooping before they are let out of the main gate.
Test No 3:
Make the prospective candidates use the toilet and evaluate the toilet after usage. Give offer letters to people who leave the toilet clean. Those who leave the toilet unclean must be slapped about and hosed down with the Fire Hose and then pushed out of the nearest exhaust fan window.
There is no need to thank us. It is understood that you are now over whelmed and eternally grateful for our suggestions. Please note that failure to comply with these tests will results in grievous bodily injury to your new joinees. Thank you for your cooperation.
Silverine and others.