Sunday, September 02, 2007

Feasting and fasting...

Hola peoples, hope you all had a nice festive time with Rakshabandhan and Onam (Malayalam translation -“the festival of putting on much weight”) And now after the festivities and merry making lets get back to business i.e. working out the calories that you have put on due to the Onasadhya. So all of you get off your backside and get moving in the general direction of a gym or read this post. Of course moiself have no worries in the weight department and, so I will with great sadistic pleasure advice people who have to lose their Onam hangovers...especially around the waist. This can be done swiftly and painfully by Liposuction or slowly and painfully by starvation. Either you way you will have a tough time tra la la la la

I do not know much about Rakshabandhan. But I was persuaded by my North Indian colleagues to tie Rakhi on my brother’s hands. My eldest bro gave me a thousand rupees with the rider that I "invest” it. I did invest it…in a couple of Madeleine Lipsticks :) (and that in girl terms is a very good investment indeed hummph!!).

My second bro absolutely refused to let me tie anything on his hand that will have an adverse effect on his purse. He did let me tie the Rakhi finally after I threatened him with dire consequences ( shudhdh vegetarian food on Sundays). He gave me a perfume that even my maid refused to touch (and this is the lady who thinks ‘pine scented phenyl’ is sexy!! brrr). I have now put it up for sale. Buy the perfume and get a perfume remover absolutely FREE!!! So far no takers :(

Any ways I realized that Rakhi tying is fun and profitable. I wanted to tie Rakhi to my Dad too, but the gentleman declined politely. According to him “Fatherhood is killing enough!” hmm I wonder what he meant by that.

Anyway Onam a.k.a “long queues outside Kerala State Beverages Corporation Limited”, is our harvest festival. It is the day we give thanks to the Gods and Goddesses that despite great odds facing our agriculturists like "trade unions" the farmers managed to deliver the crops to the market and to your table without giving too much "nokku koolie".

Legend has it that King Mahabali who ruled over Kerala was a highly popular King. There were many rave parties and drinking binges during his time. Earth had become a happening place and there were no takers for the heavens. "Let the good times roll" was the official State motto. This made the residents of heaven a bit uptight (constant diet of milk and honey does that) and they decided to put the lid on the partying and merry making by banishing Mahabali to the Netherworld a.k.a. the land of no booze. Mahabali was however allowed one day respite from an eternity of prohibition and allowed to return to Kerala and it is on the day that he returns to the land of the coconuts a.k.a. Kerala, that we celebrate Onam. As you can see, we the Malayalees were a 24/7 partying crowd in the good 'ol days.

Anyways we are digressing again folks. The real purpose of this post is to get all you people back into shape after the countless Onasadhya helpings that you people indulged in. Given below is the easy to follow Silverine Miracle Diet ®. Seven steps to a healthier and slimmer you in just a few hours!!! Don’t believe me? Try it out

1. Water: Water is very good for your body. It fills you up, revs up your metabolism and washes away all the impurities in your body. So as of today you shall drink a lot of water till you are running, sprinting, dashing in the general direction of the toilet. (Warning: People with weak bladders should not attempt this exercise) Please don’t cheat by shifting your workstation to the toilet.

2. Fibre: Fibre is essential while dieting and one needs to include plenty of fibre as the body needs a lot of calories to digest fibre. On an empty stomach, go to your nearest vegetable shop and buy 10 kilos of Cucumber. Wash, peel, and chop into 1cm by 1 cm cubes, and throw it away. Do this six times a day.

3. Sensible eating: Eat simple and nutritious meals like a glass of water in the morning, two in the afternoon and another two in the night. If you still feel hungry, buy yourself a large slice of Black Forest cake, a hot cup of Cappuccino and a plate of Mutton Biryani and throw it into the dustbin. You deserve it for putting on weight.


4. Total body Cleansing: Cut off a 1’x 1’ piece of your blanket. Now boil it in approximately two cups of Dettol for two hours till tender and eat while it is still hot. You will puke till your guts are on the floor. Guaranteed weight loss of at least two kilos in a day. I will not be responsible for the Intravenous that may cause you to put back all that you have lost. So go to a hospital at your own risk.

5. Exercise: Get yourself a snazzy exercise gear and get up early in the morning at say 4:30 am. Now take a bath and get into the snazzy exercise gear and go back to sleep. You will be so tired because you got up a 4:30 am that you would keep dozing at work and swear never to overeat again. Repeat everyday till I tell you to stop.

6. Walking: Walking is an effective way of exercise. Walking away from the cafeteria till you can walk no more will help you lose more weight than a good one hour in the gym. So start walking.

7. Eat lite: Low calorie meals are the order of the day. So clear out the Chocolates, Ice Creams, Sweets, and Pastries etc from the fridge. Now pack them in neat containers and send them over to my house.

Remember the key to success in dieting is following the above formula without skipping a day. Happy dieting!!

p.s Guru Dakshina in the form of self control ( by my students) while commenting will be highly appreciated.

35 comments:

Praveen said...

happy onam silverine.. hope you had a great onam :).. will take your miracle diet into consideration to get back into shape :)

mathew said...

From the Doc herself..The world famous diet guru..or gurunee..

Onam (Malayalam translation -“the festival of putting on much weight”) ROTFL..awesome post as always.. :-)

But all those who dont want to take this diet..take solace in the fact that..

A tummy is a good hand rest esp in movie house when the nearby guy is using the ones in your either sides..

A full blown tummy is good recliner for books esp when you are travelling..it can reduce the additional energy you spend in holding the book using hands..

The obese tummy can help reducing internal injuries in madhya pradesh of your body esp kindey's and other assorted organs..the impacts will never get there..

Anonymous said...

Great post as always!

@mathew ~ LOL!

Alexis said...

Excellent post. I don't know how you crank up these ideas... Terrific...

I am still ROTFL and that will reduce the weight if not the miracle diet.

And Mathew that was fantastic. I feel much better after reading your comment.

titto said...

kollallo
:)
happy onam
note : the google search button exceeds the size,may be u have to use a different adsense code

Vishnu said...

Maveli naadu vazhneedum kaalam, maanushar ellaarum onnu pole...

I guess your diet plan will literally make that true again... LOL

An enjoyable post... Hope you had a great Onam...

ToOothlEss WOndeR! said...

totally loved the onam bit. :)

krish said...

how do u get such wonderful ideas about things???
wonderful post as usual. went ROFL with the 4th step.
i'd say the first and most effective step to reduce cals should be to read ur posts daily... ROFL must definitely burn out cals!!!

പെരിങ്ങോടന്‍ said...

This made the residents of heaven a bit uptight (constant diet of milk and honey does that) and they decided to ..

Haha I was looking for better reason to go along with my Freehold-visa in the Hell. I think I got one now ;)

Browser said...

I tried idea no.1. Looks like I've been poisoned by all the pesticides and insecticide in the water. Help... I'm choking..... gasp.. gasp.... gaaaaassssppp... thud

Sachin R K said...

The one para description of Onam was hilarious :)))

Ajith said...

Is there any opposite set of advice available ? i.e, 'how to put on wt' ? No matter whatever I eat, I'm as slim as I can get :)

Jithesh said...

Happy Onam! Well I also told my north indian friend about the real meaning of Onam while we were passing through an "ANGREZI SHARAB KI SARKARI DOOKHAN" in delhi.
BTW, wanna write a testimonial for the Silverine Miracle Diet ® ?

?bLeAk?!! said...

Me been dieting hard..
i suppose your tips will help me lose the last one inch for a six pack...

go girl..
if only all those male models hungry for that '300' look were to read this itd be a revelation..

wanderlust said...

that was a excellent take on our age old "Onam story".
How I envy you, Ajith and all those who look like reeds ad still can dump all this sinful delicacies without any guilt.

silverine said...

Praveen: Happy Onam to you too :) You appear like Mahabali...once a year :))

mathew: lol!! First time I hearing the advantages of a beer belly!

Anon: Thanks :)

Annie: Thanks girl! :)

Alexis:Thank you :) And tch tch don't think I didn't see your attempt to wriggle out of the tag. You are still tagged!! :P

titto: Thank you :)

vishnu: :))

toothless wonder: Thank you :)

krish: Thanks dear :)

peringodan:You better hold on to that visa. Heaven
is a boring place :p

browser: LOL!! I like your "spirit"! :p

sachin: Thank you :)

Ajith: Join the club :)

jitesh: "ANGREZI SHARAB KI SARKARI DOOKHAN" LOL!!
A testimonial is appreciated since most of my followers have met the same fate as Browser :p

bleak: Attaboy!! You will reach there...dead or alive!!! :p

wanderlust: Thank you dear :)

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

"Onam:The festival of putting on much weight"-how true, i've gained 3 kgs in the last weekend! Instead of ripping muscles i now have ripping seams of my pants :(

Onam a.k.a “long queues outside Kerala State Beverages Corporation Limited”-Loved this one too!

The diet is awesome! Just that i wish there was a human who'd dare to follow this and still be alive at the end of the week!

ROTFL..awesome post as always.. :-)

Fleiger said...

Ahem... Culture Lesson...
Rakhabandhan is also the same day in Maharastra as Narali-pournima. Supposedly the last day of monsoon season, this is the day fishermen start to go out in the sea again, after "appeasing" and "thanking in anticipation" the sea with a coconut ("naral" in marathi).

So, on this day, we are supposed to eat sweets with coconut in it. I must say, many sisters use this opportunity to "sweeten" the brothers admirably. ;)

ap said...

Ahem!!!!

I would have taken to this diet,hadnt mathew posted the benefits of having a tummy....

Jithu said...

when i went home for onam, a lelam happened at the local club who had put a miniscule athapoo as part of their onam celebs. the commodity up for the lelam was a pint of local foreign liquor. well someone grabbed it for 4500 bucks at the end, on an incremental lelam though! the onam spirit they say!

nice post!

Arun said...

All ideas look fantastic.. have you tried opening a clinic yet? You can mint big time money with so many fatties around in the country. When you become rich, just remember me and send me some money for the idea..

PS: I wl not take any responsibility for law suites!

the rain tree said...

ROFL.

Everytime i read ur blog i scare the ppl around with my uncontrolled laugh. guess its time to send the url to my manager before i get punished.

Haas said...

Lol... well written, I shall pass those suggestions onto my frien... er.. enemies :P

Santoz said...

Perfume Remover ? LOL

someone should invent that, i would give me to a lady who joins me to office in the cab :-) I faint for one and half hours thanks to her :-)

Nice as ever....

Regards
Santoz...

Ashu said...

Tremendous.........yeppie onam!!!

Cheers

Ashu(ashusdiary.blogspot.com)

Adorable Pancreas said...

That was awesome! But then mathew said stuff about 'advantges of having large abdominal girth' and I just had to add this. Remember Phoebe (from friends, duh!) putting a bowl on her tummy and eating from it while she was pregnant with the triplets? You don't need to be prganant with triplets to do that. Quadruplets will work just as well. In fact they're superior to triplets. Get pregnant with quadruplets today! men, you need to drink lots of beer to get a passable beer belly, but there are no guarantees that it will work as well. Women can do this after giving birth to triplets(or more).

silverine said...

Abhi: Thanks buddy :)

fleiger: That was really interesting! So mumbai will now have a respite from monsoons? ;)

AP: tch tch that Mathew should be prosecuted for promoting obesity, especially in Guru Silverines blog!!!
:P

jithu: Nice to see you here :)
"local foreign liquor" LOL!!!
Whoever bought that for 4500/- bucks must have been in really high 'spirits' :))

arun: What an awesome idea!! But currently I am doing this free and under a pen name :p

the rain tree: Thank you dear :)

haas: You got it right I see :p

santoz: You know there are so many people who would like to get a bottle of perfume remover :))

ashu: Thank you :)

adorable pancreas: And with that advice you join the elite rank of people like Mathew whom I am gonna ban from my blog for anti health activities :))

p.s Don't worry about the comment :)

Anonymous said...

You are an awesome blogger!! All my friends read your blog. Keep writing.

Friends from CET Tvm !!!!!

Sriganesh Murthi said...

Lovely portrayal of the legend of the Bali. :-)

This made the residents of heaven a bit uptight (constant diet of milk and honey does that)

:-D... perhaps vamana wan't an avatar after all... vishnu would have bloated after drinking all the beer that was present in Kerala...

shruti said...

Am really curious now ..what exactly do u get to eat in the sandhya....imagination is running loose ..and thats not helping my diet plans any bit

Mind Curry said...

oh my!!!!!!! you stole my blanket-dettol recipe!! :) hilariousss..

Venkatesh A.R. said...

"Now pack them in neat containers and send them over to my house." - nice way of advicing ppl to reduce their weight!! ROTFL..
teach me how u get such crazy and funny ideas!!! :-)

Fleiger said...

Well, let's put it this way... Mumbaikars may get fresh fish now ;)

Pointblank said...

Lol Lol Lol!

PK said...

I have started the exercise routine. Now tell me when to stop???

LOL...as always!