Feasting and fasting...

Hola peoples, hope you all had a nice festive time with Rakshabandhan and Onam (Malayalam translation -“the festival of putting on much weight”) And now after the festivities and merry making lets get back to business i.e. working out the calories that you have put on due to the Onasadhya. So all of you get off your backside and get moving in the general direction of a gym or read this post. Of course moiself have no worries in the weight department and, so I will with great sadistic pleasure advice people who have to lose their Onam hangovers...especially around the waist. This can be done swiftly and painfully by Liposuction or slowly and painfully by starvation. Either you way you will have a tough time tra la la la la

I do not know much about Rakshabandhan. But I was persuaded by my North Indian colleagues to tie Rakhi on my brother’s hands. My eldest bro gave me a thousand rupees with the rider that I "invest” it. I did invest it…in a couple of Madeleine Lipsticks :) (and that in girl terms is a very good investment indeed hummph!!).

My second bro absolutely refused to let me tie anything on his hand that will have an adverse effect on his purse. He did let me tie the Rakhi finally after I threatened him with dire consequences ( shudhdh vegetarian food on Sundays). He gave me a perfume that even my maid refused to touch (and this is the lady who thinks ‘pine scented phenyl’ is sexy!! brrr). I have now put it up for sale. Buy the perfume and get a perfume remover absolutely FREE!!! So far no takers :(

Any ways I realized that Rakhi tying is fun and profitable. I wanted to tie Rakhi to my Dad too, but the gentleman declined politely. According to him “Fatherhood is killing enough!” hmm I wonder what he meant by that.

Anyway Onam a.k.a “long queues outside Kerala State Beverages Corporation Limited”, is our harvest festival. It is the day we give thanks to the Gods and Goddesses that despite great odds facing our agriculturists like "trade unions" the farmers managed to deliver the crops to the market and to your table without giving too much "nokku koolie".

Legend has it that King Mahabali who ruled over Kerala was a highly popular King. There were many rave parties and drinking binges during his time. Earth had become a happening place and there were no takers for the heavens. "Let the good times roll" was the official State motto. This made the residents of heaven a bit uptight (constant diet of milk and honey does that) and they decided to put the lid on the partying and merry making by banishing Mahabali to the Netherworld a.k.a. the land of no booze. Mahabali was however allowed one day respite from an eternity of prohibition and allowed to return to Kerala and it is on the day that he returns to the land of the coconuts a.k.a. Kerala, that we celebrate Onam. As you can see, we the Malayalees were a 24/7 partying crowd in the good 'ol days.

Anyways we are digressing again folks. The real purpose of this post is to get all you people back into shape after the countless Onasadhya helpings that you people indulged in. Given below is the easy to follow Silverine Miracle Diet ®. Seven steps to a healthier and slimmer you in just a few hours!!! Don’t believe me? Try it out

1. Water: Water is very good for your body. It fills you up, revs up your metabolism and washes away all the impurities in your body. So as of today you shall drink a lot of water till you are running, sprinting, dashing in the general direction of the toilet. (Warning: People with weak bladders should not attempt this exercise) Please don’t cheat by shifting your workstation to the toilet.

2. Fibre: Fibre is essential while dieting and one needs to include plenty of fibre as the body needs a lot of calories to digest fibre. On an empty stomach, go to your nearest vegetable shop and buy 10 kilos of Cucumber. Wash, peel, and chop into 1cm by 1 cm cubes, and throw it away. Do this six times a day.

3. Sensible eating: Eat simple and nutritious meals like a glass of water in the morning, two in the afternoon and another two in the night. If you still feel hungry, buy yourself a large slice of Black Forest cake, a hot cup of Cappuccino and a plate of Mutton Biryani and throw it into the dustbin. You deserve it for putting on weight.


4. Total body Cleansing: Cut off a 1’x 1’ piece of your blanket. Now boil it in approximately two cups of Dettol for two hours till tender and eat while it is still hot. You will puke till your guts are on the floor. Guaranteed weight loss of at least two kilos in a day. I will not be responsible for the Intravenous that may cause you to put back all that you have lost. So go to a hospital at your own risk.

5. Exercise: Get yourself a snazzy exercise gear and get up early in the morning at say 4:30 am. Now take a bath and get into the snazzy exercise gear and go back to sleep. You will be so tired because you got up a 4:30 am that you would keep dozing at work and swear never to overeat again. Repeat everyday till I tell you to stop.

6. Walking: Walking is an effective way of exercise. Walking away from the cafeteria till you can walk no more will help you lose more weight than a good one hour in the gym. So start walking.

7. Eat lite: Low calorie meals are the order of the day. So clear out the Chocolates, Ice Creams, Sweets, and Pastries etc from the fridge. Now pack them in neat containers and send them over to my house.

Remember the key to success in dieting is following the above formula without skipping a day. Happy dieting!!

p.s Guru Dakshina in the form of self control ( by my students) while commenting will be highly appreciated.