Thursday, October 15, 2009

Oh My God!

There is this species of people I hate to loathing. They are the overly religious types that take the name of God in vain at the drop of a hat.

I was able to cross the road today. Thanks to Jesus I was safe.

I almost forgot to take my house key. But Jesus reminded me.

I was thrashed and swindled by my cousin. But Jesus will reward me for turning the other cheek.

A woman should stick on to her husband even if he kicks her, beats her, rapes her and takes her money. That is Gods way of testing her moral strength.

Got robbed? That is Gods way to remind you that you should go for Mass and pray to him to keep you safe.

Like God is an insurance agent!!

Ahem My name is God. May I speak to you for a minute?
#$%@!! No!
Suite yourself. But you do not know what you are missing!
What do you mean?

If you take my Heavenly Gold Cover Policy:

1. I will protect you in times of minor distress. This requires a premium of one Mass every week only.

2. For middle to larger distresses, you will have to pay a premium of three Rosaries everyday besides three conversions every week.

3. For Lifetime coverage you need to pay a premium of one Mass, three rosaries, one prayer meeting and one Bible thumping err preaching session everyday and also read the fine print about turning the other cheek AND following the Ten Commandment!

Anyways I got my revenge against one such repulsive creature err relative when she dropped in home with her brand new son-in-law.

Aundy: You know my son-in-law Johnny is such a religious boy!
Mom: That’s nice!
Aundy: Yes! He says the rosary everyday and goes for Mass everyday. And in the night, before he sleeps he reads the Bible.
Mom: That is such a nice habit Elsie!
Aundy: On their wedding night, he insisted on reading the Bible before errm I mean, he never misses the Bible before bedtime.
Me: Before what?
Aundy: Never mind!
Me: He read the Bible before what Aundy?
Aundy: Leelamme! Your daughter is getting too big for her boots!!
Mom: What to do Elsie! Today’s kids are incorrigible. Ignore her. ROTFL!!
Aundy: Hmmph! We have to leave!
Mom (wiping tears from her eyes) : Ha ha ha!I mean, bye! Ha ha ha!

For once!!! My mom laughed at my joke. Alleluia! It is a miracle! There is a God after all!

40 comments:

Mind Curry said...

its all in the genes :) awesome!

its true though, especially mallu christians do this all the time! anything you say or do that they dont like will surely invite the wrath of God and you are going to hell.

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

Me: Before what?
Aundy: Never mind!
Me: He read the Bible before what Aundy?
Karthik(interjecting): Before laying the groundwork for taking out a life insurance policy. No Aundy?

p.s: God as an insurance agent is a clever and interesting way to put it. It immediately bring to the fore the problem of monopolies because each insurer (the gods of various religions) has a separate domain. People will benefit most by bringing in competition amongst the gods by turning multireligious so that if Ganesha wants 108 coconuts for a promotion and Christ wants only 10 minutes of prayer, they must worship Christ for promotions, and if Christ wants you read the rosary everyday and make a conversion once a week in order to get a bungalow whereas allah wants only that you say the namaz once a week on fridays then we worship allah for bungalows. This competition will maximise the well-being of individuals by forcing the gods to cut gains and seek premiums just enough to cover their costs while offering maximum benefit to subscribers in order to increase or retain their customer base!

Ms Taggart said...

You are laughing at a poor religious Aunty? Please say 100 Hail Mary's.. :P

Arun said...

Enjoyed it, An-Jolie.
Could not resist reading the conversation part a second time, including those Malayalam lines which I don't get.

vigneshjvn said...

By God's goodwill I've been able to leave the first comment on this post! LOL! Never really had an overdose of religion, it is utterly amusing from the third person's perspective. Great post (continuing with your apple picking post, seems to me you're on a roll)!

Anita :) said...

I also laughed very much at that :) Not the first time , but the n-th time :-)

blunt edges said...

ur mom doesn't laugh at ur jokes??? make her read ur blog!!! :D

kochuthresiamma p .j said...

would've loved to hear 'aundy's' comments after she left your place:-)
good post, but l'd rather leave judgement to the extra terrestial! on these issues at least.
but of course, when Bible is quoted to tip matters in man's favour, female intervention in imperative - one thing i always make it a point to do.

scorpiogenius said...

Silverine, one species I can't stand are these over-religious souls who never gives a moment of peace for the poor God who is already accused of creating mankind. They probably turn out selfish, non-compassionate, and untrustworthy because probably they feel they have God on their side as a barrister.

And as for the wedding night, I think this would proabably happen. ;) Before start and after end, I hope they'll leave Him alone during...

ഹാഫ് കള്ളന്‍ said...

THANK GOD !

Sajesh said...

@scorpiogenius: :D i am sorry i couldnt stop myself from laughing from your last comment.. that called for a comment!

but i dont think they will spare Him during... also! oh god oh god..

The Blue Indian said...

Oh My GOD! Poor Aundy! What must be she going through now! Jesus Christ!!!

(OK, I could fr only these many "God" words in one comment!)

Destiny's child... said...

Haha! What a way to silence someone! :D
Why in the name of God do they drag God into every trivial thing?

Either, Aundy's son tells Aundy everything, else...er...may be she peeped in...:p

Grayquill said...

These Christian type bless their souls are so heavenly minded they are no earthly good at times. I have ran into way to many religious types like you have described. I think I have been one myself a time or two. At long last I think I am learning that doing some good deed to earn favor with God is worthless. How can one do anything that would impress him enough to earn his favor – Hey tape your helmet His is God. It would be nice if we could say I did this or I did that therefore God owes me – HA! I don’t think God owes us anything - I think we are the creation and He is the creator. All favor from Him is pure undeserved favor.
I love your post!

- Sugar Cube - said...

lol haha =)

indiashoes said...

LOL! awesome.

Iyer Studies said...

reading bible before erm... i think there must have been a book called "Wedding Night for Dummies" hidden inside that bible..

Prats said...

Can't Believe you did that :-)

RGB said...

Like Destiny's Child said it, Aundy is either the Peeping Tom or the Priest for Confessions - S-I-L so religiously opened up to Aundy, eh?!

Captain Haddock said...

Leelamme...wish you too get a religious son-in-law...
Sd/-
God

Small Talk said...

My roomie is Clan head of the overtly religious types....thts an understatement....
For very thing and anything she would say..."Issba Kadavule Praise the Lord..Jesus Christ.. Kingdom of Lord Glory in heaven..."
I mean she says this long phrase atleast 10 times in an hour....
Poor me ...hs to tolerate this torture day in and day out....
Her weekend plans mostly are attending prayer meetings and visiting retreat centres !!!

sweelie said...

hehehee... awesome!!! in the name of God :)

☥ ѕωαмι ηανєєη said...

lols ..... hallelujah :P

anishthomas said...

I don't think there is nothing wrong in that.As far as they don't distrub others,it is not an issue.But anyways it is written in bible that "pray and give thanks to god in a closed room "....something like that,don't rember the exact verse.

Before what? .... LMAO... yeahhh before what , even i'm curious :)....u should have considered her age atleast girl :D...lol...poor aunty

thomas said...

The Medusa strikes again! Pardon me for the ignorance silverine, but he read the Bible before what?? ;) Aah, the perils of being a good little angel......unlike you, of course ;)

Rajlakshmi said...

ROFL... he actually read bible before.... err.. :P
God surely must be bored by doing all the insurance work... :P and for taking credit for al the nonsense happening round us... :D

n i t i n said...

hah! suppa!!

shail said...

God as insurance agent! Kalakki!

Thoorika said...

Sigh you are lucky! I wish I can have someone to have my revenge!

Biju said...

Kollaaam! Uggran! It is not only among christians but with other faiths as well. :-)

hammy said...

Hey, ho, silver, and away. Sorry. I kinda liked the Lone Ranger. Anyway, I've been away for a while, but I'll definitely catch up to speed as soon as I can. :D

I've often noticed that the more religious someone gets, the more hypocritical they are. I'm terrified of devout Christians... or devout followers of any religion for that matter. Cos as the devoutness increases, the willingness to discuss meaningfully kinda reduces steeply. And that just freaks the hell out of me.

Add to that they feel superior and judgmental. Even when they say they're trying to pray to the lord for your forgiveness, they have the "Oh, I'm gonna go to heaven - hallelujah, and this sucker's going to hell" attitude. And that gets particularly annoying when you are friends with people of various religions. They chat, talk, hug, and eat together, but somewhere in their minds, there's the thought that "Hell, I'm better than them".

And it's amusing when Christians come to me asking me to be a better Christian. It's like "Hey, you pray to my God, sure, but if you don't do the rest of the things I do, well, you're gonna end up in the slum area of heaven, while I'll live it up in a palace with angels serving my every whim."

My faith is kinda simplified... and condensed. If you live a good life, you get good things. Otherwise, you don't. Any God who says otherwise I simply don't believe in.

I'm also tickled pink when disaster survivors say stuff like "Wow. I survived. God must have some plan for me." I usually think "Oh, really? So God thought you were somehow better than the 234 people who died in that accident?" - When people praise God for something random, they don't seem to realize that they're insulting the ones who were not that lucky.

silverine said...

MC: Not only mallu xians now the very sane Xians from other states are also following suit!

Karthik: That is exactly what is happening nowadays. Religion is about want and fear. Gods are boon machines and people to be feared incase they get angry and do not help you with your material wants. No one uses religion for spiritual needs anymore.

Ms Tagart: :) Thats exactly the response aunty would have given!

Vignesh: You are lucky to escape the overdose! :)

Anita: Its funny and annoying isnt it? :p

KPJ: You pointed out a much ignored point here. i.e tip matters in man's favor by quoting the Bible.

Scorpiogenius: God is used as barrister, ATM, Doctor and what not! Poor God!

Half Kallam: :)

Sajesh: LOL!!

The Blue indian: hehe you got that right! :p

Destiny's child: I think daughter would have emntioned the Bible reading. Aundy used it to illustrate a point putting her foot in the mouth in the process. Thats why my mom laughed! :)

Grayquill: You are absolutely right. Wish Christians realised this!

Sugar cube: :)

indian shoes: Thank you! :)

Iyer studies: lol!! I guess that must be it! Clever Son In Law :p

Prats: I did!!! I am so fed up of these people! :)

RGB: See my answer to destiny's child! :)

captain Haddock: The lady is also fed of the religious types. So I am safe!!! :)

Small talk: I so know what you are going thru. I have a colleague like that too!

Sweelie: Exactly! Gods name their game!

Swami: Alleluia indeed!

Anish: Christianity is a shadow of its true self nowadays.

Thomas: Didn't you know I was also clueless and that is why I asked her the question fellow angel! :|

Rajlakshmi: True! :)

nitin: Thanks dude!

Shail: Thats seems to be his new designation! :)

Thoorika: When the timing is right go for the kill! :)

Biju: Thats news to me!

hammy: You said it buddy! You have covered everything so well!

vivek said...

God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.

Bill Watterson

That was in the Cheeky Quote box. :)

Amol Naik said...

PHANTSTIC....!! Aunju Aundy ;)

Aniket said...

I too hate those who can't have a conversation without the mention of god. From evolution to ejaculation, they put him everywhere.

Then again, since I've already sold my soul to the devil, I might be biased.

Am sure the kind of person aundy was describing him to be, he'd have done little more than singing carols.

PS: No one in your distant relatives know you blog, do they? Leave alone what you blog! Jesus, if only they knew.... :D :D :D

silverine said...

Vivek: Good one! I am also very far behind! :)

Aniket: lol!! That carol thingy was really funny! :)) btw I just saw your boycott notice and realised that I have seriously compromised my friendship with the Bra-therhood! Thousand apologies! Wont happen again. :(
I made them delete the scene *evil grin* :p

Balachandran V said...

I join your Mom!! :D, :D ! And you hit the bullseye - God in the insurance salesman - of the insurance company owned by churches and temples and mosques and Amma and Acha and Baba and Baby face....

Karthiksn said...

Totally funny but looking at the date of the post reminds of someone I know who got married to a johnny sometime before this. :P

PS: He wasnt a mallu though.

Ezee123 said...

I wrote a comment but I guess the gremlins got it.

Was saying - since when have Mallus evolved to laugh at themselves ?
Did I miss something while I was there in Kerala for so many years.

Or is it only the NRK mallus who have this great sense of humor ~;-)

silverine said...

Bala: Thank you for dropping by! :)

Karthik: I never use real names in my posts! :)

Ezee123: :D No comments!