Minding my (bad) language...

Time and again I have people commenting at my blog (albeit ‘anonymously’), about my atrocious English, horrendous spellings and mortifying punctuating skills. Well I have never claimed that I was good in English have I? In fact this blog is a celebration of ‘English Language Underdogginess’!!! It is an affirmation that we, the poorly skilled in English, can also have our badly spelled and punctuated word heard.

Did I tell you that I barely passed English in school and college? I guess not. Well I did pass, but it had nothing to do with my knowledge of the language. I am sure I passed due to God smiling kindly at me (specially during English exams), pleased with my gentle, caring, loving, adorable, endearing, truthful, thoughtful, humble etc etc etc nature. ( My mother begs to disagree about this though.) Don't believe me? See for yourself!

11th Standard: The evaluator was an extremely kind lady. She actually cried when she read my essay in which I wrote about my unemployed Dad and my maid servant mom, who washes dishes in 31 houses to put me through college and English tuitions.

12th Standard: The evaluator was sick. She felt worse when she saw my paper. She gave me passing marks so that she didn't have to go through the horror of reading the entire paper.

First year BA: The evaluator was crossing the road and was hit by a scooterist. She was hospitalized and they had to rush in the Hindi evaluator to do the corrections. I got 99% this year. In the remarks column she wrote: Vary gud. Ek dum pass!!

Second year BA: The evaluator slept off and I copied from my Punju buddy Natasha. Natasha failed. I passed. She had submitted my paper by mistake. She never sat next to me again.

Third year BA: The evaluator had an enormous inferiority complex. When he saw my paper he felt so good that he passed me. He was also cured of his inferiority complex forever.


And thus peoples, pliss to forgive me poor English and give encouraging words like “You are the greatest blogger Silverine” etc so that I keep writing and do not get discouraged and develop really low self esteem and other conditions I cannot spell.

Emotionally Yours!

Flash News!!

New Delhi: European aircraft maker Airbus Industrie is in talks with flag carrier Air India for sale of up to 12 super jumbo A-380 planes according to this Yahoo news. At a joint press conference in the capital, (where this reporter was debarred from attending, but she attended anyways by threatening to write a blog about Air India's service), attended by the COO of Airbus and The President of Air India, the Airbus CEO said that "we are hoping to close the deal as soon as we can before the world runs out of aviation fuel err I mean we are hoping to close this deal so that we can deliver the aircrafts as soon as we can."

The long range aircraft can enable an airline to fly to Delhi-Los Angles or Delhi-New York non-stop. The Airbus COO said he was considering Air India’s customization request and hoped to see the customized A-380 in Indian skies in the near future.

Speaking on the occasion the AI President said, that Air India will only accept aircrafts that are customized to its special requirements. When quizzed by the Press about the customization required by Air India, the AI President elaborated that to begin with, all its Airbus A-380’s will carry a multi specialty Geriatric hospital for its old stewards and stewardesses with complex medical, functional and psychosocial problems. This is to ensure that accurate diagnosis and appropriate treatment is given so that the AI cabin Crew, who will all be in their 80’s when the aircrafts are delivered, do not have to endure long lengths of stay in acute care.

The AI President said that the airline's goal is to prevent disability and restore its geriatric cabin crew to their highest possible level of independent functioning. This statement was greeted with thunderous applause by the AI Union members who left the bar to give the President a standing applause. After which they promptly went back to the bar and filling their bags with liquor, ice containers, bottle openers, peanuts, napkins etc. The bar tender said that this was the usual practice with AI staff and they were prepared for this eventuality. He didn’t elaborate how.

Secondly, the AI President said that the aisles of the customized aircraft will be at least 36 inches between objects so that its geriatric Air Hostesses and Stewards can easily navigate their wheelchairs or walkers.

Thirdly Aircraft lights will have plenty of options so that older eyes are not strained. The toilets will also be customised with rubber suction-grip mats to prevent slipping and grab bars on toilet wall to help with getting in or out of the toilet easier and safer for the geriatric crew.

Further, the aircraft galley will have a seated work area for food preparation tasks with close access to galley equipment so that AI's geriatric cabin crews have a comfortable work location.

Cabin Crew seats will provide good back support and special geriatric cushioning for comfort and the cushions will be securely fitted to the chair.

The customized Air India A-380 will provide adequate, easily accessible storage that doesn't require reaching, bending or straining by its senior cabin crew.

Firm yet comfortable beds with easy onto and off access with appropriate support and comfort will ensure that the senior staff will have a comfortable sleep during flights.

Passengers will be provided all their meal requirements in a sack while boarding so that they do not disturb the cabin crew too much.

And finally, the AI President said that all passengers desirous of traveling in the Air India A 380, will have to go through a six weeks intensive training at the Air India Institute of Graduate Certification in Geriatric Care Management.

Breaking news!!!

News has just come in that in one of the worst cases of poisoning caused by the consumption of illicit liquor, 400 Air India staffers were hospitalized in Delhi. Many who were in hospital have now been discharged, but they would probably suffer from side effects including an aversion to free liquor and possibly even a life time loss of taste for free peanuts. Watch this space for more news.

Corporate Correctness

Most of us have a ready-made e-mail signature in our mail application that saves us the time of signing each and every outgoing e-mail. Especially these days when we send umpteen mails in a day. Almost everyone has a favorite quote too, as a part of their e-mail signatures. As the Marketing and Communications person of my team, I am invariably cc’ed in many mails and I get to see some brilliant exchanges due to these ready made signatures. Here is an exchange that took place today. The email sign off is in blue font. The quotes in maroon font.


Dear Mohan,

Where is the Solutions Brochure??? I am fed up of reminding you and your lame excuses. I would like to cancel this order!!!!

Warm regards,

Sanjay

“One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.’


Dear Sanjay,

I have told you countless number of times that if you ask for a change at the last minute, it would delay the whole printing process. Why don’t you read your mails for gods sakes???

Have a nice day, take care...,

Brjesh

"For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness."


Brijesh and Sanjay,

I am appalled that the Brochures are yet to be delivered. My client will kill me. I am escalating this to the big boss!!!!! Silverine FYI

I remain yours truly…

Karthik

“Tolerance is giving to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself.”


Dear Karthik,

I suggest getting into the details of a case and not jumping the gun before ascertaining the facts and escalating matters.

Silverine FYI!!!!

My sincere thanks for your time and consideration,

Jayant

“Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it.”

While these heated exchanges are going on I can be seen doubled over my desk, laughing my guts off. My boss thinks I have the right work attitude and predicts that I will go far with this kind of a mindset. Of course I will, as I am in no hurry to point out to the stars of this ‘exchange’ how entertaining err I mean “corporately correct” is their emails.

How to co habit with your Finance Department and survive

Time and again I have people writing in, especially freshers, asking me for tips to avoid the common pitfalls freshers normally face in the corporate world. Some people have even suggested that I should give due mention to other departments too and not concentrate on HR, Facilities and Sysadmins only. I understand dear friends and apologize for the cruel oversight. And to show you that I mean well, today I shall take you on a tour of one of the most important departments in your organization, a department that is very dear to my heart and where I spend a lot of my time….The Finance Department!

If you are 'financials' challenged...like me, and quicken your pace when you pass the Finance department.... like me, and duck at the sight of the FM... like me and dream of pushing your accountant down the stairs...like me, then this tutorial is just the thing for you.

Given below are some terminologies with their meanings that will make your corporate life much easier and increase your chances of not picking up that gun and opening fire after blocking all exits of the finance department.

Proforma invoice: This is a bill that comes before the actual bill. It is not the actual bill but will be considered as a bill if the bill comes later.

The invoice: The invoice is the actual Bill, which the Proforma Invoice represented. But since it cannot be invoiced before the Proforma invoice it will be invoiced after the Proforma invoice. (see how easy it is no?)

Invoice (another definition): Same as above except for the small difference that it will be misplaced by the finance dept, so that you have to ask the Invoicer to make another Invoice to replace the “Invoice (another definition)”

Debit note: aaarrrghh... err I mean I am yet to delve into this properly. Will do so soon after I have finished by final "Clinical Depression" therapy at NIMHANS.

Debit note (another def): Same as "Invoice (another definition)" Replace 'Invoice" with 'Debit note'.

Cheque: According to a web definition, this is a negotiable instrument instructing your bank to pay your vendor. I am yet to see one. I would love to see one. Perhaps I will see one before I die. I am the eternal optimist.

Funds: An imaginary figure like fairies and elves that do not exist. "We do not have funds” is the motto of the finance department.

Advance: A non-existent word in the dictionary of FM's and Accountants. For academic interest it is half the amount of the Invoice that has to be paid in advance to your vendor (as per agreement that was approved by the FM himself) so that he can start work. People who believe in fairies and elves tend to believe in the existence of "advance" too. They are mostly found in mental institutions, sitting in the Psychiatrist's waiting room...with me.

Take home salary: A 1% amount of the figure promised to you when you got your job.

Income Tax: Very easy to calculate. Just reduce 30% from the 1% amount of the figure promised to you when you got your job.

Bill: A very sacred document that you must guard with your life unless you plan to pay for the amount mentioned in it yourself.

The bill (another definition): Guess you get the drift by now...

PAN No. : A number that you must ensure your Invoicer mentions when he invoices you or you may have to endure "Invoice (another definition)"

Account No.: Ditto as above.

PAN no (another definition): This is 'your' PAN number that you have give once when you join the office but hence forth have to give periodically, like once in two days, as the finance dept has an extremely short memory. In fact they have a very short memory for everything except 'collections'.

Collections: Money you have to claim back from various parties with whom you have undertaken joint marketing initiatives. My FM has very generously given me the option of deducting the same from my salary so that he doesn’t have to harass me and I am free to chase the "collectees" and collect the "collections". Such a nice man!

TDS (Tax Deducted at Source): An amount that will be deducted from the Invoice that will have your Invoicer a nice shade of blue in the face.

Reminders: Something that you do a lot like once every hour, so that "Invoice (another definition)" doesn’t happen.

Accountant: The guy who is mostly responsible for "Invoice (another definition)".

Copying machine: Something you learn to operate with the efficiency of an expert as you spend considerable amount of your time with it, copying Proforma, Invoices, Bills to avoid "Invoice (another definition)”.

Discount: A word that you use for every Invoice you submit for payment. Always remember that the Invoice amount is "after discounts". This makes FM's strangely very happy. Use liberally. If he is in a good mood he may even release your payment in a record-breaking speed of 6789 days. 6788 days if he is in a really really good mood.

FM: A very poor man.

Vendor: A very sad man.

The finance dept: The place to avoid if you have a fully loaded gun in your hands.

The FM's office: A place where you spend a half of your productive hours unproductively.

That’s it folks!! Hope the lesson was useful. Please note by vendors I mean, your event managers, ad agency, gift vendors etc.

Next edition, The HR Department oops I mean “Product Managers”

Much ado about somethings

PG Rating: Very very very very long post.

“Update Java and get Open Office Free” says a bubble above the Java Update button in my Windows task bar. “Free Open Office ????" Am I missing something here, like has Freeware become “Paidware”? In which case Microsoft must be doubled over with laughter tears streaming down their face going “hahahahahahahaha Copycats!!! Gotcha again!!!!!!”

Tsk tsk

I press the download button. I half expected Windows XP to pop up a bubble that says “Nahiiiiiin!!! But nothing of that sort happened. Well something did happen, like it playfully tried to kill Java by hanging the system a couple of times. But after a couple of rebooting it sort of got the message that I was going to download the Java Update anyway. Java happily downloaded itself while it educated me that “Java is found everywhere” and that I was so lucky to get it (!!!) (Note to self: Find out what is Java and why is it downloading onto my PC?)

Now readers might detect a faint animosity towards Open Office in my posts. Well it is true that I hate Open Office. (Allow me a moment to pat myself on the back for hiding my animosity so well).

Now I am no Microsoft fan. I don’t care if MS Windows and MS Office were made by Pyarelal Ghanshyamdas Popatlal and Sons. Really!!! The name or the brand does not matter. I am too used to MS Office and I found Open Office and Thunderbird a pain to deal with for the six months I used it.

For people who are foaming in the mouth at the very mention of the word “Microsoft” let me in consideration of your feelings and sentiments use a totally harmless pseudonym “Bill Gates Office and Bill Gates Outlook” to avoid you all from dying of dehydration. I am sure ‘Bill Gates’ is a safe enough pseudonym to use for MS, for the benefit of all Open Office/ Thunderbird lovers who read my posts written on MS Word and sent home using MS Outlook so that I can post it from my home PC which has Windows XP. The precaution is to keep my Sysadmin from finding out that it was me who wrote about him in this post which someone kindly forwarded to him. Of course I am not scared of him or anything remotely like that. But the specter of the Syssie replacing my sleek HP laptop with an old rickety Toshiba Tecra M3 Laptop is the stuff my nightmares are made up of. *shudder*

Let me explain why I like some of the applications from Mr Bill Gates.

For starters, I have every chore that needs to be done, saved on the BG Outlook calendar. So every 5 minutes I get a pop up window telling me that I was supposed to wish my friend a very Happy Birthday fourteen days ago. This is when I reach for the bottom drawer of my table and nonchalantly pull out the bundle of “Belated Happy Birthday” cards, sign one with a flourish and send it to the mail room for dispatch. See how useful it is?????

And then the S + facility or the facility to send a “Meeting Request” and block people’s calendar is something I swear by. It is something my Boss also swears by and right now he is swearing very fluently. I am now sitting in the Ladies Toilet with my lappie. Of course it is not because I am blogging from office silly!! I am furiously canceling all the meeting requests I had sent to my Boss blocking his calendar which made him miss his grandchild’s naming ceremony, his sons wedding, his wife’s mother’s funeral and a summons from the court for a traffic violation. Such is the power the “Meeting Request” option in Bill Gates Outlook. See how convenient it is???

(..and if you are wondering why I am sitting in the toilet, it is because my Boss is a thorough gentleman you see. He will never enter the ladies toilet no matter what I have done. And you guessed right...I do spend a considerable amount of time in here )

Ever tried the ‘Bill Gates Live Meeting’? I do it all the time…and I get the same result... “Please download Live Meeting” Now after downloading Live Meeting, you sign in and enter the meeting area which is actually a small window that pops up on your monitor. You can see a screen and a small box with seating arrangements. Your name will automatically get added to one of the seats and you can see the meeting moderator’s cursor moving back and forth on the screen.

You can see people typing questions chumma just like that. The moderator ignores the questions because psssst methinks the questions are technically inferior and insults his intelligence. It is when the moderator calls me on my office land line and shrieks “Anju why aren’t you answering my questions???” that he realizes that no one has audio. After an unsuccessful attempt by all of us to configure the audio you will see the moderator desperately typing on the screen “This meeting is adjourned so that we can set up a conference call via Tata Indicom so that everyone can hear me during the Live Meeting” *sigh* err I mean see how hi tech meeting have become because of BG!!!!

And psssssst before I sign off let me tell you about the immense possibilities of another feature in BG Outlook 2007. Something I use with great effect. Did you know you can send a “Confidential Mail” that needs signature verification for the recipient to open and read the same? Heh heh think of the possibilities!!! Send you arch enemy a series of mails that he is not authorized to open with an intriguing ‘Subject’ and see him tearing his hair out in frustration when he cannot open the mail. He will of course be BCC’ed and the mail will of course be blank. Muahahahahah Of course it doesn’t matter that you will be tearing your hair out in frustration in the next cubicle when your system reboots for the 724^th time while you try to open their “Confidential” reply. But see how secure the system is ????

And lastly let me end this rather long post by promising solemnly, that if I win that 'Open Office', I will award it to the 'anti BG' person who foamed the least in the mouth while reading this post. God promise!

Weekend blues

There are those days when all goes well and even God seems to be taking a nap from his 24/7 vigil of the Universe, especially of the troublesome beings on planet Earth. Those are the days when you settle into the comfortable routine of bliss, bliss and more bliss …you forget the tough days and sometimes even *gasp* grumble about the uneventful pace of you life. And then wham!!! God wakes up and realizes to his horror that his people have become too complacent and fiddles with the buttons and knobs on his heavenly console to put the fear of God in us again.

I was having a really nice Saturday yesterday, my third nice Saturday in a row when my grandma’s youngest sister dropped in.


Ammachi: Why are you home? You don’t have a job?

Me: Today is Saturday ammachi. It is a non working day.

Ammachi: *snort* I never heard such a thing before!! Young people like you should be working and not resting at your age.

Me: No you don’t understand…

Ammachi: Where is your brother working now?

Me: Same company ammachi.

Ammachi: And Molly’s son Vincent?

Me: Infosys

Ammachi: In... fo...????

Me: Infosys!!

Ammachi: What?

Me: In....fo....sy......is

Ammachi: *grumble* What a name!! And Benny?

Me: Accenture!

Ammachi: Huh?

Me: Ack…sen… chur!

Ammachi: *blank expression*

Me (patiently): That’s a company ammachi!

Ammachi: hmm

Me: I gotta go now ammachi...

Ammachi (imperiously) : Sit down!!!

Me (meekly): Ok ammachi.

Ammachi: Where is Rohan now?

Me: IIM

Ammachi: Huh!

Me (shouting): Eye Eye Yem!!!!

Ammachi: *grumble* You don't have to shout you know!! I am not deaf!! And where is Sebastian now?

Me: ITC

Ammachi: What?

Me: %$#& Malabar Beedi

Ammachi: Oh! And Betsy?

Me: Kerala Rubber Factory (She is with an IT co in Mumbai)

Ammachi: And Korah?

Me: Kochi Industries (he is with a Bank in Delhi)

Ammachi: Ende daivamey!! (OMG)

Me: What happened?

Ammachi : That Sebby, Betsy and Korah!!! *lowering her voice* They are not doing too well are they?

Me: *censored*

Guess who all are not talking to me since yesterday! *sigh*

Some legitimate biases

Overheard this conversation between my Dad and my second bro M today.


Dad: Looks like an awful number of your friends are getting admitted in hospital for bike accidents!

M (indignantly): How can you say that ???? Only Jeevan, Kiran, Adrian, Vinod, Joseph and Kevin have had accidents ... and Dhanush and Hitesh, and oh yes Mrinal...but that was only last month!!

Dad ( sarcastically): Sorry!

Service with a smile and lots of grimace

Dear Ms Anjali,

Just a small Notepad to let you know that the IT Help Desk will receive complaints from 9 am to 8 pm ONLY regarding your PC/Laptop/Network etc ONLY! For the 457th time, we are giving you a list of services we do and do not do. Kindly note that:

1. We do not do DVD writing of movies.

2. It doesn’t matter if you are not going to sell it but use it at home

3. And no, we do not want to keep a copy. Thank you for the offer.

4. Please stop coming to our desk and pouting. The guys here are human you know!

5. Stop calling me DHMS. ( Disturbingly Handsome Mallu Sysadmin)

6. Of course I know you call me that.

7. And I do like it I admit.

8. Hope you mean it.

9. hehe I am blushing ( p.s do you really mean it? Ping me)

10. We have given you 456 mouse till date.

11. And 567 Data Cables.

12. Where are they?

13. Please do not use the Internal Messenger to diss your boss.

14. He is a bloody pain in the butt I agree.

15. If I ever find his laptop alone …never mind

16. Windows XP is dead. So quit whining and make do with Windows Vista.

17. And since you use Windows Vista, please back up your files every hour on a DVD/CD/External HDD/USB

18. Your laptop battery is being used by RS. You are using PC’s laptop battery. Your LCD screen being used by IA and your DVD reader has to be returned to NM. Please surrender your present Lappie LCD Screen as it belongs to PS, the extra 1 GB RAM belongs to SS and he needs it urgently. We will give you RK’s laptop till GH is back from Timbuktoo. He is currently using your laptop motherboard.

19. There is no need to nail your external monitor onto your table. We are not going to replace it with the really bad ones we keep in our cupboard.

20. Please remove the cute little bunny sticker from your laptop when you give it for repairs. We will not be responsible if it is misplaced.

22. Stop calling me from different extensions so that I will pick up your call. It is downright sneaky!!!!

23. And stop hiding behind pillars to catch me. That's highly unfair!!

24. And *sigh* please stop leaving notes in the Smoking Area for me. I swear I read all your service request mails before I delete them.

26. Please call me when you bring chakka and meen curry for lunch.

25. I know you won’t but… did you know we are expecting a shipment of the new Nokia phones soon? You don’t want to be stuck with that old junk do you? Heh heh

26. And last but not the least, WE DO NOT ISSUE BOSE SPEAKERS!

Warm regards,

Sysadmin

Service is our motto!



Yep, you guessed right. It is ‘bash-your-sysadmin’ week again!

On the wrong end of the phone line

Among the numerous calls for Credit Card, Debit Cards, Personal Loans, deliberate wrong numbers by guys and other calls that I get, yesterday I got a telecall of a different nature:

Caller: Hello is this Mr XYX

Me: No this is “Miss” XYZ

Caller: Oh sorry Sir!

Me: Never mind. What do you want?

Caller: Where are you working?

Me: And why do you want to know that?

Caller: We have an exciting job opportunity with a US based MNC Sir.

Me: Well…right now I am not interested in a change…

Caller: This is one of the largest MNC’s in the US Madam!!!

Me: Thank you for your interest, but right now I am quite happy where I am…

Caller: This is a big opportunity for career advancement Sir!!

Me ( cutting in) : How did you get my number?

Caller: From your resume Sir!

Me: How did you get my resume?

Caller: From a job site madam.

Me: But I do not have my resume on any of the job sites!

Caller: errr I don’t know Sir from where our procurement team got your resume. But this is just the opening for someone like you!

Me: What do you mean someone like me?

Caller: Someone with your kind of experience and job profile. We have short listed your resume after careful consideration Madam.

Me: Really? And on what basis did you select my resume. Eenie Meenie Minee Mo method? Heh heh

Caller: No ma, our Procurement Team works with our Internal Process Team to ensure a perfect match!!

Me: Oh ok!

Caller: And money is not a problem here. You can earn upto a crore a year!

Me: Which company is this? The Grand Bank Robbery Inc? ha ha...

Caller: No Sir. It is ABC Life. America’s leading Insurance Company!!! They are looking for Insurance Agents for……

Me: %#$*#$ *SLAM*

I hope ABC Life Insurance has its a**e covered with it’s most Premium A**e Covering Scheme because if I get one more call from their Placement Agency and I will sue them to kingdom come.

What next? Telecallers from Matrimonial Bureaus? I wouldn’t be surprised if we get a call like this in the future!

Caller: Miss ABC are you single?

ABC: Yes!

Caller: Are you planning to get married anytime soon?

ABC: Yes!

Caller: In that case we have an exciting and promising proposal for you. He is 5 feet 11 inches tall, MBA, wheatish complexion and a teetotaler. Doesn’t smoke, is God fearing…..

The future is so bright for telecallers. *groan*

Old wives hairy tales

Saturday morning and my best friend Nina drops in. She is amongst the 345 other ‘best friends’ I have ( psst don’t tell her this). Now Nina is very nifty with the scissors. I mean she is quite good in giving a neat trim for our tresses that saves most of us a trip to the salon and a mean Rs 300/-. 'Money saved is money well spent' is our Sorority motto.

Now my tresses are the very private property of my mother. Yeah it grows on my head but so what? The lady cares two hoots. Suggestions made in jest that I cut it and hand it over to her for safe keeping is met with a steely “mom” glare.

According to my mom (and most mallu moms) I can do whatever I please…"after I get married” (the lady is a whiz with clauses and sub clauses and sub sub clauses).

Me: Amma I want to convert to a heathen religion and spend the rest of my life eating lizards!

Amma: Sure dear. After you are married you can do anything you want.

Me: Anything????

Amma: Yes!!

Me: And can I become Sheik Al Arabis 18^th wife? He has a mean swimming pool you know!!!

Amma: of course mole!!! Anything after your are married! *angelic smile*

And so cutting my hair is an absolute no-no with her because “ no good achayathi girls cut their hair besides “ no achayan boy worth his salt will marry you if you do!! ’

I can almost imagine a pennu kaanal scene in the distant future. Yours truly has trimmed her tresses a wee bit and enters the living room decked in traditional finery carrying a laden tray groaning under the weight of the traditional delicacies ‘made at home’ from Delight Bakery.

Bridegroom to be: *gasp* her tresses are a little shorter than what I saw in her photograph!!!

MIL: Entamoooooo!!!

FIL: Idhu chadhi aannu!! grr

Bridegrooms brother: Dad!! Mom!! We cannot stay here a minute longer!!

Bridegroom’s sister: This is an insult to our family!

Broker to my Dad: You ruined my reputation.

My Mom: My heart is paining *gasp*

My Dad: Someone call the doctor!!

FIL: We are leaving. I consider it an insult to even drink water in this house.

My Dad: Nooooo please don’t do this. Pleeeeeaaaase!! I beg of you. Please don't go.... *sob*

*Sound of Ambulance siren blaring*

The Bridegrooms family drives away in a huff.

Scene at our parish Church in Pala:

Priest: And for todays mass, we will pray for our fallen sister Anjali’s soul. God forgives all sins, but this girl has stretched even Gods patience. Let God in his infinite mercy forgive her her sins so that she does not burn in the eternal flames of Hell!

Congregation: tch tch Amen!

Scene at my mothers house in Changanassery

Aundy 1: *wail* Mein loot gayi, barbaad ho gayi err… I mean ente daivamme what misfortune has befallen our family!!! Aiyyo!!

Aundy 2: *wail*

Aundy 3: *bawl*

Aundy 4: *sob*

Aundy5: *swoon* *thud*

Scene at my Dads tharavaadu (ancestral house) in Pala.

Uncle two: 100 Pipers or Antiquity?

Uncle three: Our niece has done us proud. This occasion calls for a Scotch I say!

Uncle four: *smile*

Uncle five: And Scotch it is!!

(Sorry for the abberation folks but my Dad’s brothers are not exactly prone to melodrama. ‘A healthy amount of alcohol is the best reality check’ is our family motto.)

And so peoples to avoid my mother from going into shock, I decided not to trim my tresses…....till my moms next Potta trip.

Breaking news!

I am going to be a TV news reporter!! Yes friends, I have just made up my mind and as soon as I find a News channel willing to hire me I will make the transition from my boring Communications job into the exciting world of TV news reporting. Besides getting to travel free to exciting places like Hyderabad flyovers I will also come on TV and my mom can say "How dare she wear such short tops!!"

TV reporting looks as easy as ABC. Anyone can do it. All it needs is an ability to ask probing intelligent questions that will elicit maximum information for the news hungry TV audience. I have been watching a lot of News Channels lately to pick up tips and tricks that will come in handy in my new job. For people who would like to follow in my footsteps, here are some pointers to becoming a good TV reporter.

1. When you see a badly battered bomb victim who is bleeding and is being carried on a stretcher his limbs being carried along in another stretcher, all you have to do is stuff the mike up his nose and ask "Aapko kaisa lag raha hai?" ( What do you think/feel?)

2. When you see people boating around a flood submerged street with their meager worldly possessions, stick the mike onto their face and ask "So you have become homeless because of the rains? Aapko kaisa lag raha hai?"

3. When you see people being inconvenienced by road blocks and bundhs like the recent BJP road blockade over the Ram Setu issue, stick the mike into the face of a 'inconvenienced person' and ask "What do you feel, now that you cannot go to office due to this road blockade?" For variety ask a school kid in uniform who has missed school like all other school children in the city “So you missed school because of the road blockade huh?" For more variety ask another 'inconvenienced member of the public' "What do you want to say to the people who blocked the road?"

4. Stick a long furry mike into the face of man whose wife has delivered their baby on the road due to the doctors strike and ask sympathetically “So your wife had to deliver the baby on the road uh?" "Aapko kaisa lag raha hai?"

5. In gentle tones ask a woman who has been raped “Aapka balaathkaar hua? Aapko kaisa lag raha hai?"

Expansion of course material welcome in the comments section. Due acknowledgment will be given to you in the book that I am bringing out called “TV News Reporting for Dummies"

Satan

Every night when I am sitting at my comp, I can feel a steady gaze burning into my back from beyond the windows and the dark of the trees in the night. A shiver runs up my spine as I feel those eyes upon me….. I dare not look around. Because I know what is. I do not have to turn around to see who it is. It is Satan!

Satan is a chubby two year old Alsatian, who, according to the paperwork is my brother M’s dog. He is a highly obedient, intelligent and well trained dog.

M: Here Satan, come here boy!
Satan: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
M: Good boy Satan, come here Satan, $%$^#& I said come here right now you mangy critter or I will hand you over to the SPCA!!!!!
Satan: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! *SNORT*

(I forgot to tell you that he was trained by his owner)

While he is not guarding our house he spends his free time trying to figure out the mysteries of his doggy life like why he is kept out of the house while the other two dogs enjoy the comforts of the house. Arguments like “you are a watchdog” doesn’t seem to hold water with him and he is currently pursuing advanced training in getting into the house without getting caught

Now you might wonder why a house that already has two dogs would need another one right? Well there is a story behind Satan’s arrival in our house. One dark stormy night as the stray dogs howled in the darkness, a robber scaled our walls and promptly fell down and broke my mother’s precious pots. The incident jolted all of us out of our reverie and reminded all of us how fragile pots were and we collectively decided to get a watchdog that would guard the house and warn us of approaching pot breakers.

After a frantic search in the Kennel section of all the newspaper we zeroed in on a jolly old Colonel whose dog had littered. Jolly ‘ol Col Sharma was a true dog lover. Not the money making, over breeding their dog kinda dog owners.

My dad: We want an Alsatian puppy.
Col Sharma: Sure, the males are Rs 50,000 each and the females 49,990/- each.
Dad: *swoon* *thud*
M: Thank you Mr Sharma. I afraid I cannot afford such prices.
Col Sharma: Ok ok 5000 and he is yours!! *Hindi swear words*

That Sunday Satan nee Veerappan all of six week old ball of fur came home to a rousing reception. And as is the practice in my house, every new puppy is greeted with great joy and affection after which everyone goes back to their routine leaving yours truly holding the baby dog. After everybody had left, Satan and I faced each other. Satan had a “groan so this is the stupid human who will look after me?!!” kinda expression on his face while I had a “I would like to do something painful to this dogs owner” kinda expression on my face. The dog’s owner had an “It is so hard to get a good maid to look after my dog” kinda expression. To which Satan had a “ I agree but I wish you could do better?” kinda expression. To which the dog’s owner sported a “ I know buddy, but something is better than nothing” expression. The “something is better than nothing” had an expression which cannot be printed here for obvious reasons.

As you can see from the above example, Satan was very good in verbalizing his feelings and we had frequent eye to eye chats.

Satan: I hate carrots in my food.
Me: Go tell your owner!!! grr
Satan: *HOWWWWWWWWWL*
Me: ok! Ok! Stop howling. No more carrots %^$^#%@*
Satan: *satisfied smirk*

(We didn’t see eye to eye on most occasions.)

I am sure dog and dog owner did some high fives behind my back and celebrated every victory with a beer and a bone.

Satan however had a problem or more rightly a medically untreatable grave defect. "HE WAS THE WORLDS MOST FRIENDLIEST DOG!!” He couldn’t bark leave alone bite to save his own life or his masters life. He was just not programmed to be a dog. A bug in his creation ensured that he spent his life thinking that he was a Teddy bear. A large woolly Teddy Bear that liked to slobber everyone including cats. Many a cat in our neighborhood migrated to Canada due to the ignominy of a dog having lovingly slobbered all over them. Somewhere in Gods assembly unit a Test Engineer lost his job or got a really bad appraisal when Satan was born.

But a watchdog he was and like his illustrious Alsatian ancestors, Satan too won many awards in the Watchdog Category. Chief among them were:

1. Most Friendliest Watchdog Award, given by the Bengaluru Robbers Association
2. Most Harmless Large Dog Award, given by the Bengaluru Petty Thieves Association
3. Best Watchdog Award, given by the All Karnataka Dacoits Association

(The awards are too many to mention here)

Bathing Satan was as easy as ABC...multiplied by XYZ, divided by EFG. In other words it was not very easy. Satan knew the meaning of the word B.A.T.H in 27 different languages. If you were to carelessly remark that you were going to give Satan a 'bath', then you would have to apply for annual leave to go search for him. On the other hand if you were to remark that you were going to give Satan a “LIC Retirement Policy” he would not suspect a thing!!! And it is thanks to LIC Retirement Policy, Max New York Pension Fund, HDFC Mid-Cap Opportunities Fund etc that Satan manages to have a bath every Sunday. (Never underestimate the power of investments!!)

Though he is very friendly, he is a very good watch dog and has prevented many burglaries in my house.

Robber one: Let’s loot Silverine’s house tonight!
Robber two: Are you out of your mind??? That is next to impossible!!
Robber three: You are right! There is no way we can get in or out of that house without getting doggy drool over our face.
Robber one: ewwwww

( He is a mean one one alright!)

The purpose of this long winded post is to wish Satan a very happy 3rd birthday! According to good ‘ol Col Sharma, he was born in the last week of September, on the day the BMP garbage truck failed to arrive. Apparently Satan’s mommy gave birth while Col Sharma was out cruising the city in the night looking for a place to furtively dump his garbage.

I am not at home and I am missing him soooo much :(( Hope people at home give him a nice time and hope his owner for once in his lifetime takes Satan for a WALK!!

Happy Birthday you adorable naughty ball of fur! I love you so much! *muah*

FAQ’s about Kerala

With the spread of IT after the overspill in Bangalore, we now find people heading out to places like Kochi, Mangalore, Pune and Jhumri Thalaiyya etc to work in the Technoparks that are mushrooming there rapidly. Therefore I am often confronted by questions about Kerala by people who are relocating there. I have compiled some of the questions that I am usually asked so that people can use this as a travel advisory.

Q. Where is Kerala?
A. It is in South India.

Q. Where is South India?
A. Near Chennai.

Q. What is Chennai?
A. Never mind.

Q. How do I reach Kerala?
A. Kerala is connected to the rest of the country by Rail, Air and Sea routes.
Q. Do I need to take a visa?
A. No, but a copy of “Das Kapital” will make your stay more comfortable.
Q. What is Das Kapital?
A. Never mind.

Q. That was very rude.
A. I know. Next question please!!!!!

Q. I have heard that Kerala is full of mosquitoes.
A. %$^#& who told you so?
Q. errr…never mind.


Q. What do people in Kerala eat?
A. Rice and vegetables and some meat. But mostly they drink.
Q. Really???
A. What did you $%#& think?
Q. err…nothing!

Q. What do people in Kerala drink?
A. Water….sometimes neat but mostly diluted with Whisky, Brandy, Rum etc.
Q. Oh!
A: What did you mean by “oh”?
Q: *gulp* I swear I wasn’t thinking anything!!!


Q. And what do people of Kerala wear?
A. Clothes!
Q. Really? Err… I mean that sounds great.

Q. What kind of people are Keralites?
A. Most of them are human, the rest are communists.

Q. Who is the Chief Minister of Kerala?
Q. Wait let me try and answer that!
A. Ok!
Q. Ratnasiri Wickremanayake
A. hmm close
Q. Lawrence Gonzi!!!!
A. You are getting hot!
Q. Mohan Lal!!
A. Bravo!!!!
Q. You are making fun of me aren’t you?
A. Yes!


Q. I am not talking to you!
A. Great. See ya!

Q. I have one last question
A. Shoot!!
Q. Are all Keralites like you?
A. What do you mean, “like you”.
Q. I mean rude and sarcastic!
A. No, I am an exception.
Q. Thank god!!

Q. One last favor.
A: hmmm!
Q. Will you teach me some Malayalam?
Q: *GRIN* But of course!!! It will be my pleasure totally.

Please note: Kerala can be replaced with Maharashtra, West Bengal, Nagaland etc for morons like these who cannot see beyond their hometown and the main metropolises.

If you pay more peanuts you get better monkeys!

Have you ever bargained for fruits from the cart vendor? I guess all of us have at some point or the other. No one in their right mind would go to the apple seller and buy the fruit at the quoted price. We all tend to bargain because the seller expects it and hence hikes the price and you the buyer knows that the price is hiked and hence you try to bring it down…besides you are a sucker if you buy the apples at the hiked up price. The vendor will probably stick his tongue out at you when you walk away with the apples at the quoted price. And you will be labeled a loser in the Apple Vendor circles.

Vendor 1: Look!! There comes Arjun. He bought a kilo of apples for Rs100/- from me yesterday.

Other vendors (laughing derisively) : HAHAHAHAHAAAH!!!

Arjun: *sob*

Bargaining is an art.

You: How much for the apples?

Vendor: 70 rupees a kg saar.

You: My god what prices!!!!! I will give you 35 rupees

Vendor: heh heh get me a kilo of apples for 35 rupees and I will give you this whole cart free.

You walk away…

Vendor: Ok Saar take it for 65 rupees

You: 40

Vendor: 60

You: 45

Vendor: 55 last price Saar…

You: Make it 50 and we have a deal

Vendor: Make it 54 saar poor man saar...

You: 50 is my last price

Vendor: Deal!

Something similar happens when you tender your resignation. It has happened with me before when I put in my papers. The last time I was really serious. I had to quit. I knew all that was to be done in that job and had achieved as much as I could in that organization besides I was being given a higher post in the new job. I thought I would have a talk with my HR and then put in my papers.

HR: okay Miss if salary is the reason you are leaving then we can always do something about it.

Me: This is not about salary. I can do my current job with my eyes shut and need a fresh challenge or I will stagnate.

HR (looking at me straight in the eye) : How about 10 more peanuts than what you are getting now.

Me: Mr MM, please try and understand…

HR: 15 peanuts!!

Me: This really isn’t about money!

HR: *sigh* you drive a hard bargain…ok my last offer 30 peanuts plus a peanut toaster thrown in absolutely FREE. Think about it girl…take your time. This is very good offer and you know it!!!

This guy was unbelievable! I did not know how to make him understand that taking 30 peanuts and the free toaster would not give me the new exposure and challenges that I am looking for! He just couldn’t understand that I needed to expand my skill-set and knowledge base through a change in job title, wider responsibilities and greater role dimensions. It was getting very obvious that he was selfish and not bothered about my career at all. I had to look out for myself. There was no other choice. So I put my feet down firmly!

Me: Make it 40 peanuts, plus the peanuts toaster, plus a peanut container and a bottle of beer.

HR (without batting an eyelid) : Deal.

It is not easy to achieve 100% job satisfaction, but 40 % is achievable if you bargain well. Don’t you think so? ;)

( p.s Off late a lot of legitimate mails have ended up in my Spam box and were deleted. So if you didn't get a reply, then please accept my apologies and resend the mail)

Rising above the ordinary...people

On August 25^th, SK was abducted by the dreaded terrorist outfit TIS. SK like any other ordinary Indian citizen was on his way to work when the incident happened. The news sent shock waves amongst his friends and family members. A pall of gloom fell over his village.

SK was a well liked man and had numerous friends. His family had every reason to be proud of SK. He had done well in life and had bought a name for his family. Which is why it was hard for his friends and family to digest his abduction and detention. The abductors in a letter released to the press said that he was a threat to their cause.

With his abduction and detention on August 25^th began a long ordeal that plunged the family into a state of turmoil. Eventually a crack team of expert “Negotiators” won SK freedom from the terrorist outfit. Unverified reports say that he had to pay a huge ransom in return for freedom. The TIS has however threatened to abduct him again if they think that he is acting against their interests. It is very evident that the TIS is beginning to flex its muscles and enforce their dikats.

Wearing a white shirt, jeans and a grey cap and carrying a bag, SK walked out of the abductors jeep and waved at his friends who clapped and shouted slogans in his support. The henchmen of the militia outfit had a tough time controlling them. The local media gave wide coverage of the incident. People watched in stunned silence as SK walked to freedom. Nobody thought that he would come back.

Earlier, the local unit of the TIS, the TRP which released SK said “I hope this serves as a warning to everyone not to mess with our laws”

'We had full faith in the negotiator and finally we have been proven right.” SK’s cousin said.

Ecstatic scenes were witnessed after SK’s release. His family though moved by the release maintained a dignified silence in public. He was greeted with joy by his numerous friends. Crowds thronged his residence in his village and celebrated the triumph of good over evil. He was given a hero's welcome

SK (Salman Khan) in the meantime is still haunted by the specter of TIS (The Indian State). But he told reporters that he has decided to live a normal life despite the continued threat to his freedom by TIS. “It is better to die once than always be afraid of death” said SK quoting Julius Caesar. “And it was inspired by this quote that I put an end to the misery of that poor Gazelle. It was on the endangered list you know!?” he exclaimed.

The vociferous support of his friends was a show of strength to the TIS (The Indian State) and its local unit the TRG (The Rajasthan Government) and it’s militant arm TRP (The Rajasthan Police) that people like SK are above their law.

In an unrelated incident actor Sanjay Dutt said that he will soon be joining politics. When queried by reporters on his sudden decision to join politics, he said “The move was not sudden. I have only recently obtained the required qualification to become a politician.” He was of course referring to his recent conviction and imprisonment in a criminal case.

p.s Noted film maker Dubash Bhai declared in a Press Conference today, that he will soon be making a movie on SK’s capture and ordeal at the hands of the TIS. The film is tentatively titled “101 ways to cook Venison”

Feasting and fasting...

Hola peoples, hope you all had a nice festive time with Rakshabandhan and Onam (Malayalam translation -“the festival of putting on much weight”) And now after the festivities and merry making lets get back to business i.e. working out the calories that you have put on due to the Onasadhya. So all of you get off your backside and get moving in the general direction of a gym or read this post. Of course moiself have no worries in the weight department and, so I will with great sadistic pleasure advice people who have to lose their Onam hangovers...especially around the waist. This can be done swiftly and painfully by Liposuction or slowly and painfully by starvation. Either you way you will have a tough time tra la la la la

I do not know much about Rakshabandhan. But I was persuaded by my North Indian colleagues to tie Rakhi on my brother’s hands. My eldest bro gave me a thousand rupees with the rider that I "invest” it. I did invest it…in a couple of Madeleine Lipsticks :) (and that in girl terms is a very good investment indeed hummph!!).

My second bro absolutely refused to let me tie anything on his hand that will have an adverse effect on his purse. He did let me tie the Rakhi finally after I threatened him with dire consequences ( shudhdh vegetarian food on Sundays). He gave me a perfume that even my maid refused to touch (and this is the lady who thinks ‘pine scented phenyl’ is sexy!! brrr). I have now put it up for sale. Buy the perfume and get a perfume remover absolutely FREE!!! So far no takers :(

Any ways I realized that Rakhi tying is fun and profitable. I wanted to tie Rakhi to my Dad too, but the gentleman declined politely. According to him “Fatherhood is killing enough!” hmm I wonder what he meant by that.

Anyway Onam a.k.a “long queues outside Kerala State Beverages Corporation Limited”, is our harvest festival. It is the day we give thanks to the Gods and Goddesses that despite great odds facing our agriculturists like "trade unions" the farmers managed to deliver the crops to the market and to your table without giving too much "nokku koolie".

Legend has it that King Mahabali who ruled over Kerala was a highly popular King. There were many rave parties and drinking binges during his time. Earth had become a happening place and there were no takers for the heavens. "Let the good times roll" was the official State motto. This made the residents of heaven a bit uptight (constant diet of milk and honey does that) and they decided to put the lid on the partying and merry making by banishing Mahabali to the Netherworld a.k.a. the land of no booze. Mahabali was however allowed one day respite from an eternity of prohibition and allowed to return to Kerala and it is on the day that he returns to the land of the coconuts a.k.a. Kerala, that we celebrate Onam. As you can see, we the Malayalees were a 24/7 partying crowd in the good 'ol days.

Anyways we are digressing again folks. The real purpose of this post is to get all you people back into shape after the countless Onasadhya helpings that you people indulged in. Given below is the easy to follow Silverine Miracle Diet ®. Seven steps to a healthier and slimmer you in just a few hours!!! Don’t believe me? Try it out

1. Water: Water is very good for your body. It fills you up, revs up your metabolism and washes away all the impurities in your body. So as of today you shall drink a lot of water till you are running, sprinting, dashing in the general direction of the toilet. (Warning: People with weak bladders should not attempt this exercise) Please don’t cheat by shifting your workstation to the toilet.

2. Fibre: Fibre is essential while dieting and one needs to include plenty of fibre as the body needs a lot of calories to digest fibre. On an empty stomach, go to your nearest vegetable shop and buy 10 kilos of Cucumber. Wash, peel, and chop into 1cm by 1 cm cubes, and throw it away. Do this six times a day.

3. Sensible eating: Eat simple and nutritious meals like a glass of water in the morning, two in the afternoon and another two in the night. If you still feel hungry, buy yourself a large slice of Black Forest cake, a hot cup of Cappuccino and a plate of Mutton Biryani and throw it into the dustbin. You deserve it for putting on weight.


4. Total body Cleansing: Cut off a 1’x 1’ piece of your blanket. Now boil it in approximately two cups of Dettol for two hours till tender and eat while it is still hot. You will puke till your guts are on the floor. Guaranteed weight loss of at least two kilos in a day. I will not be responsible for the Intravenous that may cause you to put back all that you have lost. So go to a hospital at your own risk.

5. Exercise: Get yourself a snazzy exercise gear and get up early in the morning at say 4:30 am. Now take a bath and get into the snazzy exercise gear and go back to sleep. You will be so tired because you got up a 4:30 am that you would keep dozing at work and swear never to overeat again. Repeat everyday till I tell you to stop.

6. Walking: Walking is an effective way of exercise. Walking away from the cafeteria till you can walk no more will help you lose more weight than a good one hour in the gym. So start walking.

7. Eat lite: Low calorie meals are the order of the day. So clear out the Chocolates, Ice Creams, Sweets, and Pastries etc from the fridge. Now pack them in neat containers and send them over to my house.

Remember the key to success in dieting is following the above formula without skipping a day. Happy dieting!!

p.s Guru Dakshina in the form of self control ( by my students) while commenting will be highly appreciated.

18 facts no one wanted to know about me

Someone tagged me I don’t know when. In fact I have forgotten his name too. But since I am right now at a boring training session I thought I will take this up. Now this training session seems to have been devised by Inquisition team of the Dark Ages itself. No laptops. No Internet and no sleeping. I will actually have to learn something *sigh*. Anyways as an act of rebellion I will do this tag from the Instructors laptop as he talks about our company’s Privacy Policy *yawwwwwn*

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it.

I have a scar on my forehead which is barely visible now. Got it when an overconfident brother all of 9 years old took me pillion on his new bike. He lost balance and I fell and hit my head on the granite stones piled on the side of the road. I never cried till I saw the blood. I still have the habit. Till I see blood I don’t feel the hurt :p

2. What does your phone look like?

I have no idea err I mean...of course I do...just a sec while I take a relook. You know for the sake of accuracy and all that. And here are the results *drums rolling* hmmmm It looks like any other phone… except for the logo.

3. What is on the walls of your bedroom?

There was a Lizard staring at me some time ago. We stared at each other and I would have won the staring competition if the lizard had not opened his mouth and said. “Yawn”. And then it slithered away. I swear I will out yawn him next time. And if he still wins I will concede defeat graciously and then kill him.

4. What is your current desktop picture?

A magnificent example of Digital SLR photography taken without permission from the Canon gallery ( a.k.a my happy hunting ground for some nice nice girly girly desktop pictures)

5. Do you believe in gay marriage?

I think two people who love each other should be together no matter what the neighbors giggle and say. So there!!!!

*giggle*


6. What do you want more than anything right now?

If I had an idea I would have been on my knees begging and pleading God for the same, till he gets fed up of my whining and gets ear plugs or grants me my wish. But you see I myself have no idea what I want right now.

7 . What time were you born?

Around 6:30 pm on a cold and stormy evening in some hospital in Ernakulam. High drama preceded that 6:30 pm. The rain had set in. It was dark and stormy and all throughout the road not a creature was stirring not even a Chayakada owner. Despite the warnings of the Met department my Dad braving high winds and slashing rain took his pregnant wife to the hospital. She was screaming in pain. The doctors had warned him many time not to make his pregnant wife push his car, but he had not heeded their advice. My mom still pushed the car towards the hospital. But to his credit the engine did start when they reached the hospital gates and my dad was able to park without her help.

hahahah none of that happened. I was exaggerating. She actually pushed it to the parking slot.

Ok kidding! Actually my mom was ensconced in a warm hospital room with all her sisters and her mom tut tutting around her making her feel like a Queen who had just won the Sikkim Thunderball. My poor dad was alone in Bangalore tending to his two young sons with no help save for one mother, a father, 5 brothers and equal amount of sister-in-laws, aunts, uncles, grand aunts, grand uncles, some neighbors and one couple on their way to Ooty to honeymoon and 529 nephews, nieces and cousins. Legend has it that he put on an enormous amount of weight and his wife didn’t recognize him when he landed at the hospital But that is another story. Legend also has it that when I first beheld my dad I looked at him and uttered my very first words " Amma?". My mother was not amused. Neither was my Dad.

8. Are your parents still together?

Despite my Dads best efforts they are still together :p

9. Last person who made you cry?

Arey anyone can make me cry!! I have double the tear glands and triple the emotions of an average girl. All it needs is an averagely sad sight like a lost puppy to make me go boooo hoooooo...

10. What is your favorite perfume / cologne?

Lemme check what my Mom/aunt/friends have got in their cupboard and I will let you know. But 'rose' is the preferred aroma.

11. What kind of hair/eye color do you like in the opposite sex?

I like the opposite sex. Period. Packaging doesn’t matter. (creeps excluded)

12. What are you listening to?

My dumb colleague go on and on about Sanjay Dutts conviction which made me so bored that I wrote this tag without being reminded. That should give you an idea how desperate I was!

13. Do you get scared of the dark?

Yes and No. Yes if I am alone. And no if I am not.

14. Do you like pain killers?

This has to be the most stupidest question in the world unless you are a masochist. In which case my sincere apologies to masochists who may be reading this. Please please forgive me and don’t whip yourself too much for my transgressions. *sob*

15. Are you too shy to ask someone out?

Let me meet a shy guy I like first, then I will tell ya. Till today I am yet to meet a guy who says "hi" before he says "coffee?” (Exceptions like married and gay men are forgiven)Anyways the answer is "no".

16. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?

A large slice of Lasagna drenched in melting cheese stuffed with moist meat sauce and a savory combination of ricotta, mozzarella, provolone, and romano cheeses, topped with mozzarella in each layer, baked in a wood oven and served with a red wine, vintage year 1678.

I gotcha drooling didn’t I? *evil sadistic smile*

17. Who was the last person you made you mad?

My counterpart at work by saying that Sanjay Dutt should have been let off for being such a good boy.
Oh yeah baby. Lemme kill some people and then I promise I will be a good girl if you don’t jail me. Bah!!!!!

18. Who was the last person who made you smile?

Someone who chivalrously opened the door for me today :)

p.s I am listening to The Last Waltz.

And I am tagging Alexis, Mathew, Binu and anyone else who wants to take up this tag.

AND WISHING YOU ALL A HAPPY AND JOYOUS ONAM!!!

A Christmas Crib story

People who forget history are cursed to repeat it, says an old proverb which I suspect was mouthed by an ancestor of my parents because this is something I have been hearing from the time I was a small brat …without any effect at all. In fact if “Experience” was a school teacher, this is how the conversation between Miss Experience and me would go.

Miss Experience: Now that you have burnt your fingers have you learnt that it is not such a good idea to put you hand in the fire?
Me: Nopes
Miss Experience: It’s no point teaching you anything is it?
Me: Yes!
Miss Experience: From my experience I can safely surmise that I can go home?!
Me: Yes!
Miss Experience: Class dismissed!

It is this congenital inability to learn lessons from past experiences, that landed me in a very grave situation last Christmas. A situation so grave that it could have put a cemetery to shame!

But did it teach me a lesson? Naaah.

It all started one fine winter morning. Well it wasn’t that fine actually…..it was quite foggy that morning…the type of fog that makes airlines pilots look at each other gravely and say “mommmmy".

So that fine foggy morning, my eldest brother G declared that he had to dash off to Mumbai for some urgent work. This meant that the centuries ( acco to my Dad) old tradition of G making the Christmas Crib in our house would now be undertaken by yours truly and M, my second brother. This was a bonanza beyond our wildest dreams!!! We greeted the news with disbelief/surprise/glee/trepidation/fear/uneasiness/feeling of impending doom/optimism and bravado… (in that order).

The Christmas Crib, to the uninitiated is a small tableau depicting the birth of Christ. It is put up in every Christian home a few weeks before Christmas, and in my home it used to be an activity that we kids undertook jointly, till due to certain hitherto undisclosed reasons the two "second class" (read younger) siblings were very cruelly and heartlessly banned from the said activity. The reason I think was pure greed folks….the greed to win the Annual Christmas Crib competition in which some uncreative and very old Parish Council members’ awarded prizes to the most pansy looking cribs. (G by the way almost always won the competition).

And what was that unfortunate incident that led to us being banned from crib making? Nothing serious I assure, just that we showed a creativity that was far ahead of our times. ( It is a miracle that we were not burnt at the stake or sentenced to death by stoning after that incident) M and I decided that the Christmas crib could do with some creative decorations and applied all our meager Primary School resources towards these efforts. The result was extra ordinary! We were very proud of our creation and waited with bated breath for the Parish Council to arrive to judge our crib. The Parish Council did arrive and gasped in collective horror when they saw the angels in my Rajasthani Dolls clothing and the three Kings in army tanks holding Kalashnikov rifles while six GI Joe's stood proudly around Baby Jesus' as his personal body guards. I shall not elaborate what happened after that but according to family legends my Dad had to sponsor one church building and pay for several masses to prevent his two younger kids from being excommunicated by the Church. We were also banned from further Christmas crib work by our parents and a restraining order of 10 feet distance from crib, was slapped on the two of us.

Now with G off to Mumbai, we finally had a chance to redeem our names. After much squabbling and arguments we decided that we would play safe and make a conventional but ‘lifelike’ Christmas Crib. During our years of vanvaas we had keenly watched G in action from the designated ten feet of distance stated in the 'restraining order' and observed as he carefully marked areas around the miniature wooden Bethlehem with a pen and filled these areas with mud which he dampened and planted with sprouted mustard seed that grew to resemble natural shrubbery. After which he arranged the figurines like the shepherds, angels etc. to complete the picture. It looked so easy! We were sure it would be a cake walk.

Everything was going fine as we set about the important but oh-so-easy task. Suddenly M had a brainwave and like all his brainwaves in the past that has left me with burnt fingers, singed eyebrows, scalded toes, fried legs and once a nearly burnt down house, this too was treated like a brilliant idea by yours truly. I learnt the hard way that I never learn :(

M thought that instead of using the anemic looking mustard sprouts we will use the healthy and robust Fenugreek (methi) sprouts instead! He had seen some in the kitchen garden and he said they looked green and rather harmless. So we borrowed a big packet of methi seeds from the kitchen, sprouted them and planted them in the damp soil around the town of the miniature Bethlehem. Next we arranged the figurines like the shepherds, lambs, three kings etc in their designated places and surveyed our creation with great satisfaction! The Holy Family, we decided we would put in later. Soon the small seedlings started emerging and the scene took on a realistic hue.

Early the next morning my Dad woke me up with a worried look. He pointed to the crib. The little teeny weeny innocent looking baby methi seedlings were now 3 inches in height and the Shepherd figurines were looking rather alarmed. By the next morning, the shepherds and their sheep had disappeared in the overgrowth. In the next few days the thick growth had swallowed the entire town of Bethlehem and the methi plants were now looking greedily at our house!!

The situation was grim in Bethlehem.

Shepherd 1: Hey Shepherd 2 can you see me?
Shepherd 2: I can’t see a thing in this damned overgrowth!!!
Shepherd 1: err Shepherd 2 can you hear me?
Shepherd 2: yeah, loud and clear
Shepherd 1: Good!!! Just wanted to let you know that your "Daisy" made a rather nice "mutton tikka labaadaar"
Shepherd 2: %$^#&##@*&#*
Shepherd 1: Catch me if you can tee hee.

Angel one: Say Angel Two, I always wanted to tell you this but never got the guts, but you look so pansy in that outfit! *giggle*
Angel two: *guffaw* Godamnit…you are right!! We do look like a couple of pansies!!
Angel one: *sigh* If I get out of this jungle alive I am going shopping to Forum.
Angel two: And it won't be night gowns we will be buying!
Both: ROTFLAO!!

King One: Hey King Two you look like a moron holding that Frankincense.
King Two: Poda patti!
King Three: King One you don’t look too manly either holding that Myrrrh *snigger*
King One: Take this you country bugger *biff*
King Three: And you take that you cow *sock*
King Two: wheeee this is fun!!


M grimly tried to bring the situation under control by hacking the overgrowth but to no avail. The plants kept growing and growing. Alarmed at the escalating situation, my mom pitched in to help. The meal menu in the house reads thus:

Morning: Methi Dosa. Methi Chutney. Methi Coffee, Methi Tea, Methi leaves chumma just like that if you feel munchy
Lunch: Methi Pulao. Methi Salad . Methi Avial, Methi Thoranl, Methi Kaalan etc.
Tea: Methi Tea, Methi pakodas, Methi Rolls etc
Dinner: Methi Rotis and Methi Chicken. Methi Chana, Methi Raita etc.

All meals accompanied by Methi pickles, Methi pappads and Methi preserves.

Finally after some frantic eating of Methi and more Methi till we were all green in the face, the battle was bought under control. The damned plants stopped growing and peace was restored. When we left for Kerala for Christmas, our Bethlehem looked worse than a nuclear war theater that had suffered a meteor attack. Of course we didn’t win the Christmas Crib competition. It went as usual to some pansy crib made by equally pansy neighbors.

p.s the 'Restraining Order' is back in place *sigh*

Note to self: Next time ….if there is a next time please DO NOT USE High Speed Accelerate Growth Mixture for you know what.

Independent and clueless

On 12 March 1930, Gandhiji walked the talk to the coastal village of Dandi. He was joined by many people who followed him to witness the first act of Civil Disobedience that extricated the powerful hold of the British Empire from India without bloodshed. (Dentists!! Please note this point)

He reached the village of Dandi on April 6th and took a lump of salty mud, boiled it in seawater and illegally produced Salt.

And since then we Indians have been producing many commodities illegally and committing many more acts of Civil Disobedience like evading taxes, violating laws, plagiarizing, violating Intellectual property rights and destroying public property!

Perhaps Gandhiji should have addressed the future generations with a disclaimer before he made the epoch making decision to taste the salt of the earth.

"Civil disobedience is the inherent right of a citizen to be civil, it implies discipline, thought, care, attention and sacrifice". But……

“Dear peoples, please remember this is a token protest. This does not mean that you can now start manufacturing salt at home and sell it using those horrible television commercials!”

“And dear peoples, this act of defiance by me does not mean that you can defy Intellectual Property Rights and make horrible movies like KANK.”

“ Or make horrible caricatures of Nusrath Fateh Ali Khan, Simon and Garfunkel, Boney M, MLTR, Pink Floyd, Abba, Michael Jackson, Sting, Dolly Parton….guess you get the drift.”

“This does not mean you can dump garbage in your neighbor’s house.”

“Or turn up the volume of your music systems.”

“Please do not interpret this as a license to spit on the road.”

“Burning buses is not a form of Satyagraha.”

“And neither is making illegal liquor at home!!!”

“Tasting of salt from the seashore is not the same as tapping Electricity illegally.”

“And c’mon this is not in the same league as beating up fellow drivers on the road!”

“Neither is evading taxes!!”

“I request all of you gathered here to read the Dictionary when you go home and understand the meaning of the word “Independence”.

And my last appeal to the next generation which has nothing to do with this incident is, please stop making those horrible remixes. And for those of you here, who don’t know what a remix is, never mind. You will not live to hear it anyways *sigh*.

Perhaps he should have been around a little longer to teach us the value of independence and our duties as responsible citizens of this great country.

Happy Independence Day to you all!