Saturday, November 03, 2007

Much ado about somethings

PG Rating: Very very very very long post.

Update Java and get Open Office Free” says a bubble above the Java Update button in my Windows task bar. “Free Open Office ????" Am I missing something here, like has Freeware become “Paidware”? In which case Microsoft must be doubled over with laughter tears streaming down their face going “hahahahahahahaha Copycats!!! Gotcha again!!!!!!”

Tsk tsk

I press the download button. I half expected Windows XP to pop up a bubble that says “Nahiiiiiin!!! But nothing of that sort happened. Well something did happen, like it playfully tried to kill Java by hanging the system a couple of times. But after a couple of rebooting it sort of got the message that I was going to download the Java Update anyway. Java happily downloaded itself while it educated me that “Java is found everywhere” and that I was so lucky to get it (!!!) (Note to self: Find out what is Java and why is it downloading onto my PC?)

Now readers might detect a faint animosity towards Open Office in my posts. Well it is true that I hate Open Office. (Allow me a moment to pat myself on the back for hiding my animosity so well).

Now I am no Microsoft fan. I don’t care if MS Windows and MS Office were made by Pyarelal Ghanshyamdas Popatlal and Sons. Really!!! The name or the brand does not matter. I am too used to MS Office and I found Open Office and Thunderbird a pain to deal with for the six months I used it.

For people who are foaming in the mouth at the very mention of the word “Microsoft” let me in consideration of your feelings and sentiments use a totally harmless pseudonym “Bill Gates Office and Bill Gates Outlook” to avoid you all from dying of dehydration. I am sure ‘Bill Gates’ is a safe enough pseudonym to use for MS, for the benefit of all Open Office/ Thunderbird lovers who read my posts written on MS Word and sent home using MS Outlook so that I can post it from my home PC which has Windows XP. The precaution is to keep my Sysadmin from finding out that it was me who wrote about him in this post which someone kindly forwarded to him. Of course I am not scared of him or anything remotely like that. But the specter of the Syssie replacing my sleek HP laptop with an old rickety Toshiba Tecra M3 Laptop is the stuff my nightmares are made up of. *shudder*

Let me explain why I like some of the applications from Mr Bill Gates.

For starters, I have every chore that needs to be done, saved on the BG Outlook calendar. So every 5 minutes I get a pop up window telling me that I was supposed to wish my friend a very Happy Birthday fourteen days ago. This is when I reach for the bottom drawer of my table and nonchalantly pull out the bundle of “Belated Happy Birthday” cards, sign one with a flourish and send it to the mail room for dispatch. See how useful it is?????

And then the S + facility or the facility to send a “Meeting Request” and block people’s calendar is something I swear by. It is something my Boss also swears by and right now he is swearing very fluently. I am now sitting in the Ladies Toilet with my lappie. Of course it is not because I am blogging from office silly!! I am furiously canceling all the meeting requests I had sent to my Boss blocking his calendar which made him miss his grandchild’s naming ceremony, his sons wedding, his wife’s mother’s funeral and a summons from the court for a traffic violation. Such is the power the “Meeting Request” option in Bill Gates Outlook. See how convenient it is???

(..and if you are wondering why I am sitting in the toilet, it is because my Boss is a thorough gentleman you see. He will never enter the ladies toilet no matter what I have done. And you guessed right...I do spend a considerable amount of time in here )

Ever tried the ‘Bill Gates Live Meeting’? I do it all the time…and I get the same result... “Please download Live Meeting” Now after downloading Live Meeting, you sign in and enter the meeting area which is actually a small window that pops up on your monitor. You can see a screen and a small box with seating arrangements. Your name will automatically get added to one of the seats and you can see the meeting moderator’s cursor moving back and forth on the screen.

You can see people typing questions chumma just like that. The moderator ignores the questions because psssst methinks the questions are technically inferior and insults his intelligence. It is when the moderator calls me on my office land line and shrieks “Anju why aren’t you answering my questions???” that he realizes that no one has audio. After an unsuccessful attempt by all of us to configure the audio you will see the moderator desperately typing on the screen “This meeting is adjourned so that we can set up a conference call via Tata Indicom so that everyone can hear me during the Live Meeting*sigh* err I mean see how hi tech meeting have become because of BG!!!!

And psssssst before I sign off let me tell you about the immense possibilities of another feature in BG Outlook 2007. Something I use with great effect. Did you know you can send a “Confidential Mail” that needs signature verification for the recipient to open and read the same? Heh heh think of the possibilities!!! Send you arch enemy a series of mails that he is not authorized to open with an intriguing ‘Subject’ and see him tearing his hair out in frustration when he cannot open the mail. He will of course be BCC’ed and the mail will of course be blank. Muahahahahah Of course it doesn’t matter that you will be tearing your hair out in frustration in the next cubicle when your system reboots for the 724th time while you try to open their “Confidential” reply. But see how secure the system is ????

And lastly let me end this rather long post by promising solemnly, that if I win that 'Open Office', I will award it to the 'anti BG' person who foamed the least in the mouth while reading this post. God promise!


ap said...

Open Office for free!!!!!!!
May be they thought u are dumbo or something??? ;)

Alexis said...

Rollicking post... Still ROTFL

Windows and MS Office were made by Pyarelal Ghanshyamdas Popatlal and Sons. More ROTFL

Excellent post. May be you should send the link to Bill Gates ;-)

CarbonMonoxide said...

aaah !! I like BG Office, specailly the 2007 version. :D .I havent used outlook . Never knew of all this wonderful possibilities { note to self : tell all at office and ... [evil grin] }

Mind Curry said...

'open office free' musta opened something in your system it looks like :)

(Note to self: Find out what is Java and why is it downloading onto my PC?).

(Allow me a moment to pat myself on the back for hiding my animosity so well).

these 2 lines were absolutely hilarious! awesome!

Amey said...

Hmm... I am a big freeware user, for the simple reason that it is "free".

And I must say, Thunderbird is easier to use than Outlook for personal use, but official use will be mostly Outlook, since almost all company networks are set up that way.

That said, if you are in college networks, Mozilla is new MS ;)

Abhi said...

I feel if customers like u continue to patronise BG's products, soon he'll be back @ the top of the forbes list, no matter how much Ambani's share value has appreciated.

Hilarious post as usual! I've heard so many ppl bitching abt MS products and had to hear a lot from my pals in college. Bt then no1 could put those swearing words in a better way than you did!

PS:Ur sysadmin MIGHT hav seen the last post and maybe that's why he retorted with a crappy laptop for u! Enjaaaayyyyyyyyy!

Adorable Pancreas said...

Ah, gone are the days when I used Linux. I ddn't foam at the mouth, but I did have seizures. Do I get Open Office?

claytonia vices said...

Being a Dave Barry fan, I would like to point out that 'Anti BG' would make a nice name for a rock band. ;-)

Unknown said...

Hilarious! :)

Anonymous said...

You should try Evolution. It's much better than BG Outlook.

silverine said...

AP: The offer was not only for me, but for all updates.

Alexis: Thank you!! As usual you got the post :)

thedawg: lol!! You are going to be very popular :P

MC: Thank you :)

Amey: I prefer BG ;)

Abhi: Thanks buddy :)

adorable pancreas: lol!! That was a good one!!! :))

CV: That was so Dave Barry'ish :))

Joe: Thank you :)

Mathew: No thanks!

mathew said... is true many people swear by open office..but a good chunk swear just to make a statement of being a rebel..or coz they thought it was cool to support somthin else just for the heck of it.. ;-P

Pyarelal Ghanshyamdas Popatlal and Sons..thats a very creative name..they sound as cool as Mercedes Benz.. ;-P

mathew said...

The above comment has been written by a different mathew and not one among the apostles or the commenter further above.;-P

Sidin said...

Guahahaha... Hilarity ensued...

Open Office overall feels like a fake Chinese rip off of Bill Gates & Co. no?

Much enjoying this post.

Though this is the first time it occured to me that thou art female.

How you doin...

Amey said...

If you are using computer as a tool (and nothing more), MS products are very user friendly, as easy to learn (I heard Office '07 is bad though).

Like my cousin told me. Russian fighters are better, but American are more pilot-friendly.

Anonymous said...

Hey, do u work for Microsoft? Coz as far as I know, the term S+ is used mostly there only... :)

silverine said...

mathew: Its true, easy to preach, hard to practise :)

sidin: "Open Office overall feels like a fake Chinese rip off of Bill Gates & Co. no?"

And thanks a ton for dropping by!:)

Amey: Good observation...acually I am not for or against any brand , it is the hypocrites who piss me off :)

coco captive: Not any more. It is a common word now.

Amey said...

Yup, I too have nothing against any brand, as long as I can get my hands on the product, and I can use it as I like.

I think there is something missing in that sentence.

rayshma said...

blog-hopping by... *smiled*
AND empathized.
so this is to say "i was here" to a fellow cancerian!
nice blog :)

Usha said...

The free open-office i guess has got to do with the expanded use of Java in Open Office of late + Sun's aggressive marketing of the Sun-Java brand and getting more mileage (in terms of visisbility) any which way possible.

and about the thunderbird thing, I've been using it for the past couple of years and have realised im liking it a lot over Outlook which I've been using for over half a decade at work!
the same goes for Firefox against IE.
Though i must confess, the inertia with MS tools was something to deal with! :)

Nasia said...

wat an awesome post!!!
my lead once did that meeting thingie with all of us.. till i screamed out from my bay.. I KNOW!! AND I WILL BE THERE.. PLEASE STOP THE MADNESS.. !!

Anonymous said...

a confidential mail with the intriguing subject.. now who needs nukes! :P

ദീപു : sandeep said...

Just read your latest post.... ROFL still... new here. now going to dig the archives....


I got some 20 odd mails from my friends saying BG is distributing his fortune among all who forward the mail... and some even had screen shots of bank tansactions as their proof... and finally one guy responded to one of such mails giving all details to prove it wrong/spam.

Anonymous said...

great post.. hehe.. had a nice good laugh.. after spending a day coding in YAVA... ;)

Anoop Alias said...

I am a Messenger from the Kingdom of Penguins.My name is Gabriel

And so at last the beast fell and the unbelievers rejoiced.
But all was not lost, for from the ash rose a great bird(She was christened ThunderBird).
The bird gazed down upon the unbelievers and cast fire
and thunder upon them. For the beast had been
reborn with its strength renewed, and the
followers of Mammon cowered in horror.

from The Book of Mozilla, 7:15

Anonymous said...

Alameen said...

Felt like a good presentation of BG products...

Almost all BG products are very very user friendly..

I would like to promote the FireFox browser which I like a lot, through your comment section :)

Every1 here,
If you haven't tried it till now, this is the right time ..

Chill out..

Anonymous said...

ROTFL!! This was hilarious!! Am sending this to all the BG folks I know!