Return to sanity

I am on my way back from Colombo to Bangalore. The aeroplane resembles a flying zoo. The guy next to me, a middle aged Buddhist pilgrim from Sri Lanka is eating paneer kofta curry mixed with gajar halwa. Oh well! I guess if we can make dahi vadas then why cannot he make a gajar halwa paneer kofta? To each his own I say! Next to him is his old mother wearing that lovely Sri Lankan saree. She has spooned the gajar halwa into her pulao and seems to be enjoying it very much. I call the stewardess and give her back my tray and ask for an air sickness bag. Must be the turbulence. After the meal the stewardess comes around with tea and coffee. I close my eyes as a precaution. When I open my eyes I see lots of open salt and pepper packets with the packets of sugar and creamer. Now I am feeling definitely squeamish.

I decide to read the Budget Analysis in the newspaper. Wrong move. Before I could say 'Holy Pranab', I was heaving into the Air Sickness bag. The proposed prices of some commodities were nauseating!!

Middle aged man was now looking at the aircraft safety instruction sheet. I was sure he could not do any thing squeamish with that. But I was wrong. He was showing it to his mom and both were trying to read the Hindi instructions. That’s when I realized that I was in the Twilight Zone. I remember my favorite episode of that ambiguous program called "To Serve Man". And I shudder.

Mama was now opening a packet of freshener with which she cleaned her spectacles assiduously. Her once clean spectacles now had a thin film of Cologne stain. Then she put on her spectacles and tried to read the In-flight Magazine. She gave up after some time. Her glasses were distinctly cloudy now. I was tempted to snatch the spectacles from her and clean it with a dry tissue. With great difficulty I refrained myself as she got up and stumbled onto seats, stewardesses and toes on her way to the toilet. I tried not to think of the carnage in the loo.

Middle aged man got up and went to fetch her. That’s when I saw that they were part of a big group going to Gaya. Everyone was asleep after the big meal of Paneer Kofta Gajar Halwa washed down with tea or coffee with pepper, salt, sugar and creamer. They were all volcanoes waiting to erupt. God save me when we make the landing approach…cos they had stuffed the cutlery and bottle of water into the air sickness bags!!!

I got up and quickly changed my seat. I was told that they had a trouble free landing. Next time I know what to tell people suffering from air sickness. Yes, you are right. It is Paneer Kofta Gajar Halwa washed down with tea or coffee mixed with pepper, salt, sugar and creamer with airline cutlery and bottle of water stuffed into air sickness bags!!

And before anyone here gets ideas, I am patenting this!

p.s. No offense meant to anyone please. Please refrain from giving me gaalis in Sinhalese.

Have a crackling and fun week folks!

A tuesday revelation

So everybody here is into the new week yeah! I am sure you all got out of bed in a jiffy and got ready with a smile on your lips and a song in your heart. Tuesday sure is a lovely day isn’t it? Tuesday means - only three more days to Friday!Nice!

I am looking forward to this week too. (The keyword is “this week” folks. I am no shallow work loving person.) There is a lot that is happening in office and I am not talking about work. We have several new people who have joined us and each one is a one man/woman entertainment show.

Last week a new HR executive joined us. In order to keep her busy and out of her hair, the HR Manager delegated her with the task of preparing a report on the comings and goings (a.k.a attendance record) of the people working here. After a week of intense study of the company Access Card data, she submitted her findings to the HR manager. It made a very umm interesting read and we came to know of some hitherto unknown fact about our colleagues.

According to the report…

1. My boss reported for work on the first day of work and after signing out in the evening has never come to the office again. HR Exec has recommended a missing persons report to be filed at the nearest police station.

2. Yours truly does not exist. She is yet to come to work. Perhaps her offer letter is pending.

3. Foxy has been living in this building for the past five years and the HR executive is very worried about him. No, she is not worried about his lack of time off. She is concerned that he may be working in the same clothes for the past five years.

4. The Marketing Managers in this organization come to work only for 30 minutes after which they sign out and go home.

5. The IT Architect comes to work some times but prefers to work in the Camera Control Room. (Note to self: He is till trying to find out who switches off his Servers! Damn!)

6. The only sign of life in this building are Visitors and Pizza Delivery boys, Juice Delivery boys and Cigarette delivery boys.

7. The only people who come to work in this building are Housekeeping Staff, Maintenance Staff, Security Staff and the catering people.

8. The company urgently needs to hire a CEO, COO, CTO and other top Management people. There is no evidence of the people hired for the job.

9. Ms. Blah Blah is the only person who comes to work in the morning and leaves in the evening. Considering the general trend in the office, HR Exec feels that Ms Blah Blah should be sent for a medical test to evaluate her abnormal behavior.

10. All male staff seem to enter and exit the Smoking Section of the Terrace frequently. But there is no record of them entering the building. This paranormal phenomenon occurs every one hour for some people, every two hours for some and every half an hour for the majority. HR Exec did try to solve the mystery but could not see much in the dense smoke.

I know what you all are thinking and I agree with you. That HR Executive should be fired!

And now for some good news! After the release of the report I was once again awarded The Tailgater of the Year Award. Thank you for the applause. I humbly acknowledge your admiration, appreciation, wonder, awe and absolute devotion!

Have a nice week folks!

How to make a Chinese Film in four easy steps.

(Note: This is a free tutorial. But I live hand to mouth so do leave a donation. Really large donations would be welcome and preferred. You are under no obligation to donate but if you don’t, you will rot in hell and it is really hot in there I tell you.)


Ingredients for the movie.

1. 1 Good looking Chinese guy knowing the martial arts
2. 1 Good looking Chinese girl knowing the martial arts.
3. 1 Sinister looking Chinese villain knowing the martial arts and dreadful PJ's delivered with a straight face
4. Several dumb followers of the villain also knowing the martial arts.
5. 1 Fragile old martial warrior capable of mouthing corny philosophy with a straight face.
6. 1 thingy, lets call it The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja or some other crap that is the prize every one with fight over and which more or less makes up the plot of the movie.
7. Awful lot of what we have come to believe is Chinese Music


Scene one: China 14th BC.

The good looking Chinese guy who is obviously the Hero is sleeping in his bedroom and into the room appears from amongst billowing blue and yellow smoke an apparition. The apparition who is an old frail Chinese man (Ingredient No. 5) informs the Hero that he has been pre ordained by the Venerable One who lives in the land of the Fire Breathing Dragons to be the next inheritor of The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja. Hero nearly craps in his bed when he sees the apparition

Apparition: *cough* *cough*
Hero: You have an awful cough!
Apparition: Its this stupid smoke!
Hero: Why are you appearing out of smoke then?
Apparition: It is a special effect bozo. The audience likes it!
Hero (bowing deeply): Forgive me O Learned One.

The apparition disappears and appears again because he has forgotten to give the Hero the directions to the Valley of a Thousand Sighs where The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja is kept atop a mountain in The Imperial Pagoda. The apparition then disappears again…temporarily.


Scene Two

Hero sets off to the Valley of a Thousand Sighs on foot followed at a distance by the Villain's men who have listened into the conversation between the Hero and the Apparition. The day turns dark and the Hero takes rest under a tree in the night. Just when he is falling asleep he is attacked by the Villain’s men. What follows is a fine display of Middle School Geometry as you see limbs flying in Acute, Obtuse and Straight Angles all over the place accompanied by awful grunts and feminine screeches. Amidst this fine display of Geometric Angles of Limbs (a.k.a Martial Arts) comes the Villain. He was waiting patiently somewhere for his men to get beaten to pulp and now he takes on the Hero. The Hero and the Villain eye each other warily through indistinguishable eyes, hands extended as though squeezing the neck of a really large necked man. They move in circles, first clockwise, then counter clockwise and then clockwise. Into this scenario arrives the good looking Chinese girl wearing a veil. Villain makes sexist jokes leering at her lustily. She plunges at the Villain in an amazing display of Geometric Angles of Limbs beneath Diaphanous Gown and the two manage to chase the Villain away. After the departure of the Villain the girl bows deeply and explains that she is the daughter of the Enlightened One who sits on the Mountains of Silver Mist and that she has been assigned to assist him. The Hero bows back and when he straightens up she has disappeared into the forest. The Hero vows never to bow too deeply again!

Scene three

Our Hero reaches the mountain and sees a languid pool of water called The Lake of a Thousand Tears. Here he is again confronted by the Villain’s men who have made an instantaneous recovery from their earlier thrashings. Another fine display of Geometric Angles of the Limbs this time on the mountainside and then the Hero departs on his way. After negotiating 5678 hair pins bends the Hero is ambushed by the Villain who delivers him a mortal blow with his sword. Hero is left to die and he is peacefully snoring on the road when the apparition reappears scaring the crap out of him again. The apparition reminds the Hero of his task.

Apparition: You have many tasks to accomplish before you sleep like a log that has been washed over by The Raging Dragon Sea!
Hero: Huh?
Apparition: Do you not know that by the time the sun sets over The Realm of Darkness the Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja should be removed from The Imperial Pagoda!!
Hero: Err could you please repeat that!
Apparition: Sigh!


Scene Four

Hero reaches The Imperial Pagoda only to be confronted by the Villain and you are treated to another hour spectacularly boring Geometric Angles of the Limbs which is an exact replica of previous Geometric Angles of the Limbs. This time however the Hero wins the Battle of the Geometric Angle of Limbs and manages to remove The Emerald Sword of the Ninth Ninja from The Imperial Pagoda a fraction of a second before the sun sets over the Realm of Darkness. Phew! Chinese music flows over the credits that sound surprisingly like the rendition of what some orchestra in Los Angeles thinks is Chinese music.

THE END!

This post is dedicated to my brother M who has single handedly kept the Hong Kong movie industry alive and kicking (pun unintended) by buying every$#%@& movie that they come out with!

That’s it folks. Have a nice week and do not forget to donate.

Snakes in the grass

Long time ago...like three days ago, four girls were sitting on the green grass of the lawns sipping their favorite poisons. It was not a Friday night or a Saturday night either. But they were childhood buddies who did not need a weekend to share a tipple.

It is pre monsoon season here in Bangalore and mozzy’s (mosquitoes) were feasting on the alcohol laden blood of the four girls. After the first sip most of them passed out into deep inebriated slumbers. The one’s that did not, dare not approach us for a second round. (Alcohol tolerance amongst mozzys is alarmingly low). Suddenly, one of the girls leans over and hits a newly arrived and hence un-drunk mozzy feasting delicately off an artery on her feet. ( Mozzy’s are gourmands. They don’t sup on lowly “veins”). Then she leans over to inspect the kill and lets out a shrill shriek.

“Snake!!” she screams. Four inebriated girls take off vertically into the air with the alacrity of sober people and land with resounding thuds a few feet away. Jumping up and down on one leg and gesticulating wildly at her ankles the afflicted girl struggles to give words to her horror.

‘Snake...bite...feet...big…no…small…leg...blood…mommy” she babbles. The ensuing pandemonium was err umm interesting.

Snake? Are you sure it was a snake?
Yes!!
Sure?
Yes!!!
Doubly sure??
Shut the eff up and do something!
What if it was a cockroach?
*thwack!!!!!*

Hearing the ruckus Dad and Mom are out in a jiffy before we could hide all the bottles and leave a respectable few to show how less we had drank or were drunk. Dad as usual decides to take charge of the situation.

How big was the snake?
Small.
How small.
This much (showing her pinky)
It must have been a baby snake then!
Will I die?
Mmm no!
*whew*
Or maybe...yes!
!!!!

The victim of the alleged snake (no snake is guilty until its victim dies) bite, lets call her AV is rushed to the nearest hospital after Mom and Dad have bandaged her foot above the wound. This operation was carried out in an amazing display of team work and coordination.

All this wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t allow the girls to sit out so late!!
You are right! Even the snakes disapprove I see.
Hmmph!
Come to think of it they were sitting out on the day Mumbai was attacked too.
*frosty silence*
And when the US dropped a bomb on Hiroshima!
*SLAM!!*

On the way to the hospital the girls keep the AV’s spirits up by amusing her with interesting conversations.

If it was a Black Mamba you would be dead by now. It takes just 15 minutes for its venom to act.
A Cobra is faster! It takes only a few minutes!!
It could not have been a Black Mamba. They are not found in India. So it has to be a Cobra.
No re. A Cobra would have killed her by now. I am sure it was a Viper.
Why?
I dunno. We have already ruled out the other snakes that inhabit our area no!
*sob*

We arrive in good time at the hospital. The doctor, a family friend of a family friend’s cousin was waiting for us.

Doc: You still alive! That’s a good sign heh heh
AV: Does this mean the snake was not poisonous?
Doc: It means I still have time to administer the antidote heh heh
AV: *sniff*
Doc: How did the snake look like?
AV: Light brown!
Doc: Any markings?
AV: No, but its tail resembled a Rattle Snake’s!
Doc: Well Rattle Snakes are not found in India so it has to be Rat Snake.
AV: Is it poisonous?
Doc: No!
AV: *Whew*
Doc: But it was not a Rat Snake then it might be.
AV: *gulp*

The doctor turns her ankle and inspects the wound. Then he turns her ankle around again and then stands up and scratches her head. It was the Dad’s turn to be worried.

Anything wrong?
I cannot see any bite mark!
What’s that red mark?
That’s probably a bug bite or a skin inflammation.
Are you sure?
Yes!
It was a baby snake I am told.
Baby snakes can be poisonous too.
Oh!
Well…I will give the antidote just in case. But if you can find out what snake it was it would very helpful.

It is 2 am and four beleaguered girls and a parent stumble home all beat. The three friends decide that they would go out and take a look to see if they can find the baby snake. It had to be dead or in a deep state of inebriation. Either way it wouldn’t have gotten away very far. Perhaps they could save their friends life by taking it to the doctor for identification they thought!! So armed with good intentions and really bad torches the three brave girls went out in quest of the body and came back just as quickly. The corpse of the “snake” was there alright. But by some miraculous physical transformation it had become an Earthworm!!!

You could hear a pin drop in the silence that ensued. We looked at the silent house, at the corpse and at each other and solemnly agreed that what the people in the house did not know, wouldn’t hurt us too much.

Note to self: Next time, look before you leap!

Obvious abuse

The racist attacks on Indian students in Australia and the subsequent diplomatic and political fallout is being exploited to the hilt by the electronic media here. After the elections this was a God send scrap for them or we would have reporters screeching to us from the Brazilian coast, telling us how high the waves are and how cold the wind is and how difficult is the rescue operations for the Brazilian rescue teams combing the high seas for victims of the Air France crash.

Reporter to rescue worker: The winds are strong huh?
RW: Yes ma’am
Reporter: Tho appako kaisa mahsoos ho raha hai?
RW: Huh?
Reporter: I mean, what do you feel about the strong gales and choppy sea?
RW: Errm...

Back at the studios a retired Aviation Expert will be pulled out from his bed pyjama and all, to give his expert opinion on air.

Journo: Take a look at the report on the monitor. It says that this aircraft had two engines for long haul.
AE : Any kid will tell you that.
Journo (earnestly): And according to Google err our research, the aircraft had two wings too just in case one malfunctions!
AE: Sigh!
Journo: And the aircraft had two sets of landing gear!
AE: Heh!
Journo: See the chart we have prepared…
AE: That looks exactly like the chart at Aircraft dot com!!
Journo: According to the chart this aircraft can carry 253 passengers in a three-class configuration for 12,500 km!!
AE (rolling his eyes) : You are kidding me!
Journo (excitedly): And so...!!! It is a mystery why such a state-of-the-art aircraft running on a bleeding edge technology and cutting edge navigation tools crashed!
AE: I give up!

Have a great weekend friends! And let’s pray for the departed souls and their relations and especially for our electronic media to spare us from the obvious abuse!

Guinea Pig Chronicles

Guinea pig No 1*: What is this blue goo?
Me: It is grape soufflé!
GP No 1: Yum!

*I love my second elder bro sometimes. He eats anything I put in front of him.

Guinea Pig No 2: Before I eat this, would you please tell my Doctor to be on standby!
GP No 1: If you are not eating that, may I have it?
Me: It is not that fatty Dad!! If you are so bothered don’t eat the cheese topping.
GP No 1: Yes, slide it into my plate.
GP No 2: And what is inside the Lasagna?
Me: Beef mince Dad!
GP No 2: Hmmm that’s red meat no?
GP No 1: You are right Dad!! Let me scrape it off for you....into my plate.
GP No 2 (looking woebegone at his lasagna sheets): This looks so unappetizing.
GP No 1: If you are not having it, I will have it.
GP No 2: Well the doctor has said that I can have red meat occasionally...
GP No 1: You had beef just the other day!
GP No 2: That was a month back son!
GP No1: That was just four weeks back Dad!
GP No 2: Maybe I should pass...
GP No1 (helping himself): Thanks!


Guinea Pig No 3: What is this?
Me: Paneer Kofta Curry ma.
GP No 3: What is a kofta?
Me: It is a fried paneer ball.
GP No 3: Looks very oily!
Me: It is a bit rich.
GP No 3: And very salty!
Me: Tastes perfect to me.
GP No 3: Don’t serve your Dad, he needs to watch his diet.
Me: I don’t think a little will do any harm.
GP No 3: It’s too rich!
Me: Then don’t eat it.
GP No 3: I am offering constructive criticism here. Why are you getting angry?
Me: What do you know about North Indian food anyway to offer criticism Amma?
GP No 3 (airily): You don’t need to know a certain cuisine to comment on it. Experienced cooks like us know when something is wrong.
Me: I will not lose my temper, I will not lose my temper, I will not lose my temper!
GP No 3: And I think a pinch of sugar would have rounded off the taste nicely.
Me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8….
GP No 3: And you have put too much coriander.
Me: 9,10,11,12,13,14…
GP No 3: And you should have shallow fried the koftas...
Me: 1001, 1002, 1003, 1004...
GP No 1: I do not care if it is salty or too oily…it is delicious!
GP No 3: That is because your stomach is a bottomless pit!!!
GP No 1: Are you having that kofta?

(And that’s why he is Guinea Pig No 1. Kapiche?)


Guinea Pig No 4: Who made this Biryani?
GP No 3: Your sister who else!!
GP No 4: It is heavenly!!!
GP No 3: You haven’t tasted it yet!
GP No 4: Doesn’t matter Amma. I know it will be good.
GP No 3: No one appreciates my cooking here!!
GP No 2: Your brothers think you are Julia Child.
GP No 3: They are used to good cooking that’s why!
GP No 2: Of course!! When you get tasteless beef fry and over spiced fish fry and bland fish curry day in and day out you will appreciate anything!
GP No 3: I am going to sleep hmmpphh!!
GP No 1: If you are not having your payasam may I have it?

( Guinea Pig No 4 err I mean my eldest brother is da greatest! )

And to conclude let me sum up the lesson for you all. Guinea pigs are very important creatures in the field of Culinary Science and R&D. Some are willing, some unwilling, some opinionated, some rebellious, but at the end of the day they are all guinea pigs. You just got to make them feel they are not.

May God speed this week. May the wind of a thousand typhoons blow it to weekend quickly! Amen.

Weekender

Saw the weirdest thing today! It is raining cats and dogs and buckets here and my neighbor uncle is - you wont believe this- washing his car with a Hozelock Ultra 9 Hose Water Gun.

The car is parked outside in the rain! :-|

And it gets weirder...

Uncle is sheltered under an umbrella. And his son is holding the umbrella.

No, I haven't been drinking. Too early you see.

Nice gun though. (Note to self - steal err borrow it)

Have a great weekend friends!!

The neighbour-brood

I have this Aunty from hell err Kottayam. She is my neighbor actually. Aundy lets call her Susannah, has eleventy hundred relations. Not uncommon for a mallu from my part of the kundry. However she is one of a kind.

Aundy (spotting my mom): Ketto! My niece Ruby is coming from Pattanamthitta!
Mom: Ruby?
Aundy: I told you no! She is Elsy’s elder daughter!
Mom: Elsy?
Aundy: Tch you forgot…remember I told you about Babymon's accident last year…he fell from the motor room roof…Elsy is his mom!
Mom: hmmm...
Me: Of course Amma remembers him Aundy! * fierce look at my ma* don’t you ma?
Mom (uncomfortably): Actually no.
Aundy: Aiyyo…let me refresh your memory. Do you remember Sunny who came here last month?
Mom: Was he the guy with soda glasses.
Aundy: No!!! That was Sijumon. Sunny had the burn mark on his cheek.
Mom: Oh yes! I remember.
Aundy: Sunny’s first cousin is Babymon.
Mom (miserably): Oh!
Me: *whew*
Aundy: You want anything from Pattanamthitta?
Mom: No thanks!

Evening:

Aundy: Ketto leelamme!!
Me: You open your mouth and I will gag you with a towel.
Mom: But she is calling me.
Aundy: Leelamme!! Leeeelamme!
Me: Don’t you dare open your mouth!
Mom: Don’t be rude. She is calling me.
Aundy: LEELAMME!!!
Mom: Endho! (Yes)
Aundy (peeping over the wall): Ruby has come! *grin*
Mom: Please bring her home sometime.
Me: I cannot believe you said that. Did you just say that!!!
Mom (ignoring me): Do bring her over for lunch tomorrow.
Aundy: Of course!! I have told her all about you all.
Me: @#%$#

Day two at the dining table:

Aundy (to Ruby): Leelamma is a very good cook like Shirly aunty.
Me: Don’t ask who is Shirley!
Mom: Who is Shirley?
Me: !!!!!
Aundy: She is Thomachanpappans daughter. Remember the guy who left priesthood?
Mom: No!
Me: :-O
Aundy: Remember I told you about my Uncle Antony who used to work in Malaysia?
Mom: I vaguely remember…
Aundy: Shirley is his wife’s sister!
Mom: Oh!
Aundy: Ruby’s parents are looking for a suitable boy for her.
Mom: Really! Well I hope they find someone soon!
Aundy: Her uncle George…remember I told you about him…
Me: Of course she remembers. More payasam... anyone?
Mom: No.
Me: Jesus Christ!!!
Aundy: Remember I went for my nieces daughters wedding last year?
Me: Of course!
Aundy: Podi! I am talking to your mother!
Mom: I frankly don’t remember.
Me: I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!!
Aundy: George is her Dad.
Mom: Oh ok!
Aundy: Which George are you thinking about?
Me (tremulously): Cake anyone?
Mom: err…ahem
Aundy: Not the George from Changanassery who works for Aramco, this George is my mom’s brother who lives in Mumbai. I told you about him!!
Mom: Mmm...
Aundy: Heh heh Leelamme, you are not paying attention these days.
Me: She is growing old. She can hardly remember anything these days.
Mom (annoyed): My memory is just fine hmmpphh!
Aundy: Ha ha see I told you!
Me (dryly): Then its selective recall I guess!
Aundy: You are getting too big for your boots!! I know what you just said has a double meaning!! My nephew Arun in Goa is just like you!!
Mom: Arun?
Me: *groan*

Did I say Aundy was one of a kind? I eat my words.

Post Poll Analysis for Dummies

Now that the elections are over and we know who won and who lost, it is time to introspect and analyze why some parties lost while some picked up significant amount of seats and goodwill. Post Poll Analysis or Post Election Analysis is a complex topic to blog about and we need to break down the socio-economic and socio-political factors to gain a better understanding of the same. This tutorial will help you quickly and accurately analyze why some parties lost the elections so that you can prepare a comprehensive analysis to be published in your blog/website which nobody is going to read anyway.

Step one: Pick a defeated political party. Now that you know they have lost, it becomes easy to analyze why they lost.

Step two: Study their election promises and election campaign carefully. You are now ready to offer a definitive post poll analysis on why they lost the elections.

Step three: Carefully take each and every gesture of the party before elections and blame it squarely for their election debacle.

For instance –

1. The XYZ Party’s promise to increase/decrease fertilizer subsidy did not go down well with farmers as it actually works against the interest of the farmers. (Expand a bit with some research over Google)

2. The XYZ Party’s personal attacks on the winning party’s ministerial candidates did not go down well with the voters (like they care).

3. The ABC Party has lost touch with the people and that was another reason for their debacle. (This works all the time.)

4. The party lost the powerful vote bank of youth/women/gays due to their anti youth/women/gay policies. (Get creative, don’t stop at youth/women/gay. You may use other factors like Coca Cola, Oreo Biscuits and Proprietary Software.)

5. The leader of the party was not acceptable to the people and he also did not have the support of party cadres. (Works like a charm. No questions asked)

6. The election campaign of the party turned off voters. For example – People did not like the Web Banners, Posters, Brand of shoe thrown at candidate, Slogans, Bhashans etc. On the other hand the election campaign of the winning party was liked by the voters.

7. Blame the weather e.g lack of monsoons led to destruction of crops or excess monsoons that killed standing crops and led to the disenchantment of farmers.

8. If you are pro Losing Party then blame everything else that can be blamed like the color of the EVM Machines to the uniforms of security personnel. Alternatively if you are pro Winning Party then write that this debacle of the Losing Party is the beginning of their end.

9. Last but not the least DO NOT give credit to the voter for casting the vote in favor of things that matter to him/her. (He/She is of no consequence. Ignore Him/Her)

10. Garnish your analysis with a clever headline like – Reasons for the Failure of XYZ! or Why XYZ lost the Elections! and serve with your name by the side. Argue with commenter’s who may not agree with you, grudgingly accept the criticism of commenter's who uses above technique to present a counter point and enjoy the heated discussions in the comment box with a glass of chilled beer.

You have now arrived as a Post Poll Analyst!! Enjoy your two minutes of fame!

The amateurs guide to rain making!

Are you fed up of dark skies, thunder and lightening and heavy winds with no sign of rains like us in this corner of Bangalore?

Are you fed up of the prolonged hot and humid weather with no respite which makes you feel hot and sweaty and icky?

Does the weather makes your hair frizzy and your face oily and make you look less attractive?

If you have answered in the affirmative to any one of the above question then I have just the remedy for you. The Silverine Rain Maker ™ is a tried and tested and ISI certified remedy that will make the tardy clouds let go of their precious cargo giving you relief from heat, humidity and oily skin within seconds. Follow these instructions carefully and you will soon be making rain like a professional and be the envy of the neighborhood.


1. Remove all the curtains, bed sheets, blankets, towels etc in your house and wash them nicely. Now hang them up to dry in the open.

Possibility of rain in 10 minutes - 97 %
Possibility of rain after they are nearly dry – 100%

2. Now take out all the heavy mattresses and Sofas from the house and put them out to air.

Possibility of rain – 98%
Possibility of a cloud burst – 100%

3. Throw a party in your garden or terrace. Make sure you do not hire any Shamiana or covering of any kind. Lay out the tables tastefully with table cloth and flower arrangements. Arrange an elaborate bar on one side of the lawn/terrace. Set the buffet table on the other side of the lawn/terrace.

Possibility of a rain before guests arrive – 95%.
Possibility of an electrical storm after all the guest have arrived - 100%

4. Organize a picnic for the family, friends or relatives in an area away from inhabitation like a remote lake or field.

Possibilities of rain before you start for the picnic spot - 98%.
Possibility of gusty winds, heavy rain, hailstones and lightening after you have reached the picnic spot and laid out the food- 100%

5. Cut Mangoes, Limes and other vegetables painstakingly for making pickles. Now mix the vegetables with salt and lay them out to dry on your terrace or front yard.

Possibility of rain - Instantaneous

6. Roll out a healthy batch of 500 to 1000 Pappadams/Appalams or any other savory crisps. Now lay them out 5 inches away from each other on newspapers to dry.

Possibility of rain when they are half dry- 98%
Possibility of rain when they are fully dry - 100%

7. Now go to the grocery store and buy one kilo Red Chillies, a kilo of Coriander seeds, a kilo of Jeera and a kilo of Turmeric or other spices. Now put them out on the terrace on newspaper or mats.

Possibility of a hurricane - 100%

8. Block all the drain pipes on your terrace with a cloth.

Possibility of a thunderstorm with cyclone warning – 101%

9. Go for a long walk with your dogs/BF/GF/ or anyone else.

Possibilities of rain after you are 500 meters from home - 0%
Possibilities of rain after you are a kilometer from home- 100%

10. Step out of the house in your best clothes or ordinary wear without your umbrella or rain coat.

Possibility of rain – Money back guranteed!!!

Hindicapped!

There is this guy in our office called SS. SS has been trying to grow a goatee quite unsuccessfully for the past six excruciating months. He does manage to grow a beard but it looks more like an Oxee, Cowiee, Sheepie, Mulee and a Horsey but never a Goatee. I guess you get the picture now from that description. This week he was looking like a Yeti.

Colleague : Can I have a word with you man!
SS (looking up from the keyboard): Sure!
Colleague: Oh my gawd!! The Abominable Snowman!

And he ran away for his life.

We were fed up! So last Sunday we got together in his apartment and while two guys held his hands, two of us shaved his hirsutic ambitions off.

Next day when we all walked into the office people were surprised to a clean shaven SS.

Colleague: Hey SS, teri dhaadi kahan gayi? (Where is your beard?)
Me: We shaved it off!
Colleague (surprised): And he allowed that????
Me: Humne uske saath zabardasthi ki!*

The atmosphere on the floor underwent a dramatic change and people who know Hindi were seen collapsing with laughter like nine pins. Me and my fellow Southies looked around bewildered. These Northies are strange! 8-|

Speaking of office there is a freeze on hiring due to the recession. Team Heads have been advised to hire internally till further notice. The Boss who was desperately trying to get people to join our team from other teams is now flooded with applications. Instead of being happy, he despairs. According to HR instructions, gender diversity has to be maintained at all costs in the office you see. All the applications he received are from males. Poor guy!

Out of the 567 applications he received, 567 applicants out of 567 applicants are willing to work for free if they are allowed to sit next to me. The travails of good looking girls are many I tell you…sigh!

According to a little bird called ‘Sysadmin’ people here are downloading copies of reports like “What makes some people more vulnerable to molestation” etc. by the dozen. Interesting! I saw one copy myself. It says timid people and people with low self esteem are more prone to be victims.

That reminds me…something strange is happening at our floor. Guys from the other floors are seen lurking around the dark corners of the building the moment they spot me heading in that direction. They sport a look of low self esteem and act very timid.

Have a nice week friends.

* p.s. someone just told the meaning of the sentence. How embarrassing!! Meri izzat loot gayi…:(

( For the benefit of clueless Southies like me, Zabardasti means 'to use force or against ones will'. It also has a sidey meaning... 'to molest'. I plead innocence!)

A Grim Tale

Long time ago, in a remote village in ancient India lived a highway robber named Buddhu. Buddhu was a fierce guy and killed anyone who resisted him. He spared no one.

Old lady: Kind Sir I am an old lady. This money is for the treatment of my son who is dying of a disease that will be called Cancer in the next centuries to come.
Buddhu: Thank you granny. I will take the money anyway! Methinks only prayer will cure your son now!

See how cruel he is!!

He looted people day in and day out and led a contented life with his ill begotten wealth. One day he spotted a Monk walking on the road. He jumped in front of the Monk and asked him for his money. The Monk gave him the alms he had gathered by begging and blessed the robber. The robber was taken aback. No one had blessed him before.

"Why did you bless me?" he asked the monk.
"So that you may succeed in all you do!" said the monk smiling serenely.
"But why would you bless someone who robbed you?" asked Buddhu bewildered.
"Because I hold no grudge against you. You did what you had to do to earn your livelihood" said the monk calmly.

Buddhu felt a strange feeling inside of him. He had never felt it before. He went home and narrated the incident to his old mother. His mother smiled and explained that what he felt inside was an emotion.

"What is an emotion ma" he asked blankly.
"It is a feeling" said his mother. "You were moved by the Monk’s kindness" she explained.

The next day Buddhu left for work early. It was the temple festival day and people would start walking towards the temple early. They would be loaded with cash for the festival. Soon he spotted a young couple coming down the road. Buddhu waited till they were near the tree he was hiding on and jumped down in front of them. He liked to surprise his victims. He was a man of style and panache. The young couple clutched at each other startled.

"Give me all your money” snarled Buddhu in a fearsome voice. The young man handed him the bag of cash and Buddhu left them alone. Buddhu counted the money. It was quite a lot. But he felt no elation...strangely. Every time he robbed people he got a heady feeling. But today he did not. The startled faces of the young couple haunted him. He felt like a bully snatching a bottle of milk from a baby. He decided to call it a day and left for home early.

In the night he tossed and turned but could not sleep. The faces of his victims flashed by in his mind like an unending Microsoft PowerPoint 2007 presentation. It was quite horrible. During the presentation the Windows rebooted 17 times. This made him feel worse as the presentation restarted from Slide One. (He did not know how to use the Page Down key you see to fast forward the presentation.) Computers were not invented then and he was sort of stuck that way.

Soon it was dawn. And with the dawn dawned a new man. (Pardon the melodrama.) Buddhu had undergone a miraculous transformation in the night due to the PPT Presentation. He decided that if he were to be born in the 21st Century he will stick to Linux …sorry that should read – Buddhu decided that he would lay down the tools of his bloody trade and become a regular victim err citizen. He conveyed to his mother his decision and she was overcome with mixed emotions.

After breakfast he took the farming implements from the back yard and left for the fields to tend to their crop. He had decided to return to his father’s and ancestor’s profession of farming. On the way he saw several of his victims. They ran away helter skelter in fear. Buddhu reached the fields and placed his lunch under a tree and started work after a prayer to his ancestors. He asked them for forgiveness for having abandoned the family trade and propitiated the Earth goddess to give him a good crop.

By afternoon small groups of people were watching him quizzically. He toiled on ignoring them and the harsh sun. By evening a sizable crowd of people had gathered by the fields. By night they had thrashed him to pulp.

Moral of the story:

1. That Monk was a smart cookie!
2. Buddhu was an idiot.
3. Only fools believe such stories dished out in generous measures in school text books.
4. I never got top marks for this question in school -“What is the moral of the story?”
5. Do not trust ppt presentations.
6. Do not trust people who advice you to change your career. They are merely making sure that you clear the corporate ladder for them.
7. I bet you all thought that Buddhu would turn a new leaf *snicker*

Gotcha big time all of you tee hee. Have a nice week anyways! :p

p.s. more 'moral of the story' welcome. I can never get enough.

Mind Googling achievements!

Where have all the book critics gone? Do we have any famous names in book reviews today? It was not so long ago that the world abounded in book reviews and critics showed the way to new literature. They were a fearless independent and entertaining bunch of people to whom I owe a lot for the mind boggling marks I got for my book review assignments. Copying and pasting is so much easier than writing your own review no? Besides the latter would involve reading the book brrrr

I come from the stables of a college with an English Department that considered Book Reviews to be the be all and end all of English education. Not submitting a book review was considered a sin graver then the Seven Deadly Sins and many an English Professor were convinced that such an act should be made the 8th Deadly sin by the Vatican. Thank god no Professor from my college ever became the President of India or the consequences would be catastrophic!

Minister: Madam President, here is the clemency petition of the terrorist who bombed the parliament.
Prof: hmmm the death sentence does seem harsh!
Minister: But Madam President he attacked the very seat of democracy!
Prof: True! But he did not kill anyone…
Minister: Madam President he defiled the shrine of our constitution!!
Prof: I don’t think…
Minister: Besides Madam President, he was notorious for not submitting his book reviews during English classes!
Prof (screeching): What!!!! Kill! Shoot him! Bomb him! Hang him! Maim him! Wait I will kill the $%#^&@ myself !!!!

Presidential guards rush to restrain the President!

If not submitting a book review was the 8th Deadly Sin then not submitting a Film Review after a Film Appreciation class was the 9th Deadly Sin of the college. While we hoped that we were shown movies like Lady Chatterley’s Lover, what we got was horrible art films that could render one’s brain geriatric in one film sitting.


Hero: But naught the air transfixed thine soul to me.
Heroine: Alas!
Class: zzZZZZZZZZ! snooOORRREE!

The professor who would be sleeping in her front seat would wake up when the snores got louder or someone whispered too loud. Her “ahem” would ring in class like a toy pistol in a war and she would be forced to bang the table to get our attention. As a punishment she would rewind the movie (groan) and we had to watch the horror show again.

Hero: It is but a folly to think that I entertained the very thought of humaneness!
Heroine: Perhaps the black clouds signify something…I can feel an imminent catastrophe in my bosom!
Class: *giggle*
Prof: What is so funny about a catastrophe of the bosom?
Class: ROTFL!!!

After the class settled the Professor would give us an inscrutable look and we cringed at the thought of the next Film Appreciation Class. This lady was formidable. Her collection of absolutely unfathomable movies could zap the brains of Einstein and render him stupid in seconds. One day she bought a movie on the angst of an Art Filmmaker (AF)!

AF (screaming): Ambiguity!!!! Ambiguity!!!! It will be my death! AARRGHH! AARRGHH!
Friend: Your obsession with the artificial construction of reality will be your doom!
AF (screaming): NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friend: Your inner psychological state should be portrayed with more subjective realism and it should be within the bounds of the narrative.
AFM: AARRGHH!!!!!!!!!! *Smashes furniture, vomits and then passes out*
Class: Duh!
Prof: Please submit a review by tomorrow morning.
Class: *gulp*

We were often subject to movies on social issues to “develop” our social consciousness and sensitiveness”

French Revolutionary: This is a prescient moment… it will forever influence the course modern societies in transition would follow!
Lady: The era of revolutions is nigh! This is a decisive event of our lives!
Girl 1: Why isn’t he kissing her?
Girl 2: I think he is a revolutionary.
Girl 3: LOL!!
Girl 4: he he that was funny!
Girl 2: What’s so funny!
Rest of the class: ROFL!!
Prof: For god’s sake what’s so funny about the French Revolution!!!!!

Thank god Film Appreciation Classes were few and we managed to put together a film project after carefully Goolging err I mean after carefully considering the message of the film, the director’s purpose or intention and the theme of the film and comparing other films from the same director/genre. :|

Now if you are wondering why I am looking for book critics …well…we have a book review contest in our Newsletter you see and old habits die hard. :(

Voter ID Complex

The last to last State elections was the first time I had voted. I had my brand new Voters ID card that said that I, Miss Anfadi Phitik was a legitimate voter. I was so proud! My Dad had got his Voter ID card too after sitting in front of the camera at the Election Office and saying his name aloud for 5678 times for four consecutive years. Finally they got the camera working and now he too has a card that says that Mr Phitik is a registered Indian voter.

So I, along with my mom Mrs Lolma Photik ( Leelamma Philip) and my neighbors Mrs Sraksmi ( Mrs. Srilakshmi) and Mrs. Suchla Ree ( Sujatha Rao) went to vote at this government school near my house. The queue outside the polling booth was short. However the queue outside the office that had the Voters List was serpentine. Mr. Harass Joker ( Harish Jadhav) a friend of my dad was pretty agitated. He claimed that his name and that of his wife’s Mrs Soti Jujhave ( Sita Jadhav) were not in the electoral Rolls. His children Atal ( Anil) and Hosita (Hrishita) were also excluded from the list.

I spotted the uncle from the lane behind our house coming towards us. He was fuming. He claimed that the Election Office was trying to hitch a certain Hathi Kumti around his neck. He was already married to Mrs. Hita Kumari. He was so upset that he went home without voting. Mrs. Hathi Kumti err I mean Mrs. Hita Kumari did vote like a good citizen when the officer on duty told her that she need not worry about the name Hathi Kumti and vote under her Serial Number. So did the rest of us.

Elsewhere another drama was happening. Mrs. Lilly Kuriakose was seen chasing her husband around the school demanding to know who Lly Kurkure was. According to the Voter List he was married to a Mrs. Lly Kurkure. The couple was advised to go for counseling by a sympathetic Polling Officer. He even gave them the name of a Marriage Counselor. Apparently Mr Jain Daze (John D’Souza) is a very successful marriage counselor. Last heard Mr. and Mrs. Kuriakose are yet to find Mr. Jain Daze and Mrs. Lily has filed for divorce as this year the voters list says that Mr. Kuriakose is married to a Mrs. Polly Lurkose.

My maid Lakshmi is pragmatic. She says that in the last elections she voted as 'Lakmi', this year she will vote as 'Lookme' and hopefully by the next elections her name would have transformed to a decent 'Leksmi'. She is optimistic. I am not.

p.s. Please vote even if the sight of your name in the voters list makes you flinch.

Six feet under and pushing up Excels,Words and Power Points!

Battling with work, work and more work folks. So posts are going to be delayed. If you don’t like it you can offer to keep my Boss tied up for a couple of weeks. He is a nice guy actually. A little absent minded but his minions like him a lot. But he has his quirks. He thinks that everyone should be like him. I mean he likes to work. We don’t. And he thinks people should be like him. It is not professional to be thrusting your colleagues with your likes and dislikes don’t you think so? We don’t tell him to take it easy or not work hard do we? That’s professionalism for you. My Boss has the most professional team in the whole wide world. If there was an award for professionalism, we would win hands down.

I think the man needs therapy. I wish there was a rehab where we could send Bosses to get help.

Therapist: And Mr. Boss why are you so obsessed with work!
Boss: Because I am the Boss duh!
Therapist: Let’s try this again. Why do you think everyone should be like you?
Boss: Because I am the Boss and I say so duh!
Therapist: Of course you do! But don’t you think that your subordinates have their likes and dislikes too?
Boss: So what!
Therapist: You are not helping dear.
Boss: You are fired!!

Of course the therapy center will have burly guards who will not let him leave without completing the therapy.

Therapist: And how are you feeling today Mr. Boss!
Boss: I feel like wringing your neck.
Therapist (soothingly): Of course you do. But natural to feel that way. You have been in therapy only two days. By next week you will learn to curb your hostility!
Boss: AARRGGHH!


Perhaps they will drug him a bit as part of his therapy...

Therapist: Open your mouth and eat up this pill.
Boss: What is it?
Therapist: Chill pill!
Boss: Why don’t you take it!
Therapist (evenly): I just took one…before I came in here.
Boss: In that case lady, I will take two.
Therapist: You are deliberately being ambiguous aren’t you?
Boss: I haven’t even started yet! Heh heh!


Maybe they will teach him to take things easy...

Therapist: Today we will learn to take it easy and enjoy life.
Boss: And pigs will fly! *snigger*
Therapist: According to the report submitted by your team, they are pretty sure of the same too.
Boss: That pigs will fly?
Therapist: That pigs will fly but you will never learn to take it easy.
Boss: Bummer!

Maybe he will drive try reverse Psychology on the Therapist...

Boss: Do you know that you will have considerable success with me if you are a little bit more professional?
Therapist: How so?
Boss: To begin with, how about we start therapy at 5:30 am!
Therapist: hmmm
Boss: We can have a working Breakfast at 8:30 am and then a working Lunch around 12:30 and then continue our session by 12:45 till 8:30 pm. That way we pack in a good twelve hours of session in a day!
Therapist: Nice try!
Boss (gleefully): But I almost had you there…didn’t I?
Therapist: I have to admit you did!
Boss: I AM GOOD!!!


Perhaps he will get cured...

Therapist: Today we will learn that there is more to life than work.
Boss: You are right! I have been thinking these last few days that I have been making a big deal of this thing called work.
Therapist (pleased): Now that’s a positive sign if I say so myself.
Boss: Work should be secondary in life.
Therapist: Absolutely!
Boss: Never realized how much I have missed out on life due to my obsession with work.
Therapist (beaming): I am so glad! Why Mr Boss, I think you are ready to be discharged!
Boss: muahahAHAHAHA! Err I mean thank you. I feel like a new man. As soon as I am out of here I will wring that Silverine's neck…I mean I am re-prioritizing my life. Thank you so much for all you have done.

Goodbye cruel world! Have a nice week!

The best laid plans of adolescent women

This post by Thomas brought back a lot of good memories from not so long ago. Diffused in the warm glow of those memories is an ugly incident that left a gang of girls very red faced and contrite for a very very long time. The incident was also our first lesson in ‘man behavior’!

In our pre university year we had only a few students from each stream taking Sanskrit as a language. Most of us had opted for Hindi or Kannada. This did not necessitate a full time Sanskrit teacher and the college authorities decided to bring in a teacher on contract as a temporary arrangement. Since there were no Sanskrit professors or vidwaans in the college, Sister Principal took it on her to interview and appoint someone she thought was fit for the job. The teacher turned out to be a young Brahmin boy named B, no more then 21 years old I think, who had recently passed out as a Sanskrit graduate. He was rather fair and boyish looking and wore traditional clothes that poojary’s usually wear i.e dhoti and a kurta. He had his head shaved except for a bit of hair at the back of the head that was tied up into a pony tail. The Nuns held him in high regard as he looked like a religious person like them. He would look puzzled when the Nuns greeted him with reverence and respect. He was clearly not used to such treatment.

He was also not used to girls and blushed if someone looked his way for more than a nano second. Apparently he taught the class with his eyes averted. It was evident by his timid demeanor that he was intimidated by the female of the species. And that emboldened us too to do what we did…something we had never attempted before on a faculty member.

After observing him for sometime and reassuring ourselves that he was a docile guy we decided to pull his leg. Now we were clever girls…or so we thought. So we got a friend studying in Bishop Cottons to write a love note for B in Kannada. The note purportedly written by one of his students “Manjula”, declared undying love for him and asked him to meet her at the Majestic Bus Stand at a particular platform. We had ensured that this platform did not serve the busy city routes but far flung areas like Yelahanka.

It was an exam day and classes got over by 11 am. By 11:15 am all six of us gathered at the platform. Two of us i.e me and the “Manjula” were to wait for B while the other four stood at the diagonally opposite platform pretending to be waiting for a bus. At the dot of the time specified, B walked into the platform. He looked around nervously and then glanced at us timidly. We ignored him. He placed himself next to a large round pillar looking very unsure and ill at ease. Suddenly “Manjula” turned and gave him an once-over. An inscrutable smile played on her face. B jumped like a startled chicken and disappeared behind the pillar. After some time he peeped out surreptitiously but “Manjula” was waiting for him. She gave him a flirty smile. He retracted his head in a hurry and was gone for some time. We were cock-a-hoop. This was going to be damn easy we thought. Our plan to torment him and walk away was going just fine.

After what seemed an eternity he peeped again, but this time he had a flirty smile on his face too. We were completely taken aback. We were not expecting this. He was peeping again, this time the smile was broader and more bolder. We gulped and looked away quickly. We did not want to encourage him any further. But the game was out of our hands. Now it was his turn to play the cat and mouse game with us. He started peeping from the pillar more often and when we looked in his direction he would be highly tickled at the attention and disappear again behind the pillar like a Hindi film hero. Each time he reappeared his smile grew more and more lascivious. It was our turn to sweat.

By now B was totally caught up in the game and decided to do get adventurous. He began darting from pillar to pillar when we were not looking and then suddenly peeping out from unexpected places taking us by surprise. We were in a tizzy. We did not know which pillar he was behind and both of us were looking frantically around trying to spot him so that we could avert our face when he peeped. The four girls who were standing by were watching us shell shocked. They also did not know what to do. We were barely 18 then and man crisis control was not our forte.

The look on B’s face was obvious. He was excited and not quite in control of himself. He was clearly not used to girly attention and even the minuscule attention he got from us had driven him crazy. We were very scared now. We were also far away from the busy platforms so there was no hope of spotting a senior to bail us out.

While “Manjula” and I were hyperventilating, B kept darting around pillars and peeping aggressively. He was like a man possessed and just when we were about to burst into tears, salvation in the form an elderly lady arrived from nowhere. Elderly lady, lets call her Lakshmi had come to the adjacent platform just a few minutes ago and saw a crazy mad man stalking two “innocent” college girls. Lakshmi was used to this. She had girls of her own. And she decided that she wasn’t taking this lying down. She strode into our platform purposefully and stood in front of the pillar behind which our hero was hiding. Then she did the unthinkable. She reached for her handbag and pulled out a Femina. “Oh great” we thought. “She is going to read a magazine and that’s supposed to scare him out of his wits”. However instead reading the magazine she rolled it into a tight roll and just when B peeped out from behind the pillar thwacked him really hard on his ears. B looked like someone had thrown a bucket of very cold water on his face.

Shell shocked he stumbled backwards and walked quickly away from the scene. Aunty rained more blows on his retreating back and finally threw the magazine at him for good measure. We stood there stupidly till Aunty returned from the war path and guided us out of the bus station. She tut tutted about perverts and how they preyed on “innocent” girls. “Manjula” and me looked at each other. We did not know whether to feel sorry for ourselves or ashamed. We were the victims and the perpetrators.

We expressed our gratitude to the lady and rushed back to college, relieved that we had not got into trouble. The other girls were waiting for us at the Canteen their faces white. We ordered some juice mechanically and sipped at it contemplatively avoiding each others eyes. There was absolute silence at the table. The canteen staff looked at us quizzically. We were by far the noisiest group in the college. Perhaps we had been expelled they thought hopefully. A pall of guilt, shame and absolute humiliation hung over the table like a cloud. We did not know what to say. We could not crib about the guy as we were the perpetrators of the crime. We could not laugh off the incident as it did not seem funny at all. It was a silent bunch of girls who departed to their respective homes that day.

Next day when we told the class about the incident it created an uproar and catapulted us into the Hall of Fame for Prize Fools. The college was divided in its opinion though. A section of the student body thought that we should be inducted into the Hall of Fame of the Stupidest Pranks. Though the college was divided in its opinion about the incident everybody agreed that it was bloody hilarious. People had a good laugh at our expense and still do. However for some inexplicable reason “we” are still unable to laugh at the incident. :p

p.s. B left the college soon after when the college found a more experienced Sanskrit teacher. :)

Double whammy!

28th March, 8:30 p.m to 9:30 p.m was WWF Earth Hour. Hope you all switched off the lights at 8:30 p.m like the millions of people around the world.

I was not able to... :(

We have power cut from 8:30 p.m. to 9:30 pm you see. *sob*

Damn you K.E.B!!! X(

Have a nice weekend folks.

Modesty...I has it!

I was chatting with a little bird today and the little bird informed me that a certain blogger had told her that he had 'apparently' got this mail from “me” the other day!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Anjali Philip silverine1 at gmail com
Date: Sun, Mar 22, 2009 at 12:08 PM
Subject: Hi

To: A blogger

Dear A Blogger,

Just a note to tell you that I love your blog. Though I never comment on your posts, count me in amongst your many silent admirers.

Anjali

------------------------------

Touching aint it? Now let me tell you all a secret. I get such messages too. Honestly!! Though modesty prevents me waxing eloquent about my “silent admirers” I cannot but share some interesting mails I get with you all. I am not showing off now... mind you. This is just to let you all know how honored I am by the mails sent in by some people. Here's a sample of a few mails amongst the thousands I get.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Barack Obama barack dot obama at gmail com
Date: Sun, Mar 23, 2009 at 10:18 PM
Subject: Greetings
To: Anjali Philip

Dear Anjali,

I have recently started reading your blog from the White House and I must say I love it. As soon as I have sorted out the mess here (you know where) I will make arrangements to appoint you to a key White House post. God alone knows we need a break in here (you know from what).

Regards,

Obama

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Ernest Hemingway ernest dot hemingway at gmail com
Date: Mon, Dec 29, 2008 at 11:30 AM
Subject: Hello!
To: Anjali Philip

Dear Anjali,

YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK!!!

Regards,

Ernie!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: William Shakespeare william dot shakespeare at gmail com
Date: Thurs, Sept 4, 2008 at 09:35 AM
Subject: Thy blog!
To: Anjali Philip

Before the lady doth protest too much, let me say that your blog is such stuff as dreams are made on. Thy blog is a dish fit for the gods, a feast of languages!

Yours truly,

Willie err William

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: John Abraham john dot abraham at gmail com
Date: Wed, Oct 1, 2008 at 07:15 PM
Subject: How you doin!
To: Anjali Philip

Anjali,

MARRY ME!!!

Yours madly in love,

John Abraham

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Bipasha Basu bipasha dot basu at gmail com
Date: Thurs, Oct 2, 2008 at 10:10 PM
Subject: No Subject
To: Anjali Philip

Bitch!! I hate you!

Regards,

Bipasha

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Angelina Jolie angelina dot jolie at yahoo com
Date: Mon, Mar 23, 2009 at 10:10 PM
Subject:Hello dear!
To: Anjali Philip

Dear Anjali,

You adorable girl….can we adopt you?

Love,

Angelina

I guess you get the idea now! ;) Have a nice week folks!

Call to Duty!

The State Government here has announced a unique scheme that enables ‘ordinary’ citizens like you and me to take part in nation building in a more intimate manner than the present passionless participation by way of paying taxes only. Now, you will all argue that you pay your taxes with a lot of passion and vehemence and ill will…and I agree. But this novel scheme dear friends is just the ticket to good governance and a Golden State. Finally 'you' my dear friends will play a crucial role in the day to day functioning of your city, village and town!!

I was fortunate to meet and interview the Minister who has introduced this scheme at his office today. Here are some excerpts from the interview.

Me: Namaskara Minister avarugalu! At the outset let me tell you that your new scheme is indeed a path breaking idea in modern governance!
Minister: Thank you! Thank you! I am a humble public servant wonly heh heh
Me: Could you tell us something about this new idea that allows the ordinary citizen play a pivotal role in the day to day governance of the State?
Minster: Khanditha (sure)!! The new scheme is called “Adopt a Government School!!!”
Me: Fantastic!
Minister: Heh heh thank you, thank you! We are like this wonly!
Me: And how does an ordinary citizen go about adopting a school?
Minister: Ah! It is very simple actually! All that a citizen has to do is choose a school and donate an amount and the money will be used for the running of the school wonly!
Me: Excellent idea Sir! This would indeed alleviate the misery err I mean the problems in government schools.
Minister: Heh heh the humble idea was mine wonly! I now propose to expand the scope of this project!
Me: Think of the possibilities Sir. You can have “Adopt a Village” and “Adopt a Forest”….the possibilities!! You are a genius Sir!!
Minister: Err well ahem thank you. Our next project will be “Adopt a Government Hospital”
Me: Hmmm that sounds good too. This will ensure that the poor get better treatment and the hospital better facilities!
Minister: Exactly! Then we plan to introduce “Adopt a Police Station”
Me: That's wonderful. I guess public participation will make them less corrupt err I mean more efficient!
Minister: Ahem...by adopt I mean a member of the public pays for its upkeep wonly you see!
Me: And what about the government?
Minister (smoothly): We will take care of the funds…I mean administration!
Me: Hmmm
Minister (quickly): Think of the public works we can undertake with the money saved on these institutions!
Me: I have to concede that you are right there!
Minister (bowing): Humble thanks wonly! Don’t you want to hear of the other things that will come under the purview of this scheme soon?
Me: Of course!
Minister: After we have put up all government institutions for adoption, we will introduce “Adopt a Lamp Post!!”
Me: What!!
Minister: Followed by “Adopt a Lamp post Tube light/Sodium Vapor Lamp”
Me: Huh!
Minister (earnestly): Do you blog?
Me: Blog? Err what’s that?
Minister: Never mind. But if you did, you could adopt a stretch of power line in any part of the State and we will allow you to advertise your blog or website on it absolutely free!!!
Me: Yikes!
Minister: And that would come under our “Adopt a Stretch of Electricity Wire” scheme!
Me (sarcastically): Great.
Minister: That will soon be followed by “Adopt a Stretch of Road” and “Adopt a Public Tap” and “Adopt a garbage heap” or “Adopt a Traffic Copper” or “Adopt a stretch of a Flyover” or "Adopt a Manhole." The possibilities like you said, are endless!!
Me (dryly): Anything else you have left “uncovered” Sir!
Minister: Hmm let me see. Did I mention “Adopt the Metro Train?"
Me: Groan!
Minister (wagging a finger): You don’t worry your head girl. We will ensure all governmental responsibilities are covered by you all heh heh!
Me: I am sure you would Sir. You will have a lot of free time to do that I can see.
Minister: All in a days work of a humble public servant ma'am!
Me: Thank you Sir for your valuable time. I will see myself out!
Minister: Heh heh thank you for your visit. By the way, on you way out you can choose to “Adopt a govt office table” or “Adopt a govt office cupboard” or…
Me (hastily): I get the picture Sir. But no thank you...there is a sewage blockage near my house. I think I will adopt that for now.
Minister: Whatay spirit! *sniff* We need more people like you to make our State the Golden State of our country! Shabash!!
Me: Thank you...Sir...I think! :-S

The terrible thing about good memory

At precisely 10 am this morning the Boss’s phone rang!

Boss: Hello dear!
Wifey: #$@%@$@!!!
Boss: *gasp*
Wifey: &%$#@*!!!
Boss: Yes dear!
Wifey: *unprintable*
Boss: Yes dear!
Wife: *more unprintable*
Boss: Sorry dear! :(
Wife: *SLAM*

At precisely 10:15 am my phone rang!

Me: Hello Boss!
Boss: Silverine! Ahem… have you forgotten something?
Me: hmmm I don’t think so!
Boss (gently): Ah! Think again my dear!
Me: Sorry...I don’t think I have forgotten anything!
Boss: TODAY IS MY F***ING WEDDING ANNIVERSARY FOR GODS SAKES!!!
Me: *gasp*
Boss: WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO REMIND ME!!!
Me: Yes Boss! :(
BOSS: WHAT DO YOU MEAN “YES BOSS”?
Me: Yes Boss :(
Boss: DO HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU HAVE CREATED FOR ME!
Me: Yes Boss! :(
Boss: WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF NOW!!
Me: Sorry Boss!
Boss: *SLAM*

Note to self: Next appraisal meeting please ensure that you ask for suitable remuneration for your additional responsibilities as Birthday/Anniversary Reminder Service Provider for the grey haired farts in the office!

p.s the quote for the week in my email template is “The heart that truly loves never forgets.” tee hee