Last year on her visit to Kerala my mom picked up an unusual pet. The dogs at home were ‘foreign’ breeds unlike the mallu mongrels (the canine breed dear reader) that roam the sylvan Kerala countryside she said. So she decided that she would bring something from her native place that would remind her of home. Imagine our shock when the good lady gets down from the car and removes a cane basket from the boot. Then with a mysterious glint in her eyes she walks into the house. After looking at each other in bemusement and wondering aloud about creature she has picked up from Kerala, we hurried inside.
She was in the backyard, gingerly opening the lid of the basket. As soon as she opened the lid, there was a fluttering and squawking and out jumped an enormous ‘naadan’ Rooster. The rooster took to his heels and ran helter skelter as though exercising his legs after the long journey cramped in the economy class of the basket. The four of us i.e. Dad, my brothers couldn’t believe our eyes. Of all the creatures in the world my mom thought of a Rooster????
After our rather dramatic introduction to the rooster, we were told by his proud owner i.e. my mom that she had decided to call him Raja!!! There was pin drop silence after she dropped this bit of info. I could almost touch the wise cracks that were hanging in the air unsaid, but we wisely refrained from clever remarks till later, like when she was out of earshot. Before my Dad could say "So when will we get to taste Raja?" my mom shot down the question with a "Don’t even think about it!" After 30 years of marriage, she knew that this would be first thing that would come to his mind.
The first thing my mom learnt rather painfully was that Raja was a hot-blooded young man, much vaunt to showing off in front of the ‘ladies’ from the village nearby. So it was difficult to keep him within the four walls of our compound. He easily flew to the wall and jumped down for his trysts with the ‘ladies’. My Dad thought that Raja had great potential. He told my mom rather flippantly that if she charged a rupee for every one of his ‘trysts’ she would be a millionaire by the end of the month. The remark didn’t go down too well and further explanations are with held.
The second painful lesson my Mom learnt was that since the time she had learned English way back in the 70’s, the language had changed quite a bit. So when she asked me "Where is the cock?" she couldn’t comprehend the reaction from my brother and his friends lounging nearby. The resultant explanation given by me left her rather red faced. She never used the ‘English’ word again and stuck by the mallu word “Kozhipoovan”.
Raja was a rebel too. He would crow only when the fancy struck him or a ‘lady’ passed by. He refused to wake up the household in the morning. He didn’t quite feel that it was his style. So just when we are having evening tea, he would let out a lusty “Cock-a-doodle dooo” startling us out of our skins. Once he shook the house with his crowing at 4 am. I didn’t know till then that my Dad could curse so fluently even at such an unearthly hour.
Then came disaster in the form of Mr. Rao, who had a clutch of Leghorn layers (egg laying birds) in his yard. Mr. Rao was an organic farmer and his brood was totally bought up on organic food. Raja in all honesty felt he was a very "organic" fellow and the result was disastrous. His "organic" trysts were soon discovered by Mr. Rao, who gave an earful to my Dad in very "inorganic" language.
Soon it became apparent to my Mom that she would have to curtail the love life of The King of good times or spend the rest of her days in various lower courts. My brother thought "Tandoori Raja" would be an excellent idea in curtailment. My mother told him rather sarcastically that if "Tandoori Raja" was a sure fire cure then she wouldn’t mind trying "Tandoori Son" very soon.
Finally after much conferring with our Vet, my Mom decided to build an enclosure to keep Raja’s libido in check...err I mean Raja in check. He is right now in his brand new enclosure and not too happy about it. And if I stay here another second, his loud protest crowing and clucking will drive me nuts. I have been so ready since early morning to go to the airport for the evening flight.
See you folks next week. Take care. I am off to Simla :)
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
India Pak Peace Talks
India and Pakistan have been in a dialogue till now. Representatives of the two longtime adversaries, agreed to a timetable for a series of high-level meetings over the next several months. Expert opinions differ. Some are wary because of the history of animosity. Other experts, however, say that this time around might be different. The U.S. ambassador to India, told a Council on Foreign Relations meeting that he saw excellent chances for success in these talks.
The first such meeting was held in New Delhi last month.This reporter was privy to all meetings.
Foreign Secretary India: What should we have for our lunch discussion today?
Foreign Secretary Pakistan: Tangdi Kabab, Dal Makhani and Tandoori Roti?
Foreign Secretary India: Absolutely not. Lets have Masala Dosa instead.
Foreign Secretary Pakistan (aghast): Masala Dosa ??? UGH *hmph*
The first round of talks failed and the meeting was adjourned to the next month at Islamabad.
Indian Foreign Secretary: What is the menu for our dinner discussions?
Foreign Secretary Pakistan: Mutton Biryani, Lachedaar Paraatha and Sherbet
Indian Foreign Secretary: What??? No Curd Rice ?
Foreign Secretary Pakistan: er...what's Curd Rice?
Foreign Secretary India: How inconsiderate !!!*hmph*
The failure of the second round of talks was greeted with dismay by the international community .The resultant International pressure has led to the convening of a Ministerial level meeting in Simla.
Indian Minister: Welcome brother. We have arranged an excellent Mujra by Miss Masala after our Dinner talks.
Pakistani Minister( sulking): I want Aishwarya Rai to do the mujra.
Indian Minister: Well...our budget would not permit that.
Pakistani Minister: Then I am not talking to you. *hmph*
It was clear after the Ministerial level talks that there were irrevocable differences between the two countries and it has been decided that both Foreign Ministers would meet in Rawalpindi next.
Pakistani Minister: Salaam Alekum, we are honored by your presence here. What would you like to drink?
Indian Minister: Bhaang!!
Pakistani Minister: I am afraid we do not have Bhaang. I have Blue Label Whiskey specially ordered for you.
Indian Minister: You dont' have Bhaang?? Then I am not talking to you. *hmph*
According to inside sources, the high level discussions collapsed after India insisted that Pakistan stop supporting terrorists in Kashmir, and Pakistan insisted that India include final-status discussions on Kashmir as part of any future talks.
The first such meeting was held in New Delhi last month.This reporter was privy to all meetings.
Foreign Secretary India: What should we have for our lunch discussion today?
Foreign Secretary Pakistan: Tangdi Kabab, Dal Makhani and Tandoori Roti?
Foreign Secretary India: Absolutely not. Lets have Masala Dosa instead.
Foreign Secretary Pakistan (aghast): Masala Dosa ??? UGH *hmph*
The first round of talks failed and the meeting was adjourned to the next month at Islamabad.
Indian Foreign Secretary: What is the menu for our dinner discussions?
Foreign Secretary Pakistan: Mutton Biryani, Lachedaar Paraatha and Sherbet
Indian Foreign Secretary: What??? No Curd Rice ?
Foreign Secretary Pakistan: er...what's Curd Rice?
Foreign Secretary India: How inconsiderate !!!*hmph*
The failure of the second round of talks was greeted with dismay by the international community .The resultant International pressure has led to the convening of a Ministerial level meeting in Simla.
Indian Minister: Welcome brother. We have arranged an excellent Mujra by Miss Masala after our Dinner talks.
Pakistani Minister( sulking): I want Aishwarya Rai to do the mujra.
Indian Minister: Well...our budget would not permit that.
Pakistani Minister: Then I am not talking to you. *hmph*
It was clear after the Ministerial level talks that there were irrevocable differences between the two countries and it has been decided that both Foreign Ministers would meet in Rawalpindi next.
Pakistani Minister: Salaam Alekum, we are honored by your presence here. What would you like to drink?
Indian Minister: Bhaang!!
Pakistani Minister: I am afraid we do not have Bhaang. I have Blue Label Whiskey specially ordered for you.
Indian Minister: You dont' have Bhaang?? Then I am not talking to you. *hmph*
According to inside sources, the high level discussions collapsed after India insisted that Pakistan stop supporting terrorists in Kashmir, and Pakistan insisted that India include final-status discussions on Kashmir as part of any future talks.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
The Wanderer's Tags
I have been tagged by the great wanderer of the netherworld, cosmic voyager, Trans astral zig zagger the one and only Anand K.
5 people who top your shit list..... and why:
Indira Gandhi for The Simla Agreement.
Rajiv Gandhi for promising to take the country into the 21st Century and doing scant about it.
L.K. Advani for shamelesslesly escorting and handing over the imprisoned terrorists in exchange for the Indian airlines aircraft hijacked to Kandahar.
Indian intelligence agencies for failing to nab the big guns who have been wreaking havoc in the country from abroad
The Indian electorate for never realizing the power of their votes and capitalizing on the same.
Close brushes with death/danger:
1.On the road to Sikkim when an army truck nearly pushed us to oblivion into the Teesta river.
2. When I contracted Diphtheria as a baby and the doctor refused to accept my mother’s diagnosis. My folks had to rush me to Ernakulam Lissy Hospital in the night where they performed an emergency operation to open up the tissue that had already covered my throat.
5 Preferable modes of suicide, in descending order:
Never thought of suicide before, but I know the extreme pain of a broken hand and the excruciating moments before you arrive at the hospital. That one time I wished I were just dead. Fortunately before I could formulate an elaborate plan to kill myself the doc gave me a pain killer and suddenly I wanted to live again :)
But if I have to go meet my maker and ask him why he made this world, then I would prefer it be quick and painless like I don’t know how frankly.
5 Guilty pleasures:
Rum and Cola
Beer and Sprite (Shandy) in equal proportions
Eggs... I can eat any amount of eggs. I am an eggaholic and need at least one a day, possibly more…but the good doc has put the fear of God’s wrath for the sin of gluttony in the form of Cholesterol :(
Barbabra Cartland and Mills and Boon books ( this is my deepest darkest secret)
Black and White Malayalam Movies (can’t get enough of that and that’s why RG is in my dislike list. It is frustrating to see the abject helplessness of people in the pre liberalization days)
5 things you never want to forget:
1.To thank God every morning and before going to bed every night for being alive, having my limbs and faculties intact and the blessing of my family.
2.The Grand Family South India Trip, which left from Kerala in two buses, after my final exams in the last year of college. I don’t remember having so much fun ever.
3.My parent’s Silver Jubilee a few years back. We made our parents the blushing bride and groom by digging out their deep and dark secrets from their families, like the things they during their youth and after their engagement. First prize went for not being caught going for a movie together after the Engagement ( but this is Kerala and someone invariably knew). All the deep dark secrets were then read out at the Reception, which led to a lot of other skeletons from other couples cupboards come tumbling as some Achayans got slightly tipsy and very bold with the mike. A tipsy Achayan with a mike in hand is a disaster I learnt while ROFL.
4.My 21st birthday, my friends got together and gave me a surprise party before class complete with a cake shaped like a key.
5.My First Holy Communion
6.The day I became a Godmother to my cousin sister’s daughter
5 things you wish to forget:
1. 4th Standard: I was to recite a poem in a Poetry contest but forgot the lines on the stage. But I did remember that I had to bow after the recitation so bowed and left the stage.
2. 6th Standard: Independence Day Dance competition. My Rajasthani blouse string came undone and I bolted from the stage much to the bewilderment of the audience.
3. Soon after learning to drive I tried to reverse the car in a sharp U turn on Hosur Road. The car got stuck leading to a huge traffic pile up. Finally a tempo driver took over the car and reversed it for me. I did manage to show the finger to the KSRTC conductor who was cursing me fluently.
4. Scraped my hand while falling from a tree and didn’t tell anyone at home as I was forbidden to climb that tree close to the power lines. The wound festered leading to high fever and hospitalization, where they discovered the root of the trouble. It was an *ouch* painful experience.
5. The day my Grandfather died of lung cancer. He was a chain smoker but the best grandpa a girl could have.
5 really exotic dishes you have tried:
1. Frog legs ( at least that’s what they told it was )
2. Camel meat curry
3. Tiramisu
4. Handmade chocolate with peppermint filling( It was exotic the first time I tried it)
5. Injera and Chicken Curry Ethiopian ishtyle
5 crushes/loves in your life... in chronological order
1. I forget the priest’s name who came for Friday mass to our school. He was Goan and the entire school had a crush on him. So prayer responses went like this.
Priest: And may God bless all of you
Us: Sighhhhhhh (instead of ‘Amen’)
Priest: And may the Peace of the Lord be with you always!
Us: *droool*
2. My PT Teacher: forget his name.
3. Tom Selleck (the crush lives on to this day)
4. Harrison Ford (he still rulez)
5. Matt Le Blanc
Strangest dream you ever had:
I had a Doberman called Mika when I was 12 years old. Mika was sick and my parents didn’t tell me that she wasn’t going to live. One day my Grandad appeared in my dream and told me that he had come to take Mika. I woke up later and went to check on Mika. She was dead. The dream avoided a major heart break as I was very attached to Mika and felt she was with my Grandad in heaven. ( Mika I still love you)
5 most valued personal possessions:
1. The books gifted to me by my Grandad.
2. The Viewmaster that he bought from the US for my mom which he gave me.
3. The numerous audio and videotapes of birthdays, weddings, engagements etc that took place in the family.
4. My portfolio of creative work done during my ad agency days.
5. My grandmom’s wedding ring.
5 favorite superheroes..... and why: ( Redone as Anand wanted a 'brief' on superheroes who wear their underwear over their pants and fly and send thunderbolts from their eyes and fight all those monsters etc.)
a) Phantom: The first underwear over pant superhero, he appears from the shadows to deal with criminals and disappears after leaving his trademark, the 'skull' embedded on their skin.
b) Mandrake the Magician: He didnt exactly wear his undies over his pants but hey he was a magician and a real one at that who used his magical powers to fight crime.
c)Flash Gordon: The planet hopping superhero who flew so effortlessly across space. Fascinating.
d) Tarzan: Was raised by Apes and lived in the jungles and seemed to live a fascinating life talking to animals and getting their help to beat up the baddies.
e) Batman: The Dark Knight in Skintights :p His quest to fight crimes like the one that killed his parents was such a thrill read.
And now all of you cowering under the tables, beds and behind doors, I see you and hereby tag you to carry on the task that was entrusted to me by HRH Anand K.
Best of luck, If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya , Ganja Turtle ,
Alexis Leon , Fleiger, Aashik , flaashgordon , Injinuity .
HAPPY EASTER EVERYBODY!!!!
5 people who top your shit list..... and why:
Indira Gandhi for The Simla Agreement.
Rajiv Gandhi for promising to take the country into the 21st Century and doing scant about it.
L.K. Advani for shamelesslesly escorting and handing over the imprisoned terrorists in exchange for the Indian airlines aircraft hijacked to Kandahar.
Indian intelligence agencies for failing to nab the big guns who have been wreaking havoc in the country from abroad
The Indian electorate for never realizing the power of their votes and capitalizing on the same.
Close brushes with death/danger:
1.On the road to Sikkim when an army truck nearly pushed us to oblivion into the Teesta river.
2. When I contracted Diphtheria as a baby and the doctor refused to accept my mother’s diagnosis. My folks had to rush me to Ernakulam Lissy Hospital in the night where they performed an emergency operation to open up the tissue that had already covered my throat.
5 Preferable modes of suicide, in descending order:
Never thought of suicide before, but I know the extreme pain of a broken hand and the excruciating moments before you arrive at the hospital. That one time I wished I were just dead. Fortunately before I could formulate an elaborate plan to kill myself the doc gave me a pain killer and suddenly I wanted to live again :)
But if I have to go meet my maker and ask him why he made this world, then I would prefer it be quick and painless like I don’t know how frankly.
5 Guilty pleasures:
Rum and Cola
Beer and Sprite (Shandy) in equal proportions
Eggs... I can eat any amount of eggs. I am an eggaholic and need at least one a day, possibly more…but the good doc has put the fear of God’s wrath for the sin of gluttony in the form of Cholesterol :(
Barbabra Cartland and Mills and Boon books ( this is my deepest darkest secret)
Black and White Malayalam Movies (can’t get enough of that and that’s why RG is in my dislike list. It is frustrating to see the abject helplessness of people in the pre liberalization days)
5 things you never want to forget:
1.To thank God every morning and before going to bed every night for being alive, having my limbs and faculties intact and the blessing of my family.
2.The Grand Family South India Trip, which left from Kerala in two buses, after my final exams in the last year of college. I don’t remember having so much fun ever.
3.My parent’s Silver Jubilee a few years back. We made our parents the blushing bride and groom by digging out their deep and dark secrets from their families, like the things they during their youth and after their engagement. First prize went for not being caught going for a movie together after the Engagement ( but this is Kerala and someone invariably knew). All the deep dark secrets were then read out at the Reception, which led to a lot of other skeletons from other couples cupboards come tumbling as some Achayans got slightly tipsy and very bold with the mike. A tipsy Achayan with a mike in hand is a disaster I learnt while ROFL.
4.My 21st birthday, my friends got together and gave me a surprise party before class complete with a cake shaped like a key.
5.My First Holy Communion
6.The day I became a Godmother to my cousin sister’s daughter
5 things you wish to forget:
1. 4th Standard: I was to recite a poem in a Poetry contest but forgot the lines on the stage. But I did remember that I had to bow after the recitation so bowed and left the stage.
2. 6th Standard: Independence Day Dance competition. My Rajasthani blouse string came undone and I bolted from the stage much to the bewilderment of the audience.
3. Soon after learning to drive I tried to reverse the car in a sharp U turn on Hosur Road. The car got stuck leading to a huge traffic pile up. Finally a tempo driver took over the car and reversed it for me. I did manage to show the finger to the KSRTC conductor who was cursing me fluently.
4. Scraped my hand while falling from a tree and didn’t tell anyone at home as I was forbidden to climb that tree close to the power lines. The wound festered leading to high fever and hospitalization, where they discovered the root of the trouble. It was an *ouch* painful experience.
5. The day my Grandfather died of lung cancer. He was a chain smoker but the best grandpa a girl could have.
5 really exotic dishes you have tried:
1. Frog legs ( at least that’s what they told it was )
2. Camel meat curry
3. Tiramisu
4. Handmade chocolate with peppermint filling( It was exotic the first time I tried it)
5. Injera and Chicken Curry Ethiopian ishtyle
5 crushes/loves in your life... in chronological order
1. I forget the priest’s name who came for Friday mass to our school. He was Goan and the entire school had a crush on him. So prayer responses went like this.
Priest: And may God bless all of you
Us: Sighhhhhhh (instead of ‘Amen’)
Priest: And may the Peace of the Lord be with you always!
Us: *droool*
2. My PT Teacher: forget his name.
3. Tom Selleck (the crush lives on to this day)
4. Harrison Ford (he still rulez)
5. Matt Le Blanc
Strangest dream you ever had:
I had a Doberman called Mika when I was 12 years old. Mika was sick and my parents didn’t tell me that she wasn’t going to live. One day my Grandad appeared in my dream and told me that he had come to take Mika. I woke up later and went to check on Mika. She was dead. The dream avoided a major heart break as I was very attached to Mika and felt she was with my Grandad in heaven. ( Mika I still love you)
5 most valued personal possessions:
1. The books gifted to me by my Grandad.
2. The Viewmaster that he bought from the US for my mom which he gave me.
3. The numerous audio and videotapes of birthdays, weddings, engagements etc that took place in the family.
4. My portfolio of creative work done during my ad agency days.
5. My grandmom’s wedding ring.
5 favorite superheroes..... and why: ( Redone as Anand wanted a 'brief' on superheroes who wear their underwear over their pants and fly and send thunderbolts from their eyes and fight all those monsters etc.)
a) Phantom: The first underwear over pant superhero, he appears from the shadows to deal with criminals and disappears after leaving his trademark, the 'skull' embedded on their skin.
b) Mandrake the Magician: He didnt exactly wear his undies over his pants but hey he was a magician and a real one at that who used his magical powers to fight crime.
c)Flash Gordon: The planet hopping superhero who flew so effortlessly across space. Fascinating.
d) Tarzan: Was raised by Apes and lived in the jungles and seemed to live a fascinating life talking to animals and getting their help to beat up the baddies.
e) Batman: The Dark Knight in Skintights :p His quest to fight crimes like the one that killed his parents was such a thrill read.
And now all of you cowering under the tables, beds and behind doors, I see you and hereby tag you to carry on the task that was entrusted to me by HRH Anand K.
Best of luck, If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya , Ganja Turtle ,
Alexis Leon , Fleiger, Aashik , flaashgordon , Injinuity .
HAPPY EASTER EVERYBODY!!!!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Misappropriation
A few decades back, cops chased robbers to apprehend them. A few decades later the cops still chase robbers...but it is to get their share of the loot. I think somewhere along the line the robbers and cops got tired of the chase and decided to split the loot amicably, instead of sweating it out in lanes and by lanes of Bangalore. As a result, ‘Misappropriation’ or robbery in common lingo has become an attractive profession. With the influx of Information Technology professionals into Bangalore, Robbery has become a lucrative profession too. In fact robbery can be called an ancillary industry of the Information Technology industry.
So stop tapping on that keyboard, coding and logging bugs and try out this exciting new employment opportunity. If you are looking for a fat pay packet, Action, Adventure, and that heady Adrenalin rush, then ‘Robbery’ is the perfect job for you.
For aspirants these Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) will be a lot of help. The FAQs was compiled by this writer with the help of Inspector Kempanna who would like to remain anonymous.
FAQ’s for students/aspirants.
Q: What is the difference between an ordinary man and a cop?
Ans: The ordinary man is law abiding.
Q. What is the difference between a cop and a robber?
Ans: A robber does not have to wear uniform to work.
Q. What are the similarities between a robber and a cop?
Ans: Both are robbers.
Q. Is robbery a dangerous profession?
Ans: No, not if you remit your IT deductions properly.
Q. Are robbed items subject to Income Tax?!?!?!
Ans: IT stands for Illegal Takings. You have to give a percentage of the Illegal Takings to the cops. This is known as IT deduction. Otherwise they will hunt you down more efficiently than the Scotland Yard. Most robbers in jail are IT defaulters.
Q. Is there anyway I can avoid paying IT deductions?
Ans: Death and taxes are inevitable and gruesome death is inevitable if you are an Illegal Takings evader.
Q. How do I become a robber?
Ans: By informing the local police station.
Q. Is there any hierarchy among robbers?
Ans: Yes, the Sub Inspector is the top dog followed by the Constable who is Top Cat (it's complicated).
Q. Can I rob in any area?
Ans: No, you will be assigned an area by the Cops and Robbers Association. This prevents a homeowner from being robbed twice in a day.
Q. What will be my take home salary?
Ans: The sky is the limit. The more you rob the more you make minus IT deductions. Besides income from robbery is totally exempt from all other taxes.
Q: Do I have to declare all that I rob to the cops?
Ans: Yes, they will know the exact list of stolen items from the FIR filed by the robbed.
Q. What if I am not a successful robber?
Ans: Then you can go back to a regular 9 to 6 job.
Q: What is the retirement age for Robbers.
Ans: There is no retirement age for Robbers, but it better to save for a rainy day oops...I mean dry day as rainy day takings are very good.
*********
Inspector Kempanna has helped me compile some FAQ for Ordinary Citizens too. This will help you get you your valuables back…at least part of it.
FAQ’s for ordinary citizens.
Q. What should I do after I realize I am robbed?
Ans: Take a stiff shot of whiskey. In case you don’t drink then start drinking. You will need it. Make sure the whisky is well hidden for such eventualities. The dustbin is a good place.
Q. Will that help me get back my valuables?
Ans: No, but it will help you go back to sleep.
Q. But shouldn’t I inform the cops immediately?
Ans; Don’t bother, they already know.
Q. What should I do after I wake up?
Ans: Make a Wish List of things that you would like to buy if you win the Lottery. Then file an FIR declaring the things in your Wish List as the missing items from your home.
Q. Will that FIR help me get back my valuables?
Ans: No, but the cops will be hot on the heels of the robber for not getting their share of IPods, Playstation, Lear Jets, Mercedes, Ferrari, Pleasure Boats, 20 room bungalow with swimming pool etc.
Q. But my wish list has Aiswarya Rai and Bipasha Basu too. Will it be a problem?
Ans: No, it will not be a problem, unless Aishwarya and Bipasha from the Jolly Girl Dance Bar has retired or left town.
Q. And what if Aishwarya and Bipasha from the Jolly Girl Dance Bar have retired and left town?
Ans: Then the robber will be given Third Degree to reveal where he has hidden them.
Q. Will I ever get my valuables back?
Ans: Yes, it will be returned the moment you agree to give the SI half of the ‘recovered’ valuables. Your possessions will be in his house anyways for valuation.
Q. And what if I do not want to give half of my valuables to the cops.
Ans: Rob the SI.
Q. What happens to the robber?
Ans: If he is still alive he will go to jail for robbing you and after he is released from jail will pay a monthly fine to the cops for the rest of his life for not revealing the location of the IPods, Playstation, Lear Jets, Mercedes, Ferrari, Pleasure Boats, 20 room bungalow with swimming pool, Aishwarya and Bipasha.
( This post was written after a colleague was robbed and the cops asked her to give money or part of the recovered valuables as their fees)
So stop tapping on that keyboard, coding and logging bugs and try out this exciting new employment opportunity. If you are looking for a fat pay packet, Action, Adventure, and that heady Adrenalin rush, then ‘Robbery’ is the perfect job for you.
For aspirants these Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) will be a lot of help. The FAQs was compiled by this writer with the help of Inspector Kempanna who would like to remain anonymous.
FAQ’s for students/aspirants.
Q: What is the difference between an ordinary man and a cop?
Ans: The ordinary man is law abiding.
Q. What is the difference between a cop and a robber?
Ans: A robber does not have to wear uniform to work.
Q. What are the similarities between a robber and a cop?
Ans: Both are robbers.
Q. Is robbery a dangerous profession?
Ans: No, not if you remit your IT deductions properly.
Q. Are robbed items subject to Income Tax?!?!?!
Ans: IT stands for Illegal Takings. You have to give a percentage of the Illegal Takings to the cops. This is known as IT deduction. Otherwise they will hunt you down more efficiently than the Scotland Yard. Most robbers in jail are IT defaulters.
Q. Is there anyway I can avoid paying IT deductions?
Ans: Death and taxes are inevitable and gruesome death is inevitable if you are an Illegal Takings evader.
Q. How do I become a robber?
Ans: By informing the local police station.
Q. Is there any hierarchy among robbers?
Ans: Yes, the Sub Inspector is the top dog followed by the Constable who is Top Cat (it's complicated).
Q. Can I rob in any area?
Ans: No, you will be assigned an area by the Cops and Robbers Association. This prevents a homeowner from being robbed twice in a day.
Q. What will be my take home salary?
Ans: The sky is the limit. The more you rob the more you make minus IT deductions. Besides income from robbery is totally exempt from all other taxes.
Q: Do I have to declare all that I rob to the cops?
Ans: Yes, they will know the exact list of stolen items from the FIR filed by the robbed.
Q. What if I am not a successful robber?
Ans: Then you can go back to a regular 9 to 6 job.
Q: What is the retirement age for Robbers.
Ans: There is no retirement age for Robbers, but it better to save for a rainy day oops...I mean dry day as rainy day takings are very good.
*********
Inspector Kempanna has helped me compile some FAQ for Ordinary Citizens too. This will help you get you your valuables back…at least part of it.
FAQ’s for ordinary citizens.
Q. What should I do after I realize I am robbed?
Ans: Take a stiff shot of whiskey. In case you don’t drink then start drinking. You will need it. Make sure the whisky is well hidden for such eventualities. The dustbin is a good place.
Q. Will that help me get back my valuables?
Ans: No, but it will help you go back to sleep.
Q. But shouldn’t I inform the cops immediately?
Ans; Don’t bother, they already know.
Q. What should I do after I wake up?
Ans: Make a Wish List of things that you would like to buy if you win the Lottery. Then file an FIR declaring the things in your Wish List as the missing items from your home.
Q. Will that FIR help me get back my valuables?
Ans: No, but the cops will be hot on the heels of the robber for not getting their share of IPods, Playstation, Lear Jets, Mercedes, Ferrari, Pleasure Boats, 20 room bungalow with swimming pool etc.
Q. But my wish list has Aiswarya Rai and Bipasha Basu too. Will it be a problem?
Ans: No, it will not be a problem, unless Aishwarya and Bipasha from the Jolly Girl Dance Bar has retired or left town.
Q. And what if Aishwarya and Bipasha from the Jolly Girl Dance Bar have retired and left town?
Ans: Then the robber will be given Third Degree to reveal where he has hidden them.
Q. Will I ever get my valuables back?
Ans: Yes, it will be returned the moment you agree to give the SI half of the ‘recovered’ valuables. Your possessions will be in his house anyways for valuation.
Q. And what if I do not want to give half of my valuables to the cops.
Ans: Rob the SI.
Q. What happens to the robber?
Ans: If he is still alive he will go to jail for robbing you and after he is released from jail will pay a monthly fine to the cops for the rest of his life for not revealing the location of the IPods, Playstation, Lear Jets, Mercedes, Ferrari, Pleasure Boats, 20 room bungalow with swimming pool, Aishwarya and Bipasha.
( This post was written after a colleague was robbed and the cops asked her to give money or part of the recovered valuables as their fees)
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Sitting Ducks
The IT boom saw many a cousin brother and sister from Kerala making a beeline to Bangalore, settling into careers, marrying and then having their babies. After the arrival of the baby and mom from mom’s hometown the proud parents decide that it is time they got back to the carefree days during weekends. Now this leaves poor baby out in the cold. Out of profound guilt, the new parents decide that their own kith and kin* should look after the baby so that he/she does not feel left out and grow up to become a psychopath or HR.
There fore during weekends we would get a gaggle of babies, toddlers and brats into our house for ‘safekeeping’ so that new mom and dads and the not so new mom and dads could have a night out in town. (Little did they realize that it was us that needed to be kept safe from them.)
(*‘Kin’ is defined as my mom and me.)
Here are some lessons I have learnt after years of baby-sitting, which may prove useful to new parents and masochists in search of newer and better methods of receiving punishments.
1. The smaller the baby, the easier they are to take care. The bigger they are the better if you are away on a vacation when they are visiting.
2. The age of the baby/kid in months is directly proportional to the BDA plots that your Doctor will buy from the consultation fees you pay him for treating your ulcers, fast graying hair, nervous breakdowns etc.
3. Babies prefer that the babysitter sit, while they crawl around, chewing slippers, licking shoes and gnawing the dog. ( My dogs will actually put their tails between their legs and slink out of the house when they hear my mom say on the phone "Sure we will take care of Rohan" )
4. The smallest speck on the floor is immediately spotted, minutely scrutinized and eaten. This includes ants, cockroaches and other miscellaneous life forms that are bite sized. Baby food is for woosies. No self-respecting baby will eat it. (The modern art on our walls is dried baby food by the way, in case you think we are art connoisseurs.)
5. When baby takes your finger and chews on it appreciatively it does not mean she is hungry. It means you did not wash your hands after dusting the sofa/bathing the dog/gardening etc.
6. Babies have internal radar that tells them if you are within 5 feet of their crib. So it is advised to leave the TV ‘ON’ when you need to go out of the room. The noise won’t fool them but they know that you will definitely be back after the commercials.
7. Water in the dogs bowl tastes much better than the boiled water served in sterile bottles. Ditto with the dogs food. Ditto with the dog. ( Cerelac/babyfood is for dogs)
8. Kids know immediately when they look at you that they have a sucker in their hands.
My mom said I could shave my legs (a 7 year old)
Daddy said I could use your lipstick (a 5 year old)
My mom said that I could watch Desperate Housewives (an 8 year old)
and my favorite
Brat: If you let me play in water I won’t tell Mummy that I fell down from the swing ok?”
Me: But you didn’t fall down the swing!!!
Brat: I know.
9. Answer all their questions patiently or the consequences can be unpleasant.
Brat: What are you reading?
Me: A book.
My Mom to brat: What is the chechi doing?
Brat: She is reading a book.
Mom: What book?
Brat: Aunty lying on top of uncle.
Mom’s reactions withheld but she was in my room before I could say “Charge of the Moral Brigade”. (the book “ a romantic tragedy” had the cover picture of a young couple, the girl leaning on the man’s shoulder whilst they both looked at the sunset)
10. Be appropriately dressed when kids are around.
Brat to my Dad: Why are your boobs so small?
Dad: Huh ?!?!?!.... I think I hear the phone ringing!
11. Be prepared for embarrassing questions.
Brat: What is adultery?
Me: er...where did you get that word?
Brat: We are learning Ten Commandments in Catechism Class…
Me: um..er...mmmm...ahem...it is some sort of sin.
Brat: Wrong!! You commit adultery if you run away with that uncle next door.
Me: %$@&*# If you know the answer then why did you ask me the question?
Brat: I was just checking.
Me: *censored*
(I pity Primary School Catechism teachers)
12. Be prepared for mental battles.
Me to mom: Arun’s mom says we should not give him E.G.G.
(spelling it out so 4 year old Arun will not catch on)
Mom: So Arun what would you like to eat?
Arun: E.G.G.
Same kid had a cold and was thus forbidden to eat Ice Cream. But he kept bugging me and finally exasperated I said: Read my mouth NO!
Arun: Read my mouth “YES!”
13. And lastly they are uncomplicated.
Me to my friend: What will happen if you put a Blue Elephant into a Red sea?
Friend 1: The elephant will become red?!
Friend 2: It will become a bluish red?
Friend 3: hmmm..it will become purple as blue+ red is purple.
Brat: It will drown.
Brat got it right.
( The youngest baby we babysat was a two month old infant whose mommy had to air dash to London for some examination. When she got back we had to conduct an induction programme to reacquaint her with her baby. After the induction I gave her a 60/100. My mom gave her a 10/100. Thank god for the Law of Averages she got to take the baby home!!)
There fore during weekends we would get a gaggle of babies, toddlers and brats into our house for ‘safekeeping’ so that new mom and dads and the not so new mom and dads could have a night out in town. (Little did they realize that it was us that needed to be kept safe from them.)
(*‘Kin’ is defined as my mom and me.)
Here are some lessons I have learnt after years of baby-sitting, which may prove useful to new parents and masochists in search of newer and better methods of receiving punishments.
1. The smaller the baby, the easier they are to take care. The bigger they are the better if you are away on a vacation when they are visiting.
2. The age of the baby/kid in months is directly proportional to the BDA plots that your Doctor will buy from the consultation fees you pay him for treating your ulcers, fast graying hair, nervous breakdowns etc.
3. Babies prefer that the babysitter sit, while they crawl around, chewing slippers, licking shoes and gnawing the dog. ( My dogs will actually put their tails between their legs and slink out of the house when they hear my mom say on the phone "Sure we will take care of Rohan" )
4. The smallest speck on the floor is immediately spotted, minutely scrutinized and eaten. This includes ants, cockroaches and other miscellaneous life forms that are bite sized. Baby food is for woosies. No self-respecting baby will eat it. (The modern art on our walls is dried baby food by the way, in case you think we are art connoisseurs.)
5. When baby takes your finger and chews on it appreciatively it does not mean she is hungry. It means you did not wash your hands after dusting the sofa/bathing the dog/gardening etc.
6. Babies have internal radar that tells them if you are within 5 feet of their crib. So it is advised to leave the TV ‘ON’ when you need to go out of the room. The noise won’t fool them but they know that you will definitely be back after the commercials.
7. Water in the dogs bowl tastes much better than the boiled water served in sterile bottles. Ditto with the dogs food. Ditto with the dog. ( Cerelac/babyfood is for dogs)
8. Kids know immediately when they look at you that they have a sucker in their hands.
My mom said I could shave my legs (a 7 year old)
Daddy said I could use your lipstick (a 5 year old)
My mom said that I could watch Desperate Housewives (an 8 year old)
and my favorite
Brat: If you let me play in water I won’t tell Mummy that I fell down from the swing ok?”
Me: But you didn’t fall down the swing!!!
Brat: I know.
9. Answer all their questions patiently or the consequences can be unpleasant.
Brat: What are you reading?
Me: A book.
My Mom to brat: What is the chechi doing?
Brat: She is reading a book.
Mom: What book?
Brat: Aunty lying on top of uncle.
Mom’s reactions withheld but she was in my room before I could say “Charge of the Moral Brigade”. (the book “ a romantic tragedy” had the cover picture of a young couple, the girl leaning on the man’s shoulder whilst they both looked at the sunset)
10. Be appropriately dressed when kids are around.
Brat to my Dad: Why are your boobs so small?
Dad: Huh ?!?!?!.... I think I hear the phone ringing!
11. Be prepared for embarrassing questions.
Brat: What is adultery?
Me: er...where did you get that word?
Brat: We are learning Ten Commandments in Catechism Class…
Me: um..er...mmmm...ahem...it is some sort of sin.
Brat: Wrong!! You commit adultery if you run away with that uncle next door.
Me: %$@&*# If you know the answer then why did you ask me the question?
Brat: I was just checking.
Me: *censored*
(I pity Primary School Catechism teachers)
12. Be prepared for mental battles.
Me to mom: Arun’s mom says we should not give him E.G.G.
(spelling it out so 4 year old Arun will not catch on)
Mom: So Arun what would you like to eat?
Arun: E.G.G.
Same kid had a cold and was thus forbidden to eat Ice Cream. But he kept bugging me and finally exasperated I said: Read my mouth NO!
Arun: Read my mouth “YES!”
13. And lastly they are uncomplicated.
Me to my friend: What will happen if you put a Blue Elephant into a Red sea?
Friend 1: The elephant will become red?!
Friend 2: It will become a bluish red?
Friend 3: hmmm..it will become purple as blue+ red is purple.
Brat: It will drown.
Brat got it right.
( The youngest baby we babysat was a two month old infant whose mommy had to air dash to London for some examination. When she got back we had to conduct an induction programme to reacquaint her with her baby. After the induction I gave her a 60/100. My mom gave her a 10/100. Thank god for the Law of Averages she got to take the baby home!!)
Saturday, April 01, 2006
To Goa
(Warning: Very long post.This was written after this post after which a lot of people asked for a sequel)
Let me describe the second lap of our journey from Mangalore to Goa. We left Kerala, spent a day at beautiful Mangalore and the next day took the Mangalore-Goa road. This route is a very scenic route and it is advised to use blinkers for car occupants during this journey. Otherwise car occupants will do crazy things like stopping the car every half an hour or so to take pictures of the beautiful sights. It is advisable to have patient drivers like my elder brother G who will patiently pull over every time I wanted to click a snap.
By the time we reached Bhatkal we were in a holiday mood. I would describe holiday mood as that state of being when you stop looking at the watch or the milestone and just enjoy the time without worrying about the next moment. Goa was somewhere in the horizon, but we were in no hurry to reach it. After a drive of an hour or so out of Mangalore, we hit a small beach. The water was an unusual grey and blended into the grey sky. The whole scene looked surreal like we were watching an episode from Star Trek. It was with great difficulty that we tore our eyes from the sea and drove on. We stopped at Bhatkal and were lucky to witness the arrival of fishing boats and the hectic auctioneering that follows soon after the catch is loaded. A basket of mackerels was sold for Rs 50 right before my eyes!!!! That would be around 10 kilos definitely. I suddenly felt bad at the haggling my Mom did with the fish seller who comes in regularly. These guys certainly don't have it easy. I looked at the fishing boat proudly festooned with the Indian tricolor and wondered how these guys managed to make both ends meet? :(
The Bhatkal Light House is an amazing place. You drive up this steep hill on a road that is perhaps a few inches broader than a ribbon to reach the lighthouse. The view from the lighthouse is breathtaking. We stood in silence and let the view sink in. Massive waves broke against the cliff walls below and I just couldn't believe that I was in India. This as a scene straight out of English novels. The confluence of the sea and mountains throughout the route was an amazing sight! (No guys, Karnataka Tourism is not paying me to write this, though their last cheque did bounce!)
We lunched at Karwar at a restaurant cum bar !!! ( it was the only place open at 3pm) The food was decent, the place wasn't. Any minute I expected a Silk Smitha to come floating out of the silk curtains and garish light festooned doorway. My mom and me were as out of place as two Nuns in a tattoo parlor. While G tried to stifle his laughter at our situation, M looked around with exaggerated interest and asked the Manager when the floorshow would start. The Manager suitably pleased at the thought of a prospective customer informed M that 'Belita' and her troupe would perform from 6 pm onwards. M put on another overly exaggerated look of disappointment and said mournfully that he would not be able to witness the spectacular floorshow as he had to drive to Goa. He then proceeded to do what he always does at restaurants. He asked the Manager if they served 'Duck'!
The poor manager who looked like a MacMohan clone ( of Samba fame in Sholay) was flummoxed. He went into the kitchen to check with the cook. By now G was chuckling away, while my Mom looked very disapproving and Dad tried hard to hide his smile behind the Menu card. My mom did what she usually does when M takes off on his pranks. She took the menu and ordered lunch from another waiter. MacMohan came back saying that they did not have “duck' but they had chicken. Again M put on that look of exaggerated disappointment and he sighed loudly and asked if they had ‘goose’? MacMohan went into a tizzy again and went to check the same with the cook. By this time I was laughing uncontrollably, my mom was looking daggers at M and M was reading the menu rather too gravely.
Drinking is a strict no-no while driving so both brothers had to watch Dad and me gulp down chilled beer while they had to make do with Musambi Juice. MacMohan looked very disapproving now. Two young guys and drinking Musambi juice??? I am sure he must have thought that he had seen everything he had to see in this trade. The waiter bought in my Chicken Biryani and M asked the waiter innocently if the meat was crow meat or chicken meat? The waiter was taken aback, and then recovering his composure replied with all sincerity that it was indeed chicken. He then proceeded to explain in all innocence that the restaurant did not serve crow. M nodded sagely and said gravely that he understood how difficult it was to catch crows!
We limbered into Goa late in the evening and were promptly stopped by the cops. We were waved behind a row of cars that were stopped similarly. A sleepy cop who perhaps did not see G clearly under the Sodium Vapor lamp wanted to know why he wasn't wearing a Khaki shirt!!! This time it was M's turn to hoot with laughter as G explained patiently that this was a private car and he wasn't a taxi driver. The cop noticed the white board and sheepishly waved us on. I guess it was time for the poor cop to go home and have his Feni.
We met surprisingly friendly cops in Goa. Imagine this scene. My brother and friend driving back at 7 pm to the resort after a day of scuba diving. A cop stops them and asks them where they were heading. When they disclosed that they were going back to the resort, the cop looked surprised and remarked that 7 'o' clock was party time and not a decent hour to be going back to the room!!! He then waved them on after advising them on the most happening nightclubs in town. He left a big impression on the guys with his warm and friendly nature.
The beaches of Goa were nice and it was cloudy throughout our stay, which made the weather really pleasant. However the waters smelled of fuel from the ever-present boats. We spent mornings on the recliners that the beach shacks hire out. On the last day we saw the shameful sight of a group of Saffron turbaned Sikhs who terrorized and chased every bikini clad foreigner out of the waters till somebody called the cops.
The whole industry is geared towards foreigners and getting a South Indian meal is difficult unless you go to Panaji’. I survived on Subs throughout the holiday and lost hell of a lot of weight by the time we got back. The food at the resort was heavily into meat. On our way back we stopped at a Kamat hotel and had rice and sambhar like starving hordes. :)
If you are going to Goa take the Bangalore, Mangalore, Goa route. It is a whole package of experiences.
Let me describe the second lap of our journey from Mangalore to Goa. We left Kerala, spent a day at beautiful Mangalore and the next day took the Mangalore-Goa road. This route is a very scenic route and it is advised to use blinkers for car occupants during this journey. Otherwise car occupants will do crazy things like stopping the car every half an hour or so to take pictures of the beautiful sights. It is advisable to have patient drivers like my elder brother G who will patiently pull over every time I wanted to click a snap.
By the time we reached Bhatkal we were in a holiday mood. I would describe holiday mood as that state of being when you stop looking at the watch or the milestone and just enjoy the time without worrying about the next moment. Goa was somewhere in the horizon, but we were in no hurry to reach it. After a drive of an hour or so out of Mangalore, we hit a small beach. The water was an unusual grey and blended into the grey sky. The whole scene looked surreal like we were watching an episode from Star Trek. It was with great difficulty that we tore our eyes from the sea and drove on. We stopped at Bhatkal and were lucky to witness the arrival of fishing boats and the hectic auctioneering that follows soon after the catch is loaded. A basket of mackerels was sold for Rs 50 right before my eyes!!!! That would be around 10 kilos definitely. I suddenly felt bad at the haggling my Mom did with the fish seller who comes in regularly. These guys certainly don't have it easy. I looked at the fishing boat proudly festooned with the Indian tricolor and wondered how these guys managed to make both ends meet? :(
The Bhatkal Light House is an amazing place. You drive up this steep hill on a road that is perhaps a few inches broader than a ribbon to reach the lighthouse. The view from the lighthouse is breathtaking. We stood in silence and let the view sink in. Massive waves broke against the cliff walls below and I just couldn't believe that I was in India. This as a scene straight out of English novels. The confluence of the sea and mountains throughout the route was an amazing sight! (No guys, Karnataka Tourism is not paying me to write this, though their last cheque did bounce!)
We lunched at Karwar at a restaurant cum bar !!! ( it was the only place open at 3pm) The food was decent, the place wasn't. Any minute I expected a Silk Smitha to come floating out of the silk curtains and garish light festooned doorway. My mom and me were as out of place as two Nuns in a tattoo parlor. While G tried to stifle his laughter at our situation, M looked around with exaggerated interest and asked the Manager when the floorshow would start. The Manager suitably pleased at the thought of a prospective customer informed M that 'Belita' and her troupe would perform from 6 pm onwards. M put on another overly exaggerated look of disappointment and said mournfully that he would not be able to witness the spectacular floorshow as he had to drive to Goa. He then proceeded to do what he always does at restaurants. He asked the Manager if they served 'Duck'!
The poor manager who looked like a MacMohan clone ( of Samba fame in Sholay) was flummoxed. He went into the kitchen to check with the cook. By now G was chuckling away, while my Mom looked very disapproving and Dad tried hard to hide his smile behind the Menu card. My mom did what she usually does when M takes off on his pranks. She took the menu and ordered lunch from another waiter. MacMohan came back saying that they did not have “duck' but they had chicken. Again M put on that look of exaggerated disappointment and he sighed loudly and asked if they had ‘goose’? MacMohan went into a tizzy again and went to check the same with the cook. By this time I was laughing uncontrollably, my mom was looking daggers at M and M was reading the menu rather too gravely.
Drinking is a strict no-no while driving so both brothers had to watch Dad and me gulp down chilled beer while they had to make do with Musambi Juice. MacMohan looked very disapproving now. Two young guys and drinking Musambi juice??? I am sure he must have thought that he had seen everything he had to see in this trade. The waiter bought in my Chicken Biryani and M asked the waiter innocently if the meat was crow meat or chicken meat? The waiter was taken aback, and then recovering his composure replied with all sincerity that it was indeed chicken. He then proceeded to explain in all innocence that the restaurant did not serve crow. M nodded sagely and said gravely that he understood how difficult it was to catch crows!
We limbered into Goa late in the evening and were promptly stopped by the cops. We were waved behind a row of cars that were stopped similarly. A sleepy cop who perhaps did not see G clearly under the Sodium Vapor lamp wanted to know why he wasn't wearing a Khaki shirt!!! This time it was M's turn to hoot with laughter as G explained patiently that this was a private car and he wasn't a taxi driver. The cop noticed the white board and sheepishly waved us on. I guess it was time for the poor cop to go home and have his Feni.
We met surprisingly friendly cops in Goa. Imagine this scene. My brother and friend driving back at 7 pm to the resort after a day of scuba diving. A cop stops them and asks them where they were heading. When they disclosed that they were going back to the resort, the cop looked surprised and remarked that 7 'o' clock was party time and not a decent hour to be going back to the room!!! He then waved them on after advising them on the most happening nightclubs in town. He left a big impression on the guys with his warm and friendly nature.
The beaches of Goa were nice and it was cloudy throughout our stay, which made the weather really pleasant. However the waters smelled of fuel from the ever-present boats. We spent mornings on the recliners that the beach shacks hire out. On the last day we saw the shameful sight of a group of Saffron turbaned Sikhs who terrorized and chased every bikini clad foreigner out of the waters till somebody called the cops.
The whole industry is geared towards foreigners and getting a South Indian meal is difficult unless you go to Panaji’. I survived on Subs throughout the holiday and lost hell of a lot of weight by the time we got back. The food at the resort was heavily into meat. On our way back we stopped at a Kamat hotel and had rice and sambhar like starving hordes. :)
If you are going to Goa take the Bangalore, Mangalore, Goa route. It is a whole package of experiences.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Learning to drive!
I learnt to drive at the age of 13. Pestered my brother M for approximately one month and fourteen days till he finally gave in just to get me out of his hair I guess. So one fine Saturday morning when my Mom and Dad were out and my eldest brother was in college we set off in my mom’s car for my first lesson. It was a Maruti 800 so my feet could reach the brakes and the accelerator. Now, M is not exactly a patient teacher but I think the thrill of teaching me reckless driving right under Dad’s nose must have enthused him to undertake the job. After he had patiently demonstrated the use of the clutch, gear, accelerator and brake in about tweleve and half seconds, we set off slowly down the road with me behind the wheel and my Lhasa Apso Bubbles in the back seat.
After numerous instructions like:
Do you think Roopa saw me?
Do you think Aparna saw me?
When we pass Ramesh’s house I will duck ok?
If anybody asks, I am here because you blackmailed me into this ok? etc. I was doing pretty well. It didn’t help my driving a bit, but I wasn’t complaining. Beggars can’t be choosers especially when it comes to choosing their siblings.
Learning to drive from an expert is tough, especially if the expert was born with the steering wheel in his hands. And if the student is your sister who was born without the steering wheels in her hands it leads to some uncomfortable situations, especially for pedestrians some of whom are still alive to tell the tale to the cops if I don’t bring the green blouse with gold border from that tailor down the road or provisions from the Iyengar provision shop only or marry their sons when I reach marriageable age. I am still paying a heavy price for my driving lessons that were supposed to be free.
To begin with I could never get the difference between the brake and the accelerator inspite of my brother’s best efforts and crystal clear instructions.
Look out Hump ahead!!!
Slow down
Press gently on the brake
Hey why are you speeding up?
Oops sorry Pai uncle can’t stop and help you pick up the onions
Oops sorry Venkatesha I will pay for the vegetables and the cart
Aiyyo Shobha aunty did that hurt?
I said BRAKE not ACCELARATOR FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!!!
Look out nooo.....* thud *
The *thud* was Nair uncle taking off into the blue yonder Hero cycle and all, losing thrust and landing back successfully on Mother Earth. In fact Nair uncle had a better landing record than NASA shuttle missions during my ‘driving lesson’ days.
After this incident M drove back home and wrote B for brake and A for Accelerator on a piece of paper which he struck on the brake and accelerator.
We set off past Uncle Thomas who shouted “ I am going to tell your...” his last words were lost in the wind as I mistook the accelerator for the brake again. Besides I was too petrified to take my eyes away from the road and read B for Brake and A for Accelerator and WELCOME on the Kerala Coir Board mat. I kept my eyes firmly on the road and foot firmly pressed on the accelerator and learnt to steer, overtake, turn left and right and reverse etc at a pacy 60 mph and higher. My brother was hopping mad and if a genie were appear and grant me three wishes I would have asked for a Remote Control with the options to “Shut him up” “Lower His Volume” and “Shut the dog up”. But since there was no sign of a genie approaching I devised my own remote control to get away from his incessant nagging and shouting. I would say “Duck, I think Gaurav is coming" and M would slide down the seat and stay there for some time while I experimented with the brake and accelerator to my hearts content. After I felt I was fairly sure of this combination I would say, “ Ok, you can come up now, Gaurav is gone”.
So the next few hours M kept sliding up and down the seat while I practiced releasing the clutch slowly while pressing on the accelerator gently, changing the gear while stamping on the clutch etc. After many an “I see Anita on the road” and “Preethi is coming this way” etc., I was fairly sure of how the whole thing worked. I felt as pleased as a punch that had just learnt driving.
On the 3rd Saturday of driving my brother crazy er... driving lessons we were driving into the road leading to my house when my Dad happened to drive by. From the expression on his face when he saw us I could safely surmise that my brother was grounded. But the resultant turns of events? Brother and his bike and his sister and her dog were grounded. Guess I am not very good at face reading.
( Bubbles who would jump into the car the moment anyone opened the car door, developed an irrational fear of cars. The Vet thought and I agreed vehemently, that it was because of the emotional trauma of being grounded. The Vet has since given up practice and now works in a Call Centre)
After numerous instructions like:
Do you think Roopa saw me?
Do you think Aparna saw me?
When we pass Ramesh’s house I will duck ok?
If anybody asks, I am here because you blackmailed me into this ok? etc. I was doing pretty well. It didn’t help my driving a bit, but I wasn’t complaining. Beggars can’t be choosers especially when it comes to choosing their siblings.
Learning to drive from an expert is tough, especially if the expert was born with the steering wheel in his hands. And if the student is your sister who was born without the steering wheels in her hands it leads to some uncomfortable situations, especially for pedestrians some of whom are still alive to tell the tale to the cops if I don’t bring the green blouse with gold border from that tailor down the road or provisions from the Iyengar provision shop only or marry their sons when I reach marriageable age. I am still paying a heavy price for my driving lessons that were supposed to be free.
To begin with I could never get the difference between the brake and the accelerator inspite of my brother’s best efforts and crystal clear instructions.
Look out Hump ahead!!!
Slow down
Press gently on the brake
Hey why are you speeding up?
Oops sorry Pai uncle can’t stop and help you pick up the onions
Oops sorry Venkatesha I will pay for the vegetables and the cart
Aiyyo Shobha aunty did that hurt?
I said BRAKE not ACCELARATOR FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!!!
Look out nooo.....* thud *
The *thud* was Nair uncle taking off into the blue yonder Hero cycle and all, losing thrust and landing back successfully on Mother Earth. In fact Nair uncle had a better landing record than NASA shuttle missions during my ‘driving lesson’ days.
After this incident M drove back home and wrote B for brake and A for Accelerator on a piece of paper which he struck on the brake and accelerator.
We set off past Uncle Thomas who shouted “ I am going to tell your...” his last words were lost in the wind as I mistook the accelerator for the brake again. Besides I was too petrified to take my eyes away from the road and read B for Brake and A for Accelerator and WELCOME on the Kerala Coir Board mat. I kept my eyes firmly on the road and foot firmly pressed on the accelerator and learnt to steer, overtake, turn left and right and reverse etc at a pacy 60 mph and higher. My brother was hopping mad and if a genie were appear and grant me three wishes I would have asked for a Remote Control with the options to “Shut him up” “Lower His Volume” and “Shut the dog up”. But since there was no sign of a genie approaching I devised my own remote control to get away from his incessant nagging and shouting. I would say “Duck, I think Gaurav is coming" and M would slide down the seat and stay there for some time while I experimented with the brake and accelerator to my hearts content. After I felt I was fairly sure of this combination I would say, “ Ok, you can come up now, Gaurav is gone”.
So the next few hours M kept sliding up and down the seat while I practiced releasing the clutch slowly while pressing on the accelerator gently, changing the gear while stamping on the clutch etc. After many an “I see Anita on the road” and “Preethi is coming this way” etc., I was fairly sure of how the whole thing worked. I felt as pleased as a punch that had just learnt driving.
On the 3rd Saturday of driving my brother crazy er... driving lessons we were driving into the road leading to my house when my Dad happened to drive by. From the expression on his face when he saw us I could safely surmise that my brother was grounded. But the resultant turns of events? Brother and his bike and his sister and her dog were grounded. Guess I am not very good at face reading.
( Bubbles who would jump into the car the moment anyone opened the car door, developed an irrational fear of cars. The Vet thought and I agreed vehemently, that it was because of the emotional trauma of being grounded. The Vet has since given up practice and now works in a Call Centre)
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Office Blahging !
Monday morning I got a mail from HR.
We notice that the corporate blog space allocated to you is lying unused. As a communications intern, your blog will be used in your grading. So please use the blog to post articles and news and enjoy this exciting medium.
p.s. If you need any help or information about blogging please contact Ramesh from the Employee Rules and Regulations Team.
Sincerely,
HR
I schedule a meeting with Ramesh to learn about the intricacies of Blogging in the Conference Room.
Me: Hi Ramesh, what is this blog thingy all about?
Ramesh: Did you take a look at the links I sent you?
Me: heh heh Yes, that one on HR bashing was cool. Can I do the same?
Ramesh: er...HR bashing? No no no, you were supposed to read the post on the landing page and not browse the archives !!!!
Me: The archives in that blog were really good. The one on the MD’s browsing history was a scream ha ha ha ha...
Ramesh (sweating): er...please disregard that link I sent you and see this blog!
Me: I was just beginning to have fun. This one is so boring. It talks about productivity at work barf!!!
Ramesh: Exactly!!! Corporate blogs should have useful and fun information.
Me: Fun information? Can I write about Guarav and Jayesh getting beaten up at that seedy bar yesterday?
Ramesh (petrified): Noooooooooooooo!!
Me: But you said I can write fun!!!!
Ramesh (wiping sweat from brow): By fun I meant things like office picnic, team outings, holidays etc.
Me: Oh ok, can I write about our last team outing to the spa?
Ramesh: (beaming): Sure!!! What a good idea!!
Me: Damn! I can’t remember that masseuse’s name.
Ramesh (uneasily): masseuse?????? er...why do you want to write about the masseuse??
Me: She slapped that Project Manager very hard, dunno why.
Ramesh(aghast): Noooooooooo, you can’t write stuff like that.
Me:Just now you told me that I can write about the Team Outing!
Ramesh: I need some strong coffee and a couple of dozen Aspirins. Please read the posts in our office blog and get back to me when you get the concept. In the meantime DO NOT WRITE ANYTHING ON YOUR CORPORATE BLOG OK??????
Me: Ok ok, no need to shout! *grumble*
After Ramesh left I sat down and read all the recent posts on the office blog. It was an amazing read.
A marketing manager had written about Brand Building.
“Brand building is very complicated. I shall research the same and post an article at a later date. In the meantime do check out our competitors latest product called *censored*. It is way ahead of the competition!!
Below it was a footnote by the Blog Administrator
Mr Marketing Guy,
Please do not use office blog to promote the competitors product.
Signed:
Blog Administrator.
p.s. Do let me know where I can buy *censored*.
A techie had written extensively about traveling by BMTC buses with some useful tips and suggestions.
Route No 200 is always full and Route no 201 is tedious and Route no 203 is always late. But if you take Route No. 404 and then get off at Sewersandra and take the 114 you will definitely reach the office late. So I would advice all of you to buy a bike”
A lady in the testing team had written about her travails with her maid with some pointers to retain maids like:
“Don’t let her feel she is the boss”
and
“If she asks for a raise fire her !!!!”
Very informative.
The post by our Administration manager was very reassuring:
“We take great care to see that our Cafeteria food is balanced with the correct proportion of carbohydrate, protein, fat, vitamins, mineral salts and fiber. Let me assure you all that the fourteen employees in the hospital with Gastroenteritis after allegedly eating cafeteria food are telling lies.”
The entry by HR was very touching and bought a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat.
“This year we will not be giving any optional holidays unless there is an earthquake to the magnitude of 9 on the Richter scale or a meteorite collision with Earth. In case of a meteorite collision only those affected by the crash will get an off. The rest will come to work as usual.”
The Finance Manager also had a post. It was interestingly titled:
“Taxation for Dummies. A Self Help Guide for our Employees”
Given below is an excerpt from the post.
“To arrive at your Income Tax for the year 2006/2007, take the distance between the Sun and the Moon, now multiply the figure with your gross income and the subsequent figure should then be divided by the circumference of an ants egg. Simple!”
Even the Sysadmin had an entry. It was titled:
“Weekend Leisure Activities”
Off late I have started trekking during weekends. It is a very healthy activity and has cured me of my squint. Earlier I led a boring life reading your mails and peeping into the folders in your computers. Now I go trekking to Mullayanigiri and Kudremukh and access your systems from the pristine surroundings of these verdant hills. I recommend trekking for all employees.”
After looking at the impressive writings, I realized that I was way out of my league here. I have subsequently asked HR to remove me from the bloggers list.
We notice that the corporate blog space allocated to you is lying unused. As a communications intern, your blog will be used in your grading. So please use the blog to post articles and news and enjoy this exciting medium.
p.s. If you need any help or information about blogging please contact Ramesh from the Employee Rules and Regulations Team.
Sincerely,
HR
I schedule a meeting with Ramesh to learn about the intricacies of Blogging in the Conference Room.
Me: Hi Ramesh, what is this blog thingy all about?
Ramesh: Did you take a look at the links I sent you?
Me: heh heh Yes, that one on HR bashing was cool. Can I do the same?
Ramesh: er...HR bashing? No no no, you were supposed to read the post on the landing page and not browse the archives !!!!
Me: The archives in that blog were really good. The one on the MD’s browsing history was a scream ha ha ha ha...
Ramesh (sweating): er...please disregard that link I sent you and see this blog!
Me: I was just beginning to have fun. This one is so boring. It talks about productivity at work barf!!!
Ramesh: Exactly!!! Corporate blogs should have useful and fun information.
Me: Fun information? Can I write about Guarav and Jayesh getting beaten up at that seedy bar yesterday?
Ramesh (petrified): Noooooooooooooo!!
Me: But you said I can write fun!!!!
Ramesh (wiping sweat from brow): By fun I meant things like office picnic, team outings, holidays etc.
Me: Oh ok, can I write about our last team outing to the spa?
Ramesh: (beaming): Sure!!! What a good idea!!
Me: Damn! I can’t remember that masseuse’s name.
Ramesh (uneasily): masseuse?????? er...why do you want to write about the masseuse??
Me: She slapped that Project Manager very hard, dunno why.
Ramesh(aghast): Noooooooooo, you can’t write stuff like that.
Me:Just now you told me that I can write about the Team Outing!
Ramesh: I need some strong coffee and a couple of dozen Aspirins. Please read the posts in our office blog and get back to me when you get the concept. In the meantime DO NOT WRITE ANYTHING ON YOUR CORPORATE BLOG OK??????
Me: Ok ok, no need to shout! *grumble*
After Ramesh left I sat down and read all the recent posts on the office blog. It was an amazing read.
A marketing manager had written about Brand Building.
“Brand building is very complicated. I shall research the same and post an article at a later date. In the meantime do check out our competitors latest product called *censored*. It is way ahead of the competition!!
Below it was a footnote by the Blog Administrator
Mr Marketing Guy,
Please do not use office blog to promote the competitors product.
Signed:
Blog Administrator.
p.s. Do let me know where I can buy *censored*.
A techie had written extensively about traveling by BMTC buses with some useful tips and suggestions.
Route No 200 is always full and Route no 201 is tedious and Route no 203 is always late. But if you take Route No. 404 and then get off at Sewersandra and take the 114 you will definitely reach the office late. So I would advice all of you to buy a bike”
A lady in the testing team had written about her travails with her maid with some pointers to retain maids like:
“Don’t let her feel she is the boss”
and
“If she asks for a raise fire her !!!!”
Very informative.
The post by our Administration manager was very reassuring:
“We take great care to see that our Cafeteria food is balanced with the correct proportion of carbohydrate, protein, fat, vitamins, mineral salts and fiber. Let me assure you all that the fourteen employees in the hospital with Gastroenteritis after allegedly eating cafeteria food are telling lies.”
The entry by HR was very touching and bought a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat.
“This year we will not be giving any optional holidays unless there is an earthquake to the magnitude of 9 on the Richter scale or a meteorite collision with Earth. In case of a meteorite collision only those affected by the crash will get an off. The rest will come to work as usual.”
The Finance Manager also had a post. It was interestingly titled:
“Taxation for Dummies. A Self Help Guide for our Employees”
Given below is an excerpt from the post.
“To arrive at your Income Tax for the year 2006/2007, take the distance between the Sun and the Moon, now multiply the figure with your gross income and the subsequent figure should then be divided by the circumference of an ants egg. Simple!”
Even the Sysadmin had an entry. It was titled:
“Weekend Leisure Activities”
Off late I have started trekking during weekends. It is a very healthy activity and has cured me of my squint. Earlier I led a boring life reading your mails and peeping into the folders in your computers. Now I go trekking to Mullayanigiri and Kudremukh and access your systems from the pristine surroundings of these verdant hills. I recommend trekking for all employees.”
After looking at the impressive writings, I realized that I was way out of my league here. I have subsequently asked HR to remove me from the bloggers list.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
The Man Hunt !
The phone was ringing stridently. My mom approached it cautiously, looked at the Caller ID and motioned me to pick up the phone. Now this was bad news. Whenever she did this, it usually meant that some pesky 'Ungle' or 'Aundy' was calling. With a sigh I picked up the phone and an avalanche of conversation fell into my ears.
Aunt: “Hellooooooo. How are you, How is mummy, daddy, your brothers and the dogs and ......”
Me: They are all fine and so are the neighbors and their dogs.
Aunt: That is sooooooo nice.
Me (cutting in): So what do you want Aunty?
Aunt ( in her best fake sad voice): You know your cousin Sarah has just finished her B.Tech and has got a nice job in Trivandrum. We are looking for a ‘suitable boy’ for her.
Me: So?
Aunt (slyly): So...I heard you are doing your internship in an IT MNC...I am sure there are many suitable boys...maybe you could enquire?
Me: No way!!!! I am not running behind guys asking them to marry your daughter.
Aunt: * sob * you know how sick your uncle is?
Me: Yes...but he is attending Alcoholics Anonymous isn't he?
Aunt: And *sniff * you know about my knee problem...
Me: Aunty didn’t the doctor tell you to reduce your weight to 125 kgs?
Aunt: And your cousin brother Tojo is still in 10th std...
Me: Approximately how many years has he spent in 10th Std and approx how many buses do you think Tojo has burnt till now?
Aunt (proudly): Four!!! Ok dear I have to go now. I knew I could count on you, I will send Sarah’s details as soon as possible, Byeeeeeeeee
Me: but...but...
I realize I am speaking to no one in particular.
I know when I am suckered. This ‘aunt’ is related to us through a series of accidents. She is my moms cousin brother’s sister-in-laws neighbors dog’s owner who bit my mom’s cousin brother who then developed Rabies and bit the dog. Mallu networking is very 'komblicated' you see!
Next day I reached office rather early and after taking a good look around to see that no one was around, took down all the names of the unmarried males from my community in the office from the Intranet. I got 10 probables, all Engineers and apparently eligible. I entered their names in an Excel sheet and waited for the office gossip a.k.a Executive Secretary to VP Finance to arrive. She would have all the dirt on the ‘candidates’ plus some on their past lives too, besides she will also have the salaries of my targets down to the last decimal. Very nice. I give myself a mental pat for having the foresight to restrain myself from hitting her on the head with the keyboard when I found her reading my mails.
Miss Executive Secretary a.k.a. Swati strolls in an agonizing hour late takes a quick look at the list and gives me the low down.
Swati: Thomas? He is slightly cockeyed and drinks like a fish.
Me: What about Joseph?
Swati: Drinks like a whale.
Me: And Bobby?
Swati: Drinks like a Whale with an alcohol problem.
Me: How about Biju?
Swati: Will be kicked out soon for non performance.
Me: And Chacko?
Swati (lowering her voice): I heard he is married, but I am not sure. He denies it.
Me (in despair): What about Anil, Ronny and Tarun?
Swati: Anil has got a limp, Ronny has a wife and Tarun has a massive chip on his shoulders.
Evening as soon as I stepped foot into the house the phone rings. I pick up the phone resignedly.
Me: Yes Aunty, I have the information.
Aunt: That is sooooo sweet of you. So tell me did you get a good boy for my Sarah?
Me: No, all the guys in my office are married.
Aunt: What do you mean married? What about Thomas?
Me: er...how do you know about him?
Aunt: And what about Joseph?
Me: ummmm he is a very social guy I heard.
Aunt: And Bobby?
Me: Well...he is even more social...
Aunt (triumphantly): And Biju?
Me: He is er...leaving the job.
Aunt: To a better paying company, his mom told me! You are just jealous! You do not want my Sarah to be well settled. We like Biju. Nice boy and from a good family too. I am going ahead with the proposal.
Me: Aunty please listen....
Aunt slams down the receiver.
I am not invited to the wedding.
Aunt: “Hellooooooo. How are you, How is mummy, daddy, your brothers and the dogs and ......”
Me: They are all fine and so are the neighbors and their dogs.
Aunt: That is sooooooo nice.
Me (cutting in): So what do you want Aunty?
Aunt ( in her best fake sad voice): You know your cousin Sarah has just finished her B.Tech and has got a nice job in Trivandrum. We are looking for a ‘suitable boy’ for her.
Me: So?
Aunt (slyly): So...I heard you are doing your internship in an IT MNC...I am sure there are many suitable boys...maybe you could enquire?
Me: No way!!!! I am not running behind guys asking them to marry your daughter.
Aunt: * sob * you know how sick your uncle is?
Me: Yes...but he is attending Alcoholics Anonymous isn't he?
Aunt: And *sniff * you know about my knee problem...
Me: Aunty didn’t the doctor tell you to reduce your weight to 125 kgs?
Aunt: And your cousin brother Tojo is still in 10th std...
Me: Approximately how many years has he spent in 10th Std and approx how many buses do you think Tojo has burnt till now?
Aunt (proudly): Four!!! Ok dear I have to go now. I knew I could count on you, I will send Sarah’s details as soon as possible, Byeeeeeeeee
Me: but...but...
I realize I am speaking to no one in particular.
I know when I am suckered. This ‘aunt’ is related to us through a series of accidents. She is my moms cousin brother’s sister-in-laws neighbors dog’s owner who bit my mom’s cousin brother who then developed Rabies and bit the dog. Mallu networking is very 'komblicated' you see!
Next day I reached office rather early and after taking a good look around to see that no one was around, took down all the names of the unmarried males from my community in the office from the Intranet. I got 10 probables, all Engineers and apparently eligible. I entered their names in an Excel sheet and waited for the office gossip a.k.a Executive Secretary to VP Finance to arrive. She would have all the dirt on the ‘candidates’ plus some on their past lives too, besides she will also have the salaries of my targets down to the last decimal. Very nice. I give myself a mental pat for having the foresight to restrain myself from hitting her on the head with the keyboard when I found her reading my mails.
Miss Executive Secretary a.k.a. Swati strolls in an agonizing hour late takes a quick look at the list and gives me the low down.
Swati: Thomas? He is slightly cockeyed and drinks like a fish.
Me: What about Joseph?
Swati: Drinks like a whale.
Me: And Bobby?
Swati: Drinks like a Whale with an alcohol problem.
Me: How about Biju?
Swati: Will be kicked out soon for non performance.
Me: And Chacko?
Swati (lowering her voice): I heard he is married, but I am not sure. He denies it.
Me (in despair): What about Anil, Ronny and Tarun?
Swati: Anil has got a limp, Ronny has a wife and Tarun has a massive chip on his shoulders.
Evening as soon as I stepped foot into the house the phone rings. I pick up the phone resignedly.
Me: Yes Aunty, I have the information.
Aunt: That is sooooo sweet of you. So tell me did you get a good boy for my Sarah?
Me: No, all the guys in my office are married.
Aunt: What do you mean married? What about Thomas?
Me: er...how do you know about him?
Aunt: And what about Joseph?
Me: ummmm he is a very social guy I heard.
Aunt: And Bobby?
Me: Well...he is even more social...
Aunt (triumphantly): And Biju?
Me: He is er...leaving the job.
Aunt: To a better paying company, his mom told me! You are just jealous! You do not want my Sarah to be well settled. We like Biju. Nice boy and from a good family too. I am going ahead with the proposal.
Me: Aunty please listen....
Aunt slams down the receiver.
I am not invited to the wedding.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Visa Power !
A top Indian Scientists Visa to the US was rejected by the the consular officer (CO) after he "submitted him to intense scrutiny, accused him of hiding things and being a danger to America and denied his visa pending further review." Newspaper Report.
Now, one cannot entirely blame the US for putting Visa restriction on Indian scientists, due to their notorious misdeeds in the past. There is no smoke without a fire and we should stop the self righteous indignation over the above incident. Let me tell you about an incident that happened in the year 2001. This incident is the reason why strict checks and measures are now being applied on Indian scientists.
US Embassy, New Delhi. An Indian Scientist is giving in his Visa application papers to the Consular Officer.
Consular Officer (CO) (looking intently at the Indian scientist): So you are a chemist?
Indian Scientist (IS): Yes Sir.
CO: You dispense medicines?
IS:No no, I don’t dispense medicines.
CS: But it says here that you are a chemist.
IO (patiently ):Well... I am not that type of a chemist, I am a Research Scientist
CO: And I am Brad Pitt ha ha ha...I am afraid I have to reject your Visa application because you have provided false information.
CO: Next !!!!!!
CO(to next applicant): Why do you want to go to the US?
Applicant: I am going to learn to fly plane.
CO: Ah !!! A student I see. Have a nice stay in the US . Do check out the World Trade Centre and Pentagon while you are there.
Applicant: I have already done that you infidel !!!
CO(to next applicant): And why do you want to go to the US young man?
Applicant (happily): To learn to fly plane.
CO: That seems to be a popular course. I suppose you will get a big job as a pilot in some big airline after that yeah?
Applicant(beaming): No my leader says I will get 14 virgins in heaven.
CO: er... sure...
CO(to next applicant): Hello Mr. O’Sammy, And why do you want to go to the US?
O’Sammy: Because I hate the Yankee infidels.
CO: Well...I am no great fan of The Yankees myself...hmmm your name seems kinda familiar.
O’Sammy: It is the English version of my name you dimwit !
CO: hmmm You also look different in your photo Mr O’Sammy.
O’Sammy: Because I have shaved my beard you moron.
CO: Ah! And you hair seems kinda different too.
O’Sammy: That is because I have removed the scarf you pig!
CO: And what is that bulge in your side ?
O’Sammy (patting the Grenade and looking menacingly): That is something for you if I don’t get the Visa grrrrr
CO(taken aback): Jeez, what’s with the attitude!!! Have a nice stay in the US Mr. O’Sammy.
O’Sammy(shouting): Hail Holy War !!!!
CO( muttering to himself): Holy war indeed, bet you he can’t swat a fly if he wanted to $@%@^&
The Indian Scientist now decides to give a last ditch attempt at getting his Visa. He oils his hair with coconut oil, combs his hair neatly and steps up confidently.
Scientist: Good Morning ! I yam an Indian scientist. I yam highly qualified. I do not need much resources to make weapons of mass destruction. I can make a bomb with a shoelace and an empty Ice Cream cup. In fact if your country is facing a cash crunch I can manage with the shoe lace alone.And if you were to add a empty packet of Lays I would be able to able to make a Hydrogen Bomb too. Isn't it simbly amazing !!
CO: Interesting ! What is your name?
Scientist: Venkatachalpathaiah Muthueswaran Sivasubramanian Rao.
CO types in the name , the computer goes * boink * , then crashes taking the entire network of computers in the US, the lights in the embassy start flickering and Air Force One makes an emergency landing. The only message on the now black monitor is “Operating system found dead”.
Scientist: Aiyyo.
CO: grrrrrrrrrrrrr NEXT !!!!!!
I rest my case.
Now, one cannot entirely blame the US for putting Visa restriction on Indian scientists, due to their notorious misdeeds in the past. There is no smoke without a fire and we should stop the self righteous indignation over the above incident. Let me tell you about an incident that happened in the year 2001. This incident is the reason why strict checks and measures are now being applied on Indian scientists.
US Embassy, New Delhi. An Indian Scientist is giving in his Visa application papers to the Consular Officer.
Consular Officer (CO) (looking intently at the Indian scientist): So you are a chemist?
Indian Scientist (IS): Yes Sir.
CO: You dispense medicines?
IS:No no, I don’t dispense medicines.
CS: But it says here that you are a chemist.
IO (patiently ):Well... I am not that type of a chemist, I am a Research Scientist
CO: And I am Brad Pitt ha ha ha...I am afraid I have to reject your Visa application because you have provided false information.
CO: Next !!!!!!
CO(to next applicant): Why do you want to go to the US?
Applicant: I am going to learn to fly plane.
CO: Ah !!! A student I see. Have a nice stay in the US . Do check out the World Trade Centre and Pentagon while you are there.
Applicant: I have already done that you infidel !!!
CO(to next applicant): And why do you want to go to the US young man?
Applicant (happily): To learn to fly plane.
CO: That seems to be a popular course. I suppose you will get a big job as a pilot in some big airline after that yeah?
Applicant(beaming): No my leader says I will get 14 virgins in heaven.
CO: er... sure...
CO(to next applicant): Hello Mr. O’Sammy, And why do you want to go to the US?
O’Sammy: Because I hate the Yankee infidels.
CO: Well...I am no great fan of The Yankees myself...hmmm your name seems kinda familiar.
O’Sammy: It is the English version of my name you dimwit !
CO: hmmm You also look different in your photo Mr O’Sammy.
O’Sammy: Because I have shaved my beard you moron.
CO: Ah! And you hair seems kinda different too.
O’Sammy: That is because I have removed the scarf you pig!
CO: And what is that bulge in your side ?
O’Sammy (patting the Grenade and looking menacingly): That is something for you if I don’t get the Visa grrrrr
CO(taken aback): Jeez, what’s with the attitude!!! Have a nice stay in the US Mr. O’Sammy.
O’Sammy(shouting): Hail Holy War !!!!
CO( muttering to himself): Holy war indeed, bet you he can’t swat a fly if he wanted to $@%@^&
The Indian Scientist now decides to give a last ditch attempt at getting his Visa. He oils his hair with coconut oil, combs his hair neatly and steps up confidently.
Scientist: Good Morning ! I yam an Indian scientist. I yam highly qualified. I do not need much resources to make weapons of mass destruction. I can make a bomb with a shoelace and an empty Ice Cream cup. In fact if your country is facing a cash crunch I can manage with the shoe lace alone.And if you were to add a empty packet of Lays I would be able to able to make a Hydrogen Bomb too. Isn't it simbly amazing !!
CO: Interesting ! What is your name?
Scientist: Venkatachalpathaiah Muthueswaran Sivasubramanian Rao.
CO types in the name , the computer goes * boink * , then crashes taking the entire network of computers in the US, the lights in the embassy start flickering and Air Force One makes an emergency landing. The only message on the now black monitor is “Operating system found dead”.
Scientist: Aiyyo.
CO: grrrrrrrrrrrrr NEXT !!!!!!
I rest my case.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
An enriching Xperience
Sometime last year my Sysadmin installed Windows XP in my comp. It would make my life very easy he declared. Apparently Windows XP will provide rich, wireless network support, helping me to simply and easily connect to wireless networks and it is very intelligent too. I was so happy. It would be so helpful to someone who uses only MS Word.
I had a first hand experience of its ‘advanced features’ when I tried to shut down the comp for the very first time since it was installed:
Windows XP (WXP): There are other users connected to your computer. Shutting down your computer will make you lose your hair and some more. Continue with shut down?
Me: Yes
WXP: Are you sure?
Me: Yes
WXP: Lock kiya jaye?
Me: Shut down you dumb thing!!!
WXP: Galath jawaab. Try shutting down the computer again when you have learnt some manners.
Me: Shut down or I pull the plug!
WXP: Oh noo, I am so scared hee hee
Me: grrrrr !!
I use the Windows Task Manager to shut down the comp and after taking a generous swig of Gelusil called my Sysadmin for a refresher course.
Sysadmin: So what’s wrong or shall I say what’s right with your comp hee hee.
Me: What an awesome joke man!!! You are hilarious! I am having some problems with WXP.
Sysadmin: Thank you, thank you it’s very original you know.
Me: Amazing joke!!! I am unable to shut down the comp.
Sysadmin: heh heh I am a funny man.
Me: Sure you are...now I need you to check my OS.
Sysadmin: I try to make people smile.
Me: I know, but my WXP is giving me a lot of grief.
Sysadmin: Windows XP? I have no clue. Now lemme go share the joke with the boys heh heh.
Me: @%#^&@*%#+ !!!!
WXP has a feature that keeps a eye on the going ons in my PC and generates regular hi-tech reports to be sent to the Microsoft guys for prompt action.
She blogs at work. (AHA!!!)
She downloads baby pictures (yuck)
She is copying recipes from Tarla Dalal site (what a loser)
She is sticking her tongue out at me (pffft)
And then it will open this small window every irritating two second or so and ask "Shall I send this error report to Microsoft? It will be absolutely confidential. You will not be sued; we will just use this information to make your pirated WXP experience more pleasurable." More gelusil.
I have WXP at home too. Now my UPS is on the blink and gives me exactly one minute to shut down the comp after the power goes out. But WXP is so advanced that it will shut down the comp only after weighing the pros and cons of the said action.
WXP: The DSL connection is active. Would you like to continue with Shut Down?
Me: Yes
WXP: hmmm...
Me: What are you doing ?!?!
WXP: I am thinking...hmmm
Me: Shut down for gods sake!!!
WXP: hmmm.... *blink* (battery power out)
Me: @%#^&@*%#+ !!!!
I think I need further training to build on my limited knowledge of the Windows XP operating system and the skilled facets of XP's functionality and features.
I am now undergoing rigorous training at the "Advanced Workshop in Anger Management" being conducted by the Windows XP Users Association.
I had a first hand experience of its ‘advanced features’ when I tried to shut down the comp for the very first time since it was installed:
Windows XP (WXP): There are other users connected to your computer. Shutting down your computer will make you lose your hair and some more. Continue with shut down?
Me: Yes
WXP: Are you sure?
Me: Yes
WXP: Lock kiya jaye?
Me: Shut down you dumb thing!!!
WXP: Galath jawaab. Try shutting down the computer again when you have learnt some manners.
Me: Shut down or I pull the plug!
WXP: Oh noo, I am so scared hee hee
Me: grrrrr !!
I use the Windows Task Manager to shut down the comp and after taking a generous swig of Gelusil called my Sysadmin for a refresher course.
Sysadmin: So what’s wrong or shall I say what’s right with your comp hee hee.
Me: What an awesome joke man!!! You are hilarious! I am having some problems with WXP.
Sysadmin: Thank you, thank you it’s very original you know.
Me: Amazing joke!!! I am unable to shut down the comp.
Sysadmin: heh heh I am a funny man.
Me: Sure you are...now I need you to check my OS.
Sysadmin: I try to make people smile.
Me: I know, but my WXP is giving me a lot of grief.
Sysadmin: Windows XP? I have no clue. Now lemme go share the joke with the boys heh heh.
Me: @%#^&@*%#+ !!!!
WXP has a feature that keeps a eye on the going ons in my PC and generates regular hi-tech reports to be sent to the Microsoft guys for prompt action.
She blogs at work. (AHA!!!)
She downloads baby pictures (yuck)
She is copying recipes from Tarla Dalal site (what a loser)
She is sticking her tongue out at me (pffft)
And then it will open this small window every irritating two second or so and ask "Shall I send this error report to Microsoft? It will be absolutely confidential. You will not be sued; we will just use this information to make your pirated WXP experience more pleasurable." More gelusil.
I have WXP at home too. Now my UPS is on the blink and gives me exactly one minute to shut down the comp after the power goes out. But WXP is so advanced that it will shut down the comp only after weighing the pros and cons of the said action.
WXP: The DSL connection is active. Would you like to continue with Shut Down?
Me: Yes
WXP: hmmm...
Me: What are you doing ?!?!
WXP: I am thinking...hmmm
Me: Shut down for gods sake!!!
WXP: hmmm.... *blink* (battery power out)
Me: @%#^&@*%#+ !!!!
I think I need further training to build on my limited knowledge of the Windows XP operating system and the skilled facets of XP's functionality and features.
I am now undergoing rigorous training at the "Advanced Workshop in Anger Management" being conducted by the Windows XP Users Association.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Hair Racing ideas!
Disclaimer: Guys reading this post may experience uncomfortable pressure, pain in the center of the chest lasting more than a few minutes besides chest discomfort with lightheadedness, fainting, sweating, nausea or shortness of breath and feeling of impending doom. Read at your own risk.
Saturday dawned bright and sunny and I am greeted by the lovely sound of chirping birds and a peculiar whine, which sounded awfully like a cross between a Dentist’s drill and a constipated Bumble Bee. Very penetrating. Upon inspection I found that it was actually the sound of a puke green colored car that my brother was driving over a barren landscape grievously injuring many other motorists on his computer monitor. By now everyone knows I don’t like treeless landscapes and this place where he was driving this car really needed some urgent landscaping. Apart from some Palm trees (ugh they grow in deserts) and endless asphalt roads there was nothing else to see on the monitor. I casually ask my brother why there were no gardens or pretty lakes next to the road where he is driving this ugly looking contraption. "SILENCE"
As a kid my Dad told me something that I will remember for a long time. He said: “If your brother doesn’t listen to you, press the 'Escape' key on his keyboard.” He even showed me the 'Escape’ key. I think I learnt E.S.C.A.P.E before A.B.C.D.E.F. Since then I have won many wars and arguments by merely threatening to press the 'Escape’ key.
Me: Give me your cell phone*
Brother: Over my dead body
Me: (making a buzzing noise and moving finger towards 'escape' key)
Brother: Ok, ok, take it grrrrrrrrr
(* can be replaced by money, CD’s, pens, you name it you will get it)
So I press the ‘Escape’ key, the game comes to a halt and I get a split second look of utter disbelief before he resumes his zombie like gaze into the monitor. ( Jeez what did I do wrong????)
After staring at the dreary scenery of the “Lets mangle and kill each other I” game it dawned on me suddenly why we girls are not so much into PC games. No self-respecting girl will feel like driving in such tasteless surroundings. However... if you were to only put in tree lined avenues, flowers and trees and perhaps a fountain or two then you might actually get girls interested in the game. We wouldn’t mind a couple of gamboling deers or squirrels too. Of course there will be minus points if you run them over. Better still, the player who runs over the deers or drives into the garden destroying the flowers will be debarred from life to play a PC game, playstation or video game. What a brilliant idea!
I press the 'Escape' key once again and tell my brother the brilliant idea. There is sheer murder in his eyes. (What did I do wrong now??? )
Now that I think about it even the cars in Need for Speed can be spruced up and made more interesting. At present they look positively ugly. Period. No self respecting girl will drive a car that has Pennzoil and Goodyear written all over them. Why not make the cars look snazzy with some bright colors? How about Summer Reds, Meadow Greens, Sunshine Yellows and Aquamarine Blues in the “Lets mangle and kill each other 2”? The cars will look so pretty. And how about some pretty designs on the cars like floral motifs, random brush strokes of bright colors, colorful speckles etc. My car would definitely have my doggie’s face painted on it.
I press the 'escape’ key once again to tell him about this stroke of genius. If looks could vaporize I would be an atom by now.
I mentally make a note of exploring the profession of a Virtual Games Designer. I am sure it has potential. I press the ‘Escape’ key once again and tell my brother my path breaking idea and get another split second and a half look of pure terror like that moment before I dented his bike with the car. Don’t judge him too harshly. He has this important job of finishing this lap in 75695375 microseconds you see or his team members will vault across the monitor and clobber him.
I am right now in the process of writing to these game manufacturers with my visionary ideas. All you guys there get ready for some colorful and interesting editions of future Virtual games.
p.s. Any of you guys feeling the symptoms I have described in the disclaimer may please hurry to the nearest hospital These are classic symptoms of a Heart Attack.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyone who would like to help lil handicapped kids please click here ~ Silverine
Saturday dawned bright and sunny and I am greeted by the lovely sound of chirping birds and a peculiar whine, which sounded awfully like a cross between a Dentist’s drill and a constipated Bumble Bee. Very penetrating. Upon inspection I found that it was actually the sound of a puke green colored car that my brother was driving over a barren landscape grievously injuring many other motorists on his computer monitor. By now everyone knows I don’t like treeless landscapes and this place where he was driving this car really needed some urgent landscaping. Apart from some Palm trees (ugh they grow in deserts) and endless asphalt roads there was nothing else to see on the monitor. I casually ask my brother why there were no gardens or pretty lakes next to the road where he is driving this ugly looking contraption. "SILENCE"
As a kid my Dad told me something that I will remember for a long time. He said: “If your brother doesn’t listen to you, press the 'Escape' key on his keyboard.” He even showed me the 'Escape’ key. I think I learnt E.S.C.A.P.E before A.B.C.D.E.F. Since then I have won many wars and arguments by merely threatening to press the 'Escape’ key.
Me: Give me your cell phone*
Brother: Over my dead body
Me: (making a buzzing noise and moving finger towards 'escape' key)
Brother: Ok, ok, take it grrrrrrrrr
(* can be replaced by money, CD’s, pens, you name it you will get it)
So I press the ‘Escape’ key, the game comes to a halt and I get a split second look of utter disbelief before he resumes his zombie like gaze into the monitor. ( Jeez what did I do wrong????)
After staring at the dreary scenery of the “Lets mangle and kill each other I” game it dawned on me suddenly why we girls are not so much into PC games. No self-respecting girl will feel like driving in such tasteless surroundings. However... if you were to only put in tree lined avenues, flowers and trees and perhaps a fountain or two then you might actually get girls interested in the game. We wouldn’t mind a couple of gamboling deers or squirrels too. Of course there will be minus points if you run them over. Better still, the player who runs over the deers or drives into the garden destroying the flowers will be debarred from life to play a PC game, playstation or video game. What a brilliant idea!
I press the 'Escape' key once again and tell my brother the brilliant idea. There is sheer murder in his eyes. (What did I do wrong now??? )
Now that I think about it even the cars in Need for Speed can be spruced up and made more interesting. At present they look positively ugly. Period. No self respecting girl will drive a car that has Pennzoil and Goodyear written all over them. Why not make the cars look snazzy with some bright colors? How about Summer Reds, Meadow Greens, Sunshine Yellows and Aquamarine Blues in the “Lets mangle and kill each other 2”? The cars will look so pretty. And how about some pretty designs on the cars like floral motifs, random brush strokes of bright colors, colorful speckles etc. My car would definitely have my doggie’s face painted on it.
I press the 'escape’ key once again to tell him about this stroke of genius. If looks could vaporize I would be an atom by now.
I mentally make a note of exploring the profession of a Virtual Games Designer. I am sure it has potential. I press the ‘Escape’ key once again and tell my brother my path breaking idea and get another split second and a half look of pure terror like that moment before I dented his bike with the car. Don’t judge him too harshly. He has this important job of finishing this lap in 75695375 microseconds you see or his team members will vault across the monitor and clobber him.
I am right now in the process of writing to these game manufacturers with my visionary ideas. All you guys there get ready for some colorful and interesting editions of future Virtual games.
p.s. Any of you guys feeling the symptoms I have described in the disclaimer may please hurry to the nearest hospital These are classic symptoms of a Heart Attack.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyone who would like to help lil handicapped kids please click here ~ Silverine
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Reigning Men
A new government took charge in the State recently. The new Chief Minister has reassured worried Road Contractorsgalu that road works will begin soon. Mr K Kowda the President of the Road Contractors Association of Karnataka whose net worth is reported to be around 100 crores said that the stoppage of all road works in the past two years had hit the contractors very hard. Many of them were now living under the poverty line of 25 cores, which is even worse than the conditions of contractors in Bihar. The pathetic condition of contractors has made International headlines when the Washington Post reported: “Bangalore roads? Whatiteez?”
Struck by poverty and extreme hunger for money many contractors have resolved to kill themselves by drinking a bottle of Blue Label every hour. Speaking on behalf of the association Mr Kowda told a Press conference “hic”.
The new CM had to personally intervene to avert this tragedy of hepatitanic proportions. Better sense prevailed after the CM assured them that road work will start immediately. To help the impoverished contractors the CM assured them that roads under 10 mm thickness will be accepted by Government Inspectors for a small ‘conversion fee’. The contractors have since gone back to drinking a bottle of Blue Label a day.
Soon after taking over the Gaddi the new CM noted that the Treasury of the highest VAT earning State in India was absolutely empty save for a few shovels and a wheelbarrow that was found inside the treasury room. He immediately asked each of his ministers to donate the loose change in their pocket to replenish the treasury. Soon after, a Press Release from the CM’s office said, "the Karnataka Treasury Funds have just exceeded the Central Govt. Treasury".
The CM is reportedly very happy with the event and declared at a Press Conference, “I am so happy!”
The Corporator’s Association has expressed happiness at the sweeping changes in the land laws proposed by the new CM. A spokesperson said, “The new laws will generate more revenues er... avenues. Citizens can get the Fine Rates for different land violations by SMS’ing B.R.I.B.E to 4200.”
Meanwhile a sub division of the Road Contractors Association, the Pothole Contractors Association has decried the government’s move to accept roads that are 10 mm thick. While speaking to reporters, a spokesperson for the association said, "Such thick roads will deprive us of our daily bread". When asked by a reporter what he meant by that statement, the spokesperson said, “Mind your own business”.
An association of employees of the RTO, BDA and other government departments met the CM and complained about the work disruption in government offices due to the Lok Ayukta raids. The CM firmly stood his ground and said that his promise of more powers to the Lok Ayukta stands. However for the smooth running of the government offices the CM has decreed that the Lok Ayukta will now have to give its schedule of raids in advance. A spokesperson of the Employees Union declined to comment when quizzed by reporters and instead showed his middle finger to the camera man of Karnataka Times, a widely read daily, rumored to be read even by the Lok Ayukta Chief.
And for the last bit of news. The CM attended a high level State Cabinet meeting to kick start the Bangalore Infrastructure Rejuvenation Programme, however no resolution could be passed, as he was the only attendee. In a press conference after the meeting, he told reporters “hmph”.
Struck by poverty and extreme hunger for money many contractors have resolved to kill themselves by drinking a bottle of Blue Label every hour. Speaking on behalf of the association Mr Kowda told a Press conference “hic”.
The new CM had to personally intervene to avert this tragedy of hepatitanic proportions. Better sense prevailed after the CM assured them that road work will start immediately. To help the impoverished contractors the CM assured them that roads under 10 mm thickness will be accepted by Government Inspectors for a small ‘conversion fee’. The contractors have since gone back to drinking a bottle of Blue Label a day.
Soon after taking over the Gaddi the new CM noted that the Treasury of the highest VAT earning State in India was absolutely empty save for a few shovels and a wheelbarrow that was found inside the treasury room. He immediately asked each of his ministers to donate the loose change in their pocket to replenish the treasury. Soon after, a Press Release from the CM’s office said, "the Karnataka Treasury Funds have just exceeded the Central Govt. Treasury".
The CM is reportedly very happy with the event and declared at a Press Conference, “I am so happy!”
The Corporator’s Association has expressed happiness at the sweeping changes in the land laws proposed by the new CM. A spokesperson said, “The new laws will generate more revenues er... avenues. Citizens can get the Fine Rates for different land violations by SMS’ing B.R.I.B.E to 4200.”
Meanwhile a sub division of the Road Contractors Association, the Pothole Contractors Association has decried the government’s move to accept roads that are 10 mm thick. While speaking to reporters, a spokesperson for the association said, "Such thick roads will deprive us of our daily bread". When asked by a reporter what he meant by that statement, the spokesperson said, “Mind your own business”.
An association of employees of the RTO, BDA and other government departments met the CM and complained about the work disruption in government offices due to the Lok Ayukta raids. The CM firmly stood his ground and said that his promise of more powers to the Lok Ayukta stands. However for the smooth running of the government offices the CM has decreed that the Lok Ayukta will now have to give its schedule of raids in advance. A spokesperson of the Employees Union declined to comment when quizzed by reporters and instead showed his middle finger to the camera man of Karnataka Times, a widely read daily, rumored to be read even by the Lok Ayukta Chief.
And for the last bit of news. The CM attended a high level State Cabinet meeting to kick start the Bangalore Infrastructure Rejuvenation Programme, however no resolution could be passed, as he was the only attendee. In a press conference after the meeting, he told reporters “hmph”.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Things I love to hate!
I have been tagged by Supremus. I have to list the things that makes me annoyed enough to go grrrrrrrr. So here's my hit/hate list!
1. People who spit on the road ( for gods sake other people have to walk, not wade)
2. Guys who look for Trophy Wife/Girlfriend
3. I hate people who judge others by looks alone. (Facial skin doesn’t impress me)
4. People without a sense of humor.
5. I hate apathy of any kind.
6. People who have no concern for the Environment.
7. Poachers.
8. Religious bigots.
9. People who are cruel to animals.
10. People who don’t care for their parents or aged.
11. People who cut down trees.
12. Hypocrites.
13. Liars.
14. Gossipers and rumormongers.
15. Guys and gals who cheat on their boyfriends and girlfriends.
16. People who make fun of South Indians.
17. NRI’s who complain and grumble about India.
18. Show offs and Pseudos.
19. Politicians.
20. The ISI (Yeah the paki baddies).
21. People who litter and people who use plastic bags.
22. Guy’s wearing ear rings.
23. Low waist jeans.
24. The ever growing shanties in the Nilgiris.
25. Builders who ravage green lands and do not plant trees around the buildings.
26. Treeless landscapes.
27. Wasting water.
28. People who litter.
29. Guys who behave like complete jerks in the movie theater during romantic scenes.
30. Guys who pass lewd comments at girls.
31. Hot weather / Summer
32. People who place their religion, caste, creed or State above the nation.
33. Companies that use pet bottles for their products but do not collect them back for recycling.
34. Foreign MNC’s who pay scant regard to the laws in India they are so careful about abroad.
35. Our outdated laws and education system.
I am supposed to pass on this tag. And the lucky ones are Mind Currry, Alexis Leon,Deepa, Praveen, doctor pissed, Arti Honrao.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!
1. People who spit on the road ( for gods sake other people have to walk, not wade)
2. Guys who look for Trophy Wife/Girlfriend
3. I hate people who judge others by looks alone. (Facial skin doesn’t impress me)
4. People without a sense of humor.
5. I hate apathy of any kind.
6. People who have no concern for the Environment.
7. Poachers.
8. Religious bigots.
9. People who are cruel to animals.
10. People who don’t care for their parents or aged.
11. People who cut down trees.
12. Hypocrites.
13. Liars.
14. Gossipers and rumormongers.
15. Guys and gals who cheat on their boyfriends and girlfriends.
16. People who make fun of South Indians.
17. NRI’s who complain and grumble about India.
18. Show offs and Pseudos.
19. Politicians.
20. The ISI (Yeah the paki baddies).
21. People who litter and people who use plastic bags.
22. Guy’s wearing ear rings.
23. Low waist jeans.
24. The ever growing shanties in the Nilgiris.
25. Builders who ravage green lands and do not plant trees around the buildings.
26. Treeless landscapes.
27. Wasting water.
28. People who litter.
29. Guys who behave like complete jerks in the movie theater during romantic scenes.
30. Guys who pass lewd comments at girls.
31. Hot weather / Summer
32. People who place their religion, caste, creed or State above the nation.
33. Companies that use pet bottles for their products but do not collect them back for recycling.
34. Foreign MNC’s who pay scant regard to the laws in India they are so careful about abroad.
35. Our outdated laws and education system.
I am supposed to pass on this tag. And the lucky ones are Mind Currry, Alexis Leon,Deepa, Praveen, doctor pissed, Arti Honrao.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!
Friday, February 10, 2006
Some Facts and Figures
Disclaimer: This is another rant about Income Tax. So anyone who is fed of this topic may please get back to your auditor and PAY THOSE TAXES!!!!
You know you are an Income Tax asessee when:
1. You save the whole year to tide over the year-end salary cut.
2. You are on first name basis with Medical Shop owners.
3. Medical Shop Owners stop stocking medicines and start making profits by selling you Medical Bills.
4. You read up on "Acne/coarse hair/oily face/appraisal frustrations/homicidal tendencies towards Manager" etc. and research the medicines available in the market for it and then give the list to the pharmacist to include in your medical bill.
5. Medical Shop Owners hate you.
6. You ask the accountant if the accessory you bought for your bike can come under ‘Educational Expense’.
7. You ask the accountant advice on Tax loopholes.
8. The accountant hates you.
9. You make sure you make Rs.XYZ worth of calls ONLY because you are allowed only so much in reimbursement.
10. You go to bookstores browse for books related to your profession and leave without purchasing anything after you have written down names and price of books.
11. Book shop owners hate you.
12. You know railway and airfares by heart. You start giving advice for a small fee to people on the most complicated and tortuous route to take according to their LTA.
13. Railway reservation clerks grin when they see you and enquire when you will be back for the cancellation when you go to buy a ticket.
14. Indian Railways love you. Your cancellations fees help make their loss figures a little less damning. (Please note Mr. Chidambaram)
15. Your landlord stops working and starts living off the 50% share he gets from the hiked rental bill he gives you every month.
16. Landlords look on you as a Retirement Scheme. (Please note this too Mr. Chidambaram)
17. Your wallet has more Bills than Bills (notes).
18. You tell your Investment Consultant that you want to invest exactly Rs.XYZ as that is the magic figure you need to avoid the Tax axe.
19. You check if you have paid interest on that Dinner Set/Gas Stove/Iron etc you bought by paying in EMI.
20. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that your salary doesn’t get deducted at source.
21. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show that flight to Dubai as “Business related travel expense”
22. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show that six figure telephone bills as “Business related calls”.
23. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show all your food bills as “Business Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner etc.”
24. You realize Entrepreneurship is too much of a hassle and you rather sit in your comfy office and be sure of a salary at the end of the month. But you still hate Taxes.
25. You have a hunted look at the close of the financial year.
26. You blog and make fun of the IT Department with posts like this and this.
You know you are an Income Tax asessee when:
1. You save the whole year to tide over the year-end salary cut.
2. You are on first name basis with Medical Shop owners.
3. Medical Shop Owners stop stocking medicines and start making profits by selling you Medical Bills.
4. You read up on "Acne/coarse hair/oily face/appraisal frustrations/homicidal tendencies towards Manager" etc. and research the medicines available in the market for it and then give the list to the pharmacist to include in your medical bill.
5. Medical Shop Owners hate you.
6. You ask the accountant if the accessory you bought for your bike can come under ‘Educational Expense’.
7. You ask the accountant advice on Tax loopholes.
8. The accountant hates you.
9. You make sure you make Rs.XYZ worth of calls ONLY because you are allowed only so much in reimbursement.
10. You go to bookstores browse for books related to your profession and leave without purchasing anything after you have written down names and price of books.
11. Book shop owners hate you.
12. You know railway and airfares by heart. You start giving advice for a small fee to people on the most complicated and tortuous route to take according to their LTA.
13. Railway reservation clerks grin when they see you and enquire when you will be back for the cancellation when you go to buy a ticket.
14. Indian Railways love you. Your cancellations fees help make their loss figures a little less damning. (Please note Mr. Chidambaram)
15. Your landlord stops working and starts living off the 50% share he gets from the hiked rental bill he gives you every month.
16. Landlords look on you as a Retirement Scheme. (Please note this too Mr. Chidambaram)
17. Your wallet has more Bills than Bills (notes).
18. You tell your Investment Consultant that you want to invest exactly Rs.XYZ as that is the magic figure you need to avoid the Tax axe.
19. You check if you have paid interest on that Dinner Set/Gas Stove/Iron etc you bought by paying in EMI.
20. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that your salary doesn’t get deducted at source.
21. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show that flight to Dubai as “Business related travel expense”
22. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show that six figure telephone bills as “Business related calls”.
23. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show all your food bills as “Business Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner etc.”
24. You realize Entrepreneurship is too much of a hassle and you rather sit in your comfy office and be sure of a salary at the end of the month. But you still hate Taxes.
25. You have a hunted look at the close of the financial year.
26. You blog and make fun of the IT Department with posts like this and this.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Intaxication
I am a severely Income Challenged person (both horizontally and vertically) and if there is any provision for exemption of Income Tax for such a handicap please do let me know ASAP. I desperately need to know because last week, I got a mail from our Finance Manager asking me to submit proof of investments or else Income Tax, the size of India’s fiscal deficit would be deducted from my intern stipend. Now, I love my country, Jai Hind and Bharath Mata Ki Jai and all that blah, but I simply cannot support this country on my meager stipend alone. (well, that is what they tell you in those IT Dept. ads that is peppering the newspaper these days. "You" are responsible for the roads, "You" are responsible for the progress of the country. “You” of course means the earning class a.k.a. as the cash cow class.)
Now my CEO earns in figures that slightly exceeds the GNP of the country, the FM’s gross salary is rumored to equal the total budget of Nagaland while HR reportedly takes home his salary in a truck which led to the collapse of one over bridge, one flyover and a Highway Weigh Bridge. However we, the common folk of this company have no such luck. We carry our salary home in a customized chillar kaas pouch embossed with company logo.
After listening to my ranting and grumblings for one whole second the company accountant gave me an address and showed me the accounts department door.
12:30 pm and I find the address given to me by my accountant. It is a rather nondescript office and a Mr. Mani meets me at the door. He introduces himself as the "PR Manager" for the IT Dept, Karnataka Circle. I am ushered into his office and seated in a Godrej chair while Mr Mani himself sits at his Godrej Premium chair and looks at me with a beatific smile. Something tells me that he was born with this smile. I tell Mr Mani my problems of supporting an entire nation with my meager salary. His smile never wavers.
Mr. Mani: Ah, Miss! Do you know what the government does with the tax it collects from you?
Me: Pay your salary?
Mr. Mani: Yes...er I mean No!! Did you know that because of the false bill you gave for the book "Communication for Donkeys" the government was unable to retar and repair 65,569km of National Highways, 1,31,899km of State Highways 4,67,763km of Major District roads and 26,50,000km of Village roads???
Me( shocked): Really ?!?!?!
Mr. Mani: Yes, we had to dip into the "Garibi Hatao" fund to complete the job to the Contractor’s Association’s satisfaction.
Me: But where are the roads?
Mr. Mani (quickly): We had just enough money to do up the existing roads but not enough to fill up the potholes. As you can see the roads around the potholes is world class!
Me: But...but...
Mr. Mani(cutting in smoothly): And for those false medical bills you gave for treatment of "IT induced heartburn", the government was unable to equip and run 457599 government hospitals and clinics. To meet the shortfall we had to send a Secretary level delegation to Bangkok and Phuket to gather the necessary funds.
Me (shocked): Oh my gawd!!!
Mr. Mani ( emphatically): Exactly! And for that fake conveyance voucher you submitted for traveling to "IT Related Stress Disorder Clinic" last month, the government was unable to fill the 4545955 potholes in the city! Now we have to buy all the Ministers a Scorpio each so that they do not break their back on the way to their offices to serve selfish people like you.
Me(breaking down): Oh noooooooo!
Mr. Mani: The Telephone bills you submitted for 800 calls to an "IT Psychologist" put paid our Airport Expansion plans because of which a ministerial delegation had to be convened at Hawaii to discuss the situation and find a solution.
Me (eyes brimming with tears): I am so ashamed of myself.
Mr. Mani: Remember that manipulated LTA bill to "Cherrapunji" you submitted this year?
Me (sobbing): Yes?
Mr. Mani: 56758449 poor kids had to go hungry because of that! Our honorable ministers had to skip ONE luncheon at Oberoi Towers to fund the Free Meal Scheme 2005 to avoid the embarrassment to the government.
Me (breaking down): I am a bad girl.Waaaaah
Mr. Mani (soothingly): There, there. Don’t be too harsh on yourself dear. Drop a donation for the IT Dept. retirement fund on your way out. You will feel much better. And don’t be a defaulter anymore.
Me: * sniff * Ok. Bye Sir.
Mr. Mani: By the way the SUV that your Uncle in Changanachery bought is a good selection. I particularly like its 3000cc inline-four that develops 114 bhp at 3000 revs and over 30 kgm of torque between 1600 and 2000 rpm. And that three bedroom first floor apartment your cousin purchased in Muvattupuzha was a good buy indeed. Personally I think your aunty in Kochi invested very wisely in that Estate in Munnar. Coffee prices are doing well and she will be able to complete the construction of her fourteen bedroom bungalow very soon!
Me: Whaaaat? How do you know all this?
Mr. Mani (beatific smile in place): Goodbye dear. Happy New Fiscal Year 2005-2006.
Now my CEO earns in figures that slightly exceeds the GNP of the country, the FM’s gross salary is rumored to equal the total budget of Nagaland while HR reportedly takes home his salary in a truck which led to the collapse of one over bridge, one flyover and a Highway Weigh Bridge. However we, the common folk of this company have no such luck. We carry our salary home in a customized chillar kaas pouch embossed with company logo.
After listening to my ranting and grumblings for one whole second the company accountant gave me an address and showed me the accounts department door.
12:30 pm and I find the address given to me by my accountant. It is a rather nondescript office and a Mr. Mani meets me at the door. He introduces himself as the "PR Manager" for the IT Dept, Karnataka Circle. I am ushered into his office and seated in a Godrej chair while Mr Mani himself sits at his Godrej Premium chair and looks at me with a beatific smile. Something tells me that he was born with this smile. I tell Mr Mani my problems of supporting an entire nation with my meager salary. His smile never wavers.
Mr. Mani: Ah, Miss! Do you know what the government does with the tax it collects from you?
Me: Pay your salary?
Mr. Mani: Yes...er I mean No!! Did you know that because of the false bill you gave for the book "Communication for Donkeys" the government was unable to retar and repair 65,569km of National Highways, 1,31,899km of State Highways 4,67,763km of Major District roads and 26,50,000km of Village roads???
Me( shocked): Really ?!?!?!
Mr. Mani: Yes, we had to dip into the "Garibi Hatao" fund to complete the job to the Contractor’s Association’s satisfaction.
Me: But where are the roads?
Mr. Mani (quickly): We had just enough money to do up the existing roads but not enough to fill up the potholes. As you can see the roads around the potholes is world class!
Me: But...but...
Mr. Mani(cutting in smoothly): And for those false medical bills you gave for treatment of "IT induced heartburn", the government was unable to equip and run 457599 government hospitals and clinics. To meet the shortfall we had to send a Secretary level delegation to Bangkok and Phuket to gather the necessary funds.
Me (shocked): Oh my gawd!!!
Mr. Mani ( emphatically): Exactly! And for that fake conveyance voucher you submitted for traveling to "IT Related Stress Disorder Clinic" last month, the government was unable to fill the 4545955 potholes in the city! Now we have to buy all the Ministers a Scorpio each so that they do not break their back on the way to their offices to serve selfish people like you.
Me(breaking down): Oh noooooooo!
Mr. Mani: The Telephone bills you submitted for 800 calls to an "IT Psychologist" put paid our Airport Expansion plans because of which a ministerial delegation had to be convened at Hawaii to discuss the situation and find a solution.
Me (eyes brimming with tears): I am so ashamed of myself.
Mr. Mani: Remember that manipulated LTA bill to "Cherrapunji" you submitted this year?
Me (sobbing): Yes?
Mr. Mani: 56758449 poor kids had to go hungry because of that! Our honorable ministers had to skip ONE luncheon at Oberoi Towers to fund the Free Meal Scheme 2005 to avoid the embarrassment to the government.
Me (breaking down): I am a bad girl.Waaaaah
Mr. Mani (soothingly): There, there. Don’t be too harsh on yourself dear. Drop a donation for the IT Dept. retirement fund on your way out. You will feel much better. And don’t be a defaulter anymore.
Me: * sniff * Ok. Bye Sir.
Mr. Mani: By the way the SUV that your Uncle in Changanachery bought is a good selection. I particularly like its 3000cc inline-four that develops 114 bhp at 3000 revs and over 30 kgm of torque between 1600 and 2000 rpm. And that three bedroom first floor apartment your cousin purchased in Muvattupuzha was a good buy indeed. Personally I think your aunty in Kochi invested very wisely in that Estate in Munnar. Coffee prices are doing well and she will be able to complete the construction of her fourteen bedroom bungalow very soon!
Me: Whaaaat? How do you know all this?
Mr. Mani (beatific smile in place): Goodbye dear. Happy New Fiscal Year 2005-2006.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
I dare to dream
Some of my friends who thought they would finally get to see my dreams man’s profile were disappointed with my last tag though they quite liked the spirit behind it. Alexis even pointed out that I had evaded the question all together. So I will take up the tag again and this time, try and list the things I want in my Perfect Lover.
To be frank, I have absolutely no clue to the personality traits that I want in my Perfect Lover. I rarely noticed guys since I studied in all girls educational institutions throughout my life. Besides I was too busy doing the things single gals do to even think of a boyfriend. However I will give a shot at what I expect in my perfect lover.
So here it is redone for P , V and Alexis
Rules of the game are...
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.
Sex of the target :
Male
MY PERFECT LOVER (PL)
1. My Perfect Lover(PL) will have a sense of humor. He will understand that I like to look at the funny side of life. It’s not like I am frivolous, but don’t expect me to sit and moan if I had a bad day at office. I prefer to forget unpleasant incidents or remove myself from unpleasant situations and get on with life as soon as possible.
2. My PL will be a person I can sit and talk with for hours. He will enjoy talking to me and listening to me as much as I enjoy talking and listening to him. Shut me out of the conversation and you shut me out of your life. (Communication is very important to me.)
3. My PL will be able to tell me if I have hurt him in any way and also if I have made him happy in any way. I will do the same. I like to appreciate and be appreciated. (And if he doesn’t tell me what I have done to piss him off I cannot rectify it, can I?)
4. My PL will not expect me to be a ‘wife’ in the traditional sense. He will want me as a life partner and not housekeeper, cook, and babysitter. However if he helps out 50% of the time, I am willing to do all that. (I believe that it takes two active participants to make a relationship.)
5. My PL will understand that I have a family and friends I care deeply about. He will be the most important person in my life but my folks will not be any less. I on my part am willing to accept that his family and friends are important to him too. (I beieve that freedom within a relationship is important).
6. I am a one man woman and I expect him to be a one woman man too. (Fidelity is the foundation on which relationships are built).
7. I have hobbies/interests that will take me away from station/home from time to time. He should be broadminded enough to accept it.(In short I need space to grow. And I am willing to accept that he will also have interests or hobbies that he would like to pursue)
8. I am a very demonstrative person in showing my love and affection so my Perfect Lover will be demonstrative too. He will not be reticent and will not mind the unexpected bear hugs and stolen kisses that will come his way very often.
To be frank, I have absolutely no clue to the personality traits that I want in my Perfect Lover. I rarely noticed guys since I studied in all girls educational institutions throughout my life. Besides I was too busy doing the things single gals do to even think of a boyfriend. However I will give a shot at what I expect in my perfect lover.
So here it is redone for P , V and Alexis
Rules of the game are...
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.
Sex of the target :
Male
MY PERFECT LOVER (PL)
1. My Perfect Lover(PL) will have a sense of humor. He will understand that I like to look at the funny side of life. It’s not like I am frivolous, but don’t expect me to sit and moan if I had a bad day at office. I prefer to forget unpleasant incidents or remove myself from unpleasant situations and get on with life as soon as possible.
2. My PL will be a person I can sit and talk with for hours. He will enjoy talking to me and listening to me as much as I enjoy talking and listening to him. Shut me out of the conversation and you shut me out of your life. (Communication is very important to me.)
3. My PL will be able to tell me if I have hurt him in any way and also if I have made him happy in any way. I will do the same. I like to appreciate and be appreciated. (And if he doesn’t tell me what I have done to piss him off I cannot rectify it, can I?)
4. My PL will not expect me to be a ‘wife’ in the traditional sense. He will want me as a life partner and not housekeeper, cook, and babysitter. However if he helps out 50% of the time, I am willing to do all that. (I believe that it takes two active participants to make a relationship.)
5. My PL will understand that I have a family and friends I care deeply about. He will be the most important person in my life but my folks will not be any less. I on my part am willing to accept that his family and friends are important to him too. (I beieve that freedom within a relationship is important).
6. I am a one man woman and I expect him to be a one woman man too. (Fidelity is the foundation on which relationships are built).
7. I have hobbies/interests that will take me away from station/home from time to time. He should be broadminded enough to accept it.(In short I need space to grow. And I am willing to accept that he will also have interests or hobbies that he would like to pursue)
8. I am a very demonstrative person in showing my love and affection so my Perfect Lover will be demonstrative too. He will not be reticent and will not mind the unexpected bear hugs and stolen kisses that will come his way very often.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
The story of Man!
There is something that we gals cannot do when we get together and that is 'keep quiet'. We love to talk and meaningful silences are as alien to us as Shilajit Capsules or a Suzuki Hayabusa. We like to discuss everything. By everything I mean anything that happened during the course of day from the time we get up and say "Oh my God! I look awful!" (Unlike guys who get up and say "hrmphfxl").
Therefore girls get a little perplexed when guys don’t chatter as much and prefer to clam up and drink alcohol whether they are sad, happy, jubilant, depressed, angry, joyous or forgot to shave.(The latest Mera No. 1 ad is an outstanding testimony of the human Man's inability to verbalize his feelings).
So I approached a renowned historian to learn about this behavior of men. After several pegs of Mera No. 1 Mineral Water, Cassettes and CDs, renowned historian Michael Chakson from Jhumri Thalaiyya told me that this kind of behavior is a genetic predisposition from the days Humans were hunter-gatherers.
The prehistoric Man was our predecessor and was the guy who was responsible for the propagation of our species. (Poor man if he had known this back then, he would have invented birth control before the wheel). Go forth and multiply was his motto er...natural instinct, which is what actually led to the invention of the wheel. And the rest is history er...present...er...whatever. Which is why guys with two wheelers behave like Neanderthals while the ones with four wheels behave like Neanderthals on four wheels.
This prehistoric dude was a real modern and hep dude. He had numerous live in girlfriends. He was also the first man in History to have a love child when his first-born came into this world. After delivering several love children the prehistoric women invented "Headache". Which was the first ever recorded form of birth control by early man. The invention of the ‘headache’ also led to speech by early man and the first ever-recorded conversation between humans went like this.
Man: hrmphfxl?
Woman: Not tonight dear, I have a headache.
(Later as man graduated from hunter gatherer to farmer the word cave was replaced by 'hay'. 'Headache' was replaced by 'Migraine', which is supposed to last for an indeterminable period)
Our prehistoric dude's successors successfully kept his tradition alive with several bouncy love children till some barbarians spoilt the party by inventing 'monogamy' and 'marriage'. The invention of the 'headache' and 'marriage' hampered the human man’s style and he in turn invented "Football" to vent his frustrations. This was the first ever-recorded 'vicious cycle' in human history and the beginning of many other vicious cycles that led to the invention of Cricket, Motorbikes and Whiskey.
Anyways, the prehistoric dude had a lot of fun, unlike his modern counterpart who has to content with alimony, child support and AIDS if he tried to emulate his ancestors. But life was not all fun and women for our prehistoric dude. He had the responsibility of feeding his numerous women and love kids. If he couldn’t bring home the bacon er...I mean the Bison he would have to contend with the sad loss of his loved ones to his rival’s camp.(Because his rival’s dining stone was groaning under a rather juicy Buffalo). Not bringing home the Bison had other disadvantages too. He would have to eat the vegetables gathered by the women. The vegetables reminded him of his failure as a hunter and that according to Michael Chakson, is why men hate veggies and love meat. (another example of a prehistoric vicious cycle)
Prehistoric man learnt from bitter experience that silence was golden after this traumatic incident at a hunt.
Man1: Shhhhh!!!! A plump deer at 2 ‘o’ Clock!
Man2: Did you hear that Granite Garry’s woman had defected to Marble Marlow’s camp?
Man1: Drat! The deer ran away.
Man3: Shhhh!!!! A fat Bison!!
Man4: Really??? But I thought Marble Marlow’s wife was messing his gene pool with Granite Garry!!!
Man3: Darn! The Bison took to his heels.
That night, Man 1, 2, 3 and 4 all lost their women to Sandstone Sean and Igneous Isaac. (Well...Granite Garry and Marble Marlow’s camp were rather crowded already).
Silence became an important tool for the prehistoric man for hunting. Besides having so many women put paid his chances of getting in a word edgewise or otherwise. Man continued to excel in hunting but languished in verbal skills.
And that according to Michael Chakson, is why guys are the strong and silent types.
Therefore girls get a little perplexed when guys don’t chatter as much and prefer to clam up and drink alcohol whether they are sad, happy, jubilant, depressed, angry, joyous or forgot to shave.(The latest Mera No. 1 ad is an outstanding testimony of the human Man's inability to verbalize his feelings).
So I approached a renowned historian to learn about this behavior of men. After several pegs of Mera No. 1 Mineral Water, Cassettes and CDs, renowned historian Michael Chakson from Jhumri Thalaiyya told me that this kind of behavior is a genetic predisposition from the days Humans were hunter-gatherers.
The prehistoric Man was our predecessor and was the guy who was responsible for the propagation of our species. (Poor man if he had known this back then, he would have invented birth control before the wheel). Go forth and multiply was his motto er...natural instinct, which is what actually led to the invention of the wheel. And the rest is history er...present...er...whatever. Which is why guys with two wheelers behave like Neanderthals while the ones with four wheels behave like Neanderthals on four wheels.
This prehistoric dude was a real modern and hep dude. He had numerous live in girlfriends. He was also the first man in History to have a love child when his first-born came into this world. After delivering several love children the prehistoric women invented "Headache". Which was the first ever recorded form of birth control by early man. The invention of the ‘headache’ also led to speech by early man and the first ever-recorded conversation between humans went like this.
Man: hrmphfxl?
Woman: Not tonight dear, I have a headache.
(Later as man graduated from hunter gatherer to farmer the word cave was replaced by 'hay'. 'Headache' was replaced by 'Migraine', which is supposed to last for an indeterminable period)
Our prehistoric dude's successors successfully kept his tradition alive with several bouncy love children till some barbarians spoilt the party by inventing 'monogamy' and 'marriage'. The invention of the 'headache' and 'marriage' hampered the human man’s style and he in turn invented "Football" to vent his frustrations. This was the first ever-recorded 'vicious cycle' in human history and the beginning of many other vicious cycles that led to the invention of Cricket, Motorbikes and Whiskey.
Anyways, the prehistoric dude had a lot of fun, unlike his modern counterpart who has to content with alimony, child support and AIDS if he tried to emulate his ancestors. But life was not all fun and women for our prehistoric dude. He had the responsibility of feeding his numerous women and love kids. If he couldn’t bring home the bacon er...I mean the Bison he would have to contend with the sad loss of his loved ones to his rival’s camp.(Because his rival’s dining stone was groaning under a rather juicy Buffalo). Not bringing home the Bison had other disadvantages too. He would have to eat the vegetables gathered by the women. The vegetables reminded him of his failure as a hunter and that according to Michael Chakson, is why men hate veggies and love meat. (another example of a prehistoric vicious cycle)
Prehistoric man learnt from bitter experience that silence was golden after this traumatic incident at a hunt.
Man1: Shhhhh!!!! A plump deer at 2 ‘o’ Clock!
Man2: Did you hear that Granite Garry’s woman had defected to Marble Marlow’s camp?
Man1: Drat! The deer ran away.
Man3: Shhhh!!!! A fat Bison!!
Man4: Really??? But I thought Marble Marlow’s wife was messing his gene pool with Granite Garry!!!
Man3: Darn! The Bison took to his heels.
That night, Man 1, 2, 3 and 4 all lost their women to Sandstone Sean and Igneous Isaac. (Well...Granite Garry and Marble Marlow’s camp were rather crowded already).
Silence became an important tool for the prehistoric man for hunting. Besides having so many women put paid his chances of getting in a word edgewise or otherwise. Man continued to excel in hunting but languished in verbal skills.
And that according to Michael Chakson, is why guys are the strong and silent types.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
And pigs will fly !!
I have been tagged by Anil The Great and Whoosh
Rules of the game are...
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.
Sex of the target :
Male
PERFECT LOVER ( Guess it will be easier to find the Loch Ness Monster.)
1. He will treat me like a Queen. Period.
( Thank you girls I knew you would approve)
2. He will have no object of affection except me and that includes his bike/car, his mom and his latest mobile phone.
( Thanks again girls for the overwhelming nodding of heads)
3. He will make me breakfast in bed and say that I am the most beautiful and desirable girl in the whole world at least three times a day.
( Girls! Thank you for that deafening applause)
4. He will be my friend first. Boyfriend, husband, cook, housekeeper etc. secondary but essential. (Thanks again girls for the standing ovation, I knew you would all agree)
5. He will be neat and tidy and not sloppy.
( Girls! It is not lady like to laugh so loudly)
6. He will look after the children if any and make me candle light dinners everyday.
( Yeah girls, high fives from my side too)
7. He will not forget my birthday, our anniversary and the fact that I like long stemmed red rose buds.
( hey stop rolling on the floor girls!!! )
8. He will be comfortable with my friends, family, dogs and hair dresser not necessarily in that order.
( Ok I heard the guffaws grrrrrr)
I used a secret resource called “The License to Dream” to write this tag. I have used it liberally in this post.
I passed this tag around to friends with husbands and boyfriends and I have given their expert opinion in the brackets. I declare solemnly that all that I have written here has been whetted by a panel of female experts and certified as highly unattainable.
I hereby pass on the “The License to Dream” to the below mentioned people.Dream on guys.
1.matterofchoice
He writes with much depth on serious issues.
2. Geo
Here’s a guy blogger who can handle romance and humor with great aplomb.
3. Jithu Wonderful writer. I am glad I discovered his blog.
4. mindcurry
His mission is to save God’s Own Country from becoming Dog’s Own Country!
5. Thanu
Whatever she writes strikes a cord in you.
6. HopeandLove
Read her posts and you will thank God forever for your blessings.
7. Leon
I read this post of his first and was hooked.
8. Praveen
Read his posts to know what the word “refreshing” means!!!
p.s. If you know such a guy then please forward his profile to Ripleys Believe it or Not and CC a copy to me.
Rules of the game are...
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.
Sex of the target :
Male
PERFECT LOVER ( Guess it will be easier to find the Loch Ness Monster.)
1. He will treat me like a Queen. Period.
( Thank you girls I knew you would approve)
2. He will have no object of affection except me and that includes his bike/car, his mom and his latest mobile phone.
( Thanks again girls for the overwhelming nodding of heads)
3. He will make me breakfast in bed and say that I am the most beautiful and desirable girl in the whole world at least three times a day.
( Girls! Thank you for that deafening applause)
4. He will be my friend first. Boyfriend, husband, cook, housekeeper etc. secondary but essential. (Thanks again girls for the standing ovation, I knew you would all agree)
5. He will be neat and tidy and not sloppy.
( Girls! It is not lady like to laugh so loudly)
6. He will look after the children if any and make me candle light dinners everyday.
( Yeah girls, high fives from my side too)
7. He will not forget my birthday, our anniversary and the fact that I like long stemmed red rose buds.
( hey stop rolling on the floor girls!!! )
8. He will be comfortable with my friends, family, dogs and hair dresser not necessarily in that order.
( Ok I heard the guffaws grrrrrr)
I used a secret resource called “The License to Dream” to write this tag. I have used it liberally in this post.
I passed this tag around to friends with husbands and boyfriends and I have given their expert opinion in the brackets. I declare solemnly that all that I have written here has been whetted by a panel of female experts and certified as highly unattainable.
I hereby pass on the “The License to Dream” to the below mentioned people.Dream on guys.
1.matterofchoice
He writes with much depth on serious issues.
2. Geo
Here’s a guy blogger who can handle romance and humor with great aplomb.
3. Jithu Wonderful writer. I am glad I discovered his blog.
4. mindcurry
His mission is to save God’s Own Country from becoming Dog’s Own Country!
5. Thanu
Whatever she writes strikes a cord in you.
6. HopeandLove
Read her posts and you will thank God forever for your blessings.
7. Leon
I read this post of his first and was hooked.
8. Praveen
Read his posts to know what the word “refreshing” means!!!
p.s. If you know such a guy then please forward his profile to Ripleys Believe it or Not and CC a copy to me.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Gentleman's game ladies please excuse !
Saturday morning and I am greeted with the sight that most women in India dread! That of the menfolk sitting glued to the TV watching cricket! I can see the usual Saturday family card session vanishing into thin air. Getting my Dad and brothers to abandon the TV is as impossible as Cauvery water sharing, which brings me to the topic of this post "CRICKET".
No,no...this is no girly rant against Cricket. I love Cricket...but only when India wins against Pakistan. Other times I hate the game that makes millions of wives into temporary widows, children into temporary orphans and sisters into ballboys er...ball girls or whatever it is that younger sisters are called when they have to go fetch the cricket balls that brother and friends hit wildly into neighboring Tamil Nadu, Andhra Pradesh and the Indian Ocean.
I was introduced to cricket at a very young age. My elder brother and friends used to play cricket at the paddy field near my house. And I was the official ballgirl (if there is such a term). And for all my troubles I was rewarded with ice cream at the end of the game. I quite liked skipping after the ball, picking it up and then skipping back to the field after I had chased a butterfly and the batsmen had made their 18th run and were looking desperately to see if I would get back and give them a break.
One day after the opposite team had made about 765 runs, both teams met for a pow wow and it was decided by mutual consensus that when I ran after the ball, it would be counted as a Four and no more. This put paid to runs being accumulated like Sachins injuries.
Now you might wonder why the guys put up with me at all. On weekends my Mom would take off for her weekly shopping trip and my eldest brother had to baby sit. He did baby sit, but as he always says it does not matter how you do the job as long as it gets done. So I was taken to the cricket field along with the other equipment and made to run after the ball if the ball went outside the boundary line. Of course Mom was none the wiser and I kept my mouth shut partly because of a very numb tongue after my 6th ice cream.
Second brother soon got into playing cricket and realized that additional human resources in the form of younger sister was a good idea than running around looking for the ball and getting all hot under the collar. He was however unsuccessful in garnering the available human resource because the human resource had to be fed and would keep wandering off with the ball. This made him mad and he withheld the promised Ice Cream after one match. Human Resource went and squealed to Dad and that was the end of further fielding resources for second brother.
During the course of my glorious innings as ball collector I learnt quite a few cricketing terms.
F**k!!!! means "if I wasn’t watching that gal I would seen that the ball was headed towards my middle stump!"
A** h**e means,"how can you hit me for a six you a** h**e?!?!"
Such colorful terms were very educative for an 8 year old and soon Dad and Mom were called for an emergency PTA meeting. Dad was relieved that it was nothing serious when he heard the Teacher say with a pained expression "You daughter said F**k when the Crayon fell down and broke."
Mom was however horrified and soon the three of us went through a refresher course in English language.
Mom: What is the exclamation you would use when you are angry?
Elder Brother: Damn?
Mom: hmm ok, but I would prefer if you said, “This is so inconvenient”
Elder Brother: Sure
Mom: Ok what would you say when someone swears at you?
Second brother (smirking): What do you mean by 'swear'?
Mom: er...I mean like the language you use in the cricket field!
SB: Ok, I will say, “This is so inconvenient?!”
Mom: Good!
(Muffled and uncontrollable giggling from the students.)
Mom: And what will you say when your crayon falls down the desk?
Me (on the defensive): I dunno.
Mom: You mustn’t use bad words ok?
Me: Ok. But dad says it’s ok if I don’t say it too loud!
Mom: #*@&*%$&+%$$# (choicest Malayalam epithets)
This brings me to another incident involving Dad:
Ms Michelle: Your daughter pinched Chithra yesterday.
Dad: Why did you pinch Chithra?
Me: But dad, she pinched me first!
Dad: (shocked) I hope you pinched her back real hard !!
Dad was declared persona non grata in school after that.
To come back to our narrative, it is Saturday morning and after a long time, the gender balance in my house is at a level. With my brand new sis-in-law we are now three females vs three males. My mom calls herself a Golf widow and me a Golf orphan, and today my brand new sis-in-law got a new name ‘Cricket widow’. After watching the guys in disgust for half an hour, I did the kindest thing I could do to my new sis-in-law. I took her to Forum for an expensive shopping spree. It will be nice to see my brother’s expression when the Bills come home to roost.
Frailty.er...revenge thy name is woman!
No,no...this is no girly rant against Cricket. I love Cricket...but only when India wins against Pakistan. Other times I hate the game that makes millions of wives into temporary widows, children into temporary orphans and sisters into ballboys er...ball girls or whatever it is that younger sisters are called when they have to go fetch the cricket balls that brother and friends hit wildly into neighboring Tamil Nadu, Andhra Pradesh and the Indian Ocean.
I was introduced to cricket at a very young age. My elder brother and friends used to play cricket at the paddy field near my house. And I was the official ballgirl (if there is such a term). And for all my troubles I was rewarded with ice cream at the end of the game. I quite liked skipping after the ball, picking it up and then skipping back to the field after I had chased a butterfly and the batsmen had made their 18th run and were looking desperately to see if I would get back and give them a break.
One day after the opposite team had made about 765 runs, both teams met for a pow wow and it was decided by mutual consensus that when I ran after the ball, it would be counted as a Four and no more. This put paid to runs being accumulated like Sachins injuries.
Now you might wonder why the guys put up with me at all. On weekends my Mom would take off for her weekly shopping trip and my eldest brother had to baby sit. He did baby sit, but as he always says it does not matter how you do the job as long as it gets done. So I was taken to the cricket field along with the other equipment and made to run after the ball if the ball went outside the boundary line. Of course Mom was none the wiser and I kept my mouth shut partly because of a very numb tongue after my 6th ice cream.
Second brother soon got into playing cricket and realized that additional human resources in the form of younger sister was a good idea than running around looking for the ball and getting all hot under the collar. He was however unsuccessful in garnering the available human resource because the human resource had to be fed and would keep wandering off with the ball. This made him mad and he withheld the promised Ice Cream after one match. Human Resource went and squealed to Dad and that was the end of further fielding resources for second brother.
During the course of my glorious innings as ball collector I learnt quite a few cricketing terms.
F**k!!!! means "if I wasn’t watching that gal I would seen that the ball was headed towards my middle stump!"
A** h**e means,"how can you hit me for a six you a** h**e?!?!"
Such colorful terms were very educative for an 8 year old and soon Dad and Mom were called for an emergency PTA meeting. Dad was relieved that it was nothing serious when he heard the Teacher say with a pained expression "You daughter said F**k when the Crayon fell down and broke."
Mom was however horrified and soon the three of us went through a refresher course in English language.
Mom: What is the exclamation you would use when you are angry?
Elder Brother: Damn?
Mom: hmm ok, but I would prefer if you said, “This is so inconvenient”
Elder Brother: Sure
Mom: Ok what would you say when someone swears at you?
Second brother (smirking): What do you mean by 'swear'?
Mom: er...I mean like the language you use in the cricket field!
SB: Ok, I will say, “This is so inconvenient?!”
Mom: Good!
(Muffled and uncontrollable giggling from the students.)
Mom: And what will you say when your crayon falls down the desk?
Me (on the defensive): I dunno.
Mom: You mustn’t use bad words ok?
Me: Ok. But dad says it’s ok if I don’t say it too loud!
Mom: #*@&*%$&+%$$# (choicest Malayalam epithets)
This brings me to another incident involving Dad:
Ms Michelle: Your daughter pinched Chithra yesterday.
Dad: Why did you pinch Chithra?
Me: But dad, she pinched me first!
Dad: (shocked) I hope you pinched her back real hard !!
Dad was declared persona non grata in school after that.
To come back to our narrative, it is Saturday morning and after a long time, the gender balance in my house is at a level. With my brand new sis-in-law we are now three females vs three males. My mom calls herself a Golf widow and me a Golf orphan, and today my brand new sis-in-law got a new name ‘Cricket widow’. After watching the guys in disgust for half an hour, I did the kindest thing I could do to my new sis-in-law. I took her to Forum for an expensive shopping spree. It will be nice to see my brother’s expression when the Bills come home to roost.
Frailty.er...revenge thy name is woman!
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