Sunday, February 05, 2006

Intaxication

I am a severely Income Challenged person (both horizontally and vertically) and if there is any provision for exemption of Income Tax for such a handicap please do let me know ASAP. I desperately need to know because last week, I got a mail from our Finance Manager asking me to submit proof of investments or else Income Tax, the size of India’s fiscal deficit would be deducted from my intern stipend. Now, I love my country, Jai Hind and Bharath Mata Ki Jai and all that blah, but I simply cannot support this country on my meager stipend alone. (well, that is what they tell you in those IT Dept. ads that is peppering the newspaper these days. "You" are responsible for the roads, "You" are responsible for the progress of the country. “You” of course means the earning class a.k.a. as the cash cow class.)

Now my CEO earns in figures that slightly exceeds the GNP of the country, the FM’s gross salary is rumored to equal the total budget of Nagaland while HR reportedly takes home his salary in a truck which led to the collapse of one over bridge, one flyover and a Highway Weigh Bridge. However we, the common folk of this company have no such luck. We carry our salary home in a customized chillar kaas pouch embossed with company logo.

After listening to my ranting and grumblings for one whole second the company accountant gave me an address and showed me the accounts department door.

12:30 pm and I find the address given to me by my accountant. It is a rather nondescript office and a Mr. Mani meets me at the door. He introduces himself as the "PR Manager" for the IT Dept, Karnataka Circle. I am ushered into his office and seated in a Godrej chair while Mr Mani himself sits at his Godrej Premium chair and looks at me with a beatific smile. Something tells me that he was born with this smile. I tell Mr Mani my problems of supporting an entire nation with my meager salary. His smile never wavers.

Mr. Mani: Ah, Miss! Do you know what the government does with the tax it collects from you?
Me: Pay your salary?
Mr. Mani: Yes...er I mean No!! Did you know that because of the false bill you gave for the book "Communication for Donkeys" the government was unable to retar and repair 65,569km of National Highways, 1,31,899km of State Highways 4,67,763km of Major District roads and 26,50,000km of Village roads???
Me( shocked): Really ?!?!?!
Mr. Mani: Yes, we had to dip into the "Garibi Hatao" fund to complete the job to the Contractor’s Association’s satisfaction.
Me: But where are the roads?
Mr. Mani (quickly): We had just enough money to do up the existing roads but not enough to fill up the potholes. As you can see the roads around the potholes is world class!
Me: But...but...
Mr. Mani(cutting in smoothly): And for those false medical bills you gave for treatment of "IT induced heartburn", the government was unable to equip and run 457599 government hospitals and clinics. To meet the shortfall we had to send a Secretary level delegation to Bangkok and Phuket to gather the necessary funds.
Me (shocked): Oh my gawd!!!
Mr. Mani ( emphatically): Exactly! And for that fake conveyance voucher you submitted for traveling to "IT Related Stress Disorder Clinic" last month, the government was unable to fill the 4545955 potholes in the city! Now we have to buy all the Ministers a Scorpio each so that they do not break their back on the way to their offices to serve selfish people like you.
Me(breaking down): Oh noooooooo!
Mr. Mani: The Telephone bills you submitted for 800 calls to an "IT Psychologist" put paid our Airport Expansion plans because of which a ministerial delegation had to be convened at Hawaii to discuss the situation and find a solution.
Me (eyes brimming with tears): I am so ashamed of myself.
Mr. Mani: Remember that manipulated LTA bill to "Cherrapunji" you submitted this year?
Me (sobbing): Yes?
Mr. Mani: 56758449 poor kids had to go hungry because of that! Our honorable ministers had to skip ONE luncheon at Oberoi Towers to fund the Free Meal Scheme 2005 to avoid the embarrassment to the government.
Me (breaking down): I am a bad girl.Waaaaah
Mr. Mani (soothingly): There, there. Don’t be too harsh on yourself dear. Drop a donation for the IT Dept. retirement fund on your way out. You will feel much better. And don’t be a defaulter anymore.
Me: * sniff * Ok. Bye Sir.
Mr. Mani: By the way the SUV that your Uncle in Changanachery bought is a good selection. I particularly like its 3000cc inline-four that develops 114 bhp at 3000 revs and over 30 kgm of torque between 1600 and 2000 rpm. And that three bedroom first floor apartment your cousin purchased in Muvattupuzha was a good buy indeed. Personally I think your aunty in Kochi invested very wisely in that Estate in Munnar. Coffee prices are doing well and she will be able to complete the construction of her fourteen bedroom bungalow very soon!
Me: Whaaaat? How do you know all this?
Mr. Mani (beatific smile in place): Goodbye dear. Happy New Fiscal Year 2005-2006.

64 comments:

Matter of Choice said...

rofl :))))))

ur post came just in time!!!! i was half asleep trying to read thru some of the most soporific study material ever printed :)

cheers
MoC

Matter of Choice said...

LTA bill to chirapunji? ER..now that gives me some ideas...my earlier fav destination was Leh. i have visited the place twice in the last two years with my parents who complain that March in Bangalore is unbearably cold!!

cheers
moC

Ganja Turtle said...

MOO....its MOOVATUPUZHA,lady... sheesh,teaching Malayalam to all these PYTS of of bangalore is becoming a big problem for me...

And since you are feeling guilty, you can wash off some of these sins of omission by contributing generously to the Ganja Turtle Weekend Relief Fund - that aims at redeeming the fiscal deficit of a gifted individual who otherwise takes out his poverty-induced rage on old Mallu ladies in Maruti Zens, overtaking from the left side at 100km/hr with piercing honks...Contribute now and save lives!

Rockus said...

No Income...no income tax!
So happy :-)

Arti Honrao said...

Witty silverine strikes back! :D
Good one as usual...

Me is not as good as u parr ek adna si koshish ki hai, fursat mein dekh lijiye aur tipniyaan dijiye :D


GBU
Arti

Mind Curry said...

thats a very good one..but the last bit is scary too! man..i guess i have to start paying taxes after all..sigh! :) kidding..i plan to..once i start earning that is..

silverine said...

@MoC: Remember Hema Malini in my version of Sholay "Entertainment Taxed"? Your trip to Leh is similiar to her claim of being a "horse carriage owner'. ROFL Study hard and give Mr. Mani a run for 'your' money :))
@Ganja Turtle: Teaching Malayalam to PYT's of Bangalore Fund has just been constituted! However it will attract Entertainment Tax I am told by Mr. Mani LOL
@Rockus: We were like that wonly two years back *sigh*
@Arti:Thanks girl :)
@mindcurry: Ha ha these guys know everything. Better start finding loopholes or give up working, the only way to avoid taxes :))

rocksea said...

*not related to this post*
wow. you love Gerald Durrell. am happy n suprised cuz very few mallus/indians know him or few books are available in the libraries (kottayam public library have some of the old editions). once i even wrote a long letter to him longg back.. got a reply from the director saying hez no more. anyways JWPT is running well, they sent me brochures and all. i had asked them abt joining jwpt. but it turned out that training is too costly.

lash said...

you are such a jockey!!!

Alexis Leon said...

Exceptional...ROFL. I really enjoyed your conversation with Mr.Mani.

kd said...

I am here-u.. where you are-u bengalur-u.. what an eye sore-u.

Fleiger said...

Sigh, the good old days of submitting some random investment proposals (to save tax being cut), and then rushing around fulfilling all the promises we made... I remember once my collegue got a shock when almost 75% of his salary was cut as IT in February.

BTW, please ask Mr. Mani what happens when we put in false HRA bills?

Hyde said...

I've never submitted an LTA. Shucks!

>|' ; '| said...

pay the taxes ;)
some part of it does trickle down to the roads and the schools and the hospitals....and to derelict government colleges..

Lalit Singh said...

Gawd!! I remember the time when everyone would be scampering for the Medical receipts and the Books receipts n all that... Some of the books...I had no idea what they were related to...
And dont worry I am sharing the load equally for running the country on my meagre salary :-P

"Sau (100) mein ninyanvey(99) beimaan.. phir bhi Mera Bharat Mahaan"
So true!!

silverine said...

@rocksea:I had absolutely no difficulty in getting all his books. I owe Reades Digest for introducing me to GD. In fact I owe RD for introducing to me to a lot of good books through their book column. I went over to your site and was amazed at the photos of the Barbet and Rufous Indian Treepie. I tried to spot a Barbet last year in Ooty by following its call with no success. It is so well hidden with its green coloring. I think I should have just gone to a Papaya Tree and waited lol.
@Lash: Yeah I am !!!
@Alexis: Thank you. He was such a nice man :))
@KD: LOL so you are in namma bengaluru? Best of luck to your spine and joints. They will need it :))
@Fleiger: For the false HRA Bills you submitted last year( Mr. Mani knows about it) the government was unable to fund 376567 Primary Schools and an equal number of derelict govt. colleges. A high level ministerial delegation had to be sent to the French Reviera to ponder over this issue LOL
@Hyde: It would have been refunded to you minus tax deductions.
@Poison: Derelict government colleges? That must be because of the false HRA bills submitted by Fleiger :))
@Lalith: It is such a relief to know that my burden is shared by you too. But what can two poor people do? ;)p.s. "Sau (100) mein ninyanvey(99) beimaan.. phir bhi Mera Bharat Mahaan" is sau prathishat sahi jawaab!

Browser said...

Great - still laughinh ou loud. Got rid of my Monday morning blues for me. Now to see how I can outwit Mr.Mani.......

ursjina said...

Mmm..dats scary..especially for someone like me who is gonna start working like in another 4 months..and for a complete ignoramus like me its gonna be tsunami and earthquakes striking at the same time

jaguu said...

:)....


Hmmmm as usual just when we readers think you have reached your humorous best you come up another gem of post.Love the way you always find humour even in every situation.

PS:Yes!!I am NRI just because I cant be bothered with this yearly headache.Just hoping Chidabaram Annan does not start taxing us from this year.

Safari Al said...

Ya...i dont earn??? at least not yet.

brilliant. about that coffee estate in munnar. Any special discounts for students?

ROTFL!!!

brilliant post.

Manasi said...

Grt post lady! Wonderful conversation and the end was grt too! The omniscient IT dept :)

പാപ്പാന്‍‌/mahout said...

Very funny, as usual.

Maybe you can add quality #8a to look for in your PL as his 'taxing' ability.

[As for Muvattupuzha/Moovattupuzha, the Ganja-addled T seems to have gotten it wrong :-) -- the official version is "Muvattupuzha". Nobody spells it as Moovattupuzha anymore, though it is closer to its Malayalam pronunciation.]

Jeet said...

ha ha

truly brilliant !

Don't we all fall under the ' severely Income Challenged person ' band :P

anthony said...

Hilarious as always, but i also have to submit a hosts of things like rentaal, medical bills, Investment income blha blah, whic also reminds me that I forgot to pay the last installment on my life insurance. How do i pay and get the reciept by 10th FEB. Grrrrr

silverine said...

@browser: Best of luck in trying to outwit Mr Mani :))
@Ursjina:When you are negotiating that first salary make sure you deduct IT to arrive at your take home!
@Jaggu:Chidambaram Annan LOL Remember Big Brother is always watching! And thank you for the kind words. :)
@Safari Al: Discounts will be given provided you pay in cash LOL
@Manasi: Thank you gal! :)
@Mahouth: Nice to see you! As long as he does not 'tax' my pateince I am fine with 'taxing ability' LOL And I had spelt 'Muvattupuzha' as 'Movatupuzha'. Changed it to the spelling I know after Ganja Turtle pointed out the mistake :)
@Jeet: So a fellow handicapped sufferer? :))Thanks for dropping by.
@Anthony: Thank you. Better get those recipets ready or prepare for the axing of your salary to microscopic proportions!!!Am gonna try out the Palak Paneer soon. It looks yummy.

Ammey Kesarkar said...

I am the fool that pays all his taxes. No false claims, no 'so called' investments
I don't regret about it.

vaik said...

cool post. Pretty confusing till the end whether there is a message to pay the tax or not but it aptly helps the flow.
Anyway women get more tax benefits than men :)

JamesBright said...

When I used to work there, nobody asked me to pay the income tax..!
May be those things became more strict now!

Supremus said...

ROFL!! Tax bharo bachcho Tax bharo :P - warna gogo aajayega :P - ok, a bad one, but this was truly hilarious. I am off to check more from silverline land :D

suyog

Tha Dalda said...

OMG OMG OMG after all that the govt has done to u, how can u bring urself to cheat the govt. pay them so that they can sip coffee in Oberoi and discuss abt their kids by the poolside. the politicians need to save somethin for their kids too. imagine a politician's kid drivin in a small car like the honda city. chee chee galeezzz.

FJ said...

good one lol.. and thanks for letting us know so many good ideas to reduce our IT.

Jithu said...

it was heard that after this post was released the income tax returns filings had an unprecendented increase. and also some amt disappeared from the treasury. reuters reported that this amt has been given as a bribe by the I-Tax officials to an unknown blogger to write a post on I-Tax!!

Binoy, The One and Only said...

As always, saw that you had posted something new, and had to fight hard the temptation to read it in the office. Well, not a big issue, but what will my colleagues think of me when I am laughing my lungs out on the floor, clutching my big tummy? Oh silverine, thou rock!

silverine said...

@ammeykesarkar: I claim all my rightful reimbursements and am damn proud of it too. Ever heard if an IT raid on a ministers house?
@Vaik: I wrote this post after seeing those IT ads which deliberately tries to induce a feeling of guilt tinged with a veiled threat to pay your Tax.The message of this post is that you have to take the burden of the untaxed class whether you like it or not. So claim whats yours rightfully.
@dreamslittle:The noose is tighter now!
@supremus:Howdy neighbour! :)Tax bharo bachcho Tax bharo, warna gabbar aajayega :p
@Dalda:Honda City? OMG OMG OMG I better pay my taxes then! Poor rich kids :p You come up with these damned funny comments everytime :))
@venkataprasad:Thank you and make good use of the advice :))
@Jithu:I always knew that you had developed inside contacts in the IT Dept after my last IT post. Tell me frankly how much I must pay you to keep quite? :p
@binoy: Thank you buddy!! :))

calvin said...

Since I have started working only recently and since the goverment doesnt know it yet , I am yet to be intiatated into this tedium. Comments deffered until then .

said...

My office folks said: "get all proofs by 10th feb else no salary for next two months".

And on top of that, IT department is trying to recruit my 6 months' old son for free: "does your father pay tax?"

Sigh ...

Nice post, BTW :-)

rocksea said...

yes silver, it was RD who introduced me to GD. my family n other animals haha. love that one. u must be knowing lawrence durrell his brother is another giant in literature though havent read him.

barbets dont come down to the ground. so may be itz a bit difficult comparitively but we see a lot at my place. chal,

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

damn !!!!!

coincidence gallore ....

i was having a talk with my dad yest abt how our salary is used for paying for the cut roads , potholes , and the various road harrassments ( what the ..... !!!! )

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

heh heh ...

ur prehistoric man's description reminds me of the men on out tv screens ? are they really so far behind ???

take care

Anoop MohanKumar said...

Tips:

1)Want to make some quick money?
Get hold of a software guy, tell him you are a tax consultant.

2)Want to Evade tax and tax guys? produce your death certificate. I could get you one for 500 bucks.

And yes I am a tax consultant :)

Ammo said...

Income tax...I've heard that word somewhere...hmmm...Oh GOD...its March already...

silverine said...

@aashik: Prepare for the worst!And thanks for the link on Heaven and Hell!!
@Kousik: *sigh* A lot of collective sighs will go up into the heavens this month I think. I too have the same ultimatum. I am a regular visitor to your blog. Lovely picture of that Indian Roller!!
p.s.I think they must see the potential in your son :))
@rocksea: My family and other animals was his first book I read and was hooked. It also describes his family and illustrious brother.
@Deepa: Guess this is the topic of discussion thruout India.And the men are really that far behind :))
@Anoop: I am still recovering from your latest post.Gave me quite a jolt to read that you share 'her' with your Dad. I shall consider your services :))
@Ammo: Jolt your memory before the Tax man cometh and taketh all that you haveth LOL

Srinivas said...

that month starts to greet us as fools and right in the middle beats the money out of you. its really hard to see a humungous figure for YTD and the Net pay seems so gross!!

if only the money is put to use i mean public use, they got another happy taxpayer. they put it in their pockets, we evade, we complain, becomes a chicken and egg problem..

srini.

bindhu said...

Hilarious!! Now this reminds me.. I think I'll also have to meet a good financial consultant.

പാപ്പാന്‍‌/mahout said...

[Off-topic]: Another Gerald Durrell fan here. When I was still in my youth, and madly in love with somebody (unrequited, as always), the presents we used to give each other on our birthdays were almost invariably Gerald Durrell books. If I recall correctly, that "affair" came to an end when there were no more GD books to give ;-)

Just curious, how did you and rock-sea find your first GD (and I am pretty sure it was "My Family...")?

[Apologies for hijacking the thread]

silverine said...

@Srinivas:Exactly. Believe me if the taxes went for good causes which includes making life a little better for the cash cows, then we would all be willing tax payers indeed.
@Bindhu: A Tax Consultant would be of great help if you are tax challenged like me. Thanks for dropping by:)
@Mahout: I read a condensed form of My Family etc in Readers Digest and that's how was introduced to GD. Then on a vacation to Delhi I found all his books in a Book Store.I think I was very lucky to get them cos I heard they are not readily available. You could try Amazon.

Sreejith Kumar said...

:-))

flaashgordon said...

My blood boils when i hear about such tax evaders!!False bills, fake LTA claims to cherrapunchi,i'm sure u even claim HRA saying u have been paying rent to your dad for staying at his house ! u've really been a bad bad girl!We should tax u fine u and then tax u on the fine amount once again

btw hmm...what a rofl post!!!That reminds me ; u are entertaining so many with ur posts without bothering to pay any Entertainment Tax?

"You'll never know what hit you Evader"

cheers
flaash
(On behalf on IT Dept, Karnataka)

PS: IT means Income Tax, not Information Technology- always they have this pbm in B'lore. And they talk of IT Exhibition, IT Stocks..

Roy said...

Hi…I’m Roy, just start the journey in the blog-world. New..... so learning the tricks by peeping in others blog without any prior permission (sorry for that!!).

Income challeneg person?!?!
I think everyone belong to this category except the dead ones..

Heii, why not take a look to my blog: (http://comeonroy.blogspot.com/) & tell me where I need to improve. Most important, maybe you can also get something new & interesting stuff…..maybe!!
Hoping to hear you..
Roy

Kusum Rohra said...

Just can't stop laughing ... Jaggu recommended your blog to me.. well what can i say , i think he has just reserved his place in heaven by supplying me (the cute little angle)heheh... with so much laughter.

Jagan said...

the first thing i hear after landing here is about tax ...ayyoo....

silverine said...

@sreejith: Thank you!
@Flaash: lolzzzz :)) Please have mercy on an old blog buddy and don't give the IT guys ideas on taxing me further. Remember ET applies to your blog too :))p.s. didnt know you were moonlighting with Mr. Mani you back stabber grrrr :)
@Roy: YOu dont need anyone's permission to read blogs. They are public anyway. So go ahead, blog hop and hope to see some 'inspired' posts from you. Will def check out your blog.
@Kusum: Thank you girl. Glad I made you laugh when this is a topic which makes all of us cry :))
@Jagan: Welcome back to the Tax Mans embrace :))

Anonymous said...

Well i guess im in the no income, no tax and no life segment of society! So thank you for the roads and the rails!
have a nice day
regards
g
--
http://g-thisisme.blogspirit.com

Unnikrishnan G Nair said...

For the last two days, I was reading over time to complete your blogs and I must say that they are interesting and humourous. And your oneliners are excellent. I have added your blogspot to my blog favorites in my office PC.

Unnikrishnan G Nair.

illusion said...

very witty!

Anil The Great said...

silverline :

wish you could have asked , what happen to the nation when the inister do scam, does the whole country sleeps empty stomach.

I know, only the middle class creases problem for the country by doing frauds coz other people are not expected to pay, so no problmes, right !!

-ATG

silverine said...

@Girish:So thank you for the roads and the rails! You are welcome. I am doing my best:)
@Unnikrishnan and illusion :Thank you :)
@ATG: Scams galore and more, but what the heck the middle class is there naah to squeeze for money to run the nation! p.s. Righfully claiming your reimbursements is not a fraud.

Wacky Vin said...

Hey thanks for dropping by. Remember “The Untouchables”? AL CAPONE was finally convicted for invading tax, not for murders.

പാപ്പാന്‍‌/mahout said...

[O/T][re GD: I took the same route. Saw the same condensed version in RD. Then, while living to Delhi, obtained most of GD's books from The Bookworm, the hole-in-the-wall bookshop in Connaught Place.]

silverine said...

@wackywin: Now that sums up my post rather neatly :))
@Mahouth: I miss the Delhi book shops. You get practically everything there!

Ashish said...

ROTFL - One great post i must say , had me in tears :) Internal monologue : Thank you God for making me work here *where i am rite now* , no taxes :D (touchwood)

Sonia said...

loL! i know exactly what u mean! i ended up payinng so much of my hard earned money to tax! :o( thankfully, that isn't there in dubai.

silverine said...

@ashish: You are lucky indeed. Thanks for dropping by :)
@Sonia:It sure hurts girl LOL You are lucky that you do not have to pay taxes in Dubai!

Jim said...

After reading this a second time, I figured out the Mr. Mani reference :) Good one!