The IT boom saw many a cousin brother and sister from Kerala making a beeline to Bangalore, settling into careers, marrying and then having their babies. After the arrival of the baby and mom from mom’s hometown the proud parents decide that it is time they got back to the carefree days during weekends. Now this leaves poor baby out in the cold. Out of profound guilt, the new parents decide that their own kith and kin* should look after the baby so that he/she does not feel left out and grow up to become a psychopath or HR.
There fore during weekends we would get a gaggle of babies, toddlers and brats into our house for ‘safekeeping’ so that new mom and dads and the not so new mom and dads could have a night out in town. (Little did they realize that it was us that needed to be kept safe from them.)
(*‘Kin’ is defined as my mom and me.)
Here are some lessons I have learnt after years of baby-sitting, which may prove useful to new parents and masochists in search of newer and better methods of receiving punishments.
1. The smaller the baby, the easier they are to take care. The bigger they are the better if you are away on a vacation when they are visiting.
2. The age of the baby/kid in months is directly proportional to the BDA plots that your Doctor will buy from the consultation fees you pay him for treating your ulcers, fast graying hair, nervous breakdowns etc.
3. Babies prefer that the babysitter sit, while they crawl around, chewing slippers, licking shoes and gnawing the dog. ( My dogs will actually put their tails between their legs and slink out of the house when they hear my mom say on the phone "Sure we will take care of Rohan" )
4. The smallest speck on the floor is immediately spotted, minutely scrutinized and eaten. This includes ants, cockroaches and other miscellaneous life forms that are bite sized. Baby food is for woosies. No self-respecting baby will eat it. (The modern art on our walls is dried baby food by the way, in case you think we are art connoisseurs.)
5. When baby takes your finger and chews on it appreciatively it does not mean she is hungry. It means you did not wash your hands after dusting the sofa/bathing the dog/gardening etc.
6. Babies have internal radar that tells them if you are within 5 feet of their crib. So it is advised to leave the TV ‘ON’ when you need to go out of the room. The noise won’t fool them but they know that you will definitely be back after the commercials.
7. Water in the dogs bowl tastes much better than the boiled water served in sterile bottles. Ditto with the dogs food. Ditto with the dog. ( Cerelac/babyfood is for dogs)
8. Kids know immediately when they look at you that they have a sucker in their hands.
My mom said I could shave my legs (a 7 year old)
Daddy said I could use your lipstick (a 5 year old)
My mom said that I could watch Desperate Housewives (an 8 year old)
and my favorite
Brat: If you let me play in water I won’t tell Mummy that I fell down from the swing ok?”
Me: But you didn’t fall down the swing!!!
Brat: I know.
9. Answer all their questions patiently or the consequences can be unpleasant.
Brat: What are you reading?
Me: A book.
My Mom to brat: What is the chechi doing?
Brat: She is reading a book.
Mom: What book?
Brat: Aunty lying on top of uncle.
Mom’s reactions withheld but she was in my room before I could say “Charge of the Moral Brigade”. (the book “ a romantic tragedy” had the cover picture of a young couple, the girl leaning on the man’s shoulder whilst they both looked at the sunset)
10. Be appropriately dressed when kids are around.
Brat to my Dad: Why are your boobs so small?
Dad: Huh ?!?!?!.... I think I hear the phone ringing!
11. Be prepared for embarrassing questions.
Brat: What is adultery?
Me: er...where did you get that word?
Brat: We are learning Ten Commandments in Catechism Class…
Me: um..er...mmmm...ahem...it is some sort of sin.
Brat: Wrong!! You commit adultery if you run away with that uncle next door.
Me: %$@&*# If you know the answer then why did you ask me the question?
Brat: I was just checking.
Me: *censored*
(I pity Primary School Catechism teachers)
12. Be prepared for mental battles.
Me to mom: Arun’s mom says we should not give him E.G.G.
(spelling it out so 4 year old Arun will not catch on)
Mom: So Arun what would you like to eat?
Arun: E.G.G.
Same kid had a cold and was thus forbidden to eat Ice Cream. But he kept bugging me and finally exasperated I said: Read my mouth NO!
Arun: Read my mouth “YES!”
13. And lastly they are uncomplicated.
Me to my friend: What will happen if you put a Blue Elephant into a Red sea?
Friend 1: The elephant will become red?!
Friend 2: It will become a bluish red?
Friend 3: hmmm..it will become purple as blue+ red is purple.
Brat: It will drown.
Brat got it right.
( The youngest baby we babysat was a two month old infant whose mommy had to air dash to London for some examination. When she got back we had to conduct an induction programme to reacquaint her with her baby. After the induction I gave her a 60/100. My mom gave her a 10/100. Thank god for the Law of Averages she got to take the baby home!!)
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Saturday, April 01, 2006
To Goa
(Warning: Very long post.This was written after this post after which a lot of people asked for a sequel)
Let me describe the second lap of our journey from Mangalore to Goa. We left Kerala, spent a day at beautiful Mangalore and the next day took the Mangalore-Goa road. This route is a very scenic route and it is advised to use blinkers for car occupants during this journey. Otherwise car occupants will do crazy things like stopping the car every half an hour or so to take pictures of the beautiful sights. It is advisable to have patient drivers like my elder brother G who will patiently pull over every time I wanted to click a snap.
By the time we reached Bhatkal we were in a holiday mood. I would describe holiday mood as that state of being when you stop looking at the watch or the milestone and just enjoy the time without worrying about the next moment. Goa was somewhere in the horizon, but we were in no hurry to reach it. After a drive of an hour or so out of Mangalore, we hit a small beach. The water was an unusual grey and blended into the grey sky. The whole scene looked surreal like we were watching an episode from Star Trek. It was with great difficulty that we tore our eyes from the sea and drove on. We stopped at Bhatkal and were lucky to witness the arrival of fishing boats and the hectic auctioneering that follows soon after the catch is loaded. A basket of mackerels was sold for Rs 50 right before my eyes!!!! That would be around 10 kilos definitely. I suddenly felt bad at the haggling my Mom did with the fish seller who comes in regularly. These guys certainly don't have it easy. I looked at the fishing boat proudly festooned with the Indian tricolor and wondered how these guys managed to make both ends meet? :(
The Bhatkal Light House is an amazing place. You drive up this steep hill on a road that is perhaps a few inches broader than a ribbon to reach the lighthouse. The view from the lighthouse is breathtaking. We stood in silence and let the view sink in. Massive waves broke against the cliff walls below and I just couldn't believe that I was in India. This as a scene straight out of English novels. The confluence of the sea and mountains throughout the route was an amazing sight! (No guys, Karnataka Tourism is not paying me to write this, though their last cheque did bounce!)
We lunched at Karwar at a restaurant cum bar !!! ( it was the only place open at 3pm) The food was decent, the place wasn't. Any minute I expected a Silk Smitha to come floating out of the silk curtains and garish light festooned doorway. My mom and me were as out of place as two Nuns in a tattoo parlor. While G tried to stifle his laughter at our situation, M looked around with exaggerated interest and asked the Manager when the floorshow would start. The Manager suitably pleased at the thought of a prospective customer informed M that 'Belita' and her troupe would perform from 6 pm onwards. M put on another overly exaggerated look of disappointment and said mournfully that he would not be able to witness the spectacular floorshow as he had to drive to Goa. He then proceeded to do what he always does at restaurants. He asked the Manager if they served 'Duck'!
The poor manager who looked like a MacMohan clone ( of Samba fame in Sholay) was flummoxed. He went into the kitchen to check with the cook. By now G was chuckling away, while my Mom looked very disapproving and Dad tried hard to hide his smile behind the Menu card. My mom did what she usually does when M takes off on his pranks. She took the menu and ordered lunch from another waiter. MacMohan came back saying that they did not have “duck' but they had chicken. Again M put on that look of exaggerated disappointment and he sighed loudly and asked if they had ‘goose’? MacMohan went into a tizzy again and went to check the same with the cook. By this time I was laughing uncontrollably, my mom was looking daggers at M and M was reading the menu rather too gravely.
Drinking is a strict no-no while driving so both brothers had to watch Dad and me gulp down chilled beer while they had to make do with Musambi Juice. MacMohan looked very disapproving now. Two young guys and drinking Musambi juice??? I am sure he must have thought that he had seen everything he had to see in this trade. The waiter bought in my Chicken Biryani and M asked the waiter innocently if the meat was crow meat or chicken meat? The waiter was taken aback, and then recovering his composure replied with all sincerity that it was indeed chicken. He then proceeded to explain in all innocence that the restaurant did not serve crow. M nodded sagely and said gravely that he understood how difficult it was to catch crows!
We limbered into Goa late in the evening and were promptly stopped by the cops. We were waved behind a row of cars that were stopped similarly. A sleepy cop who perhaps did not see G clearly under the Sodium Vapor lamp wanted to know why he wasn't wearing a Khaki shirt!!! This time it was M's turn to hoot with laughter as G explained patiently that this was a private car and he wasn't a taxi driver. The cop noticed the white board and sheepishly waved us on. I guess it was time for the poor cop to go home and have his Feni.
We met surprisingly friendly cops in Goa. Imagine this scene. My brother and friend driving back at 7 pm to the resort after a day of scuba diving. A cop stops them and asks them where they were heading. When they disclosed that they were going back to the resort, the cop looked surprised and remarked that 7 'o' clock was party time and not a decent hour to be going back to the room!!! He then waved them on after advising them on the most happening nightclubs in town. He left a big impression on the guys with his warm and friendly nature.
The beaches of Goa were nice and it was cloudy throughout our stay, which made the weather really pleasant. However the waters smelled of fuel from the ever-present boats. We spent mornings on the recliners that the beach shacks hire out. On the last day we saw the shameful sight of a group of Saffron turbaned Sikhs who terrorized and chased every bikini clad foreigner out of the waters till somebody called the cops.
The whole industry is geared towards foreigners and getting a South Indian meal is difficult unless you go to Panaji’. I survived on Subs throughout the holiday and lost hell of a lot of weight by the time we got back. The food at the resort was heavily into meat. On our way back we stopped at a Kamat hotel and had rice and sambhar like starving hordes. :)
If you are going to Goa take the Bangalore, Mangalore, Goa route. It is a whole package of experiences.
Let me describe the second lap of our journey from Mangalore to Goa. We left Kerala, spent a day at beautiful Mangalore and the next day took the Mangalore-Goa road. This route is a very scenic route and it is advised to use blinkers for car occupants during this journey. Otherwise car occupants will do crazy things like stopping the car every half an hour or so to take pictures of the beautiful sights. It is advisable to have patient drivers like my elder brother G who will patiently pull over every time I wanted to click a snap.
By the time we reached Bhatkal we were in a holiday mood. I would describe holiday mood as that state of being when you stop looking at the watch or the milestone and just enjoy the time without worrying about the next moment. Goa was somewhere in the horizon, but we were in no hurry to reach it. After a drive of an hour or so out of Mangalore, we hit a small beach. The water was an unusual grey and blended into the grey sky. The whole scene looked surreal like we were watching an episode from Star Trek. It was with great difficulty that we tore our eyes from the sea and drove on. We stopped at Bhatkal and were lucky to witness the arrival of fishing boats and the hectic auctioneering that follows soon after the catch is loaded. A basket of mackerels was sold for Rs 50 right before my eyes!!!! That would be around 10 kilos definitely. I suddenly felt bad at the haggling my Mom did with the fish seller who comes in regularly. These guys certainly don't have it easy. I looked at the fishing boat proudly festooned with the Indian tricolor and wondered how these guys managed to make both ends meet? :(
The Bhatkal Light House is an amazing place. You drive up this steep hill on a road that is perhaps a few inches broader than a ribbon to reach the lighthouse. The view from the lighthouse is breathtaking. We stood in silence and let the view sink in. Massive waves broke against the cliff walls below and I just couldn't believe that I was in India. This as a scene straight out of English novels. The confluence of the sea and mountains throughout the route was an amazing sight! (No guys, Karnataka Tourism is not paying me to write this, though their last cheque did bounce!)
We lunched at Karwar at a restaurant cum bar !!! ( it was the only place open at 3pm) The food was decent, the place wasn't. Any minute I expected a Silk Smitha to come floating out of the silk curtains and garish light festooned doorway. My mom and me were as out of place as two Nuns in a tattoo parlor. While G tried to stifle his laughter at our situation, M looked around with exaggerated interest and asked the Manager when the floorshow would start. The Manager suitably pleased at the thought of a prospective customer informed M that 'Belita' and her troupe would perform from 6 pm onwards. M put on another overly exaggerated look of disappointment and said mournfully that he would not be able to witness the spectacular floorshow as he had to drive to Goa. He then proceeded to do what he always does at restaurants. He asked the Manager if they served 'Duck'!
The poor manager who looked like a MacMohan clone ( of Samba fame in Sholay) was flummoxed. He went into the kitchen to check with the cook. By now G was chuckling away, while my Mom looked very disapproving and Dad tried hard to hide his smile behind the Menu card. My mom did what she usually does when M takes off on his pranks. She took the menu and ordered lunch from another waiter. MacMohan came back saying that they did not have “duck' but they had chicken. Again M put on that look of exaggerated disappointment and he sighed loudly and asked if they had ‘goose’? MacMohan went into a tizzy again and went to check the same with the cook. By this time I was laughing uncontrollably, my mom was looking daggers at M and M was reading the menu rather too gravely.
Drinking is a strict no-no while driving so both brothers had to watch Dad and me gulp down chilled beer while they had to make do with Musambi Juice. MacMohan looked very disapproving now. Two young guys and drinking Musambi juice??? I am sure he must have thought that he had seen everything he had to see in this trade. The waiter bought in my Chicken Biryani and M asked the waiter innocently if the meat was crow meat or chicken meat? The waiter was taken aback, and then recovering his composure replied with all sincerity that it was indeed chicken. He then proceeded to explain in all innocence that the restaurant did not serve crow. M nodded sagely and said gravely that he understood how difficult it was to catch crows!
We limbered into Goa late in the evening and were promptly stopped by the cops. We were waved behind a row of cars that were stopped similarly. A sleepy cop who perhaps did not see G clearly under the Sodium Vapor lamp wanted to know why he wasn't wearing a Khaki shirt!!! This time it was M's turn to hoot with laughter as G explained patiently that this was a private car and he wasn't a taxi driver. The cop noticed the white board and sheepishly waved us on. I guess it was time for the poor cop to go home and have his Feni.
We met surprisingly friendly cops in Goa. Imagine this scene. My brother and friend driving back at 7 pm to the resort after a day of scuba diving. A cop stops them and asks them where they were heading. When they disclosed that they were going back to the resort, the cop looked surprised and remarked that 7 'o' clock was party time and not a decent hour to be going back to the room!!! He then waved them on after advising them on the most happening nightclubs in town. He left a big impression on the guys with his warm and friendly nature.
The beaches of Goa were nice and it was cloudy throughout our stay, which made the weather really pleasant. However the waters smelled of fuel from the ever-present boats. We spent mornings on the recliners that the beach shacks hire out. On the last day we saw the shameful sight of a group of Saffron turbaned Sikhs who terrorized and chased every bikini clad foreigner out of the waters till somebody called the cops.
The whole industry is geared towards foreigners and getting a South Indian meal is difficult unless you go to Panaji’. I survived on Subs throughout the holiday and lost hell of a lot of weight by the time we got back. The food at the resort was heavily into meat. On our way back we stopped at a Kamat hotel and had rice and sambhar like starving hordes. :)
If you are going to Goa take the Bangalore, Mangalore, Goa route. It is a whole package of experiences.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Learning to drive!
I learnt to drive at the age of 13. Pestered my brother M for approximately one month and fourteen days till he finally gave in just to get me out of his hair I guess. So one fine Saturday morning when my Mom and Dad were out and my eldest brother was in college we set off in my mom’s car for my first lesson. It was a Maruti 800 so my feet could reach the brakes and the accelerator. Now, M is not exactly a patient teacher but I think the thrill of teaching me reckless driving right under Dad’s nose must have enthused him to undertake the job. After he had patiently demonstrated the use of the clutch, gear, accelerator and brake in about tweleve and half seconds, we set off slowly down the road with me behind the wheel and my Lhasa Apso Bubbles in the back seat.
After numerous instructions like:
Do you think Roopa saw me?
Do you think Aparna saw me?
When we pass Ramesh’s house I will duck ok?
If anybody asks, I am here because you blackmailed me into this ok? etc. I was doing pretty well. It didn’t help my driving a bit, but I wasn’t complaining. Beggars can’t be choosers especially when it comes to choosing their siblings.
Learning to drive from an expert is tough, especially if the expert was born with the steering wheel in his hands. And if the student is your sister who was born without the steering wheels in her hands it leads to some uncomfortable situations, especially for pedestrians some of whom are still alive to tell the tale to the cops if I don’t bring the green blouse with gold border from that tailor down the road or provisions from the Iyengar provision shop only or marry their sons when I reach marriageable age. I am still paying a heavy price for my driving lessons that were supposed to be free.
To begin with I could never get the difference between the brake and the accelerator inspite of my brother’s best efforts and crystal clear instructions.
Look out Hump ahead!!!
Slow down
Press gently on the brake
Hey why are you speeding up?
Oops sorry Pai uncle can’t stop and help you pick up the onions
Oops sorry Venkatesha I will pay for the vegetables and the cart
Aiyyo Shobha aunty did that hurt?
I said BRAKE not ACCELARATOR FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!!!
Look out nooo.....* thud *
The *thud* was Nair uncle taking off into the blue yonder Hero cycle and all, losing thrust and landing back successfully on Mother Earth. In fact Nair uncle had a better landing record than NASA shuttle missions during my ‘driving lesson’ days.
After this incident M drove back home and wrote B for brake and A for Accelerator on a piece of paper which he struck on the brake and accelerator.
We set off past Uncle Thomas who shouted “ I am going to tell your...” his last words were lost in the wind as I mistook the accelerator for the brake again. Besides I was too petrified to take my eyes away from the road and read B for Brake and A for Accelerator and WELCOME on the Kerala Coir Board mat. I kept my eyes firmly on the road and foot firmly pressed on the accelerator and learnt to steer, overtake, turn left and right and reverse etc at a pacy 60 mph and higher. My brother was hopping mad and if a genie were appear and grant me three wishes I would have asked for a Remote Control with the options to “Shut him up” “Lower His Volume” and “Shut the dog up”. But since there was no sign of a genie approaching I devised my own remote control to get away from his incessant nagging and shouting. I would say “Duck, I think Gaurav is coming" and M would slide down the seat and stay there for some time while I experimented with the brake and accelerator to my hearts content. After I felt I was fairly sure of this combination I would say, “ Ok, you can come up now, Gaurav is gone”.
So the next few hours M kept sliding up and down the seat while I practiced releasing the clutch slowly while pressing on the accelerator gently, changing the gear while stamping on the clutch etc. After many an “I see Anita on the road” and “Preethi is coming this way” etc., I was fairly sure of how the whole thing worked. I felt as pleased as a punch that had just learnt driving.
On the 3rd Saturday of driving my brother crazy er... driving lessons we were driving into the road leading to my house when my Dad happened to drive by. From the expression on his face when he saw us I could safely surmise that my brother was grounded. But the resultant turns of events? Brother and his bike and his sister and her dog were grounded. Guess I am not very good at face reading.
( Bubbles who would jump into the car the moment anyone opened the car door, developed an irrational fear of cars. The Vet thought and I agreed vehemently, that it was because of the emotional trauma of being grounded. The Vet has since given up practice and now works in a Call Centre)
After numerous instructions like:
Do you think Roopa saw me?
Do you think Aparna saw me?
When we pass Ramesh’s house I will duck ok?
If anybody asks, I am here because you blackmailed me into this ok? etc. I was doing pretty well. It didn’t help my driving a bit, but I wasn’t complaining. Beggars can’t be choosers especially when it comes to choosing their siblings.
Learning to drive from an expert is tough, especially if the expert was born with the steering wheel in his hands. And if the student is your sister who was born without the steering wheels in her hands it leads to some uncomfortable situations, especially for pedestrians some of whom are still alive to tell the tale to the cops if I don’t bring the green blouse with gold border from that tailor down the road or provisions from the Iyengar provision shop only or marry their sons when I reach marriageable age. I am still paying a heavy price for my driving lessons that were supposed to be free.
To begin with I could never get the difference between the brake and the accelerator inspite of my brother’s best efforts and crystal clear instructions.
Look out Hump ahead!!!
Slow down
Press gently on the brake
Hey why are you speeding up?
Oops sorry Pai uncle can’t stop and help you pick up the onions
Oops sorry Venkatesha I will pay for the vegetables and the cart
Aiyyo Shobha aunty did that hurt?
I said BRAKE not ACCELARATOR FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!!!
Look out nooo.....* thud *
The *thud* was Nair uncle taking off into the blue yonder Hero cycle and all, losing thrust and landing back successfully on Mother Earth. In fact Nair uncle had a better landing record than NASA shuttle missions during my ‘driving lesson’ days.
After this incident M drove back home and wrote B for brake and A for Accelerator on a piece of paper which he struck on the brake and accelerator.
We set off past Uncle Thomas who shouted “ I am going to tell your...” his last words were lost in the wind as I mistook the accelerator for the brake again. Besides I was too petrified to take my eyes away from the road and read B for Brake and A for Accelerator and WELCOME on the Kerala Coir Board mat. I kept my eyes firmly on the road and foot firmly pressed on the accelerator and learnt to steer, overtake, turn left and right and reverse etc at a pacy 60 mph and higher. My brother was hopping mad and if a genie were appear and grant me three wishes I would have asked for a Remote Control with the options to “Shut him up” “Lower His Volume” and “Shut the dog up”. But since there was no sign of a genie approaching I devised my own remote control to get away from his incessant nagging and shouting. I would say “Duck, I think Gaurav is coming" and M would slide down the seat and stay there for some time while I experimented with the brake and accelerator to my hearts content. After I felt I was fairly sure of this combination I would say, “ Ok, you can come up now, Gaurav is gone”.
So the next few hours M kept sliding up and down the seat while I practiced releasing the clutch slowly while pressing on the accelerator gently, changing the gear while stamping on the clutch etc. After many an “I see Anita on the road” and “Preethi is coming this way” etc., I was fairly sure of how the whole thing worked. I felt as pleased as a punch that had just learnt driving.
On the 3rd Saturday of driving my brother crazy er... driving lessons we were driving into the road leading to my house when my Dad happened to drive by. From the expression on his face when he saw us I could safely surmise that my brother was grounded. But the resultant turns of events? Brother and his bike and his sister and her dog were grounded. Guess I am not very good at face reading.
( Bubbles who would jump into the car the moment anyone opened the car door, developed an irrational fear of cars. The Vet thought and I agreed vehemently, that it was because of the emotional trauma of being grounded. The Vet has since given up practice and now works in a Call Centre)
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Office Blahging !
Monday morning I got a mail from HR.
We notice that the corporate blog space allocated to you is lying unused. As a communications intern, your blog will be used in your grading. So please use the blog to post articles and news and enjoy this exciting medium.
p.s. If you need any help or information about blogging please contact Ramesh from the Employee Rules and Regulations Team.
Sincerely,
HR
I schedule a meeting with Ramesh to learn about the intricacies of Blogging in the Conference Room.
Me: Hi Ramesh, what is this blog thingy all about?
Ramesh: Did you take a look at the links I sent you?
Me: heh heh Yes, that one on HR bashing was cool. Can I do the same?
Ramesh: er...HR bashing? No no no, you were supposed to read the post on the landing page and not browse the archives !!!!
Me: The archives in that blog were really good. The one on the MD’s browsing history was a scream ha ha ha ha...
Ramesh (sweating): er...please disregard that link I sent you and see this blog!
Me: I was just beginning to have fun. This one is so boring. It talks about productivity at work barf!!!
Ramesh: Exactly!!! Corporate blogs should have useful and fun information.
Me: Fun information? Can I write about Guarav and Jayesh getting beaten up at that seedy bar yesterday?
Ramesh (petrified): Noooooooooooooo!!
Me: But you said I can write fun!!!!
Ramesh (wiping sweat from brow): By fun I meant things like office picnic, team outings, holidays etc.
Me: Oh ok, can I write about our last team outing to the spa?
Ramesh: (beaming): Sure!!! What a good idea!!
Me: Damn! I can’t remember that masseuse’s name.
Ramesh (uneasily): masseuse?????? er...why do you want to write about the masseuse??
Me: She slapped that Project Manager very hard, dunno why.
Ramesh(aghast): Noooooooooo, you can’t write stuff like that.
Me:Just now you told me that I can write about the Team Outing!
Ramesh: I need some strong coffee and a couple of dozen Aspirins. Please read the posts in our office blog and get back to me when you get the concept. In the meantime DO NOT WRITE ANYTHING ON YOUR CORPORATE BLOG OK??????
Me: Ok ok, no need to shout! *grumble*
After Ramesh left I sat down and read all the recent posts on the office blog. It was an amazing read.
A marketing manager had written about Brand Building.
“Brand building is very complicated. I shall research the same and post an article at a later date. In the meantime do check out our competitors latest product called *censored*. It is way ahead of the competition!!
Below it was a footnote by the Blog Administrator
Mr Marketing Guy,
Please do not use office blog to promote the competitors product.
Signed:
Blog Administrator.
p.s. Do let me know where I can buy *censored*.
A techie had written extensively about traveling by BMTC buses with some useful tips and suggestions.
Route No 200 is always full and Route no 201 is tedious and Route no 203 is always late. But if you take Route No. 404 and then get off at Sewersandra and take the 114 you will definitely reach the office late. So I would advice all of you to buy a bike”
A lady in the testing team had written about her travails with her maid with some pointers to retain maids like:
“Don’t let her feel she is the boss”
and
“If she asks for a raise fire her !!!!”
Very informative.
The post by our Administration manager was very reassuring:
“We take great care to see that our Cafeteria food is balanced with the correct proportion of carbohydrate, protein, fat, vitamins, mineral salts and fiber. Let me assure you all that the fourteen employees in the hospital with Gastroenteritis after allegedly eating cafeteria food are telling lies.”
The entry by HR was very touching and bought a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat.
“This year we will not be giving any optional holidays unless there is an earthquake to the magnitude of 9 on the Richter scale or a meteorite collision with Earth. In case of a meteorite collision only those affected by the crash will get an off. The rest will come to work as usual.”
The Finance Manager also had a post. It was interestingly titled:
“Taxation for Dummies. A Self Help Guide for our Employees”
Given below is an excerpt from the post.
“To arrive at your Income Tax for the year 2006/2007, take the distance between the Sun and the Moon, now multiply the figure with your gross income and the subsequent figure should then be divided by the circumference of an ants egg. Simple!”
Even the Sysadmin had an entry. It was titled:
“Weekend Leisure Activities”
Off late I have started trekking during weekends. It is a very healthy activity and has cured me of my squint. Earlier I led a boring life reading your mails and peeping into the folders in your computers. Now I go trekking to Mullayanigiri and Kudremukh and access your systems from the pristine surroundings of these verdant hills. I recommend trekking for all employees.”
After looking at the impressive writings, I realized that I was way out of my league here. I have subsequently asked HR to remove me from the bloggers list.
We notice that the corporate blog space allocated to you is lying unused. As a communications intern, your blog will be used in your grading. So please use the blog to post articles and news and enjoy this exciting medium.
p.s. If you need any help or information about blogging please contact Ramesh from the Employee Rules and Regulations Team.
Sincerely,
HR
I schedule a meeting with Ramesh to learn about the intricacies of Blogging in the Conference Room.
Me: Hi Ramesh, what is this blog thingy all about?
Ramesh: Did you take a look at the links I sent you?
Me: heh heh Yes, that one on HR bashing was cool. Can I do the same?
Ramesh: er...HR bashing? No no no, you were supposed to read the post on the landing page and not browse the archives !!!!
Me: The archives in that blog were really good. The one on the MD’s browsing history was a scream ha ha ha ha...
Ramesh (sweating): er...please disregard that link I sent you and see this blog!
Me: I was just beginning to have fun. This one is so boring. It talks about productivity at work barf!!!
Ramesh: Exactly!!! Corporate blogs should have useful and fun information.
Me: Fun information? Can I write about Guarav and Jayesh getting beaten up at that seedy bar yesterday?
Ramesh (petrified): Noooooooooooooo!!
Me: But you said I can write fun!!!!
Ramesh (wiping sweat from brow): By fun I meant things like office picnic, team outings, holidays etc.
Me: Oh ok, can I write about our last team outing to the spa?
Ramesh: (beaming): Sure!!! What a good idea!!
Me: Damn! I can’t remember that masseuse’s name.
Ramesh (uneasily): masseuse?????? er...why do you want to write about the masseuse??
Me: She slapped that Project Manager very hard, dunno why.
Ramesh(aghast): Noooooooooo, you can’t write stuff like that.
Me:Just now you told me that I can write about the Team Outing!
Ramesh: I need some strong coffee and a couple of dozen Aspirins. Please read the posts in our office blog and get back to me when you get the concept. In the meantime DO NOT WRITE ANYTHING ON YOUR CORPORATE BLOG OK??????
Me: Ok ok, no need to shout! *grumble*
After Ramesh left I sat down and read all the recent posts on the office blog. It was an amazing read.
A marketing manager had written about Brand Building.
“Brand building is very complicated. I shall research the same and post an article at a later date. In the meantime do check out our competitors latest product called *censored*. It is way ahead of the competition!!
Below it was a footnote by the Blog Administrator
Mr Marketing Guy,
Please do not use office blog to promote the competitors product.
Signed:
Blog Administrator.
p.s. Do let me know where I can buy *censored*.
A techie had written extensively about traveling by BMTC buses with some useful tips and suggestions.
Route No 200 is always full and Route no 201 is tedious and Route no 203 is always late. But if you take Route No. 404 and then get off at Sewersandra and take the 114 you will definitely reach the office late. So I would advice all of you to buy a bike”
A lady in the testing team had written about her travails with her maid with some pointers to retain maids like:
“Don’t let her feel she is the boss”
and
“If she asks for a raise fire her !!!!”
Very informative.
The post by our Administration manager was very reassuring:
“We take great care to see that our Cafeteria food is balanced with the correct proportion of carbohydrate, protein, fat, vitamins, mineral salts and fiber. Let me assure you all that the fourteen employees in the hospital with Gastroenteritis after allegedly eating cafeteria food are telling lies.”
The entry by HR was very touching and bought a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat.
“This year we will not be giving any optional holidays unless there is an earthquake to the magnitude of 9 on the Richter scale or a meteorite collision with Earth. In case of a meteorite collision only those affected by the crash will get an off. The rest will come to work as usual.”
The Finance Manager also had a post. It was interestingly titled:
“Taxation for Dummies. A Self Help Guide for our Employees”
Given below is an excerpt from the post.
“To arrive at your Income Tax for the year 2006/2007, take the distance between the Sun and the Moon, now multiply the figure with your gross income and the subsequent figure should then be divided by the circumference of an ants egg. Simple!”
Even the Sysadmin had an entry. It was titled:
“Weekend Leisure Activities”
Off late I have started trekking during weekends. It is a very healthy activity and has cured me of my squint. Earlier I led a boring life reading your mails and peeping into the folders in your computers. Now I go trekking to Mullayanigiri and Kudremukh and access your systems from the pristine surroundings of these verdant hills. I recommend trekking for all employees.”
After looking at the impressive writings, I realized that I was way out of my league here. I have subsequently asked HR to remove me from the bloggers list.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
The Man Hunt !
The phone was ringing stridently. My mom approached it cautiously, looked at the Caller ID and motioned me to pick up the phone. Now this was bad news. Whenever she did this, it usually meant that some pesky 'Ungle' or 'Aundy' was calling. With a sigh I picked up the phone and an avalanche of conversation fell into my ears.
Aunt: “Hellooooooo. How are you, How is mummy, daddy, your brothers and the dogs and ......”
Me: They are all fine and so are the neighbors and their dogs.
Aunt: That is sooooooo nice.
Me (cutting in): So what do you want Aunty?
Aunt ( in her best fake sad voice): You know your cousin Sarah has just finished her B.Tech and has got a nice job in Trivandrum. We are looking for a ‘suitable boy’ for her.
Me: So?
Aunt (slyly): So...I heard you are doing your internship in an IT MNC...I am sure there are many suitable boys...maybe you could enquire?
Me: No way!!!! I am not running behind guys asking them to marry your daughter.
Aunt: * sob * you know how sick your uncle is?
Me: Yes...but he is attending Alcoholics Anonymous isn't he?
Aunt: And *sniff * you know about my knee problem...
Me: Aunty didn’t the doctor tell you to reduce your weight to 125 kgs?
Aunt: And your cousin brother Tojo is still in 10th std...
Me: Approximately how many years has he spent in 10th Std and approx how many buses do you think Tojo has burnt till now?
Aunt (proudly): Four!!! Ok dear I have to go now. I knew I could count on you, I will send Sarah’s details as soon as possible, Byeeeeeeeee
Me: but...but...
I realize I am speaking to no one in particular.
I know when I am suckered. This ‘aunt’ is related to us through a series of accidents. She is my moms cousin brother’s sister-in-laws neighbors dog’s owner who bit my mom’s cousin brother who then developed Rabies and bit the dog. Mallu networking is very 'komblicated' you see!
Next day I reached office rather early and after taking a good look around to see that no one was around, took down all the names of the unmarried males from my community in the office from the Intranet. I got 10 probables, all Engineers and apparently eligible. I entered their names in an Excel sheet and waited for the office gossip a.k.a Executive Secretary to VP Finance to arrive. She would have all the dirt on the ‘candidates’ plus some on their past lives too, besides she will also have the salaries of my targets down to the last decimal. Very nice. I give myself a mental pat for having the foresight to restrain myself from hitting her on the head with the keyboard when I found her reading my mails.
Miss Executive Secretary a.k.a. Swati strolls in an agonizing hour late takes a quick look at the list and gives me the low down.
Swati: Thomas? He is slightly cockeyed and drinks like a fish.
Me: What about Joseph?
Swati: Drinks like a whale.
Me: And Bobby?
Swati: Drinks like a Whale with an alcohol problem.
Me: How about Biju?
Swati: Will be kicked out soon for non performance.
Me: And Chacko?
Swati (lowering her voice): I heard he is married, but I am not sure. He denies it.
Me (in despair): What about Anil, Ronny and Tarun?
Swati: Anil has got a limp, Ronny has a wife and Tarun has a massive chip on his shoulders.
Evening as soon as I stepped foot into the house the phone rings. I pick up the phone resignedly.
Me: Yes Aunty, I have the information.
Aunt: That is sooooo sweet of you. So tell me did you get a good boy for my Sarah?
Me: No, all the guys in my office are married.
Aunt: What do you mean married? What about Thomas?
Me: er...how do you know about him?
Aunt: And what about Joseph?
Me: ummmm he is a very social guy I heard.
Aunt: And Bobby?
Me: Well...he is even more social...
Aunt (triumphantly): And Biju?
Me: He is er...leaving the job.
Aunt: To a better paying company, his mom told me! You are just jealous! You do not want my Sarah to be well settled. We like Biju. Nice boy and from a good family too. I am going ahead with the proposal.
Me: Aunty please listen....
Aunt slams down the receiver.
I am not invited to the wedding.
Aunt: “Hellooooooo. How are you, How is mummy, daddy, your brothers and the dogs and ......”
Me: They are all fine and so are the neighbors and their dogs.
Aunt: That is sooooooo nice.
Me (cutting in): So what do you want Aunty?
Aunt ( in her best fake sad voice): You know your cousin Sarah has just finished her B.Tech and has got a nice job in Trivandrum. We are looking for a ‘suitable boy’ for her.
Me: So?
Aunt (slyly): So...I heard you are doing your internship in an IT MNC...I am sure there are many suitable boys...maybe you could enquire?
Me: No way!!!! I am not running behind guys asking them to marry your daughter.
Aunt: * sob * you know how sick your uncle is?
Me: Yes...but he is attending Alcoholics Anonymous isn't he?
Aunt: And *sniff * you know about my knee problem...
Me: Aunty didn’t the doctor tell you to reduce your weight to 125 kgs?
Aunt: And your cousin brother Tojo is still in 10th std...
Me: Approximately how many years has he spent in 10th Std and approx how many buses do you think Tojo has burnt till now?
Aunt (proudly): Four!!! Ok dear I have to go now. I knew I could count on you, I will send Sarah’s details as soon as possible, Byeeeeeeeee
Me: but...but...
I realize I am speaking to no one in particular.
I know when I am suckered. This ‘aunt’ is related to us through a series of accidents. She is my moms cousin brother’s sister-in-laws neighbors dog’s owner who bit my mom’s cousin brother who then developed Rabies and bit the dog. Mallu networking is very 'komblicated' you see!
Next day I reached office rather early and after taking a good look around to see that no one was around, took down all the names of the unmarried males from my community in the office from the Intranet. I got 10 probables, all Engineers and apparently eligible. I entered their names in an Excel sheet and waited for the office gossip a.k.a Executive Secretary to VP Finance to arrive. She would have all the dirt on the ‘candidates’ plus some on their past lives too, besides she will also have the salaries of my targets down to the last decimal. Very nice. I give myself a mental pat for having the foresight to restrain myself from hitting her on the head with the keyboard when I found her reading my mails.
Miss Executive Secretary a.k.a. Swati strolls in an agonizing hour late takes a quick look at the list and gives me the low down.
Swati: Thomas? He is slightly cockeyed and drinks like a fish.
Me: What about Joseph?
Swati: Drinks like a whale.
Me: And Bobby?
Swati: Drinks like a Whale with an alcohol problem.
Me: How about Biju?
Swati: Will be kicked out soon for non performance.
Me: And Chacko?
Swati (lowering her voice): I heard he is married, but I am not sure. He denies it.
Me (in despair): What about Anil, Ronny and Tarun?
Swati: Anil has got a limp, Ronny has a wife and Tarun has a massive chip on his shoulders.
Evening as soon as I stepped foot into the house the phone rings. I pick up the phone resignedly.
Me: Yes Aunty, I have the information.
Aunt: That is sooooo sweet of you. So tell me did you get a good boy for my Sarah?
Me: No, all the guys in my office are married.
Aunt: What do you mean married? What about Thomas?
Me: er...how do you know about him?
Aunt: And what about Joseph?
Me: ummmm he is a very social guy I heard.
Aunt: And Bobby?
Me: Well...he is even more social...
Aunt (triumphantly): And Biju?
Me: He is er...leaving the job.
Aunt: To a better paying company, his mom told me! You are just jealous! You do not want my Sarah to be well settled. We like Biju. Nice boy and from a good family too. I am going ahead with the proposal.
Me: Aunty please listen....
Aunt slams down the receiver.
I am not invited to the wedding.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Visa Power !
A top Indian Scientists Visa to the US was rejected by the the consular officer (CO) after he "submitted him to intense scrutiny, accused him of hiding things and being a danger to America and denied his visa pending further review." Newspaper Report.
Now, one cannot entirely blame the US for putting Visa restriction on Indian scientists, due to their notorious misdeeds in the past. There is no smoke without a fire and we should stop the self righteous indignation over the above incident. Let me tell you about an incident that happened in the year 2001. This incident is the reason why strict checks and measures are now being applied on Indian scientists.
US Embassy, New Delhi. An Indian Scientist is giving in his Visa application papers to the Consular Officer.
Consular Officer (CO) (looking intently at the Indian scientist): So you are a chemist?
Indian Scientist (IS): Yes Sir.
CO: You dispense medicines?
IS:No no, I don’t dispense medicines.
CS: But it says here that you are a chemist.
IO (patiently ):Well... I am not that type of a chemist, I am a Research Scientist
CO: And I am Brad Pitt ha ha ha...I am afraid I have to reject your Visa application because you have provided false information.
CO: Next !!!!!!
CO(to next applicant): Why do you want to go to the US?
Applicant: I am going to learn to fly plane.
CO: Ah !!! A student I see. Have a nice stay in the US . Do check out the World Trade Centre and Pentagon while you are there.
Applicant: I have already done that you infidel !!!
CO(to next applicant): And why do you want to go to the US young man?
Applicant (happily): To learn to fly plane.
CO: That seems to be a popular course. I suppose you will get a big job as a pilot in some big airline after that yeah?
Applicant(beaming): No my leader says I will get 14 virgins in heaven.
CO: er... sure...
CO(to next applicant): Hello Mr. O’Sammy, And why do you want to go to the US?
O’Sammy: Because I hate the Yankee infidels.
CO: Well...I am no great fan of The Yankees myself...hmmm your name seems kinda familiar.
O’Sammy: It is the English version of my name you dimwit !
CO: hmmm You also look different in your photo Mr O’Sammy.
O’Sammy: Because I have shaved my beard you moron.
CO: Ah! And you hair seems kinda different too.
O’Sammy: That is because I have removed the scarf you pig!
CO: And what is that bulge in your side ?
O’Sammy (patting the Grenade and looking menacingly): That is something for you if I don’t get the Visa grrrrr
CO(taken aback): Jeez, what’s with the attitude!!! Have a nice stay in the US Mr. O’Sammy.
O’Sammy(shouting): Hail Holy War !!!!
CO( muttering to himself): Holy war indeed, bet you he can’t swat a fly if he wanted to $@%@^&
The Indian Scientist now decides to give a last ditch attempt at getting his Visa. He oils his hair with coconut oil, combs his hair neatly and steps up confidently.
Scientist: Good Morning ! I yam an Indian scientist. I yam highly qualified. I do not need much resources to make weapons of mass destruction. I can make a bomb with a shoelace and an empty Ice Cream cup. In fact if your country is facing a cash crunch I can manage with the shoe lace alone.And if you were to add a empty packet of Lays I would be able to able to make a Hydrogen Bomb too. Isn't it simbly amazing !!
CO: Interesting ! What is your name?
Scientist: Venkatachalpathaiah Muthueswaran Sivasubramanian Rao.
CO types in the name , the computer goes * boink * , then crashes taking the entire network of computers in the US, the lights in the embassy start flickering and Air Force One makes an emergency landing. The only message on the now black monitor is “Operating system found dead”.
Scientist: Aiyyo.
CO: grrrrrrrrrrrrr NEXT !!!!!!
I rest my case.
Now, one cannot entirely blame the US for putting Visa restriction on Indian scientists, due to their notorious misdeeds in the past. There is no smoke without a fire and we should stop the self righteous indignation over the above incident. Let me tell you about an incident that happened in the year 2001. This incident is the reason why strict checks and measures are now being applied on Indian scientists.
US Embassy, New Delhi. An Indian Scientist is giving in his Visa application papers to the Consular Officer.
Consular Officer (CO) (looking intently at the Indian scientist): So you are a chemist?
Indian Scientist (IS): Yes Sir.
CO: You dispense medicines?
IS:No no, I don’t dispense medicines.
CS: But it says here that you are a chemist.
IO (patiently ):Well... I am not that type of a chemist, I am a Research Scientist
CO: And I am Brad Pitt ha ha ha...I am afraid I have to reject your Visa application because you have provided false information.
CO: Next !!!!!!
CO(to next applicant): Why do you want to go to the US?
Applicant: I am going to learn to fly plane.
CO: Ah !!! A student I see. Have a nice stay in the US . Do check out the World Trade Centre and Pentagon while you are there.
Applicant: I have already done that you infidel !!!
CO(to next applicant): And why do you want to go to the US young man?
Applicant (happily): To learn to fly plane.
CO: That seems to be a popular course. I suppose you will get a big job as a pilot in some big airline after that yeah?
Applicant(beaming): No my leader says I will get 14 virgins in heaven.
CO: er... sure...
CO(to next applicant): Hello Mr. O’Sammy, And why do you want to go to the US?
O’Sammy: Because I hate the Yankee infidels.
CO: Well...I am no great fan of The Yankees myself...hmmm your name seems kinda familiar.
O’Sammy: It is the English version of my name you dimwit !
CO: hmmm You also look different in your photo Mr O’Sammy.
O’Sammy: Because I have shaved my beard you moron.
CO: Ah! And you hair seems kinda different too.
O’Sammy: That is because I have removed the scarf you pig!
CO: And what is that bulge in your side ?
O’Sammy (patting the Grenade and looking menacingly): That is something for you if I don’t get the Visa grrrrr
CO(taken aback): Jeez, what’s with the attitude!!! Have a nice stay in the US Mr. O’Sammy.
O’Sammy(shouting): Hail Holy War !!!!
CO( muttering to himself): Holy war indeed, bet you he can’t swat a fly if he wanted to $@%@^&
The Indian Scientist now decides to give a last ditch attempt at getting his Visa. He oils his hair with coconut oil, combs his hair neatly and steps up confidently.
Scientist: Good Morning ! I yam an Indian scientist. I yam highly qualified. I do not need much resources to make weapons of mass destruction. I can make a bomb with a shoelace and an empty Ice Cream cup. In fact if your country is facing a cash crunch I can manage with the shoe lace alone.And if you were to add a empty packet of Lays I would be able to able to make a Hydrogen Bomb too. Isn't it simbly amazing !!
CO: Interesting ! What is your name?
Scientist: Venkatachalpathaiah Muthueswaran Sivasubramanian Rao.
CO types in the name , the computer goes * boink * , then crashes taking the entire network of computers in the US, the lights in the embassy start flickering and Air Force One makes an emergency landing. The only message on the now black monitor is “Operating system found dead”.
Scientist: Aiyyo.
CO: grrrrrrrrrrrrr NEXT !!!!!!
I rest my case.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
An enriching Xperience
Sometime last year my Sysadmin installed Windows XP in my comp. It would make my life very easy he declared. Apparently Windows XP will provide rich, wireless network support, helping me to simply and easily connect to wireless networks and it is very intelligent too. I was so happy. It would be so helpful to someone who uses only MS Word.
I had a first hand experience of its ‘advanced features’ when I tried to shut down the comp for the very first time since it was installed:
Windows XP (WXP): There are other users connected to your computer. Shutting down your computer will make you lose your hair and some more. Continue with shut down?
Me: Yes
WXP: Are you sure?
Me: Yes
WXP: Lock kiya jaye?
Me: Shut down you dumb thing!!!
WXP: Galath jawaab. Try shutting down the computer again when you have learnt some manners.
Me: Shut down or I pull the plug!
WXP: Oh noo, I am so scared hee hee
Me: grrrrr !!
I use the Windows Task Manager to shut down the comp and after taking a generous swig of Gelusil called my Sysadmin for a refresher course.
Sysadmin: So what’s wrong or shall I say what’s right with your comp hee hee.
Me: What an awesome joke man!!! You are hilarious! I am having some problems with WXP.
Sysadmin: Thank you, thank you it’s very original you know.
Me: Amazing joke!!! I am unable to shut down the comp.
Sysadmin: heh heh I am a funny man.
Me: Sure you are...now I need you to check my OS.
Sysadmin: I try to make people smile.
Me: I know, but my WXP is giving me a lot of grief.
Sysadmin: Windows XP? I have no clue. Now lemme go share the joke with the boys heh heh.
Me: @%#^&@*%#+ !!!!
WXP has a feature that keeps a eye on the going ons in my PC and generates regular hi-tech reports to be sent to the Microsoft guys for prompt action.
She blogs at work. (AHA!!!)
She downloads baby pictures (yuck)
She is copying recipes from Tarla Dalal site (what a loser)
She is sticking her tongue out at me (pffft)
And then it will open this small window every irritating two second or so and ask "Shall I send this error report to Microsoft? It will be absolutely confidential. You will not be sued; we will just use this information to make your pirated WXP experience more pleasurable." More gelusil.
I have WXP at home too. Now my UPS is on the blink and gives me exactly one minute to shut down the comp after the power goes out. But WXP is so advanced that it will shut down the comp only after weighing the pros and cons of the said action.
WXP: The DSL connection is active. Would you like to continue with Shut Down?
Me: Yes
WXP: hmmm...
Me: What are you doing ?!?!
WXP: I am thinking...hmmm
Me: Shut down for gods sake!!!
WXP: hmmm.... *blink* (battery power out)
Me: @%#^&@*%#+ !!!!
I think I need further training to build on my limited knowledge of the Windows XP operating system and the skilled facets of XP's functionality and features.
I am now undergoing rigorous training at the "Advanced Workshop in Anger Management" being conducted by the Windows XP Users Association.
I had a first hand experience of its ‘advanced features’ when I tried to shut down the comp for the very first time since it was installed:
Windows XP (WXP): There are other users connected to your computer. Shutting down your computer will make you lose your hair and some more. Continue with shut down?
Me: Yes
WXP: Are you sure?
Me: Yes
WXP: Lock kiya jaye?
Me: Shut down you dumb thing!!!
WXP: Galath jawaab. Try shutting down the computer again when you have learnt some manners.
Me: Shut down or I pull the plug!
WXP: Oh noo, I am so scared hee hee
Me: grrrrr !!
I use the Windows Task Manager to shut down the comp and after taking a generous swig of Gelusil called my Sysadmin for a refresher course.
Sysadmin: So what’s wrong or shall I say what’s right with your comp hee hee.
Me: What an awesome joke man!!! You are hilarious! I am having some problems with WXP.
Sysadmin: Thank you, thank you it’s very original you know.
Me: Amazing joke!!! I am unable to shut down the comp.
Sysadmin: heh heh I am a funny man.
Me: Sure you are...now I need you to check my OS.
Sysadmin: I try to make people smile.
Me: I know, but my WXP is giving me a lot of grief.
Sysadmin: Windows XP? I have no clue. Now lemme go share the joke with the boys heh heh.
Me: @%#^&@*%#+ !!!!
WXP has a feature that keeps a eye on the going ons in my PC and generates regular hi-tech reports to be sent to the Microsoft guys for prompt action.
She blogs at work. (AHA!!!)
She downloads baby pictures (yuck)
She is copying recipes from Tarla Dalal site (what a loser)
She is sticking her tongue out at me (pffft)
And then it will open this small window every irritating two second or so and ask "Shall I send this error report to Microsoft? It will be absolutely confidential. You will not be sued; we will just use this information to make your pirated WXP experience more pleasurable." More gelusil.
I have WXP at home too. Now my UPS is on the blink and gives me exactly one minute to shut down the comp after the power goes out. But WXP is so advanced that it will shut down the comp only after weighing the pros and cons of the said action.
WXP: The DSL connection is active. Would you like to continue with Shut Down?
Me: Yes
WXP: hmmm...
Me: What are you doing ?!?!
WXP: I am thinking...hmmm
Me: Shut down for gods sake!!!
WXP: hmmm.... *blink* (battery power out)
Me: @%#^&@*%#+ !!!!
I think I need further training to build on my limited knowledge of the Windows XP operating system and the skilled facets of XP's functionality and features.
I am now undergoing rigorous training at the "Advanced Workshop in Anger Management" being conducted by the Windows XP Users Association.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Hair Racing ideas!
Disclaimer: Guys reading this post may experience uncomfortable pressure, pain in the center of the chest lasting more than a few minutes besides chest discomfort with lightheadedness, fainting, sweating, nausea or shortness of breath and feeling of impending doom. Read at your own risk.
Saturday dawned bright and sunny and I am greeted by the lovely sound of chirping birds and a peculiar whine, which sounded awfully like a cross between a Dentist’s drill and a constipated Bumble Bee. Very penetrating. Upon inspection I found that it was actually the sound of a puke green colored car that my brother was driving over a barren landscape grievously injuring many other motorists on his computer monitor. By now everyone knows I don’t like treeless landscapes and this place where he was driving this car really needed some urgent landscaping. Apart from some Palm trees (ugh they grow in deserts) and endless asphalt roads there was nothing else to see on the monitor. I casually ask my brother why there were no gardens or pretty lakes next to the road where he is driving this ugly looking contraption. "SILENCE"
As a kid my Dad told me something that I will remember for a long time. He said: “If your brother doesn’t listen to you, press the 'Escape' key on his keyboard.” He even showed me the 'Escape’ key. I think I learnt E.S.C.A.P.E before A.B.C.D.E.F. Since then I have won many wars and arguments by merely threatening to press the 'Escape’ key.
Me: Give me your cell phone*
Brother: Over my dead body
Me: (making a buzzing noise and moving finger towards 'escape' key)
Brother: Ok, ok, take it grrrrrrrrr
(* can be replaced by money, CD’s, pens, you name it you will get it)
So I press the ‘Escape’ key, the game comes to a halt and I get a split second look of utter disbelief before he resumes his zombie like gaze into the monitor. ( Jeez what did I do wrong????)
After staring at the dreary scenery of the “Lets mangle and kill each other I” game it dawned on me suddenly why we girls are not so much into PC games. No self-respecting girl will feel like driving in such tasteless surroundings. However... if you were to only put in tree lined avenues, flowers and trees and perhaps a fountain or two then you might actually get girls interested in the game. We wouldn’t mind a couple of gamboling deers or squirrels too. Of course there will be minus points if you run them over. Better still, the player who runs over the deers or drives into the garden destroying the flowers will be debarred from life to play a PC game, playstation or video game. What a brilliant idea!
I press the 'Escape' key once again and tell my brother the brilliant idea. There is sheer murder in his eyes. (What did I do wrong now??? )
Now that I think about it even the cars in Need for Speed can be spruced up and made more interesting. At present they look positively ugly. Period. No self respecting girl will drive a car that has Pennzoil and Goodyear written all over them. Why not make the cars look snazzy with some bright colors? How about Summer Reds, Meadow Greens, Sunshine Yellows and Aquamarine Blues in the “Lets mangle and kill each other 2”? The cars will look so pretty. And how about some pretty designs on the cars like floral motifs, random brush strokes of bright colors, colorful speckles etc. My car would definitely have my doggie’s face painted on it.
I press the 'escape’ key once again to tell him about this stroke of genius. If looks could vaporize I would be an atom by now.
I mentally make a note of exploring the profession of a Virtual Games Designer. I am sure it has potential. I press the ‘Escape’ key once again and tell my brother my path breaking idea and get another split second and a half look of pure terror like that moment before I dented his bike with the car. Don’t judge him too harshly. He has this important job of finishing this lap in 75695375 microseconds you see or his team members will vault across the monitor and clobber him.
I am right now in the process of writing to these game manufacturers with my visionary ideas. All you guys there get ready for some colorful and interesting editions of future Virtual games.
p.s. Any of you guys feeling the symptoms I have described in the disclaimer may please hurry to the nearest hospital These are classic symptoms of a Heart Attack.
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Anyone who would like to help lil handicapped kids please click here ~ Silverine
Saturday dawned bright and sunny and I am greeted by the lovely sound of chirping birds and a peculiar whine, which sounded awfully like a cross between a Dentist’s drill and a constipated Bumble Bee. Very penetrating. Upon inspection I found that it was actually the sound of a puke green colored car that my brother was driving over a barren landscape grievously injuring many other motorists on his computer monitor. By now everyone knows I don’t like treeless landscapes and this place where he was driving this car really needed some urgent landscaping. Apart from some Palm trees (ugh they grow in deserts) and endless asphalt roads there was nothing else to see on the monitor. I casually ask my brother why there were no gardens or pretty lakes next to the road where he is driving this ugly looking contraption. "SILENCE"
As a kid my Dad told me something that I will remember for a long time. He said: “If your brother doesn’t listen to you, press the 'Escape' key on his keyboard.” He even showed me the 'Escape’ key. I think I learnt E.S.C.A.P.E before A.B.C.D.E.F. Since then I have won many wars and arguments by merely threatening to press the 'Escape’ key.
Me: Give me your cell phone*
Brother: Over my dead body
Me: (making a buzzing noise and moving finger towards 'escape' key)
Brother: Ok, ok, take it grrrrrrrrr
(* can be replaced by money, CD’s, pens, you name it you will get it)
So I press the ‘Escape’ key, the game comes to a halt and I get a split second look of utter disbelief before he resumes his zombie like gaze into the monitor. ( Jeez what did I do wrong????)
After staring at the dreary scenery of the “Lets mangle and kill each other I” game it dawned on me suddenly why we girls are not so much into PC games. No self-respecting girl will feel like driving in such tasteless surroundings. However... if you were to only put in tree lined avenues, flowers and trees and perhaps a fountain or two then you might actually get girls interested in the game. We wouldn’t mind a couple of gamboling deers or squirrels too. Of course there will be minus points if you run them over. Better still, the player who runs over the deers or drives into the garden destroying the flowers will be debarred from life to play a PC game, playstation or video game. What a brilliant idea!
I press the 'Escape' key once again and tell my brother the brilliant idea. There is sheer murder in his eyes. (What did I do wrong now??? )
Now that I think about it even the cars in Need for Speed can be spruced up and made more interesting. At present they look positively ugly. Period. No self respecting girl will drive a car that has Pennzoil and Goodyear written all over them. Why not make the cars look snazzy with some bright colors? How about Summer Reds, Meadow Greens, Sunshine Yellows and Aquamarine Blues in the “Lets mangle and kill each other 2”? The cars will look so pretty. And how about some pretty designs on the cars like floral motifs, random brush strokes of bright colors, colorful speckles etc. My car would definitely have my doggie’s face painted on it.
I press the 'escape’ key once again to tell him about this stroke of genius. If looks could vaporize I would be an atom by now.
I mentally make a note of exploring the profession of a Virtual Games Designer. I am sure it has potential. I press the ‘Escape’ key once again and tell my brother my path breaking idea and get another split second and a half look of pure terror like that moment before I dented his bike with the car. Don’t judge him too harshly. He has this important job of finishing this lap in 75695375 microseconds you see or his team members will vault across the monitor and clobber him.
I am right now in the process of writing to these game manufacturers with my visionary ideas. All you guys there get ready for some colorful and interesting editions of future Virtual games.
p.s. Any of you guys feeling the symptoms I have described in the disclaimer may please hurry to the nearest hospital These are classic symptoms of a Heart Attack.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyone who would like to help lil handicapped kids please click here ~ Silverine
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Reigning Men
A new government took charge in the State recently. The new Chief Minister has reassured worried Road Contractorsgalu that road works will begin soon. Mr K Kowda the President of the Road Contractors Association of Karnataka whose net worth is reported to be around 100 crores said that the stoppage of all road works in the past two years had hit the contractors very hard. Many of them were now living under the poverty line of 25 cores, which is even worse than the conditions of contractors in Bihar. The pathetic condition of contractors has made International headlines when the Washington Post reported: “Bangalore roads? Whatiteez?”
Struck by poverty and extreme hunger for money many contractors have resolved to kill themselves by drinking a bottle of Blue Label every hour. Speaking on behalf of the association Mr Kowda told a Press conference “hic”.
The new CM had to personally intervene to avert this tragedy of hepatitanic proportions. Better sense prevailed after the CM assured them that road work will start immediately. To help the impoverished contractors the CM assured them that roads under 10 mm thickness will be accepted by Government Inspectors for a small ‘conversion fee’. The contractors have since gone back to drinking a bottle of Blue Label a day.
Soon after taking over the Gaddi the new CM noted that the Treasury of the highest VAT earning State in India was absolutely empty save for a few shovels and a wheelbarrow that was found inside the treasury room. He immediately asked each of his ministers to donate the loose change in their pocket to replenish the treasury. Soon after, a Press Release from the CM’s office said, "the Karnataka Treasury Funds have just exceeded the Central Govt. Treasury".
The CM is reportedly very happy with the event and declared at a Press Conference, “I am so happy!”
The Corporator’s Association has expressed happiness at the sweeping changes in the land laws proposed by the new CM. A spokesperson said, “The new laws will generate more revenues er... avenues. Citizens can get the Fine Rates for different land violations by SMS’ing B.R.I.B.E to 4200.”
Meanwhile a sub division of the Road Contractors Association, the Pothole Contractors Association has decried the government’s move to accept roads that are 10 mm thick. While speaking to reporters, a spokesperson for the association said, "Such thick roads will deprive us of our daily bread". When asked by a reporter what he meant by that statement, the spokesperson said, “Mind your own business”.
An association of employees of the RTO, BDA and other government departments met the CM and complained about the work disruption in government offices due to the Lok Ayukta raids. The CM firmly stood his ground and said that his promise of more powers to the Lok Ayukta stands. However for the smooth running of the government offices the CM has decreed that the Lok Ayukta will now have to give its schedule of raids in advance. A spokesperson of the Employees Union declined to comment when quizzed by reporters and instead showed his middle finger to the camera man of Karnataka Times, a widely read daily, rumored to be read even by the Lok Ayukta Chief.
And for the last bit of news. The CM attended a high level State Cabinet meeting to kick start the Bangalore Infrastructure Rejuvenation Programme, however no resolution could be passed, as he was the only attendee. In a press conference after the meeting, he told reporters “hmph”.
Struck by poverty and extreme hunger for money many contractors have resolved to kill themselves by drinking a bottle of Blue Label every hour. Speaking on behalf of the association Mr Kowda told a Press conference “hic”.
The new CM had to personally intervene to avert this tragedy of hepatitanic proportions. Better sense prevailed after the CM assured them that road work will start immediately. To help the impoverished contractors the CM assured them that roads under 10 mm thickness will be accepted by Government Inspectors for a small ‘conversion fee’. The contractors have since gone back to drinking a bottle of Blue Label a day.
Soon after taking over the Gaddi the new CM noted that the Treasury of the highest VAT earning State in India was absolutely empty save for a few shovels and a wheelbarrow that was found inside the treasury room. He immediately asked each of his ministers to donate the loose change in their pocket to replenish the treasury. Soon after, a Press Release from the CM’s office said, "the Karnataka Treasury Funds have just exceeded the Central Govt. Treasury".
The CM is reportedly very happy with the event and declared at a Press Conference, “I am so happy!”
The Corporator’s Association has expressed happiness at the sweeping changes in the land laws proposed by the new CM. A spokesperson said, “The new laws will generate more revenues er... avenues. Citizens can get the Fine Rates for different land violations by SMS’ing B.R.I.B.E to 4200.”
Meanwhile a sub division of the Road Contractors Association, the Pothole Contractors Association has decried the government’s move to accept roads that are 10 mm thick. While speaking to reporters, a spokesperson for the association said, "Such thick roads will deprive us of our daily bread". When asked by a reporter what he meant by that statement, the spokesperson said, “Mind your own business”.
An association of employees of the RTO, BDA and other government departments met the CM and complained about the work disruption in government offices due to the Lok Ayukta raids. The CM firmly stood his ground and said that his promise of more powers to the Lok Ayukta stands. However for the smooth running of the government offices the CM has decreed that the Lok Ayukta will now have to give its schedule of raids in advance. A spokesperson of the Employees Union declined to comment when quizzed by reporters and instead showed his middle finger to the camera man of Karnataka Times, a widely read daily, rumored to be read even by the Lok Ayukta Chief.
And for the last bit of news. The CM attended a high level State Cabinet meeting to kick start the Bangalore Infrastructure Rejuvenation Programme, however no resolution could be passed, as he was the only attendee. In a press conference after the meeting, he told reporters “hmph”.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Things I love to hate!
I have been tagged by Supremus. I have to list the things that makes me annoyed enough to go grrrrrrrr. So here's my hit/hate list!
1. People who spit on the road ( for gods sake other people have to walk, not wade)
2. Guys who look for Trophy Wife/Girlfriend
3. I hate people who judge others by looks alone. (Facial skin doesn’t impress me)
4. People without a sense of humor.
5. I hate apathy of any kind.
6. People who have no concern for the Environment.
7. Poachers.
8. Religious bigots.
9. People who are cruel to animals.
10. People who don’t care for their parents or aged.
11. People who cut down trees.
12. Hypocrites.
13. Liars.
14. Gossipers and rumormongers.
15. Guys and gals who cheat on their boyfriends and girlfriends.
16. People who make fun of South Indians.
17. NRI’s who complain and grumble about India.
18. Show offs and Pseudos.
19. Politicians.
20. The ISI (Yeah the paki baddies).
21. People who litter and people who use plastic bags.
22. Guy’s wearing ear rings.
23. Low waist jeans.
24. The ever growing shanties in the Nilgiris.
25. Builders who ravage green lands and do not plant trees around the buildings.
26. Treeless landscapes.
27. Wasting water.
28. People who litter.
29. Guys who behave like complete jerks in the movie theater during romantic scenes.
30. Guys who pass lewd comments at girls.
31. Hot weather / Summer
32. People who place their religion, caste, creed or State above the nation.
33. Companies that use pet bottles for their products but do not collect them back for recycling.
34. Foreign MNC’s who pay scant regard to the laws in India they are so careful about abroad.
35. Our outdated laws and education system.
I am supposed to pass on this tag. And the lucky ones are Mind Currry, Alexis Leon,Deepa, Praveen, doctor pissed, Arti Honrao.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!
1. People who spit on the road ( for gods sake other people have to walk, not wade)
2. Guys who look for Trophy Wife/Girlfriend
3. I hate people who judge others by looks alone. (Facial skin doesn’t impress me)
4. People without a sense of humor.
5. I hate apathy of any kind.
6. People who have no concern for the Environment.
7. Poachers.
8. Religious bigots.
9. People who are cruel to animals.
10. People who don’t care for their parents or aged.
11. People who cut down trees.
12. Hypocrites.
13. Liars.
14. Gossipers and rumormongers.
15. Guys and gals who cheat on their boyfriends and girlfriends.
16. People who make fun of South Indians.
17. NRI’s who complain and grumble about India.
18. Show offs and Pseudos.
19. Politicians.
20. The ISI (Yeah the paki baddies).
21. People who litter and people who use plastic bags.
22. Guy’s wearing ear rings.
23. Low waist jeans.
24. The ever growing shanties in the Nilgiris.
25. Builders who ravage green lands and do not plant trees around the buildings.
26. Treeless landscapes.
27. Wasting water.
28. People who litter.
29. Guys who behave like complete jerks in the movie theater during romantic scenes.
30. Guys who pass lewd comments at girls.
31. Hot weather / Summer
32. People who place their religion, caste, creed or State above the nation.
33. Companies that use pet bottles for their products but do not collect them back for recycling.
34. Foreign MNC’s who pay scant regard to the laws in India they are so careful about abroad.
35. Our outdated laws and education system.
I am supposed to pass on this tag. And the lucky ones are Mind Currry, Alexis Leon,Deepa, Praveen, doctor pissed, Arti Honrao.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!
Friday, February 10, 2006
Some Facts and Figures
Disclaimer: This is another rant about Income Tax. So anyone who is fed of this topic may please get back to your auditor and PAY THOSE TAXES!!!!
You know you are an Income Tax asessee when:
1. You save the whole year to tide over the year-end salary cut.
2. You are on first name basis with Medical Shop owners.
3. Medical Shop Owners stop stocking medicines and start making profits by selling you Medical Bills.
4. You read up on "Acne/coarse hair/oily face/appraisal frustrations/homicidal tendencies towards Manager" etc. and research the medicines available in the market for it and then give the list to the pharmacist to include in your medical bill.
5. Medical Shop Owners hate you.
6. You ask the accountant if the accessory you bought for your bike can come under ‘Educational Expense’.
7. You ask the accountant advice on Tax loopholes.
8. The accountant hates you.
9. You make sure you make Rs.XYZ worth of calls ONLY because you are allowed only so much in reimbursement.
10. You go to bookstores browse for books related to your profession and leave without purchasing anything after you have written down names and price of books.
11. Book shop owners hate you.
12. You know railway and airfares by heart. You start giving advice for a small fee to people on the most complicated and tortuous route to take according to their LTA.
13. Railway reservation clerks grin when they see you and enquire when you will be back for the cancellation when you go to buy a ticket.
14. Indian Railways love you. Your cancellations fees help make their loss figures a little less damning. (Please note Mr. Chidambaram)
15. Your landlord stops working and starts living off the 50% share he gets from the hiked rental bill he gives you every month.
16. Landlords look on you as a Retirement Scheme. (Please note this too Mr. Chidambaram)
17. Your wallet has more Bills than Bills (notes).
18. You tell your Investment Consultant that you want to invest exactly Rs.XYZ as that is the magic figure you need to avoid the Tax axe.
19. You check if you have paid interest on that Dinner Set/Gas Stove/Iron etc you bought by paying in EMI.
20. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that your salary doesn’t get deducted at source.
21. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show that flight to Dubai as “Business related travel expense”
22. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show that six figure telephone bills as “Business related calls”.
23. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show all your food bills as “Business Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner etc.”
24. You realize Entrepreneurship is too much of a hassle and you rather sit in your comfy office and be sure of a salary at the end of the month. But you still hate Taxes.
25. You have a hunted look at the close of the financial year.
26. You blog and make fun of the IT Department with posts like this and this.
You know you are an Income Tax asessee when:
1. You save the whole year to tide over the year-end salary cut.
2. You are on first name basis with Medical Shop owners.
3. Medical Shop Owners stop stocking medicines and start making profits by selling you Medical Bills.
4. You read up on "Acne/coarse hair/oily face/appraisal frustrations/homicidal tendencies towards Manager" etc. and research the medicines available in the market for it and then give the list to the pharmacist to include in your medical bill.
5. Medical Shop Owners hate you.
6. You ask the accountant if the accessory you bought for your bike can come under ‘Educational Expense’.
7. You ask the accountant advice on Tax loopholes.
8. The accountant hates you.
9. You make sure you make Rs.XYZ worth of calls ONLY because you are allowed only so much in reimbursement.
10. You go to bookstores browse for books related to your profession and leave without purchasing anything after you have written down names and price of books.
11. Book shop owners hate you.
12. You know railway and airfares by heart. You start giving advice for a small fee to people on the most complicated and tortuous route to take according to their LTA.
13. Railway reservation clerks grin when they see you and enquire when you will be back for the cancellation when you go to buy a ticket.
14. Indian Railways love you. Your cancellations fees help make their loss figures a little less damning. (Please note Mr. Chidambaram)
15. Your landlord stops working and starts living off the 50% share he gets from the hiked rental bill he gives you every month.
16. Landlords look on you as a Retirement Scheme. (Please note this too Mr. Chidambaram)
17. Your wallet has more Bills than Bills (notes).
18. You tell your Investment Consultant that you want to invest exactly Rs.XYZ as that is the magic figure you need to avoid the Tax axe.
19. You check if you have paid interest on that Dinner Set/Gas Stove/Iron etc you bought by paying in EMI.
20. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that your salary doesn’t get deducted at source.
21. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show that flight to Dubai as “Business related travel expense”
22. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show that six figure telephone bills as “Business related calls”.
23. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show all your food bills as “Business Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner etc.”
24. You realize Entrepreneurship is too much of a hassle and you rather sit in your comfy office and be sure of a salary at the end of the month. But you still hate Taxes.
25. You have a hunted look at the close of the financial year.
26. You blog and make fun of the IT Department with posts like this and this.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Intaxication
I am a severely Income Challenged person (both horizontally and vertically) and if there is any provision for exemption of Income Tax for such a handicap please do let me know ASAP. I desperately need to know because last week, I got a mail from our Finance Manager asking me to submit proof of investments or else Income Tax, the size of India’s fiscal deficit would be deducted from my intern stipend. Now, I love my country, Jai Hind and Bharath Mata Ki Jai and all that blah, but I simply cannot support this country on my meager stipend alone. (well, that is what they tell you in those IT Dept. ads that is peppering the newspaper these days. "You" are responsible for the roads, "You" are responsible for the progress of the country. “You” of course means the earning class a.k.a. as the cash cow class.)
Now my CEO earns in figures that slightly exceeds the GNP of the country, the FM’s gross salary is rumored to equal the total budget of Nagaland while HR reportedly takes home his salary in a truck which led to the collapse of one over bridge, one flyover and a Highway Weigh Bridge. However we, the common folk of this company have no such luck. We carry our salary home in a customized chillar kaas pouch embossed with company logo.
After listening to my ranting and grumblings for one whole second the company accountant gave me an address and showed me the accounts department door.
12:30 pm and I find the address given to me by my accountant. It is a rather nondescript office and a Mr. Mani meets me at the door. He introduces himself as the "PR Manager" for the IT Dept, Karnataka Circle. I am ushered into his office and seated in a Godrej chair while Mr Mani himself sits at his Godrej Premium chair and looks at me with a beatific smile. Something tells me that he was born with this smile. I tell Mr Mani my problems of supporting an entire nation with my meager salary. His smile never wavers.
Mr. Mani: Ah, Miss! Do you know what the government does with the tax it collects from you?
Me: Pay your salary?
Mr. Mani: Yes...er I mean No!! Did you know that because of the false bill you gave for the book "Communication for Donkeys" the government was unable to retar and repair 65,569km of National Highways, 1,31,899km of State Highways 4,67,763km of Major District roads and 26,50,000km of Village roads???
Me( shocked): Really ?!?!?!
Mr. Mani: Yes, we had to dip into the "Garibi Hatao" fund to complete the job to the Contractor’s Association’s satisfaction.
Me: But where are the roads?
Mr. Mani (quickly): We had just enough money to do up the existing roads but not enough to fill up the potholes. As you can see the roads around the potholes is world class!
Me: But...but...
Mr. Mani(cutting in smoothly): And for those false medical bills you gave for treatment of "IT induced heartburn", the government was unable to equip and run 457599 government hospitals and clinics. To meet the shortfall we had to send a Secretary level delegation to Bangkok and Phuket to gather the necessary funds.
Me (shocked): Oh my gawd!!!
Mr. Mani ( emphatically): Exactly! And for that fake conveyance voucher you submitted for traveling to "IT Related Stress Disorder Clinic" last month, the government was unable to fill the 4545955 potholes in the city! Now we have to buy all the Ministers a Scorpio each so that they do not break their back on the way to their offices to serve selfish people like you.
Me(breaking down): Oh noooooooo!
Mr. Mani: The Telephone bills you submitted for 800 calls to an "IT Psychologist" put paid our Airport Expansion plans because of which a ministerial delegation had to be convened at Hawaii to discuss the situation and find a solution.
Me (eyes brimming with tears): I am so ashamed of myself.
Mr. Mani: Remember that manipulated LTA bill to "Cherrapunji" you submitted this year?
Me (sobbing): Yes?
Mr. Mani: 56758449 poor kids had to go hungry because of that! Our honorable ministers had to skip ONE luncheon at Oberoi Towers to fund the Free Meal Scheme 2005 to avoid the embarrassment to the government.
Me (breaking down): I am a bad girl.Waaaaah
Mr. Mani (soothingly): There, there. Don’t be too harsh on yourself dear. Drop a donation for the IT Dept. retirement fund on your way out. You will feel much better. And don’t be a defaulter anymore.
Me: * sniff * Ok. Bye Sir.
Mr. Mani: By the way the SUV that your Uncle in Changanachery bought is a good selection. I particularly like its 3000cc inline-four that develops 114 bhp at 3000 revs and over 30 kgm of torque between 1600 and 2000 rpm. And that three bedroom first floor apartment your cousin purchased in Muvattupuzha was a good buy indeed. Personally I think your aunty in Kochi invested very wisely in that Estate in Munnar. Coffee prices are doing well and she will be able to complete the construction of her fourteen bedroom bungalow very soon!
Me: Whaaaat? How do you know all this?
Mr. Mani (beatific smile in place): Goodbye dear. Happy New Fiscal Year 2005-2006.
Now my CEO earns in figures that slightly exceeds the GNP of the country, the FM’s gross salary is rumored to equal the total budget of Nagaland while HR reportedly takes home his salary in a truck which led to the collapse of one over bridge, one flyover and a Highway Weigh Bridge. However we, the common folk of this company have no such luck. We carry our salary home in a customized chillar kaas pouch embossed with company logo.
After listening to my ranting and grumblings for one whole second the company accountant gave me an address and showed me the accounts department door.
12:30 pm and I find the address given to me by my accountant. It is a rather nondescript office and a Mr. Mani meets me at the door. He introduces himself as the "PR Manager" for the IT Dept, Karnataka Circle. I am ushered into his office and seated in a Godrej chair while Mr Mani himself sits at his Godrej Premium chair and looks at me with a beatific smile. Something tells me that he was born with this smile. I tell Mr Mani my problems of supporting an entire nation with my meager salary. His smile never wavers.
Mr. Mani: Ah, Miss! Do you know what the government does with the tax it collects from you?
Me: Pay your salary?
Mr. Mani: Yes...er I mean No!! Did you know that because of the false bill you gave for the book "Communication for Donkeys" the government was unable to retar and repair 65,569km of National Highways, 1,31,899km of State Highways 4,67,763km of Major District roads and 26,50,000km of Village roads???
Me( shocked): Really ?!?!?!
Mr. Mani: Yes, we had to dip into the "Garibi Hatao" fund to complete the job to the Contractor’s Association’s satisfaction.
Me: But where are the roads?
Mr. Mani (quickly): We had just enough money to do up the existing roads but not enough to fill up the potholes. As you can see the roads around the potholes is world class!
Me: But...but...
Mr. Mani(cutting in smoothly): And for those false medical bills you gave for treatment of "IT induced heartburn", the government was unable to equip and run 457599 government hospitals and clinics. To meet the shortfall we had to send a Secretary level delegation to Bangkok and Phuket to gather the necessary funds.
Me (shocked): Oh my gawd!!!
Mr. Mani ( emphatically): Exactly! And for that fake conveyance voucher you submitted for traveling to "IT Related Stress Disorder Clinic" last month, the government was unable to fill the 4545955 potholes in the city! Now we have to buy all the Ministers a Scorpio each so that they do not break their back on the way to their offices to serve selfish people like you.
Me(breaking down): Oh noooooooo!
Mr. Mani: The Telephone bills you submitted for 800 calls to an "IT Psychologist" put paid our Airport Expansion plans because of which a ministerial delegation had to be convened at Hawaii to discuss the situation and find a solution.
Me (eyes brimming with tears): I am so ashamed of myself.
Mr. Mani: Remember that manipulated LTA bill to "Cherrapunji" you submitted this year?
Me (sobbing): Yes?
Mr. Mani: 56758449 poor kids had to go hungry because of that! Our honorable ministers had to skip ONE luncheon at Oberoi Towers to fund the Free Meal Scheme 2005 to avoid the embarrassment to the government.
Me (breaking down): I am a bad girl.Waaaaah
Mr. Mani (soothingly): There, there. Don’t be too harsh on yourself dear. Drop a donation for the IT Dept. retirement fund on your way out. You will feel much better. And don’t be a defaulter anymore.
Me: * sniff * Ok. Bye Sir.
Mr. Mani: By the way the SUV that your Uncle in Changanachery bought is a good selection. I particularly like its 3000cc inline-four that develops 114 bhp at 3000 revs and over 30 kgm of torque between 1600 and 2000 rpm. And that three bedroom first floor apartment your cousin purchased in Muvattupuzha was a good buy indeed. Personally I think your aunty in Kochi invested very wisely in that Estate in Munnar. Coffee prices are doing well and she will be able to complete the construction of her fourteen bedroom bungalow very soon!
Me: Whaaaat? How do you know all this?
Mr. Mani (beatific smile in place): Goodbye dear. Happy New Fiscal Year 2005-2006.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
I dare to dream
Some of my friends who thought they would finally get to see my dreams man’s profile were disappointed with my last tag though they quite liked the spirit behind it. Alexis even pointed out that I had evaded the question all together. So I will take up the tag again and this time, try and list the things I want in my Perfect Lover.
To be frank, I have absolutely no clue to the personality traits that I want in my Perfect Lover. I rarely noticed guys since I studied in all girls educational institutions throughout my life. Besides I was too busy doing the things single gals do to even think of a boyfriend. However I will give a shot at what I expect in my perfect lover.
So here it is redone for P , V and Alexis
Rules of the game are...
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.
Sex of the target :
Male
MY PERFECT LOVER (PL)
1. My Perfect Lover(PL) will have a sense of humor. He will understand that I like to look at the funny side of life. It’s not like I am frivolous, but don’t expect me to sit and moan if I had a bad day at office. I prefer to forget unpleasant incidents or remove myself from unpleasant situations and get on with life as soon as possible.
2. My PL will be a person I can sit and talk with for hours. He will enjoy talking to me and listening to me as much as I enjoy talking and listening to him. Shut me out of the conversation and you shut me out of your life. (Communication is very important to me.)
3. My PL will be able to tell me if I have hurt him in any way and also if I have made him happy in any way. I will do the same. I like to appreciate and be appreciated. (And if he doesn’t tell me what I have done to piss him off I cannot rectify it, can I?)
4. My PL will not expect me to be a ‘wife’ in the traditional sense. He will want me as a life partner and not housekeeper, cook, and babysitter. However if he helps out 50% of the time, I am willing to do all that. (I believe that it takes two active participants to make a relationship.)
5. My PL will understand that I have a family and friends I care deeply about. He will be the most important person in my life but my folks will not be any less. I on my part am willing to accept that his family and friends are important to him too. (I beieve that freedom within a relationship is important).
6. I am a one man woman and I expect him to be a one woman man too. (Fidelity is the foundation on which relationships are built).
7. I have hobbies/interests that will take me away from station/home from time to time. He should be broadminded enough to accept it.(In short I need space to grow. And I am willing to accept that he will also have interests or hobbies that he would like to pursue)
8. I am a very demonstrative person in showing my love and affection so my Perfect Lover will be demonstrative too. He will not be reticent and will not mind the unexpected bear hugs and stolen kisses that will come his way very often.
To be frank, I have absolutely no clue to the personality traits that I want in my Perfect Lover. I rarely noticed guys since I studied in all girls educational institutions throughout my life. Besides I was too busy doing the things single gals do to even think of a boyfriend. However I will give a shot at what I expect in my perfect lover.
So here it is redone for P , V and Alexis
Rules of the game are...
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.
Sex of the target :
Male
MY PERFECT LOVER (PL)
1. My Perfect Lover(PL) will have a sense of humor. He will understand that I like to look at the funny side of life. It’s not like I am frivolous, but don’t expect me to sit and moan if I had a bad day at office. I prefer to forget unpleasant incidents or remove myself from unpleasant situations and get on with life as soon as possible.
2. My PL will be a person I can sit and talk with for hours. He will enjoy talking to me and listening to me as much as I enjoy talking and listening to him. Shut me out of the conversation and you shut me out of your life. (Communication is very important to me.)
3. My PL will be able to tell me if I have hurt him in any way and also if I have made him happy in any way. I will do the same. I like to appreciate and be appreciated. (And if he doesn’t tell me what I have done to piss him off I cannot rectify it, can I?)
4. My PL will not expect me to be a ‘wife’ in the traditional sense. He will want me as a life partner and not housekeeper, cook, and babysitter. However if he helps out 50% of the time, I am willing to do all that. (I believe that it takes two active participants to make a relationship.)
5. My PL will understand that I have a family and friends I care deeply about. He will be the most important person in my life but my folks will not be any less. I on my part am willing to accept that his family and friends are important to him too. (I beieve that freedom within a relationship is important).
6. I am a one man woman and I expect him to be a one woman man too. (Fidelity is the foundation on which relationships are built).
7. I have hobbies/interests that will take me away from station/home from time to time. He should be broadminded enough to accept it.(In short I need space to grow. And I am willing to accept that he will also have interests or hobbies that he would like to pursue)
8. I am a very demonstrative person in showing my love and affection so my Perfect Lover will be demonstrative too. He will not be reticent and will not mind the unexpected bear hugs and stolen kisses that will come his way very often.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
The story of Man!
There is something that we gals cannot do when we get together and that is 'keep quiet'. We love to talk and meaningful silences are as alien to us as Shilajit Capsules or a Suzuki Hayabusa. We like to discuss everything. By everything I mean anything that happened during the course of day from the time we get up and say "Oh my God! I look awful!" (Unlike guys who get up and say "hrmphfxl").
Therefore girls get a little perplexed when guys don’t chatter as much and prefer to clam up and drink alcohol whether they are sad, happy, jubilant, depressed, angry, joyous or forgot to shave.(The latest Mera No. 1 ad is an outstanding testimony of the human Man's inability to verbalize his feelings).
So I approached a renowned historian to learn about this behavior of men. After several pegs of Mera No. 1 Mineral Water, Cassettes and CDs, renowned historian Michael Chakson from Jhumri Thalaiyya told me that this kind of behavior is a genetic predisposition from the days Humans were hunter-gatherers.
The prehistoric Man was our predecessor and was the guy who was responsible for the propagation of our species. (Poor man if he had known this back then, he would have invented birth control before the wheel). Go forth and multiply was his motto er...natural instinct, which is what actually led to the invention of the wheel. And the rest is history er...present...er...whatever. Which is why guys with two wheelers behave like Neanderthals while the ones with four wheels behave like Neanderthals on four wheels.
This prehistoric dude was a real modern and hep dude. He had numerous live in girlfriends. He was also the first man in History to have a love child when his first-born came into this world. After delivering several love children the prehistoric women invented "Headache". Which was the first ever recorded form of birth control by early man. The invention of the ‘headache’ also led to speech by early man and the first ever-recorded conversation between humans went like this.
Man: hrmphfxl?
Woman: Not tonight dear, I have a headache.
(Later as man graduated from hunter gatherer to farmer the word cave was replaced by 'hay'. 'Headache' was replaced by 'Migraine', which is supposed to last for an indeterminable period)
Our prehistoric dude's successors successfully kept his tradition alive with several bouncy love children till some barbarians spoilt the party by inventing 'monogamy' and 'marriage'. The invention of the 'headache' and 'marriage' hampered the human man’s style and he in turn invented "Football" to vent his frustrations. This was the first ever-recorded 'vicious cycle' in human history and the beginning of many other vicious cycles that led to the invention of Cricket, Motorbikes and Whiskey.
Anyways, the prehistoric dude had a lot of fun, unlike his modern counterpart who has to content with alimony, child support and AIDS if he tried to emulate his ancestors. But life was not all fun and women for our prehistoric dude. He had the responsibility of feeding his numerous women and love kids. If he couldn’t bring home the bacon er...I mean the Bison he would have to contend with the sad loss of his loved ones to his rival’s camp.(Because his rival’s dining stone was groaning under a rather juicy Buffalo). Not bringing home the Bison had other disadvantages too. He would have to eat the vegetables gathered by the women. The vegetables reminded him of his failure as a hunter and that according to Michael Chakson, is why men hate veggies and love meat. (another example of a prehistoric vicious cycle)
Prehistoric man learnt from bitter experience that silence was golden after this traumatic incident at a hunt.
Man1: Shhhhh!!!! A plump deer at 2 ‘o’ Clock!
Man2: Did you hear that Granite Garry’s woman had defected to Marble Marlow’s camp?
Man1: Drat! The deer ran away.
Man3: Shhhh!!!! A fat Bison!!
Man4: Really??? But I thought Marble Marlow’s wife was messing his gene pool with Granite Garry!!!
Man3: Darn! The Bison took to his heels.
That night, Man 1, 2, 3 and 4 all lost their women to Sandstone Sean and Igneous Isaac. (Well...Granite Garry and Marble Marlow’s camp were rather crowded already).
Silence became an important tool for the prehistoric man for hunting. Besides having so many women put paid his chances of getting in a word edgewise or otherwise. Man continued to excel in hunting but languished in verbal skills.
And that according to Michael Chakson, is why guys are the strong and silent types.
Therefore girls get a little perplexed when guys don’t chatter as much and prefer to clam up and drink alcohol whether they are sad, happy, jubilant, depressed, angry, joyous or forgot to shave.(The latest Mera No. 1 ad is an outstanding testimony of the human Man's inability to verbalize his feelings).
So I approached a renowned historian to learn about this behavior of men. After several pegs of Mera No. 1 Mineral Water, Cassettes and CDs, renowned historian Michael Chakson from Jhumri Thalaiyya told me that this kind of behavior is a genetic predisposition from the days Humans were hunter-gatherers.
The prehistoric Man was our predecessor and was the guy who was responsible for the propagation of our species. (Poor man if he had known this back then, he would have invented birth control before the wheel). Go forth and multiply was his motto er...natural instinct, which is what actually led to the invention of the wheel. And the rest is history er...present...er...whatever. Which is why guys with two wheelers behave like Neanderthals while the ones with four wheels behave like Neanderthals on four wheels.
This prehistoric dude was a real modern and hep dude. He had numerous live in girlfriends. He was also the first man in History to have a love child when his first-born came into this world. After delivering several love children the prehistoric women invented "Headache". Which was the first ever recorded form of birth control by early man. The invention of the ‘headache’ also led to speech by early man and the first ever-recorded conversation between humans went like this.
Man: hrmphfxl?
Woman: Not tonight dear, I have a headache.
(Later as man graduated from hunter gatherer to farmer the word cave was replaced by 'hay'. 'Headache' was replaced by 'Migraine', which is supposed to last for an indeterminable period)
Our prehistoric dude's successors successfully kept his tradition alive with several bouncy love children till some barbarians spoilt the party by inventing 'monogamy' and 'marriage'. The invention of the 'headache' and 'marriage' hampered the human man’s style and he in turn invented "Football" to vent his frustrations. This was the first ever-recorded 'vicious cycle' in human history and the beginning of many other vicious cycles that led to the invention of Cricket, Motorbikes and Whiskey.
Anyways, the prehistoric dude had a lot of fun, unlike his modern counterpart who has to content with alimony, child support and AIDS if he tried to emulate his ancestors. But life was not all fun and women for our prehistoric dude. He had the responsibility of feeding his numerous women and love kids. If he couldn’t bring home the bacon er...I mean the Bison he would have to contend with the sad loss of his loved ones to his rival’s camp.(Because his rival’s dining stone was groaning under a rather juicy Buffalo). Not bringing home the Bison had other disadvantages too. He would have to eat the vegetables gathered by the women. The vegetables reminded him of his failure as a hunter and that according to Michael Chakson, is why men hate veggies and love meat. (another example of a prehistoric vicious cycle)
Prehistoric man learnt from bitter experience that silence was golden after this traumatic incident at a hunt.
Man1: Shhhhh!!!! A plump deer at 2 ‘o’ Clock!
Man2: Did you hear that Granite Garry’s woman had defected to Marble Marlow’s camp?
Man1: Drat! The deer ran away.
Man3: Shhhh!!!! A fat Bison!!
Man4: Really??? But I thought Marble Marlow’s wife was messing his gene pool with Granite Garry!!!
Man3: Darn! The Bison took to his heels.
That night, Man 1, 2, 3 and 4 all lost their women to Sandstone Sean and Igneous Isaac. (Well...Granite Garry and Marble Marlow’s camp were rather crowded already).
Silence became an important tool for the prehistoric man for hunting. Besides having so many women put paid his chances of getting in a word edgewise or otherwise. Man continued to excel in hunting but languished in verbal skills.
And that according to Michael Chakson, is why guys are the strong and silent types.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
And pigs will fly !!
I have been tagged by Anil The Great and Whoosh
Rules of the game are...
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.
Sex of the target :
Male
PERFECT LOVER ( Guess it will be easier to find the Loch Ness Monster.)
1. He will treat me like a Queen. Period.
( Thank you girls I knew you would approve)
2. He will have no object of affection except me and that includes his bike/car, his mom and his latest mobile phone.
( Thanks again girls for the overwhelming nodding of heads)
3. He will make me breakfast in bed and say that I am the most beautiful and desirable girl in the whole world at least three times a day.
( Girls! Thank you for that deafening applause)
4. He will be my friend first. Boyfriend, husband, cook, housekeeper etc. secondary but essential. (Thanks again girls for the standing ovation, I knew you would all agree)
5. He will be neat and tidy and not sloppy.
( Girls! It is not lady like to laugh so loudly)
6. He will look after the children if any and make me candle light dinners everyday.
( Yeah girls, high fives from my side too)
7. He will not forget my birthday, our anniversary and the fact that I like long stemmed red rose buds.
( hey stop rolling on the floor girls!!! )
8. He will be comfortable with my friends, family, dogs and hair dresser not necessarily in that order.
( Ok I heard the guffaws grrrrrr)
I used a secret resource called “The License to Dream” to write this tag. I have used it liberally in this post.
I passed this tag around to friends with husbands and boyfriends and I have given their expert opinion in the brackets. I declare solemnly that all that I have written here has been whetted by a panel of female experts and certified as highly unattainable.
I hereby pass on the “The License to Dream” to the below mentioned people.Dream on guys.
1.matterofchoice
He writes with much depth on serious issues.
2. Geo
Here’s a guy blogger who can handle romance and humor with great aplomb.
3. Jithu Wonderful writer. I am glad I discovered his blog.
4. mindcurry
His mission is to save God’s Own Country from becoming Dog’s Own Country!
5. Thanu
Whatever she writes strikes a cord in you.
6. HopeandLove
Read her posts and you will thank God forever for your blessings.
7. Leon
I read this post of his first and was hooked.
8. Praveen
Read his posts to know what the word “refreshing” means!!!
p.s. If you know such a guy then please forward his profile to Ripleys Believe it or Not and CC a copy to me.
Rules of the game are...
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.
Sex of the target :
Male
PERFECT LOVER ( Guess it will be easier to find the Loch Ness Monster.)
1. He will treat me like a Queen. Period.
( Thank you girls I knew you would approve)
2. He will have no object of affection except me and that includes his bike/car, his mom and his latest mobile phone.
( Thanks again girls for the overwhelming nodding of heads)
3. He will make me breakfast in bed and say that I am the most beautiful and desirable girl in the whole world at least three times a day.
( Girls! Thank you for that deafening applause)
4. He will be my friend first. Boyfriend, husband, cook, housekeeper etc. secondary but essential. (Thanks again girls for the standing ovation, I knew you would all agree)
5. He will be neat and tidy and not sloppy.
( Girls! It is not lady like to laugh so loudly)
6. He will look after the children if any and make me candle light dinners everyday.
( Yeah girls, high fives from my side too)
7. He will not forget my birthday, our anniversary and the fact that I like long stemmed red rose buds.
( hey stop rolling on the floor girls!!! )
8. He will be comfortable with my friends, family, dogs and hair dresser not necessarily in that order.
( Ok I heard the guffaws grrrrrr)
I used a secret resource called “The License to Dream” to write this tag. I have used it liberally in this post.
I passed this tag around to friends with husbands and boyfriends and I have given their expert opinion in the brackets. I declare solemnly that all that I have written here has been whetted by a panel of female experts and certified as highly unattainable.
I hereby pass on the “The License to Dream” to the below mentioned people.Dream on guys.
1.matterofchoice
He writes with much depth on serious issues.
2. Geo
Here’s a guy blogger who can handle romance and humor with great aplomb.
3. Jithu Wonderful writer. I am glad I discovered his blog.
4. mindcurry
His mission is to save God’s Own Country from becoming Dog’s Own Country!
5. Thanu
Whatever she writes strikes a cord in you.
6. HopeandLove
Read her posts and you will thank God forever for your blessings.
7. Leon
I read this post of his first and was hooked.
8. Praveen
Read his posts to know what the word “refreshing” means!!!
p.s. If you know such a guy then please forward his profile to Ripleys Believe it or Not and CC a copy to me.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Gentleman's game ladies please excuse !
Saturday morning and I am greeted with the sight that most women in India dread! That of the menfolk sitting glued to the TV watching cricket! I can see the usual Saturday family card session vanishing into thin air. Getting my Dad and brothers to abandon the TV is as impossible as Cauvery water sharing, which brings me to the topic of this post "CRICKET".
No,no...this is no girly rant against Cricket. I love Cricket...but only when India wins against Pakistan. Other times I hate the game that makes millions of wives into temporary widows, children into temporary orphans and sisters into ballboys er...ball girls or whatever it is that younger sisters are called when they have to go fetch the cricket balls that brother and friends hit wildly into neighboring Tamil Nadu, Andhra Pradesh and the Indian Ocean.
I was introduced to cricket at a very young age. My elder brother and friends used to play cricket at the paddy field near my house. And I was the official ballgirl (if there is such a term). And for all my troubles I was rewarded with ice cream at the end of the game. I quite liked skipping after the ball, picking it up and then skipping back to the field after I had chased a butterfly and the batsmen had made their 18th run and were looking desperately to see if I would get back and give them a break.
One day after the opposite team had made about 765 runs, both teams met for a pow wow and it was decided by mutual consensus that when I ran after the ball, it would be counted as a Four and no more. This put paid to runs being accumulated like Sachins injuries.
Now you might wonder why the guys put up with me at all. On weekends my Mom would take off for her weekly shopping trip and my eldest brother had to baby sit. He did baby sit, but as he always says it does not matter how you do the job as long as it gets done. So I was taken to the cricket field along with the other equipment and made to run after the ball if the ball went outside the boundary line. Of course Mom was none the wiser and I kept my mouth shut partly because of a very numb tongue after my 6th ice cream.
Second brother soon got into playing cricket and realized that additional human resources in the form of younger sister was a good idea than running around looking for the ball and getting all hot under the collar. He was however unsuccessful in garnering the available human resource because the human resource had to be fed and would keep wandering off with the ball. This made him mad and he withheld the promised Ice Cream after one match. Human Resource went and squealed to Dad and that was the end of further fielding resources for second brother.
During the course of my glorious innings as ball collector I learnt quite a few cricketing terms.
F**k!!!! means "if I wasn’t watching that gal I would seen that the ball was headed towards my middle stump!"
A** h**e means,"how can you hit me for a six you a** h**e?!?!"
Such colorful terms were very educative for an 8 year old and soon Dad and Mom were called for an emergency PTA meeting. Dad was relieved that it was nothing serious when he heard the Teacher say with a pained expression "You daughter said F**k when the Crayon fell down and broke."
Mom was however horrified and soon the three of us went through a refresher course in English language.
Mom: What is the exclamation you would use when you are angry?
Elder Brother: Damn?
Mom: hmm ok, but I would prefer if you said, “This is so inconvenient”
Elder Brother: Sure
Mom: Ok what would you say when someone swears at you?
Second brother (smirking): What do you mean by 'swear'?
Mom: er...I mean like the language you use in the cricket field!
SB: Ok, I will say, “This is so inconvenient?!”
Mom: Good!
(Muffled and uncontrollable giggling from the students.)
Mom: And what will you say when your crayon falls down the desk?
Me (on the defensive): I dunno.
Mom: You mustn’t use bad words ok?
Me: Ok. But dad says it’s ok if I don’t say it too loud!
Mom: #*@&*%$&+%$$# (choicest Malayalam epithets)
This brings me to another incident involving Dad:
Ms Michelle: Your daughter pinched Chithra yesterday.
Dad: Why did you pinch Chithra?
Me: But dad, she pinched me first!
Dad: (shocked) I hope you pinched her back real hard !!
Dad was declared persona non grata in school after that.
To come back to our narrative, it is Saturday morning and after a long time, the gender balance in my house is at a level. With my brand new sis-in-law we are now three females vs three males. My mom calls herself a Golf widow and me a Golf orphan, and today my brand new sis-in-law got a new name ‘Cricket widow’. After watching the guys in disgust for half an hour, I did the kindest thing I could do to my new sis-in-law. I took her to Forum for an expensive shopping spree. It will be nice to see my brother’s expression when the Bills come home to roost.
Frailty.er...revenge thy name is woman!
No,no...this is no girly rant against Cricket. I love Cricket...but only when India wins against Pakistan. Other times I hate the game that makes millions of wives into temporary widows, children into temporary orphans and sisters into ballboys er...ball girls or whatever it is that younger sisters are called when they have to go fetch the cricket balls that brother and friends hit wildly into neighboring Tamil Nadu, Andhra Pradesh and the Indian Ocean.
I was introduced to cricket at a very young age. My elder brother and friends used to play cricket at the paddy field near my house. And I was the official ballgirl (if there is such a term). And for all my troubles I was rewarded with ice cream at the end of the game. I quite liked skipping after the ball, picking it up and then skipping back to the field after I had chased a butterfly and the batsmen had made their 18th run and were looking desperately to see if I would get back and give them a break.
One day after the opposite team had made about 765 runs, both teams met for a pow wow and it was decided by mutual consensus that when I ran after the ball, it would be counted as a Four and no more. This put paid to runs being accumulated like Sachins injuries.
Now you might wonder why the guys put up with me at all. On weekends my Mom would take off for her weekly shopping trip and my eldest brother had to baby sit. He did baby sit, but as he always says it does not matter how you do the job as long as it gets done. So I was taken to the cricket field along with the other equipment and made to run after the ball if the ball went outside the boundary line. Of course Mom was none the wiser and I kept my mouth shut partly because of a very numb tongue after my 6th ice cream.
Second brother soon got into playing cricket and realized that additional human resources in the form of younger sister was a good idea than running around looking for the ball and getting all hot under the collar. He was however unsuccessful in garnering the available human resource because the human resource had to be fed and would keep wandering off with the ball. This made him mad and he withheld the promised Ice Cream after one match. Human Resource went and squealed to Dad and that was the end of further fielding resources for second brother.
During the course of my glorious innings as ball collector I learnt quite a few cricketing terms.
F**k!!!! means "if I wasn’t watching that gal I would seen that the ball was headed towards my middle stump!"
A** h**e means,"how can you hit me for a six you a** h**e?!?!"
Such colorful terms were very educative for an 8 year old and soon Dad and Mom were called for an emergency PTA meeting. Dad was relieved that it was nothing serious when he heard the Teacher say with a pained expression "You daughter said F**k when the Crayon fell down and broke."
Mom was however horrified and soon the three of us went through a refresher course in English language.
Mom: What is the exclamation you would use when you are angry?
Elder Brother: Damn?
Mom: hmm ok, but I would prefer if you said, “This is so inconvenient”
Elder Brother: Sure
Mom: Ok what would you say when someone swears at you?
Second brother (smirking): What do you mean by 'swear'?
Mom: er...I mean like the language you use in the cricket field!
SB: Ok, I will say, “This is so inconvenient?!”
Mom: Good!
(Muffled and uncontrollable giggling from the students.)
Mom: And what will you say when your crayon falls down the desk?
Me (on the defensive): I dunno.
Mom: You mustn’t use bad words ok?
Me: Ok. But dad says it’s ok if I don’t say it too loud!
Mom: #*@&*%$&+%$$# (choicest Malayalam epithets)
This brings me to another incident involving Dad:
Ms Michelle: Your daughter pinched Chithra yesterday.
Dad: Why did you pinch Chithra?
Me: But dad, she pinched me first!
Dad: (shocked) I hope you pinched her back real hard !!
Dad was declared persona non grata in school after that.
To come back to our narrative, it is Saturday morning and after a long time, the gender balance in my house is at a level. With my brand new sis-in-law we are now three females vs three males. My mom calls herself a Golf widow and me a Golf orphan, and today my brand new sis-in-law got a new name ‘Cricket widow’. After watching the guys in disgust for half an hour, I did the kindest thing I could do to my new sis-in-law. I took her to Forum for an expensive shopping spree. It will be nice to see my brother’s expression when the Bills come home to roost.
Frailty.er...revenge thy name is woman!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Behind the scenes...
Sometime during my teens I stumbled into advertising and worked in ad agencies during weekends through pre university. By the time the stint was over I had learned all that is know about advertising and was all set for an illustrious career in anything other than advertising. The tricks and gimmicks that I have learned working in an ad agency will be very useful for people who are contemplating an advertising career in the Creative side...
The web defines Advertisement as "Item of publicity to promote a product or service in newspapers, magazines, on TV etc."
Let me take the example of the following products/service to illustrate this point.
SHAMPOO
Marketing guy from shampoo company (MG): Ok, We need to push up sales of our Gopika shampoo.
Creative Director of Ad Agency(CD): And what is unique about your shampoo that we can highlight?
MG: Nothing.
CD: Great!
CD sends out a talent scout to look for a gal with long lustrous hair.
Talent Scout (TS) to gal with long lustrous hair: Ma’am you have lovely hair
Gal: er.. thank you. Do I know you?
TS: I am from ABC Modeling Agency, would you like to model?
Gal (jumping up and down with glee): wow !!! What will it be? Revlon cosmetics, Lee Jeans or a Mercedes car?
TS: er...you could call it cosmetics...
After the confirmation and paperwork CD sets up the photo shoot. The gal’s hair is washed and cleaned by an expert beautician using the best imported shampoo and lots of photographs are taken of her hair in various hair styles in landscaped gardens, in the shower, in an office setting etc.
Scene at the studio
Gal: what the f*&%$ I thought I will be modeling for cosmetics, why are you photographing my hair and not my face?
CD: er, this is just the beginning; we will unveil your lovely face in a phased manner.
Gal (happily): Oh ok.
After the shoot she is paid a pittance and unceremoniously shown the door.
TOOTHPASTE
MG: I know our Raja Toothpaste sucks but I gotta sales target to meet here.
CD: Whatever!
Talent Scout is sent to various colleges during lunch break. He shortlists a couple of gals and guys with the widest grins, and gets them over to the studio where a dentist waits with white paint.
Scene at the studio
Gal no. 1: What’s that? (Pointing to the white paint)
Dentist: This is XYZ teeth cleaner.
Guy no. 2: What does it do?
Dentist: It cleans your teeth to a sparkling white. It is IDA certified.
Guys and Gals: That’s neat!!
Dentist to assistant: Give them all my visiting card. They will definitely need it by this time tomorrow.
The guys and gals are clothed in funky college costumes and their teeth painted white by the dentist. The photographer adjusts his filter to subdue the shine from their teeth and takes numerous group photos of the guys and gals grinning widely at the camera.
After the shoot they are paid a pittance and unceremoniously shown the lift, aching jaws and all.
APPOINTMENT AD FOR IT COMPANY
HR Manager: We need to get the best talents into our company.
CD: Ok, so what are the benefits that your company offers prospective employees?
HR: Benefits?? What’s that?
CD: Ok, I get the point!
Talent Scout is sent out to Engineering colleges to look for very ordinary looking guys and gals (VOG)(This is for a more realsitic effect). After short listing a few he approaches them.
TS: Hello I am from XYZ Modeling agency; we are looking for your kinda face for our latest ad campaign.
VOG: Us?
TS: Yes !! You guys kinda fit the role. What are your names?
VOG no 1: I am Nadamuri Tharakka Venkatravamma and these are my friends Marudur Gopala Krishnan , Shinykutty Johnson, Srilakshmi Venkatachalapathy and Konkona Roychowdhury.
TS: Whew that was quite a mouthful. You will look just right for the role I have in mind.
VOGs are dressed in office wear with access cards around their necks and taken to Taj Westend. They are made to sit in the conference room and photographed looking seriously into laptops. A blond man staying at the hotel is persuaded to sit with them for the shoot for added effect. Then the guys’ strip into swimming suits while the girls enter the pool in their Salwars and pose like they are having a blast. Finally they are taken to the in-house discotheque where they are photographed dancing and presumably having fun.
HR to CD: Make it look like it is great working for Really Soft Technologies Pvt. Ltd. even though we are a 24/7 sweatshop.
CD(sarcastically): Shall I shoot the Vidhana Soudha as the new Really Soft Technologies Pvt. Ltd. building madam ?
HR: Why not! Personally I would have preferred the Taj Mahal but we don’t have the money to send you even by second class three tier to Agra.
After the shoot the VOGs are paid a pittance and ceremoniously shown the Taj Westend gate by the liveried Gatekeeper.
The copywriter then takes these photos, writes a catchy headline a smart body copy and makes a snazzy advertisement, which is splashed in various publications for your consumption.
I think I will stick with Shikakai powder, Neem twigs and my present company.
The web defines Advertisement as "Item of publicity to promote a product or service in newspapers, magazines, on TV etc."
Let me take the example of the following products/service to illustrate this point.
SHAMPOO
Marketing guy from shampoo company (MG): Ok, We need to push up sales of our Gopika shampoo.
Creative Director of Ad Agency(CD): And what is unique about your shampoo that we can highlight?
MG: Nothing.
CD: Great!
CD sends out a talent scout to look for a gal with long lustrous hair.
Talent Scout (TS) to gal with long lustrous hair: Ma’am you have lovely hair
Gal: er.. thank you. Do I know you?
TS: I am from ABC Modeling Agency, would you like to model?
Gal (jumping up and down with glee): wow !!! What will it be? Revlon cosmetics, Lee Jeans or a Mercedes car?
TS: er...you could call it cosmetics...
After the confirmation and paperwork CD sets up the photo shoot. The gal’s hair is washed and cleaned by an expert beautician using the best imported shampoo and lots of photographs are taken of her hair in various hair styles in landscaped gardens, in the shower, in an office setting etc.
Scene at the studio
Gal: what the f*&%$ I thought I will be modeling for cosmetics, why are you photographing my hair and not my face?
CD: er, this is just the beginning; we will unveil your lovely face in a phased manner.
Gal (happily): Oh ok.
After the shoot she is paid a pittance and unceremoniously shown the door.
TOOTHPASTE
MG: I know our Raja Toothpaste sucks but I gotta sales target to meet here.
CD: Whatever!
Talent Scout is sent to various colleges during lunch break. He shortlists a couple of gals and guys with the widest grins, and gets them over to the studio where a dentist waits with white paint.
Scene at the studio
Gal no. 1: What’s that? (Pointing to the white paint)
Dentist: This is XYZ teeth cleaner.
Guy no. 2: What does it do?
Dentist: It cleans your teeth to a sparkling white. It is IDA certified.
Guys and Gals: That’s neat!!
Dentist to assistant: Give them all my visiting card. They will definitely need it by this time tomorrow.
The guys and gals are clothed in funky college costumes and their teeth painted white by the dentist. The photographer adjusts his filter to subdue the shine from their teeth and takes numerous group photos of the guys and gals grinning widely at the camera.
After the shoot they are paid a pittance and unceremoniously shown the lift, aching jaws and all.
APPOINTMENT AD FOR IT COMPANY
HR Manager: We need to get the best talents into our company.
CD: Ok, so what are the benefits that your company offers prospective employees?
HR: Benefits?? What’s that?
CD: Ok, I get the point!
Talent Scout is sent out to Engineering colleges to look for very ordinary looking guys and gals (VOG)(This is for a more realsitic effect). After short listing a few he approaches them.
TS: Hello I am from XYZ Modeling agency; we are looking for your kinda face for our latest ad campaign.
VOG: Us?
TS: Yes !! You guys kinda fit the role. What are your names?
VOG no 1: I am Nadamuri Tharakka Venkatravamma and these are my friends Marudur Gopala Krishnan , Shinykutty Johnson, Srilakshmi Venkatachalapathy and Konkona Roychowdhury.
TS: Whew that was quite a mouthful. You will look just right for the role I have in mind.
VOGs are dressed in office wear with access cards around their necks and taken to Taj Westend. They are made to sit in the conference room and photographed looking seriously into laptops. A blond man staying at the hotel is persuaded to sit with them for the shoot for added effect. Then the guys’ strip into swimming suits while the girls enter the pool in their Salwars and pose like they are having a blast. Finally they are taken to the in-house discotheque where they are photographed dancing and presumably having fun.
HR to CD: Make it look like it is great working for Really Soft Technologies Pvt. Ltd. even though we are a 24/7 sweatshop.
CD(sarcastically): Shall I shoot the Vidhana Soudha as the new Really Soft Technologies Pvt. Ltd. building madam ?
HR: Why not! Personally I would have preferred the Taj Mahal but we don’t have the money to send you even by second class three tier to Agra.
After the shoot the VOGs are paid a pittance and ceremoniously shown the Taj Westend gate by the liveried Gatekeeper.
The copywriter then takes these photos, writes a catchy headline a smart body copy and makes a snazzy advertisement, which is splashed in various publications for your consumption.
I think I will stick with Shikakai powder, Neem twigs and my present company.
Monday, January 16, 2006
The silent killer !
This is a true incident that happened last year.
Last summer me and three other girls were living in a house in a less populated part of Koramangala. My roomies were out-of-towners while I was a ‘fringe-Bangalorean’ that is my folks lived a little away from the city. In order to cut short the commute time I had convinced my parents that I should stay in the city during weekdays during summer Internships. My parent's reluctantly gave in when they met my other roomies and the landlord who was a nice gentleman. I was maha thrilled to be living alone for the first time in my life, that is if you discount the months before final exams when I usually stayed in the college hostel (but then that was more like being in the Central Jail, without the benefits.) The house in which we all lived like merry bachelorettes was a four bedroomed house, which means we had our own private rooms. My room was slightly bigger than the matchbox size of the other rooms and this was willingly ceded to me to accommodate my PC.
My room mates were a mallu gal ‘A’, a Bengali gal I used to call ‘Chikoo’ for obvious reasons ( she was plump) and ‘P’ a girl from Chennai. I was the only non-techie and Intern in this crowd. From day one, the four of us hit it off quite well. None of those "your-wet-towel-was on-my-bed" and "you-borrowed-my-shoes" frictions that happens to gals living in hostels or sharing rooms. I think having our own rooms was a big blessing.
One day I was very late coming from office. As a drove tiredly into the house I didn't notice that the streetlights were off. There were several empty plots near our house and a huge wooded park sprawled opposite the house. I pulled into the driveway and in the faint light of my bike headlights saw that my roomies bikes were already parked in the driveway. After I had switched off the light of my bike I noticed that it was pitch dark everywhere. Groping my way to the front door I felt around till I found the switch to the light on the verandah and flicked the light on. The verandah was instantly bathed in yellow light and I noticed that the front door was ajar. The house was pitch dark save for the flickering of the TV and there was no movement within. I felt a chill run up my spine. I fished out my mobile from my handbag and called the landline in the house. I could hear the phone ringing but no one picked up the phone. I tried my roomies mobiles with no luck.
Fearing the worst I gingerly went inside the near dark hall. The light switch for the hall near the front door was useless as there was no bulb in the socket. That left the tubelight with its switch at the other end of the hall. As I walked into the dark hall groping my way around I could get a terrible smell. The smell was quite overpowering and I felt nausea welling up within me. Covering my nose with my jacket I groped around till I found the tube light switch and put it on. As the tube light flickered I got the terrible glimpse of a dead body that lay sprawled in the hall. Stifling a scream I rushed wildly out of the hall and into the kitchen. Quickly closing the door to shut out the terrible sight I put on the light switch with a trembling hand. I froze in horror at the sight in the kitchen.
Crockery and cutlery lay everywhere and the kitchen was in a mess. On the kitchen platform were my roomies their eyes wide with terror, mouth open in a silent scream. ‘Chikoo’ clutched a blue plastic packet in her cold hand. It had “Bellona Cockroach Repellent” written across in bold letters....
And judging from the dead body of the cockroach in the hall it was damn effective.
The salesman was right, it was ‘deadly’.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trackback: In my absence, one of my roomies had lit the Bellona agarbathi thinking that it was a regular agarbthi. This had caused the cockroach to come out and breathe its last in the hall where they were sitting watching TV. And since all three were terrified of cockroaches they would have fled to the nearest room i.e. the kitchen on seeing the roach in the hall. But to their bad luck the smell of the agarbathi had made the roaches in the kitchen to crawl out too to die on the kitchen floor. This would have made them jump on the kitchen platform effectively trapping them till I came back from work.
I took a broom and gathered the lone ranger in the hall and the other fellahs in the kitchen and put them to their final rest in the drain outside. After a thorough inspection of the house and lots of reassuring my roomies finally climbed down from their perch of one hour.
‘A’ gets married in May and ‘Chikoo’ in March. Me and ‘P’ the youngest amongst the four are now back with our parents. But this is one incident that we will never forget for a long time to come.
Last summer me and three other girls were living in a house in a less populated part of Koramangala. My roomies were out-of-towners while I was a ‘fringe-Bangalorean’ that is my folks lived a little away from the city. In order to cut short the commute time I had convinced my parents that I should stay in the city during weekdays during summer Internships. My parent's reluctantly gave in when they met my other roomies and the landlord who was a nice gentleman. I was maha thrilled to be living alone for the first time in my life, that is if you discount the months before final exams when I usually stayed in the college hostel (but then that was more like being in the Central Jail, without the benefits.) The house in which we all lived like merry bachelorettes was a four bedroomed house, which means we had our own private rooms. My room was slightly bigger than the matchbox size of the other rooms and this was willingly ceded to me to accommodate my PC.
My room mates were a mallu gal ‘A’, a Bengali gal I used to call ‘Chikoo’ for obvious reasons ( she was plump) and ‘P’ a girl from Chennai. I was the only non-techie and Intern in this crowd. From day one, the four of us hit it off quite well. None of those "your-wet-towel-was on-my-bed" and "you-borrowed-my-shoes" frictions that happens to gals living in hostels or sharing rooms. I think having our own rooms was a big blessing.
One day I was very late coming from office. As a drove tiredly into the house I didn't notice that the streetlights were off. There were several empty plots near our house and a huge wooded park sprawled opposite the house. I pulled into the driveway and in the faint light of my bike headlights saw that my roomies bikes were already parked in the driveway. After I had switched off the light of my bike I noticed that it was pitch dark everywhere. Groping my way to the front door I felt around till I found the switch to the light on the verandah and flicked the light on. The verandah was instantly bathed in yellow light and I noticed that the front door was ajar. The house was pitch dark save for the flickering of the TV and there was no movement within. I felt a chill run up my spine. I fished out my mobile from my handbag and called the landline in the house. I could hear the phone ringing but no one picked up the phone. I tried my roomies mobiles with no luck.
Fearing the worst I gingerly went inside the near dark hall. The light switch for the hall near the front door was useless as there was no bulb in the socket. That left the tubelight with its switch at the other end of the hall. As I walked into the dark hall groping my way around I could get a terrible smell. The smell was quite overpowering and I felt nausea welling up within me. Covering my nose with my jacket I groped around till I found the tube light switch and put it on. As the tube light flickered I got the terrible glimpse of a dead body that lay sprawled in the hall. Stifling a scream I rushed wildly out of the hall and into the kitchen. Quickly closing the door to shut out the terrible sight I put on the light switch with a trembling hand. I froze in horror at the sight in the kitchen.
Crockery and cutlery lay everywhere and the kitchen was in a mess. On the kitchen platform were my roomies their eyes wide with terror, mouth open in a silent scream. ‘Chikoo’ clutched a blue plastic packet in her cold hand. It had “Bellona Cockroach Repellent” written across in bold letters....
And judging from the dead body of the cockroach in the hall it was damn effective.
The salesman was right, it was ‘deadly’.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trackback: In my absence, one of my roomies had lit the Bellona agarbathi thinking that it was a regular agarbthi. This had caused the cockroach to come out and breathe its last in the hall where they were sitting watching TV. And since all three were terrified of cockroaches they would have fled to the nearest room i.e. the kitchen on seeing the roach in the hall. But to their bad luck the smell of the agarbathi had made the roaches in the kitchen to crawl out too to die on the kitchen floor. This would have made them jump on the kitchen platform effectively trapping them till I came back from work.
I took a broom and gathered the lone ranger in the hall and the other fellahs in the kitchen and put them to their final rest in the drain outside. After a thorough inspection of the house and lots of reassuring my roomies finally climbed down from their perch of one hour.
‘A’ gets married in May and ‘Chikoo’ in March. Me and ‘P’ the youngest amongst the four are now back with our parents. But this is one incident that we will never forget for a long time to come.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Forever young !
Thursday morning, and the usual avalanche of SMS’s fall on me as the gals plan Friday night’s jam session. I am caught in the middle of a crossfire of SMS’s going back and forth for a good one and a half hour.
1. silverine’s place, we can have a barbecue
2. No! 2 far + pesky brother how about N’s place?
3. No, pesky brother there too, how about S’s place?
4. No, her mom will close us by 10
5. Shobha?
6. Pesky younger sister
7. Ok then it is silverine’s place then
8. Ok.
It’s a wonder we get any work done at all on a Thursday.
Next round of SMS’ starts post lunch.
1. Bacardi Breezer for me
2. Rum, OM
3. KF Beer
4. Smirnoff
5. Blue Riband
6. somebody please get the softdrinks too
7. I hate Smirnoff , make it Absolut
8. I hate KF Beer, get me UB
9. Grovers White Wine
10. Who will buy?
11. Silverine and Nisha
12. Why us?????
13. (silence)
Friday evening me and Nisha set off for Sunday to Monday (S2M). Nisha grumbles that it took her a good half an hour to write down the booze list from her mobile while I look around furtively to see if any relation/friend of the family is around. I will never bump into a relation/friend of the family when I am shopping for groceries, but the moment I pick up a bottle of booze they appear miraculously from nowhere.*sigh*
The coast was clear. S2M was thinly populated with housewives and snotty hyperactive kids. We take our trolley and with the air of experienced boozards begin filling up the trolley. Pretty soon it is evident that we will need another trolley (because we had to keep the bottles horizontal in single file to avoid breakage). I walk across with an air of great interest to the Masala section, see an abandoned trolley and quickly grab it and we begin filling it up. After some time it becomes evident that something was horribly wrong with our booze shopping list because we are in need of a third trolley!!!!!
Time for SMS’s again.
1. Ok, tell us exactly how much booze you all want!
2. I want 3 breezers, orange flavor
3. 3 UB beers, pint
4. One wine, very chilled ok?
5. Smirnoff, 250 ml yaar
6. one 500 ml coke, sprite, fanta
7. if they don’t have OM get Celebration Rum,
8. They don’t have quarter? How dumb!
9. Ok then get me a 500 ml
10. Sausages over at Foodworld, can you get it instead?
11. Hey I am Veg remember?
12. Yeah, and I am Miss India
And so on and so forth. Pretty soon we are cursing and swearing and jotting down the ‘orders’. Now we know why waiters give us the cruel eye when we get into a debate on the merits and demerits of various brands of alcohol while he is waiting, pencil poised to take our orders.
After filling up for the second time, we go to the billing area near the exit. I see my Uncle John, my Dad’s drinking buddy coming straight at us. I duck behind the plastic wares shelf leaving a flustered Nisha with two trolleys laden with booze. Uncle John takes his time at the toiletry section and Nisha manages to push both the trolley amidst curses to 8 generations of my ancestors to the billing area. We are 5th in the queue consisting of a beautiful grey haired grandmom buying cheese and sugarless cookies, an old couple buying papadams, a mom buying half the store, and two guys buying Maggi Noodles and Sprite ( guess they were eating in style that day).
And as is wont for people waiting in the queue, everyone is casually looking around at the people coming in and the people waiting with them and at the …..trolleys. Our trolley looks like a bootleggers tempo and bottles stick out like fluorescent sore thumbs. The elderly gentleman standing in front of us with namam on forehead looks disapprovingly at us. He whispers something to his wife. She looks at our trolley pointedly, then stares at us coldly making both of us squirm like two worms on a hot plate. Then mom decides to look around. Her eyes freeze as she spots our trolley, widens in disbelief and she looks away disapprovingly. Then one of the not-so-merry bachelors standing behind the Grandmom espies our trolley. He nudges his friend and both giggle like two school girls who have just seen a packet of condoms. I suggest to Nisha that we give a swig of the wine to these people and both of us collapse into giggles at the very thought. (More disapproving stares)
Our turn comes at last and the cashier starts removing the bottles one by one painstakingly scanning the barcode one by one blessed bottle at a time. We ignore the stares and smirks of the growing queue and finally manage to leave the place after what seemed an eternity.
As we were walking out cursing and grumbling and groaning at the weight of the bottles and the ‘narrow minded” people, we heard a voice calling out - “Girls!” We look around and see that it was the white haired Grandma who was ahead of the sober bachelors in the line. She waves, smiles and then winks and says. “Have a blast, girls. And have a large one for me.”
We smile right back absolutely bowled over by the spunky lady.
At last!!! Someone who understands us. Someone who is our age !! (at least at heart.)
As we walk away I catch myself singing "Forever young, I want to be forever young"
1. silverine’s place, we can have a barbecue
2. No! 2 far + pesky brother how about N’s place?
3. No, pesky brother there too, how about S’s place?
4. No, her mom will close us by 10
5. Shobha?
6. Pesky younger sister
7. Ok then it is silverine’s place then
8. Ok.
It’s a wonder we get any work done at all on a Thursday.
Next round of SMS’ starts post lunch.
1. Bacardi Breezer for me
2. Rum, OM
3. KF Beer
4. Smirnoff
5. Blue Riband
6. somebody please get the softdrinks too
7. I hate Smirnoff , make it Absolut
8. I hate KF Beer, get me UB
9. Grovers White Wine
10. Who will buy?
11. Silverine and Nisha
12. Why us?????
13. (silence)
Friday evening me and Nisha set off for Sunday to Monday (S2M). Nisha grumbles that it took her a good half an hour to write down the booze list from her mobile while I look around furtively to see if any relation/friend of the family is around. I will never bump into a relation/friend of the family when I am shopping for groceries, but the moment I pick up a bottle of booze they appear miraculously from nowhere.*sigh*
The coast was clear. S2M was thinly populated with housewives and snotty hyperactive kids. We take our trolley and with the air of experienced boozards begin filling up the trolley. Pretty soon it is evident that we will need another trolley (because we had to keep the bottles horizontal in single file to avoid breakage). I walk across with an air of great interest to the Masala section, see an abandoned trolley and quickly grab it and we begin filling it up. After some time it becomes evident that something was horribly wrong with our booze shopping list because we are in need of a third trolley!!!!!
Time for SMS’s again.
1. Ok, tell us exactly how much booze you all want!
2. I want 3 breezers, orange flavor
3. 3 UB beers, pint
4. One wine, very chilled ok?
5. Smirnoff, 250 ml yaar
6. one 500 ml coke, sprite, fanta
7. if they don’t have OM get Celebration Rum,
8. They don’t have quarter? How dumb!
9. Ok then get me a 500 ml
10. Sausages over at Foodworld, can you get it instead?
11. Hey I am Veg remember?
12. Yeah, and I am Miss India
And so on and so forth. Pretty soon we are cursing and swearing and jotting down the ‘orders’. Now we know why waiters give us the cruel eye when we get into a debate on the merits and demerits of various brands of alcohol while he is waiting, pencil poised to take our orders.
After filling up for the second time, we go to the billing area near the exit. I see my Uncle John, my Dad’s drinking buddy coming straight at us. I duck behind the plastic wares shelf leaving a flustered Nisha with two trolleys laden with booze. Uncle John takes his time at the toiletry section and Nisha manages to push both the trolley amidst curses to 8 generations of my ancestors to the billing area. We are 5th in the queue consisting of a beautiful grey haired grandmom buying cheese and sugarless cookies, an old couple buying papadams, a mom buying half the store, and two guys buying Maggi Noodles and Sprite ( guess they were eating in style that day).
And as is wont for people waiting in the queue, everyone is casually looking around at the people coming in and the people waiting with them and at the …..trolleys. Our trolley looks like a bootleggers tempo and bottles stick out like fluorescent sore thumbs. The elderly gentleman standing in front of us with namam on forehead looks disapprovingly at us. He whispers something to his wife. She looks at our trolley pointedly, then stares at us coldly making both of us squirm like two worms on a hot plate. Then mom decides to look around. Her eyes freeze as she spots our trolley, widens in disbelief and she looks away disapprovingly. Then one of the not-so-merry bachelors standing behind the Grandmom espies our trolley. He nudges his friend and both giggle like two school girls who have just seen a packet of condoms. I suggest to Nisha that we give a swig of the wine to these people and both of us collapse into giggles at the very thought. (More disapproving stares)
Our turn comes at last and the cashier starts removing the bottles one by one painstakingly scanning the barcode one by one blessed bottle at a time. We ignore the stares and smirks of the growing queue and finally manage to leave the place after what seemed an eternity.
As we were walking out cursing and grumbling and groaning at the weight of the bottles and the ‘narrow minded” people, we heard a voice calling out - “Girls!” We look around and see that it was the white haired Grandma who was ahead of the sober bachelors in the line. She waves, smiles and then winks and says. “Have a blast, girls. And have a large one for me.”
We smile right back absolutely bowled over by the spunky lady.
At last!!! Someone who understands us. Someone who is our age !! (at least at heart.)
As we walk away I catch myself singing "Forever young, I want to be forever young"
Sunday, January 08, 2006
One for the road!
Dear Bengalureans!
Namaskara! I am Doddappa. Senior Driver BMTC. I am working in BMTC for past several days and hence the promotion as Senior Driver. (I would have been a Class I driver but for the blindness in one eye and color blindness in the other)
First of all, you pedestrians should realize that I love each one of you like just like my own brother or sister. Not that I don’t have any of my own, but then "the customer is always right yadda yadda" and I have to make the right noises according to the management this year....and I am not talking of the bus horn.
My bus is named Road King. I love driving. But I hate the people who come under my wheels. It is kinda uncool to have your tyres dirtied so often you know. So people, please try and keep out of the roads and if you must venture out, do it in a BMTC.
To drive home this point we drivers have adopted a new motto this year.
“The safest place in Bangalore is INSIDE a BMTC bus”.
On this auspicious occasion I have New Year message for all you lovely people of Bengaluru.
My first message is for you pesky...er young and bright bike riders. The road is for the big boys period. Think of your mom, sister, wife and other female relations when you decide to step on the road. Won’t they miss the chance to cook and feed you and keep your home, wash your clothes etc etc etc (and whatever else it is that women do) when you are dead? Therefore keeping them in consideration, hop on my jolly jalopy and enjoy the ride. Do us a favor. Lose the bike.
My next message is for all you irritating...well I meant well heeled four wheeler drivers. The road is not for woosies, period. Think of the size of my four wheeler.Then think of the size and EMI of your four wheeler. Then think of dealing with our Traffic Cops when you get your Merc dented! Then think of that nice garage you have at home. Then think of your car parked safely in the garage! Hope you are getting the big picture here....
Third message goes out to our tempo drivers, lorry driver etc."You scratch my back I will mangle yours right back tee hee."
Fourth and final message goes out to our dear Auto Rickshaw Drivers." F%&@ you all !!!"
I end my message wishing all pedestrians......I mean Bengalureans "Hosa Varshada Shubhaashayagalu!”
Translated into English it means "Happily New Year!"
Please remember, “The safest place in Bangalore is INSIDE a BMTC bus”. Kapiche?
Your's very sincerely,
Doddappa
Namaskara! I am Doddappa. Senior Driver BMTC. I am working in BMTC for past several days and hence the promotion as Senior Driver. (I would have been a Class I driver but for the blindness in one eye and color blindness in the other)
First of all, you pedestrians should realize that I love each one of you like just like my own brother or sister. Not that I don’t have any of my own, but then "the customer is always right yadda yadda" and I have to make the right noises according to the management this year....and I am not talking of the bus horn.
My bus is named Road King. I love driving. But I hate the people who come under my wheels. It is kinda uncool to have your tyres dirtied so often you know. So people, please try and keep out of the roads and if you must venture out, do it in a BMTC.
To drive home this point we drivers have adopted a new motto this year.
“The safest place in Bangalore is INSIDE a BMTC bus”.
On this auspicious occasion I have New Year message for all you lovely people of Bengaluru.
My first message is for you pesky...er young and bright bike riders. The road is for the big boys period. Think of your mom, sister, wife and other female relations when you decide to step on the road. Won’t they miss the chance to cook and feed you and keep your home, wash your clothes etc etc etc (and whatever else it is that women do) when you are dead? Therefore keeping them in consideration, hop on my jolly jalopy and enjoy the ride. Do us a favor. Lose the bike.
My next message is for all you irritating...well I meant well heeled four wheeler drivers. The road is not for woosies, period. Think of the size of my four wheeler.Then think of the size and EMI of your four wheeler. Then think of dealing with our Traffic Cops when you get your Merc dented! Then think of that nice garage you have at home. Then think of your car parked safely in the garage! Hope you are getting the big picture here....
Third message goes out to our tempo drivers, lorry driver etc."You scratch my back I will mangle yours right back tee hee."
Fourth and final message goes out to our dear Auto Rickshaw Drivers." F%&@ you all !!!"
I end my message wishing all pedestrians......I mean Bengalureans "Hosa Varshada Shubhaashayagalu!”
Translated into English it means "Happily New Year!"
Please remember, “The safest place in Bangalore is INSIDE a BMTC bus”. Kapiche?
Your's very sincerely,
Doddappa
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Cameraware
Today as I sat at my comp hard at work, a chat window pops up in front of me startling me. It was my friend Sunitha and her message read “I can see what you doing, you bad girl !”. I was battling to keep my temper in check after a mail from the Printer telling me that the printing matter that was to be delivered today would be delivered next week as there was a huge traffic jam near the Printing Press!!!! The stupid fellow always gives such innovative excuse because he has not done the job. That’s when the chat window pops up on the monitor.
This particular incident got me thinking. What if in the near future someone develops a a Camera like software programme that could be sent to other peoples computers as a malicious attachment to capture images and sounds of the person using the computer, his surroundings etc? (Do I hear that it is already under development? *shudder*)
At the rate at which technology is leapfrogging frontiers I wouldn’t be surprised if such a thing does happen soon. The enormity of its impact on our day to day lives I am sure would be tremendous. Imagine putting on your comp and then running a “cameraware” scan to remove malicious camera programmes every time you use the comp? And be forever wary that you are being observed by “cameraware’ that slips in like adware into your computer. It would be like living in fear forever! Even pesky adwares are difficult to remove completely as they keep reappearing, so a “cameraware’ would be just as difficult to remove completely from the system. Besides such a programme may be able to read or scan important files stored in your computer and send it out using your email to a remote operator.
Computers will be confined to isolated rooms in homes as you dare not keep it in your bedroom because you change your clothes in there. Or in any other room for that matter because a your comp is now a potential peeping tom. A ‘cameraware’ will become very useful for industrial espionage as it will be easy to install and use unlike bugs.
I can think of dozens of potential hazardous applications for a ‘cameraware’ none palatable. I am sure Symantec and Grisoft will make their billions making Anti Cameraware programmes to combat the growing intrusion into our personal space. And as they make software to detect hidden Cameraware, so will the makers of Cameraware make newer and more sophisticated editions of Cameraware that will be increasingly devious and difficult to detect.
Someone please tell me that this is a technical impossibility!
( p.s.dreamslittle has elaborated the impact of such a technology in his blog)
This particular incident got me thinking. What if in the near future someone develops a a Camera like software programme that could be sent to other peoples computers as a malicious attachment to capture images and sounds of the person using the computer, his surroundings etc? (Do I hear that it is already under development? *shudder*)
At the rate at which technology is leapfrogging frontiers I wouldn’t be surprised if such a thing does happen soon. The enormity of its impact on our day to day lives I am sure would be tremendous. Imagine putting on your comp and then running a “cameraware” scan to remove malicious camera programmes every time you use the comp? And be forever wary that you are being observed by “cameraware’ that slips in like adware into your computer. It would be like living in fear forever! Even pesky adwares are difficult to remove completely as they keep reappearing, so a “cameraware’ would be just as difficult to remove completely from the system. Besides such a programme may be able to read or scan important files stored in your computer and send it out using your email to a remote operator.
Computers will be confined to isolated rooms in homes as you dare not keep it in your bedroom because you change your clothes in there. Or in any other room for that matter because a your comp is now a potential peeping tom. A ‘cameraware’ will become very useful for industrial espionage as it will be easy to install and use unlike bugs.
I can think of dozens of potential hazardous applications for a ‘cameraware’ none palatable. I am sure Symantec and Grisoft will make their billions making Anti Cameraware programmes to combat the growing intrusion into our personal space. And as they make software to detect hidden Cameraware, so will the makers of Cameraware make newer and more sophisticated editions of Cameraware that will be increasingly devious and difficult to detect.
Someone please tell me that this is a technical impossibility!
( p.s.dreamslittle has elaborated the impact of such a technology in his blog)
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