Tangled webs of familial conflicts

My uncle and aunt are not talking to me. So are my other uncles and aunts. And grand aunts and grand uncles. And other extended family members too *sob*

Well… the extended family members usually talk behind my back, so I am really not bothered about them. But I am heartbroken at the heartlessness of my uncles and aunts and grand uncles and aunts at a teeny-weeny misdemeanor of mine!!!

Ok… the teeny-weeny misdemeanor bought a whole lot of shame and scandal to the family I agree. But I was only trying to help!

It all began one harmless day in February 2012 dear people, when my niece asked me for some help. She wanted my help to fill her college application forms; specifically the column that gives thousands of Bangalore students a compulsory vent for their creativity. Yes, I mean the “reason for applying to this educational institution” field in college application forms.

Now my niece is creatively challenged (I cannot tell lies like you), so she wanted her “highly creative” chechi (elder sister) to help her out with this very important minor detail. I was more than willing to help. This was one area where I can wax eloquent without the teeniest blush or prick of conscience. To be fair, I don’t have a conscience. That died a long time ago answering questions like “So what sins do you have to confess this week my dear girl!” to “Why do you want to join our company!”

For a Brahmin Society run college form I made her write: I love animals and want to study in a college that is run by people who don’t eat them. (She got instant selection in the “untouchable quota”)

For a college run by Nuns I made her write: I want to study in a spiritual environment. (The nuns are still trying to figure this out since they know that she is related to me and I studied here. But she stands a good chance says the helpful office clerk after I gave her a five hundred for coffee and another five hundred for tea and a thousand for lunch. I believe her. She is related to the Sister Superior you see.)

And for a college run by priests I made her write: I want to become the future Pope!

And this is where I landed my niece in trouble. Before we could say “Holy ****” a posse of priests landed up at my niece’s house and told her bewildered parents that she was selected to their college and that they have also got her a seat as a Novitiate ( trainee nun) in a nearby convent. And before the parent’s could say “over my dead body” the priests had whisked their daughter away and got her admitted to the convent. And before her parents could collect their wits and jaws from the floor their daughter was already dressed in a nuns habit saying dawn prayers in the church at 5:30 am followed by morning prayers at 8 am followed by mid afternoon prayers at 11 am followed by a massive groan and rebellion at 12 pm. And before the parents could rush to get her out of the convent, their daughter had removed the nun’s clothes and thrown it on the mother superiors face and to the collective gasp of the convent put on a teeny tiny denim skirt with a spaghetti stringed top and walked out swearing bloody revenge on her by-now-absconding-chechi.

To cut a very long and violent story short, the story spread and my niece is now labeled “the girl jumped the convent wall” which is worse than being called a “woman of easy virtue” in mallu land.

My Bangalore born and bred niece thinks it is cool and has forgiven me. Her parents haven’t. The result: no one is talking to me. The teen brigade in the family is mighty impressed with me though and has officially elected me their mascot. I don’t know whether to rejoice or cry or watch my back. Currently I am doing all three.

With mixed feelings I wish you all a great week from the highly secretive location where I am hiding dear people. My aunt and uncle are looking for me you see. And they don’t want to talk. Their unlicensed gun will do the talking, they have promised the family.

Such ungrateful people! Makes me ashamed to call them relatives! Bah!

Pray for me people! *gulp*