Monday, April 12, 2010

Verbal Diarrhoea

Our European Communications Head is a formidable Englishwoman called Mary (not real name). Impeccable English, stiff upper lip and aristocratic family to boot, the only Indian she likes is me. In fact the only non English person she likes in this whole world is me.

Whenever she calls for a conference call, the agenda and timing will be crisply laid out in the email and she doesn’t tolerate anyone joining the call late. If someone is late she just reschedules the call, after a few impeccably tailored barbs at the late comers that have made many a late joiner attempt suicide in sheer humiliation.

Into this picture comes Avarachan (not his real name), a sales executive, who was scheduled to join me and Mary in the call to discuss some global collateral his boss wanted made. Just before the call, Avarachan developed diarrhea and had to rush to the toilet. Mary started the call and decided to continue when I messaged her over instant messenger (IM) about Avarachan's plight. Mary may be a stickler to schedules but she is a kind person who understands such “emergencies”.

Minutes later Avarachan joined the call panting as he had come running all the way from the toilet. He decided to apologize to Mary over IM.

Avarachan: Good afternoon Madam, I am sorry for joining in the call so late.
Mary: No problem John.
Avarachan: Thank you Madam. I ate something that did not agree with me.
Mary: Ok! Let me conduct the call now.
Avarachan: I think it was the mutton. It was a bit off.
Mary: *Ignores him*
Avarachan: Have you ever had Mutton Biryani?
Very nice at Andhra Palace near our office.
It could have been the Paneer too though.
Or the heat.
Yes, it must be the heat that gave me indigestion!!!!
I have a delicate stomach like you English people heh heh

Mary: John, please join in the call.
Avarachan: I am in the call only. Anjali will speak on my behalf.
The raita was also stinking. Must be bad curds. But bad curds don’t give you stomach upset no? What do you think?
Mary: No idea! I....

Avarachan: you British people eat curds? We call it moru in Malayalam and Dahi in Hindi.
Mary: I am sorry; I do not have time to chat.
Avarachan: No problem, you keep talking!
Mary: !!!!!!

Avarachan: You married? How many kids?
I have three. All boys. Naughty fellows heh heh
Elder fellow is just like me. He gets stomach upset very quickly! When we went to Malayatoor last year, he was having full stomach upset after eating some Ice Cream!
Mary: Bleddy hell!

Avarachan: So what does your husband do? My wife is housewife only.
If you come to India, I take you to Hyderabad Delight. You must taste the Biryani there.
Mary: *groan*

Avarachan: Don’t worry; I will see to that you don’t get stomach upset. I know all the good restaurants here.
Mary: Anjali could you please tell John to stop messaging me!
Avarachan: Btw you know any good home remedies for stomach upset? I think I need to go to the toilet again! These allopathic medicines are so...
Mary: *SLAM!!!!*

According to Mary’s colleagues who sit next to her, she was seen rushing to the toilet to throw up. The call was rescheduled and Avarachan attended it in time this time.

People in the office are not convinced though. They are sure that like every cunning mallu, Avarachan deliberately got it postponed so he can join in time, the second time around. No one knows for sure, but Avarachan is keen to chat with her again. I told him that British people do not like to chat. Avarachan was disappointed but has decided to honor the ‘custom’.

When Mary heard this news from me, her colleagues report that this normally taciturn lady jumped up in the air, let out a whoop and danced around the office in sheer joy shouting "hurrah!!'.


Nona said...

Avarachan is a mallu only no? Smart boys! :)

Liked the reference to curd"s"! :)

N said...

ROTFL! Paavam Mary!

mathew said...

I am a fan of avarachan already! ;-D

Abhilash said...

Lol talk about verbal diarrhoea about diarrhoea. Oh the irony!

Nikhil Menon said...

hehe.. :D I so enjoyed reading this one.. :)

Avarachans exist the world over - dont they? :P


Destiny's child... said...

This was too good!
The true-blue cunning mallu Mr. Avarachan! :D

Annemarie said...

Avrachan rocks!! Awesome post!

Shrutzz said...


Ann said...

haha..what an incredible match there.mary and avarachan !!

Lazith Aziz said...

Avaraan is the man... he is innocent..blame it on the mutton biriyani , moru ...

Mary should know : nature's call is important than con-call.. :-)

Guruji said...

Unrelated question, Avrachan is John or Abraham, or is he John Abraham?

The Holy Lama said...

Avaracho, Ho Ho Ho.:D

One Weird Guy said...

Avarachan is a true blue blooded mallu huh?!!

Vishwamithran said...

madame mary mallufied!!
adipoli!! avaraachoo..ummaahh!!

Anonymous said...

Avarachetane namichu :) ......ask him and do let us know how can we become his disciple.
anyways I'm gonna try it out with my clients next time...

Netra said...

I wonder when mallus will learn to behave. Feeling thoroughly ashamed after reading this!

scorpiogenius said...

Ah, your office needs more incarnations like this to keep a leash on the 'stiff' British bulldogs :P No offense, but your initial few sentences about the lady created a high aristocratic image in my mind.. ;)

nostringsattached said...

ha ha..nice one...btw is Avarachans real name John :D

Rach said...

Hey Mallus don't misbehave .. they're just overly friendly :) its all relative!

Mind Curry said...

lol..too funny..typical..both the disregard for custom and the absolute lack of sense of privacy.

RGB said...

So much for Avarachan!

Ava said...

haha ! I love Avarachan.

hammy said...

Lovely, lovely post... And I simply LOVE the title...

I know a few people who could give Avarachan a run for his money, btw... :D

ajoy said...

It would have been more fun if the Mary of yours were a true blooded grammer-nazi.

Sandeep said...

I enjoyed this thoroughly.. Great going Anjali..

Mallu Avarachanmar's Rock :P

btw, just landed up in your blog through some links.. :)