Sunday, August 23, 2009

A shot gun wedding of the Goan kind!

Warning: Long post ahead!

I am back folks after a couple of days in the sun on Goa’s sandy beaches that I merely saw through the car windows as I rushed about getting things ready for a very dear friends wedding. Dear friend (henceforth referred to as DF) had suddenly decided that she would marry her long-time-boyfriend-whom-her-Dad-hated (hence forth referred to as LTBDH). To make things complicated, her mom too hated her boyfriend’s ponytail though she liked him as a person she said. DF is from one of those wealthy old rich families from Goa. While LTBDH’s ancestors had made it big quite recently like in the early 1800’s which was a clear 200 years after DF’s ancestors had become rich. This made LTBDH a new rich and hence unacceptable. No girl/boy from DF’s ancient family ever married a nouveau riche.

It all started one rainy morning at 3 am when I was asnooze under the warm blanket of knowledge that my phone is off the hook. I am jolted out of my warm security blanket by the strident ringing of the phone in the hallway.

Me: hellllloyawwwwwn!!
DF: You asleep?
Me: No, I was lying here with my eyes closed trying to the break the Guinness Book of World Record in keeping my eyelids closed for the maximum number of hours. It’s been 6 hours now and thanks to you I will not be able to break the world record.
DF: I am in trouble!
Me: That makes you my closest competitor in breaking the Guinness Book of World in getting into trouble.
DF: I think I will die if I don’t marry Brian.
Me: That is sad.
DF: What do you mean sad.
Me: I will never make it to the Guinness Book of World Record for sleeping one night without a call from you at some unearthly hour!
DF: I am going to get married to him tomorrow in Goa.
Me: What!!! Your poor Dad was so close to breaking the Guinness Book of World Record for missing Brian with his shotgun!! Brian is a sitting duck in the church!! Poor man you will spoil his chances too wont you???
DF: I will pick you up at 6 am sharp.
Me: Shall I bring my brain along or shall I leave it in the freezer? I am so close to breaking the Guinness Book of World Record in following your diktats blindly you know?
DF: Shut up and go to sleep!
Me: Ok master! Yipee I just made it to the Guinness Book of World Record by breaking my previous record of following your diktats blindly!
DF: Carry your driving license. You are driving from Davangere onwards.
Me: Why Davangere onwards?
DF: Because the road is really bad from there stupid!
Me: That makes me close to breaking the Guinness Book of World Record in …
DF: *Click*

That just broke the world record in the number of times DF hung up on me I guess!

Anyways after some frantic shopping for wedding clothes that were both elegant and bullet proof, we left for Goa. The journey was uneventful except for Sankey Tank sized craters and Ulsoor Lake sized ditches and Sarjapur Lake sized potholes besides several Lorries lying belly up shamelessly flashing their privates in various angles forcing us to take detours through villages that were perhaps getting visitors from the outside world for the first time.

Villager One: Look! A metal apparition with strange females inside!!!
Villager Two: Naah, that is just the annual clearance sale for elegant and bullet proof wedding clothes.
Villager One: My bad.

We reached Goa in good time, singing “Soni De Nakhre” and “Mind Blowing Mahia” from Cash in off key, severely shrill voices that could be one of the reasons why the lorry drivers gave way so hastily. As soon as we reached DF’s ancestral house err mansion, we were welcomed by a bevy of anxious looking relatives who were looking worried, scared and anxious (in that order).

Mom (anxiously): Your Dad is looking high and low for Brian!
DF: Tell him to clean his rifle scope ma!
Dad: Damn it!! I knew I was doing something wrong!!

The next crisis was the Church. Apparently old Goa churches are not bullet proof nor do they allow guns inside. The latter has nothing to do with the eleventh commandment “Thou shall not kill thy son in law” but more to do with the fact that the Churches are very old and will crumble under the sonic boom of gunfire. To make things worse, DF put her foot down and said that she will get married in their parish Church only and nowhere else. Dad’s eyes glowed with pride. He would finally get to shoot Brian. After much hyperventilation and anxiety attacks we managed to (1) convince her to settle for the convent chapel for the wedding and (2) convince her Uncles to get her Dad sloshed enough to get the Nuptials* over and done with. We did not have much choice but a private chapel was the only way we could keep an eye on Daddy dearest and his rifle.

The wedding went fine.

Priest: Do you DF take LTBDH to be your lawfully wedded husband.
Dad: *hic*
Priest: Do you LTBDH take DF to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Dad: *burrrp*
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife!
Congregation: *whew*
Dad: *snore*

The photo op went fine with Daddy dearest smiling blissfully, the newlyweds looking wary and the relations looking relieved.

The reception went even greater on the green lawns that skirt DF’s ancestral house adjoining the Mandovi river. We took turns dancing with Daddy dearest and keeping him in high spirits. Daddy was the life of the party. He even raised his glass to the newly weds before passing out.

Chicken Xacuti, Prawn Balchao, Pork Sorportel and Vindaloo and hundred other melt in the mouth morsels later, we whisked the newly weds away to their honey moon suite. We had booked two just in case Daddy dearest decided to crash the honeymoon night rifle in tow. We needn’t have bothered. He had passed out for the evening.

Next day when we were leaving for Bangalore, Daddy dearest gave us a present as a token of his appreciation for all the help. It was a highly polished brass bullet from the 19th century he said. Guaranteed to kill an elephant and highly volatile too he said. And a collector’s item to boot.

The journey back very eventful with everyone flinching and covering their ears when we hit a pothole wondering when the volatile gift would explode blowing us to pieces. Someone suggested we throw it out instead of being blown to smithereens. By the time we debated and argued over it, we were in Bangalore. I gingerly handed over the bullet to my dad asking him to be careful. Dad turned it up and down and around while I looked on nervously and declared the bullet... a blank.

No prizes for guessing who cussed the loudest and longest!

But lets look at the bright side here. Daddy dearest and us are even now. Thank god!

* the nuptials is the actual wedding ceremony where the couple exchange vows and are pronounced man and wife.


Rex said...

I choked on the water I was drinking at 'lorries shamelessly flashing their privates'!! :D

skar said...

'Lorries lying belly up shamelessly flashing their privates' is howlarious =))

I am not sure which blog is the right one to post this but a little 1+2 from TP and poomanam suggests that you just gave a whole new definition to a tourist spending time blending with the locals :|

Grayquill said...

Did you set a Guinness record for good food at a wedding?

thomas said...

lol, seems like a fun wedding holiday you people had. :) But too bad you couldn't meet some baywatch boys over there ;)

Bullshee said...

Ha! I've heard about Shotgun weddings where the Dad takes responsibility to point it directly at the guy's temple until he says that magic "I do" and consummates the marriage.Ok, he probably waits outside politely for the second bit...

However, this is the first time I've heard of a father so adamant to blow off the head of his future son-in-law, ponytail and all!

Maybe he was just reverse psychologizing them??

Jim said...

That must be a Guinness record for longest post :-)

Good thing all the lakes in Bengaluru are dried up, else you would have needed a submarine to reach Goa.

silverine said...

Rex: :)

Karthik: Locals? We are like natives in Goa!

Grayquill: Unfortunately no. Cannot eat much when you are tensed! :p

Thomas: Baywatch boys? We had more pressing matters to attend to ! ;) But it indeed was a fun trip!

Bullshee: lol! I do not think it was reverse psychology!, Just ego! :)

Jim: We still have a lot of lakes in Bangalore!

Amey said...

Were you going for world record in mentioning Guinness Book of World Records maximum times in a post?

Destiny's child... said...

Sounds like a very happening trip! Bullet proof weddign

hammy said...

"Sankey Tank sized craters and Ulsoor Lake sized ditches and Sarjapur Lake sized potholes"

Hmm... Why did you go to Goa via Cochin? Rather a long detour, by my opinion. Or are you trying to imply there are Sankey Tank sized craters and Ulsoor Lake sized ditches and Sarjapur Lake sized potholes OUTSIDE Cochin as well? Disturbing.

I hope ur DF has long term plans on Hubby-saving protocols. Maybe I'm overly pessimistic, but keeping daddy dearest (DD) drunk seems to be a short term strategy at best. And let's not forget, the strategy has its own drawbacks as well... If DD has to bid adieu to sobriety everytime the son-in-law comes in the cross hairs, there is a consistent danger of running out of the restoratives at cocktail hour.

For what it's worth, my congrats and best wishes to DF and the elusive LTBDH,NHH (LTBDH, Now Her Husband)

Nona said...

Phewwww.. Finally DF and LTBDH got married and you are safely back in Bangalore!

Never thought lorries will be flashing! Or is it mooning?

Good twist from DF's papa!

Anyways, you provided a good laugh! Just what I needed for beginning the week

Aniket Thakkar said...

Dayum! I was soo waiting for a gunfight in the end. Not a single shot fired! I was picturing you running in slow-motion just in time to save LTBDH and taking a bullet for him. Such a disappointment. :D :D :D

This would be the world record for any reader to get anyhow disappointed by one of your posts, right? :P

You are such a hoot! I'll most definitely hire you as my wedding planner. How much do you charge?:)

Kiran said...

You must have set a Guiness record for maximum number of narrowly missed Guiness records :P

Anyways, I landed here from DesiPundit .. and am having a hard time trying to explain to colleagues why I'm ROTFL in office ..The craters and trucks and villagers pieces were absolutely hilarious.

I think this is not the first time I arrived here .. and I'm kicking myself for not adding you to my feed reader last time 'round. Anyways .. not too late. Doing it now.

And oh .. btw .. goes without saying that I'm linking to this post! Keep rocking. Cheers.

phoenix said...

ROTFL!!! Gawd I cannot stop laughing... =))A brilliantly funny and alarmingly insightful post on the things we have to do for our friends.

EspritNoir said...

brilliantly funny, as usual! although i must ask, did u accidently reveal LTBDH's real name somewhere in the phone conversation with DF? in the context, LTBDH sounded way funnier that his real name. just thought i'd point it out, in case u meant his identity to be kept under wraps...


Safari Al said...

Ah weddings...I attended a couple of work-friends' wedding last month (yeah..they were getting married to each other) and there was much argument about my ladki-wale-ness and ladke-wale-ness.

I simply chose to wear shady clothes and walk around with fancy new camera (my latest spoil) and even the waiters ignored me. Which was ok.

But downside - bride's very extremely cute cousin, I suspect, thought I really was a lowly wedding photographer with little-to-no-skills. Damn!!!

Adorable Pancreas said...

The villagers' conversation cracked me up. :)

Dreamer said...

Lol :), though ultimately all parents at some point or another do wish to take a shotgun to their son/daughter's spouse :)

Sriram said...

Dad: *hic*
Somehow your posts doused with the alcohol element are ROFL!!

Browser said...

I can smell the Feni all the way here :-)

silverine said...

Thank you for your valuable comments dear friends. Please excuse me (again). Work sort of tied me down and I wasn't able to reply to you all individually! *Hugs* to you all!

Smudged Sensibilities said...

A lil late in commenting but have to join my two bits to the others.
Its just hilarious. Not having much knowledge of this country it was doubly enjoyable.

Great great writing!