Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Gross connections

Mr. K.P.M.G. Nair (KPMGN in short), the contractor was an agitated man. Employees were not using the phones correctly he said and he was justifiably agitated.

“This is imbowssible” he fumed. ‘How difficult is it to masder a simble telephone!” he thundered.

Wiping the spittle spray from my face, I replied timidly “It is very simble indeed”

“Are you maging fun of me?” he asked belligerently.

Imbossible” I exclaimed. “I would never do such a think

“Hmm...you mind it!!! I know awl about you. You are the jawker of this ofis I know.”

“That was a hurtful thing to say…sob” I said with a pseudo heart broken look that works all the time.

Ogay! Ogay! I yam sowree. But these peobles are getting on my nurves

“Maybe I gan helb you err I mean, maybe I can help you” I said acting like I was thinging err thinking hard.

Haow?” queried Nair

“I will make some posters exblaining err explaining the use of the phone in clear illustrations!”

“You dawnt know these peoble!” said Nair shaking his head. “They will gum and asg me to esplane the posters.”

“Trust me! I will ensure that it doesn’t happen!”

"Trust and you?? Lasd dime I trusted you I yended up in the pawleece station”

“Ahem…that was an accident”

Widh you there are no accidents. Only incidents!”

“Mr. Nair, how about the posters!” I asked interjecting quickly.

“Very well. Bud if dey gum asging esplanations, I yam sending them to you!”

I got the posters done and they were put up in prominent places around the floor and conference rooms. That evening I got a call from Nair.

Anjalee what have you gone and wridden in the poster?
Nothing! We have used only illustrations!
We are getting full gross connections!!
That is what I yam asging you!

That night I tossed and turned in my bed. Horrible images of getting the illustrations mixed up and the resultant chaos and the accusing eyes of my colleagues haunted me. Next day I went early to the office and saw that the posters were perfectly done. I sat down wearily at my chair and picked up the phone to call home. My weariness vanished when I heard Mr. Nair’s recorded voice.

To talk – lifd phone up
To dial an Yes T D number, dial sero followed by your Phone Identity Number (PIN) followed by the Yes T D code of the city followed by the number.
To dial an ISD number, dial sero followed by your PIN followed by the coundry code followed by the phone number.
When you hear dial tone, say “Allo??”

Phone lines have jammed in the office with everyone very keen on learning to say “Allo??” Some people have even recorded the “Allo??” as their caller tune.

But the lines of communication are open again. All thangs to K.P.M.G.N!!

No offense meand err meant to anyone please!!


Useless Bugger said...


You are the Lola Kutty of the literary world. :-)

Anonymous said...

ROTFL!!! Gross connections was too good!

Niraj Deshpande said...

I hate to laugh, but the thought of Vijayan erasing that message is too funny :-))

silverine said...

Parikshith: Now you know that Lola is no fake! :)

Phoenix: :p

Niraj: It was funnier to see his face when he heard that message! LOL!!

thomas said...

Reminds me of one of my teacher who says "I daant waant yeny eggsplanations; I knaa that you are a clevere chape".

@parikshith: I agree; she's the new Lolakutty. lol Why didn't I think of that. :))

mathew said...

LOL!! nice one..
Klynveld Peat Marwick Goerdeler Nair!! never knew they were phaamly.

skar said...

It took me a second to figure out 'gross connections'! :)

And what's with all the comments?! They seem like responses to a different post? Who is Lola Kutty? And Vijayan? I re-read the post to see if I missed some names but I didn't!

Sriram said...

"allo" as a caller tune.. cool!

A Nair said...


My biology teacher would refer to 'tentacles' as 'tentagles! Took us some time to decipher that. She was a mallu!

Grayquill said...

Oh....Silverline -I think you are a trouble maker or maybe trouble just follows you. Your descrpition of you Nair had me rolling. To funny. How do you write like that? You must be a phonics expert. Great Post!

Gauri said...



seemply soopurb!


Jim said...

Heh heh... well at least Nair saar didn't try to teach you "Condom Physics"!

hammy said...

"You are the jawker of this ofis I know."

How insulting, Anjs. How so very insulting. How dare he limit your boundaries? After all this time; after all your hard work, he implies that you are a jawker just in your ofis?

The next time he cracks an insulting and insensitive line like that, just direct him to us. There are thousands of Silverine fans who would testify "Dis Seelvareen garl is dea jawker auf de entair baingalore seaty, if nat de hole auf eendiya"

And we'll mean it too.

hammy said...

Oh, don't blame your concentration or eyesight. You won't find references to those names in the post. No need to rush those eyewear prescriptions. :D

Lola Kutty is an MTV character, if I remember right... a comedic exaggeration of Keralite accent who seembly tauks layik dis-u. She became a cultural meme of some impact in subsequent years.

As far as I can make out, Vijayan is one of Anj's colleagues, who apparently has a cultural meme following of his own. :D

Annie said...

If American English can get identified and accepted as equal to british English, why can't Mallu English(Manglish)?Afterall it s all grossly connected with Sanskrit family.

Anonymous said...

Owsum! I can almost hear him speak!

Anonymous said...

Isn't it "possders" instead of posters?


skar said...

@Hammy: Ah, MTV character. I guessed she must be some celeb of some sort in some non-literary world :| And Vijayan, yes, your hunch would seem to be on the mark. I just wanted in on the private joke :p

p.s: I pray, sincerely pray, that Nair never ever uses the idiomatic sentence "i want to hear it straight from the mouth of the horse!" :|

Agnostic Indian said...

If you look at most American sitcoms, they have an "English" character and they make fun of his accent and his tendency to drink tea at all times.
When I first started working in the UK, our big team had just one American. The Brits used to refer him as the man with weird accent. Made me wonder what they used to say about me.

Nona said...

ogay ogay! simbly great!

Anonymous said...

Lola darling you are the best! lol


Howling Wolf said...

Bunderphul.... fhayengram thannae

Me said...

you simbly ROCK!!
i laowww reading your post silverine..
you are the Connect who makes me cherish my malayali roots even further
Thang you Kutty :)

Thoorika said...

Why did he end up at pawleece station last time?!? :D

Anonymous said...

ROFL...theat was zimbbly superb post :)

Aniket Thakkar said...

I gate tu liscain to a lote of crape being a gujju.

But boy o' boy, do I love reading your posts.

Osum Post!

PS: On teacher's day we created a poster and asked our Maths teacher to read it on the mike. It said "Vadilal Ice-cream M M"

Tee Hee! :P

Destiny's child... said...

Lol...too good! :D

RukmaniRam said...

lola kutty reference funny!

riddhiculous said...

Simble solution for grand problem. :D great great work i am proud of u girl.hehhehe. this is hilarious.. lol..heheheahhahaha

Bullshee said...

Oh God, I was in dire need of a laugh and that last line had me wiping tears of joy from my eyes!!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Still chuckling....he he he...

slash\\ said...

You grossed lines with your contractor? Now you wait and see. He'll break your Telebones.

Dreamer said...

Oh my goat(also known to non mallus as god)! .had a good chuckle at that one.

silverine said...

Thomas: Lolakutty...hmmm I can live with that though I feel she overdoes it a bit :)

Mathew: KPMG is looking for you! Watch your back! :|

Karthik: Vijayan is our Admin Mgr who got a shock when he heard the unauthorized message! :)

Sriram: I know!

A Nair: lol!

Grayquill: Thank you! Happy to know you enjoyed this! :)

gkam: Thangyou! :p

Jim: LOL!!! Sheesh!

Hammy: hehe another chamaat coming your way for that! Yes I do have violent tendencies :p And thanks for exblaining Lola in your inimitable way! :)

Annie: "Glosely" connected you mean! :)

Indiashoes: :)

Hyde: You are right! :)

Karthik: LOL!! You have heard the joke about a certain brand of malted milk hot drink I presume :|

Angnostic Indian: :D

Nona: Thank you! :)

Anon: Thank you kutta! :p

Howling wolf: lol! Thank you! :)

Me: Thank you dear! Great to hear that! :)

Thoorika: For rushing him to deliver something without Sales Tax Bill! :p

Anish: Thank you! :)

Aniket: LOL!! Bad boy!!!

Destinys child: Thank you girl! :)

Rukmani: Lola seems to be vairy popular! :)

Riddhi: You are right. KPMG is a genius!! Sadly the admin people erased the message! :p

Bullshee: Great to hear that buddy!! :)

Slash: hehe! Telebones was good! :)

Intrepid dreamer: 'Oh my goat' was perfect!!! :))

skar said...

@Silverine: I thought I was bad, but you are downright horrible! :O :))

@Interpid dreamer: 'Oh my goat' is hilarious! =))

SM said...

Sorry for posting this so late - was having a good laugh when my cousing posted me his comments:

"This is noat good alle, you are maeging fun of our waey of toaging.

If we are goaying to toalg about you Gannadikas, you peobLe will throw stoaNes at us.

Just begoaze we are bees laving peoble you taike advantaige oaf us. "

Confession time - we are "bees laving" kannadigas, who are foreever trying to talk M(allu)English!


silverine said...

SM: lol! You had me there for a minute. There are several people in my office too who love to talk mallufied English! :)