Sunday, November 25, 2007

Emotionally Yours!

Flash News!!

New Delhi: European aircraft maker Airbus Industrie is in talks with flag carrier Air India for sale of up to 12 super jumbo A-380 planes according to this Yahoo news. At a joint press conference in the capital, (where this reporter was debarred from attending, but she attended anyways by threatening to write a blog about Air India's service), attended by the COO of Airbus and The President of Air India, the Airbus CEO said that "we are hoping to close the deal as soon as we can before the world runs out of aviation fuel err I mean we are hoping to close this deal so that we can deliver the aircrafts as soon as we can."

The long range aircraft can enable an airline to fly to Delhi-Los Angles or Delhi-New York non-stop. The Airbus COO said he was considering Air India’s customization request and hoped to see the customized A-380 in Indian skies in the near future.

Speaking on the occasion the AI President said, that Air India will only accept aircrafts that are customized to its special requirements. When quizzed by the Press about the customization required by Air India, the AI President elaborated that to begin with, all its Airbus A-380’s will carry a multi specialty Geriatric hospital for its old stewards and stewardesses with complex medical, functional and psychosocial problems. This is to ensure that accurate diagnosis and appropriate treatment is given so that the AI cabin Crew, who will all be in their 80’s when the aircrafts are delivered, do not have to endure long lengths of stay in acute care.

The AI President said that the airline's goal is to prevent disability and restore its geriatric cabin crew to their highest possible level of independent functioning. This statement was greeted with thunderous applause by the AI Union members who left the bar to give the President a standing applause. After which they promptly went back to the bar and filling their bags with liquor, ice containers, bottle openers, peanuts, napkins etc. The bar tender said that this was the usual practice with AI staff and they were prepared for this eventuality. He didn’t elaborate how.

Secondly, the AI President said that the aisles of the customized aircraft will be at least 36 inches between objects so that its geriatric Air Hostesses and Stewards can easily navigate their wheelchairs or walkers.

Thirdly Aircraft lights will have plenty of options so that older eyes are not strained. The toilets will also be customised with rubber suction-grip mats to prevent slipping and grab bars on toilet wall to help with getting in or out of the toilet easier and safer for the geriatric crew.

Further, the aircraft galley will have a seated work area for food preparation tasks with close access to galley equipment so that AI's geriatric cabin crews have a comfortable work location.

Cabin Crew seats will provide good back support and special geriatric cushioning for comfort and the cushions will be securely fitted to the chair.

The customized Air India A-380 will provide adequate, easily accessible storage that doesn't require reaching, bending or straining by its senior cabin crew.

Firm yet comfortable beds with easy onto and off access with appropriate support and comfort will ensure that the senior staff will have a comfortable sleep during flights.

Passengers will be provided all their meal requirements in a sack while boarding so that they do not disturb the cabin crew too much.

And finally, the AI President said that all passengers desirous of traveling in the Air India A 380, will have to go through a six weeks intensive training at the Air India Institute of Graduate Certification in Geriatric Care Management.

Breaking news!!!

News has just come in that in one of the worst cases of poisoning caused by the consumption of illicit liquor, 400 Air India staffers were hospitalized in Delhi. Many who were in hospital have now been discharged, but they would probably suffer from side effects including an aversion to free liquor and possibly even a life time loss of taste for free peanuts. Watch this space for more news.


Adorable Pancreas said...

Air India - warm treatment and motherly care. Warm because the AC does not work, and motherly because the air hostesses are your mom's age. :)

Amey said...

You write posts like this and then wonder why you don't get good service on AI flights?

Incidentally, I read AI is starting cost-cutting measures. So, I presume now the air-hostesses will not be wearing make-up.

unforgiven said...

It's bad; it's not THAT bad.
Though this made me think of something different, what WILL happen when petroleum runs out.

Cars, can run on other things. But these giant aircraft?

I somehow don't see CNG quite as a viable alternative for generating 336000 lbs of thrust :\

Wanderlust said...

Travelling in AI is more than just a plane journey..It is a lesson in morality and demonsatrates how we should be taking care of our old ...the true assets of our country.
Even their mascot the Maharaja suffered from severe spondylitis and back pain..We should be more considerate Silverine !!!

silverine said...

AP: That sounds wonderful. Wish it were put to practise, I mean the motherly care bit :))

amey: "So I presume now the air-hostesses will not be wearing make-up" LOL!!! That was a good one!

unforgiven: Exactly! Wonder if AI will take the fuel factor into consideration while buying these aircrafts. Anyways look at the bright side, if these aircarfts are grounded we can still use the multispeciality geriatric hospital :p

Wanderlust: That was so touching! *sniff* I guess I should be more considerate :(
*really evil smile* :p

Balanarayan NT said...

I like the anti-climax =)

Amey said...

Ooh... new fuel for aircraft. Now there's a post in there somewhere. Maybe the economy airlines can go back to the days of Wright bro's, and ask people to work a bit.

Incidentally, that would be an additional advertising point. "Fly with us, and reduce 50 lbs." and so on...

But seriously, have you ever wondered if there is cause-effect relation between your posts and the service you get?

Anonymous said...

The bottomline is that government has no business to be in business. BTW, recently read that ritu beri had designed the uniform for the crew of newly created AI. Must have been the toughest assignment in her life!

mathew said...

technically speaking I would like to emphasise that the A380 can accomodate 555 passengers in its standard configuration..If you can remove the seat and make passengers sit on the can easily increase it to round about 1300 seats..if u intent to further cut cost by avoiding the pilots, stewards and airhostesses u can make it 1400...

and logically speaking the intent of AI to have older people on board is coz they fly closest to heaven at that heights and it is sheer hope that somehow they will reach out there that keeps AI flying the "antiques"..;-P

P.S.Am fwding this one to few folks out here who really work on the 380..dont be surprised if some german mails you asking for corporate consultancy..;-P

Anonymous said...

hmmm..Frankly this is one of your less impressive pieces, looks rushed...Waiting for your next, as always

SP said...

Good one!!! You must do these "news" pieces more often.

Mind Curry said...

absolutely hilarious silverine..laughed a lot..i just got back after a lot of flying..

you know..recently i was surprised to know that Indian stopped flights on a particular sector - although that particular flight was ALWAYS full and overbooked. it felt very strange and i checked with one of the indian staff..he said "theres something fishy" and that some top management at indian would have received some kickbacks from private airlines. although usually i dont believe such claims from people, and would like to dismiss it as an usual indian response, withdrawing that flight (and possibly many other flights and such policies) definitely seem dubious and no wonder india is so messed up.

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

I've never flown Air India.

But on the Delhi-Cal sector on Indian, I HAVE seen a stewardess with false teeth and an obvious wig.