Friday, February 24, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Hair Racing ideas!
Disclaimer: Guys reading this post may experience uncomfortable pressure, pain in the center of the chest lasting more than a few minutes besides chest discomfort with lightheadedness, fainting, sweating, nausea or shortness of breath and feeling of impending doom. Read at your own risk.
Saturday dawned bright and sunny and I am greeted by the lovely sound of chirping birds and a peculiar whine, which sounded awfully like a cross between a Dentist’s drill and a constipated Bumble Bee. Very penetrating. Upon inspection I found that it was actually the sound of a puke green colored car that my brother was driving over a barren landscape grievously injuring many other motorists on his computer monitor. By now everyone knows I don’t like treeless landscapes and this place where he was driving this car really needed some urgent landscaping. Apart from some Palm trees (ugh they grow in deserts) and endless asphalt roads there was nothing else to see on the monitor. I casually ask my brother why there were no gardens or pretty lakes next to the road where he is driving this ugly looking contraption. "SILENCE"
As a kid my Dad told me something that I will remember for a long time. He said: “If your brother doesn’t listen to you, press the 'Escape' key on his keyboard.” He even showed me the 'Escape’ key. I think I learnt E.S.C.A.P.E before A.B.C.D.E.F. Since then I have won many wars and arguments by merely threatening to press the 'Escape’ key.
Me: Give me your cell phone*
Brother: Over my dead body
Me: (making a buzzing noise and moving finger towards 'escape' key)
Brother: Ok, ok, take it grrrrrrrrr
(* can be replaced by money, CD’s, pens, you name it you will get it)
So I press the ‘Escape’ key, the game comes to a halt and I get a split second look of utter disbelief before he resumes his zombie like gaze into the monitor. ( Jeez what did I do wrong????)
After staring at the dreary scenery of the “Lets mangle and kill each other I” game it dawned on me suddenly why we girls are not so much into PC games. No self-respecting girl will feel like driving in such tasteless surroundings. However... if you were to only put in tree lined avenues, flowers and trees and perhaps a fountain or two then you might actually get girls interested in the game. We wouldn’t mind a couple of gamboling deers or squirrels too. Of course there will be minus points if you run them over. Better still, the player who runs over the deers or drives into the garden destroying the flowers will be debarred from life to play a PC game, playstation or video game. What a brilliant idea!
I press the 'Escape' key once again and tell my brother the brilliant idea. There is sheer murder in his eyes. (What did I do wrong now??? )
Now that I think about it even the cars in Need for Speed can be spruced up and made more interesting. At present they look positively ugly. Period. No self respecting girl will drive a car that has Pennzoil and Goodyear written all over them. Why not make the cars look snazzy with some bright colors? How about Summer Reds, Meadow Greens, Sunshine Yellows and Aquamarine Blues in the “Lets mangle and kill each other 2”? The cars will look so pretty. And how about some pretty designs on the cars like floral motifs, random brush strokes of bright colors, colorful speckles etc. My car would definitely have my doggie’s face painted on it.
I press the 'escape’ key once again to tell him about this stroke of genius. If looks could vaporize I would be an atom by now.
I mentally make a note of exploring the profession of a Virtual Games Designer. I am sure it has potential. I press the ‘Escape’ key once again and tell my brother my path breaking idea and get another split second and a half look of pure terror like that moment before I dented his bike with the car. Don’t judge him too harshly. He has this important job of finishing this lap in 75695375 microseconds you see or his team members will vault across the monitor and clobber him.
I am right now in the process of writing to these game manufacturers with my visionary ideas. All you guys there get ready for some colorful and interesting editions of future Virtual games.
p.s. Any of you guys feeling the symptoms I have described in the disclaimer may please hurry to the nearest hospital These are classic symptoms of a Heart Attack.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyone who would like to help lil handicapped kids please click here ~ Silverine
Saturday dawned bright and sunny and I am greeted by the lovely sound of chirping birds and a peculiar whine, which sounded awfully like a cross between a Dentist’s drill and a constipated Bumble Bee. Very penetrating. Upon inspection I found that it was actually the sound of a puke green colored car that my brother was driving over a barren landscape grievously injuring many other motorists on his computer monitor. By now everyone knows I don’t like treeless landscapes and this place where he was driving this car really needed some urgent landscaping. Apart from some Palm trees (ugh they grow in deserts) and endless asphalt roads there was nothing else to see on the monitor. I casually ask my brother why there were no gardens or pretty lakes next to the road where he is driving this ugly looking contraption. "SILENCE"
As a kid my Dad told me something that I will remember for a long time. He said: “If your brother doesn’t listen to you, press the 'Escape' key on his keyboard.” He even showed me the 'Escape’ key. I think I learnt E.S.C.A.P.E before A.B.C.D.E.F. Since then I have won many wars and arguments by merely threatening to press the 'Escape’ key.
Me: Give me your cell phone*
Brother: Over my dead body
Me: (making a buzzing noise and moving finger towards 'escape' key)
Brother: Ok, ok, take it grrrrrrrrr
(* can be replaced by money, CD’s, pens, you name it you will get it)
So I press the ‘Escape’ key, the game comes to a halt and I get a split second look of utter disbelief before he resumes his zombie like gaze into the monitor. ( Jeez what did I do wrong????)
After staring at the dreary scenery of the “Lets mangle and kill each other I” game it dawned on me suddenly why we girls are not so much into PC games. No self-respecting girl will feel like driving in such tasteless surroundings. However... if you were to only put in tree lined avenues, flowers and trees and perhaps a fountain or two then you might actually get girls interested in the game. We wouldn’t mind a couple of gamboling deers or squirrels too. Of course there will be minus points if you run them over. Better still, the player who runs over the deers or drives into the garden destroying the flowers will be debarred from life to play a PC game, playstation or video game. What a brilliant idea!
I press the 'Escape' key once again and tell my brother the brilliant idea. There is sheer murder in his eyes. (What did I do wrong now??? )
Now that I think about it even the cars in Need for Speed can be spruced up and made more interesting. At present they look positively ugly. Period. No self respecting girl will drive a car that has Pennzoil and Goodyear written all over them. Why not make the cars look snazzy with some bright colors? How about Summer Reds, Meadow Greens, Sunshine Yellows and Aquamarine Blues in the “Lets mangle and kill each other 2”? The cars will look so pretty. And how about some pretty designs on the cars like floral motifs, random brush strokes of bright colors, colorful speckles etc. My car would definitely have my doggie’s face painted on it.
I press the 'escape’ key once again to tell him about this stroke of genius. If looks could vaporize I would be an atom by now.
I mentally make a note of exploring the profession of a Virtual Games Designer. I am sure it has potential. I press the ‘Escape’ key once again and tell my brother my path breaking idea and get another split second and a half look of pure terror like that moment before I dented his bike with the car. Don’t judge him too harshly. He has this important job of finishing this lap in 75695375 microseconds you see or his team members will vault across the monitor and clobber him.
I am right now in the process of writing to these game manufacturers with my visionary ideas. All you guys there get ready for some colorful and interesting editions of future Virtual games.
p.s. Any of you guys feeling the symptoms I have described in the disclaimer may please hurry to the nearest hospital These are classic symptoms of a Heart Attack.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyone who would like to help lil handicapped kids please click here ~ Silverine
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Reigning Men
A new government took charge in the State recently. The new Chief Minister has reassured worried Road Contractorsgalu that road works will begin soon. Mr K Kowda the President of the Road Contractors Association of Karnataka whose net worth is reported to be around 100 crores said that the stoppage of all road works in the past two years had hit the contractors very hard. Many of them were now living under the poverty line of 25 cores, which is even worse than the conditions of contractors in Bihar. The pathetic condition of contractors has made International headlines when the Washington Post reported: “Bangalore roads? Whatiteez?”
Struck by poverty and extreme hunger for money many contractors have resolved to kill themselves by drinking a bottle of Blue Label every hour. Speaking on behalf of the association Mr Kowda told a Press conference “hic”.
The new CM had to personally intervene to avert this tragedy of hepatitanic proportions. Better sense prevailed after the CM assured them that road work will start immediately. To help the impoverished contractors the CM assured them that roads under 10 mm thickness will be accepted by Government Inspectors for a small ‘conversion fee’. The contractors have since gone back to drinking a bottle of Blue Label a day.
Soon after taking over the Gaddi the new CM noted that the Treasury of the highest VAT earning State in India was absolutely empty save for a few shovels and a wheelbarrow that was found inside the treasury room. He immediately asked each of his ministers to donate the loose change in their pocket to replenish the treasury. Soon after, a Press Release from the CM’s office said, "the Karnataka Treasury Funds have just exceeded the Central Govt. Treasury".
The CM is reportedly very happy with the event and declared at a Press Conference, “I am so happy!”
The Corporator’s Association has expressed happiness at the sweeping changes in the land laws proposed by the new CM. A spokesperson said, “The new laws will generate more revenues er... avenues. Citizens can get the Fine Rates for different land violations by SMS’ing B.R.I.B.E to 4200.”
Meanwhile a sub division of the Road Contractors Association, the Pothole Contractors Association has decried the government’s move to accept roads that are 10 mm thick. While speaking to reporters, a spokesperson for the association said, "Such thick roads will deprive us of our daily bread". When asked by a reporter what he meant by that statement, the spokesperson said, “Mind your own business”.
An association of employees of the RTO, BDA and other government departments met the CM and complained about the work disruption in government offices due to the Lok Ayukta raids. The CM firmly stood his ground and said that his promise of more powers to the Lok Ayukta stands. However for the smooth running of the government offices the CM has decreed that the Lok Ayukta will now have to give its schedule of raids in advance. A spokesperson of the Employees Union declined to comment when quizzed by reporters and instead showed his middle finger to the camera man of Karnataka Times, a widely read daily, rumored to be read even by the Lok Ayukta Chief.
And for the last bit of news. The CM attended a high level State Cabinet meeting to kick start the Bangalore Infrastructure Rejuvenation Programme, however no resolution could be passed, as he was the only attendee. In a press conference after the meeting, he told reporters “hmph”.
Struck by poverty and extreme hunger for money many contractors have resolved to kill themselves by drinking a bottle of Blue Label every hour. Speaking on behalf of the association Mr Kowda told a Press conference “hic”.
The new CM had to personally intervene to avert this tragedy of hepatitanic proportions. Better sense prevailed after the CM assured them that road work will start immediately. To help the impoverished contractors the CM assured them that roads under 10 mm thickness will be accepted by Government Inspectors for a small ‘conversion fee’. The contractors have since gone back to drinking a bottle of Blue Label a day.
Soon after taking over the Gaddi the new CM noted that the Treasury of the highest VAT earning State in India was absolutely empty save for a few shovels and a wheelbarrow that was found inside the treasury room. He immediately asked each of his ministers to donate the loose change in their pocket to replenish the treasury. Soon after, a Press Release from the CM’s office said, "the Karnataka Treasury Funds have just exceeded the Central Govt. Treasury".
The CM is reportedly very happy with the event and declared at a Press Conference, “I am so happy!”
The Corporator’s Association has expressed happiness at the sweeping changes in the land laws proposed by the new CM. A spokesperson said, “The new laws will generate more revenues er... avenues. Citizens can get the Fine Rates for different land violations by SMS’ing B.R.I.B.E to 4200.”
Meanwhile a sub division of the Road Contractors Association, the Pothole Contractors Association has decried the government’s move to accept roads that are 10 mm thick. While speaking to reporters, a spokesperson for the association said, "Such thick roads will deprive us of our daily bread". When asked by a reporter what he meant by that statement, the spokesperson said, “Mind your own business”.
An association of employees of the RTO, BDA and other government departments met the CM and complained about the work disruption in government offices due to the Lok Ayukta raids. The CM firmly stood his ground and said that his promise of more powers to the Lok Ayukta stands. However for the smooth running of the government offices the CM has decreed that the Lok Ayukta will now have to give its schedule of raids in advance. A spokesperson of the Employees Union declined to comment when quizzed by reporters and instead showed his middle finger to the camera man of Karnataka Times, a widely read daily, rumored to be read even by the Lok Ayukta Chief.
And for the last bit of news. The CM attended a high level State Cabinet meeting to kick start the Bangalore Infrastructure Rejuvenation Programme, however no resolution could be passed, as he was the only attendee. In a press conference after the meeting, he told reporters “hmph”.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Things I love to hate!
I have been tagged by Supremus. I have to list the things that makes me annoyed enough to go grrrrrrrr. So here's my hit/hate list!
1. People who spit on the road ( for gods sake other people have to walk, not wade)
2. Guys who look for Trophy Wife/Girlfriend
3. I hate people who judge others by looks alone. (Facial skin doesn’t impress me)
4. People without a sense of humor.
5. I hate apathy of any kind.
6. People who have no concern for the Environment.
7. Poachers.
8. Religious bigots.
9. People who are cruel to animals.
10. People who don’t care for their parents or aged.
11. People who cut down trees.
12. Hypocrites.
13. Liars.
14. Gossipers and rumormongers.
15. Guys and gals who cheat on their boyfriends and girlfriends.
16. People who make fun of South Indians.
17. NRI’s who complain and grumble about India.
18. Show offs and Pseudos.
19. Politicians.
20. The ISI (Yeah the paki baddies).
21. People who litter and people who use plastic bags.
22. Guy’s wearing ear rings.
23. Low waist jeans.
24. The ever growing shanties in the Nilgiris.
25. Builders who ravage green lands and do not plant trees around the buildings.
26. Treeless landscapes.
27. Wasting water.
28. People who litter.
29. Guys who behave like complete jerks in the movie theater during romantic scenes.
30. Guys who pass lewd comments at girls.
31. Hot weather / Summer
32. People who place their religion, caste, creed or State above the nation.
33. Companies that use pet bottles for their products but do not collect them back for recycling.
34. Foreign MNC’s who pay scant regard to the laws in India they are so careful about abroad.
35. Our outdated laws and education system.
I am supposed to pass on this tag. And the lucky ones are Mind Currry, Alexis Leon,Deepa, Praveen, doctor pissed, Arti Honrao.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!
1. People who spit on the road ( for gods sake other people have to walk, not wade)
2. Guys who look for Trophy Wife/Girlfriend
3. I hate people who judge others by looks alone. (Facial skin doesn’t impress me)
4. People without a sense of humor.
5. I hate apathy of any kind.
6. People who have no concern for the Environment.
7. Poachers.
8. Religious bigots.
9. People who are cruel to animals.
10. People who don’t care for their parents or aged.
11. People who cut down trees.
12. Hypocrites.
13. Liars.
14. Gossipers and rumormongers.
15. Guys and gals who cheat on their boyfriends and girlfriends.
16. People who make fun of South Indians.
17. NRI’s who complain and grumble about India.
18. Show offs and Pseudos.
19. Politicians.
20. The ISI (Yeah the paki baddies).
21. People who litter and people who use plastic bags.
22. Guy’s wearing ear rings.
23. Low waist jeans.
24. The ever growing shanties in the Nilgiris.
25. Builders who ravage green lands and do not plant trees around the buildings.
26. Treeless landscapes.
27. Wasting water.
28. People who litter.
29. Guys who behave like complete jerks in the movie theater during romantic scenes.
30. Guys who pass lewd comments at girls.
31. Hot weather / Summer
32. People who place their religion, caste, creed or State above the nation.
33. Companies that use pet bottles for their products but do not collect them back for recycling.
34. Foreign MNC’s who pay scant regard to the laws in India they are so careful about abroad.
35. Our outdated laws and education system.
I am supposed to pass on this tag. And the lucky ones are Mind Currry, Alexis Leon,Deepa, Praveen, doctor pissed, Arti Honrao.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!
Friday, February 10, 2006
Some Facts and Figures
Disclaimer: This is another rant about Income Tax. So anyone who is fed of this topic may please get back to your auditor and PAY THOSE TAXES!!!!
You know you are an Income Tax asessee when:
1. You save the whole year to tide over the year-end salary cut.
2. You are on first name basis with Medical Shop owners.
3. Medical Shop Owners stop stocking medicines and start making profits by selling you Medical Bills.
4. You read up on "Acne/coarse hair/oily face/appraisal frustrations/homicidal tendencies towards Manager" etc. and research the medicines available in the market for it and then give the list to the pharmacist to include in your medical bill.
5. Medical Shop Owners hate you.
6. You ask the accountant if the accessory you bought for your bike can come under ‘Educational Expense’.
7. You ask the accountant advice on Tax loopholes.
8. The accountant hates you.
9. You make sure you make Rs.XYZ worth of calls ONLY because you are allowed only so much in reimbursement.
10. You go to bookstores browse for books related to your profession and leave without purchasing anything after you have written down names and price of books.
11. Book shop owners hate you.
12. You know railway and airfares by heart. You start giving advice for a small fee to people on the most complicated and tortuous route to take according to their LTA.
13. Railway reservation clerks grin when they see you and enquire when you will be back for the cancellation when you go to buy a ticket.
14. Indian Railways love you. Your cancellations fees help make their loss figures a little less damning. (Please note Mr. Chidambaram)
15. Your landlord stops working and starts living off the 50% share he gets from the hiked rental bill he gives you every month.
16. Landlords look on you as a Retirement Scheme. (Please note this too Mr. Chidambaram)
17. Your wallet has more Bills than Bills (notes).
18. You tell your Investment Consultant that you want to invest exactly Rs.XYZ as that is the magic figure you need to avoid the Tax axe.
19. You check if you have paid interest on that Dinner Set/Gas Stove/Iron etc you bought by paying in EMI.
20. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that your salary doesn’t get deducted at source.
21. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show that flight to Dubai as “Business related travel expense”
22. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show that six figure telephone bills as “Business related calls”.
23. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show all your food bills as “Business Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner etc.”
24. You realize Entrepreneurship is too much of a hassle and you rather sit in your comfy office and be sure of a salary at the end of the month. But you still hate Taxes.
25. You have a hunted look at the close of the financial year.
26. You blog and make fun of the IT Department with posts like this and this.
You know you are an Income Tax asessee when:
1. You save the whole year to tide over the year-end salary cut.
2. You are on first name basis with Medical Shop owners.
3. Medical Shop Owners stop stocking medicines and start making profits by selling you Medical Bills.
4. You read up on "Acne/coarse hair/oily face/appraisal frustrations/homicidal tendencies towards Manager" etc. and research the medicines available in the market for it and then give the list to the pharmacist to include in your medical bill.
5. Medical Shop Owners hate you.
6. You ask the accountant if the accessory you bought for your bike can come under ‘Educational Expense’.
7. You ask the accountant advice on Tax loopholes.
8. The accountant hates you.
9. You make sure you make Rs.XYZ worth of calls ONLY because you are allowed only so much in reimbursement.
10. You go to bookstores browse for books related to your profession and leave without purchasing anything after you have written down names and price of books.
11. Book shop owners hate you.
12. You know railway and airfares by heart. You start giving advice for a small fee to people on the most complicated and tortuous route to take according to their LTA.
13. Railway reservation clerks grin when they see you and enquire when you will be back for the cancellation when you go to buy a ticket.
14. Indian Railways love you. Your cancellations fees help make their loss figures a little less damning. (Please note Mr. Chidambaram)
15. Your landlord stops working and starts living off the 50% share he gets from the hiked rental bill he gives you every month.
16. Landlords look on you as a Retirement Scheme. (Please note this too Mr. Chidambaram)
17. Your wallet has more Bills than Bills (notes).
18. You tell your Investment Consultant that you want to invest exactly Rs.XYZ as that is the magic figure you need to avoid the Tax axe.
19. You check if you have paid interest on that Dinner Set/Gas Stove/Iron etc you bought by paying in EMI.
20. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that your salary doesn’t get deducted at source.
21. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show that flight to Dubai as “Business related travel expense”
22. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show that six figure telephone bills as “Business related calls”.
23. You think of becoming an Entrepreneur so that you can show all your food bills as “Business Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner etc.”
24. You realize Entrepreneurship is too much of a hassle and you rather sit in your comfy office and be sure of a salary at the end of the month. But you still hate Taxes.
25. You have a hunted look at the close of the financial year.
26. You blog and make fun of the IT Department with posts like this and this.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Intaxication
I am a severely Income Challenged person (both horizontally and vertically) and if there is any provision for exemption of Income Tax for such a handicap please do let me know ASAP. I desperately need to know because last week, I got a mail from our Finance Manager asking me to submit proof of investments or else Income Tax, the size of India’s fiscal deficit would be deducted from my intern stipend. Now, I love my country, Jai Hind and Bharath Mata Ki Jai and all that blah, but I simply cannot support this country on my meager stipend alone. (well, that is what they tell you in those IT Dept. ads that is peppering the newspaper these days. "You" are responsible for the roads, "You" are responsible for the progress of the country. “You” of course means the earning class a.k.a. as the cash cow class.)
Now my CEO earns in figures that slightly exceeds the GNP of the country, the FM’s gross salary is rumored to equal the total budget of Nagaland while HR reportedly takes home his salary in a truck which led to the collapse of one over bridge, one flyover and a Highway Weigh Bridge. However we, the common folk of this company have no such luck. We carry our salary home in a customized chillar kaas pouch embossed with company logo.
After listening to my ranting and grumblings for one whole second the company accountant gave me an address and showed me the accounts department door.
12:30 pm and I find the address given to me by my accountant. It is a rather nondescript office and a Mr. Mani meets me at the door. He introduces himself as the "PR Manager" for the IT Dept, Karnataka Circle. I am ushered into his office and seated in a Godrej chair while Mr Mani himself sits at his Godrej Premium chair and looks at me with a beatific smile. Something tells me that he was born with this smile. I tell Mr Mani my problems of supporting an entire nation with my meager salary. His smile never wavers.
Mr. Mani: Ah, Miss! Do you know what the government does with the tax it collects from you?
Me: Pay your salary?
Mr. Mani: Yes...er I mean No!! Did you know that because of the false bill you gave for the book "Communication for Donkeys" the government was unable to retar and repair 65,569km of National Highways, 1,31,899km of State Highways 4,67,763km of Major District roads and 26,50,000km of Village roads???
Me( shocked): Really ?!?!?!
Mr. Mani: Yes, we had to dip into the "Garibi Hatao" fund to complete the job to the Contractor’s Association’s satisfaction.
Me: But where are the roads?
Mr. Mani (quickly): We had just enough money to do up the existing roads but not enough to fill up the potholes. As you can see the roads around the potholes is world class!
Me: But...but...
Mr. Mani(cutting in smoothly): And for those false medical bills you gave for treatment of "IT induced heartburn", the government was unable to equip and run 457599 government hospitals and clinics. To meet the shortfall we had to send a Secretary level delegation to Bangkok and Phuket to gather the necessary funds.
Me (shocked): Oh my gawd!!!
Mr. Mani ( emphatically): Exactly! And for that fake conveyance voucher you submitted for traveling to "IT Related Stress Disorder Clinic" last month, the government was unable to fill the 4545955 potholes in the city! Now we have to buy all the Ministers a Scorpio each so that they do not break their back on the way to their offices to serve selfish people like you.
Me(breaking down): Oh noooooooo!
Mr. Mani: The Telephone bills you submitted for 800 calls to an "IT Psychologist" put paid our Airport Expansion plans because of which a ministerial delegation had to be convened at Hawaii to discuss the situation and find a solution.
Me (eyes brimming with tears): I am so ashamed of myself.
Mr. Mani: Remember that manipulated LTA bill to "Cherrapunji" you submitted this year?
Me (sobbing): Yes?
Mr. Mani: 56758449 poor kids had to go hungry because of that! Our honorable ministers had to skip ONE luncheon at Oberoi Towers to fund the Free Meal Scheme 2005 to avoid the embarrassment to the government.
Me (breaking down): I am a bad girl.Waaaaah
Mr. Mani (soothingly): There, there. Don’t be too harsh on yourself dear. Drop a donation for the IT Dept. retirement fund on your way out. You will feel much better. And don’t be a defaulter anymore.
Me: * sniff * Ok. Bye Sir.
Mr. Mani: By the way the SUV that your Uncle in Changanachery bought is a good selection. I particularly like its 3000cc inline-four that develops 114 bhp at 3000 revs and over 30 kgm of torque between 1600 and 2000 rpm. And that three bedroom first floor apartment your cousin purchased in Muvattupuzha was a good buy indeed. Personally I think your aunty in Kochi invested very wisely in that Estate in Munnar. Coffee prices are doing well and she will be able to complete the construction of her fourteen bedroom bungalow very soon!
Me: Whaaaat? How do you know all this?
Mr. Mani (beatific smile in place): Goodbye dear. Happy New Fiscal Year 2005-2006.
Now my CEO earns in figures that slightly exceeds the GNP of the country, the FM’s gross salary is rumored to equal the total budget of Nagaland while HR reportedly takes home his salary in a truck which led to the collapse of one over bridge, one flyover and a Highway Weigh Bridge. However we, the common folk of this company have no such luck. We carry our salary home in a customized chillar kaas pouch embossed with company logo.
After listening to my ranting and grumblings for one whole second the company accountant gave me an address and showed me the accounts department door.
12:30 pm and I find the address given to me by my accountant. It is a rather nondescript office and a Mr. Mani meets me at the door. He introduces himself as the "PR Manager" for the IT Dept, Karnataka Circle. I am ushered into his office and seated in a Godrej chair while Mr Mani himself sits at his Godrej Premium chair and looks at me with a beatific smile. Something tells me that he was born with this smile. I tell Mr Mani my problems of supporting an entire nation with my meager salary. His smile never wavers.
Mr. Mani: Ah, Miss! Do you know what the government does with the tax it collects from you?
Me: Pay your salary?
Mr. Mani: Yes...er I mean No!! Did you know that because of the false bill you gave for the book "Communication for Donkeys" the government was unable to retar and repair 65,569km of National Highways, 1,31,899km of State Highways 4,67,763km of Major District roads and 26,50,000km of Village roads???
Me( shocked): Really ?!?!?!
Mr. Mani: Yes, we had to dip into the "Garibi Hatao" fund to complete the job to the Contractor’s Association’s satisfaction.
Me: But where are the roads?
Mr. Mani (quickly): We had just enough money to do up the existing roads but not enough to fill up the potholes. As you can see the roads around the potholes is world class!
Me: But...but...
Mr. Mani(cutting in smoothly): And for those false medical bills you gave for treatment of "IT induced heartburn", the government was unable to equip and run 457599 government hospitals and clinics. To meet the shortfall we had to send a Secretary level delegation to Bangkok and Phuket to gather the necessary funds.
Me (shocked): Oh my gawd!!!
Mr. Mani ( emphatically): Exactly! And for that fake conveyance voucher you submitted for traveling to "IT Related Stress Disorder Clinic" last month, the government was unable to fill the 4545955 potholes in the city! Now we have to buy all the Ministers a Scorpio each so that they do not break their back on the way to their offices to serve selfish people like you.
Me(breaking down): Oh noooooooo!
Mr. Mani: The Telephone bills you submitted for 800 calls to an "IT Psychologist" put paid our Airport Expansion plans because of which a ministerial delegation had to be convened at Hawaii to discuss the situation and find a solution.
Me (eyes brimming with tears): I am so ashamed of myself.
Mr. Mani: Remember that manipulated LTA bill to "Cherrapunji" you submitted this year?
Me (sobbing): Yes?
Mr. Mani: 56758449 poor kids had to go hungry because of that! Our honorable ministers had to skip ONE luncheon at Oberoi Towers to fund the Free Meal Scheme 2005 to avoid the embarrassment to the government.
Me (breaking down): I am a bad girl.Waaaaah
Mr. Mani (soothingly): There, there. Don’t be too harsh on yourself dear. Drop a donation for the IT Dept. retirement fund on your way out. You will feel much better. And don’t be a defaulter anymore.
Me: * sniff * Ok. Bye Sir.
Mr. Mani: By the way the SUV that your Uncle in Changanachery bought is a good selection. I particularly like its 3000cc inline-four that develops 114 bhp at 3000 revs and over 30 kgm of torque between 1600 and 2000 rpm. And that three bedroom first floor apartment your cousin purchased in Muvattupuzha was a good buy indeed. Personally I think your aunty in Kochi invested very wisely in that Estate in Munnar. Coffee prices are doing well and she will be able to complete the construction of her fourteen bedroom bungalow very soon!
Me: Whaaaat? How do you know all this?
Mr. Mani (beatific smile in place): Goodbye dear. Happy New Fiscal Year 2005-2006.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
I dare to dream
Some of my friends who thought they would finally get to see my dreams man’s profile were disappointed with my last tag though they quite liked the spirit behind it. Alexis even pointed out that I had evaded the question all together. So I will take up the tag again and this time, try and list the things I want in my Perfect Lover.
To be frank, I have absolutely no clue to the personality traits that I want in my Perfect Lover. I rarely noticed guys since I studied in all girls educational institutions throughout my life. Besides I was too busy doing the things single gals do to even think of a boyfriend. However I will give a shot at what I expect in my perfect lover.
So here it is redone for P , V and Alexis
Rules of the game are...
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.
Sex of the target :
Male
MY PERFECT LOVER (PL)
1. My Perfect Lover(PL) will have a sense of humor. He will understand that I like to look at the funny side of life. It’s not like I am frivolous, but don’t expect me to sit and moan if I had a bad day at office. I prefer to forget unpleasant incidents or remove myself from unpleasant situations and get on with life as soon as possible.
2. My PL will be a person I can sit and talk with for hours. He will enjoy talking to me and listening to me as much as I enjoy talking and listening to him. Shut me out of the conversation and you shut me out of your life. (Communication is very important to me.)
3. My PL will be able to tell me if I have hurt him in any way and also if I have made him happy in any way. I will do the same. I like to appreciate and be appreciated. (And if he doesn’t tell me what I have done to piss him off I cannot rectify it, can I?)
4. My PL will not expect me to be a ‘wife’ in the traditional sense. He will want me as a life partner and not housekeeper, cook, and babysitter. However if he helps out 50% of the time, I am willing to do all that. (I believe that it takes two active participants to make a relationship.)
5. My PL will understand that I have a family and friends I care deeply about. He will be the most important person in my life but my folks will not be any less. I on my part am willing to accept that his family and friends are important to him too. (I beieve that freedom within a relationship is important).
6. I am a one man woman and I expect him to be a one woman man too. (Fidelity is the foundation on which relationships are built).
7. I have hobbies/interests that will take me away from station/home from time to time. He should be broadminded enough to accept it.(In short I need space to grow. And I am willing to accept that he will also have interests or hobbies that he would like to pursue)
8. I am a very demonstrative person in showing my love and affection so my Perfect Lover will be demonstrative too. He will not be reticent and will not mind the unexpected bear hugs and stolen kisses that will come his way very often.
To be frank, I have absolutely no clue to the personality traits that I want in my Perfect Lover. I rarely noticed guys since I studied in all girls educational institutions throughout my life. Besides I was too busy doing the things single gals do to even think of a boyfriend. However I will give a shot at what I expect in my perfect lover.
So here it is redone for P , V and Alexis
Rules of the game are...
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.
Sex of the target :
Male
MY PERFECT LOVER (PL)
1. My Perfect Lover(PL) will have a sense of humor. He will understand that I like to look at the funny side of life. It’s not like I am frivolous, but don’t expect me to sit and moan if I had a bad day at office. I prefer to forget unpleasant incidents or remove myself from unpleasant situations and get on with life as soon as possible.
2. My PL will be a person I can sit and talk with for hours. He will enjoy talking to me and listening to me as much as I enjoy talking and listening to him. Shut me out of the conversation and you shut me out of your life. (Communication is very important to me.)
3. My PL will be able to tell me if I have hurt him in any way and also if I have made him happy in any way. I will do the same. I like to appreciate and be appreciated. (And if he doesn’t tell me what I have done to piss him off I cannot rectify it, can I?)
4. My PL will not expect me to be a ‘wife’ in the traditional sense. He will want me as a life partner and not housekeeper, cook, and babysitter. However if he helps out 50% of the time, I am willing to do all that. (I believe that it takes two active participants to make a relationship.)
5. My PL will understand that I have a family and friends I care deeply about. He will be the most important person in my life but my folks will not be any less. I on my part am willing to accept that his family and friends are important to him too. (I beieve that freedom within a relationship is important).
6. I am a one man woman and I expect him to be a one woman man too. (Fidelity is the foundation on which relationships are built).
7. I have hobbies/interests that will take me away from station/home from time to time. He should be broadminded enough to accept it.(In short I need space to grow. And I am willing to accept that he will also have interests or hobbies that he would like to pursue)
8. I am a very demonstrative person in showing my love and affection so my Perfect Lover will be demonstrative too. He will not be reticent and will not mind the unexpected bear hugs and stolen kisses that will come his way very often.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
The story of Man!
There is something that we gals cannot do when we get together and that is 'keep quiet'. We love to talk and meaningful silences are as alien to us as Shilajit Capsules or a Suzuki Hayabusa. We like to discuss everything. By everything I mean anything that happened during the course of day from the time we get up and say "Oh my God! I look awful!" (Unlike guys who get up and say "hrmphfxl").
Therefore girls get a little perplexed when guys don’t chatter as much and prefer to clam up and drink alcohol whether they are sad, happy, jubilant, depressed, angry, joyous or forgot to shave.(The latest Mera No. 1 ad is an outstanding testimony of the human Man's inability to verbalize his feelings).
So I approached a renowned historian to learn about this behavior of men. After several pegs of Mera No. 1 Mineral Water, Cassettes and CDs, renowned historian Michael Chakson from Jhumri Thalaiyya told me that this kind of behavior is a genetic predisposition from the days Humans were hunter-gatherers.
The prehistoric Man was our predecessor and was the guy who was responsible for the propagation of our species. (Poor man if he had known this back then, he would have invented birth control before the wheel). Go forth and multiply was his motto er...natural instinct, which is what actually led to the invention of the wheel. And the rest is history er...present...er...whatever. Which is why guys with two wheelers behave like Neanderthals while the ones with four wheels behave like Neanderthals on four wheels.
This prehistoric dude was a real modern and hep dude. He had numerous live in girlfriends. He was also the first man in History to have a love child when his first-born came into this world. After delivering several love children the prehistoric women invented "Headache". Which was the first ever recorded form of birth control by early man. The invention of the ‘headache’ also led to speech by early man and the first ever-recorded conversation between humans went like this.
Man: hrmphfxl?
Woman: Not tonight dear, I have a headache.
(Later as man graduated from hunter gatherer to farmer the word cave was replaced by 'hay'. 'Headache' was replaced by 'Migraine', which is supposed to last for an indeterminable period)
Our prehistoric dude's successors successfully kept his tradition alive with several bouncy love children till some barbarians spoilt the party by inventing 'monogamy' and 'marriage'. The invention of the 'headache' and 'marriage' hampered the human man’s style and he in turn invented "Football" to vent his frustrations. This was the first ever-recorded 'vicious cycle' in human history and the beginning of many other vicious cycles that led to the invention of Cricket, Motorbikes and Whiskey.
Anyways, the prehistoric dude had a lot of fun, unlike his modern counterpart who has to content with alimony, child support and AIDS if he tried to emulate his ancestors. But life was not all fun and women for our prehistoric dude. He had the responsibility of feeding his numerous women and love kids. If he couldn’t bring home the bacon er...I mean the Bison he would have to contend with the sad loss of his loved ones to his rival’s camp.(Because his rival’s dining stone was groaning under a rather juicy Buffalo). Not bringing home the Bison had other disadvantages too. He would have to eat the vegetables gathered by the women. The vegetables reminded him of his failure as a hunter and that according to Michael Chakson, is why men hate veggies and love meat. (another example of a prehistoric vicious cycle)
Prehistoric man learnt from bitter experience that silence was golden after this traumatic incident at a hunt.
Man1: Shhhhh!!!! A plump deer at 2 ‘o’ Clock!
Man2: Did you hear that Granite Garry’s woman had defected to Marble Marlow’s camp?
Man1: Drat! The deer ran away.
Man3: Shhhh!!!! A fat Bison!!
Man4: Really??? But I thought Marble Marlow’s wife was messing his gene pool with Granite Garry!!!
Man3: Darn! The Bison took to his heels.
That night, Man 1, 2, 3 and 4 all lost their women to Sandstone Sean and Igneous Isaac. (Well...Granite Garry and Marble Marlow’s camp were rather crowded already).
Silence became an important tool for the prehistoric man for hunting. Besides having so many women put paid his chances of getting in a word edgewise or otherwise. Man continued to excel in hunting but languished in verbal skills.
And that according to Michael Chakson, is why guys are the strong and silent types.
Therefore girls get a little perplexed when guys don’t chatter as much and prefer to clam up and drink alcohol whether they are sad, happy, jubilant, depressed, angry, joyous or forgot to shave.(The latest Mera No. 1 ad is an outstanding testimony of the human Man's inability to verbalize his feelings).
So I approached a renowned historian to learn about this behavior of men. After several pegs of Mera No. 1 Mineral Water, Cassettes and CDs, renowned historian Michael Chakson from Jhumri Thalaiyya told me that this kind of behavior is a genetic predisposition from the days Humans were hunter-gatherers.
The prehistoric Man was our predecessor and was the guy who was responsible for the propagation of our species. (Poor man if he had known this back then, he would have invented birth control before the wheel). Go forth and multiply was his motto er...natural instinct, which is what actually led to the invention of the wheel. And the rest is history er...present...er...whatever. Which is why guys with two wheelers behave like Neanderthals while the ones with four wheels behave like Neanderthals on four wheels.
This prehistoric dude was a real modern and hep dude. He had numerous live in girlfriends. He was also the first man in History to have a love child when his first-born came into this world. After delivering several love children the prehistoric women invented "Headache". Which was the first ever recorded form of birth control by early man. The invention of the ‘headache’ also led to speech by early man and the first ever-recorded conversation between humans went like this.
Man: hrmphfxl?
Woman: Not tonight dear, I have a headache.
(Later as man graduated from hunter gatherer to farmer the word cave was replaced by 'hay'. 'Headache' was replaced by 'Migraine', which is supposed to last for an indeterminable period)
Our prehistoric dude's successors successfully kept his tradition alive with several bouncy love children till some barbarians spoilt the party by inventing 'monogamy' and 'marriage'. The invention of the 'headache' and 'marriage' hampered the human man’s style and he in turn invented "Football" to vent his frustrations. This was the first ever-recorded 'vicious cycle' in human history and the beginning of many other vicious cycles that led to the invention of Cricket, Motorbikes and Whiskey.
Anyways, the prehistoric dude had a lot of fun, unlike his modern counterpart who has to content with alimony, child support and AIDS if he tried to emulate his ancestors. But life was not all fun and women for our prehistoric dude. He had the responsibility of feeding his numerous women and love kids. If he couldn’t bring home the bacon er...I mean the Bison he would have to contend with the sad loss of his loved ones to his rival’s camp.(Because his rival’s dining stone was groaning under a rather juicy Buffalo). Not bringing home the Bison had other disadvantages too. He would have to eat the vegetables gathered by the women. The vegetables reminded him of his failure as a hunter and that according to Michael Chakson, is why men hate veggies and love meat. (another example of a prehistoric vicious cycle)
Prehistoric man learnt from bitter experience that silence was golden after this traumatic incident at a hunt.
Man1: Shhhhh!!!! A plump deer at 2 ‘o’ Clock!
Man2: Did you hear that Granite Garry’s woman had defected to Marble Marlow’s camp?
Man1: Drat! The deer ran away.
Man3: Shhhh!!!! A fat Bison!!
Man4: Really??? But I thought Marble Marlow’s wife was messing his gene pool with Granite Garry!!!
Man3: Darn! The Bison took to his heels.
That night, Man 1, 2, 3 and 4 all lost their women to Sandstone Sean and Igneous Isaac. (Well...Granite Garry and Marble Marlow’s camp were rather crowded already).
Silence became an important tool for the prehistoric man for hunting. Besides having so many women put paid his chances of getting in a word edgewise or otherwise. Man continued to excel in hunting but languished in verbal skills.
And that according to Michael Chakson, is why guys are the strong and silent types.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
And pigs will fly !!
I have been tagged by Anil The Great and Whoosh
Rules of the game are...
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.
Sex of the target :
Male
PERFECT LOVER ( Guess it will be easier to find the Loch Ness Monster.)
1. He will treat me like a Queen. Period.
( Thank you girls I knew you would approve)
2. He will have no object of affection except me and that includes his bike/car, his mom and his latest mobile phone.
( Thanks again girls for the overwhelming nodding of heads)
3. He will make me breakfast in bed and say that I am the most beautiful and desirable girl in the whole world at least three times a day.
( Girls! Thank you for that deafening applause)
4. He will be my friend first. Boyfriend, husband, cook, housekeeper etc. secondary but essential. (Thanks again girls for the standing ovation, I knew you would all agree)
5. He will be neat and tidy and not sloppy.
( Girls! It is not lady like to laugh so loudly)
6. He will look after the children if any and make me candle light dinners everyday.
( Yeah girls, high fives from my side too)
7. He will not forget my birthday, our anniversary and the fact that I like long stemmed red rose buds.
( hey stop rolling on the floor girls!!! )
8. He will be comfortable with my friends, family, dogs and hair dresser not necessarily in that order.
( Ok I heard the guffaws grrrrrr)
I used a secret resource called “The License to Dream” to write this tag. I have used it liberally in this post.
I passed this tag around to friends with husbands and boyfriends and I have given their expert opinion in the brackets. I declare solemnly that all that I have written here has been whetted by a panel of female experts and certified as highly unattainable.
I hereby pass on the “The License to Dream” to the below mentioned people.Dream on guys.
1.matterofchoice
He writes with much depth on serious issues.
2. Geo
Here’s a guy blogger who can handle romance and humor with great aplomb.
3. Jithu Wonderful writer. I am glad I discovered his blog.
4. mindcurry
His mission is to save God’s Own Country from becoming Dog’s Own Country!
5. Thanu
Whatever she writes strikes a cord in you.
6. HopeandLove
Read her posts and you will thank God forever for your blessings.
7. Leon
I read this post of his first and was hooked.
8. Praveen
Read his posts to know what the word “refreshing” means!!!
p.s. If you know such a guy then please forward his profile to Ripleys Believe it or Not and CC a copy to me.
Rules of the game are...
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.
Sex of the target :
Male
PERFECT LOVER ( Guess it will be easier to find the Loch Ness Monster.)
1. He will treat me like a Queen. Period.
( Thank you girls I knew you would approve)
2. He will have no object of affection except me and that includes his bike/car, his mom and his latest mobile phone.
( Thanks again girls for the overwhelming nodding of heads)
3. He will make me breakfast in bed and say that I am the most beautiful and desirable girl in the whole world at least three times a day.
( Girls! Thank you for that deafening applause)
4. He will be my friend first. Boyfriend, husband, cook, housekeeper etc. secondary but essential. (Thanks again girls for the standing ovation, I knew you would all agree)
5. He will be neat and tidy and not sloppy.
( Girls! It is not lady like to laugh so loudly)
6. He will look after the children if any and make me candle light dinners everyday.
( Yeah girls, high fives from my side too)
7. He will not forget my birthday, our anniversary and the fact that I like long stemmed red rose buds.
( hey stop rolling on the floor girls!!! )
8. He will be comfortable with my friends, family, dogs and hair dresser not necessarily in that order.
( Ok I heard the guffaws grrrrrr)
I used a secret resource called “The License to Dream” to write this tag. I have used it liberally in this post.
I passed this tag around to friends with husbands and boyfriends and I have given their expert opinion in the brackets. I declare solemnly that all that I have written here has been whetted by a panel of female experts and certified as highly unattainable.
I hereby pass on the “The License to Dream” to the below mentioned people.Dream on guys.
1.matterofchoice
He writes with much depth on serious issues.
2. Geo
Here’s a guy blogger who can handle romance and humor with great aplomb.
3. Jithu Wonderful writer. I am glad I discovered his blog.
4. mindcurry
His mission is to save God’s Own Country from becoming Dog’s Own Country!
5. Thanu
Whatever she writes strikes a cord in you.
6. HopeandLove
Read her posts and you will thank God forever for your blessings.
7. Leon
I read this post of his first and was hooked.
8. Praveen
Read his posts to know what the word “refreshing” means!!!
p.s. If you know such a guy then please forward his profile to Ripleys Believe it or Not and CC a copy to me.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Gentleman's game ladies please excuse !
Saturday morning and I am greeted with the sight that most women in India dread! That of the menfolk sitting glued to the TV watching cricket! I can see the usual Saturday family card session vanishing into thin air. Getting my Dad and brothers to abandon the TV is as impossible as Cauvery water sharing, which brings me to the topic of this post "CRICKET".
No,no...this is no girly rant against Cricket. I love Cricket...but only when India wins against Pakistan. Other times I hate the game that makes millions of wives into temporary widows, children into temporary orphans and sisters into ballboys er...ball girls or whatever it is that younger sisters are called when they have to go fetch the cricket balls that brother and friends hit wildly into neighboring Tamil Nadu, Andhra Pradesh and the Indian Ocean.
I was introduced to cricket at a very young age. My elder brother and friends used to play cricket at the paddy field near my house. And I was the official ballgirl (if there is such a term). And for all my troubles I was rewarded with ice cream at the end of the game. I quite liked skipping after the ball, picking it up and then skipping back to the field after I had chased a butterfly and the batsmen had made their 18th run and were looking desperately to see if I would get back and give them a break.
One day after the opposite team had made about 765 runs, both teams met for a pow wow and it was decided by mutual consensus that when I ran after the ball, it would be counted as a Four and no more. This put paid to runs being accumulated like Sachins injuries.
Now you might wonder why the guys put up with me at all. On weekends my Mom would take off for her weekly shopping trip and my eldest brother had to baby sit. He did baby sit, but as he always says it does not matter how you do the job as long as it gets done. So I was taken to the cricket field along with the other equipment and made to run after the ball if the ball went outside the boundary line. Of course Mom was none the wiser and I kept my mouth shut partly because of a very numb tongue after my 6th ice cream.
Second brother soon got into playing cricket and realized that additional human resources in the form of younger sister was a good idea than running around looking for the ball and getting all hot under the collar. He was however unsuccessful in garnering the available human resource because the human resource had to be fed and would keep wandering off with the ball. This made him mad and he withheld the promised Ice Cream after one match. Human Resource went and squealed to Dad and that was the end of further fielding resources for second brother.
During the course of my glorious innings as ball collector I learnt quite a few cricketing terms.
F**k!!!! means "if I wasn’t watching that gal I would seen that the ball was headed towards my middle stump!"
A** h**e means,"how can you hit me for a six you a** h**e?!?!"
Such colorful terms were very educative for an 8 year old and soon Dad and Mom were called for an emergency PTA meeting. Dad was relieved that it was nothing serious when he heard the Teacher say with a pained expression "You daughter said F**k when the Crayon fell down and broke."
Mom was however horrified and soon the three of us went through a refresher course in English language.
Mom: What is the exclamation you would use when you are angry?
Elder Brother: Damn?
Mom: hmm ok, but I would prefer if you said, “This is so inconvenient”
Elder Brother: Sure
Mom: Ok what would you say when someone swears at you?
Second brother (smirking): What do you mean by 'swear'?
Mom: er...I mean like the language you use in the cricket field!
SB: Ok, I will say, “This is so inconvenient?!”
Mom: Good!
(Muffled and uncontrollable giggling from the students.)
Mom: And what will you say when your crayon falls down the desk?
Me (on the defensive): I dunno.
Mom: You mustn’t use bad words ok?
Me: Ok. But dad says it’s ok if I don’t say it too loud!
Mom: #*@&*%$&+%$$# (choicest Malayalam epithets)
This brings me to another incident involving Dad:
Ms Michelle: Your daughter pinched Chithra yesterday.
Dad: Why did you pinch Chithra?
Me: But dad, she pinched me first!
Dad: (shocked) I hope you pinched her back real hard !!
Dad was declared persona non grata in school after that.
To come back to our narrative, it is Saturday morning and after a long time, the gender balance in my house is at a level. With my brand new sis-in-law we are now three females vs three males. My mom calls herself a Golf widow and me a Golf orphan, and today my brand new sis-in-law got a new name ‘Cricket widow’. After watching the guys in disgust for half an hour, I did the kindest thing I could do to my new sis-in-law. I took her to Forum for an expensive shopping spree. It will be nice to see my brother’s expression when the Bills come home to roost.
Frailty.er...revenge thy name is woman!
No,no...this is no girly rant against Cricket. I love Cricket...but only when India wins against Pakistan. Other times I hate the game that makes millions of wives into temporary widows, children into temporary orphans and sisters into ballboys er...ball girls or whatever it is that younger sisters are called when they have to go fetch the cricket balls that brother and friends hit wildly into neighboring Tamil Nadu, Andhra Pradesh and the Indian Ocean.
I was introduced to cricket at a very young age. My elder brother and friends used to play cricket at the paddy field near my house. And I was the official ballgirl (if there is such a term). And for all my troubles I was rewarded with ice cream at the end of the game. I quite liked skipping after the ball, picking it up and then skipping back to the field after I had chased a butterfly and the batsmen had made their 18th run and were looking desperately to see if I would get back and give them a break.
One day after the opposite team had made about 765 runs, both teams met for a pow wow and it was decided by mutual consensus that when I ran after the ball, it would be counted as a Four and no more. This put paid to runs being accumulated like Sachins injuries.
Now you might wonder why the guys put up with me at all. On weekends my Mom would take off for her weekly shopping trip and my eldest brother had to baby sit. He did baby sit, but as he always says it does not matter how you do the job as long as it gets done. So I was taken to the cricket field along with the other equipment and made to run after the ball if the ball went outside the boundary line. Of course Mom was none the wiser and I kept my mouth shut partly because of a very numb tongue after my 6th ice cream.
Second brother soon got into playing cricket and realized that additional human resources in the form of younger sister was a good idea than running around looking for the ball and getting all hot under the collar. He was however unsuccessful in garnering the available human resource because the human resource had to be fed and would keep wandering off with the ball. This made him mad and he withheld the promised Ice Cream after one match. Human Resource went and squealed to Dad and that was the end of further fielding resources for second brother.
During the course of my glorious innings as ball collector I learnt quite a few cricketing terms.
F**k!!!! means "if I wasn’t watching that gal I would seen that the ball was headed towards my middle stump!"
A** h**e means,"how can you hit me for a six you a** h**e?!?!"
Such colorful terms were very educative for an 8 year old and soon Dad and Mom were called for an emergency PTA meeting. Dad was relieved that it was nothing serious when he heard the Teacher say with a pained expression "You daughter said F**k when the Crayon fell down and broke."
Mom was however horrified and soon the three of us went through a refresher course in English language.
Mom: What is the exclamation you would use when you are angry?
Elder Brother: Damn?
Mom: hmm ok, but I would prefer if you said, “This is so inconvenient”
Elder Brother: Sure
Mom: Ok what would you say when someone swears at you?
Second brother (smirking): What do you mean by 'swear'?
Mom: er...I mean like the language you use in the cricket field!
SB: Ok, I will say, “This is so inconvenient?!”
Mom: Good!
(Muffled and uncontrollable giggling from the students.)
Mom: And what will you say when your crayon falls down the desk?
Me (on the defensive): I dunno.
Mom: You mustn’t use bad words ok?
Me: Ok. But dad says it’s ok if I don’t say it too loud!
Mom: #*@&*%$&+%$$# (choicest Malayalam epithets)
This brings me to another incident involving Dad:
Ms Michelle: Your daughter pinched Chithra yesterday.
Dad: Why did you pinch Chithra?
Me: But dad, she pinched me first!
Dad: (shocked) I hope you pinched her back real hard !!
Dad was declared persona non grata in school after that.
To come back to our narrative, it is Saturday morning and after a long time, the gender balance in my house is at a level. With my brand new sis-in-law we are now three females vs three males. My mom calls herself a Golf widow and me a Golf orphan, and today my brand new sis-in-law got a new name ‘Cricket widow’. After watching the guys in disgust for half an hour, I did the kindest thing I could do to my new sis-in-law. I took her to Forum for an expensive shopping spree. It will be nice to see my brother’s expression when the Bills come home to roost.
Frailty.er...revenge thy name is woman!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Behind the scenes...
Sometime during my teens I stumbled into advertising and worked in ad agencies during weekends through pre university. By the time the stint was over I had learned all that is know about advertising and was all set for an illustrious career in anything other than advertising. The tricks and gimmicks that I have learned working in an ad agency will be very useful for people who are contemplating an advertising career in the Creative side...
The web defines Advertisement as "Item of publicity to promote a product or service in newspapers, magazines, on TV etc."
Let me take the example of the following products/service to illustrate this point.
SHAMPOO
Marketing guy from shampoo company (MG): Ok, We need to push up sales of our Gopika shampoo.
Creative Director of Ad Agency(CD): And what is unique about your shampoo that we can highlight?
MG: Nothing.
CD: Great!
CD sends out a talent scout to look for a gal with long lustrous hair.
Talent Scout (TS) to gal with long lustrous hair: Ma’am you have lovely hair
Gal: er.. thank you. Do I know you?
TS: I am from ABC Modeling Agency, would you like to model?
Gal (jumping up and down with glee): wow !!! What will it be? Revlon cosmetics, Lee Jeans or a Mercedes car?
TS: er...you could call it cosmetics...
After the confirmation and paperwork CD sets up the photo shoot. The gal’s hair is washed and cleaned by an expert beautician using the best imported shampoo and lots of photographs are taken of her hair in various hair styles in landscaped gardens, in the shower, in an office setting etc.
Scene at the studio
Gal: what the f*&%$ I thought I will be modeling for cosmetics, why are you photographing my hair and not my face?
CD: er, this is just the beginning; we will unveil your lovely face in a phased manner.
Gal (happily): Oh ok.
After the shoot she is paid a pittance and unceremoniously shown the door.
TOOTHPASTE
MG: I know our Raja Toothpaste sucks but I gotta sales target to meet here.
CD: Whatever!
Talent Scout is sent to various colleges during lunch break. He shortlists a couple of gals and guys with the widest grins, and gets them over to the studio where a dentist waits with white paint.
Scene at the studio
Gal no. 1: What’s that? (Pointing to the white paint)
Dentist: This is XYZ teeth cleaner.
Guy no. 2: What does it do?
Dentist: It cleans your teeth to a sparkling white. It is IDA certified.
Guys and Gals: That’s neat!!
Dentist to assistant: Give them all my visiting card. They will definitely need it by this time tomorrow.
The guys and gals are clothed in funky college costumes and their teeth painted white by the dentist. The photographer adjusts his filter to subdue the shine from their teeth and takes numerous group photos of the guys and gals grinning widely at the camera.
After the shoot they are paid a pittance and unceremoniously shown the lift, aching jaws and all.
APPOINTMENT AD FOR IT COMPANY
HR Manager: We need to get the best talents into our company.
CD: Ok, so what are the benefits that your company offers prospective employees?
HR: Benefits?? What’s that?
CD: Ok, I get the point!
Talent Scout is sent out to Engineering colleges to look for very ordinary looking guys and gals (VOG)(This is for a more realsitic effect). After short listing a few he approaches them.
TS: Hello I am from XYZ Modeling agency; we are looking for your kinda face for our latest ad campaign.
VOG: Us?
TS: Yes !! You guys kinda fit the role. What are your names?
VOG no 1: I am Nadamuri Tharakka Venkatravamma and these are my friends Marudur Gopala Krishnan , Shinykutty Johnson, Srilakshmi Venkatachalapathy and Konkona Roychowdhury.
TS: Whew that was quite a mouthful. You will look just right for the role I have in mind.
VOGs are dressed in office wear with access cards around their necks and taken to Taj Westend. They are made to sit in the conference room and photographed looking seriously into laptops. A blond man staying at the hotel is persuaded to sit with them for the shoot for added effect. Then the guys’ strip into swimming suits while the girls enter the pool in their Salwars and pose like they are having a blast. Finally they are taken to the in-house discotheque where they are photographed dancing and presumably having fun.
HR to CD: Make it look like it is great working for Really Soft Technologies Pvt. Ltd. even though we are a 24/7 sweatshop.
CD(sarcastically): Shall I shoot the Vidhana Soudha as the new Really Soft Technologies Pvt. Ltd. building madam ?
HR: Why not! Personally I would have preferred the Taj Mahal but we don’t have the money to send you even by second class three tier to Agra.
After the shoot the VOGs are paid a pittance and ceremoniously shown the Taj Westend gate by the liveried Gatekeeper.
The copywriter then takes these photos, writes a catchy headline a smart body copy and makes a snazzy advertisement, which is splashed in various publications for your consumption.
I think I will stick with Shikakai powder, Neem twigs and my present company.
The web defines Advertisement as "Item of publicity to promote a product or service in newspapers, magazines, on TV etc."
Let me take the example of the following products/service to illustrate this point.
SHAMPOO
Marketing guy from shampoo company (MG): Ok, We need to push up sales of our Gopika shampoo.
Creative Director of Ad Agency(CD): And what is unique about your shampoo that we can highlight?
MG: Nothing.
CD: Great!
CD sends out a talent scout to look for a gal with long lustrous hair.
Talent Scout (TS) to gal with long lustrous hair: Ma’am you have lovely hair
Gal: er.. thank you. Do I know you?
TS: I am from ABC Modeling Agency, would you like to model?
Gal (jumping up and down with glee): wow !!! What will it be? Revlon cosmetics, Lee Jeans or a Mercedes car?
TS: er...you could call it cosmetics...
After the confirmation and paperwork CD sets up the photo shoot. The gal’s hair is washed and cleaned by an expert beautician using the best imported shampoo and lots of photographs are taken of her hair in various hair styles in landscaped gardens, in the shower, in an office setting etc.
Scene at the studio
Gal: what the f*&%$ I thought I will be modeling for cosmetics, why are you photographing my hair and not my face?
CD: er, this is just the beginning; we will unveil your lovely face in a phased manner.
Gal (happily): Oh ok.
After the shoot she is paid a pittance and unceremoniously shown the door.
TOOTHPASTE
MG: I know our Raja Toothpaste sucks but I gotta sales target to meet here.
CD: Whatever!
Talent Scout is sent to various colleges during lunch break. He shortlists a couple of gals and guys with the widest grins, and gets them over to the studio where a dentist waits with white paint.
Scene at the studio
Gal no. 1: What’s that? (Pointing to the white paint)
Dentist: This is XYZ teeth cleaner.
Guy no. 2: What does it do?
Dentist: It cleans your teeth to a sparkling white. It is IDA certified.
Guys and Gals: That’s neat!!
Dentist to assistant: Give them all my visiting card. They will definitely need it by this time tomorrow.
The guys and gals are clothed in funky college costumes and their teeth painted white by the dentist. The photographer adjusts his filter to subdue the shine from their teeth and takes numerous group photos of the guys and gals grinning widely at the camera.
After the shoot they are paid a pittance and unceremoniously shown the lift, aching jaws and all.
APPOINTMENT AD FOR IT COMPANY
HR Manager: We need to get the best talents into our company.
CD: Ok, so what are the benefits that your company offers prospective employees?
HR: Benefits?? What’s that?
CD: Ok, I get the point!
Talent Scout is sent out to Engineering colleges to look for very ordinary looking guys and gals (VOG)(This is for a more realsitic effect). After short listing a few he approaches them.
TS: Hello I am from XYZ Modeling agency; we are looking for your kinda face for our latest ad campaign.
VOG: Us?
TS: Yes !! You guys kinda fit the role. What are your names?
VOG no 1: I am Nadamuri Tharakka Venkatravamma and these are my friends Marudur Gopala Krishnan , Shinykutty Johnson, Srilakshmi Venkatachalapathy and Konkona Roychowdhury.
TS: Whew that was quite a mouthful. You will look just right for the role I have in mind.
VOGs are dressed in office wear with access cards around their necks and taken to Taj Westend. They are made to sit in the conference room and photographed looking seriously into laptops. A blond man staying at the hotel is persuaded to sit with them for the shoot for added effect. Then the guys’ strip into swimming suits while the girls enter the pool in their Salwars and pose like they are having a blast. Finally they are taken to the in-house discotheque where they are photographed dancing and presumably having fun.
HR to CD: Make it look like it is great working for Really Soft Technologies Pvt. Ltd. even though we are a 24/7 sweatshop.
CD(sarcastically): Shall I shoot the Vidhana Soudha as the new Really Soft Technologies Pvt. Ltd. building madam ?
HR: Why not! Personally I would have preferred the Taj Mahal but we don’t have the money to send you even by second class three tier to Agra.
After the shoot the VOGs are paid a pittance and ceremoniously shown the Taj Westend gate by the liveried Gatekeeper.
The copywriter then takes these photos, writes a catchy headline a smart body copy and makes a snazzy advertisement, which is splashed in various publications for your consumption.
I think I will stick with Shikakai powder, Neem twigs and my present company.
Monday, January 16, 2006
The silent killer !
This is a true incident that happened last year.
Last summer me and three other girls were living in a house in a less populated part of Koramangala. My roomies were out-of-towners while I was a ‘fringe-Bangalorean’ that is my folks lived a little away from the city. In order to cut short the commute time I had convinced my parents that I should stay in the city during weekdays during summer Internships. My parent's reluctantly gave in when they met my other roomies and the landlord who was a nice gentleman. I was maha thrilled to be living alone for the first time in my life, that is if you discount the months before final exams when I usually stayed in the college hostel (but then that was more like being in the Central Jail, without the benefits.) The house in which we all lived like merry bachelorettes was a four bedroomed house, which means we had our own private rooms. My room was slightly bigger than the matchbox size of the other rooms and this was willingly ceded to me to accommodate my PC.
My room mates were a mallu gal ‘A’, a Bengali gal I used to call ‘Chikoo’ for obvious reasons ( she was plump) and ‘P’ a girl from Chennai. I was the only non-techie and Intern in this crowd. From day one, the four of us hit it off quite well. None of those "your-wet-towel-was on-my-bed" and "you-borrowed-my-shoes" frictions that happens to gals living in hostels or sharing rooms. I think having our own rooms was a big blessing.
One day I was very late coming from office. As a drove tiredly into the house I didn't notice that the streetlights were off. There were several empty plots near our house and a huge wooded park sprawled opposite the house. I pulled into the driveway and in the faint light of my bike headlights saw that my roomies bikes were already parked in the driveway. After I had switched off the light of my bike I noticed that it was pitch dark everywhere. Groping my way to the front door I felt around till I found the switch to the light on the verandah and flicked the light on. The verandah was instantly bathed in yellow light and I noticed that the front door was ajar. The house was pitch dark save for the flickering of the TV and there was no movement within. I felt a chill run up my spine. I fished out my mobile from my handbag and called the landline in the house. I could hear the phone ringing but no one picked up the phone. I tried my roomies mobiles with no luck.
Fearing the worst I gingerly went inside the near dark hall. The light switch for the hall near the front door was useless as there was no bulb in the socket. That left the tubelight with its switch at the other end of the hall. As I walked into the dark hall groping my way around I could get a terrible smell. The smell was quite overpowering and I felt nausea welling up within me. Covering my nose with my jacket I groped around till I found the tube light switch and put it on. As the tube light flickered I got the terrible glimpse of a dead body that lay sprawled in the hall. Stifling a scream I rushed wildly out of the hall and into the kitchen. Quickly closing the door to shut out the terrible sight I put on the light switch with a trembling hand. I froze in horror at the sight in the kitchen.
Crockery and cutlery lay everywhere and the kitchen was in a mess. On the kitchen platform were my roomies their eyes wide with terror, mouth open in a silent scream. ‘Chikoo’ clutched a blue plastic packet in her cold hand. It had “Bellona Cockroach Repellent” written across in bold letters....
And judging from the dead body of the cockroach in the hall it was damn effective.
The salesman was right, it was ‘deadly’.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trackback: In my absence, one of my roomies had lit the Bellona agarbathi thinking that it was a regular agarbthi. This had caused the cockroach to come out and breathe its last in the hall where they were sitting watching TV. And since all three were terrified of cockroaches they would have fled to the nearest room i.e. the kitchen on seeing the roach in the hall. But to their bad luck the smell of the agarbathi had made the roaches in the kitchen to crawl out too to die on the kitchen floor. This would have made them jump on the kitchen platform effectively trapping them till I came back from work.
I took a broom and gathered the lone ranger in the hall and the other fellahs in the kitchen and put them to their final rest in the drain outside. After a thorough inspection of the house and lots of reassuring my roomies finally climbed down from their perch of one hour.
‘A’ gets married in May and ‘Chikoo’ in March. Me and ‘P’ the youngest amongst the four are now back with our parents. But this is one incident that we will never forget for a long time to come.
Last summer me and three other girls were living in a house in a less populated part of Koramangala. My roomies were out-of-towners while I was a ‘fringe-Bangalorean’ that is my folks lived a little away from the city. In order to cut short the commute time I had convinced my parents that I should stay in the city during weekdays during summer Internships. My parent's reluctantly gave in when they met my other roomies and the landlord who was a nice gentleman. I was maha thrilled to be living alone for the first time in my life, that is if you discount the months before final exams when I usually stayed in the college hostel (but then that was more like being in the Central Jail, without the benefits.) The house in which we all lived like merry bachelorettes was a four bedroomed house, which means we had our own private rooms. My room was slightly bigger than the matchbox size of the other rooms and this was willingly ceded to me to accommodate my PC.
My room mates were a mallu gal ‘A’, a Bengali gal I used to call ‘Chikoo’ for obvious reasons ( she was plump) and ‘P’ a girl from Chennai. I was the only non-techie and Intern in this crowd. From day one, the four of us hit it off quite well. None of those "your-wet-towel-was on-my-bed" and "you-borrowed-my-shoes" frictions that happens to gals living in hostels or sharing rooms. I think having our own rooms was a big blessing.
One day I was very late coming from office. As a drove tiredly into the house I didn't notice that the streetlights were off. There were several empty plots near our house and a huge wooded park sprawled opposite the house. I pulled into the driveway and in the faint light of my bike headlights saw that my roomies bikes were already parked in the driveway. After I had switched off the light of my bike I noticed that it was pitch dark everywhere. Groping my way to the front door I felt around till I found the switch to the light on the verandah and flicked the light on. The verandah was instantly bathed in yellow light and I noticed that the front door was ajar. The house was pitch dark save for the flickering of the TV and there was no movement within. I felt a chill run up my spine. I fished out my mobile from my handbag and called the landline in the house. I could hear the phone ringing but no one picked up the phone. I tried my roomies mobiles with no luck.
Fearing the worst I gingerly went inside the near dark hall. The light switch for the hall near the front door was useless as there was no bulb in the socket. That left the tubelight with its switch at the other end of the hall. As I walked into the dark hall groping my way around I could get a terrible smell. The smell was quite overpowering and I felt nausea welling up within me. Covering my nose with my jacket I groped around till I found the tube light switch and put it on. As the tube light flickered I got the terrible glimpse of a dead body that lay sprawled in the hall. Stifling a scream I rushed wildly out of the hall and into the kitchen. Quickly closing the door to shut out the terrible sight I put on the light switch with a trembling hand. I froze in horror at the sight in the kitchen.
Crockery and cutlery lay everywhere and the kitchen was in a mess. On the kitchen platform were my roomies their eyes wide with terror, mouth open in a silent scream. ‘Chikoo’ clutched a blue plastic packet in her cold hand. It had “Bellona Cockroach Repellent” written across in bold letters....
And judging from the dead body of the cockroach in the hall it was damn effective.
The salesman was right, it was ‘deadly’.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trackback: In my absence, one of my roomies had lit the Bellona agarbathi thinking that it was a regular agarbthi. This had caused the cockroach to come out and breathe its last in the hall where they were sitting watching TV. And since all three were terrified of cockroaches they would have fled to the nearest room i.e. the kitchen on seeing the roach in the hall. But to their bad luck the smell of the agarbathi had made the roaches in the kitchen to crawl out too to die on the kitchen floor. This would have made them jump on the kitchen platform effectively trapping them till I came back from work.
I took a broom and gathered the lone ranger in the hall and the other fellahs in the kitchen and put them to their final rest in the drain outside. After a thorough inspection of the house and lots of reassuring my roomies finally climbed down from their perch of one hour.
‘A’ gets married in May and ‘Chikoo’ in March. Me and ‘P’ the youngest amongst the four are now back with our parents. But this is one incident that we will never forget for a long time to come.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Forever young !
Thursday morning, and the usual avalanche of SMS’s fall on me as the gals plan Friday night’s jam session. I am caught in the middle of a crossfire of SMS’s going back and forth for a good one and a half hour.
1. silverine’s place, we can have a barbecue
2. No! 2 far + pesky brother how about N’s place?
3. No, pesky brother there too, how about S’s place?
4. No, her mom will close us by 10
5. Shobha?
6. Pesky younger sister
7. Ok then it is silverine’s place then
8. Ok.
It’s a wonder we get any work done at all on a Thursday.
Next round of SMS’ starts post lunch.
1. Bacardi Breezer for me
2. Rum, OM
3. KF Beer
4. Smirnoff
5. Blue Riband
6. somebody please get the softdrinks too
7. I hate Smirnoff , make it Absolut
8. I hate KF Beer, get me UB
9. Grovers White Wine
10. Who will buy?
11. Silverine and Nisha
12. Why us?????
13. (silence)
Friday evening me and Nisha set off for Sunday to Monday (S2M). Nisha grumbles that it took her a good half an hour to write down the booze list from her mobile while I look around furtively to see if any relation/friend of the family is around. I will never bump into a relation/friend of the family when I am shopping for groceries, but the moment I pick up a bottle of booze they appear miraculously from nowhere.*sigh*
The coast was clear. S2M was thinly populated with housewives and snotty hyperactive kids. We take our trolley and with the air of experienced boozards begin filling up the trolley. Pretty soon it is evident that we will need another trolley (because we had to keep the bottles horizontal in single file to avoid breakage). I walk across with an air of great interest to the Masala section, see an abandoned trolley and quickly grab it and we begin filling it up. After some time it becomes evident that something was horribly wrong with our booze shopping list because we are in need of a third trolley!!!!!
Time for SMS’s again.
1. Ok, tell us exactly how much booze you all want!
2. I want 3 breezers, orange flavor
3. 3 UB beers, pint
4. One wine, very chilled ok?
5. Smirnoff, 250 ml yaar
6. one 500 ml coke, sprite, fanta
7. if they don’t have OM get Celebration Rum,
8. They don’t have quarter? How dumb!
9. Ok then get me a 500 ml
10. Sausages over at Foodworld, can you get it instead?
11. Hey I am Veg remember?
12. Yeah, and I am Miss India
And so on and so forth. Pretty soon we are cursing and swearing and jotting down the ‘orders’. Now we know why waiters give us the cruel eye when we get into a debate on the merits and demerits of various brands of alcohol while he is waiting, pencil poised to take our orders.
After filling up for the second time, we go to the billing area near the exit. I see my Uncle John, my Dad’s drinking buddy coming straight at us. I duck behind the plastic wares shelf leaving a flustered Nisha with two trolleys laden with booze. Uncle John takes his time at the toiletry section and Nisha manages to push both the trolley amidst curses to 8 generations of my ancestors to the billing area. We are 5th in the queue consisting of a beautiful grey haired grandmom buying cheese and sugarless cookies, an old couple buying papadams, a mom buying half the store, and two guys buying Maggi Noodles and Sprite ( guess they were eating in style that day).
And as is wont for people waiting in the queue, everyone is casually looking around at the people coming in and the people waiting with them and at the …..trolleys. Our trolley looks like a bootleggers tempo and bottles stick out like fluorescent sore thumbs. The elderly gentleman standing in front of us with namam on forehead looks disapprovingly at us. He whispers something to his wife. She looks at our trolley pointedly, then stares at us coldly making both of us squirm like two worms on a hot plate. Then mom decides to look around. Her eyes freeze as she spots our trolley, widens in disbelief and she looks away disapprovingly. Then one of the not-so-merry bachelors standing behind the Grandmom espies our trolley. He nudges his friend and both giggle like two school girls who have just seen a packet of condoms. I suggest to Nisha that we give a swig of the wine to these people and both of us collapse into giggles at the very thought. (More disapproving stares)
Our turn comes at last and the cashier starts removing the bottles one by one painstakingly scanning the barcode one by one blessed bottle at a time. We ignore the stares and smirks of the growing queue and finally manage to leave the place after what seemed an eternity.
As we were walking out cursing and grumbling and groaning at the weight of the bottles and the ‘narrow minded” people, we heard a voice calling out - “Girls!” We look around and see that it was the white haired Grandma who was ahead of the sober bachelors in the line. She waves, smiles and then winks and says. “Have a blast, girls. And have a large one for me.”
We smile right back absolutely bowled over by the spunky lady.
At last!!! Someone who understands us. Someone who is our age !! (at least at heart.)
As we walk away I catch myself singing "Forever young, I want to be forever young"
1. silverine’s place, we can have a barbecue
2. No! 2 far + pesky brother how about N’s place?
3. No, pesky brother there too, how about S’s place?
4. No, her mom will close us by 10
5. Shobha?
6. Pesky younger sister
7. Ok then it is silverine’s place then
8. Ok.
It’s a wonder we get any work done at all on a Thursday.
Next round of SMS’ starts post lunch.
1. Bacardi Breezer for me
2. Rum, OM
3. KF Beer
4. Smirnoff
5. Blue Riband
6. somebody please get the softdrinks too
7. I hate Smirnoff , make it Absolut
8. I hate KF Beer, get me UB
9. Grovers White Wine
10. Who will buy?
11. Silverine and Nisha
12. Why us?????
13. (silence)
Friday evening me and Nisha set off for Sunday to Monday (S2M). Nisha grumbles that it took her a good half an hour to write down the booze list from her mobile while I look around furtively to see if any relation/friend of the family is around. I will never bump into a relation/friend of the family when I am shopping for groceries, but the moment I pick up a bottle of booze they appear miraculously from nowhere.*sigh*
The coast was clear. S2M was thinly populated with housewives and snotty hyperactive kids. We take our trolley and with the air of experienced boozards begin filling up the trolley. Pretty soon it is evident that we will need another trolley (because we had to keep the bottles horizontal in single file to avoid breakage). I walk across with an air of great interest to the Masala section, see an abandoned trolley and quickly grab it and we begin filling it up. After some time it becomes evident that something was horribly wrong with our booze shopping list because we are in need of a third trolley!!!!!
Time for SMS’s again.
1. Ok, tell us exactly how much booze you all want!
2. I want 3 breezers, orange flavor
3. 3 UB beers, pint
4. One wine, very chilled ok?
5. Smirnoff, 250 ml yaar
6. one 500 ml coke, sprite, fanta
7. if they don’t have OM get Celebration Rum,
8. They don’t have quarter? How dumb!
9. Ok then get me a 500 ml
10. Sausages over at Foodworld, can you get it instead?
11. Hey I am Veg remember?
12. Yeah, and I am Miss India
And so on and so forth. Pretty soon we are cursing and swearing and jotting down the ‘orders’. Now we know why waiters give us the cruel eye when we get into a debate on the merits and demerits of various brands of alcohol while he is waiting, pencil poised to take our orders.
After filling up for the second time, we go to the billing area near the exit. I see my Uncle John, my Dad’s drinking buddy coming straight at us. I duck behind the plastic wares shelf leaving a flustered Nisha with two trolleys laden with booze. Uncle John takes his time at the toiletry section and Nisha manages to push both the trolley amidst curses to 8 generations of my ancestors to the billing area. We are 5th in the queue consisting of a beautiful grey haired grandmom buying cheese and sugarless cookies, an old couple buying papadams, a mom buying half the store, and two guys buying Maggi Noodles and Sprite ( guess they were eating in style that day).
And as is wont for people waiting in the queue, everyone is casually looking around at the people coming in and the people waiting with them and at the …..trolleys. Our trolley looks like a bootleggers tempo and bottles stick out like fluorescent sore thumbs. The elderly gentleman standing in front of us with namam on forehead looks disapprovingly at us. He whispers something to his wife. She looks at our trolley pointedly, then stares at us coldly making both of us squirm like two worms on a hot plate. Then mom decides to look around. Her eyes freeze as she spots our trolley, widens in disbelief and she looks away disapprovingly. Then one of the not-so-merry bachelors standing behind the Grandmom espies our trolley. He nudges his friend and both giggle like two school girls who have just seen a packet of condoms. I suggest to Nisha that we give a swig of the wine to these people and both of us collapse into giggles at the very thought. (More disapproving stares)
Our turn comes at last and the cashier starts removing the bottles one by one painstakingly scanning the barcode one by one blessed bottle at a time. We ignore the stares and smirks of the growing queue and finally manage to leave the place after what seemed an eternity.
As we were walking out cursing and grumbling and groaning at the weight of the bottles and the ‘narrow minded” people, we heard a voice calling out - “Girls!” We look around and see that it was the white haired Grandma who was ahead of the sober bachelors in the line. She waves, smiles and then winks and says. “Have a blast, girls. And have a large one for me.”
We smile right back absolutely bowled over by the spunky lady.
At last!!! Someone who understands us. Someone who is our age !! (at least at heart.)
As we walk away I catch myself singing "Forever young, I want to be forever young"
Sunday, January 08, 2006
One for the road!
Dear Bengalureans!
Namaskara! I am Doddappa. Senior Driver BMTC. I am working in BMTC for past several days and hence the promotion as Senior Driver. (I would have been a Class I driver but for the blindness in one eye and color blindness in the other)
First of all, you pedestrians should realize that I love each one of you like just like my own brother or sister. Not that I don’t have any of my own, but then "the customer is always right yadda yadda" and I have to make the right noises according to the management this year....and I am not talking of the bus horn.
My bus is named Road King. I love driving. But I hate the people who come under my wheels. It is kinda uncool to have your tyres dirtied so often you know. So people, please try and keep out of the roads and if you must venture out, do it in a BMTC.
To drive home this point we drivers have adopted a new motto this year.
“The safest place in Bangalore is INSIDE a BMTC bus”.
On this auspicious occasion I have New Year message for all you lovely people of Bengaluru.
My first message is for you pesky...er young and bright bike riders. The road is for the big boys period. Think of your mom, sister, wife and other female relations when you decide to step on the road. Won’t they miss the chance to cook and feed you and keep your home, wash your clothes etc etc etc (and whatever else it is that women do) when you are dead? Therefore keeping them in consideration, hop on my jolly jalopy and enjoy the ride. Do us a favor. Lose the bike.
My next message is for all you irritating...well I meant well heeled four wheeler drivers. The road is not for woosies, period. Think of the size of my four wheeler.Then think of the size and EMI of your four wheeler. Then think of dealing with our Traffic Cops when you get your Merc dented! Then think of that nice garage you have at home. Then think of your car parked safely in the garage! Hope you are getting the big picture here....
Third message goes out to our tempo drivers, lorry driver etc."You scratch my back I will mangle yours right back tee hee."
Fourth and final message goes out to our dear Auto Rickshaw Drivers." F%&@ you all !!!"
I end my message wishing all pedestrians......I mean Bengalureans "Hosa Varshada Shubhaashayagalu!”
Translated into English it means "Happily New Year!"
Please remember, “The safest place in Bangalore is INSIDE a BMTC bus”. Kapiche?
Your's very sincerely,
Doddappa
Namaskara! I am Doddappa. Senior Driver BMTC. I am working in BMTC for past several days and hence the promotion as Senior Driver. (I would have been a Class I driver but for the blindness in one eye and color blindness in the other)
First of all, you pedestrians should realize that I love each one of you like just like my own brother or sister. Not that I don’t have any of my own, but then "the customer is always right yadda yadda" and I have to make the right noises according to the management this year....and I am not talking of the bus horn.
My bus is named Road King. I love driving. But I hate the people who come under my wheels. It is kinda uncool to have your tyres dirtied so often you know. So people, please try and keep out of the roads and if you must venture out, do it in a BMTC.
To drive home this point we drivers have adopted a new motto this year.
“The safest place in Bangalore is INSIDE a BMTC bus”.
On this auspicious occasion I have New Year message for all you lovely people of Bengaluru.
My first message is for you pesky...er young and bright bike riders. The road is for the big boys period. Think of your mom, sister, wife and other female relations when you decide to step on the road. Won’t they miss the chance to cook and feed you and keep your home, wash your clothes etc etc etc (and whatever else it is that women do) when you are dead? Therefore keeping them in consideration, hop on my jolly jalopy and enjoy the ride. Do us a favor. Lose the bike.
My next message is for all you irritating...well I meant well heeled four wheeler drivers. The road is not for woosies, period. Think of the size of my four wheeler.Then think of the size and EMI of your four wheeler. Then think of dealing with our Traffic Cops when you get your Merc dented! Then think of that nice garage you have at home. Then think of your car parked safely in the garage! Hope you are getting the big picture here....
Third message goes out to our tempo drivers, lorry driver etc."You scratch my back I will mangle yours right back tee hee."
Fourth and final message goes out to our dear Auto Rickshaw Drivers." F%&@ you all !!!"
I end my message wishing all pedestrians......I mean Bengalureans "Hosa Varshada Shubhaashayagalu!”
Translated into English it means "Happily New Year!"
Please remember, “The safest place in Bangalore is INSIDE a BMTC bus”. Kapiche?
Your's very sincerely,
Doddappa
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Cameraware
Today as I sat at my comp hard at work, a chat window pops up in front of me startling me. It was my friend Sunitha and her message read “I can see what you doing, you bad girl !”. I was battling to keep my temper in check after a mail from the Printer telling me that the printing matter that was to be delivered today would be delivered next week as there was a huge traffic jam near the Printing Press!!!! The stupid fellow always gives such innovative excuse because he has not done the job. That’s when the chat window pops up on the monitor.
This particular incident got me thinking. What if in the near future someone develops a a Camera like software programme that could be sent to other peoples computers as a malicious attachment to capture images and sounds of the person using the computer, his surroundings etc? (Do I hear that it is already under development? *shudder*)
At the rate at which technology is leapfrogging frontiers I wouldn’t be surprised if such a thing does happen soon. The enormity of its impact on our day to day lives I am sure would be tremendous. Imagine putting on your comp and then running a “cameraware” scan to remove malicious camera programmes every time you use the comp? And be forever wary that you are being observed by “cameraware’ that slips in like adware into your computer. It would be like living in fear forever! Even pesky adwares are difficult to remove completely as they keep reappearing, so a “cameraware’ would be just as difficult to remove completely from the system. Besides such a programme may be able to read or scan important files stored in your computer and send it out using your email to a remote operator.
Computers will be confined to isolated rooms in homes as you dare not keep it in your bedroom because you change your clothes in there. Or in any other room for that matter because a your comp is now a potential peeping tom. A ‘cameraware’ will become very useful for industrial espionage as it will be easy to install and use unlike bugs.
I can think of dozens of potential hazardous applications for a ‘cameraware’ none palatable. I am sure Symantec and Grisoft will make their billions making Anti Cameraware programmes to combat the growing intrusion into our personal space. And as they make software to detect hidden Cameraware, so will the makers of Cameraware make newer and more sophisticated editions of Cameraware that will be increasingly devious and difficult to detect.
Someone please tell me that this is a technical impossibility!
( p.s.dreamslittle has elaborated the impact of such a technology in his blog)
This particular incident got me thinking. What if in the near future someone develops a a Camera like software programme that could be sent to other peoples computers as a malicious attachment to capture images and sounds of the person using the computer, his surroundings etc? (Do I hear that it is already under development? *shudder*)
At the rate at which technology is leapfrogging frontiers I wouldn’t be surprised if such a thing does happen soon. The enormity of its impact on our day to day lives I am sure would be tremendous. Imagine putting on your comp and then running a “cameraware” scan to remove malicious camera programmes every time you use the comp? And be forever wary that you are being observed by “cameraware’ that slips in like adware into your computer. It would be like living in fear forever! Even pesky adwares are difficult to remove completely as they keep reappearing, so a “cameraware’ would be just as difficult to remove completely from the system. Besides such a programme may be able to read or scan important files stored in your computer and send it out using your email to a remote operator.
Computers will be confined to isolated rooms in homes as you dare not keep it in your bedroom because you change your clothes in there. Or in any other room for that matter because a your comp is now a potential peeping tom. A ‘cameraware’ will become very useful for industrial espionage as it will be easy to install and use unlike bugs.
I can think of dozens of potential hazardous applications for a ‘cameraware’ none palatable. I am sure Symantec and Grisoft will make their billions making Anti Cameraware programmes to combat the growing intrusion into our personal space. And as they make software to detect hidden Cameraware, so will the makers of Cameraware make newer and more sophisticated editions of Cameraware that will be increasingly devious and difficult to detect.
Someone please tell me that this is a technical impossibility!
( p.s.dreamslittle has elaborated the impact of such a technology in his blog)
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
GE
Many years ago (exactly 55 years, 2 months and 4 torturous days ago) a little baby boy was born in a small village of Karnataka. His name was Puttanna. Puttanna was a chubby child with a distinct fondness for food. He held his first ever-greasy serving spoon at the tender age of two and his parent's just knew that he had a great future as a Cordon Bleu Chef.
At the tender age of six he chopped his first putrid onion. By age eight he was mixing masalas with his right hand while digging his nose with the left. By age twelve he could ambidextrously scratch his unmentionables with one hand while stirring the sambhar with another. He thus showed the qualities of a great cook at a very early age and by age 16 he was made an apprentice with the village wedding cook Ranganna !! On his 18th birthday he made his very first Rasam. Alas!!! Ranganna died soon after tasting the Rasam.
And thus Puttana was elevated to the status of the village wedding cook. It was a proud day indeed for his parents. Puttana soon became world famous in his village and much in demand as it was noticed that there was a marked fall in wedding attendees when word got out that Puttana would be the presiding chef!
Puttana soon got bored with the same old routine of a wedding cook, after all there were only so many dishes he could butcher er...master. So one day he bid farewell to his tearful parents and set out for namma Bengaluru to seeku his fortunu in a five star hotelu er...hotel. What happened after he landed in Bengaluru (erstwhile Bangalore) is hazy but some people say he was arrested for poisoning a wedding party and thus landed in the Bengaluru Central Jail. In jail he befriended the prison cook and became his assistant thus further polishing his cooking skills. Puttana was an instant hit with the jail authorities because he greatly reduced the prison food bills. The money thus saved could now be used to treat inmates of the mysterious gastric ailments that nearly killed and maimed quite a few inmates. It was said that during Puttan's term even hurly burly rowdy sheeters quaked in fear when the meal gong reverberated in the jail corridors. Prisoners had to be dragged to the dining hall and there were many cases of jail break attempts.
Soon physically taxing interrogation sessions became a cake walk in Bengaluru Police Stations. A bowl of Puttana’s best rasam if placed in front of the criminal would make him sing like a canary. Till date Amnesty International never found out how, many a prisoner died during interrogation. (No pathologist ever thought of looking for Puttanas signature bondas in the dead men's entrails and all such cases were filed as “Unexplained Phenomena.”)
Soon after Puttana’s jail term was over he came out and looked at the Bangalore skyline. He was impressed with the numerous glass structures housing IT companies. They looked more impressive than five star hotels to his untrained yes. He decided that after conquering the taste buds of prisoners he would now conquer the taste buds of people working in these glass structures. He soon established a company called Ganesh Enterprises (GE)( or “Gastro Enteritis” as it is known in our company).
Today GE proudly runs our cafeteria and is a standing testimony to the fact that “bad cooking never killed anybody..it just maims your taste buds for life”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
GE Menu Card a.k.a. Choose your own suicide method.
Monday:
Breakfast: Granite idlis, rancid sambhar and gunpowder chutney. (bring your own hammer and Fire Extinguisher)
Snacks: Ferocious Chilli Bhajji , tame coconut chutney. (guaranteed to give you an ulcer in one hour or your money back guarantee)
Lunch: Horrors!!!!
Evening Snack: Pakodas with ignorance-is-bliss fillings (curiosity killed many an employees appetite)
Tuesday:
Breakfast: MRF Tyre like Dosa, baby poo colored vapid chutney and thinner-than-water sambhar ( MRF’s Envy, Puttanna’s Pride)
Snacks: Mortar Vadas with tomoto kichip or you may call it tomoto saas ( one part red sauce, 10 part potato paste) !
Lunch: Gulp!
Snack: Samoosas (Friday's stale chapathi filled with Thursday's Potato curry and deep fried in engine oil.)
Wednesday:
Breakfast: Super Gluey Upma (toothpick absolutely FREE to dig out upma from roof of mouth)
Snacks: Puttana's Signature Bonda (buy one get one FREE on Wednesday, eat all you can FREE on other days.)
Lunch: O.H M.Y G.A.W.D !!!!
Evening Snacks: Yegg Sanveg, Chiss Sanveg, Vigitible Sanveg
( Yegg = butter and Egg Powder , Chiss = butter and the firm belief that you are actually having cheese, Vigitible = butter with a choice of very lifeless vegetables, ignore the caterpillar, he is friendly)
You guessed it, GE's credo is " We bring things to life!"
Thursday:
Breakfast: Dunlop Tyres like Puri and Potato Curry. (boiled potatoes in hot water, bring your own masala )
Snacks: Vigitible Cutlets* with tomoto kichip or tomoto saas ! ( *pop it right in, don’t dare to look what’s inside, Pray)
Lunch: Two deworming tablets please!
Evening Snacks: Pisssa, An exotic dish made with a white chapathi, tomoto poori (puree) topped with vigitables and a generous 3 mm coating of the best Italian chiss supplied by Guttihalli Bakery. (no additional charge for cockroach/lizard and other assorted animals)
Friday:
Breakfast: Gelusil / Digene
Snacks: Gelusil / Digene
Lunch: Gelusil / Digene
Evening Snacks: Gelusil / Digene
Wash above mentioned delicacies down with Coffee that can be an excellent substitute for Weak Hydrochloric Acid and Tea that can also double up as hot water.
Saturday: Check into nearest detoxification clinic if you are still alive.
At the tender age of six he chopped his first putrid onion. By age eight he was mixing masalas with his right hand while digging his nose with the left. By age twelve he could ambidextrously scratch his unmentionables with one hand while stirring the sambhar with another. He thus showed the qualities of a great cook at a very early age and by age 16 he was made an apprentice with the village wedding cook Ranganna !! On his 18th birthday he made his very first Rasam. Alas!!! Ranganna died soon after tasting the Rasam.
And thus Puttana was elevated to the status of the village wedding cook. It was a proud day indeed for his parents. Puttana soon became world famous in his village and much in demand as it was noticed that there was a marked fall in wedding attendees when word got out that Puttana would be the presiding chef!
Puttana soon got bored with the same old routine of a wedding cook, after all there were only so many dishes he could butcher er...master. So one day he bid farewell to his tearful parents and set out for namma Bengaluru to seeku his fortunu in a five star hotelu er...hotel. What happened after he landed in Bengaluru (erstwhile Bangalore) is hazy but some people say he was arrested for poisoning a wedding party and thus landed in the Bengaluru Central Jail. In jail he befriended the prison cook and became his assistant thus further polishing his cooking skills. Puttana was an instant hit with the jail authorities because he greatly reduced the prison food bills. The money thus saved could now be used to treat inmates of the mysterious gastric ailments that nearly killed and maimed quite a few inmates. It was said that during Puttan's term even hurly burly rowdy sheeters quaked in fear when the meal gong reverberated in the jail corridors. Prisoners had to be dragged to the dining hall and there were many cases of jail break attempts.
Soon physically taxing interrogation sessions became a cake walk in Bengaluru Police Stations. A bowl of Puttana’s best rasam if placed in front of the criminal would make him sing like a canary. Till date Amnesty International never found out how, many a prisoner died during interrogation. (No pathologist ever thought of looking for Puttanas signature bondas in the dead men's entrails and all such cases were filed as “Unexplained Phenomena.”)
Soon after Puttana’s jail term was over he came out and looked at the Bangalore skyline. He was impressed with the numerous glass structures housing IT companies. They looked more impressive than five star hotels to his untrained yes. He decided that after conquering the taste buds of prisoners he would now conquer the taste buds of people working in these glass structures. He soon established a company called Ganesh Enterprises (GE)( or “Gastro Enteritis” as it is known in our company).
Today GE proudly runs our cafeteria and is a standing testimony to the fact that “bad cooking never killed anybody..it just maims your taste buds for life”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
GE Menu Card a.k.a. Choose your own suicide method.
Monday:
Breakfast: Granite idlis, rancid sambhar and gunpowder chutney. (bring your own hammer and Fire Extinguisher)
Snacks: Ferocious Chilli Bhajji , tame coconut chutney. (guaranteed to give you an ulcer in one hour or your money back guarantee)
Lunch: Horrors!!!!
Evening Snack: Pakodas with ignorance-is-bliss fillings (curiosity killed many an employees appetite)
Tuesday:
Breakfast: MRF Tyre like Dosa, baby poo colored vapid chutney and thinner-than-water sambhar ( MRF’s Envy, Puttanna’s Pride)
Snacks: Mortar Vadas with tomoto kichip or you may call it tomoto saas ( one part red sauce, 10 part potato paste) !
Lunch: Gulp!
Snack: Samoosas (Friday's stale chapathi filled with Thursday's Potato curry and deep fried in engine oil.)
Wednesday:
Breakfast: Super Gluey Upma (toothpick absolutely FREE to dig out upma from roof of mouth)
Snacks: Puttana's Signature Bonda (buy one get one FREE on Wednesday, eat all you can FREE on other days.)
Lunch: O.H M.Y G.A.W.D !!!!
Evening Snacks: Yegg Sanveg, Chiss Sanveg, Vigitible Sanveg
( Yegg = butter and Egg Powder , Chiss = butter and the firm belief that you are actually having cheese, Vigitible = butter with a choice of very lifeless vegetables, ignore the caterpillar, he is friendly)
You guessed it, GE's credo is " We bring things to life!"
Thursday:
Breakfast: Dunlop Tyres like Puri and Potato Curry. (boiled potatoes in hot water, bring your own masala )
Snacks: Vigitible Cutlets* with tomoto kichip or tomoto saas ! ( *pop it right in, don’t dare to look what’s inside, Pray)
Lunch: Two deworming tablets please!
Evening Snacks: Pisssa, An exotic dish made with a white chapathi, tomoto poori (puree) topped with vigitables and a generous 3 mm coating of the best Italian chiss supplied by Guttihalli Bakery. (no additional charge for cockroach/lizard and other assorted animals)
Friday:
Breakfast: Gelusil / Digene
Snacks: Gelusil / Digene
Lunch: Gelusil / Digene
Evening Snacks: Gelusil / Digene
Wash above mentioned delicacies down with Coffee that can be an excellent substitute for Weak Hydrochloric Acid and Tea that can also double up as hot water.
Saturday: Check into nearest detoxification clinic if you are still alive.
Monday, January 02, 2006
PR in Heaven !
It is New Year eve and God is in a tizzy! He is alarmed at the rumors going around on earth about Heaven being a staid and boring place vis a vis the image of hell ... which was that of a rocking party zone where all sorts of immoralities could be carried out without the fear of God. God convenes a emergency meeting at 2 am celestial time with St. Peter , Archangel Gabriel and some other important Saints to discuss this serious development. St. Peter, who during his office timings at the Pearly Gates is wont to wander off to have a sneak peep into Hell is the first one to speak. “ We should hire a PR person and go for a complete image makeover of Heaven. We are facing a very techno savvy Internet generation and our traditional propaganda will not cut ice with them. I have seen the wonders that word-of-mouth-publicity has done for Hell!!” Everyone present at the meeting nod their assent leading to a lot of halos banging and jangling against each other. God surreptitiously removes the cotton balls that he keeps for such meetings and stuffs them in his ears. (The jangling noise was getting on his nerves.) For this brilliant suggestion St. Peter is entrusted with the job of finding a suitable PR person to undertake this Herculean task.
Next day St. Peter bids goodbye to all the angels and saints and after entrusting the task of gatekeeping to Gabriel sets out to look for a suitable PR person for Operation Yo Mama (the secret code word for the PR operation) He searches the Heavens and Earth for weeks but is unsuccessful in his endeavours as all the good PR people were in Hell!
On his return to gatekeeping he is as usual taking his Milk and Honey break sitting pensive on Hell’s walls peeping into Hell and ogling at the ladies when the Devil appeares and says to him. “ Petes my dear friend!!! I know what you are looking for. You need a good PR person right? I know of someone on Earth who can do the job well. She is known as Miss Communication and she is known for her good PR skills. ( the devil is devious , he knows this gal has made a hash of the PR job that was entrusted to her for only one day. He is hoping for a similar goof up.) St. Peter is immensely relieved, as God had threatened to demote him to a Milk Bar Vendor if he did not get the PR person by the weekend. ( poor St. Peter he loved his Scotch and being next to the Neon Gates of Hell, could occasionally sneak into Hell for a quick swig). The thought of pouring milk for the heavenly inmates for the rest of his life was unnerving. The last milk vendor in Heaven was caught spiking the milk with Scotch to contain the rebellion of the souls who were fed up of the constant diet of milk and honey. He was then demoted as prayer vendor. He was again caught this time tampering with the prayers by inserting the word Big Daddy instead of God and Holy Molly instead of Holy Spirit to make it more interesting for the inmates bored of repeating the same prayers day in and day out for Eternity. He was again demoted to a gardening job in Eden. In the Garden of Eden this soul was again caught making illicit liqor from the grapes and further demoted as Halo Polisher and the saga of sacrilegious crimes continued. He was the first serial offender in the history of Creation.
Anyways to cut our narrative short St. Peter land up in namma Bengaluru( a mysterious place from where a lot of souls are seen entering the Neon Gates of Hell) and convinces MS to undertake the job.
Upon reaching Heaven, MS is shocked at the very pansy, pearl studded Pearly Gate. It was no wonder that many souls cast into heaven preferred to deviate to the flashing Neon Gate of Hell right next door. The Pearly Gate was also defaced with obscene grafitti by the heavenly inmates. One of the graffiti that made her gasp read:
It’s Hell in here,
Heaven next door!
She decides that in order to present Heaven as an attractive alternative to Hell, she would have to do some PR work for the heavenly inmates too. (So that they would stop making those ugly holes in Heaven’s pearly walls to stare shamelessly into the going ons in Hell)
On Day One she tears down the Pearly gates and installs a really funky doorway with an flashing illumination signboard in psychedelic pink, blue and orange. The signboard reads “ Enter at your own risk” and the Pearly Gates is now re-christened “Gateway to Heaven” to give it that air of adventure and thrills that was missing earlier.
On Day Two she attacks the boring white hospital robes of the heavenly inmates. She ropes in famous designer Michael Jackson for a complete redesign of the heavenly uniforms. Michael Jackson wields his/her magic scissors and soon the inmates are like the weirdos in Hell!
On Day Three MS's agenda was to reduce the overwhelming presence of Milk and Honey bars in heaven. She prevails upon St. Peter to get permission from God to operate Holy Wine Bars so that the inmates would get a break from their usual bland liquid diet. The inmates rejoice as this means that they need not sneak out of heaven to the seedy bars operated by Hell outside the Pearly Gates.
On Day Four MS pulls out all the angels patrolling Heavens boundaries and sends them for dance classes at the famous Bollywood Jatka School in Mumbai. Upon successful completion of their Dance classes they were to provide alternate entertainment to combat the steady stream of jumpees into Hell from Heaven.
On Day Five the rivers of milk and honey is dammed and replaced with Scotch and Vodka to combat the illicit bars outside the pearly gates from where the Guardian Angels had to regularly drag heavenly inmates back to Heaven.
On Day Six MS removes the Harps and Lyres played by the inmates and replaces them with the loudest electronic musical instruments available in the market. (Noise proofing Heavens walls to keep out the loud music from Hell did not help due to numerous holes made by the inmates)
OnDay Seven MS Wi-Fi's Heaven and Arch angel Gabriel is made the System Administrator ( He was suitably experienced in the job anyway due to the long hours he spent with his hellish counterpart in Hell's Network Neighborhood.)
MS looks at her creation and is satisfied. All she needs now is another client to meet her sales target this year.
The Devil in the meantime was getting increasingly alarmed with the transition of Heaven into a Hell-like-zone. He was now determined to get rid of MS and stop her make-over frenzy which was beginning to hit his bottom line and image really hard. (Just yesterday an inmate of Hell actually jumped the Pearly Walls into heaven when he saw the angels doing a “Pardesia” remix number to an appreciative audience) So one day the Devil sneaks into Heaven wearing his God costume that he has been successfully using from the time of Creation and lies in wait for MS in the garden of Eden. At last he spots her and confronts her.
Devil: I am God! I demand that you stop the makeover work in Heaven!
MS: What a long tail you have my Lord!
Devil: Er...it is the latest fashion accessory
MS: What sharp fangs you have my Lord!
Devil: er...it needs a lil trimming I know.
MS: And what an ugly face you have Mr. Devil!
Devil: er...was it that obvious?
MS:Hire me! I can make you look like God himself!
Devil: You are hired!! But make sure I look better than God.
MS: Of course!!! I will send you an Estimate for the job immediately.
PR gal successfully gets another client and the rest is history.
Next day St. Peter bids goodbye to all the angels and saints and after entrusting the task of gatekeeping to Gabriel sets out to look for a suitable PR person for Operation Yo Mama (the secret code word for the PR operation) He searches the Heavens and Earth for weeks but is unsuccessful in his endeavours as all the good PR people were in Hell!
On his return to gatekeeping he is as usual taking his Milk and Honey break sitting pensive on Hell’s walls peeping into Hell and ogling at the ladies when the Devil appeares and says to him. “ Petes my dear friend!!! I know what you are looking for. You need a good PR person right? I know of someone on Earth who can do the job well. She is known as Miss Communication and she is known for her good PR skills. ( the devil is devious , he knows this gal has made a hash of the PR job that was entrusted to her for only one day. He is hoping for a similar goof up.) St. Peter is immensely relieved, as God had threatened to demote him to a Milk Bar Vendor if he did not get the PR person by the weekend. ( poor St. Peter he loved his Scotch and being next to the Neon Gates of Hell, could occasionally sneak into Hell for a quick swig). The thought of pouring milk for the heavenly inmates for the rest of his life was unnerving. The last milk vendor in Heaven was caught spiking the milk with Scotch to contain the rebellion of the souls who were fed up of the constant diet of milk and honey. He was then demoted as prayer vendor. He was again caught this time tampering with the prayers by inserting the word Big Daddy instead of God and Holy Molly instead of Holy Spirit to make it more interesting for the inmates bored of repeating the same prayers day in and day out for Eternity. He was again demoted to a gardening job in Eden. In the Garden of Eden this soul was again caught making illicit liqor from the grapes and further demoted as Halo Polisher and the saga of sacrilegious crimes continued. He was the first serial offender in the history of Creation.
Anyways to cut our narrative short St. Peter land up in namma Bengaluru( a mysterious place from where a lot of souls are seen entering the Neon Gates of Hell) and convinces MS to undertake the job.
Upon reaching Heaven, MS is shocked at the very pansy, pearl studded Pearly Gate. It was no wonder that many souls cast into heaven preferred to deviate to the flashing Neon Gate of Hell right next door. The Pearly Gate was also defaced with obscene grafitti by the heavenly inmates. One of the graffiti that made her gasp read:
It’s Hell in here,
Heaven next door!
She decides that in order to present Heaven as an attractive alternative to Hell, she would have to do some PR work for the heavenly inmates too. (So that they would stop making those ugly holes in Heaven’s pearly walls to stare shamelessly into the going ons in Hell)
On Day One she tears down the Pearly gates and installs a really funky doorway with an flashing illumination signboard in psychedelic pink, blue and orange. The signboard reads “ Enter at your own risk” and the Pearly Gates is now re-christened “Gateway to Heaven” to give it that air of adventure and thrills that was missing earlier.
On Day Two she attacks the boring white hospital robes of the heavenly inmates. She ropes in famous designer Michael Jackson for a complete redesign of the heavenly uniforms. Michael Jackson wields his/her magic scissors and soon the inmates are like the weirdos in Hell!
On Day Three MS's agenda was to reduce the overwhelming presence of Milk and Honey bars in heaven. She prevails upon St. Peter to get permission from God to operate Holy Wine Bars so that the inmates would get a break from their usual bland liquid diet. The inmates rejoice as this means that they need not sneak out of heaven to the seedy bars operated by Hell outside the Pearly Gates.
On Day Four MS pulls out all the angels patrolling Heavens boundaries and sends them for dance classes at the famous Bollywood Jatka School in Mumbai. Upon successful completion of their Dance classes they were to provide alternate entertainment to combat the steady stream of jumpees into Hell from Heaven.
On Day Five the rivers of milk and honey is dammed and replaced with Scotch and Vodka to combat the illicit bars outside the pearly gates from where the Guardian Angels had to regularly drag heavenly inmates back to Heaven.
On Day Six MS removes the Harps and Lyres played by the inmates and replaces them with the loudest electronic musical instruments available in the market. (Noise proofing Heavens walls to keep out the loud music from Hell did not help due to numerous holes made by the inmates)
OnDay Seven MS Wi-Fi's Heaven and Arch angel Gabriel is made the System Administrator ( He was suitably experienced in the job anyway due to the long hours he spent with his hellish counterpart in Hell's Network Neighborhood.)
MS looks at her creation and is satisfied. All she needs now is another client to meet her sales target this year.
The Devil in the meantime was getting increasingly alarmed with the transition of Heaven into a Hell-like-zone. He was now determined to get rid of MS and stop her make-over frenzy which was beginning to hit his bottom line and image really hard. (Just yesterday an inmate of Hell actually jumped the Pearly Walls into heaven when he saw the angels doing a “Pardesia” remix number to an appreciative audience) So one day the Devil sneaks into Heaven wearing his God costume that he has been successfully using from the time of Creation and lies in wait for MS in the garden of Eden. At last he spots her and confronts her.
Devil: I am God! I demand that you stop the makeover work in Heaven!
MS: What a long tail you have my Lord!
Devil: Er...it is the latest fashion accessory
MS: What sharp fangs you have my Lord!
Devil: er...it needs a lil trimming I know.
MS: And what an ugly face you have Mr. Devil!
Devil: er...was it that obvious?
MS:Hire me! I can make you look like God himself!
Devil: You are hired!! But make sure I look better than God.
MS: Of course!!! I will send you an Estimate for the job immediately.
PR gal successfully gets another client and the rest is history.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Happy New Year !
My New Year Resolutions
Make a New Year Resolution!
Make a New Year Resolution that I can follow.
Stick to my New Year Resolutions
Remember my New Year Resolutions.
Make sure my New Year Resolution last at least a month.
If possible two months!
And if possible….
Stop getting obsessed about my New Year Resolutions.
Is there any way I can break my New Year Resolutions?
Can I make half-a-year New Year Resolution?
If I break my New Year Resolution can I start afresh?
Or do I have to wait for the next year?
Can not making a New Year Resolution be my New Year Resolution?
Is New Year Resolutions accepted by the law? Then please can I not pay taxes?
If I make a New Year Resolution to be on time for office, do I have to do it the whole year? ( oh my gawd!!! )
Do I have to make ‘good’ New Year Resolutions? I cannot always be nice to people when they tell me how much I look like my grandma every time they meet me.
Can I make ‘bad ‘New Year Resolutions like letting my dog on my pesky 10-year-old neighbor every time he bursts a cracker just when I am passing by?
Any ideas on New Year Resolutions?
I hate New Year Resolutions!!!! hmph
Have a great year dear blog pals. Hope to read lots more posts from you and I hope to post more often too. Now that’s a New Year Resolution to begin with!!!!
Happy New Year 2006!
Monday, December 26, 2005
Feel gifted !
The first gifts of the Season from other family members have started trickling in. My aunt gave me a beauuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful pack of heart shaped candles with glitter on them. I absolutely love them!!!!
Second gift is from a cousin brother. Hold you breaths girls. Trumpets sounds, cymbals clash as I open the gift.
IT IS A BOX OF GLITTERY EYE SHADOW !!!
Yuckk!!
( but the thought was nice)
Ok, this is it. That was the last straw on a gals fast sinking faith in the ability of most guys to buy a decent gift. I am now convinced that most guys are not gifted with the art of gifting ( corny line I know!! ) So here’s a guide for guys who are gifting-ideas-challenged and want to surprise the women* in their lives with that Perfect Gift. (* moms, sisters, girlfriends,wives, cousins sisters, colleagues etc.)
Warning: Please do not try this on men!
1. We do not like non stick pans. Please do not remind us of the drudgery of cooking for you.
2. We do not like crockery. It is a constant reminder that it needs to be filled with food.
3. But we love cookery books. Especially glossy ones with colorful pictures . Don’t ask me why Point No. 1 and Point No. 2 is disallowed when Point No 3 is allowed.
4. We like kitchen implements if they operate electronically and we are married ( or else you are in trouble, leave scene immediately).
5. We like candles. The fancier the better. Don’t ask me why! Just buy it!!
6. We love flowers, but stick to roses if you do not know about our likes and dislikes among the 200 other varieties available in the market.
7. We love artificial flowers, that is if you are onsite in the US or Europe.
8. We love perfumes, but please DO NOT BUY perfumes for us. We dont wanna smell like an oil slick! (Hint: Gift voucher)
9. We do not like aftershave. I know it smells wonderful.
10. Ditto for men’s deodorant. I know it does the same thing that a ladies deodorant does. grrrrrrrrr
11. We do not mind sarees if we are 21 and above. But please tell the shopkeeper that we will be coming soon to exchange it.
12. Ditto with books. But a subscription of Femina, Reader's Digest or Cosmo will be just fine.
13. We love jewelry but follow Point No 8 (Gift Voucher). Please remember a Rs 500/- Gift Voucher will not even get us an entry into a jewelry shop. The Gift Voucher should be in multiples of Rs.1000/- only!
14. It's true, Diamonds are indeed a girls best friend. (hint, hint)
15. We love gems but please tell sales girl our birthmonth so that she can give you our birthstone. We are very particular about this. However whatever our birthmonth, Diamonds are always welcome ;)
16. Everything that glitters is not gold for girls. So please go easy on glittery tops, shoes, handbags, lipstick and eyeshadows. Point No. 5 can be repeated here too.
17. We are extremely particular about our lipstick shade, so repeat Gift Voucher /Certificate here too.
18. If you are planning on buying lingerie for wife / girl
friend then “God help you!!!” Play safe, don't get caught consulting a Lingerie catalogue. Read it someplace safe.
19. We love chocolates. But we may not like chocolates as a gift because it is fattening. So it’s your call.
20. A weighing scale is not such a good idea of a present and can be potentially harmful to your skull.
21. We love paintings, but no nude women please... and vice versa.
22. We love crystals, especially those cute animals figurines in crystals.
23. Talking of crystals, we also like crystalware.
24. Teddy bears are acceptable if we are 12 years and below. Dolls also fall under this category!
25. Just because we are middle aged ( 50+) does not mean we do not appreciate flowers, so go easy on the Hot Water Bottles,prayer books and Shawls.
26. We love music CDs but who the heck is Laffy Taffy???? And Black Eyed Peas...? Is this some exotic vegetable? Please enquire about our taste in music from our friends before buying that CD.
27. If we are above 70, forget about the gift.....we would love to have you visit us.( ok senti rising to dangerous levels here, grandma I miss you * sniff* )
28. And ....the only brass that we wanna see, is on guys in uniform ;)
Second gift is from a cousin brother. Hold you breaths girls. Trumpets sounds, cymbals clash as I open the gift.
IT IS A BOX OF GLITTERY EYE SHADOW !!!
Yuckk!!
( but the thought was nice)
Ok, this is it. That was the last straw on a gals fast sinking faith in the ability of most guys to buy a decent gift. I am now convinced that most guys are not gifted with the art of gifting ( corny line I know!! ) So here’s a guide for guys who are gifting-ideas-challenged and want to surprise the women* in their lives with that Perfect Gift. (* moms, sisters, girlfriends,wives, cousins sisters, colleagues etc.)
Warning: Please do not try this on men!
1. We do not like non stick pans. Please do not remind us of the drudgery of cooking for you.
2. We do not like crockery. It is a constant reminder that it needs to be filled with food.
3. But we love cookery books. Especially glossy ones with colorful pictures . Don’t ask me why Point No. 1 and Point No. 2 is disallowed when Point No 3 is allowed.
4. We like kitchen implements if they operate electronically and we are married ( or else you are in trouble, leave scene immediately).
5. We like candles. The fancier the better. Don’t ask me why! Just buy it!!
6. We love flowers, but stick to roses if you do not know about our likes and dislikes among the 200 other varieties available in the market.
7. We love artificial flowers, that is if you are onsite in the US or Europe.
8. We love perfumes, but please DO NOT BUY perfumes for us. We dont wanna smell like an oil slick! (Hint: Gift voucher)
9. We do not like aftershave. I know it smells wonderful.
10. Ditto for men’s deodorant. I know it does the same thing that a ladies deodorant does. grrrrrrrrr
11. We do not mind sarees if we are 21 and above. But please tell the shopkeeper that we will be coming soon to exchange it.
12. Ditto with books. But a subscription of Femina, Reader's Digest or Cosmo will be just fine.
13. We love jewelry but follow Point No 8 (Gift Voucher). Please remember a Rs 500/- Gift Voucher will not even get us an entry into a jewelry shop. The Gift Voucher should be in multiples of Rs.1000/- only!
14. It's true, Diamonds are indeed a girls best friend. (hint, hint)
15. We love gems but please tell sales girl our birthmonth so that she can give you our birthstone. We are very particular about this. However whatever our birthmonth, Diamonds are always welcome ;)
16. Everything that glitters is not gold for girls. So please go easy on glittery tops, shoes, handbags, lipstick and eyeshadows. Point No. 5 can be repeated here too.
17. We are extremely particular about our lipstick shade, so repeat Gift Voucher /Certificate here too.
18. If you are planning on buying lingerie for wife / girl
friend then “God help you!!!” Play safe, don't get caught consulting a Lingerie catalogue. Read it someplace safe.
19. We love chocolates. But we may not like chocolates as a gift because it is fattening. So it’s your call.
20. A weighing scale is not such a good idea of a present and can be potentially harmful to your skull.
21. We love paintings, but no nude women please... and vice versa.
22. We love crystals, especially those cute animals figurines in crystals.
23. Talking of crystals, we also like crystalware.
24. Teddy bears are acceptable if we are 12 years and below. Dolls also fall under this category!
25. Just because we are middle aged ( 50+) does not mean we do not appreciate flowers, so go easy on the Hot Water Bottles,prayer books and Shawls.
26. We love music CDs but who the heck is Laffy Taffy???? And Black Eyed Peas...? Is this some exotic vegetable? Please enquire about our taste in music from our friends before buying that CD.
27. If we are above 70, forget about the gift.....we would love to have you visit us.( ok senti rising to dangerous levels here, grandma I miss you * sniff* )
28. And ....the only brass that we wanna see, is on guys in uniform ;)
Thursday, December 22, 2005
The joys of Christmas Shopping !
Ok I made some grandiose announcement about not being able to blog etc etc. But being away from the comp and the office is working wonders and this Christmas season I have so many tales to tell!!!
Christmas is here and as usual I get the noble task of buying the gifts that the family wants to give each other. A typical day before Christmas shopping goes like this.
Dad: Ok, so what do you think I should give your mother?
Me: How about you both taking off to Lourdes as you promised her 7 years back?
Dad: Sure, You will get leave right? You and mom can have a nice pilgrimage.
Me: But Dad she wants to go with you!!!! She has been looking forward to this for so many years. ( I use a very senti speech here)
Dad: I know, I know, but the guys were just telling me that we haven’t had a party like the one you organized on Father's Day! So you go with Amma and don’t hurry back. And if you go with Amma then as additional bonus you get that zoom lens for your camera!
Eldest Brother G: Now tell me what you want and what I should get for all of you.
Me: Ok, I want perfume, I think you should give mom a saree and Dad needs new shoes for his walks and M ..hmmm I think you give him what we all have been giving him for the past umpteen years, a nice tube of hair gel !!!
G: Ok, and get a nice handbag for your to-be-sis-in-law.
Me: She will think you are a miser. Give her something expensive!
G: Ok, how about a purse?
Me: She may call off the wedding.
G: You women are so hard to please!!!
Me: You are learning fast!
G: Oh my God, now I will have to think of gifts for her birthdays too????
Me: Yes! But it’s too late to cancel your wedding so I will get her something and you can tell her that you looked high and low for this perfect gift for her. She will be very pleased.
G: Fine and don’t forget to wrap it and put a nice message too. But don’t let your creativity get the better of you. I don’t want her thinking she is marrying a lech !
Second Brother M: Ok what do you want this Christmas that won’t be thrown on my head or will not be given to the gardener.
Me: What else do you expect when you present me with a monkey cap?
M: That was a Monte Carlo monkey cap!!!!
Me: yeah, the gardener looks very spiffy in that.
M: Ok then your highness what can I get for thee this year? Ok wait....I know what I will buy for you? ( with a gleam in his eyes), I get that awful sinking feeling when M goes shopping. He walks away whistling. I KNOW I will get a Hot Water Kettle! (of course it will be a different brand and color from the one I got the year before last and the year before the year before last)
Mom: I know what I will buy for everybody!!! (with triumphant smile.)
Me: er...what will be that Amma?
Mom: You will look really nice in a Salwar!
Me: But amma I have so many that I don’t wear!
Mom: Don’t argue with me. And for M, I will get a nice shirt. He looks like a beggar at weddings.
Me: Amma he rather look like a beggar than a pansy in that lacy shirt you bought for him last time.
Mom: Don’t argue with me. And for Dad also a nice shirt...
Me: But ma he hates shirts, he always wear Tees.
Mom: Don’t argue with me! And for your Chetan a nice wallet.
Me: But ma, he already has 25 wallets!
Mom: Don’t argue with me. Now come with me and show me where I can get these things in those new malls. And don’t forget to carry a big bag so that the guys don’t see what we have bought for them.
(Like they don’t know already)
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