Monday, January 02, 2006

PR in Heaven !

It is New Year eve and God is in a tizzy! He is alarmed at the rumors going around on earth about Heaven being a staid and boring place vis a vis the image of hell ... which was that of a rocking party zone where all sorts of immoralities could be carried out without the fear of God. God convenes a emergency meeting at 2 am celestial time with St. Peter , Archangel Gabriel and some other important Saints to discuss this serious development. St. Peter, who during his office timings at the Pearly Gates is wont to wander off to have a sneak peep into Hell is the first one to speak. “ We should hire a PR person and go for a complete image makeover of Heaven. We are facing a very techno savvy Internet generation and our traditional propaganda will not cut ice with them. I have seen the wonders that word-of-mouth-publicity has done for Hell!!” Everyone present at the meeting nod their assent leading to a lot of halos banging and jangling against each other. God surreptitiously removes the cotton balls that he keeps for such meetings and stuffs them in his ears. (The jangling noise was getting on his nerves.) For this brilliant suggestion St. Peter is entrusted with the job of finding a suitable PR person to undertake this Herculean task.

Next day St. Peter bids goodbye to all the angels and saints and after entrusting the task of gatekeeping to Gabriel sets out to look for a suitable PR person for Operation Yo Mama (the secret code word for the PR operation) He searches the Heavens and Earth for weeks but is unsuccessful in his endeavours as all the good PR people were in Hell!

On his return to gatekeeping he is as usual taking his Milk and Honey break sitting pensive on Hell’s walls peeping into Hell and ogling at the ladies when the Devil appeares and says to him. “ Petes my dear friend!!! I know what you are looking for. You need a good PR person right? I know of someone on Earth who can do the job well. She is known as Miss Communication and she is known for her good PR skills. ( the devil is devious , he knows this gal has made a hash of the PR job that was entrusted to her for only one day. He is hoping for a similar goof up.) St. Peter is immensely relieved, as God had threatened to demote him to a Milk Bar Vendor if he did not get the PR person by the weekend. ( poor St. Peter he loved his Scotch and being next to the Neon Gates of Hell, could occasionally sneak into Hell for a quick swig). The thought of pouring milk for the heavenly inmates for the rest of his life was unnerving. The last milk vendor in Heaven was caught spiking the milk with Scotch to contain the rebellion of the souls who were fed up of the constant diet of milk and honey. He was then demoted as prayer vendor. He was again caught this time tampering with the prayers by inserting the word Big Daddy instead of God and Holy Molly instead of Holy Spirit to make it more interesting for the inmates bored of repeating the same prayers day in and day out for Eternity. He was again demoted to a gardening job in Eden. In the Garden of Eden this soul was again caught making illicit liqor from the grapes and further demoted as Halo Polisher and the saga of sacrilegious crimes continued. He was the first serial offender in the history of Creation.

Anyways to cut our narrative short St. Peter land up in namma Bengaluru( a mysterious place from where a lot of souls are seen entering the Neon Gates of Hell) and convinces MS to undertake the job.

Upon reaching Heaven, MS is shocked at the very pansy, pearl studded Pearly Gate. It was no wonder that many souls cast into heaven preferred to deviate to the flashing Neon Gate of Hell right next door. The Pearly Gate was also defaced with obscene grafitti by the heavenly inmates. One of the graffiti that made her gasp read:

It’s Hell in here,
Heaven next door!


She decides that in order to present Heaven as an attractive alternative to Hell, she would have to do some PR work for the heavenly inmates too. (So that they would stop making those ugly holes in Heaven’s pearly walls to stare shamelessly into the going ons in Hell)

On Day One she tears down the Pearly gates and installs a really funky doorway with an flashing illumination signboard in psychedelic pink, blue and orange. The signboard reads “ Enter at your own risk” and the Pearly Gates is now re-christened “Gateway to Heaven” to give it that air of adventure and thrills that was missing earlier.

On Day Two she attacks the boring white hospital robes of the heavenly inmates. She ropes in famous designer Michael Jackson for a complete redesign of the heavenly uniforms. Michael Jackson wields his/her magic scissors and soon the inmates are like the weirdos in Hell!

On Day Three MS's agenda was to reduce the overwhelming presence of Milk and Honey bars in heaven. She prevails upon St. Peter to get permission from God to operate Holy Wine Bars so that the inmates would get a break from their usual bland liquid diet. The inmates rejoice as this means that they need not sneak out of heaven to the seedy bars operated by Hell outside the Pearly Gates.

On Day Four MS pulls out all the angels patrolling Heavens boundaries and sends them for dance classes at the famous Bollywood Jatka School in Mumbai. Upon successful completion of their Dance classes they were to provide alternate entertainment to combat the steady stream of jumpees into Hell from Heaven.

On Day Five the rivers of milk and honey is dammed and replaced with Scotch and Vodka to combat the illicit bars outside the pearly gates from where the Guardian Angels had to regularly drag heavenly inmates back to Heaven.

On Day Six MS removes the Harps and Lyres played by the inmates and replaces them with the loudest electronic musical instruments available in the market. (Noise proofing Heavens walls to keep out the loud music from Hell did not help due to numerous holes made by the inmates)

OnDay Seven MS Wi-Fi's Heaven and Arch angel Gabriel is made the System Administrator ( He was suitably experienced in the job anyway due to the long hours he spent with his hellish counterpart in Hell's Network Neighborhood.)

MS looks at her creation and is satisfied. All she needs now is another client to meet her sales target this year.

The Devil in the meantime was getting increasingly alarmed with the transition of Heaven into a Hell-like-zone. He was now determined to get rid of MS and stop her make-over frenzy which was beginning to hit his bottom line and image really hard. (Just yesterday an inmate of Hell actually jumped the Pearly Walls into heaven when he saw the angels doing a “Pardesia” remix number to an appreciative audience) So one day the Devil sneaks into Heaven wearing his God costume that he has been successfully using from the time of Creation and lies in wait for MS in the garden of Eden. At last he spots her and confronts her.

Devil: I am God! I demand that you stop the makeover work in Heaven!
MS: What a long tail you have my Lord!
Devil: Er...it is the latest fashion accessory
MS: What sharp fangs you have my Lord!
Devil: er...it needs a lil trimming I know.
MS: And what an ugly face you have Mr. Devil!
Devil: er...was it that obvious?
MS:Hire me! I can make you look like God himself!
Devil: You are hired!! But make sure I look better than God.
MS: Of course!!! I will send you an Estimate for the job immediately.

PR gal successfully gets another client and the rest is history.

24 comments:

Biju said...

Wow, I'm first in the comment race this time around. Really cool stuff. I laughed :-) when I read the secret code name. Actually I also wonder how you get the time to write so often. Whatever it is...very enjoyable to read your blogs. So keep writing. BTW I've done the tag you mentioned ;-)

kornkob said...

Wow!!!! A classic silverine and a classic sidin on the same day???? Yohooo...Tew much!!!

adipoli post lol lol lol

kickassso said...

reminds me of the time when an engineer was sent to hell by accident...the guy soon fixes everything up... good plumbing, High speed LAN, cable tv, cold and hot running water, the works! soon god sees that hell is running much slicker than heaven and asks devil how he managed to whip hell into such good shape? here's what happened!

Devil: dint ya hear? we got a new engineer!!

God : an engineer?? how could that be! there must be some sorta mistake ! give him back!!!
Devil : (making faces)no way , we got him and I aint giving him back:P

GOD: what??? I'll sue!!!! GRR!!!!

Devil: where in heaven are you gonna get a lawyer:P

Adarsh A. Varghese said...

Great Post! Next time around if God might want to engage a lawyer to sue the Devil for "illegally enticing away" his followers, am game!

Alexis Leon said...

Exceptionally brilliant post. Amazing creativity… Hilarious…

Not read something so funny in the recent past. Hats off to you…

Keep writing.

Mind Curry said...

very nice..you have plenty of talent. talking about atheists, do you believe in the theory of evolution? i mean, look at those apes..you cannot say there is no link with us for sure :) but then do you see it as a contradiction to your beliefs and The Bible?

JamesBright said...

Unique style in writing..!
Fact and humour in the right proportion..!That is my feeling about your entire blog...!
Your blog is a classic version...!

Rockus said...

As usual brilliant! I would like to be where you are the PR. Mmmm, rivers of scotch and vodka!

esvee said...

I salute Thee

nice one!

Mind Curry said...

thanks silverine..the delight is really mutual.

Dr. Pissed said...

I totally didnt get it, but on a lighter note, a message that i just got reads

Jesus told John..."come forth and I'll give you eternal life".. John came fifth and won a toaster.

calvin said...

Hats Off to silverine. Really , it was worth the time i took off from the Bug fixing , and I dont quiet care if a worm or two slipped in while I read it (I am one of the SysAdmin cum Programmer Gods to whom people like you make Shift-Delete Sacrifices ;) ). Ever thought about publishing ? There is this guy (http://standingonthebox.blogspot.com )who got a publishing contract from Harper Collins after his Blog became a hit...Next time God calls you to do some PR ask for that instead .

Leelayz said...

Nice post ....

And I always thought hell was the only place to be ...

silverine said...

Ok me back in office now and hard at work blogging ;)

@Biju:Well... I wrote this post after an argument, in about 2 hours. Arguments do that :)) Great tag you got there!
@kornkob: Thanks!
@kickasso: lol that is so true.
@Adarsh: You are on!!! Brush up on your celestial laws lol :))
@Alexis: Thank you so much :)
@mindcurry: Well..I have no problem with the evolution theory or any other sceintifically proven theory.I think the Bible might be inferring to the conception of a human being by the Creator when referring to Adam and Eve.
@dreamslittle: thank you so much for your kind words :)
@dr pisse: Explanation sent. Did u get it?
@aashik: Thank you! and thanks for the link. Believe me when I say that it's guys like you who make writing my blog so worthwhile. Hope to see your posts soon :)

kd said...

"She ropes in famous designer Michael Jackson for a complete redesign of the heavenly uniforms."

That is the only thing I couldnt stomach.. of so many people in the world? why him and that too to design?

Anyways.. nice piece

silverine said...

@leelayz:Thanks! Checked out your take on Hell. Very Interesting ;)
@kd: Have you seen the way Micheal Jackson dresses? It is believed he has a lot of say in his er..costumes! Don't you think his costumes would be a big hit amongst the hospital robed inmates of Heaven? :))

Satwa10112 said...

Funny but didn't get the point. You are mocking God ? But I see references to the fact that you are a believer ? ? Let me guess God created Adam and Eve from an ape. Do you believe in Santa Claus as well ?

flaashgordon said...

So they've outsourced PR-Heaven to Bangalore too, eh??

Not a bad job Miss Communication !

However i'd say Pearly Gates shouldve atleast been called 'Stairway to Heaven' not 'Gateway to heaven' (add stairs even if theyre not ther) and they could mebbe get one of those Victoria Secret designers n not MJ to design those new heavenly uniforms- (well tht may not look too good on St Peter tho'). And they should give ketchup n fries with Mc Manna. I wouldnt mind some low cal honey n milk tho'

Top 3 funnies....

1. Everyone present at the meeting nod their assent leading to a lot of halos banging and jangling against each other.
2.He was again caught this time tampering with the prayers by inserting the word Big Daddy instead of God and Holy Molly instead of Holy Spirit
3. angels doing a “Pardesia” remix number to an appreciative audience)

Btw once I'd visited a Scotch distillery and they were giving free Scotch for tasting. I thot THAT was heaven !!And now u r telling that was HELL? Noway !!!

cheers
flaash

monu said...

good one ..

reminds me of a joke in which people are recruited to Hell by showing a windows screensaver :D

Jagan said...

yo mama ..happy new year

Lazy strokes said...

Are you thinking abt writing abt the hell experience, too? What? operation yadda yadda?

'Hell' of an interesting post!

silverine said...

@satwa10112: if you didnt get the point then it's no point in me explaining it you is it? Cheerio :)
@Flassh: Flaash delivers in his usual ishtyle!! I always look forward to your comment. der aaye par durusth aaye Victoria's Secret!! Now why didnt I think of that??? Imagine angels and saints in flimsy attires? There will be a rebellion in Hell and people on earth will now tread the straight path to get into Heaven!!Now why didn't God think of that? ;))
@Monu: lol that was a good one
@Jagan: Happy New Year to you too. Cook up a storm this year!But drink the beer please :))
@lazy strokes:I was taking a dig at the popular notion of Heaven. And the new notion of Hell being a fun place :))

Matter of Choice said...

ahem...

ongoing debate??? my foot!. i won the debate and u know it!. i convinced the god that he is getting bad press in earth and since the fellah is so stupid he even fell for ur sales pitch in self PR :). So i won!!

between what heaven needs is not a PR agent but a fashion designer. How about replacing all those white burkhas that the angels wear with some nice transparent two piece bikini?. After all there are all those men in earth who swear on brahmacharya in their earthly life (priests n monks) in return for bliss on heaven. Dont you know that their idea of bliss is definitely connected with two piece bikini?

Your mission was interesting, but my lord the devil doesnt need you. The great Bernard shaw himself completed such a PR mission for Devil a while back. Read the dialogues in this drama (free link is http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext02/mands10.txt). Read through the dialogues between Don Juan and the Devil and you will see that ur PR can never succeed in this case

having said that, i look to start anew the debate (first one i won handsdown!!!)

cheerio
anish

silverine said...

@MoC:Ok, if it makes you happy to feel like a winner then I guess we(read Gods people) would grant you the simple pleasure.
Dont you know that their idea of bliss is definitely connected with two piece bikini?
And ahem how do you know about this?
Heaven is is the State of Bliss..didnt you know???

Case closed, I win this round!!!