Pehla Nasha

I have been tagged by Lady Malady of Confused, Toronto,Ontario,Canada (phew these royals have such long names brrr).

According to the diktat of the Lady, I have to describe my first kiss. Well if you are looking askance at Lady Malady wondering if she was out of her mind tagging a single south Indian gal, then I have news for you. You will be surprised to learn that you are biased, prejudiced, Xenophobic and other bad things. If you think that all that a south Indian gal does in her youth is learn to make 'sambar' and 'avial' then you are right. But that does not mean we have no love life. We err...do!!

Back to the tag....my first kiss was one of the most magical moments of my life. It was a puppy love kinda moment but one that I will remember for a long time. I have spent moments freaking out wondering how my first kiss would be but when it did happen it was so natural!

Year: Circa late 1990's
Venue: Leah Varghese's house.
Event: Our weekly chick flick get together
Witnesses: 6 girls, a pile of charcoal roasted bhuttas (corn), a plate of sliced raw mangoes sprinkled with salt and chilly powder and half a dozen Dixie Cola bottles.

The movie was half way through and a mushy romantic scene dominated the TV monitor. Our eyes glazed as we watched the beefcake hero take the pink candy floss heroine in his arms and give her a smooch that lasted exactly 1 min and 34 seconds ( Exact time not verified. According to Priscilla's watch it was 1 minute 15 seconds). This was the second kiss of the movie and hence the extension of 34 seconds.

As we went "awww" in chorus, Jimmy Varghese sauntered into the room. He walked casually to where I was sitting and plonked himself oh-so-casually next to me. He had deep brown eyes and a really cute but naughty look on his face all the time. In short, he was a dream boat. I frankly didnt think this hunk who had girls gushing over him 24/7 would even look at me let alone acknowledge my presence. Soon we had the inevitable power cut and the girls trooped out to get something more to eat, leaving me all alone with Jimmy. I turned around to him with a nervous smile ready to make polite conversation when he leaned across and surprised me with a kiss right on my mouth.

Taken aback I gasped "ewwwww" and rushed to the bathroom to wash my face with soap thanking God silently that Leah had the sense to give Jimmy his Rabies shot!!! Alsatian puppies however cute and pampered enough to be given the family surname still need to be vaccinated. But *sigh* he was chooooo cute.

( And pssst all you south Indian gals out there who are getting ready to burn my effigy, please note I was speaking for the majority here. I know there are a minority of you out there with a BF, but I will bet my D'damas diamond pendent that your Amma doesn't know about it hah!!!!!)

Wokay back to the "avial" class....*sigh*!

Jimmy Varghese looked somewhat like this. Pix courtesy Corbis

Shepherdessing the frocks err... flocks

Recently I read this amazing post by a guy blogger describing the various methods he and his friends employed to ‘cheat’ during exams. I was awestruck at the intricate art of copying that this gentleman had perfected and if I meet this guy I am definitely gonna ask him his autograph. Anyone who succeeds in ‘copying’ in exams has my full respect! I have always looked upon ‘cheaters’ (pardon the term) as the ULTIMATE risk takers. Hats off to all you ‘cheaters’ out there, past and present.

The post forced me to think of my rather shameful record in ‘cheating’. I am afraid if cheating were a subject in school I would still fail! :( Now peoples, this was not because I was too honest and all that. Absolutely not!!! I was as crooked as the next girl or boy. It’s just that I studied in a convent school…and convent schools are no place to mess around with venial, mortal or other kinda sins. I mean you can sin, but if you are caught… then even God almighty cannot help you!

Sister Principal (spotting a student wearing nail polish): Come here young lady!!!!
Girl: OH MY GOD! I am in big trouble! *sob*
God (appearing from nowhere): You called me dear?
Sister Principal to God: And who gave you the permission to walk into my office without permission????
*God disappears in a trice*!

Believe me folks; girls who have studied in convents will laugh at the situation I have presented here. They would sneer and say that God got off too easily. In real life, things would be very unpleasant indeed.

Sister Principal to God: You come right back here Gentleman!
*God appears back in a trice trembling*
Sister Principal: And who gave you the permission to leave my office?
God: *gulp*
Sister Principal: And for that act of disobedience write “I shall knock before I enter the Principals office” a thousand times. And…. NO CHEATING!!!!
God (hurriedly cancelling the spell that writes the imposition magically): *gulp* Yes sister.


Now a word about convent schools before we proceed any further. Convent schools for girls are hallowed Institutions where girls are trained in the rather difficult subject of being “good girls”. In fact each convent school thinks that they are tops in churning out the best girls in town.

Sister Principal of St Mary’s Convent School: My girls are the best. By the time they pass out, they don’t even look at a guy, let alone acknowledge them.
Sister Principal of St Agnes School: My girls are better! By the time they pass out they don’t even know what a guy is!!!
Sister Principal of St Teresa’s: *sneer* Big deal!!! By the time my girls pass out they don’t even know they are girls! Hah!!! I win!!

( There are exceptions too, like me but that was because I was too busy bunking classes!)

Anyways to get back to our narration about cheating, the first time I cheated was in primary school. It was art exam day and the teacher told us to do a “landscape”. Not having a clue as to what a ‘landscape’ was, I peeped into my neighbor’s drawing board for some ‘inspiration’, a little bit of ‘internalization’ and a dash of ‘plagiarization’ and was promptly caught and hauled to Sister Principals’ office for ‘cheating’.

Sister Principal looked at me with a pained expression and asked. “Do you know how ashamed Jesus is of your misdemeanors?” I had no clue! “Look!!!” she said pointing a quivering hand at the Cross that hung on the wall behind her desk. “Look how ashamed Jesus looks!” I looked up with great interest. Jesus did look very ashamed of me. He was hanging his head in shame (something I had not noticed before). I could almost imagine the trouble he got into because of me!

God: hmmmph!!!! Look at your ward, silverine! She was caught cheating!!
Jesus: *sigh* Please forgive her dear God for she knew not her portions!
God: I am giving you one more chance. If she makes one more trespass I will have to remove her file from you and give it to St Michael the demon slayer.
Jesus: Thank you God you are so kind. I promise you she will never sin again.
God: *grumble* This is giving me a headache!

I gulped as I thought of the horrific painting of St Michael or some saint that hung in my ancestral house in Kerala. It showed a fearsome man atop a horse slaying what looked like an endangered animal. I could almost imagine my plight in St Michael’s charge.

St Michael (flexing his muscles and doing sit ups): Now look here young lady I am a very busy saint.
Me: Yes Sir!
St Michael: I rid the world of all the demons.
Me: Yes Sir!
St Michael: Don’t create unnecessary work for me understood?
Me: Yes Sir!!
St Michael: You make one mistake and I will eliminate you in a fake demon encounter understood?
Me: Yes Sir!!!
St Michael: “fake demon encounter!!”, Hah! That was a good one heh heh

I was a good girl after that for some time, till tragedy in the name of secondary school struck! It was History exam day.

Me (looking at the question paper): Wotszis Battle of Panipat!!!
Long suffering history teacher: If you remember dear, it was taught in September!
Me: Really? I don’t remember!
Teacher (gently): It was the day you and Nina and Natasha were talking about Shah Rukh Khan’s biceps.
Me: Yes!!! I remember now!
Teacher: *sigh*

Another ‘inspirational’ peep and I was hauled up, yet again in front of Princi. Now Secondary School had another Princi. This lady would have been the person Hitler could have consulted for all his ‘disciplinary needs” had he been alive today.


Hitler: *grumble* Reverend Sister, these prisoners of mine are such a disobedient lot!!! They won’t stand in line in front of the firing squad.
Reverend Sister: *beatific smile* Don’t worry dear, I have tamed worse. After all I am the Principal of a Convent School!
Hitler: So what!
Reverend Sister to prisoners: Now all those people who don’t stand in line will have to say 25 ‘Hail Mary’s’ and 30 ‘Our Fathers’ and 45 ‘I Believes’!
*Stamped as people run to get in line*
Hitler: Wow!!!!

(Situation above mentioned for descriptive purpose only. No offense meant to anyone please.)

I shall not get into the nitty gritty of my meeting with this Princi folks, but I never ‘cheated’ again after that.

But hey you know what? I know the entire Bible by heart and it took me “only” 2 years to finish writing it down as imposition for 'cheating'.

Road Show

*thud*

I closed my eyes as my brother M hit an old but well kept Fiat from behind! The Fiat stopped and out came a greying gentleman to inspect the back of his car. The following is the exchange that happened soon afterward.

Ungle: You hit my car!
M: I am sorry but you braked suddenly uncle.
Ungle: I didn’t brake suddenly. You were speeding.
M: Absolutely not!
Ungle: And who is this girl?
M: That’s my sister.
Ungle (turning to me): Young lady please tell your parents that your brother is a menace on the roads!!!
Me: heh heh they already know errr... I mean ok Uncle.

The-menace-on-the-road goes out to inspect Ungles car. Upon inspection it is revealed that we will need to import a high resolution Megapixel Digital Microscope to detect the scratch Ungle is claiming to have been caused by our car. Now Aundy comes out of the car. Aundy is suitably incensed.

Aundy: You young people should have some manners on the road. You think you own the road!!!

(Spots the rosary hanging from the rear view mirror)

Aundy: Malayalee aano? ( are you Malayalees)
M: Adhe! (yes)
Ungle: What is your father’s name?
M: *tells the name*
Ungle to aundy: Idhu nammude Mathiachande alian aano? (isn’t this our Mathew's brother in law?)
Aundy: aayirkaam! (maybe)
Ungle: Are you Mathew Padamadan's nephew?
M: Never heard of him
Ungle (turning to Aundy): This must be some other people.
Ungle: From which part of Kerala are you from?
M: Kottayam
Ungle to Aundy: Do we know anyone there?
Aundy: Susande mole kettichidhu Kadanadil alle? ( Isn’t Susans daughter is married to someone in kadanadu)
Ungle: hmmm are you related to Fr Sebastian?
M: Which Fr Sebastian? We have many Priests in our family!
Ungle to Aundy: Achchande veetuperu endhanu? (What is the Priests surname?)
Aundy: Kinatukkara!
Uncle: Yes Fr Sebastian Kinatukkara!!
M: Never heard of him either! Err... We need to go Uncle. It is getting late and we have a function to attend.
Ungle: Oho! So that was the hurry yeah? You are going to a party...to get drunk... and ram some more innocent vehicles?
M: I wasn't hurrying uncle besides we are going for a First Holy Communion!
Uncle: Don’t argue with me!! I am a retired army officer with grown up children you know! Give me your father’s number!
M: 123456789
Ungle: I am going to call the cops and then your father and .....
Aundy: Are you related to Paul Augustine from Kanjirappally?
M: Which Paul Augustine?
Aundy to Ungle: Paul Augustinede veetuperu endhanu? (What is Paul Augustine’s surname?)
Ungle: Marannu poyi! Eerurikkal annu ennu thonnunu! ( I forgot. I think it is Eerurikkal)
Aundy: I think it is Paul Augustine Eerurikkal!
M: Oh yes I know him.
Uncle (beaming): Then you must know his second cousin Jacob Alapatt’s son Ronald?
M: Yes!
Uncle: He is my son-in-law!
M: Oh wow! Great to meet you Uncle! How is Ronald?
Aunty: Maybe you haven’t heard but Ronald had an accident and is hospitalised. Mercy our daughter is in the US. He had just got his Visa!
M: How sad. Give me his number Uncle. Long time since I talked to him!
Ungle: Do that it will cheer him up! *beaming*
M: And how is Mercy?
Aundy: Mercy is fine. She will soon be moving to Chicago. You must know her brother in law Shibu.
M: Oh yes I do. He was my senior in REC I think!
Aundy: No he is from CET...
M: oh ok! Any ways we really gotta go now. Nice meeting you uncle and aunty! I am going to call Ronald today!
Uncle: Nice meeting you too heh heh. We will drop in home one day!
M: Sure Uncle!

In the car!

Me: Who is this Paul Augustine?
M: I have no idea!
Me: And Ronald?
M: No idea!
Me: And you don’t know Mercy and Shibu either I guess.
Me: *shrug* Never heard of them.
Me: But you gave him Dad’s phone number!
M: That was Bluebell Wine Shop's number.

(Meanwhile the only witness to the incident/accident is now enjoying freebies like some quality time with the accused's Thin 80GB External Portable Hard Disk Drive with over 4000 MP3 songs...tara rum pum pum. Currently listening to an all time favorite of mine Summer Wine )

The Mughal Conspiracy!

Hello friends! I am right now in the fair city of New Delhi. New Delhi to the uninitiated, is the capital city of our country and is approximately 2 kilometres away from the Sun. It is a city that is singularly responsible for the woes of millions of school students. Yes dear people our collective misery called Indian History has a lot to do with this city. I mean if the Mughals had not woken up one morning and said "Lets conquer Delhi and make monuments for people to pee and scribble on", you and me would have been spared the hours we spent byhearting dates and names of the people with unpronounceable names like Illtmush and Alauddin Khilji.

The Mughals who invaded India were a highly cultured race:

Mughal King: Mantriji please start the construction of the finest monuments known to man across my kingdom!
Mantriji: You are such an art connoisseur alampanah. Generations will remember you for your contribution to the art and culture of this great country.
Mughal King: Art connoisseur? Wots that? I am merely adding to the History syllabus of the NCERT duh!

Just imagine if the Mughals had not conquered India! We would be a land of uncultured History Text bookless people. What bliss!!

Places I have visited in Delhi so far:

Lal Quila (Red Fort): So called because it is "red" and it is a "fort". Besides Shahjahan did not want the uncultured Indians to look at it and say “See a large building, let’s go pee and scribble our names on the walls”. Shahjahan in keeping the grand Mughal tradition of making Silverine study as many dates as possible in her History class, made sure that this fort was started in 1638 and completed in 1648. ( He wanted to construct some extra dates err...wings in 1650, 1653 and 1678 but much to the disappointment of History teachers he ran short of funds. He however made up for it by starting work on the Taj Mahal in 1632 and finishing it in 1648. )

Qutub Minar: This monument was made by an unpronounceable Mughal King called Qutb-ud-Din Aybak. (Warning: Please do not attempt to pronounce his name at home. Only professionals trained in Urdu should attempt pronouncing this name. Complications in the form of twisted and knotted tongues have been reported from History students.). Qutub Minar was a favourite place for people seeking H1 Visa to Heaven. The authorities have now strictly limited Visa applicants to heaven. Qutb-ud-din died accidentally in 1210. But before he died he spent many an agonizing hour wondering why he made the Qutub Minar.

Old Fort (Purana Qila): This was constructed by Mughal emperors Humayun and Sher Shah under a joint funding agreement. Due to a loophole in the contract the two squabbled over its name for many years. It was variously called "dilpanah" and "shergarh" and “Jhumri Thalaiyya” . Peace was restored when Humayun slipped from a steep staircase and died.

Tughluqabad: This monument is an History teachers delight. And why you may ask....just read on and see if you can guess why?

Tughluqabad is about 8 km from Qutub Minar. It is the 3rd city of Delhi and was Ghiyas-ud-din Tughlaq's capital in 1320. This fort has 13 gateways and has a circuit of 4 miles.

Humayun's Tomb: This was built in anticipation of Humayun's death by, you guessed correctly Humayuns wife.

Safdarjang's Tomb: I know what you are thinking and you are absolutely right! The Mughals were not very original in naming monuments. Safdarjang's Tomb is one of the last examples of Mughal architecture. Thank god!

The Mughal empire fell during the mid-18th century due to the extreme heat of Delhi, cutting short History text books by at least 5678 pages. As a last act of defiance the Mughals handed over their monuments to The Indian Archaeological Society. The Indian Archaeological Society recently released a book to fund its restoration projects called “How to preserve monuments from the ravages of Time and Uric Acid.” The book is not selling very well.

As you can see by the post above I did not do very well in History in school.

For God so loved me that he made my mom...

Happy Mothers Day to my Amma and all the Mothers of the World today...including me. Well... I am mommy to three dogs and one baby squirrel too.

I don’t think many mothers know of the existence of this day like mine. But she does like the fuss she gets like the flowers given by all of us!

So let me without getting senti wish the most special person in my life today.

Happy Mother’s Day Amma. Hope we made you feel special today. Hope you are happy that you made me peel those irritatingly tiny chakkakurus (jackfruit seeds) for making my favourite chakkakuru maanga curry.
(and this dear people is the reason this post was delayed hmmph)

Thank you God for giving Mademoiselle Leelamma as my mom. I would call this the height of customisation :p

Thank you ma for being such a perfect mom. There is so little of you that irritates me :p

I hope you will be my ma forever cos no one understands me the way you do. Any other mother would have given me up for adoption or left home by now!

Thanks for being such a wonderful daughter, sister, wife, mother, aunt, godmother and local guardian to lots of bachchas of the family studying in Bangalore. Maybe you should start a consultancy on being the perfect woman.

Thanks for being a housewife with so much dignity and without losing your individuality and keeping the three men in your life in their places (muahahaha)

I admire you for not being a typical Indian mother by making your sons grate coconut, cut vegetables, water the garden, shop ,clean their rooms and do a hazaar household chores that a lot of Indian guys won’t even dream of doing.

Thanks for giving meaning to the word unselfish, selfless and gullible. I must confess I like the last trait of yours very much :p

And thanks for understanding that I will never be your clone.

I must confess that I have a role model in you. With the necessary changes of course to accommodate the difference in the times we live in.

Thanks for being such a dignified woman. I will always look upto to you for that though I will NEVER be like you because I so love the gossiping and bitching sessions with my friends. And no it does not matter if half the stuff we discuss may not have happened at all. Cut me some slack ma. It is harmless gal talk.

Thanks for being proud of me. People who know you will understand that this is no mean feat to achieve.

I feel so proud that you were voted "Best Mom" by my friends. Coming from teenage girls that has to be the "ultimate" compliment!

And I am sorry that I was/am not plump. And putting up with all those jibes from relations that I was underfed hinting at your mothering skills. I know my ‘weight problems’ were/is the bane of your life.

Thanks for never feeling hurt no matter what I say in irritation. It is really nice to have that one person in my life who will never misunderstand me or sulk on me.

And thanks for bearing up with all my bear hugs and being such a cuddly mom. I love you plump. (egads I can’t imagine having a pencil thin mom!!!)

And since this post will be printed and given to you by chetan, I want you to know that it is high time you made some payasam :p

This is my 150th post here. What a coincidence that it is Mothers Day too! And so bring out your handkerchief ma for this post is dedicated to you :)

Night shift!

Recently the Karnataka Government mulled over banning women from working in night shifts. This move aims to protect the modesty of women from the advances of male colleagues according to the government. If I read the governement communique right, this means that men metamorphosise into rapists and molesters like Werewolves as the sun sinks over the horizon.

4 pm in an office

Female Colleague: Rajeev would you know who our most profitable customers are?
Rajiv: I will mail you details right away ma'am.

11 pm in the night in the same office

Female Colleague: Rajeev lets go over the list you have sent ahead of Q4 planning.
Rajeev ( with a lecherous look): heh heh why don’t you come and sit on my lap and I will give you a detailed description of all 56 of them? *makes a grab for her*
Female Colleague: *shriek*

According to the government the hormones of men starts raging as the sun goes down.

5 pm in an office

Female Colleague: Joseph I would like a review meeting with you in the conference room please.
Joseph : Sure ma'am. I will be there with the Q4 details.

1 am in the same office

Female Colleague: Joseph let’s start the meeting with a review of your work in the past three months.
Joseph (salivating and advancing menacingly towards her): heh heh sure babes. Why don't we get a little cosier first hmm? And don’t try to run out. I have locked the conference room door *loud evil laughter*
Female Colleague: *shriek*


Last we heard, the government has dropped the idea. Talking to reporters a minister said “It was all a joke!! I know that women can get molested during daytime too! My own record is an example. I was charge sheeted for molesting 14 women in the day time vis vis only 7 in the night.”

Let’s cut him some slack folks. This guy was being sincere in trying to curb his inclinations err I mean men’s inclinations.

Say it right!

How I miss the good ole days of Interviews when you could lie through your teeth and get the job. Nowadays Interviews have been replaced by coffee and pastry chats in five star coffee shops.

Interviewer: Would you like some coffee or tea?
Interviewee: A glass of water please!
Interviewer: You are not very ambitious are you?
Interviewee: err Coffee please.
Interviewer: ...and rather indecisive too!
Interviewee (sweating): Can I have some juice instead?
Interviewer: *sneer* What a loser!
( you can never win I tell you)

During first year college when we English Interns were quite in demand to do the menial work of Communication people in IT companies, Interviews were 'Interviews'. Good ole "Tell me something about yourself" kinda Interviews.

My first Interview for a summer interns job was a couple of years ago. We had numerous Corporate Communication Managers and executives (mostly ex students) making a beeline to our college armed with HR executives who were in turn armed with an attitude fortified with really bad English, to shortlist potential candidates. Now the term 'potential candidates' had a lot of connotations. Potential could mean, the person with the highest marks in communicative English who got surpassed for the person who had spent the whole day at the beauty parlour prior to the Interview or it could mean someone who was on Sister Principals hit list for writing a blasphemous but highly popular article in the college newsletter titled "Dress Codes are for Nuns and Losers!" (now don’t be judgmental folks. I spent a good one week researching and writing that article. It was supported by solid facts and figures from the college canteen).

Now coming back to my narrative, I had checked the credentials of most of the companies coming for campus interviews that summer and found them lacking on many fronts. Number one – they were too far away from the nearest mall, Number two – they were too far away from the nearest movie theatre and Number three – they were too far away from anywhere.In short...I didn't want to work that summer :(

I had many plans that summer like going to Ooty and bird watching and taking part in the protest by Environmentalists in the Nilgiri's. Now these protests are very important social movements that teach you to walk in single file on Nilgiri roads without getting crushed by speeding tourist buses. (You also learn a very important lesson from peaceful protests... that no one cares till you turn violent. )

Once we even had a top forest official come out and address our rally. A very stupid move indeed he realised later on. I mean here we are standing outside the collectorate surrounded by some exotic fauna when we espy some exotic birds decorating the trees. As we were happily snapping pictures the forest official booms on the mike "Ladies and Gentlemen!!" If looks were darts, the forest official would have been a very highly populated pin cushion indeed!

The birds flew away with a squawk and the official had to face the wrath of the teeming multitudes!! That is 5 pair of very angry eyes indeed!! (err...Well 4 pairs to be precise as I was halfway up a tree chasing a Verditer Flycatcher). We were later told that the official meant no harm and all that he wanted to say was "Ladies and Gentlemen, please get off the lawn!!" ( in our defence I have to say we cannot read sign boards in Tamil especially when we are standing on it.)

Anyways I am deviating...again! Back to our narrative... one fine day I was handed a notice signed by Sister Principal that said that I had to attend an Interview for an Internship under Ms Hotair, the Corporate Communication Manager of Dotbust Corporation and before I could say "but I didn’t apply for this Internship” I found myself standing in the cold Reception of Dotbust Corporation. (it is here I learnt the origin of the term “Cold Reception”).

The cold reception was manned by a cold Receptionist with a smile so frosty that it would have Father Frost very hot under the collar indeed. College girls are dime a dozen besides they ask silly questions like “Can I come tomorrow? I have something urgent to take care of today”. So it was no wonder I was treated like a disease vermin. Soon I was called for my very first Interview.

Interviewer (absent mindedly): Tell me something about yourself.
Me: Hi! My name is Silverine. I am 19 years old, AB very +ve *wink* Cancerian …but I can be a Taurean or a Gemini or an Arian if you want me to be baby *slow wink *. I love life in the fast lane …hire me and watch me burn your Exit door. And *purrrr* do you know how to apply suntan lotion? *suggestive look*

Well…I didn’t say all that but I don’t think he would have blinked an eyelid or stopped snoring if I had. I gave him the usual ‘Introduction’ a.k.a. “tell me something about yourself” that the college counsellor had made all of us Xerox. During those days the interviewers could guess the educational institution by the ‘Introduction’.

HR Exec: How many of you here are from MCC College?
A few hands go up.
HR Exec: Girls please omit the last five lines of your “Introduction” when you go in. It is kinda tedious if you know what I mean. No offence though. And how many of you from JNC college?”
Another set of hands goes up.
HR Exec: You girls can omit the introduction altogether. No offense but it sucks!”

The Introduction exercise was just a tactic to keep you occupied while the interviewer decided whether he would date a Tina or a Tony that night.

Interviewer: hmmm so why do you want to get into communications?
Me: What a thought provoking question Sir…when there is Rocket Science and Palaeontology and Neurosurgery and Software Architecture to choose from, why would an English major like me opt for Communications indeed. You are a genius!!!

Of course I didn’t say that too. We had liberally borrowed whole passages from “1001 methods to keep your Interviewer awake!” and prepared the answer to this so very-anticipated question. These types of questions were a tactic to keep you occupied while the Interviewer decided if Tina would be a more economical date than Tony.

Interviewer: So why do you want to join our organization?
Me: Because you are the only one who called me for an interview you dimwit!!

Well…I didn’t say that too. I had made sure that I knew all there is to know about the company from their website and this included the Vision statement, Mission statement , About Us, Products Solutions and Copyrights, Disclaimers, Contact numbers of all their worldwide offices and the Site Map ( I could even draw the site map blind folded). These kind of questions were a tactic to give the Interviewer time to decide if he should skip the date and go home to the wife instead.

Interviewer: Where you do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: With Microsoft!!

Well...I actually said that! What happened next was horrible. You would think that people would appreciate you for being honest!!!! But no!!! Apparently honesty is not the best policy during Interviews! The result of my honesty was that I was hired! And that was the end of my summer holidays *sniff*

I know I know you will all say that honesty pays. I admit it does....but not very well peoples :(
( I had to hide my first pay check or people would have thought I was on dole!!!)

What I was trying to say in a rather long winded way (purely intentional) is that Interviews suck! I dream of the day when I will give my blog URL to the person who says “Tell me something about yourself”. But that ain't gonna happen we all know till Hell freezes over and Heaven becomes the new hot and happening zone.

One of those days...

When it rains it pours they say or something like that. Now if I get sued for misquoting that quote, my day will be just PERFECT! Some days just get worse and worse.

Early in the morning I switch the TV on and get ready to channel surf through the channels that I have arranged in a particular order. News Channels in one line, Movie Channels next and so on. Makes life really easy for me ....now I can watch Star Movies, Hallmark, HBO, AXN together by changing between channels. Believe me you don’t miss much besides you get a separate TV to watch in the privacy of your room…absolutely free!

Anyways as soon as I put the TV on, I landed on Cartoon Network!! Consternation gripped me because I remember that Channel 1 was always Star Movies. The next channel was Nickelodeon and the next was Disney channel. The pattern repeated itself till all my prearranged channels were now showing Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon and Disney channel....that is 34 channels of Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, Disney Channel over and again! I was hopping mad! My mom tells me rather apologetically that my cousins brothers little daughter was using my TV and had apparently "adjusted" the TV to her liking. Now that meant I would have to redo it all over again :( And for those people who might be wondering why I need to arrange the channels in a certain order, please read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus unless there is a sale going at Jupiter" to understand this phenomenon.

And to make things worse, the little tyke who perpetrated this catastrophic damage on my TV decided to play Clue Finders on my PC.

Clue Finder: 1+1= What??
Tyke: What?
Me: Four duh!
Tyke: Shame shame puppy shame this chechi doesn’t know anything!!
Me: heh heh Yes dear, now run along and leave me alone!
Tyke: No!!!
Me: Yes!!!
Tyke: *sob*

And so I spent the next 30 minutes answering some rocket science questions like 3+4 = What?, 3+5 = What?, 7-5= What?...and getting them all wrong too! :( ( The poor kid got thoroughly cyber punished and is currently not talking to me.)

My woes did not end here. No siree, the gentleman in the Big House up there was enjoying himself too much to stop now. I take my bike out to meet up friends and the damn thing keeps stopping on the way leading to some minor irritations like traffic pile ups and some major irritations like creepy looking guys piling on to you offering help. After I had given them my best "tere ghar pe maa behen nahin hai kya nayinde mon?" look and sent them slithering away, I was feeling really sorry for myself.

Finally I did manage to reach this coffee outlet, sank into the chair with a sigh of relief when we heard a strange voice speaking sternly.

Voice: Message.
(loud):Message!!!
(louder):Messsaaaage!!!!
(very loud): MESSAGGGGGE!!!!!!!!!
(screaming): aargh MESSSSAAGGGGE!!!!
Demented screaming: AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!! AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!

People were looking helter skelter. It turned out to be my phone. SMS ring tone script, kind courtesy my second brother M, voice recording, kind courtesy my cuz Rohan Mathew. While I was getting over the shock there came another shocker. This time it was the phone ringing errr screaming in a guttural voice!

Pick up the phone!
Silverine pick up the phone!
Silverine pick up the phone!!!!
SILVERINE PICK UP THE BLESSED PHONE!!!
AAARRRRRRGHHHHH PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE!!!!!!
AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!! AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!

(ring tone script, again kind courtesy my second brother M, voice recording, kind courtesy my cuz Rohan Mathew)

If a genie were to appear right then and grant me a wish then I would have asked for a Caterpillar Hydraulic Excavator with changeable rotator blades. (And why you may ask? Because the earth will not open up and swallow me automatically silly!!).

People were smiling, my friends were laughing and I managed to look indulgently amused while inside I was just dying to get my hand on someone's MP3 collection lovingly collected over the years and hitting the Shift+Delete button AND THEN setting fire to the back up CD's and then doing something really bad to Rohan that I will think of when I have cooled down sufficiently. Right now you can fry an egg on my head and get a perfect sunny side up!

Wake up and smell...err hear the garbage truck

Day: Saturday morningu
Place: Bengaluru
Time: 5:59 am
Status: Total silence'u!

Tis the morning of a Saturday and all throughout Bengaluru not a creature is stirring not even a mouse except for the Bengaluru Mahanagara Palike Garbage’u Vehiclesu.

Day: Saturday morningu
Place: Bengaluru
Time: 6 am
Status: *END OF TOTAL SILENCE'U: LOUD RAUCOUS MUSICU COMING OVER LOUDSPEAKERSU*

Recorded Message: Namaskara!!!! Greetings from the Bengaluru Mahanagar Palike!!!! This is a public service message intended to wake you up on a Saturday. Do not throw garbage on the roadsu, empty plotsu, neighbours house’u etc. Please segregate wastu and hand it over to our friendly and ever helpful satffsu who will mix it all together back again and throw it into a lake’u. We know that none of you are listening to this messagu. For your listening pleasure'u this message'u will be repeated againu and againu till you tear your hair out in frustrtaionsu. Please do not forget to dispose the hair with other biodegradable materialsu. For more information please contact your local clueless Health Officeru. He is of course heh heh the healthiest person in your neighbourhoodu. Please help us to help you. We love you all! Namaskara!!!!

*LOUD RAUCOUS MUSIC*

^%$&$*^&**#!&@+* I swear I will contribute one can of Kerosene Oil to the people here who are planning to burn down that vehicle!!!

Happy Birthday!

Like most mothers of true blue achayan boys my ammachi (grandma) was also a very jovial woman. (When you can’t beat them join 'em in the mischief was her motto). She had nothing to complain. Her kids were religious, did not trouble her chickens too much and were good in studies ( though she never understood why studies were so important anyways). She also managed to change her morose achayan husband after a few years of living together as man and wife and half a dozen sons.

Her eldest son (yours truly's dad) surprised her and her hubby by getting into some godforsaken college called IIT is some godforsaken land ( Definition of godforsaken land - land with no churches).She never understood why he couldn’t join the really nice neighbourhood Arts and Commerce College, (besides the priests were so nice too.) When her eldest son’s eldest son too went his father’s way she clucked her tongue in disapproval. And then when her eldest sons second son too joined some Management Institute her disapproval was complete. Too bad she didn’t live to see her only granddaughter go to a “proper college” unlike her brothers who went to some stupid “institute”.( I know she would have been proud of me had she been alive).

The second Thomaskutty was a maths whiz ( heh heh he is my Godfather too :p) and wanted to do some really blasphemous stuff like *gasp* "further studies" on a scholarship in the US. Ammachi put her foot down saying. "You wanted to study and we let you, you wanted to study further and we humoured you again, but there should be a limit to your greed. You are not going anywhere!!!”

The third a really really phlegmatic and extremely handsome achayan, Kurien ,who is known to speak only if someone holds a gun to his head and says "Speak" or during extremely grave crisis that necessitates communication like "My glass is empty, pass the bottle" is the reason I am a bird lover and a blogger today. Now how can a man who rarely speaks and a girl who does not know how to shut up get along together? Well like a house on fire, literally. The uncle niece relationship blossomed over the years due to the simple fact that my uncle was too phlegmatic to say "Shut up for Gods sake!!!" If I ever went missing all my grandma had to do was to yell "Kuriacho!!" and Kuriachen would appear from somewhere ( as he never verbally answered anyones call) and I would be right behind him. Kuriachende vaalu or Kurian’s tail was my other nickname. Our relationship was/is unique:

Uncle: *pointing to a bird*
Me: That is a crow isnt it?
Uncle: *pained expression on the face*
Me: Egret?
Uncle: *look of absolute horror*
Me: uppan?(coucal)
Uncle: *smile*

(He once wanted to join Communication Classes but could not convince the interviewer that he wasn’t a piece of furniture!)

It was due to this Uncle that a young girl seated on a gentleman’s lap in a kallu shaap (toddy shop) became a not so unique sight in my village. In fact they even had a special menu for me namely, less spicy fish fry, less spicy beef fry and less spicy other fries generally found in the kallu shaaps. It was also due to this uncle’s popularity that my dad never found out my err... trysts and the reason why toothless sweet old men smiled at me in the church and at the market. (I was an elite member of the kallu shaap club at the tender age of three!)

My ammachi like most mothers just knew what her son wanted even if he rarely opened his mouth.

Uncle: *sitting at the dinner table*
Ammachi: What do you mean, you don’t want dinner today? Absolutely not possible, you got to eat something!
Uncle: *silence*
Ammachi: Fine, if you want mango chutney I will make some for you.
Uncle: *silence*
Ammaachi: Ok ok I wont force you have my cabbage thoran *grumble* What have you got against it anyway?!!!

Even the other five brothers just had to look at him to know what he was thinking:

My Dad: I say we buy a 100 Pipers this weekend.
Uncle: *inscrutable look*
Second Uncle: Kuriacha for gods sake not Bagpiper, I can’t stand it’s smell.
Uncle: *inscrutable look*
My Dad: *sigh* if Kuriachan insists we will get his Bagpiper but the rest of us stick to 100 Pipers.
Uncle: *inscrutable look*
Third Uncle: What did you say? You think 100 Pipers is no good? Blasphemous!!
My Dad: Stop arguing both of you!!!!!

For his wedding there was trouble brewing:

Priest: And do you Kuriachen Mathai K take Annama Varkey to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Uncle: *innocent boyish smile*
My Dad: err he does, he does!!
Priest: Do you promise to take care of her in sickness and health, good times and bad times till death do you part?
Uncle: *innocent boyish smile*
Another brother: He does, I swear he does.
Ammachi: *almighty God I will donate an entire coconut bunch at the edapally if this marriage goes through amen*
Bride: *sob*

Infact after his marriage it was my Ammachi and her sons who had to come to the rescue of his new bride.

Bride: I think my husband is dead *sob*
Ammachi: Ente karthave, what happened?
Bride: I took coffee for him but he did not move from the bed!!!
Ammachi: *whew* you scared me Annamme!! It just means you are standing on his slippers!! AND DONT SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!!!

The only time I heard him speak was the day I picked up a dead chameleon by the tail and proudly showed it to him. He looked at me in consternation and said the most profound words ever spoken by him. “Aiyyo!!!”

(And thus having exhausted his quota of speech for six months he never spoke again for the next six months.)

Today when I wished my favourite uncle a very happy birthday I could hear the unspoken *thank you, god bless you* in the silence and the sweet smile.

You are the best uncle on this planet and the gentlest human being and perhaps the most gentlemanly gent on this earth Kurian uncle!!!

Many happy returns of the day!

( p.s I waited till midnight to post this as today is his birthday!)

Equal Opportunity

It's been almost 6 months since that fateful Interview and my arrival here. I have made lots of friends and I am already on nodding terms with the Security guys, the facilities guys, cafeteria guys etc. It is nice to forge such strong bonds with the helpdesk staff.

The Security guys actually get palpitations if they don’t see me...say once a week:

Security guy: Miss as usual you left your mobile behind...please come to our office and collect your mobile.
Moi: Oh that is where it is!
Security guy: heh heh Miss as per rules I have to ask you what make is your mobile?
Moi: hmmm Samsung?
Security guy: *chuckle* No!!!!
Moi: hmmm Motorola?
Security guy: *giggle* Wrong!! Try again!!!
Moi: I give up!!
Security guy: It's Nokia!!! Hah!!! We win...again!!!!! Better luck next time err...next week!
Moi: :(

The cafeteria staffs just love me:

Murli: Here you are Miss, a South Indian light coffee, your regular.
Moi: But I want a Latte today.
Murli turning to the vending machine: *tamil expletives*

The facilities help desk guys duck into nooks and crannies when they see me, but I know every nook and cranny in this building.

Robert: heh heh Miss we are seeing a lot of you these days.
Moi: heh heh you can always reduce that you know.
Robert: heh heh Pray how can I do that?
Moi: heh heh by giving me the %^&$ supplies heh heh
Robert: heh heh I haven’t got your mail
Moi: heh heh Show me your monitor!!!
Robert : NO!!! heh heh
Moi: Guess that means you have ignored it again heh heh
Robert: Tell you what, send me the mail again I will send you your requirements heh heh
Moi(taking out my laptop): I will send you the mail RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!! heh heh
Robert: heh heh :(

The travel desk staff just adores me!!

Monica: Hello this is Monica from the Travel Desk of INTHERED Corporation. Is this Miss Overmadeup at the airport check in counter?
Miss Overmadeup: Yes!
Monica: That Silverine just flounced outta here as usual because I mucked up her itinerary as usual . She is on her way, you know what to do *giggle*
Miss Overmadeup: Of course *guffaw* Hope you did what you had to do?!
Monica: Of course I made sure she is travelling in an ATR aircraft *snigger*
Miss Overmadeup: And I will make sure she sits right next to the frightening fan blades.
Both: ROTFL their A Off!

This is such a lovely place to work. No matter what your rank or position, you end up getting screwed equally by the support staff.

Note to self: Next time please ensure that you ask for definitions of "all" HR terms especially the term "equal opportunity".

Deepening the rot

*FLASH NEWS*

Mumbai: At a recently concluded Press Conference the Chief of BCCI announced that they have decided on the people who will coach a totally new Indian Cricket Team. The selected people and their designations are given below. It is hoped that the vast experience and expertise of these people will help mold a World Class Indian Cricket Team.


Sachin Tendulkar: Chief Coach
Sourav Ganguly: Assistant Coach
Dhoni: Adviser to Chief Coach
Sreesanth: Adviser to Assistant Coach

Anil Kumble: Chief Bowling Coach
Harbhajan Singh: Assistant to Chief Bowling Coach
Irfan Pathan: Assistant Bowling Coach
Zaheer Khan: Assistant to Assistant Bowling Coach

Yuvraj Singh: Chief Fielding Coach
Dhoni: Assistant Fielding Coach
Munaf Patel: Assistant to Chief Fielding Coach

Rahul Dravid: Chief Batting Coach
Virender Sehwag: Assistant Batting Coach
Dinesh Karthik: Adviser to Chief Batting Coach
Robin Uthapa: Adviser to Assistant Batting Coach

The team selection will be concluded in a couple of years or four, but the appointment of the coaches is immediate. According to inside sources corporates like Frankfinn Airhostess School, Achumama School of Charm and Faultless English and Uma Bharti Finishing School and IIPM have already booked the coaches for endorsements.

According to the BCCI the new coaches of the the next India World Cup squad is deadly enough to give the sponsors good mileage for their money.

When this reporter asked a BCCI official about the probables for the next "Indian World Cup Team" he said quote "Indian Cricket Team? Whatiteez?" unquote.

###

Happy 2nd Birthday to my blog!!

My blog turned two yesterday!! Thank you all you lovely people who dropped in here to read my ramblings. You guys are the best! *HUGS*

Making ends meet...creatively!

Friday evening drew to a close and I was heaving a sigh of relief at the thought of a long weekend when I got THE DREADED MAIL from boss.

Silverine,

You are fired!!!

Or so I hoped it would say. But no such luck :( It simply said what it had to say:

Team,

Please submit your budgetary requirements for the next quarter by Tuesday and avoid allocation at my discretion.


“Allocation at my discretion” are words that sends a chill down our collective spines. It is THE MOST HORRIBLE words that we hope never to hear. Last time Boss allocated funds at his discretion, the allocation was so paltry that I had to do a belly dance routine to pay off the ad agency bills and the Event Management people hired me part time as flame thrower to pay off their bills. My colleague Narasimhan had to sell a kidney to host a Dealers Conference and another colleague Subbulakshmi had to pledge her womb for surrogate motherhood to pay off a Training Programme she had organized. Those were trying times indeed and we all learnt that going for a stroll and innumerable coffee breaks when we are asked to do our budgets can have some very unpleasant side effects indeed.

After some quick calculation I realized that if I didn’t get nifty and make my budget then I would have to carry out “at least”....

1. Two bank heists
2. One train robbery
3. One grand larceny
4. A couple of cat burglaries
5. and some pick pocketing in a BMTC bus

....to be able to survive the next quarter.

This piece of information gave me the necessary encouragement to make my budget in time. It also gave me a rough idea of my money requirements. So I sat down and like a good girl made my expenditure list in an Excel file complete with graphs. ( it wasn’t necessary but when Excel 2007 helps you make pretty graphs in pretty colors why shouldn’t you use it? Personally I would like to put in some flowers and teddy bears and birds etc. Microsoft please note!!)

Approximately two and a half second later boss called up.

Boss: err….Silverine are we by any chance funding the US invasion of China?
Me: US invasion of China? But boss that is a remote possibility!!!!
Boss: Exactly!!

Why can’t he just say “Not Approved!”? Grrr

I redid the entire budget and sent it again for his approval!

Boss: Are you by any chance preparing the budget for Nagaland and Manipur and the Andaman and Nicobar Islands!!!
Me: Why would I?
Boss: My thoughts exactly !!

Guess he means “not approved”. I carefully slashed a couple of zeroes here and there by the 'eeenie meenie minie mo' method and sent the file again for Boss's approval.

Boss : Wow!! Silverine, is our next team outing on the QE2? And...is it really necessary that we are all flown to the QE2 in private jets?
Me: err...No!
Boss: *whew*!!!

Well I must admit the last figures did look like I was planning on a team outing on the QE2 *sigh* So I did a modest recounting of my money requirements and sent the file again to the boss!

Boss: aaarrrrgghhhh!! *thud*

Finally after much consulting with experienced people in the team I made what looked like a really threadbare cheap shoe string budget which was instantly approved!!

Now only if I can learn...

1) Pole Dancing wearing a Nuns costume
2) To stand still against a wooden wheel in a Mallika Sherawath costume while a blindfolded man throws twelve sharps knives at me to make my silhouette
3) Hold an apple on my head while another blindfolded guy shoots an arrow at the apple
4) Exotic Dancing while carrying three trays of wine of my head
5) And Sky diving in a chicken outfit

…then I might just be able to make ends meet this quarter. ‘Making ends meet’ reminds me, acrobatics in a lehenga choli is quite hot with the Jap tourists!! So am adding that to my list too.

And those of you who are sniggering behind my back, just remember, this is way better and more dignified than my colleague Balwinder Singh, who had to pose as a door to door salesman and rob unsuspecting housewives to pay for his Product Launches!

Sharky and George

Picture courtesy: Corbis


Yesterday I went to the Pet Shop after a very long time and optimisticaly picked up a pair of Goldfish. It has been many moons and many Goldfish burials since I have picked up a pair of Goldfish. The last one who died got an awesome but somber burial.

Me:(taking dead goldfish in my hands) And may God bless your soul and take you into his arms.
[Sprinkles Holy Water on the fish and places the fish gently into the grave*]
Friends: Amen!
*FLUSH*

* Watery grave

I named my new fishes Sharky and George, after my favorite childhood toon. Sharky is fat and George is thin. I was hoping that Sharky is a male and George is a female or vice versa. I had great hopes on Sharky and George like I had on the seventeen thousand others who died in the quest of fulfilling my hopes of becoming a Goldfish farmer. Like the proverbial story of the milkmaid that we all have had to read compulsorily, thanks to NCERT, I too was like the Milkmaid who dreamt of selling milk and buying hens, then selling the eggs and buying goats and so forth till she had bought up the various State Dairy Development Boards and then finally in a hostile take over acquires the National Dairy Development Board itself. (Mr Kurien doesn’t know what a close shave he has had with this one!).

My dreams were quite similar to the milkmaid in the story. I would buy a Goldfish that would give me numerous baby Goldfishes which I would sell and buy more Goldfishes who will give me another million babies that I would sell and quit school. Simple. (I wasn’t too ambitious in 4th standard)

If you bump into one of those numerous ex Goldfish sellers who live in the French Riviera and Hawaii, they will fondly recall a determined little girl who came religiously to their shops in Shivajinagar after every Sunday Mass at St Patrick’s and went home with a Goldfish. They loved the little girl, especially since they knew that she would be back in a day or two, or if luck was on their side in a couple of hours to buy another one. She was the only known person in the history of Goldfish buying to have made it to the elite list of “Frequent Buyers Club” and she earned numerous freebies like the FREE opportunity to pat the Pomeranian puppies kept in the cages or FREE ten minutes of playtime with the cute rabbits also kept in cages.

Accompanying her was a gentleman whose only purpose in life seemed to be paying for the fish. Sometime accompanying them would be a boy, a little elder to the girl who was partly mute as all he would be heard talking was “Bet you this fish will not live for more than three hours. Anyone for a bet???”

Boy: Bet you this fish will live only 12 hours.
Gentleman who always paid for the fish: No way, she will take good care of this one! Won’t you mole?
Girl: *Nods head vigorously*
Boy: What’s the bet!
Gentleman who always paid for the fish: 10 Rupees.
Boy: Deal!
Gentleman who always paid for the fish: *sigh* Here take the ten rupees, you can return it if the fish lives.

The boy would take the ten rupees and add it to the thick wad of notes in his pocket. The boy was also perhaps the first known boy in history to have his own “Cash Box” by age ten. He was the guy who came to the family’s aid when there was a critical shortage of change in India.

Dad: Son do you have change for a hundred rupees?
(Boy counts nine ten rupees from the 20 ten rupee notes he has in change)
Boy: Dad I am afraid I have only ninety rupees.
Dad: Never mind, here is 100 rupees. Give me whatever you have.

And thus he amassed great wealth while his sister still hoped to make it big and rich in the Goldfish business.

Now Sharky and George were also greeted with great glee and anticipation and lots of mental arithmetics by the the boy, now a fully grown boy. By now he had also become very supportive and extremely encouraging of his sisters ambitions.

Grown up Boy: 24 hours!! I give this fish 24 hours!!
Gentleman who did not pay for fish this time: No way, she will take good care of this one! Won’t you mole?
Girl: *Nods head not so vigorously*
Grown up Boy: 24 hours!! A minute more and I pay one thousand rupees!!
Gentleman who did not pay for fish this time: 25 hours!
Boy: Deal!
Girl: *sigh*

24 hours later Sharky and George were dead. After collecting the money, as a gesture of sympathy and support in my time of grief and my Dad’s time of loss, my brother laid the fishes in a clean sheet of paper one beside the other for the burial. The fat one first then the thin one. Under the fat one he wrote “Before”. Under the thin one he wrote “After”.

grr

I bet you a thousand rupees that I will find him in 24 hours!! Any takers????

(I just got an SMS from him that says "Deal!")

*sigh*

New heights!

I guess by now most of us have heard about the "Heights". I saw a couple of incidents that made me realise that there is lots of scope for expanding the ‘Heights’ series. Given below are my four contributions. If you have any to share and expand this series feel free to use the comments section.

Height of cleanliness

I am working late. The housekeeping staffs as usual come in a 6 pm sharp and start their cleaning routine. A dashing young housekeeping guy comes and starts cleaning my rather longish table, stopping now and then to inspect his work critically. He is obviously a perfectionist. He then removes the orange skin on my table and cleans the area thoroughly and then...puts the skins right back where he found them ( I swear in the exact same angle)and walks away with the flourish of a magician leaving the stage after a successful performance.

Height of Annoyance

Vehicles are stopped at a traffic signal. Most drivers are honking the horn impatiently as the cop is giving the oncoming traffic too much time. Amidst the din I see another driver....an old man. The old man is also honking his vehicle horn in annoyance. The only difference between him and the other drivers was that his vehicle was a bicycle and the noise he was making was with the bicycle bell.

(The cycle bell couldn't be heard even if you were standing next to him but he showed that he was just as annoyed as the next driver. Hats off grandpa!! You have a fan in me. )

Height of obeying traffic rules

An (obviously) new driver on a brand new scooter is slowing to a stop near a traffic signal. He puts up his arm to indicate that he is stopping, 'License Test Style'. (arm bend from the elbow and held parallel to the shoulder with palms facing front) He loses control of the bike several times due to this manoeuvre and nearly falls down. But he persists and stops his bike after several attempt and looks quite proud of following traffic rules. The traffic cop in the meantime was highly impressed and was seen rolling on the road laughing. So was I.

Height of absentmindedness

Silverine gives print command for several files she is printing and realises that the printer for some reason has not printed the same. (Perhaps it has spied, through its printer eye the several times she stuck her tongue out at him).She cancels the print job and gives a fresh print command. Finally after five tries she gives up because she had other work to do. In the evening there is a mail from the Facilities Desk enquiring the name and where abouts of a certain employee who has printed 200 A 4 size sheet of papers in the 2nd floor. Silverine sits on the first floor. No one had a clue. The mystery endures to this day.

My realities

Recently a girl wrote to me saying that she admired the fact that I admitted to having a conservative mother and being from a fairly conservative background. She felt that too many girls pretend that their moms are Paris Hilton clones ( she didn’t exactly say that but I am using certain licenses here like ‘being the owner of this blog’ ). Thank you dear girl…alas one cannot chose their parents (unless you were on friendly terms with the geneticist pre-conception )or I would have chosen Dr Salim Ali to be my dad and Rita Rudner to be my mom. Kidding… I am quite happy with what God gave me or err…what God gave my parents.(Dear God, you do spoil my parents a lot I must admit, by giving them too much of a good thing a.k.a “me” :p )

Now I have been more than honest about my family or more popularly referred to as Case Study # 3456 by the good doctors at NIMHANS.

I don’t have an amma who says “Mole you don’t have a boyfriend??? I am so ashamed of you!!! Are you my daughter?? Ente daivame I think you got switched in the hospital. Someone took my darling smart baby and put a loser like you in there!!”

But when I do things like climb trees and recently in Kerala, when I nearly killed the family’s’ prize goat, prize cow, prize neighbor (he has an eligible son) with my cousin brother’s Bullet, she does wonder if I had indeed got switched in the hospital. (But the Bullet ride was awesome!! Next, I am gonna try the Tractor!)

And she also honestly and sincerely believes that her hubby dearest and his younger two kids descended from the apes while she and her elder son and her family were dropped from heaven to earth below as fully formed manicured and pedicured human beings who had read all the Malayalam authors and the plays of Shakespeare and as soon as they descended onto earth they headed straight to the library where they still reside reading books as they are printed.

My dad, a pragmatic Pala achayan on the other hand proudly admits that he is descended from the apes and thus can grunt and scratch himself anywhere anyplace anytime. (He also says that it is a calculated lie perpetrated by his wife and in laws that Apes are vegetarians and that he is living proof to the contrary.)

As a kid I heard my friends say that they read Mills and Boon right in front of their moms. I looked at them with admiration. Wow what cool moms they had compared to mine I thought. I had to read the Constitution of India and Geography for Secondary Schools...because they were big enough to hide the M&B. It did have it’s disadvantages though, like one day when my mom suddenly asked what I chapter I was reading I absent mindedly said “Midnight Tryst oops I mean Freedom at Midnight” ( You will all admit after this incident that an M&B kept hidden inside the Constitution of India and Geography for Secondary Schools is very good for mental alertness.)

I was always red faced when I heard aforementioned classmates moms declare rather proudly to my mom that their daughters read only Shakespeare and The New English Reader and not filthy books like Mill and Boons. They were right I must admit…these girls did not read M&B like me....they had by now graduated from M&B to Harold Robbins and Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

While my peers said that they had permission to go to the movies, I admitted rather frankly that I would have to check with my mom. And after my mom had asked around about the movie and got different opinions and reviews and finally a clearance from the parish priest and if possible from the Pope himself and if further possible from Sushma Swaraj and the Imam of Jama Masjid, then and then only would I be told “No!!” Don’t judge my amma too harshly. This movie had a lot of s** and violence and bloodshed you see. The heroine reportedly wears very short skirts and high heels (s**) which makes her trip and fall down the steps and break her head ( violence and bloodshed).

But I must admit that I was not totally honest all the time. When the aforementioned classmates moms would call me and ask “Where is Nina, she said she is coming over to your place to study but I heard she was spotted at the movies?!” I would tell lies that her daughter was indeed here and studying hard and right now she was in the toilet where she would remain, till around the time a matinee show generally gets over.

When my classmates declared that they could wear spaghetti strap and off shoulder tops, I had to admit that the only thing I was allowed to wear was T Shirts and jeans and frocks that I suspect were remodified burkhas. Since I was not a regular in the fashion scene, I was quite fascinated by the trends in fashion exhibited by my friends and learnt a lot from them. For example did you know that spaghetti strap and off shoulder tops are “always” worn with a modest T Shirt on top till you are 500 meters away from the house or out of view of your mom and vice versa?! Amazing!

I so envy girls with super cool moms like my friends.

Parenting the parents

One February not so long ago, a head-in-the-cloud daughter, under the influence of a ‘substance’ called Mills and Boons, decided that her parents needed to get away from the daily routine of parenting her and her brothers, just like in the story she had read in an M&B book. So she conspired with her brothers (because her pocket money was only Rs 50 per week) and booked a cottage for her parents in Goa during Valentine's Day week. Her brothers indulged their poor junkie sister though they told her that her plan was doomed for failure. The girl who was an M&B addict and like an addict was constantly under “the influence”, refused to believe them in her substance induced stupor. She was sure her parents would hold hands, run around the trees singing songs to an invisible orchestra and maybe present her with a little brother or sister and remove her from the eternal curse of being the youngest.

When her parents heard about her plans they were scandalized, astonished, shocked and absolutely resistant(in that order)to the idea. Her father thought he would be the laughing stock of his community when they were not too busy sniggering about him. Her mother thought that her daughter had finally lost it as she always suspected she would, as being a daughter she had more of her Dads genes.

After much coaxing and cajoling by the daughter, they finally agreed to their junkie daughter’s plans, more to humor her than any other intentions like enjoying a well deserved break. One fine day after the mother had set the curd, bought fish, made fish curry, cooked rice and umpteen throrans, fried the pappadams, combed her daughters’ hair amidst the usual howls and screeches and did another 456855 things mothers generally do, she and her reluctant husband, finally left for Goa. After reaching Goa, the mom called almost immediately from the airport enquiring if the daughter had her lunch and if her brothers were back home etc. Ditto in the evening.

In the night the Dad called up and filled her up on the details of the fish market that he had visited “without” the mother as she wanted to watch TV. The daughter was really annoyed and called them both and told them that they need to go out together, stop being parents and be a couple.

Dad: err… what did you say? That I should hold your moms hands and walk on the road like those hippies here?
Daughter: I didn’t say hold hands and walk. I said go out together, take in the sights, relax….
Dad: hmmm for that I will need to go alone, your Amma likes to walk without stopping
Daughter: That’s because you stop for everything on the way
Dad: Don’t blame me. That’s the way you have bought me up!!!
Daughter: But that was when I was small!!!!
Dad: I am too used to walking with you and stopping every now and then. (forlornly) Wish you were here. You would have loved the fish market.
Daughter: Dad this vacation is both of you. So enjoy your time together.
Dad: *guffaw*Please don’t mention this to any of the relations in Kerala, if they call up. I won’t be able to show my face in public again.

Next day the mother calls her daughter.

Mom: Your Dad is pigging out on meat. Time you talked to him.
Daughter: *sigh* okay ma.

Daughter calls Dad. He was already two Feni down.

Daughter: Dad, what did you eat today?
Dad: hmm errr well one sausage!
Daughter: One sausage? Really?! Lies!!!
Dad: Okay two sausages, but they were real tiny!
Daughter: (in her most severe tone): How tiny?
Dad: Very tiny…
Daughter: How tiny?!!!
Dad: Very very tiny
Daughter: Dad, I am really annoyed and you know that!!!
Dad (in a sulky voice): You told me to relax and enjoy the vacation and now you are nagging me like your mother!!
Daughter: I said, have a vacation and not pig yourself into a heart attack!
Dad (hopefully): You sure you are not coming over? I am missing you all.
Daughter: Dad, don’t change the subject. And watch your diet as the doctor told you.
Dad (in his best fake woebegone emotional blackmail voice): If you say so….but I wish you all were here…

Evening the mother calls.

Mom: There are some nice old churches here. Wish you were here, we could have gone exploring.
Daughter: Take Dad and go and explore the Churches.
Mom: I can’t take a man stinking of Feni to Church!!! Besides he is found some friends in the bar and they are all singing drunk over there.
Daughter: *giggle* err… that’s bad ma!!
Mom: *hmmph*

Night the Dad calls.

Dad: You are really missing all this. I found some nice friends and we are all going to Fort Aguada without the wives tomorrow.
Daughter: *SLAM*
Dad( calls back again): You are angry right?!
Daughter: (sarcastically): No, I am ecstatic that both of you are having such fun time!!! I don’t want to talk to you again for the rest of my life!!!
Dad: okay tomorrow I will take your mom out for dinner. Happy?
Daughter: *SLAM*
Dad (calling again): Okay I will take her shopping and then to the beach.
Daughter: mmm ok…

Next the mother calls.

Mom: Your dad took me shopping!
Daughter: Wow!!
Mom: What wow?! It was so embarrassing. He kept looking at the clothes and exclaiming that they were so immodest in Malayalam.
Daughter: I thought you went Saree shopping.
Mom: Saree? He insisted in going into every shop including the ones selling beachware!!!
Daughter: eeeks
Mom: And on the beach he was absolutely scandalized at the bikini clad madamas!!
Daughter: oops
Mom: Please keep your grand ideas to yourself. I am never gonna step out with him again. I am sure the whole of Goa must be laughing at me.

Night the Dad called up.

Dad: You had dinner?
Daughter: Yes and you?
Dad: hmm I am having a bit of indigestion.
Mom (cutting in): Ask your father why!!!
Daughter: err Dad is mom around?
Dad: Yes
Daughter: ok then you call me when she is not around.
Dad: I have the cordless so I will go out and we can talk.
Daughter: Dad, you really ought to watch what you eat!!
Dad: What’s the point in coming to Goa, if you can’t have Goa sausage, Prawn Rachedo, Pork Sorpotel and….
Mom (talking from the main phone): See what I told you!!!
Dad: Why are you snooping? This conversation is strictly between my daughter and me…
Daughter (annoyed): Stop it both of you!!! (trying her best not to shout) Please forget about diets and social niceties and for Gods sake enjoy your vacation. You have only two days left!!!
Dad: hmmm ok but you plan another vacation like this again and your mom goes alone!!
Mom: Yes it would have better if you had come with me….
Daughter: *sigh*

The last two days the parents did forget Bangalore and their offsprings and did enjoy their vacation. But every effort to postpone their stay by the daughter met with resistance.

Mom: Don’t know what junk you people eating in my absence. Pinne… is the house still there or have you all burnt it down???
Dad (for the 4567th time): Wish you all were here :(

The by-now highly stressed daughter realized that it was she who needed a vacation for sending her parents on a vacation. She also realised that Indian parents will be parents no matter what her substance induced mind said. The daughter also got over her addiction immediately as though by a miracle and was completely cured. According to her mother it was because of her prayers at the St Anthony’s Church in Goa. St Anthony was apparently very pleased with her, because she came to the Church ”alone” leaving her tipsy husband in the Resort bar.

The new Internet Generation

The golden oldies in our midst are no strangers to technology, though their interpretation of the same may be slightly different from us. For example the Internet, the great tool that gives you any information at the speed of light after making you wait for one and a half and a half hour for a page to load, has tons of information that you never knew affected us in very intimate ways. Take a look at this eye opener of a conversation between two seniors that took place in my home recently.

Aundie one: How is your new grandkid?
Aundie two: He is so naughty, hyperactive and always on the move. I am so tired running after him!!
Aundie one ( ominously): hmmmm That’s because he is an Internet baby!
Aundie two( in consternation): What’s that!?
Aundie one (looking furtively around and then lowering her voice): Today’s couples see lots of stuff on the Internet and the resultant babies are called the Internet Generation.
Aundie two: Oh I see!! But how did you know all this?
Aundie one (smiling triumphantly): That achchan (priest) who conducted the Potta retreat in church told us!!!

Now that is one interpretation of the ‘Internet Generation’ that sure beats every other definition floating in cyberspace!

Guess we will soon have the Church issuing "Security Updates".

To protect, defend and do some gardening too...

With the tension in the State over the Cauvery Tribunal verdict, the Police top brass have made elaborate arrangements for security in the city, especially around IT campuses. Yesterday I saw for myself how tight the security was. Right in front of my office stood three thagda policemen!! What a terrifying sight they were too! When the rampaging masses come a calling, they will screech and stop right on their tracks when they spot our three Charlies.

Rioter 1 ( amazed): Look at dem moustche!! Awesome!
Rioter 2 (terrified): And look at 'em laathis, pure cane I say!!
Rioter 3 (losing biological control of himself ): And look at 'em pot bellies, pure muscle!!
Rioter 4 (quivering in his hawai chappals): Lets run for our lives before they beat us to pulp!!!

And all 500 of ‘em run away!

And thanks to the men in khaki, the garden around our campus have begun to bloom and do well. What with our gallant men, 'watering' and 'manuring' the hedges and the lawns everyday. A new proverb we all learnt today:

"People who live in glass houses should turn the other way when people outside the glass house don’t know that the people inside the glass house can see them ‘watering’ and ‘manuring’ their garden."

Thank you Mr. Police Commissioner for keeping our campus safe and green!

p.s. Kudos to the Karnataka Government for having the foresight to beef up security and prevent any untoward incident in the State after the verdict, hats off Mr Chief Minister!!

Playing the (weak) fields

A champion sportsperson is one who comes back against the odds to silence his critics. And that's exactly what Sachin did when he scored a dashing century against Madagasacar recently.

The 33-year-old infact said post the match that he knew his batting. He had played long enough to know what was good for him and hence he has decided to play only against teams like Madagasacar, Namibia, Luxembourg and Seychelles. He further told a packed press conference room, that he did not want to know what others were thinking though he knew what they were thinking but that was of no consequence to him as people who think were not his fans!

When queried about his future plans he said "My schedule is packed with ad shoots for Maghai Pan House, Lalchand Bulchand Dalmoth and Snowywhite Washing Powder. And I am also seriously considering the Airy Underwear and Banian endorsement offer."

On the upcoming International events he said " I will be going for a knee surgery during India's tour of Australia and a shoulder surgery during the Pakistan tour.” He will however be 100% fit for India's tour of Malta. Sachins fans are ecstatic and predict that Sachin will soon reach his 100th Century!!

Sachins fans are also very happy that they will see their star more often now endorsing detergent powder, baby diapers,Besan, Sooji, toothpoweder etc. in bewteen Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu thi and Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki eventhough they would rather die than admit that they watched these serials.

The ton was Sachin's easiest one-day hundred, but importantly it was also the first time he was batting without a single ad contract in his kitty, which according to some is a record of sorts too. He did get two 'lives' along the way after the Madagascarian fielder dropped him in sheer exhaustion when he was 85 and 91, but that didn't stop the fans and experts from gushing about the way he compiled his knock. The Madagascarians had walked all the way from Madagascar you see and had to convene for net practise soon after arrival. One of them was heard enquiring " Why are we being kept in the Net like chickens?".

However Sachin's fan say that this was not the reason for Sachin's great form. The Bombay Bomber showed glimpses of his glorious best as he demolished the malnourished Madagascarian bowlers in the last ten overs. The Madagascarians were at the receiving end as Sachin set the ground on fire and it had nothing to do with the fact the Madagascarians had never played Cricket before.

"The shots he played were outstanding; the Madagascar players had no clue how to stop him. He obviously seems to be on a roll " gushed Prakash an ardent Sachin fan.

The debate over whether he should open, and his indifferent form in recent times has attracted more attention in the media, something the Indian skipper finds quite funny.

"Like I said yesterday, we were not unduly worried about Sachin. Maybe everyone else can stop worrying about it now as we have signed tour agreements with Japan, Netherlands and Iceland, so that we can have a bit of peace around." said Rahul Dravid, Indian Cricket Captain..

"But I think it was a great innings. I think Sachin showed why he is a great player and why he can play in different situations, and why he can adapt though I am not spelling it out," he added.

The Indian skipper could not have summed up Master Blaster's innings better.

The Madagascar team has since thrown their tennis racquets in the sea and have decided to pursue Cricket under the aegis of the BCCI. The BCCI have declared that they will henceforth spend 75% of their earnings in developing Cricket in the above mentioned nations. "Get set to watch some glorious Cricket from Sachin in the coming future" said a BCCI spokesperson with a mysterious smile.

The comments section for this post was unavailable till recently due to a problem with blogger. Thanks for bearing with me :)

...and he said "Yes"!!!!

A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do or be left ruing the half chances she never converted to full points. Yesterday I decided to take the plunge. There is this guy in my office whom I have been eyeing for quite some time. He is a Sales Engineer. My friends and female colleagues advised that I pop the question before someone else did and so I did!!! And his answer was “YES!”. I am so happy!

I finally got what I had set my heart on for some time now. And my dear gal blog pals, I would like to tell you that I am in seventh heaven now and please never hesitate to go after what you want. This is the 21st century, so throw away the old notions that it is the guy who should make the first move. There is no harm in stating your intentions. Many thanks to my team members who also helped make this happen, supported me and helped set the stage for this occasion.

And for all those people who want the details, let me recount this momentous occasion!

My colleagues decided that they will all assemble in the the cafeteria so that I could pop the question in front of the whole team. We planned to have a small celebration after that if the outcome was positive with the blessings of our manager and big boss.

At precisely 10 am my friend LS bought RV to the Cafeteria where I waited. He sensed something was happening, started grinning and was a little nervous. I stepped upto him with the whole team watching. I was little nervous but felt firm on popping the question no matter what the answer might be.

Me: RV we have been good friends, colleagues and have been through a lot of ups and downs professionally especially due to the &^%$*# vendors.
RV: ha ha thats right!!
Me:I have always looked upto to you for advice, support and you have always been there for me.
RV: Well that was the least I could do!
Me: So I hope you don’t mind that I have taken the liberty to come to certain conclusions and based on that I want to ask you something.
RV(nervously): Hey where is all this going?
Someone from the crowd: Let the girl complete yaar!
RV: Ok k k k k..... go ahead!
Me ( getting down on my knees): RV will you ..................................... return my Mont Blanc pen you borrowed three months ago?
RV: What?????? Err I mean “YES” “YES” the answer is “YES!!”

Applause from the junta followed by a reception for the happy couple after RV fished the pen from his overflowing cupboard. RV’s Manager raised the toast and said that I was the only person who ever got RV to return a borrowed item.

The assemblage are hoping that from now on RV will return the numerous borrowed items from them. RV in turn has promised to return them as soon as he hires the truck, to cart the said items.

(Dear blog pals, do check out Kusum's
loony mela and help her compile blogspots best chuckle inducers! Thank you!!)

This is me!

Saw this tag somewhere and picked it up on a whim. It’s a long time since I yarned about me :P

1. Yourself: Single, very straight, Cancerian, mallu, amateur birder, lives a day at a time, cannot be serious for a minute.

2. Your boyfriend/spouse: None

3. Your hair: Waist length

4. Your mother: I need to have her around all the time. The only time I get cranky is when she is out of station. Yeah I am a spoilt brat :( But it’s all her fault!!

5. Your father: He is my best friend and a sweety pie 99% of the time and when he is bad I call him “Dadzilla” like yesterday night when he absolutely refused to let me drive alone to a friend’s place hmmmph…he did compensate though by telling me one of his younger-days-ka-bravery yarns. It involved an Engineering college and getting some friends out of the slammer using some innovative methods :p

6. Your favorite item: My Sony Walkman with FM Radio….yes NOT my Ipod!!

7. Your dream last night: Of dead bodies in the drain :(

8. Your favorite drink: Tea

9. Your dream car: My Dad’s car :p

10. The room you are in: A conference room

11. Your ex: Never had any though many like think of themselves as my ex arrrgh…

12. Your fear: Heartbreak…infidelity

13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Grown up

14. Who you hung out with last night(Saturday) ? A couple of guys in the forest. The first was a tusker, the second a wild boar. They kept running away from me *sob*

15. What you're not? Artificial. What you see is what you get.

16. Muffins: Banana and blueberry muffins

17. One of your wish list items: An automatic blog writer

18. Time: So precious!!!

19. The last thing you did: The lights in my office have sensors and hence come on only when someone is in the vicinity. So I kept jumping here and there surprising the sensors :p But it is damn handy, you know when someone is coming towards you as the lights light up his/her path and hence I am able to blog from office he he

20. What are you wearing? Jeans and Tee…I am one of the few people working today yayy!

21. Your favorite weather: Winter

22. Your favorite book: I have many favorites!

23. The last thing you ate: Rava dosa.

24. Your life: A serene sea as of now…

25. Your mood: Relaxed

26. Your best friend: Mittuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (but I am still not talking to you girl hmmph)

27. What are you thinking about right now? The Nilgiri Mountains and how the heck can I save the damn place.

28. Your car: I borrow everyone else’s car in the house :p

29. What are you doing at the moment? Pretending to work

30. Your summer: I HATE SUMMERS!!!!

31. Your relationship status: Single

32. What is on your TV? TV? Wots zat?

33. What is the weather like? Cold and foggy!

34. When is the last time you laughed? Today when THIS happened…

Colleague: Did you see boss?
Me: Yeah, he walked by my place some time ago!
Colleague: Any idea where he is now?
Me: At the speed at which he was walking I would say he has reached Airport Road by now.

Both: ROFL

Tag!!! You are it Alexis and anybody else who wants to take this up.

Riding Dirty!

Last month, as I weaved my way through the traffic I saw a yellow monstrosity in the rear view mirror. I groaned inwardly. Past experience has taught me that owners of such made up cars are wont to show off when they see a girl. And sure enough the moment our Charlie spotted me on the bike, he started revving his engine and weaving left to right in front of me showing off his glorious rotten egg yolk yellow car with blood red vein like lines across *ugh*. I hate such drivers, as they make you lose your balance by suddenly appearing and cutting across your way. Finally we reached the traffic lights and I managed to reach near him and let out a really filthy insult onto his grinning face. "CREEP!!!" I said with all the venom I could muster. He collapsed on the steering wheel laughing and drove away guffawing when the lights turned green. I was left wondering what was so funny.

Last week someone drove his bike in front of me, causing me to nearly fall down, I screeched "Worm!!!" He got off his bike, sat down on the pavement held his stomach and almost died laughing.

Then another time when a car full of guys were tailing me I stopped the bike and waited till they came near me and let out a particularly filthy (according to my standards) insult. "DOGS!!!" I shouted. They nearly drove into a tree due to hysterical laughter (wish they had hit the tree).

And then one time, an auto suddenly came in front of me from nowhere making me jam the brake and scream "VERMIN!!!!". My cousin brother who was riding pillion fell off the bike giggling. And he kept laughing till we reached home after which he got out and held his stomach and collapsed on the floor laughing.

It is then the realization dawned on me that if I do not seriously upgrade to some choice epithets I may soon develop ulcer or heartburn from the sheer frustration of my insults having no results.

Anyways after listening to my woes, one section of the male community in my extended family decided that they will suitably arm me with some really vicious but acceptable-to-the-feminine-community insults. I felt relieved. Now I could have the satisfaction of seeing peoples face crumple up when I insulted them and I would drive away with my head held high. When the carefully prepared list was delivered to me I had to consult the Medical Dictionary a cousin brother who was studying in St John's Medical College forgot in our house. I finally found the meanings in the "Men's Problems" section. Due to reasons I cannot expound here I had to unfortunately discard the list and I found no reason to thank the creators of the list.

Another group then decided to help out. This group having seen the list given by the Group One decided that they will try a "milder version" of the former list. Again some concerted consulting in the Medical Dictionary and I found the meaning in the "The Large Intestine" section of the Medical Dictionary. I was horrified!!! My "teachers" were more horrified than me that their "work-of-art" was treated with such disrespect and they decided that it was no use wasting their time on me.

It was then that my eldest bro suggested a way out. And I am happy to announce that it works!!!! Now no guy can cross my path and leave unscathed :) Last time when an Enfield Bullet rider suddenly landed in front of me, I called his bike a "dabba". The look on his face was priceless!!!!!

*contended sigh*