Monday, January 08, 2007

Riding Dirty!

Last month, as I weaved my way through the traffic I saw a yellow monstrosity in the rear view mirror. I groaned inwardly. Past experience has taught me that owners of such made up cars are wont to show off when they see a girl. And sure enough the moment our Charlie spotted me on the bike, he started revving his engine and weaving left to right in front of me showing off his glorious rotten egg yolk yellow car with blood red vein like lines across *ugh*. I hate such drivers, as they make you lose your balance by suddenly appearing and cutting across your way. Finally we reached the traffic lights and I managed to reach near him and let out a really filthy insult onto his grinning face. "CREEP!!!" I said with all the venom I could muster. He collapsed on the steering wheel laughing and drove away guffawing when the lights turned green. I was left wondering what was so funny.

Last week someone drove his bike in front of me, causing me to nearly fall down, I screeched "Worm!!!" He got off his bike, sat down on the pavement held his stomach and almost died laughing.

Then another time when a car full of guys were tailing me I stopped the bike and waited till they came near me and let out a particularly filthy (according to my standards) insult. "DOGS!!!" I shouted. They nearly drove into a tree due to hysterical laughter (wish they had hit the tree).

And then one time, an auto suddenly came in front of me from nowhere making me jam the brake and scream "VERMIN!!!!". My cousin brother who was riding pillion fell off the bike giggling. And he kept laughing till we reached home after which he got out and held his stomach and collapsed on the floor laughing.

It is then the realization dawned on me that if I do not seriously upgrade to some choice epithets I may soon develop ulcer or heartburn from the sheer frustration of my insults having no results.

Anyways after listening to my woes, one section of the male community in my extended family decided that they will suitably arm me with some really vicious but acceptable-to-the-feminine-community insults. I felt relieved. Now I could have the satisfaction of seeing peoples face crumple up when I insulted them and I would drive away with my head held high. When the carefully prepared list was delivered to me I had to consult the Medical Dictionary a cousin brother who was studying in St John's Medical College forgot in our house. I finally found the meanings in the "Men's Problems" section. Due to reasons I cannot expound here I had to unfortunately discard the list and I found no reason to thank the creators of the list.

Another group then decided to help out. This group having seen the list given by the Group One decided that they will try a "milder version" of the former list. Again some concerted consulting in the Medical Dictionary and I found the meaning in the "The Large Intestine" section of the Medical Dictionary. I was horrified!!! My "teachers" were more horrified than me that their "work-of-art" was treated with such disrespect and they decided that it was no use wasting their time on me.

It was then that my eldest bro suggested a way out. And I am happy to announce that it works!!!! Now no guy can cross my path and leave unscathed :) Last time when an Enfield Bullet rider suddenly landed in front of me, I called his bike a "dabba". The look on his face was priceless!!!!!

*contended sigh*

33 comments:

shruti said...

hilarious post ....u seem to mouth the woes of teh feminine community so well...dunno why men even do such things when they know tht no girl in her right mind is goin to appreciate the gestures . Royal enfield = dabba ... outstanding ...the poor show off must have ahd a heart attack !!

Rockus said...

Why do you need to swear?
A conventional phemale piercing look would burn them up!
At least works on me! :P

mathew said...

Lol..u seems to be learning too many tricks too fast..making life miserable for perfect gentleman drivers in blore!! :-P

Yeah..A stare is the best way out..Folks who have stayed in tvm will call it a 'cherrayal'..the menancing look that says it all!!!

So now we have a new breed of Adam-teasing folks out here!! :-D

Fleiger said...

Calling somebody's bike dabba?
That should be punishable by law, under traffic violance act or something.
Seems you are reaching new heights in your abilities to torture others...

Sachin R K said...

Good one. Reminded me of my first year in Engg college when my seniors asked me to swear at my best friend and all I could muster was a pitiful nayinte mone (son of dog). However , have expanded my vocab since then, so if you ever feel dabba doesnt suffice, you know whom to contact :)

Arun Jose said...

That was hilarious! way to go...

Mosilager said...

well on the bright side, like your writing, your epithets also seem to make everyone laugh. Good show.

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

It's a surprise that a lady like you who's been DRIVING for so long hasn't heard any VOCAB-BUILDING words herself! I don't find any MISTAKE with the GENTLEMEN who land up in front of you!

Maybe you're not as fast as they are! And regarding swearing, i agree with rockus and mathew, a ice cold stare will leave anyone dumb for a minute!

Asterix said...

Ouch! dabba has gotta hurt any self-respecting Enfield owner.

If you haven't tried it already, then give "kyon be, ghar mein maa behen nahi hai kya?" a shot. It has stood the test of time. How do I know this? Second-hand information ofcourse.

Vinod R Iyer said...

FIrst time at ur blogspace.. That was a cool post :) .. Even glares would do the trick. I always wondered why giving galis is such a guy thing !!

Neihal said...

LOL!
thats my usual comment here:))
the other two being ROFTL and hahaha...

Your big bro's idea is great....me too should try....hope u dont mind:)

Anonymous said...

:)

Anonymous said...

What the... ! So YOU called my bike a dabba!!

HOW DARE YOU!?!

:-P

--Hyde.

PS: Wonder why people upgrade to the new version of Blogger and cause so much hardship to their readers...?

Alexis said...

Ha Ha Ha...ROFL, Dabba...:-))))
Excellent one.

Jay Sun said...

Nice post...hilarious !!!

But on a more serious note...your post reminds me of an incident where a cousin sister of mine yelled out at a guy who had swerved his car right across her scooter...

He then blocked her way, got out of the car and yelled abuses at her...

After a while he calmed down and drove away...

And this was in Chennai...a much gentler city as compared to most other cities...

Point i am trying to make is that while one is absolutely right in expressing contempt for these road hogs...things can spiral out of hand very quickly... and the road hog has much less at stake...

Am not saying that let them get away with it...but i think it is important to pick and choose ones battles... :)

Jeseem said...

superb
shouting abuse is not an effective way. it is ignored or sometimes retaliated.
but 'dabba' is simply perfect. it is not abusive, but at the same time a crushing blow :)
a superb idea of a genius ( no don't float in the air, i am referring to your bro , not u :P )

Basanti said...

Awesome!! Mast idea hai re! I must try it!! What would you say about Ricky Martins... err.. Rickshaw dudes?? I hate them!! And they wont be even insulted if I call their ricky a dabba!

hope and love said...

lol..!!
the ultimate insult..!
:))

Strider said...

Lol!!
:D
Its been a long day at off but your blog works wonders man!
:-)

silverine said...

shruti: Thanks gurl :)

rockus: When looks don't work you swear :)

mathew: Actually I am still a babe in the woods in this dept. I have heard some girls say some colorful gaalis :P

fleiger: Exactly!!!! :P

mosilager: :))

abhi:Sometimes a stare doesn't work :)

asterix: Second had information indeed LOL :))

Vinod: It's a guy thing alright but I have heard girls cussing too!!

Hyde: Serves you right !!! :p

Alexis: thank you :)

jay sun:Here in Bangalore no one fights unless it is a personal insult.

jeseem: Your compliments have been passed on :)

basanthi: Try it, it really hurts :))

HnL: You said it!!! :))

strider: Thanks dear :)

silverine said...

Sachin rk: I have umpteen such resources at my disposal at home :p

Arun Jose: thank you :)

?bLeAk?!! said...

I am always hurt when some gal calls my pulsar 180 a dilapated one...."polinju kidakunna vandi"
its an insult even though it has nooo truth in it... but it would work...

p.s: anjali??? plz silverine is better :P

Kusum Rohra said...

LOL!!

but acceptable-to-the-feminine-community insults

Why why why can't we ladeez absuse freely!!

Enigma said...

yup works on most men. abuse their bike, car or cell phone and see their reaction

Sanjay said...

Observation 1: Virtually everyone whom you abused and all the others in the vicinity nearly "died laughing". What makes you feel your repotoire wasnt "effective" enough?

Observation 2: Readers of this post must have had a similar experience (To extend the point; the experienced ones must have survived and commented).

In the larger intrests of mankind I believe you ought to announce yourself with a disclaimer "Silverine cometh, but is not responsible for fatalities caused due to negligent breathing while laughing"

Sreejith Kumar said...

Wow! Too cute this one! :P

Stare, stare and stare! ;-)

The Guy Who Sits at The Desk said...

:)

G said...

UNFAIR. My comment from a few days ago hasn't appeared here. Who knows where it went to.

I don't remember what I said though I do remember saying I drove a tank and normally don't face people trying to cut me off. Those who do, are sometimes referred to as a Master of Ceremonies.

Ah well.

crazy schmuck said...

hmph! i tried the badmouthing with some freaks in an ambassador and they proceeded to sideswipe me! i think i'll just stick to mutterring the curses under my breath. anybody know how those pins in the wax dummies work?

Dhanush said...

I express shock and deep anger in the way you called a Royal Enfield a dabba :)

I agree there are a lot of show off riders. Even I get pissed, and since I have a repetoire of words in my dictionary ranging from english to malayalam to hindi, I swear them relentlessly.

Swear the Rider.. Not the Bike. Its the Rider who makes his machine behave bad.

Still You called a Might Beast a Dabba ... Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

pophabhi said...

Its very tough to control emotions while you see people breaking rules when they drive. Actually it feels as if they dont drive the vehicles, but they just drive your brains crazy. Especially bangalore! my gawd!
But you could have called the Bullet driver a dabba, rather than Bullet itself. :(( If therez a real bike in India, thats our Royal Enfield. Many of us still drive it for the pleasure of a drive in the real machine, with hardly any thot of showing off :))

പെരിങ്ങോടന്‍ said...

ഹാഹാ ആ വിളി അസ്സലായിണ്ടേ ;) വളരെ രസകരമായ നിരീക്ഷണങ്ങള്‍.

Nisha said...

What I have been advised is to call out things like "Cheenga Peechinge", Valicha Mathange" etc in the right tone and it does its work. No blushes for us, but the listener who is not a Malayali is usually left wondering what the insult was :)